Thoughts from A Fat Chick

It's probably time...

2014-01-03T08:57:00.003-08:00

Man, it's hard to believe that I have let so much time go by without writing something - as though my thoughts are anything more than a form of 'emotional vomit' but nevertheless they bring me comfort (or did, I think). Why I haven't written is more than likely due to the fact that there has been just too much to write about and most of it is stuff that isn't for the public, so to speak. I like my emotional vomit moments as much as anyone else, but I don't like to give up too much information to many.   Which leads me to this post...

Over the last year, there has been so many changes to trying to make things different in me that I can't quite even intimate how 'inside my head' I have been, without saying it exactly in those terms.   The stuff between my ears seems to have gotten more and more extensive, rather than less. It is inversely correlated with each and every pound I have lost, regained, re-lost, regained, re-lost, etc. In fact, it is very much like I never had gastric bypass surgery because I am in the same emotional mire of eating what I shouldn't (but in smaller amounts obviously), feeling guilty and eating more OR not eating at all for fear of 'getting fat' again. Let's face it, in my head I am and probably always will be 'fat.' It's too hard to think of being anything that what I have always been. The periods of healthiness between birth and now have been so minute that I almost can't remember them, and when I do, I still remember thinking at that time - "Man, I wish I wasn't so fat!"

Someone recently told me "You're mind is golden and you're heart is platinum." I should have been excited as those are things that are noble. What I wanted, honestly, was "You rock my gypsy soul!" Seriously warped that my looks, nay, my vanity has trumped being intelligent and good of heart.   Yet here I sit, baring my soul and exchanging this little nugget because I have been told in this awesome group of friends I have acquired that the secrets keep us sick.

So, with that, I am done for NOW, but not forever. I plan to stick with or get back to this - whichever is more appropriate - blog thing as it appeals to me and to a few followers.

May you be blessed as you trudge this road of happy destiny...)I so much love this that I need to repeat it and to those of you that are aware of it's origins) then until we meet again...

Arrested Development (and not the show either)

2012-06-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Arrested Development

By Barb Beck

June 4, 2012

It is human to have a long childhood; it is civilized to have an even longer childhood. Long childhood makes
a technical and mental virtuoso out of man, but it also leaves a life-long residue of emotional immaturity in him.

— Erik Homburger Erikson (1902-1994)

It has come to my attention throughout the last three years, between my personal journey with weight loss, and through helping others with their journeys that development and developmental processes are at the fore of what makes us click as humans. Reading comments in forums, other blog posts, and having random conversations in support groups have helped me to understand that this topic is not understood well by the layperson or by the professional alike. Perhaps it was all those years in school being bored with this topic that prevented me from seeing it sooner, but I have since established a personal theory (untested and without any real formative data or an extensive literature review, so not reliable or valid either) that folks who have struggled with obesity are more likely to struggle with developmental issues or what others might call issues of maturation.

Erik Erikson (1950) stated that there were developmental milestones that were to be expected at certain ages, barring any out of the ordinary traumas, circumstances, or situations (emphasis added) which help adults to their full potential. Unlike other developmentalists of his time (i.e., Piaget, Vygotsky, Harlow, etc.) he believed that our jobs as humans was to develop from birth to death. His stages are: 1. Infancy: Birth to 18 Months - Ego Development Outcome: Trust vs. Mistrust - Basic strength: Drive and Hope; 2. Early Childhood: 18 Months to 3 Years -

Ego Development Outcome: Autonomy vs. Shame - Basic Strengths: Self-control, Courage, and Will; 3. Play Age: 3 to 5 Years -Ego Development Outcome: Initiative vs. Guilt -Basic Strength: Purpose; 4. School Age: 6 to 12 Years - Ego Development Outcome: Industry vs. Inferiority -Basic Strengths: Method and Competence; 5. Adolescence: 12 to 18 Years - Ego Development Outcome: Identity vs. Role Confusion

Basic Strengths: Devotion and Fidelity; 6. Young Adulthood: 18 to 35 - Ego Development Outcome: Intimacy and Solidarity vs. Isolation -Basic Strengths: Affiliation and Love; 7. Middle Adulthood: 35 to 55 or 65 - Ego Development Outcome: Generativity vs. Self-absorption or Stagnation -Basic Strengths: Production and Care; and, 8. Late Adulthood: 55 or 65 to Death - Ego Development Outcome: Integrity vs. Despair Basic Strengths: Wisdom. Thus, despite becoming an adult in the eyes of society, it might be very clear that one is not developmentally an adult in the eyes of the psychological world. Each step or stage is one that a person must master in order to be a full adult.

Another very interesting personal who discussed development and how it makes a person into their adult, final selves is Abraham Maslow (Maslow, 1937). Yes, these theories are old but they have withstood the tests of time. Maslow believed that one must go through stages, like Erikson, to achieve full human potential. His stages are as follows:

Whether a person believes in either of these two theories on development or any of the other theories, they have many things in common – people move through stages or periods of time, conquering certain skills, and depending on how one is nurtured and what type of natural environment, this person will either develop on schedule or not. It is the category of NOTS that I am interested in today.

I have viewed the developmental states of countless of people in my job, but have paid very little attention to my own developmental level. I assumed (wrongly, of course, as the saying goes) that I was plugging along just fine. But, if I read Erikson’s fourth, fifth and sixth stages, I do believe that I have somehow arrested my development within these stages. I fluctuate between knowing who I am and trying to find who I want to be. I have interiority complexes abound. I feel very much like I can do it one moment, and then find the confusion so great that I am immobilized. This is still true, despite my education, age, and experience in life. Thus, I am still a child who is trying to figure out who they wish to be and am stuck at about the age where my weight issues first began. I have had periods of time where I knew exactly who I was, did not feel inferior and didn’t get confused about my existence. But, by and large, I have struggled with these stages.

And then, whammo! I had weight loss surgery. There is no doubt in my mind that those who have worked with the weight loss surgery community from a psychological perspective know all too well about this volatile period. Erikson’s period of Identity vs. Role confusion (ages 12 to 18) and Maslow’s period of belongingness and esteem needs come slamming at us, full speed, forcing us to finally rectify the lack of development in these areas. Being a normal weight, our fat and fat persona is no longer one that we can hide behind and we are forced to develop. But, to develop, we must flounder, learn from our mistakes, and do things differently than we ever have done before. Is it any wonder that the people who know us best in this life are often surprised by the NEW person that stands before them. Not to me – I have studied this junk (supposedly in detail -- please don’t tell Dr. Hicks) and I was still not prepared for the work that it entails. In fact, I vehemently denied the fact that I was changing. However, I am not so ignorant to admit that I was wrong. Changing is the point. We don’t go through weight loss surgery to just change the outer being – most of us work on changing the inner being as well. The one that feels inferior because she was picked on in school by the cool kids, cheerleaders or jocks. The boy who was laughed at for being a little “mama’s boy” and didn’t have a place in this world that felt safe except for with food. The 16 year old who was forced to have sex earlier than she wished because the approval junkie within and her inability to decipher her inferiority issues as normal developmental issues couldn’t keep her from making this mistake; each of these people are trying to overcome the developmental milestones missed as a result of food, food related issues and the normal propensity of temperament and the environment in which they lived.

So, while some harken what is going on to a specific stage or time in high school, I would like to extend the thinking to something more natural. We develop as beings unless something gets in the way. For many of us, food was in the way for a long time. Now, we are doing the things that we would have done if the obstacle wouldn’t have been there. If you have partners, perhaps they should read this primer and understand that while the behavior is unacceptable it serves a purpose – reaching the correct developmental stage or perhaps even self-actualization. I am not writing this with the intent to give people a free pass on behaviors – because that’s not who I am or what I am about. I just want people to understand themselves, and have one theory out there (I am sure someone much more intelligent than me has written this very same thing in much more cogent and intellectual manner) that might help others understand why adult people who seemingly had it all ‘together’ have all of a sudden made decisions that no one thought possible.

So, it rests with you. Understand the developmental issues of people and the goals that all humans are trying to overcome. Keep striving to get past those issues and through these developmental stages. But do so knowing that there’s a reason that isn’t related to being bad, guilty, no good, stupid, inferior or lacking in some way. You are just trying to get to the same place everyone else is trying to get….[1][2][3]

[1] Erikson, E.H. (1950). Childhood & Society. New York: WW Norton and Company.

[2] Maslow, A. (1937) "The Comparative Approach to Social Behavior" Journal of Social
Forces (15), 487-490

[3] Harder, A. (2012). Support for change. Retrieved from: http://www.support4change.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=108 on June 4, 2012

All you need is love...

2012-05-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have heard this song over and over again in my life and often wondered what it truly meant. The logical part of me is like "What! That's ridiculous! If you don't have food and water, you certainly can't live off love." However, now that it seems like the world is out of love to share for one another (at least from my current perspective) I have to wonder if The Fab Four weren't prophetic.

Many things have me thinking about this. My uncle passed. This is the 8th significant death in my family in 5 years. Our family is not known for showing love for one another, and my lack of talking to him more than once every 2 years on average is illustrative of this. My dad's family has a lot of alcoholism and a lot of emotional stagnation, which I don't wish to go into at great length here other than to say I tend to be a little withdrawn like them. I love my family and would do anything for them, but I am not the one to usually reach out first. That's going to change.

My feelings have been so over the place since my hysterectomy (yes, I had this procedure, and many other things have happened since I last bored you with my inane banter) but I do believe that much of it is warranted. People are just outright mean. It isn't setting boundaries, are trying to communicate, or anything. It's just outright mean. And this meanness is as the heart of why my dad's side of the family wasn't very close and why, many of us are obese (in my opinion). Stunting your emotions will only make you have to deal with them later - they may hurt - but they can hurt now on your terms or they can hurt later with consequences you don't like.

So, this is my life....emotionally I am at wits, financially too. I work 15+ hours a day but that isn't enough. I will lose a job soon the only real one that makes money. I don't even know if I have the passion I once did. Again, all I need is love.

But it's a double edged sword, because love (or approval) has always been something I have striven for and it hasn't been the best for me. It has challenged my integrity many times. It has burnt me to the core. It has made it hard for me to trust that people won't trample all over my heart but it has made me do just about anything to show them how important it is to be 'perfect' and accepted by them.

I am rambling. The loss of my uncle comes on the wake of a very good moment in my life. As boring as my journey may be to someone else, my hometown newspaper ran a HUGE article about me and about the Walk from Obesity that I planned for Spokane, Washington. And we didn't do too badly. The idea of the walk is to help AMSBS raise money for research on the efficacy and benefits of WLS and to advocate to legislature and insurance companies to make sure that this much needed option remains a part of the benefits. It hit home to me that 30 years ago or more, when my uncle who just passed was diagnosed with diabetes (in an ethnic group whose rate is higher than any other - American Indian), this surgery being out there might have helped him to live a longer life, not lose a leg, and not lose some of the things that he enjoyed (hunting, fishing, gambling :) ). Unfortunately, this surgery wasn't part of the normal process, he was on social security for as long as I could remember, and he had acromegaly in the years when treatment for this was rather sketchy. He went home to his children, BJ and Jamie, his parents, and his sisters - as well as countless other family members 90% whom where obese, or at least overweight. This doesn't strike me odd. Being FAT kills. Yet treatment of this disorder, including behavioral health (which in my opinion is just as important as the actual restriction/malabsorption medical procedures) is still being questioned. The Centers of Excellence have not included behavioral health as a requirement to my knowledge, but there are many studies about regain and how mental health impacts this. In order to have WLS, you have to have a psychological evaluation, but ongoing treatment is sketchy. If we are going to treat this disease, let's treat it right. Let's not show fantastical shows on the latest fad diets, etc (SHAME ON YOU ABC and 20/20) without showing a viable one, even if there are complications and problems connected to it.

In a world that love is so important, why isn't there the understanding that behavioral health and even plastic surgery is part of the weight loss package. And why, oh why do so many of us lack love for ourselves as well as have to watch loved ones die as a result of obesity related illnesses? It's a question easily answered - the almighty dollar. Sad that money is more important than Love. I suspect that The Fab Four would be disgusted...as am I.

DonorDrive®

2012-03-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

DonorDrive®

This is the FIRST Walk From Obesity for Spokane. Please come out and show your support for advocacy for the treatment of obesity and obesity related illnesses!!

DonorDrive®

2012-02-24T15:37:00.001-08:00

DonorDrive®

This is the first Walk From Obesity done in Spokane Washington. Because of the success that I have achieved with the help of the surgeons and staff at Rockwood Clinic Bariatric Surgery Center, we have decided it is high time that we represent the type of health community that Spokane is and wishes to become. I challenge my local friends and family to come out and walk the 1 mile or 3 mile course, in support of obesity and obesity related issues. I challenge my other friends and family to consider donating, even if it is what you might consider a small amount, because no amount is too small when it comes to fighting for the rights of people who are marginalized and disenfranchised from this world strictly due to their size. I hope you will join me and the many sponsors who will be present on April 28, 2012 in Spokane. I am a one-woman show at this time, and I am organizing this quickly, but it is going to be a terrific event. You won't want to miss it and the inspiration it brings.

Another special shout out to Wellesse Vitamins who have become my first sponsors of this event. If you are a facebook or twitter person, go like their page. Also, go to Rockwood Clinic's page and show them some love as well. We are a community where it still matters that we love each other and work together. I have no doubt that this will be another one of those events.

My Nephew and My Dad - smarter than I will ever be

2012-02-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

When I think about my weight and all that I have done to lose weight, maintain a particular weight, and 'be normal' I have to think that most of it until about 3 years ago wasn't very sane. I mean, I was in Weight Watchers a lot, but I still had disordered thinking about food and about emotions. I have been really reflecting in life lately and I realize that there were two people (one I know pretty well and one I didn't know as well as I wanted to) that were very wise people for two very different reasons. The first is my dad. He suffered a lot being raised by alcoholic parents and with significant poverty. He learned the value of work. He learned the value of just moving on, despite the pain and agony and hurt. I don't think he learned to be in tune with his emotions, but he is 70+ years old, so I will give him a pass. However, when I would stress about not being perfect or just right or thin enough, he would somehow say things that made sense despite not getting similar guidance when he was younger. He would remind me that I was a good person, despite the vessel I was in, and that worrying, crying, being overly dramatic about it wouldn't really change my situation. He would talk to me about what I could do. My mother also did this too, but for some reason I heard it better from my dad (probably daddy's little girl syndrome). I always thought about the way that he was raised, and how he decided to do differently despite the odds. He didn't drink. He didn't say overly critical or mean things. He didn't yell and he didn't berate a person for things they weren't able to do. He was probably the first person who taught me that different wasn't deficient. He would take me to work with him in the summer, and show me how to do things, and was pretty patient. He would take me fishing, camping, hunting - same result. The idea was to just live and try to enjoy. I know that he wasn't very happy for many years of his life, and that he was not given support and encouragement as a child in that same way. Perhaps he did, but from my experience with our family I think it would have come from his dad too. I digress really - what I am trying to say is that he always told me that it was my behavior that was going to be my trouble - nothing else. I have tried to live by that rule in all things but by eating, particularly in my adult years. I have tried to work hard, and I have tried to keep my feelings in check, but I did that through food. I just became the addict his parents were, but with food instead of alcohol. Perhaps he did too, as he struggles with weight, but it wasn't until the last few years that he started to lose his life.

My second experience was with my nephew Seth. He was my first husband's nephew, but they always allowed me into their life. In fact, I knew Seth's dad before I knew my first husband. He passed away this summer, but he LIVED right up to the end. He didn't stop living. When people would come to him and be upset, he would say, I want to live and I am probably not going to because of this cancer, but you can LIVE for me and do the things I can't do. Like my father, this resonated with me. He didn't have it easy and he didn't have it great, but LIFE mattered more to him that feeling bad, being miserable, and not taking care of ourselves. He died before he could live, but in ways, he lived more of a life than I have in nearly 40. He tried new things, he wasn't embarrassed by his personal differences, he embraced the differences of others, and loved them for it. He didn't spend his life in perpetual question of himself. Like my father - he just LIVED. I am sure there was internal strife, but he did things like write lyrics and draw to get that out. He LIVED. He told me just before he passed away to not cry but LIVE. So, as I write this, I am CRYING and living.

My other nephew was killed and I didn't know him. I saw him two times in his life for reasons too hard to express here. I feel like he wanted to LIVE but didn't know how. My Uncle Bill passed a year ago yesterday, and I know he wanted to LIVE. He was so full of life when I was kid and he was an integral part of my growing up - bringing his kids with us camping, and playing and enjoying. My husband just lost his grandmother - who lived through the depression, cancer, the death of her daughter through 4 grueling years of cancer, and the loss of her loving husband. Yet, she was very positive and loving and LIVED despite those things.

I guess the meaning of life is to LIVE it.....

2012-01-31T22:10:00.001-08:00

I am looking for people who would be willing to send samples and information for improving health or participate/sponsor The Spokane Walk From Obesity. This walk is a national fundraising event that raises awareness and funds to improve the quality of life and health of those affected by obesity. The mission of the walk is to bring together all who are affected by obesity to draw national attention to the need for awareness, treatment and advocacy initiatives. This is the first one done in SPOKANE! I need your help! The walk is planned for April 15tH, 2012. If I could get an interview or a shout out I would really appreciate it. My number is 5094311875 Spokane is my home town and I want to show what we can do! If you are willing to help out in any way, please contact me and I will provide you with more information, proof of the donation for tax purposes, and with sponsorship will add you to our Tshirts and brochures.

Leza's Prague Exchange

2012-01-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

Leza's Prague Exchange: Help Leza get to Prague for her foreign exhange experience

What next...

2012-01-12T16:05:00.001-08:00

I am so weary - I have been thinking about what it would be like to be thin my whole life. What happens if I get there? What else will I have to obsess about? What else will I be - my identity is wrapped up in being the fat chick or the person who is constantly on a diet. Where will I go? Where will I end? I am a very confused person right now...

Ok, so I lied

2012-01-08T11:14:00.000-08:00

My previous post was supposed to be the next 5 things I lost in my obesity, but I only posted 3. I guess I lied (or I can't count-which is highly likely having gone to Cheney High School). How many of you have a list like this? How many of you are willing to admit that you have lost your life as a result of your weight? How many of you think that you are actually going to die sooner if you don't make healthier choices? I know that, in the middle of my worst eating, I believed that it would happen to someone else. My dear friend Crystl said to me - 'You used to always say you are fat, but you are healthy. That just isn't true. You are sick all the time.' Denial? I think so! I believe that there are times when I still am in denial about my weight and health. I wonder when I will be able to completely conquer this monster? I don't know, but I do know that I am no longer going to be in denial which will keep me ready to focus and fight off the obesity beast.

9. Ride in a plane. While 600+ lbs, you really can't ride in an airplane and keep any modicum of pride. People will make fun of you. People will complain that you are taking their space. Let's face it - space is a precious commodity on an airplane and even normal weight people don't often have enough room. I still have not been in a plane, but it's not because of my obesity. It is because I can't afford an airplane ride ;)

10. Clip my own toenails. I had to ask my husband to do it. I had to have him do pretty much anything that required that I bend or maneuver around my mass. I could have went to the pedicurist, but...

11. Fit in the pedicurist chair. 600+ lbs is a lot of weight. You don't fit in many places. Most pedicure chairs will fit you, but you have to sort of climb up into them. That's not something I could do. Thus, I had to have my husband do my toenails. I now, lovingly, go and get my toes done as much as I need because I CAN DO IT!

12. Walk into a room without everyone starting - I would like to think that if people are staring now they are doing so because I am glamorous and not frightening. I remember when I tried to go to a gym one time. Everyone around me was staring because I was so sweaty and my face was so red. Someone even asked me if I was having a heart attack - no, I was just moving my 600+ lb. mass.

13. Fit in the dentist's chair - I had to maneuver in and hope that one of the arms would move up. It was always humiliating. And then, the people in the office are embarrassed and upset because they can't accommodate me. When people say that their obesity doesn't impact anyone but themselves, I argue differently. My obesity impacted everyone around me - in one way or another.

14. While we are talking professional chairs - I couldn't fit in many waiting room chairs. I actually broke a chair/bench in my son's eye doctor's office. I was mortified. I sat down, and the chair fell apart. I landed on the floor, and the entire office was shocked. People snickered. I was so embarrassed. And then I had to have the conversation about whether I needed to pay for what I broke. They told me no but I am sure that they weren't happy that I single-handedly broke their bench.

15. Tie my own shoes - I could tie my shoes, but they would be to the side of the shoes. And I always tied by shoes in double knots so that they wouldn't untie and I wouldn't be forced to re-tie them on the street or in public. It would be impossible to just bend over and tie them back up. (BTW, I can do tie my shoes and wear NORMAL people boots now - not the wide leg ones).

What types of things are holding you back? You might not be struggling with obesity and food, but there are probably things that you are allowing hold you back. Today is as good a day as any to get those things back in order in your life...

Man, am I glad it is Friday

2012-01-06T15:28:00.001-08:00

And that's just about all I have to say about that...

The next 5...

2012-01-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

6. Go somewhere without being made fun of. Within a week of surgery, I took my little one to McDonald's to the playland. (I know, I know). He was playing in the area and a pair of mom's were going at it, because one mom's child was mean to the other mom's child. One mom was not anywhere near the play area, and when she was called out on that, she got upset. She was getting aggressive, so I said, "You need to calm down and resolve this without being aggressive." She said, "What do you know, if you could even get out of that chair to play with your kid, maybe you would have seen what was going on?" I had WLS the week before, but I was so tempted to show her how fast a 500 lb woman could move and show her what could happen. As it is, I can now play and enjoy the play area, and we don't go often, but we do go (after all, it's not about the food - it's about the behaviors and the other stuff.

7. Enjoy a day out without sweating to death - I haven't been able to spend time doing things without sweating to death. I mean, I couldn't do anything without sweating. I would sweat, and sweat, and sweat. It was very embarrassing. I would walk 10 feet and would sweat. That doesn't happen anymore. I am very cold much of the time, primarily as a side effect of WLS, but it's nice not to sweat soo much :)

8. I can't fit into an amusement park ride: Over the summer, I was able to fit in an amusement park ride and it was a lot of fun. I couldn't believe how much fun it was to get to be in a ride with my child. In 2007, I went to Disneyland with the family and I couldn't barely walk around the park. In fact, I rented one of those machines on one day. So, in less than three years, I have returned to the land of the amusement park rather than being the amusement to others (yes, there really are those types of mean people out there).

What the hell do with all of this clutter?

2012-01-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

When I started on my weight loss journey I did this journaling experience where I wrote down all the things that I lost and was gonna get back in my new, reduced weight and healthy life. I think it is time to admit some of these things to someone other than myself.

This is me. This is some of my clutter! this is the first time I would share with the world what my weight has done to my body. At one point, in my life, I was thin and wasn't wrinkly, skin-wrinkled, and full of yuck. It was a long time ago. I did this current version of me to myself.

This is the last time I had a all the things in my list that I wanted to recover. Mind you, I thought I was fat.

Here's my progression, but here's not what I lost and had to regain. The list was 1733 when I quit. I am going to attempt to share some of them. Many of them are shameful. It's important I share those. Many of them are disgusting to others - share even if you have to be mean - I am stronger than I used to be.

1.   Be able to wipe my own ass and not leave streaks - this was obtained after losing about 100 lbs.
2.   Be able to fit into a car - nearly any car - and wear seat belts. This was obtained in about 150 lbs.
3.   Be able to help out my children, family, husband, and friends because I couldn't walk - this happened in about 3 weeks from surgery.
4.   Be able to look myself in the mirror to put on makeup and do my hair - other than a pony tail. This happened about 6 weeks post surgery.
5.   Be able to respect myself - this still hasn't happened totally but I am trying

I am going to reclaim each of those 1733 things in my life. I am not going to allow myself to self-destruct and sit idly by allowing my behaviors (not the food) destroy me. In second grade I was tortured for being 212 lbs. In 6th grade the whole class told me they didn't want to be my friend. I have struggled with trying to make people like me = even if that meant lying, giving, stealing, or manipulating to make it happen.

I am not blaming the mean people who hurt me in life. I blame myself for not being a surviver or a thriver. I blame myself for not accepting help sooner. I blame depression and anxiety that was ingrained and scared me to do things and prevented my motivation to do anything to take care of me. I have looked back at successful moments in my life and I am incorporating them. I am going to list 5 things every few days I have lost and hopefully have regained here for me - and maybe for you. I hope to be helpful to someone other than myself.

Parting shot: internalized hatred is at the core of this. Discrimination and oppression, despite your difference, force you into disordered thinking (not always, there are those that are resilient). I am not resilient. I am scared and afraid and often alone with this these thoughts. That's where you come in.

Now, where's that magic wand? I guess it's me...

2012-01-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to wrap my brain around this for at least a week, and it has taken me this long to try to get to the point where I can write something coherent about the situation.

It was the 23rd of December and we were going to my parents' house for the holiday. I knew that there would be a lot of cookies and candies - this is part of what my family does for the holidays and I don't think that other people should suffer because I have a problem with food.

However, I didn't realize what a HUGE problem with food I had (well, maybe I did, but I tried to ignore it) until the full spread was there in the living room. The previous year I had only been about 8 months away from surgery, so my RNY tool was working at it's full max and I wasn't hungry. I was able to withstand the food onslaught - and we went to my older sister's house who has also had RNY and she is very much on the program. Anyway, I saw the spread and it was an instant panic attack.

Within an hour of the second day of being there and being awake, I made myself sick on a popcorn ball. I ate the whole thing. The issue is - it didn't stop there. I got sick, had to take a nap and sleep off the carb coma and nausea, and then I still went and ate carmel, and molasses cookies, and more and more.

On Christmas eve, after we unwrapped the presents and had the hoopla, my mother asked me what was wrong. I totally and completely broke down and started crying. I told her that the food was too much. It was like dropping a heroin addict into a room full of the good stuff. She said that the only way that she could show love or celebrate was with the food because they didn't have much money. I know that they had to spend a ton on the food - it's expensive to make handmade goodies. I don't want any gifts! I don't want this! And I sure as hell don't want more food when I know that I can't stay away.

I don't know if there will be a time when I will be strong enough to completely stay away from food. I don't know if there will be a time where my family, who all has a problem with food, will realize that it's the behaviors and the situation that is the problem. If you make a ton of food, the people in our family will eat a ton of food.

It's almost a predetermined self-sabotage waiting to happen.

2011-12-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

‎30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself (would love to reference this but I have no idea - received from a friend in an email)

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started---

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

‎11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

2011-12-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

I just did the very thing that illustrates to me that internalized hatred is alive and well! We definitely internalize the things we hear and sometimes, even, believe that it is okay to repeat them. I saw a picture of a buffalo in an online support group - totally benign thing. But I immediately thought of a fat joke - and a racist joke - the minute the picture came up. AND, I told it! What in the world is wrong with me? I know exactly what is wrong with me - we have been taught that saying negative things about fat people and people of color is FUNNY! IT IS NOT! Not in any way - differences are not funny. They have no value at all - they just exist. Difference is not deficient! I must remember this! We all must remember this!

2011-12-21T07:04:00.001-08:00

So, this is the bumper sticker that I saw on a truck the other day. You know the truck; big, and jacked up - wench in front, heavy duty tires, 5 miles to the gallon in gas, full of dirt, and sometimes with a flag from the antenna. This is the type of 'comedy' that is still allowed in this world. I have realized that there are many 'funny' things out there that are hurtful, and this journey of really changing my life to be a different person - a different identity other than fat chick - has made me very aware. I have seen others: a Native American person dancing and the slogan "White man can't dance" - the movie from the 80's "White Men can't jump" - "NO FAT Chicks" - etc. etc. It's disheartening that a world as diverse and educated as ours still finds crude and mean things like this funny. I have, myself, participated in things like this. I happen to love t-shirts with funny slogans. I currently have two that I am going to really consider never wearing again - "Blondes might have more fun but brunettes can read" and "Shuffling: another thing the White Man stole." I don't know what compels us to scapegoat another's differences to make us feel better.

I had the wonderful experience of participating in a mindful eating exercise last night. It was interesting. People didn't like not talking and didn't like the exercise at first. I think that overall it was an okay experience, and I had one person who verbalized it was tough for her because it was the VERY first time it became aware to her that she might have an issue with food. Internalized hatred is part of this type of experience. Large people have learned to hate themselves, because of bumper stickers like the one above. They have learned from the world that they aren't acceptable - it's a generalized learning about not being acceptable in ALL areas. I mean, in reality, the essence is that being fat is bad, but as people we compartmentalize and turn the general statement regarding the disgusting nature of fatness into general disgust for oneself. Psychology has studied this for years. Internalized hate and oppression leads to depression/sadness/fear/anxiety/helplessness and hopelessness. When a person feels completely ineffective in changing the emotions/actions of themselves or the opinions of others - they often get stuck... Stuck in the bad food cycle, stuck in the ugly emotions of feeling and being different, and stuck in the guilt/shame/eat cycle that leads many of us to obesity.

I have had someone remind me over and over again (Thanks, Beth!) that it was never about the food. It's about these things - it's about our minds, bodies, and spirits. It is about getting the rest of the world to understand that our differences doesn't make us something abhorrent and disgusting. Nothing about human is abhorrent and disgusting (well, maybe a few things), but not about the nature and existence of them (no matter size, race, age, creed, color or custom). When this issue is tackled, many of us can be free. Unfortunately, I don't see the world changing quickly. So, freedom comes from thinking about freedom. It comes from thinking that leads to the emotions brought out by stickers like the one above - so simply - STOP THINKING, it ONLY Hurts the Ball Club (Thank you Kevin Costner and Bull Durham). Let your actions be your guide. Eating and health is serious business. Become aware of your feelings (they won't kill you), don't hide from them with food, make intentional and mindful decisions, and LOVE YOU!

What is the culture behind this...

2011-10-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking (I know a true rarity). One of my passions is the oppressed. As a professional, I have always written about and worked to help the most disenfranchised and marginalized people in society (primarily the poor and those with mental illness). I have also studied cultures and how cultural norms impact culture and behavior. As I experienced over the weekend, and have seen on message boards today, I liken the WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) community to a group of marginalized and disenfranchised people who are working to overcome the emotional dysphoria that is present as a result of the oppression it has experienced. Essentially, the obese (very oppressed in society) become the WLS people (also ostracized and oppressed) and this culture is wrought with the emotional upheaval that comes with change. As time goes on, the WLS community is building, and with that - people join with their own backgrounds, their own ideations, their own cultural attitudes. All of this collides into this new culture that is new and not very well known. In this, comes the attempt to become empowered. New cultures that come out of oppression strive to obtain empowerment. There are two ways to do this: aggression and assertiveness. Martin Luther King Jr spoke of assertiveness. But, as we are biologically based to fight when feeling endangered, many of us (including me as I sit on my soap box) use aggression to fight for our power and control. I have to wonder if some of what the WLS community is experiencing isn't what people who have risen from the ashes of oppression (Natives, African Americans, poor, mentally ill folks, children, the LGBTQ community, the obese) is the first stages of gaining this new identity in a world where differences are discouraged...

Wow!

2011-10-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I can tell that I don't put my thoughts down here enough, because it was next to impossible to find how to post a new thought today. I am not the type of blogger that makes their money by doing this (though that wouldn't be horrible) nor am I very well written. I just have thoughts on my mind that I need to get out and if, in some way, that helps another person, then so-be-it. I have been consumed with thoughts for the last few months. There have been so many astronomical changes in my life is the last 19 months (that's how long it has been since I had surgery and have tried to make my life one that is not relegated to being the fat chick). It seems like every patient I see has problems with approval and the with the need to be approved of by someone. It seems like everything in my life is about my future identity and how I am going to recapture it now that I am not the fat girl of the group anymore. I look in the mirror and I see me. I don't see the fat person I used to be, so I guess that is good. I see the much smaller version with the saggy skin. I see the person with wrinkles, and zits, and other war wounds associated with weight loss surgery. I see that my hair is shorter, because I had to cut it off since my nutrition has not been as good as I could make it. I see the new me and I sorta like it. This could, quite possibly be, the first time in nearly 39 years that I have looked in the mirror (for a while there I wouldn't look at all)and actually liked what I see. But, the new me and the old me haven't quite reconciled. I mean; I don't even really know who the new me is yet. I was so used to being the fat girl that I don't know if I can grasp what being something else entails. I don't have to be the brunt of jokes from society. There was an article that recently came out in a magazine where a doctor (who has since publicly apologized) wrote about the jokes that he and some of his colleagues have shared at the expense of large people he has seen in the Operating Room. These jokes weren't very nice, but they do reflect more of the norm in society. FAT people are free game. Some comedians have even made money on their size and their ability to poke fun at themselves (and other people of great size). However, this is just another way to rationalize away the emotions connected with being fat and having the world tell you that you aren't valuable or that you are a JOKE! I am not a joke. I have never been a joke, even though I have spent the majority of my life fat. I have been a serious person, with serious emotions, and serious needs since I was born. I just didn't believe that until recently. I hope that, if you are reading this, you are considering your worth and how to reclaim it. I hope that you believe, even if it is for the first time, that you have value. WE ALL DO! Doesn't matter the package we come in - we are valuable as humans! If you have a disability of some sort, you are not less valuable as someone how does not. If you are popular, and rich - that doesn't make you more valuable than someone who is not. If you are the most popular blogger in cyberspace, you're thoughts aren't particularly more valuable than anyone elses. You just are! That being you is all that you ever need to be! Fat or thin, short or tall, smart or not....just be you!

Tired just doesn't explain it...

2011-09-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely tired of hearing things like, "You would be so pretty if..." and "Wow, that fat lady on Mike and Molly..." or "Did you see how fat..." These are the snippets of information that attempt to go into my brain all day long. I stop them before they get there, but knowing how information is processed in the noggin, I know that the seed has been planted, and therefore, I will still internalize the gist of what was being said - FAT PEOPLE are not equal to everyone else.

When I was in the 6th grade, I struggled A LOT! I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to fit in so badly, that I pretty much did whatever I could to make that happen. In fact, I would lie, steal, cheat, or _________(insert here) just to get someone to like me. I grew up in a small town and pretty much everyone knows everyone there. I was involved in Camp Fire (which was fantastic and still many of my best memories are from these experiences) but by 6th grade the lines between cool and uncool were quickly being delineated. I soon realized that I was on the uncool side. I wanted to be cool so badly! So, if someone said they did so and so, I would lie and say I did so and so too. You can see where this is going. Eventually, I alienated myself even further from everyone, because I was uncool, FAT, and a liar. I got a letter from EVERY girl in my 6th grade class. They all signed it and basically told me how much they hated me. They called me fat, and liar, and stupid, and worthless. Luckily, there were some other friends of mine in the other 6th grade class that didn't participate.

And, there were two girls, Bethany and Patty, who weren't a part of it. They were probably considered uncool too, but on the day I got that letter, they became super cool to me. They allowed me to play tether ball with them at recess. They didn't know about the letter, or they were too nice to participate, or they just didn't care if I was cool. I never got the chance to ask. But they were nice to me. Even if I was uncool, a liar and fat.

It took many years for me to realize that I was lying to myself and to others in order to gain approval. I was trying to make up for being fat with some other cool 'fact' about myself. The problem was, that those made up things didn't really matter. I needed to focus on the cool stuff that was already inside of me and get that straightened out. Unfortunately, it is about 27 years later and I still am struggling with wanting to be the cool kid. I have figured out that being the cool kid just really means being accepted. And when you are fat in American society, you are far from accepted...

Not about being fat, but funny nonetheless.

2011-09-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

I work with children. I love kids! I have been working with kids since I was in camp fire and I knew from an early age that I would spend time with them. I have been in private practice for only about a year, and I spent the last 20 years in publicly funded mental health. Publicly funded mental health came about due to issues with institutionalization of individuals who didn't really need to be 'locked up' and in 1963 the government mandated that community mental health centers would be created to help people in an outpatient setting. So, I have seen my fair share of interesting in my life.

Luckily, when working with kids, there is more fun than 'interesting.' I mean, there are always cases that are sad, and difficult, but for the most part I have had one hell of a time. And, I have seen a great deal of kiddos grow up to be successful and happy adults. It's very rewarding...

Where am I going with this...

About 5 years ago, I was working with a brother and sister who were having problems transitioning between their divorced parents' homes. After going away to visit one parent for the weekend, there would be difficulty transitioning back into the routine of the other parent's home and getting back into school activities, etc. It's actually pretty normal for routine changes to be difficult, but parent's are usually to blame. But, I am not here to bitch and complain about that. I am here today to tell you about a very funny thing that was said during a play therapy session.

It was me, a 3 year old girl, her 5 year old brother and my colleague (a psychiatric nurse practitioner who was shadowing me to get some experience working with kids). We were on the floor with different types of dolls and I was asking them to play out the experience of how they were feeling. The boy usually would take one doll or dinosaur or whatever, and hit another doll and say he was 'mad.' Pretty normal stuff actually. His little sister wouldn't really say much, but she would just play with a dolly that she could change clothes and comb hair, etc. At this age, they didn't really play together, despite encouragement, so I just let them play. Out of nowhere, the little girl grabbed a pteradactyl (I know this isn't spelled right) and swept down and grabbed her little baby doll. She used the dinosaur to smash the baby doll over and over again. I was telling her, "Use your words now and tell me how you feel." (I know, so contrite and psychobabbly). She looked me straight in the eye, and said "MMMMMM, tastes like chicken."

I have never laughed so hard in my life!

Speaking of babies

2011-09-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

I was super morbidly obese while pregnant with my youngest boy. I did things right, minus cutting out caffeine. I worked hard at being a good patient, but I just couldn't tackle my weight, even for the baby growing inside of me. I didn't gain more than 10 lbs, and most of it fluid due to complications (toxemia). They warn you you are obese that there can be complications with the baby and even birth defects, but they aren't specific. I had over a dozen ultrasounds and no one could see that my son was missing part of his brain since the neurons didn't migrate and start to form vital areas of the brain like they should. It turns out that the ultrasounds weren't good because of my weight, but no one told me that. I was told that it was not me, since I wasn't diabetic, and that it wasn't me because I didn't use substances that could provide prenatal insult. HOWEVER...I knew that my weight and lack of health was the REAL reason my beautiful boy was disabled. I lived in a rural area that was conservative in medicine, but I had the privilege of also being a professional in the same small community so I get some latitude. I got the tests I wanted and I found out that my son was going to die. Before age 2, and there was probably nothing anyone could do to make that better. I blamed myself. I am sure that my husband blamed me, but he won't tell me the truth. I did what I know what to do--research. One doctor gave me no hope, so I got journal articles on the research being done with this disorder. For a meager $200 bucks the world's leading neuroradiologist who studied my son's illness was willing to read the xray and make recommendations. Best thing I ever did, because that neuroradiologist called up our neurosurgeon and said 'Do the shunt surgery to take the pressure off...make the kids time the best it can be.' I am forever grateful for that man and his willingness to help based just on a desperate email from an American Indian mom in rural Eastern Washington. The shunt surgery happened, and then it malfunctioned. I think the surgeon was tired and angry that I went over his head...this surgery was the last of the day and I think it just was error contributed to this. But, then I overheard him telling his medical assistant - she did this to her own kid by being so obese and now she wants me to crack him open and make him suffer to appease her guilt - WOW! That hit me like a ton of bricks. We got a team of people who didn't really know what could happen with someone with this disease because many people don't live long with this. The team predicted he wouldn't walk, talk, see, hear, or live past age 2. Wasn't given much hope. Here's where I know that my weight issue finally spiraled to rock bottom. I was already 411 lbs and I had lost 40 lbs after the delivery of my child. But then, I started to eat. Started to eat to cope, to eat to feel something other than sorry and guilt. Before two long, I was 623 lbs. So, even though I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to live my life with both of my children, in miraculously and lovely ways, I couldn't! I was too fat. I didn't have the energy. During the 6 month period of therapy and self-reflection to get to the point where my insurance company would give me my WL surgery, I realized something VITAL to my life. When I heard that my little boy wasn't going to live, probably because of me (whether it was genetic or my weight and complications), I decided that I was gonna die with him. I was gonna eat myself to do death. By age 6, he had outlived what was predicted. He wasn't qualifying for special services for school anymore and his cognitive abilities were developing. I had an epiphany. If he's not dying, I am not going to die either. Some people would look to alcohol, drugs, work, sex, anything to make their life seem normal for a minute. I looked to food to give me normalcy but also to make it possible for me to die right along with that little boy. I didn't know that until it was almost too late. That's not fair to him, to my other child, and to my husband. It's not fair to me! I NEED TO LIVE! I need to be healthy and deserve it. I can't go back and do things with my weight that might have helped him not develop his illness, but I don't have to keep doing the things that started the problem to begin with. It's time to live like we are dying...we sort of are...slowly hopefully...but every second of every day counts and shouldn't be filled with regret, sadness, and guilt. My son hasn't given up...so I am not going to either! What sparked my decision to really go after weight surgery was when I went to the ER for pain in my lower left and upper left quadrant. It was my appendix and gall bladder. But surgeon on call didn't even touch me. He just said i needed weight loss surgery and that I should mortgage my house to see it was done. He didn't operate. I was just obese and complaining because I hurt as a result of being too fat. I took him off the golf course and he didn't like that. The pain persisted and someone finally didn't see me as the fat ass I was - they saw me as a human. He told me I was worth taking care of myself and delicately proposed options. He got me thinking, and I started therapy, and then case management for the surgery, then the surgery. 400+ lbs lost and I still have to force myself to live when I see that my children struggle. I have depression, which is common for weight issues. I'm a work in progress. BUT I AM GOING TO LIVE.

Ignorance isn't bliss, it's hurtful...

2011-09-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

This is the type of stuff that fat people endure on a daily (multiple times per day) basis.

Holy S*@#, I can fit...

2011-09-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have had some seriously interesting experiences over the last few days, and I felt compelled to share them with all of you! For those of you who have never been heavy, overweight, or obese it is probably news to you that there are things that you can't do, even if you want to. For instance, you can't fit into any old car seat or seat belt, even if you do want to drive the firebird with t-tops. It's pretty discouraging to realize that you have eaten yourself into a cage. I mean, I know that it shouldn't be a surprise to me that, after eating myself to 623 lbs, I couldn't fit into things - but it's still pretty disappointing when the realization hits that you are too FAT to ride an amusement park ride. Or sit in a swing. Or slide down the slide. Or fit in the bath tub. Sadly, I had done just that - eaten myself into a cage. One that wasn't easy to get out of. I couldn't move or exercise because it was painful to do and because I was so heavy that I would hurt myself each time I tried. I wasn't able to quit eating for any extended period of time to help my situation. So, I was helpless. Hopeless. Disgusted. Then, I had weight loss surgery. I lost a lot of weight. I am out of my cage. I slid down the slide! I fit into just about any car. I can WALK! I have been liberated. But, the discrimination doesn't stop. There are people who once thought of me as disgusting because I was so fat, that are now telling me that I took the 'easy way out.' There are people who have had weight loss surgery that are telling me that I am 'not using my tool' if I choose to eat certain foods. There are professional people who, despite their recommendations to have weight loss surgery, who have told me that it is my 'own fault because you chose surgery' when I come in for post-surgery complications or questions. Hmmmpf....is there ever going to be a time in my life when I am okay just being me?

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2011-08-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

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