the house that osh built

The First Shot Is The Deepest

2009-11-11T22:56:00.003-06:00

I checked my purse several times to make sure that my Epi-Pen was in place. Convinced this poster above my hospital bed was an actual sign from God that IMPENDING DOOM was headed my way. I was waiting to go across the hall for the injection in my Sacroiliac Joint. (yes, I cried when the stuck the needle in the first and second time. And yes I said "Can we be done now please" in a voice that can only be described as half whimper half Cocker Spaniel) I studied it for a awhile and debated on whether I should steal it and tack it on my fridge at home...After all, anxious and scared, along with not understanding why my body is deciding to be a major asshole since August 18th seems to be my new decorating theme (along with Fentanyl patches and Lidoderm wrappers, and assorted bottles of pain pills that stop working and make ER trips a new part of my life.

And then I thought if I mention feeling anything on the poster, they just might wheel me up to the psych ward...I am looking a little crazy these days...but at least it would a change of scenery for bed-rest...hmmm

A Long Long Time Ago

2009-11-05T11:34:00.004-06:00

Days after these pictures were taken the most wonderful thing EVER to happen in the history of my world (besides getting boobs) happened.

And it wasn't my grandparent's getting new wallpaper. Or curtains...excuse me, SHEERS. Oh, I think we lived with that lovely combo at least until I got my boobs, and that was well into my teens. And that was the '80s. The 1980's.

The most wonderful thing ever was Sesame Street made its debut, and with it, so did this song...which was my absolute FAVORITE! And fueled my continued love for Madame Alexander Dolls to this day...(though since Evan has informed me he isn't having children of his own, I must leave my collection to some poor orphan girl...taking applications now...)

Yes people, I am officially older than Sesame Street. As Oscar would say, "Suck it".

And, is anybody else concerned about a one year old child near open flame like that? Without an adult near? Do you notice the lack of people or decorations at this festive party? Almost like they just set a cake WITH AN OPEN FLAME in front of me and left the camera on auto play and went in the other room to watch Walter Cronkite or something while I just amused myself...you know things were a lot different in the 60's...we even had lead paint back then.

*Okay, now that I have my glasses on, I realize the cake with the lit candle is actually on the counter and not on my highchair tray...BUT, I still stand by the above statement...we did have lead paint back then, and I am willing to bet that this cake was served after my grandfather got home from work...and back then that meant it was cocktail time for my grandmother (all the housewives did it!) and one Budweiser was consumed. Not by me. And I'm pretty sure my mom made this cake. And I loved it.

Refund Please

2009-11-03T22:12:00.003-06:00

I've been 41 now for almost 48 hours. Long enough to know I don't care much for it at all. I don't think it fits me...yes, 41 is too big. 41 has a rear end that I trip over when I walk. 41 is also too small. 41 makes the print too tiny too read. 41 makes my eyes go all squishy up, which we all know will lead to wrinkles that will last until death 'til us part. And that (as I have found out) is a freaking long time.

So, I am returning 41 for something else...for what, I don't know yet...I'll let you know when I find it.

Recyclying

2009-11-01T18:13:00.004-06:00

22 years ago I secreted this purse from my grandmother's closet after she died. Inside one of the zippered pockets are wrapped toothpicks stamped " Stix, Baer and Fuller", a fancy St. Louis department store that went out of business three years before she did.

I think it completes my Jackie Kennedy Halloween costume perfectly.

Left Left Right

2009-10-30T02:20:00.005-05:00

The physical therapist at the Spine Clinic was doing his evaluation on me yesterday, and I hadn't taken any pain pills. It was important for me to have a clear head to discuss the pain I have been experiencing since my hystericalectomy in August.

After manipulating my pelvis, knees and legs he declared my right leg to be an inch longer than my left.

Has anybody told you about your right leg being longer than your left?

I raised my head up from the table, tears running down my face from the pain

NO! Oh my gosh! Another thing wrong with me! I've always been told my left leg is shorter than my right!

Next week we start working on fixing the stuff in the box. With a needle. Help me Jesus.

Country Fried Cat

2009-10-28T22:08:00.003-05:00

With the colder weather, and my round the clock use of the heating pad on my now diagnosed dislocated sacroiliac joint, I am a cat magnet more than ever.

Evan decided to join me in my pain and share a little bit of conversation as the cats pushed for the warm spot.

You know mom, we should call Dillinger Blackie Chan because he does Cat Fu.

Ha Ha Ha. No.

And Maisey, she is just such a Southern Cat.

Huh?

You know, so delicate. Like fried chicken.

I begin to wonder if I have mixed too many pain pills.

Cats taste like chicken?

No mom, her coloring is like fried chicken.

Hmm, I think she is more of a country gravy variety myself.

Cat Trap

2009-10-26T16:18:00.002-05:00

My friend took in a stray cat that was rather fat. Fat with unborn KITTENS! And then my friend, knowing that my mind and body are in a very weakened state, has been posting pictures of KITTENS for me to get all maternal over.

Look at that little pink nose! Those teeny tiny razor sharp claws that will scratch my face, hands, furniture, child and husband to shreds! Look at the little eyes that aren't even open yet! And it is a grey KITTEN! We have never owned a grey KITTEN before!

I'm doing the math in my head...which one of my five current cats would I trade in for a BRAND NEW KITTEN?

Hmmm...me thinks I would end up trading in a husband and quite possibly end up on television as a Cat Hoarder.

Not to mention that as my mother is reading this, she is having heart palpitations and is reaching for the phone

COLLEEN ANNE YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANOTHER DAMN CAT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Uh, this is all Evan's idea, mom...I told him no. I told him a thousand times no. You tell him no, he listens to you.

His Defense Is..."I Was Raised By Two Women"

2009-10-22T22:04:00.003-05:00

The greatest thing ever about being on Percocet around the clock is not being able to drive. This means I have company when I get my nails done. This also means that the company has an opinion on what my nails should look like, forgetting that I always do classic French. Always. The driver sat on the couch and pretty much kept his mouth quiet, whilst Evan pulled his chair thisclose to me and somehow convinced me that I needed color. Bright bright bright color. I wavered. I hedged.

I always chip my nails, I'm so clumsy!

Buy the bottle! You can spackle!

Really? I should do color? I think I like it. What does it say there? Nantucket of Sewer?

Oh my God MOM! The color is Manicurist of Seville! The writing looks nothing like what you just said!

Dude, I don't have my glasses on and everything is in a Percocet haze! And why are you telling me how I should do my nails?

Look, I was raised by a mom and grandmother! Raised by two women, I can't help it!

Yeah, poor you, being forced into knowing what looks good.

So now they have to take me back on Monday to get my St. Petersburgandy toes to match. I like to be country coordinated if possible.

Scrambled Eggs and Mucus

2009-10-20T18:35:00.003-05:00

Evan is sick. It could be Porcine Flu, and it could be just Regular Stuffy Head Fever Cough Whiny Sneezy Make Your Mother Take Care Of Your Every Need kind of sick. The doctor's office is swamped with both varieties, so swamped that they stopped testing for both and tell the Overworked Rundown Going To Get Sick Anyway Mother to treat it as if it were.

We have a great pediatrician. He looks young enough to be my son, and he is almost as funny. And he has confessed to us that when he sees that Evan is on the schedule it makes his day brighter.

He checks Evan's ears, looks up his nose and in his mouth.

How is your appetite?

Well, I'm only hungry for breakfast food.

Neither one of us can control our snorts.

As we walk out the door the doctor wishes Evan well and hopes that he will be up to lunch and dinner in no time at all.

Cat Yak

2009-10-18T01:19:00.005-05:00

I'm pretty sure that it is a very bad sign when your cat brings you a fortune cookie and then pukes on it.

I have a feeling it was in retaliation for this. Yeah, I need a hobby that doesn't involve Percocet and cats.

Growing Pang

2009-10-16T22:37:00.001-05:00

It was bound to happen. He would make a friend that not only passed Driver's Ed and procured a license, but owns a car. A car that runs. On gas. Real gas, from a gas station and not 15 year old silly boy farts.

It was also bound to happen that this friend would come to the house and pick him up in the car and take him away from me. (After I give him all my money first. Of course, he believes he deserves all my money.)

I tell Evan that I need to meet this friend that has the driver's license and the car before he can leave. This doesn't go over well. Evidently cool kids don't have parents.

I make a deal that I will change out of my jammies, brush my hair, prop myself up against the wall and not say anything too stupid or embarrassing.

His friend comes in the house and shakes my hand and offers to give me her plates so I can run them.

Oh, no need for that...just promise me...if you get into a serious accident with my son in your car, make it a quick death. I'm not stable enough to care for him in a vegetative state. For real.

Evan gives me a dirty look.

Yeah, you can go back to your room, and we'll leave now.

Sigh.

I think my son grounded me.

The New Mom

2009-10-13T13:43:00.002-05:00

Do you remember being that new mom in the club? Your child newly diagnosed, your eyes welling with with tears. Frantically taking notes, writing down suggestions about therapies, doctors...trying to stay centered in a new world.

I asked her where she lived and was relieved by her answer...she was in one of the best school districts in the area. Not the one we live in.

I told her never ever give up, that anything and everything is possible. I told her that once upon a time I was told my son was autistic. Then I was told he wasn't autistic enough. I mentioned the problems with the schools, teachers, courts and how my son was treated. I told her never give up because she will know her child best, because anything and everything is possible. I told her that I am now the mom of a young man that is advocating for himself, a straight A student, is compassionate and witty, has friends and goals. And besides, all the cool kids have autism.

But yeah, I remember being that new mom, and so do all the others that meet the second Sunday of the month.

Come join us.

Explained.

2009-10-10T02:24:00.000-05:00

Alright, so, for those of you who don't get it..

See the red box? Where Endeavour is mated to the SCA? That's what the picture below is of.

Shock and Awe

2009-10-06T20:01:00.003-05:00

I had a fancy new allergy/asthma injection today called Xolair. Xolair is this really great drug, but some people have, uh, developed a severe allergic reaction called anaphylaxis. They die either right after the shot or after several months of the shot. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW...kinda like life. Because of this, I am now carrying an EPI pen with me at all times.

I started to explain this to Evan

So, Evan, I could go into anaphylactic shock. That's why I have this EPI pen...I shoot it into my thigh RIGHT THROUGH MY CLOTHES! and have 15 minutes to seek medical help...which will kinda suck if I am driving back from the doctor since he is an hour away from home...

So, what are the signs of anaphylactic shock?

Well, feelings of impending doom was on the list...

So, just like any other day? How are you going to tell the difference? Do you have a lot of refills for this?

!

Get It?

2009-10-05T21:03:00.003-05:00

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

OH MY GOD! HAHAHAHAHA! OH WOW! Oh man..

If only someone else got it.

Being a loser is lonely.

Award Season!

2009-10-04T02:10:00.004-05:00

Oh Em Gee, y'all...Alicia (aka Dr. Mom) over at Welcome To My Planet and Autism Sucks (I wrote a piece there once...I have had many Autism Sucks posts rattling around in my brain...serious major suckage sucky sucker posts but then Evan will say something like he is the Third Coming of Jesus and I can't stop laughing and then I think maybe it doesn't suck all that hard...and yes, I said Third Coming...you see, his theory is nobody believed Him/him when he came around the second time so third times a charm)

And a tangent I just went.

Anyhoo...Alicia gave me this award. And this is what she said about my blog...

"The House That Osh Built : This blog is one of the BEST blogs ever. It's like stumbling upon a little gem when you least expect it. "Osh" and her son/sidekick "Streetwiser" are beyond hilarious. Quirky, funny, smart, and sensitive, The House That Osh Built is written in a totally fresh, wholly different style than the "typical" blog. Snippets, bits of conversation, disjointed thoughts, and pieces of funny stories provide a uniquely humorous and inspiring blog. It's brilliant! Oh, and it's got Johnny Depp in it too (*sigh*) which is just the icing on an already terrific cake. The best part is the banter between mother and son. You just can't MAKE these priceless conversations up!! You GOT to check her out!"

How cool is that? So cool it totally made me cry! I know, everything makes me cry these days, but this was really worth the Kleenex. What you see here here is pretty much what you get...I'm not political by any means (unless it involves a candidates choice of attire) I'm hardly out in the trenches of advocacy for all...(I should do more...I should, but some days I can barely find the energy or desire to wash my face...there are so many parents out there that awe and frankly frighten me with how much they can do)

I somehow was blessed with an amazing child that has made my life into something I never dreamed of when I was planning my future 20 years ago. It has been a long journey this motherhood road, filled with tears and laughter, joy and sorrow, despair and celebration. And somehow I like to believe that I am a better person because of it.

Thank you Alicia for recognizing us...so kind of you!

Now here are the rules for this...and this is the hard part!

To Those Who Are Nominated: Here are the "rules" of the award:

* You must thank the person who has given you this award
* Copy the logo onto your blog (in post or sidebar)
* Link to the person who nominated you for the award
* Name 7 things about yourself people may find interesting
* Nominate 7 other Kreativ bloggers
* Post links to the 7 blogs you nominated
* Leave a comment on each nominee's blog to let them know they have been nominated.

Ugh, 7 interesting things about me? Oh boy...

1. I am freakishly double jointed in my arms. Seriously. Someday I will post a video of a trick I can do that will repulse and fascinate you at the same time. You will show your friends and I will be the next internet sensation...bigger than the dancing baby.

2. I can't stand "still" air...I must have the fan going in my room, even in the winter.

3. I failed a sign language class. I'm 98% deaf in both ears.

4. I am very nostalgic about parts of my childhood to the point where I get homesick for places that don't even exist anymore.

5. I drove to the top of Pikes Peak. In a thunderstorm. I took my hands off the steering wheel just to be able to say " I drove to the top of Pikes Peak in a thunderstorm and took my hands off of the steering wheel"

6. I keep a medal of The Virgin Mary around my rear view mirror...my son bought it for me at a garage sale. It is one of my favorite gifts from him.

7. I spent a lot of time in the hall in school because I talked too much. The last time I was sent out I was a junior in high-school, the teacher was so mad , he threw my desk out with me. I walked right out of school and went to the mall. This was a catholic school too...they were allowed to throw things at students.

Okay...and I am a party pooper because I hate having to pick blogs for awards...I love all the blogs I read...all for very different reasons...

So, if you are a reader of my blog and your blog is on my sidebar, YOU JUST WON THIS AWARD! YAY FOR YOU!

Mirror Past

2009-10-02T19:08:00.006-05:00

This picture was taken before I learned about eyebrow waxing...and when I thought perms were a good idea for spending summers in Key Largo...you know, already damaging my hair with saltwater from the ocean and chlorine from the pool wasn't enough for me.

The scars on my legs are from the Killer Key's Mosquito's, and are still visible today. The plastic shoes came from Saks Fifth Avenue (complete with matching plastic tote)...I should have saved them.

The fish is a dolphin...not the kind from Sea World.

I did stuff when I was younger. I was courageous. I took risks. I wore blue sunglasses with mirrored lenses, not large black frames to hide behind. I wore a white cover-up, not a slimming black. I clearly wasn't afraid or cared what I looked like. ( this is a lie, because if you look close enough you can see my Loreal Pink Sportif lipstick matches my nail-polish...who wears PINK lipstick in the middle of the ocean, when red would be so much better?) I smiled from pure joy.
The beauty mark is still above my upper lip before a stranger told me it was just an ugly mole and I had it taken off. I believed a stranger more than my mother.

I have changed so much.

My eyebrows look better.

Late To The Party

2009-09-27T23:06:00.003-05:00

Suzanne Wright, the co-founder of Autism Speaks, sent out a call to autistics and their families to send in pictures and videotapes arranged in poses of the autistic person alone, with family members and being hugged. Each person was to wear a white t- shirt. I didn't pay much attention...other things were going on in our lives, and I know better than to ask my son to be a "Poster Child" for any cause (unless it involves a Hollywood movie with Johnny Depp)

The video was completed. You can watch it. That is all I did was watch it. They (the Oscar nominees Alfonso Cuaron and Billy Mann who put the video together didn't bother to Close Caption the thing.) This video has caused in uproar in the Autistic Community for the words said...again, I couldn't find a transcript.

I typed too soon! I just posted on The Autism Hub email thread and was quickly given a link to the transcript. You may read it here if you would like. I have several thoughts on what was said. Some good some bad...Now is probably not t he time to spill them after taking painkillers.

I am hardly a political person. I'm just my son's mom. Autism speaks every single day in our house. And I try my very very best to listen with all the senses available to me. And I think it's working pretty good. Pretty damn good. My post yesterday is proof to that.

A Voice of Autism

2009-09-26T02:34:00.003-05:00

The hour was late, past both our bedtimes. I was weary. Crabby. Short tempered. Tired of waiting on doctors to get back to me. Tired of being in pain. Tired of the uncertainty of the future with a husband that has been without a job since May. Tired of trying to reach into my depths and find the strength to pretend to be strong for my child. My child that is full of his own ideas and opinions.

I feel his footsteps vibrate through me as he approaches my chair in the dark room. My first instinct is to snap.

You need to be in bed!

He leans close into my ear, touching my shoulder.

Are you okay, mom?

His question startles me. We argue and butt heads often. He issues terse apologies, but this?

His hand stays and he continues.

You just seem so tense and I worry about you. I want to make sure you are okay before I go to bed.

The tears come fast and hot. I blink them back and falter out

The pain, you know...it's just so much...oh honey...it takes over everything, and the waiting and not knowing...all the appointments...my back.

He starts to go back to his bedroom and I rise from my chair.

Wait, can I, may I...can I have a hug goodnight? Please?

I hold my boy tight to my, my head coming to his shoulder, where his once came to mine. He hugs me back and disappears to his room.

I go to my own bed and offer up my prayers, thankful for the gift I was just given.

What Is The Lesson Here?

2009-09-23T23:45:00.003-05:00

Some days, when I have absolutely nothing left to do, I read celebrity gossip. I know! Isn't it fun? I can be all judgey and mocky in the comfort of my own bed...it's really a lot of fun after I've come back from Physical Therapy and popped a couple of pain pills.

So today I see that John Travolta and his lovely wife Kelly Preston are in court for the extortion thingy that's going on down in The Bahamas. Something about a document pertaining to their son's medical condition that fell into the wrong hands...and those wrong hands wanted some money from Mr.Travolta or else they were gonna get money from like Star Magazine or The National Enquirer.

I was reading over on E! when this caught my eye

After a brief lunch break, Travolta returned to the stand and for the first time admitted that the long-time speculation was true about his son's condition.

"He was autistic," he said. "He suffered from a seizure disorder."

Interestingly enough (well for me, cause I am a Nosey Parker) the extortion case is about Mr. Travolta making a statement after Jett's death, that he, was in fact autistic.

Back when Jett died (far too young) there was a lot of internet chatter about whether or not he had autism...and if he did, why was it such a secret? Scientology, The Travolta's religion, doesn't acknowledge autism. Were they ashamed of the diagnosis? They are pretty high up in their church.

I have no idea. I speculate, that's what I'm good at. What I do know is I just can't imagine being so torn between my faith and my child, but then my faith is little to begin with and my life is measured by my autistic son, and it is beautiful. Crazy, but beautiful.

Dear JP,

2009-09-22T23:19:00.000-05:00

We have a few matters to discuss.

1) Sure, you can come to our 7 Party. Ours is the 24th at 4. I'm pumped for my Ultimate edition. Have you been completely confirmed yet? What do you think is going to come in the goody bags?

2) You need to come be computer guy at OASD. I need an Admin account so I can install Google Chrome.

3) I heard something about a "Prib's Ribs". I hate ribs, but eh.

Sincerely,
Johnny Depp Kid.

A Conversation With My Son

2009-09-22T15:32:00.004-05:00

So when you get better will you transport me places?

Sure, why?

I think I want to ask out this girl.

OH! The one in your class you said you liked?

Yeah.

Sure...hey, what's her name?

I'm not telling you! You'll like try to Facebook stalk her and stuff, I know how you operate.

!

Geometry Fail

2009-09-20T23:47:00.002-05:00

We're sitting at a stoplight and my son begins to speak

So mom, do you know what a (insert some fancy geometry word here) is?

Well, Evan, I believe that is something that a son learns in tenth grade and mothers do not need to know when they are of my age and beauty.

Okay, then do you know what a (insert another fancy geometry word here) is?

Again, Evan, that is something that serves you well at your age and will not serve me at all.

So, Mom, you have no clue, right?

You know, Evan, I have a driver's license and you don't.

He pauses in his self righteousness for a minute.

Well I will be a better driver than you ever were.

Not if I don't sign off on your license you won't.

A few minutes pass and I speak up.

You know what really sucks? When I go to write this on the blog, I am so not going to remember those geometry words you said.

I know.

And he smiles just a tad too big.

Smarty Pants

2009-09-16T18:22:00.002-05:00

Evan had to give a speech in English class this week, and remembering my own high-school calamities, I asked him to come practice for me.

He set my phone to the stopwatch feature (my phone has a stop watch feature?) and told me when to it start.

He sputtered a few words and then stopped.

I can't do this in front of you, you're like my mom.

Well, okay. I'm sure you'll do fine! You know, you can practice in front of the mirror...or hey! Your computer has that fancy webcam video thingy...record yourself and play it back!

Yeah. I know these tricks mom, my teacher told us the same thing.

HA! See, I know things that your teacher is teaching you!

Mom, this is English class, not math or science.

!

I have a mancrush on Craig Ferguson.

2009-09-11T00:00:00.004-05:00

And here's why.

He's the funniest late, late night host... funniest night host in general. He's British, so he sounds super cool. (He's like a Vicky only a man and on TV.) He and Hugh Laurie together are the definition of bromance. He's just plain awesome. And then of course there's this.

"Of course Obama is not the first president to have "You lie!" yelled at him. Bill Clinton had it yelled at him
all the time. Of course that was always by Hillary when he claimed he lost his pants in a tornado." -- Craig
looks like he's about to segway into another topic when something else pops in his head. "It was blowing
hard, honey!"

Just too awesome for words. 10 points if you get the double entendre.