Let Go and Let God . . .

2020 Vision

2020-03-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

Hey.

Welcome [back] to my blog!

I feel like I don't need to introduce myself, because if you're reading this, you already know a little bit (or a lot bit) about me. Maybe you didn't know that I like to write. If you didn't, now you do.

I'm just not sure what I want to write about yet. Sometimes there's just so much crap going on in my mind, I need to write it all out to figure out what to do with it. There isn't really anything I feel like I need to figure out at this moment, except what to write about.

It's too cold to go camping, too cold to go fishing, NASCAR has been cancelled for the next few weeks so no racing to watch today, and I just got back from the church women's retreat so I'm all relaxed and happy and pensive and refreshed. In about 12 hours, it's back to the craziness. And even though I don't work in acute care anymore, I still feel like it's going to be ugly.

Yeah...more or less ;).

Alright, this has gone on long enough for now. My awesome wonderful hubby is making homemade mac and cheese for supper, so I'm gonna sign off and do some crocheting and enjoy what's left of a low-key weekend before I can't anymore.

...and letting God. (or "The Renaissance Project")

2018-12-16T19:57:00.000-06:00

Well...it's been almost exactly three years since I last updated this blog. And what a busy three years it's been!

Since I last wrote in here, the boy graduated from high school and is now in his junior year of college. That whole thing has gone much better than I'd ~~anticipated~~ feared. He's thriving in his new environment: doing well in his classes (even made the Dean's List last year!) and transitioning well. He stayed in the dorms for the first two years, but last June he moved into a rental duplex with five of his new friends. He says he has no plans whatsoever to return to living in the little rural town we call home, because there's nothing to do here.

I'm adjusting.

I mean, this is what we want for our children, right? We want them to grow up and become responsible young adults and find their grooves and make their marks in the world. And that's what he's doing. We don't want them living in our houses for the rest of their lives. I knew the transition wouldn't be easy. I spent the whole summer before his freshman year prone to seemingly unprovoked crying spells. There is just so much out there to worry about... the news is always full of stories about college kids dying or getting seriously injured. No one is more acutely aware of this than the mother of a new college freshman. Especially if she never had that college experience herself.

Actually, I really am a lot better now than I was at first. This actually does kind of tie in to the whole adoption thing, because I've had to admit that my role as a parent has changed. "Well, duh," I hear you say, "a parent's role is always changing." Yeah, I know; you're right. Ready or not, here it is.

Since I brought up the adoption topic...

I'm adjusting to that, as well. "That" being the fact that I was so sure, so absolutely definitely positive that we were doing the right thing and that it was our destiny to become parents again and raise another child. So. Very. Sure. I remember the day I started saying "When we adopt" instead of "If we adopt"; it was glorious! It was guaranteed. It was going to happen. We had dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's, and jumped through all the hoops, and we were just waiting on God to send our birthmom our way.

I haven't talked about this much in real life, yet. I wasn't ready to talk about it much in real life, yet. But it's been a long three years and ready or not...

I bought a Prayer Journal a few weeks ago. I haven't written in it yet. I haven't kept a written journal since the 1990's. At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I like the feedback I get from writing in a blog that other people can read at their leisure. Maybe my thoughts and feelings and experiences can help others -- or, if nothing else, provide some cheap amusement for a while.

A few days ago while driving home from work, the idea of "re-using" this blog as my prayer journal came to mind and sounded like the best thing since rearview mirrors. I'd like a "place" to be able to document not just my insights and thoughts and feelings, but also my faith journey. ("If it's not documented, it didn't happen" was a concept I fully subscribed to LONG before the first day of nursing school!!)

So, that's the scoop. That's why I'm writing in here again. Because I need to remember to "Let go and let God" in so many other aspects of my life, I'm not even going to change the name.

See ya next time!

Letting go...

2015-12-28T14:50:00.001-06:00

Well...thank you for all of the prayers, well-wishes, happy thoughts, words of encouragement, support, hugs, prayers, and any other kind of emotional expression you have shared with us over the last four years or so, on our adoption journey.

Our journey is over, but please don't be sad. We're not.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, but just as strongly as we all felt that we were doing the right thing four years ago or so when we started attending informational sessions and gathering information on how to be involved in the domestic newborn adoption program, know that we now feel this is the right thing to do. We've cancelled our contract with the adoption agency. We've pulled our portfolios; in fact, they're both sitting in an envelope, on my desk, as I write this.

I don't know why we were never "chosen", but I do know that there is a lesson in all of this. I don't know what that lesson is yet, but I still know that we're going through exactly what God wants us to go through. His timing is always perfect, His plans are always flawless. He blessed us with one child of our own, and that child is more than we could have ever dreamed of having. I know I'm biased because I'm a proud mom and all, but seriously: we are truly blessed, far beyond our wildest dreams. Our son is healthy, happy, super smart, talented, and truly and completely the apple of my eye. I have always felt kind of weird for wanting another child, when the one we have already was the answer to so many prayers.

Like I said to DH a few weeks ago...we tried. We did our best, but it wasn't meant to be. I could run through the "what if"s until I'm blue in the face, but what's the point of that?!

So, thank you again, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the support you've given us on this journey. Please continue to pray for those families who are still waiting, and those families who are finding themselves in unplanned situations where they aren't sure what to do next.

All of our love,
T, P, & S

994 days...

2015-05-29T16:12:00.003-05:00

Hello again! It's hard to believe we're closing in on 1,000 days of this journey of waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting...

I remember when our journey of waiting first started. I jumped every time the phone rang. I made sure I always had my cell phone with me, on, and charged so that I wouldn't miss The Phone Call. I remember having a slight panic attack one time when I was chaperoning a band trip and my phone battery died...I calmed myself down with the fact that DH was at home and the home phone would work just fine, if needed. It wasn't needed, but that wasn't the point. I used to worry about making vacation plans, because what if we got The Call during that time?!

I've become quite lax in that aspect. :) Every so often we get "unknown name" calls from in-state numbers (I answered one today, it was a political thing) that make me think, "Maybe this is it!" but I know that it likely will not be "it".

I'm not completely lax, though; I've just kind of shifted my obsession from the phone, to my email. When I check my email, I hurriedly scan through the list of senders to see if our caseworker's name appears at all, hoping that it does, hoping that she's emailing me about a potential match or a birthmom situation that she thinks we might be interested in. That hasn't happened for a while, either, but you never know.

Speaking of never knowing, it occurred to me a few weeks ago that every day that goes by without a phone call or an email feels like getting another "BFN" as they call it in the online infertility world. That stands for "big fat negative" and, as you may have gathered from this entry's photo, refers to the result of a home pregnancy test. And speaking of my obsessions...at least former obsessions, hahaha...

I haven't talked about my own infertility here (or anywhere, actually!) all that much. When I was going through it -- "it" meaning "trying to get (and stay) pregnant" -- I never thought of myself as infertile; I could get pregnant, I just couldn't stay pregnant. The doctors I would see would tell me not to worry about it, that I was young and it would happen eventually and I should quit worrying about it because that was probably making it worse. And then they told me I should stop trying because it probably wasn't ever going to happen. And then, miracle of miracles, I got pregnant with DS (after losing five pregnancies) and had an uneventful pregnancy and carried him to term and had an uneventful labor and delivery. It was surreal. It still has it's surreal moments. In hindsight, I wish I would've tried harder to find answers; to find out why I was having so many issues and then to find out what to do about it, instead of just letting the chips fall where they may, and waiting until my late 30's to find out that I had severe endometriosis and uterine fibroids (and probably had for years) which very likely could have explained why I had had so much trouble in the reproduction department. But, no sense dwelling on that now. None of us can change anything in the past, but it is part of my story and part of what brought me to where we are today, on the journey of waiting to be part of an open adoption.

The point I was going to make is that, during the time when DH and I were trying to have a baby, I went through a LOT of home pregnancy tests. Every time my period was late (which was most of the time), I'd have to test. Too bad they didn't have punch cards for those things, like a "buy ten, get one free!" deal. Anyway, most of the time I got the BFN. It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected after a while.

That's exactly how I feel now, every day. When a day goes by that our caseworker doesn't call or email, I feel like I just peed on a stick and got another BFN. Every. Day. It was devastating at first, and always disappointing, but not unexpected. I guess, like in the old days, I just acknowledge it, let it go, and hope that the next time brings better results. Because, like in the old days, I have faith that it will happen; that "better results" are just around the next corner, or maybe the next one, or possibly the one after that. I don't know when, but one of these days we'll get that phone call or email. I remember that feeling of getting a positive result (or a "BFP" in the online slang), and the guarded sense of elation that followed. I can't wait to feel that way again!!

In other news...not much. DS only has a few days left of his junior year of high school, and I'm already having my moments with that. He had his last piano recital this week; he's been taking piano lessons for nine years and decided that next school year he will have too many things going on to keep it up. Part of me was super sad about that, because it's the first of many lasts that will be happening in the next twelve months, and I'm not really ready to have my baby boy graduate from high school yet! But time, as we all know, keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future... heh. I'm happy that he did keep up with piano for as long as he did, and that it set such a strong foundation for his forays into other musical avenues (choir, trombone, guitar, bass...). I wish I could play half as well as he does. Or even a quarter as well.

The boy got himself a job a few months ago, too. I wasn't ready for that, either, but now it's kind of nice that he has some of his own money! He works in the deli of our local grocery store, and seems to be enjoying it and handling the responsibility quite well. I'm a proud mama bear. :)

In "OMG!" news, I found out via Facebook this week that one of DS' friends (who moved away a few years ago) just became a daddy. That caught me a little off guard! Of course I'm fully aware that it's possible...DS himself will be 18 in January, and when I was his age I'd already been pregnant once myself...but it makes me feel old. And, I'm not gonna lie, jealous; but that's part of life with infertility. Some people can pop out babies like a PEZ dispenser, and some of us can't. It doesn't make me a bad person, it's just a reminder that we all have different paths to follow. At least, that's what I tell myself almost every single day. :)

On THAT note, please keep all of us waiting families in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for patience and guidance. Pray for the strength to handle our journeys, no matter where the road takes us. And, of course, pray for the moms out there who don't know what to do with their unborn babies...let them find us, let them know that someone out there wants so badly to meet them and help them...let them know they're not alone.

Thanks for reading. See you next time!!

If at first you don't succeed...try re-doing your portfolio.

2015-02-24T15:07:00.004-06:00

901 days since we've been officially on the books as of today! And still, we wait. Sometimes more patiently and faith-filled than others. There's nothing quite like the barrage of self-doubt that comes along with being a family hoping to be chosen by an expectant mom. Why haven't we been chosen yet? Are we too old? Is it because we already have a child? Did I make us sound too selfish? Does it seem like we're not good parents? Should we have used a different agency? Should we try to market ourselves? How long should we keep waiting??

For a few months now, I've been thinking about updating our portfolio. I put it together in the summer of 2012, after all, and at that time the boy had just finished 8th grade. It doesn't seem like that long ago, but recently he registered for classes for his senior year of high school, and it has occurred to me on more than one occasion that the photos of him in our portfolio are now a little out-dated. I mean, he basically looks the same, but not really. He's taller, his hair is longer, he looks more like a young man instead of a young teenager. I just feel like he's a little misrepresented in our portfolio now, so I decided it's time for some updating.

I'm just afraid I won't be able to stop there. Because I know that the "Pets" page is outdated now, too. And I could add or change more pictures on other pages, as well. Or maybe I should just change the whole look and feel of the whole portfolio. I kept it simple, but maybe it's too simple. Maybe I should add more text. Maybe I should make it more serious and less "fun". I don't know!! I have a copy of it here, but haven't looked at it for a while. I should look at it soon, to get an idea of exactly how much I want to change before I go shopping for more scrapbooking supplies.

So, that's pretty much where we are now. I did email our caseworker last week and found out that our portfolio was looked at six weeks ago (well, seven weeks ago now), but nothing since. Besides the fact that I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I start updating the portfolio, I'm also more than a little hesitant to do so because it means both of our portfolios will be pulled and sent back to us. Which means we won't be "out there". I guess that's not entirely true, because our cover letters will still be available for expectant families to look at, and I don't plan on keeping the portfolios a second longer than necessary...but it's still in the back of my mind. Our mom can't find us if we're not out there.

Well! In other news...since I last wrote in here, I'm happy to say that I survived chaperoning the marching band trip to Tampa! Oh my gosh, it was so fun. And even though the sun didn't come out until the day we left, and the day we went to the beach it was in the 50's and drizzling and the locals were wearing parkas while our kids were wearing bikinis and swimming in the ocean, it was so very nice to be away from winter for a short time. Is it too late to relocate? Heh heh heh. A girl can dream!

A few days after we got back from that trip, the boy had his very first fender-bender. :( He was driving (my awesome 2007 Monte Carlo) to school for pep band one evening after a winter storm, and as he approached the intersection where he was going to turn right, the car hit a patch of ice and spun out. The passenger side of the Monte Carlo took the brunt of the impact. Apparently he clipped the rear bumper of the car in front of him and then slid up on the median and into a big wooden stop sign pole. THANKFULLY no one was injured!! Because this was at a busy intersection and things could have gone real bad, real fast. The other vehicle was able to drive away with no problem, but my poor car wasn't so lucky. I was able to baby it home, because this happened just about half a mile away from our driveway, but the insurance company ended up declaring it a total loss. It sucks, but everyone has to go through their first car accident, right? At least he wasn't hurt, and seems to be no worse for the wear, and is hopefully much more aware of dangerous driving conditions now.

The week after that was his 17th birthday. I still cannot believe that my baby boy is 17 years old!! Yikes! I wish he'd quit making me feel so old. Ha, ha, ha.

Other than that, not much going on. The boy is busy with school and music stuff (winter drumline, jazz band, piano lessons, guitar lessons, church youth music group, besides choir and band in school). DH and I are working and trying to keep up with the boy child. And counting down the days until winter is over, because we are SO over cold weather!

Wish I had more interesting news to report...maybe next time! Thanks for reading this and thinking of us.

No news is no news!

2014-12-18T16:21:00.001-06:00

Day 832, and still, we wait.

The good news, and in the Yes-of-course-I'm-Jealous-but-in-a-good-way department, I am truly happy to announce that one of the other couples with whom we went through adoption education classes is now no longer a couple but a family!! I feel like an auntie...sort of...in a way...but not really. I'm so genuinely happy for them, and ask you to continue to keep them (as well as all adoptive families and families-in-wait) in your prayers.

In other news, our adoption agency announced recently that they are cutting back on the number of hoping-to-adopt families they will represent next year, basically because (I've tried five times now to write this next part without making it sound horrible), well, I guess because more unexpectedly expecting parents are choosing to parent instead of making an adoption plan for their unexpected blessings. How wonderful would it be if there were no need for adoption agencies because every child was born into this world to families who were more than ready, willing, and able to parent them to the absolute best of their abilities?! It would be something akin to peace on earth, I believe. Nothing short of a miracle...a blessed, blessed miracle.

It has always felt just a little bit selfish to me, for me to complain about having to "wait so long". I mean, when you get to the bare bones of how this works, we're waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent (or parents) who probably feel that the best chance their unborn child has for a good life is to make an adoption plan with another family. The fact that we haven't been chosen yet doesn't mean that we're not a good enough family, it just means that we're not needed, yet. Sometime between the last time I wrote in here and now, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. It's almost as if our "services" are not needed at this time, and when you really think about it, that's not such a bad thing. So, that is why I feel awkward now, complaining in the least about our wait. This adoption journey, every bit of it, is so not about us. It's about a child in need. It's about an expectant parent making the heart-wrenching decision to let another family raise the child that grew and developed inside her womb. For us to adopt a child, means that another family will be cutting their ties to an extent with that same child. If you know me, you know that I don't like to cause another human being to be in pain. Don't get me wrong, I still have the utmost faith that this is the path on which we are meant to be, and I have not stopped believing that God does have a plan for us to adopt a child, but this is just more evidence that it will happen when the timing is right, and only then. In my job as an OB nurse, I'm one of the people responsible for convincing brand-new moms and dads that they have the skills and knowledge and confidence to take this newborn tiny human home and care for it to the best of their abilities and turn it into something meaningful and worthwhile...so that part of me cannot be sad that the number of infants being placed for adoption is down.

But the realist in me knows that not every family is able to handle caring for a newborn with that child's best interests at heart, even if they decide not to make an adoption plan. I don't live in a cave, you know. I see the stories about irresponsible parents and families, and ache for the children who suffer in those cases. I read about (and pray for, and occasionally even see for myself) children who have been hurt by their families, and I just want to scream and yell...if they had only made an adoption plan with someone like us, that pain could have been avoided. Lives could have been saved. It's a little frustrating.

Anyway...another realization of sorts that has occurred to me since the last time I wrote, that has made this wait much more tolerable, is the fact that if this doesn't happen, we will be fine. I belong to a few different adoption-related groups on FB, and there's often an underlying theme of, "If I don't get to parent a child, my life will be forever incomplete." Not in those words, but that's the general idea. And the obvious rebuttal I have to that, is currently sitting on the other end of the couch playing on his smartphone and petting the dog. I'm fortunate enough to have had the chance to parent one child already. I've gone through the joys and pains of pregnancy and natural childbirth and all that fun stuff. I have struggled with feeling like our lives won't be complete if we don't have another child...but I know that we are very, very lucky to have had the one we do have, which is something that a lot of people will never experience. It's another thing that makes me feel selfish about complaining about the length of The Big Wait. It's a miracle we had him in the first place, and now we're hoping for another miracle. Is that selfish? (Rhetorical question.)

I don't want to sound like a complete downer here, but this is what's been on my mind that I can actually share here. Working in OB, there are lots of things that come up that I want so badly to write about, but I can't. So I keep those thoughts and insights to myself.

It's kind of like when I was in nursing school, and in grave danger of failing one of my classes. It seemed like it would just be the absolute and complete end of the world if I failed that class, and I didn't know how on earth I would even continue if that happened...I was sure that if I failed a class, I would not ever become a nurse, and that put my whole life in a spin because I was so convinced that I was meant to be a nurse, and I had no idea what I would do with my life if that didn't happen...well, guess what? I failed that class. And it was momentarily devastating, but it was by far not the end of the world. The planet didn't implode. I wasn't ostracized from the community. I wasn't even kicked out of nursing school. I cried for a good day or so, then wiped my tears and pulled up my big-girl panties and went after Plan B -- which was to re-take that class online over summer break and hopefully be able to rejoin my classmates on the same schedule in the fall. And that's what happened. And now I'm a nurse, even though something came up that I didn't think I was prepared to handle. I know there is a huge difference between adopting a child and passing a class, but the lesson is very much the same. Things happen that you didn't plan for, but life goes on and if it's meant to happen, it will happen. I'm not the one in control here. Gotta keep the big picture in focus, right?!

Anyway...in other news, in about a week and a half from now, I will be on my way to sunny FLORIDA!! With 60-some band kids, on a coach bus. But still. DS' marching band will be playing at the Outback Bowl in Tampa on New Year's Eve Day, and I get to chaperone!!! It will be so nice to escape this cold, bleak, upper Midwestern landscape for a few days. A dream come true, one might say. And since I haven't even seen the sun here in almost two weeks, it can't happen a moment too soon. I miss the sun. I'm so tired of winter and it's not even January yet.

On that note...thanks for reading, and for your thoughts and prayers and good wishes. I wish I had news, but I don't, so you get to just hear me ramble on for a while. :) Merry Christmas!!

Above average?

2014-09-19T13:54:00.001-05:00

September is something of a milestone month in our calendar year, generally speaking. First of all, there's the fact that my birthday, DH's birthday and our wedding anniversary all happen within the first three days of the month. (The third day, to be exact.) That's a lot to handle in one fell swoop, but just so DS isn't left out, school usually starts for him around that time as well. This year, we celebrated our 40th birthdays and 18th anniversary with a much-needed trip to Las Vegas. I'll spare the details here, because I plastered them all over Facebook, but a good time was had by all. DS started his junior year of high school while we were gone...I'm having a harder time wrapping my little head around that, to be honest. Seems like just yesterday the kid was in preschool, and now he's 6'3" and has facial hair and is driving around in a vehicle five years newer than my daily driver! But, I digress. September is also the month I started working at the hospital (first as a CNA and now as an RN), and this is year #5, which I'm also having a hard time believing. I'm not exactly sure why, though; sometimes it feels like I've been there forever, and sometimes it feels like I just started.

September hasn't been all fun and games, though. There's September 11, 2001, for example. And a few years later on that same date, DH's dear, sweet grandmother left our earthly presence (in what we refer to at work as a "celestial transfer"). On September 4th five years ago, the day after our 35th birthdays, we lost one of the best dogs in the world ever. And an occasion that I'm pretty sure I've never really made "public" is that we had a miscarriage on our 21st birthdays, exactly one year before we married each other. But I don't want this post to be all sad, so I'm moving on now...

As you may have already surmised, somewhere in the middle of this is the commemoration of our "Big Wait" anniversary. According to the records, our 2-year Big Wait Anniversary was technically on September 6th. I wouldn't exactly call it "fun and games", but it hasn't exactly been horrible, either. If I had to label it, I'd put it in the "good" category, for sure. I mean, it is a good thing to celebrate, even though I wish we weren't still waiting! It means that someday, some child out there is going to have a chance that it might not have otherwise had. Someday, a life is going to change for the better because of the decisions we've made -- actually, I take that back; many lives are going to be changed for the better, ideally -- the child; the parents who have decided that, for whatever reason, they are not ready to be parents yet; their extended families; and, of course, our family. So, even though I get impatient and have the occasional "bad day" where I don't think I can possibly wait another minute, inside I'm truly happy to say that we're still waiting. It's better than not waiting anymore, right? Plus, the fact that we're still waiting just means that we're not ready yet, or the expectant mom isn't ready yet, or both. There's literally nothing more we can do except keep the faith, keep praying, and fill out the occasional stack of paperwork that gets sent our way in order to keep our credentials active. As Lita Ford once said, "It ain't no big thing."

I originally thought that our 2-year renewal would involve another home visit, which I was both dreading and looking forward to (as a reason to declutter the house from stem to stern), but that turned out not to be the case. (As a side note, I got to deep clean and declutter the house anyway because my parents stayed here with DS while DH and I were in Vegas! hee hee hee) We did have to have updated background checks, medical reports, provide updated insurance information, and fill out umpteenish various consents and the like in order to have our foster home license renewed for another two years. As it turns out, we also have to have our fingerprints redone, because there was a mix-up in when our actual "expiration" date was, and so our licensure lapsed for about ten days. But no worries, because it is active again and it really ain't no big thing. We found out after the fact, and it doesn't affect our portfolio exposure in any way.

Speaking of things I originally thought...I could have sworn that, when we were going through our adoption education classes, I was told or heard that the average waiting time in our program was 6-9 months, although our worker was always hesitant to give a time frame because every situation is different, etc., etc. On the other hand, DH -- who spent the same number of hours in the same classes as I did, sitting right next to me in fact -- says that he remembers hearing the average waiting time was two years. (It was a fun discussion. If you've never had the privilege of hearing two emotional Virgo perfectionists who don't like to be wrong and have the tendency to remember odd details have such a debate, I'd highly recommend it. Or not.) I will admit that I have since read, on highly-unscientific adoption-related support groups on Facebook, that the average waiting time right now is two years.

Either way, whether DH misinterpreted the information we were given or not (ha! ha!!), we're now obviously past both of those "averages". Which makes us...wait for it!...

ABOVE AVERAGE!!

*cheeky grin*

Seriously. Please continue to pray for families like ours who are waiting to make a difference...and pray for the families we will one day be matched with...and pray for the overworked social workers who are dealing with all of us...and pray for patience and guidance for everyone involved.

And pray that we don't get too far "above average"...

An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent!

2014-08-05T14:07:00.002-05:00

The usual gestation period for an elephant is about 645 days, according to Wikipedia. That comes out to about 21 months, and is the longest gestation period in the animal kingdom.

We're closing in on 23 months. So take that, elephants.

Had another "almost" moment, sort of, last week. Our case worker sent out an email about an expectant mom with a history of substance abuse looking to set up an adoption plan for the baby that was expected to be born that very night. It was an interesting few days, even though the birth mom ended up choosing another family. DH and I both did some extensive research and had some conversations about things that don't tend to just come up in regular conversations.

I may have mentioned this before, but two years ago when we were in the "getting ready to wait" stage of the adoption process, we were asked to specify whether or not we'd be open to a whole list of potential "birthmom situations". These situations can be anything from prenatal exposure to cigarettes, alcohol, medications, illegal drugs, and domestic abuse, to a family history of genetic disorders, to known fetal anomalies, to absolutely no known history whatsoever. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about it, even now. I mean, when I was pregnant with DS, there was no disclaimer that I would only take him home if he was perfect. I just felt awkward filling out that checklist, and those awkward feelings come back whenever we get a notification about a birthmom situation. I completely understand, though, why the workers put those feelers out beforehand. Some of the situations can have significant impacts on a family, emotionally and physically speaking. In case you're wondering, we indicated that we'd consider most of the items on that original checklist on a case-by-case basis. The "awkward" part comes from being given the option to make that choice, if that makes sense. It's like being forced to be judgemental. My point with all this rambling is that it's not a comfortable feeling to have to figure out where you'd draw the line. My gut feeling is that if there is a child out there that needs a stable home and loving family, I want to do whatever I can to help. I don't know what God's plan is for me, for our family. I don't want to miss out on His plan for us by saying we're not willing to parent a child with xyz because that might be exactly what He wants us to do.

I know this is kind of all over the place, but that's how my thoughts are right now. :) Long story short, it was a good reminder and practice of just putting everything in God's hands and accepting whatever comes about. In this case, we weren't meant to be matched. I have been praying for the baby and the families involved in this situation.

So...almost two years now. It was odd, at first, but now I've lost count of how many people I know (either in real life or via FB) who have had babies in that time frame. Families who weren't even pregnant or trying to conceive when we went "active" on the waiting list have since given birth and now have infants and toddlers. That was weird, at first, and made me more than a little jealous. But that's life, so I learned to deal with it and move on. However, recently I found out that one of these same families is now expecting their second child since we've been playing the waiting game, and that suddenly makes it seem like we've been waiting for.ev.er. And is making me more than a little jealous, again. But I'll get over it; I always do. Because that's how I roll. And because one day it will be our turn, again...

On that note, I'll sign off...for now!

Adult temper-tantrum in 3...2......

2014-06-14T11:27:00.000-05:00

Don't mind me...I'm having a moment.

A moment where I want to slam doors and throw things around. I want to be loud and obnoxious. I want to grab a sledgehammer and start demolishing the nearest wall. I want to stomp my feet defiantly and stick my tongue out at the world. I want everyone within the sound of my voice (or, errrr, within sight of this blog?) to know that I Am Here...and I. Am. IMPATIENT!!!

We got the quarterly "Review" email from our case worker this week. I haven't responded yet, because I know I'm going to ask (as I always do) whether anyone has looked at our portfolio, and I'm just not in the mood right now to hear that no one has looked at it lately. I could respond that there is absolutely positively nothing new with us and just skip the part where I ask if any has looked at "us"...yeah, no I couldn't. I have to ask. So I will. Soon.

I'm also thinking that, perhaps joining a couple of adoption support groups on FB wasn't such a good idea; it is getting frustrating (and I hate to say that, but it is what it is) hearing about people who got matched in, like, thirty milliseconds after completing their homestudies. Believe me when I say that I am really, really, really, really, really trying not to let things like this upset me...and most of the time, they don't. But something snapped inside of me last night and now, I just really, really, really, really, really need to vent.

See? I feel better already.

Sort of.

I've just never been a patient sort of person. When I make up my mind that something needs to happen, I need it to happen NOW. I was in labor with DS for all of two hours, and it still felt like forever to me. As a kid, I used to get positively sick on Christmas Eve and the night before my birthday, because I could not tolerate sitting by and doing nothing (or even worse, trying to sleep!) on the cusp of such important, meaningful events. If I had only known then that waiting to be chosen by an expectant mom would be just like 2am on Christmas morning (when it's way too early to get up but probably too late to fall back asleep), day after day after month after year...

I don't know what "then" I was going for with that "if". It just sounded good in my head.

Anyway...I know this is all happening according to God's plan, and in His time and according to His will, and not ours. I know that one day this will all make sense, and that His timing is perfect, and of course all the old cliche's like good things come to those who wait and patience is a virtue and all that. But I'm only human. I'm impatient, I want to know when things are going to happen and how they're going to happen and when they're going to happen so I can make the appropriate plans and provisions and get everything ready so things will just fall into place when they actually do happen. I feel like a nervous racehorse crammed into the starting gate...I'm just waiting for that bell to ring and those doors to fly open so I can take off and make things happen. But the bell isn't in my control, and this endless period of waiting and waiting and waiting can really mess with your mind sometimes!

And, if you know me, I don't have much of my mind left to be messed with...I need to preserve as much of it as I possibly can! Ha, ha, ha.

Alright. Time to get out of the house and do something. DH is working today, so I think I will take the boy to get his hair cut (since it's almost longer than mine, again, and he just looooves hearing about how much he looks like his Mom when he has long hair!) and then I think we'll head into the Cities for a horse show. Because that makes sense. :D

Please pray for us...especially for patience, strength, and guidance. Pray for the other waiting families, as well; especially those who have had failed matches. Pray for the expectant parents who aren't sure what to do, and pray that whatever decisions they make are the best for their unborn babies, because that's really what it's all about. I guess I could be glad that we haven't been matched yet, because that means there are fewer expectant parents out there who feel like the best thing they could do for their child is to have them raised by another family...but...yeah. I'll leave it at that.

Until next time...

90 weeks...

2014-06-05T16:36:00.002-05:00

636 days. Nearly 21 months. 90 weeks. 15,000+ hours. and counting...

Nothing new to report here. Our next review is due this month, so I expect to hear from our case worker in the next week or two, and I will ask her if there's been any activity on our portfolio in the last few months. I'm half expecting her to come back with some response like, "I'm sorry; who are you again?"
I paged through our copy of our portfolio the other day, just to make sure it still speaks from my heart. (Well, our hearts, but since I did 98% of the actual work putting it together -- not to discredit DH and DS, who were very helpful in picking out pictures since I wanted to include every.single.one...) It does. I thought maybe looking at it with fresh eyes would help me see something I could change to make it "better"; other than maybe updating a few pictures since DS has grown about another two feet since the portfolio was put together (slight exaggeration!), I couldn't find anything that jumped out as needing to be changed. I was kind of hoping to find something big that I'd previously missed, something that will make an expectant parent drop everything and say Oh my gosh, yes, THIS is The Family for my unborn baby! Yeah, but it doesn't work that way. It was a gentle reminder that everything happens in God's time and according to His plan. Our portfolio is as perfect as it can be, and when "our" expectant mom sees it, it will be perfect in her eyes, as well.

But, until that happens...

:)

I guess I could back up a second and tell you how I almost had something to report. About a month or so ago, we got an email from our caseworker about an expectant mom from another region of our agency's service area, who was looking for a specific kind of family for her unborn baby. I won't go into details, but we did fit the basic requirements specified in the email, and our caseworker asked if it was alright to show her our info. (The email went out to many different families, I'm almost sure; it was BCC'ed so I don't know how many. But that's irrelevant.) I'll admit it -- my hopes were up. I just felt that this was going to be It, that we were going to meet "our" birthmom. There were some issues, but nothing we felt we couldn't handle -- in fact, the details we were given made me even more positive that this was going to be It, because there were some very personal circumstances to which I could relate.

Alas, we haven't heard a thing since then. Le sigh. DH tried to warn me not to get my hopes up, but I did. At least they weren't dashed, just sort of...deflated. Like a balloon. Slowly, over time. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

* * * * *

You know, or maybe you don't, for the longest time I was convinced that the one area I never wanted to work in as a nurse was OB. Given my personal history of several failed pregnancies, it was something I wanted to avoid for my own emotional well-being. From the early days of my nursing school adventure, there were girls in my classes who were going on and on about how they wanted to work in OB someday because they loved babies and blah blah blah, while I rolled my eyes and firmly maintained that I did NOT want to work with screaming moms and crying babes. Not then, not ever. I absolutely dreaded our OB clinical rotations; on one level I was afraid of inducing an emotionally-instigated anxiety attack, and for another, I didn't ever want to work in OB, so why bother?!

Even when I survived my first day of OB clinicals (during which I got to be there from admission to delivery, holding the mom's leg while she pushed and being one of the first people on earth to see this brand-new person make their entrance into the world) without even the faintest sign of a breakdown, I stood firm. I remember that passing phrase, "I could see myself doing this!", going through my head at one point. (Disclaimer: in nursing school, I had that thought at some point in EVERY clinical rotation!) Yet I still stood firm: OB wasn't for me. Moms yelling their heads off, nervous new parents, fragile and totally dependent newborn people...nope. Not my cup of tea. Not even when I practically aced all of the exams in those chapters with VERY little studying. Nope. Not gonna do it.

So, when I got hired as an RN at my hospital, I still maintained that I would do med-surg, and eventually one day, ER. But not OB. I was a part-time nurse working full-time hours and waiting (im)patiently for a full-time position to open up. It took about a year and a half, but then a full-time position opened up: nights in OB. I'd never worked an overnight shift before then, and you might already have an idea about my aspirations to work in OB. But I did want a full-time position, so I searched my heart and soul and decided, OK; I'll try OB, since it's apparently my ticket to a full-time position. It can't be that bad! And I did ace all those exams, probably for a good reason, so...

Here I am, 2 years later, still working in OB. (Well, I mainly work in med-surg and recently started working in the ER as well, but that's only because our little hospital doesn't get many deliveries.) I love OB! Not in that starry-eyed, "oh I get to work with babies and babies are the cutest things ever" kind of way. It's difficult to explain; I just feel like that is where I belong. And other people have told me the same thing. It's kind of weird. But, I digress; there is a point to all of this.

Just over two years ago, I started working in OB. Our two-year "wait" anniversary will be in September. See what I'm getting at? If I thought working in OB would be a challenge after going through so many failed pregnancies, I wouldn't be lying to say I was terrified to see what it would be like while waiting to be matched with an expectant mom. It was hard enough seeing all these healthy people repeatedly doing what I could only do once out of seven tries, and making it look easy. Actually, it wasn't even that hard, because when I'm at work with a patient, I get in the RN zone and my personal life and experiences don't play into that at all. Because I'm a professional, yo. :) And that about sums up why it hasn't been nearly the challenge I thought it would be. I found a strength in myself I didn't know I had: the ability to put my own heartache and pain aside and take care of others.

The same holds true now that we're doing the Big Wait. I see happy couples become new parents, and there is so much love and confidence in their situations that it genuinely warms my heart. I was afraid I'd be struck by jealousy, but I'm not. I was afraid I'd just want to take every single baby home, but I don't, because I know they are born into loving homes and are in the best possible place they could be.

Except when they're not. When there is even the slightest doubt that everyone is not "on board" with the daunting task of parenthood, it is a little more difficult. When you are leery of sending a brand-new defenseless human out of your grasp and into a world of utmost uncertainty, and you have that nagging gut feeling that won't leave you alone...it is a little more difficult. When you hear in the news about the horrible things that some parents (or friends and family of parents) can do in a moment of anger to a brand-new defenseless human, and you realize that there is no way at all to predict who is going to snap...or when...it makes being an OB nurse a little more difficult, and being a mom-waiting-to-be-matched a LOT more difficult.

I consider myself extremely fortunate that, 99% of the time, it's not difficult. :)

Alright, time for me to fly. The dogs are whining to be fed, and I've got to take my "little" (6ft 3in) boy out to get some shorts that actually fit him and his too-tall self.

Thanks for reading, and for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. <3

Not funny.

2014-04-01T13:16:00.001-06:00

It's April Fool's Day, which means FB is brimming with fake pregnancy announcements. I try to remind myself that these people mean no harm...

I just wanted to share this excellent post before I crawl back into my shell until tomorrow.

Thanks.

570 days, but who's counting?!?

2014-03-31T15:10:00.000-06:00

It's been 18 months and 22 days since our home study (which is what I consider "day one" of The Big Wait, in retrospect). I won't lie -- sometimes it makes me want to scream. Although we were told to expect to wait a while, I will admit that I didn't think we'd be waiting this long. Because, you know, everyone has that little voice of hope (or irrationality or whatever you want to call it) inside of them that says, That might be the 'normal' wait, but we're going to beat the odds! Or, as I like to call it, the Why be normal?!? theory.

When we were finalizing our home study, and our case worker was telling us that we'd have to renew our foster care license in two years, I remember thinking, "We won't have to renew in two years because we'll be in post-placement by then!" Ha, ha, ha. I still hold out hope that we will be in post-placement by then, but "then" is only ~~six~~ five months away. Our case worker came back from maternity leave last month, and gave us the update that there had been no activity with our portfolio in the three months prior. I was kind of devastated. She softened the blow with something along the lines that we shouldn't be worried because it hasn't been "very long" and blah blah blah. I'll be the first one to verbalize that this is all in God's timing and not ours, and that we know it's going to happen sometime but have no idea when, and all that. But sometimes I just feel like I'm going to burst. We've been waiting patiently for 81 weeks and counting; I'm ready for our break, already!

Yeah...I know it doesn't work that way. I know it will happen when it's meant to happen and not a moment sooner. I know that, when it is all said and done and we're actually in post-placement, this tortuous waiting time will be just another blink of the eye of the past. But until then, I need to vent every so often or I'm gonna 'splode.

So I will try not to think about how I've now lost track of the number of people I know in real life who have become pregnant and given birth in the last 81 weeks, because that makes me feel jealous, and I don't like feeling jealous. I will try not to question whether I should have tried to treat my uterine fibroids and severe endometriosis with something less drastic than a hysterectomy in the hopes that if I still had a uterus, maybe I still would've been able to get pregnant, because that makes me feel regretful, and I don't like feeling regretful. I will try not to wonder if our portfolio was "too much" of something or "not enough" of something else and that is why people are looking at it but not choosing us, because I poured my heart and soul into those pages and I know in my heart of hearts that it says exactly what it needs to say to the right person. Because I know this isn't about finding just any person, it's about finding the right person.

Often times, well-intentioned people ask us if we've considered routes other than open domestic adoption. I know they mean well; I know they're just trying to help, because the idea of waiting 81 weeks and counting for something is hard to fathom. I would do the same thing. So to those people I reply, we have considered other options. Before we went to our first informational meeting about open domestic adoption, we considered many other options (foster-to-adopt, international adoption, surrogacy, etc...). We talked about them, prayed about them, discussed the pros and cons of alternate routes, and in the end we reached the same conclusion. And here we are. Had we gone another route, we might have another child by now...but, for our own very personal reasons, we chose this route on our journey -- and we stand firmly behind that decision. It's hard to explain that our journey isn't about adding another child to our family as quickly as possible (although the fact that we didn't start this journey until our DS was 14 years old should be a glaring clue...). It goes much deeper than that. All that being said, I still love it when people ask if we've heard anything new lately, and I eagerly await the day when my answer will be something other than, "No, nothing yet." :)

In other news... well, since the last time I wrote in here, DS celebrated his 16th birthday, completed behind-the-wheel training, and is now a licensed driver! Scary? You betcha!! Not because of his driving; I did teach him a fair amount of what he knows, so I know that he's a good, level-headed, careful driver. (Sometimes too careful -- he lost points on his exam for going too far under the speed limit! Just like his Mom. I was like that at first, too. Heh.) But scary because I know for a fact that it's not usually things under your control that cause accidents. And scary because it's a definite step toward grown-upedness, which coincides with realizing we're old enough to have a child that's getting closer to being a grown-up. There's this whole big paradigm shift when your child no longer needs you to chauffeur him around from place to place...it's like this whole block in your schedule opens up, and instead of getting out of bed to drive the kid to school in your pajamas on your day off, you get to stay in bed and wake up only enough to acknowledge him when he knocks on your door to tell you he's leaving. It's strange. For 16 years, one of my primary jobs has been making sure the child gets to where he needs to be when he needs to be there, and now, he can do that himself. It's a milestone, for sure.

Anyway...I guess that's about all for now. As always, I hope to have more interesting updates soon! Until then, please keep our family, and all of the other waiting families out there, in your thoughts and prayers. And also pray for the families of the ones who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and not sure what to do about it... pray that they will realize that there are families like us "out there" who are waiting with every ounce of patience we can muster, to help them in their times of need. Let them know they're not alone. Let them know they just need to reach out, and He will lead them to us.

See ya next time!

Another year over, a new one's just begun...

2014-01-04T12:05:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year!! And since I missed it, Happy (belated) Thanksgiving and Merry (belated) Christmas, too.

I seemed to be lacking in the so-called "Christmas Spirit" this year, and I'm not exactly sure why. I barely decorated the house...put our little Charlie-Brown tree in the window (and I can't even take credit for that, because I delegated that task to DS), taped the Christmas cards to the wall as they arrived, and got the red shiny tablecloth out on Christmas Eve. I didn't even put any lights up in the windows this year, which is always my favorite part of decorating. I guess it's not so bad, though...when I decide it's time to un-decorate, I have about five minutes' worth of deconstruction to do. And I will probably delegate that to DS, because I don't like going into the cave-like basement. Happy Holidays!!! :)

In adoption news...nothing new to report. Absolutely, positively, NOTHING. I don't even have any updates from our case worker, because she's been out on maternity leave since the beginning of November. (The irony of having an adoption case worker who is out on maternity leave has not escaped me.) There is someone taking her place, of course, but I haven't contacted that person because I'm sure they're very busy, doing their own job and trying to cover for our worker as well.

I don't know if it's just because it's a new year, which makes me feel like wiping the old one off the books and gives me a new sense of hope in "starting new", but I feel like this is going to be a good year. For one thing, it's the Chinese Year of the Horse. Horses are my favorite animals; thus, I'm taking that as a sign. (On a side note, DH, DS and I were all born in Years of the Tiger, or how ever that should be worded.) It would be just perfect if our next child was born in the Year of the Horse. The next Tiger year is 2022, so, yeah...

Another thing is, I've had this undeniable urge to go baby furniture shopping lately. I mean, more than usual. :) I'll admit, at first I was all gung-ho for it, and couldn't wait to go pick out cribs and bedding and car seats and all that. But then, the novelty faded and so did the urge to shop. But suddenly, it's picked up again. I want to get the room fixed up. I would suppose this is almost like nesting, but I'm only speculating because I never had the nesting instinct before I birthed DS. Well, if I did, it was probably buried in the fact that we moved to a new house two weeks before he was born!

But the one big thing that stuck out for me, is that one morning when I was drifting off to sleep (remember, I work mostly overnights...), I was bouncing around in that state of semi-consciousness, where your rambling thoughts start to meld with your dreamy-time thoughts and disorientation takes over before pulling you away to solemn slumber, when suddenly and vividly, a series of numbers popped into my head. I could see them, larger than life, and heard my inner voice repeating them over and over. I tried to dismiss it as a dreamy-time thing at first, but it wouldn't go away. All I could hear was my internal voice repeating the set of numbers, over and over. I was shocked back into awakedness, it was so vivid and urgent; and when I was fully conscious, it was clear that the numbers could easily be a date and time. I wrote them down (well, typed them into a note on my smartphone, which is the technologically-advanced equivalent of writing things down for me) and as soon as I had done so, the sense of urgency passed and I was able to get back to sleep quickly.

I'm not going to share what those numbers were, though. Sorry! I just don't want to obsess over it. (Too late!!!) I mean, and I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I could be overreacting. :) It was just so in-my-face, and I've been praying for a sign or something, and I don't want to assume that was a sign but, yeah. I'll quit rambling now.

My point being, I have a good feeling about this year. Maybe this will be the year our birthmother needs us. I can only continue to hope and pray, and ask our friends and other loved ones to do the same!

In other news...nothing much to report there, either. I'm so tired of winter already that I'm not even going to talk about how our high temperature on Monday is supposed to be in the negative double digits (Fahrenheit), or how it was 20ºF this morning when we got up and that actually felt WARM. I've been working a lot, DH has been working a lot, DS is doing well in school and band and choir and everything else in which he's involved. Speaking of DS, he turns 16 in a week from Monday. Can you believe that craziness?! I'm not old enough to have a 16-year-old. ;) He's a busy sophomore, that's for sure. And tall!! The child is 6ft 2in now, and still has some growing to do. DH is just a smidge under 6 feet tall and I'm only 5ft 5in. I never really considered myself "short"...my Mom and sister are both around 5ft 3in'ish, so compared to them I was The Tall One...so this is a new experience for me. :)

Well, I wish I had more to share right now, but I just don't. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...one of these days we'll get that call, I just know it!!!

53 weeks and counting!

2013-09-19T10:00:00.001-05:00

Every time I see someone post something on FB about how far along they are in their pregnancies, I want to interject that I'm in my 53rd week of expectancy...and my mood swings, while perhaps not entirely hormonally-based, are definitely nothing to joke about!

Anyway...I don't have much in the way of news to report from this end. We hit our One Year mark last week without fanfare. The occasion was marked by receiving another mini-packet of forms to fill out for our agency (updated background checks, health report forms, and a request for updated proof of home/auto insurance) and an email from our caseworker informing us that it's time for another review. Yay!

So we wait, and we wait. And we pray. Actually, I was talking about "the wait" with DS the other morning while driving him to school. I was wondering if this is something he thinks about every day...I know I do, and I'm pretty sure DH does, but I can imagine how it might not be at the forefront of a busy high school sophomore's mind. He pretty much confirmed that for me. I guess I would've been more surprised if he told me it was something he thought about every day.

I had a "moment" yesterday... I'm way past the point now where my heart skips a beat when the phone rings, although if the number shows up on the Caller ID as "unknown" or "private", it might skip a quarter beat or two. Likewise if it shows up as a number within our state but either unknown or one I don't recognize. Well, yesterday we got a call that was identified only as being from the city where our caseworker's office is located...which is rather unusual for us. My heart did skip a beat or two, and for a few looooong seconds I was convinced that there was no one else on earth who would be calling us from that city.

I'm sure you've figured out by now that there was, in fact, someone else on earth from that city who would've been calling us. Most disappointing phone call, EVER. Sigh...and back to the waiting game.

Well, I hope this is enough of an update, because I don't feel like I can stretch "nothing" out much longer right now. Marching band season is upon us, and I wanted to get an update posted here before the whirlwind hits. I hope I have exciting news to post soon...

Nine months and counting!

2013-06-23T20:16:00.001-05:00

It has occurred to me, on more than one occasion lately, that if we were doing this the "normal" way (for lack of a better term, as I certainly do NOT want to imply that adoption or anything other than getting pregnant ourselves and giving birth to our own child is abnormal), the "waiting to see what the baby will be like" part of our journey would be almost over now. I'd have my hospital bag packed and ready to go, the nursery would be all set up and awaiting new occupancy, the phone/text list would be at the ready, I'd be visiting my doctor weekly and hoping for big changes, and it would be obvious to the world that our lives were about to change forever.

Obviously, none of that is the case. I don't have a bag packed and ready to go (although I know I can get one packed quickly if we should need to take off for the other side of the state on short notice). The nursery is definitely not set up, unless you count the fact that there are a couple of baskets of baby things up there along with a stack of blankets I've crocheted in the last nine months, and a pack-n-play is sitting, unassembled, in the corner (although the crib is still in pieces in the pole barn!). We don't really have a phone/text list, although I do have a list in my head of who we will notify and roughly in what order when we finally get The Call. Instead of seeing my doctor every week, I get an email from our caseworker every three months, checking in to see if there are any big changes in our lives. So it's similar, but not quite the same. And, unless you know me personally enough to know what's going on, there aren't any outwardly obvious signs that we're expecting.

I love it when people ask me if there is any news yet. No, really; I do! I just wish I could take away the sad looks I get when I say, "No, nothing yet." I'm not sad about it. Well, I'm usually not sad about it. :) The thing is, I'm not expecting we'll get much in the way of "news" until it actually happens -- and by "it actually happens" I'm referring to our being matched with a birthmom. We don't receive automatic updates whenever someone has looked at our portfolio -- although I do ask our caseworker every three months if there has been any activity in that respect. I don't know what to say in answer to that question, other than "No, nothing yet." But I can't tell you how much I appreciate that people actually keep asking! :)

So, we're still waiting. At our last review a few weeks ago, I found out that our portfolio had been looked at again, so, yay!! Nothing came of it, but at least it's getting looked at. I pulled out my color-copy of it the other day and looked at it again, for the first time in a loooooong time. I couldn't help but look at it with way more scrutiny than I ever have before, wondering if my tone and wording weren't right, or if I'd chosen the wrong pictures, or something...trying desperately to find whatever is "wrong" with it that would make people look at it but not choose us. I know, of course, that it's nothing to do with the portfolio. That thing is a creation directly from my heart, so it is most certainly and without a doubt "us", and therefore nothing is "wrong" with it, it's just that our birthmom hasn't seen it yet. But I had to peruse it again, just in case.

In other news...not much. Just enjoying summer now that it's finally here, trying to keep up with gardening and yard work and house work, and keeping the boy entertained for the summer. Can't believe he's a sophomore already! He starts driver's ed in a few weeks...*shudder*. Speaking of the boy, he and the hubby are headed out to the east coast right now with a group of kids and a few adults from church for the youth mission trip. They'll be on the Jersey short, helping with post-Sandy clean-up. I wanted to go, but wasn't able to get the time off from work; hopefully next year I can join them! I've got an exciting week planned without them -- insert sarcasm here. Unless you consider "working every day" exciting.

Oh, well. Just gotta keep hanging in there and believing!

Until next time...

All other ground is sinking sand...

2013-05-13T09:26:00.001-05:00

From Merriam-Webster:

Definition of HOPE:

intransitive verb

: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>

archaic : trust

transitive verb

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

: to expect with confidence : trust

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In case you couldn't tell (and looking back on it, I'm not so sure you could), I was pretty depressed when I wrote my last entry. Sometimes it just seems like things have a way of piling up and crashing down on you at the worst possible moment, ya know? I'd say it was the culmination of a number of things -- waiting to move forward in this process, a winter that seemed like it would never end, losing one of my best dogs ever, and other personal matters which I will probably not mention here -- that made me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I knew I needed to do something, and quickly; staying in bed all day on my days off wasn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure!

I did something I realized I hadn't done in a few weeks or more: I stopped and prayed. Now, I didn't grow up in a church-going household; I never learned Bible stories when I was little, I was never taught "how" to pray. It was just something I started doing on my own, having little "discussions" with God inside my own head. I didn't ever wonder if it was "right" or not, because I figured that it must be right, since it came to me so naturally. Anywho, it occurred to me last weekend that I hadn't done that in a long time . . . too long. So I got back in touch with God, and suddenly, the storms raging inside my poor little head began to clear. I felt like smacking myself upside the head and going, "DUHHHHH!!!" I am feeling better. I am feeling more hopeful, more optimistic, less like staying in bed and hiding from the world all day. It's a wonderful feeling!!

Well, last week I received word from one of the other couples we went through adoption classes with, that they have been chosen by a birthmom and are awaiting the arrival of a baby boy at the end of this month! I have to admit, when I first heard that, I was jealous. Very, very jealous. "Why them and not us?" and so on. Thankfully, that didn't last long, and a short time later I was filled with nothing but honest-to-goodness happiness for them. In fact, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I was so jealous at first, but I'm only human, so I'm putting it out there as it stands. Besides, it fills me with hope, this knowledge that "someone from our group" is moving forward! Not that it's any indication of when our turn will come up, of course; we're not on a numbered sort of waiting list, but are all on common ground with no one having a better chance of being "next" than anyone else. I really am so very happy for this new family, and am praying that things work out for the best. And I continue to pray for those of us who are still waiting, and especially for our birthmothers . . . just imagine, there are women out there who have no idea yet that we are waiting patiently to meet them. It boggles the mind.

Anyway, the sun is shining and we're supposed to have summer tomorrow (seriously, it was 38ºF when I woke up this morning, and is supposed to be close to 90ºF tomorrow then back to the 70's) so I should get off the couch and get some housework done, so I can spend some quality time soaking up some vitamin D and getting some much-needed yardwork done tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Things to do while waiting...

2013-05-04T16:54:00.002-05:00

From the July/August 1999 issue of Adoptive Families, as presented to us in our packet of adoption-related paperwork during our educational classes last fall:

10 Tips to Pass the Time

1. Read.
2. Keep a journal; it's a great way to express what you really feel. Begin with "I remember" and write any memory you can think of.
3. Indulge in a hobby.
4. Go for walks--morning or evening. Choose a color and notice how many times you see it.
5. Write letters.
6. Organize your photos.
7. Learn something new. When we learn something new, we have less time to worry.
8. Visit the library. If you don't already have a card, get one.
9. Be a tourist in your own town.
10. Trust in what you love. It will take you where you want to go and get you through the waiting process.

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I haven't looked at that list for a while now (almost eight months, but who's counting?!), and I'm actually kind of surprised to see that I've been doing at least six of those already. (Seven if I can count "scrolling through lists of titles on my Kindle" as "[v]isit[ing] the library".)

I remember being warned that waiting would not be easy. "Not easy" is becoming more and more of an understatement. I'd imagined that it would be an even bigger personal challenge for me, because historically I'm not a fan of waiting. I'd imagined correctly! Patience is NOT one of my strong suits. I remember when I was pregnant with DS, I just about had a breakdown in the 6th month, because it felt like I'd been pregnant for-EVER! and that, with 3-4 months yet to go, I was going to continue to be pregnant for-EVER! . . . and that journey had a fairly clear finish line.

I don't mean to sound whiny, but waiting is hard. Some days I think I'm going to go absolutely bat-crap insane if I have to wait another day to be chosen, and other days I'm perfectly fine with not being chosen yet. Some days I can see that this is all going to happen in God's perfect timing, and other days I worry that if it doesn't happen soon, it's not going to happen at all. Some days I am secure in the knowledge that we are right where we are supposed to be and that it WILL happen and one day I will look back at these impatient days and smile (at least on the inside) when I remember how I'm feeling right now and how it all ends up fitting into the big picture; other days, that vision is a little cloudier.

Which is probably most of the reason why I haven't written in here for a while. I have absolutely nothing at all to share for updates about our adoption journey. Our six-month review has come and gone, with the news that there has been no further activity with our portfolio since those first few weeks. "Hang in there," our caseworker wrote; "it's still very early!"

In other news, though, we've been keeping busy. See the list at the top of this entry, ha, ha. In the middle of March, I was fortunate to be able to travel to New York City as a chaperone with my son and 80-some other members of his high school choir (and 20-some other adult chaperones). It was a whirlwind "vacation" starting and ending with a 20-some-hour bus ride from western Wisconsin to the east coast. We were there for four days and hit more of the big touristy things than I would have ever tried to handle on my own! I'm still amazed at how our trip coordinators managed to make maneuvering a group of 100+ people, mostly teenagers from a small farming community, look easy. We were always where we needed to be when we needed to be there, with everyone present and accounted for. I've always wanted to see NYC but didn't think I ever would, so this was really a once-in-a-lifetime trip. The kids were awesome and I believe I can safely say that a good time was had by all.

The boy has been keeping busy with school. He's getting awesome grades. Earlier this year he joined his school's first-ever winter drumline, and spent most of his Saturdays with the group, getting their show polished for competition. I'm very proud to report that, in their very first year of competition, this group took first place at state! They all worked so hard, and it was such an impressive show. The kids in this school district are so talented, it blows my mind. And I know I'm biased, but my son definitely fits into that group. He loves his music and makes the hardest pieces look so easy. He taught himself how to play the bass guitar for drumline, and now he plays bass with a group from church and also the high school jazz band. He still takes lessons every week on the "regular" guitar, and piano, and plays trombone in the high school concert band. Oh, and he sings, too. I'm a very proud momma!

I'm purposely avoiding the weather. On May 2nd, we got 12 inches of snow. Yes, that's right, a whole foot of snow. Don't mention the words "global warming" anywhere near western Wisconsin right now.

I do have some sad news to report. About 2.5 weeks ago, on April 17, we had to say "good-bye" to a beloved and cherished family member . . . our 7-year-old Boxer/Lab dog, Magnum. Long story short is that we're pretty sure he had a brain tumor. He was a much-loved member of our family, and I miss him more than I can put into words. I'm going to change the topic now, before I start crying again!

So, that's about it from us. I can't believe that the boy's freshman year of high school is almost over, or that I'm sitting here right now looking at a landscape that belongs in December, not May! The hubby and I have been hard at work at our respective jobs and keeping busy around the house, etc.

Tom Petty so eloquently wrote, "The waiting is the hardest part; every day you get one more yard. You take it on faith, you take it to the heart -- the waiting is the hardest part." I don't know what situation he was was immortalizing with those words, but they couldn't be more appropriate right now.

God grant me patience . . . but hurry!! :)

and we wait, and we wait, and we wait, and we wait....

2013-03-03T17:27:00.004-06:00

One of the definitions for "wait", according to www.Merriam-Webster.com, is: "to remain temporarily neglected or unrealized".

Yeah, that sums it up pretty nicely!

It's now March, and in addition to marking the occasion of DH's and my half-birthdays (yay?), our six-month "waiting" anniversary is just a week away. On one hand, I am looking forward to hearing from our case worker again. Not that we haven't been encouraged from day one to contact her any time we'd like, but we haven't. I know she's busy, and I don't want to take her time away from other cases just to hear that there's no progress on our case, yet. I have faith that we will hear from her in due time, and I guess that, even though it's a totally unfounded and unrational thought, I feel like we might "use up" our contact time with her, or something, if I "bug" her before it's Our Time.

I recently joined a FB group for other waiting families in our agency's program, and honestly I was disheartened at first to hear that other people have been waiting 14, 18, 20 months or more. !!!! I've been struggling not to "compare" because every case is different and yadda yadda yadda, but, yeah; six months isn't much compared to that. Sometimes waiting drives me crazy, and the thought of having to wait like this for a year or more makes me feel even more crazy. I start feeling like, I don't know how long I can do this; but then again, what choice do I have?! "Not waiting" is no longer an option. So I wait, and I wait, and work on coping mechanisms to keep myself sane (no comments as to the questionability of my sanity, please, hahahaha) for the long haul.

I've been crocheting a lot lately. I made a bunch of baby booties, and baby bibs. Too many for me to use, so I started giving some away. I've decided to start making baby booties to give to the newborns at the hospital where I work. Then I decided to make a blanket for a local fundraiser, a benefit auction for a young girl in our community who has neuroblastoma and her family. That went well (the blanket-making, that is; the benefit is next week) so I'm making another blanket, this one will be a belated shower/wedding gift for my high school best friend. Crocheting gives me something to focus on besides the fact that nothing is happening, adoption-journey-wise. And I need as much of that as I can get right now!!

I will update when I hear from our case worker for the 6-month update, if there is indeed anything to update about.

Take care and let the people you love know that you love them!!!

Month Four . . .

2013-01-05T20:08:00.000-06:00

Yep . . . we've passed the Four Month mark already and are ~~heading~~ plodding onward toward Month Five. And it's a new year! I hope everyone reading this has a happy, healthful, safe, and prosperous 2013.

In amongst the crazy busy-ness of the recent holiday season, our case worker emailed me for our 90-day review -- basically just to check in and find out if there have been any changes in our lives in the last 90 days. It took me a few days to email her back because I was working up the courage to ask her . . . oh, by the way, do you know if anyone has looked at our portfolio yet? I tried to be all sly and worked it in at the end of my response email (which was pretty short, anyway . . . no major life changes here recently . . . )

It took her a few days to respond to my response, although I'm sure it was for completely different reasons. In that email, she told me that our portfolio had indeed been looked at, about six weeks prior -- but nothing since. (And nothing of our concern obviously came from that viewing!) I felt exactly the way I'd imagined I'd feel if I found out someone had looked at our portfolio but not chosen to meet with us: totally conflicted! On one hand, I was thrilled to imagine that a potential birthmom had actually, on some level, considered us for however short of a time it ended up to be. I was thrilled that someone had read our cover letter and been like, Yes!, I want to learn more about this family! But I barely had time to start processing the happy feelings when the But, we didn't get picked thoughts started taking over.

And that's pretty how much how it's been in the last few weeks since I found this out -- when I think about it, I'm both encouraged and disappointed. Hopeful, yet I have this underlying feeling of, "Was it something I said?" It does my heart a world of good to know that someone actually looked at our portfolio, at those pages I poured my heart and soul into, and looked at so many times afterward imagining just that moment that I can still sometimes feel the exact weight of each page on my fingertips... but, I guess it's just not our time yet.

I wonder about the woman (I'm assuming) who looked at our portfolio. Who was she? Where does she live? What's her story? Who did she end up choosing? I'll never know, of course. All I know is that she wasn't Our Birthmother. If she was, I wouldn't be writing about how we're still waiting to hear from her. ;)

So . . . that's where we are now. Recovering from the busy holiday season and settling in to make it through another Midwest winter. We were so spoiled last year with barely any snow, which is probably why we got about 20" in our first snowfall of the season last month! Oh, well. It's not so bad once you get used to it. Not saying we haven't fantasized about moving south more than we care to admit recently, but, you know. The weather is a huge topic around here -- if we didn't have such extremes, most of us wouldn't have any conversation starters. Heh.

In somewhat-related news, my baby boy turns 15 years old in one week!! I can't believe it. He's been growing by leaps and bounds lately. He's been taller than me for quite some time, but now he's closing in on DH as well. I am continually amazed at how quickly this child has grown . . . not that he's grown yet, he's just so dang tall and, you know, will be legally old enough to operate a motor vehicle on public roads shortly (after receiving the appropriate instruction, of course!). My baby boy, old enough to drive . . . wow. Does NOT seem possible. Considering that just today I was mistaken for my husband's daughter instead of his wife, I definitely do NOT feel old enough to have a driving teenager. :P

And on that note, I shall sign off for now. Tonight I pray for those lucky families who have been "chosen" recently, and for those of us who are still waiting!

Public expectations and such.

2012-12-04T13:20:00.003-06:00

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard by now that Prince William and Princess Kate are expecting their first baby, and that Princess Kate is in the hospital being treated for a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). HG, as you may or may not already know, is essentially severe morning sickness. Not to lighten the severity of the condition in any way, shape, or form, because it is serious business; we're talking dehydration and malnutrition, neither of which are good things for a growing fetus, as well as misery for the expectant Mom. On a personal note, I had "pretty bad" morning sickness when I was pregnant with DS. I was nauseated 24/7 for the first four or five months or so and was subject to the involuntary and abrupt emptying of my GI contents on a moment's notice or less. And even though I actually lost 15 pounds during the first trimester because of that, I was able to stay hydrated and nourished, and able to continue working and taking care of the dogs and the house for the most part during that time. It went away for me by the second half of my pregnancy and everything turned out fine. But that was just "pretty bad" morning sickness, which I'd imagine is about 1/1000th of what it's like to have HG. My heart goes out to her and to all women who are dealing with or have dealt with HG.

This news, however, brings up a topic that I felt like writing about today. It's something I've dealt with for so long on my own, because it's just one of those things people don't talk about. And if you've never had the misfortune of dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss, I'm only guessing that it's something that would never even cross your mind. But if you have, you know where I'm going with this when I say that it's still hard to hear about "public pregnancies". It's a sore subject, so bear with me here while I try to do a little advocacy.

In case you didn't already know, women (and probably men, too, but since I'm speaking from my own heart here, I can only represent the ladies) who are dealing with these kinds of issues can tend to be a little . . . sensitive. Obviously, we know that most women in the world are NOT infertile and have no issues reproducing whatsoever, so we know we can't get away from hearing about other people's pregnancies and newborns and kids and all that. And don't get me wrong, because in our hearts we truly are happy for those people and wish them nothing but the best. It's just that jealousy can be a difficult thing to manage sometimes. Infertility is unfair. Being women, we're prone to constantly double- and triple-think things through anyway, but believe me when I say the "Why not me?" path is a bitch to have to deal with. It's hard, and it hurts, to admit that there is nothing at all we can do to change our bodies and the way they're functioning (or in this case, dysfunctioning). And although we know "the world" doesn't mean it that way, sometimes it feels like "the world" is rubbing our noses in the fact that we can't perform the one physical accomplishment that differentiates females from males.

(Don't get me started on "16 and Pregnant" or "Teen Mom"!!)

I struggled down the "Why not me?" path for a long, long time. I can talk about it now, because I'm not on that path anymore; oh, sometimes it will come up as a fleeting thought, usually as a result of hearing something on the news or reading something in the paper and usually something far removed from my personal life, but it's not crippling anymore. I know now that it's not because of me or who I am or what I've done in my past -- it's just biology. "Shit happens" is a less eloquent way to put it, but still gets the point across. Besides, I know now that I have other redeeming qualities that far overshadow the fact that I can't physically reproduce anymore.

When I heard on the news this morning about Princess Kate, I didn't feel an iota of "Why not me?" -- but this topic came to mind because I was thinking about all the other women out there who aren't past that stage yet, whose hearts are hurting with the news of this very public event for any of a wide variety of reasons. I've been there. I can relate. But I can also testify that it is possible to get "over" that, to work through it and reach a point where you can accept that you don't meet certain "standards" (for lack of a better word), but that doesn't mean you're any less important or less valuable to the world.

And also, since I've brought up the topic of infertility, I can't neglect to mention that not all adoptive families choose adoption because of infertility. There are many reasons people choose to adopt. Infertility might be one of the most common reasons (but don't hold me to that, because I haven't researched it or anything) but it is by far NOT the only reason. Adoption is nothing if not an act of love -- pure, unselfish, unadulterated, inexplicable love. It is doing something solely for the benefit of the most innocent and helpless among us. It's hard to define a "reason" to adopt (or to bless a child with an adoptive family) because it's so much more than that. It's not really something you "decide" to do -- it's more of a calling. I didn't realize how true that is until we became more involved in the process, and I wish that other people would realize it, too.

On that note, I feel like I've gone off on about fifty different tangents here, so I'll wrap it up and get back to thinking about pre-Christmas-decorating-house-cleaning on my unexpected day off. Love and peace to you and yours!!

Closing in on Month 3...

2012-11-29T11:26:00.002-06:00

Okay, I think I'm getting this "patience" thing down pretty darn well. I don't jump when the phone rings, I don't act on the urges to go out and buy tons of baby things (although there are some darn cute things out there that I'm looking forward to having for our next child), and I haven't even started assembling the nursery yet. The hubby occasionally reminds me that we've only been waiting for almost three months now, "which is nothing considering how many people wait years for a match". Yeah, yeah, yeah; I know. It's always at the forefront of my mind, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of carrying on with life que usuel despite the fact that any minute now one of these days, we will get a phone call that will change our lives forever.

So I'm trying to be patient, and also trying not to worry. I'm not usually a worrywart, but there is just so much to worry about right now! I worry that it will take us years to be matched. I worry about how we will all adjust to the changes that will be forced upon us once we add a baby to our mix. I worry about how we will work out a suitable arrangement with the birthmother/family. I worry about how the boy will react to not being the only child anymore. I worry that I won't have enough strength to parent two children at opposite ends of the "childhood" spectrum. I worry about losing sleep. I worry about whether my Tahoe will last long enough to be used as a family vehicle (since it would take some pretty creative acrobatics to use a car seat in the Monte Carlo, and since the minivan has been commandeered for plumbing side job purposes, and since the hubby says we can't get a new Camaro "because you can't put a car seat in a Camaro!" which I'd like to take as a personal challenge). I worry about what to do about work after we "have" a baby. I worry that this will never happen. I worry that it will happen too soon. I worry that I'm worrying too much. I worry that I'm not worrying enough.

Usually not, though. For the most part, I'm able to let it be (Let Go and Let God, remember?) and carry on with life already in progress. Honestly, I don't think about it much until people ask me how things are going. I feel bad that I have to say, "No, nothing yet...". Trust me, I cannot wait for the day when I will have a different answer -- in fact, you probably won't even have to ask me first!

Well, as National Adoption Awareness Month draws to a close, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has anything at all to do with keeping the miracle that is adoption alive and well. May we all continue to be "adoption awareness" advocates the other eleven months of the year, too . . .

November is National Adoption Awareness Month :)

2012-11-06T13:47:00.002-06:00

And, apparently, November 17th is National Adoption Day.

And, we've now officially been "on the books" for two months. Or "on the waiting list", if you prefer. I prefer "on the books". The term "waiting list" implies that we're just, you know, waiting for our number to come up. Which isn't exactly untrue, but it also implies that our wait is as simple as checking names off of a list, and when our name is at the top of the list, our wait will be over. That seems to be a common misconception, so I think I'll go with "on the books" from now on.

Nothing new to report on our end. I still entertain the idea of calling our case worker to see if there's been any, you know, "activity" with our portfolios . . . but I haven't. (And, of course, by "calling" I really mean "emailing".) I was hoping I'd be immune to the ringing-induced tachycardia I had heard so much about in hopeful adoptive families, but that does not seem to be the case; my heart does, indeed, speed up with anticipation every time the dang phone rings. Which is often, because every political group under the sun seems to have our phone number this election season. I think I reach my target heart rate at least half a dozen times per day!

I've put Operation: Lactation Initiation on hold for the time being. Don't get me wrong, I am greatly encouraged by the small amount of success I had based on how intermittently I was making whole-hearted, honest attempts at pumping on a regular basis; I am still fully committed to this end and I plan on getting back to it once we are, you know, "closer". :)

As for the so-called "rest of our lives", nothing new to report there, either! Wow, I wonder if I should even post this entry . . . it's so full of nothing! It doesn't help that today is a cold, grey, dreary, rainy day and I'm feeling like Eeyore is my kindred spirit and I'm fighting the urge to go take a nap because it's just such a perfect day for napping!

In summary: I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Not yet. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the other hopeful adoptive families like ours, who are waiting just as [im]patiently for "the call". This isn't going to happen in our time, it will happen in His time. God is in control. It will happen when it's meant to happen, and not a moment sooner (or later). These are the things I need to remember . . .

Wanna trade?

2012-10-30T09:20:00.003-06:00

I remember hearing (or reading) once, or maybe a few times, somewhere (but I don't remember where) that if most people were given the choice to trade their "problems" with someone else's, most people would choose to keep their own "problems". There was something about if everyone could throw their problems in a pile together and choose any other set of problems they'd like, they'd end up taking back their own. I probably jumbled that somehow; it's just what I do. (For that reason, I can't tell a joke to save my life, and I'm not so good at telling stories, either!)

I've been thinking about that concept, though -- and isn't it just the truth?! Not only because most of us aren't aware of most of the problems that weigh heavily on the hearts of our friends, neighbors, co-workers, or even family members, but also because, well, we just kind of get used to dealing with our own problems. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right? (Although I'm not always so sure about that one!) Everything that happens is part of His plan for us. We couldn't really take on someone else's problems, but it's a good reminder of perspective, as well. Everyone, I believe, is fighting their own battle against something.

This weekend, I got hit with another episode of oh my gosh, this is taking forever, I don't think it's ever going to happen, why haven't we been chosen yet, I thought our portfolio was super awesome, was there something wrong with the pictures I chose, or did I have "too much" God in our portfolio, or are we too overweight, or did I put too much emphasis on the boy? What if it's not meant to happen after all; I mean, it's not unheard of for families to go through all of this and then have something happen that makes them completely withdraw from the program, what if that happens to us, what could possibly happen that would make us do that NEVER MIND I don't want to think about that . . . but . . . we're not getting any younger, were we crazy to think we should do this? Do young unwed teenage girls even consider adoption anymore??

And then the hubby reminds me that we haven't even been waiting for two months yet, really. It feels like it's been much longer, since getting to the point where we had jumped through all the hoops and would be waiting to be chosen by a birthmom was on our "to-do" list since November of LAST year But really, it hasn't been very long. It's been almost seven weeks. That's nothing. Right? No time at all. But I'm starting to occasionally get that panicky feeling, not unlike when I was pregnant and also when I was in labor with the boy, when I was starting to think -- I don't know how much more of this I can take, and there's still no end in sight!! But I can't get an epidural to take the edge off the anguish this time (and actually, I couldn't get one last time, either -- with the boy, I had what I now know is called 'precipitous labor' -- but that's a story for another time). There's no concrete reassurance this time, no one to step in when I feel like I'm about to break and say, "Oh, you've made wonderful progress! You are [exactly this close] to the end!"

I know, I know; go ahead and laugh. Life doesn't work that way, I know. I've always struggled with patience. I'm the kid who couldn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve and wanted to be up at 2am Christmas morning to see what was in my stocking; I just couldn't stand waiting until 6am to wake my sister up so we could go downstairs together. (I don't know now why I didn't just go downstairs anyway . . . everyone else was sound asleep, I totally could have pulled it off!) I have a history of not being able to sleep the night before big events take place . . . weddings, showers, parties, exams, etc. Part of the reason nursing school was hell for me was because it just took so long (two years full-time, plus two years of part-time classes prior to that . . . plus me waiting until I was in my 30's to start . . . )

In my heart of hearts, I know that there is a lesson for me in all of this. Just as finishing nursing school taught me to have some patience and a ton of perseverance, and to work through big problems a little bit at a time . . . this waiting game is teaching me to have even more patience, and faith. I have to trust in the Lord with all of my might, because I have absolutely nothing else to trust in right now. There is no earthly guarantee that this adoption thing is even going to happen, no living person who can look me in the eye and say, without a doubt, "YES, this will happen, and I know when, but I'm not going to tell you." Only God can tell me that, and I believe He does, and bless Him for putting up with me even when I get impatient and stamp my feet and sigh dramatically and throw myself at His feet and beg him relentlessly to please make it happen soon!! No one else can console me when I start whining, "What if it doesn't happen, after all of this?" Oh yes, I am definitely getting a lesson in what it means to have faith! I mean, I thought I had faith before, but now . . . wow. Just wow.

So . . . while we're waiting . . . I've been keeping busy with some crocheting projects. I bought a big skein of baby yarn, and haven't decided yet what to make with it. I'm thinking an afghan, but, we'll see. I'm not in a rush to start that one. I also started making an afghan for my son's room, in his school colors (red, black and white); I was originally making it for me to use next year when we go to football games and marching band competitions (I quickly learned this year that having blankets with is a VERY good idea, those bleachers get cold especially once the sun goes down!), but decided that it would look better in his room instead. Besides, and here's something you might not already know about me, I'm a blanket hog. I just love blankets and probably have about fifty begillion of them. Alright, that's a slight exaggeration, but, I do have a hard time passing up a good blanket. And I have an even harder time getting rid of them once I've bought them. They're just so versatile! You can't go wrong with a good blanket.

All this talk of blankets is making me yearn to get upstairs and under the ones on my bed. I worked the night (as in overnight) shift last night, so it's just about my bedtime now, even though most of the civilized world is probably on it's 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee already. Hey . . . someone's gotta keep the world running while the rest of you are sleeping. ;)

Take care, and God bless!! And ask Him to send me some more patience, if you don't mind, please and thank you.

No news is . . .

2012-10-19T19:15:00.002-05:00

. . . exactly as stated: no news.

The end!

:)

Sometimes I feel like posting a long, blank entry, just to give you an idea of how waiting feels: like a blank page just waiting to be filled. Believe me, I wish I had more to write about on a daily or otherwise more-often-than-I-have-been basis. I suppose I could write about the so-called "rest of our lives", i.e. how life is going on despite (or maybe in spite of?) the fact that we're waiting patiently for a call that hasn't come yet. But since you're probably reading this from the link I'll be posting on my Facebook page shortly, you probably already have a good idea of what's been happening. :) And, it's been effectively keeping my mind off of The Big Wait, most of the time. Which is good -- not like you need me to point that out to you -- but if I had nothing to do but sit around and wait, I'd be waiting from the Funny Farm right now, trying to type with my feet since my hands would be bound in a straight jacket.

But, I digress!!

I love it when people tell me that they've had dreams about our future addition! I should have started keeping a tally of boy dreams vs. girl dreams. :) Or twins vs. singletons. :O Hahaha! I certainly am not going to rely on the "hidden messages" in my own dreams -- they're as confusing as anything. This week, the baby I dreamt of was a girl. Last week, a boy. The week before that, a teenager. My dreams are inundated with different ways of us having another child, as they have been for as long as I can remember, only this time I don't feel sad when I awaken and realize it was just a dream; this time it gives me a sense of inner happiness because I know that, one day, it will be true.

Operation: Lactation Initiation continues on a slow but steady path. Last week I didn't pump for pretty much the whole week, as I was busy with work and then out of town with DS' high school marching band, and at this point I'm not so dedicated that I'm pumping around the clock or no matter where we are, yet. I do try to keep a regular schedule when I'm at home and it's convenient. This week I've been pretty consistent most days. There's still not enough to nourish a tiny new human, but there's more than there was last week!

Other than that, life goes on. Every time the phone rings and the caller ID comes up with "Unknown Number", I hope that it's The Call and not another political call . . . but so far I've been wrong, every single time. My heart doesn't even skip a beat when the phone rings anymore. I guess that's one way of teaching me to be patient!

Last weekend, while riding across the great state of Wisconsin on a coach bus, I found myself scanning the vast landscape before me and wondering where she is . . . our birthmom. We passed so many towns, it was easy to imagine that she's out there somewhere.

In our adoption education class, we were warned (for lack of a better word) that once word got out, we'd start hearing from all kinds of well-intentioned people about someone knowing someone who has a neighbor or a cousin or a niece who is pregnant and wants to give her baby up for adoption. Well, so far I've only heard two such stories. It gives me hope -- not that we'll find our birthmom through that method, but it gives me hope that there will be someone out there who decides to place her child with an adoptive family instead of parenting or having an abortion.

That's about all I've got for now. Thank you for the prayers, and please keep them coming!! Until next time, whenever that may be . . .

Retail therapy?

2012-10-09T19:01:00.003-05:00

Among other things that make me occasionally question whether I really do have two X chromosomes (like my lack of fashion sense or interest therein, my inability to decorate a room to save my life, and my general avoidance of all things pink and/or flowery), I happen to not really enjoy shopping. It's a necessary evil -- I do NOT understand people who shop just for fun. And people who go shopping on Black Friday? No way, no how! I used to work in retail -- I still have nightmares about working on Black Friday, about dealing with people driven insane by sales and lower prices. Usually those nightmares (no, I wasn't kidding!) deal with me having a looooong line of impatient customers, and being stuck in front of a register that doesn't work. There's probably something to that, but we'll save dream interpretation for another time, mmkay?

That being said, there are times when I don't hate shopping. For instance, I don't think I've ever hated shopping at IKEA. I love that place! We only go a couple times a year since it's about an hour or so away, but still . . . even when it's crazy busy, I don't mind it. Another thing I don't hate is shopping at thrift stores and, to a lesser extent, rummage sales. I think the key there is that I like finding really good deals. If I have to spend money, I want to spend as little as possible.

There's a reason I'm rambling about shopping. I officially started buying baby stuff this weekend. Well, not counting the breastpump I bought over the summer, or the crib/changing table and Pack & Play I also bought over the summer (all of the above purchased "gently used", thus at really good prices! hee hee hee). Our church's annual silent auction ended just this weekend, and a few entries ago I mentioned that I was drawn to a particular basket that had a bib with a stethoscope printed on it. It looks something like this file photo that I found via Google:

(and it doesn't say "Doctor", lol)

Well . . . I WON IT!! :) And along with this bib, I also am the proud owner of like four little infant outfits, two packages of wipes, two big things of baby lotion, one big container of baby wash, one big container of baby shampoo, a baby hair brush and comb, and a water-temperature-sensitive rubber ducky for the bathtub to make sure I don't scald my new precious cargo. Hypothetically speaking.

In other words . . . the first brand-new stuff for the baby we don't have yet.

And I feel kinda weird about it. I mean, it's kind of exciting and fun to have this tiny human stuff in my possession again, but the superstitious part of me is very hesitant to be too excited about it. I have a new pile of stuff started in the spare bedroom now -- "baby stuff" -- but it still feels more like I've picked this stuff up for someone else, not me.

I don't plan on making a habit out of this, not until we are much farther along in this journey. :)

Anyway . . . we've been in the book of waiting families for a month now! It doesn't seem like it's only been one month, and it also seems like it's been much longer than that.

On that note, I'm signing off for tonight. Keep your fingers crossed . . . like one of my best friends said, "pray for faulty condoms!" :D