Just yesterday in one of my local Facebook mom groups an article was shared about a restaurant banning anyone under the age of 18. Immediately moms were upset, but I took the opposite approach. I shared that I thought it was a great idea to not allow children at this restaurant. For starters the restaurant is a sushi & sake bar so I can’t really imagine that many 5 year olds would enjoy that. And secondly if you have children you know how difficult it can be to take your kids out to eat and when you do get the chance to leave them at home & take a much needed date night you don’t want the distraction of other kids.

And following on the same kids in restaurant themes I was reading at GOMI {I admit I am a blogger that regularly reads there} and was alerted to “10 Tips For a Good Tip When I Take My Kids Out to Eat”. A lot of the comments were really put off by the list. I wasn’t offended by the list. But I do think differently. I think that I should tip the waiter extra just for having to clean up the mess left by my kids & not necessarily for bringing extra napkins. I don’t think that a waiter should have to constantly have me on their radar & if they don’t want to say hi to my kids so be it, their loss because my kid can say hi in Japanese & my other kid? Well he’s got two dimples. 

This all lead me to one simple thought. Are today’s parents entitled? I know that we get accused of having children & getting out of touch with the world, but sometimes I also think that we feel we should get extra special treatment just because we decided to procreate. Yes, it is very helpful to me & my husband & my boys when people in public recognize that things will take a little bit longer for us, or be messier or be louder in our area & help make allowances for that but I certainly don’t expect it & would not be put off by anyone if we didn’t get any special treatment. We are constantly making excuses for bad behavior or lack of social decency. We all think that our children are wonderful proteges and a few are, but not everyone thinks that. Surprise! Some people don’t like kids & don’t enjoy seeing our adorable pig tailed cutie kicking the back of their seat.

With both of these examples I just have a bad flavor in my mouth. I think that as parents we have to remember we are adults first & foremost.  Not everyone wants to sit & have a business meeting or a date next to our table as we are constantly shouting at our children to not pour the salt out, watch out for the drinks, eat their food, sit down, and stop picking their noses. Yes, kids will be kids and no I’m not saying we should be expected to have little robots sitting at the table or in church or at the movies, ect. What do you think?

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On Saturday I was getting us ready to spend the afternoon at the beach & stumbled across a diary I attempted to keep in 2011/2012. I sat down on the edge of the bed & started reading. I knew that upon opening it I would find some tough feelings because the latter part of 2011 & the beginning of 2012 got a little stressful for us as a couple. I sat & read pages & pages of disappointment upon finding out in October 2011 that I wasn’t pregnant. But obviously that disappointment didn’t last long. But it was the last thing that I wrote that shook me. It was the lyrics to a song by one of my favorite Christian artist Nichole Nordeman. I am. I needed to hear those words that day I wrote it, & I needed to hear them Saturday. 

And when I am weak, unable to speak.

Still I will call you by name.

Oh, Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker.

Hold on to my hand.

And you say

“I am”

See right now I’m weak & I have been unable to speak for a few months now. During the lifetime of my “motherhood club” card I have heard a lot about postpartum depression & knew I didn’t have it with Phoenix but I thought the possibility could exist I that I could with Caspian, which is why I thought about encapsulating my placenta {regretfully I did not do this}. So for the first few months of Caspians life I was on the alert as to how I was feeling & dealing with everything. I think I was rocking things {within moderation}. I had my ups & downs for sure, but nothing that was earth shattering. Things for me didn’t start to go bad until after the first of the year when I joined Weight Watchers to start helping me loose weight. To make a very long weight story skinny, the bottom line is that I have not lost any weight. And no I’m not being that fat girl who’s all “Why am I not skinny?!” while stuffing whopper wrappers under the couch. I am exercising, dieting, & nursing & nothing is happening. I’m sure I can imagine how I’m feeling about myself & what I see in the mirror is wrecking me like Ralph on the inside.

_________________________________________________

I have been trying to write this post now for two weeks just so I could simply tell you. I have postpartum depression but I’m having difficulty coming up with the writeright words. In a nutshell I have been spinning for the last 3/4 months. I wasn’t entirely sure that I had PPD because one, my baby is older now & I thought that this was something that happened in the first few weeks. I also was really skeptical if I had it because I always imagined that those people who suffered from PPD couldn’t bond with their babies or resented them. I feel the exact opposite. My babies are the only things that tether me to this world. Sure sometimes I think “Ahh! What was I thinking!” when its 2 AM and all I hear is screaming, but most days they make me feel whole & like a real person. 

I’m always anxious, always feeling overwhelmed & smacked down by life. Shawn & I have weathered some pretty rough storms in the last 6 1/2 years and I always manage to shake everything off & come up with a plan to right whatever wrongs. But even though the last few months have been stressful they haven’t been out of our ordinary & instead of getting on cute combat boots to kick life in the face all I have been able to do is cry & wring my hands with worry. That isn’t me.

I have greatly neglected Signs of Life & giving you all updates on Caspians but these are the signs of my life right now. I don’t have a treatment plan yet. I’m not sure if medication is the way to go or just riding out the storm and being more aware of me & my feelings is the right path. The last 2 weeks have been a little better because when I feel that wave trying to overtake me I stop & breathe A LOT & say “I won’t let this knock me down, I won’t let this knock me down” or I say to Shawn “I can’t now. I feel like I’m going to blow” and I walk away for a little bit. And for the record he has been really amazing. Even sitting through an almost 3 hour panel on PPD, placenta tinctures & lotus birth talk.

I’m waiting to hear back from my midwife as to what I can & should do about my weight {possible thyroid or hormone issues?} and if I should get some medication, go to therapy or what but I’m trying to take everything one day at a time.

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No matter how hard we yell from our bench at the playground while keeping that one trained eye on our children we mothers always find ourselves defending our position. Whether it be to slip our feet in heels & grab a briefcase handle in the morning or slip our feet in well-worn Converses & grab a sticky hand. We holler & scream that our choices should be respected & honored. Often the ones we are yelling at are ourselves; reassuring our hearts & minds that we are making sound & wise decisions. Sometimes we are yelling {even if just in our head} at the people who are staring at us as we nurse our babies with or without covers. And sometimes, sadly we are yelling at other women, other moms who sit with their noses turned up as we give our best.

By now every one of you has seen every single Sh*T so & so says about so & so videos. Today on my Facebook feed The Birthing Site posted one called Sh*T Mainstream Moms say popped up. Intrigued I clicked & watched. But honestly my mouth dropped in horror as the opening title did a bait & switch, Sh*T Mediocre Moms Say. The basic premise of the video is all the things we mainstream, uh I mean, mediocre inferior barely adequate moms say to the extraordinary superior incomparable crunchy moms.

I don’t consider myself a crunchy parent by any means although if I use this Sh*T Crunchy Mamas Say video as my barometer I may be one, I still would not put myself into that category. Sure I had a home birth, considered eating my placenta {and greatly regret not doing it} I nurse, I sling, I co-sleep(t), and have delayed some vaccines. However, I don’t cloth diaper, never shopped at Whole Foods {accept to buy a NoseFrida & highly overpriced lunch box} I don’t compost, I own a stroller, and often OFTEN feed my children McDonalds, declare a sugary day {ok actually Shawn declares it}, allow more TV than most, and have circumcised both by boys. Laid back or even hybrid parent I am. But mediocre I am NOT.

I have always been a little scared of the Crunchy parents because their message always comes with such haughty authority but I have sat across from some & nodded & listened as I tried to just remember that they are just scared parents like us all fumbling for the right play. But Dear creator of this video, it makes you look like Regina George.

A mediocre mother is Casey Anthony. A mediocre mother is the one that leaves her child in the car to go shopping. A mediocre mother is the mom that stands by as her boyfriend beats her child. A mediocre mom is not the mom who has chosen to place priority on the way her sons treat others rather than if the orange may or may not have pesticides. A mediocre mom is not the mom that proudly bought a crib & used it from day 1. A mediocre mother is not any mom that pours every ounce of her soul & being into a child.

Moms have to fight everyday. We fight with our children, sometimes our spouses, with our skinny jeans, with the package of Oreos, with the laundry & the dishes. We shouldn’t have to also fight with the only other people that can understand our plight. We are doing the best we can. We not good enough moms have also done research, we have also done what we think is best for our brood. Don’t ever think we haven’t.

I watched a Dateline last night about a son who was on trial for killing his mother. As I sat & watched this I was also listening to Caspian cry his little heart out in his bed. We had prolonged sleep training as long as we could but finally decided that enough was enough. In order to be a good mom I need to get sleep so we made the hard decision to let our 9 month old cry. I sat listening to a man on trial for killing his mother & wondered. Did she let him cry it out? Is that why he hated her? Did she not give him organic fruit snacks? Or did she remove his foreskin without asking? Is that why he was so filled with rage? Probably not. It was whatever it was. But my point is this. In the end standing there no one asked him what kind of mother he was raised by. Every morning, night & noon I play the tapes of my parental decisions and wonder if I will be able to look back at the end & feel happy about them. I misjudge, under estimate and over correct. I try & fail & try again. I will never know if I made the right decision until I’m at the very end of life surveying it all & looking at happy, successful, compassionate children & neither will you incomparable crunchy mom.

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Sit back, lock your door & enjoy yourself ladies.

Was it good for you?

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Here is the most important thing to know about my recipes. I am not a Martha Stewart and even if I use a recipe to get started I hardly every stay true to it. I don’t always know how much of something I use & I season to taste with almost everything. Feel free to change any of my measurements. Also I am not a food blogger so my food pictures don’t look that great. But I’m telling you this was good. 

In a wok or large frying pan cook garlic, ginger, & pork in the oil for about 5 minutes or until pork is almost done over medium heat. Next add in the carrots & green onions until the carrots start to soften. Add in your two eggs and scramble them with the meat & veggies. Once your eggs are done add in peas. Cook all together until the peas have been cooked through 3 maybe 4 minutes. Not too long because you don’t want the peas to get mushy. 

At this point your rice should be done dump into your wok. The amount of rice you cook can be totally up to you. I cook the rice according to the package which is about 1 cup of uncooked rice, but if I am making it for just the boys & I, I will only use about half the rice and freeze the rest or save for Caspian to have during the week. 

Add in your hot rice and a few shakes of soy sauce & your sriracha. You can use both of these to taste, more srirachi if you like spicy, less if you don’t. Once everything has been mixed together I dump in cut up avocado and stir it up a little longer until its warm.

And that’s it! You can add anything else you want to this mixture or take away anything you don’t think will work for you like maybe the avocado. I’ve never done avo before but I had one the first time I made it and thought it tasted delicious. Let me know if you try it. 

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The reasons things have been so quiet lately have been major acts of God. First was me getting sick. I thought I might have had a breast infection a few weeks ago. I had a fever, chills, & extreme body aches but after piling on 10 covers one night I woke up feeling really good, unfortunately because I was really looking forward to having Shawn take over for the day & lay in bed. But Mother’s Day is around the corner…

After getting over that, last Sunday morning my 20 year old brother had a motorcycle accident on his way to lifeguard training. He broke some fingers & got a huge gash in his knee that required surgery for both and we are hoping that he will regain full use of his hand. It has been a really tough week because yes, he survived but none of us could stop thinking about how he almost didn’t. He was hit by a cab & went flying in the air. The thing that shook me the most was hearing him say that as he was being hit he said to himself “this is it.” I couldn’t stop thinking about how scared he must have been & how he was all alone. We are incredibly, incredibly grateful that he is alive & instead of going to appointments at a funeral home we have the honor of being able to take him to the doctors. And to top the week off on Thursday a teenager brought a gun to my sister’s high school & the school was on lockdown for 5 hours. Luckily she wasn’t there, but OMG close calls for us all around. 

That was Sunday; on Tuesday Shawn & I had a really busy day dealing with business stuff when we noticed a bad rash spreading all across Caspian’s neck & head. The night before he kept waking up scratching at his head but I didn’t put two & two together until late in the afternoon when we were in the sunlight and I noticed he was digging in to his skin. Luckily we only spent an hour in urgent care, but because he was so uncomfortable he had trouble sleeping for the next couple of nights.

Throw in regular everyday stress (but up the pressure) and you have my last few weeks. Things have been just incredibly emotional & a couple of “Why Me’s”. But you know what they say. If Britney Spears can survive 2007 I can survive anything. 

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Why do you always make me do stuff I don’t want to do?

Gosh! I hate this!

I’m running away!

Your house is boring!

I’m not going to eat your nasty food.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

This is dumb.

Your dumb.

Dumb.

Dumb.

Dumb.

I hate chores!

I am a teenager!

I want to stay up until 9 billion.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mommy you have to go to sleep when I do.

It’s not fair!

I don’t want to go school.

I hate school.

Homework is boring.

And then some days he’s all…

Mom I love you, I’m going to buy you a magazine.

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If you follow me on Twitter you heard me desperately cry out for help on Friday as we almost witnessed a complete and utter maternal catastrophe in nature. Walking home from Phoenix’s school we passed a man-made waterfall/pond in front of an apartment complex that had a Mommy duck & 13 of her little babes swimming around. Caspian was fast asleep in his Ergo so we decided to watch them for a bit. After watching them for almost an hour the unthinkable happened. At this particular complex there were two pond areas so after swimming in one & unsuccessfully trying to make it across the street the mother duck started over to the next pond with the ducklings.  She jumped up on the curb & made it in & 5 other ducklings did as well. Before the rest could hop onto the sidewalk & get in the water a lady starts taking pictures of the ducks with her dog very close behind her. The ducks were so frightened by this dog that 8 of them fell down the sewer drain. The mother duck after realizing she was short ducks gets out of the water & starts quacking. The ducks who were in the water get out & fall down the drain as well! I was frozen in my inability to help the ducks & had no idea what to do. The mother duck was frantic & quacking & waddling in circles & I was on the verge of tears.

While we watched them I became mesmerized by how she carried on much like a human mother. When they tried to cross the street & couldn’t she quacked for them to stop & they stopped. When one of them didn’t fall back in line she jumped out & grabbed his neck just as he was almost ran over. And now here she was losing all but two of her babies. I was frantic with worry & just as I was about to call animal rescue some of the maintenance men from the apartment complex came out, climbed down the drain & rescued the babies. Once the ducks had been reunited they climbed back in the water & continued their leisurely swim & the mother stopped quacking.

****************************************

If any of you have a 4 year old out there you know the level of obedience you receive from them on any given day. You know that most of your day consists of counting, daring, begging, empty threats & promises of rewards. You go from one crisis to the next often without a breath in between. At the end of the day I’m exhausted & drained from the battle of wits against my son. Even in the middle of the night there is no break as I battle with him to keep his legs, arms, & head, to himself. I’ve explained the virtues of obedience and why it’s better than sacrifice-something I heard a lot growing up. But we hardly ever get traction before we are right back at it again.

My love for him runs deep, very, very deep but sometimes I look at him when he’s misbehaving & want to shake him & yell “Listen to me! I know best! I know best! I know best! I’m trying to help you.” but obviously I don’t shake him. I just sit, often with my head in my hands & wonder what & why having a 4 year old can be so very difficult.

But then Friday came & a duck & her ducklings hopefully helped get my son to understand the importance of being obedient. I’ve been trying to talk to him about consequences lately but I’m not sure he fully gets it. But there before his eyes consequences played out.  I’ve had to remind him almost every single day, several times a day since Friday “Remember the baby ducks”. 

I know that today when he comes homes from school will be another battle to get him to finish homework, to gently put the baby down, to do his chores with a cheerful attitude, stop jumping, stop screaming, stop whining, stop this, stop that. I know the lesson of the ducks might fade away in a few days but maybe, just maybe it won’t. 

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My children are quickly growing before my eyes & this makes me a little bit sad. I’ve been tinkering in my lab lately working on a potion that will keep them small-but also self-sufficient, forever, but until then I have to come to grips with the fact that before I realize it they will be gone. Before that day comes & we have to pack up the cars & store away the toys I made a list of things I wanted to teach them. First up. Things I want to teach my boys about love.

Dear Boys-

Before you two realize it girls won’t just be those friends you have that like pink, they’ll suddenly become that friend that looks really, really pretty in pink. You’ll start to notice that you feel different around her & you might find yourself thinking about her often & your heart may swell with all sorts of feelings that you won’t be able to explain. You’ll hear the word love & you might feel you love her, but you won’t really know what that means.

Falling in love with someone can be tricky and it can also be very scary. Before I met your Dad I thought my first love was in 3rd grade. He was the boy that all of the girls loved & had Justin Bieber hair long before the Biebs was even a twinkle in his mother’s eye. When your Yaya said I couldn’t possibly love him because I didn’t know anything about him I challenged her with my everything I knew of Josh “I do know him! He likes the color purple & macaroni & cheese & he doesn’t have a Dad!” and I stomped away threw myself on the bed & cried that no one understood me.

When I was a little bit older I fell in love again and that didn’t work out. A few years later I thought I fell in love again and again a few years after that. Each & every single time when people asked me why I loved these guys I always gave them the exact same list of qualities but in a different order that way no one could call my bluff.

He’s kind. I said.

He’s caring. I said.

He makes me laugh. I said.

He’s got a good sense of humor. I said.

He’s sweet. I said.

He has a good heart. I said.

He makes me want to be a better person. I said.

He’s good looking. I said.

We have fun together. I said.

He’s just a really great guy. I said.

And all of those things were true about all of those guys, but you know what all of those things are true about a lot of people. Your father also has those same exact qualities in a different order. It wasn’t until I was watching the dating reality show The Bachelor {which hopefully by the time you read this no longer comes on or at the very least is finally considered a scripted comedy} that I realized that love cannot be summed up in a list of superlatives. All of those characteristics are all good to have but just because someone has those things doesn’t mean you love them or you are right for that person. If you asked me exactly why I loved your father you know what I would say? “I don’t know.” all I know is that when I met him my soul finally took a big sigh of relief.

For the many people you will meet in your life you will have many different answers to what love really is & that is ok because love for everyone looks different & getting to love is different for everyone. But for me I didn’t fall in love with your father because he makes me laugh because Daniel Tosh also makes me laugh but I don’t want to marry him. I didn’t fall in love with your father because he was kind or caring or giving because Oprah is all of that times a 1000 & I’d never let her put a ring on it. No, I fell in love with your father because as cliché as it sounds, when he walked down the steps to meet me at BWI & put his arms around me I was home. There was an audible-if only to me, click that told me I was finally in place. Nothing about us made sense or frankly should have worked because there were many obstacles stacked against us & sadly many objections lobbied from people that told us we shouldn’t work.

Falling in love with your father was not easily explained. Yes of course now 6 years later I could explain to you what I love about him or rather what keeps me loving him. What I’m trying to say boys, is that love is not easily explained & not easily understood by you or those around you. Does the person you fall in love with need to be a good person & be all of those other adjectives explained above? Yes, of course they do. But that isn’t the only thing to look for. 

When the time comes listen & pay attention. Don’t be easily swayed by the girl that I love or your father loves. Don’t worry about checking off an imaginary list of qualities. Sometimes when you fall in love you won’t be able to explain why & in my experience that is the best kind of love.

Love,

Mom

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I didn’t make my goal of posting 5 days a week, but I figured 4 is better than nothing. Baby steps, baby steps.

This morning I was browsing Facebook & came across an article from The Stir about a mom keeping her sons hair long. I immediately clicked over, because I have a son with long hair & Caspian pretty much seems like he’ll follow along the same hairy path. The article was about an issue that no matter how I try I just can’t seem to understand.

I’ve mentioned before that I tend to lean a little to the right on some issues & I am more conservative than some other bloggers I read. I also have mentioned how I wish the issue of gender stereotyping with children would die, but since it hasn’t I reserve the right to talk about it again & this time I asking for those of you who feel strongly about it to help me understand.

I enjoy being a woman very much. I am happy with the traditional roles that my husband & I play in our home. I’m not interested in chasing out lizards, dumping the garbage or hunting down the mysterious smells coming from under the sink. I don’t mind the laundry-well I do mind it, but there are a lot of things I’d mind more. I enjoy making him dinner & serving him when he’s home. Even though I prefer playing the role of a 1950′s housewife I am no Michelle Duggar. He is not my king, lord, nor my master. I am his equal & his partner. I get my way, he gets his, I get mine twice, he gets his a half. There is no “Well he said it, so it is so” in my home so please understand that.

I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a feminist. And so maybe that is why when the issues come up about not raising our children within the confines of gender I tend to be a little confused. When I hear things about not wanting your daughters to be princesses I scratch my head. I don’t understand why we are putting so much insistence that men & woman are the same, because in case you haven’t looked down below lately we aren’t. We move differently, we speak differently, we act differently. Women push babies out, men push sperm. Women can bring peace to a situation with one assuring glance while a man can bring confusion. Men are stronger than most women. Women are stronger than most men.

Why are we putting so much focus on trying to be like men, when we can put focus on being the women we were created to be. When did it become a shameful thing for a little girl to want to put on a pink dress or a little boy to want to play with a truck and not a stupid baby doll? 

I understand the idea behind all of us being equal because we are. We should have equal pay, equal rights, and be respected equally. But I just feel that to continue to say we are the same is ridiculous. We really aren’t the same in various ways. Woman we’re given such special gifts, things that only we can do, feel & understand. I don’t want to be able to do every single thing my husband can, I don’t think I’d be as good as he is. I want to be the best I can at what I was designed to be. He can never be me, I can never be him. Our strengths & our weaknesses are different. 

Those of you that believe in living outside of the “gender box” do you ever wonder what kind of message it sends to your children? I am asking honestly here. Do you ever feel like if your daughter hears you ranting & raving over these issues do you ever feel she may start resenting being a woman & instead desiring to be men since make them out to be so damn cool?

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