This is me...

How do I love thee let me count the ways

2009-11-30T23:34:00.002+08:00

I spoke to my husband about how I felt when a friend gave me these very endearing glances, it was daunting as I expected a huge jealous drama would ensue but he acknowledged my wanting some affections. And I told him that I wanted that from him and not from anyone else. He promised to be more expressive with his affections. I told him I want flowers, I want a slow walk hand-in hand where-ever, by the beach preferably. I want to watch the sun set with him. I want him to be around when I have performances.. He can't promise to grant most of these requests but he promised to do his best.

We are planning to conceive our second child, but I think it would be too late now if my Cabaret performance were to fall on November 2010. I need to be fit at least 4 months before November. So I think the best time to conceive is next year November! In the meantime let me enjoy being thin and slim for one more year. Sally Bowles will rock Malaysia next year. Yea!

I am also starring in KLpac's new musical Adam. We will be performing on stage in May 2010. This play is about AIDS or what laymen do not understand about the disease. We spoke about it the last time we had the casts meeting. Most of us agree there are alot that we do not know, especially how it is transfered. This will be an interesting journey.

In the meantime I'm working on Kelam...Bu, a play about an incestous father who raped most of his daughters. I'm playing Ogy one of the raped daughter who turns to prostitution. This is my first Malay theater. It will be staged on 17th and 18th December in ASWARA.

What do you call that look?

2009-11-05T02:25:00.002+08:00

The look you gave me. Sheepish, inquisitive, attentive, interested... what do you call it? Will you be looking at me the same way again, when I see you in a different setting? Under a different light? Will I miss that look for noone has looked at me that way for the longest of time. I can't remember who the last person too. How do I describe that look... a slight tilt of your head, eyes straight into mine looking for answers. You lowered your gaze a few time, and when I looked away there it was again. It is not so much to know why you gave me the look it is just that how I miss feeling so blessed knowing someone really looked inside.

One small armchair

2009-11-04T01:56:00.000+08:00

This afternoon we sat on the same chair. All chairs were taken you offered yours but I declined. I needed to nap coz did't have enough sleep the night before, you made me sit beside you on the same chair. A small armchair made for one shared by two. I had my nap you had your rest too. As I was dozing off I felt you breathing beside me. Short inhales n exhales, warm gentle pressure on my side. I could hear your heart...

Being a Mummy and a Cartoon Dubber

2009-10-28T13:11:00.001+08:00

I took my son to work last night. I had to do my usual dubbing session at MSPost for TAMA and Friends and no babysitter came to mind so brought him along. He was pleasantly well-behaved thank goodness! The director Miss Alin was exceptionally sweet to Esfahan so he behaved pretty well. They charmed each other so that was very sweet. I managed to work peacefully despite his occasional call for mummy. Just had to let him know I was close by and he was off playing again.

Daddy manage to get him from MSpost around 8pm. I finished TAMA then started with NINJA BOYS at 10pm. I finished recording at 3.30 am. Got home both of my heroes were sleeping. Daddy managed to give me updates on what our son did with him. Sweetness…

Syawal 2009

2009-10-02T23:20:00.005+08:00

Beautiful... 1st Syawal in Ampang with my Abang Yus n family, 2nd n 3rd Syawal in Kuantan with MIL. 4th Syawal back in the Aman-hood.

Up-coming shows... Charity musical at Klpac January 2010, Another show with lotsa Dancing June 2010. Cabaret November 2010.

Got a call from Pesona Pictures to appear in Hari Raya Aidil Adha show. Gonna sing Tika the song that appeared in their movie Waris Jari Hantu. Eventhough it will the usual mindless performance that is expected when you do a tv musical appearance, I will get to work with my husband. He's directing the show. So that will be fun!

Kaki BLue BLues

2009-08-15T01:34:00.002+08:00

Time for a little peace... I was a huge wreck lastnight coz the Deputy Minister of Defence came to watch Kaki Blue. I was so nervous like it was a break it ot make it performance for me. Today Joe Hasham gave us encouragement by saying lastnight's performance was good. Yea right! Well maybe he was in a good mood. O BTW we might have a H1N1 scare as what is said in the grapevine someone should have been quarantined. Every1 is sick now. Coughing away after every song.. It kinda get a bit embarassing actually. I sense the discomfort from the audience when Leah cough right after the 1st verse in NS song. Dat poor girl.

I saw Kak Sayang gave us a standing ovation just now. She waved at me but I was told dat I cannot wave to the audience. I held back and I felt terrible. I sooo wanted to raised my arm to her but I recalled Joe saying "I'll kill you if you wave at the audience during curtain call" I gave her a respectful bow instead... AAARGH she probably thought I was rude. But it was so sweet of her to come and watch Kaki Blue.

Another 2 stressful days and then I'm back to being me again. I truly need a break. Some of the casts n hand are getting on my nerves... The newborn primadonnas who are just so concerned about whether or not they are famous, the baby who constantly needing reassuring hugs just before the show, and the not so helpful hand backstage who suppose to manage the wardrobes but only manage to chat on the phone for hours during the show (ignoring the hectic change that the casts are supposed to make during the cikgu to NS trainer change) OH yea she ate in the changing room again, nasi and chicken curry. She spilled the curry on the floor and the casts had to clean after her so to avoid our costume from being soiled.

The only time she was helpful was during the beginning of act 2 the transition of sekolah scene and the NS training ground. She picked up the canvas that was being thrown to the floor. O how thoughtful of her...

I'm trying to analyse why I feel disturbed by these individuals..

1. I think primadonnas r overated! You work like a dog and get paid peanuts, you want to act like a Diva? For what? If you direct the show n star in the show becoz your daddy paid for everything that is in the show like that other show I was in then I can understand. But to star in a low-budget show that gives a disclaimer during the audition that the pay will be based on profit sharing, I think it's best not to try to even think that you even have a limelight.

2. I didn't feel like hugging you because I have a flu and everyone else has a flu I don't feel very huggy... So leave me alone!

3. You hate your job doing the wardrobe... You have done the best you can but it is just not good ebough for most of us who wanted more assistance.

Can't wait for the show to end... But I'll miss everyone.. Hanging for dear life

My silent venting

2009-07-21T03:08:00.006+08:00

I rasa kalau takat nak berlakon teater untuk dapat glamer, nama kuar majalah atau akhbar, baik tak payah berlakon beb. Kerja pelakon bukan untuk dapat nama... Kalau dah bagus orang akan suka dengan sendiri tak payah nak menonjolkan diri sampai menjatuhkan orang lain. Dunia ni pun sementara, benda yang kecil pun nak dimegahkan? Orang dok cakap pasal bakat. Bakat semulajadi? Tak pernah I nampak pulak! Tapi selalunya orang yang kata dirinya ada bakat sentiasa Bangga diri. Over acting. Tak Ikhlas. Menipu penonton. Buruk sangka pada orang lain yang bersungguh-sungguh bekerja. Hasad. Lupa diri. Orang berseni ker tu? Artis ker tu? O.. penggunaan terma artis di sini bukan bermaksud selebriti. Artis amat berbeza dengan selebriti. Orang berkarya berbeza dengan orang ternama. Faham maksudnya? Jadi tak semua artis itu selebriti. Tapi kebanyakan selebriti adalah artis (dan yang perasan artis).

Kalau awak kena tegur atas pentas oleh teman pelakon, dia bukan nak jadi tuan direktor. Dia nak memperbaiki persembahan. Takat tegur pasal spacing semasa di pentas bukan cuba mendirect namanya. Terima je lar komen memandai dia tapi tak payahlah nak pergi komplen kat seluruh dunia ada orang nak jadi tuan direktor jugak... Nak buat tuan direktor marah untuk apa? Kalau awak tak boleh ditegur oleh teman sekerja, cakap terus. Thank you for your comment but I will listen to the director. Kan senang.

Tak suka orang lain diberi pujian? Aiyoooo (Bak kata Major Sabar)...
Pujian dari lidah manusia, tak ada makna la beb. Kalau kerja untuk dapat pujian, maka tak ada keikhlasan lar kerja awak. Orang tu memang bersungguh-sungguh, awak kata dia cuba nak curi lampu hijau awak? Ya Allah... Suluh lah muka awak sendiri kalau tak cukup lampu spotlight nanti. I bawak torchlight spare.

Awak fikir lawak awak tu tak mengaibkan orang? berpura-pura memecah belon di dada orang perempuan untuk mendapat gelak, lawak ker tu? Sengaja memalukan orang, lawak ker? Semasa lawak awak dipertontonkan, ada orang gelak tak? Awak perasan tak muka wanita yang awak perlekehkan tu? Lelaki sejati menghormati kehormatan rakan wanitanya.

Maka tamat lah segala geram di jiwa... I now release this anger. Thank you!

I accept

2009-06-20T15:09:00.001+08:00

I have a serious confession to make. I have mixed emotions about Kaki Blue. Firstly, I love the script so much! I cried the first time we read it then I read it a few times more at home and had sleepless nites just bawling my eyes out. My husband woke up one night and asked me why was I crying, I just said the story touched me.
There are alot of things that are not being said in the script but somehow must be delivered during performance. Hence, I am terrified if we the actors cannot express these unspoken messages, the play will be a meaningless comedy. Honestly I am scared people might not be able to see how serious the message we want to convey.
Secondly, I could relate with the characters in the play. Ah Shan, Lin and Nee are ME!! I hated school, I hated to be herded like cows, I hated my parents because they fought all the time, I hated my father for hurting me. I am touched by their stories because they are all about me. A lot of the lines they speak, I have spoken when I was a teenager. That was of course millions of years ago! You can imagine how surprised I was thinking Mark could have read my thoughts, or that he had went back in time and found out who Tria really was.
It is very difficult for me to write all this but I feel that I must because we must be responsible as actors to play our parts well so that it will be a play that will make a difference to the young people out there who do not have the voice to say what is hurting them.
I had a long chat with Tati and Elaine about the play and how it affects us. I have told them things I haven't told people in a very long time. And how important it was to keep it a secret because I couldn't talk about it openly here in Malaysia. It might hurt my mother, my mother wouldn't believe me or people might laugh at me. We covered alot of topics the other night from child abuse to human trafficking to blind beggars. I feel blessed to have met everyone in Kaki Blue. I went home feeling loved and accepted. Thank you ladies!

Kaki Blue

2009-06-16T12:59:00.001+08:00

Haaaa.... I'm Baaaaaccck!!! I love the stage. Yes I have been a bit quiet not because I have nothing to say but it's because I have nothing nice to say... 8-P

Ok I did DanSing Thru Broadway (Lagi Sekali Lah) in February. Got to reunite with the old gang with a few additional casts Zeqthy Natrah, Shahila Johan, Keith Yew and Reefa. We had fun except for the last few days of performance I started to feel irritated with the director whose parents organised the show. Everything that comes out of her mouth just produced a tinge of uneasiness to my stomach. And I'm very sure it was not the food her mother lovingly cooked for us. God bless Kak Sayang!

Ok negativity aside... I might be working with them again for the next DanSing with Sabrina Show.

Jeng jeng jeng... NExt in line is Kaki Blue!!! A musical about the National Service. I will be playing the assistant commandant of the NS camp. At the moment we are being trained like soldiers with the movements and all. I would come home extremely tired but I love every single minute learning the movement n the songs with these zealous casts. I love their energy, I love their innocence, I love it that most of them are newbies at theater and they are being treated like professionals (i.e we get to be screamed at by Joe Hasham Lah! Duhh!) I'm just glad I get to meet these beautiful young actors who are not really sure what they are doing but they are doing it because they love to be on stage. And of course I get to be the funny woman who is the bun of everybody's jokes... But it is all in good fun. Laughter gives me happiness even if they are laughing at me.

The best part about being in the show - I get to work with Joe Hasham. Never worked with him before, never heard of his cursing mouth until now, never seen him turn red until now. He's a lovely man and Dato' Faridah is such a beautiful motherly figure beside him. Gosh! I have never seen them in this light before so it is a very delighful experience for me. Before this I have always thought they were snobbish. Glad my perceptions of them were wrong.

The script is written by Mark Beau De Silva. The first time I read it, I cried really bad. Then I read it again, I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't sleep everytime I read it. Emotionally it is taxing for me but amazingly, I get this powerful energy everytime I see the young casts members during rehearsals.

I know Kaki Blue will be an amazing show. Come and watch this show!

What The Hell Was He Thinking!

2008-11-14T14:17:00.000+08:00

I wonder what has come over our society these days. Being a muslim community we condone polygamy as we feel we have no right to questions the laws of the religion (we as women). We cannot tell our men to be faithful as it is their birth given right to be unfaithful (if they wish to stray) if they wish to fall in love again with another woman and marry her. We would close one eye if that person is our brother, our uncle, our friend until one day that person is our husbands, we have given up our voices so if one day that happens to us the others will close their eyes on us too. I read something appalling recently in the newspaper. A woman’s husband was caught in the state of Khalwat with another woman and the latter’s father made a press statement that he willingly accept this man (who is still married) as his son-in-law. All this said without considering the man’s wife and children’s feelings. Well hey, this is the time of survival of the fittest, or should I say survival of the prettiest, or youngest, or sexiest or what-ever-est. We love any man who has sexual urges and we don’t give a damn about whether or not he has a family of his own. What do we care? Only our own blood! As long as my daughter is happy, why must I care about his wife and children? His wife and kids are his concern and not mine, he said. I only want my daughter to be happy, (so she must get whatever she wants?) How convenient for a loving father to say such things unless of course the table turns. I’m sure he has a lot to say if his daughter is the wife whose husband is caught berkhalwat. But in retrospection, how did we get to this point? How do we as a society become so insensitive to women and children?

The children have lost their daddy because he wants to get into another woman’s pants, and he could say I have no comment about them? What kind of a person is this guy? I wish that one day he will be brought to look into their eyes and say those words again. I wish that he will see them knowing they are no longer important in their daddy’s life. I wish that he will witness all the pain he has somehow allowed to happen. I wish one day he will see. That is when I hope that he would be speechless enough to even mouth the words I HAVE NO COMMENT!

I dedicate this entry to Abdul Aziz Muhammad! And to those around him who closed their eyes on our mother.

Kurang Manis

2008-10-25T21:33:00.002+08:00

VENUE: The Actor Studio Bangsar SHopping Centre
COMMENCE: 30th Oct 8.30pm
ENDS: 2nd Nov

For the 1st time in my life I get to work with The Instant Cafe Theater (ICT)YEEEYYYY!!! The casts are crazy and fun. We work like mad every day fucking our brains with new materials. The show will be staged in less than a week and I m still wrecking my brains memorizing songs and dialogues. I love every damn minute.

I get to work with people who just love to work. Hehehe.... They have been performing for ages and man I feel so humbled especially by the talented young ones like Haziril Adzim, Ayam and Amerul. I also get to work with Azrul from Cham (Raja Lawak), an old acquantance from Audition. Everyone is a sweetheart. I found a friend in Maya Tan Abdullah, a beautiful mother of two.

I am so happy to be working again with Jo Kukathas who directed M!The Opera, my first musical. She is such a loving person, I just adore her.

The show will have a few skits and about 12 songs in between. I will be singing a few numbers with the others. I'm not sure if I will sing a solo song coz I still can't memorize the Immigration song. My favourite song will be Dial-A-Bomoh mocking people who see bomohs for every problem they have. My least fave is Mahathir coz we will hantam the ex-PM... Aiyah feel so bad, even though I kinda marah at him for the shitty leaders he trained now sitting in the cabinet.

The best thing in this show is that there are no Divas in the casts. Ermmm... I kinda expect to see at least one as they are all very experienced people, but thankfully I was wrong to assume I'd meet one. They have all been so kind to me, I am just glad to be a part of such amazing talents. Let's face it I'm a newbie at theatrical shows. Budak bodo... u know.

I now have a soft spot for Ayam and I thought he was not a nice person. He was such a rowdy fellow during DanSing Thru Broadway and when I met him again I found out he is so sweet. We somehow cannot point out how we couldn't be friends during DanSing. He said I was sombong, I said HE didn't give me a chance. Well there was some misunderstanding of each others' energy and behaviour. But now I heart AYAM... Hehehe

The best part in working in this show is that we rehearse in Taman Tun juz beside Pesona Pictures where my husband works. I get to drop by to give him a kiss whenever I want. I heart I heart!!

Mamma Mia!

2008-10-11T19:35:00.003+08:00

I finally got to watch the movie Mamma Mia starring Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth. Had the best time singing along to the Abba songs and tapping my foot to the rhythm. Really had a blast just immersing myself in such joy and love being poured out by the performers. My girlfriend who watched the show with me said how she wanted to party like that. I think that we must party like that without always being in fear of what other people might say. That's the real problem with the Malay folks - we just can't get enough of judging ourselves. What's worse is that we wear a religious hat while we're at it. I guess anything fun and liberating such as singing, dancing or just expressing oneself in total freedom will be considered unislamic... Remember Faizal Tahir and his chest bearing incident? Well the people who banned him must have forgotten that a male's physical aurat is only between his navel and knee. So chest in not included in the aurat.

I watched my son who now loves to "jalan-jalan" ran around the busy shopping mall one night just laughing his head off just for the fun of it. He was having so much fun making fun of himself and teasing me and his daddy at the same time. It gave me pleasure just watching him being happy. A real simple activity to just be. I just wish we have more of that sort of moments as both my husband and I are pretty busy people.

Speaking of being busy, I recently have been casted in a show called Kurang Manis for the Instant Cafe Theater. We will be making jokes about the current social and political situations. While we are workshoping, I realise how glad I am to be me. I have been so thankful of everything sometimes I couldn't be bothered with the news or that Pak Lah is finally stepping down. I know that I have to be concerned but I try not to put too much of my energy in contemplating about the future of the country. I have my fears of course. I fear if my son and his future sibling(s) will not have proper education. I fear if I won't be free in my own country. THere I have said it... Now it is in print and it is out to the universe. These are negative energies that are self-defeating. They just feed on your optimism. I don't want to pay too much attention on fears. I know I must be viable enough for my children to get education in the future. I'm glad Pak Lah knows where he stands and decides to step down. But I'm not happy that the leading party is divided. I am not happy that a leech like Anwar Ibrahim is sucking on naive minds to gain power. I do know he will lead temporarily and the people will realise his true colour. But will it be too late? As we get to that point, will the current leaders create more problems? I know a lot of people miss Dr.M for his wisdom and intelligence, but he created the whole drama in the first place. I have no love for any politicians but I want to be free here in this land. If someday I find myself and my family in a state where we can't run around and laugh our heads off just for the fun of laughing, that will be the day that we will decide that this is no longer our home.

We will migrate to Greece and live like the characters in MammaMia! Bye bye Malaysia.

DanSing Thru Broadway

2008-07-08T16:53:00.000+08:00

I just can't get enough of the rush before going on stage. I know i was a dead cow during rehearsals and how the director and the choreographer (namely Sabrina Hassan and Farah Sulaiman, the people I adore very much) have doubts about how I would perform but I think I managed to make them smile in the end :)

I sang the opening Sunday Clothes from Hello Dolly! and my second song is my solo My Strongest Suit from Aida. The second song was a bit tricky cause I had to change into a dress mid song. Later I made a few 'cameo' appearances for Dorren Tang's solo I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady, Peter Ong and Nicole-Ann Thomas' duet Mooning from Grease, later I Hope I get It and the finale One.

It was a loving production, so we miss each other very much now that the production has ended. I'm having a post-production blues and I am facebooking and messaging the casts almost everyday. *sigh*

More updates coming up...