I'm Sorry But....

I'm having a quarter life crisis!

2015-02-16T15:38:00.002-08:00

Okay so this post is gonna be half ranting and half pondering of my life. You have been warned. Let me just start by saying that I am actually drafting this post on my tablet, listening to Taylor Swift, and while sitting in my car and it will be posted to the blog when I get into my house later. Now you may be wondering why I’m sitting in my car. Let me start at the beginning.

When my life got turned upside down, I decided to move to Harrisonburg with my mom. She needed to upgrade to a bigger apartment in order to fit me and all of my stuff *cough* and pets *cough* Anyhow, there were six different two bedroom apartments available in the complex and the landlord recommends a specific unit to us because everyone in the building has dog(s). We thought that sounded good because then they wouldn’t’ mind too much if our dogs barked while we were at work in the day. So we moved in. What they neglected to tell us was that the building has been infested with bed bugs which have jumped from apartment to apartment because they will only treat one apartment at a time instead of the whole building at once. So after much contact with the office, they finally send the bug guys to check it out and the schedule a time to come exterminate. And that brings us to today….

Today was the day that they were scheduled to come at 9:00 in the morning. So my mom spent yesterday packing up all of our knick knacks and things because we had to have all of the surfaces cleared. We woke up at 7 this morning and finished packing up all of our clothes and moved the furniture out from the walls. This was a huge hassle and made the house a chaotic mess. We also had to take off the face plates from all of the wall sockets and light switches in the house. We had to pack up all of our sheets and towels and things to take to the laundromat to be washed/dried in order to kill any bugs that may be on those. They wanted us to literally wash ALL of our clothes but we said we couldn’t afford all that so they agreed to treat our clothes in sealed trash bags. So it was almost 9 and since we had to get all of the animals as well as ourselves out of the house, we went ahead and loaded them up. So mom took the two cats and their litter box in her car. The five dogs were going in my car and Astrid (the sugar bear) is chillin in her pouch with me all day. 9 comes and goes, 9:30 comes and goes, 10 comes and goes, and so on and so forth. They didn’t arrive until almost noon. We had to unload all of the animals again while we were waiting because we didn’t want them in the cars so long. Plus we have to run the cars frequently in order to keep them warm enough. We had just about decided to tell them to fuck off for being so late but the apartment complex informed us that wasn’t an option and our lease says they can come in whenever to do treatments so there was nothing we could do about it. Oh and also Ted got the shits while we were waiting. The dogs keep passing this bacteria amongst themselves which gives them the shits. Now we have to pay 100 bucks to get a medication that they take for four weeks which should get rid of it for all of them. We’ve been dealing with it getting passed to each of them since November and this is Ted’s second time getting it so something had to be done!

But I digress. So anyhow, the guy was finally there and we loaded the animals up again and started to head for the laundromat. What starts happening when we leave? Snow. Of course. So now we have to be out of our house and risking our lives driving around in the snow. The laundromat visit went pretty smoothly once they turned off the machine that was smoking and nearly caught the place on fire. I left before mom and went to Wal-Mart to get Ted’s medicine. Of course it wasn’t ready when I got there even though it had been called in hours before. So while I was waiting I picked up a six pack of strawberry ale and Guardians of the Galaxy. Mom and I deserve a treat after this crap fest of a day. Finally got Ted’s medicine and headed for home. I couldn’t even get into my apartment complex to park in the parking lot in front of my apartment. So instead, I’m parked in another small lot that was easier to get to. That wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t have to tow five dogs, two cats, a litterbox, and hordes of laundry into the house once we’re allowed to go back in. We have to be out for four hours. So now we’re back to the beginning. I’m sitting in my car drafting this blog and listening to Taylor Swift. So. Annoying.

And I haven’t even mentioned the BEST part yet. On top of all of this, I was supposed to be going to Roanoke today to see my God Daughter and go to her third birthday party. I’m so excited to give her the presents I got her. My bfffff spent months planning this party and all week preparing for it by cleaning, decorating, and making yummy Frozen themed desserts. I had to miss out on all of it because of the stupid snow. And even it hadn’t been snowing, with all of this bed bug crap going down, I wouldn’t have even been able to make it to the party on time. Ughhhhh. I do get to see her Saturday though so that’s better than nothing.

This whole dilemma wasn’t even what I really wanted to write about but after the day I’ve had, I just needed to vent a bit. Oh there’s also the issue of my ex wrecking the car that has MY NAME on it too and not telling me about it until days later. That’s awesome. Not. Anyhow, back to the point of the post.

Like I said, there would be some pondering in this post as well as ranting. I think I may be having a quarter life crisis. I’m trying so hard to get my life going. I’m not getting married but I’m trying to start a career and buy a home in the near future. I’ve actually decided to get a double wide and put it on a nice foundation on a piece of land. The cost will pretty much even out to buying a house but I’ll have a place that’s brand new and has all of the fancy upgrades that I want. The one I picked has a gorgeous kitchen with TONS of cabinet space and an island! It’ll have the dishwasher, washer and dryer, central air/heat, and hardwood floors that were a requirement for my future home. It will also have a huge walk in closet in my big master bedroom and a gigantic bathroom. The bathroom has a dual sink vanity, a separate shower, and an amazing tub that is so deep and made for lounging. There is even a ledge around it for candles and wine when I take my bubble baths. The place also has two other bedrooms, a dining room, and a second full bathroom. The best part though is the living room! It’s a good size for me and it has the most amazing built ins! My television will fit perfectly and it has tons of shelves for my books and DVDs. This means I’ll be able to get rid of a lot of my Wal-Mart furniture! YAYYY! The thing also has some stone on it for decoration and it is GORGEOUS! I seriously cannot wait to buy that home! Once I get a job and know where I’m going to be, I’m going to figure out exactly what I have to do to get the ball rolling on that.

Taking these steps into the adult world is exciting but at the same time, it’s really hard. When I was packing up my clothes today, I was trying to figure out what clothes I could actually wear to my future job and which clothes were essentially useless. It’s not only that though. I’m going to be working in a school so even when I’m not working I feel like I’ll be concerned about my clothes. I’ll always be thinking, would I be okay with running into one of my students in this outfit? Would I be okay with running into a parent in this outfit? It’s crazy! All of this just from looking through my clothes! Most of my clothes are from the Juniors department of JCPenney. I feel like I really need to upgrade my wardrobe and get some stuff that is from the misses department. But seriously, am I too old to wear short shorts? What age does that become inappropriate? Am I doomed to a life of Bermuda shorts and capris for the rest of my life? Ahhhhh!! Good thing I’ve got that associate discount at JCP. After I take inventory of what I have, I’m going to figure out what else I need to make myself look more grown up in the way that I dress.

But it’s not only that though. I wore a very nice outfit when I went to interview at Stuart’s Draft High School for the long term substitute position. I had my hair done and wore heels and everything. A teacher came in and asked me if I was in trouble. He thought I was a student! *FACE PALM* How am I supposed to earn the respect of high school students when people think I am one of them when I walk through the building. Maybe I am better suited for an elementary school position. I mean looking young is nice and I guess I’ll appreciate it as I get older but I want to be taken seriously in my career and I don’t want students thinking they can pull things over on me because I look young. I’ve been thinking of other things I could do to make myself look older. I guess I’ll have to get up early every morning and do my hair. Or I’ll have to straighten in the night before so I can just touch it up in the morning. I feel like adult women always have their hair styled nicely for work. My low pony tails and buns just aren’t going to cut it anymore. Should I wear more makeup? Lipstick? Red lipstick like my idol, Taylor Swift? Do I need mascara? Does that mean I have to wear eye shadow too? And if I’m wearing eye shadow does that mean I need to wear powder and blush/bronzer too???! So much to consider! Do I wear heels more often? Some high school girls wear heels but not all of them. Heels might set me apart and make me look more adult. On the other hand, I’m already 5’9” and if I wear heels I’ll be that giant in the school. And how can I meet a man that would want to be interested in me if I’m towering over him?! I’m fine with a guy that’s my height or just a few inches taller but I don’t want to be towering over him. If I wear heels, that will be happening unless I find a REALLY tall guy. But for some reason really tall guys seem to want to date really short girls. I. Don’t. Get. It. I know that’s a stupid thing to worry about but this is the way my brain thinks!!

So anyhow, I’m having a quarter life crisis. I’m trying to make my debut into the adult world but I don’t know how to do it. I always felt like one day I’d just wake up and feel like an adult but it hasn’t happened yet. I still feel like a kid and apparently I still look like one so how am I supposed to be an adult?

Anyhow, I guess that about sums it up. If you’re still reading this I am very impressed. I’m not even sure I want to re-read this ramble of a post. Might as well though….still got 2 and a half more hours in the car.

This one isn't depressing!

2015-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

Helllooooo world!

It has been ages since I've posted my ramblings for you all to review as if you care! I regret to inform you that this one isn't going to be a depressing one at all!

Life has been pretty good the last couple of months. I moved in with mom again which is nice because I have someone to share responsibilities with and someone who actually enjoys spending time with me. CRAZY! I'm back in Harrisonburg which is nice because I do love JMU-ville but I miss all of my friends in Noke town :( At least I can still go visit. I'm working at JCP for now which isn't terrible. My long term substitute position starts in March and goes through June! I can't believe I have a masters degree and am working on being licensed in two states (VA & FL)! I'm currently applying for as many jobs as I can because I just want to get that permanent position!! I can't wait to get my career started and buy a house for me and my pups to live happily ever after in.

The single life actually isn't so bad. I don't know why I was so worried about going back to it. Yes, it does get lonely sometimes but I've got my mom for companionship and my puppies for snuggles so I'm good. I used to say that if it didn't work out with my ex then I would probably just be single forever. Now I'm thinking that one day I'll get back out in the game. I actually have a little crush on someone right now but it's pretty stupid and there's no way it would go anywhere so I'm trying to ignore it. As much as I'd like for something to happen, there's really no point until I know where I'm going to be permanently. In the next year I could be living anywhere in Virginia or end up somewhere in Florida. It's kinda pointless to start a relationship with such big changes looming in the future.

Since entering the world of single-dom, I have been working on increasing my hobbies. I got a Wii-U for Christmas so I am currently working on playing through Super Mario 3D world. Too bad my cat ate my game pad charger. Grr. Let me just say too that though I enjoy playing video games, I am not consumed by them. Crazy right?! I can go days without playing and sit down and only play for a short amount of time! Woahhhh?! Who knew that was a thing. I always thought that in order to play video games you had to be terribly obsessed and play them every waking moment. That's how some people made it seem at least. Guess they were wrong.

I've also started painting. Now I don't really consider myself an artist because I don't really have much artistic talent. Mostly I just paint a cool looking background and then slap a quote on it that I like. I've been downloading fonts from the internet and using them to paint the quotes. It's actually an extensive process because I print the quote and then flip it over and trace/color the letters with pencil. Then I flip it back over and put in on the campus and press over the letters to transfer the pencil marks to the canvas. After that, all I have to do is paint the letters! It's actually much easier than free handing though because when I tried that, it looked like a 5 year old trying to paint words on a canvas. Actually, the 5 year old probably would have done better.

All in all, I'm happier than I've been in years. It's crazy how some things in life come full circle. I've come so far but on the other hand, it's like I'm right back where I was three years ago. I've been thinking a lot lately about the choices I've made in the last three years. I really screwed up some things early in 2012 and it put me on a path that led to a lot of heartbreak. I see now that I had a good thing and I threw it away just to end up going on a crazy journey. The important thing is that I have learned from everything I went through. Never again will I settle. I am perfectly happy to be alone so I will never lose myself trying to become what another person wants me to be. I used to think that was the only way to be loved but really, what's the point of changing yourself to be loved? The only love that really matters is the love you have for yourself. I am finally to the point where I love me and every choice I make is with the intent to make myself happier. Do I wish I had never gone through those experiences? Maybe. Do I wish I hadn't thrown away something amazing before I really gave it a chance to see what it could be? Definitely. But it is what it is. I am where I am for a reason and I just know that I'll be happy in the end.

Here are pictures of my paintings! :)

This one is so symbolic for me. There are a few quotes that I really love that talk about scars.
1) "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; The most massive characters are seared with scars." - Philosopher Khalil Gibran
2) "Scars remind us of where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going." -Agent Rossi, Criminal Minds
3) "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
The arrow is symbolic because an arrow has to be pulled backwards before it can shoot forwards.
The background is supposed to be like fire and the arrow is going through the fire leaving ashes in its midst but persevering nonetheless.

Taylor Swift's new album seemed like it was pretty much written for me and I found it at the perfect time in my life. The song Clean is one of my favorites on the album and this quote always spoke to me. In the midst of some of the greatest pain I had ever been through, I found a peace that I had been searching for. Sometimes we cling to things thinking they make us happy. When we lose them, it hurts but we realize that we're actually happier without them.

These Lord of the Rings quotes have always been favorites of mine. They are actually part of an entire poem. I would love to do the rest of the poem but I don't really have a solid idea for how I want them to look so I'm just sticking with these two for now. The word "glitter" actually has black glitter on it and there is black glitter on the black that fades into the gold as well. You can't see them very well but I think it adds a little something to the painting.

This one actually came about randomly. I really wanted to do something with yellow. I had the idea for the background using yellow and white stripes. I was trying to think of some simple quote that would go with yellow. Then the Harry Potter quote popped into my mind. I thought it was perfect! I had already done the Lord of the Rings paintings so obviously I needed to do a Harry Potter one as well!! It turned out better than I could have hoped for and I love what it adds to my Harry Potter shelf. There will probably be more Harry Potter paintings down the road as well.

This is another random one. The quote kind of popped into my mind and again I had an idea for a background. It says "Have I told you lately that I love you?" Not, "have I that I told you love lately you?" Smh. That's what the first person who saw it asked. Anyhow, I wanted to use my purple paint and the JMU lover in me thought that gold writing would be perfect. It's kind of for my love for JMU and also kinda for my love of someone else.

This is my Valentine's day inspired painting. I loveeee this background. It is probably my favorite one. The swirls kind of remind me of roses which goes perfectly with the theme. This is one of those sappy quotes that I have always loved and like I said, life comes full circle and I have found this quote to be pretty applicable to my life lately. Did I mention I had a crush? ;) Anyhow. The hearts are actually made with silver glitter. I'm not sure I love them. My mom actually suggested lining them with black which made them look infinitely better but I kind of think I should have just left the solid black and not worried with glitter. I guess I'm just too much like Kesha though and I wanna throw that glitter everywhere!

Anyhow, that's all for now! Maybe I'll write more soon! :)

Thanks for reading! <3
AA

technology is something else

2013-12-29T21:39:00.000-08:00

So I got in bed fully intending to go to sleep and then I realized....I'm not really tired.
So I started drafting this blog in my mind. I thought about waiting til tomorrow to get it down but then I realized....I have a new tablet...no reason to wait!

So hear I am in bed with my new Surface RT typing a blog post about technology.

Now anyone who knows me can see that on the one hand, I lurveee technology. Like seriously. It's amazeballs.

I was the first of my friends to have a cell phone. I frequently upgrade my cell phone to the newest coolest thing. Flip phone? Check. Keyboard? Check. Touch screen? Check. Smart Phone? Check. I mean, now I've got the Galaxy Note 2 and it's so freaking big that it's basically a Phablet (phone/tablet....get it?). I haven't had many phones for longer than a year. As soon as I can upgrade, I do. And sometimes I even upgrade when I can't by opening another line, changing my phone, and cancelling my old line (all for way more than I was told it would cost because Sprint people are lying assfaces....still bitter).

I also have a touch screen computer. After my laptop died...I opted to switch to desktop because after college I didn't see the need for the portability of a laptop. Walked into the staples and saw a Sony Vaio touch screen computer. Had. To. Have. It. So now I do.

But alas, turns out, I did need some portability. Got a netbook. A little acer thing. Downloaded Microsoft office onto it though and it turned to shit. I made it last as long as I could though before I set my sights on the next thing my heart desired.

It was time for a tablet. I looked into Chromebooks and whatnot but let's be honest. I really just wanted a tablet. The Surface RT seemed like an awesome choice because it's basically a laptop once you hook the keyboard up to. Did I mention my keyboard is backlit so I'm actually typing this in the dark right now?! Anyhow. It also comes preloaded with Microsoft Office (so I wouldn't have an acer repeat) and has a USB port for my external hard drive! PERF! Mom got it for me for Christmas and we've been in love ever since! (Me and the tablet...not me and my mom.............)

But wait! There's more! My awesome boyfriend also got me an iPod touch for Christmas! It's the newest model and it's freaking wonderful. Of course, I really just wanted it for music but since I got it, it has become so much more. It has monopoly and family feud! I can also facetime and send texts if I want. It's basically an iPhone that I can't make calls from! Woot!

So as you can see.....I've got a lot of technology in my life. I've also got a kindle and a 55inch smart tv. My boyfriend has an Xbox and a Wii U. I mean seriously....we have a problem!

And with all this technology comes lots of pros. For instance...I'm able to entertain myself at night when I can't fall asleep! I can check Facebook from 3 different devices now! It's crazyyy! I can also keep in touch with family and friends with ease. Between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and Snapchat...there's always someone to talk to or something to see! How fun?!

But as much as I love love love technology and social media....I can also see the downsides of all of it. I took a class in college called Cyberpsychology....my most loyal readers will remember this because it is actually the class that resulted in the creation of this blog. But I digress. That class really started to open my eyes to technology and social media and the negative it effects it can have on our lives.

On the one hand, it's great that it's so easy to communicate with each other but on the other hand....is the communication worth as much? Is a text or a snapchat worth the same as talking to someone in person? I just feel like we have quantity but we don't necessarily have quality. It's a trade that maybe isn't worth it?

Also, the communication via technology isn't always immediate. Sometimes you have to wait for a response. That can be frustrating and also hinders the ability to communicate effectively. I don't know about you guys but if you snap me back an hour after I snapped you....I have no clue what I sent you anymore. I've sent 20 more snaps since then and had 2 text conversations. So now...our conversation is dulled in importance. Communication that is immediate is more meaningful.

I also firmly believe that it is no coincidence that as technology gets more advanced, the divorce rate climbs higher and higher. It used to be that in order for someone to cheat on their significant other, they had to actually come up with a legitimate excuse to leave the house. Then they had to meet at the rendezvous point with their lover and engage in the inappropriate behavior. You couldn't just call each other up because you never know who would answer the phone. Or before phones you couldn't just walk up to their house because the neighbors would see! GASP! And back then text messages came in handwritten notes on paper that were delivered my the mailman....not exactly conducive to sexting.

Nowadays, if someone wants to cheat, all they have to do is sign into Facebook or open their phone. Text messages, Facebook messages, SnapChats.....they're all so easy and they all have delete functions. I mean hell...snapchat even does that shit for you. Wanna see a picture of my dick? Sure! Your girlfriend totes won't mind because she'll never see that you sent me that! Woooooo!

Now some of you may not consider that cheating but I do. I think that sexting and picture messages that are explicit all fall under cheating. But maybe that's just me? And there's the problem...technology blurs the lines between what's okay and what isn't. Does it matter if I receive an explicit photo from someone even if I'm not actually interested in them? YES IT DOES. There's no reason to look at it. It's not fair. I feel like there's so much about technology that it's so easy to cause fights over. Especially when you consider that everyone has different things that they consider to be okay and not okay.

Not only that....but with social media....everyone's business is ALL over the place. Relationship statues, moods, it's all there. I feel like I don't even have to keep in touch with my friends because I can just look at their facebook wall or their twitter feed and know everything I need to. We have completely lost the respect for keeping things private. We want to tell the world everything we do. Some people say it's something that's a flaw in our generation and I almost have to agree. Will that stop me from instagramming the next amazing meal I eat? NOPE. I'm just as guilty of this but I'm just saying...it kinda ruins things.

And not to mention...you can't even go out with friends anymore without somebody needing to check their phone every 2 minutes. OMG. Facebook notification. Hold up...gotta text so and so back. SELFIE TIMEEEEE! Seriously.....what did we do before we had all of this technology? Oh that's right....we actually talked to each other. CRAZY.

Ugh. There is so much that I hate about technology. I could literally go on and on about it forever. But will you see me giving up any of my awesome devices? No. Will you see me using them multiple times a day? Yep. Will I be deleting any of my social media accounts? No.

Because see, no matter how bad it is, there's always that fun part of it too. Technology is crazy. The way it has us all wrapped. We rush out to buy the newest gadget. We sign up for the newest social networking site. We're all drowning it and happy to do so no matter what the consequences. I can't really think of anything else in our lives that exerts this much influence over us....it truly is amazing.

Technology is something else.

let me tell you about privacy

2013-11-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

Hello bloggies!

I've been M.I.A. for a while because a friend of mine told me that he read my blog and that it was so depressing he was never going to read it again. That made a little self conscious as topics for blog posts popped into my mind. I'd discard them because they were too depressing. Then I decided, I don't write these posts for you guys....I write them for me. Writing is my kind of therapy and so of course it's going to be depressing. It's how I get out my depressing, angry, and frustrated thoughts. So if you've got a problem with it...make the decision my friend made and quit reading now because I'm sorry but, it's not going to change.

So lately I've been thinking a lot about privacy. We fight hard for it in our lives. I recently realized something though. The desire for privacy isn't something that just hangs out by itself. The desire for privacy comes from something else. It comes from the need to hide something. Think about it. Why would you need to keep something private if you have nothing to hide?

We wear clothes because we have the need to keep our private parts....well....private.
We put passwords on our accounts and hide our bank account information because we have the need to protect ourselves from identity theft or whatever.
I put curtains on my living room window to hide the fact that I have a 55inch TV so my neighbors won't break in and steal it (living in the ghetto probs)

It makes sense that you wouldn't want any old Joe to be able to log into your Facebook account or access your phone. There's no reason for random people to know things about you. That's just creepy and kinda stalkerish.

But what about when we have an intense desire for privacy against people that we love?

Would you care if your mom looked at your phone if all that was on it was pictures of cats and a text about movie times?

Would you care if your significant other knew the ins and outs of what you do on Facebook if all you were doing was chatting with friends about the weather?

I honestly think the answer to those questions is no. At least for me personally....look through my shit. I have nothing to hide. I don't care if the people I'm close with know who I'm talking to or what I'm talking about because I know that I'm not doing or saying anything that would bother them. In essence, I have nothing to hide.

Now there have been times when I've had conversations that I wouldn't want someone close to me to see. Usually it's a conversation about said person. In that case, I'll go all wonky about hiding my phone or make sure to delete the conversation. In those instances, there's something to hide because I don't want the person to know something. From that need to hide something....comes the desire for privacy.

So long story short, I personally feel that you can't really be super crazed about needing privacy unless there's something you're hiding. So when people go all "Oh. Em. Gee. stop looking at my stuff yo," a little bell goes off in my head. What is it that they don't want me to see?

Hmm. Something to ponder. And believe me.....I can't stop pondering it.

Feel free to disagree...I honestly don't care. But this is my opinion and I'm sticking to it. My friends and close loved ones are welcome to look at my shit any time. I have nothing to hide. Can you say the same?

Til next time,
Adios amigos

I won't watch Forrest Gump again

2013-08-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This blog has been inspired by many different events over the years. I have been pondering this post in my mind over the past week or so but it is not a direct inspiration from solely one individual. Many people reading this may think that their own story inspired this post but do not be so vain people....this post is about more than just you. It may be about you in some way but it's also about me and other people I know besides you and people I don't know as well. If you are offended by this post because you feel that you inspired it in some way...then clearly you are feeling bad about your decisions and well....that's too bad.

Okay so I'm the only person I've ever met who absolutely hates the movie Forrest Gump. When I first sat down to watch Forrest Gump I thought....hmmm this movie might be good. People always rave about it so there must be something to it right. In the beginning it's not so bad....you get a few chuckles and you're like I don't hate it, in fact, I might even like it. But then somewhere in the middle of the movie.....you just lose it. The movie literally just starts to fucking blow. 142 minutes has never felt longer to me than when I'm watching Forrest Gump. That fucking Jenny chick just keeps showing up out of nowhere and it's just the dumbest most boring story I've ever heard. But I couldn't just stop watching in the middle of the movie (mostly because I was being forced to watch it in class in high school but also because I needed to know how it ended). Anyway, the end finallllyyyy came and I had a sense of relief. It's over. I can put Forrest Gump behind me never to watch it again. But every now and then it'll be on tv and someone will be like Ooooh let's watch Forrest Gump. It's there, tempting me to get me to watch it. But every time I say NO! I hate Forrest Gump! And people then look at me like I'm crazy but whatever....I don't end up watching the movie.

In my opinion, this is the smart way to react to something. You try something out, you might like it at first, then you decide it's not working out so you leave it. The smart thing to do from then on is to continue to leave it behind you. There's no reason to drudge it up again because guess what?! Forrest Gump is still gonna be a shitty movie that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with my toenails even if I watch it another time. There's nothing that's gonna change....it's still gonna suck.

Okay, so now you're all probably confused because the disclaimer kinda has nothing to do with hating Forrest Gump right? Or maybe you're smart and figured it out by now! If so, yay you! If not....let me explain. Forrest Gump is symbolic of a relationship. We've all had these kinds of relationships. It starts out good...you're like, hey I like this relationship. Then somewhere in the midst of it all, something happens. Maybe the person cheated on you. Maybe you just grew apart. Who knows? But anyhow....you decide that the relationship is not working and so you try to stick it out but inevitably, it ends. You probably feel relieved to finally get away even if there is some sense of sadness as well. But then sometimes, a while down the road (or maybe 2 or 3 times in the same week) your now ex-relationship person presents his or herself to you again and says, let's try again. Now the smart thing to do would be to go all Forrest Gump on their ass and be like FUCK NO! Ain't nobody got time for that! But alas, most of us are pretty stupid and tend to give the person another chance. Hey maybe it won't suck this time around?! But usually....just like Forrest Gump, the relationship comes to suck again and so you end it....again.. Sometimes this cycle repeats itself viciously usually always ending the same way.

I'm just confused why we (people in general...including myself because I've done it too) continue to try the same things over and over again when we've already figured out it doesn't work? This really does happen most often in relationships though and I think it's because people operate under the hope that people can change. I'm not saying that people can't change....because they can. I'm just saying, it's pretty rare. But we hear those stories of the reformed douche bag and we think....well our person can change too! He/She will totally be the person I need them to be this time around. Most of the time...it's not the case and we just end up getting hurt all over again with no one to blame but ourselves. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It's good advice to live by.

Unfortunately, we're all hopeless romantics at heart. When we care about someone, we like to believe they can change. Hopefully it'll work out for those of us caught in the cycle.....but if we get burned, it'll be our own fault.

"Bad news slows us down for a while and then we move on; hope is paralyzing." - Criminal Minds
"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man." -Friedrich Nietzche

SLOW DOWN!

2013-08-10T10:17:00.001-07:00

If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that the world is literally SHOUTING at us to slow down. So why don't we ever listen?

You drink too fast, you choke.
You walk too fast, you trip.
You eat too fast, you feel sick.
You drive too fast, you crash.

I've wrecked twice in the past month. Now I wouldn't say I was necessarily rushing and that's why I had these accidents, but I find that I'm always trying to get places as quickly as possible. I feel like when we're driving somewhere, we pull out into the smallest space that has at least a hint of chance that we can make it. We take chances and hope that we make it out okay. Most of the time we do....but sometimes, the person in front of you is waiting for a bigger window and you slam into the back of them.

Sometimes, you're minding your own business and backing out of a parking space and someone else is in such a rush that they whip behind you and you end up backing into them. Which of course is your fault too because apparently you're supposed to know when dumb fucks are speeding through parking lots. Nonetheless...the common denominator here is that we're always rushing around.

I feel like it's human nature to just want to get somewhere as quickly as possible. That's why people get speeding tickets and have accidents. Why can't we just slow down and enjoy the journey? Who cares if you get home a couple of minutes later than usual? At least you made it safely. Oh you have to be at work on time? Here's an idea.....leave your house earlier. There's no reason to be rushing through life.

It reminds me of something that comes up a lot in Criminal Minds. I may or may not be obsessed with the show. But essentially, as they're closing in on the killer, the killer begins to rush. The team always says, if he's rushing, then he made a mistake. It's right there. Rushing leads to making mistakes. We learned this in grade school people! How many times did you get tests back with questions wrong that you would've gotten right if you had just taken a little more time to read the question?

It seems like the message to slow down is literally all around us. We are basically bombarded with it on a daily basis and yet for whatever reason, the lesson never sticks. Well it's sticking for me. I'm learning to slow down, wait for a good opportunity to make a move, and not sweat if things are taking a little longer than usual. We've got our whole lives to get shit done....it doesn't all have to get done today.

Slow down people! <3

I fail at driving

2013-07-17T18:09:00.001-07:00

I've always considered myself a pretty good driver...until 2013.

Got my first speeding ticket this year.

Ran someone off the road the other week trying to merge onto Peters Creek because I didn't see them in my blind spot and then there's today...

Same damn spot merging onto Peters Creek. I'm making sure to look and see what cars are oncoming and to not miss any in my blind spot. Now doing this involves me slowing down to a near stop, turning my head and checking for cars. Usually, once the coast is clear, I pull onto Peters Creek and if there are any cars in front of me, well they do the same thing since presumably we're all trying to get somewhere...not just sit in the merging lane all day. Today however, that was not how it went down. After ensuring that the right lane was clear for me to pull out, I began to accelerate and turned to continue driving forward. Alas, the person in front of me was clearly trying to sit in the merging lane all day and thus not moving. By the time I realized the car in front of me wasn't moving and went to put on my brakes, my hood was smashed. Yep, rear-ended someone on my way to work. Fail. Had to call out of work. Spent 3 hours at the doctor's office. All in all, not the best day.

Here's the bright side:
I'm okay. I'm sore all over. I hit my head but I don't have a concussion.
In order to verify the above -- I got to get a CT scan for the first time ever. How cool?
Got to spend the day with my wonderful boyfriend and mother both of whom doted on me all day.
Mom bought me a new printer! :)
My insurance provides me with a rental car! Yay for still being able to get around!
My insurance is going to pay to fix the tiny scratch on the woman's car who I hit.
The electricity was wonky at work today so they closed early!

Here's the down side:
Impala is wounded :( I have to pay $500 to get her fixed. I guess that could be a bright side because it's better than the $5000 in estimated damages but I really wasn't counting on spending all of my savings :/
The electricity is back on at work which means I have to try my hardest to get out of bed tomorrow morning, not be sore, and work all day.
I have to decide if I want to continue to try to take the dreaded route to work or start going the much longer and obnoxious route since I'm clearly incapable of successfully merging onto Peters Creek.
Now when people make the "women are bad drivers" comment, I can't respond with "I'm a woman and my driving record is clean"

Merrrp.

life ain't always easy

2013-07-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

I've struggled with depression since at least high school if not into middle school as well. Back then, I couldn't really put a name to it. I felt tired all the time, unhappy, sick to my stomach often, and so on. High school is stressful, I had a lot going on so I didn't really think about whether or not what I was going through was some sort of mental issue. It wasn't until I got to college that the problem was really brought into light. I guess the depression I was already experiencing didn't sit well with homesickness when I went away to JMU. What should've been the best time of my life at the beginning of my Freshman year consisted of me sitting alone in my dorm room most nights watching the same tv shows and talking to mom on AIM. My friend Dana called me a bed potato (we didn't have couches in the dorm). I turned down many invitations to do things because I would rather be talking to mom and watching tv. The familiar brought me comfort. I should've been living it up but instead, I was considering leaving JMU to return home. I was tired all the time, in bed by 10, feeling helpless and hopeless, and I literally had no motivation for anything. I was just going through the motions of school because I felt that was what I was supposed to do. Mom finally convinced me to go to the counseling center because she refused to let me withdraw from JMU. Clinical depression. Now that's an interesting way to put what I've been feeling. Who knew this thing originated inside of me. Maybe these feelings weren't normal. Cymbalta. Oh a glorious gift from above. About 2 weeks into taking Cymbalta, everyone noticed a change in me. My voice was brighter, I wasn't tired all the time, and I began to want to participate in life. Besides the fact that it makes you feel super crappy (nauseous/dizzy) because it's literally rewiring your brain for you, it made me feel awesome! It also had the added perks of helping out with some of my OCD habits and relieving some of the constant body pain I was experiencing from 4 years of high school cheerleading. I took Cymbalta for 6 months. At that point, I felt that I was okay and could come off. I successfully came off of the medication and I did great for a while. My best friend passed away but with the help of some supportive friends and family, I was even able to make it through that trauma without needing to resort back to medication. I've never really been a fan of taking medication unless it is absolutely necessary. Fast forward to after college. I'm working now and starting to feel really weird every now and then. I suffered through feelings of extreme depression, again feeling like life is meaningless, then the next day I'd want to punch people just for looking at me wrong, the next day was crying for literally no reason, and then I'd be perfectly fine. Turns out these feelings coincided perfectly with my monthly cycle. After a discussion with the gynecologist, I had another label to put onto my feelings. PMDD. Oh good...this isn't normal either. And back to medication, Prozac for about a week and a half a month. It helped tremendously. It worked so well that the doc said I could probably just take it all month long. I thought this might be a good idea because I was starting to feel those depressive feelings coming on again anyway. But alas, apparently when you take prozac all the time, your body kinda gets used to it. Suddenly it was back to the way it was before I started taking prozac. I feel like crying for no reason sometimes, I get frustrated at the littlest things, I get so angry that I want to lash out, sometimes it feels like my skin is crawling because these strong emotions have no outlet. I have no acceptable way to express what I'm feeling. People around me think I'm being irrational because I react so strongly to the smallest things so instead of trying to talk about it, most of the time I just hold it in. Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming that I feel like I could vomit. Wouldn't it be nice to purge emotions so easily? Too bad life doesn't work that way and I'm really not a fan of vomiting in the first place. I'm currently trying to wean myself off of the prozac and get back to only taking it around my cycle. I'm hoping that PMDD is still my main problem here and that I can manage the depressive symptoms month long with a little bit of help from the people that truly care about me. I probably should look into counseling but who can afford 100 bucks a session and find time when they're working 8-4 M-F. It's not that I'm not fully aware that I have plenty to be happy about. My analytical brain is perfectly capable of realizing that I have my health, good family, good friends, a good boyfriend, a good job that pays my bills and allows me to save, I'm working towards a future career by attending school online, and so on and so forth. I know I've got plenty to live for and I know I've got plenty to be happy about. But knowing and feeling are two different things. Some days, those little things that agitate me outweigh all of the positive things that I know I have in my life. I can't control it. I can't explain why the simplest slight or hardship puts me over the edge. I can't explain why I'm unable to move on from things that have happened. I can't explain why the littlest reminders cause me to shut down. I can't explain why a nail not going into the wall where I want to hang a picture makes me want to punch the aforementioned wall. I can't explain why little things make me question what the whole point of life is. I can't explain why seeing other people happy makes me feel even worse even though I know I've got plenty to be thankful for. I can't explain any of it. Sometimes I try talking about it but people just don't understand. They get fed up and try offering suggestions which I shoot down. None of them feel like viable options. I know these people are right. But I can't make the feelings go away. To be told by someone that "Well I guess you're fucked" and "you should just go slit your wrists and get in the bathtub" hurts. It hurts bad. Suicide doesn't cross my mind. I'm not that bad. Like I said, I know I've got plenty to live for. Every now and then those feelings just get way to overwhelming. I know its frustrating for my loved ones to hear me talking in such a depressed manner but I guess they just can't even imagine what I'm experiencing. Clinical depression, PMDD, trying to figure out medication, it's hard. All of that on top of all of the little bad things that I experience in life sometimes is just impossible to deal with. Any normal person, not experiencing mental problems would have a hard time dealing with some of the things I've gone through lately. Here I am trying to muddle through those issues with these mental problems on top of it all. I guess I just needed to get my story out. This post was really more for me than for my readers. I needed an outlet to express how I've been feeling. Like I said, I usually just hold it inside because the reactions I get from people aren't always what I need. Sometimes, I just need someone to listen and say "mmhhmmm", "yeh that sucks" "I understand" or "I'm really sorry you're feeling that way". When I talk, I'm not looking for people to fix my problems. I just want to be heard. I'm trying to make sense of this all in my head and sometimes talking about it helps. I guess I'll stick to writing about it. Then people can choose whether or not they want to put up with hearing me disclose my inner feelings. I'm really trying the best I can. I'm going through the motions, making changes where I can, and hoping that one day, these feelings will all just be a part of my past.

you can't have one without the other

2013-05-09T14:17:00.001-07:00

Hello bloggies!

I apologize for the just about 4 month hiatus from blogging. I know you've all been super depressed because you haven't known what's been going on in my life.

To sum it up, last time I blogged I had recently left my position at BRAAC and begun a new job. In March, I realized that the new job didn't work for me so it was back to BRAAC I went. The switch back was nice though. I'm working with different kids than I was before and that break plus the new changes has really made all the difference. I'm very happy with my work situation.

School has been a hot mess and is part of the reason for my lack of blogging lately. How is that I've only been taking one class the last 8 weeks and it feels like it has been my hardest semester so far? Multicultural counseling competence....ew. Luckily it's done this week and I will be taking classes that actually relate school counseling starting this summer! Found out I'll be graduating in December of 2014! The count down begins! I know it's a little premature but hey! I'm ready to start the rest of my life already!

So anyhow, to the main event! I've been sitting on this blog topic for a while now. I haven't gotten around to writing it because 1) I haven't really had the time and B) I was trying to figure out if the therapeutic value of writing this post would be worth any of the consequences that may come from it. Well now I finally have some free time and I really feel like getting some thoughts off my chest will be a good thing. My chest has enough to carry without all these thoughts weighing it down too! *hold for applause*

I had been thinking about forgiveness and forgetting for a while when I happened upon this at a house while babysitting...

I looked upon this calendar and thought...wow...what wisdom coming from such a small object? I posted the
picture on instagram and facebook with the caption "If only it was easy to forgive." The comments I received on Facebook further made me contemplate this issue. One person said "Forgiveness is not that hard..but it does take practice." I responded with "It seems hard....or maybe I'm just struggling with the "forget" part of "forgive and forget" to which the person responded "How about forgive and learn from it."

Hmm...forgive and learn from it huh? Guess its worth a try but I really don't feel like you can have forgiveness without forgetting. I think that is the whole source of my problem. See I recently went through a situation with someone that hurt me pretty bad. I had two choices...walk away or stick it out. I opted for the latter choice but sticking it out has been hard. I was trying to figure out why it's been so hard. I thought, well maybe it's because I haven't forgiven the person. It's hard to move on from something if you don't forgive someone right? So I'm sitting there trying to figure out if I forgive the person and I realize....how do you know when you've forgiven someone? In the past when I've been hurt, I've only known that I forgive them after I no longer think about it and hold that grudge against them. Thus, I know I've forgiven once I can forget. So then I thought, is it possible to forgive someone without forgetting what they did? I really don't think so. I can sit here and say that I forgive the person and maybe I do but I haven't forgotten and that makes it hard to move on.

I still think about it every day. Little things that happen remind me of it and make me worry that it will happen again. The nightmares still come and feel so real that I'm left shaken up the whole next day and feeling sick to my stomach. I'm no where near forgetting what happened. And why should I right now? I still feel like I need to be on guard. I never thought this would happen in the first place so should I just assume it will never happen again? How can I take someone's word that it won't happen again when they broke their word in the first instance. See I've studied behavior extensively and I know that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Especially when you look at if the behavior was reinforced or punished. So this person hurt me right? Well not only that, but they got away with it. I stuck around. There were no consequences. So in essence, this behavior was reinforced. What does this tell me? It tells me that the likelihood of the behavior happening again is actually quite high. Just because I've chosen to ignore all of my knowledge of behavior and hope that it won't ever happen again doesn't mean that I don't worry every single day that I'll end up right back hurting at rock bottom.

I guess it's just been really hard for me the past couple of months and I'm doing everything I can to try to move on. Step 1 is forgive. Step 2 is forget. and Step 3 is trust again. But really, as the title of this post suggests you can't have 1 without 2. So really it's a two step process. 1) Forgive AND forget 2) Trust again.

I know I'll get through this....it's just going to take me longer than I anticipated and longer than I hoped it would take. I'll just keep working on it and doing the best I can. There's not much else I can do...

Here are some quotes that I love and find applicable:

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I apologize that my first post back is a bit of downer but I appreciate you if you're still reading this. Leave me a comment if you read this that has one of your favorite quotes in it. I lurve quotes!

AA

in defense of girls

2013-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

I got off work early today!! YAY! This is awesome because I had to get up at 5:45 to be at work at 7....ugh. So needless to say I'm super tired. Getting off early is great because it means I'll have more time to get that school work that I've been putting off done. My first thought when I left work was that I'll go home and take a nap and then start homework, but alas, I realized I had something that I really want to write about in my blog. So you all should know that I'm giving up sleep time to bore you with what will inevitably be a really long, psychology term filled, blog post. Enjoy.

Here's a little background for this post. Just to be clear, when I speak of relationships throughout this post, I am referring to romantic relationships. When you're a third party observer of a relationship, it is easy to say what the people in the relationship are doing wrong. It is also easy to say what course of action the parties in the relationship should take. This is simple human nature. What's difficult for many people, is to be able to see what is actually motivating and keeping people in that relationship. Sometimes it is a lot more complicated than it looks. I'm going to present a few examples here and I'm really hoping I'll be able to make some sort of coherent conclusion here in the end.

The first concept I'd like to discuss, that I think really comes into play in relationships, is deprivation. Deprivation is obviously when a person does not have access to something that they desire for an extended period of time. I think that deprivation is a huge motivator for beginning relationships. People, in general, want to be in relationships. Unfortunately, we are wired to pair off. When you don't have access to a relationship for a while, you may lower your standards and accept something you wouldn't normally accept if you had not been deprived. Let me make this a little easier to understand before I continue. Say you have been deprived of food for three days. Your car broke down in the middle of nowhere and you had no access to food for three whole days. For those of you trying to poke holes in my example, you did have access to water, so you did not die. Anyhow, so by the end of day three you're pretty much starving. During your three days without food, you've been daydreaming about Olive Garden ziti and breadsticks, a big juicy steak, mashed potatoes, and all of your other favorite foods. Sadly, when you reach food, it ends up being a vending machine that only has Fritos! GASP! Fritos are not your desired food but at that point, you're so hungry that you eat the Fritos! Then you realize, hey! These Fritos aren't so bad....I could live with Fritos if I didn't ever have any better options.

Okay, so let's apply this to relationships. This is going to be super easy because I can just tell you my own Frito story! Yay! So many of you already know that I didn't really have any relationships until my sophomore year of college. I don't really count my first relationship because it didn't last very long and the bond formed really wasn't meaningful. But some time after the end of my first relationship, I began to feel very deprived. My friends around me all had boyfriends and looked so happy. I wasn't receiving any male attention and it sucked. I had dreams of being in a great relationship with a guy that would care about me, be there for me, and not cheat on me. But after a while, Fritos came along. Fritos payed attention to me but I wasn't his main focus. He gave me just enough attention to get me hooked. As it turned out, he only wanted to use me for sex and would never give me the relationship I had dreamed of. But, I had realized that, metaphorically speaking, Fritos didn't taste so bad...and at the time, I thought it was a hell of a lot better than going hungry. So, I stuck with Fritos. I took what I could get because it was better than nothing.

So now you can see how the concept of deprivation can lead to people getting sucked into situations that they wouldn't typically accept had they not be deprived in the first place. But what keeps them in these situations? After a while, you would think the person would get sick of Fritos and start looking for something more delicious (and healthy) to eat. However, oftentimes this isn't what happens. And from now on I'm probably gonna have to drop the food metaphor because I just don't think it's gonna make sense so try to stick with me while I speak in the literal sense.

So I'm in this relationship (loosely defined as a mutual give and take) and in the beginning, I liked him so much because it was the first time I had ever had any sort of this attention that I had really been craving. That made it really easy to develop feelings for him. No, those feelings weren't love, but at the time, I didn't have a better label them. I was happy when I was with him and I craved that happiness. Eventually, it got to the point where I realized that I was ONLY happy when I was physically with him because when we weren't together, I didn't hear from him. I would get sad and upset when I didn't talk to him for a couple weeks. Just when I was getting to the point where I thought, I can't deal with this...it's time to move on. Bam. He'd call. I swear he had a fucking radar for this shit because it was seriously like clockwork. Every time I said I'd be done, he would call and want to see me. This reinforced me because I got access to what I really wanted, which was to be with him. For a short period of time, I got what I wanted, and then I would leave to hope that I would get it again soon. I wouldn't hear from him for a while and then the cycle would repeat. I was stuck in this never-ending cycle for just about two years before something finally put me over the edge. It took him being willing to cheat on his girlfriend to be with me to make me see that this was not what I wanted. Cheating was so against my moral code that I finally was able to take a step back and actually tell him that I couldn't see him anymore. Everyone has that point but it may take a really long time for it to come about.

The moral of the story here is that it's all about reinforcement. Girls that get stuck in bad relationships are craving the good times. They've had the good times before and they keep hoping that they'll come again. Eventually, the guy gives in and that reinforces the girls behavior of hoping for more.

I've had a lot of friends go through this and I'm even sad to admit that I've put someone through this before. You start a relationship and everything is great. Eventually, one person checks out of the relationship but the other person is still invested. They hang around and put up with all the crap just waiting for that one good moment. Inevitably, the good comes and that reinforces the behavior of staying in the relationship. It would take a VERY long time of receiving NO reinforcement WHATSOEVER for this person to give up on the relationship. And the sad thing is that anything can be reinforcing for that person. It could be as simple as sending a text message. The simple act of reaching out to contact a person can be enough to give them hope that those better times are coming back eventually.

It's easy to tell these people that they need to move on. Most of them aren't stupid and can see that they need to move on. A lot of times, they know that they deserve better. But by then, they have feelings for the person and they just can't let them go, especially when they keep intermittently receiving reinforcement for them. It's hard to advise people in these situations because they just know that the good times can return because they have returned sometimes over and over and over again. People use their past experiences to predict what will happen in the future. Is it so crazy for a girl to think that something that has occurred repeatedly will occur again? I don't think so.

That's why I titled this blog "in defense of girls." A lot of people think that girls are crazy for sticking around and putting up with all the crap they do but I think if you look at the reinforcement they've received, it is obvious why they're doing it. The only way they could move on would be for the other person in the relationship to tell them that it is 100% over and THEN remove contact. I would like to point out the importance of actually telling the person you don't want to be with them first because I personally just think that disappearing out of someone's life and not responding to their attempts to contact you is rude. But after you've told them it's over, don't respond to them. Don't seek them out. Don't see them. Nothing. It is for their own good. Eventually, your lack of contact and lack of reinforcement will allow their behavior to be extinguished. It may take a very long time and they may try even harder at first to get your attention back (extinction burst--Google it) but eventually, they will give up and finally move on.

Anyhow, the point of this is that girls are not crazy. They've been reinforced for their behaviors and they are expecting what they've received. This is completely logical behavior and thinking. It has been shown repeatedly in psychology studies that THE BEST predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. So there is literally nothing insane about using your past experiences to predict what you think could happen in the future. Even if it may seem completely illogical to an outsider, it is not.

If you're still reading this, give yourself a pat on the back because I'm not even sure that I want to re-read it to check for errors. But seriously I hope this helps you people without psychology backgrounds to understand why your friends, family members, or exes are doing the things they do in their relationships. And hopefully, if you're in one of these situations, you can do what needs to be done to help the other person move on.

I guess I'll start on my homework now! Boo.

AA

pessimism is realism

2012-12-14T14:47:00.001-08:00

Hello friends!

At last I have a topic worth writing about again. You see, some may consider me to be a bit of a pessimist in my daily life but I'm here to tell you all....it's not pessimism if you're right. That, my friends, is called being a realist. Sometimes you just know that shitty shit is gonna happen. Yeh I just said "shitty shit"....what are you gonna do about it?? Just because you say something bad is gonna happen all the time, doesn't make you a pessimist because guess what....for some people, bad stuff does happen all the time!

See I tend to expect the worst in life, especially when it comes to people. Now you should all already know by now that I don't really like people very much. I don't have a lot of friends because people just can't be counted on. They're rarely there when you need them and they're always putting themselves first. Now of course that is a very broad generalization that does not apply to EVERYONE but still. You just can't expect people to be there for you. And sometimes you gotta be looking behind you because you just never know when they're gonna plunge that knife into your back.

I don't think there is anything pessimistic about realizing that sometimes it is highly likely that bad shit is gonna happen and that people are gonna disappoint you. See the thing is, if you think like me, you actually have less of a chance for being disappointed. If you expect the worst in life or from people, then when that's what you get, it's no big deal. If you set the bar low enough, only a true imbecile won't be able to get over it. The other great part is that if on the off chance the people do better than you expected, then you get to be like "WOW! That's amazing!!" See my problem is, I have very high standards for the people in my life. If I care about you then you better damn well be ready for the task that comes along with that. The people that I truly care about, I will do anything for. If that means dropping something last minute to be with them when they need it then so be it. Is it so much to expect the same in return? I don't think so. But unfortunately, most people can't live up to that. It's those people who get cut from my life! See ya never suckasss! I only keep the best.

Now, the one argument that people would try to supply for this is the whole "self-fulfilling prophecy" thing. Good luck selling that bologna to me people. I was a psychology major so I know all about it. The thing is, I don't go around announcing to people that I expect them to not meet my expectations. I interact with them as I would anyone, and when they don't meet my expectations. Oh well. That's life. And as far as situations in my own life, I always strive and work towards the best possible outcome but in the back of mind, I'm ready for the failure because to assume everything will work out okay will just lead to more disappointment.

Anyhow, what it all boils down to is that if you expect the worst, you're saving yourself a lot of heartache when people dish out the worst. Unfortunately, in my experience, the worst is what is usually dished out to me from life and from people. Thinking this way, which I consider being a realist, helps keep me from getting disheartened all the time. Then when good things do happen or people live up to or exceed my expectations, I get to be extra happy!

You may think from the tone of this post, that a lot of bad stuff has been happening but you'd be wrong. Something sorta bad did happen which I was completely prepared for of course ;) But for the most part, my life is really good right now. I've received a lot of blessings that I'm very excited about and I've got only the best people in my life. I'm doing good and I'm happy.....but rest assured that I won't be letting my guard down people! No one's gonna get that knife into my back anytime soon.....

Until next time,
AA

shouldn't we be thankful year round?

2012-11-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

Hello bloggies!

It's November!! You know what that means! We're all going to be bombarded with people finally taking time out of their busy schedules to realize how much they have and how thankful they are for it.

Now, I'm going to be real frank here. The many reason behind this post is because of the new trend on Facebook that people are doing. People have decided to post one thing every day in the month of November that they are thankful for. Now that's all fine and dandy and whatnot but I'm already getting kinda tired of seeing their mushy little posts.

"I'm soooo thankful for my wonderful husband who does this, this, and that and is so awesome in bed and has a huge d"

Okay, so maybe they're not posting exactly that....but you get the point. It just sounds so fake like they're trying to sound like they're so thankful for these things. I'm sure they are but it means a lot more to recognize what you have and be thankful for it all throughout the year. It's ridiculous that it takes the month of November and a stupid Facebook trend to make people finally sit down and think about it.

It's day 4 so by now we've covered the basics - Family, friends, husbands, food/shelter, and Jesus. I'm very interested to see what people will be writing towards the end of the month.

"I'm really thankful that I only gained 2 pants sizes this year at my family's Thanksgiving feast"

"I'm thankful that I got all those Black Friday deals I wanted!"

"I'm thankful that I have 10 toes and 10 fingers!"

Frankly people, no one cares. We're all thankful for what we have so do us all a favor and learn to appreciate it year round and stop bothering us with your useless posts.

What really cracked me up was the person who decided to write that they were thankful for Jesus didn't think to do that until day 3. Now tell me, what kind of respectable Christian doesn't think of God until day 3? Isn't one of the defining characteristics of Christianity that you are thankful to the Lord for everything that you have because without Him you would have nothing? Let's get real people......

Now I'm not trying to sound terribly heartless....I do it without trying ;) No but really....I'm glad that people are thankful for what they have. I'm just saying, we should recognize it year round. I try to take time out of every day to thank the Lord for the many blessings I have received. I do this so frequently that I pretty much have an itemized list that I go through each day.....it usually goes something like this.

"Dear Lord,
Thank you for everything you have given me in my life - (A blanket statement in case I forget anything)
Thank you for my family, friends, and loved ones.
Thank you for my health and the health of my family, friends, and loved ones.
Thank you for my pets and their health.
Thank you for my home and everything in it (I realize I have badass shit and God could get rid of all of it in an instant....fiyaaaaa)
Thank you for my car and getting me around safely.
Thank you for providing me with food.
Thank you for my education.
Thank you for my job and my paycheck.
Thank you for sending your son to die so that I may be forgiven and have a place with you in Heaven when I die.
Again, thank you for everything you have blessed me with. (Always good to toss that blanket statement in again)"

Of course there's more to my prayers than that but this is the thankfulness portion. I say this prayer quite frequently because I recognize that it's important to always be thankful. You can lose everything you have in the blink of an eye. People need to be fearful of that and thus be thankful ALWAYS.

Anyhow, I really just had to post this blog because I wanted to post a Facebook status about how thankful I am for my undergraduate education at JMU. It's awesome to be taking my graduate level research methods class and have it feel more like a review class than learning new material. Kenn and the Psychology Learning Community set me up with so many tools that are still coming in handy today and I'm really thankful for that. I went to post that status and I realized I couldn't because I would just look like one of those November Thankers.

Anyhow, leave me a comment telling me how thankful you are for my blog posts ;)

Til next time,
AA

Sometimes detours lead you to different destinations

2012-09-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

So if you're crazy enough or love me enough to actually have been following my life since I left JMU....then you know that I've taken one detour after another. The original end point was the FBI after a master's degree in Forensic Psychology.

The plan was to graduate from JMU and go straight to graduate school. I got into Marymount and the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I chose the latter but then I second guessed myself and thought maybe it would be a better idea to postpone graduate school for year. Thus the detour began.

So I move home to Roanoke to live with mom and save money. Living in D.C./nova isn't cheap so I really needed to get my finances together. After struggling to find a job, I finally land the perfect gig at the Blue Ridge Autism and Achievement Center. What a perfect way to spend a year using my degree in psychology?! I always loved behavior analysis and I would get to spend a whole year using it to help the most precious children I've ever met.

So I'm still on my detoured path but the end point was still in sight. After a series of miscommunications, I realized that the Chicago School wasn't really gonna be my jam. So it was time to take another detour. I reapplied and was accepted for the second time to Marymount University. I had it all planned out. I had my resignation letter typed up. There was just one flaw; I didn't qualify for enough loan money to be able to afford to go to school and live in nova.

So it was time for another detour. I thought to myself, I'll take another year off and continue to get my credit back on track and then be able to qualify for enough loans to move to nova. End point: still in sight.

I moved out of mom's house because I needed some sort of change to get excited about. I bought a really expensive and cute puppy because apparently I just do everything on impulse and obviously financing a large portion of this dog went along great with the "get my credit on track" plan. And clearly spending all of my money on rent and utilities is helping with the "saving money" plan.

Over time, I came to see that after so many detours, my entire path had changed. I still love forensic psychology. Criminal Minds is still my favorite TV show and I will continue to read super nerdy crime books and follow all of the FBI's updates on Facebook. However, it has recently become clear to me that my end point has to change. It just doesn't feel like the right fit anymore.

Once I realized that, I also realized that I'm at a stalemate. I need to get to an endpoint that will allow me to make money but also be happy with my job. I love psychology but that past year and handful of months that I've spent working in a school has also been very rewarding. I thought, how can I combine these things to get me to an endpoint that works for me?

Then it hit me. School Counseling. I can work in a school but still use psychology. Winning. Then in a rapid whirlwind, I found Liberty University's online Master's in Education program with a focus on school counseling. I applied. I got in. I've got enough aid to pay for my classes and books. So everything just kind of fell into place.

I realize that every turn I've made has been leading me up to this. I'm aware that the road ahead of me is going to be hard. I'm going to be taking online classes and probably never get to sleep if I want to keep some semblance of a social life/watch all the tv shows I like. But it's only for two years. After that, I'll have a master's degree, an internship under my belt, and a license. Hopefully I'll be able to snag a job that will allow me to live a comfortable life.

The thing is, I'm happy with where I'm at now and the decisions that I've made within the past couple of weeks. I think I'm setting myself up for a bright future and even though it's not at all where I thought I'd be when I graduated from JMU, it feels right.

I'm a big believer in following your heart and going with your gut. I always trust my instincts and they haven't led me astray. Sometimes detours lead you to different destinations, but you always end up where you were meant to be.

<3

Happy is hard

2012-09-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hiiiiii blog friends! I'm baaaaackkkk! I know you've missed me terribly! Just go with it...

Currently listening: When you're gone - because there's nothing like a little Avril to get you in the blogging mood!

Just tossing it out there: I have this annoying cough.....what. the. fuck? This is what I get for working in a germ factory.

Random fact of the day: I had a random fact I was gonna share with you but I forgot it. Ask me if I care.

Now on to the main event!!

So the other day I saw this meme....

and recently I saw the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green and there was this quote:

Jim: "Have a great day!"
Cindy: "That's too much pressure."
Jim: "Have the day you have."

Okay so all this got me thinking....here in Amurrka, we make being happy so hard. It should be the simplest thing to just wake up and be happy but we spend all of our time being miserable. We have no one to blame but ourselves.

You see, even though the meme was meant to be comical, it is also very true. I remember studying it in psychology. Basically, its all about your perspective. It's easier for people in third world countries to be happy because they look around and they have the same that everyone else has. They're all in the same boat so they don't know any different. But here in America, there's always something more that you could have. We are constantly exposed to advertising for things that we should want to have. We have friends who have more stuff than us and we want to have everything too. This leaves us unhappy because we feel like we're lacking something.

It's easy to be thankful for the things you have. For instance, I'm very thankful that I have a nice apartment and food in my cabinets. I'm thankful that I have a job that allows me to pay for these things. I'm thankful for my computer and internet that are allowing me to write this blog right now. So I should be happy right? I have everything I need to be happy and so much more! I have way more than many people in the world have.

So am I happy? Nope. Because I want the nice house with a yard for my puppy to run around. I want the job that pays the big bucks so that I can afford to buy everything I want and do fun things. I want to be able to go on vacation. I want central air and a dishwasher. I want a new wardrobe and a new ipod that holds more music. I want to be able to buy music from itunes. And so on and so forth......

We're all just making ourselves unhappy because we want to have so much more than we have. I'd love to say that we should just all stop wanting things and be happy with what we have, but I know that's easier said than done. Plus personally, having these desires makes me strive to be better. It makes me want to figure out what to do with my life so that I can have the things I want. I just worry that even when I have those things....there will just be more new wants to replace the old ones. Sigh.

So like the title says....being happy is hard. I'd like to try taking advice from the movie and just have the day I have. No pressure to be happy....no pressure to figure out what I want in life and how to get it. I'd like to just roll with the punches and be thankful for what I do have.

We'll see if that happens!

Thanks Mom!

2012-08-22T17:30:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to take a minute to write a little shout out to my mom! I got paid today and I'm finally back on track with everything but I would've been way worse off if it hadn't been for Mommy! Thanks to her, I was able to go on a trip to Busch Gardens, a trip to Va Beach, and still have my bills paid, gas in my car, and food in my cabinets! Getting adjusted to this living alone and paying my own bills thing has been hard. Luckily, mom was there to bail me out when I spent a little more than I should have. I could have made it by on my own and still been fine...but because mom was willing to help me, I didn't have to stress out! Anyone who knows me, knows that stressing out is kinda my thing so it's nice to not have to every once in a while!

I'm glad she was there but I don't want to be caught in this situation again so I'm going to be much more careful with my money now! :) Sorry friends, that means we gotta do things that are free or we aren't hanging out!

Thank you so much mommy for always being there for me and giving me everything I need to survive! I don't know what I would do without you!

Lots of Love!
<3

This won't take long

2012-08-21T15:32:00.005-07:00

Okay so this post won't be too lengthy because I've got more important things to do like eat, watch how I met your mother, put away groceries, watch how I met your mother, feed the cat, text people who actually text back, and watch how I met your mother. I just need to rant about my crappy day.

So first, I wake up. That's always a bad start to the day. I mean, it's 7am and my house is freezing. Lame. So I get ready for work. There I am, driving on into work like a good employee and this bitch decides that it would be totally fine to pull into the side of me. Luckily, I was onto her game and blew my horn right up her ass so she would move the fuck back into her lane where she belonged. Fucking idiot....driving is not that damn hard.

Then there was work.

After work, I'm on my way to the gym and every fucking one sucks at driving. Like really people, just get out of my way. I'm trying to get to the gym. I finally make it to Planet Fitness and get a workout in. It wasn't too terrible except that my body is falling apart. My foot has been hurting since my trip to Busch Gardens and today my knee starts hurting. Seriously....wtf?

Okay so after the gym was an eyebrow wax and then the grocery store. Tell me why the whole damn population of Roanoke was at Kroger today?? Fat bitches taking up all the aisle space. But I managed to make it out somehow. I just really hate grocery shopping because then when you get home you have to carry all the groceries inside. I need a husband or something to help me carry groceries. Any volunteers?

But before I had the horrible task of carrying the groceries in, I stop at McDonald's. Because obviously, I just worked out so I might as well totally negate that by eating a quarter pounder with cheese and some french fries. wtfever....don't judge me. So anyhow, I go to the drive thru and the chick takes my order. Pull up to window 1 and pay. Pull up to window 2 and chick opens the window and this is how it goes
Her: *idiot face* "hi...."
Me: *you're a fucking idiot face* "hi?"
Her: "what do you need?"
Me: *is this chick for real face* "Um.....my food??"
So I have to tell these damn biddies what I ordered AGAIN so they can get my food together. I mean really......working at McDonald's cannot be that fucking hard. Ridiculous.

Anyhow, on my way home.....I heard this song and I really like it for no particular reason at all. I'm also going to post the lyrics below here....because I really really really really like them.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up...

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, He knows
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...

Okay so that's all.....now on to more important things!

Til next time!
AA

my role model is the guy on the side of the street

2012-07-31T15:33:00.003-07:00

So it's a good thing that I'm not having to write any lame college entrance essays right now because if I got the question "who is your role model?" I'm pretty sure the admissions board would think I'm crazy.

Most people have role models like historical figures, their parents, or celebrities. Not me! I'm original! I have recently decided that my role model is the dude that I keep seeing on the side of the street. I've only seen him four times but every time I see him, he makes me think about my life and what I could be doing to be happier.

Let me tell you a little bit more about my new role model. He's a guy. He stands at a bus stop on Franklin Road. This leads me to believe that he rides the bus which means that he doesn't have regular access to a car. He wears regular clothes (nothing strange about his style) and he wears big headphones. I'm assuming that music is playing through these headphones because he busts a move every time I see him. That's right....he stands there alone at the bus stop and dances to his music.

Do you get it yet? I think its obvious. He just seems so carefree. I don't know what he's got going on his life or anything about him but I know that he stands there dancing as if he doesn't have a care in the world. And he's a badass dancer from what I've seen....jealous of his moves!

I've always liked these sayings and thought they were good advice but I've struggled to put it into practice. I worry a lot in life and sometimes I let my worries prevent me from doing things that make me happy. Then I look and I see this guy being so carefree and it makes me really want to try to live my life like that. I want to be carefree and do what I want without caring what anyone else thinks.

So that's it really! This guy is my new role model. I really thought that this post was culminating into some epic revelation ending but I got nothing....the moral of the story: do what makes you happy and don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

If you bothered to read this, leave me a comment and tell me about your role model! (Not that any of you will....because you all SUCK -except for Emily because she's the only one who comments regularly)

Til next time

being grown up kinda sucks

2012-07-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

Ah so here it is, the post where I admit that my mom was always right. She'll be thrilled of course and I'm sure that you've all seen this coming because you've probably already come to this realization.

So of course, when you're young, you want to be grown up. You want to be independent and do your own thing and not have to answer to anyone. When you voice this desire, everyone says "being grown up sucks, stay young as long as possible, blah blah blah." Well, turns out being independent and whatnot IS as awesome as you thought it would be, but there are certain drawbacks that kinda make it not worth it.

There's being "grown up" like HEYY I'm going to college so I'm away from home but parents still basically support me! And then there's being "grown up" like...I live at home and pay little to no rent but I still get to do what I want!

Then.....there's being real grown up. The kinda grown up where you have your own house and you pay your own bills and buy your own food.

I resided in the first two types of "grown up" for a while and have recently forayed into being a real grown up. I've got my own apartment so I now pay rent, cable, and electricity. That shit's expensive! I'm about to cancel the cable, stick with netflix, and use mom's HBO Go account/go to her place to watch True Blood. Maybe I could just downgrade to basic cable. Really I just need ABC and ABC Family. Hmmmm.....

Anyhow, electricity blows too. Shit costs a different amount every month. How the fuck am I supposed to budget if I never know how much it's going to cost?! Bonus: I pretty much never have my lights on. Downside: my AC only works if it's cold outside so if it's hot, its working 24/7 and I'm lucky if my apartment gets down to 76.

Groceries....what. the. fuck? Food is expensive! At least the food that's good for you is! I'm trying to buy fruits and vegetables and whatnot and that shit costs a lot of money. Then, if you wanna save, you gotta slice it yourself (which is bad if you're disgusted by the sight of seeds). Bah! If I wasn't doing Weight Watchers, I could just buy cheap food but then I'd get fat again. Smh.

Yeh so now I'm broke all the time. Fail. This is definitely going to take some getting used to but I'll figure it out! Every experience you go through, changes you as a person and I believe that living this way will make me appreciate what I will have in the future when I get a real career going where I make more money and won't have to stress as much about being able to pay for everything.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here wishing I could have run away to Neverland and never grown up (Peter Pan = fav Disney movie).

If you can drag out jumping into the real world....do it! Because it's not all fun and games!

Done whining now! Time to go eat or something.....

Leave me a comment if you're still reading (no one does this anymore...fuck ya'll).

AA

people suck at driving.

2012-07-12T17:36:00.001-07:00

So I've been wanting to write this post since I first brainstormed topics for this blog when I was doing it as an assignment for cyberpychology. I never wrote it though because I feel like some people will just read it and be like "What do you know anyway? Women suck at driving...blah blah blah stereotype douche bag statement blah blah"

Today though, I'm in a writing mood and people were pissing me off on the road.

Here are the 3 instances that stick out in my mind from today.

1) I'm driving along about to turn right at a green light. Let's just make sure we're all clear before I go on. The light was green. I was turning right. This means, I have the right of way. Coming from the other way, a woman who also had a green light, was turning left. Now, I'm not sure if you all are aware, but when you're turning left on a green light without a leading green arrow, you're supposed to yield to others who have the right of way (E.g. people like me, turning right....at a green light.) So anyhow, this bitch proceeds to keep turning and not even fucking slow down. Good thing there were two lanes so I just turned into the right lane and she turned into the left but REALLY? You could at least pretend like you're gonna slow down. I wanted to be in the left lane so I had to wait for her ass to get out of my way so I could get over.

2) Only moments later, I'm driving along again and coming up on my right is an entry. There's a yield sign for the people who are coming on. Let's reiterate. People merging onto the road, must yield to people already on the road. So tell me why the person in front of me SLAMS on their brakes as a car is approaching to enter. Come on people?! They can slow down and merge on when there's an opening. IN FACT, it will probably be easier for them to merge on if you just continue going instead of freaking them out by stopping randomly and being awkwardly in their way!!!

3) So upon leaving my destination, I'm driving to go onto the interstate. Now, I'm not sure if you guys know this or not, but the speed limit on the interstate is considerably higher than on other roads. This means that as you approach the interstate, you should speed up so as to avoid being slammed into by cars that are already on the interstate and going that faster speed. What you shouldn't do is SLOW DOWN. REALLY?! Unless it is impossible for you to find a hole to merge into.....put your foot on the fucking gas pedal and get it in!

This is what got me this afternoon....but here are some general rules that I think people forget sometimes.

When the light is green........you go......by hitting the gas. I find a nice memory trick is to remember they all start with G. Green, Go, Gas.

On the contrary, at red lights....you should not go. You should in fact stop. EVEN if you are allowed to turn on red....you should probably stop first....just because it's the law and whatnot.

Those white signs on the side of the roads....maybe you've seen them? They say speed limit and have a number underneath it. That's the speed you should be going. I know that "limit" makes it confusing because it seems as if you have the option to go slower but you can't go faster than that number. This is not true though. You should not be going slower than that number (except in extreme weather conditions). If you are going slower than that number, you are giving people around you permission to ride your ass because some of us have places to be!

Also, if you're approaching an exit....you probably don't need to slow down 20 mph a mile before the exit. Braking slightly before you get off an exit can be acceptable if there is not much room to slow down on the exit or you expect that cars will be backed up. But still......

Turn signals are one of the automotive industry's more genius inventions. They serve the purpose of letting people know when you're going to turn or change lanes. It's almost always a good idea to let others know so you should definitely utilize this genius tool.

Alright people so hopefully you should be good now. I mean, they let 14 year olds operate cars in some states (Alaska, Arkansas, Iowa, Kansas, North Dakota, South Dakota -- if you were curious) so obviously it should not be a hard concept to master.

One last good rule to follow.....don't crash.

Anyhow....leave me a story about sucky drivers in the comments along with any other thoughts you may have. Douche bag stereotype comments about how women are shitty drivers, will be ignored.

Until next time,
AA

This is too good to not share!

2012-06-27T14:06:00.001-07:00

Hey blog world!

I'm sure that you're all supremely interested in what's been going on in my life lately! I've been meaning to write for a while but haven't gotten around to it. After a phone call with my wife, I had the motivation I really needed to write. See, I couldn't go any further without sharing this conversation with you.....

Wife: "And you can sleep over and we can go swimming in his penis shaped pool!"
Me: "Yes, I love penis shaped pools!"
Wife: "I bet! I bet penis shaped pools make you wet."

Well I thought it was hilarious! That's why I love her! :)

Anyhow, so my life is going completely not as expected, as per usual.

I'm supposed to be going to grad school in August right? Too fucking bad I don't qualify for the loans I needed and couldn't get a cosigner! I mean really.....I've been paying on my undergrad loans for 6 months, you would think that would count for something. But WTFever.

Okay so I decided once grad school was off that I needed something else to put my energy into. I needed something else to look forward to.

SO I'm getting my own apartment! :) YAY ME! This will be my first place that I'll live in all by myself (well and with Fuzzle). I'm really excited! I've got lots of stuff bought already and my cable boxes and everything all ready to go! I'm moving on Saturday and Sunday! Woot! I should actually be packing now but it should come as no surprise that I decided to procrastinate by writing a blog post!

Hmm......I really thought I had more interesting things going on in my life. I didn't think this post would be so short........I just can't put my finger on it but it seems like something else is happening. Hmmm nope, can't think of anything. Huh.....weird. You'd think there'd be something else interesting happening.......

Anyhow........as usual, this post is completely random and pointless. The word to leave in the comments for reading is "judging" as in, I am judging you for actually reading this!

AA

jealousy is confusing

2012-05-30T16:38:00.002-07:00

Hello bloggies....I've thought of a topic to write about but we'll see how this goes. I'm unsure if I can actually put my thoughts into words.

See I've been thinking about emotions lately. I feel like most emotions are relatively easy to understand and feel.

If you're happy it's because you're enjoying life and content with everything that you have.

If you're sad, it's because something is wrong that's upsetting you (unless you have depression or PMDD....I've been there, not happy places).

If you're angry, it's because someone has pissed you off. Oh I'm sorry, did I say "someone?" I guess I should revise to "someone OR something"....I'm usually angry about people! And again, this is excluding any emotional disorders that may cause you to feel an emotion for other/unknown reasons (again...PMDD....suckfest)

See....these emotions makes sense. They are what they are. But what is jealousy?

From dictionary.com

adjective

feeling resentment against someone because of thatperson's rivalry, success, or advantages (often followed byof ): He was jealous of his rich brother.

feeling resentment because of another's success,advantage, etc. (often followed by of ): He was jealous of hisbrother's wealth.

characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears orenvious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.

inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry,unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims: a jealous husband.

solicitous or vigilant in maintaining or guarding something:The American people are jealous of their freedom.

Okay, so everyone knows what jealousy is. I guess that wasn't the right question. The better question is.....where does jealousy come from?

If I'm driving down the road and I see someone driving a Lamborghini....1) I'd wonder what the fuck they were doing in Roanoke, VA and 2) I'd probably be super jealous. This falls under the first definition of jealousy and makes perfect sense.

I think the fourth and fifth definitions stick out the most to me. These are the ones that are questionable.

The key word in the fourth definition is "rivalry." Why do we sometimes perceive ourselves as being in competition with other people. Where does this need to "win" come from and what does it mean to win? Do we have to possess the same thing as the other person? Or, if it is a shared item, must we be the sole possessors? And does it have to be sole possession or would a majority be ok? At what point will we be happy? Are we happy to believe that we have more control over the item than the other person? And what does it really matter? Would we even be interested in the item if the other person wasn't also invested in it?

This brings me to the fifth definition. Key word: "guarding." I think, at times in our lives, we come to the understanding that we are the sole possessors of items. Then, as we see those items being interacted with by others, we want to guard that item and keep it for ourselves. This begs all of the same questions as above.

Here's a simple analogy. I have younger cousins so I've seen this happen a lot. Say you have two children playing. They're each playing with separate toys. Child 1 abandons their toy and approaches and interacts with a new toy. Child 2 is suddenly enraged and wants to take the new toy away from Child 1. This is jealousy. But Child 2 didn't want the toy until Child 1 was playing with it.

Why? Why do we feel the need to protect things that are "ours" ??

If you once had interest in something, but now you don't....it shouldn't matter if other people show interest in it. But then when other people do show interest in it, you start to feel the emotion of jealousy and you wonder.....why do I feel this way? It has to stem from some other deep seated emotion. Obviously you still have some sort of fondness left for this item.

Hmmmm......jealousy is confusing. It's a complicated emotion to experience and I suppose the most one can do is to sit and reflect on where it is coming from. But even after writing all of these super vague musings, I'm still unsure there's an answer. Maybe it's possible to experience jealousy for no underlying reason at all. Maybe it really is just as simple as, I don't want other people playing with my toys. We've done it since we were toddlers....maybe it doesn't have to make sense.

Anyhow folks.....if you have any thoughts leave them in the comments for me along with the word "green."

Until next time

Besos y abrazos

Especially if she aspires to work for them someday ;)

how many females does it take to put together a grill?

2012-05-17T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm going to tell the story of mom and I (mostly mom) putting together our new grill. Since a picture is worth 1,000 words (and I have 20 pictures), I'm going to tell the story using only pictures! P.S. the answer to the question in the title is 2....though technically, either of us could have done it alone.

Pinning is winning!

2012-05-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Hello blogosphere! I'm backkkkk! I know you've all been missing my ramblings! Truth is, you're lucky because today I'm sick so I actually have time to write. See, some people think that it's okay to come to work when they're sick for God only knows what reason. The thing is, it's not okay because then other people (e.g. me) catch their sickness. I'm so mad. Most people wouldn't complain about a day off of work but I'm running low on PTO and honestly, I need to keep busy these days to keep my mind off of unpleasant thoughts. So here I am, blogging because I need to be "resting" but I have nothing else to do.

I don't know if I've sung the praises of Pinterest to you all yet but really...it's an amazing website!

Today, I'm going to tell you about my recreation of something I saw on Pinterest! It was a total success and I think that you all should try it since grilling season is upon us!

Here's the original pin and here's the website it leads to which pretty much tells you the same things I'm going to tell you.

BANANA BOATS! I mean...if they sound like they're made of awesome, it's because they are.

Here's what you'll need!
Aluminum foil, bananas, mini marshmallows, chocolate chips, and butterscotch chips. The original site also mentions coconut flakes but I don't like those. You can add whatever yummyness you like....I think at some point, I may sub the butterscotch chips for caramel sauce and see how that does me.

Step 1: Slice your banana in half, longways, down the middle and set it on a piece of aluminum foil.

Step 2: Add all of you ingredients....it's a careful balance between making sure you get enough stuff in there to taste delicious, and making sure it all fits!

Step 3: Wrap up you bananas in the foil

Step 4: put them on the grill, close the lid, and grill for about 10-15 minutes....I prodded at the aluminum foil with the tongs to see how mushy they were. When they seemed good and mushy, I took them off.

Step 5: Optional: Add ice cream (I used vanilla bean)
Step 6: Enjoy! They were so good that I forgot to take the picture until I was halfway done eating it! It may look like a hot mess, but it's delicious!

And that's how you make banana boats!

Don't say I never taught you anything! :)

If you read this post, leave the word "banana" in the comments along with any other thoughts or cool recipes you have!

working out is useless if you don't commit

2012-03-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Oh hey bloggies!

I'm sure you've been missing my musings! So here I am to give you your fill for a while! Recently, I've become obsessed with the "Fitness" page on Pinterest. It has workouts, good foods to eat, etc. So it's gotten me thinking.....

I've been working out pretty consistently since October but I haven't really seen a lot of changes in my body. Here's why:
1) When I do make it to the gym, I'm kinda lazy about it. I don't really go full out on my workout which is just lame.
2) Because I'm working out, I've deluded myself into thinking that means that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.
3) I can't seem to stop eating fattening foods
4) I don't drink enough water

So, I'm sitting here pinning the fitness board again and wondering, could I do it? How hard would it really be to cut out the fattening foods and the sodas and teas? I feel like it'd be really hard at first but then eventually my body would get used to it and the cravings would decrease. Also, I discovered this (click here!) which tells you what to eat when you're craving bad things.

The problem with living a healthy lifestyle is that there's so much to keep up with. Count calories....watch sodium....look out for carbs....don't eat fatty foods.....don't eat this...this is bad for you....don't do that...blah blah blah blah. I mean really....it seems like we should just drink water and eat lettuce all the time! What works?! And what can I personally do so that I don't go crazy?!

I'm definitely going to this: 300 ultimate ab and core workout
It only takes 15 minutes and it seems pretty legit

I'm also going to drink more water! I'm writing it here so that you will all hold me accountable! I've got to start drinking less sweet teas and sodas. This should be easy as long we eat at home. I'll just tell mom not to buy sodas to keep in the house and then I'll have to drink water! Win! Then we just have to actually eat at home instead of going out all of the time.

As far as diet goes....I'm not too bad with breakfast and lunch but I've got to get it together where dinner is concerned. More veggies for one thing and smaller portion sizes!

I'm not concerned with being skinny...I just want to be in fit and feel good about myself.

So anyways, I'm going to get back to pinning, write a grocery list, and make an effort to get myself together. Everything in my life is going great now so I've got to find something new to obsess over....I think obsessing over being fit would be the best idea! :)

I think I'm going to start some sort of reward system for myself where I'll give myself points when I work out and take away points when I drink sodas or tea. I just need to think of what to earn that will be super reinforcing.....hmmmmmmmmm

Sorry this blog was in no way entertaining....I honestly just needed to get some thoughts out. I also know from my sport psychology classes that you can be more successful in a workout regimen if you have a good support system. I'm counting on you guys to support me and help me be successful! I'll try to write and keep you updated on my progress....I'd love it if any of you wanted to make a change too and then we can really support each other! Let me know if you're down for getting fit with me!

Leave me a comment that says "You can do it!" along with any other thoughts you might have!

Until next time my friends,
AA

America’s Next Top Model is Beyond Stupid! (and yet I can’t stop watching)

2012-03-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hello blog friends!

I've got an extremely special treat for you all today! You've come to my blog expecting to read more of my boring ramblings BUT you actually get to read someone else's! Win for you! I was approached the other day by one of my best friends, Elizabeth Dang, who asked if she could write a guest post on my blog. See, she needed to rant but the topic wasn't really appropriate for her own blog. So alas! Here is her very entertaining post about ANTM! :)

I’m Sorry But… America’s Next Top Model is Beyond Stupid! (and yet I can’t stop watching)

Seriously, I have no freaking idea how America’s Next Top Model is on ~~season~~ cycle 18 right now. Clearly they are on the brink of running out of ideas because it’s obvious that they’ve already run out of “good ideas”. Add to the fact that Tyra is completely cray cray and you’ve got some seriously weird TV. And what gets me riled up is that it’s not even about fashion or good photography anymore, which is what originally hooked me on the show. Instead it’s about shitty gimmicks and seeing what flaming hoops Tyra will make these girls jump through week after week.

This new ~~season~~ cycle has been named “British Invasion”. Seven new American girls will compete against seven previous models from Britain’s Next Top Model. This is actually a pretty good concept. However, the photo shoots and challenges have been nothing but stupid so far.

In episode 1, they had to jump on a trampoline and embody a famous person from their respective country while 60 cameras take their picture so that their image will be in 3D. Already that sounds like A LOT and it would have been pretty interesting if these were individual photos. BUT NO, they forced one American girl to pair up with one British girl in the photo. I assume this was to create more tension in the situation, but in the end, it was no surprise that the photos did not look good.

I mean, can someone please tell me what the hell John Lennon has to do with Pocahontas? I guess they both look like gigantic hippies in this picture.

And Amy Winehouse and Andy Warhol? Um they have the same initials and they’re both dead.

And the model portraying Queen Elizabeth I was praised for this photo. Are the judges on crack? How is her face pretty in this shot? She looks like she’s about to sneeze.

Episode 2 was when all the girls were forced to eat disgusting food for no reason and got makeovers. For one thing, Tyra made these girls eat cold haggis and pig’s feet with the implication that which ever team ate all the gross food first, they would be superior. However there was really no prize or advantage at the end for the winner of the “challenge” at all. So really, Tyra just forced them to eat that food… because she just can? That sick bitch.

And then during the makeovers, she gave some girls truly wacky hairstyles. Two girls got pink hair, another got red, white, and blue hair, and another girl got hair that was long on one side and completely shaved on the other. This other poor girl got this shaved into her head.

No real model would ever get hired with that on her head. Mostly because it’s advertising something that not a designer or agency they work for. What is Tyra thinking?!?

And then on their photo shoot they had to pose with Kris Jenner and her youngest Kardashian daughters… acting like toddlers?

How is this fashion? It looks like a circus freak show.

And how is Kris Jenner spoon feeding two grown woman who are acting like babies pretty? I just don’t get it. I don’t at all get it.

GAHHHHH!!!

Amongst all this stupid, why do I find myself tuning in every week? Ummmm I’m not 100% sure. Why do people watch the Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Kardashians? (rhetorical question) I suppose it’s entertaining. It’s mindless television. And sometimes watching a complete train wreck is enjoyable. Some people (like me) are just sick human beings that get pleasure out of seeing people do crazy stupid things and sometimes have a bitchy fight because of it.

Now a lot of people think Tyra is dumb. But in retrospect, she’s not because she takes advantage of the fact that people love this level of crazy stupid. How many other people can make a show last 18 ~~seasons~~ cycles? She also has her own other TV show (which is also full of stupid crazy) and has grown Top Model into an empire worldwide. She has a New York Times best selling novel (guess what it’s called… Model Land and yes, it’s also DUMB!) and perfumes and tons of other products.

What I wish though is instead of all the gimmicks, she just brings back what made the show good in the first place. Really cool fashion and photography with model drama added in. That’s what I personally liked about the show. And I honestly don’t think you need to make girls eat a plate of haggis in order to pull bitchy cat fights out of them. They’re skinny, hungry, models! They’ll do it on their own if you put them in the same room. Remember when someone stole Bree’s granola bars in cycle 5 and she tackled a bitch to the ground. That was better entertainment that watching Kris Jenner feed girls baby food.

The end!

That was a lovely guest post! I'm actually really excited about it so if any of you ever want to write a guest post, just let me know and I'll put it up for you! :) I think the world deserves to hear everyone's ramblings!

And because I know that you all loved reading Elizabeth's writing, check out her blog! CLICK ME!

If you've read made it here to the bottom, leave a comment saying "Elizabeth is awesome!" and leave any thoughts that you might have about ANTM!

Til next time my loves!