My Diary

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 04:55:00 +0000

Pain is gone and bruises will disappear too within few days. But the soul has deep wounds with permanent scars. A part of me has stopped loving him.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 06:49:00 +0000

The most painful feeling is the sense of solitude. I don't know whether I am suffering from PMS or its due to the side effects of prolactin-controlling medicine I am taking since two weeks. This mental agony is just too unbearable. When your family or friends are not around to console you and the only person whom you are fully dependent both emotionally and financially seem to have other priorities, then you just want to kill yourself. What he fails to understand that unlike other people I don't have mother, father, brother or sister to cheer me. Fortunately or unfortunately, I only have you so I want you to be more considerate. But its the irony of fate that the only person who makes you happy has the power to make you the saddest person on earth.

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side.

I wait for you.

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

With or without you.

Through the storm, we reach the shore

You gave it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you.

I can't live with or without you.

And you give yourself away

And you give, and you give

And you give yourself away.

My hands are tied, my body bruised

She´s got me with nothing to win

And nothing left to lose.

And you give yourself away

And you give, and you give

And you give yourself away.

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you.

(U2)

Kitchen Insanity!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 04:43:00 +0000

These days I am trying my luck in kitchen as I am told that a woman is not considered worthy unless she has mastered the art of cooking. Education and intellect are useless if she can't cook dozens of mouth-watering dishes which her parivaar can savour. One must be thinking with millions of recipes and videos online, plus dozens of cooking channels, it shouldn't be a tough task. But it is, actually! Mother in-laws, control freaks and egoistic like mine, don't like competent daughter in-laws. Kitchen is their kingdom... a forbidden kingdom! And they guard it like anything.

Like a warrior, you have to besiege the fortress. Entering and using her things (yes, everything belongs to her though you pay heavily for everything thru verbal and financial abuse) without invoking her wrath is the first milestone. Once she has stopped making fuss about that you can proceed.

Here comes the battlefield now. She will not tell or guide you but whatever you cook will be critically assessed. If it is not good which of course, happens in the beginning, be prepared for the humiliation you and your family will be facing. And if it turns out to be good and tasty, there will be more faults. And if you dare try something new, time for the backlash! Oh, tomatoes are not used in this dish, or I am sure you didn't use ginger garlic paste in that. Oh, you waste things too much. Oh, why did you hold knife like that? Dayem!

And the most typical statement you hear: hamare yehan to aisa nahi pakta (we don't eat that)... liar!!! She does try all new dishes and will even try your recipes too.

So, I am struggling and juggling my way around the kitchen while reciting verse 13 from Surah Saaf: نَصْرٌ مِّن اللَّهِ وَفَتْحٌ قَرِيبٌ Help from Allah and a near victory.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 04:39:00 +0000

Now, I am done wid editing blogger template. I miss old me. Yesterday, was hubby's birthday. So, it was a family, we all went out for dinner and that was it. And four days before, on 24 june, it was our second wedding anniversary but as since zee was burdened wid office work even on friday as well, so the day passed quietly. Yes, zee took me to office for a morning drive. His office is about two hours drive from home. So, we headed early at 5:30 a.m. The office is located at a deserted place. Endless sand dunes on both sides and among living species there were camels and few cameleers and yes, I saw white camels too and the cross-bred brown and white. I took pics from my cellphone so they aren't much clear but you can see faint images of white camels.

Camels do cross road and you have to pull over immediately to let them pass. One has to be really careful while driving here.

Click this image and you'll see camels grazing on few grass they found.

Hubby, serious and nervous as the camel crosses the road.

Enlarge the image and you'll see white camels.

Shining sun and glittering sand. A work of Nature's wand!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 04:53:00 +0000

Yes, after this long hiatus I am back to blogger and I intend to be regular. Its that life after marriage had been quite turbulent. It took quite a while to gather myself. I will mention past events in my coming posts as I get out of this writer's block.

Anyway, for starting, today I went to watch this movie Super 8 at the cinema. My activities here are limited. I can roam in malls, window shopping or occasionally, buy a thing or two or I can go to seaside. Cinema-going is one of my favourite activities. Sometimes, we go to family cafes where my hubby-chubby smokes sheesha while I chatter. :).

Well, am done wid today's rant. I have to work on my template. My love for my first template is quite deep-rooted and that's why I haven't been able to settle down wid newer ones. Let's hope I start getting comfortable wid this one.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 04:11:00 +0000

The times when uncertainty impedes your growth spiritually. This is what happening with me right now. I have taken a decision and I have to stand by it which is the toughest part. Waiting for Fate to announce its judgement where I rest my case. Anyway, I was playing this Traveler IQ Challenge game on Facebook and managed to score an IQ of 93. Wow! This explains that my brain is still in working condition. Besides, I am reading this post our deadline-driven culture... seems interesting. Do go thru it.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 10:15:00 +0000

Dear God, for how long will you keep testing my patience?

Today's Quote

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 07:29:00 +0000

Patience shall be my song!

- Sir Thomas Wyatt

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 04:37:00 +0000

They did it again. Everything they say or do has a purpose to hurt me. My friends tell me to ignore and be patient. They are right, patience is something I am losing. I have no one to turn to except God. Not even my parents, not you dear.

Why did it take me too long to realize that? I am the kind that always learn it the hard way!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:29:00 +0000

This is something I wrote years ago about the plight of a woman in Pakistan and India. I had never realized that one day I'll feel related to this poem. Thank you in-laws! There is no place for you or your off-springs in my heart. And yes, I believe in karma!

Here it goes. (Some lines have been changed to reflect my state-of-affairs).

Lying next to him
with a bruised heart
with dreams all broken
that's how she had to start

carrying her battered self
carefully stepping on broken dreams
holding on to her crumbling hopes
drowning within her salty screams

he couldn't see thru her
the fate has its own strange ways
she kept bleeding inside
and it went on for days and days

she – his pretty little angel
who he possessed her fully and whole
he had her in his arms
and her withering soul

enclosed in a coffin
and as the death-bells chime
she bid herself good bye
and felt alive for the first time!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:53:00 +0000

Early days of marital bliss. You can see the glow which has faded away with time.

My life, my pride, has been broken.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 06:39:00 +0000

Working on my blog template after ages! Seriously, it sucks! Seems like my brain has stopped functioning in a logical way after marriage. The html appears to be an array of bizarre words swirling around my brain. No wonder, women lose their wis-dumb after marriage.

And yes, I am down with flu, thanks to this humidity outside and freezing temperature inside (I so hate centrally air-conditioned houses). By the way, this article about President Zaradri's

wis-dumb is really funny. Do go thru it :).

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 03:27:00 +0000

My Lord! Truly, I am in need of whatever good You bestow on me.

- Surah Al-Qasas, verse 24

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 07:05:00 +0000

With all the insanity going around, in my country and in my house, I have finally found something to be happy about: LGS girls win NASA competition! A statement from the school administration reads:

"The success marks a triumph for Pakistan, and particularly for women who rarely get an opportunity to excel in spheres involving science and advanced technology. It also demonstrates the potential of Pakistani youth, and offers hope at a time when the nation faces many crises.”

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 07:47:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 20:45:00 +0000

The volcano is silent now till the next eruption. The lava has pacified to some extent. Fumes still linger in the atmosphere but they will disappear too with time. But the damage has been done. The lacuna has widened. Time will drop some sand over but the void would never be filled completely because after every volcanic activity, the gap keeps widening.

Unfortunately, yesterday my husband discovered my recent blog posts (the copy I made in ms word). As expected, he didn't like slashing his mother. I told him that there should be some way to went out my anger and I found this very therapeutic. Besides, he didn't like the last three lines of my previous post. Of course, the idea of moving out scares him. It's not his fault. He is a product of a very typical-conservative-influenced-by-Hindu-culture Pakistani society. Here you are not allowed to think outside the box. You are not allowed to have your own perspective. Speaking one's mind is considered blasphemy. My religion gives me right to demand for a separate home, to make my own decisions (of course, with my husband's consent but not like k mommy mana kareingi or hamarey yehan aisa nahin hota) and to strive to cultivate my faculties and for my financial independence. Had my mother-in-law been normal, I wouldn't have thought about that. But I am grateful that he is supportive. He stands by me whenever my in-laws try to slash me. And that's why I am able to bear all this. He thinks moving out will create more distances. What he doesn't realize that though physically close, we are separated by the distance of miles. Only time will tell him that. I just hope I will be around to see that because yester night I prayed to God to make sure mine and my family's life gets over soon and together; since they won't be able to live without me. As for my husband, he has his family to care of him!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 05:49:00 +0000

Just when things couldn't get worse, there was a verbal warfare today at house. Fire broke the ice. Fragments of thoughts and suppressed feelings of anger and hatred erupted in the form of verbal assaults. Of course, I was the focal point of the collective rage. Whatever I had uttered in the past, the words and statements were morphed and presented as ugly string of characters. Also, the things I had never said or did were attributed to me. Life is not easy here. You have to think twice before even breathing. Everything is analyzed with a twisted angle. I believe when going gets tough one shouldn't be going together. Time and distance together heal the wounds. They just don't understand that! I so wish we move out soon. I desperately need a peace of mind lest I rest in peace.

Nine days to my birthday, what a start!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 07:59:00 +0000

I was surfing the channels and came across repeat telecast of Shahista's morning programme. It was the set that made me halt because it was designed by IRIS, one of my favourite wedding designers and planners. The programme was dedicated to mothers with Amir Liaquat Hussain as main guest while real-life mothers were also invited who had extra ordinary stories to tell about courage and struggle. While watching the programme and after, I realized I never really thanked God for blessing me with such a great mother and how often I took her for granted. Amir Liaquat's regret was that he didn't get chance to spend time with her mother when she was alive as work kept him busy mostly. As I reflect upon it I do regret too for not spending much time with her, to listen to her. My mother is alive Allhamdulliah, but now that I live far away, and not even allowed to call her daily, I am coming down with a guilty pang. How often have we thought that when we'll wake up next morning, this mother figure won't be present to grace us?

My studies and work kept me busy; she was there with me all the time listening to my craps and it never occurred to me to listen to her as well. She had been thru a lot and there were times when I blamed her for not being strong, for not standing up for her and thus, making me suffer as well. Now I am in her shoes, I have realized how difficult it is. There have been times when I have to be silent in spite of being wronged and the times when I stood up I had to pay a heavy price.

Even during my trip to Pak in February, I couldn't spend time with her. There were my friends and colleagues, my husband's friends and colleagues, distant in-laws, distant relatives, then picnics, parties, lunches, dinners, shopping and some troubles (my mother in law didn't let us live peacefully there too). Amidst these I didn't get chance to stay at my place for more than few hours. She was sad but never mentioned.

Tonight I prayed and thanked Him for His greatest blessing and implored to forgive me for being so thankless. Please God, give me chance to spend more time with her and grant her health, happiness and long life. Ameen!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 10:29:00 +0000

A blog with a good food for thought:

http://www.marcandangel.com/

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:27:00 +0000

I had discovered the meaning of the term 'peace of mind' in real essence when my mother-in-law left for

Pakistan

for 17 days. When she was leaving she had this thing in mind that I won't be able to handle the responsibilities of the house and she'll be able to follow her bashing-educated-university-girls agenda and in turn make my husband realize what a pathetic good-for-nothing soul his better half is. To her utter disappointment it didn't happen! Now you can expect how this woman with an ego much bigger and bloated than her size and form (she measures four feet and weighs 74 kg) would react. Yeah, she is on a fault finding mission these days, playing blame games and missing no chance to snub me.

P.S. A moment of silence for those who lost their lives in airplane crash and prayers for the departed souls. May, Allah bless them, Ameen!

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 08:57:00 +0000

To all those ignorant women who have made my life miserable especially you sis-in-law:

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 08:51:00 +0000

"There's a world I've always known

Somewhere far away from home.

When I close my eyes I see

All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.

Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.

At the edge of the ocean

We can start over again..."

‎- Edge of the ocean by Ivy

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 20:29:00 +0000

No matter what I do, they will never appreciate me.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:27:00 +0000

I am just not happy but I think I should start expecting worse from people, in fact I shouldn't expect anything at all - just be passive. There's no such thing as perfect marriage, I just learnt that in a year. It's like I am living with a family that is not mine and never will be, they are keeping me because my husband pays them a handsome amount and their expensive lifestyle cannot afford to lose that.

noreply@blogger.com (xunz) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 10:31:00 +0000

I am reading Shelley these days and his poems are so naturally linked to human emotions. Check this one:

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle—
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea—
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?"

— Percy Bysshe Shelley