MY LIFE

My afterNOON

2011-11-21T20:00:00.000+11:00

How to spend a nice afterNOON

The mind is a beautiful thing

2011-11-05T13:40:00.002+11:00

THIS IS MY STORY AND HOW I REMEMBERED IT

To understand my life we must start from when i can remember.

They say that the mind is a beautiful thing and when a child experience a tragic event in their life the mind will block out a lot of events in order to deal with it.

Now here's my story

I was born in 1984 to a loving family of four, my parents and two brothers, my parents had been together since they first meet in school. They had my oldest brother when they were both 19 and hes 14 years older then me. When he was born my mother loved him so much he was her world and nothing he did was ever wrong. I would hear stories from my aunties telling me of how he would get what ever he wanted because he was her baby. And how he would run up and down the road terrorizing this old lady then she would ring up my parents yelling about this little boy yelling and screaming past her house. Then 12 years later they had by next brother and my oldest brother was happy to be a big brother but not so happy to share his mum. After having my brothers my mum wanted a little girl and 2 years later she was blissed with me, followed by another girl and 2 years later my beautiful baby sister was born. Making her the last to be born into my family

Now I don't have many memories of my mum just little bits that come and go every now and then i was only seven when she passed away.

Remember the mind is a beautiful thing

I remember

What i can remember about her is how much she loved us even when she was sick in bed. I remember there been a big earthquake one day my sister and i were playing outside in my dads old van, pretending we were going for a drive i remember how much the van was shaking we thought it was my dad and brother behind pushing us. We realised it wasn't my dad or brother pushing us so we got out. I remember getting out to see what was happening only to hear my mum yelling so we all went inside and seen her running around the house trying to stop all her ornaments from falling off the walls and smashing. Ha ha ha i also remember our home toilet watching my mum putting heaps of naked pictures of ladies all over the walls, don't ask me why she did that because no one knows. Then to the days when you would see her lying in bed for days and not knowing why, or her asking me to walk to the shop (now the shop was a 10 minute walk for an adult longer for a child but it never felt that way) to buy her some panadol's (painkillers) because she had a head ache. I remember how she would give me extra money to buy me something little for myself, then getting home and asking me if i got me something i would show her my bag of lollies and telling me to go eat them in the other room so the other kids didn't know. Then looking out the bedroom window watching my brothers pushing my sister in the pram. I remember my aunties and nanny been around all the time looking after her and not knowing why. I remember one time my mum had asked me to ask my dad for a smoke and how mad he was when i asked him. He was just sitting outside on the door step having a smoke looking so sad. I remember HER been there talking to my dad while my mum was in bed saying "she needs help" but how mad he got at HER. I still to this day remember how sad and how mad he was.

Then one day she was gone i was told they took her to wellington hospital "Who took her". I didn't know why she was taken it was all a big secret, we were never told what had happened to my mum we never went to see her in hospital.

Then one day i remember going to my uncles house and my brother was there, i was so happy to see him because my mum had sent him away to live with her brother. He had mixed in with the wrong crowd and started taking things from home that's when my dad started beating him real bad. So she did what a mother had to do to save her child and i give her full respect for what she had done. It was a very hard life for him he was told he was going on a holiday and that he was starting a new school because the old one was on holiday that hurt him real bad. He played up real bad to the point my uncle had to sit in the classes with him. When he knew the truth about why he was sent away he tells me even to this day with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes "I'm still waiting to come home my sister".

Lies Upon Lies

I remember seeing my brother just sitting in the chair looking sad i didn't know why till he told us "Mums dead". They told him to be quiet "Mummies dead'?? "what does that mean and wheres daddy" everything will be OK they say. More secrets more lies "Where is my mummy"

I don't remember much from then on i do remember been at home and there been heaps of people, lots of new faces i had never seen before. I remember playing with my cousin and telling them to get out of my room but our rooms were all packed with all the living room things. I still didn't know what was going on but i watched when the men pulled the sliding doors out. And i remember hearing people talking with my dad "So how is she getting back". ha ha ha my dad laughs "On the back of my Ute". Yay mummies coming home i think to myself. But when they did arrive every body was yelling "She's here." "Their here." And everybody moving to the side of the house I cant remember how she got back home I'm trying real hard but i dont know. I just remember seeing her asleep in the middle of the sitting room sleeping They say the mind is a beautiful thing

Her long trip home

I only remember little bits and pieces from her tangi ( funeral) i don't remember the drive up there but i can remember my cousin taking out his caravan to the marae (a Maori meeting house) the ride out to the marae only because he said we could ride in the caravan while he drove it out i also remember the door swinging out and been so scared. I remember been at the marea and the bridge house where all my aunties fussed over us making new cloths doing our hair i remember my cousin taking us kids to the beach to play. Then to been allowed to sit out back with my older brother an cousin's while they prepared the sea food and eat with them.

Then the saddest memorie i can remember was sitting by my mum looking at her in her coffin and watching my sister say "Come on mummy wake up its time for you to come home now".... "Wake up mummy please"..... "Please wake up". I then realised my mummy was not coming home with us I just cried an cried and cried till i was told to be quiet by my dad i don't remember them taking her away to the cemetery and burying her.

"WHY DID MY MUMMY DIE" because she was sick they say

Dealing with the loss

2011-11-04T20:31:00.002+11:00

DIVIDED
After losing my mum my family was slit up

my older brother had his own family and his first baby was due to be born in a few months of losing my mum a grand child my mother was looking forwards too. My other brother was still living with my uncle, we never seen him for years after she died my sister and i stayed with my dad and my baby sister had been with her god parents before my mum even went into hospital we also never seen her for a long time.
You see my mum was so sick she couldn't look after my baby sister or me and my other sister.

WAS IT HER DID SHE COME BACK
This is when everything is all mixed up for me and to this day I'm still trying to figure it all out to piece it together.

Now my dad was never around after we lost my mum he was always out.

One night we had some babysitters looking after us while my dad had gone out drinking, we were left with babysitters we loved and knew since i could remember. They made us laugh, played games when it got late we had started to hear things and it made us all scared. But they just laughed it off and carried on playing as if nothing had happened they made us feel safe. And when it was time for bed we had to walk down the hallway i remember how scared we all were, so we armed ourselves with anything we would, a long glass bottles was one i could remember. Walking down the hallway slowly looking out for something that might jump out in front of us in the dark but nothing. Once we had got to the room my sister and i got ready for bed our babysitters tried to laugh things off but we could tell they were both scared too. They then told us a bed time story but half way through the story we heard and seen something in the hallway, which made us all yell i remember looking at our babysitters for comfort but the look in their eyes showed just how scared they both were. I cant remember falling asleep but when morning came my dad was angry yelling this and that i didn't know wh. Until i over heard him say that when he got home our babysitters were gone. They were no where to be seen he had called his friend who was the father of them but he hadn't seen either of them. I later found out that the girls had seen what looked like my mum floating up and down the hallway they had ran home, one girl had locked herself in the shed and the other had hid behind a couch and didn't want to come out. But for me even now i struggle with one thing was it a dream or did i also see my mum standing in the hall door looking so beautiful in her green dress and at peace. I guess I'll never know but

From then on we were Known as that haunted house.

CHANGES

2011-11-03T18:45:00.002+11:00

For as far back as i could remember SHE was always around us but i never knew why.

My sister and i were shut out from what was going on with my dad, i cant remember how or when this happened. When HER and my dad got together i do remember going to my uncles house where SHE lived, and watching out a small window watching him packing his bags, then throwing them into his car yelling and screaming out at HER words words and lots more,then smashing up the house before he left. I remember HER asking me whether i wanted another baby brother or sister. And how SHE would ask if we wanted a new mummy. Those days are all mixed up and blurred together but from then on we were back an forward from HER house to ours, things happened so fast and so soon after losing my mum

After school surprise

I remember coming home from school one day walking into our house and they were their packing up my mothers house up. HER and HER DAUGHTER were in our house touching our things, Looking through my things! throwing out whatever they didn't want in their house. That was the day i lost alot of my mums things alot of my childhood memories.

When we first moved into HER house things were alot different from what i was use to, we had to ask for a drink and use certain cups we were not allowed to touch HER glasses. We weren't allowed to eat when we got hungry we had to wait till we were told we could eat. I missed my mum so much i just wanted to go back home, my sister and i were forced to share a bedroom and a bed, we never had much just a bed, draws with a few clothes nothing of our mums.I felt so alone like their was no one their for me my daddy was off doing his own thing with his new family we were just in his way. We never got along with HER or HER DAUGHTER so he had us sent away to a health camp for months because my sister had yelled at HER "YOUR NOT MY MUM". So the health camp became my second home from when i was 7 right up till i was 9, My first night their i was scared, i had never been away from home without my dad, i just cried and cried all i wanted was my daddy to come back and get me "I'm sorry I'll be good, please daddy". I write him a letter can you please come visit me i miss you but no reply and no visit from him. In the end i loved it there, i finally had adults their that wanted to give me attention take me out ,we did awesome things from hiking to arts, crafts, cooking, camping, spot lighting, bmx riding and then to tucking me in bed and reading us bedtime stories. I still had to go to school and i loved going to school it was alot of fun i learnt heaps made heaps of new friends the teachers were so friendly that every year i went back they were happy to see me Ha ha ha the health camp was the place i first got a boyfriend, i remember the boys and girl dorms were watching a movie in the dark in the big games and family room. My friends were saying hold hands so we did the good times, oh the disco they would put on for the whole camp were so much fun just running around dancing holding hands again. Our dorm leader would take us to the costume room where we would pick out what we wanted to wear to the disco, i really loved going their because for a brief moment i forgotten i had lost my mum.

BUT REALITY HIT HARD WHEN IT WAS TIME TO GO HOME

Them fighting

I hated it when they would fight because we were always caught up in the middle of it all, no matter how late it was my dad would wake us up and make us walk back to my mums house every time it got bad between them.

I remember one day they had got into a big fight my dad had got so mad he had told me "Were going" then walking back to my mums house, i cant remember where my sister was i only remember it been me she may have been at camp. But i do remember been at home and my dad just went straight to bed he slept for hours while i just sat there watching him as he slept, then night time came it was so dark and scary i was so scared of every noise. I went into the bedroom by him and just sat there on the floor playing and waiting for him to wake up. But i had got tired so i made myself a bed on the floor out of blankets. I was woken up by my dad but he was so mad i don't know if he was mad with me or with himself .

He looked at me and said "let's go back"

That secret hurt

2011-11-02T01:43:00.002+11:00

Growing up for me and my sister was very hard, we did have some good times but not enough to way up against the bad. When we did things that was wrong we would be punished so bad.

There was this time when i would have been about 7 or 8. I was at school playing in the play ground, when i put my hands into my pants pocket and pulled out a $10 note. I ended up showing some girls at school, who then went and told on me to a teacher. Now i have no idea of how it got in my pocket even to this day i still don't know where it came from. But that teacher then took the money off me, wrote a note gave it me the note to give to my dad, not knowing what the note said i gave it to HER. SHE read it then later that night SHE gave it to my dad. I ended up getting a hiding that night really bad. "Where did you get that money from!!".. BANG.." I don't no it was in my pocket".. .. "Don't you lie to me" ..BANG" .."Who gave you that money"......"No one i found it in my pocket."... BANG.. BANG.. BANG....KNOCK KNOCK there was a knock on the door..."Dont you move."...... "I don't no i don't no" just say any name i tell myself and he'll stop. Ok think of a name what name. Oh no hes coming back.. "Now where did you get that money from"..... " My friend gave it to me"........... BANG... "What friend"..."Luana".."Don't you lie to me"..BANG BANG BANG...."My friend gave it to me"..... "Your Lying to me".... BANG...."OK i put my hand in my pocket and it was in there i don't no how it got there".....BANG BANG BANG BANG.... I don't remember when he stopped i just remember looking out the window and wishing for someone to help me, hoping someone would save me, "Mummy please help me"

SHE was in the house but SHE never stopped him and for that i will never forgive HER

For me that was the first and last time he ever hit me like that, my sister on the other hand a few years later she would have been 10 or 11 he beat her to the point where her bum was black from it, she couldn't even sit down.

All because she didn't want to come back home and live with HER and him, he ended up pulling her out of the house by the hair then beating her real bad when he got her home. All i could do to help her was cuddle her after it and cry with her. The next day at school i watched her trying to sit down on the floor in the school hall, i knew how much pain she was in and that she couldn't sit down. I watched the teachers talking to her then taking her outside i never seen her all day. The school had got involved and called the police who then went through our house they ended up taking my dad down to the police station. Social welfare tried to step in, what alot of good that did they just released my sister back into my dads care and the next day she was gone. Because SHE had my sister sent away, i will always remember what SHE said to my sister. "Do you want your dad to go to jail"....."No"..."Then why did you tell your teacher what happened"..."Because i couldn't sit down it was sore"..."Well now i have to take you to my mums so they don't put him in jail because of YOU"...

And with that she was gone for a few weeks, that was the last time he ever hit us and i love my sister for standing up to both of them.

My sister

2011-11-01T14:01:00.001+11:00

Alot of the time i felt sorry for my sister, because she was 5 when our mum died then had to deal with our family been split up and all of the sudden SHE was their trying to replace our mum. But my sister fought against HER in every way she could and everything that SHE would say, you see my sister is very different from me I'm shy and keep to myself never talk out of place, did what i was told. But my sister was the opposite always said what was on her mind never scared to challenge HER and for a few years of her life my sister thought she was a boy she really did, she would tell me to call her another name a boys name. She would go around school hanging out with the boys "No I'm a boy too see let's go ask my sister" ....."I'm a boy aye"....."Um mm NO your a girl"..... It wasn't till she went to the toilet one day, looked down. Arrrrgggh "Where's my pee pee gone"..."You don't have one because your a girl" From that day on it was clear to her that maybe she wasn't a boy. She was always known as our tomboy she dressed like one acted like one too.

For many years after our mum passed away it was hard for both of us but most hardest for my sister when i was sent away she was left home to deal with HER.

I remember when we were living at HER place my sister got so mad with HER they had a fight and SHE goes "Well if don't want to live here then leave" my sister been so stub born yelled back, "Fine I'm packing my bags and leaving". And she did i watched her pack her bags grab her teddy bear then just walk out the door SHE just watched her with my dad too "No she wont do it she'll come back" they just laughed at her like it was funny or a big game. But my sister was so mad with HER she just kept on walking half way down the road when my dad finally decided to step in and told me to run after her and bring her back.I now understand why she did what she did my mind dealt with the loss of our mum by blocking it all out, but she was left to deal with it by herself.

Who is SHE/HER

2011-10-31T15:09:00.001+11:00

Some of you maybe reading and wondering who SHE/HER is well I'll tell you SHE was my aunty (my mums sister in law) but i never really knew who SHE was till after my mum was dead and buried, that may have sounded cold hearted but that's how it was my mum was gone then SHE just there. Even though HER and my uncle lived just around the corner i still don't recall meeting her till my mums tangi. I remember a time when SHE would come to the house and talk with dad while mum was sick but i still didn't know who SHE was. It was never made clear why SHE was always around home before my mum went to hospital but after mum had died SHE just kept telling us all that SHE was helping my dad deal with the loss helping out with us kids. Yeah right SHE was helping HERSELF to a man that had just lost his wife and best friend. It took many years for us to hear the rumors my nanny (my mums mum) told us stories our cousins told us of things they saw. My nanny had always said SHE was the reason my mum died "SHE killed my daughter she would say" she hated HER from the moment my nanny had meet HER she never liked HER. "That dirty b@#*h" my nanny would always say

One of the stories i was told was when my mum was in hospital sick my nanny, aunties and cousin had walked in on them doing things the house was dark no lights them in the dark but my nanny knew what was going on and what they were doing they got caught. My nanny always said that's why my mum wanted to die she knew what was going on between them.

When HER and my dad got together my uncle left town we never seen him for many years after that come to think of it we never saw my mums family till we were at high school, after what they had both done

After School

2011-10-30T00:42:00.001+11:00

My sister and i had just got home from school one day and everything was gone there was nothing in the house, just a few newspapers and box's over the floor we just looked at each "Whats going on"... "Where is everyone and why are all our things gone". We went looking through the house to check out what else had gone our bed was gone, so was our draw. We look through the kitchen cupboard's emptied

"YAY"... ."We must be moving somewhere", we just looked at each other "Yay" we finally get out of HER house. We were both happy jumping around .."YAY"... we had waited a few hours before they finally came home they never told us we were moving they just carried on packing. We figured things out while they packed and loaded up the car HER daughter on the other hand was the first to tell us she's at least 5 years older then me. She too was always mean to us yelled at us told us she wasn't our sister everything HER mother did to us she made sure she did it too. She did things to me that I'm not prove of, things a little girl should never be subdued, things i am now trying to say out loud to deal with, things that were done to me but the shame of it all will always keep it hidden. I was only little what she did was not right i now know it was wrong the mind is a beautiful thing and it had stayed hidden for a long time.So for me getting out of that house was a relief.

When we finally went to the new house we were so excited the new house was two streets over from HER old house and it was big too. With 2 living areas both with fire places one gas one wood, a conservatory, with a large laundry off it, 2 big bedrooms, a bath room that had a separate bath and shower, 2 toilets the second toilet we called it dads office, 2 large garages and the backyard that was so big, we loved it heaps of room for all of us .We still had to share our bedroom which was ok at least we had our own beds at last, our room had build in draws and a large wardrobe.HER daughters room was a double bedroom with a large bay window facing the road a large mirror on the wall with a build in cupboard she also had a wardrobe.My dads room was smaller then ours it was a single room with large windows we loved this house. But its seemed like the older we got the more SHE took it upon HERSELF to control us, SHE would make us go to bed early while the sun was shining high outside. We were also given chores which we had to do like the dishes,washing folding clothes we didn't mind doing it because my dad would give us pocket money that we used when we went to sports on Saturdays but that soon stopped. Then the groundings started and what a joke that was my dad and HER had stopped us from doing anythings we were never allowed out unless we asked and that was always 21 questions "with who?" "when?" "where?" "I'll ring their parents and make sure? " "you better be home by this time or your grounded". While HER daughter was allowed to run free.

I once had a very good guy friend we did everything together we were very very close he would pick me up on his bike and we would go to touch rugby then he'd drop me back off after our games, but SHE got into my dads ear and that was soon stopped, i don't know why SHE did it nothing was happening between us. Because at that very young age he was we knew he didn't like girls in that way, he was different and that's why we were so close we all knew but his parents and my dad

This new house was just down the road from my mum's house no one had lived in there for a long time people would ask my dad if they could live in the house but he kept saying no. He would get real mad when they kept asking too it wasn't until my brother was having a second baby my dad gave him the house to live in. Which was so good for us to have our older brother so close, because where he use to live was at least a half hour walk down hill, which was good till we had to walk home and up the hill again on a hot day's it would kill us. Now just before the hill was a train track, we use to stop look around then put one coin on each rail then stand on them to set the alarms off. It was alot of fun till the lady that lived near by would come running out of her house yell and screaming at us. But that never stopped us from doing it over and over again

My childhood friend

2011-10-29T19:39:00.002+11:00

When i was younger i had a friend she was my best friend we would do everything together i would run down to her house just because i wanted to play,or take my bike and pick her up we would play all day then when it got late she would walk me half way. We were both the same age but back then our parents never cared what we got up too, because we weren't that far from home and our parents had known each other for a very long time we were all close.

Now me and my best friend would get up to so much trouble we would take the dogs biscuits from my house eat them then go down the road and feed the neighbourhood kids and they loved it till they asked me what type of biscuits they were "Tux wonder dogs", "Oh yuck you gave us dog biscuits". Then to a time when my best friend and i had taken a few things of my mum's and off down the road we went back to her place, but before we had got close to her street a lady came running out of house "Hay!", " What do you have there"? " You better take it back home right now or I'll go tell your mum now hurry up and take that back home now" i then turned to my friend "oh she don't know anything my mum wont care let's just walk around the long way". So we did, we turned around walked right passed my house then around the long way we went. My mum never knew but that may have been because she was so sick in bed.

There was this one time we were at my friends house and one of her older brothers was in his room with a girl, so we climbed up through the linen closet into the bedroom closet and would sit there laughing at him, they weren't doing anything they were just sitting on the bed talking but man did he give us a hiding when he found us. From then on her other brother would climb up through it to spy on him too. I basically lived at her house after my mum died to when SHE came into our life it was my safe home. When i got older her brothers would help us out teach us things they would show us the trail down to the railway tracks, how to walk down the railway tracks, what to do if the train came, they were like another family to me and i was treated like family too.

My best friend was always there for me even when she had bad times in her life like when her mum left her dad she was still there for me. My friend knew what SHE was like because SHE is her aunty, my friends mum is HER sister. My friend would tell me how mean SHE was and how she missed the day's when we would do anything go running around the streets, be home when ever we wanted and not get in trouble for it. She would tell me how much she missed my mum too, just as much as i did she hated what her aunty and what SHE was doing to me and my sister.

We stayed close for a very long time even when i was sent to a different school we were still close, at high school we stayed in contact till she was old enough to go live with her mum in Australia.Then i lost all contact with her for a very long time

The good times

2011-10-28T11:50:00.003+11:00

Some of the good times for me was when we would travel.

We would go to bed early depending on how far we had to go my dad would always wake us up real early to get ready then load the car up and away we would go. Long drives some of them were we would spend in a few hours in the car listening to his old music prince tui teka, Dennis marsh many more then to having them both smoking hard out the window was opened a little but not as if that had done much to let it go out the window they might as well have given us one each because the car was always filled with smoke. It was always good when we stopped fresh air and my dad would stop at McDonald's for lunch then away we go again. I loved traveling and seeing new things going to new places seeing my dads family we never went to visit to visit my mum's family because SHE was never welcomed there again so it was always HER family and my dads we would go and see.

The one other good time was when my dad would teach me how to play netball he would coach me through positions from GS to C WD i was always to short for GK but he still showed me help to play them all.Then when i got older he was teaching me how to umpire a game of touch i already knew how to play because i had been playing it from a young age with friends. When it came to sports my dad was always there for my sister and i he always pushed us to do our best and made sure we were out doing any sports we wanted to do

A new school

2011-10-27T18:32:00.001+11:00

I had come home one day with homework that was way to hard for me to do, so i had to ask my dad for help. He wasn't happy at all with the fact that i couldn't work it out by myself so he looked through it and he too thought it was to hard for my age so he picked up the phone and called a mate of his. It had turned out the homework that i was given was for kids 3 years older then i was. So the next day my sister and i were sent to the school where his mate was the principle at.

Now this school was a small country school it had 2 classrooms one for seniors and the other for the juniors, a library, staff room a toilet block, 1 basketball court, 1 netball court, a small swimming pool, playground and a big paddock for the school to play sports in. I found it very hard at this new school because i was into my art i liked drawing and painting and was big into my sports but once we went to this school, it was too small for any sports team, the arts suppliers were limited so i couldn't do that either. If anything the move from a big school to this little school was worst off for me. As a matter of fact i hated this school it was a 15 minutes drive to and from home so SHE had to pick us up drop us off and if we were having a bad day we couldn't just take off because the school was in the middle of nowhere

The classroom i was in had a mixture of ages ranging from year 8 to year 5 our teacher was also the principle of the school and my dads friend. My first day at this school someones drink went missing and straight away they started blaming us, because we were new and nothing like this had happened before we had arrived. But I was ready to take him on because i knew it wasn't me or my sister but the principle stepped in, It had turned out that one of the little children in the other class had taken i never trusted any of them from then on. Then there was this one girl that had been a nasty little bitch because we were older then she was and before we went there she was the oldest girl and it made her feel special but that never bothered us because my sister and i had each other. The boys were always talking to us wanting to know all about us, they always made us feel welcomed, we hadn't been there long when i had got a boyfriend he was a year older then i was so the next year he was off to high school. I had one more year there before i too was off to high school.

My year there was long and learning the ways of how a country school ran was hard to adjust too the pets days and not having a pet or lamb and calf day no farm animals to show off then to their cross country which was through paddocks that was nothing but mud and sheep droppings, that never bother those farm kids they were use to this stuff, Then i had meet another new girl who came 2 weeks after we did, we became good friends, i would stay at her place on the weekends to get away from HER

This one weekend i stayed at her place we had gone for a long walk out the back of the country we went through some trees, a few paddocks crossed a small river then back up a hill to the road near her place. We had also taken a few beers that were her dads then stashed then on a bank side. So that after our walk we would sit down and have them but because we had gone through a river we went back home to take our wet pants and shoes off then walked back to where we had put the beers. We had just sat down in the long grass opened up the first bottle when a green Ute had driven passed us, he hadn't seen us but we watched him as he had driven into a paddock, just over the bank then reversed his Ute to a Pitt and throw something big into it. As soon as he had done that he looked up an seen us we got so scared threw the bottle into the grass, then took off across the road through the trees then we dropped down watched and waited. This ute came roaring out of the paddock then drive up and down the road slowly. Lucky for us we had gone for a walk earlier that day because we back tracked through the river over the hill all the way to a the nearest house while in the distants we could still see this ute driving up and down the road we had waited awhile in a paddock till they finally gave up and left. We ran as fast are we could back to her house our feet were all cut up and had prickles in them we were so scared we never told anyone we did have a laugh about it later that night.

My baby sister

2011-10-26T20:52:00.002+11:00

Now when my mum had died i was 7 so my baby sister she was 2 she never had any memories of our mum because she was very young and we never had much photo's to get her. After my mum died my baby sister was taken well not really taken but was looked after by her god parents. People my mum trusted to bring her up, they did she was given a better life then one our dad could ever give her.

Now to understand why my mum would give away her baby you need to understand the Maori way or our family way. My mum was brought up in a family of 12 and one her sisters couldn't have any babies, so another sister gave up one of hers daughters so that her sister could be a mummy and another sister did the same. Then as those kids got older one of our cousins couldn't have a baby so my cousin that was given tp my aunty said she would have one for her, but unfortunately she lost him at 8 months so that's how my mums family was they gave everyone that counld be a mum a chance too. The good thing was they knew who their parents were and why they were given to them it was never hidden away we all knew where we were from

So my baby sister went to a loving family one where they didnt have children it wwas just her, i don't have much memories of her but i do have some like this one time when she was a baby she was having a problem doing a poo, she was crying hard out and i remember watching my mum trying to help her and comfort her.

Then i remember seeing her at a family get together they were having a dancing contest with flashing lights, music up loud, but no one got up too dance. Then you see my little baby sister walk out of nowhere and started dancing hard out everybody was clapping yelling GO ______ GO______ GO she then won herself a very big Easter

Then to the time we would get a birthday invitation, my other sister and i walked to her house carrying her present at first we were to scared to walk in but her other family welcomed us in. When ever she had a party they always invited us we were always included her new family they always welcomed my sister and i in. Then i remember this one time her nanny had brought her up to see us but she couldn't stay long she just wanted to drop us some lollies off. Or my babysister dropping off a christmas present and telling us what she got us, "It's a box of biscuits"

And then the sad news that they were moving away we never seen her for a long time after they left but every year we would get invited to her birthday parties and they would come and pick us up then drop us off. And once she learnt how to write we would get heaps of letters and photos from her telling us of how much fun she had at this place that place she had been to alot of cool places, i would write back to her all of the time but i would only send half of them because i would have to steal stamps from HER so i send my letters

My baby sister had a good life one which she was loved and i think my mum would be happy she made a good choice

My oldest brother

2011-10-25T10:19:00.007+11:00

My older brother was 19 when we lost our mum and it hit him real bad because he was mummy little boys. At the time our mum passed away he was living with his girlfriend and they were both expecting their first baby, my mum she was so excited she was so happy, she couldn't wait to be a nanny she even went out and brought a baby's cot for her first moko (Grand child).But sadly my mum never got to meet her she died 3 months before she was born

MY MEMORIES OF MY BROTHER

From when i was little i can remember that my brother had alot of girls that liked him that were always around home, i remember this one time when he had come up home a girl had seen him she really liked him, so she went to look at him through the bathroom window i followed behind her to see what she was doing "Oh ______ here." "Hes here." "oh no he's coming inside close the door." "Quick close the door." She ended up locking us both in the bathroom because she had closed the door real hard, the handle had fallen off on the other side, we had to call out to my dad to come let us out she was so embarrassed she couldn't look at my brother and everyone was laughing at her. Then to a girlfriend he had who was so nice she would come pick me and my sister up to take us out i don't know what happened to her but i missed her for a very long time. The girlfriend he's with now he has been with since i was 5 or 6. Now there is heaps of stories i can tell you about them like a time when they had picked me up and taken me to school in my dads old Holden but for some reason my brother was having trouble driving so his girlfriend. "Oh pull over you knower I'll drive it". He gets out she then drives us the rest of the way.

Now i cant remember if this happened when mum died but i don't remember seeing my brother at home when mum came home and not at the tangi too. But i do remember that his girlfriend was still pregnant so it must of happened when our mum had died. So here's a sad story that still breaks my heart and something that still tears him up inside. My brother was in his car he starts playing with his car radio then pulls it out to play with it and have a further look, a policeman happens to go by and see's him, he then gets arrested and in the mean time our mum had just died and our family was getting ready to take her home. I don't know when he turned up but i do remember my cousins talk ."Where's ______''. "Oh he got arrested." "Fuck why didn't his dad get him out." "Because he's a fucking dick and wont pay to get him out." My cousin then left i didn't see him for awhile but when i did see him next he was with my brother

You know for a very long time i was very angry at my big brother for not taking us away from my dad for letting him hurt us, for allowing our dad to live with HER inn our mum's house. I felt hurt and let down by him. I never really had a close relationship with my brother, but he still did everything he could for us he would pick us up and take us out when he got the chance too. But because he had a small family to look after he was always working to make ends meet. He had helped my sister out alot when were growing up when she was upset she would go to his place she would be there for awhile, it was good for my sister because of HER they still hadn't got on so my brothers place was my sisters safe place.

I now know my brother did want to take us away from my dad, he wanted to look after all of us he didn't want our family split up he wanted us all together. But he just didn't know how too

Alone & Rugged

2011-10-24T18:42:00.001+11:00

A graceful cuddle from mummy

2011-10-23T18:49:00.001+11:00

Nothing means more then a cuddle from your mum

Appendicitis

2011-10-23T11:00:00.002+11:00

I was 12 when it all happened my sister and i and my best friend had decided to go pick some plums which were over the railway tracks in a paddock not so far from my best friends house. We had told HER daughter where we going. "We'll be back later." Been a teenager she said "Yeah yeah just go". So off down the road we went first to my friends house, then down her backyard over their fence through the long grass, and onto the railway tracks we had to walk abit down to the paddock. There were a few trees around so we climbed them to see which had the best plums on. I started to feel abit sick but i just carried on picking the plums, we had stayed there for awhile just filling up our plastic bags laughing, playing till i felt sick again and couldn't sit in the tree any longer. I couldn't even eat the plums so we decided it was time to go home.

The long trip home

Back down the tracks we went through the long grass, over the fence to my friends house we had stopped in to dropped off her bag of plums. Then finally heading back off to our house the trip home for me was torture, i had started to feel real sick the short walk home was now turning into the longest i had ever walked. It felt like the more i walked the harder it got and the furthest away home felt, i had to stop every few minutes to sit down and rest. Everything was spinning i was getting dizzy the was so hot sun i had to sit in the shade to cool down, my sister and best friend would stop with me till i felt better to carry on, but at this point i was just getting worst. The pain in my tummie kept hurting like someone was putting a hot sharp needle through my stomach and pulling the thread out very slowly, we had managed to get two houses down from our house when i dropped down i couldn't walk anymore i was in so much pain i had to stop till i finally had the strength to carry on. I could see my house so i kept telling myself you can do it, homes right there, just get up, my sister had carried on home i think they had had enough because it did take us a long time to get back.

When i finally did get home i went straight to bed and just stayed there when SHE got home SHE was yelling at me. "Well where did you get those plums from." "In a paddock just over the tracks" " Well that's what you get from eating to much plums." Im trying to tell HER its not the plums i didn't eat the plums and not listening to me. Questioning my sister like she knew what was going on with me and assuming it had something to do with the plums so SHE threw them out.

That night was the worst night of my life i couldn't eat or drink, anything i put it would come out faster then i could put in, i couldn't sleep because of the nightmares, by this stage i had thrown up so much it was nothing but green and yellow water coming out. When morning finally did come i was worst then the day before my dad finally came in to check on me when i started crying i couldn't move, the pain now was unbearable, my dad had to carry me to the car he decided i should go see a doctor so in the car we went adn HER, the drive there was so sore every bump i would cry it was so painful, my tummie just kept hurting like Ive never felt before. When we finally got to the doctors my dad carried me in we went straight through to the doctor, he asked me a few questions "When did this start." "Yesterday." " You didn't tell anyone." "Yes i told HER but SHE said it was because of the plums." "Plums." Looking at me puzzled. "And you didn't think to bring her in sooner to get checked out" HER reply: "Well these kids always telling us they feel sick when their not." Hhm "Where does it hurt." "My tummie." "When did you last have a drink." "Um early this morning." "Did it stay down." "No i puked it back up" "Do you no what time that would have been around." "Um someone went to the toilet when i was puking up." HER reply: "That would have been around 3." "Ok I'm going to touch your tummie now tell me where is hurts." AAAARGH STOP." he took one look at me he touched the side of my stomach. "Yes appendicitis you will have to take her to the hospital right now"

Now because the town i lived in was a small country town the big hospital they had there was closed down so if anyone had to go to the hospital the closest one was about an hours drive away

That hour drive i cried the whole way their my dad kept tell me "You'll be ok my baby you'll be ok I'm taking you to the hospital." The doctor had called in a head so as soon as we got in i went straight in, "Is she hair." One of nurses said um then SHE butts in "No she's not." The nurse was only asking that so that if there was any hair around the side of my tummie they would shave the area before the opperation. "Ok now we are going to take you into the theatre your dad will be waiting out here for when you wake up." "Ok." I was so scared the nurses were preping me then in came the surgeon we had a little talk about what he was going to do he showed me where he was going to cut and that he was going to sew me back up again with some very cool stitches that dissovle so that i wouldn't have to come back in to have them taken out, they were all so friendly then one nurse said "Hold onto this breath in and out, now can you count to 10 for me" "1...2.....3...................................................."
i remember waking up and feeling myself shaking then jolting the nurses were around me its ok your just waking up your coming out of it you'll be ok

the doctor had came into the the room to have a talk about the opperation with my dad, told us that if my dad have waited 3 more minutes to bring me in i would have died on the table because as soon as the surgeon had cut me open my appendic had burst that's why it told longer in theatre making sure they got everything

HER reply to that was "Well see that's what happens to you when you cry wolf aye."

I spent a week in hospital and i even had to go to school the hospital school but it was alot of fun all you did was draw pictures and paintings sing songs it was just a big play area really. My dad, sister HER and HER daughter would come visit me everyday but everytime they went home i would miss my dad so much it was so lonely but i did get to eat all the ice cream i wanted