Nine Lives

Reflections on My Day 9 of the Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge

2011-02-04T22:21:00.002+08:00

Time February 3, 2011 at 6:48 am

I’m catching up with Day 9 although I see the Day 11 link in my Inbox already! : )

I think I have to do this again and again until I feel “whole” about it… I got stopped twice when the audio stopped right after the part on sending metta to loved ones… buffering trouble I guess.

So while letting the audio buffer, I read through the comments and I felt affirmed that my sudden welling up in tears is shared by many! That’s why I feel like I have to do this over and over until I’m completely “washed clean”.

I’m using this audio pause to say thank you to all here for sharing this journey, and to Chopra Center and davidji and our many guides here, for facilitating! Abundant blessings!

*******

Time February 4, 2011 at 5:37 am

This has so far been the biggest challenge for me. After my attempts last night, I found that I could not finish the meditation (not only because of the slow buffering time, but even later when it was completed buffered.)

There was a hesitation in me, my heart was balking at being given the spotlight! So I decided to sleep it off and return again today.

The whole day today was a very emotional day though. I woke up feeling very troubled about a close relationship I have now. I’ve always thought this was the best relationship I’ve had so far, but this morning, insights came at me fast, insights about how I’m giving too much of my self into this relationship actually, without getting the equivalent back. It made me see how my current relationship is really not much different from previous ones, and I was very very bothered by what I suddenly saw with my heart!

I wept and grieved at the sudden realizations and my heart broke with my deep, heavy sobs!

Is this an expected effect of a metta meditation? By focusing on one’s heart, one’s heart actually fully reveals itself and all its hardy outer shells fall away?

Anyway, after a heavy morning of grieving and sobbing, my head became clearer and I could see better with more than just my physical eyes, but my heart’s eyes now, and I was able to go through the rest of my day very serenely.

So tonight, I just did (and completed) the metta meditation again, as I felt I was ready to do it now. (I faced it with a sort of resolute grimness though :> )

Tears still flowed when I finally did this meditation fully, especially in the part where one had to send metta/bless those whom one feels has hurt one. But, this time, my heart felt softer, less crusty, more magnanimous.

I realized that what I thought was a long-healed and very open and magnanimous heart was actually still hurting and breaking so, and even closed so, from years of denial and bypassing, that my way of giving too much without expecting anything in return was a form of control, and denial of my own heart’s value and needs.

I will need to do this Day 9 metta meditation over and over again until my heart is set aright again.

So this is both a very challenging and enlightening meditation for me, to realize that I finally must pay full attention to and respect and listen to my heart, without denial or judgment or selective attention.

Thank you for this difficult and painful but most enlightening and enriching meditation. I will move on to Days 10 to 12 now but I will keep coming back here until I get this right, until I do right by my heart, at last.

sitting down with me

2010-08-21T07:31:00.000+08:00

sitting down with me
hugging my self
while i wonder:
am i still part
of your new life now?

sitting down with me
studying my heart:
both happy for you
and envious
of your happiness--
how can that be?

voices from the past

2010-08-13T16:52:00.002+08:00

hurtful words i suddenly remember from a lifetime ago (just when i was about to take my nap... these revelations always come when i'm about to sleep/ have just woken up!)--

Papa: "No man would ever take you for his wife, you're too smart for your own good!"

The Ex: (his parting words before I left him): "(I did you a favor by marrying you.) No man would ever want you for his wife, you're too much to handle, too crazy!"

: ( : ( : (

and the tears just finally flowed.

and flowed.

***

it's interesting that they come at a time like this when i'm growing in love and commitment to B ...

maybe they have finally come up for healing, huh...

only now when i'm strong enough again to take them... and now when i know better.

the ways of the soul are mysterious, indeed...

these moments

2009-02-26T09:38:00.004+08:00

these moments come unbidden, but usually when i'm surprisingly alone and not surrounded by the kids, my colleagues, students, or just people in general.

these moments where I think I am really really tired of this world now, exhausted, weary, and I just want to go Home... and then I weep silently and secretly for my self.

if it were not for the children, I'd really want to die now, peacefully, in bed, just after a good night's sleep.

i have planted my trees, written my books and borne not just a wonderful son but two beautiful daughters as well--wonderful and beautiful inside and out--have loved and lost and loved again and only grown finer, stronger, wiser and more beautiful from them.

what is there left for me to do, except to see my children through until they can go on on their own?

sometimes i wonder if i am just experiencing lingering grief and depression from Papa's and Mama's passing around a year ago... but then i remember that i started feeling this way even before they were hospitalized and later died.

i actually started feeling this way around the middle of my self-imposed sabbatical in 2007, when i took a year's unpaid leave off from my university teaching work just to refresh and renew and find out some more about what i'm really about, what my life is about.

a friend would possibly suggest midlife crisis, as im right smack in the middle of 40 ... : ) but i believe i had my midlife crisis much earlier on, at 32-34 when my life was crumbling down and i finally left my marriage to break free and re-start my life 7 years ago.

and my life has only been one big, grand and beautiful adventure and series of triumphs and joys since then. full blossoming, all cylinders on.

still, these moments come.

and i just feel so old and weary and sad... of this world, of human nature, of life in this planet.

so these moments come.

and there is nothing much left to do except to bear them, on the way to fully embracing them someday soon... somehow.

Changes

2009-01-22T11:45:00.003+08:00

shit. i am scared.

i only realize that about my self now.

i meant to write on another blog a copy of my diary list, "How to Stay In Joy/Keep Feeling Good (Because It's the Good Feelings that Attracts the Good Things!), but as i was preparing to write the post, i asked my self why i'm even resurrecting this list of things i've learned now, why it's so important for me that i keep this list... and i realize that it's mainly more as a clear reminder for me of what to be doing when i'm not feeling good, when the anxieties eat up at my confidence and joy and good feelings-- which has been happening a lot lately (since late last year, actually).

i also realized that it's because right now, there are 3 Major Changes happening in my life-- career (closing some doors to open space for a new one), love (is this a deepening... or a disengaging?) and finances (closing off some faucets to focus my energies on opening a new and bigger one, but meanwhile there's the interim transition period to maneuver skillfully...)--and so that's why ive been feeling so constantly anxious lately, despite my best efforts at keeping my good feelings up and in place.

even if these changes are ones i've mostly initiated--or at least, encouraged-- my self, so they are not as if they were thrust upon me like i was a victim, and even if i know, intellectually, how to maneuver through these tricky shoals and i do have a general flexible plan in mind--

still, i feel scared.

oh, i know i'm a terrific survivor, and have survived the worst at a time when i didn't know any better, and i know i can survive and even triumph over these now, as before.

but, still.

it's this interim period of things being in a flux, all up in the air, more darkness than light, that scares me, as i can't do anything much but watch and wait, and discern and wait for my turn to act on the moment.

i feel so helpless, being carried away by Tides bigger than i am.

and in my meditations, God only keeps telling me one thing: "Relax, my child. Relax."

and i am soooo scared shit of relaxing, releasing my hold, and just fully, freely letting go now, on all three Change Subjects (career, love, finances) all at once!

God help me through this.

The One

2008-06-01T05:48:00.005+08:00

i dreamt that i was with Papa and Mama.

i was asked to pour more hot water into Papa's glass of hot water, but when i picked it up, i found out that not only was his glass still full but his water was also still so hot the glass was turning soft and "melty" at the bottom, where my hands held it.

i was afraid i'd spill it or crush the glass altogether and that Papa would get mad at me. he was starting to comment on the obvious without offering any solution (like he did a lot before when he was alive)-- "watch it, you might spill the hot water on me! or worse, you might break the glass!"-- and i was feeling confused and helpless.

suddenly, a hand offered me a bigger, thicker empty glass, where i could not only pour Papa's existing hot water into, but even add more that was asked of me, without fear of spilling hot water into Papa or crushing the glass.

i did just that and i felt happy and triumphant.

i looked up to see who offered me the bigger empty glass.

it was B, quietly standing behind Papa and smiling at me.

i felt very loved and supported and encouraged.

***

i woke up and the first thing i did was to pour hot water into my mug containing a used teabag from last night and which i placed on my bedside table.

as i poured the hot water, i remembered this dream.

and as i wrote this dream down in my journal, the meaning became clear:

my parents wanted me to perform the impossible, and B stepped in, not only to make it possible, but even doable!

what a metaphor.

***

so, B is really The One for me, huh, dear Soul?

: )

Full Circle

2008-05-08T22:23:00.007+08:00

somebody told me once how life is funny: it is precisely when you're moving a quantum leap forward that your past comes back to haunt you, if not to pull you back or pull you down.

well, he didn't exactly say it in those words (they're more mine than his); he wasn't that articulate. : ) but this was the gist.

i've been remembering this lately when people i've long forgotten have been one by one seemingly coming out of the woodwork of my life to contact me and just to say hi, how was i?

most are not really people who were in the mainstream of my life to begin with, so it was easy to forget them in the first place. but, after one contacted me soon after the other, all five of them so far in just one week-- a woman from an IP (indigenous peoples) community i had befriended a couple of years back when i had my class in popular culture visit and interview them; the husband of the husband-and-wife team who were one of our first booth visitors at a Hong Kong trade fair we joined in 2006, and who gave us free tickets to Hong Kong Disneyland; an old high school classmate who emailed me out of the blue (i last talked to her at her wedding, right after high school graduation!) and another old high school classmate who was a Pisces, like me, and who was close before, but whom I also felt sorry for for drowning in Piscean waters instead of swimming like a survivor and a champion....-- i started wondering what the Universe's message was for me in all these.

(by the way, the fifth person is the ex.

some days ago, he surprised me by coming to my home with the kids, and asking if he could sleep over. he just said our son, paolo, asked for him to sleep over, but i soon quickly learned from paolo and the nanny that he had a big fight with his wife. he looked so lost and pained, i felt sorry, so i said yes, he could sleep in the kids' room, while one of the kids slept with me.

the other night, he asked to sleep over again. i said yes, but i also let him know that this cannot go on for long, as he has his own life now, his own wife and his own home.

he has abided with that so far.)

anyway, i have learned that what happens outside only mirrors what is happening to you inside. so, given these "coincidental pattern", i began to wonder if the Universe was trying to tell me something about my "unforgettability" (heehee... well, that was the only thing i could come up with!).

but again, i wondered what the lesson was for me in that, realizing my unforgettability. (so what?)

and then i get this in my DailyOm newsletter today--

A New Level Of Mastery: Coming Full Circle

Life is a circular journey through our issues and processes, and this is why things that are technically new often seem very familiar. It is also why, whenever we work to release a habit, change a pattern, or overcome a fear, we often encounter that issue one last time, even after we thought we had conquered it. Often, when this happens, we feel defeated or frustrated that after all our hard work we are still dealing with the same problem. However, the reappearance of a pattern, habit, or fear, is often a sign that we have come full circle, and that if we can maintain our resolve through one last test, we will achieve a new level of mastery in our lives.

When we come full circle, there is often the feeling that we have arrived in a familiar place, but that we ourselves are somehow different. We know that we can handle challenges that seemed insurmountable when we began our journey, and there is the feeling that we might be ready to take on a new problem, or some new aspect of the old problem. We feel empowered and courageous to have taken on the challenge of stopping a pattern, releasing a habit, or overcoming a fear, and to have succeeded. At times like these, we deserve a moment of rest and self-congratulation before we move on to the next challenge.

Coming full circle is like stepping into a clearing where, for a moment, we can see where we came from and where we are standing at the same time. Remembering that we will be tested again is important, but it’s also important to pause and take a look at the ground we’ve covered, honoring our courage, our persistence, and our achievement. Then we can begin the next leg of our circular journey with a fuller understanding of where we are coming from.

by the way, too, that somebody who told me that observation about the past coming back at precisely the time when you're leaping forward? (he told me that when he wondered why all his past girl friends had suddenly come a-calling just when we were already together)--

he was the ex.

full circle, huh?

and so, i must be moving forward now in leaps and bounds: going back to the same terrain (like a review and a re-test), but with a different me. : )

041908 Flight DL 855 Thoughts

2008-04-27T09:56:00.006+08:00

i miss you
with a fearsome,
terrible,
blinding
ache
i cannot bear.

but, to bear somehow,
i must
stay away,
even act as if
i'm spurning you instead--
for now anyway.

until the ache
subsides
and i can
draw near you
again:

until
self-possessed
i can stand near you
again
without buckling
under the weight
of my own tremulous fears
and need.

i dream of the day
when i can love you
so fully and purely
without fear
nor doubt--

but until then
i can only struggle
to love you
as fully and purely
as i can muster
despite my fears
and self-doubt.

To Love

2008-04-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Not even an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and luxuries, avoid all entanglements and keep it safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S Lewis The Four Loves

in-sight

2008-04-07T03:58:00.001+08:00

the deeper
i fall
the closer
i get
the faster
i run

papa's footprints

2008-03-10T01:51:00.002+08:00

last night i dreamt about Papa.

i saw Honey at the cashier's counter of our bakery, tearful but smiling. i asked her why she was crying/smiling and she pointed to a picture in front of her. it looked like one of those pictures with the lyrics to the song, "Footprints in the Sand", and a picture of a pair of footprints, except that instead of the lyrics, there were words describing Papa's last living moments with us.

i learned somehow that the footprints in the picture were his, and he was "walking with the Lord now", although in little, wobbly steps, but walking still.

Papa's left leg was amputated before he died.

i sense this is Papa's way of letting us know that he is happier, more whole and peaceful wherever he is now, as i woke up feeling good and clear and hopeful too.

dream interpretation

2008-02-04T11:43:00.000+08:00

one current life question i have in my heart is whether to heed the invitation i feel to go back to the family bakery and take care of things again, as well as papa's household, now that he is less equipped to handle the day-to-day demands of the business and all, or to stay where i am, and keep off something i have long ago left behind.

as with most life questions, it isn't really about logistical and practical considerations that weigh on me, although they do too. it's more of the emotional association with the idea, the many heartaches and heartbreaks from getting involved in something that involves papa closely again.

i've done my time for the family and i've carved out a life and even two careers of my own far from the family business, things they can't touch, things he can't touch-- things neither he nor anyone in the family don't have much knowledge and talent in but which i excel at: teaching and writing. i have a good, happy life now with my kids, no thanks to him who took every opportunity to kill my dreams and maim my spirit, or so it seemed to me then (maybe he just wanted to box me in in a world he thought was best for me, is how i think about it now).

so last night i had this dream...

i was walking along a vast field, and it was raining hard, but i trudged on. finally, i came to a small river which was overflowing. crossing it was the only way to get to the other side.

i started wading in, but got scared, when i saw other travellers further along ahead of me get washed away by the strong current, smashed against rocks, or drowned. there were even travellers from the other end, coming back, saying it's not worth it.

still, i gingerly made my way through anyway, clutching at tufts of grass along the river bank, and treading my way through as much as i could, until the waters reached me chest-high, and i just swam the rest of the way through.

i got through the other side, muddy and very wet, but alive and safe, and alone again. and i trudged on.

soon it was noon, and the noonday sun warmed and dried my body, even as it cheered me up. then i met a woman coming from the other side and asked her if there was another way back from where i was going, as i didn't want to have to go through the riverbank ordeal again on my way back.

"sure!", she said. and she walked with me and led me to a dry road where many people where walking, and there were lots of flowers and sun there. "see, you don't have to go back the same way you came," was the last thing she said before i woke up.

***

my interpretation:

i know by now that water always symbolizes emotions in dreams, and the rain and the riverbank apparently mirror back to me how i am right now... soaked in emotions i cannot quite well define, and dreading the prospect of crossing a dangerous river where many people have died from getting smashed against rocks, or from plain drowning.

the latter part of the dream gives me hope, though.

there is another way, a brighter, drier way. : )

and i "don't have to go back the same way i came"!

that last line is the clearest message of all.

thank you, God/Soul, for the guidance.

descent

2008-01-08T12:21:00.000+08:00

in Silence
we go deep.

daytime
tinsel,
glitter,
chatter,
sweet nothings,
noise,
shivs
and dross
fall away
as Night creeps.

until
what remains
is only
what is True.

in Silence
we go deep.

deja vu?

2007-12-12T16:59:00.001+08:00

i wonder now:
am i repeating a pattern
i thought
i've long overcome?

promised
pictures,
game cds for my son,
follow up info for my sister's husband's leg troubles,
calls
that do not come.

or is it my fault
that like a child still
my heart hangs on to words spoken
and believes they are still truly meant
to come true?

my word is my action,
and my action, my word.
how can that be otherwise
for Them?

busy, busy, busy--
those are always Their reasons.
unimportant, unimportant, bottom-of-the-list unimportant--
that is how it always makes me feel.

i wonder now:
am i meeting
the same man
i married
and left behind?

saying "hi, how are you?"

2007-12-12T16:58:00.000+08:00

***

saying "hi, how are you?"
and asking you about
what may seem to you
the boring, mundane little details
of your every day life
is really my way
of poking
into your heart
and trying to see
if i still have
a special place there
somewhere
somehow.

so when i ask you
these seemingly silly
chatty questions,
which don't seem to matter much
anyway (to you)
even if you don't answer them--
please
answer
back.

saying "hi, how are you?"
is really my way of saying--
"am i still special to you?
do i still have a place
in your heart?"

so, please
answer
back.

***

perhaps

2007-12-12T10:51:00.000+08:00

perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

it seems to make you
shy,
hesitant,
about saying it back,
or saying it first.

but you said it to me first.

perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much.

i should really say it
on very rare, special occasions--
that's what the books say.
that's what mama says, too.

but my heart overflows
when im with you
sometimes,
more than sometimes these days.

so my lips pour out
what my heart truly feels.
then, too,
what if i die soon?

still,
perhaps
i should not say
"i love you"
too much?

Spinning Arrow

2007-11-12T10:40:00.001+08:00

yesterday morning, towards the end of my meditation, when my mind was clear and peaceful and blank... and i just waited a few moments more before i ended my meditation, just basking in the Loving Presence... the image of a spinning arrow pointed downwards (like it was zooming in already for an X spot marked on the ground) appeared.

in moments like this, when i get unbidden and seemingly strange images during meditation, i pay even more attention, knowing from experience now that it always has a message for me.

so i just sat there and watched the arrow spin, as if boring into the ground.

and then, B's face appeared.

then the arrow, then B's face,... then the arrow again; alternatively flashing images of B and the spinning arrow.

i asked God to show me what it means, even as i ended my meditation.

***

today, i remember it and Google-searched for "spinning arrow" and what it could mean, even as, at the same time, i am reminded of the spinning arrow in Pocahontas.

this is what i found in one of my searches:

Pocahontas: My father wants me to marry Kocoum.

Grandmother Willow: Kocoum? But he's so serious!

Pocahontas: I know. My father thinks its the right path for me. But lately, I've been having this dream. I'm running through the woods. And then, right there in front of me, is an arrow. As I look at it, it starts to spin.

Grandmother Willow: A spinning arrow? How unusual.

Pocahontas: Yes! It spins faster, and faster, and faster, until suddenly it stops.

Grandmother Willow: Hmm. Well, it seems to me that this "spinning arrow" is pointing you down your path.

So... B is my Path, huh?

and the spinning arrow is not flying through the air anymore, but landing, boring, right on target X, into the ground.

hmmmm....

oh, you

2007-11-01T22:55:00.000+08:00

tonight
at west aurora:
i saw you.

i LOVE
what i saw!

oh, you.
needless worries...

i love
you.

I Believe

2007-10-28T17:31:00.001+08:00

goodbye, hello

2007-09-22T16:01:00.000+08:00

life is funny.

i cried my real goodbyes to M yesterday by actually saying hello.

it's been two months since we last communicated, mainly because i just blocked him off from my emails. it got to a point where, every time id see his name in my inbox, id cringe inside, dreading to open it, knowing id only hurt some more.

it was crazy. he professed his love for me, yet he couldn't stand by it. we fought, we made up, we fought... it was exhausting, too.

i was hurting too much, and i didn't want to hurt anymore.

i know i deserved better.

and so i said my final, hurting goodbye to him last July, hitting him where it hurt with the truths in my heart, and then blocked him.

so whatever email replies he sent, i never got to read.

i blocked him only for a week, when i thought id block him forever.

i guess i was stronger than i thought.

anyway, not communicating with him did not mean i didn't think of him, though.

thinking of him was a habit. and i thought id just let it be, let the thoughts pass as they come, but not holding on to them either. i thought i wouldn't feed it, and just let the habit naturally die.

but, coming to America only intensified it, especially as we had the layover at L.A., where he and his parents lived.

everywhere i turned, id see these tall, Caucasian men, and im reminded of M. my sister and i have even made a joke out of it-- that i had definitely limited my options with M, when here are much nicer-looking ones! : ) (that's mean, i know, ... but maybe sometimes, meaness is necessary to heal a much-broken heart...)

it didn't help that mama keeps mentioning his name, when she intends to say someone else's name. most of the time, she actually asks about M and what really happened. i guess, in some way, she began to like him too, despite how ugly it turned out in the end.

yesterday was the worst. she mentioned his name again when she meant B... and we got to talking about M and she asked me how i could profess to love him so profusely and just suddenly stop loving him.

i told her i loved M, and i still do. but that doesn't mean he is in my future. one can love another yet find out that one cannot live with another happily anymore.

as i said it to her, i felt like crying. i had to quickly go out of the room and back to the pc to work on the butterfly business stuff.

but it finally dawned on me that maybe, the Universe is telling me something. more particularly, maybe the Universe is prompting me to do something, like message M again, even just to ask how he is. maybe, i was needed as a channel or instrument that way, that it might not fit my purposes and convenience, but that it fits the bigger scheme of things.

and so, despite my self, i finally sent him a short and simple email: "hi. how are you?", not even addressing him nor signing my name.

as i have come to know him so well, he replied back after only a few minutes, with a longer and warmer email, telling me how it's funny that i've been in his thoughts a lot lately, and how his mom keeps mentioning me and asking about me, too, and how she's finished her book and wanted to discuss it with me...

that made me cry even more. what made it difficult letting go of M, too, was because of his mom, whom i also fell in love with, and who fell in love with me as well. she is a children's book writer and a Pisces, too, and we just hit it off quickly. she is almost like a mom to me, too.

still, i replied back to M with a friendly but cool tone, even telling him how i just had to message him again, just to keep the Universe's and my mom's reminders of him off my back, as i wanted to forget already.

he quickly replied back again that he is copying his mom our emails, just so she won't get any wrong ideas anymore, wishing me and my family and my children well, and saying that he knows now we will always be in touch with each other.

and then, it turned into a series of one-liner emails, just kidding around and talking about practical stuff, like when i'll be back and whether id pass through L.A. again for a layover, and how long the layover would be...

still, even as i bantered, i cried. nobody here noticed; im good at hiding my pain. still, i cried quietly, even as i pretended to work on the pc.

i knew then, this is the real goodbye. and we can only be just friends now.

i owe it to my self, i owe it to B, who is the one i love now and seeking a possible future with. that is very clear to me.

still, i thank God.

it was a healing goodbye, too. id rather have this as the finishing touch to my more than a year of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, by M, than the angry, hurting goodbye we had two months ago.

i guess the time has come, and it is perfect time. now that B is being welcomed more closely into my life, even by family.

life is funny, and bittersweet too.

but life is perfect, any which way it turns out.

Let Your Light Shine Bright

2007-08-27T03:48:00.000+08:00

By Clarissa Pinkola Estes

My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world now. Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

You are right in your assessments. The lustre and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking. Yet, I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is that we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement.

I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind. Look out over the prow; there are millions of boats of righteous souls on the waters with you. Even though your veneers may shiver from every wave in this stormy roil, I assure you that the long timbers composing your prow and rudder come from a greater forest. That long-grained lumber is known to withstand storms, to hold together, to hold its own, and to advance, regardless.

In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. There is a tendency, too, to fall into being weakened by dwelling on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails. We are needed, that is all we can know. And though we meet resistance, we more so will meet great souls who will hail us, love us and guide us, and we will know them when they appear. Didn't you say you were a believer? Didn't you say you pledged to listen to a voice greater? Didn't you ask for grace? Don't you remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater?

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take everyone on Earth to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale.

One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these—to be fierce and to show mercy toward others; both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do.

There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours. They are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D
Author of the best seller Women Who Run with the Wolves

Love and Hate

2007-08-11T06:49:00.001+08:00

Love is the only wealth that man absolutely needs. Love is the only wealth that God precisely is. Hate is an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love, but whom you cannot love. Perhaps he himself prevents you. That is a disguised form of love. You can only hate someone whom you have the capacity to love, because if you are really indifferent, you cannot even get up the enough energy to hate him. Hatred is the frustration or blockage of normal, free-flowing love.

- Sri Chinmoy

Intentional Solitude

2007-07-29T14:18:00.001+08:00

I first wrote this for a Philippines Today column in 2003... but in my meditations lately, asking my Inner Guides what their message is for me, what I need to learn/know in my life right now... I keep getting the words, "Intentional Solitude", and so I Google-searched for this just now, and came right smack into the column I my self wrote 4 years ago...

please click on this link to the column.

***

the other message I got from my Inner Guides, was the image of an empty throne, and then a man dressed in royal robes with a crown on his head, stepping up to the thrown, sitting down, and looking and smiling at me, tenderly. He looked like that actor who played the king in "One Night with the King (The Story of Esther)" that I saw on video once, but bearded, and closer to my age...

and then, these words--

"It will be filled soon."

strange

2007-07-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

is it
Life
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
he
and i?

'just when i thought
it's over
and decreed
my moving on
after asking the Ultimate
and he balked.
so i gave up
and erased
all traces of him...

he comes back,
humble,
repentant,
in a strange manner--

he says
he wants to be with me,
misses talking to me,
being inspired by me,
wants to see Bacolod
soon,
but is afraid
i will seduce him!
can i stimulate his mind
without seducing him
please?

imagine that.

what a strange,
strange
question.

so i gave
an equally strange answer--
"i can seduce men
without even trying.
your answer lies
within.
Be clear
with what you really want."

...

i've started saving
our emails again.

but, instead of
to a folder
in his name;
it's to a folder
named
"New Friends"
now,

for him
and other new friends
i'm suddenly making
now.

still,
is it
Life
and Love
who are strange,
or is it
he
and i?

case CLOSED

2007-06-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

there are no words left to say.

i asked you the most important question of all--
and you panicked
with all your reasons
(actually, non reasons)
as your answer
(actually, non answer).

i only asked you
what your soul required;
not what your business,
parents,
employees,
friends
required.

you choose Soul,
all else follows.

you choose less than Soul,
all else follow, too.

i do not belong
to less than Soul.
i am sorry.
you cannot have it
both ways.

as always,
you know
i spoke the Truth
of you and i.

and as always,
it spooked you
into panic
and mindless rationalizations.

Thank you, though.
You have just
suddenly
freed me,
released me
completely.

what a pure, exhilarating feeling,
clear-seeing--
i can move on fully
now.

There are no words left to say.