I have meant to blog for sometime now about being a parent who does not like kids, but every time I tried it seemed to bomb well before paragraph 2. But today as I sat out on the sunny bench at the playground being a parent who doesn’t like kids came back to me.

Phoenix is probably one of the friendliest children you will ever meet. Yes, he may point a gun at me but he also rubs my back as I vomit so you take the good with the bad & there you have the facts of life.

Because of Phoenix’s strong-willed attitude at home I always worry that in public that he will display that but he never ever ever does. I mean that. He’s like an angel with other children. If your child has fallen he will literally began to pick him up & give him a hug. 

But I started thinking today that maybe his public persona could be a problem. 

Let me start with a little background on me. I don’t like kids. I’m not a babysitter, I’m not going to chat with your kid for hours when they come up to me, & I try not to make eye contact with your adorable babbling baby because then she won’t leave me alone while I’m stuffing my face & I spend my entire meal smiling & cooing. Nice. But not my idea of fun.

I’m a mother that doesn’t like kids, except for my own. I think his stories & imagination are one of kind & could listen to him for hours…but could you?

That’s my fear every time we make our way to the park or any other public place that allows my kid to run semi-unsupervised. Instead of playing with all the other wild boys who are stealing trucks & pushing kids down he runs over to you & strikes about a conversation “Hi! I’m Phoenix Campbell. I like pirates. And my mom has a baby & I have train table & love Thomas & Percy” and on & on he goes.

“Phoenix sweetie come on over here & play in the sand” so he does until he spots another you with your 14 month old toddling around & this time he wants to play with her until I can see you looking around trying to find out who this red haired afro kid belongs to, waving from my perch at the bench with book in hand I call Phoenix over again.

I stopped myself today though because I couldn’t decide if I looked like That mother {whoever That mother is, but whomever she is we all know we don’t want to be her} or if my kid was being genuinely annoying & I was coming off as unaware.

I’m sure a lot of this is me projecting my own social stigmas on Phoenix & maybe you at the park. I probably should leave Phoenix be to explore socially however that looks {within reason} but my social anxiety is constantly on high alert. 

What is your other person kid tolerance, are you down with other people’s precious kids? Do you think a kid like Phoenix would bother you {be honest!} 

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via pinterest 

I am only a little bit ashamed to say that the episode of Modern Family from last week where Lily drops the F bombs has happened in my own house a few gazillion times. It is completely my/our fault as we/I {but mostly me} cuss like Bible school students who have been more or less kicked out of a g<odly establishment, possibly because that is exactly what I am. I’m like an Amish kid on rumspringa. 

The first few times Phoenix dropped a few choice words I cringed, the other times I cringed & scolded him but secretly smiled when he used them all in the right context. That has to count for something right?

Maybe it has gotten a little out of control & he’s aching for his turn on Jersey Shore or Jerry Springer & maybe we really need to cut down on someone swearing, be it the child or the parent.

But for now I think I’m raising a little irreverent bad ass & that might be a good thing.

1. “Mommy drop your weapon & get on the floor!” – Clearly he’s destined for a role in law enforcement & that makes me beam with pride. Also there may or may not have been a time he told me he was going to shoot me in the head if I didn’t let him do something. But everyone has a lapse in judgment right?

2. Colorful language as described above- Do I really need to say it? This kids vocabulary will certainly having him score in the Harvard range on the SAT.

3 “Mommy I just don’t care what you say!” – He’s not a follower. So when your kid wants to hand him an ounce pound kilo of coke he ain’t going to take it.

4. Said in the most sarcastic tone “Whatever you say Mommy.”- He’s going to be a good husband don’t you think?

5. Lying. “It makes my baby happy if you clean up for me”- Do I smell a novelist?

6. “Mommy go to Maryland” obvs loosely translated means “Go to hell Mommy”- He has a love for geography & travel. 

7. Me: “Phoenix you are being a whiny baby” Phoenix “No you are!”- Fairness & equality for all. 

So the next time you want to kick yourself for some bad kid behavior, find that silver lining. It’s there people. It really is.

What is the worst behavior your kid displays that they picked up from you?

But all joking aside this kid has a serious case of empathy. Last night while his Dad was out of town & I came down with a case of the morning evening fuck me all day sickness he came into the bathroom started rubbing my back & said “I’m going to help you Mommy! I’m going to take care of your baby. Just bare down!” Through my barf colored hazed I melted.

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But lately Monday has been bringing me anxiety. Why? Because the bloggers & readers shut down on Friday afternoon {as it should be} & spend time living outside the computer or occasionally catching up on their reader. I have found it’s not in my best interest to post any of tantalizing new content over the weekend.

So come Sunday night I’m like “BAM. TANTALIZING!” but lately that hasn’t been happening & I freak out & I’m all “O.M.G I have nothing to say!” 

Like today. 

I had a post in mind, I started it but then I stopped it because it felt heavy for Monday & was going nowhere. I was going to start another one that might get me a few laughs or maybe a few scoldings {depends on how your funny bone works} but when I looked down at the clock & saw it was close to 9 all I could think about was darkness, cozy bed with clean linens & an episode of the Secret Circle.

So maybe I’ll use the case of the Monday’s as an excuse to post the funniest pin from Pinterest to get your Monday started off right. Because I know with last nights news we could all use a little laugh. 

via pinterest 

Happy Monday Motherfuckers

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Ah! So baby number two is gestating in me now. Am I thrilled? Like so thrilled! We found out precisely the day I knew we could. The day after this post. We had just had my IUD removed in November & at the gyno I was told that yet again this sucker was not in place. I had an ultrasound to be sure I wasn’t pregnant & the doctor told me that I would probably end up with child very soon.

My period arrived a few days later & I waited that sucker out for my Droid app to start placing nice red hearts on a few days for go time.

And obvs it worked.

My period was due the day we tested & after buying the test we went back & forth about waiting to test or just doing it. I was in such a place of “I want a baaaaaaaaaby” that I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand one more day of not knowing so I peed. And a few minutes later appeared two very faint lines.

So faint in fact I decided to test again…& again the same two lines.

Jumps & hugs & big smiles were had by all {really just the two of us} & I quickly downloaded yet another app to get my exact stats. 4 weeks & due 8/23. 

WOW. 4 weeks pregnant. That is just like a little tiny blib of a thing. It doesn’t even look like a shrimp thing yet.

But here we are 5 weeks later with a belly {damn. Was it just my gut or does every subsequent baby appear earlier than the last?} & no morning sickness {knock on wood} & fuck damn shit hell bastard bitch am I FUCKING tired. Like I want to just go up to people & shake them & say “But do you know how tired I am?! REALLY?!” Currently it is 7:40 & as soon as this post has passed my untrained editors eye I am hitting the sack. 

Cravings come & go. 2 weeks ago it was tuna fish subs from Subway. The first few weeks was spinach artichoke dip & right now it’s just water…

Phoenix is being I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E  like beyond. Talks about how he is going to protect the baby & cheer the baby up when she {he thinks it’s a she} is sick or sad. Kisses my belly at night, brings me vitamins & bandaids. Like awesome. 

And that my friends will conclude the less than thrilling “I’m pregnant update” because this gestating Mommy is a tired banshee.

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I’m sure {like most of you} spend hours pinning projects by ambitious crafters to my DIY board. I also have two other sewing related boards but until I fix my bobbin winding problem {hit me up if you are an avid sewer person that can help me} the sewing stuff will have to wait. I don’t know how many things I have piling up on my DIY board but it’s a lot! So much so that this year one of my resolutions is to pick one project from Pinterest & actually do it.

This week I picked the easiest one & I think it’s going to turn out pretty good.

original idea found here. 

uh & my 12-year-old sister would like credit for all the “text” 

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Some point during or after the holiday season with the big green tree & blinking lights there was a controversy brewing over at Mecca Mom aka Target over some breastfeeding Mom.

My husband was the one who actually brought the thing to my attention & after reading it I thought Target acted unfairly & that had I had a nursing baby of my own I may just make a trip to Target to protest with the masses. Until a week or so later when I came across this article & picture about the sitch & had a slight change of mind.

I am a huge, huge, breastfeeding advocate. Liquid gold all the way baby. I cried when I started, I cried when I was told I couldn’t breastfeed, I cried when it felt like there was a lighter running over my nipples & I cried when I stopped. It was truly the most, blah, blah, magical moment ever.

I have always been a supporter of women being able to take care of their starving & screaming baby when the time called. And when I first read the story of the Texas Target mom I thought that Target made a big no-no. Here you have a mother sitting in Starbucks with her feet propped up on a chair nursing a bottle of water & an infant with her Hooter Hider…wait…or maybe not. And I changed my mind.

I don’t think I can support the notion that a woman should be allowed to nurse her child in public with her breast hanging out like in this picture. I just can’t.

Yes, if you are a nursing momma & the time calls to whip those puppies out you do the damn thing girl, but let’s do it with a modicum of respect for the other people around you. Would I be quick to call it gross or disgusting or unsanitary if I saw this? No, but would I think it was  & a tad bit inappropriate/rude, to be enjoying my hot chocolate & biscotti while having to take in some womans areola? Yes I would.

Just because one of the functions of a breast is to give life & nutrients to your child doesn’t mean you have to put it on display. My vagina also has a life-giving function. Next time I’m at Red Lobster {which is never} should I prop mine up?

Everyone has the right to eat, but its rude when diners around you eat with their mouth open. 

And also as I read the comments on this post & see that the original mother had 4 kids with her & was sitting in the middle of the floor I take back my “I’d support it” comment. If my 3 year old needed lunch I wouldn’t sit him in the middle of the aisle with a Happy Meal. Common decency. 

What are your thoughts on breastfeeding in public? 

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5 {Mom}Blog Trends I’d like to see gone in 2012-

1. Bloggers announcing their new blog related book entitled “All the things I didn’t say on my blog”- I may certainly be in the minority here, but I’m just more than a little over seeing bloggers writing books. Yes. Maybe it is the next natural step for bloggers & would I exactly turn down the opportunity if it came my way? Probably not, but also I don’t think I’d be buying a blogger book either {except for maybe The Bloggess book because duh}. I can’t put my finger on it, but blogger books just leave a bad taste in my mouth. Instead, lets all shoot for some kind of web series like Girls Gone Child, because that is awesome.

2. Push Present Debates- I’m looking at you Babble when I say this. Please stop clogging up my Facebook feed with your pretentious & judgmental leading push present debate questions. I wrote at length about this filled with more than enough f-bombs to last one lifetime. Much like bottle vs. breast is a personal decision so is the decision to suggest your husband by you something nice after your nether regions explode with life. And really it’s just good manners. And also am I the only one who thinks Babble post stuff just to start fights?

3. Excessive Giveaway entries I know I’m not the only one to read over the requirements for a giveaway & promptly click away after you list things like Like me, Kiss Me, Hug me, Give me blood, Give me urine, Give your first born…all to win a roll of Bounty paper towels. Honestly one simple comment is enough & if you’d like to get some Facebook traffic or Twitter traffic from a giveaway cool. I do it. But please make those entries optional/extra & even still limit those to a few singular numbers & not reach double digits. It just makes you look desperate.

4. Children gender Wars/Gender discrimination blog post- I don’t think I should touch this with a 10 foot pole, but I already did so what the hell? Stop acting as if every person, every toy maker, clothing maker, food maker, car maker, maker of makers is out to put you or your child into a box. I think the original point of these arguments of “women are equal to men” has gotten out of hand & taken on a life of its own. And really women, is it that bad being able to smell nice & look pretty & wear pink? I think we are doing our children{daughters} more harm. Teach them to be proud of whatever their genitalia is not ashamed of it.

5. “I’m proud of my curves!” pins on Pinterest- I posted this to my Facebook page yesterday & though it might get me in trouble its worth repeating. There is a difference between the 4 muffin tops you {and I} have spilling over our jeans & the sexy curvaceousness Marilyn Monroe had. If you are proud of your rolls than that is awesome {no snark intended} but realize it is fat & not curves & stop trying to be all “I’m proud to have a womans body” when you really look like the Michelin Tire Man.

and a Facebook one for good measure.

6. Please stop posting every single detail of every single minute of your life on Facebook. I can’t tell you how many times I read this type of status “Just woke up. Had an orange, walked downstairs smiled at the cat. Long day at work, may eat steak may eat pork. Also went to the post office & Kmart. Love my family love my friends!” Take a breath!

Have any blog/social media trends you’d like to stay in 2011?

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Christmas was Christmas. It took me the entire month of December to actually get into the Christmas spirit. But when I’m sending my son to school in shorts its kind of hard to get all wishful over winter wonderland, gingerbread & misletoe. 

We did have a nice Christmas. But it was again, Christmas.

New Years Eve seemed to rock a little harder. We spent the night jamming out to a horrible 80′s cover band at City Walk where I had the most delicious Jamba Juice & ran into FIVE different people from the past year who I’d like to push into a bus. Luckily a quick disappearance into the crowd of 25,000 made it impossible for them to see us *I think* but boy did I see them & some red. 

But now 2011 is over & its time to set my eyes & my heart towards goals that I will only half-heartedly attempt.

I try not to make many loud declarations of resolutions because I don’t keep them & they usually are something like “Lose weight” & that just ends in tears in a pool of Chipotle. *Last year I set no personal goals for myself but I did have 2 pages of blogging goals but I don’t know how many I accomplished because my hard drive to my old computer is still sitting unattached to my newer but less cool HP. But I can tell you from memory I reached at least 3 of those. One of which included being featured and/or syndicated on BlogHer no less than 5 times…& on the 29th of December BlogHer didn’t let me down. Make sure you check that one out.

I’m still fleshing out what my blog goals for 2012 will be. But I did sort of think of what I really want to work on this year personally & that is to be more deliberate in life. Now I saw someone tweet that last week & I was like “What the hell does that mean? It seems so vague.” but I started thinking about it today & for me its going to mean more focused on finishing things. Steady. Focused. 

You don’t know me IRL & I know you probably think I’m totes perfect but the truth is I’m not. At. All. One of my biggest flaws is that I’m a procrastinator & my procrastination can turn into dis-organization & laziness. I used to think I was very organized & in some ways I am very organized. I know where everything is & I don’t have to spend hours looking for stuff, but stuff is still un-organized & there is just crap every where. 

And when I finally decide its time to get shit together it takes forever & a whole day of planning to do it, then I take tiny little breaks that I call “sensory breaks” to play Angry Birds & than get up & do it again. Laundry sits for days unfolded, mail piles up, appointments don’t get made, vitamins forgotten, & I hate that. 

So for 2012 I need everything to have a home again, I need to be a better manager of my time, I need to make decisions & not second guess them. Live focused, live steadily. I won’t start laundry unless I know I will & can finish it the same day. When I move in March it won’t take my 7 months to decide on a lamp. I will have proper menu & mail storage instead of thrown into a a United States Postal box because the drawer broke & no one can be bothered to fix it. 

*Also I realize that this problem is worse than I thought…my resolution last year was exactly the same. So I guess I really should work on this & also, take some Ginkgo biloba.

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When the 3 year old class comes parading in front you to do their rendition of Jingle Bell Rocks you tear up, you tear up so much you don’t even mind when the Dad who is clearly high & reeking of Jim Bean shoves his camera in your face to catch the name of the song.

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When you consider making all kinds of crafts that will only end in tears, usually yours, because of the mess, the lack of organization & the waning interest, but you still pull up another tutorial for Salt Dough ornaments the next day because dammit it’s Christmas time!

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When you stand in line at Toys R Us at 5 AM on your anniversary to get the Leap Pad & still walk out empty-handed because there were at least a 100 other people in front of you.

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When even after the Toys R Us debacle you race across town after Target tells you they have the Leap Pads. Beg the operator to hold you one because you will be there in 20 minutes, but breathe a sigh of relief when she assures you that she doesn’t need to hold you one because they have plenty. But you still manage to not get one when you arrive at Target in 15 minutes & watch someone else pick up the last one & start hollering FUCK in the Children’s Electronics aisle.

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When you contemplate pushing the offending Leap Pad buying mom… just because.

You know you’re a mother… at Christmas time

When you contemplate paying $60 more for the Leap Pad on Ebay

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When you consider buying a drum set.

You know you’re a mother…at Christmas time

When you want nothing on that day but to see your child smile.

Now your turn to answer!

via pinterest (duh where else?) 

 Also linked up to Kat’s Writers Workshop

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I look often for more opportnities to put money back into our pockets & that’s why I love deal sites like Gilt, Ideeli, & Haute Look for the best deals on designer stuff. But of course not everything I buy is designer, OK, the truth? Most of what I buy is not designer.

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