Dating

Are relationships healthy?

2012-06-16T18:52:00.002-07:00

Some relationships can be extremely healthy, such as those between devoted spouses or those between loving parents and their children. These relationships provide stability, security, an opportunity for growth both for individuals and as a couple or a family unit. The traditional family has been the basic building block of every successful society in recorded history.

Recently, the term "relationship" has taken on a different meaning. It has come to refer to two people, dating each other exclusively, in a sexual relationship, and quite likely living together and sharing all aspects of they lives. These relationships may or may not produce children.

These latter types of relationships are decidedly unhealthy. They endanger every aspect of the health and well-being of the participants.

In this article, I'll discuss only the physical, emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for each partner. There are more considerations which could easily be discussed, along with negative effects on the children, but these four should be sufficient to prove my point.

The physical health of partners in a relationships is endangered, and the more relationships, the greater the danger. Sooner or later, one of the participants will meet up with new partner who has an undiagnosed STD. Too much "togetherness" can definitely have a negative effect on health.

It takes six months to get a reliable result from an AIDS test. How many young people are willing to wait that long before engaging in dangerous behaviour with their partner? In my experience, there are not too many. The AIDS virus is much more perilous than the common cold. You cannot exercise too much caution in seeking to avoid it.

Relationships are usually transitory. If this were not understood, the couple would marry or at least become engaged. While living with uncertainty, emotional health is bound to suffer. How can one party truly express his or her feelings when they know the other can leave at a moment's notice? Many times anger, hurt, and other negative emotions are repressed. Lack of communication between a couple is always unhealthy.

When the inevitable explosion occurs, it will probably encompass every grievance since the acquaintanceship began and may well signal the end of the partnership.

In a relationship, there is continual pressure on both parties to be polite, pleasant well-groomed, fun and accommodating. Unfortunately, human nature doesn't work than way. Everyone needs downtime. Trying to keep up an attractive front 24/7 produces serious stress, definitely harmful to one's emotional health. Notice how many people in relationships are chain smokers, or have eating issues. They are seldom at peace.

In danger as well is the spiritual wellbeing of the partners in the relationship. Most adults who grew up in intact families realize that this is the best way to live and the best environment in which to raise children.

Often the partners may rush into a relationship on impulse, only to regret it soon afterward. Staying in a relationship through boredom, through fear of being alone, or because one lacks the courage to leave, cannot fail to disturb a healthy conscience.

Financial security as well, will evade partners in a relationship. In most jurisdictions, "common-law" spouses are each entitled to half the joint property when the partnership dissolves. A person who has participated in a series of relationships with sharp and acquisitive partners will be lucky indeed to end up as financially healthy as he was before he started on the marathon.

Those anxious to preserve their physical, emotional, spiritual and financial health will not even consider entering into a "relationship" in the contemporary sense of the word. Often new inventions, new knowledge and new customs enhance the welfare of the human family. However, this is one new practice which will do those who choose to participate in it, nothing but harm.

How to cope with unwanted advances

2012-06-12T19:45:00.004-07:00

No one likes to be bothered or harassed. When it occurs because of something over which one has little control, such as gender, appearance, or a friendly personality, it can be very frustrating. Women are generally the victims of this type of treatment. Most men can be gruff and insultingly direct enough to discourage the most aggressive female.

In North America, sexual harassment, stalking, and related behaviors are illegal. However, before calling in the law, here are some less extreme strategies you may wish to try:

*If it's a one-time annoyance, such as catcalls, whistles or jibes when you pass a construction site, the best plan is to ignore the bad manners and proceed on your way. It may be wise to use an alternate route until the work crew has moved on to the next job.

* If it's a co-worker who steps out of line and you like your job, you need to discourage him without creating animosity. You still need to interact with him, maybe on a daily basis, so try to nip the problem in the bud. Say "No", or "Not interested", politely but firmly. Don't be rude, but make it plain that his advances are inappropriate and unwelcome.

* If, in spite of your discouraging words, the harassment continues, tell the offender bluntly and assertively that you are not attracted to him, that the advances make you uncomfortable and that you want them to stop. Mention your husband or boyfriend often, (even if you have to invent one) who has a black belt in karate and is extremely jealous.

* If you still have a problem, try being disagreeable. If he insists on waylaying you, or hanging around your work area, treat him like a servant. Ask him to get you coffee, empty your wastepaper basket, sweep up around your desk, refill your stapler, or run a memo over to another department. Address him in a sharp, bossy voice and the more numerous and demeaning the tasks you assign him, the better.

* Under no circumstances allow yourself to be in a situation where you will be alone with him. It is often difficult to distinguish between someone who is just a nuisance, and someone who is mentally ill and potentially dangerous.

* No matter whether the aggressor is a co-worker, acquaintance, friend, or neighbor, as soon as you realize there is problem, start a written record or all incidents, encounters, and verbal exchanges between the two of you. It will be convincing evidence later if you need to take the matter to a higher authority.

* If the unpleasantness continues and you are becoming increasing nervous, take your journal to your supervisor, the Human Resources Department at work, your lawyer or the police and enlist their help. Don't wait too long. It's better to be safe than sorry.

In a perfect world, every parent would teach their little boy to respect women and to treat them with courtesy and consideration. Unfortunately, not every parent is responsible and some young men choose not to follow parental directives.

None of this is your fault. Your first concern is to safeguard your own well-being and safety. If his delayed lessons on good manners prove embarrassing or painful for the one harassing you, he has no one to blame but himself.

Remembering that first kiss

2012-06-10T12:02:00.002-07:00

It was 7:20 P.M. on a warm summer Sunday evening in 1955. Frances, Shirley and I stared at several stacks of greasy, gummy, gooey dinner dishes ready to be plunged into the sink full of soapy water. The band concert started at 8:30. We'd never finish this job, get dressed and out in time.

My friends' parents ran a small but elegant retirement home in the downtown area near the park. They expected the girls to do their share of the household duties, including the dinner dishes. Frances, Shirley and I had been friends since early childhood, so, on Sundays, I always showed up early at their house to help with the mountain of dishes. With luck, we would be free to leave the house a little earlier.

The band concert at Montebello Park was the social highlight of our week. We never missed a Sunday evening, but we seldom arrived on time. That was OK, because it didn't get dark until about 9:30 anyway. Anything romantic that might occur wouldn't happen until after dark. For seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls, as we were at that time, the possibility of romance was the main attraction of those summer evenings.

Of course, we also loved the mellow tones of the show tunes, the marches, and the polkas as the music drifted from the bandstand out through the soft evening air. We loved walking through the dark, fragrant rose garden, strolling across the grassy areas, past families on blankets and older folks in deck chairs. We'd sit for awhile at a picnic table under the trees, then emerge again into a lighted area, where street lights and the moon illuminated the audience of adults, children and teens.

We'd talk, and we'd giggle and watch the groups of young men, usually the same ones every week, as they walked around watching us. Shirley had one particular young friend with whom she'd sometimes pair off for a couple of circuits. Frances and I would trail behind, pretending not to notice.

One particular evening, Frances began to a conversation with a a teen she knew who was accompanied by a young sailor, at least he had on a military uniform. He could have just been a weekend cadet; neither of us would have known the difference. The sailor was introduced only as "Darky". He said he was staying at the Y.M.C.A. and would be shipping out the next day. Inevitably, Frances and her friend stopped to watch the moon, and were soon walking behind us, quite far behind.

"Shipping out!" How mature and potentially dangerous that sounded! This guy could be on his way to a war zone. He mightbe shot...killed...blown to bits. He might never come back, and I might be the last girl he'd ever talk to. As we strolled through the rose garden, I received my first kiss from Darky. Of course, I had to do my patriotic duty and kiss him back. Well, didn't I? Of course I did.

At the end of the evening we met the other girls at the bandstand. The boys left. Darky had to get his rest before he shipped out the next day. Frances and Shirley accompanied me home, then they walked home together. None of us were allowed to be out alone after dark.

We just happened to go by the Y the next day. We were going to wish Darky "Bon Voyage", before he shipped out. The man at the reception desk had never heard of him, and didn't remember any sailors staying there recently. I guess in retrospect, you might say that Darky and I had passed like two ships in the night.

Do I regret the circumstances of my first kiss? Not at all. My friends were near, it was a romantic and slightly mysterious everning, and since Darky never resurfaced, it won't come back to haunt me. Besides, I still like to think I acted in a very patriotic manner.

I understand the band concerts are still taking place on Sunday evenings in summer in Montebello Park, but I haven't been back for quite a few years. There are some special occasions that you just know can never be recaptured. It's wise to not even try.

Beware the impulsive personality

2012-05-18T13:09:00.002-07:00

Most of us occasionally act on impulse and usually live to regret it. A person with an impulsive personality acts on impulse continually. It will land him or her in some pretty dreadful situations, and if you associate closely with someone with this personality disorder, you will soon be up to your neck in trouble right along with them.

At first, these people may seem like appealing friends. There is nothing boring about them; they live a free and spontaneous lifestyle. They are always doing something new and different. However it's only a matter of time until their impulsiveness leads them into trouble, and anyone with them will share their problems.

Here's how to recognize someone with this personality disorder:

* They are extremely nervous and fidgety. They have difficulty keeping arms, hands, legs and feet still.

* They are easily frustrated.

* They do not consider the past or the future; for the impulsive person there is only now.

* They do not think of the possible consequences of a comment or an action. They indulge in risky behaviors because it seems like fun at the moment.

* They are extremely blunt. They blurt out whatever pops into their head. They are incapable of being tactful, and they frequently "put their foot in their mouths".

* They interrupt conversations and finish other people's sentences, because they have a problem with taking turns.

* They want things immediately. They will run up huge credit card bills rather than wait until they can afford something.

* They will have a poor work record, because they will quit their job if anyone offends them in the slightest way.

* They have a tendency to engage in risky behaviors: drug and/or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, illicit sex, or problem gambling.

* When driving, they have a tendency to speed, run red lights, and are prone to traffic accidents.

* When shopping, they will hurry around the store, grabbing everything which takes their eye, then they may leave the whole works in a grocery cart in the check-out line, rather than wait in the line-up.

* They seldom finish a project, because they become distracted and rush off to do something else before it is completed.

* They have a tendency to brag, lie and make extreme promises they have no way of keeping.

If you are acquainted with someone with an impulsive personality, the most helpful thing you can do is to persuade them to get into therapy. Impulsiveness can be controlled. A qualified psychologist can lead the person to recognize and acknowledge the disorder, and then suggest methods of modifying the behavior so he can lead a normal and fulfilling life.

If you want to be a friend, offer support and encouragement while he is in treatment, but don't become too involved in mutual projects or activities until you're sure he's on the road to recovery.

Know anyone by studying their handwriting

2012-05-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

Graphology is the study of a person's handwriting in order to discern characteristics, personality, and areas of ability. It is currently being used for vocational guidance to help students choose suitable careers, in personnel selection for business firms and banks, and to discern whether men and women are suitable marriage partners. Here are some fundamental features graphologists use to analyse of a sample of handwriting:

Pen Pressure

This indicates a person's vitality. Heavy pressure shows a robust, athletic individual; the pen marks will be visible on the reverse side of the paper. A light pen pressure will be noted in those who are delicate, supersensitive, inclined to be spiritual, and also in those who are unhealthy. Medium pressure has no special significance.

Slant

Rightward-flowing handwriting indicates an outgoing, extroverted person, one who leans toward people. An extreme right slant indicates someone with dramatic ability, an actor, a salesperson, a talk show host, but beware those artistic temper tantrums! Leftward slants indicate reserve, withdrawal with extreme slants showing antisocial tendencies. Someone whose handwriting is vertical is not influenced by emotions, his intellect is in total control.

Size

Large writing, unless there is a vision problem, often gives a clue to exhibitionism. Most people use a normal-size script. The smaller the writing, the better the powers of concentration. Microscopic writing belongs to the hermit, the introvert or a specialist in some field who examines every minute detail very carefully.

Basic Line

Lines that run uphill shows the writer is optimistic, cheerful, and well-rested. Lines that run downhill mean he is tired, depressed, sick, lacking in vitality, and may express self-doubt.

Margins and Spacing

The width or narrowness of margins and the space between words and letters indicate the width or narrowness of the writer's mind. Someone with wide spaces between letters and words is a clear-thinker who tends to be extravagant. Narrowness of margins and between words indicates a muddled thinker who tends to be economical. It the writing is poorly spaced in every respect, you are probably dealing with a mentally or emotionally disturbed person.

Zones

Divide the writing into three zones. The upper zone (loops) symbolize the person's principles, standards, ideals and spiritual life. The middle zone refers to reality and tells how he deals with practical problems. The lower zone gives clues to his physical demands, sexual potency, materialism and primitive impulses. The three zones should be in balance. If one is more emphasized than the others, you'll know where his priorities lie.

Capital Letters (Upper Case Letters)

The larger the capitals, the greater the pride. If they are also ornate and do not fit well with the overall style of the script, the writer likes fancy things which may not always be in good taste. Small capitals reveal modesty, self-effacement and often humility. Angular capitals tell us the person is somewhat rigid. Printed capitals show constructive ability.

Small Letters (Lower Case Letters)

A rounded garland-like look in handwriting tells us the person is pliable, gentle and often childlike. Angular writing shows mental development, but the very angular writer is an unyielding, humourless, exacting person. When the bottom of the letters are rounded, but the tops are sharp and angular, the mind of the person is keen, while his nature is gentle and tractable.

I have only been able to scratch the surface of this fascinating topic here. There are many books available at the library, or in good book stores which help you discover the significance of different types of t-bars, and i-dots. The formation of every capital, and small letter has a story to tell. Every space in a sample of handwriting means something.

Whether you're seeking to know yourself better, or find out about someone else, I have found this method to be very accurate. As with any skill, the more you practice and study, the better you become. When you are able to study the handwriting sample of someone with whom you must interact, whether it be an employer, a new date, a neighbor or a client, that person will no longer an unknown quantity.

"...and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." John 8: 32

Factors that influence physical attraction

2012-05-18T12:28:00.001-07:00

Are you on the lookout for a beautiful Cinderella or a handsome Prince Charming with whom to live happily ever after? Here's how to make a splendid first impression.

Physical attractiveness is usually the primary element which draws the attention of others. Before anything is known about character, personality, background or lifestyle, the outward appearance of an individual is the initial factor on which a stranger will base his or her initial judgement.

Males are more influenced by physical appearance than females. Men prefer women who are shorter than they are, who have a youthful appearance, flowing hair, a symmetrical face, full breasts and lips, and an attractive figure with a low waist-hip ratio. An erect posture, soft skin and long legs are additional assets.

Facial features are also important. Women who have small chins and noses and large, expressive eyes are considered "cute", and evoke an innate, masculine inclination to look after or care for these apparently childlike creatures.

If he is close enough to hear her conversation, he will be attracted by soft, melodious vocal tones. Loud, raspy, female voices are a definite turn-off, especially if her remarks are peppered with slang, and off-color words and phrases.

What physical features do females find attractive in men? Women prefer men to be taller than they are, with symmetrical, manly, facial features and a V-shaped torso: broad shoulders and a relatively narrow waist.

However, physical characteristics are usually of secondary importance when women are assessing the attractiveness of men. They realize that the best-looking males are likely to be conceited, self-absorbed and very high-maintenance.

Females tend to be attracted by more subtle qualities. They like a pleasant personality, an upright character, a natural, masculine appearance, self-confidence, and a sense of humor. They also find men who have a steady job and who like children very appealing.

A soft, gentle, deep voice is a definite asset when a female is assessing a man. Harsh tones hint at a bullying personality. Use of profanity or crude language is an indication of lack of culture. She would not be proud to introduce such an individual to her friends and family.

Attractive features tend to vary according to culture and time periods. In ancient China, small feet on females were considered symbols of great beauty. Consequently, the feet of young girls were bound so tightly that it caused great pain and frequently resulted in deformity.

In some cultures, obesity is considered beautiful. In Mauritania, young girls are force-fed because the people there believe that excess poundage indicates health, wealth and privilege.

Painters in the Renaissance Period, such as Peter Paul Reubens (1577-1640), depicted attractive women as very large and voluptuous.

In most cultures in the past, those with lighter skin tone were considered most attractive. In North America and Western Europe this changed for a period of time and a good suntan became a sign of health and beauty. Now that we know too much exposure to the sun causes skin cancer, the preference once again is for a pale countenance.

Worthwhile advice for both genders: do not place great value on physical appearances. Beauty and handsomeness fade with time. Take the time and the trouble to look deeper. Kindness, intelligence, dependability, and a sense of humor are qualities which endure.

Those who pursue and wed a beautiful Cinderella or a handsome Prince Charming may soon awake to find that they are shackled to a haranguing, wicked witch or an abusive, cruel villain, and there is no possible way that they will ever live happily ever after.

Accept people for who they are

2012-05-14T08:56:00.002-07:00

"He's a pretty good guy, " said the prospective young bride. "After we're married a while, he'll be just about perfect!" The foolish young lady was setting herself up to be disillusioned. She was planning to change her mate. You can never change anyone's basic qualities. You can only try to adapt to them.

People come into our lives with pre-programmed characters. They are a mixture of their genetic inheritance, their upbringing, and their experiences in life thus far. Some folks you will like immediately, and wish to include in your circle of friends.

Others you will find repulsive. You will not be able to leave their company quickly enough.

Most people you meet initially fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. They are pleasant enough at first. As you become better acquainted, you will mentally move them toward one end of the scale or the other.

THE GOOD

Most people seem nice when you first meet them. As the acquaintance progresses, you'll notice faults and imperfections; after all, none of us are perfect.

Perhaps the faults are minor: he talks too much, she tends to be lazy or he watches too many sport programs on television. The bad features may be counterbalanced with qualities you really admire: he gets along well with your family, she loves to cook and is an excellent chef, he can fix anything mechanical without turning a hair.

The secret to making a friendship or a relationship successful is to accept the whole person, faults and attributes alike. Don't waste time and energy trying to change basic personality traits ; it's a mission doomed to failure. If you want to continue the association, accept the person as they are and try to adjust your behaviour accordingly.

THE BAD

There are others whom you have to accept as they are, as much as you hate to do so, because they may have some very appealing qualities. He may be the handsomest guy you've ever met, but he's married with six kids. Accept it and move on.

She may be great company and popular with your friends, but you know she's a confirmed alcoholic with no desire to quit drinking. There's no future here for you. Accept her as she is, and move on.

He may be good-looking, generous and romantic. However, he's awaiting a court date to be tried for armed robbery for the sixth time. Do not plan on changing him. Do not try to adapt. Use the common sense the good Lord gave you and run, don't walk away from the situation .

Accepting people for who they are mitigates much of the conflict and frustration in life. The prospective young bride should be deliberating on her future in this way: "This is how my intended has evolved to this point in his life. Can I live with him just as he is, faults and all, and be happy?

If she enters the marriage with a realistic outlook, and directs her efforts to adapting to her spouse's personality, and maximizing areas of mutual agreement and compatibility, there is a much better chance they'll be together, happily celebrating their first anniversary at this time next year.

Verbal Abuse

2012-05-12T11:41:00.000-07:00

:
Words can be
Weapons, sharp, acid-tipped,
Striking precisely, penetrating deep
Into an anguished heart already scarred
By many former, similar attacks.
Emotional scars, more lasting and disabling
Than any physical, which in time will heal.
Will these then be the weapons
Which strike the final blow
To fossilize forever a ragged, ravaged heart?
Mechanically functional, but sensibly numb
It will feel pain no more,
Nor love.

Ten men a girl should not marry

2012-05-05T18:28:00.001-07:00

After many years of observation of assorted couplings among friends, neighbours and relatives, I feel somewhat qualified to offer a practical guide to ladies of marriageable age. Girls, beware of the following types:

1.The Buffer: he spends more time on his appearance than you do on yours! He is so in love with himself, he has little room in his heart for you, let alone children if they should make an appearance.

2.Mama's Boy: when Mom sighs, he runs to her side. He may still live at home, and you will probably end up with him and Mama in your home, should you decide to marry him.

3.The Animal Hater: unless there is a medical reason, such as severe allergies, beware of this character. If he is mean to helpless pets, he is unlikely to be kind and thoughtful when dealing with a spouse, once the initial glow of infatuation has faded.

4. The Miser: he counts change twice. A big date is apt to consist of a burger and a stroll in the park. Unless you wish to shop at Thrift Stores and eat hot dogs for the rest of your life, run like the wind in the opposite direction!

5.The Flirt: he'll say it's harmless, when he flirts with other girls in your presence. He's only being friendly. That nagging sense of unease you feel is your subconscious warning you of danger. Leave him to his games until he grows up.

6. The Controller: wants to know where you are, what you're doing and with whom every minute. He'll be jealous but will say it's only because he loves you so much. Unless you're ready for a heavy-duty collar and leash, move on!

7. The Sphinx: communication is an essential element of a successful marriage. If he refuses to discuss important issues, and pouts for extended periods, leave him a "Dear John" note during the next silent spell.

8.The Fugitive from an Anger Management Class: no one wants to spend their married life contending with temper tantrums from children AND their father. Leave while the going's good!

9.The Sports Nut: he must watch every game of every sport played, every month of the year, either attending in person or watching on T.V. If you finally get fed up and leave, he may never notice until it's time for his next meal.

10.The Mysterious Stranger: he comes from a different culture, is elegant and intriguing. Take your time and get to know him well.Preparing chocolate-covered grasshoppers for his lunch when you're pregnant will not be fun.

However, if you're really and truly in love with one of these of types, none of these conditions is incurable. Run, don't walk to the nearest qualified couples' counselor and get to work. Just be sure to do it before marriage rather than after. The old saying, "Marry in haste, repent at leisure," still holds true.

In and Out

2012-05-05T17:20:00.001-07:00

Fillings in teeth,

Children in bed,

In is a glad place to be,

Dog's in his dog house,

The ball's in the net,

Who knows how many fish in the sea?

Out in the cold,

Out of the loop,

Out is a sad place to be,

Right out of his mind,

Out of condition,

Why take out your anger on me?

In on the news,

An in-depth report,

In is a great place to be,

In tune with your friends,

In step with the dance,

In rhythm with your destiny.

Out on a limb,

Out of his depth,

Out is a grim place to be,

To be out of order,

Or just out of line,

Will put Joe out of sorts, naturally.

Don't ever think that you're not in my life,

Since you walked out and hurried away,

I have so many memories entrenched in my heart,

Out they come, in you step, every day.

Memories of that first kiss

2012-05-05T12:45:00.001-07:00

It was 7:20 P.M. on a warm summer Sunday evening in 1955. Frances, Shirley and I stared at several stacks of greasy, gummy, gooey dinner dishes ready to be plunged into the sink full of soapy water. The band concert started at 8:30. We'd never finish this job, get dressed and out in time.

My friends' parents ran a small but elegant retirement home in the downtown area near the park. They expected the girls to do their share of the household duties, including the dinner dishes. Frances, Shirley and I had been friends since early childhood, so, on Sundays, I always showed up early at their house to help with the mountain of dishes. With luck, we would be free to leave the house a little earlier.

The band concert at Montebello Park was the social highlight of our week. We never missed a Sunday evening, but we seldom arrived on time. That was OK, because it didn't get dark until about 9:30 anyway. Anything romantic that might occur wouldn't happen until after dark. For seventeen and eighteen-year-old girls, as we were at that time, the possibility of romance was the main attraction of those summer evenings.

Of course, we also loved the mellow tones of the show tunes, the marches, and the polkas as the music drifted from the bandstand out through the soft evening air. We loved walking through the dark, fragrant rose garden, strolling across the grassy areas, past families on blankets and older folks in deck chairs. We'd sit for awhile at a picnic table under the trees, then emerge again into a lighted area, where street lights and the moon illuminated the audience of adults, children and teens.

We'd talk, and we'd giggle and watch the groups of young men, usually the same ones every week, as they walked around watching us. Shirley had one particular young friend with whom she'd sometimes pair off for a couple of circuits. Frances and I would trail behind, pretending not to notice.

One particular evening, Frances began to a conversation with a a teen she knew who was accompanied by a young sailor, at least he had on a military uniform. He could have just been a weekend cadet; neither of us would have known the difference. The sailor was introduced only as "Darky". He said he was staying at the Y.M.C.A. and would be shipping out the next day. Inevitably, Frances and her friend stopped to watch the moon, and were soon walking behind us, quite far behind.

"Shipping out!" How mature and potentially dangerous that sounded! This guy could be on his way to a war zone. He might be shot...killed...blown to bits. He might never come back, and I might be the last girl he'd ever talk to. As we strolled through the rose garden, I received my first kiss from Darky. Of course, I had to do my patriotic duty and kiss him back. Well, didn't I? Of course I did.

At the end of the evening we met the other girls at the bandstand. The boys left. Darky had to get his rest before shipping out the next day. Frances and Shirley accompanied me home, then they walked home together. None of us were allowed to be out alone after dark.

We just happened to go by the Y the next day. We were going to wish Darky "Bon Voyage", before he shipped out. The man at the reception desk had never heard of him, and didn't remember any sailors staying there recently. I guess in retrospect, you might say that Darky and I had passed like two ships in the night.

Do I regret the circumstances of my first kiss? Not at all. My friends were near, it was romantic and slightly mysterious everning, and since Darky never resurfaced, it never came back to haunt me. Besides, I still like to think I acted in a very patriotic manner.

I understand the band concerts are still taking place on Sunday evenings in summer in Montebello Park, but I haven't been back for quite a few years. There are some special occasions that you just know can never be recaptured. It's wise to not even try.

Who should pay for the Valentine's Day dinner?

2012-05-05T11:12:00.001-07:00

It's Valentine's Day, and this year, you believe you have a special reason to celebrate. You've recently met an attractive gentleman who seems to have definite potential as a future mate. He called on the weekend and asked you to join him for dinner on the fourteenth, because he felt that you two should spend time in each other's company on this special day. You arrange to meet him after work at an upscale restaurant downtown.

Because you're happy and excited at the thought of the romantic dinner and evening ahead, you take the afternoon off. You get you hair and nails done, and visit a small boutique where you seldom shop, because the prices are out of sight. You splurge on a simple, yet elegant little red dress because, after all, this is an important occasion. It could turn out to be that fabled first day of the rest of your life.

He is waiting at the door of the restaurant at the appointed time, looking as if he just stepped off the shiny pages of a fashion magazine. The waiter greets him by name and leads the way to your table. The admiring glances from your fellow diners reassure you that you are one-half of a very handsome couple. You feel, at that moment, like the luckiest girl in the world.

After you're seated, your escort orders a bottle of wine, and suggests one of the pricier items on the menu. When you object because of the cost, he reminds you that it is, after all, a special day, you both work hard, and you deserve to celebrate now and then. The meal and conversation proceed and you, in a rosy haze, know instinctively that this will be a night to remember. After dessert and coffee, he summons the waiter.

"That will be separate checks please, Philippe," he says, smiling across the table at you.

How to react? Panic might be your first inner response, if you hadn't brought sufficient cash, or a credit card. You would then be in the embarrassing position of having to request a loan from the cheapskate. If you had sufficient foresight to bring along enough mad money, then anger and disillusionment would be understandable emotions. In either case, it would probably be the end of what might have been a beautiful relationship.

Most women like to be pampered, to feel cherished and special. If you're short of cash, however, they can be very understanding. A quick bite at a fast food restaurant followed by videos you've rented, to be watched at home, on the sofa, with the lights dimmed, would be perceived as a lovely, romantic evening. Just be honest about your circumstances. Your attitude and actions should declare, "I don't have much at present, but what I have, I want to share with you. Nothing else matters very much, as long as we're together. I'll always take care of you as well as I am able."

Most women would consider themselves lucky to be gifted with that kind of devotion. On Valentine's Day especially, if you wish the relationship to bloom and grow, the man should always pay. No matter how frugal or elaborate the celebration, it should be " Gentleman's Treat".

Gifts your girlfriend doesn't want

2012-05-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

During life, the male of the species confronts many daunting challenges. One of the most difficult is choosing an appropriate gift for a girlfriend. A well-chosen, meaningful present can cement your relationship and set your feet firmly on that blissful path to the land of "happily ever after". It will be something that inspires her to grab you impulsively and deliver an enthusiastic hug and kiss, something that she'll write about in her diary, because she wants to remember it, and you, forever.

An inappropriate gift, on the other hand, can be a real turn-off. It can be the final nail in the coffin of a faltering relationship. The lady may gaze at your unwrapped offering, picture a lifetime ahead receiving the same type of present, and decide that she would find that an unbearable situation. You, with your gift under your arm, might soon find yourself on the wrong side of her front door, facing away from her house, and away from her life. Permanently.

In an effort to save you from this unhappy predicament, I would like to relate some of the more offensive gifts I've received through the years. If I wasn't already married or related to to the donor, these abominations would have sounded the death knell to our relationship. Actually, it wasn't usually the actual gift itself, it was the implication they conveyed. For instance...

1.) A step-on garbage can. This implies that my primary function is that of house-keeper, one who can easily be replaced by a phone call to "The Merry Maids". Any cleaning implement would elicit the same response. We girls like to think we have a little more to offer than our cleaning skills. Now, one exception would be an automatic dishwasher. We could rationalize that you bought that item so that we would have more time to devote to you, which is, and always will be, your predominant concern.

2.) A bathroom scale. This gift implies that you think I should pay more attention to my weight. That means you don't like me the way I am. My whole appearance probably needs improvement, in your eyes. I see the years stretching ahead as I wear a rut in the road traveling to Weight Watchers and back. Oh, I don't think so! Any self-improvement gift falls into the same category: no gym memberships, diet books, gift certificates to beauty salons, or exercise videos, thank you. You're supposed to think I'm perfect, just the way I am.

3.) Two tickets to a wrestling match. Now really! Have you ever come in unexpectedly and found me watching wrestling on T.V.? Of course not. I'd rather stare at the blank screen. If you're going to offer an evening of entertainment, at least make an effort to find something I'd enjoy. Maybe you can ask your buddy to go with you to the match. I have a feeling you'll have lots of spare time to spend with him in the near future.

4.)Your deceased mother's necklace and earrings set. Thanks, but no. I'm only your girlfriend; we're not even engaged. What if we break up? I couldn't keep this. Someone in your family should have it. I don't care if it's expensive, I don't want it! I'd much rather have some reasonably-priced jewelery that you chose just for me. The same goes for her mink stole, diamond pill box, and jeweled evening bag.

5.)Slinky underwear, lingerie, a bikini or other revealing items of apparel. Those gifts are in very poor taste before you're married. Can you imagine my parents' reaction if I showed them? My dad would immediately take them by hand to the garbage can, and you would follow them if you ever showed your face around my house again. Besides, nobody would actually wear this stuff; they'd get pneumonia. The girls at Hooter's would be embarrassed to wear them. You really need to get your mind out of the gutter- I'm beginning to have serious doubts about our relationship.

These are a few examples of presents your girlfriend will not appreciate. To find the perfect gift requires time, keen powers of observation, and perhaps a few off-the-record chats with her family and friends. What are her hobbies, her favorite restaurants, her preferred type of entertainment? Does she have any collections? With care and forethought you can find that perfect offering which will enshrine you in her heart, as well as in her diary, forever more.

Should you buy a Valentine gift for an ex-girlfriend?

2012-05-04T19:36:00.001-07:00

Getting an ex-girlfriend a Valentine's Day gift is a bad idea for a number of reasons. In fact, it is difficult to understand why one would even consider such a move, unless of course he is hoping to renew the relationship.

If this was the case, he would do well to have a preliminary conversation. Otherwise he risks losing the present along with the money it cost, or, if the girl is ethical, having his gift returned unopened in the next mail.

If he is simply trying to diffuse any ill will left over from the break-up, a simple, friendly card would be more appropriate. The enclosed message might read: " Sending kind thoughts to you today, with gratitude for the happy memories we share, and best wishes for your happiness in the future." This adequately conveys the thought that he holds no hard feelings and is ready to move on.

Let us consider briefly how the ex-girlfriend might feel upon receiving an unexpected Valentine's Day gift from her former beau. Her emotions will vary according to how she presently views her former boyfriend.

If she still harbors resentment or bitterness, she may throw the gift into the trash, and figure "Good riddance!". If she is scrupulously honest, she will immediately send it back unopened and he could be stuck with paying the return postage.

If she is indifferent and has already moved on with her life, she may set it aside, opened or unopened, intending to return it later and promptly forget about it. In that case, he will be left wondering whatever happened to it.

If, however, she regrets the break-up and is wishing to recapture his love, along with the old magic she found in the relationship, her hopes for a reconciliation will soar skywards, and he may find her parked on his doorstep the same evening, with a gift of equal or greater value that she's purchased for him.

Turning down her gift will be difficult, because, of course, he started the gift-giving cycle. He will be confronted with the task of explaining why he sent a Valentine present to someone he no longer cares for, returning her gift, and comforting her when she collapses into a paroxysm of uncontrollable weeping.

He should consider carefully, "Do I really want this aggravation?". If the answer is negative, he should forget the whole notion.

Sending a Valentine gift to an ex-girlfriend is a bad idea unless he hopes that, by doing so, he can rekindle the relationship, and give it another chance. However, the stratagem is still a gamble and the present should be meaningful but inexpensive.

If he doesn't wish to renew the relationship, he would be much wiser to just let sleeping dogs lie.

For the guys: ten signs a girl is ready to break up with you

2012-05-03T19:24:00.002-07:00

Single guys who want to save time and money need to stay alert for subtle feminine signals that she's no longer interested in their company or anything else they have to offer. Girls are often less direct than men. They may lack the courage to look you in the eye and say, "That's it! Buzz off, Buster!"

If you are plagued with a bad temper, and she's witnessed a few temper tantrums, she may be afraid to tell you face-to-face she's had enough.

Or, she may just be tender-hearted, and want to let you down softly. If she can make you break up with her, that will solve her problem, won't it?

Whatever her reasons for wanting to end the relationship, here are some signs and signals she may give that your presence is no longer wanted or welcomed in her world. She will probably start off with subtle hints and, if they don't work, proceed to the more blazingly apparent..

(1) When you come to visit, even if she's expecting you, she doesn't bother to dress up or put on make-up. To be honest, she looks appalling. To emphasize that she is not thrilled to see you, she may continue her phone conversation, or another activity for a quarter hour or more, almost ignoring your presence.

(2) She stops being considerate of your preferences. She wants to watch her TV programs, insists on going to movies of her choice and listens to her kind of music, even when she knows you find her choices disagreeable.

(3) She muses aloud about future plans that could not possibly include you, like joining a convent, or working in a Women's Shelter in Africa.

(4) She begins breaking regular date nights for trivial reasons, for example, her dog has started to have nightmares and she has to sit with him.

(5) She returns anything you may have left at her place, saying she is busy cleaning house and wants to get rid of all the "junk".

(6) When you call, she doesn't answer the phone. If you leave a message on the answering machine, she does not return your call.

(7) When you meet unexpectedly she's in a hurry and too busy to stop and chat.

(8) She blocks you on Facebook.

(9) When you go to her house or apartment and knock on the door, no one answers, even though her car is in the driveway.

( 10) Your friends tell you they've seen her out with some other guy, and from the way they were relating to each other, it was definitely not her cousin.

It's time to accept the inevitable and move on. Look on the whole matter as a learning experience. If , this time, you hung around until matters reached items number 7 or 8, resolve that next time you'll get the message by the time the female in question has only reached items 2 or 3.

And who knows? There may not be a next time. Your soul mate could be waiting right around the next corner, but you'll never find her if you don't get out there and start searching.

The challenges of dating a married man

2012-05-02T19:11:00.001-07:00

If you're unfortunate enough to fall in love with a married man, turn and run the other way, just as fast as your legs can carry you. To continue down the path ahead is to walk willingly into a dark, murky swamp composed of little more than depression, heartbreak and futility. The longer you hesitate, the deeper you'll sink, the more mud is likely to cling to you, and the harder it will be to finally escape and move on.

Here are only a few of the many challenges and disadvantages you'll experience if you become entangled in a relationship with a man who has previously taken a solemn vow to love, honor and cherish another woman...

* You'll be alone on vacations, major holidays and most weekends. These are family times. You may think you're important to him, but face it, you're not family. They have a prior claim on his time and his loyalty.

* He may promise to be with you when the children are grown, or when his parents have passed on, or when his wife is strong enough to stand alone, but after all, he's a cheater and he's already lying to one woman. How can you possibly believe his promises?

* Your friends and family will be against this relationship, because they love you and want only the best for you. You will not be able to discuss matters with them, and they certainly won't be welcoming him into their inner circle.

* When you're out on the town, he'll frequently look over his shoulder, not wanting to been seen in your company. When you're alone together, he'll often check his watch, needing to be home before his wife gets suspicious. He'll never be able to relax completely. Hence, neither will you. Being #2 is not fun.

* What about those office Christmas parties, family birthdays, weddings, even funerals? You'll be attending these functions alone, with no visible partner to support you or keep you company. You'll be an object of pity and many will wonder what's wrong with you, and why you can't find a boyfriend.

* Life is short and youth is fleeting. You are wasting valuable time when you should be laying a firm foundation for a bright future with someone you can trust. Wake up and smell the coffee! You deserve so much better than this two-timer.

* To him, it's a fling, an enjoyable interlude in a marriage which is comfortable, but may have become routine. Stolen moments with you provide elements of thrill and danger to an otherwise humdrum existence.

* Even if he says he's ready to leave home and set up housekeeping with you, consider this: if Wife #1 couldn't trust him, why would you think Wife #2 would be able to? You'll just be taking on someone else's heartache. Seriously, who needs it?

* Most serious of all, if there are children involved, think of them. He may not be much, but he's their dad. Are you willing to be responsible for breaking up their family? If they're old enough to remember that he left their mother because of you, it will be difficult to become an effective stepparent.

These are only a few of the problems you'll encounter, if you allow youself to fall in love with a married man. Use your will power and your common sense and run, don't walk in the opposite direction as quickly as you can.

As the old adage states, "There's plenty of fish in the sea". Why waste your valuable time, attention and talent on the stale, second-hand junk variety, who was hooked by someone else years ago?

You deserve a much better future than he can offer you. Leave the swamp, move out into the sunshine and go after it!

Why is it so hard to find a beautiful woman for a relationship?

2012-05-02T13:28:00.001-07:00

So, you're looking for a beautiful woman with whom to have a relationship. The degree of difficulty you'll experience depends on your definition of beauty.

If you're searching only for outward, physical attractiveness, there are plenty of beautiful females around. Check out the beaches, the health clubs, high-priced fashion boutiques, beauty salons and other places where lovely ladies are likely be congregate.

However, be aware that you might encounter a slight problem. These beautiful women are probably accustomed to being courted by handsome, well-to-do gentlemen. Do you fit into this category?

If so, approach the girl of your choice, and turn on the charm.

One other note of caution: check out her left hand for engagement or wedding rings. These outwardly attractive females are often the first ones snatched up by serious suitors who propose marriage. The girl whom you judge to be the most attractive may be married, or may be determined to get married. She may not wish to settle for "a relationship". Some girls are funny that way; they prefer the more definite and secure status of being a wife.

Perhaps you need to adjust your criteria for a partner in the relationship. How about choosing a girl with a pleasant, but not outstandingly beautiful appearance? If you're able to look beyond her outer image, you may discover a personality worth more than all the bleached-blond, Marilyn Monroe types in Hollywood. There are important questions whose answers will be significant in determining the quality and duration of the relationship you're searching for:

Do you share similar interests? Will your family and friends approve of your choice? Is she happy and secure within herself, or is she looking for a free ride and someone who'll take care of her? Can she cook? How many ex-husbands or ex-partners has she had? Do you share the same taste in music, movies, restaurants? Are your temperaments compatible?

If, after a reasonable amount of time in which you get to know each other, the young lady is able to provide positive and acceptable replies to all these questions, and you enter into a relationship with her, you should consider yourself one very fortunate man indeed.

If you're not convinced, let your imagination leap twenty-five years into the future, and picture each of these scenarios.

If you had found a partner who was beautiful, in fact, drop-dead gorgeous, and somehow, you got her to agree to enter a relationship with you, where would you be? You might be waking up each morning in bed beside a bony, orange-haired, wrinkled shrew, who is demanding, in a shrill voice, for you to hurry up and bring her breakfast!

Contrast that to the image of waking up to a smiling partner, maybe wrinkled, but still pleasant-looking, who is getting ready for work, as the aroma of fresh coffee drifts through the bedroom. When she's ready, she'll lay out your clothes for the office.

Such a woman is worth her weight in diamonds! If you were smart, you decided to cement your relationship with a wedding ring before some other guy could moved in on you and enticed her away!

Part of the maturing process in humans is discovering that, as the old saying goes, "Beauty is only skin deep." It is also fleeting. If you find a woman with whom you can think you can spend the rest of your life, even if she isn't a raving beauty, don't let her walk away. Be astute enough to look below the surface to where real, lasting beauty resides: in her character. You'll never regret your decision, and you'll be the envy of many of those men who, years before, entered a relationship or married one of the drop-dead gorgeous females.

When an engagement is broken, who keeps the ring?

2012-05-02T12:12:00.001-07:00

The evening a young couple becomes engaged is typically a romantic, idyllic occasion. The nervous, prospective groom kneels before his intended bride and offers her a ring, a sign of his love, and he asks her to be his wife. It's probably the most expensive ring he can afford. In fact, it may be more than he can afford, and he's possibly saddled himself with payments on it for months to come.

The young lady is overjoyed. She has been waiting for this moment for weeks. She accepts the ring with stars in her eyes, and as her Romeo slips it on her finger, she believes that she is probably the happiest and the luckiest girl in the world! "Of course, I'll marry you," she promises. A passionate, lingering kiss and embrace seal the agreement between the two lovers.

Let's fast forward this amorous scenario to six months later. Things have drastically changed.

Our young Juliette is once more face-to-face with her Romeo, but this time the ring is passed from her hand to his. It seems that her employer, an older, more experienced and very wealthy man, upon noticing her engagement ring, suddenly realized that he had loved her all along. He has declared his love and literally swept her off her feet. In this case, Juliette breaks their agreement and she should return the ring.

Alternately, it could have happened that Romeo, after a few drinks, had a one-night stand with a cocktail waitress, who just happened to be Juliette's second cousin. Family being family, it didn't take long for the word to reach his fiancee's fair ear. When asked to meet Juliette at her home, Romeo is confronted by both girls, and he has no defense. He is responsible for the broken agreement; he loses Juliette and the ring.

What if the engagement is broken by mutual agreement? Suppose, for the honeymoon, Juliette wants to visit her grandmother in Miami, Florida. Romeo is determined to visit his grandfather who is seriously ill in Nome, Alaska. Neither party will give in. An intense argument ensues and the engagement is broken by mutual consent. There is no more promise of marriage. The agreement to wed, made between the young couple, no longer exists.

The situation returns to what it was prior to the agreement being made. Romeo owns the ring. He may be able to return it and at least escape the obligation of making further payments. Juliette again has no ring, but she has prospects of having this one replaced in the near future by a more ostentatious one.

The best way to solve the dilemma of who keeps the engagement ring after the break-up: the one who breaks the engagement forfeits the ring. If the engagement is broken by mutual agreement, the girl should return the ring.

In actuality, there are often so many hard feelings involved in the breakup, that possession becomes 9/10 of the law and the girl will keep the ring. Even if she knows she should return it, and he would like to have it back, neither of them wishes to be near enough to the other for the ring to be returned to its rightful owner.

Tips for men dating single moms

2012-05-02T05:44:00.001-07:00

If you don't like kids, forget the whole idea. When dating a single mom, the children are part of the package. This fact may not be evident at first, but as soon as your date begins to really like and trust you, she'll introduce you the most important people in her life: her children.

If she's a good mom, her children will be her number one priority and you'll have to accept this. In fact, you should admire her for it. It's a sign that she honors her commitments. If and when she decides to make a permanent commitment to you, she won't treat it lightly. You'll be able to trust her with your heart, your wallet, and your future.

How you win your date's trust and affection is your concern. Be assured that she values the same qualities as most women: politeness, quiet strength, thoughtfulness, interest in her life and activities, dependability, and the ability to be calm and rational in a crisis. Single parent families tend to have a lot of crises.

I'll leave the romance department to your discretion. In this article, I'll give you tips of how to gain acceptance, at least, from the children. You need to lead them gradually to the realization that you'd be a definite benefit to have as part of the family.

The journey to this goal can be slow. Children in single parent families often have a poor image of men in general, especially if their father was abusive, had anger issues, or the divorce process was long and bitter. If they believe they've been rejected and almost abandoned by one man, they're not going to be in a great rush to trust another, especially a stranger.

The first meetings should be short and casual. Be friendly, smile, inquire about their interests and their school work. The occasional small inexpensive gift would be fine, such as a comic book, or a package of gum .Don't overdo it. You want them to look forward to your company, not your gifts.

The first outings together should be family-type trips: going to the ice cream shop, to a parade, something casual, there and back, a fun while it lasted but then back to routines, type of deal.

Keep your eyes open for ways to help that only a man can do right: fix a bike, show a boy how to tie a necktie, help with Algebra homework, explain how to train a puppy, things like that. With access to Google these days, you can learn quickly anything you need.

The first time they ask their mom if you can stay for supper, or whether she'll call and ask you over in the evening to help with homework or some other child-oriented task, you'll know you're making progress. You're becoming part of the circle, a person they feel they can trust and count on.

If, at any point, you realize that you weren't cut out for the father role, do the honorable thing and bow out of the picture gracefully as soon as you can. Whatever you do, don't let the children know it was because of them. They may come to regard themselves as pariahs and this could have negative effects on their long-term emotional health.

You might have a new project at work that will take up much of your time, or perhaps be starting a night course to upgrade your qualifications. There are many creative excuses as to why you won't be around as much anymore. Children are adaptable and they've already lost the most important man in their life, their dad. They won't miss you for long.

If you decide that you want to be part of the family on a permanent basis, congratulations! The rewards will be many, but always remember that, while the children's mother is your wife, you are not and can never be their father. Your role is to be a trusted friend and advisor. You support their mother, you formulate strategy together with her in private, but she must do the actual disciplining.

If you start bellowing like King Kong and issuing orders, you'll hear the stereotypical retort of unhappy stepchildren to an authoritarian stepparent: " I don't have to listen to you. You're not my father ( mother)!" Once the disrespect and bitterness sets in, it's hard to overcome.

You can see that, to enter into an endeavor like this, it's imperative that you have a basic love and interest in children and young people. If you don't, you'll never make it through the months and years ahead when these particular children will be an intricate part of your life, your family.

When you're old and gray, if you've fulfilled your chosen role well, these same children, then adults, will regard you with the same respect and affection as their mom. Families are meant to be forever. Though yours didn't start out in the usual way, it can end just as well.

Can you find the man of your dreams?

2012-05-01T12:57:00.001-07:00

Eventually we girls all discover that the only place the man of our dreams exists is - just there, in our dreams.

The delusion begins, I think, in early childhood with fairy tales wherein the beautiful princess marries the handsome prince and everyone lives happily ever after. As we grow older, we play with Barbie and Ken dolls; they live glorious make-believe lives, dressed in elegant outfits, riding around in flashy cars, all the while sporting mindless, plastic smiles. It was difficult to imagine them having any problems. I mean, would Ken ever yell at Barbie for leaving the bathroom tap dripping? Not in your wildest dreams!

Most of the movies reinforce our unrealistic view of love and marriage. The stars may have some problems to overcome at the beginning of the story, but they invariably solve them and stroll off into the sunset,to love and cherish each other, in their mortgage-free mansion, for the rest of their natural lives. Even Beauty's Beast turned into a handsome prince at the conclusion the Walt Disney production.

And so, a young lady entering the dating scene may expect to find a living, breathing Ken doll waiting around the next corner, to sweep her away from her boring existence: school, homework, clean up your room, get off the phone, be home by ten on school nights. If anyone was ever in need of a dream man, it's she!

Whom does she probably encounter? A slightly older teenager with a bad complexion, droopy pants and a baseball cap on backward. His idea of a big date is a walk in the park and enjoying a Coke with two straws before he walks her home. She keeps looking, and looking and looking. She finds many beasts and not one of them shows the slightest sign of changing into anything better. Meanwhile, she is getting older. Her friends are getting married and some of them are becoming mothers. What to do?

Maybe she'll have to compromise. Even the beast didn't become a prince until the end of the story. So she chooses the least objectionable beau, hoping to be able to exert enough good influence to smooth out the rough spots and shape him into the man of her dreams, a husband fit for a princess, or, as she becomes when she marries him, a queen.

Eventually, the truth dawns. As she views her own marriage and those of her friends, she realizes that a dream man doesn't exist. Her husband, and those of her friends are human beings, and humans are not perfect. As she becomes older and more mature, she figures out that it's probably a good thing too. A perfect person would be very hard to live with.

Ten reasons to marry a geek

2012-05-01T12:41:00.001-07:00

Ladies, if you want to live happily ever after, grab a geek. You may have difficulty, because geeks are notoriously shy. Check the libraries, art museums, cultural centers, as well as any sites of higher education in your area. If you succeed in finding one, open the conversation with a question, because geeks love to share knowledge. This type of guy makes the best husband. Here's why:

(1.) First of all, your family will approve of him. Geeks have mastered the art of behaving well in company. Their manners are impeccable; their language above reproach. Whatever the topic of conversation, they can add interesting tidbits of information. Your parents know instinctively that you will be safe when in the company of this intelligent young man.

(2.) If he proposes marriage, you can do all the planning for the wedding. The social particulars won't be of any interest to him. His mind will be on more important matters, like designing a car that runs on ginger ale. Call your mother and arrange the wedding you've always dreamed of.

(3.) After you're married, you'll have no financial worries. Your husband will be handsomely reimbursed for the plans to his radical new pollution-free automobile, plus numerous other innovative inventions and projects which his nimble mind has devised. You will often find yourself, smiling graciously, stylishly coifed and outfitted, standing on a podium with him, while he receives the accolades of his admirers.

(4.) All your girlfriends will envy you and wish that they had found a geek of their own. All your old boyfriends will be kicking themselves because they let you get away. They'll be sure you have some remarkable power to propel your mate to remarkable success in his chosen field.

(5.) Given their genetic inheritance, your children will be highly intelligent, with a few geniuses probable among the lot. There will be no bad report cards, complaining teachers, or worry about having to repeat a grade, in your family.

(6.) You and your children will travel the world in style. Besides the numerous business conferences your spouse must attend, there will be several holidays a year. Because he is so dedicated and industrious, he'll undoubtedly be obliged to take frequent breaks for health reasons. Since finances are not a problem, you should be able to span the globe eventually.

(7.) They say education is a lifetime endeavor and in your case it will certainly be so. Every day your spouse will share interesting opinions and information which you may have difficulty comprehending at first. Because he loves you, he'll enjoy patiently explaining everything until you understand thoroughly.

(8.) Because he is highly intelligent, his friends will be of the same calibre. Your circle will likely include specialists in science, education and technology. You'll meet dignitaries in many fields in various lands. You will have a fuller and more interesting existence than you ever thought possible.

(9.) You housekeeping or culinary skills will never be criticized. You could feed the average geek a hamburger from MacDonald's or oatmeal porridge. He'd finish either off contentedly, mutter, "Thanks, Dear, that was delicious.", and go off about his business. His mind may be occupied with the problem of eliminating pollution from jet-propelled snowboots.

(10.)Your geek husband will never be bossy or try to run your life. In fact, one of your major duties will be to keep track of his schedule and get him to the right place at the appropriate time. These types are notoriously absent-minded. If he has trouble managing his own schedule, he'll hardly be interested in arranging yours.

So, there you are, ladies. What more could any reasonable woman ask? You'll have no financial worries, be the envy of your friends, a world traveller, and have bright, cultured children. In everyday life, you'll be surrounded by interesting people, possess the latest in technology, yet remain free to follow your own interests and arrange your own schedule.

You'd better hurry out right now and grab a geek. When word gets around, everybody will want one. Then they'll be as scarce as hen's teeth, and you may be out of luck!

How to get a date with a complete stranger

2012-05-01T07:44:00.001-07:00

You see a stranger, maybe at a party, whose appearance immediately attracts you. He may not be the most glamorous person in the world, but there's just something about him... Maybe he resembles your dad or a favorite teacher. How can you arrange a date, so that you can become better acquainted?

First, you have to start a conversation. Is there anyone around who can introduce you? If not, approach in a non-threatening manner, with a smile and extended hand. "Hi, I'm Chris. May I ask you where you got that tie (or those earrings)? I'm looking for one just that shade for my dad's (or mom's) birthday."

Everyone loves to be asked for help or advice. You can choose any topic wherein he is likely to be more knowledgeable than you. He'll be happy to enlighten you. You could ask here if a spouse picked out the tie. If he's spoken for, you may as well stop now. Nothing but trouble and heartache lie down that path.If he's single, carry on.

Now that you're talking, try to broaden the focus. "Dad really hates wearing ties, but he works in a bank, so he doesn't have much choice. Do you normally look that great at work? If he's smiling, and seems interested, you can now find out where he works, if he's occupationally well-adjusted, and how he hopes his career will unfold in the future.

If you happen to be in the same field or a related one, you can proceed to discuss mutual business acquaintances, good outlets for your products, or available courses which would be helpful for promotion. You might decide to carpool to an upcoming lecture or seminar, all in the interest of business, of course.

If this avenue leads to a dead end, try another."Wow! You work so darn hard, you must need some pretty intensive down time. What do you do to relax?" If he mentions sports, movies, theater, anything that isn't a solo activity, you can suddenly develop an interest in the same pastime. This presents endless possibilities for shared pursuits.

Even if he only likes reading lengthy eighteenth century novels written in German, you can promise to browse your favorite book stores when you're there anyway, and call him if you find one by his favorite author. You'll need his phone number, of course.

At this point, you might decide to leave and grab a coffee at Tim Horton's. It's been a long day. Would he care to join you? If not, bid him a pleasant goodnight and remark that you enjoyed the conversation and hope to meet him again.

In a few days, you might come into possession of two tickets for one of his favorite pastimes. It seems a shame to go alone, when you are sure he would enjoy the evening too. He may be happy to join you. I hope you kept that phone number.

If you're really determined, you could actually hit the book stores and look for that German novel.

These strategies may help you meet some very interesting people. They work more often than not. For those times that they don't, dwell on positives. At least you have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your best shot. Regard it as a practice run for when that really, really interesting person comes along. Every time, it will get easier. Sooner or later, you'll meet the one who was meant for you.

How to cope with being alone and childless

2012-05-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

This title gives the impression that someone is feeling very sorry for themselves. "Poor me! I'm all alone. I have no children, no family nearby. Woe is me!"

The first thing to do is change that attitude. It's true that human beings are social animals; we are not meant to be alone. However, harboring such a gloomy outlook and hanging black crepe around is not going to improve the situation at all. Begin by counting your blessings.

Many people are childless by choice. The cost of raising a child today is over $200,000, plus unlimited demands on the parents' time and energy. Children are certainly a blessing, but they are also a huge, long-term responsibility. Being childless is a two-sided coin. Resolve for the next month to concentrate on the positive aspects.

You have no children, but you have more disposable income. You are not restricted by the inescapable responsibilities children bring. Your time is your own. Now, how will you choose to spend it?

Now, to the "alone" problem. Are you really alone? Do you live on a desert island in the middle of the ocean? Probably not. There are probably people within a quarter-mile radius of you right now.

The people in your neighborhood are not all members of big, happy families. They probably include seniors, shut-ins, widows and widowers, young working couples, divorced people, single parent families, just as wide a spectrum of human living arrangements as can be found in any contemporary community. Many of these people are in worse physical, emotional and mental states than you.

Now you have a choice. Will you continue to sit and wallow in self-pity or will you resolve to reach out and make a difference in your corner of the world?

Why not give it a try for one month? You can always return to the pity party later, if you find you are not happier being involved in the life of your community.

Here are some suggestions with which to start off:

* Make a mental inventory of your strengths. Are you good with children, with sick people, with the elderly? Volunteer in a school, a hospital or a seniors' home once a week.

* Find a church community where you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter whether you feel particularly spiritual or not. Churches have many social activities and members are usually friendly and welcoming.

* If you're really missing children, become a Big Brother or a Big Sister. You could be a significant part of a child's life by giving something his or her biological parents can't or won't provide.

* Get a computer. When you're connected to the Internet, the entire world is at your fingertips. Monitor one of the chat networks for awhile. Eventually, you may find that you want to add some comments of your own. Just be cautious about giving personal information until you're sure with whom you're dealing.

* Take a course which follows one of your areas of interest. You'll meet fellow students with a similar interest. Friendships may blossom which will be enriching for you both.

* If your living arrangements allow it, get a pet. You'd be amazed at how many people stop to admire a cute puppy or kitten on a leash when you take your pet for a walk.

* Don't be afraid to go places by yourself: a movie, the neighborhood coffee shop, the library, or the burger joint. If you're in a risky neighborhood, go during daylight hours. Many an interesting acquaintance has begun over a coffee at "Dunkin' Doughnuts".

* Everyone has to have some time alone, and many of us treasure those moments. Find an engrossing hobby, reading, writing, handwork, crosswords, something you enjoy, and save it for those moments. Enjoyable hobbies make time pass quickly.

If you follow the above regimen for one month, you'll discover that you're involved in interesting activities with new friends who will enrich your life even as as you are enriching theirs.

You may wish to write to a new title next time: " How to cope with having too many friends and too much to do".

How to regain self-confidence after a break-up

2012-05-01T06:55:00.002-07:00

Break-ups are painful. It doesn't matter whether it's a marriage, a relationship, or a long-term friendship that has come to an end, parting and starting over is one of the more difficult tasks a person will confront during his lifetime.

The party who initiated the split usually has a less difficult time, but both individuals must adapt to thinking and acting independently again, to adjusting to new and different routines, and to meeting and interacting with new people.

The individual who receives notification that the break-up is imminent is in a less enviable position. He must deal with the initial shock or surprise, while exploring options and making plans for a more solitary lifestyle. He may also be plagued with questions which probably have no answers. "What did I do wrong?", " What should I have done differently?", "Why did this happen to me?"

The truth of the matter probably is that one person changed and grew in a new direction while the other didn't. Whether the change was for better or worse will remain to be seen, but meanwhile, their aims, values and desired lifestyles no longer coincide. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way things are.

How does the partner who is left, regain his or her self-confidence? There are a variety of measures to be taken, and one definite activity that must be avoided.. He must not sit around feeling sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate. He should begin immediately to implement some constructive strategies, such as the following:

* Make a list of all your abilities and strengths. Plan how to put them into use in ways that will benefit others. Are you good cook? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or take a meal to a shut-in neighbor. Are you sympathetic and a good listener? Visit seniors' residences or long-term care facilities, volunteer at the Distress Line. When you bring joy to others, and they depend on you. it does wonders for your self-confidence..

* Perk up your appearance. Have your hair done, your teeth whitened, buy a few new, sporty articles of clothing. Stand tall, smile and laugh, be pleasant to everyone. Cheerful, upbeat people are welcome almost anywhere, anytime.

* Contact old friends, especially the unattached ones. In any group of singles, somebody is always having a crisis of some sort . Be available to help out. Be the one everyone calls on when they're having difficulty. Nothing builds confidence like being needed and relied upon by others.

* Find a church congregation where you feel at home. Rediscover your inherent worth as a child of God. You were made to God's specific directions, and he deals in quality. There's a plan for your life and you are in the process of discovering it.

* In your spare time, if you have any, think about the person you'd like to have in your future, whether as a friend or as someone closer. Try to spend some time in places that type of person might be. If you want the quiet, knowledgeable type, visit the library several times a week. If you want a sports lover, go to ball games. If you want an animal lover, volunteer at the Humane Society.

* Remind yourself often that the world is full of millions of nice people, most of whom you've never met. There are thousands who would be compatible with you, but they won't come and find you if you're home feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out there and circulate! Believe that if you can brighten one other person's existence today, the entire day may be considered a success!

Later in life, when the break-up is only a dim memory, you may look back on it as one of the more fortunate episodes in your life. It enabled you to move on and to find the one with whom you were meant to have a special relationship for the rest of your days. It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining, but in this case, it may turn out to be a lining of eighteen-carat gold!

Dating guidelines for single moms

2012-04-30T19:51:00.001-07:00

There is no guidebook for single moms who feel ready to re-enter the world of dating. Whether your absence from this activity has been short or long-term, you have to make up your own rules as you go along. Your conscience, your own childhood experiences, your training and your own common sense will direct you, but you must often take time to pause, observe, re-evaluate and change your plan of action if it seems indicated.

I re-entered the dating game years ago, following a ten-year marriage. I had four young children and I tried to decide what would be best for all of us. I didn't want what remained of our family to become a sad little group of losers whom all the "normal" families pitied. Divorce was a rare occurrence at that time, and I sensed the children were sensitive about the absence of their dad. My own mood wasn't the best either.

Something had to change. As a family we had to stop the self-pity and begin to look outward. There was a whole world out there full of very nice people. It was time for all of us to move into it.

I was fortunate to find other singles active in a group called "Parents Without Partners". The club sponsored family activities as well as adult ones. The children had fun and learned they weren't the only ones in this situation and I was able to brush up on some neglected social skills, such as learning how to do the latest dances, and how to accept compliments graciously from members of the opposite sex.

Naturally, some of the adults soon began going on individual dates. This was the time I had to formulate some rules. As a mom, you can't just worry about yourself anymore, There are innocent little people depending on you to do what's best for the family. It's a huge responsibility.

Here are some of the guidelines I used:

* The children come first. Only when their wants and needs are taken of, was I free to go out and have fun. Under the age of 12, they were never left alone. If I could afford to go out, I could afford a responsible sitter. On the other hand, a happy mother is a better parent. I tried to socialize with adults at least once a week.

* The job was my second priority. Children are expensive. You want to exemplify a good work ethic so they don't think that going on welfare is acceptable just because you're having a rough time. As the breadwinner, you can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to keep your job.

* They can meet your friends when the occasion arises, but don't include them in any couple's activities until you've known the person long enough to be sure he'll be a good influence. I went out with one fellow who played a guitar and sang cowboys songs. The kids loved it when he came over. They knew the words to all the songs and sang along enthusiastically. He and I parted company when my ears couldn't take any more.

* When you accept an invitation from a gentleman friend to go on a special excursion with the children, such as to a zoo or theme park, be sure you pay the bill for your family. You don't want to be indebted to anyone for expenses incurred by your children. Some people can expect too many privileges in return. You need to retain your independence as a free agent, if and until you find the special one who will help you with the all-important parenting role on a permanent basis.

* Have a long-term goal in mind so that you can be honest with your dates. If you aren't interested in a relationship, but want a legal marriage, tell them. There's no sense wasting everyone's time. The children will benefit from having lots of friends, but a series of pseudo "uncles" can be detrimental to good character formation.

The experience of being a single mom is challenging, and there will be times when you think that trying to date under those circumstances is an impossible endeavour. But, it will also be a period of incredible growth and maturing. If you stick to your principles, everything will work out for the best. You'll keep the love and respect of your children, and you may even find, as I did, someone who was willing and eager to accept the package deal and restore your family once again to a complete unit.