H e a r T

PhilosopherSsss

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Mon, 7 Jul 2008 15:25:00 -0700

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what
to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father
replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice
cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long
time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's
advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you
like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence
returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He
asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and
there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a
brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who
listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions
about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was
willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed
and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it
came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is
the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist
world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact,
that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question,
What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old
colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.

"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."

"And have you found an answer?"

"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is
like a bridge."

"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little
more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"

"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right;
perhaps life is not like a bridge."

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his
chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable
thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT
EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to
embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one
student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final
in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final
grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty
seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

How philosophers do it...

Philosophers do it deeper.

Philosophers do it a posteriori.

Philosophers do it consistently.

Philosophers do it conceptually.

Philosophers do it for pure reasons.

Philosophers do it with their minds.

Philosophers think about doing it.

Philosophers wonder why they did it.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"

"Define 'light bulb'..."

"How can you be sure it needs changing?"

Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing
over whether or not the light bulb exists.

How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and
argues that it isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says
that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which
does the job.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

Three. One to change it, one not to change it, and one both
to change it and not to change it.

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how
the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a
netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does it take to
change a light bulb?

You're still thinking in terms of 'incremental change'--what
we really need is paradigm shift...we don't need a bulb with more attributes
added on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Every light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

EngineeRsss

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Mon, 7 Jul 2008 15:15:00 -0700

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who
was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the
incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this
ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He
disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the
whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."

Well,
the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10
million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to
Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure
blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed
your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up!
Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives
on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful
bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple
of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls
up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what
you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between
classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human
body.

One of the students insisted that the human body must have
been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of
the nerves and synapses.

Another disagreed, and exclaimed that
it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body.
The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.

"No," the third
student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an
architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line
through a recreation area?"

Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You're sweeter than glucose.
We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough: Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research: It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits: We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying: It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured: We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination: We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties: We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period: We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried: We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem: We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned: The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties: We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.: Half done.
We predict...: We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.: Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.: 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.: It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.: Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.: Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.: Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.: We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.: The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.: This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

Sardar Jokes : Fresh Sardar Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:41:00 -0700

Boss : Where were you born ?

sardar : Punjab.

Boss : which part ?

sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

_________________

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.

_________________

Sardar : What is the name of your car ?

Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”.

Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi

petrol se start hoti hai.

_________________

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why

are you removing a wheel from your auto.

sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

_________________

Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He

gave

Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

_________________

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the

computer.

Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.

Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

_________________

On a romantic day sardar’s girlfriend asks him. Darling on our

engagement day will you give me a ring.

Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

_________________

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any

one before you die?

Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

_________________

How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?

Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it….

_________________

Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,

Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’

_________________

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from

NASA to SATYANASA

_________________

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.

Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?

Santa: I’m falling in love.

_________________

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets

Jeeto: Why 3?

Santa: For you and your parents

_________________

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.

Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

_________________

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein

Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

_________________

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

_________________

In an interview,

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

_________________

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got

irritated…

drank poison & said,

Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

_________________

Banta: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all

India Radio!

_________________

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.

Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child

_________________

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate

Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,

Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’

_________________

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from

NASA to SATYANASA

_________________

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.

Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?

Santa: I’m falling in love.

_________________

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets

Jeeto: Why 3?

Santa: For you and your parents

_________________

Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.

Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

_________________

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein

Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

_________________

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

_________________

In an interview,

Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?

Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….

Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

_________________

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got

irritated…

drank poison & said,

Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

_________________

Banta: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all

India

Radio!

_________________

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.

Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child

_________________

The Russians dug 1000 ft in the ground and found copper wire; they declared Russia had electricity 1000 years back.

US dug and found optical fiber and declared US had telephone 2000 years back.

A sardar in India found nothing. Then said oye we had wireless technology 5000 years back.

_________________

Sardar: Last night I saw an English movie .It had no scene nor no sound.

Friend Sardar: wow tell me the name of the movie. I too want to see it.

Sardar: Please Insert Disc.

_________________

DIFFERENT SARDAR’S..

1.Student Sardar: Me fail English!!!!! Thats Unpossible.

2.Police :we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Thief Sardar : Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

3.Father Sardar : Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try

4.Patient Sardar: In my dreams monkey play football every night.

Doctor: Take this medicine from tonight.

Patient Sardar: Can I start from tomorrow because tonight is Final.

_________________

SARDAR’S BIRTHDAY..

Sardar went for an interview, The question was when is your birthday?

Sardar: 19th january.

Interviewer: which year?

Sardar: Nonsense..Every Year.

_________________

TICKET TICKET..

Sardar: should I buy tickets to my children.

Conductor: yes only if they are above 8.

Sardar: Thank god I have only 6 children.

_________________

SARDAR IN AMERICA..

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to America.They searched for rooms
everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100
floor hotel.

After taking rest they started for a local visit.

While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should
reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and
they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30.

Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways
under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts
for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much
trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

“I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only”.

Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story.

The third one said,

“I forgot the room key which is on the manager’s table”.

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said,

” I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end”.

They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said,

” The keys were in my pocket only”.

With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said,

” I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only”.

Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

“This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this…!!!”

sardarji's photography

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:23:00 -0700

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral > function, suddenly all relatives beat
him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Two sardarji in a pub

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:23:00 -0700

Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two
drinks took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars exchanged their sandwiches.

A proporsal to sardarji

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:21:00 -0700

ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED
SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY,

WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..

MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD,

MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI ,

MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.
SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!!

sardarji got a job

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:20:00 -0700

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question -

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar- Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

sardarji's chicken farm

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:17:00 -0700

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the

dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for

another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

sardarji complaints

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:13:00 -0700

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

Sardarji jokes

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:11:00 -0700

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

Lots of Wit and Wisdom

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:42:00 -0700

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was -

'You'll never find anyone like me again!'

I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'"

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a
congressman."

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here!'"

Corporate Lessons!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:38:00 -0700

A priest was driving along and saw
a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open
and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an
accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm
129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Women's Rights

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:29:00 -0700

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last
year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our

husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband,
Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have
to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but
on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's
conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first
day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,

but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass
year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo
Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and
washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

2 fishermen

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:23:00 -0700

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a
boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at
various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try
one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to
happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul
said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to
come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and
made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With
that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat
will know where to fish.

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:19:00 -0700

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll

squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a

horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why

didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the

same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to
stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

The Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:17:00 -0700

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
those idiots deducted $95.00!

4 Doctors talk Politics!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Thu, 5 Jun 2008 08:15:00 -0700

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine
in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person,
put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can
take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take
an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the
country will be looking for work the next day."

Kidneys for Brains

noreply@blogger.com (unni) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 14:28:00 -0700

The teacher asked her students if
anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not
get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The
second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third
kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the
playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's
all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

Restoring her youth!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:33:00 -0700

After her fifth child, Lucy decided
that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore
herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a
tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation
went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say
thanks."

"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be
the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.

"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

I can\'t feel my legs!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:33:00 -0700

A man wakes up in a hospital bed
after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs,
I can't feel my legs!!!

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

Rude Doctor!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:31:00 -0700

Mr. Jones gets a call from the
hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He
rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in
an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is
inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you
will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as
she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers
must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel
will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must
clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent
she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -

"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...

You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

10 Commandments of a Teenager

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:30:00 -0700

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.

(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.

(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.

(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.

(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.

(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.

(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.

(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.

(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.

(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.

(just leave'm in the middle)

Little Johnny at it again!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:27:00 -0700

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming
out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a
filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would
give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy
said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter
and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to
"R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

One Brilliant Kid!

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:27:00 -0700

A Duke was hunting in the forest
with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it,
archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an
arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a
small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it
was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the

middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.

"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...

...and then I paint the target around it."

Kidneys for Brains

noreply@blogger.com (Arun) — Wed, 4 Jun 2008 13:26:00 -0700