Grace For Today

It's in the doing...

2009-09-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, a few weeks ago the thought came to me, "what would happen if, for nine months I relentlessly pursued God with everything within me? What would life look like if that was my singular motivating aim?" I'm not entirely sure what that looks like, but I do know that it is something that is both frightening and exciting, and something that I am looking forward to seeing on the other side of it. I mean, think about it- how much stuff changes in nine months? Babies go from being just a thought to a fully formed human being. Whole paradigms shift as students learn in class during a school year. The tides of nations are changed in that span of time and often less. Nine months isn't magical. There isn't some secret, biblical, numerological formula for that span of time (so far as I can tell), but it is a sight to set my eyes upon. It is a goal after which I will reach- and so I will.

As I thought about this whole idea of nine months of pursuit, one of the most important things that kept sticking out to me was the reality that real, genuine bible study has to be a part of it. I am not talking about the, wake up, shove a few scriptures down your throat as you head for or run out the door and hope that you remember them throughout the course of the day, or your life. No, I am talking about meditating on the scriptures, letting them take root and knowing that your life is being changed by a word that the Bible says is alive and active. So I started today.

I hopped on The Village Church's website and downloaded their podcast from a few years back about how to study the bible. I listened to it last night before heading off to bed and endeavored to start this morning- and start I did. Today's text was Matthew 1-4, as good a place to start as any, since it is the beginning of the new testament account of the life and work of Jesus. Amongst these texts, something really stuck out to me, namely Matthew 2:20-22. In it Matthew says:

“Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead.”
21 So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel.22 But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee,

Prior to this text Matthew has introduced us to the birth of Jesus and the fact that Herod is wanting to kill Him for being called "the King of the Jews." Joseph narrowly escapes with his wife and child and waits in Egypt until the death of Herod, the King, before he endeavors to return. Learning about Herod's death, he feels compelled by the Holy Spirit to return back to the land he came from because it is now safe. Along the way he, and seemingly God, change their mind, and suddenly realize that it's not so safe after all. The new king is just as, if not more dangerous than his paternal predecessor. Instead, God again warns Joseph to divert his plans and find himself in another place. The question that sticks out to me is this- didn't God know that Archelaus was king before he told Joseph to go back home? Was God surprised when, along the way back to Israel, an angel came to Him and broke the news, sending Him into a mad scramble to prepare a backup option for Joseph, Mary and Jesus? Or is something else at work here?

Maybe the traveling back to Israel was a pretext for God to show us the power of obedience. Sometimes, it is so easy for us to sit back and wait for a clear and concise direction and to say that until we have it we can't start moving. But what if God is asking us to move in the general direction of what we know and believe that along the way, He will make the details abundantly clear? Maybe that's what was going on here with Joseph. God knew all along what was going to happen. He knew about Herod, knew about Egypt, knew about the return to Israel that would be seemingly thwarted by Archelaus' reign and allowed it to play out exactly as it did, because He wanted to show Joseph (and us) what forward moving obedience looks like. Joseph could very easily have sat in whatever house he had built in Egypt and waited for the precise and exact direction for what was next. Instead, when God said go back to Israel he did, even though it was a very general direction he had been given. Imagine that God said to you, move to China. No city, no province, no idea of what area of the country to find yourself in- just move. How would we respond? More often than not I would say that we would look for signs in the stars, points on a map or a prophecy from someone that would identify all the specifics that our finite brains feel that we need. But what if God is saying "move" and the details will be revealed to you as you move forward. What if God is saying "the direction's in the doing." What are we now waiting on that God is waiting on as well? What if the full explanation of purpose, destiny, and fulfilled calling is waiting like waystations along the journey that is life, and what if we have to walk towards them in order to realize the fullness of our potential? What if waiting on the sidelines for a word will only continue to frustrate us because God is saying to walk confidently in the direction of the dreams that He has given us, believing that along the way more will be revealed. What if it's in the doing?

Grace is simply not getting shot!

2009-08-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Our move to Southeast Texas has been exciting and rewarding so far (well, at least most days!). We are making new friends that are our age, we are getting plugged into ministries that are a real fit for our gifts and graces, and we are enjoying being within 5-10 minutes of all of the features that larger cities offer young adults (sushi, movie theaters, etc).

I am serving two churches on opposite sides of a freeway and from very different worlds. Well, yesterday I was doing what a lot of preachers do with small congregations...I was visiting from house to house with members and their families. It is something that I have done for years.

That is when my life got extremely interesting for a brief moment. I pulled into a driveway, parked, got out of my vehicle and knocked on the door. To my surprise, the home owner opened the door and greeted me with a drawn pistol held to his eye level and pointed directly at my upper torso/head. By the grace of God, I managed to say "hey man, what's happening?" The home owner recognized me, lowered the pistol, set it down somewhere inside and joined me on the porch for a conversation.

Now, this particular neighborhood is not overly rough, but it is changing daily. To the south and west of the neighborhood there are considerably rougher areas, so I was a little surprised at this greeting. We talked for a bit and I discovered that this individual had had some troubles with some locals in the area.

This was not my first encounter with folks carrying...after all, I haven't always been a preacher. But it never occurred to me that pastors should have full body armor as a part of their vestments.

Anyway, I hope that Mr. X gets a peephole in his front door in the near future! In the mean time, I am reveling in the grace that for me today was the simple fact that I didn't get shot!

There is a Place

2009-07-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed by God because prayer continues to be the place where I can go and be connected. Today was rough! Day 1 of a fast that I'd long been putting off and I was irritable. I know the Bible says not to wear it on my face and I probably would have been alright if people hadn't been people...do you know what I mean by that? I mean, I could have hidden my irritability if people hadn't poked at it with a stick.

But I pray intensely as a part of this consecration and it's like my whole everything changes. My voice, my diction, my perspective. And it's not fake...I'm not reaching to pretend to be something I'm not, but it's like I'm becoming something that I'm not yet and prayer gives me a glimpse. I connect to God and when I pray with and for people, I often find that my heart for them grows deep. People I wanted to hit with a shovel five seconds ago become people whose lives I want to see enriched by any Godly means necessary.

So I thank God for taking this pastor's heart - often mistaken (when the world gets annoying and people are people and God seems distant) for a burden - and reshaping it until it more closely reflects the heart of my God. Yo, everything really will be alright...somehow, some day, certainly.

Would you hurry it up already?

2009-07-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

I feel so restless. Discontent with where I am and unsure of where I’m headed, I ride an emotional rollercoaster these days. It encompasses so many areas of my life, whether it is with my career, finances, with my relationships, and even with my understanding of who God is and what the Church represents in our culture.

I understand God’s grace in the big scheme of things, but what about the Today Grace?

I need some of that.

I don’t want to confuse it with Today Patience because I need some of that, too, but I really, really don’t like my life right now. Days feel dull and void, lifeless, and a wee bit lonely.

G R A C E to make it through and make the most of what I have and don’t have.

Today, I need it. Like… now.

Where's the Grace?

2009-05-18T10:07:00.001-07:00

While the title of the post may take you down memory lane to the place of the infamous "Where's the Beef?" commercials, the question today is really quite serious.

I learned early this morning that a member of our community committed suicide (while stoned) this past weekend.

I have not yet been called to do the funeral, although I am in high gear mentally preparing for that call should it occur (there is a loose affiliation with our church and this family).

I thought I would invite you all to a place of holy wrestling. Where is the grace of God in this situation? Is it solely with the family? Is there grace for the one who committed the act? Is Christ's forgiveness sufficient for even times like these?

I would invite you to share your thoughts...and I will come back and share some of mine later this week.

The Monday (okay Tuesday) After Easter

2009-04-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

This is a repost from a friend of mine who is a pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa, OK. I would say enjoy, but if you're like me, it will be more challenging than enjoyable...

Early on in the second volume of Luke-Acts, Luke records an early clash between the nascent church and the ruling elite of Jerusalem over the healing of a lame man who used to beg at the Temple:

"18Then they (the Sanhedrin) called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. 19But Peter and John replied, 'Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. 20For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.'

21After further threats they let them go. They could not decide how to punish them, because all the people were praising God for what had happened. 22For the man who was miraculously healed was over forty years old.

23On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God. 'Sovereign Lord,' they said, 'you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. 25You spoke by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of your servant, our father David:

'Why do the nations rage
and the peoples plot in vain?
26The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together
against the Lord
and against his Messiah.'

27Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. 28They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. 29Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. 30Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus.' "

It was not long into the career of the early church that the confession and resultant way of life that issued from that confession (God raised Jesus, the one you killed, which means that a universal change of regime is underway) put the church at odds with the world (in this case, Jerusalem). Luke is quite explicit on this point. In Acts 2, the people of Jerusalem perceive the early church as an oddity. By Acts 3 they are perceived as an undeniable threat to establishment power. Something about the confession that God raised Jesus from the dead disturbed the regnant powers-that-be. That this antipathy should be understood not just a one-off historical irregularity but as the inevitable state of affairs between that group of people that confesses the Crucified One as the Living Lord and those who feel their claims to power slipping away at His displacing rule is confirmed by Luke's use of Psalm 2 as paradigmatic for the church's life in a hostile world - God reigns through his Messiah, that is, Jesus; and at this reality every other claimant to power writhes and rages. For his reign disturbs and threatens.

Christ is risen, the church declared yesterday.
He is risen indeed.

But the world knows this not. And even our very lives have yet to be redefined by the judging and saving word that the empty tomb represents. I wonder whether we're prepared to face the terror of a living Lord who reigns in and through and over our times, provoking us to newness even as he brings the present regime(s) to an end. I wonder whether we're prepared to lock eyes with the one whose fidelity exposes us even as it overcomes our own hatred of him. I wonder if we're prepared to accept the shape of the kingdom whose King calls us to new and dangerous expressions of neighborliness, mercy, justice, and community.

Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?

I think that we are probably a lot less like the Spirit-imbued apostolic community and a lot more like the women in Mark who first encounter the empty tomb, who left in fear and silence, "trembling and bewildered" (surely this is Mark's way of provoking his own community to acknowledge their ongoing failure to embody the Resurrection reality in the world). We just aren't sure what we would do with a living Christ, or where we would put him, or how he fits in our safe little suburban ghettos, so we relegate him to the mystical and dare not talk about the material. I wonder, does the Risen one have anything substantial to say to whether or not a Christian should drive a Hummer or live in a million dollar home? Perhaps we are not ready to ask questions like that, but I think we should be honest about the fact that Resurrection is a trifle, a fairytale, a fable, a myth if we cannot ask questions like that ... if his world-subverting rule cannot call the shape of our taken-for-granted realities into question.

No, I think it would be too generous to suggest that we are like the women at the tomb in Mark 16. Rather I think it more accurate to suggest that we are like the conspirators in Matthew who sought to change the story to protect their vested interests. A risen Christ is far too troubling, too dangerous, too disturbing. Better to modify the details and mute the implications to protect the world we've erected unto ourselves than to wonder whether or not Resurrection might have something to say to, for instance, the racism and fear of the "other" that while unacknowledged still is undeniably encoded into the structures of most of our lives.

I'm just wondering this morning, the Monday after Easter, whether or not Resurrection means anything, or if it's just an empty cipher that provides us all with a sense of transcendence? I'm wondering why the populace is not threatened every year as the church makes her annual return to Golgotha and then, to the empty tomb?

Is it possible, I'm wondering...
IS IT POSSIBLE

that it's because we've turned Resurrection into an empty idea, into a Precious Moments illusion that makes us feel nice and warm inside all the while failing to provide an impetus or rationale for questioning, for example, whether a society that is sustained by a cultural ethos based on shopping can ever claim moral leadership in world affairs.

I'm just wondering.

Just wondering why Resurrection is not perceived as dangerous. Why the church's yearly return to the primal confession doesn't cause the powers to tremble...

Maybe, I'm wondering, we're missing something.

Seems to me that the news of Resurrection puts Christians in the Bible in an automatically awkward position. There are times of peace and quiet, to be sure, but more often than not wherever the news that "God raised Jesus from the dead" is announced in its thick, deep, salvation-historical, Hebraic, messianic, sociopolitical sense, Christians start dying or, at the very least, getting the living daylights beat out of them. It's arguable, I suppose, that the more morally robust a society is, the more capable it is of hearing the truth, but I hardly think that our culture is just so morally stout as to be capable of hearing the news about Resurrection and not panic... I think rather that the error lies on the side of an accomodationist Western church that knows how to say but not how to live "Jesus is Lord"; that is to say, "Caesar is NOT."

Or better yet...

Democracy is NOT
Capitalism is NOT
Consumerism is NOT
Nationalism is NOT
Militarism is NOT
America (and every other self-secured nation in the West) is NOT

For all these "powers" fall under the theological rubric provided by Psalm 2 and as such must too bend the knee to this Living Lord who judges and saves, and woe betide us if we become so safe in bed with our culture at large that we fail to maintain the theological (that is to say, prophetic) distance necessary to call these idolatrous powers into question; to be able to say, "This far you come and no further."

Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?
Do we believe it?

It in a consumeristic, militaristic, nationalistic, narcissistic, hedonistic dogmatically pluralistic societal ethos, one wonders how Easter Sunday is still one of the most well-attended church services of the year. One might expect crowds to stay away in droves on this, the most dangerous day of the church calendar, and to attend instead during those ordinary seasons when we teach people how to be nice and have success in their careers (read: fit in in Western civilization).

This morning I am thinking that the gospel is not nice. It is not safe. And neither is the One it proclaims.

But it, and He, to quote C. S. Lewis, is good. With a goodness that so surpasses our perception of "the good" that it ought to disturb and terrify us. That it doesn't, that Monday after Easter Sunday can come and nothing is different, is an indication at least to me that the church in the West is sick, and probably dying, for we've lost the nerve to name the Name in all it's disturbing otherness, and so to challenge...

every rival Lord,
every rival politics,
every rival economics,
and every rival ethics,

that refuses to acknowledge the Resurrected one as Lord of all.

God help us.

Even Unto Death...?

2009-04-02T13:27:00.001-07:00

This is a post from my other blog that I wanted to repost here:

There I was, standing and looking out over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. In my ears played the refrain of a song off of ORU Music Ministries' album, "Until the Whole World Knows." While I enjoy most of the album, the one song that seemed to stick to me is one called "Persecution." Dark I know, right-but it's awesome. The basic premise of the song is that true worship and purification happen through the trials that we face and our willingness to walk through them and still sing out praises to our God. We eventually will join with the elders (that's for you Kelbert) and the scores of saints that have gone before in singing that our God is holy and is worthy of all praise. It's a haunting reminder that this life is not all that there is, and that our ultimate goal, our chief aim, is to bring about the praise and glory of our Lord.

Then I started thinking, what about those elders who have gone before me? In particular, there's this line in the song that really jumped out at me. As the song is resolving, the worship leader says, "we will be as those who boldly come before the throne and sing the elders' song...even unto death." Really? Unto death? The weight of that line is massive. The idea that we are called to sing worship to God, even in the face of death is a daunting reminder of my failure to even come close to that. It's so easy to praise God when things are going well, or more solemnly, when things are not going so well so long as there is an innate belief that it will all resolve itself to our good. But what of the idea that our praise and worship is to be extended even at the point of our death- when it is apparent that things are not going to work out like we want them? What of the stories of the saints and elders like Stephen who, even at the point of his death could look up towards heaven and see Jesus and then with his last breath speak forgiveness over those who were killing him? What of Paul and Silas, of the Apostle John, of Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela who could believe in and worship a Savior in spite of facing and embracing death in a very real and tangible sense? What do we do with those stories in a worldview that has no idea what it really means to "face death all the day long" as Psalm 44:22 says. Am I really willing or ready to worship God to the point of my death? Do I value His love and sacrifice to that point, or is it merely idle chatter and pretty (albeit haunting) songs that fill my day with no real connection to my actual life?

Let's take a step back. Is there anything for which I am willing to die? I would dare say that at this point there isn't- and that scares me. Martin Luther King, Jr. said "if a man is not willing to die for something he is not fit to live. " Could I extend it slightly and say that the person who has not found something worth dying for has not yet begun to live? I mean, consider it- if there is nothing for which we would be willing to sacrifice everything, then how can we accurately love anything? Do I rightly love God if I would not be willing in more than word to lay down my life? Is God enough, or do I think that adding to Him is necessary in order to fully appreciate and embrace life? Further, by adding to Him, do I take away from who he really is? Hint- the answer is yes.

And there's still one step further this journey is taking me. Am I willing to die...to myself. Now, I am not referring to the oft used reference of "death to self" referring to a subduing of passions and desires in pursuit of some as yet unattainable divine goal or spiritual "attitude." I am talking of my willingness to put upon the altar of my life any dreams and ambitions to see if, when tried by fire, they last and are found to actually be God's plans. We all make plans- it's in our nature to do so. We take into account our ambitions, abilities, desires, and any number of other factors in order to create a plan for our lives that we intend to walk out. Often, these plans are built out of a desire to do the will of God for our lives (however elusive that may seem to be at times), and we strive with all earnest to see them come about. But would we be willing to lay them down? I mean, Saul knew that he was doing God's work, and pursued it with as much vigor and fervor as he possibly could. Then God stepped in and changed everything. Moses was completely content living a life of luxury in the palace of the king until a situation arose that shook him to the very core of his being and sent him fleeing into the desert (where he would spend the remainder of his days). Abraham was a good man who became righteous simply because he "believed" when God called out to him. The key factor with all these people? God stepped in and they were willing to be changed. The key question for me? Would I be as willing to let everything I knew, everything I felt "called" to do, everything I was sure of be held by the master and shaped into what it is he precisely wants?

I sure hope so.

In truth, the Bible is replete with stories of men and women who were pursuing their plans and passions, only to have those plans shaken by an encounter with a very real God. Fishermen left their trade and their families to pursue an unknown man with a panache for pissing people off, shepherds left the comfort and familiarity of their flock to confront an army, and women left behind the established order and societal conventions in order to ensure that the gospel was preached and established. The ultimate flexibility of these people's plans met the immovability of a sovereign God's plans for each of us and the restoration of the world to Himself. I pray that I might be one who, as these did, would be willing to lay down what is firm in my mind for what is ultimate in His heart.

"Don't Say It, Show It."

2009-03-08T23:20:00.001-07:00

There are some days I want to mute Christians. Considering I am on staff at a church that is probably not the best thing to admit, but give me a chance to explain. For twelve years I have been blessed to receive a Christian education, but in all of my twelve years do you know what I remember the most? The empty words.

In the culture of the town I grew up and still live in, it seems like people most people who claim to love Jesus have one thing in common: their language. Although I was never informed, I’m certain there must be some secret religious word bank that inspires people who claim to follow Christ to attach religious phrases to common conversation—as if for every word they used they were gaining some brownie point that could be redeemed in Heaven. If what I suspect is really happening, I hope I end up losing this word bank game.

I am not at all saying that people should avoid all words that sound religious. I am just suggesting that perhaps, unknowingly, we have given them a bit too much control of our vocabulary. The other day I was in a meeting about my major class changes when a professor explained the reason class names were being changed:

“After considering the marketability of our program, the value of our graduates, and of course the leading of the Holy Spirit we have decided to make some changes to the major.”

In my opinion that’s a bit ridiculous. Did they really pray about changing the course name from Mass Media Communications to Media and Pop Culture? Okay, lets give them the benefit of the doubt here and say that yes, they did. Still—the more we hear phrases the more desensitized we become to them. I think that if Christians kept their mouths shut a little more and thought about the meaning of the phrases they used we would use them much more sparingly, and they would have a much greater impact.

One of my writing professors has a saying I hear all too often when editing my work: “Don’t say it, show it.” While it can make me cringe in the classroom, it gives me hope in the church. If as Christians, we made it a priority to show Christ in our lives rather than say He is there, I know we would truly change the world.

There is really only one time of the year I hear the word bank game slow down. It seems as if during Lent people leave their religious phrases at the door. I assume it is partially because there really aren’t too many religious phrases you can tag onto this beautiful season. Jesus did not speak to me to give up chocolate for sixty days. The Holy Spirit did not lead me to participate in this adventurous yet difficult sacrificial journey. I chose to, completely of my own accord.

There is something magical about Jesus without obligation. I was raised non-denominational so the Lenten season was never a sacrifice I was even subjected to until I was in high school. I have, however, participated in many Christian activities out of obligation. I have attended mandatory chapel services several times a week for years. I was raised going to church at least twice a week. Now I am on staff at a church where the obligation is much more of a joy, but it still requires going to three services a week. I do many things out of obligation, but participating in the Lenten season is not one of them. I suppose that is why I love lent so much. I feel like I have the opportunity to show Jesus just how much I love Him, in a way I quite honestly don’t have to.

I find grace in Jesus without obligation. I find it in the urge I have for that bag of M&Ms. I find it in the movie line that was never intended to point to Christ. I find it the lyric of the song on the retreat I didn’t have to volunteer for. I find grace when God is shown, and not merely spoken of.

Lent screams, “Don’t say it, show it.” I suppose it is that pervasive theme that has allowed this precious season to endure throughout time. I sincerely hope that in this Lenten season you find grace in showing God your love for Him despite obligation. Because while there is most definitely a place for words from Jesus and faithfully seeking God with a body of believers, we have to fight for the place to show the world Jesus, and not merely speak of Him.

Lent(ils)

2009-02-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

It's the beginning of the lenten season, one of the holiest times in the Christian calendar, and as I sit in a coffee shop thinking about the weight of what this season means, I am struck by the gravity of my occasional abuse of grace. As I have indicated in previous blogs, I have at times been guilty of pursuing my own goals with God as the supposed focus, but myself as the true aim. It's something we all struggle with- I get that- but it's something to be confronted with the reality of our own selfishness and to be asked by a holy God to let him be God in our lives. It's overwhelming to think that there's a plan that has been set in motion before the foundation of the earth and here I am trying to make it work, as if my actions can make or unmake God's ultimate will. It's much easier to submit and let God be God in my life without him having to continually humble me (as he has had to do of late). But none of that is the point of this blog (I know, but you should be used to my digressive ramblings at this point).

Lent is about reflecting on the days leading up to the death and resurrection of Christ. This season is about thinking through how God was so desirous of our restoration that he was willing to sacrifice so much so that we could be drawn back to Him. What's even more marvelous to me though, is the idea that God still allows us to "taste and see that the Lord is good." I mean, with that much sacrifice, He is still willing to give us the latitude to taste His goodness, kick the tires, and test His faithfulness out for ourselves. His patience is outstanding, but I guess when you're eternal, 6 or 2 or 10 or 20 years of wandering in the proverbial wilderness are nothing. Thank God for His eternal patience.

As I enter into this lenten season, I am entering with a perspective that I don't think I've had in any previous season of my life, lenten or otherwise. I am a part of a greater plan that I didn't start and can't finish. I am a part of a greater story for God's glory and I was created to bring glory to the name that is above every name and who is seeking to draw all people to himself. It's extremely liberating to know that it's not my deal to start, fix, or finish. My deal is to submit and ask God, "what's next?" My job is to move out of the way so that God can be fully God without me fighting to wrest control for my life and my part of the story from his grasp. It's freeing to know that my days were planned out, and while there is a part that I must play (faith without works is dead and all), ultimately it is on a path that God is leading me down if I would just let Him. So, this lent, my prayer is for the continued revealing of how I am supposed to play my part in the greater story. How are my days to be counted amongst the scores that have gone before and will come after? How am I to be my beloved's and he be mine?

What's your focus and prayer during this lent?

Stepping Back...

2009-02-05T15:52:00.000-08:00

So, here’s the skinny. About five years ago, I left a steady (albeit mind numbing) job at my alma matter to venture out into the world of…something. Always a bit of a restless soul, I was unhappy with the direction (or what I felt was lack thereof) from some of my superiors and the sense of ineptitude I was covering for on a regular basis. So, I struck out on my own- into the vast sea of supposed (that’s suppose-ed) opportunity seeing what my hand could find to do. Now, several years later, with much more wisdom and much less naïveté, I find myself facing a crossroads. It’s hinted at in my last post, but let me expound a little bit. I want more.

As I have previously stated, I grew up in a house of dreamers, a house of believers in the impossible, and quite honestly, I think I adopted much of that thinking. In fact, my sister has taken to classifying me as the believer out of the three siblings (she’s the dreamer, and my youngest is the striver/achiever- makes for a really great tattoo should I ever man up and get one). I see what it is possible to do or be, should that be in writing, creative enterprise, people’s lives, job potential, saving Ethiopian jungle pumas (ok, I made that last one up), and I know that it can and will happen. So I strive towards the goal of whatever that thing is with faith like a monster and an unquenchable fervor. It’s served me well in some instances, like when rallying the troops in the last hours of an event when they’re all tired and underpaid, like believing with a friend for a miracle that seems to be slipping out of his or her grasp, the list could go on. But I sometimes and currently find myself fearing that I’m doing myself a disservice by extending that same thing to me. What I mean is, I’ve been believing that my God given connections, hard work, and skill sets would pay off, knowing that I am called to something more, and not understanding why the time for that more isn’t happening in the timeframe a little closer to my choosing. I mean, I have friends who are already well on their way to successful careers- and yet I still struggle with monthly bills.

So, I’ve taken jobs that have been rife with potential, believing that the fulfilled potential was just around the corner, even if it meant I had to struggle and suffer a little bit right now. While that’s a great idea, and one that I don’t necessarily disagree with, that “right now” season has been about five years long. It might be time for a change. That change might (and probably does) mean a reintroduction into the corporate workforce that I have eschewed for so long, and a momentary tabling of (not giving up on) these lofty dreams and ideals to which I have held for so long. In short, I think I’m temporarily throwing in the towel on working on my dreams, just so that I can live my life. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to dream, nor does it mean I’m going out looking for the first job that comes my way. It does mean that the pursuit of where I see myself ultimately is not important right now. If I get there, I get there, and I have little control over that process right now, save continuing to be myself, with all the dreams and passion bubbling right below the surface. Right now, I have to live basic life, the kind with the eating, strong friendships, deep conversations, and fun that I haven’t had in abundance throughout the past several years. I need to be a 27 year old man who has 60+ years ahead of him to fulfill whatever the heck it is he’s supposed to in this life. I wish that day was today, but since it’s not…plan b.

Why the change of heart? This all came to a head last night. I spent the good majority of the night in various stages of discomfort in a hospital waiting room, then triage room, then exam room having tests run and blood drawn, x-rays shot, and IVs pumped all because I had the misfortune of contracting some virus that presented me with a 104^ofever and lots of other, well… bad stuff. As I sat in the discharge center and they plied me with questions that were about as invasive as some of the tests, the gravity of it all hit me. I have limited resources (that’s a nice way to say that I’m broke), no insurance, and no prospects of getting any anytime soon should current situations continue. I’ve got a job I love, but it too is so much potential. The cycle is again repeating itself- and at some point it has to stop. So I choose that day to be today. So, monster.com, and whatever else is out there, I’m coming for you, and you’re going to yield your secrets and point me in the direction of jobs and stability. Friendships that are deeper and more abiding, keep an eye out, I’m headed your way too, we’ve been apart for far too long, food- it’ll be good to see you again in regular and larger quantities, and to any naysayers (internal or external), I’ve not given up. As Captain John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to fight,” I’m just making a strategic retreat for now. And maybe that’s grace for me right now.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

2009-02-04T11:03:00.000-08:00

I've got this girl cousin who THINKS she knows me...no wait, that's not where I want to start...but remember it, so I don't have to say it again.

I'm sick...101 degree fever, some type of virus my doctor said...stay in bed with daily doses of ______ and ____________ until the fever breaks, which said nothing about how I would deal with the fatigue and dizziness and sinus headaches and congestion and shallow breathing. But doctor's orders are doctor's orders so, "in bed" is where I've been for more hours in the past 5 days than in probably the last 3 weeks. Seriously. I'm used to being busy. I'm used to running on fumes and not even recognizing that I'm doing it. I've just become accustomed to operating on little to no sleep. But had I become used to operating in a manner that was anything but optimal?

My girl cousin said to me: maybe God wants you to get some rest. Did I take that as blasphemy? Almost. I was offended, as though I was so hard headed that God would have to get His point across like this...like I had ignored so many gentle nudges until finally, I had to be knocked on my butt. Just today, when asking me about something that she'd no doubt asked me about before, and which I'd no doubt had an answer (not quite rehearsed, but just as polished) about where it was located very near to the top of my list of priorities, but not quite number 1 at the moment...she said: "i know that ur a busy man w/tons of things on ur plate. (that's my nice way of saying you're forgetful some times)" Okay...ouch! Not the best way to ask for my help...by calling me on my stuff. Well, that would be if I was so prideful as not to see when a good stabbing was deserved.

But is God's grace in this situation turning around a bad situation and mining the essential minerals of goodness out of it? I've gotten a chance to actually do some work while lying in this bed, as opposed to talking about doing the work...whenever I finally got a chance. And, oh goodness, is their time to think!!! This, I've found is helpful for real prioritization...the kind that is determined by plan and not by circumstance. I will never tell my cousin that she knows me, because she will eventually find out anyway. She's won too easily already and should have to work for something, shouldn't she? Don't answer that. I'm convinced of it and that settles it for me. Thanks anyway and thanks for listening.

The painful in between

2009-01-30T19:54:00.001-08:00

There's this interesting concept that's been rolling around in my head. It's something I haven't been able to shake for quite some time and since it is all too well known amongst my friends that I process best when I write, I figured I would give it a go. My question is this- at what point does dreaming become an exercise in futility? More specifically, at what point do we retire (or perhaps put on hold) the pursuit of dreams for the realities of surviving in daily life?

I was raised in a household that taught and encouraged my sisters and I to shoot for the stars, to believe that anything could be accomplished, and that there was nothing which could not be done if one put their minds and expertise to it. I grew up believing that failing was to not try, not to not succeed when you did (was that confusing to anyone). I saw a father who, even at the point of his death, had not seen the realization of his dreams- but even then he dreamed. He left behind a strong name, passion for people, and an ability to dream that was unmatched, but not necessarily a sense of what it looked like to see those dreams accomplished. Of late, I have felt that I have been following suit. What I mean is this- I have been striving for some indeterminate dream for quite some time now...and I still don't seem to be getting anywhere for all my dreaming.

More times than I can count, I have struck out with little but a dream- no plan, no actionable items, just a passion to do...something more than I currently found myself doing. And, more times than I can count, I have found myself in this exact place- desperately wanting more, but being confronted with the reality that what I have now is barely enough. All around me, I see friends and associates accomplishing their dreams, I see what appears to be God's blessing on the various aspects of their lives. I see marriages thrive, careers taking off, lives being lived with a joy and an abandon that only comes with something I can't quite put my finger on. And here I sit with a dream that is as of yet unfulfilled. I sit in between what I feel is a destiny and the reality of the shortcomings of my right now, and it hurts.

It hurts because I feel directionless at times. It hurst because I feel like I'm spinning my wheels without really gaining any traction. It hurts because I don't even know how to make it stop. And before you pose the standard answer, yes I pray- dear God do I pray! I pray for direction, I pray for correction where I'm missing it, I pray for favor, I pray for humility, I pray for boldness, I pray for inventiveness. Truth be told, I pray for anything I can think of that will help me get past this, this...place that I've been in for far too long. And yet I'm still here. And I don't know what else to do.

But do I give up on dreaming? Do I decide that the pursuit of a dream isn't worth it, and instead decide to chase the available and expedient? Do I fold my hand and throw in the cards (ironic references considering that I suck at all things gambling) and instead decide to just drone on through life? We all believe, or at least want to believe, that there's a more to which we are called; a greater that we are supposed to accomplish. But what is that for me? There are talents and abilities that people continually point out in me, but where have they ever gotten me- I mean, really gotten me, in the long run? Better yet, have I held onto my supposed "talents" for too long when I should have just been putting nose to the grindstone and doing what was necessary to survive daily? Yes, I mean regular things like just getting a "regular" job that has things like benefits and health insurance. But I also mean so much more and so many other things which are entirely intangible. Things like is "fulfillment" that important in your job, or is that just a crutch to keep you from working hard at something you don't particularly care for?

I've got more questions than answers right now. There will undoubtedly be more to come.

Delivery Time

2009-01-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

It’s been awhile… a long duration since I’ve exposed the inner Brittany to the world. At first it was a serious case of writer’s block, followed then by an inability to vomit out the words that were lurking within me - where I couldn’t communicate what or who I was to myself or to anyone else. That has changed.

I, for some time now, have been in a period of gestation – what I believe to be a season where old dreams come to life. A time of rebirth.

In all the pain that I walked through over the last nine months, I felt – from its conception – that this was a John 16 moment [John 16:20-22]. The scripture refers to a woman in labor who suffers pain and anguish; however, upon the birth, she is so overcome with joy that she remembers that pain – but feels it no longer. When reading that passage many months ago, I too, felt that I was in that place. A place upon which I suffered and felt the pangs of something that was alive within me, yet hopeful of what would spring forth from it.

I write today to celebrate [the eve of] nine months. I truly feel that this gestation period has ended, and my initial instinct was accurate. Life has been breathed into what I thought was stale and decomposed. Dreams and talents have been restored and I am so grateful to the Lord for it. This season was initially stemmed from brokenness of an unfaithful relationship, and it has taken me until today to forgive him. Today… I feel free.

I have encountered more of God’s grace [at least that I am aware of] during this time than I ever have in my entire life, and I know that there is a direct correlation between the release of bitterness and unforgiveness towards that [hu]man in order to be free and fully release the regeneration of the dreams I felt were dead and gone.

Words cannot express the joy I feel when I look at where I’ve been and where I am now. I have completed an insanely long journey! I look at the opportunities that are knocking on my door, and I am simply floored by the accuracy of timing during these nine months – even to the point where I reflect on the last three months [last trimester] and discover how much I have grown, developed, and redefined who I am.

So, Happy [re]birth-day Briniloo! Its delivery time.

Grace as process

2008-12-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so a lot has obviously been written within these pages about the subject of grace (I mean it is the purpose of this whole thing). But recently I've been thinking more and more about the idea of grace as a transformative agent in our lives. What I mean is this: grace is more than just an extension of God's love to us situationally, it is more than just an experience by experience ability granted to us by God to overcome, it is more than just a flash in the pan moment of divine sovreignity that delivers us from...whatever. No, I think that Grace is the power to change. More than that, grace is the time laden process whereby God draws us closer to himself and HIS purpose for our life.

Let's take Saul/Paul for example. Here was a man who rather blatantly and openly persecuted the church of Christ. Scripture is replete with his retelling of how he had a hand in, or often directed the hand that brought about the death of countless believers. Along comes God on a road to what was probably a further inquisition of followers of Christ (yes, the Bible *is* silent about why Saul was going to Damascus, but since he was the chief persecutor, is it really that far of a stretch to believe that's why he was going), and Saul's life becomes radically changed and he begins to espouse the very same things he once ridiculed and sought to destroy. The question becomes, what was grace in that story? It's easy to see how the road to Damascus experience was God stepping into the realm of Paul's existence to confront him with salvation, but what about the times leading up to that? Do the moments when he was part of the attempted destruction of the church count as grace? I would venture to say yes.

What do I mean by that? Paul's persecuting was a part of his story, and it's the reason the latter portion of it is so powerful. Paul's choosing to deny Christ was necessary in order for his ultimate acceptance of Christ to carry its truest and weightiest value. In short, grace was being shown to Paul by allowing him to thumb his nose at what he would ultimately embrace because it could serve as the fuel for his vigor in winning "the lost" to Christ. Sure, the Damascus road was the catalyst, but all the time leading up to that moment would later serve as the fuel to keep the momentary experience going strong and that much more effective.

So, what's my point? Your hard times are grace because they are ultimately a part of a narrative that is much greater than what you currently find yourself mired in. No, that doesn't mean that you should just roll over and accept whatever negative things come your way as being "part of God's plan," but it does mean that you should realize that it is part of a story still unfolding. It has been said that the kingdom of God is "now and still not yet," meaning that God is simultaneously present in our current circumstances as well as the future when those circumstances change because He is outside of time. So look forward, and know that all that we face now is a part of the victory we attain when we take hold of that "prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus."

Pursue. Original. And Merry Christmas.

Weighed Down

2008-12-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have been weighed down with a ton of thoughts and emotions swirling around during the past 24 hours.

Recently, someone that used to be very close to me (not a former significant other...so don't go there), contacted me with a Christmas card that had nothing more than the preprinted message, their signature, and a phone number. I called the phone number (twice) and there was no answer. I am not sure what I was going to say or ask...I just dialed.

Suffice it to say that this person and I said and did some awful things to one another through the course of our relationship. Many hurts and pains have been experienced on both sides of this relationship.

My question is simple, how do I handle this reconnection with the grace that God has given me for today?

Of course, this question begs dozens of others: How do I practice what I preach (literally)? Do I welcome the individual with open arms neglecting what I know about the past? Do I connect them with my current family with so much lack of detailed information and uncertainty of truth revolving around the past events of their life? Am I being selfish or cautious by not wanting my family connected with wreckage that could come about if history repeats itself? After almost 2 decades of absence, why now? Do I shake the dust off my feet or do I throw a party (speaking figuratively of the Gospels of course)? I could go on ad infinitum...but won't.

Here is all I really know in the moment:

There is no doubt that I have amends to make...
There is no doubt that I have forgiveness to offer...
There is no doubt that grace will guide if I let it...

I wonder what you all do in situations like this. I am quite certain that I am not the only one that has experienced this, so let me know about your encounters with grace through reconciled (or unreconciled) relationships.

I look forward to hearing (reading) your stories of experience, strength and hope...for me, that would be grace enough for today.

The man without fear!!!

2008-12-19T13:14:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine told me yesterday that, among the many thoughts turning around in her head about this coming year and what it would bring, there was a distinct undercurrent of fear. I didn't understand this, so I urged her to continue on. What would she be doing this time next year? Would she be alive? Would she be happy? Would she be closer to God or further away? Would her life be significant? These are all valid questions that I think most people ask (oddly enough, I wouldn't think to ask but 1 of them...and that I ask every day. Bonus points if you can guess which one), but is fear the default position for the people that entertain these questions? I mean...they say that people fear what they do not understand and I guess that makes a degree of sense, but how much really? Why bother being afraid of something (your life) that needs you as much as you need it? Why should life seem threatening when our end means its own as well? If anything, the mystery of life seems to me inviting, albeit challenging.

I realized something about the nature of my fear - I'm not afraid of what I don't know and cannot possibly know. If anything, I'm afraid of what I could know but don't find out, opting instead to be comfortably horrified by whatever "worst possible case" assumptions I make. In other words, I've identified two areas of unknown in my life: that which I could not definitively, completely know, regardless of how hard I tried and those things for which it would cost "too much" to come outside of myself to find out. The latter is crippling: it limits human interaction, stifles praise in the midst of struggle or pain, and enslaves the mind/soul over time. Ugly stuff! So, I think I've found my New Din's resolution: stop feeding the fearful side of not knowing!!! Come outside (of myself) more often!!! Now don't get it twisted! I've no plans of shunning my Christianity to embrace an "open to everything in the world" theology. I'm talking about a purposeful, guided by the Holy Spirit, examination of the things I've done through the years to limit my growth by embracing fear...and then, I'm going to ball them all up and slingshot them out of my life. I want to be a modern day example of what a soul winning Christian looks like without fear. God grant me grace for the journey!!!

As for my friend, yeah, I'm taking her along with me. No one left behind. Ha! Chilly Ciao ya'll.

I Need Grace

2008-12-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

The last few months have been very trying for me. It's funny how seeing the very things your heart desires begin to come to pass can bring with it so many opportunities to look not at the things which are seen but at the things which are unseen. I've been busy. Too busy. And I need a break. I need grace. I need space. I just need to be. I want to be really happy right now and share everything about the recording that I just began last week. But, I must admit, I'm weary in soul. Don't get me wrong. My heart and my eyes are fixed on Jesus. It's just that their are many things that are trying to pass before my eyes in an attempt to distract and just flat out blind me. It's just that way right now. But I do know that the grace of our Lord is ever present. Thank You Jesus.

So I'll take the time the I need and the space that I need. I'll use my imagination and travel back to the Adriatic Sea and once again let the Lord restore my soul. I'll trust Him to help me to once again love the ones that around me with the same passion that I'm being loved with.

Be not weary in well doing for in due season you shall reap if you faint not. Let it be so.

Kelbert

Grace in Provision

2008-12-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

My wife got laid off from her job today...I am not sure that either of us are completely surprised. I am sure that the timing is awful (a ministry organization laying off 2 weeks before Christmas?), but there really is no great time to be laid off.

It is interesting to me that this is the second time that we have faced this issue since our arrival in East Texas almost 4 years ago. Did we not learn what we were supposed to the last time (read this with some sarcasm)? I don't know. Thankfully, we have a roof over our heads, a freezer full of food, our Christmas shopping is done (and paid for I might add!), and we still have some income coming in.

So, just for today, grace is in God's provision right here, right now...and in the hope of God's continual provision. God really is good, all the time and all the time, God really is good.

Safe Again

2008-12-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

At 5:33 a.m. this morning, there were several flashes of lightning that lit up the house, turning dark ever so briefly into daylight. Accompanying the light show that was over and around us was the roaring clap of thunder...a sound so loud and so close that it literally awoke me from a dead sleep and rattled the very walls of the house where we live.

Moments later the pager goes off. What is it this time? A wreck? A downed tree? I fumble for the pager and push the button to discover that the light show that we had just participated in had left its mark on a house just up the road. Dressed and out the door, I make the short half mile drive to our station #1 and suit up.

Our station and the engine that I am on are the first on the scene. We do our initial check, check in with the now established incident command, and begin to lay out our lines. There is fire coming from a second story bedroom venting out through the roof and there is fire on the back end of the car at that same corner of the house. Some quick water on the exterior fires and it is off into the house with the fire chief to locate the source of the fire. There is movement of furniture, tearing of ceiling and walls, running of additional lines and relief workers coming in.

I take my relief and exit the structure and man the secondary line on the ground under the fire. The fire again vents at the roof and we hose it down. Just as this latest outburst in the house is dowsed, the car begins to burn again. This time, fire is coming from the gas tank area of the vehicle. I hose down the fire, two other fire fighters break out a window and open the trunk and we are able to extinguish the remaining fire without further incident or explosion.

At the end of almost 3 hours, 1 vehicle is lost and 1 room is decimated. The residents of the house - a man, his wife, and their dog - are safe. All fire fighters are safe. Some may call that fortune. Some may call that luck. Some may even be tempted to call that fate. This preacher/firefighter, however, after praying on the front lines and at the end of a hose, chooses to call that grace.

Grace to Finish a Semester and a Year

2008-12-03T15:34:00.000-08:00

1 more Monday and 2 assignments to go ya'll and I will be done with the first semester of my second year at Union Theological Seminary. 28 days and I will officially have a year under my belt as pastor of a youth church.

I've still got my mind and I've still got congregants, and for that I praise God for Amazing, Unquestionable, Ridiculous Grace. Yeah, they ABSOLUTELY all deserve to be capitalized...thanks for asking. lol. I feel like I've spoken enough about school already - if not to whoever's reading this, then certainly to whoever happens to be sitting next to me and asks about my day. So, let's talk about this pastor business.

Man! I've got issues. I'm a minimalist...I like to get by without big committee meetings that inconvenience people by forcing them to be all in one physical space at the same time, but I'm also forgetful, so I don't remember to tell people that I'd like to do away with the meetings and have email/text message check-ins instead. Then, people think that I don't appreciate their efforts or approve of them and would rather do things myself (but they never tell me this, they just act it out) and I get frustrated about having to do everything myself (even though I never investigate this or express myself, I just act it out). Dangit...I'm messy!

I've spent a good portion of my life being a loner (I think the only reason God allows me to date is so I won't continue down this path until the point where I become so consumed with myself that any outside world ceases to exist. HA!) and though I began my life as a reader (I've so slacked off in recent time, I blame it on school which makes the thought of reading altogether unappealing) and was transported to many different worlds by my imagination...the real world, this one we're in...I just don't get it. I don't understand why my young congregants do the things they do. I don't understand why their parents do the things they do. Heck, I don't understand my own human nature sometimes. I am detached, plain and simple. Is it anything but grace that I preach from a woefully distant and inadequate starting point and yet people find some nugget to take away that enriches their lives? Is it anything but God working through me by virtue of his will and my willingness? I spend so much time looking at my limitations: time constraints, quirks and personality deficiencies, an at times less than dedicated life, and the fact that I'm not always as convinced as I give off, that I question more days than is probably safe to admit whether I should be doing this or for how much longer I will be doing it.

If successful sermons and personal growth have not proven to me that I'm in the right place yet (and honestly, that jury is still out for me...and I appreciate the people in my life that let me be honest about my journey), I can at least say that God is prospering me where I am, while I try to hear Him about where I'm going.

Amen. Because that's what you say at the end of each grace.

The obligatory quasi-thanksgiving post

2008-11-27T14:38:00.000-08:00

So, it's Thanksgiving. This is the time when family from all over the country and for some the world (not me, but some people I'm sure) get together and pretend to be close for the sake of a dead bird and some rolls. Did that sound hateful to anyone besides me? Digression stops now...

So, I'm in Florida visiting my mother. To be honest, I was not initially excited about the prospect of spending several days in the Sunshine State. It has nothing to do with being around my mother (no hidden stories there), it was more so the lack of most of the rest of my family. I mean, both sisters declined to come for different reasons, and as far as I knew it would be me, my mom, and a bunch of people from her church. That meant there would be a lot of, "oh you're Leslie's son- you look just like her," and "what do you do" statements and questions that would get annoying after a while. Why? Because the answers to the questions of what I'm doing are difficult at best. By most standards I am not doing much right now. Especially not in comparison to the rest of my family. I have one sister faithfully serving her country in the Navy, having just finished her first tour of duty on board the USS Ronald Reagan, one sister who is a successful Personal Assistant to the CEO and project manager for one of the best creative services firms in the world with several very well known and world renowned clients, one brother who is a director of development for a museum in Connecticut, and one brother who no one seems to be able to track down. In all, I sometimes feel black sheepish.

The irony of that is the fact that I was always looked at as if I would be the breakout kid from the family. It was never questioned that I'd be successful (whatever that actually means), speaking in front of many and starting something sure to stand the test of time. But, instead I find myself working at a restaurant, selling entertainment services, and still not sure what I want to do with my life at 27 years old. Some might call it a desert, I just call it life right now.

So, where is grace in the midst of this? Grace is in its pursuit . That sounds cyclical and confusing, I know- let me explain. These past several years have taught me to appreciate the smaller things and ways God chooses to smile on me and to not always look for the most exorbitant expressions of God's favor or His grace. A beautiful day is proof that God is still on the throne, rain while driving with my top down is proof that God still has a sense of humor, and the girl God has placed in my life is a sure sign that we do so often get what we don't deserve. Though I am still very much in pursuit of purpose, the fact that I have the wherewithal to be in that pursuit is a regular expression of God's grace, strength, and joy to me. I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me, or what I'll do 5 weeks from now, but somehow that is strangely liberating. It gives me the ability to really grab ahold of the scripture that tells me to not worry about tomorrow because it will take care of itself. And though sometimes it doesn't seem as if tomorrow is taking care of itself there is still the peace in seeing God's faithfulness when I think it shouldn't be there. It is very easy to get lost in the idea that success is measured by status and what we do, but the ability to see God's hand at work is more a sign of success than any accolade I could achieve or any career path I could follow because it hopefully means that others are being touched along the way, and that is ultimately what it's all about.

Happy Thanksgiving folks. I hope that made sense to people besides me.

Burning Grace

2008-11-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

There is a line in the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry where the two fire fighters say to each other on the way into a burning building, "Going in alive and coming out the same." I love that line!

Today, after almost 3 weeks without a legitimate fire call (there were medical and other calls), our department got paged out to a structure fire. Being in a small town (322 people to be exact) and it being the middle of the work day during the week, there was only a captain and myself that originally responded to that structure fire.

The bunker gear was on, the sirens were blaring, and I was somewhere deep in my mind repeating that line...o.k. God, going in alive and coming out the same. It is a little culturally relevant prayer ritual that has become standard in my approaches to these very serious fires.

The captain and I were the first on the scene, but because there were only two of us we could not mount an interior attack on the fire. So we dropped a 1.5" line and began to protect the exposure of the house and fight the fire that had crept into the roof (a trash fire had burned a shed to the ground and had started the house on fire).

We had put 500 gallons of water on the fire when the hose began to drizzle and an engine arrived with another 500 gallons from another department. One truck got hooked up to the other and we continued pumping. When that truck was out, it went back to the station to get more water (in the mean time, the captain had been paging out for additional personnel and water). Well into our endeavors, other trucks and departments started showing up. I moved from the engine to a grass rig to get the fire under control in the surrounding wooded area, then returned to the engine that had been filled once again to put more water on the house and begin to eliminate the remaining hot spots.

Additional personnel showed up all through the second hour and they mounted an inside attack and a roof attack. Within the next 30 minutes the crews were doing overhaul and I was off the front lines after over 2 hours of fire fighting (except for a very brief earlier break where I had a bottle of water and tweeted---mainly to let my wife in California know that I was alright).

Maybe it is a bit naive on my part (or quirky, or idealistic), but today God's grace was a burning grace where we went in alive and came back the same!

This fire was more than 10 miles from our nearest station and there was no loss of life, no injury (fire fighter nor resident), and while the shed next to the house burned to the ground, more than 70% of the house was saved (the bedroom that caught first from the shed was toast---as was the roof above it, but save some smoke and water damage, the living, dining, kitchen, and master bed and bath areas were saved). Insurance may or may not agree with our success, but we chalk this one up as a win...and just for today, I am grateful for that burning grace!

Grace for Church Leaders

2008-11-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes being a pastor is not all it is cracked up to be. We get the opportunity to see people at their very best and at their very worst. Likewise, we live in fish bowls where others get to see our very best and very worst (especially when the parsonage - preacher's house) is in the church parking lot!

There are hours, days, weeks and even months sometimes that are trying and frustrating, when it can appear that nothing good is coming from your work. Our church is currently going through such a time. We have reorganized the leadership of the church, rewritten our mission, vision and core values. We have sought to live into our relationship with Jesus and in that process have encountered resistance to some of the changes.

Some days feel like I am running into a brick wall with nothing to show for our efforts but bruises and scratches. And it is in those places that grace shows up in the strangest ways.

The other evening was just such an occasion. We had just finished an evangelism meeting and the chair came up to me and told me that she was going to miss me when I was gone (the Methodist church moves their pastors around and I will most likely be moving in June)...she continued to tell me that I am ornery, passionate, and energetic and that I have been exactly what this congregation has needed (you take those to mean what you think, I take them as very high complements). These words are a great comfort...especially after times for people questioning vision and direction of the church.

I say all this to say that grace isn't just a one time saving event. Often in my life the grace that sustains me...the grace that gives me the perseverance and strength to go on...comes from the people that God places in my life (even if only for a moment).

How has God used people in your life to reveal grace?

Lunch

2008-11-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know that any of this will make sense...you have been warned. lalb (laughing a little bit)

Grace for me - today - is a grilled chicken caesar salad and an iced caramel latte, extra sweet with whipped cream.

What I mean is, grace is given to me in the form of free time I have to passively do things I like while actively thinking about things I don't understand.

Seminary is trying to rip me ya'll. Not even nicely or neatly - like in halves or something manageable like that. Seminary is trying to gruesomely dismember me with the intent of making my entrance into heaven questionable - like into so many misshapen pieces that God won't recognize me. Sorry if that's graphic...I was a Frank Miller fan in a former chapter of my life (a really short chapter though, so you can read the rest of the blog with no worries).

But this is why I went, right? To be challenged? Accursed masochistic tendencies!!! I'm having a lot of things trimmed away and I find myself struggling to hold on to the 1 or 2 essential immovable objects of my faith. I feel a little pathetic at times - beaten, even traitorous - that of all the things I've been told over the course of my Christian life, I cannot state them ALL with confidence and conviction.

Let me not give school that much authority...if it were all that I had to do, I would kick its tail in all manner of ways that are unbecoming for a Christian to detail aka the sort that would make Frank Miller fans shudder. It's really just the focal point of a web of influences that are stretching and prodding me. 25, pastor, Black man, dating, man of the house, example, and all around "it" guy. I mean, I have communities watching me to see what I will become...people that need me to be okay in order for them to be...and young folks who only have one more time in their heart to be let down by a leader, and I'm it. It's a whole 'nother ball game to HAVE to learn to give things to God because there's no other choice - when there are words of struggle and uncertainty that could never pass from my lips to the ears of people around me, who need me to be something solid.

So now we come back to seminary, the fortunate beast that gets to battle me in a weakened and distracted state. If it wins, I become more uncertain, and so discouraged that I'll never become what my community needs. But if I am to win, I've got to forsake some of my responsibilities to the community right now - not stretch myself as thin - for the purpose of maintaining focus and faith. My 1 or 2 essentials of faith have proven themselves incredibly powerful, able to fend off unsound doctrines and the sheer bully tactics of groupthink, so it's really a matter of pressing on and adding more essentials to my arsenal without losing the communities I'm doing all of this to, one day, be able to serve.

So, in all of these things to consider, it's my inability to turn my day off and THINK that has me all frazzled. So, for me to be at my wit's end and to be gifted with a rainy New York Thursday afternoon where I can sip an iced latte and munch on chicken, lettuce and croutons - that's my evidence of a personal savior who knows exactly what my soul is craving. I guess I'm done now. Ciao.

Initial Thoughts - Part II

2008-11-12T19:49:00.001-08:00

...spoiler alert...If you have not yet read part one, I would invite you to wait to read this until you have read the first installment!...

I want to take the last moments that I have to tell you about today.

Let me ask you a question, who do you see in front of you? Is it a man that has succeeded? Is it a gifted teacher? Is it a decent speaker? Is it someone that you can, would or do call friend? Is it your brother? Is it a member of your family? Who is it that stands in front of you today?

The man that stands in front of you today is a man by the name of Russell Hall. And it is only in recent years that this person could be considered a man at all. You ask yourself if there is still grace for me…you ask if there is enough mercy to go around…you ask if there is enough grace not just to save but is there enough to sustain…even when I am at my lowest of lows? I am here to tell you emphatically yes!

Let me give you a few of the highlights of a life that is bathed in mercy and grace. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict…I am a recovering criminal…in some ways I am still recovering from my first marriage…I have recovered from being unemployable…I am daily recovering from my own pride and arrogance.

I was born in November of 1969 into a rough and sordid situation. I spent several of the first years of my life living with my grandparents in Ohio. I was sent to church with some regularity until I was given the decision on whether or not I wanted to go anymore. Since I had already started drinking and smoking pot, I figured I had better things to do on Sunday mornings than going to church. I drank alcoholically and used addictively from the word go. I left home at an early age and wouldn’t return for over a decade. At 17, I showed up to the local bus barn drunk and unable to go to the competition that I was scheduled to go to…that event cost me a four year full ride scholarship to a college of my choice. The years to come would find me in and out of jails and institutions for everything from shoplifting and hot check writing to, public intoxication and traffic violations and more. I have seen the inside of both the new and the old county jails. I have seen the inside of the cells at the U.S. Marshall’s facility and an FBI facility here in Houston. I have been a guest at the majority of the city jails including those at West Side Command, downtown, and Mykawa. I know what it is like to be hospitalized, to go through charcoal treatments and stomach pumpings. I know what it is like to live in unpowered and unwatered shacks in the middle of the wards. I know what it is like to live on the run. In spite of all of these things, I also know what it is like to succeed by the world’s definition. Though I always brought the house of cards back down around me, I always seemed to find ways to get it re-erected. I have survived car wrecks, fights and life, when many times I shouldn’t have. I have violated my moral, social, ethical and spiritual integrity in more ways than I care to recount.

Yet I stand here today and invite you to examine the Gospel Truth…I stand here today and invite you into a life of grace and mercy. What does my story have to do with God and his promise of mercy and grace through Christ? I’ll tell you. On Easter Sunday, 1998 I rededicated my life to Christ. Having never been baptized in my youth, I took a second step and was baptized a few months later. The last decade of my life has been a trip to say the very least. By God’s grace I have been clean and sober since June 5th of 1997. In the fall of 1999, I had completed all of my required obligations and was released from state observation. Two months later, I was finally off of federal paper…my time had been served. I began to get really plugged into my home church and discovered that God had placed some very special gifts in me. I have been blessed to teach and work with thousands of people both in and out of recovery and in and out of church over the last decade. At the ripe old age of 30, feeling a call into ordained ministry, I decided that it was time for me to get that college education I had lost 13 years earlier. God placed in my life a man and an organization that has help pay for my last eight years of college…giving me back the scholarship I had thrown away years before, plus much, much more. After sobering up and losing my good paying job and then being unemployed for several months, God has provided continuous employment for almost a decade. After a failed marriage and numerous other failed relationships, God has blessed me with a Godly and beautiful wife that encompasses everything I ever wanted, yet never knew to ask for. After showing up more than 10 years ago weighing in at 118 pounds when I entered treatment, I am now healthier than I have probably been in a long while and have gained 64 pounds. After frying my septum and much of my brain (so I thought), God has blessed me with the ability to still hold my own in school. After losing everything more times than I can count, my wife and I have a home and a family and everything that we need. After almost 15 years of separation from my step dad, we now have a relationship that we always wanted, but couldn’t seem to develop when I was younger. Instead of a family of origin, God has blessed me with a family of choice. Where once I had marks I now have friends. Where once I had utility, I now have love.

None of this happened with out the grace and mercy of God. By all accounts I should have received death, but God had mercy on me, a sinner. By all accounts I should have been lost, but God relentlessly pursued me to the ends of the earth.

I tell you this because God is still God. He is still in the business of grace and mercy. There is enough grace and mercy not only to save, but also to sustain. The Gospel is the same for each of us today as it was for the adulterous woman long ago. And that is the Gospel Truth!

I share all this with you because this is the way that God has shown me just how scandalous mercy and grace are. I share all this (here and with those I minister to) because I once heard my story in someone else's and once found hope for mercy and grace in my life by witnessing God's mercy and grace at work in others. I share this because my experience with God is the only authority I have to witness to others. I share this because it is imperative for my own authenticity and integrity.

I hope and pray that in sharing this with you, I have somehow opened a door for authentic conversations, searching with integrity, and radical transformation. I look forward to this journey together as we seek mercy and grace in the most unexpected places.

Thanks D-Man for the opportunity and the privilege!

Shalom,

Russell