JoeRecruiter-THE Legal Recruiter

ThanksGIFTing to y'all from Your JoeR!

2007-11-25T22:10:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well! And well, again. It's time for Your JoeRecruiter to give all y'all some nuggets of wisdom and pre-Holiday Cheer. Okay, so not. But Joe has many things to say, and, as in times past, and, quite frankly, re-past, not many in thoid poisson. As it were. Joe doesn't know what "as it were" means, but it sounds terribly fancy, so Joe will say it from time to time. . . . as it were. It seems like terribly clever people say it a lot when they're trying to assure you they're terribly clever, don't it? Yup. So, every twice in a while, Joe will be doing that from now on. Just in case.

Today, we will be having a veritable boo-FAY of topics. Which means that the meds haven't yet kicked in, probably. When Joe remembers to, Joe will absolutely number them. Different numbers, too, just to be sure. Let us begin. And, for kicks, let us start with number one. No sense starting off on the wrong foot this early in the game.

1. ". . .And the Oozing Sincerity From Every Pore Award Goes To. . .": Let's start at the very beginning. As Julie Andrews said, it's "a very good place to start. What is WITH James J. Sandman, Esq., former Big Head of Cheese, I mean, Head Cheese, of the DC Bar, Partner of Ahhhnold and Pohhhtuhh, and other fayncee stuff? I mean, foh realz! Did you guys read this? All the way through? Without a Bromo to hand?

Thing is, Mr. Sandman was right about most everything he writed. Associates aren't just in it for the money, blah blah, satisfaction blah blah, clients don't wanna take it all up the yazz blah blah, so on and so forth blah blah . . . and blah. Bleaahhhh! Eck. Feh. ACK! (Sorry, hairball).

But the overweaning insincerity, and the little walk through "social conscientiousness-land" was a bit much, even for Your JoeR to stomach. (blechhh!).

I mean, it's one thing if you're like Joe's friend Dudley DoMe, and you make 14 Gazillion dollahs a year, and give most of it away, because that how you roll, baby, but Joe has a bit of a problem taking advice from a partner, who isn't exactly KNOWN for giving all his money away, sitting in judgment of newly minted Associates and telling them they shouldn't be thinking about the money, but rather thinking about doing things more for the social good.

Are you kidding? Sheesh! And Joe thought Crack Alley Sally was hitting the pipe a little too hard! Sandman is the right name for it, babylove, you are livin' in DREAMLAND!

Now, Joe knows that most partners don't make nearly as much as the average Associate thinks they make. But they still make a helluva lot more than the average Associate makes, and that, after all, is the damn thing. Moreover, I don't think this lecture impressed any clients either.

That sound you hear in the background is the sound of many MANY clients simultaneously coughing up a hairball, or yacking up what they had thought was a tasty piece of Hamachi, at the idea of a partner standing in front of God and everybody and saying "Oh, hell yeah, it's the Associate raise that's going to force us to jack our prices to you, and not our desire to preserve our partner distribution, because we don't wanna take it in the ass, so we'd rather make sure our CLIENTS take it in the ass, or even better, the Associates, because, by now, they should be used to it."

What cracks Your JoeR up about this is that El Sando actually dared to aim the word "disingenuous" at someone not himself. That takes solid steel cojo, that's all Joe gotta say about that there.

But wait, there's more.

Joe agrees that Associate salaries are too high. But that's all ya gotta say. Associate salaries are too high. And they're phony. Because the firms are just gonna, well, it rhymes with duck, the associates, in order to make them pay for the increase, so they don't actually get more money, they just work more hours.

It is NOT necessarily true that the firms will raise the hourly rate, because they'll have calculated how many more hours they want the associates to work in order to pay for the raise. They WILL use that as the excuse to raise rates, but that's just what it is, an excuse. Some firms will have to raise rates, of course, either because they can't get enough work to cover the nut on the raise, or because they want a higher payout, or just because they're poorly managed, but, if a firm knows how to hire, has enough work, and has the right attrition level, it doesn't have to jack its rates. However, doesn't have to and won't are two entirely different breeds of cat. And that is all Joe has to say about Associate raises. For now.

2. Pay Us More, Say MPs. Thousand of Associates Hospitalised For Hysterical Fits of Laughter! : Somebody sent Joe an article on raising Managing Partner pay to CEO level. Joe doesn't know what this means. First of all, it's a non-sequitur. Joe would need MUCH more information. When Joe thinks CEO, Joe thinks "of a major corporation, with, like, 50 THOUSAND employees," and, in that case, Joe says, "Oh, hell yeah."

But, based on the cursory research Joe has done (primarily in the area of his quite adorable navel, one must admit), most MPs do better than the "CEOs" of small, family-owned and private companies of similar size already. So Joe doesn't understand why this has come up. Unless whatever ill-thinking MP that floated this idea thinks they should be paid on par with, whomever, Jack Welch or Steve Jobs, or someone.

I mean, if they want to be paid co-equal with Warren Buffet, I'm down with that (last I heard, he made about $300K/year). And I'm okay with paying them co-equal with Bill Gates, too (a buck a year). I'll even pay it myself. Applications may be left with my Business Agents, Bialystock and Bloom.

But let's think about this for a minute. The premise of this is all goofy. First of all, the reason CEOs of companies are paid the way they're paid, theoretically, is because they are paid to INCREASE SHAREHOLDER VALUE. So I don't think we can entertain the notion until law firms become public entities in the first place. But let's put that aside for a minute, and just say, what the hell. Let's say they don't have to be public entities. Fine.

How do we assess CEOs on the basis of increasing the value of the firm? Who decides? Well, in MY estimation, it would have to be SOME kind of a stakeholder. It can't be the partners, because they're too close to the action. . .their ox is too easily gored. So, it has to fall to the (shuddah!) associates. Given that, how many CEOs (MPs) would get a raise? Hmmm? How many MPs would get fiddy cent? Just asking.

Don't get Joe wrong, Joe loves the idea of paying MPs co-equal with CEOs, but as Joe's great-aunt Suzannah Suffragette McSuccotash was fond of saying "Equal Pay for Equal Work, y'all." And, admittedly, Joe's view on this is, how shall we say this? Ah, yes. . .despoiled. Joe's cousin Wiley R. Crayn (the Crayns never were very clever at naming the offspring the sprang from their unsavoury loins), is the richest rich person Joe ever knew. Personally, Joe means.

Wiley was a tightwad. But he believed in paying a full-day's pay for a full-day's work. Sadly, for his workers, Wiley's full-day consisted of 24-hours work with no breaks, not even to see a man about a horse, if you know what Joe means. Joe thinks that there are a few MPs out there that think the same way old Wiley did, but, when the scope is aimed up THEIR tuchus, things all of a sudden are viewed from an entirely different perspective.

Joe thinks that the CEO pay story is unifinished, at best. And there are a few details that need to be made a LOT clearer. Perhaps, once those details fall into place (perhaps less with a bang, than a whimper), we will ALL be in a better position to evaluate this suggestion.

For now, Joe's recommendation to Law Firm CEOs, COOs, MPs, and LMNOPs would be to take what money you can get, and sit on it for a little while longer. We'll get back to you as soon as we can. Really. We MEAN it.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com

p.s. Could Joe get a little proxy for this here sandwich?

Tough Love For Associates. About Time Sez JoeR.

2007-11-16T02:59:00.000-08:00

Your JoeRecruiter is in a giddyhappy mood. One might ask "Why, JoeRecruiter, are you in such a giddyhappy mood?" and one would have a perfect right to do so. Of course, your JoeRecruiter, being a cranky soul, might ignore the question, as he is wont to do from time to time.

But not this time. Oh, HELL no. In point of fact, your JoeRecruiter is delighted, nay, frankly thrill-ed to be able to answer this particular question. In a minute.

But first, your JoeR has to tell you about ShuShu Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Your JoeR had to quickly verify the correct spelling in his combination Ig-Pay Atin-Lay Ictionary-Day and Hawaiian Cookbook, Illustrated-Day (thank Od-Gay, Oh-Jay was Orrect-Kay, as Ew-zuwal-day, aturally-day).

But here's the thing about ShuShu HumuHu (for short, and you can ANK-bay at-thay). ShuShu is a HO. Sorry. An Oh-Hay. Not in a bad way. Not that it matters, or anything. Far be it from your JoeR to criticise anybody for their stuff, right? Your JoeR isn't a saint, after all. Just ask Junior Partner. She has PLENTY to say about your JoeRecruiter, let Joe tell you. But ShuShu . . .well, ShuShu is a little frisky. And he's playing it fast and loose, if you take Joe's meaning. Very fast. And VERY loose. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But, you know, once bitten. . .and somebody, sometime, is gonna see the marks. And then where will you be? Joe knows! Junior Partner wouldn't talk to Joe for WEEKS! What can Joe say? Joe heals slowly.

Which brings us to this Associate thing. Miz Flouncy McGriddle, herself an apparently highly qualified and knowledgable consultant type, just informed your JoeR, and apparently the whole legal community that [prepare to gasp!] by their fifth year in the profession, {Note: Joe thought it was a brother/sisterhood, and is trying to digest this}, upwards of 80% of the novitiates {see!} wander off to find something else to do [gasp!]. Joe knows!

Miz McGriddle says that this comes as a surprise to no one. Well, with all due respect to Miz McGriddle, it shocked the hell outta your JoeR. Okay, maybe that's a little strong. How 'bout "nonplussed." Fine, Joe doesn't know what that means. "Bemused." Nope, don't know what that means, too. "Flummoxed?" Still nothin'. Abashed? Twitterpated? Pole-axed? Discombobulated? What about bifurcated? Joe just tossed that in. How about defenestrated? It doesn't have anything to do with anything, either, but Joe has ALWAYS dug that word.

The Griddler (Joe's new term for Miz McGriddle) even points out the lack of work-life balance as a problem. Joe thinks this is a load of, Joe means, an interesting thing to say, given that anyone as smart as a potential lawyer OUGHT to know what they're getting themselves into, one would think, sometime before they actually commit to going to law school. I mean, seriously, you have stratospheric IQs, there are 426 shows about Lawyers on TV, and it never even ONCE crossed your mind that you might have to work more than a 40-hour week in order to earn more in a month than your parents earned in a freakin' year?

Honestly, just how stupid ARE you? For frick's sake! Did you really, truly think they were gonna hand you $160,000.00 just because they thought the way you chugged that beer bong was somehow so much better than the way all those other 3Ls BEFORE you chugged beer bongs? Give Joe a break! In fact, give us ALL a break, and apply to an accounting program, please, before it's too late. But let's move on, before Joe has a fit of apoplexy and dies before he finishes gouging out what little soul you have left.

The Griddler, bless her, has some neato!, super!, fabu! steps firms can take to rev up their Associate retention. That is SO great! Let's look at them. They're super fabulously cool, and neat, and super, and great! And marvy!, and groovy! And Marvy! And some junk! And just the BEST! EVER! Wow! Joe is SO EXCITED! For REALS! Here we go! Don't hurt yourself! I MEAN it! Really! Joe means it! REALLY! Ready? Okay! Okay. Wait. Okay. Hold on. Okay, wait.

Okay, first. Joe doesn't know what this means. Grid sez firms should broaden their efforts beyond those regarded as, um, "keepers." But she also says attrition is good. Joe sez, "Ow. My head hurts." Besides, it seems that this is sort of addressed below (see below).

Okay, second. Okay. Second, La Gridde says that firms should get down with their alumni networks. Joe totally agrees. But firms already do this. And she says also that they should pay for outplacement services for attorneys who end up not being such a good fit, and also that they should provide a professional career consultant for every attorney. Sounds good, but Joe is wondering about something. First of all, right on with the whole outplacement thing, but didn't Joe already address this whole issue in our last episode? Yes, Joe in fact already addressed this issue in our last episode.

But second, and almost as important, it seems to Joe that the whole idea of providing career consultants would probably be a monumental waste of cash because presumably these able, gifted, and otherwise intelligent attorneys have probably had many, MANY chances to be career consulted before this stage in their lives, , and clearly, it didn't take. It seems to Joe that there's no benefit to be accrued by continuing to throw good money after bad.

As Joe's Wise Old Uncle, Scooter, used to say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. He used to also say some garbage about catching more flies with honey, but that's gross and Joe doesn't wanna talk about that right now.

But wait! There's more! Gridella de Ville suggests that firms find other roles in the firm. Joe wondered, as he was reading, what other roles there could be, but Miz McGriddle was prepared for that question. She is so on her game, you would not believe it. These other roles are, like, non-equity partner; director of recruiting (I guess Joe can kiss that dream job goodbye, snif); director of professional dvelopment; director of marketing; and director of pro bono work. Hot Zing! The Griddler is a Pluperfect Genius! No foolin'. The scales have fallen from mine eyes. I guess director of snotty and irony laden external publications was all full up. Pity.

All great people have a lackey, I guess, and Miz McGriddle apparently has one too. Joe is guessing. Because, in a lob deep from center field comes a quote from Binstock, who, Joe is guessing, is the Igor to the Griddler's Baron von FronkenSteen (Joe kids, a little. Actually, Binstock is the lovely and talented Dan Binstock with BCG Attorney Search, who's been like a daughter, no, niece, no, cub scout, no, iguana, no, whippoorwill, YES! to JoeR).

Anyways, in an earth-shattering reveal, Binstock (how funny would it be if his name was actually Igor, though?), anyway, Binstock reveals, for THE FIRST TIME EVER, that a book of business often reigns supreme (so take THAT, Mary Wilson!), and that a beagle's primary loyalty seems to be to their own career, and NOT to a particular career (just in case anyone was confused). Joe, for one, was absolutely hoist on his own petard. Which is, frankly, saying something. Because, prior to today, Joe didn't even know he HAD a petard. Fortunately, it's much prettier than you might otherwise think.

Imagine. . .a book of business often reigns supreme. Thanks for that Binstock. You and Grid. . .the cutting edge of beagle-istic thought.

Anyway, the upshot of all of this forward thinking is that the more, that is to say the most forward-thinking of the forward-thinking firms are providing business development training to all of their associates, and let me quote this, becuz it's cool, "as a way of preparing the keepers for partnership and encouraging all associates to practice fundamentals like client service, relationship-building and networking." They don't tell us what's going to happen to the non-keepers. But, I guess, since they're broadening the scope on "keepers" pretty soon everyone will be a keeper. Which, presumably, will kill the whole "attrition good" theory. Which will mean, eventually, "attrition bad." Which will mean, eventually "keepers bad." Which will, presumably mean "attrition good" once again. See, things balance out.

Finally, Miz McGriddle suggests that firm offer management training to partners and senior associates, presumably to keep them from getting Agita. Or verklempt. Or both. Depends on the day. And what you had for lunch, sometimes. And sometimes, what your JoeR had for lunch.

Honestly, the idea of providing Management Training to partners and senior associates is not a bad idea. But WHO is going to provide the training? And, more importantly, will they listen? Lawyers come out of school, for the most part, without even a speck of management training, one would think they'd already know this, and either go back for some, or take advantage of the opportunity to get some. But in virtually every case, lawyers who don't already have a management background never submit themselves for any additional training.

But, let's be fair. . .nobody wants to go back for much more of anything, if they don't have to. Why, your own very JoeR took about as much Frab as he ever intends to take in FrabJabuLab School. Naturally, all of us get our Ploids and Noids recertified every two years, as, of course, you would, but, outside of that, why bother?

As usual, there's nothing new under this sun. But, we can only hope that, like Superman, perhaps, another day, another sun will shine brightly in the (Joe can never remember. . .) Western (?) sky, when, presumably, The Griddler's amazing powers will, at that point, be relevant.

Until then, remember,

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com/

p.s. I wish I was in Tijuana, eatin' barbecued iguana (name it).

BigPapa MauMau and Crack Alley Sally

2007-11-11T13:09:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, in a Galaxy, Far, Far Away. . . JUST KIDDING! Besides, your JoeR is Pretty Damn Sure you can't even USE them there words any more. In that particular arrangement, anyway. Joe will check. Joe will check with Taxxy McDancer! Taxxy McDancer is your JoeR's name for his new most favourite Lawyerly Beagle EVER! Lawyer! CPA! Break Dancer! RockStar! He Does It All!

Actually, Joe doesn't know Taxxy McDancer.

Joe's new BFF Studdly McHotty, Jr., however, DOES.

Studdly Junior (Little Stud, to his friend(s), much to Joe's discomfort), is ALSO a Legal Recruitist, and met Taxxy the RockStar at a HooHah Hootenanny for the Future Rich, or somesuch nonsense. Joe doesn't really know, because Joe doesn't really care. Funny how that works, idn't it?

Or maybe they danced. Not quite sure on the details.

Anyway, Taxxy is a RockStar. And a Marvelous Dancer. And can fillet a (an?) LLC with Laser-like precision. Or something.

Which reminds JoeR, go get a nice piece fish for lunch.

And apparently, he's cute, too.

JUST KIDDING!

Joe totally made that up.

Joe wouldn't know a cute guy face if it walked up and bit him on the butt. And if a cute guy face, or, to be dead honest, if a cute anything face walked up and bit Joe on the butt, it would TOTALLY piss off Junior Partner, given that she was recently scolded for SPANKING your JoeR on the butt.

True, it WAS in front of JoeR's One and Only Mama. And True, she DID make your JoeR call her BIG Mama. And, yes, it is ALSO True that she filmed it and sent copies to Joe's entire High School Graduating class.

But the part about Joe singing the entire Star Spangled Banner while dressed in a Flag Diaper is TOTALLY false. It was a completely WHITE, regular diaper.

But your JoeR got completely off track, didn't we? Yes, we did. That is so not okay. Kidding again. Most beagles wouldn't know the difference, anyway. . .your JoeR reads Opinion Letters by the ream, and legal writing by the boxful (recruiter, 'member?). Joe has decided that ADD is the official unofficial avocation of most beagles, which is a good thing, because Joe has decided that smart and floxipated go together like, well, how can Joe say this?, like. . .um. . .Got It!

Like, your date orders Lobster, and s/he is SO putting out. But your Joe would NEVER say that, let alone let it go to print. Never Never Never. Ever. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, off track.

So, what do BigPapa MauMau and Crack Alley Sally have to do with one another? Well, as you know, BigPapa MauMau is Joe's One True Father-type Father's Really And For True Father's Name, and Crack Alley Sally is Joe's Friend, Adviser, Confidant, Early Warning System, Bodyguard, Bank, and, apparently, Future Past Aluma-us-ae-whatever (LSAT 178. . .WTF? Hand me that pipe!), and, she also makes the cutest little Holiday Decorations for Lovely Table Displays, or something, according to Junior Partner (Joe only reports, he does not decide, also according to Junior Partner). Joe says . . . .nevermind what Joe says.

What brought this on is that, finally, for the first time in, like, Joe-dunno, a century, there seems to be a "loosening-up" in some of the law firms. A change in the way firms (some of them) are focusing on a totality of metrics. Or, perhaps a better way to explain this is, a moving away from JUST metrics.

Over here, one firm has developed a two-tier comp plan. You can be a machine, and get paid more for just grinding out raw numbers of hours. Or, you can make a little less, and have a life. Joe digs this. There was a time when Joe was all about the dollars, baby. And the hours. Still is, mostly. But not as much. A little less. Now, this law firm says, hey, it's a menu. You can pick. Could be meat, could be cake, as the saying goes. Joe says, Right On.

Over here, a firm says, wisely, timesheets are stupid. They lie. They misrepresent what lawyers do, and they don't present an accurate account of the value of what lawyers DO. Besides that, they make people think that the value of lawyer work lies ONLY in the representation of lawyering work as an hour-by-hour thing, which it so is not. Joe agrees.

Joe's Dear, Dear Friend and Enema, Feeley McFinster, Esq., Liar and Attorney-At-Law, Lawyer and Shyster, Huckster and Counselor, is a big, HUGE, scumbag, I mean advocate, of timesheets, and he accounts for every second of every day. Sometimes two or three times, just to be sure.

Feeley's a character. For example, he never actually lies, really. Joe just said that to be mean. He quite truthfully tells you he's giving you a Prostate Massage, (assuming you're a male person of the male gender, and that you do, in fact, HAVE a prostate gland), at no additional charge whatsoever. However, a person like Joe-self might uncharitably characterise this as Feeley, um, how can Joe say this?

Ah, yes, let's just call it, uh, " . . . .bending you over the desk and shagging you like a crazy, angry monkey, or a sugared-up ten-year old with an authority problem. . . "

Joe knows, Joe knows. Not all lawyers, and certainly not all Law Firms, would do this kind of stuff, and certainly if anybody found out about this kind of nonsense, they'd put a swift and final stop to it, and you'd be right. And certainly, you're absolutely correct that there's probably only one lawyer out there like Feeley, and thank [insert here] for that.

It's also true that flat pricing, or value pricing, or whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-it-pricing ain't no panacea either, thank you very much. Everything has its own set of problems. Fine, Joe'll stip to all of that. But Joe's sticking to his (toy, sigh) guns on this one. Timesheets suck, because they suck, because they suck. And they suck because they suck.

Moreover they suck because grownups shouldn't have to account for their time like five-year olds, and Joe wouldn't do it, ever, and never will. And if for no other reason, SOMEBODY oughtta sack up, and the next time someone asks an ADULT to account for their time, say "No. I'm not a five-year old, and I don't ACCOUNT for my time like a child! I'm done with this. If you don't trust me to do my job, and give you fair value for the money, then you don't trust me enough to do the job, so maybe we need to reconsider our relationship. If your timesheet is more important to you than our relationship, I think we're done. Take a day, and think about it, and let me know tomorrow."

And the Officers need to stand up to their boards, and the boards need to stand up to their Stockholders. It's not hard. Trust Joe. Joe IS a stockholder. Joe doesn't need to be told how many minutes Law Firm B spent drafting Agreement A on Matter K. Nobody Cares. Nobody. Unless they're a freak. How many Law Firms want to be known for representing freaks? Okay, Entertainment Law Firms don't have to answer. And Certain Billionaires don't count. Or Criminals. Or Joe's Lawyers. Or Junior Partner.

Joe would LOVE to know how many actual grownups elected to pursue the profession of law. Not counting the above.

Over Here, right HERE, a Law Firm has said, "Hey, You, we're not hiring any more Associates, for a minute, so we can focus on Laterals. Good Laterals. Tasty Laterals. Smoky Laterals. Well-Seasoned Laterals, but with a hint of spice, and a robust, tanginess that should go well with a nice juicy red. . . .sorry, Joe was watching a certain programme on a certain channel, and, well, you know, the right lateral can make your mouth water. Maybe that's just Joe.

Joe just realised that he should have explained that he meant Lateral Partners, as opposed to lateral Associates. Sorry, it's a recruiting thing. And a Joe being Lazy thing. It was easier to just tell you Partners once, down here, than go through and change that WHOLE paragraph up there, and also teach you how we think in the recruiting world.

Anyone who tells you different is a liar. Liar, Liar, LIAR. Associate, Lateral, Group, Merger Partner. They may have different terminology, but, seriously, if a recruiter is talking to them, they're ALREADY a lateral, so to say, "Oh, we mean a lateral ASSOCIATE, or a lateral PARTNER, or a lateral GROUP, is just grandstanding, and they're showing off for you. Newby Lawyers are of no interest to recruiters because they're worth no money, and it's not worth the firm to pay to recruit them, so if a recruiter is talking to a lawyer, by definition, that lawyer IS a lateral attorney. Period. End of off-topic Grammar rant, sort of.

Back to a topically-related rant. This was a VERY good move. Good for the Law Firms, good for Lawyers, good for the Recruiting industry. Here's why. For the firms, they can get VERY focused on getting good Partners, and culling the chaff. All Law Firms should cull, and get tight. They should weed out the weaker partners, send them on their way, and use their recruiters to help them out-place those attorneys to other firms who might be delighted to have them, but who don't fit THEIR model.

Understand this; it's very important. I know it doesn't fit certain recruiting organisation ethics guidelines, but it's the truth and SOMEBODY has to say it.

There are very few really bad attorneys. There are a few, but, on the whole, the profession, like herds of buffalo, or reindeer, or wolves, tends to, um, eliminate the sicker, weaker, less, "survivable" members, as it should. AND it should. It should do it better, faster, more, but, over time, the systems generally clean the pool pretty well. It could, and should be better, but it's okay. All right, it's not, you know, okay, but it's almost okay. Okay.

Informal systems between law firms also operate, and those systems are in place between recruiters and lawyers, recruiters and law firms, and even between recruiters. It's not as smooth a process, or even as discreet (or even as discrete-non-math-majors, look it up), as it once was, but, again, it does exist.

So, a system of systems (a Meta-System) does exist. Recruiters are an important part of the system. "[Recruiting Organisation]" has kind of screwed it up, because it is stupid too, but [Recruiting Organisation] came about because of unethical recruiters who were short-sighted, didn't understand the profession, didn't understand lawyers, and didn't believe in the importance of law, and only cared about fees. Most of them are gone.

The rest will be gone when Law Firms get back to caring about Lawyers, and the profession, and that will happen when they start to pay attention to Lawyering again, and it's starting to happen again already, but it too will take time.

So, here's how it works, how it used to work, how it should work, how it will again, all kind of mixed together, like a lovely, tasty, high-fiber, nutritious, and yet, stunningly delicious salad (you wouldn't know it, but your Joe hasn't had lunch yet, and is Craving a Salad. . .admit it, you NEVER would have guessed):

Meet Sherman Fetlock. He is so ca-yute! Nice to his mama. Has a bulldog. Bridget. Not kidding. Good Lawyer. Works for Isa Goodit Hurtzel Ittle. Like Joe Said. He's good. However, as Tony the Tiger is reputed to have said, "They're Grrrrreat!". Their nick in the industry is "iggy." They hate it. But we love it, so Iggy, it is. In fact, since it looks so cool in lowercase, it's just iggy. As in "So big, and yet so small, iggy atty says charity begins at home," or something.

Sherman doesn't know it yet, but he isn't gonna make partner at iggy. That's okay, because iggy doesn't know that Sherm is in play. As of now. Joe wants Sherm's pelt to decorate the office of a client who wants someone who tastes suspiciously like Sherm. Smell that? Smells like fee.

See, this is good because everybody wins. Sherm and iggy were never gonna happen. Iggy will be all "Sherm, you are dead to me." And Sherm will be all, "Iggy, I want to have your children, really and for true." Joe will be all "Sherm, come with me, and I will sell you for caysh, and life will be good for the JoeBo, and I will buy many toys, most of them made of latex," and FirmBee (the LawFirm to which Joe is going to sell Sherm like a Crayzee Hookuh) will be like "Oh, Sherm, you BigHottMaing! You make me Shuddah! You are SO fine! Talk Legal to me, Daddy!" because, even though Sherm isn't good enough for Iggy he is SO much more than good enough for FirmBee (although your JoeR will be all "What are you TALKING about? You are WAY prettier than those other Law Firms. Would Joe even be here if I didn't think you were the best Law firm of all? You know. . . .Joe wasn't gonna say this, but, Joe could spend his time with ANY Law Firm. . . and Joe chose YOU. Joe picked Sherm especially for YOU. Because Joe cares about YOU. Not enough to drop the annoying third person thing, but, you know. . . a lot").

So, at the end of the day (Joe still dares to dream, a little), week (still dreaming), okay, month (oh, please!), century (closer), era (okay), wrapped in swaddling clothes, and lying [no, that's it], your Joe will deliver one Sherman T. Fetlock, Esquire, to the sweaty hands of FirmBee, cash the check, and give the money to Junior Partner, (Joe understands his role in life perfectly), who will place it in her account, and never give even a dime of it back to Joe, (and is completely fine with it, really), and who will spend virtually every cent of it within fifteen minutes online, (despite the fact that he works like a dog/mule/ox/elephant every second of every day), and never even, you know, thank Joe, or, you know, buy him anything, not even a cracker, (and does everything for everybody else, and nobody ever shows any appreciation), and send him on his merry way, (someone tell Joe why he freakin' breaks his back for these ingrates anyway, please, wouldja?). What were we talkin' about? Oh, yeah, Sherman Fetlock, Cleveland Housewife, and Mother.

So, back in the day, if Sherman were struggling, the Network might have been kicking in. Joe isn't saying, I'm just sayin'. Here's how it might go. Of course, Joe isn't saying, Joe's just sayin'. Because Joe would NEVER do this. Nor would anyone in any law firm, ever. Never. Never Never NEVER. Ever. Got That?

Sherman is a good lawyer. Really Good. Really REALLY Good. But this is iggy. Iggy Lawyers are the Best. I mean, really, REALLY the best. Sherman will never make Partner. We like him here at iggy. We like him awful. We even love him. A lot. We wanna take him home, and hug him and squeeze him, and call him George. But he will never be partner. Never. Never Ever. Ever. Because here at Iggy, we'll take you home, and call you George, and we'll fall in love with you, and we might even marry you.

We'll for sure take you home and let you have as much sex as you want with us, in all the positions you want with us, for as long as you want with us, as many times as you want with us, and we'll for sure bring the party favours with us, and we'll almost certainly pay for the lube that we bring with us, and we might even spring for a Hotel Room in which you hook up with us, at least once, and maybe even more times than just once, for you to hook up with us.

But one thing we won't do, ever, is make you a partner if you don't have it, and if you don't have it, you don't. Really, you just don't. And if you don't have it, you never will. And no matter how much we love you, and no matter how great you are in the sack, and no matter how cute you are, or how hot you are, or how much we care about you, and we really, REALLY care about you, Sherm, you will never EVER make partner. Never Ever. EVER.

So, if I'm the MP of iggy, I might call up a recruiter, say, Oh, hell, let's call him, uh, Fred, the Recruiter. Because that's SO not the name of any recruiters we know. Or that know any recruiters we know. Or that are related to any recruiters who know anybody that knows anybody that knows anybody that we know. You know? Right.

So, Fred, who doesn't know anybody infinity that we know infinity recruiters infinity that we know law infinity squared, right? Just checking, because we SO would never approve of this kind of monkey business, nor would anybody in a law firm blah blah infinity blah blah squared, right? okay. good. okay, here we go. i, uh, we, uh, they, uh, that is to say, someone, mean it this time. SO not kidding. Comin' atcha. No foolin'. Ready-ready.

Oh For Godsake! The MP calls your ass up and it says "Hey, You! This is MP here. I have an outstanding attorney, and, anywhere else, he'd have a chance, and, in fact, would probably already BE a partner, but, here at iggy, that will never happen. Informally, our general philosophy is to try to help these people find a meaningful place somewhere else where they have a chance to shine, because here, if they can't make partner, their chance to have a meaningful career is effectively at an end, and we hate to see that happen to anybody.

I want to be clear, this is a great attorney, he just doesn't have a future HERE. It'd be great if you could help this person out. We love him, he's a great attorney, he's just not going to be able to be as successful here as he could be somewhere else. In fact, to be blunt, he isn't going to be able to be successful here period. His career here, is over. Clearly I'll do my best to keep the news from spreading, but time is of the essence, and the clock is ticking."

Obviously, that call is going to be different with each MP, and between each MP and their recruiter, depending on the level of comfort, how well they know you, if they feel they can trust you, and a lot of other factors. It is a frank violation of so many ethical rules, Joe can't even begin to count. On the other hand, you get the chance to save the careers of so many absolutely great lawyers whose only mistake is that they're not a perfect fit for the firm they're at now.

These stories are legion. It happens every day. That's why Joe HATES it when the first question out of an MP's mouth is "how big is the book?" Who cares, you moron? That's freaking irrelevant. It's irrelevant, because by the time you hire this bozo, all those numbers are going to change anyway. This is Joe's list of what you should ask, and what you NEED to know. By the way, they're not necessarily the same thing.

Also known as "How to Find, and Hire, the Perfect Lawyer" by Your JoeR.

What you should ask/what you need to know:

1. Do This Lawyer's Clients Like Her? From the Beginning of the Matter to the End of the Matter, does the client's opinion change, and if so, does it go from worse to better, or better to worse. Yeah, wise guy. Don't laugh. Books (books of business) are composed of clients. If clients don't like the lawyer, ain't no bidness. Ain't no bidness, ain't no book. Buh bye.

2. Does the recruiter Like The Lawyer? As a person, does the recruiter LIKE the Lawyer. Not what the recruiter thinks of the Lawyer, but the Person. Lawyering mostly is between people. Even transactional work is a lot between people. What does the recruiter think? And again, it's not "how hard have you been told this here lawyer works, Billy Bob?" It's "what do you THINK?"

Tell the recruiter "whatever God you believe in decided to punish you in the worst way possible and now, you are me. You get to decide whether or not this beagle is a Foine addition to our team here at Eeny Meeny Miney and Urrrrp. Decide." It is always helpful at times like this to play a lovely, lonely, sad, lugubrious funeral dirge in the background.

(Note: Goatwhore's Funeral Dirge for the Rotting Sun comes highly recommended. Joe has long requested that Maurice Ravel's Pavane for a Dead Princess be played at HIS funeral; water finds its own level. Also, if Joe may say so, the music is somewhat uncharacteristic for Ravel, but clearly modernistic, very tightly composed, and somewhat frisky for a death composition . . . . come to think of it, FORGET IT! I want something NICE for when I die, you heartless jerks!). What? Oh, yes. Decide.

3. What does the non-lawyer staff at the current place of work think of the attorney? This is huge. Yuge! Because if the non-beagles in his current shack don't like him, it's almost a guarantee that YOUR staff won't like him. Why? Because you know that before the paint in his new office is even dry, YOUR staff will be on the phone to people who know people who know people at his old office, LONG before he leaves, to get the 4-1-1. No, baby, nobody calls directly, because, if they did, they could never truthfully tell you, "I didn't call anyone at his office, nor did anyone I know, nor did anyone I KNOW call anyone I know." See, absolutely truthful.

But weeks before a new attorney starts in your office, the non-attorney staff knows everything about him. Yeah, baby. Everything. EV. RY. THING. Uh Huh. That too. Even what he says, or moans, whimpers, or shouts, just before. Usually, that becomes his secret private nickname. You should hear yours. Trust Joe, it's a freakin' howl.

Here's Uncle Joe's magical test to find out if you're a stud or a dud. Walk down the hall. Does the conversation stop? That's a good sign. Look at each and every one of the NL staff, right in the eye. Each and every one. Boys, Girls, Others. All of 'em. Smile. Don't say a word. Just smile. Friendly, Jackass, I mean, you thoughtful soul, not dirty. Go to the potty, get a drink of water, some coffee, stretch your legs, do some Jumping Jacks, whatever. 'Kay. Go back to your office. Keep the door open. Listen. Silence is bad. Murmurs are good. Loud is good. Anything in between is bad. And the rest, well, send Joe an email. With pictures.

4. What do other lawyers, judges, judicial staff, and other people with whom this lawyer works closely think of him/her? Ask for references, and call them yourself. Don't ask your recruiter to, because s/he isn't YOU. You're looking for your gut to tell you what you think when you listen to them talk to you about the lawyer.

5. NOW, look at the book. Don't look at the numbers, so much, because they will ALL change on some level, especially when Scooter the Lawyer decides to come and snuggle with you and all the other lawyers, cuz all them lawyers at his OLD place were all mean and stuff, but he LIKES you guys. A'yeah. Look at his clients, especially with regard to the TYPES of clients. Look at YOUR clients. Because when you screw up, and [diety] knows, you WILL screw up, a bunch of them will go with him, because clients don't like law firms, regardless of what they told you in MP school. Clients don't like Law Firms, they like lawyers. They could give a--rhymes with, hmmmm, schmuck--about Law Firms, regardless of what they tell you.

RANT WARNING! RANT WARNING! RANT WARNING! THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Why Law Firms spend millions of dollars on Branding and Marketing and not even five hundred dollars on a single 3 Credit Hour undergraduate class on Cognitive Psychology is beyond Joe. Especially when MIT has put 1700 of its classes online. For free. How stupid ARE you people? Sorry. Uninformed. And you wonder why you aren't more profitable? And you're worried about this lawyer's BOOK? He should worry about YOUR business practices, Saints preserve us. RANT ENDS HERE. PLEASE RESTORE PROTECTIVE DEVICES TO READY STATUS. SOUND ALL CLEAR.

6. Does his leg go all wonky when you scratch his side? House-trained? Good Hygiene? Manners? Funny? Nice to the help? Don't kid yourself, all of these are important. Especially the side-scratching. If a beagle can't entertain you for free, he's no damn good. Besides, it's funny. And funny is good. If your JoeR was funny, imagine how much you'd like him. I KNOW, me too!

7. Take the Lawyer to lunch. Not breakfast, unless it's rush. Why, you ask? Because lunch is freakin' busy. You want to see how the lawyer actually treats the help, unless you're a bigjerk and are a jerk to the help, too, in which case, why are you reading this blog, because you're too stupid, oops, too stuck in your evil, Joe means, um, Old Fashioned, ways to take the advice anyway, and you deserve all the punishment you're gonna get, too. So there! Sorry. Some crazed bunny of a junior lawyer just rushed in here and put his bunny fingers over Joe's and FORCED Joe to write the most mean things EVER!

That has been happening with WAY too much regularity around here, lately. . . ever since Joe ran out of those cute little pills. Nasty tasting but so cute. And those nice young men in their clean white coats. I miss them. . .they were so nice. And so polite. Always bundling Joe up in a jacket and escorting one everywhere Joe went. . .yeah. . . where were we? Oh yeah. . .lunch.

So, you take the beagle to lunch. . .somewhere busy. Take a bagful of patience with you, as Joe's granny used to say. Joe has no idea what that means, but it seemed soothing then, and it does now. Joe's friend Cuda says you can buy a bagful of patience for fiddy, but Joe thinks that is something else entirely. Now, if Joe were smart, he would take the victim, I mean beagle, to a place he had been many times before, you know Benny's, or National Slop and Ham Steaks, or, you know, something, where he knew the Food Management Service Professionals. They hate to be called Waitresses, Waiters, and, "Miss," particularly when their name is, you know, Steve. Even more so when their name is Bud. Although, if Joe may say so, the last Bud that Joe knew pretty much insisted on being called "miss." But not at work. . . .what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, lunch.

The better you know Bud, the better this'll work out, Joe promises, within reason. If you know Bud TOO well, so much so that you've been calling him Miss when your wife was out of town, you may be meeting with your lawyer much more often, and for entirely different reasons, than we're talking about here. On the other hand, it TOTALLY justifies your eating of more carbs. Like Joe often says, things balance out. Maybe you should sit in Steve's section. Or Lujia's. Yes. Sit with Lujia today. Yes. She is busybusy. Busy is good, as we shall see, heh heh heh (totally unconvincing, Joe knows. . . Joe has no game). Yes!

Tell Lujia that you're testing the beagle. You and she will have played this game many times before, so she will know what to do. And, basically, the game is, "Let's play with the Beagle." As in "Oh my, oh gosh, oh jeez, whatever will I do? I am so so bizzy! Where ever is my head?" and variations on a theme. That's why it's great if you go to a place that's always busy anyway, because it looks totally legit.

Have a whole bunch of things to talk about, and have a legal pad (a LONG FORM legal pad) with MANY totally stupid questions on it, you know, all smudgy, and crunkled and stuff, like you spent OhSo many days trying to develop them. It's also good if you have an "executive team" questionnaire that you "want to go over with you, briefly." Printed on 8 1/2 by 14 paper. Or 11 x 17 if you can get it. Even Better.

(Note: Don't EVER actually use these. These are stupid. If you don't have hiring authority, why are you the MP? Seriously. If you're the MP, and you don't have final hiring authority, quit right now. Either you're in charge or you're not. Here's how to tell. If you don't know, you're not.)

It's VERY helpful to have had a huge double-breakfast before you play this game with the Beagle, and even better if you tell him "don't each much tomorrow morning, because I'm taking you to lunch" because it will make him weak and defenseless, as we've learned from our friends at Gitmo (Back, Evil Bunny!). Just kidding. Joe is PRO torture, I mean, coerced confession, I mean, um. . .Joe means, um. . .encouraged cooperation.

And from here, you know the drill, right? Of COURSE you do. Take forever to get the order taken, take forever to get the food, hopefully, the order is wrong, and then it takes forever to get the FMSP (i.e. SO not-waiter) to get back to you so you can tell it, so it can get it fixed, and reordered, and so on.

And the whole point of all of this nonsense is to find out if the beagle is nice to the help. But it's worth it. And besides, don't even bother trying to lie. Joe KNOWS you've had your eye on Lujia for a while now. Why do you think I sat you in her section? Joe watches out for his MPs. Just keep Bud away from Joe for a while, would ya? He's a little TOO friendly, lately. And Joe isn't so sure about this Steve. Anybody know if this Steve has track lighting? Joe is just asking.

If the lawyer IS nice to the help, or at least understandably frustrated, then it's all to the good. Let Joe explain. Your JoeR is NEVER nice to Food Servers. Your JoeR is nice to Waiters. Joe hates the title Food Server and goes out of his way to torture, I mean, Gitmo, I mean, challenge them, in many divers and interesting ways, as the saying goes. But your JoeR's own very Mama was a Waitress, and Joe, never having quite gotten over the whole Oedipal Complex thang, and being a slow learner, through a process of inverted transference, and a raging case of Herpes [just kidding; Joe was watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off earlier], has managed to convert those positive lovey feelings toward his mama into positive likey feelings toward Waiters.

And that is why JoeR likey Waiters.

Sadly, Food Servers still suck (not in the the good JoeApproved (bing!) way). Foodservers, not as much. Why is a mystery for the ages. Why they suck, Joe means. In the bad way.

But, Joe is ALSO a snob, and a stickler for details, so, even though Joe likey waiters, he also likey good service, and, after all, Joe's own very mama was also a GOOD Waitress, and, after all, a job worth doing, is worth doing on your knees, I mean, well. So, it's okay for the beagle to be a little frustrated. What is NOT okay is for the beagle to be a punk.

It is also okay for the beagle to be a little annoyed when you tell him you took him out for a ride. It is probably not okay for him to beat the hell out of you after you tell him. Funny, yes. Probably not okay. But funny. Yes. Very very funny. Yes.

9. Joe is skipping number eight. No particular reason. Joe just felt like it. Still pissed about the whole branding thing, and taking it out on the system of integers. By the way, shout out to Joe's friend Charlie, who is probably completely surprised to see his name here. Look up, Charlie. Now smile. Charlie has a great smile. If Charlie had some more teeth, Charlie's smile would be even MORE great. Joe dedicates the whole system of integers riff to Charlie who is the only person Joe knows that's actually smart enough to get the joke. When Charlie gets some more teeth, Joe thinks Charlie will get some more, you know. . .MORE! And Charlie will smile even more. Go Charlie!

The link to hiring this lawyer is to decide how this lawyer makes you feel, or, more accurately, ask yourself, how does your GUT feel. Do you like this guy? Do you want to practice with this person? Does this person FEEL like a fit, despite the fact that this "test" is so not licit, ethical, valid, or proper? Ideally, you're making a hiring decision that'll affect a LOT of lives, hopefully for the better, but for a long LONG time in any event. We all know there's no absolutely right decision, but now is the time to listen for what some of the people Joe knows call "the still, small voice." Joe doesn't know what that means, although he has tried to learn, but it sounds really good.

What Joe thinks it means, and what Joe chooses to believe, is that the higher, smarter, wiser, intuitively deeper, most elevated and profound, and evolved part of ourselves is always ready; that is to say, prepared, and willing, to teach us; by which I mean, give us guidance and wisdom; that we've gleaned from all the sources of education, training, and input we've ever been exposed to, when, and if we'll open ourselves up to it.

I wanna be clear, which, for a moment, requires that I be serious. I'm not good at serious; in fact, I hate it. But your job is a big damn deal. Asking someone to join you as a partner is a serious commitment, both for you and them. For you, it's commiting the firm, making a promise that you'll share part of who you are to help them become more than they are, and, in connexion with that, you'll respect the fact that they're willing to join with you and commit their talent and ability, and help the firm become more "tomorrow" than it is today.

But, no matter how big you think the firm's commitment is, it's even MORE of a commitment for a lawyer; it's easy to forget that AFTER the fact. It sounds silly, but it's SO traumatic that, in most cases, it's like what happens after a woman delivers a baby; we tend to forget the intensity of the trauma, and so we minimize it. I can tell you for a fact that, for a partner considering leaving one firm for another, in many cases, it's the most traumatic experience many of them will EVER go through, including Divorce, the dissolution of Partnerships, even the deaths of spouses and/or family members.

So for a Partner considering joining a firm, they have to consider separating themselves from the Corpus of the Firm with whom they've been joined, and joining the corpus of an entirely new, and in many ways different firm. Sure, for some attorneys, maybe a lot of them, hey, no big deal, I can do this all day. . . These guys can probably have a wife, three girlfriends, six mistresses, and, who knows, maybe the Pool Boy, and it won't matter either. But for the stuff that matters, for attorneys for whom this stuff matters, it matters.

And, if it matters to YOU, and it matters to HIM. . .it's a good fit. Hire. Now smile. Yay. You and Charlie. You're like twins, how cool is that?

10. Joe's got nothin'. It's just that everybody does "ten things you MUST know before you get a bikini wax!" Joe wouldn't want you to think you were getting less for your money than you do when you buy Metrosexopolitan Magazine, or whatever. Actually, that's a helluva name for a magazine. Where's that slacker IP lawyer of Joe's? Register that right now! And peel Joe a grape! And schedule Joe a bikini wax!

Damn! Oversharing again!

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

p.s. Bring some TeaTree Lotion. Joe gets a little rashy with the waxing. . . . DAMMIT with the oversharing!

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com/

Yes!

Exorcise Your Rights-Vote For BOSSY!

2007-11-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

Your JoeRecruiter just got Epiphanized, and man, did it hurt. This happens with surprising regularity, so you would think that your JoeRec would be used to it by now, but you would be wrong. On the other hand, you would think that, by now, you would used to being wrong as often as you are, and yet, you are not. See, the Universe, oddly enough, balances itself out.

The topic of today's Sermon is: Vote for BOSSY. Let Joe Explain. But First, go get a cup of coffee. A BIIIIIIG cup of coffee. This is a long sermon. If it were printed on paper, many trees would die. Many trees will die anyway, but that is a topic for another day. Joe will wait. Please, enjoy the festive music . . . . . . . . . . . . .hmm, hmm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . la la la la la. . . . . . . . .sowing the seeds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . shape of my. . . . . . . . . . .back so soon? Oh, thank [diety]! Or not, as you will.

OK. Here we go. Someone, Joe knows not whom, and cannot be bothered to find out, came up with an award, which Joe was NOT invited to participate in, can you believe it? Joe neither. Anyway, Joe's new favourite person EVER, BOSSY, is a FINALIST! YAY!

Her name is BOSSY! She Rocks! So, take your stylish butt (not as Stylish as Joe's, but, hey, who said life is fair? Not Joe.) to http://www.iambossy.com/ and READ, for once in your totally misspent life, then, click on the link and VOTE FOR BOSSY!

For the record, this is not logrolling. Joe isn't even getting paid, or nothin'! Joe knows! How crazy is that! How many exclamation points can you put in a single posting?! What's the record?! Is double punctuation even legal?! The mind reels!

And yes, again, for the record (by the way, does anyone know what "for the record" means? Joe means, outside of a courtroom, which, Joe is very unreliably informed, is what it's saposta mean) Joe has clearly heard the wailing of the masses, and is trying Trying TRYING to get more postings up and out, but, you know, it's not as easy as you might think.

Recruiting is recruiting, but posting is, you know, actual WORK. Joe doesn't have a mouse sitting on his head, or anything, telling him what to write. Joe has to actually do all this stuff by himself. And he has to be conscious, the whole time. Joe doesn't think you appreciate how hard that actually is.

There's a lot more whine left, but Joe has to go. Junior Partner is on the phone. You remember Junior Partner don't you? For you newbies, let Joe introduce. Crowd, Junior Partner. Junior Partner, Crowd. Junior Partner is muy excitato (are those actual words?). After twisting Joe's arm (i.e. dislocating a shoulder or two), she has managed to secure a promise of a week's stay in La Ciudad Las Vegas de La Nevada de La Casinos de La Strip y Los Shows y Los Joe's Dinero en Todo Con Mucho Drinks y Fiestas y No Sueno y Mucho Fatigado para Joe. First Class.

Joe don't wanna talk about it. Joe only wanna say, could somebody, anybody, PLEASE, Joe's begging you, storm out of the Partner's meeting, and say "I'm LEAVING!!" Pretty, Pretty Please?

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

p.s. Joe without a manicure is an ugly, UGLY picture. . .Joe's just saying.

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com/

Lawyers who Frolic, & Other Shuddery Thoughts (uggggh!)

2007-10-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Your JoeRecruiter got the weirdest call this not so long ago last week. A Beagle JoeR has no choice but to call Little Bunni FuFu (trust JoeRecruiter on this. . .if you met this Beagle, you would SO understand), called in a state of High Crisis.

After looking at not one, not two, not three, but many, many of the Law firm Recruiting Sites, the Beagle In Question was beside his/her Beagle Self (in the interest of confidentiality, and also because it's screamingly funny, JoeR can not, in good conscience and poor taste, disclose LBFF's Gender. But you can guess, and play along with Joe, right?)

It would appear that, in an effort to appear charmingly delightful, relevant, and, I don't know, maybe even chummy, the Law Foims are doing "Wedge of Life" videos and pics on their websites. And, yes, for the record, JoeRecruiter will, starting now, and henceforth, flip indiscriminately, and wildly, from first to third person at the drop of a, whatever, hat, trou, dangling participle. . . doesn't matter. Hell, drop of a glucose level, or even an area of a concentration curve, Joe isn't proud. Did ya see that? What I did just now. Right there? Like that. Be carefy. It could happen at any second.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Ugh! Makes Joe shuddah. Are you kidding me? Lawyers frolicking. Fun and games on the roof of a law firm? It's, why it's, it's unseemly, is what it is. By the way, can we just clear something up, for all y'all white people out there in lawyer-land? It's NOT freakin' Bocce BALL, it's just freakin' BOCCE. It IS a Bocce ball, in the same way that it's a Soccer ball , but that's like calling the game football ball or baseball ball. What is WRONG with you? I double-dog DARE you to go to South Philly and say, "Hey, youse, can I play a game of Bocce-Ball wit you?" on a Friday afternoon and make it out alive. I don't think it can be done, and I've done more than my share of South Philly, let me just say that and leave it there.

Little Bunni FuFu's fundamental problem, and I agree, is that the firms are selling the wrong dream, and, as much as Joe hates to agree, I'm afraid that I must. Let's face it, if you're a summer-slummer, yeah, they're gonna be nice to you, but who isn't nice to the (insert appropriate sleazy term here) they're (insert appropriate mechanical description here) during the summer? You're always nice to the summer-vacation-relation. It's a super-intense master-blaster.

It's REAL LUV. About to HAPPEN. No, really, I'm SERIOUS. I never felt this way about ANYONE before. I MEAN it! Um, you ARE taking something, though, right? Just in case it doesn't work out. Not that it wouldn't. I mean, I'm TOTALLY committed to YOU. I'm just saying.

But, eventually, you know, fall has fell, and then reality sets in, and then, well, the truth, she is HERE. Thank whatever (higher power, or whatever) you (believe and/or don't) in.

[Remember when you could just say "Thank God" and if someone didn't, they just went "whatEVER!" and rolled their eyes, and that was that? I miss those days!]

And then, the beatings start. Oh, sure, at first, they just use their hands. Of course, you like it, we all like it. But when they start using the dipolar metallic alloy clips and the batteries, of course, you have to say, "um, are we getting paid overtime for this, or what?" Whoops. Perhaps Joe is oversharing.

Here's the thing, and there's just no getting away from it. I don't want my lawyer to frolic. At least, not at work. Certainly not when I'm paying him, her, or them, a couple hundred dollars an hour.

As a client, I don't wanna see that. As a recruiter, I don't wanna see that. And as a potential employee (or whatever dumb ass term they're using this week), I don't wanna see that either. Not even as a summerfun intern hoop-de-hoo party monkey.

Hell, I don't wanna see pictures of it, even if I'm snorting cocaine off a hooker's butt. On the other hand, I paid good money for those negatives, so they better not show up in People magazine, or heads are gonna roll. Damn! Oversharing, again.

Love Your Recruiter,

JoeRecruiter

p.s. And always know the name of a good bail bondsman (bondsperson?). Again, I'm just saying.

http://joerecruiter.blogspot.com

Open or Closed-Why Comp Systems Are Like Your Fly

2007-08-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

So, the discussion of Compensation Systems has once again reared up its uckin' fugly head, and, naturally, your big JoeRecruiter has to take a mean swipe at it. . .after all, it's kinda like Joe's Job. To punish the stupid. To poke at the ridiculous. And to take a big swipe at the Uckin' Fugly. What? Joe bitter? Perish the thought.

But stick with Joe for just one damn minute, Admiral, and let me explain myself. I won't mention names here, mostly because I don't have to. These persons, and I say that with reservations, these persons are already widely known, and so are their views, but let me just say that their philosophies are ALSO widely known, at least in some cases. Let me also say that their logic, while weak, and uninformed, is ALSO widely known. But a lot of what they're talking about they think only applies to Partner Compensation, as if ALL comp is NOT comp, but instead SOME comp is comp and some comp is NOT comp, which is not only stupid, but both stupid and untrue.

All compensation decisions, at the end of the day, affect the economic picture of the law firm at base, so, whether you pretend to yourself that there are two pots of money, one called Partner Money, and one called Associate Money; or three pots, Partner, Associate, and Other; or seven pots, Associate, Partner, Other, Mother, Snow White, Muffin, and Naughty Nurses, or whatever dumb ass scheme you've cooked up in your head, the truth of the matter is that, at the end of the day, or, at the very least, at the end of the money cycle, all of the money from whatever sources gets POURED into one very large pot, no matter how you track it, and it all gets divided up and split up according to whatever hare-brained scheme you've come up with.

Now, I get that certain individuals think, wrongly, that keeping all these numbers secret SEEMS like a good idea. Certain of these individuals, I suspect, care a helluva lot less about "preserving fairness" as they claim, than trying to make damn sure that nobody else finds out how much money they themselves are pulling down. But here's the thing. There's an old saying that a secret between three people is only a secret if two of them are dead, and I believe that to be true. I also believe that certain of these people would love to be able to arrange for the other two to be dead if it were within their power, but sadly, at least, most of the time, it is not.

The point, and your JoeR has one, is that, in virtually any case, it's going to be nigh on impossible to keep salary information secret. Oh, sure, you can try. You can try to keep your fifteen-year-old a virgin until she marries at the ripe old age of 25 too. Good luck with that. That's why, no matter what justification you use, no matter how GOOD it sounds, it's just, (how can Joe say this? Ah, yes . . .) never, never, frickin', ever gonna happen. Even if your name is Francisco de la Garza de la Chiquito de la Moros, or whatever the hell it is, and you are the Chairman with all power of the Largest BigLaw Of All, making pronouncements from on high. You know what, Jack? Save it.

You can pronounce until you're blue in the face, but internal power trumps pronouncements from on high, and you can't replace that with stock options, little man, so shut the hell up. The comp people, Legal Assistants, Secretaries, and others who actually do the work of law firms have information to trade, and until you can find them another, better substitute, or get them laid FAR more often than they do, you got nothin' to say. [For the record, Joe made the whole thing up. . .the actual law firm Joe is picking on is not the biggest law firm ever, but Joe wanted to make a point. . .geddit?]

The only solution. . .let me repeat that, for the hard of thinking. . . the only solution is to have an open, that is an open compensation system. Put it all out there. Hell, if it were me (and by the way, at one point, it was me, so I'm speaking from experience, thank you very much), I'd post the matrix, the rules, the guidelines, everything, in the damn cafeteria/breakroom, bathroom, whatever, so that everyone is on the same page, and everyone knows, to the dollar, what everyone else makes.

I know that about half of you are cringing, sinking back into your Herman Miller chairs, thinking to yourselves "I can't do that. . .they'll, they'll kill me!" And maybe they will. But only if your comp plan is uckfayed upyay. If it's fair. . .if it's really and truly fair, then you've nothing to worry about. Lawyers are jerks, and prima donnas, and sometimes not very nice, and they're even greedy, but, in the main, they are fair. Mostly. Usually. Okay. Sometimes.

But you don't have to care about that. You can BE fair, and, you know, screw them. They can be not fair on their own time. . .not your problem. And if that means you have to change your comp plan, then change the damn thing. I swear, it's not very complicated. And if they stamp they tiny feets and fuss and cuss, let 'em. Even the best lawyers can't leave overnight, and if their comp is so good that they don't want anyone else to know about it, it's too good to leave over.

And if they do want to leave, well, that's just damn good news for JoeR anyway, in two directions. And damn good news for the firm, too. It means you just lost a wimp-ass lawyer, and you can find someone with actual cojones. YAY! Everybody wins.

Post the information, and let the chips fall where they fall. It's a lot less hassle. You don't have to remember to lie to anybody. It weakens the Vulcan Death Grip that the Non-Lawyer Staff has on information flow in the firm, and it makes every single operation in the firm more transparent, believe it or don't. Now, for a while, the firm MP, Chair, or Busta Move Head Person will have to endure his/her share of screaming phone calls, that IS true.

Here is your Uncle Joe's Guaranteed Never-Fail Screaming Telephone Call Response (mostly to wives, but also to boyfriends/bitchy "partners"): "LulaBelle (or Name), you're right. Stan [not his real name] DOES make more than Jed [also not his real name]. But I'll make you a promise. As soon as Jed works as many hours, as hard, and as well, as Stan; does his job as well; and makes as few excuses as to why his work product isn't as good as Stan's, I'll put my enormous ass on the line to get Jed as much money as I'm paying Stan, maybe even more. And I'll tell you something else, darlin'. It might pay for you to use that lung power of yours on HIS ears as opposed to mine, because right now, you're screaming up the wrong tailpipe, if you take my meaning."

Yes, it's tasteless. Rude. Totally illegal in 55 of the 50 states (Joe is counting Texas, all of them). But it'll shut her the hell up. And that is what we want. And it'll focus her considerable powers on him. It's almost always a him. Husbands of Female attorneys don't seem to have these problems.

Let us recap, Joe and you. Closed comp systems, Bad. Open Comp systems, Good. Painful, but good. Joe means, Good. Screaming spouses, Bad. But funny. Spouses screaming at their lawyer lesser half. Good. And VERY funny.

Class Dismissed.

Love Your Recruiter!!!

Don't forget the lubricant.

JoeRecruiter.

Suck It. Imperative, Declarative, or Interrogatory? Discuss.

2007-08-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

First of all, let's establish some ground rules. I won't be talking in third person much today. Takes too much time, and I ain't got that kind of time. Also, I'm bitter. How bitter you ask? Well, let me see. Double Asparagus, no celery for two weeks bitter, and musty bitter at that.

With respect to the typeface, let's just say that this decision was imposed on me by the good people at Blogspot. Thank you, good people at blogspot. Let's also remind ourselves that it is JUST past the SECOND anniversary of the first request for an internal spell-checker for postings for our blogs. In fairness, Joe was NOT the first to request a spell-checker, oh MY no.

So, why the bitterness? You are all, of course, familiar with the expression, evil and sexist tho it may be "Bros before, um, something something-O-S", right? For those of you pretending to be dumb, it means that your friend doesn't, um, "sock"-block you if you're out and you find you like someone and you decide to make a run for them, even if your friend ALSO thinks they're cute. You get first dibs.

AFTER you crash and burn, IF you're not too traumatized, and especially IF you decide you were too good for them, THEN your friend MAY ask for permission to approach. OF course, this only counts if your friend is NOT your wing-man. For the record, even if your friend is a girl, and she decides to go for the cutie, because that's the reason she rejected you [you should be so lucky], she is still referred to as a "wing-man" if that's what she was being when you went out. There is NO such thing as "wing-woman", just like there's no such thing as"dudette."

Anyway, Joe's friend broke the no approach rule, and Joe really REALLY dug the hottie. So Joe told the friend (who was NOT being a wing-man, but STILL) "we're done." And then silence ensued for many days, and Joe avoided all their places, and phone calls, and whatnot. Finally, just hours ago, ex-friend managed to trap Joe at a locale, and said "hey aren't you going to say anything to me?" and Joe, obligingly said, "Yeah. . . . suck it!", and that's how we ended up with the theme for this installment of the blog. Yay! Thank You ex-friend. For the record, I decided I'm too good for the cutie, anyway. I hope it was worth it.

Oddly enough, I didn't decide to relate this jumbled tale of pathos to you either to elicit sympathy or or to share with you my messed up life, but rather, I thought it sort of neatly paralleled the big hoo-hah with Associate Pay, Partner shifts, jealousy among the Mid-Associate ranks over associate pay hikes, and various and sundry other issues.

Let me see if I can make sense of this for you. Okay. I can't. No one can. It's a mess. No one can make sense of this for you. Because it's freakin' stupid. But I'll try to clear at least some of it up.

First of all, the Associate Pay Hikes fiasco. Everybody has talked about this. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is listening. The firms know it's a game. Recruiters know it's a game. The Law Schools know it's a game. Even newly-minted and freshly scrubbed Associates know it's a game. So why do they do it? Because, everybody's trapped inside a feedback loop that they can't get out of. How can I explain this? I got it.

Remember the closing credits of the Jetsons when George goes out to walk Astro? Right. After Astro starts chasing that stupid cat and jumps OFF the treadmill, George is trapped on it, and can't get off, and it sucks him down under and around and around and around and around, and he yells for Jane to come and "stop this crazy thing!"? The Associate Pay Hike Game is George Jetson on the freakin' treadmill. Sadly firm MPs are either too unaware (not very bloody likely) or too proud (Mos' Def) to call for Jane to come help them, and stop this ccrazy thing.

For their part, the Associates rock it, because there's nothing that's better for a baby-lawyer than telling a potential conquest how much he makes, unless it's Ro-Hypnol, and that crap's not as easy to get as it once was, and, even when you have it, people are MUCH less trusting than they once were. . .these days, they take their drinks WITH them when they go potty. . . .or so Joe's heard.

Of course, Mid-level Associates, especially junior middles (the very WORST associates, the associates EVERYONE loves to hate, including clients, partners, MPs, recruiters, small children, and their pets, and most other forms of sentient life, including OTHER Mids), are LOVING this, because they see it as THEIR Ticket to Ride [the asses of partners, HR, EDs, their Mentors, and everybody else they haven't annoyed, tormented, or alienated . . . .yet). Granted, that's an excruciatingly small percentage of the population of the known universe, but they don't muchly care. . .a Mid's job is to torture, the same way a Mongoose's job is to attack a Cobra, and my Ex's job was to suck out my soul.

So now, there's another arrow in their liverish quiver. . .one more whine to gratingly apply to the ears of their friends, colleagues, and superiors. . .(imagine a scratchy tin horn playing in the background while one of Satan's minions plays a badly tuned violin and the evil Mid scratches his yellowish and perversely thick nails on a blackboard, while delivering this speech:)

"Since the new Associates are getting raises, and they haven't even DONE anything to deserve a raise, and since WE are the ones who do the all the work around here, don't you think it's appropriate to ask foR consideration for at least a SMALL increase in compensation during the next salary review period? After all, WE are the ones who train the new people, take on the majority of complex work that has to be done, and deal with the Senior staff as well. I mean, we do a LOT!" And so on and so FORTH. WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!!

Okay, that's all true, sort of. And yet, NOBODY CARES. Nobody. See what happens when even a Brown Recluse says to himself "Self, just walk away. You don't want any part of this. It's a MIDDY. You bite this guy, he'll poison YOU." Fortunately for them, most Mids work through this stage of their lives and become Seniors (for those not quite WITH the program, what I mean is Senior Associates, who are actually almost human, insofar as an Attorney CAN be considered a human, and I won't get into the discussion as to whether or not a lawyer IS considered to be still Human. Me, I vote yes, but then, I'm a legal recruiter. . .what the hell do I know?). Seniors are great. Almost Partners, absolutely not Mids. And they know more than newby Associates. If they were food (and for most BigLaws, they are) they would be a tasty snack.

Some out there in the quasi-real world have foolishly attributed the "jealousy" over beginning pay hikes to Seniors. Wrong. Mayhaps a few Mid-to-Seniors are unhappy. There are dummies in EVERY profession, we all know that. But, the truth of the matter is that the overwhelming percentage of the kvetching has come from the Mids. Even if I liked them, I'd still have to admit to this, and so would they.

In a few markets, it's true that Senior pay hasn't kept up, and it's ALSO true that SOME Seniors at SOME firms have been getting reamed for years on bonuses, but we ALL know who these people are, and we all know who these firms are, and if you're stupid enough to work for a firm like this, you get what you deserve.

Let me also say that these firms ALSO know who THEY are, and Lawyers are abandoning them like rats from a burning Spanish Galleon, as well they should, and if YOU are a law firm that knows WHY good lawyers are leaving you, and you don't have the sense to fix the problem, then you don't get to complain about it.

Joe hears this all the time. Joe READS about it all the time. And so does everybody else. Complain, complain, complain. Gripe, gripe, gripe. Moan, moan, moan. You know what? Shut the hell up! I mean it. I'm dead serious. You guys know what the problem is. You caused it. It's YOUR freakin' fault. You don't want to change anything, then DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING. But stop WHINING about what's wrong . Especially stop acting like a poor innocent VICTIM for pete's sake. Like you were just STANDING there, and then all this terrible stuff just sort of HAPPENED to you.

I swear, if I read ONE MORE ARTICLE about how Law Firms can't get attorneys to stay, how quality suffers, how there's no continuity, and how clients are beginning to feel abandoned, I may just climb to the top of the tallest tower in my home town, strip down to my jammies, and start shooting spitwads at passers-by. It's been a while, but I was pretty good there for a while with my wrist-rocket, and I don't care WHAT you say. . .paper is environmentally friendly.

So, class, what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Mids are ev. . .I mean, that Mids have a way to go. Partners rock. Law Firms are mostly victims of the problems that they cause themselves, and that spitwads are environmentally friendly. It has been a rich, and a full day.

Oh, and we learned about wing-men. Teach your wing-man. Make sure she has your back.

Love Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

The Perils of Pursuing Partner Perfection, or, Close Enough IS Close Enough!

2007-07-31T03:58:00.000-07:00

So, as Joe is sure you can imagine, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. Joe has been on a junket. Not, not a Press Junket. Joe doesn't know what one of those is, but it sounds dirty, and therefore fun.

No, this was the mid-summer-bummer Dog and Pony Road Show, in Mind-Numbing Snooze-O-Color! Big YawnFest. Not for the firms, of course. They freakin' love it. Sorry, Joe means, uh, LOVE it! LOVE IT! YES~! Because they're freaks, man! Freakin' freaks. YES~! No, Joe kids. They're NOT freaks. The MPs are freakin' freaks. YES~!

To tell the truth, Joe is mostly bitter because Junior Partner has been somewhat less available than in the past. Truth be told, Junior Partner is almost about close to be nearby to becoming NOT-Junior Partner, which brings some ISSUES to the fore. We'll talk about this later.

What Joe wanted to share with you, noble readers, and what made Joe realize that MPs, and others of their ilk, are freakin' freaks, is a series of skull-crushing meetings during the dogandponyroadshow (as opposed to skull crushers during the workout, which Joe actually digs, don't ask why), when Joe realized that this particular episode of the blog was writing itself in Joe's fertile and massive brain. This often happens.

But what was particularly interesting (and also particularly irritating at the same time), was the combo Deja Vu and "bad taste in the mouth" feeling in virtually all of the "Meet and Greets" with all the MPs and/or Exec Committees (and sometimes both), especially when the conversation got around to Partner recruiting, partner development, building the firm in specific practice areas, bluh bluh bluh, you know the drill. . . .

Joe suddenly realized (okay, not suddenly. . .as Joe has said before, this eerie, creepy, slightly oozy, slimy feeling has been around for a while), that the problem is a HUGE disconnect. . .MPs don't get it. Partners don't get it. Law firms don't get it. Nobody don't get it. We're all missing something. Actually a lot of things. And we've been talking past one another for a long time, and we're getting worse at capturing the important details. Which makes it even worse.

So, Joe has decided to break it down for ya. Try to streamline it, and lay it out. Took Joe a while, but I think I have it distilled down to some of the things that everyone needs to know. Firms. Lawyers. Exec Committees. MPs. Evvabody else. Ready? Here we go.

Let Joe set this up for ya a little bit, 'kay? Everybody wants the best Attorneys, the best Partners, the best EVERYTHING, and they SAY they want the best environments, and they want to BE the best places to work, but they don't HAVE the best environments, or do the things that the best attorneys want. So. The list below reflects the wants, needs, and, inasmuch as it's possible, the best thinking about HOW to get everybody "on the same page" (Joe hates that expression) with respect to the recruitment process. It'll probably change a lot next week, but, for right now, here's the list, in no particular order:

1. Book Size: This one drives Joe crazy. YES, a book is important. YES, lawyers DO need to be able to creae business, and, YES, a lawyer SHOULD have HAD a reasonably big book at SOME point, but it doesn't HAVE to be today. Business EBBS and it FLOWS. A Million dollar book today means absolutely nothing for tomorrow despite what anybody thinks, and this isn't just Joe's opinion. . .there are dozens of studies demonstrating the same thing. Besides, a new envionment means different constraints on an individual lawyer's ability to generate business.

The most important limiting factor (or, more correctly, DE-limiting factor) is what kind of support the firm is willing to give the lawyer once he comes aboard. THAT is the number one predictor of success in business-building once a lawyer transitions, regardless of the size of their book at time of offer.

2. Scheduling and Work Options: Joe flat does not understand why this is an issue. Law firms are absolutely PACKED with the highest concentration of smart people of any organizational type in the country. Why law firm management can't figure out simple stuff like flexible scheduling, job-sharing, telecommuting, and other flexible work options is beyond his ability to fathom. SERIOUSLY. For an overwhelming majority of the tasks lawyers have to do, there is just NO good reason for them to BE in the office. Face time IS important, if someone actually NEEDS to see your face. But, for most of us, except for our weekly meetings, or a chance meeting on the way to the little professional's room, we're not going to meet up with anybody who needs to SEE our mug. Especially for some lawyers, greater flexibility with respect to spending time in the office could, and, by the way absolutely WOULD make the difference between going to work for a specific law firm, and declining to have the conversation.

Let Joe give you a real-life example. Client was LMNOP Law Firm. VERY good. VERY smart. Wanted to add a BUNCH of Lawyers. Had offices in several New England and Atlantic states. Only interested in the best and brightest, as you would be, right? Only problem. . .the commute to ONE office was particularly bad in one state. Joe beat those bushes like they were giving diamonds. Begged the Firm MP to let the attorney candidates telecommute, work from home, come in a few DAYS a week, anything to make the commute more palatable. . .nope, says the MP, nothin' doin'.

You know what happened. Joe found about a half-dozen lawyers who were actually SPECTACULAR. Multi-state admitted, huge books of business, top of their game, and willing to talk. But not willing to commute. Two even lived nearer one office than the office for which Joe was looking. Do you think the MP would let them work from THAT office? No way! For the record, Joe resigned the Client. The firm is still looking for lawyers.

The worst thing about it is that the primary reason behind NOT allowing for these options has nothing to do with saving money, or confidentiality, or legalities, or procedural issues, or operations, or anything else. It costs less; there are no concerns with confidentiality; privacy concerns are no greater than they are with in-office computers; in fact, they're almost exactly the same, especially with respect to server issues; and, with respect to procedures, again, transparent. No, it all has to do with ego. Specifically, with the ego of management.

Management wants lawyers where they can SEE them. Which is kind of stupid, actually. Because it's a helluva lot easier to monitor you on the computer than it is by walking past your office and looking at the back of your head. But managers, of most all types, want to be able to "see" you working. We still have this mentality that if I can't SEE that you're working, you're probably not working. . .this is why we still have lawyers that won't leave the office until AFTER their boss leaves. . .regardless of how early they get into the office themselves. It's crazy. But it sort of leads us into our next section, which is. . . .

3. Value Billing versus Billable Hours: Joe still doesn't understand why Law Firms even bother with hourly billing anymore. It's not just stupid. It's freakin' stupid. Don't think so? Take this test:

Me: From now on, I'd like you to pay me hourly whilst I'm looking for attorneys for you, m'kay?

You: Are you high? We only pay for results! You bring us a good attorney, we pay you.

Me: Yeah, but you expect other people to pay YOU for all the other work you do which has NOTHING to do with results, you know, like research and copying, and this and that. . . .

You: Yeah, but all of that stuff is necessary, in order for me to be successful at my job, and to GET the RESULTS.

Me: Yeah, me too.

ONE HOUR LATER. . . . .

Me: So, about that hourly billing thing?

You: Sorry, like I said, we only pay for results.

Me: [sigh]
.................................................................................................

Didja geddit?

As we noted above, Lawyers are really smart people. . .sometimes. But they're also herd animals sometimes too. Or they're just really comfortable doing the same things over again and again and again and again, or SOMEthing. Joe doesn't know. What Joe DOES know is that Lawyers DO have it within their power to bill on value and NOT bill on time.

Is it possible that you'll lose some of your clients over this decision? Yeah, it's possible. But the research shows pretty convincingly that once you start to value bill, you'll spend less actual "clock" time on individual matters, which means you'll be able to dispose of more total matters per calendar year, whether a small firm or a biglaw firm. More matters, more money; more money, more profit; more profit, bigger jet; bigger jet, better vacation; better vacation, better disposition; better disposition, better clients; better clients, more money; more money, more profit; and on and on and on.

Plus, Joe thinks (and so does the rest of the world, not counting lawyers), that hourly billing makes it LOOK like there's a temptation to overstaff and overbill, just to pump hours. Joe doesn't know any lawyer who would do such a thing, but it doesn't matter if you would or not. .that whole thing about avoiding the appearance and whatnot. . .Value Billing eliminates it instantly. It also eliminates the complaints (loud and crabby tho they may be) from many clients about the rising costs of associates, and over-reliance on associate billing, and associate time, and so on. Plus, it helps to minimize (sadly, it doesn't eliminate completely) the complaints that associates are being trained at client expense (this is a stupid argument, granted. . .ALL lawyers are trained at client expense. . .and all DOCTORS are trained at patient expense. . .it's called EXPERIENCE. . . .DUH! Joe fails to see the problem with this).

Again, and, not to beat a dead metaphor even worse, but. . .never mind, bad idea. But let us go back and talk about your trusty Surgeon. Or your trusty Dentist. Or your itty bitty Kitty's trusty Vet. Or any of your many other Licensed Professionals, other than Accountants, because Joe blames Accountants for this hourly billing nonsense. Even your trusty Seminar Guru has a price, whether her name is Lyla and she's so chirpy happy you want to punch her in the mouth just to see if she ALWAYS smiles, or his name is Federico and he's so "out of the box" and "empowered" you wonder if he's ever said anything in the past ten years that wasn't a metaphor. All of them have a standard price ("It's $10,000 a day, whether 10 people participate, or 100.").

Now granted, your Surgeon bills differently, probably. . .Joe suspects she doesn't give a flat rate for, say, five cholecystectomies, whether they're all the same day or not (although it might be worth finding out). Nevertheless, the point is still valid, if, by this point, beat into the ground. Value billing is the way to go. Otherwise, lawyers will end up working even LONGER hours for LESS money for NO good reason. There's one MORE good reason not to bill hourly (i.e. get PAID hourly). If flat rate pay is good enough for executives in these giant-super-mega-corporations, it should be good enough for lawyers. Joe can't prove it, but, in the place where, if he HAD a heart, his heart would be, Joe honestly believes that corporations and corporate types like hourly billing because it allows them to think of lawyers as "hourly workers," and that, by itself, is a good enough reason to abandon hourly billing.

4. Team Support: Lawyers like their teams, sometimes. But when a lawyer tells you that they want to bring their team with them, or asks if there will be suport for their team, there should be no hesitation, not even one minute's worth. . .it's either "yes" or "I'm sorry we couldn't find enough common ground, but I wish you well." There is no in-between. Now granted, some attorneys are going to want to raise the stakes in the negotiation, as well they should. Law Firms always act scandalized when lawyers ask for more than they got at their last firm. Why? It's a negotiation. They're SUPPOSED to ask for more. You're supposed to get them to want less, or tell them they have to work harder for it. That's the whole idea.

While we're on the subject, let Joe talk to potential job-movers for a little minute. You know, you don't have to get up on your high-horsey about every little thing. You MAY IN FACT be the best lawyer in the world. Joe doesn't care. Joe only deals with the BOB (Best of the Best) in the first place, so don't think Joe hasn't been down this road before. But you're still ASKING someone to hire you, even if THEY came to YOU (or even if JOE came to you), so be a LITTLE civilized. Not because you NEED to. . .clearly you don't. But you're trying to clear some ground for the transition period, and you WILL need the support of people inside the firm to help make you successful THERE, even if you have a Billion-Dollar book.

Joe has seen incredibly successful attorneys go down in flames, in less than a year, because they alienated their NEW firm at the gate. ESPECIALLY if you're a rainmaker already, you MUST charm, and disarm, all the people in your new home, from the receptionists all the way to the MP's Assistant, and beyond. But even if you're not looking, it never hurts to be civil.

With respect to the hiring firm, it's a simple enough proposition: Give as much support as you can, with REASONABLE boundaries. Give the marketing support. Find out what they were doing at the other firm. Did it work? Why or why not? Make it part of the offer, contingent on their succes at your firm. And don't pull the plug until someone OTHER THAN THE MP has a chance to review their efforts and success. And don't yank them off their plan and then expect them to meet the protocol you set up with them. If they're not working to plan because YOU screwed up the plan, that's YOUR fault.

5. Head 'em up, move 'em out: This one is self-explanatory, but it's a big, HUGE problem. It takes too damn long to make a hiring decision. This is what you have to do. ..all of you. Beg, borrow, steal, or, preferably, BUY a copy of "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, and read it, cover to cover. It will teach you about the power of immediate and powerful decision-making with short-context. Learn about the power of "thin-slicing." Then use it. The truth is, we don't make such good choices when we take longer at them. The research shows that there is, in fact, a slightly negative correlation to good decision-making with respect to hiring decisions overall. It sort of depends on the profession.

In the legal world however, the research demonstrates pretty clearly that the est hires, over time, are those that MPs and Hiring Committess "felt" were the ones they liked instantly, regardless of the time it took to eventually get them hired. In English, we're pretty good at "intuiting" (is that a word?) who is going to be successful inside our firms, no matter how long we eventually end up taking to hire them. Does that mean that Joe thinks we should just jettison the long, drawn out, painfully, carefully, slow and thoughtful hiring, vetting, and screening process? Oh, HELL yeah!

It's TOO cumbersome. It's a freakin' nightmare. And, NOBODY likes it. Plus, it has cost a LOT of law firms some really REALLY good candidates, and soured them, AND THEIR FRIENDS on those very same firms. This is not good. Not for the candidates. Not for the firms. Not for the profession. And, ABSOLUTELY, not for the Joes of the world.

Don't misunderstand, Joe knows that candidates drag they feets too. And that sucks bad. But Joe thinks this is symptomatic, i.e. it's because they know that the firms aren't in a hurry, so they drag their feet, because they know the firm's going to drag ITS feet. Joe thinks there should be some way to "fast track" the hiring process.

But there's even a more important reason to speed the process up, not just one of cost, or of irritation, or any of these secondary matters. It has to do with valuing the process. Lawyers (actually, any 'employee' for lack of a better term, at least in this context) attach significance to what they SEE management paying attention to. In other words, if management doesn't VALUE the hiring process, the lawyers won't see it as valuABLE, and it diminishes THEIR perceived VALUE.

It's kind of weird, but lawyers see themselves as important to management when they SEE that the management team sees the hiring process as important, because it's a DIRECT demonstration that the means of production (after all, lawyers ARE the means of production in a law firm) has significance and worth to those who are in a position to impact it. Don't try to figure it out; it doesn't have to make sense for it to be true, but it IS true.

The bottom line is this: When management lollygags around and drags its feet, it not only hurts the firm and costs it money, and risks losing a potentially great lawyer (or several), but it also hurts productivity INSIDE the firm, because it calls into question its commitment to lawyers who are already INSIDE the firm. Goofy, but true.

6. Talk to the Hand: This one is pretty easy. Candidates are usually represented by a recruiter. Talk to the recruiter. Work through the recruiter. S/he has usually been to this rodeo before, and will know what to expect. S/he can do the hand-holding required, and help expedite whatever you need. Also, the recruiter will want information DIRECTLY from you anyway, so you might as well give it to them. More importantly, if this is the CANDIDATE's first time at the rodeo, they'll want to guide them through the process themselves. And finally, THEY know the candidate a LOT better than you do. . .and the candidate knows THEM a lot better than you do.

Joe's seen law firms lose really good candidates by rather clumsily trying to go around the recruiter, for no good reason, and to no good effect. Joe knows why firms want to do it. . .they reasonably believe that "direct is best." It's not to be sneaky, or avoid paying, or anything like that (we're getting paid, anyway, once we submit the candidate). But, from the candidate's perspective, they often feel like they're being abandoned, or pulled away from someone they know, and they freak.

Seriously, take Joe's advice. . .stay a good two steps away, and let the recruiter manage the candidate, until the offer has been accepted, and the appointment for orientation is set.

7. Mirrors Don't give Insight, they give Short Sight: To be blunt, internal reviews, while sometimes fun, and always interesting, are really REALLY bad at uncovering what's truly wrong with your firm, because law firms, more than almost any other organizational type, LOVE to kill the messenger. In fact, they DELIGHT in it. It's their almost favourite thing. If they could kill the same messenger, again and again, as many times as they wanted to, in the same day, and have that person resurrected, only to be killed again, without limit, Joe suspects very little lawyering would get done. . .that's how much law firms like to kill their own messengers.

Because of this virtual bloodlust, law firms and the people that populate them are notoriously bad at looking at themselves critically, and honestly, and truly identifying what the hell is wrong with them. There are many things. Poor management practices. Egos run amok. Outdated compensation plans. Goofy bonus pyramids. Dumb scheduling programs. Antiquated time and attendance policies. That's the good stuff. The funny thing is, almost ALL lawyers, and law firms, WANT to be places where people WANT to come to work.

Joe has only met a FEW lawyers that didn't really like other people, and didn't honestly believe that the practice of law was an honorable profession, populated by honorable people, who aim, every day, to do right by the people with whom they work. So what happened? Nobody knows. But it's time to look up from the case books and sniff the air, and upgrade those practices. . .and look outside for the answers. Because everbody knows. . .they aren't inside the firms. . .at least, not yet.

8. Culture? We don't need no stinking Culture!: This is Joe's favorite. Every time Joe sees some MP or CEO or whatnot blathering on about his/her firm's culture, Joe heads for the nearest bathroom. Joe has a delicate stomach. Culture, like "thinking out of the box" and "empowerment" is one of those terms that everybody is in love with, and doesn't have the least idea about. People seem to think that culture is fixed, immutable, unchanging, and up to their control, when, in reality, it is NONE of those things.

A firm's culture is created, negotiated, and informed by the organization's members, and, as such, is constantly being re-created, re-negotiated, and changed, both as people come and go, and as the stories, myths, legends, triumphs, and meanings change. THAT is why it's hard to get a fix on it. THAT is why people say "Well, ol' Bob just didn't understand our culture around here," and Bob says "That place was a freakin' Zoo, and no Zookeeper!"

It's also why mergers are so damn hard to accomplish. People become acculturated by ONE organization, join with ANOTHER organization, but combine into a THIRD organization, and the organizational leaders think that it'll just work itself out "somehow." Yeah, good luck with that. On the other hand, mis-matched organizational cultures are NOT reason enough NOT to undertake a merger. . .the cultures of both firms are going to change anyway, so it doesn't really matter if there's not a match today. . .unless Organization A is so powerful that it can subsume Organization B's culture, or vice versa, the culturality of either and/or both is irrelevant.

Given the blather above, and the factual realities, Joe would like to see an immediate suspension of all this chatter about culture until people start learning what the hell culture actually is. Read a book. Take a class. Get on the internet. Do something. But let's not throw that word around like it means something until we actually start to know HOW to use it. You know. . .think outside the box, and empower yourselves to learn a little bit about culture, is all Joe's sayin'.

Time to go. Y'all won't ever believe this, but it's Junior Partner calling. Special Ring. O Happy Day! Joe needs to work on giving love to Junior Partner. In the meantime. . . .

Love Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

Don't Bare your Bodkin or That Mirkin is Workin'!

2007-07-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Well, sports fans, it has been SOME of those weeks, let Joe tell something to you. This entry will have a whole mess o' little tests in it, and you can bet your Golden Banana on that. But let me tell you why. . .(for the record, just in case your Twonky isn't fully operational, there have been Six, so far. . .let's go over them. . .The first, Shakespeare, duh. Second, the Mirkin. Third, the Ramon Reference. Fourth, the Banana. Fifth, let me tell you why. And sixth, the Twonky.) Now, had Joe Vastened you fully on the Twonky reference, it would have been a twofer, and, of course, if Joe had said "some of these DAYS," instead of some of those weeks, that would have made the total EIGHT.

Why all the tests? Well, apparently, things are not advancing well enough with Junior Partner. Oh, trust Joe, in the illicit and sleazy department, things are going EXACTLY as well as they should be (and, for the record, let us just say that a Certain Restaurant and Lounge Combo and That Towers Over La Ciudad Sinho has taken more of Joebo's money than anybody else for FAR too long, and Joe will be fixing THAT crap up in a VERY short time!).

So, Jinkies!, it looks like it's time to find a fill-in (actually SEVERAL fill-ins. . .Junior Partner is NO punk when it comes to, uh, 'generating work' if you catch Joe's meaning), thus the test.

Given Joe's winning smile, strikingly cute face, rock-hard butt, and shy, almost. . .retiring personality, SOMETHING had to be done to, you know, have SOME kind of qualifying SOMETHING. . .there just aren't enough hours in the day otherwise. . .and Joe has to get a little work out SOMETIMES.

Speaking of which, what is going ON with you people? Especially you Associates? Especially you SENIOR Associates? Especially you Senior Associates who want to make Partner, and CLEARLY are not reading the Joester well enough (or, can Joe say this. . .frequently enough. By the way, Joe DOES take requests. . . .TIME FOR AN ASIDE. . .WALK WITH ME. . .)

ASIDE: In response to the, actually, surprisingly numerous inquiries, Joe wants to tell you that he would VERY MUCH like to blog more often, but doesn't usually have a lot to say, until something gets under his recruiting skin. Plus, even though it doesn't look like it, Joe actually has to work. . .like a DAWG, to afford the lifestyle to which he has SO become accustomed, but even more so. . .but don't tell anyone for pete's sake. Anyway, you can talk to Joe about anything, you know that, right? It's between just us monkeys. Joe's just saying. But, yeah, talk to Joe about stuff you want to know more about. What we really think. Junk like that there. If you ever tell anyone you caught Joe in a gentle moment, Joe WILL find you. I'm just saying. ASIDE ENDS HERE.

So, about these Associates. And the "NEW" news about Associate pay going sky-high. Of course, there's always a trade-off. Yeah, there is. Look, don't go crazy over the money at the BigLaws going up and down, and what the offset is. It's a game Associates, Firms, the LawPress, and the rest of us have been playing with one another for years.

Clients play it too: "Oh ma gawd, Board, them Loyers are stickin' it to us agin; whut we gon' dew Paw!?

Board: Tragedy, thy name is Lawyer! Ay, Crew-el world. Visit not 'pon this poor company again thy vicious treacheries! Ah, Fie! Blah, Blah. . .we have no choice, nay none at all, but to tell all the investors that we took a bath because of unusual and unexpected increases in operating expenses, but if you piss us off again, we won't protect you, we'll burn you like a witch at the stake in Old Salem, you got me!?

Client: Yuppers, I shore do! In the meantime, could we discuss my comp?

Board: Go thou, fiend. And, no frickin' way. You're lucky we even HAVE external counsel, ya putz!

And so it goes.

Meanwhile, recruiters call you dorks up, and you act like you're each, and individually, the only people on the planet who ever read Prosser's 2nd. . .but you're not smart enough to pretend you even LIKED it (some of us DID, by the way. . .ruh roh!). And we say "hey. . . you. . . (hint. . .7th clue). . .wanna work for a really dynamic law firm?" and we don't even bug you or ANYTHING, and you're all SNOTTY about it.

And when we ask for ACTUAL details, you get all defensive. Well guess what, Scooter? We do as much PRE-search as we can, but, not actually BEING psychic Joeself (many recruiters, it turns out, are also, NOT psychic), I NEED to know if my guess is as good as it is, or if you're only a REALLY GOOD lawyer, and not So Good Joe's Mother Would Throw Joe Under The Bus To Adopt You GOOD Lawyer.

Because here's the thing, Oh Great among the Greatest. Joe may be a punk, but he's as arrogant as YOU are, and he has YEARS on you, building a reputation for finding the BEST lawyers, not just the SECOND best, or the ALMOST best, or the. . . you get the idea.

But here's the OTHER thing. EVERY recruiter in the world wants the best candidate they can find. Just like every Lawyer wants the best client they can find. Yeah, there ARE some Lawyers that like to bottom feed, but that's not YOU, right? Well, it isn't Joe, either. And it isn't MOST other recruiters in the world. And it isn't virtually ANY Law Firm. EVERYBODY wants the best they can find.

Now it's also true that water finds its own level, and there is a limit as to how GOOD people are willing to pay for. . .there's a reason why some people buy cars with, say, "Cord" on the Marque, and some pay more for, ummmmm. . . .oh. . ."Jenz", let's say. There's also a reason why Joe drinks certain types of effervescent beverages as opposed to others, and Joe thinks we're all on the same page here.

Having said ALL of the above. . .if Joe has learned ANYTHING, either by himself, or by listening, VERY carefully, to EVERYONE who EVER said ANYTHING about recruiting, or hiring lawyers, or anything else. . . Joe has learned THIS, for SURE (Joe has a BIG FRICKIN' MOUTH, but Joe always, Always, ALWAYS listens to people who have experience that he does not, especially when THEY are doing what he is NOT YET ABLE to do. . .Joe listens to EVERYTHING. You can ALWAYS discard that which is worthless, but if you never hear it, you'll never even know):

You may have the perfect job, today. You may have the PERFECT life, today. You may BE perfect. Today. But life can change COMPLETELY, tomorrow. So always, Always, ALWAYS listen when someone offers you another option. You can always say no. But ALWAYS listen. Because, unless you have the power to CHANGE the future, you really can't KNOW it.

And that is the end of our sermon. If you'll please return your hymnals to the holder in front of you, you may consider yourself excused. Joe is DONE preaching for today. Joe is APPARENTLY full of some kind of Spirit.

In any event, be flattered when someone wants to talk to you for a job. It could be worse. . .they could want NOT to talk to you. Joe's just saying.

LOVE your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

p.s. Now get out there and send people to the damn blog. . .spread far and wide the word! (hey, once Joe gets started preaching, he goes for it!)

CORRECTION:

It has been brung to Joe's attenzione that there were, in fact (as opposed to in point of fact. . .we'll be getting back to this in a moment, by the way), TEN potential references, not eight, as adduced in the foregoing. In Joe-glish, this means, I said they wuz eight insides, if you count all the potentials, but they is in fact ten. Because Joe foolishly forgot to count at the END of the rant, to, you know, CLOSE OUT the rant, which is HIGHLY irregular (hint: another one. The exact quote is: "This is HIGHLY irregular Commander!").

While we're at it, Joe would like someone to explain to him when you should say "in fact. . ..bluh bluh bluh. . ." and when you should say "in point of fact, bluh bluh bluh. . . ." Joe is JUST asking.

A QUESTION OF SIZE-Reposted by Permission.

2007-06-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

You may be saying to your self "self, I thought we COVERED this already. . . .Joe, what is this all about? And Joe would say "Too, true, too true, but one of Joe's favourite (okay, not really favourite. . .okay, really sort of favourite, but not charmingest favourite) persons posted this post elsewhere, and sent it to Joe, and Joe dug it, so Joe asked to re-post, and here you are, and here is WHY.

The Question of materials, in general, comes up from time to time. Like, you know, ALL the time. "Hey, Joe," say the beagles, "hey, how long should my rezzy really BE, Joe? What should I put in there Joe? Which is better, Corned Beef or Pastrami?"

You know, really, well, FOUNDATIONAL questions. Joe often ponders these things (except the one about Corned Beef and Pastrami. . .that one. . .that one is a toughie. . .it will require many MANY more sandwiches to answer). And when someone ELSE has an insight, Joe is all over it, like an Associate on a Stripper offering half-price lap dances, (and so, for the record, is Joe).

Here then, a niblet about Resume length. Yeah, yeah, guys and length, guys and size. . .Joe likes that, the way it sounds. . .guys and size. Some of you, you need to answer one of those ads in the back of Men's Journal, or Men's Fitness, or GQ, or Esquire, or Something. . .I swear. Or date shorter women. . .or SOMEthing, jeez!

A QUESTION OF SIZE

Like most matters, and, frankly, QUESTIONS of size, I think this one has a LOT to do with how one was, or was not, blessed by nature.

Most people answer from their own perspective, and, sadly, most of our perspectives are informed, not by logic, not by pragmatism, but my myth, fantasy, history, fear, misinformation, and, sometimes, our magical lucky charms. . .who the hell knows?

The answer, as in so many other things in life is. . .your resume should be PRECISELY as long as it NEEDS to be to tell me everything I need to know about YOU, in order to know whether or not YOU are the man or woman of my dreams, job-wise. PERIOD. That's it, that's all.

I agree that the most important information should be first, but as to whether it should be the first third of the first page, or the first three lines of the top half above optical center in 10 pt. Optima, or whatever, I don't know, and I have better things to do than spend much time navel-gazing over those details.

Here's the answer: If you want to capture my attention, then CAPTURE MY ATTENTION. If you want me to listen to your story, then TELL ME A STORY THAT WILL GRAB ME. You KNOW how to do it. . .you learned when you were less than two years old. . .EVERYBODY DOES!

Why we have to have such a shrying gevalt over this hoo-hah, ALL THE TIME, frankly, is beyond me.

And, as a recruiter myself, I can tell you what I AM looking for. . .I'm looking for diamonds. But I don't have time to mine them, rough them, cut them, polish them, grade them, mount them, and THEN select them. . .really I don't. I want to be able to throw the lot of them on a big ole table (covered in black velvet, naturally. . .hey, this is MY fantasy). . .walk around, and find the one that sparkles the brightest, and say "THAT one. . .THAT's the one I want!"

So, if YOU want to capture MY attention (and I have a shorter attention span than the average two-year old. . .frankly, when compared with the average two-year-old, I don't come out so good in MANY respects), then you really need to sparkle, and you'd better do it quick.

Because, as captivating as a diamond IS, and they always ARE. . .let's face it, given the choice between a diamond and, say, Silly Putty(tm), the average two-year old will ditch the sparkly in less than no time, and so will I.

EDITORIAL NOTE: For the first time, possibly ever, Joe has nothing to add.

LOVE YOUR RECRUITER!!

JoeRecruiter

The Changes, They Are All Timin'. Bill This!

2007-05-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

So, there Joe was, suckin' down some luscious liquid protein (not as luscious as some of y'all might be thinking, but Joe appreciates the thought nevertheless), and catching up on the events of the day, legally speaking, when, like a "thwack" from a well-aimed belt, something hit him, right on his rock-hard butt-cheek (nummy cake, in the latest parlance, for those of you trying to keep up).

Joe kids. No, this one hit him right square between his perfectly formed eyebrows (which saves a total FORTUNE on waxing, let Joe tell YOU!).

Between Joe and you, and Joe wouldn't share this with just anybody, it seems that Managing Partners are all aflutter about the fallout from the trend toward going public. Okay, maybe not all aflutter. Twitterpated? Aghast? Stultified? Hey, Joe is WORKING here.

Okay, let Joe break it down for ya fellas (disclaimer: In this context, "fellas" means "y'all" but it wouldn't be nearly as lyrical to say "break it down for me ladies and gentlemen" as it is to say "break it down for me fellas," get it? Stupid PC, anyway. . . .you DO know that PC originally meant that which it was okay to say in Stalin's Cabinet without getting your head blown off, right? Joe's just saying.)

Ahhhhhhh, the wonders of the Benzodiazepines, those workhorses of the centrally-acting neuroleptic agents (Joe just made that up. Joe wouldn't know a neuroleptic agent if it walked up and bit him on the snout, but it SOUNDS good, don't it? What, by the way, IS a neuroleptic agent?).

Anyway, put aside the fact that most Managing Partners couldn't manage their way through a bowl of Oatmeal, and, like Military Intelligence, the title is, usually, Oxymoronic at best. What gets Joe right in the shorties is the fact that, apparently, a group of the self-anointed (we'll talk later about anointing yourself, during the "adult" section of the discussion) have decided that this is a "BAD" thing. "What about The Law," they decry! "What about The Clients!" they wail! Some brave souls say "Uh, what about my frickin' retirement, huh? What about that there?" Finally, an MP with, uh, "sisu" (ask a Japanese friend about sisu). You so rarely see it these days.

It's as refreshing to Joe as a cold Sciroccan wind wailing across the Schwartzwald, with a vengeance (another totally inside reference, but if you guess it, Joe will be well pleased). The truth is, these changes will force MPs to be more responsive to the needs of clients, and to the other, (dare Joe say it? Yes!), Stakeholders in the organisation, like real live Partners (those who work for a living), and Associates, and whatnot.

Now, don't misunderstand. Joe feels like this is a nexus. That y'all is about to fall up into. Joe doesn't know what a nexus is. But he wouldn't want to step in one. The dictionary says it's the "means of connection," but also that it's a link or a tie. But it's also the past participle of the Latin nectere which, as we all remember from Mrs. DeGroot's Latin Class and Psycho BootCamp, means "to bind." God bless Mrs. DeGroot. Without her, we never would have known what TRUE Psychological Warfare was, and so would NOT have been prepared for, you know, dating, law school, our first time, the O-face, you know what I'm saying.

So, about this nexus. Here's the link, for all you past participial debaters: Firm MPs, not so much. Office MPs, for the most part, two thumbs up. But they're usually given an almost impossible task. They're supposed to run the office, and STILL do lawyering. Are you on Crack? No really. Are you? It's hard enough to lawyer at any time. But you want me to run this monkey house AND put in Killable, I mean Billable hours at the same damn rate as the monkeys?

Look, Erik, I know we've talked about this before, but, seriously, before your brain shrinks ANY more than it has already, you have GOT to try to inhale WITHOUT hitting the pipe, at least OCCASIONALLY. And while we're on the subject, Dude, really, STOP talking about "Vitamin-E" like anybody believes it's anything other than what it is. . .when you moved the water dispenser INTO your office. . . .please.

But that's what most Firm MPs want. While we're on the subject, could we change the term? I mean, Joe doesn't know about you, but given the supressed giggles and, frankly, outright guffaws Joe hears whenever almost EVERY "Firm MP" in the industry is referred to by that title (especially by the receptionists. . .Joe's just saying. . .a word to the wise. . .), Joe suggests another, um, "styling" or perhaps the better term would be, Joe doesn't know, what, honorary? Joe's just saying that prefacing MP with, um, Firm, isn't helping anybody. . .certainly not a lot of you who quite frankly need all the help you can get, regardless of the colour (as in blue, yellow, whatever).

But here's the thing that's really up Joe's nose (ah ha! I KNEW some of you would perk up right then. Joe should have said this HOURS ago!) What is WITH you punks and your fear of Straight Billing, by which Joe means, getting off the Hourly Billing Carousel? Joe does NOT get it. It's easy. Just stop. In Honour of Miz Nancy Reagan, Just Say No. Don't Do It.

Abandon The Hourly Billing Model. It's stupid. It sucks. It's mythic. It's phony. It doesn't even frickin' work. And no true professional does it anyway. Think about it. Does your Surgeon bill by the hour? Oh, HELL no. If you asked her to, would she? Oh HELL no. If you said "Do it, or else I'm getting another Surgeon!" what would she do? She'd say "I understand completely. Please let me know where to send your records," and she'd turn on her very stylish heel and disappear back into her office, and call you a stupid, well, it rhymes with duck.

Does your Dentist charge by the hour? Not on your by the hour, six-minute incremented life. When you call his assistant Fred, you find out that it's going to cost $27,000 to restore that smile you let go to hell back to even the most BASIC level of decency, and as you write that check to deplete your bank account, you say to yourself, "Well, that represents X number of hours of extra work for me, dammit!"

But not your Dentist. He says "Well, that's one case. A toughie, yes indeedy. Thank God these Beagles spend their lives in six-minute increments, and won't spend six minutes a day brushing, flossing, and irrigating their nasty mouths. Paradise Island, here I come."

Now, Joe, you might be saying, there are LOTS of professions that charge by the hour. And, Joe would have to agree that there are. Plumbers. Electricians. HVAC people. People who can charge triple time when you call them at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning because your house blew all the circuits and you're standing there with NO power, and in three hours, you have to jump YOUR skanky butt in the shower, in order to catch a red-eye to Boston, where you ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT charge triple-time to a client who's dragging you in to do a dog-and-pony show for a client who cares not a bit about the fact that your kid is in the play on Monday afternoon at 3:30, his first ever, and YOU won't be there, because YOU are stuck in an hourly billing cycle, and all that matters is frickin' face time, because if your skanky butt isn't there in front of the client, you can't BILL the client.

Because YOU don't bill for value, YOU bill for, I don't know, RESEARCH, or Court Time, or Dog-and-Pony shows, or something. YOU don't bill for results. . .you only get to bill the client when you're DOING something.

Your Surgeon, on the other hand, is billing for her knowledge, skill, and ability. That operation may only take her 2, 3, 4 hours. MAYBE, if there are complications, it might take more. But, that's okay with you. In fact, you're VERY hopeful she's in and out. You would, IN FACT, prefer that she be in and out. You'd LOVE the hell out of that. Her fee is $15,000.00, no matter how long it takes. She said so. Fine, you said.

And, if she comes back and tells you, "Hey, Mikey, the surgery went SO smoothly. . .we were in and out in about 75 minutes. . .your recovery was lightning fast. . .you're like a GENIUS patient. From induction to clearance out of Recovery, I think you were, I don't know, maybe four hours tops. You're the shortest case ever!" you'll probably kiss her, if you're not too groggy.

Not YOU boy. The hourly billing model PUNISHES you for being a genius lawyer. It's completely f'ed up. And, if you're really REALLY good, you get punished even more. What if you're not only a genius effing lawyer, but a LUCKY genius lawyer. You're freakin' broke!

And, if you're a lucky genius lawyer that juries, or judges, or BOTH, love Love LOVE, you don't even have enough money for the bus, and you probably live with your mom. Trust Joe. Joe knows.

So. Change the freakin model. Charge for value. If your client doesn't like it, find another client. Explain it to them. If you're any good. If you are, then it doesn't have to be a problem. If you're not, then the hourly billing model was MADE for you.

Joe thinks it was lame-ass lawyers who came UP with the hourly model in the first place. And the corporate boneheads (pushed by equally lame-ass accountants, who ALSO sucked, for the same damn reasons; genius accountants are GOOD and FAST; Joe's accountant is so good, Joe would . . .well, Joe can't say, but the guy is a freakin' Rock Star!) went for it hard and fast. Joe appreciates the hard and fast, but, seriously.

Charge for value. Charge for what you CAN do. Don't be a wuss. If your clients aren't with it, GET NEW CLIENTS. By the way, can ANYBODY tell Joe when lawyers started becoming cowards? There WAS a time when Lawyers freakin' ROCKED! Joe dug that. Joe misses that.

Love Your Recruiter! The dirty way.

JoeRecruiter.

Mea Culpa, With HomeStyle Crust, & a new beginning.

2007-05-23T03:43:00.000-07:00

Joe is Ashamed. . .so So SO Ashamed. Even Joe's shame. . . is Ashamed. Joe has been away far, far too long. If Joe could, Joe would tell you all about it, but then I'd have to kill you, and I only have fifteen rounds (actually, Joe's never seen an actual weapon in real-live life, but that sounds bloody correct. . .judges?).

Let me just say, for those of you who are DYING to know, that it's been a bloody adventure, and as soon as the pictures come back from Super-Duper-Mart, I SWEAR, we'll all look at them together, kay?

And, for those of you who notice these things, I'm flipping in and out of third-person indiscriminately, for no other reason than because I feel like it, so there. There are some housekeeping details Joe MUST deal with.

Blogger/blogspot/blog-r-us, whatever, being administered/tortured/you-get-the-idea by the kind of people who come up with these ideas, and being what it is, Joe has decided NOT to publish comments, as much as he would like to, only because they're all gushy and glowy, but, if the commentators would like to resubmit their comments in the form of a question (and where has Joe heard that before, he pondered), with email addresses, Joe WOULD be happy to answer said questions; for some unknowable reason, there was no way to know the delightful and charming correspondents' questions, concerns, death threats, etc.

As some of you will recall, Joe has, from time to time, made it a practice to visit Jr. Partner in the totally extreme West, in that Dungeon of Depravity known as Las Vegas, the Citadel of Sin, or, as Joe likes to call it, El Ciudad Sinho (BTW, y'all, Joe KNOWS. . . . .never mind, it's a private joke anyway). As many of you ALSO know, one of Joe's almost favourite recruiters lives there as well, and works for a very good firm based there. I should say, uh, "worked."

Joe is obligated to report that a couple of weeks ago this very VERY good recruiter, whom (who?) many beagles in the profession know, suddenly separated from the firm for whom he had worked for some time. That's not unusual, of course. People come, and they go. What Joe found unusual, and a little puzzling, was the reason for the departure. On the other hand, Joe finds Childproof lids puzzling, so what does Joe know? Of course, neither the firm NOR this very well-respected recruiter has said anything to Joe.

However, the word on the street is that this particular recruiter is no longer with the firm specifically because the firm became aware of the recruiter's particular diversity status. Without being too specific, Joe understands that the firm became aware of a specific orientation involving this recruiter. Given that this particular recruiter is extremely well-known for having specific expertise in diversity recruiting, and given that the firm was trying to build its reputation for expertise in this specific area of recruiting, Joe found the whole thing a bit bizarre.

The good news is that the recruiter is supposedly going Solo, and, while Joe HATES competition of any kind, let's be honest, nobody is REALLY any competition to Joe anyway, so, from Joe to Mr. Las Vegas, best wishes, and I hope you and the Mister will be very happy together (ah, young love is so. . .so. . .please excuse Joe. . .I need an absorbent tissue).

And why did Joe waste YOUR valuable time, and HIS valuable screen real estate to tell you this story? Because, it's important to help young whipper-snappers just starting out. And this young family, what with the baby coming and all. . .besides, this boy KNOWS Jr. Partner, and Joe knows Jr. Partner, and log-rolling is a time-honored tradition, and, at some future time, Joe might want HIS log, uh, rolled, if you take his meaning. . .just keep your eyes out, for pity's sake, and support the profession is all Joe's saying. Young love. All that. Besides, he's getting married for Heaven's sake. Joe thinks. No announcement yet. Wonder if they'll both wear tuxes. Who throws the bouquet? Anyway.

Sorry, Joe wandered off the topic for a minute. Okay, maybe FRACTIONALLY more than a minute.

So, with absoLUTEly no intended reference to the above (and I totally mean this!), "WHAT", you may ask, "is up your butt, Joe?", and I would say, "Y'all, I am getting damn sick and tired of Recruitment Directors and Other Than MPs/MDs being in charge of Attorney Hiring, that is what is up my butt, and it's beginning to chafe, or whatever stuff does when it is up Joe's butt," although Joe must confess, he doesn't actually have any experience of this. Stuff up Joe's butt, he means.

Here's Joe's point. Recruiting managers are all fine, and so on, but they tend to be an inefficient layer of goo in between decision-makers and recruiters. Somebody has to be able to execute a decision. That's the first problem. There's more.

The next problem is this. Everybody and their dog is trying to find a way to increase retention. The answer's pretty easy. Stop letting Partners be dicks to Associates. Tell Partners that being a good lawyer is all well and good, but Associates are not their personal ass-boys and girls, and the two don't necessarily go together; it's not necessarily a spoils system. And stop thinking that you can jack starting pay every six months, make a big announcement, and then back-end it by raising hourly billing minimums. Seriously.

At some point, you're going to burn out even hard-core Associates; I mean, Joe knows Associates at some BigLaws that're pumping out 2300 hours. Why? Because, the MINIMUM is 2100 hours. But you know, and Joe knows, an associate CAN'T bill every hour they log, it's impossible. So they pump out as many hours as they can, and they pray to whatever (Insert Diety or non-Diety here) they believe/don't believe in that some of them will stick to whatever wall they throw them at. And if they're really lucky, they don't get stuck with a Partner, Team Leader, or MP like most of you out there, because most of you SUCK.

Okay, changing voice, pitch, manner and tone, so don't get lost. This is for those of you who think you know what "firm culture" is. You don't. Maybe Joe spoke too soon. Take this test. Do you know Deal and Kennedy? Pacanowski? Smircich? Malanowski? Schein? Weick? Do you understand the difference between an Interpretivist Perspective and a Structuralist Perspective? Yeah? Okay, MAYBE you understand "firm culture." If you don't know EVERY SINGLE ONE of the terms Joe listed above, you don't know sickum about culture, so don't ever use that word again, unless you have season tickets to the Opera in your city.

By the way, those names are just the teeniest, tiniest, itsiest, bitsiest, ittiest, bittiest piece of the smallest molecule of the smallest piece of what is involved in "culture," and, except insofar as the reference to Malanowski, we haven't even discussed the legend, story, and mythographic linkages, not to mention the narratological links, so don't for even a fraction of a millisecond think you have a handle on what constitutes "culture." And don't, please God, get Joe started on "Meaning."

Joe's point, now that you're about to lose that Non-Fat Half-Caff Lite-Iced Semi-Sweet Quad-Shot Double-Foam Caramel Macchiato (they hadn't the heart to tell you that "macchiato" technically means espresso "marked" with foam), is that there's a lot Law Firms could actually do if they CARED to, but they probably don't, which is actually frickin' stupid, because they waste an ASSload of time, money, and resources, and they also waste an assload of their clients' time, money, and resources, just on bringing new Associates (and new Partners, and new teams), up to speed on files, cases, issues, and whatnot, to educate them on stuff that was happening or is happening, when they COULD have saved all that money for bonuses, or rebates, or discounts, or, hell, Joe don't know, whatever, hookers, who cares?

But, NO, they'd rather act like a bunch of frickin' dorks and waste time, money, and effort, not to mention trips to Vegas, and quality hookers, and, you know, lap dances and booze for hell's sake, than wise their dumb asses up, and just reel these crazy Partners in for five minutes, and sit 'em down, and say:

"Look, ya frickin' dork, I know you get off on terrorizing Associates, but this crap has GOT to stop. No, lemme be clear. This crap WILL stop, and it WILL stop right frickin' now, or you are SO done, and no matter how good you think you are, you aren't THAT good, buddy boy (or missy, whatever; Joe digs missy), so take whatever pills you need to take; drink whatever protein supplement you need to drink; buy a tasty energy drink, or a frosty cola beverage; ingest a much beloved food; engage in a much needed workout; consult with your spiritual, financial, or other professional advisor; get a cherished animal companion; be one with nature; get your chakras aligned, or tuned up, or rotated, or have them removed, or what-the-f-EVER, but get your act together, and get it together right damn now, 'cause things are gonna be different, starting right this second, you get me?!"

And that, really, is that. It really is almost that easy. For law firms where it isn't quite that easy, then the exec committees need to meet and, crazy idea, execute a contract wherein one requirement of every single attorney is that they be required to adhere to a basic code of decency and professionalism toward one another.

Joe isn't saying they have to kiss up to one another. Joe wouldn't do that under pain of death. In fact, Joe would PREFER death to having to be nice to some coworkers, (which is why Joe has flown solo since 1879). Joe actually has a contract rider that SPECIFICALLY gives him the right to inflict tortious and painful verbal abuse upon coworkers, managerial persons, and those who specifically sign his checks and pay him. There is, in fact, specific language that permits Joe to "bite the hand that feeds him." Literally. But that's just Joe. Joe is bad.

There's more coming. But Joe has step away for a minute. A very juicy looking hand just passed by in the hallway, and Joe is feeling a bit peckish. But first, I gotta review some contract language.

Love your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter
THE Legal Recruiter

So, how good IS good?

2006-11-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it. Joe missed you. Joe was in the middle of a. . .dare Joe say it? YES! . . .a FIRESTORM of controversy involving a couple of elements.

First was the mini-merger (thank you fans!). Second was the evil witch associate trying to do the runaround on Joe (she'll never work in this town again, Wah Hah Hah!). Third was the suckbag Partner who, as it turns out, will never get placed by anyone ever, because he sucks. You don't want Joe to call you? You got it, pal. And neither will anyone else, neither! Pray that this job is the only one you ever want, and, or need, 'cause you are DONE.

It's all better now, but Joe's butt definitely shows scars, and not the cute kind, like when you have a li'l scar above your chin from where you wiped out on your bike when you were six. NO. These are claw-mark, hack-saw type scars, battle scars. Brutal. In fact, Joe feels manly when someone sees his butt scars. Junior Partner LOVES 'em. But that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother day.

Back to the topic at hand: how good IS good? You may recall that we were about to address that question when we were rudely interrupted by news of Chicago passing a "No Foie Gras" ordinance. See the previous post.

Here's the thing about good. You can have any opinion of yourself that you want to have, but it doesn't really matter what YOU think. . .it matters what JOE thinks. Because Joe (and other, less stylish, less, you know, Top Drawer, as it were) recruiters, are the opinion-makers when it comes to making someone hireable, no matter how good you are in court, and no matter how many "Litigator of the Millenium" awards you have.

Some of the best Lawyers in the Country are flat jerks, and couldn't get another job if they were the last (Fill In Here) Lawyer in the world.

While we're at it, when a recruiter calls to ask if you're interested in perhaps looking at another opportunity, it doesn't mean we're criticising your current place of employment.

It's also not the time to get defensive with me about your current crib. . .I don't CARE about the long and storied history of your firm, or about how the founder of the firm started as the third sweeper-upper, toiling late into the night back in the days of yore in Eighteen Hundred and Long Ago.

I'm just ASKING if you're amenable to finding OUT about a job that seems to fit YOUR skills, background, and knowledge, experience, and, perhaps, temperament (AKA KSA). If you are, GREAT. If not, please just say so.

And please don't lecture me on the "culture of the firm." You don't know ANYTHING about the culture of a firm you're not a part of. . .you probably don't even know anything about the culture of the firm you ARE a part of. How do I know? Decades of experience with firm cultures that are nothing at all like they're described by the people living in them, and even less like the people NOT living in them. If law firms, and/or the people in them, knew their own cultures, there would never be an unhappy lawyer anywhere, ever, and we all KNOW that's not the case. So please, dispense with the lecturing about "firm culture." Find another term you don't understand to drivel on about, please.

In the end, you are as good as Joe's ability to sell you as good is. In the meantime, a great reputation as a (fill in here) lawyer may be swell, but it doesn't necessarily get you hired. And holding yourself out as some kind of untouchable because you think you're some kind of wunderkind will probably cost you in the long run. Because, even though Joe won't say anything, eventually your attitude will get around the community (not everybody keeps their mouth shut like Joe does), and, Genius Lawyer or not, nobody likes a jerk, even a gifted jerk.

Time to go. . .Joe has to find a really good gift for Junior Partner. . .and make reservations for our fave restaurant in New York City. . .sometimes, being a jerk has its costs.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter.

How Good IS Good when you're very VERY good?

2006-08-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hubb-eye frubb-ends. That was a test. If you know what Joe was saying, Joe suspects you were a dork when you were a kid. Probably still are, but that's okay too. Before we get to the MEAT of the moment, Joe wants to give a shout out to the actually dumbest city in the Universe. . .that'd be Chicago.

In one of the stupidest decisions in the history of civilization, the good people of one of the formerly greatest cities in the world (that's A.Ds.--Ante Decisio), have decided to let people who are FAR less informed about food than Joe is about, well, practically anything, tell them that, as of 22 August, 2006, a day that will ALSO live in infamy, they can no longer order Foie Gras. Nope. No more. After that date, if you want a fatty duck, duck, goose liver, you have to go somewhere else, other than Greater Chicago to get it. Are you people out of your minds?

Never mind whether or not you LIKE Foie Gras or whether you would allow even the smallest molecule past your lips and into your mouths, (despite what Joe happens to personally know that a great many of you have admitted into your pie holes), that's not even the point. The point, and Joe DOES have one, is how could the people of such a formerly great city allow anybody to tell them what they could eat, nay, what they could order, nay again. . .what they could even OFFER one another as a CHOICE!

What has happened to the proud people of Chicago. . .the people who gave us, some would say even DEFINED the word Chic? Have the forty-leven million of you simply taken leave of your senses? And what of you, in particular, in the legal community? Never has Joe been prouder than when one of the tough and talented of the Legal Elite in Chi- went to battle with the baddies. And now to find out that it was all for naught?! Joe's heart is BREAKING!

Joe would have expected this from those chowderheads in Boston, the nutballs in New York City, even the Bleachy-Beachies in L.A., who, like monkeys, are fun, but moody, but Joe would have bet his very last dollar that the good people of Chicago would NEVER bend over and take it up the wazz on an issue as important to the Mid-Western soul as dinner.

This is particularly profound, and meaningful, because Joe just came back from a visit to Junior Partner in the City of a Thousand Sins, wherein much merriment was made, and more than one Foie Gras made its way to our table during the Little Weekend that Could. Joe has become a big BIG fan of waterfowl and their livers, and, while not particularly proud of what is done to the little wretches in order to make them ready for his dinner, Joe thinks that, in comparison, Chickens and Cows and Piggies have it MUCH worse than Gooses and Duckies.

But that's another post for another day. Chicago, Joe is dismayed, and must respond to this outrage in the only way possible. After this post posts, Joe will board a plane for what it possibly his last trip to Chicago, make reservations at any of many fine eating establishments, (except Charlie Trotters. . .that wuss took Foie Gras off the menu light years ago, but Joe notes that he still has Chicken, Beef, and Pork on this menus. . ..what a hypocrite. . .or maybe he's just a moron who doesn't know how these animals are treated), and order Foie Gras in as many forms as possible over the weekend, eating himself into a frenzy until fully and completely surfeited. You should come too!

You know what. . .Joe is too sick at heart to really talk about what was bugging him. Just do this. . .make sure you don't screw yourself out of a good chance to get the job of your dreams by always supporting the use of external recruiters, no matter where you work. Ex Rocks! (Externals, we mean)

Love Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

Size Matters. . . Sorry Guys (some of you, anyway)!

2006-07-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again. . .as Spring sprang (springed? Sprung? Sproinged? Whatever) fullspeed into Summer, a young beagle's fancy turned to billings, and damned if a young Joe's fancy didn't fancy a fancy new car. . .or a truck. Dogs (and Joes) love trucks.

Needless to say, a new truck requires even more relentless poundings of the pavement, even more deceptive skullduggery, more Shanghai-ing than General Tso (and possibly just as much chicken. . .Joe's just saying).

Fortunately for Joe, the summer heat makes even the most benign, happy, contented cow of a partner ever so much more LESS so, and by now, the dog days of summer are biting beagles of every type and description right in the ass. And there are LOTS of openings, all over Joe's territory, stretching as it does from sea to shining sea, with lots of dreck in between. O happy day!

But it's not all beer, skittles, and occasional lettuce wraps here in the land of vixens, oh my no. Clients want partners with, um, how can I say this. . ."Beega Booksa." Joe gets it. What Joe doesn't get is why an attorney would call about an opening and then act like the size of their book (and its ulimate portability) doesn't matter. It's pretty obvious why most beagles are men. . .they still foolishly think size doesn't matter, when it should be clear to absolutely everyone that size really DOES matter.

Bigger IS better, and a helluva lot more fun. . .ask anyone. Thank (insert favoured deity or NON-deity here)!, Joe often says to himself, I've always had a big, uh, "book of business." Joe can't imagine what it would be like to walk around having to service someone ELSE's client's, but you'd be amazed at the sheer number of partners who think a law firm would like nothing more than having them help them eat someone else's kill.

Don't misunderstand, Joe doesn't believe in strict "eat what you kill" comp plans, or firms built on that philosophy, but it's completely appropriate to ask a partner what s/he's planning to bring to the party when they call to inquire about a job. And, as Joe said before, there are LOTS of jobs. But, please, Joe is BEGGING, when you call to ask about a job, put OUT a little bit first. . .offer your comp, your billing, your rate, and your portables, BEFORE you ask who the client is. . .who says YOU are the be-all and end-all of desirability? And if you are, then you should be able to prove it by telling Joe about your comp. Right out of the gate.

Got a big one? Prove it! Book of business, Joe means.

Love your Recruiter!!

--JoeRecruiter

What do Clients Want? What Joe Wants. Duh!

2006-05-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

Joe hears it all the time? Hey, Joe. . .you got gum?. . .I mean, hey Joe, what do clients want? Clients want what Joe wants, and Joe wants what Clients want. We've been over this before. But, as usual, you were doing so SO well, and then things went to hell in a Laundry Basket.

Whether a partner or an associate, if you're going to bother to call, be prepared to tell me what you earn, your hourly rate, your portable book value, and what you billed last year, and your average for the last five years. Within the first three or so minutes. Before I tell you the name of the client. Don't argue with me about it, because I'm not going to tell you. Even if I wanted to, I can't. And don't think you're hurting me or my chances by not disclosing, either. You wouldn't have called if you weren't interested, and if YOU called, what makes you think others haven't?

The truth is, about 12% (remember that figure from our earlier lesson?) of ALL attorneys move around on an annual basis, so they're calling, and a LOT of them are calling Joe, so if you're an uppity type lawyer, don't even bother to call me. I'd just as soon you stay with your current firm and make THEM miserable.

Joe would prefer to work with smart, happy lawyers who know their capabilities, and their abilities, and know they're dealing with a professional who isn't going to blab their information all around town. If you're so insecure you can't tell me what I need to know, just don't bother to call me. By the way, Joe probably makes more than you do, so don't think you're likely to shock me (hint: Joe's BASE is higher than the highest salary paid to the highest associate level of the highest paying BigLaw firm in the country, plus, Joe gets a very generous commission, AND bonuses). Hey, water finds its own level.

And, yes, Joe is a snob. He prefers to work with the best attorneys and law firms in the country. So far, so good. You don't wanna play in our sandbox, that's fine too. Stay second class. . .the world needs you too. . .just don't call a boy, and we won't bother you neither.

What brought on this fit of pique? Oh, some ditz of a lawyer told me that s/he was "not at the applicant level anymore. . .I've been practicing law too long to be treated like a newbie, if you understand my meaning." Sure, Joe understands. But Joe deals with MPs and heads of Litigation and Corporate Law, and other departments all day long, and really only answers to those people and Exec Committees, and that level of person, but I STILL come down to the lower levels and mingle with associates and partners and lower mortals because that's what pays the rent, and I very politely ask y'all if you'd like to check out another opportunity, so, your highness, if I may be so bold, I don't think it's completely out of line to expect you to answer MY bloody questions, because, until you're OFFERED the bloody job, you ARE a bloody applicant, no matter WHAT you call yourself, or how HIGH your opinion of yourself (even rainmakers receive paychecks, your majesty. . .).

So when a boy calls and leaves a message, return it, be polite, answer the freakin' questions, and don't be so uppity. Because there may come a time when you need a recruiter/headhunter/ghoul/whatever you call us these days, and, at least in Joe's case, we have VERY long memories, and VERY short tempers.

LOVE your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter

The Perils of Partner Management

2006-05-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Joe has missed you Awful! Where to begin? So MUCH to tell you!! Joe has been ON ASSIGNMENT. Can you say "On Assignment!? Joe knows. And YES, Joe can say "Bite Me" just like YOU did. Good for YOU!

It's a partner assigment and it's suckin' all of Joe's time. Joe can't even close the deal with Junior Partner more than once, twice a week. On the other hand, Joe recently met McLittle Babe-a-Licious. McLittle Babe-A-Licious is, as you would expect, not all that tall. Pretty Pretty Blue Eyes. Pretty Pretty Pieces Parts. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Chassis. Can't Kiss worth a damn if Joe's observatement the other night at "Ho Bar" are to be believed. Let Joe explain "Observatement."

In another time, and another place, Joe was SERIOUSLY after a Luscious Latin, and could NOT close the deal. Upon enquiry, Joe was told, in all seriousness, that before LusciousLatin would consent to Merge and Acquire, LL would have to "observate" Joe for a while. And there you are. Joe feels that more observatement is in order for McLittle, but Babe-A-Licious or NOT, McL needs to learn how to kiss without swallowing a Joe's face. Joe has a cute face, in a puppyish way, and if it were swallowed, coffee could not be ordered at Starbucks. What would Joe do? Joe fears to ask this question!

You're probably saying to yourself "Self, what in the world has this to do with legalness and thingies?" and the answer is not a bloody thing. Joe is simply sharing in order to bond with you. Do you feel bondy? If so, Joe's work here is done.

Back to the Partner thang. Joe has been busier than a cut rate hooker on the day after Thanksgiving. Everybody wants partners. Guess what Joe found out. Partners rule. Associates are right pains in the butt.

Partners are a dream. They aren't coy about the money they make. They don't play games about their jobs, their dreams, their ambitions, what they bill, PRECISELY what they make, and how they make it, or anything else. If they're interested, they say so, and they say why. If not, they still listen, and they ALWAYS return calls if their area of practice is even REMOTELY related to the area for which you're recruiting. Who knew? Joe really didn't. Joe has worked with GROUPS and a couple partners before, but not large numbers of partners before, and he always assumed that the partners he worked with before were just easy to work with because he knew them from before.

Nope! Virtually every partner has been a dream in comparison to associates, just in terms of calling to talk about opportunities. Accordingly, Joe has formulated the following Rules that Partners DO Follow, which is why They Are A Partner and YOU ARE NOT:

1. Partners Return the Recruiter's Call, because they're smart enough to know they don't know everything.

2. Partner Answer the Questions they're asked. If they have concerns about confidentiality, they ask ONE question to confirm it, make their decision, and stick with it.

3. Partners are not coy. They don't play word games because they don't have time.

4. Partners send the materials they say they'll send.

5. If a partner is interested they'll send materials, if they're not, they say so, and don't waste the recruiter's time.

6. Very often, if a partner finds out that the position is not right, they'll either refer YOU to a contact, or, more often, tell someone to call YOU.

7. Partners very often ask if you know of other positions for people that they know. They're plugged in, and they know how to use their network.

8. Partners treat Recruiters like key members of their career management team, and keep them involved, informed, and updated.

Joe is seriously considering dropping all associate recruiting given this recent experience. Failing that, Joe strongly recommends that Associates who are serious about finding newer, better jobs, start adopting the above principles, and integrating them into their professional business approach.

As always, Joe appreciates his readers and asks you to spread the word about the blog to everyone you know. Joe already knows that the Partners are doing so. They send him Eamails to let him know they've spread the word. Joe is BIG on partners.

LOVE Your Recruiter!!

JoeRecruiter-THE Legal Recruiter

Absence AND Malice

2006-04-25T07:24:00.000-07:00

Howdy, Y'all. JoeRecruiter is on a short sabbatticcall (yes, JoeRecruiter knows it's spelled wrong. . .that's sort of part of the joke), because of a MAJOR project. Also, Joe closed the deal with Junior Partner. Righton. Please don't neglect reading the site. joe loves you.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

Reflections on a Can of Liquid Cocaine Substitute

2006-04-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, it isn't really liquid cocaine substitute, and, to be honest, JoeRecruiter wouldn't know cocaine, or a substitute, if it walked up and bit him on the ass, although it might be fun to try. . .JoeRecruiter missed the "rah rah" druggie days of the 80s, and given his problems with even a double Mocha Latte ("he do the Shimmy Shimmy Shake. . .Yeah!), doubts that his system could tolerate even a gram of the stuff. An ounce? A kilo? Who knows? However, JoeRecruiter apparently has no problem swilling down, well, let's just call it "Blue Cow" energy drink, three at a time. Of course, after such an event, Joe could separate butter from whole milk (or make a FANTASTIC martini), but it has been a FATIGUING couple of weeks, and OH, has Joe missed YOU!

First of all, the Bi-Coastal, unilateral, search and destroy, meet and greet, ass-kissing, baby-shaking, hand-wiping LOVE fest between JoeRecruiter and the Law Firms. The ONLY thing that made it bearable was the fact that JoeRecruiter never ever EVER flies coach. Ever. Or on Southwest Airlines. Ever. Joe LOVES Southwest Airlines, but simply REFUSES to be part of a cattle call unless Hollywood is somehow involved. The soft, soothing strains of "Now boarding all passengers with a 'C' boarding pass" almost NEVER comes to Joe's mind when he thinks about relaxing. Plus, people are freakin' jerks, man.

One sweet old dear nearly mowed Joe down once on a junket from Joe's "house in the hills just below heaven" to a stolen weekend in Las Vegas, in order to get in line TWO people ahead of him. How she got smashed up against the JetWay on the walk up into the aircraft is a mystery for the ages. Even more disturbing was the rumour that someone hissed "Watch your Hips, Granny, cuz next time you go all the way DOWN!" as they entered the passenger compartment. People can be SO insensitive to the elderly.

Where was Joe? Oh yes, the Love Fest. So, there JoeRecruiter was, minding his own business, when Feeley McFinster, the Managing Partner of Dewey Lykitt Ruff called him up right in the MIDDLE of a SERIOUS negotiation with a Junior Partner (not for a job, mind you, but, rather, another Stolen Weekend in Las Vegas. . .talks ARE progressing). Feeley and the Boyz, as Joe likes to call them wanted Joe to come and say "Hidey Ho" to the fellas, explain Joe's recruiting strategy (actually, very simple: Attach a Hundred Dollar Bill to Invisible Fishing Line. Place Bill where Beagle Will See It. When he goes for the bait, make him chase it for a while. When he starts to tire, let him get close to it. When he bends over to retrieve it, shoot him with a Tranquilizer Dart, and throw his ass in a white unmarked van. Works every time), and how using Joe's Firm ('kay, whatEVER, Joe's FIRM. . .please!), can help them with their strategic development. WHAT?

That was call one.

Call Two was this: Lateral Associate Mervys DePasquale de La Smith McDougal Ciccone-Lattimore III. Senior Associate Candidate. Simply UnWILLING to send Joe the required documents without knowing the identity of the firm. Sorry, Joe, I "just can't do it. An ETHICAL recruiter would disclose the name of the firm. . .I'd like to work with you, but if you can't disclose the name of the firm, then I'll have to find another recruiter."

This was easy:

Dear Merv: Thanks for considering us, and please accept our best wishes in finding a suitable recruiter to fulfill your needs. Warm Wishes, JoeRecruiter.

And it really is just that easy. Let's go over this again, with maybe some history, so you guys can get this through your smart but willful heads:

I do NOT care whether or not you think you know who the law firm is. . .I'm still not going to tell you until you send me your resume, your grades, you comp, billing, and rate, and expected comp. And no, I'm not going to tell you the comp level, because I'm probably not going to KNOW it. . .it depends on a HUNDRED factors, many of which I just don't KNOW in the first phone call, and any recruiter who tells you differently is LYING to you. (Listen carefully, even when they tell you a "range" they'll couch it in careful terms: "Well, the RANGE is PROBABLY somewhere between X and Y, depending on experience, but it could be MORE or less." Why bother. I just don't know, until I see YOUR comp, bonus, billables, etc., etc. The GOOD news, by the way, is that, unlike OTHER types of employers, Law Firms rarely try to screw you on salary by lowballing you based on your previous salary/salary history.

I do NOT care if OTHER recruiters disclose the identity of the law firm (by the way, I don't believe you, either. . .I talk to law firm recruiters EVERY DAY, and they all tell me they ask for their name to be withheld). . .Here's the deal. Law firms don't want us to disclose their identity before we receive YOUR information because, in the past, and again, we're SURE that YOU would never do this, but, in the past, maybe ONCE or TWICE, a candidate called one recruiter or another to ask about a position. The typical line was given: "I'm sorry, but I can't disclose the name of the firm until I see your information." The Lawyer said something like "well, how do I know you even really have a job available, you could be making it all up." And, of course, the Legal Recruiter, not having his/her wits about him/her told the candidate the name of the firm. They talked for a little while, and the candidate said they'd send their information, and that was the end of it. Of course, you know how this turned out, right? The candidate turned RIGHT AROUND and applied to the Law Firm, denied ever having contacted ANY recruiter about the position (despite the fact, discovered later, that the position wasn't even posted at the time of first contact), WAITED until the law firm posted the position, and then, when the recruiter protested, denied ever having had a discussion with the recruiter. It turned into a big mess, and put the law firm in the middle of a conflict between the Lawyer and the Recruiter, and EVERYBODY lost.

So NO, I'm NEVER going to tell you the name of the Law Firm until I have something in my hand from you indicating an interest in the job that I told you about, with a bloody TIMESTAMP on it, that can serve as a record of our conversation. Do I ever expect to use it? No, and I never have HAD to, but you're never gonna put me in the position where I'd need to, and the law firm won't let you put them in that position either. IF it's really a problem, at the minimum, you should offer to send an email outlining your interest in the "Real Estate Associate Position with a Major Law Firm in Duck Blind, Arkansas" or whatever, but the law firms rely on Recruiters to keep this information confidential for good reason. It's not about jerking your chain. . .it's about making sure that THEIR chain doesn't get jerked.

While we're on the topic, don't think for a moment that you get "credit" for saving money for a law firm by going around a recruiter and saving the firm money. Any credit you'd get for saving them money spent on a recruiter is more than offset by the ethical questions raised by your going around a recruiter who was only pursuing his/her job at the behest of the firm in question. Furthermore, you should ask yourself this question: Would you really want to WORK with a law firm that APPROVED of this type of unethical behavior? If that's okay with them, what will they do or NOT do in order to avoid paying YOU for legitimate work you've undertaken on their behalf?

More than once, Joe and others have heard stories about Law Firms who've taken a pass on a candidate who comes to them on "ill-gotten" information, particularly when the fact is disclosed later in the process. Joe doesn't KNOW that a Lawyer has ever been FIRED for this, but he DOES know lawyers who 've left law firms they went to under a "cloud," and those relationships just "didn't work out." Do all of us a favour. . .If this is the way you work, don't even bother to call. We WILL find out, we'll make SURE The firm finds out (maybe not directly, but they WILL find out. . .at least the MP will find out), and we'll probably find a way to let the local Bar Committee find out (Recruiters know everyone, and, if we don't know someone, we know someone who knows them).

I do NOT care if you have concerns about your information (well, I DO, but let me explain: we give a very CLEAR guarantee about preserving your confidentiality. In fact, it should BE the case that, in every interaction with a Recruiter, your conversations are confidential. In JoeRecruiter's case, they ALWAYS are, from the first "Hi, Buffy, this is JoeRecruiter at JoeRecruiter's Firm" to the moment you accept the offer).

I do NOT care if you "prefer to wait to discuss "THAT" (whatever THAT is) until we have a better idea of what we're talking about." Guess what? It's NOT your call. I KNOW the law firm. I KNOW the recruiters. I KNOW the job. I'm trying to, I'm sorry to have to say it, PRE-Qualify you. I know you think you're doing me a HUGE favor by returning my call, and you ARE, but so what? That doesn't mean you're qualified for the JOB I have in mind. When I call, I'm purposefully vague so as to save your ass from embarrassment or outright trouble if someone should happen to find out. . .you can always pass it off as "Oh, you know, it was just another one of those DAMN recruiters. . .they call EVERYONE," but when you call me, you'd better be prepared to give me some information about who you are, what you do, how much you make, how much you bill, what you bill at, and your expertise, so I can see if you're a match to the JOB. It's not personal, and you shouldn't take it as such.

And you shouldn't worry that I'm going to take your resume and submit it without your approval. I know there are recruiters who HAVE done that, and maybe some will do it in the future, but I'm not going to, and, even if I did, all you have to say is "I don't recall giving JoeRecruiter permission to present me to you" and that ends it. And JoeRecruiter is very VERY smart, and KNOWS that he can't get paid if he didn't have your permission to present, so I'm not even going to bother.

So do yourself, your fellow lawyers, the Legal Profession, and Legal Recruiters ALL a favor and LOSE THE ATTITUDE. Law Firms need associates and Partners. They want to add the best ones they can find. But they don't have time to call everyone. So they come to me. I want to find the best associates and partners I can. So I call YOU. WHEN I call, you MAY be happy, or you MAY not, but if you think you MIGHT be amenable to a discussion about another option, then you should call me and at least find out about the other position. If YOU are NOT currently interested, but you know your friend Billy Bob McSweeney might be looking, tell Billy Bob to call me.

Because, here's the thing. Even if you DO go ahead and send your info, and it looks good, and I decide to present you, and I send the info (with your permission), the Law Firm may still decide to pass on you. Law Firms being Law Firms, they ALWAYS hold back a little on EXACTLY what they want, and why shouldn't they? If I'm the MP, I know what I'm looking for, but I can't necessarily put it into words. My External Recruiter is there to refine the search and present the LIKELIEST candidates, based on his/her knowledge of ME, my law firm, our practice, and the kinds of lawyers we hire, and wait for feedback, and move from there.

This is why we always say your chances are better with an external. We KNOW it's true, and, here's the thing. . . if External Recruiters weren't adding value to the Lawyer Search process, we wouldn't exist. There'd be NO demand for us, and certainly we wouldn't be making money (OR placements). So hate us all you want, badmouth us all you want. And keep on submitting to those job boards. But when you're ready to find a REAL job, with a REAL salary, and a REAL law firm, call me back. Because I'm ALWAYS looking for good, smart lawyers. And, in my experience, the good, smart lawyers ALWAYS call you back.

Look, I'm not gonna pretend that this profession doesn't have its share of scumbags and lowlifes. . . it does, and perhaps MORE than its share. But you wouldn't indict the entire legal profession because of a few less than perfect examples of lawyerly dignity, would you? Oh, you would. Well, don't extend that to recruiters. The good news is that the scumbags rarely stay around long because, between candidates and Law Firms, news travels VERY fast (JoeRecruiter KNOWS. . .JoeRecruiter's blog has been growing by referral since day one of its publication. . .more than 90% of our hits are by referral. . . right ON, you guys!). See, if you do damage to a candidate in, say, oh, Detroit, the word will be out on you in three days, and NO ONE will ever call you again. Oh, the Law Firms might call, but the candidates NEVER will, and NO candidate, no placement.

Joe learned this lesson well and early. There was this Legal Recruiter named Biff Lazenby. Biff was kewl. He'd been a lawyer, then he became a Legal Recruiter. Did well for a while. But Biff didn't like to wait for ACTUAL Job Openings (some recruiters don't, and that's okay. . .Joe only places for OPEN positions, but you're always welcome to call and chat. . .most good recruiters are like this), and he very often "shopped" resumes to Law Firms with which he had no relationship. Well, a time or two, it worked, and Biff got paid. So he got bolder. Pretty soon, Candidates who'd just been placed would be talking at the Water Cooler, and, Candidate A would say "Well, whaddya know, another Biff Lazenby Candidate!" to Candidate B, who'd say "Bih-wha-wa Huh?", and, before you could say "busted scumbag" Biff's Career was deader than K-Fed's. "Lesson Learned!" said JoeRecruiter.

But we were talking about that damn Love Fest, weren't we? So, Joe called a NUMBER of the Law Firms, given that he was going to have to go on the road with his Dawg and Pony show, and, after 10 long LONG days, Joe is Home and Happenin' and HERE TO TELL YOU that he is absolutely convinced that traveling to meet Law Firm is a CRIMINAL waste of time, as was the visit to Junior Partner's Law Firm (Joe thought that visibility would improve the outcome of the talks. . . did Joe mention that talks are. . .progressing?). On the other hand, the Law Firms DID pay for the trips, Joe flew Business Class, and the FluffyLicious Bed (or whatever) was as comfortable as advertised. The Law Firms even paid for Joe's Blue Cow, which, while unexpected, was very MUCH appreciated.

Joe even managed a Stolen Weekend in Las Vegas. Somehow, from this distance in time and space, traces of last night's conquest still apparent in the suite at the Not AT ALL Over The Top Bellagio Hotel, the continuing talks with Junior Partner seem less crticial.

However, at the risk of making an unintended, but thoroughly delightful and appropriate pun, Joe still has a bone to pick with Mervys DePasquale de La Smith McDougal Ciccone-Lattimore III, Esq., Attorney and Counselor at Law. And all the other Mervys's (Mervyses? Joe's just not sure. . .) out there in the world.

This is JoeRecruiter's take: When a Legal Recruiter calls you, even it's NOT JoeRecruiter (you should BE so lucky), take a moment out of your busy Beagle day, and call the poor sucker back. You never KNOW when things are gonna change. Unless you've been living in a hole, you've seen things change at about half a dozen of the TOP law firms in just the past two months or so, ALL over the country. Joe would not, could not, name names, but just think with Joe: West Coast, East Coast, Central States, New England. . .just to name a few. Mergers, Buyouts, Indictments, Accusations, Partner Defections, the list goes on. It's DEFINITELY worth a moment of your time, now and again, to lift your nose up from that memorandum you're drafting for a senior partner to see what's happening all around you.

And if you've been wondering, for even a few minutes of the day, ANY day, if there's something MORE, or something DIFFERENT, take another moment and place a call yourself. Just make sure you have a cellphone and an external email. Recruiters, while nasty, evil-tempered, vicious, and slow-witted, DO get that confidentiality, subtlety, and discretion are important to their candidates and potential candidates, even if they don't practice them themselves.

Well, that's it. The leeward side of the bed is stirring. Nightlife in Las Vegas awaits. Plus, there's a small possibility that Joe may have NO choice but to take Southwest back home to the little "house in the hills just below heaven." If you, or a family member, have delicate hips, you may want to take another flight. JoeRecruiter says "no cuts!" And I mean it.

Big Sloppy Vegas Style Kisses,

JoeRecruiter

Love Your Recruiter!!!

Joe Is Listening, "en moment".

2006-03-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, you guyz (for the record, "you guys" is a Western US version of "y'all"; it doesn't mean "you male persons" so get over it right now)! Joe is blushing! Joe can't stop using exclamation points! Somebody help Joe Right Now!

Sorry, a momentary fit of excitation. Actually, Joe knew a beagle who used exclamation points in EVERY sentence the beagle ever wrote! Ever! Apparently, a bad reaction to law school! Funny thing was, the Beagle was boring as hell! Do you find that as annoying as Joe does?! (Joe meant that one.)

Okay, so WHY is joe blushing? Joe has received many MANY (more than one) accolades in the past few weeks from actual beagles doing actual beagle work, and not just a few were in support of Joe against the BAD BEAGLE. So thank you, beagles, bunnies, and future beagles, all. . .Joe is, well, touched (in fact, Joe is being touched RIGHT NOW, but that's another topic for another day). just kidding. Oh yeah, about the speling errers, Joe apologises, but apparently, this low budge system doesn't spell check, and Joe apparently types faster than he can think, but wanted you to know that he sort of knows how to spell. He just can't read so good. Let's see. . .other administrivia. . .oh yeah, the Gloss is COMING. Some Day. I know, so's your raise. Let's bet to see which one comes more faster, shall we?

So, Joe said "Joe is Listening." "Why, Joe", say the beagles, "what ever do you mean?" Let Joe tell you. There is a FIERCE debate amongst recruiters as to whether 'tis better to call the beagles at work, and talk to them about yobs, or whether 'tis nobler indeed to just leave a voice mail so the beagle can respond when and if they have a mind to. Oh, and what to say when you talk to a beagle, which is MUY importante. Questions such as these, and the debate engendered therefrom have raised tempers more than you might have guessed, and vicious fights have ensued, including fistfights, and more than one yelling of the word "BITCH!" (Joe regrets the incident, but he SO deserved it).

Accordingly, Joe wanted to bring it to you, his faithful, wise, all-knowing, and not-at-all-influenced-by-cheap-flattery readers, to clear this up. What do YOU think? What do YOU like? What do you hate? Is Orange REALLY the new pink? Joe wants to know. Here, in a nubbin (Joe knows this should be a "nutshell" but, since the untimely death of Spy magazine, nobody uses nubbin anymore, and Joe misses it), is the question (actually, the "multi-part question."):

Prolegomenon: Recognise first that you ARE going to be called by recruiters. A lot. Unless you suck. Learn to live with it. If you really CAN'T stand being called by legal recruiters, find another profession. And stop whining. Really. Just stop whining.

Part the First: Since you ARE going to be called by recruiters, how would you most like to be contacted, recognizing that we TRY to be a little bit coy since we don't want to get your ass in trouble with your CURRENT law firm, and so we have to be a BIT vague (on the other hand, we could say "hey, screw ya" and describe in excruciating detail another MORE BETTER job while your senior partner looks at you picking up your email/vmail/phone notes, or stands in the room whilst you're on a call)?

Part the Second: When an opportunity is being described, do you just want a brief outline of the position, or do you want LOTS of detail ("Hi, Bill, this is Rastro Recruiter from Jiffy LawJobs, and I have an opportunity I want to discuss with you at your convenience. Please call me at 1-800-LAW-SUCK at your convenience." vs.
"Hi, Muffin, this is Lara LaLou at Frisky Recruiters, and, as you probably know, we place more attorneys in different jobs every day than graduate each year from all the law schools in the known universe. Even though we're so big we don't even know who you are, we deigned to come down to your pitifully small level to discuss a position as the third attorney of five to be hired at a Law Firm in Detroit whose name I can't mention, but whose name rhymes with "FigPaw", and who has forty-thousand attorneys practicing in the following cities and countries (exhausting list ensues). The position will pay 22 Million coconuts, has 12 days off per year, automatic overdraft protection, and will lead to a life completely devoid of satisfaction, but you won't know it because you'll be required to bill 3000 hours per year in compensation for your overly inflated salary. They reject 15 of 16 candidates we send to them, and they take forever to pay, but I'm calling you because you're just another cog in the wheel, and, by the way, they almost never hire from outside regardless of what they tell you, so I'm frankly your only chance to get out of that hellhole you're currently practicing in, only to stick you in a newer, fresher, hotter hell. With that in mind, please take a moment, avoiding the steely gaze of the Senior Partner who just wandered into your room and made you regret picking up your voicemail on speaker phone, and call me back, since it's very unlikely you'll ever get a raise again, let alone make partner. And you've been an associate there for HOW long again? I can be reached at 916-4-A-BEAGLE, and the clock is ticking. Thank you for your time.")?

Part the Third: Do you really want or need the recitative about the firm's skills, background, and who they represent, or do you make a decision to call back based on how the recruiter sounds, or are you smart enough to call everyone who calls you with a position that's within your area of expertise?

Part the Fourth: Do you want to hear about just ONE position, or, if you might qualify for multiple positions with multiple companies, would you rather hear about that, recognizing that good recruiters often have more than one related position with more than one law firm (as an example, Joe knows "bubbela bubbela law" really well, so his firms tend to pack him with "bubbela bubbela law"; in one city in a particular state, Joe has 11 positions with 7 different firms, all in "bubbela bubbela law").

Part the Fifth: Related to many of the above: What are the credibility factors? For example, some recruiters think you need to give precise, detailed info. about everything you're looking for, so the associate knows you really HAVE a job. Others say, NO, just tell them you only recruit for current openings. Still others say, Look, beagles have been burned forever, so they don't believe anyone, but, being lawyers, they're compelled to call and listen, just to satisfy their own belief that all recruiters are scum. Another group says that Beagles only trust the BigRecruiter firms, while another one says "Hey, boutique recruiters are where it's at." Given all the philosophical differences, the differences in jobs and job types, and the differences in beagles and law firms in general, what do YOU, as a beagle, want ME, as a recruiter to SAY to you, and HOW do you want me to say it in order to communicate that:

1. There is a real live job opening right now.
2. For whatever reason, I think you might be a match to this job.
3. For whatever reason, I would like to know if you're considering a move, or
4. You've been an associate since 1999, and you're still an associate, and I'm not going to say it out loud, but, uh, WTF?! Is this REALLY the firm for you?
5. I only get paid for results, so I don't tend to waste my time unless I reasonably believe you fit the requirements of the position. You need to call me to confirm or invalidate that impression.
6. Regardless of how good a beagle you are or think you are, you have a much better chance of being placed if you go through a recruiter, unless a firm calls YOU. How do you know if your chances are better with a recruiter? Simple. Unless a firm calls YOU and either offers you a job or invites you to interview, you have a much better chance with a recruiter. If you don't believe Joe, go on an informational interview with an attorney you KNOW will tell you the truth, and ASK them. Even better, see a hiring partner or the lead Recruiter, and ask THEM.
7. Even with the imprimatur of a recruiter on your materials, as a recruiter, I'm only interested in the BEST candidate, but if I call YOU, at least I'm interested enough in you to LOOK at your materials, which just improved your odds by a factor of 3 or 4.

Part the Sixth: How should a recruiter "BE" when they present their pitch? Should they be "serious and reserved and highly professional" or "cute and fun and cuddly" or, "light and competent, but not taking themselves too seriously" (the way Joe tries to be. . . whether he succeeds or not is open to debate). Should we talk fast and get it over with, or slow and methodical, highlighting every nuance with polished and professional prose, or what?

ACT NOW! Joe has set up an email account specially for Beagles to respond. Comments will be accepted, results tallied, and presented here in future. Joe asks you to respond, and to get everyone you know to respond, so that we can do a better job for YOU, and for US as recruiters. Joe is hoping, if the response is big enough, to publish an article in a major Journal, which could make recruiting less painful for EVERYONE. So your contribution could absolutely CHANGE the process of recruiting as we know it. Who KNEW you had so much power?

Send your comments to: telljoerecruiter@hotmail.com .

Joe thanks you in advance. Remember to spread the word, and keep them comments coming.

Love and Kisses,

JoeRecruiter

Love Your Recruiter!!!!!!!!!!!!(For that crazy Beagle)

ADDENDUM!:

Joe should have realized he'd have to say it to Beagles. So he's saying it now: Your comments will be kept completely confidential. Your emails will be kept completely confidential. Any opinions offered or comments generated will be only aggregated commments, not specifically attributed to any beagle. Your email address(es) will not be kept, tracked, analyzed, confabulated, used, or manipulated in any way, except insofar as they'll be deleted like so much old news at the earliest opportunity. C'mon people, recruiters read this site too. . .they need your help, as does Joe. Thanks, many, to those who have already contributed, and to the rest of you. . .get it in gear.

The Best Dancer at St. Bernard-ettes.

2006-03-07T23:23:00.001-08:00

Ay, Mamelita! Has it actually been two weeks since JoeRecruiter put finger to key? Joe finds this almost impossible to believe. Joe apoogizes, and hopes you will forgive him. Work has taken over Joe's life. Have you ever had more work than you could actually DO? Joe has this problem now. They say success kills, and it's starting to kill Joe, although apparently not fast enough for some. What Joe means is that he has more assignments than he could POSSIBLY fill, even if he worked 24/7, which is SO not about to happen. But even if Joe did work 24/7 there aren't enough candidates that meet the Law Firm criteria, so why bother. And THAT is what is on Joe's mind.

Let Joe go back a ways, kay? It was Friday, and Joe was at dinner with Miss ChaCha DiGregoriJoe (yes, the Best Dancer at St. Bernard-ettes), and it was perfect. Not Miss ChaCha, mind you. . .Miss ChaCha is NEVER perfect. Miss ChaCha is always bad, which is why Joe likes to take her to Dinner. But she is NEVER perfect.

Ennyways, the Foie Gras was wonderful as was the Inniskillin Ice Wine, which Joe highly recommends as opposed to Chateau Y'Quem or some other Sauternes. Joe KNOWS this is a classic pairing, but, just TRY Ice Wine (or Eiswein, even better). You'll find that the comparatively higher acid cuts the richness of the Foie Gras very nicely, but still gives you the wonderful taste balance of a Sauternes. Where was Joe? Oh, yes, the Foie Gras was wonderful, the Duck, even better (Joe is fond of Duck. . .so much so that Duck and Foie Gras, at the same meal, didn't seem terribly wrong. . .on the other hand, there was also Beef Rossini, and the salad had Duck, slivered black truffles, and other nummies too. . .and it still didn't seem TOO over the top).

Now, you would think a meal like that would have almost anybody basking in WAVES of pleasure, and normally you would be right. But Joe was, I don't know, out of sorts for some reason, and it wasn't until the Port (Taylor 20-year Tawny) that Miss ChaCha said, in her warm purring voice "Yo, mister, snap out of it!" that Joe realized his mind was still on work, when it SHOULD have been on the spectacular dinner.

And Joe's mind was still on WORK because Joe had just had a little tiff with a VERY BAD Beagle, on one or another of them there message boards. Miss ChaCha made Joe ignore what had happened and concentrate on Dessert, and a good thing too, because it was a wonderful Coconut Cream Vacherin, with a Bittersweet Chocolate Ganache, accompanied by the TINIEST little Molten Chocolate Cake, Coconut Sorbet, and Coconut Syrup. It was amazing. So Joe put it out of his mind for the rest of dinner, but now feels he has to share it, with you.

And here it is: It's all well and good if you're a high-powered associate at a high-powered law firm, and bully for you, but don't think for a second that you know any more about what's happening in the recruiting office of your law firm than the average guy on the street, because you don't. And please, be a civilized beagle and don't foist that garbage off on unsuspecting bunnies, because they'll BELIEVE you, and they're the ones that are gonna get hurt, not you.

First of all, if you have a bad opinion of Recruiters, that's your right as a citizen, but don't for even a fraction of a second lump Joe in with anybody else, because Joe is, let's face it, a particularly unique character. The Bad Beagle questioned Joe's character, motives, background, experience, and commitment, all without even knowing the first thing about who Joe is or what Joe does, and then made claims regarding Law Firms that are flatly untrue, to the point that little beagle bunnies are probably all in a daze not knowing what they should do or when they should do it. SHAME on the Bad Beagle.

But how does this affect you, and why should you care? Good question, and thanks for asking. Let's look at a couple of facts, in no particular order, but, in terms of overall impact, we can prolly start with the raises for First Year associates.

The first announcement occurred probably on Jan 19, or thereabouts (Joe has an email dated 1/19 that announces a change, and nothing much before then), announcing a retro raise to Jan. 1, followed by another and so on, until, if you weren't paying attention, you'd think that EVERY law firm in the world, certainly in New York, and certainly EVERY BigLaw firm was pushing to $145K. But that's only half the story. Remember, SOME firms are dropping bonuses, SOME will institute a formula, and some will do some sort of disco combo, to the extent that, according to JoeMath, the actual raises add up to from about $3000-$7000 for MOST firms, and up to about $10K for virtually all of the rest. OF the reamining firms that claims stratospheric raises for first years, when you look at the comp formulas, they may be better OR worse than they were before.

The Second thing to remember is that this means ALL associate pay levels in the affected firms have to be recalculated and recalibrated, and, from what Joe hears, there MAY be concommitant increases in minimum billable hours. So, is this in fact a raise or not? Joe says, mostly, sort of. But the firms haven't all finished with their math, and anyone who tells you ANYTHING different isn't in touch with the firms on a regular basis. Even the few FEW firms with "published" associate pay plans advise that they're tentative.

The most amazing thing is that, like in years past, associates almost overwhelmingly say they'd rather have less pay and fewer required hours than MORE pay and MORE hours. So would the firms. Some senior partners have even said that they'd prefer to not have to mess with beginning pay at all and reduce the number of required billables for the first few years to give associates time to actually LEARN the art of lawyering in a firm before they go out for their "first kill." Nobody really believes you learn to be a lawyer just because you can bill 2366 hours your first year.

Third, associates still seem to believe that pay is some sort of negotiable issue, and that, if they simply apply, they'll be offered a job, and then, boy, they can negotiate a GREAT package that'll leave their fellows languishing in the dust of their victory. Sorry, but, in most firms, pay is NOT negotiable (at least not base pay), and usually bonuses are set too. You want a raise, you have to RAISE your value as a revenue producer by billing in excess of the minimum, if that option even exists, and, in some firms, because of the jacking up of minimum associate pay, the option to work, dare Joe say it. . ."Overtime" will be severely curtailed.

Fourth, and you know Joe wouldn't say this to anyone but you, but you can handle it: No matter how good YOUR opinion of your ability is, the offer, if you even get one, is going to be contingent on the offering firm's assessment of your ability, no matter how great a lawyer you think you are. For example, Joe is completely certain that Bad Beagle considers him/herself to be a GREAT lawyer, worth his/her weight in platinum. Perhaps. But Joe talked the issue over with some people at a number of BigLaw firms, where Bad Beagle claims to work (A BigLaw firm, not THE specific firm), and was told, before he could even ask, that an associate with that attitude would probably be either "slowed down" on the track, or invited to apply at another firm. Modesty and patience, and just generally being "nice to work with" still count at law firms, even BigLaw, so be careful of your attitude, and remember, you're a bunny until you get "promoted" by not being referred to as a bunny anymore, and it has a LOT to do with what the senior attorneys think of you, not what you think of yourself.

So, what does this mean? Is Joe a total sellout to the Law Firms? Oh, HELL no! But it does mean that Joe, like many people with MANY jobs, is responsible to both the Law Firms AND the associates, and he has to balance the reality of the situation with the "dreams" of the beagles, and sometimes that means "tough love."

So what do we do now? Keep listening, paying attention, and snuggling up to your recruiter. Firms are still hiring. They still want the best associates. Externals have the best associates (simple math. . .good attorneys are too busy to be futzing around on job boards, know what they want, and are prepared. . .they let recruiters do the work finding them a job whilst they go out and lawyer), and the Law Firms know that. It's simply a question of managing your priorities and making sure that you use resources that work FOR YOU, not resources that you WORK FOR.

To that end, and recognizing that not everybody has the same perspective, coupled with the fact that Joe is busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin' contest, Joe says make your choice. Either you believe Legal Recruiters are good or you don't.

If you do, find one, make sure there's a great fit, and take their advice. . .it's in their best interest to help you find the PERFECT job. In that way, everybody wins: The Law Firm, You, JoeRecruiter (or the other not-quite-as-luscious recruiter), and other lawyers, as well as clients, and, well, you get the idea. If you don't, strike out on your own, manage your own job search, and take responsibility for what happens. The choice is yours. . .just don't whine.

Meanwhile, Joe is negotiating with Miss ChaCha to plan another dinner. This time, Joe is hoping for a little less duck, and a LOT more attention to the dinner itself.

Love Your Recruiter!

JoeRecruiter

Joe Sez: "Drop that Crack!", and Other Nuttiness

2006-02-20T01:02:00.000-08:00

Joe is on a tear today. Well, yeah, every day, but particularly today. Is everybody on CRACK or what? Sometimes, Joe thinks, if it weren't for the fame, the fortune, the kissing of much butt (his, thankfully), the breathing of the rarefied air in the fancy places to which he takes himself (McDougals's, Burger Prince, Mindy's; you get the idea), being a highly sought after and almost never hit directly in the face Legal Recruiter would NOT be worth it. Let Joe explain.

Twice this week. . .in other words, WAY more than once, Joe has been asked the craziest of questions, and heard the craziest of things. All to do with recruiting. And contracts. Recruiting and contracts. As if they weren't, you know, tied at the hip, metaphorically speaking.

Let Joe spell it out for you: We do NOT recruit for Law Firms without a signed, sealed, and spit-upon contract, ever, ever, ever. And we don't disclose the name of the Firm we're searching for an attorney for, never, never, never, until we receive a copy of your resume, writing sample, and transcript. That's it. That's all.

Joe has explained this on more than one occasion, but apparently someone (or some MANY) missed that day in class, so Joe will go over it again.

1. Law Firms: Joe loves Law Firms. Law Firms love Joe. Joe loves to find good attorneys for Law Firms so they can continue to be Law Firms, and gain in power and glory. Law Firms, believe it or don't, are simply FILLED with Lawyers. And Lawyers should know better than to ask a recruiter to initiate a search without a contract. And yet, time after time, Joe hears this line: "Oh, we don't sign contracts with Headhunters, but if you become aware of (Exact specifications on the type of lawyer(s) the firm is looking for), you're welcome to send their information."

Sure, because Joe has nothing better to do than initiate a search, find the perfect group of candidates, spend umpteen hours sifting and sorting, and collating, and so on, only to have a law firm say "Oh, I'm sorry, we only pay on candidates for which we have a contract with the external recruiter." It has happened before, and, as Riki Tiki Tavi said of the Cobras in his house "Once bitten, Twice Shy."

Joe can only imagine that there's some strange virus going around SOME law firms that makes Hiring Partners, Internal Recruiters, and HR Managers think that uttering those words, or words like them, could make sense to anyone but the addled.

First of all, it's not a contract for gallons of anyone's blood, or even a small child. It's not even an agreement to pay the External Recruiter for his/her work. All it says is, if JoeRecruiter FINDS you a candidate, and you then HIRE that candidate, Joe gets paid for FINDING the candidate for you. No hire, no pay. It's really kind of a no-lose proposition for the law firm, because it frees up their in-house staff to do the things they really NEED to do (hire first-years, summer associates, and para-professionals; administer HR; plan and staff and calculate, and figure, and make sure the PEOPLE side of the firm is running correctly).

The reason External Recruiters even exist is because there's a need for us, and it's not really a good use of internal staff's time to dig through HUNDREDS of resumes, mining for the few diamonds in the pile. Better to call a recruiter with knowledge of the market, the attorneys, and the available jobs, who entire purpose is to skim the cream and present it to the firm for its consideration.

Even Joe's good friend Crack Alley Sally gets THAT.

However, Law Firms are a JOY when compared to Lawyers, so let's rake the lawyers for a while.

2.Lawyers: Honestly, Lawyers sometimes make Joe wonder what is UP with the legal profession. Here's the thing: Your Legal Recruiter has relationships, usually good ones, sometimes GREAT ones, with Law Firms. If s/he's done a good job for them in the past, they're MUCH more likely to trust his/her judgment on a candidate than YOURS, because you're, well, YOU. Not to be harsh, but you're sort of biased toward your own candidacy.

Yeah, Joe is biased too, but he's looking at profiles of dozen and dozens, sometimes HUNDREDS of Lawyers, and he's GOING to find the 3 or 4 candidates that best fit what he thinks the Firm is looking for. It's in HIS best interest to do so. The more "perfect" candidates Joe places with Law Firm, Inc., the more they'll come to him, the more money he makes, and the happier he is.

There are other benefits to working with an External Recruiter. No, not just for Joe, but for Lawyers as well. External Recruiters have no obligation to anyone but the candidate. Yeah, we're looking for the benefit of the Law Firm, but we EXIST for the benefit of the Lawyer. A good legal recruiter knows the firms, from the inside out (just look at all the people s/he's placed there). S/he knows the good stuff AND the bad stuff, and everything in-between. S/he knows what firms are likely to be a good fit, and which ones are NOT, and s/he'll tell you the truth.

No, it's not because we're particularly ethical or moral, although those would be good reasons too. It's because a successful placement is only successful if you STAY with the law firm. If you don't, Joe doesn't get to keep the money, you won't trust Joe to find you the NEXT job that you now have to find because you HATE this one, and pretty soon, neither Law Firms NOR attorneys will use Joe to fill jobs, which will make Joe poor, and that would be bad. Joe doesn't do poor well.

For an attorney, job hunting without a Legal Recruiter is like going to trial without preparing. Yeah, you COULD do it, and it MIGHT turn out okay, but is it worth the risk? What if you find out you hate the job, or WORSE, they hate YOU? Assuming you don't get fired, you're going to have a short tenure at that firm, which will be almost as difficult to explain to the NEXT Law Firm, which might cost you the job, which means things'll get even worse at your present firm, until they actually MIGHT fire you, which will be even HARDER to explain to the next law firm, and so on. A good recruiter can help you avoid ALL that nonsense, cut through the clutter, and find the right job at the right firm, without a lot of headaches in between.

Joe knows what you're thinking. You're thinking "Yeah, maybe, Joe, maybe not, but I'm a Lawyer! A good one. A smart one. I'm cute and funny, and even potty-trained, and at the top of the employment food chain." All true. But so are many of the 700 OTHER attorneys who just submitted their resumes to that job board, and how will YOU cut through all the clutter to deliver YOUR message? Joe's just saying.

The bottom line is that Legal Recruiting, and Legal Recruiters, are here for a reason. We help Law Firms get better attorneys, and we help attorneys get better jobs. And, at the end of the day, that's a good enough reason to BE here.

Meanwhile, Joe worries about Crack Alley Sally. She wants to become a Lawyer.

Love your Recruiter!

Here, Fishy, Fishy, Fishy! Oh, and, uh, THANKS!

2006-02-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

Actually, let's do this in reverse. Joe would like to thank you, and you, and, oh, especially YOU for the props, high-fives, and assorted accolades (how's that for alliteration?) y'all have bestowed on one JoeRecruiter. According to the people who get paid to find these things out (in other words, NotJoe), this is one of the fastest-moving blogs around. So, keep up the good work. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell your FWBs. Tell yo' mama. And, absolutely, tell your in-house recruiters and all your associates. Spread the word. Joe likes feedback, even little snarky comments like you're about to read below (very BAD sentence construction; Joe is. . .ashamed).

Seriously, thanks for the support; Joe is touched. Joe and Co. will do our very best to keep this blog relevant, interesting, and, maybe just a little irreverent. Can Joe get a amen? Thanks. On to other details.

You're probably asking yourself "Self, what the hell do fishes have to do with Lawyerish Recruiting?", and no one could blame you. Imagine, if you will, the scene:
Joe is sitting at the JoeRecruiter PowerDesk, and, lo and by gum, the phone rings. Okay enough of that. I'm already tired of it.

Here's the deal: An associate at a very nice but not too special law firm returned Joe's call (you know how it goes: "Hey, Associate, this here's JoeRecruiter, and I have a job I think you might like. Hit me back, yo!"). Right out of the gate, no kisses, no flowers, the Associate (we'll call him Muttley) starts in on interrogation mode: "Who is this for? What about this? What about that? Do you get eggroll with six? Can you hear me now?" You know what Joe means.

Look, here's the down and dirty. When an ethical recruiter calls you about a position, the purpose of the call is to see if you're interested in an opportunity. We describe it generally, and, usually, the firm as well, but, you know, generally. There are two reasons for this.

First, and most important, virtually all firms want to know something about a candidate to find out if s/he fits their "model" of what they want in a new teammember, usually WAY before you find out their name. Second, we have agreements with the firms to conduct searches confidentially, and there are a lot of good, and some silly, reasons for this. You know, you're a beagle. . .beagles are cagey.

The upshot of all of this is that if you call back with a ton of questions that you want answered before you're willing to let Joe, or any other recruiter, "see what you got," you're gonna be depressed, and you're still not gonna get the information. Our job is to find candidates that fit the pattern the Law Firm drew, not the other way around. Don't worry about YOUR information getting out. Now, Joe KNOWS that there are some dork recruiters out there, but they're widely known, and so are their methods, and, anyway, there's a simple solution. You simply notify the recruiter that your info is confidential and can't be released without your permission.

In Joe's case, I generally ask a bunch of questions about your practice, your comp. level, your caseload, hourly rate, and so on. Find out what you like and don't like. Are you ready to move or just looking. Red wine or white. (just kidding). But, after the first discussion, Joe isn't ready to paper the world with your resume. . .it's just like a blind date, you know? Joe is sizing you up. And it's an important part of the process, even if it IS a little silly.

When an associate starts looking for all kinds of information (we call if "fishing a dry lake," or some other colorful expression, thus the term "fishing"), we mostly figure you're not interested, or, even more importantly, that you're gonna be a pain to work with. And that's okay too, except get THIS: Joe doesn't need a job. Joe isn't LOOKING for a job. Joe HAS a job. And, even if you're the greatest Associate in the world, and even your DOG calls you Stud ("Yo, Stud, 'sup?!"), things could change in an instant, and you could be fighting your dog for access to the food bowl. If you don't believe me, just check out the "Newsline" any week. And there's NO attorney harder to place than one who isn't working.

More to the point, placements rarely occur quickly. For example, even if Joe LOVES you, and you love Joe, and you're DEFINITELY looking to move, building a profile, sending all the information to the firm, getting back their response (and YES takes a LOT longer than NO), and on, and on, can take, LITERALLY, months. And this is if they LIKE you.

So, here, in semi-condensed form, is Joe's advice for the working attorney:

1. You are NOT irreplaceable, and you have less than no control over what's going to happen at your firm. Even if they love you, things could change. Accordingly, you should ALWAYS be scanning the horizon, so, at the very least, you know what's out there, and your level of marketability.

2. When a recruiter calls you about an ACTUAL position, it generally means that they've learned enough about you to think you might be a fit for the position. Only stupid recruiters call with empty hands, and empty hands don't get paid.

3. An ethical recruiter will almost never reveal the client's name to you before they have you on paper in THEIR hands. That's as it should be. After all, if they'll give the law firm's name up to you without approval, how do you know they won't give YOU up to a law firm the same way?

4. We know, we KNOW! Recruiting calls are a pain in the butt. The only people who like them less than attorneys are recruiters. Frankly, Joe'd prefer it if all of the resumes of qualified attorneys would appear on his desk underneath the Job Order, in a neat little pile, so he didn't have to squander 80% of his day dodging, ducking, weaving, and jabbing, just to leave you a message about a job that you might, Joe said MIGHT. . .love. However, the device that accomplishes all this is still in development, so UNTIL that time, Joe needs to call YOU, and YOU need to call him back.

5. Remember, you either PROVIDE dinner, or you ARE dinner. Go ahead, be sarcastic, BE testy. . .get an attitude. Joe will leave you alone. For ever and ever, and EVER. You don't wanna be bothered, hey, it ain't no thing. I won't call you again. Even when your firm implodes and the MP decides to cut staff by 20%, I will NEVER make your phone ring. You want it, you got it. In fact, do me a favor, and LOSE MY NUMBER. However, six months later, don't be surprised if you get an email saying "told you so."

6. Even if you have the greatest job in the world, it's a good idea to have a current copy of EVERYTHING, which is to say, a PROFESSIONAL resume, a most excellent writing sample, a copy of your transcripts (unofficial is fine for the first "data dump"), and, if you're truly inspired, a sort of "Profile" that lists things you KNOW a law firm would want to know: Area(s) of practice, and time in each; significant work or cases; annual comp. level (Base level, base plus bonus, Total Comp); hourly rate and annualized billable hours, plus explanations for any squirrelly formulas; key needs (why I'd move, IF I moved, which I haven't said I'm going to do, yet); you know, a sort of "You, on Paper" only better. Take all of this and convert it into a file you can just email, and you're home and happening, and it's only a few minutes of your time once the major work is done.

7. Make a "wish list" of places, or situations, that would inspire you, or that you'd be prepared to move for. Even if you're "dug in" at your firm, SECONDS away from being made partner, if you get a call, you can at least say "Well, I'm very happy here, but if there was a job that had THIS (your wish list), I might be interested." Who knows? Next month, next week, heck, maybe even tomorrow, a firm could call with the job-O'-your-dreams. It could happen! Actually, it happens every day.

8. Finally, be NICE to the recruiter. Remember, law firms may call us, but the truth of the matter is that it's our job to find the perfect job for YOU (you being the candidate, wise guy). When we make a perfect placement, everybody wins: The Law Firm, 'cuz they found the right beagle; You, 'cuz you found the right job; your dog, 'cuz now he doesn't have to share his Kibbles 'n Bits with YOU; and, of course, the noble, shy, warm and friendly, almost puppyish JoeRecruiter, because he gets paid, which means he can now give even more money to HotsyTotsyJoe, about which, the less said the better. See, it's ALL good!

Remember, love your recruiter. Just don't LOVE your recruiter. And it wouldn't kill you to maybe pick up the phone now and then would it? Call your mother.

Bunnies, and Beagles, and Muffins, Oh My!

2006-02-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

So, you've probably heard some of the terms we in the Legal Recruiting world use to describe you. No, not the dirty words we use to DESCRIBE you. . .rather the way we classify you. Here is a primer of some words that have been used to describe people, places, and things in the profession. They have the JoeSpin (tm) on them, but, as we all know, Joe is in the know. So if you use them in any other context, you're probably working with some punk at Wussy, Sissy, and Girly, instead of a Real Recruiter. Joe will have more to say on this crap later.

First of all, all lawyers are attorneys which are lawyers, which are BEAGLES. This was born in the middle of a Sushi Storm with both hot AND cold Sake. Joe thinks someone was trying to say "Legal Eagle," but it seemed like too much work, so now, all Legal Eagles are Beagles. As in "I don't know, Mr. Fanucci, but let me call my Beagle, and we'll find out if this dead body in your cafe is a bad thing."

Bunnies: (bunny, singular): You. At least, when you first come out of school. See how cute you are with your little ears and your little tails, just EARNEST and HOPEFUL, and so SOFT and, well, BUNNY-Like. You'll be a bunny until you're a Third-Year at which time you'll become a

Joey or Freshman: Not as bad as a bunny, but, still, you know, in many ways, like a Bunny, but older. For those of you so disposed, don't ever EVER call yourself a "FROSH." You will be ridiculed from New York to LA and everywhere in between. Joe will make sure of it. However, if you mind your manners, and become a good multi-year associate, start to develop a practice and a following, eventually, you will become (music please), a

Stud: Again, not gender-specific. It's like "dude." You are either "dude" or you are "not dude." In California, Las Vegas, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix, and many other cool cities, you're actually allowed to smack someone who says "dudette," or something else equally lame, and Joe supports that rule with stud. Boy or girl, woman or man, if you're a stud, you're a stud, and if you're not, you're not. If you're not, don't call Joe, because Joe only deals with studs. Call one of the BigBoys.

BigBoy: One of the national/international/world-wide, multi-cultural, multi-office, soup to nuts, "we do it all for you" recruiting practices that know less about Legal Recruiting than Joe does about Bikini Waxing (although you'd be surprised). Or one of the bigBIG Legal Recruiting houses that are the same kind of operation, with many more recruiters than there are jobs, and not one single personal relationship with a law firm at all. What Joe doesn't ever want to be. It's like BigLaw to Lawyers. They're more about quantity than quality, at least in the "early years." But Joe, and even the BigBoys, need BigLaw for our Joeys and Studs. See, it's a circle of life. . .Sir Elton would be so pleased. Come, Simba.

Finally, a word has to be said about where all (or most, anyway) of this lingo comes from. Some of you may be thinking, "Of Course, Johnny Lingo!" but in this case, you would be wrong. No, Joe learned almost everything he knows, and a great deal of what he doesn't know, from BigDaddy PapaJoe. BigDaddy PapaJoe is the last of the great Legal Recruiters. Sadly, he is no longer recruiting, having burnt out trying to predict which of the BigLaw firms would be the first to reach a Million Dollars PPP. He had index cards and everything. Joe still remembers the last time he saw BigDaddy PapaJoe, in four-point restraints, being dragged off to the state Hospital, where he rots to this day, handicapping cockroaches for the weekly tournaments. There's a lesson here, although Joe doesn't know what it could possibly be.

Oh yeah, I remember: Love your Legal Recruiter. That's always good advice.

Comes Now The Flood-Questions, we get Questions!

2006-02-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

Already it's starting. JoeRecruiter takes just a little snack break, and all heck breaks loose. I kid you not, twenty minutes after the first post and Joe's cell phone was ringing off his very stylish and not at all cheap belt. The "mail call" bong was clanging in Joe's sensitive ears. It was a madhouse. Joe needed a Red Bull and he needed one quick (hey, if it's good enough for Madonna, it's good enough for Joe).

Fine, questions you got, answers Joe's got. Hands, please. Let's with the hands!

1. SO, UH, JOE, SHOULD I JUST GO WITH ANY LEGAL RECRUITER, OR, YOU KNOW A SPECIALIST? Let us ask one of our female guests who she'd rather have her pelvic completed by. . .just any old doc (or, come to think of it, a dentist or a vet), or a specialist. What do YOU think, Sherman? A specialist, of course. By which, I mean, not just someone who recruits Legal on Thursday, and Medical on Friday, and Engineering on Tuesday, and Accountants on Wed. . .you know what I mean. I mean, you should go with someone who KNOWS law firms and legal recruiting, and does it full time. Does it have to be Bigge Fatte & Huge, Mega Recruiting Firm of the Gods? Sure, if you want to be one of the THOUSANDS of potential recruits they want (NEED) to place. Think about it. . .how many placements do they HAVE to make a month, week, day, hour to pay for that very expensive real estate inside the corridors of power in EVERY major city in the U S of A?

So, if you're the Hiring Partner at Picky and Snippy and Snaub, LLC, WHICH recruiter are you going to call first with the plum assignment. . .the one that HAS to fill four before lunch, or the one that has time to go through their files, find exactly the perfect candidate or three, and submit them, knowing that the odds on bet is that at least one of them will fit your candidate profile like a wet glove? Right, that's what Joe is saying. Little else needs to be said.

2. WHAT ABOUT THEM THERE "MARKETING CAMPAIGN" WEBSITES, AND BY THE WAY, SHOULD I EVER HAVE TO PAY TO BE PRESENTED? Let's do part B first. Joe says this emphatically: You should NEVER ever have to pay to have your credentials presented to a law firm, and if you're ever asked to pay anything (even postage), you should run away screaming. And tell your friends. Your enemies, you can send there. No ethical recruiter would ever ask a candidate to pay to present them. No ethical recruiter would ever present you without your knowledge. No ethical recruiter would ever present you by name without your prior consent. And NO ethical recruiter would ever contact you about a position without an actual assignment.

Now, having said all the above, Joe will on occasion call a potential candidate to assess their interest in an "unnamed" position: "Bobby, this is JoeRecruiter calling about a position for a third-year associate with a major law firm who has significant experience in Pigeon Rights. If this is of interest to you or someone of your acquaintance, please call me at 777-888-9999." In this case, if you called back and said "Joe, Bobby LOVES Pigeon Rights, it's all I dream about," Joe would call the Firm (Feather, Flutter, Fluff, PA) and say "Firm, this is JoeRecruiter, and I have a third-year with significant experience in Pigeon Rights who might be willing to move for the right offer. If the position is available still, please call Joe." And there you are.

As far as "Legal Marketing Campaigns," Joe believes that's a buncha armadilla crap. They claim to have proof. Joe suggests you ask for the proof, in writing. When you send it to Joe, he will apologise. And not one second before. Joe DOES think this COULD work, in the same way that SOME attorneys DO get hired off websites and by submitting to Law Firms' own portals, but, again, if this is you, Joe wonders why you're not doing something better with your time, and by the way, so do the smart law firms.

3. WHAT ABOUT PARTNERS, JOE? YOU DIDN'T SAY A BLOODY THING ABOUT PARTNERS, JOE!

Joe is a very bad person. You're right, Joe gave the partners short shrift, and he apologizes. For the record, so do the firms. They HATE to call Joe for Partners because they don't like to pay the fees. In fact, this past week, Joe got a call from a person who shall remain nameless but who works for a very big law firm in a very dynamic city, which law firm is losing partners like Joe is losing his hair. The charming Attorney Recruiter flat out told Joe s/he would NOT pay for Partners but, if Joe knew of a Partner with 10 years of experience in Veeblefetzers and a portable book, they would "consider" signing a contract for (get this!) future placements.

Joe thanked the Recruiter for his/her time, and pointed out that he knew of just such a partner, who he was going to recommend to VBLF's major competitor, now that he knew they had a weakness in that department. Of course, he didn't say it out loud. What he did say was "As a matter of fact, I DO know of such a person, but before I could present him/her, I'd need a signed copy of our contract before we could proceed. If you prefer, we'd be happy to look at YOUR standard contract." Not just no, but "NAY!" said the Recruiter, and POOF, the Firm was PREY said the Joe. Welcome to the jungle, you tender morsel, you.

Partners are great, but law firms get WAY too skitchy about them. They're harder to place, take a LOT more time to develop, present, schedule, and so on, and they're a LOT of work. It's SO not worth doing all that work if the hiring firm doesn't want to pay the fee, because it takes Joe away from smooth, easy placements that happen fairly quickly. If you're a partner, and you want to move, you should contact a recruiter yourself, and start the ball rolling. Law firms LOVE to hire partners, especially if you have portable business, and most of it will stay with you. The closer you are to a million dollars or more in final portable business, the easier you are to place.

Finally, entire partner groups, especially successful ones, are rock solid gold, but you should be ready to move fairly quickly, because when the deal solidifies, you'll have to move fast. The concept of, um, "glacial preparation" does not hold in group moves.

4. I'M PRETTY SURE I WANT TO MOVE FIRMS FOR (INSERT HERE) REASON. WHEN SHOULD I MAKE THE MOVE?

There really is no best BEST time, but there is a worst time, and that is any time you have less than three years in at the associate level. Before then, your "market value" is relatively unproven; you have no "street cred", even if you're the winningest attorney in your field. There's also a worse time to go when you're a partner, and that is when you're on the "other side" of being the "golden boy" or "golden girl" for a practice. For example, there's an attorney in one firm who is the darling of a particular legal community; head of the local office, extremely good at one particular area of the law, just a shining star. We're telling him/her that NOW is the time to make a deal. S/he wants to wait a year or two, until things "quiet down." Joe pointed out that, when things get the quietest is right AFTER your funeral. S/he didn't appreciate the comment, but Joe is right. You're only a rainmaker while the rains come. No more rain, no more rainmaker. (Or as Joe's favorite French grandmother used to say "Even the BEST Rooster will eventually end up in a pot.")

And, Finally, (Oh, Thank (Insert Whomever Here)!),

5. JOE, I LOVE YOU; I WANT YOU TO REPRESENT ME; MY LAW FIRM WANTS TO HAVE YOU REPRESENT US; (I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY, JOE; YOU FUNNY GUY, JOE; LOVE YOU LONG TIME, ETC.).

Flattered as Joe is, this is really a public service to the Legal Community. Ah, I see the confusion on your little legal faces. Hmmmmmmm. I got it. . . it's like Pro Bono for Lawyers. The purpose of this blog is to teach, to break down the walls of hysteria, confusion, myth, legend, and extremism, and replace them with rationality, logic, and, well, a certain amount of style.

Joe wants the Law Firm to LOVE the outside Legal Recruiter. Joe wants the professional Legal Recruiter to LOVE the Law Firm. Joe wants the practicing attorney to keep practicing, not go off on some search for meaning that will never end. If you went to law school, you were meant to be a lawyer, on some level. Okay, maybe not, but having the wrong job doesn't mean that you picked the wrong life. At least, it doesn't have to.

More importantly, Joe wants to make enough money to buy the CUTEST little island off the coast of Costa Rica, and he can't do that if you yoyos keep fighting. Okay, I'm kidding. I already HAVE enough money. What I want is power. Lots and lots of power. And hair. Lots and lots of hair. Yup, that's it. Power, and Hair. Mostly hair.

Keep them questions coming. I'll treat them with all the respect they deserve. Honest!