IT IS A J0KE

FAMILY PROBLEMS

2012-03-06T07:07:00.004+01:00

Two men, one American and
an Indian were sitting in a
bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the
American, "You know my
parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called
homely girl from a village
whom I haven't even met
once."
We call this arranged
marriage.
... I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I
told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of
family problems."
The American said, talking
about love marriages... well…
I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I
deeply loved and dated for 3
years.
"After a couple of years, my
father fell in love with my
step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law
and I became my father's
father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is
my mother and my wife my
grandmother.
More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is
my father's brother and
so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse
when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my
brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my
own grand father and I am
my own grandson…..
And you are saying that you
have family
problems……..Oh.. Come
on…..!!!!!!

THREE WISHES

2012-03-05T10:14:00.004+01:00

A fairy saw a lion chasing a
rabbit in the forest.
She asked both to stop,"I
will grant you both 3 wishes."
1st wish
Lion - all the lion in this forest,
except me, be female.
Rabbit wished for a helmet.

The Lion thought the rabbit was stupid and wasting his wish.

2nd wish
lion- I wish all the lion in next
forest be female.
The Rabbit asked for a bike.

The Lion was shocked again.

3rd wish
lion- all the lion in world be
female except me.

The rabbit grinned, started
his bike n said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Make this lion GAY

YOU NEED TO FOCUS

2012-03-04T06:28:00.004+01:00

Teacher: John, who is the
President of Iraq?
John: I don't know.
Teacher: You need to focus
more on your studies.
John: Yes Ma.
Then John to the Teacher:
John: Madam, do you know
Rita?
Teacher: No I don't.
John: Ma, I think you need to
focus more on your
husband!!....

APPLICATION LETTER

2012-03-01T08:55:00.001+01:00

This is an actual job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food
establishment in Florida... and
they hired him because he was
so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for
the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's
President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a
year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for
middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30
p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL
SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate
environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR
CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL
CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing house
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no,
on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb beautiful blonde
super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE
ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

THE OTHER ONE IN THE MIRROR

2012-02-28T09:59:00.003+01:00

One day, a man comes home
from work and greets his wife.
Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror,
holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious"
remark, he sits back and the
incident was forgotten.
...
The next day, he comes
home and greets his wife.
When he goes to the dining
room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife
where she got the money.
She leads him to the same
mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that p**** in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."

2012-02-28T09:55:00.001+01:00

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL

2012-02-27T08:35:00.003+01:00

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His d*** is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"

DON'T WORRY

2012-02-26T06:57:00.004+01:00

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after after class one day, she asked,
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "Don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy replied reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

CURED OF MADNESS

2012-02-24T07:39:00.003+01:00

A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his patients have been cured of madness, so he assembled them in a classroom and drew a big door on the blackboard. He told the class that̴̶̲̣̣̣̥̩̩̩̥̲̥̅̊ ̲̅if anyone can open ddoor on the board, that person will receive a gift of N20,000 and will be free to go home. On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to open the door, except one young man who remained in his seat at the back smiling. The psychiatrist, with joy and excitement on his face seeing Dα̲̅ƭ somebody has been cured of madness, went to himand asked, why didn't you join your mates to open d door? The young man replied, don't mind those mad people, they are just fooling themselves, they don't know that I have the key with me in my pocket.

THE BLIND CUSTOMER

2012-02-22T09:27:00.003+01:00

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

THE LEAFLET

2012-02-20T07:09:00.003+01:00

I got a leaflet posted through my door this morning, it said, "ARE YOU ALCOHOLIC ? CALL THIS NUMBER NOW, WE CAN HELP!" So i gave them a call. It was the local damn liquor store and they gave me the best deal buy 5 get 2 free........ :p X_X

THIRTEEN

2012-02-17T09:59:00.001+01:00

A young man was strolling
down a street. As he passed a
large building with a fence
around it, he heard a group of
people chanting "Thirteen,
thirteen, thirteen" over and over
again.
Curious, he tried to see over the
fence, but couldn't. Then he
spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He
just managed to spy some old
people sitting in deckchairs
chanting, before a finger came
out of nowhere and poked him
in the eye. As he staggered back,
the old people started chanting,
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

AT A BAR

2012-02-16T07:11:00.001+01:00

A very shy guy goes into a pub
on Valentine's Day night and
sees a beautiful woman sitting
alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now
staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him
and says, "I'm really sorry if I
embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay
$200!"

NELSON MANDELLA

2012-02-15T07:15:00.003+01:00

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

TV VERSUS MOBILE PHONES

2012-02-14T07:08:00.001+01:00

Wife is like a TV
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE :O
At home you watch TV,
but when you go out you take
your MOBILE =)]
No money, you keep your old TV,
got money, you change your
MOBILE =D
Sometimes you enjoy TV,
but most of the time you play
with your MOBILE *...* ♥♥
TV is free for life,
but for the MOBILE, if you
don't pay, services will be
terminated >:/
TV is big and bulky,
MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy
and very portable ♥♥ ;;)
Operational costs for TV is
minimal, but for the MOBILE it is
often high and demanding #:-s
X_X
Most importantly, MOBILE is a
two-way communication (you
talk and listen),
but in most cases with the TV
you MUST only listen (whether
you want to or not) :p :&
Last but not least!
TVs don't have viruses,
but MOBILEs often do ;)
Be careful o... Happy valentine

Some facts and useful advices

2012-02-13T10:02:00.004+01:00

Here are some facts and useful advices for you

Advice...

Always forgive your enemies
-Nothing annoys them so much.

If you can not see the bright
side of life, polish the dull side.

Take naps regularly, regular naps prevent old age,
especially if you take them while
driving.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to
come.

Facts...

There are three sides to any
argument: your side, my side
and the right side.

When you are right, no one
remembers. When you’re
wrong, no one forgets.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

You are so useless like "AY" in the word "OKAY"!!!

2012-02-13T09:58:00.001+01:00

USE YOUR NUMBER 6 IN 6 WAYS

2012-02-11T04:11:00.001+01:00

A young boy met a very rich business man and asked him"sir, what is the secret of your success?" and he replied, "boy, you have to use your number 6 in 6 ways". The boy was so surprised and asked him "sir, how in 6ways?" he further replied "I only do business 6 times in a year,
1. I sell bags of rice during d xmas season,
2. I sell children clothes duringchildren's day celebration,
3. I sell poultry during the easter celebration period,
4. I sell condoms on valetine day,
5. I sell indian hemp on Bob marley's rememberance day. So, you see why i am successful?" the boy asked "sir, you did not tell me the 6th" he then smiled and said "
6. I go on VACATION" the boy asked "VACATION? To where?" The man replied " yes I normally on vacation go to jail".

5 DOLLARS PER BOTTLE

2012-02-10T11:37:00.003+01:00

An old woman is going up in a
lift in a very lavish department
store when a young, beautiful
woman gets in, smelling of
expensive scent. She turns to the
old woman and says arrogantly:
'Romance by Ralph Lauren,
$3000 a bottle.'
Then another young woman gets
in the lift, She also turns to the
old woman and says snootily:
chanel No 5, $2550 a bottle.'
A few floors later, the old
woman has reached her
destination. As she gets out, she
looks both woman in the eye,
then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'Locally made, $5 a bottle .'

COMPLAINTS

2012-02-09T09:15:00.003+01:00

A man was carrying two babies,
one in each arm, while waiting
for a train. A woman upon seeing
those two cute babies asked the
man, "Aren't they cute, what are
their names?" The man giving
the lady an angry look replied, "I
don't know." The lady then
asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than
before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold
the man, "What kind of a father
are you?". The man replied, "I am
not their father, I am just a
condom salesman and these are
the two complaints that I am
taking back to my company.

LARRY'S BAR

2012-02-08T08:05:00.003+01:00

A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, She sleeps with anybody
who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a
deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is
Larry's bar?"

KILL TO ESCAPE

2012-02-06T08:14:00.003+01:00

Two mad men in a psychiatric
hospital escaped out of their
wards. They knew the guards at
the gate won't allow them to
escape out out of the hospital,
so, both of them decided that
they'll kill the guards and run out
of the hospital, so they headed
for the gate with a knife each.
When they got to the gate, the
guards were not there and the
gates were not locked. One of
the guys said to the other: shit!
Where are these stupid guards
for God's sake?
The second guy replied him:
I'm sure they've gone to eat,
Let's hide there, we'll kill them
and run out as soon as they
show up.

SAILING WITH THE DEVIL

2012-02-04T09:11:00.003+01:00

On a ship, an American, a British
and a Nigerian were sailing. The
Devil appeared and said "drop
something in the sea, if I find it
I'll eat you but if I can't, then I'll
be your slave. The American
dropped a diamond, the devil
found it and ate him. The British
dropped a small platinum piece,
the devil found it and ate him
too. The Nigerian opened a bottle
of water, emptied it in the sea
and said "today na today! Find
am, I dey wait".

THE BLOOD DONATION

2012-02-03T09:21:00.003+01:00

A guy donated blood to his
girlfriend while she was terribly
sick and urgently needed blood.
A few months later, view broke
up. The guy then went to the girl
and ask for his blood back. The
girl threw him her menstrual pad
and said I'll pay in monthly
instalments.

GRANDMA IS DEAD

2012-02-02T10:15:00.003+01:00

Son: mum I thought grandma is dead?

Mum: thunder fire you! It's your own mama go die first