Captivated by the Divine

Hello from South Africa!

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 07:14:00 +0000

I am so happy to say that my entire family is finally in South Africa! Sorry to be so behind on updating but the last month has been a blur of a whirlwind. When Jason returned home from his last trip in May, we began praying through a shorter-term move of three months. Several reasons for this…one, it would be way less costly and two, we could come on a tourist visa and not have the constraint of working through all the requirements for a longer stay in country.

God radically confirmed this through the provision of taking care of our home. At the beginning of June, I mentioned to a friend what we were sensing and that we would be looking for someone to rent our home for the three months while we were away. My thoughts being ‘who in the world wants to rent a house for three months anyway?’ Well, less than 24 hours later, that same friend was standing in his back yard talking to a contractor that he had recently hired when the man begins to say that he and his wife had just received a contract on their current home and would not be able to move into their new home until October… giving them a three month lapse and no idea what they were going to do. As you probably can figure out, my friend connected our families and the rest is history! The really cool thing is that this couple actually lives in our subdivision just a street over from our current home. When we met them and were talking through if the scenario would work, his wife asked when we would be able to be out of our home to which I replied ‘whenever you need us to be.’ Her reply, ‘how about June 17^th?’ I am certain my mouth dropped wide open. This date had special significance because a group of precious friends of ours were already leaving on this date to travel to South Africa on a Pinelake mission trip. Jason and I had resigned ourselves to the fact that we wouldn’t be able to be in South Africa by then and had broken the news to them the week before that there was no way possible that we were going to be here with them. Needless to say, after that conversation we checked flights and when there were 5 seats still available on their same flight we took that as our confirmation that it was time for us to come. I share the details of this because it is a beautiful picture of God’s sovereignty over all things and His faithfulness in all things. God is so good!

We arrived in South Africa on the 19^th of June and were fortunate enough to spend our first week here with friends and an incredible team ministering alongside Tabitha and iThemba Ministries. It was a tremendous blessing for me personally to see the impact that this place has on people and to get a glimpse into the work that God was doing in the hearts of the team. We saw the last members off this past Sunday and this week we have been busy trying to get ourselves settled in. God has graciously shown us where we will be calling home for the next three months. We are extremely thankful and continue to be humbled by His provision over our steps. We currently need prayer over the acquisition of a vehicle. Automobiles here are more expensive than we had anticipated, but we continue to trust that God will guide our steps and give us wisdom in that area as well.

It has been almost a year ago exactly that we first traveled to this beautiful country. Last July, I would have never envisioned what this past year would have held. This has been such a remarkable journey and we continue to be so humbled by it. Thank you all so very much for your continued support, encouragement and prayers.

I’d love to have you visit our website at www.restorationhope.org to find out more about what’s going on here in South Africa!

Blessings to you….

Launch of Restoration Hope...a note from my man

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 22:50:00 +0000

I remember even at a young age that there were two prevailing fears I had regarding giving my life to God. I did not want to be a pastor and I did not want to live in Africa. Four years ago God led me to face that first fear by becoming one of the pastors on staff with Pinelake Church. I walked away from my family’s business and the career I had spent over 8 years developing to help lead an amazing team of ministers, assistants, and volunteers. It was a leap of faith that God used to help me see that His way was truly best and that there was nothing in my past or present I could do to disqualify myself from His plans for me. Two years ago God started stirring something new within me. Ironically, He used the Liam Neeson movie Taken to open my eyes to the repulsive reality of the sex trafficking of children. Additional research into that dark and nasty world further opened my eyes to see the reality of abandoned children living in abject poverty.

This pursuit ultimately landed Brandy and I on the ground in South Africa. On our first trip, we were only there for 10 days but honestly it only took one day for our reality to be shattered. I had read statistics on orphans and even had advocated for ministering to them, but standing in the middle of thousands of them changed everything. I once thought I was simply blessed to live where I lived and thought very little of my responsibility to the world. I looked at what I considered to be rich people and judged them for not doing more. Then I read a statistic that has forever changed my attitude. Standing in the middle of poverty unlike anything I had ever seen, these words literally burned my eyes and heart as I read them, “If your household income is over $25,000 you are in the top 10% of the world’s wealth. If your household income is over $50,000 you are in the top 1% of the world’s wealth.” I suddenly became aware of just how much had been entrusted to me and I began to beg God to forgive me for my apathy towards those that suffer and my judgment of those whom I considered as being responsible for doing something about it. I looked into the mirror on that trip and heard God clearly call me to step up and put my faith and resources into action.

To be completely honest, the past 7 months have been nothing short of pure torment for us. We have wrestled with God, fought against our fears, and longed to just return to our "normal" life. In the middle of it all, God has continued to lead us toward fighting for those who have no voice. I am writing this today to let you all know that Brandy and I are taking another leap of faith and to ask for your help. We have started a non-profit called Restoration Hope and will be relocating to South Africa to get the work there started. As you can imagine this is not a paying gig and we will be relying on the money we are able to raise. We trust that as God has placed this burden on our hearts to go and be used by Him to start this work, that He has been working in others to help us get there.

Please visit our website at http://restorationhope.org. There are a few things that you can do to help us:

1) Prayerfully consider making a financial commitment to Restoration Hope.
2) Sign up for our newsletter and share the website with others.
3) Read the prayer page and partner with us in prayer.

At this point in the journey there are still so many things that we do not know and the risks seem crazy. Brandy and I have decided that we can handle failure, but what we can no longer tolerate is our own apathy towards children living in conditions that are unimaginable. We hold no illusions of grandeur and fully realize that we cannot save them all. The bottom line for us is that God has indicated to us both that He is preparing a great work in South Africa. We fully believe that He is going to show up and show out in the community of Sweetwaters and we are humbled that He has entrusted us to be a small part of it. We extend that invitation to you today and invite you to join us on the great pursuit of seeing an extraordinary God do an extraordinary work.

In Christ,
Jason and Brandy

Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 09:19:00 +0000

If there is one thing I know with certainty, the time I have spent in Africa has very little to do with what God desires to use me to do here and almost everything to do with what God desires to do inside of me while I am here. God has used Africa to change me. This beautiful country has invaded my heart in a way I cannot describe.

We gathered last night with a group of pastors and leaders that have come from 16 countries from all over Africa. It moves me to hear people worship God in their native tongue. It gives some small glimpse of what I imagine eternity to be...people from every nation and tribe and tongue gathered around Almighty God...my finite mind cannot even begin to comprehend the majesty of my Father.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotion...really the past four months have been that way for me. Something within me shifted the last time we were here. It has been a season of my faith and trust being stretched further than I ever thought possible. However, the result has been a deepening in my relationship with my Father and a level of trust and intimacy I would not have known otherwise. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at His unending faithfulness and provision. Through my own fear and doubt and confusion and questions His love and faithfulness have been unrelenting. "Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?"

I have known the Lord was asking something of me that within my own strength and ability I am completely incapable of. I have wrestled and struggled and pleaded. God spoke truth and peace into my heart yesterday. I have been consumed with asking God to speak clarity and guidance and direction. In many ways just in His sovereignty He already has, but I continued to question. He pierced me with this statement yesterday..."Stop asking me to tell you what I am going to do and start asking me who I AM...I may not tell you what I am doing, but I will always tell you who I AM." God then used a pastor last night to reinforce that truth to me. He asked the question, "Do you live for God or do you allow God to live through you?" With all my heart I desire for God to live through me. I know apart from Him I am nothing and only with Him living through me do I truly find life. But when I sat with that statement, I realized that there is still so much within me that just tries to live for God. I have a deep gratitude for what the Lord has done for me and the bondage He has delivered me from. My gratitude makes me want to live for Him. I want to serve Him. I want my life to bring glory to Him. Those are all great things, but the most important thing and what God really wants most is my heart. And when I start focusing on living for God, my focus begins to shift away from the heart and toward obedience and it leads me toward bondage...just give me a list of things to do and let me get busy doing them. I realize that is why the last couple of months have been so hard for me. God knows my heart and He knows this about me. He isn't interested in giving me a plan or a list and allowing me to start moving toward it. Plain and simple, what He wants most is my heart. He wants me hanging onto Him with everything I have and allowing Him to press His life through me. That's all that matters...that's the only thing of value and worth...God doesn't need my works or my gifts. He is the Giver of every good gift. It all belongs to Him in the first place. The world doesn't need my gifts or works either. What the world needs is the Giver of every good gift. May my obedience come in the form of resting in my Father..in allowing Him to change me and align my heart with His, in laying down my own life so that His life through me may be seen.

May we be a people that hang onto Christ with everything within us...that allow Him to press His life and glory through us to the people around us...Then, I believe we really could change the world.

"You are the light of the world...let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Inside the community of Sweetwaters...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 20:56:00 +0000

At first glance the community of Sweetwaters is a beautiful town tucked amidst lush rolling green hills. It is estimated that the population of this community is somewhere around 100,000 people. I have found it to be a place full of gracious and beautiful people. However, it is also a place of extreme darkness, death and poverty. This community is considered the very epicenter of the AIDS pandemic for South Africa with an estimated 50% of the population being either HIV positive or full blown AIDS. It is beyond my ability to be able to put into words the destruction that this disease has created.

We went back into the community today to do home visits with Zanele...

I am almost certain that I will never in my lifetime meet a person as selfless as this woman. Zanele has worked with Tabitha ministries for the past ten years. As I have already said, she is Tabitha's central person living in the community...she oversees all the Zulu mobile moms and hospice caregivers, food distribution in the community, training and programs for the children at the community center, has 26 additional children living with her at the shelter, and makes daily visits to the sick and child-headed households herself. Before we met up with her today, she had spent the entire morning at court trying to get justice for a 7 year old girl of the community that had been raped only to watch the perpetrator walk free again.

Waiting outside the house of the first patient, we learned that the person had just passed away this week. Mama Gail expected such because when we walked up some of the boys were in the yard preparing a spot for burial.

Walking up to the second house we found it empty...

A neighbor saw us and came to tell Zanele that this man had passed away this week as well...

and this is where this man spent his last days...

We found this house completely locked up with a patient on the inside that we were unable to get to...

Gail says it is not uncommon for family members to be left like this to die...in some instances when the person is in the last stages of death, they are moved outside to await their death as a way of coping and separating them from the rest of the family.

The community of Sweetwaters is broken up into 9 different areas...currently Tabitha ministries only works in 4 of those...just this past week alone in the 4 areas that Tabitha ministers to, there were 140 deaths...which leads to why so many children are left abandoned...

This is a typical child-headed household...

The children's mother and father are buried right outside of the front door. Within these four walls lives a 14 year old girl, 9 year old twins and a six year old...

Please pray for the people of Sweetwaters...that the hope of Jesus Christ would permeate and pour out over these hills...please pray also for Zanele and the ministry that God would continue to strengthen and go before them...

As I type this I cannot help but think of the 30 children that are sleeping in the room down the hall from me right now...all miracles that the Lord redeemed from the community of Sweetwaters. I have a deep gratitude knowing that nothing is impossible for my God. He rescues and redeems and loves with a love that is beyond all comprehension...

"And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Acts 2:21

A day in Sweetwaters...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 19:31:00 +0000

Yesterday we went back into the community of Sweetwaters to assemble food parcels for the month of December. These food parcels are given to the home-bound, sickest patients that Tabitha ministries is involved with as well as to the child-headed households. If you are not familiar with the term child-headed household it is when children, mainly due to the death of their parents, are forced to take over as head of the household and take care of the remaining siblings. It is not uncommon for the oldest sibling to still be under the age of 10 themselves. These children do not live with relatives or in any type of shelter. They literally in an instant are unfathomably catapulted from a child to a parent. It is estimated that there are close to 6000 children living in this situation in the community of Sweetwaters alone. This is a photo of the typical food parcel that Tabitha distributes...because it is Christmas though they wanted the people and children to have something special so we added a bag of candy, package of cookies and jelly. The monthly food parcel generally includes a bag of rice, maize meal, soup mix, sugar, salt, tea, 5 bouillon cubes, soap, candles, 2 cans of beans and 1 can of sardines.

Packing the parcels...

Some of the sweet caregivers that helped pack the parcels...

These caregivers are considered mobile moms and hospice caretakers...they check in with the child-headed households at least once a week and make weekly visits to check on AIDS patients.

After hours of packing this was the reward of our labor...over a thousand bags filled with food to be distributed the day before Christmas!

We then came home to prepare for a much anticipated grand event...

Four of the children from the orphanage take gymnastics classes and their program was last night. They were so cute and did such a fantastic job! Introducing Lulu, Becky, Timmy and Nellie...

We went back out into the community again this morning to do a program for some of the child-headed household children at the community center. When we were last here back in August only one room of the community center had been built. Since we have been back home, God has graciously provided Tabitha with the funds to complete the center and so far a good portion of it has been built...

Zanele's house, the shelter and the community center are all inside a small little compound. This is a photo of Zanele's house...

And this is the shelter that is right next door where the 26 children I mentioned yesterday live...

The children that came for the program today...

Sandwiches and kool-aid for the children...

This sweet little guy made me smile...during prayer he squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could and kept them that way the entire time...

The harsh reality of a child-headed household...

This sweet little girl is only eight years old and is responsible for her one year old sister. I took the baby to give the little girl a break so she could enjoy the program. After about 30 minutes the child started to cry and myself or the other women weren't able to console her. It broke my heart to see this young girl only a child herself, step away from the program to come and comfort her sister. She did it without a second thought the minute she heard the baby crying. It is unfathomable to comprehend, but the way of life here...to watch the children still only children themselves taking care of their siblings and putting their younger brothers and sisters needs ahead of their own...

I'll leave you with some final images...it was a great day and I am so thankful for the opportunity to love on these children and to speak to them of a God who loves and cares for them.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Journey back to South Africa...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 21:05:00 +0000

When we took this photo back in August, I never thought I'd be standing in the same spot again only three months later going back...

Not only going back, but taking people back with us this time...

We arrived back at Tabitha Ministry on Wednesday...Honestly, I felt like a kid the day before Christmas. It seemed like forever ago that we told these little ones goodbye and my heart has ached to see them again. It has been such a sweet, sweet time of being with them... I can't wait to show you how much they've grown.

We spent our first full day here in the community of Sweetwaters yesterday. God has given me a love for the people of this community and it was good to be back there. We did a formula and porridge distribution at Tabitha's community center for some of the women of the community...mothers and grandmothers who aren't able to adequately supply food for their babies...once again I was struck by how humble and gracious and appreciative the people are.

Apart from the orphanage in the city, Tabitha Ministry also has another house in the community that is able to provide an immediate refuge for the kids of the area. For those of you who remember Zanele from our first trip here, this shelter is actually she and her husbands old house...her new house actually sits just a few feet from the shelter and the community center. Zanele and her husband have three children of their own and amazingly have taken in 26 more children of the community. The idea of this house is for it to be able to provide immediate shelter for the most at-risk children in the community...those whom have been victimized and abused and whose lives are endangered. Some of their bedrooms...

The kitchen...

And the sweet 28 year old girl that lives in the house as the "house mom" with them...

I look forward to sharing more of the trip with you...

"For You have been my stronghold and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my strength, I will sing praises to You. For God is my stronghold, the God who shows me lovingkindness." Psalm 59:16-17

Journey of my heart

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 12:44:00 +0000

“Then I said to you, ‘Do not be terrified; do not be afraid. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a Father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.’” Deuteronomy 1:29-31

The Lord spoke this verse to me this week. It has special significance to me because over two and a half years ago He spoke a similar verse to me from Deuteronomy as He began to take me on a journey of healing…”Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” With the speaking of those words, the Lord began to reclaim and restore my heart. My heart had been so wounded… hardened on the outside and dying on the inside. In a way that only the Lord can, He began a work in my heart that is impossible for me to even attempt to put into words. He took my pain and my hurt upon Himself and in exchange gave me life and hope…and in the process, I experienced the tender loving hands of the Father that my heart had been so desperately dying apart from. Over the last couple of months, I have sensed a deeper place of healing that the Lord desires for my heart. I have known that my heart wasn’t completely whole because the hopelessness and despair that once threatened to drown me still lurks on the distant horizon. I have known it wasn’t completely whole because I am aware that I still have carefully constructed defense mechanisms that protect it from anyone getting too close. If pain or fear threatens, my heart can throw up a fortress and take me to a place that is completely void of any emotion. While those walls are great for protecting my heart from hurt, they also protect my heart from receiving the full expression of love that I know Christ desires to give me . Honestly, I am tired of living with walls. I desire real, true intimacy. I desire pure, perfected love. I desire deep, life-giving connection. So once again, I have found myself at a place where I desire to go deeper…a place that I know in my own strength and power I have no way to get to…a place that I must rely solely on Jesus to do a work in my heart that I cannot do on my own.

Hence the sweet reassurance of the above verse…the very same God who went before me then…the same God that fought to remove the shackles that had me entangled…the same God that carried me from a place of captivity and delivered me into this spacious place that I now stand…yet once again promises that He goes before me and it is He that is carrying me and it is only He that brings deeper healing …and once again I stand in awe of the faithfulness and lovingkindness of my Father.

Much of this trip for me I know has been about the journey of my heart. I don’t like messy. I like tidy, compartmentalized, controlled. To be completely honest, my heart right now feels like an absolute mess. I realize that in the deepest part of my heart I am scared to trust, scared to hope…I am fearful to let go of my sense of control because I don’t like to feel pain. But I also realize that the place that I know the Lord desires to take me and also the place that my heart so desperately longs for must be free of fear.

So here I am Lord. The closer You draw me to You, the clearer I see the brokenness all around me and the more pain my heart feels. Somehow I know that it is what You are using to show me that it is okay to trust and it is okay to hurt. Honestly though, sometimes it overwhelms me to the point that I just want to come Home and be with You. It makes me long for the day when there will be no more hurt. I don’t want to see people suffer. I don’t want to see this much death, destruction and poverty. I don’t want to see innocent children being abused, abandoned and neglected. But here I am nonetheless. I know that You are sovereign and Your plan is perfect, so I know that I am exactly where You desire for me to be. I ask Father that You help me. I desire to experience the full manifestation of the love and hope that only You can offer. I want to embrace Your freedom and love and mercy with reckless abandon. So I plead to You to use this brokenness that You have opened my eyes to, to help me better understand just how deep and pure Your love really is and then to create inside of me a deep passion to share that love and hope to this lost and broken world…so that one day when I do see You face to face I can say that I freely gave away what You so freely gave to me…that I did everything with the abiltiy that You entrusted to me to in some way help ease this pain…that through my hands Your love touched this awful brokenness…and through my love Your love would be magnified…because only You Lord can save…only You Lord can heal…only You Lord can offer hope. Thank you Jesus that Hope is always alive because of You.

Thank you Jesus…thank You that You made a way for us to get back home to our Father…where one day this heart of mine will be fully whole, because it will finally be Home.

Beginning of the girls shelter

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 13:28:00 +0000

So here it is...the very beginning of the soon to be home for little girls!We have spent a good part of this week doing work in preparation for the first girls that God has planned to bring to this ministry.

Building bunk beds and painting...

Writing scriptures on the walls and covering this place in prayer...

And my very favorite thing about this house...the front door...so cool that the Lord already had this house prepared for these girls before anyone even knew it...a visual reminder that THE LORD ALMIGHTY, THE LION OF JUDAH Himself guards this place and will guard and defend these children...

"O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."

Isaiah 25:1

The power of a story...Michelle Corley

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 02:19:00 +0000

To make a long but very cool story short, I met Michelle back in June while on vacation. The sovereignty of God always blows me away...how He can be over and in all things yet still so intimately involved in every minute detail of our lives. I came to Honduras this week with Michelle and her husband Pat and a team of 11 other people to begin work on the start of a girls shelter. I wanted to share a little bit of her story with you...

Michelle was sexually abused by her father from the time she was 4 years old until she ran away from home at the age of 17. She used drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships as a way to cope with the pain of her abuse. She eventually ended up opening a hair salon and through her clients God began drawing her unto Himself. One of her clients was a man by the name of Forrest Jones. Forrest and his wife began to develop a relationship with Michelle and would speak of their faith but never pushed it upon her. Michelle says that as their relationship deepened she would drop parts of her story on them little by little to see how they would respond. Their encouragement and presence in her life eventually helped to lead Michelle to the Lord. God then took Michelle on a journey of healing and began to bring restoration to her. She and her husband Pat came on a mission trip with Forgotten Children's Ministries back in 2007. Michelle says that FCM appealed to her because they only worked with boys. Even after finding healing and hope in the Lord she was never able to be around little girls because she would have such violent triggers of her own abuse. Because of the severity of the abuse she suffered she was never able to have her own children. She immediately fell in love with the little boys of Honduras and for the last couple of years has come back trip after trip and considers these children the children that she was never able to have. One day she met a little girl in the streets and says that before she even thought about what she was doing she picked her up and in that moment realized that her flashbacks were gone. God had replaced her pain with an intense passion to help rescue the little girls that were facing the same type of abuse that she had endured as a child...and thus the start of the first girls home with FCM. Beauty from ashes...God taking what was intended to harm and bringing good from it...and then using it to bring redemption to others...there is no one like our God.

And remember Forrest and his wife...well, they actually officially adopted Michelle...in her 30's :)...and guess what...I have had the privilege of meeting this sweet man because he is on this trip! Once again I have had the sweet blessing of seeing how the Lord can knit hearts together like no other. I have seen this man tear up time after time as he speaks of his daughter Michelle and the work God is calling her to do with the little girls of Honduras. This is Michelle with her dad...affectionately known as Jonesy...

"My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them." Psalm 35:10

"O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you." Psalm89:8

Face of the fatherless...Rossell

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 02:42:00 +0000

Forgotten Children's Ministries is a non-profit based in the United States that for the past 8 years has been rescuing children from the streets of Honduras. They currently have two boys shelters. Noah's Ark Shelter is located in the city and houses the younger boys up to around age 12 and also includes a transition house that holds the older boys that desire to go to college once they graduate from high school. Grace Farm is located outside of the city and houses the boys over the age of 12 that are in high school or either some type of technical school.

This is Rossell. He is 22 years old and is currently living in the transition house. He has lived at the ministry since its very beginning. His mother died, and he was left to fend for himself on the street. He was picked up by the ministry and has lived here since he was 14 years old. Rossell is in his second year of college and is studying to be a computer programmer. He is also taking English classes for which I was beyond happy to find out because I could communicate with him. When I asked him a little bit about living here he told me that he knew God had given him this opportunity and he wanted to make the most of it.

This is Rossell and Cindy.....

Cindy is Rossell's sponsor. She was in one of the very first mission groups that came at the beginning of Forgotten Children's Ministries start and met Rossell when he was only 14. Needless to say she fell in love with him and now comes back at least once a year to spend time with him and the other boys of the ministry. The Lord gave me the sweetest blessing while talking to Rossell today. Cindy walked by and asked if I'd take their picture together and as I started to snap the photo I joked 'act like you love each other!' To which he replied 'I do love her' and then he reached out and held her hand in his. In that moment the Lord allowed me to glimpse something beautiful...it was a deep love between two people...two people that don't even live in the same country...and that barely speak the same language...but this lady 8 years ago on a trip just like the one I am on met a little boy ...a little boy suddenly left with no mother or no family...a little boy left to beg on the streets...a little boy that the Lord rescued from the streets...and she was moved to do something and her life was forever changed...and in the process so was his...only the Lord can knit two hearts together like that.

Needless to say I started to cry at the pure sweetness of the moment...and then this sweet boy... who is now a man... reached out to comfort me...and in that moment I gained a new brother. God is so good and so faithful.

If you are interested in sponsorship you may visit FCM's website at http://www.forgottenchildrenministries.org. The thing I love,love, love about this ministry is that they encourage relationship building and you actually have the opportunity to visit and form a relationship with the child you sponsor.

Face of the fatherless...Oscar

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 03:13:00 +0000

Yesterday I arrived in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. Today I visited their government welfare agency which is called INHFA and was able to spend some time in their orphanage. Heartbreaking. Devastating. Gut-wrenching. This little guy on the far right is Oscar. He is around 14 months old. When my friend picked his almost lifeless little body up from the crib he immediately responded to just her touch. His little arms hung limply from his sides but within a few minutes he was smiling and laughing. Any attempt made to put him back in his crib and those little limp arms turned into forceful grips refusing to let go. The time came when we had to return all the children to their cribs and in every room cries resounded off the walls. One of the older babies just said the word mama over and over. The harsh reality is that she has no mother to comfort her. I could handle the cries but what transpired between this little guy and myself was the most unbearable thing I have ever experienced. He reached out his little hands in a desperate attempt to not be separated. I tried to comfort him and gently whispered to him to hang on and keep on fighting. I have never seen the look of desperation and hopelessness and despondency in a baby so very small. As I had to turn my back on him and walk away my heart broke into a million pieces which I'm sure in no way remotely compares to the heartache he must have experienced over being left alone again. I hate this. It is not fair. It is not just. It is terrible. It is awful. It is painful. It is intolerable. It enrages me. It grieves me.

Laid Bare

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 03:29:00 +0000

Four constricted walls. Low ceiling. Cold hard floor. Breath threatens to escape me. I am laid bare. I fight against this place. I do not like it. I have been here before. It is lonely. Nothing to distract. Nothing to hide behind. Only me and Jesus. No other visitors allowed. My eyes fully opened to my helplessness. Pain. Anger. Hurt. Brokenness. I want to run but there is no way out. I curl up in the corner and try to dissolve into nothingness. I cannot do this. It is too hard. Too painful. Too confusing. Too exhausting. HE says "You cannot, but I can and you must allow Me." I am afraid. I feel so weak. Failure. Despondency. "Look at Me" HE says. "Fix your eyes on Me" HE insists. I am fearful, but I look into those eyes and I see Hope. So I trust. Healing. Freedom. Joy. Rest. I experience Love. Grace. Mercy. Hope like never before. I become thankful for that place and walk out of it changed. My heart bursts with gratitude.

And now HE says I must go back to that place again. There is more that must be done there. Oh Jesus, I thought I would never have to go back there. Oh Jesus, that place is painful. I want wholeness without having to look at the brokenness. I want joy without experiencing that magnitude of pain. I want strength without having to know weakness. I want hope without having to experience despair. And then I remember. I remember...You knew death so that I might know life. Oh Jesus, if only I might rejoice in the brokenness. Rejoice in the pain. Rejoice in the weakness. Rejoice in the despair. For through it I experience the richness of Your wholeness, the fullness of Your joy, the power of Your strength, and Hope beyond all hope. Father, thank You. The richness of the love I now know would not have been possible apart from that place. It is in that place that I get to meet You face to face.

New determination. Strength. Resolve. Hope anew. Oh Jesus, I trust You. I will go there. Only because I know You are there. Only because I know that whatever You desire to show me there is worth the cost. Only because I know a deeper walk with You is found in this place. So here I am again. Laid bare in this desolate yet strangely hopeful place. Gracious, compassionate Father, thank You for loving me enough to bring me here. This place is where You create beauty from my wretched ashes. Have Your perfect way Father.

He alone is worthy of following...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 19:27:00 +0000

Well, hello again! I have attempted to write many times over the past month but never could seem to form the words, thoughts, and emotions that have filled up my mind and heart. It is doubtful that I will have the ability to now either, but I am determined to at least give it my best shot. Around the beginning of this year, I began to hear a whisper... a gentle stirring in my Spirit of change. With increasing intensity that whisper has become a roar. The last couple of years for me have been an amazing journey with the Lord of finding restoration and hope. Somewhere within my own journey the Lord began to impress upon my heart Isaiah 58 as an incremental step in my own healing and freedom...”Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your Righteous One will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I...if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” This verse speaks to a life lived outside of oneself and for the sake of others....

I have questioned things in my life for some time now...particularly the call to be in the world but not conformed to it...the call to live a life recognizable for Christ...to challenge the culture instead of being absorbed by it. My honest assessment is that my family’s life is not markedly any different from the family down the street. I desire to see that change. The Bible says that followers of Him are supposed to be a peculiar people. We are called to look differently from those around us that do not have this same hope living within. We are called to love with the kind of love that the world doesn't have the ability to offer. I have been given this gift...this treasure...of life and hope and freedom...I have personally experienced the power of the Lord to break strongholds and to radically transform and change a heart by the power of His love...As a believer I have been given this amazing opportunity to show the world what it means to know and follow Christ. It is the simple plan of redemption and spreading the good news...be changed by Jesus, live for and follow Him, and then lead others to Him. God desires to use us to draw others unto Himself through the hope and love and light that they see living within us. Matthew 5:16 says “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.” If my faith is not manifesting itself in active love and in something that helps the life of others, then does it really mean anything at all?

The opportunity to go to a different country and step back from my “normal” only confirmed my fear…I have been missing it. There is a walk with the Lord that my finite little mind can hardly comprehend. Mark 8:35 says “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and the gospel will save it.” God gave me an unbelievable opportunity to witness lives that are literally living this verse out daily and it changed something within me. The most common question I have been asked since being back home is if I have adjusted to being back. Honestly, I’d be rather disappointed in myself if I had. I do not believe the Lord took me all the way to Africa for me to just come back home and pick up my life as if nothing had changed. It didn’t take very long into my trip to realize that my life as I had known it was over. So here I am…one moment a stay at home mom living in an affluent little bubble in suburban Mississippi and the next moment a girl immersed in unbelievable suffering and death in a community dubbed the epicenter of the AIDS pandemic in South Africa. Talk about culture shock. I vividly remember the exact moment that I knew my life had just shifted. I had spent the entire day before touching the faces of the poor, the broken, the destitute and the dying…and now here I was…standing in the middle of hundreds of abandoned and neglected children…left with no parents or no one to even defend or protect them from horrific abuse...and I was overwhelmed with emotion…who am I Lord...who am I that you would allow me this privilege?” I felt as if the Lord had just dropped me straight down into the middle of Luke 16 into the story of the rich man and Lazarus and left me with the question “what will you do?”

To be completely honest, I spent the first week back home curled up in an internal fetal position. I knew that my life had to change. Proverbs 24:11-12 calls us to “Deliver those who are drawn away to death, and those who totter to the slaughter, hold them back. If you profess ignorance and say, Behold, we did not know this; does not He who weighs and ponders the heart perceive and consider it? And He who guards your life, does He not know it? And shall not He render to you and every man according to his works?” My eyes had been blasted open and I knew one day I would stand before my Maker and He would ask me what I did with what He showed me. So all those verses that speak of following Christ, taking up your cross and abandoning self became very real to me very fast…The Bible came alive to me in a new way and verses that I have always read and believed I have had to ask myself...“Really...do I REALLY believe that?” When Jesus says….Follow me…Follow me no matter the cost…Follow me no matter what I ask you to do…Follow me no matter what I ask you to leave behind…Follow me no matter what...Lay down your own plans, your own dreams, your own wants and desires…and simply follow me. Do I REALLY believe He meant that? Honestly, I spent a couple of days just really…well…for lack of a better word…freaking out over what the Lord might ask of me. Eventually this led to something else…something way preferable to freak out…SURRENDER. You see, I love Jesus. I have no other choice but to surrender. If I want to walk with Him then I must choose to follow Him wherever He may lead or whatever He may ask. I have found life and freedom in Him and to chose anything other than following Him to me is choosing death. More important than any other reason though is the fact that JESUS IS WORTHY OF FOLLOWING....the end.

I can hear Him calling. He’s calling you too. “Follow me.” He’s calling all of us deeper into His presence...because He loves us...because He desires to use us to show others that He loves them too..because only He knows what’s best for us...because He knows that the life we so desperately want is found at the end of ourselves... and we can only find that when we intentionally choose to lay ourselves down and follow Him...Can you hear the voice of our Savior calling...such a tender voice... "Come. Follow me and find life everlasting.”

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to Your name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

We're Home...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 01:36:00 +0000

We are home! I wanted to thank you all so very much for following our journey to South Africa...your prayers, comments and support have meant so, so much to both of us. I am still in awe of the opportunity the Lord gave us in going...I hope you felt like you were right there with us. I plan on sharing my own reflections of the trip and still have more stories and some sweet videos to share. My prayer is that Jesus be glorified...I hope your heart has been touched, your love grown for a people you have never met, and your own faith strengthened.

"Glorify the LORD with me, let us exalt His name together." Psalm 34:2-4

Day 9

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 15:17:00 +0000

We made it through customs in Durban and Jo'burg fine and had no problems with the strike, so much to our family's happiness looks like we'll make it home just as planned :)...leaving here for Frankfort, Germany shortly.

We had our last prayer and worship time with the staff this morning. They gave us our official Zulu goodbye...someone starts to sing and then they all form a line of singing and dancing and one by one we all hugged goodbye. Saying goodbye to the staff wasn't any easier than it was to tell the children goodbye. Many of these people I can't even communicate with but the way I have seen them give of themselves in serving these children grabbed my heart and made me love them without having to use words to communicate. I made sure to have a good cry before I went in to see the kids because I didn't want to confuse them...I guess they expected me too though because several asked me 'mama brandy, where are your tears?'...believe me I wanted to allow them to come...I wanted to lay myself down in that floor and drown myself in them...especially when Nqobile asked if he could come home on the airplane with us...if we would be back next week? next month? 6 months from now? God sweetly allowed us to make it to the door before our tears began to flow. How do you respond to that question anyway...there isn't a good one. The truth is I don't know if I will ever see him or the others again and I cannot bear the thought of that. The truth is I wanted to bring him home and my heart is torn into a million pieces right now.

Day 8

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 14:19:00 +0000

I don't have a detailed post in me tonight. Today has been a great day. I have hit an emotional wall though. I love this place and these people have become like family. I know that seems almost impossible since I have literally only known them for a week. Mama Gail and Izzy told us today that when they found out we were coming they prayed daily if it wasn't in God's plan for us to come here that He would close the door, and if God had a purpose in us being here He would allow us to walk in and fit like a hand in a glove. That is the only explanation for how I can love these people so intensely...in this moment I am perfectly aligned in God's plan and with His heart. It doesn't make rational sense. I am way out of my comfort zone. I am a self-professed germophobic. Jason has joked and said that he cannot believe I haven't found a way to levitate myself in the bathroom here. I gag every time I brush my teeth in the children's bathroom because the smell of urine is so strong. Whenever I walk out my bedroom, my personal space no longer exists. Every inch of my body is covered by a child...within the first couple of hours here I had 5 children sitting in my lap, one one both arms, one rubbing their hands all through my hair and two with their cheeks pressed to mine on both sides. Tonight we sat around the table with Izzy, Jean and her son Alvain (photo below) and ate some type of concoction of macaroni and cheese that contained mince meat, carrots, vienna sausage, mashed potatoes and green beans followed by a dessert of pudding containing sponge cake, fruit cocktail and covered with sprinkles on plates that I know where not washed in the most sanitary of conditions...we were such a hodgepodge of people...but we laughed and had such sweet fellowship together.

Jean gave us a torn piece of paper before bed with a handwritten note saying how much our time here has been like a ray of sunshine to them. Many times you aren't able to see clearly in the present the reason for God asking something of you...There are many reasons that I cannot see why God would bring us so far for so short a time but there are countless reasons already that I clearly see the purpose in Him bringing us here.

We leave in the morning. Please pray for the children. It helped that when Brent and Courtney left we were still around to help with the transition. I just don't want it to be any more difficult on the staff. Please pray for them too. They work tirelessly and I think it has been a tremendous encouragement to them having new faces around and more hands to help out sure doesn't hurt either.

As much as it hurts to tear my heart away from this place, I cannot wait to see my kiddos. I must wish this little guy a Happy Birthday before I go...my sweet little lovie is 4 today...

"For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men." 1 Timothy 4:10

Day 7

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 17:45:00 +0000

We went to the early church service with Brent and Courtney this morning at the church they have been attending here. We immediately ran into Bert...he is the person that first invited them to this particular church. He also is in the construction business and is responsible for helping get built the part of the Tabitha Community Center that has already been constructed in Sweetwaters.

He was a lovely man with a strong faith and a tender heart. When he realized that today was their last day here, he started weeping and said "I will see you again in Heaven one day"...to which Courtney started to cry and then I began crying. I thought to myself how we came here to support them and here I am breaking down every time she does. Maybe I'll let Jason be the strong stable one. We stood there talking with him for a little while and before we departed he said "Come, everyone come very close. I want to pray." He was not content until literally all five of us where entangled with one another...he prayed and we cried some more. I have found that often here. There is a unity and an immediate sense of family among the believers. I think coming from where we do, I find that less often. Back home it is somewhat of a cultural norm particularly in the South to be involved in church...just my own speculation here so take it or leave it...many times there may be a big body of people in the church simply because it's what you're supposed to do on a Sunday, but not necessarily because they are believers or followers of Christ. Here it is against the culture, the people do not go to church just to go, or believe in Jesus just because it is the thing to do...many of them have been isolated, left family and friends because of their faith, and suffer persecution because of it. They follow Jesus because they know Him to be worthy of following. I have become even more aware of what a gift the Lord gives us in the body of Christ and the unity of believers...how He can unite believers and has the ability to almost instantly give us a deep love for one another as His family.

After church we came back to the orphanage to let them say goodbye to the kids....

That was an answered prayer also...some people from the community host a monthly birthday party for the children which happened to be today...so goodbyes were not quite as hard for the children or Brent and Courtney...and it was more like we will see you again than goodbye which is always easier. Brent and Courtney will be getting Tabitha's new website up and running and managing it from the States so they plan to continue being involved as much as possible.

I took the opportunity to be able to capture a photo with Mama Gail and Izzy. These two want no attention brought to themselves...as you can see in the photo Mama Gail wouldn't even look at the camera :) and Izzy tried everything to get out of it...but they couldn't say no to Brent and Courtney...and I took advantage of that!

Mama Gail is a nurse and the founder of Tabitha ministries. She is the one holding miracle baby Seth. Over 14 years ago, she responded to God's call to go into the communities surrounding Pietermaritzburg. Upon working in the communities, Gail began to realize that God was asking more from her than a day or two of service. As she was visiting the homes of the sick, God birthed in her the idea of training local women to serve as caregivers to people dying in the community. Gail's heart told her that if these people were going to have a fighting chance they would have to learn to care for themselves and not become dependent on outsiders. That revelation didn't allow her to lay aside her role in the ministry instead she gave up most everything because of it. She knew God was calling her to be involved and in her words, she is quite terrified of not being obedient to the Lord. She left the comforts of her job in the hospital and began to pray and fast for God to raise up workers. God, starting with Zanele, began to bring the workers to her. She accompanied them on in-house visits and began to train them how to offer basic care. Everything that Tabitha has become has been a result of this group of courageous women. As they visited the homes of the sick they would report back to Gail what they were finding. Out of taking care of the sick and dying, the children began to come. The majority of the children here at the orphanage have no remaining relatives and she has always taken in the sickest of the sick. Gail is an incredible visionary. She examined each new problem and has tried as best as she could to address it. As more and more people die, more and more children are left orphaned. They of course cannot all be housed here. That is her vision for the Tabitha Community Center. She is in the process of building a center in Sweetwaters that God gave her a vision for 15 years ago. It will be a place of safety for the community and the children. It will be able to hold children that are in immediate danger and those sickest among the people. Only one room is currently built and is now used for training the caretakers and people of the community and is also where they hold programs for the children of the community. She refuses to go into debt and only builds as they have funds. That said, the first thing she had the contractors do is lay the foundation for the entire center. It serves as a promise to herself and those who work with her that she plans on seeing things through. Currently they provide uniforms to 3,000 kids because she heard that they would be kicked out of school and left home alone during the day. She uses local seamstresses to create the uniforms to provide income back into the community. She is a woman of unbelievable faith. She told us that Tabitha it not normal. Instead of doing campaigns for donations, they fast and pray. The first three months of each year is a staff wide fast. They break up the days and someone on staff fasts every day. Once that is over, they have a 12 hour fast once a month. She says that Jesus has never let her down and she has nothing in her that believes He ever will. Only a couple of people in this ministry are even paid. The caretakers (both hospice and of the children) all work for a monthly food stipend and bus fare into the city. The most anyone on this staff makes is the equivalent of $15 a day. They work very long and very hard days. To put that in perspective, the cost of most things here isn't any less than back home. A tank of gas here still costs around $45. Unlike any person we have ever met, this saint prays and honestly expects God to do what He says He will do in taking care of what He wants done. She only sees herself as a pawn in His hand. We kissed 30 kids goodnight tonight that are alive simply because she said yes to God. There is no way to estimate how many hundreds of kids in the community are still alive because of her obedience. Her life is evidence that one person can make a tremendous impact.

Izzy has been with the ministry for the past 10 years. What Zanele is to the community of Sweetwaters, Izzy is to this orphanage. She also is one of the most selfless people I have ever met. When she first felt God call her into ministry to children, she didn't believe herself capable, particularly when it came to such sick children. However, she was obedient and now lives in the orphanage in a bedroom right next door to the children's' rooms and has for the past 10 years. This meager little room is considered to be a large part of her compensation. Honestly, that is so whacked up from my normal way of thinking. We tend (at least I do) to think 'what am I going to get out of this?' She gets a humble room and 24 hour child duty and what does she get as payment? Her payment is that humble room and 24 hour child duty. She has no vehicle. She takes every Thursday afternoon off and walks to a friends house for coffee. Otherwise, she is with these children literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. I know how overwhelmed I get with my own children and asked her if she ever just wanted to run away. She said "Oh yes, I fire myself at least 3 times a week. Then one of them smiles at me and I think...okay, I can do this for one more day." She is unbelievable. I have never heard her raise or voice or get angry...she is loving, gentle and kind. Even though she has to be beyond exhausted, she continues to love these children and love the Lord. She puts together all the bible programs for the children here and the children in the community of Sweetwaters, supervises the other caretakers of the children, helps Gail with administrative tasks...her jobs are too numerous to list...and beyond that, everyone here just steps in when they see that something needs to be done no matter whose "job" it is. She is currently in the process of adopting this little cutie...Ester (age 3)

Izzy is an amazingly strong and inspiring woman to say the least.

After all the goodbyes were said, we left to take Brent and Courtney to the airport. Last photo with them before they left....

It has been blessing upon blessing being here with them. I am so thankful for the privilege and opportunity God gave us in coming...we have been blessed in so many ways. I love that about the Lord also...when you try to bless someone, you end up with just as much or more of a blessing yourself. It was such a joy to be able to share this time with them. I think for them it has meant so much to know that someone from back home will be able to get and understand what they have been through...that they will have someone to talk to about the emotion of it all. They love these children and this place deeply and I know that God will continue to comfort their hearts as they grieve over missing this place. He has a special plan for those two...they love the Lord and desire for their lives to bring glory to Him. It is a privilege to know them. We love them deeply and will miss them our last couple of days here.

Day 6

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 15:05:00 +0000

We went back into the community of Sweetwaters early this morning to do a program with some of the children at Tabitha's community center. We got there around 8:30 and there were already children lined up everywhere. It is strange to see so many children just walking around unattended. It is unlike anything I have ever seen...there are literally children everywhere...lining the busy streets coming into the community, children carrying children, children even sitting around outside the local "pub"...all unattended and many very,very small. A sweet 18 year old girl named Pucks went with us this morning to tell the children a bible story...

She is a beautiful girl with a sweet spirit and has been volunteering with Tabitha for a couple of months now. She was so very good with the children. After she finished, all the children formed a line and we handed out sandwiches (over 20 loaves of PB&J to be exact), cookies and a sweetie (piece of candy). News of food spreads fast and as our sandwiches started to run out and the line kept going, we had to tear them into 1/4's but thanks be to Jesus we had something to give to every child. There were around 200 children there this morning and we were the only adults anywhere in sight except for these 3 sweet gogo's (Zulu for grandmother)...

They are remarkable women...they all have children and grandchildren living in their homes and also help look after the children of the community. They also are hospice caretakers and have volunteered with Zanela and Tabitha ministry for many years. They are lovely amazing women. After the children were fed, we painted their faces with a paint crayon...literally for almost 2 hours...the majority of these children have absolutely nothing and are appreciative for anything. At one point the tip of my crayon broke and landed in the dirt. I told the child that picked it up that he could keep it and you would have thought I had given some extravagant gift. It is beyond heartbreaking. Today was our last day to go into the community and I won't allow myself to think that I might never go back there.

I have so many pictures of the children that I couldn't pick which ones to share. I created a video slide but I cannot get it to upload...so frustrating but hopefully tomorrow I can get it to work...I'm too tired to try anymore. Here is a picture of the group as a whole...it doesn't capture their spirit but it'll have to work for now...the majority of these precious kids are children from child-headed households...babies looking after babies...

We finished at the community center around lunch time and headed back to the orphanage.

Brent and Courtney had previously asked permission for us to take the kids on an outing. We took the 4 year olds first. We loaded them in the back of the truck (apparently legal here) and took them to McDonald's for ice cream. The kids rarely get to go on outings...maybe once every 3 months. They have been so excited waiting for it! Once they got their cones we quickly saw they must have never gotten these before. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Notice in the picture of Mandla below...he chomped off the entire end of his ice cream first. Everyone of them had ice cream everywhere! It was really kind of eye opening to see them out of their natural environment. Considering their backgrounds there is much

comfort and security in the routine of their everyday. Several of the little ones were scared to go into the restroom when they heard the dryers that you use after washing your hands. They need extra reassurance that everything is okay and that you are with them. Even going out of the playground, it was new and they were unsure what to do. Once we encouraged them that it was safe and fun and showed them exactly how to climb up to the slide and come down they enjoyed it. But after just a few times they were ready to go. I didn't really realize the emotional drain that just encountering something new would take. It was such a sweet time with these little ones. On the way back we turned up the music and they loved it...we made sure everyone stayed on their bums though. :) Spending this time with them once again reminded me of just how much ingratitude is in my own life and how something as simple as a trip for ice cream to a child like this is a rarity.

As soon as we dropped the 4 year olds off we picked up the 5 to 8 year olds and took them bowling...imagine taking 13 children bowling! They have been so excited all week and anytime one of them would slip and say something about it another would correct them and say "shhh, we mustn't let the toddlers know." Check out Jason and Brent in the Toyota Venture...

We have gotten more laughs out of that vehicle. Jason said at one point he almost stuck his feet out the door and attempted to drive it like the Flintstones. This vehicle is known in the community for offering help and assistance. We crammed all 18 people into two vehicles and off we went...Tabitha only has these two vehicles and it is amazing to see how many people they can manage to fit into them. The big kids did so well and were so excited about bowling.

Jason teaching Lulu to bowl.

Me and Zethembe. He is 8 years old and the oldest child here. He is very smart and definitely takes on a leadership role with the other children. It is very sweet how they all watch out for one another.

Sihle (pronounced Sea-clay) and Nqobile

Nqobile kept breaking out his dance moves. This little guy makes me laugh constantly. He loves to dance and says he'll be a male model when he grows up. He is full of life and extremely outgoing.

We finally whipped everyone out...including ourselves and headed back home. We all had so much fun. It was definitely the longest and most exhausting day here so far, but worth every single second of it.

Tonight is Brent and Courtney's last night here so we ended the day with dinner out. It has been such a blessing being here with them...such a great day...going to bed extremely grateful tonight.

Day 5

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:41:00 +0000

Every morning here starts off with a time of prayer and worship. It includes every person that plays a part in the orphanage and is a mixture of Zulu and English. Usually just the younger children come but this morning all the children were included. It is a sweet, sweet time of singing, dancing and prayer…

This morning we traveled back into the community of Sweetwaters. Tabitha ministries does training once a month for the hospice caregivers…also anyone in the community is welcome because basically everyone in the community provides that type of care whether it falls under the umbrella of Tabitha or not. They meet in the future home of Tabitha community center…as of now only one room in the building is complete but they trust God to provide the remainder. Courtney talked to the women this morning about how to give a sponge bath, how to massage the body to increase circulation, and ways to help Tuberculosis patients breathe better. These women were so thankful and so willing to learn. They were like sponges. Whenever she would say something of particular interest they would all lean forward and give a long “Ooohhh!” I realized basic education is something that I have always taken for granted as I watched these women take earnest notes on the simple task of how to bathe someone properly. Prejudice would have you to think that people like this deserve their fate, but I do not think anyone who has ever been given the privilege of access to education, proper nutrition and medical care, and just what we as humans deem to be the basic necessities of life have any right to make a judgement about someone who has not.

Below are some pictures of the ladies from today that volunteer as hospice caregivers with Tabitha. They all report to Zanela ( the amazing lady I spoke of yesterday) and as I said about Zanela…no one is paid…they receive a monthly food stipend that honestly any one of us would turn our noses up at…but it is the way they can keep their families from starving. These people are so receptive and very appreciative. Before we left they asked us to tell them about ourselves and where we were from. They were so funny when we told them that we had been married for 11 years and had 3 children...they just kept on clapping and were so delighted...and we told them that we felt God had brought us here to meet them for a purpose...that He sees their suffering and hears their cry for help...that they were a beautiful people and it has been a privilege for us to meet them...many of them raised their hands to the sky and kept repeating Siyabonga, Siyabonga which means thank you, thank you.

Most of the caregivers are older but they try to find younger women to help also...the caregivers do not have vehicles and have to walk the hilly countryside to check on patients...the distances they walk can be quite far and many times they will walk the long distance only to find that the person has died or else has been taken to the hospital for critical care.

These photos make me laugh so I wanted to share them. Whenever anyone sees my camera, they want me to take their picture and then they want to have a look at themselves. This sweet lady on the right was so funny...I'd say one...two...three...smile and this was the look she'd give. When I showed her she said "oh no,no"...it took three tries but we finally got a good one!! :)

After the training we returned back to the orphanage and just hung out with the kids. Brent and Courtney leave on Sunday so all the team made a surprise lunch to go ahead and officially say how much they have enjoyed having them this past two months. Mama Gail made a speech and then one of the Zulu women starting singing a prayer song and dancing and one by one every single person and all the children came by to hug us and officially say goodbye. I do not know how Courtney and Brent did not fall in the floor weeping...I started crying at the thought of leaving here and I literally have only been here for four days... these children and this place have captured my heart like I would not have thought possible. They asked Jason "Baba, why is mama crying? Why is tears coming from her eyes?" These children are pure sweetness. Pray for Courtney and Brent...it is going to be extremely difficult for them to leave on Sunday.

These are some of the sweet women and Brent and Courtney taken at lunch today. These women are some of the caretakers of the children. The majority of these women live in Sweetwaters. None of them are paid...they all work for the monthly food stipend and also get bus fare for the ride into the city.

We got to spend the rest of the night with the kids. It is amazing to see how these women manage to get 30 children ready for bed so efficiently. It was a sweet night of bedtime prayers and tucking the kids in. Speaking of sweetness…I’ve been dying to introduce some of the kids to you…

Meet Nzuzo (pronounced Zuzu) and Seth...

I wanted to share these sweet little ones first because many of you back home have already prayed for them. Zuzu is 3 and Seth is 7 months old. About a month ago God brought these two little ones across the path of Tabitha ministries. Their mother has AIDS and suffers from mental distress. She buried Zuzu in the ditch up to his neck in the front yard and laid Seth beside him on a blanket. A neighbor eventually heard them crying and found them and someone got them to the hospital. When Gail received a call from the hospital Seth was in critical condition and not expected to make it. On a Tuesday approximately two weeks ago he had a serious lung surgery and was placed on a ventilator with little likelihood of surviving...3 days later he was brought home to Tabitha. He is thriving and getting stronger daily. It is amazing to see the improvements he has made just since we have been here. There is no denying that our God is still very much a God of miracles.

Meet Nqobile (pronounced No-bee-lay) and Moppie....

I love these little guys. Nqobile is 6 and Moppie is 4. These little boys mother died of AIDS and were left with only their father. They are unsure of the abuse they suffered but eventually their father brought them to Tabitha. When they arrived Moppie was healthy but Nqobile was malnourished and had obviously been abused and suffered much trauma. If anyone looked him in the eye he would scream uncontrollably. Gail said it was terrible for many months until she reached the point that she didn’t know what she was going to do. She went in one night while he was sleeping and stood over him and prayed. She said after a while he opened his eyes, looked up at her and smiled. She says since that night he has been a completely different child and considers that as only one of countless miracles that the Lord has performed for these children. If you were to meet these two little boys you would not know the horrendous things they have lived through. They are happy and funny and full of life. It is the case with every child. What this ministry has done with these children is amazing. Some of them have slight behavior issues but none any more than the average child. That has been the most surprising thing to me while being here. They are well behaved, well mannered and well adjusted kids. They look out for one another and take care of each other. They are very happy and loving and kind children.

Meet Emmi....

She is pure sunshine. When you walk in the room her little eyes light up and she immediately begins to chatter loudly and gets so excited. Emmi is 7 months old. Emmi was found abandoned at a bus station. Someone eventually took her to the hospital and that is where she was when Gail found her. Gail was actually at the hospital to check on Seth. She was told that no one would claim this child and asked if she would consider taking her in. She said that she took one look into those eyes and couldn't walk away from her...and you can certainly understand why.

I'll be sharing more about the children, I just wanted to give you at least a few faces so you could see why this place and these children are so special. It has been a privilege to be here with these children and this people. I am so thankful to God for the opportunity to be here and so very thankful that I have seen John 14:18 lived out daily..."I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."

"I will proclaim the name of our Lord. Oh praise the greatness of our God!"

Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 13:26:00 +0000

About 2 months ago as our family was preparing to go on vacation I ordered some books to read while on the beach. One of them was a book by Tom Davis, the founder of Children’s Hope Chest, called Red Letters, Living a Faith that Bleeds. I had no idea what the book was about other than the title grabbed my attention. I remember sitting on the beach and opening it up. I quickly saw that the majority of the book was devoted to the global AIDS pandemic and the injustices carried out because of it and the lack of response from people…particularly the lack of involvement from people of faith…people who profess to walk and live as Jesus did. Honestly, it was a great book, but I clearly remember thinking that I probably would have never read it had I known what it was about. I had never known anyone with AIDS and I probably never would and honestly I remember thinking “What’s this book got to do with my life?” Just a month after reading that book and making that statement, I am surrounded by AIDS. It is just one more example to me of the Sovereignty of God. It is further reassurance that God has a plan for our lives…the Word says “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’S purpose that prevails.”

I do not have adequate words to describe today…horrific and unfathomable do not seem to do it justice. We left the orphanage this morning to make the short trek into the rural community of Sweetwaters where many of the children that live here have come from. I had tried to prepare myself for what we would see, but when you live the life that I do, that isn’t really possible. I am having a difficult time even trying to communicate it, but I will do my best because these peoples stories deserve to be told and I believe one of the reasons God brought me here was so that I could in some way be a voice for them. My voice is only one and the devastation so catastrophic it feels the equivalent of trying to speak to a million people without a microphone. My words have no power or authority but I know that the One who lives in me has all authority and power and I pray that He would speak through these words that I type.

Just a warning....this post is long and is disturbing.

This is a picture of one of the child-headed households we visited today. The inside of the house consists of 4 rooms...2 of which are completely empty and covered in some type of animal excrement. One room contains a small tin basin used for bathing and a makeshift fire pit for cooking. The other room has one torn up couch and makeshift chairs.There are 6 children living in this house with the oldest one being only 15 years old. The youngest child, a little girl only 7, was raped last month. Because of her distress they put her on what they call "mental drugs". You cannot take this medication along with ARV's (Anti-retroviral medication) because they counteract each other. Also, ARV's are not effective if not taken properly and you can imagine that with children left in charge that would be the case. If you notice the mounds in this picture...they are graves...these children's mother, father, 2 sisters and brother are buried in their front yard. I cannot imagine having to walk by those graves every single day and the hopelessness of not being able to escape the reality of it. The house is not safe for them to stay in at night so all 6 children sleep next door in the neighbors home.

This picture is of a house that consists of a grandmother living with 14 children. There was a bad storm and the roof fell in. Some people of the community tried to help but they have little resources to use in the first place. They told me they pray and wait for help. The following pictures are of their entire possessions...a table with dishes, fire pit that is used as a stove, and a container of clothing in the corner...and probably the most disturbing is the "pantry"...literally only half a head of lettuce and some almost rotten potatoes....for a family of 14...

Through these doors lived a family of 7. When we walked in, there was someone lying on the floor completely covered by a blanket wheezing and making a terrible sound...she was a 21 year old girl...close to death dying from tuberculosis and AIDS. Sitting on a mattress in the far corner was a grandmother and small child, another woman with a little boy tied to her back, and an older girl nursing a 2 week old baby. Gail, a nurse and the founder of Tabitha Ministries, gave the sick girl some type of breathing treatment and an additional bottle of medicine. It would have been impossible for them to get her to the nearest clinic and without the medicine she would have likely died within the next couple of days. We prayed for the girl and left them with an AIDS bucket. The grandmother was so appreciative and kept saying thank you, thank you, thank you (in Zulu) and lifted her hands up to the sky.

This is Herrana. She has full blown AIDS and her only living relative left is a grandson. When we walked up the hill to her house she was literally laying on a cot on the ground outside of the house. Her grandson is in school and since she has no one remaining to care for her she is taken care of by her neighbor, Constance. That is Constance sitting beside her on the mat. They were so funny when I asked if it was okay to take their photo...they happily posed and then wanted to see what they looked like. We delivered an AIDS bucket to her also (given through Global Baptist Relief) consisting of a blanket, sheets, socks, washcloth, toothbrush, soap, and Vaseline and prayed over her. She was so grateful and kept saying (again, in Zulu) oh wow, thank you, thank you, wow, oh thank you. This woman was beautiful and I cannot explain the emotions that welled up inside of me over the injustice and the feeling that no one should have to die in this way.

This is a shot of the community of Sweetwaters. Literally there isn't a house here that has not been affected by this disease. The AIDS rate is 50%. House after house filled with graves, children unattended and people dying. There is no economic opportunity here so to find work people must leave the community. As people have gotten sick with AIDS they return home to Sweetwater to die. There is no longer any family structure left here. Rape is prevalent against not only the vulnerable children but also the elderly women. Food is scarce and death is everywhere. It is a catastrophic situation and there is no direction to turn to find safety or relief. There are approximately 6000 children living in child-headed households. Tabitha furnished uniforms for 3000 children to attend one of the schools but we were told that there are at least 4000 children that are not able to attend school. Tabitha has several Zulu women who volunteer as either "mobile moms"....women who check on the situation of the children in child-headed households once a week and "hospice caretakers"...these women are not nurses but have been trained by Gail to be able to check in on the AIDS patients and offer basic help and report back to Tabitha if the need is severe. Meet an amazing and heroic woman named Zanele....

This women is extraordinary. She is the lady that we went around with today to make these home visits. She is in her late 30's and has been with Tabitha ministries since they began caring for victims of AIDS in the community. She is married and she and her husband have close to 30 children of the community living with them. She checks on as many children as she can and also makes daily visits to check on AIDS victims. She literally know the names and ages and situations of at least 300 of the children that live around her. Zanele is not paid but merely receives a food stipend to help provide for her family. She tells me that she used to have a group of believers of about 15 but now only she is left. There is no church here so it is extremely hard because she says that even if someone comes to believe in Jesus it is so easy to fall away because there is no discipleship or teaching and the person is usually drawn back into their cultural tradition. There are not adequate words to describe her life and her selflessness. After she came out of a house today of a child that had just passed away I asked her how she did it every single day. She said it is hard but it must be done. There is no one here to help and it is everywhere. She says since Tabitha has started doing a one day a month retreat it has helped...this is a day when all the caretakers gather at the center for worship and prayer...she says it is during this day that she lets it all out and gives it to the Lord. Please pray for Zanele...that God would give her strength and encouragement.

House after house and story after story today all speak of unbelievable suffering and injustice. Gail and Zanele even said later that they did not take us anywhere really bad because they did not want us to see anything too terrible. Back at home we have the choice of whether to look at these things or not...if something becomes too uncomfortable we can push it aside and distract ourselves from it and really not have to think about it again. These people do not have that luxury. The stirring that God has been doing in my heart was confirmed for me today... Given the opportunity to step back from my life, I am able to clearly see how selfish I am and how much my life is defined by my own comfort and security. Given the opportunity to be around those who give all of themselves for the sake of Christ and for another, I am able to clearly see how little of myself I do give. To follow Christ means we actually follow Him...wherever He leads and whatever He asks... no matter the cost...

Please pray for this people group...it is beyond overwhelming and the needs of the people here far outweigh what this ministry team can accomplish...apart from Jesus, this situation is beyond hopeless...In Psalm 9:18 He promises "But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish." Praise be to the Living God, the Defender of the weak and needy, the Sustainer of the weary, HOPE is alive because of Him.

"Let them know that You, whose name is the Lord-that You alone are the Most High over all the earth."

Day 2 and 3

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 21:47:00 +0000

We arrived yesterday around 10:30 a.m. and Brent and Courtney were at the airport waiting for us...it was so good to see them! I think the feeling was mutual as they were so excited to see faces from home and we talked nonstop the hour drive to the orphanage. It was so cool to hear from them the work that God is doing here and the work that He is doing individually in their lives through this experience.

Once we got to the center the children were all eating lunch so we unpacked our things and waited for the opportunity to meet them. Here's a picture of our humble abode.....

Check out the twin beds :) The ministry team here have been so very gracious to make us feel welcome and provide for us. They are an amazing and selfless group of people whom have devoted their lives to these children and this community and I can't wait to share some more about them.

Oh my goodness...the children. I did not know it was possible to fall in love so fast. These kids are beautiful and loving and have captured mine and Jason's heart. I cannot wait to share all about them. We spent the afternoon with them just trying to get to know one another. These children have faced unfathomable situations and they are happy and well adjusted...a testament to the work of the staff and caregivers. It deserves being said again...the people that care for these children are AMAZING and are a model to living a life of sacrifice.

After spending some time with the kids, we went with Brent and Courtney to an African Braai (Barbecue). It was such an encouragement to us and evidence again of how faithful God is to provide for us. Within their first couple of weeks here, they found a church that they loved and immediately joined what they call a cell group. It was such an encouragement to meet these people...all in their mid 20's and all passionate about their faith and their walk with Christ. This is Brent and Courtney's last week here so before we left they all joined around them and prayed for them and asked God to grow and multiply the work that they have done here. They have been a tremendous blessing and support to them while here and so cool for us to see people their age earnestly and without apology walking out a faith that is alive and active.

After that, we came back to the orphanage and attempted to sleep (they have a crazy rooster that cock a doodles all night). This morning we had a time of prayer and worship with the entire ministry team. It was a little piece of what I imagine Heaven to be. Many of the caregivers are Zulu so the majority of our songs and prayer were in a language I could not understand. I closed my eyes and drank it all in...in awe of the One whom is worthy of worship from every tribe, every tongue and every color. It was a sacred moment and one I will not forget. I was especially moved by one of the elderly women that is a caretaker here. She was holding Seth, a little boy only 7 months old, left as an orphan with HIV. She sang praise to God as she lovingly held that little boy close to her heart. She was such a picture of Jesus...and such a picture of the stark reality for many of the people here.

Later on, we went to a training for one of the schools. It was a puppet show for children ages 3 to 11 educating them of the care that must be taken with the AIDS virus. Here are a few of the kids from the school...it is actually a school that is a part of the ministry here that consists of some of the kids from the community but they also pick up some of the children from the child-headed households in Sweetwaters...

It was extremely eye-opening to hear a three year old speak of death and AIDS. My own children have never heard of this disease and to be honest I've never really given it much thought myself until now. But it is everyday life for these children. It is devastating and has robbed many of them of almost everything.

So many people from back home were so kind to send things for the kids. We actually had to check 2 extra very big suitcases just to get it all here...It's wintertime here so we gave them hats this afternoon. These children are so very appreciative and grateful....and i'll say it again, BEAUTIFUL. The crazy (in a good way) knitting women of Hot Heads went to work big time to get me hats and sent us with many, many hats for the children. They were so very excited and kept asking..."For me? Just for me? I get to keep it?" I'll leave you with some funny pics of some of the kids....and I thought it was hard to get my three to all look at the camera....

If you're wondering what the polka dot vests are, they are fleece. The orphanage does not have heat and it is a way to keep the children warm. I must get sleep...South Africa is 7 hours ahead of back home which makes it 1:00 a.m. for me here! Can't wait to share with you tomorrow...

Day 1

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 13:34:00 +0000

This picture is from yesterday afternoon right before we left from Jackson. We are now in Frankfurt, Germany and the first leg of our trip is over....a great big woohoo! Our next connecting flight leaves for Johannesburg, South Africa this afternoon and then we have to hop one more flight to Durban and should get to Sweetwater sometime on Tuesday...I'm so confused by the time difference :) All I know is that I am ready to be there!

Yesterday was so emotional for me. There is something very unsettling about being so far away from my children. We were out at Jason's parents for the wedding so my mom and sister came out there to pick up the kids. Before we left, all the women in the family migrated to the kitchen and we had a pitiful crying fest. There is something so fragile about a mother's heart...how we are called to love our children so deeply but yet hold on to them loosely...I find this almost impossible. After watching my mother-in-love let go of her youngest son this weekend and then my added emotions of being separated from my own children, it solidifies how precious our time is together and how quickly our lives go by...how precious and fragile life is and how we are not guaranteed even our next breath. I wish I lived day to day in that realization...savoring every last second as if it might be the last and not taking life for granted...because in reality I don't know how many breaths I have or the ones I love have left.

In thinking about this this last week, the Lord brought something else to my mind. God has already been drawing my heart to the orphan, but He has used this past week to draw my heart to the mothers of those children. I'm not trying to be morbid, but in leaving my kids I was comforted by the fact that if something did happen to myself and Jason then my children would be surrounded by people that loved them and I knew would take care of them. I cannot imagine the anguish and despair of the mothers that for whatever reason can no longer take care of their children. I think about the mother dying of AIDS that doesn't just have to face the reality of death but also the reality of leaving her children with no one to care for them. I think about the mother that has children that are literally starving and she lives in such poverty that she is helpless to meet even their basic needs. I recently read a story that has haunted me. It was of a mother in Uganda that brews and sells alcohol to be able to buy food to support her family. When no one buys her alcohol she is forced to bring the mash home and feed it to her children. She literally makes her children drunk to curb their hunger pains. My mind can barely fathom such desperation. I wonder why I was born into such privilege and why I so selfishly take my life and the things I've been given for granted when so many other people literally have nothing. I don't have an answer...But I am thankful for the opportunity that I have been given to go and love on some of these children that no longer have a mother. In some small way, I feel like in wrapping that child in my arms their mothers will be honored and I can do some small part to wrong such an injustice.

Quick Update

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 13:00:00 +0000

This week has been BUSY! I feel like I have been running in a million different directions...I am so excited to be leaving for South Africa in only 3 short days...yet sad to be leaving my kiddos and all the emotions that come along with that. I have been packing, buying school supplies, attempting to coordinate schedules, cleaning and just trying to make sure everything will be covered while we're away...AND before we can even step foot on that plane Sunday, we have an entire wedding weekend marathon ahead of us! My brother-in-love is getting a sweet wife and my entire family of 5 are in the wedding on Saturday...like I said...craziness... but so very thankful for the blessing of being surrounded by so many family and friends before we leave. It's getting close...woohoo!!!!

Love in action...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:29:00 +0000

"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had."

The Lord just gave the sweetest blessing. I just received a call from a sweet, sweet friend telling me that she had a yard sale this past weekend...and she wanted me to have all the money she made to go toward our trip to Africa!! Seriously... how awesome is that! GOD IS SO GOOD! I think of the work that she had to put into that and then the selflessness of then giving all of the benefit away. I am humbled by her gift. I am so grateful for the Lord's provision and thankful for the precious heart of the one that He used to be the body of Christ in my life today...thankful that He reached right down from Heaven and touched me through the love of another. Thank you sweet friend for being a physical manifestation of the love of Jesus to me tonight. I am one blessed girl.

"Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 15:5-6

A lesson on love...

noreply@blogger.com (Brandy Hester...) — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 19:28:00 +0000

I wanted to share a story that God used to teach me of His love...

A while back I was sitting in the front yard with my youngest child watching him ride his bike. At one point, he stopped riding and started picking up rocks off of the street. He ran up to me and excitedly yelled, "Mama, close your eyes!!" I leaned forward expectantly and closed my eyes waiting to receive my latest treasure. He then exclaimed, "Open!" His sweet little face was beaming as he handed me a pile of asphalt and said "I love you to the moon and back mommy." That little pile of asphalt rocks was such a sweet gift to this mama. Of course, it wasn't the rocks that captivated me so but the heart behind the rocks. God immediately spoke into my heart and allowed me to see the parallel.

I had no need for asphalt rocks. If I had needed some, I had full access to them...my street was full of them and I could have easily gone and gotten them for myself. In the same way, the Sovereign Creator and Sustainer of all things doesn't really need anything that I have to give to Him. In the grand scheme of things, what I offer up to Him must look just like those dirty little rocks. But how His heart must be warmed when He looks past the offering and sees the heart that offers it instead.

After seeing how much I loved my rock gift, Hayes then proceeded to collect rocks for the next hour. I am not exaggerating...literally three minutes would not pass without him running up to me with another rock and exclaiming "I love you even more!" His little blond curls were drenched in sweat as he worked himself into near exhaustion.

God allowed me to see the parallel in my own life...the years I had spent working my own self into exhaustion trying to earn His love when all the while He loved me with such pure and perfect love.This comparison was huge to me. One of the major false beliefs that the Lord had to overcome in my life was that His love for me was based on my behavior. This involved sin on my part in not believing the Truth of what He promises, but was also linked to my past experience of love being conditional. Before I experienced the gift of pure and perfect love, I struggled with intense feelings of worthlessness. The Bible tells us that "all of our righteous deeds are like filthy garments." I always fell miserably short...God knew I always would...that's why He sent Jesus. I was trying to earn the very love that Jesus hung on the cross to freely give me.

I finally had to sit Hayes in my lap and explain to him that I loved him so much...I wouldn't love him any more or any less if he never gave me another rock...I loved him just for who he was...As I spoke those words to him my Heavenly Father spoke them to me as well. I made Hayes lay all those rocks down and snuggle up in my lap and rest. In that moment, as I sat there holding Hayes, I knew that my Heavenly Father was holding me and asking me to do the same...

Whenever I find myself doubting His love for me or I begin to struggle with those old feelings, I immediately know I've reverted back to old patterns of trying to earn the Lord's love. I repent and thank Him for loving me with such unconditional love. That's what makes His love so perfect...it has nothing to do with me but everything to do with Him. It's who He is...GOD IS LOVE...pure, perfect, untainted love...and once you experience that nothing else will ever satisfy.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."