IT IS A J0KE

2012-09-30T07:03:00.001+01:00

A woman had a cat which she loved so much, she named the cat ENOUGH. One day, the cat was not seen and so, the woman decided to check around for it. After an ultimate search and still not being able to find the cat, she decided to check inside the room, while in the room, she bent down to check under the bed for the cat, this made her breasts exposed such that anybody around would see it as clear as crystal. With frustration, the woman asked the house boy who had been staring at the exposed breasts, 'have you seen ENOUGH?' the house boy, confused, answered the woman, yes, madam, I've even seen more than enough

WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE WHEN...

2012-08-30T05:58:00.001+01:00

A man was walking down
the street when he was
accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet,
extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some
beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking
years ago," the homeless
man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble
instead of buying food?" the
man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the
homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to
stay alive."
"Will you spend it on greens
fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked.
"Are you nuts!" replied the
homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money
on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the
man asked.
"What disease would I get
for ten lousy bucks?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm
not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to
take you home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was
astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's
okay. I just want her to see
what a man who
gives up beer, gambling,
golf, and sex look like"

COURT CASE

2012-08-25T20:52:00.001+01:00

Two young guys appear in
court after being arrested for
smoking Marijuana.
The judge says, 'You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like
to give you a second chance
instead of jail time. I want
you to go out this weekend
and try to convince others of
the evils of drug use. I'll see
you back in court Monday.'
On Monday, the judge asks
the first guy, 'How did you do
over the weekend?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 17 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Seventeen people? That's
wonderful. How did you do
it?'
'I used a diagram, your
honor. I drew two circles like
this: O o. Then I told them
that the big circle is your
brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after
drugs.'
'That's admirable,' says the
judge. Then he turns to the
second guy. 'And how did you
do?'
'Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give
up drugs forever.'
'Wow!' says the judge. '156
people! How did you manage
to do that?'
'Well, I used a similar
diagram,' the guy says. 'I
drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little
circle and said, 'This is your
asshole before prison."

THE MAN SHE LOVES MOST

2012-08-22T08:03:00.003+01:00

One day a man came back
early from his office. He was
shocked to
see his wife with another
man -
jona. He told his wife to go
out of the room. Then he said
to
jona, "what are you doing
here?"jona
replied "I love your wife &
she loves me too.” To this
the
man
said "I know that my wife
loves
me & not you." After a long
conversation they decided
"we'll
hold our guns & fire at
each other
&pretend to be dead. She
will
mourn for the guy she
loves the
most & the other person
will get
out of their lives."The wife
heard
the gunshots, she came into
the
room, shocked and
surprised,
stood staring at both the
dead
bodies. Suddenly she
started
laughing out loudly,
rejoicing and
shouted "kay get out of
that
wardrobe, these 2 idiots
are dead
now!”

FRUSTRATED PRINCIPAL

2012-08-12T07:43:00.001+01:00

A frustrated principal said to
his students on a monday
morning at the assembly
ground; Since the Genesis of
this term, some students
have been Exodusing home
early and i will use my
Levitical power to
Deuteronomise their
Numbers. To do this, i have
appointed Joshua as one of
the Judges, Ruth and Samuel
as Kings. To chronicle the
event is Ezra. Nehemiah and
Esther will complete the Job
and they shall all sing in
Psalms and speak in Proverbs.

SACRIFICIAL GIVING|COUPLE JOKE

2012-08-06T07:11:00.003+01:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."

ENGLISH STUDENT

2012-08-05T07:15:00.003+01:00

During a hostel inspection, a student whose bed
was untidy had the following conversation with
the house master who happens to be his english
teacher.

Master : Why is your bed untidy?

Student: I don't know Sir.

Master : Are you Mad?

Student: That's a question sir.

Master : Don't be stupid.

Student: Thanks for the advice sir.

Master : Get out of the Hostel.

Student: That's acommand sir.

Master : Goodness!!!!

Student: That's an exclamation.sir

Master : May God have mercy on you.

Student : That's a prayer sir, Thank you sir, for
wishing me well.

GOAL KEEPER SAVES BABY'S LIFE

2012-08-01T17:10:00.001+01:00

A soccer goalkeeper was walking
along the street one day when he
heard screams from a nearby
building. He looked up to see
smoke
billowing from a fourth-floor
window
and a woman leaning out
holding a
baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the
woman,
"I need someone to catch my
baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had
gathered,
but none was confident about
catching a baby dropped from
such a
great height. then the
goalkeeper,
stepped forward. "I'm a
professional
goalkeeper," he called to the
woman.
"I'm renonwned for my safe
hands.
Drop the baby and I will catch it.
For
me, it will be just like catching a
ball."
The woman agreed:"Ok, then.
When I
drop my baby, treat it as if you
were
catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman
dropped the baby. Everyone held
their breath as the goalkeeper
lined
himself up to catch it. There was
a
huge sigh of relief, followed by
wild
cheering as the goalkeeper
caught the
baby safely in his arms. Then he
bounced it twice on the ground
and
kicked it 50 yards down the
street.

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

2012-07-26T17:25:00.001+01:00

Application to Date my
Daughter
NOTE: This application will be
incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical
report from your doctor.
NAME____________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________
WEIGHT____________ IQ__________
GPA______________
SOCIAL SECURITY#________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES_______________________________________
HOME
ADDRESS_______________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes
___No
Number of years they have been
married
______________________________
If less than your age, explain
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to
a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires?
__Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in
the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose
ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or
a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY
OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES
IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST
RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does
'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does
'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'
mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does
'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
__________________________________________________
How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to
interview your:
father? _____________
mother? ____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all
answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I
would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone
I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C. A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this
application does not ask me
about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF
you grow up?
____________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I
always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate
of a hotel room?
________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION
SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND
CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROC UTION,
CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON
KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that
means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________________________________________
Mother's Signature & Father's
Signature
_______________________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State
Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and
it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for
processing.

DATING VERSUS MARRIAGE

2012-07-26T07:11:00.003+01:00

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

DRUNK HUSBAND|NAGGING WIFE

2012-07-17T07:21:00.001+01:00

A drunk came home very late and
sat on the Door step for thirty
minutes trying to figure out
what to tell his harsh and super
strict wife the reason for his
lateness.
He gained Courage, Opened the
Door, and found his wife and son
watching a late Night movie. He
passed them and Went Upstairs,
his heart pounding hard. To his
surprise, his wifedidn't say a
word. Just to confirm, he decided
to walk past them, and again
back to the Upstairs corridor. But
his wife Didn't say a word. He
signal his son to come. And he
asked him; How come today your
mother Isn't speaking?. or even
uttering
a word! The boy replied; she
asked Me for LIPSTICK and
Imistakingly gave her SUPER
GLUE.......

THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL ANIMALS

2012-07-13T07:04:00.003+01:00

A lion woke up one morning
feeling rowdy. He went out and
cornered a small monkey and
roared, "Who is mightiest of all
jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said,
"You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer
and bellowed, "Who is mightiest
of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered,
"Oh great lion, you are by far
the mightiest animal in the
jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up
to an elephant and roared, "Who
is mightiest of all jungle
animals?"
The elephant snatched up the
lion with his trunk, slammed
him against a tree, stomped on
him and then ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after
the elephant, "Sheesh, just
because you don't know the
answer, you don't have to get
so upset."

THE WINNER

2012-07-10T17:28:00.001+01:00

A group of scientists did a
competition to test the
intelligence of Nigerian students
in inventing things.
On the grand finalle, three
students were called form0the
crowd to come and present what
they invented.
The first student went there and
said "I'm Adeseun Tope from
Lagos, i invented a biro that can
write what people are saying on
a paper itself,he practicalised it
and he was applauded"
The next student went there and
said "i'm Ehirim Chinwe from
Imo, i invented a chip that will
tell the amount of money in the
pocket of anyone standing close
to it,he practicalised it and was
applauded".
The third student went there and
said "i'm Gambo Sani from Kano,i
invented an explosive that could
shatter the human body into a
million pieces, penetrating the
hardest of bones, can you all0sit
down while i practicalise it"
The chief scientist stood up and
said "don't bother to practicalise
it,you are the winner of this
competition"
Abeg people, who is the real
winner of the competition?

BARRAC OBAMA JOKE

2012-06-30T08:53:00.000+01:00

Barack Obama at a recent rural
elementary school assembly in
East Texas , asked the audience
for total quiet. Then, in the
silence, he started to slowly clap
his hands once every few
seconds, holding the audience in
total silence.
Then he said into the
microphone, 'Children, every
time I clap my hands together, a
child in America dies from gun
violence.'
Then, little Johnny , with a
proud East Texas drawl, pierced
the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-
ass, stop clapping!'

AWAY FOR FORTY (40) YEARS

2012-06-25T09:23:00.001+01:00

An Irishman and an American
were sitting in the bar at
Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother,"
said the Irishman. "He's due to
fly in from America in an hour's
time. It's his first trip home in
forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize
him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the
Irishman, "after all, he's been
away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize
you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the
Irishman. "Sure, I haven't been
away at all."

THE HUNTING BIRD DOG

2012-06-15T07:07:00.002+01:00

Two blondes suddenly got into
bird hunting and were eager to
try it out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is
a great and useful accessory in
bird hunting, so they decided to
go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained
birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately
went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work. No matter
how hard they tried, it just
didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated
and one of the blondes said to
her companion, "Okay, we'll give
him one more try. We'll throw
him in the air one more time
and if he doesn't fly, we're
taking him back to the store!"

ZODIAC PREDICTIONS| YOUR JOB TITLE

2012-06-14T06:57:00.003+01:00

Astrology tells us about you and
your future simply by your
birthday. The Chinese Zodiac
uses the year of your birth.
Demographics tell us what you
like, dislike, whom you vote for,
what you buy, and what you
watch on TV. Well, the Corporate
Zodiac goes a step further:
simply by your job title, people
will have you all figured out…

Marketing: You are ambitious
yet stupid. You chose a
marketing degree to avoid
having to study in college,
concentrating instead on
drinking and socializing, which
is pretty much what your job
responsibilities are now. Least
compatible with Sales.

Sales: Laziest of all signs, often
referred to as "marketing
without a degree," you are also
self-centered and paranoid.
Unless someone calls you and
begs you to take their money,
you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "
concentrate on the big picture."
You seek admiration for your
golf game throughout your life.

Technology: Unable to control
anything in your personal life,
you are instead content to
completely control everything
that happens at your workplace.
Often even YOU don’t
understand what you are
saying, but who the heck can
tell?! It is written that the geeks
shall inherit the Earth.

Engineering: One of only two
signs that actually studied in
school, it is said that ninety
percent of all personal ads are
placed by engineers. You can be
happy with yourself: your office
is typically full of all the latest
"ergodynamic" gadgets.

Accounting: The only other sign
that studied in school, you are
mostly immune from office
politics. You are the most feared
person in the organization;
combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning
you say that you are completely
insane.

Human Resources: Ironically,
given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only
other person that does less
work than marketing, you are
unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a
haircut, have lunch, and mail a
letter!

Senior Management: Catty, cut-
throat, yet completely spineless,
you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of
your life. Unable to make a
single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best
suited to marry other "Senior
Managers," as everyone in your
social circle is a "Senior
Manager."

Customer Service: Bright,
cheery, positive, you are a fifty-
cent cab ride from taking your
own life. As a child very few of
you asked your parents for a
little cubicle for your room and
a headset so you could pretend
to play "Customer Service."
Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to
date your boss.

HEIGHT OF HORNINESS

2012-06-13T07:11:00.001+01:00

Girl : I'm warning you My Mummy is coming back in half an hour..

Boy : But I'm not doing anything..

Girl : That's why I'm warning you...........Hurry up dude, do something quick before she comes!! rEAD THESE IMPORTANT INFORMATIOn

BREAD WINNER. (AN INTERVIEW WITH AKPORS

2012-06-12T10:28:00.001+01:00

Journalist: Mr. Akpors, first of all, is it true that you are the bread winner in your family.

Akpors : I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have been hearing it for some time, I know this allegation is coming from my political enemies who want to tarnish my image.
I want to tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread.

Ask them where I won that bread. If anyone saw me entering a competition to win bread, then they must provide the evidence otherwise I will start suing anyone saying I am a bread winner, yes including you reporters and your newspapers...

ENGLISH LANGUAGE HUMOUR

2012-06-07T07:11:00.001+01:00

If you can pronounce correctly
every word in this poem, you
will be speaking English better
than 90% of the native English
speakers in the world. After
trying the verses, a Frenchman
said he'd prefer six months of
hard labour to reading six lines
aloud. Try them yourself.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse,
and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow
dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and
heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and
Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's
written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and
ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak
and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and
toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and
Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails,
aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and
mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with
ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like
food,
Nor is mould like should and
would.
Viscous, viscount, load and
broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and
sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with
hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and
home.
Stranger does not rhyme with
anger,
Neither does devour with
clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand,
and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say
finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge
and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and
age.
Query does not rhyme with
very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth,
loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem
little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with
deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and
heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but
vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise,
pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos,
chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse
and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass,
bass.
Large, but target, gin, give,
verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour,
scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew
Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and
work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your
wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed,
solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with
enough,
Though, through, plough, or
dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

PICNIC

2012-06-07T06:48:00.003+01:00

There were these two blondes
driving along the highway
looking for a place to stop and
picnic.
The first blonde says, "Let's stop
here, and have our picnic under
that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it
right here in the middle of the
road."
They argued about it for a bit,
but finally agreed to have it in
the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes
speeding towards them and has
to swerve into the tree to keep
from hitting them.
The one blonde says to the
other, "See? If we were under
that tree, we'd be dead
now!"

MY WIFE DID

2012-05-29T10:05:00.000+01:00

A man with a gun goes into a
bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he
turns to a customer and asks,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the
temper, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple
standing next to him and asked
the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't,
but my wife did!"

Moral - When Opportunity
knocks... MAKE USE OF IT!

THE STRAY DOG

2012-05-27T06:54:00.000+01:00

Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

WHAT'S THE PENALTY?

2012-05-22T07:32:00.000+01:00

The head priest at a certain
church was out for the day, so
he asked the deacon to do
confession for him. The deacon
agrees, and the first person that
comes says, "Forgive me, for I
just gave a guy a blow job." He
says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on
the wall that had punishments
for certain sins on it, but blow
job was not on there, so he
went out to ask one of the altar
boys what he usually gives for a
blow job. The altar boy
answered, "Oh, about five
dollars."

PASTORAL CANDIDATES EVALUATION

2012-05-19T07:27:00.000+01:00

The following is a confidential
report on several candidates
being considered for a
pastorate.
Adam:
Good man but problems
with his wife. Also one
reference told of how his
wife and he enjoy walking
nude in the woods.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120
years with not even one
convert. Prone to unrealistic
building projects.
Abraham:
Though the references
reported wife-swapping, the
facts seem to show he never
slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share
his own wife with another
man.
Joseph:
A big thinker, but a braggart,
believes in dream-
interpreting, and has a
prison record.
Moses:
A modest and meek man,
but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times.
Sometimes blows his stack
and acts rashly. Some say he
left an earlier church over a
murder charge.
David:
The most promising leader
of all until we discovered the
affair he had with his
neighbor's wife.
Solomon:
Great preacher but our
parsonage would never hold
all those wives.
Elijah:
Prone to depression.
Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with
a single widow while at his
former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor
but our people could never
handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah:
Strong leader and seems to
be anointed, but she is
female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable,
alarmist, negative, always
lamenting things, reported
to have taken a long trip to
bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have
seen angels in church. Has
trouble with his language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call into
ministry until he was forced
to obey by getting
swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore
near here. We hung up.
Amos:
Too backward and
unpolished. With some
seminary training he might
have promise, but has a
hang-up against wealthy
people--might fit in better in
a poor congregation.
Melchizedek:
Great credentials at current
work place, but where does
this guy come from? No
information on his resume
about former work records.
Every line about parents was
left blank and he refused to
supply a birth date. (This
aside from Les: Ancient
Jewish tradition has it that
Melchizedek is really Shem. If
you check out the lifespan of
Shem in the Bible, it seems
to be true!)
John:
Says he is a Baptist, but
definitely doesn't dress like
one. Has slept in the
outdoors for months on end,
has a weird diet, and
provokes denominational
leaders.
Peter:
Too blue collar. Has a bad
temper-even has been
known to curse. Had a big
run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose
cannon.
Paul:
Powerful CEO type leader
and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact,
unforgiving with younger
ministers, harsh and has
been known to preach all
night.
James & John:
Package deal preacher &
associate seemed good at
first, but found out they
have an ego problem
regarding other fellow
workers and seating
positions. Threatened an
entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to
discourage workers who
didn't follow along with
them.
Timothy:
Too young!
Methuselah:
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus:
Has had popular times, but
once his church grew to
5000 he managed to offend
them all, and then this
church dwindled down to
twelve people. Seldom stays
in one place very long. And,
of course, he's single.
Judas:
His references are solid. A
steady plodder.
Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting
him to preach this Sunday.
Possibilities here.

All credit to Jim Huggins