Managing Life Transitions

Out-Sneaking Sneaky Poo

2012-01-25T16:02:00.000-08:00

One of the most exasperating problems parents of young children face is having a potty-trained child who continues to soil herself. It's stinky. It's messy. It's embarassing for the child and parents, alike. It creates a lot of extra laundry and clean-up. And in some circumstances, it can alter a family's social life.

So, what's a parent to do? Here's a few thoughts to help keep your cool when "sneaky poo" tries to get your skivvies in a bunch:

Remember: soiling problems are common. You and your child are not alone. The stigma surrounding soiling problems, however, can make it feel very lonely.

Your child is not the problem. Sneaky poo is the problem. You and your child must present a unified front to conquer sneaky poo.

Children have marvellously rich imaginary powers. How can your child imagine herself out-sneaking sneaky poo? If he were his favorite superhero, how would the superhero defeat sneaky poo? If her favorite author wrote a story about a child who out-sneaked sneaky poo, how do you think the story would go?

Small successes are successes. Celebrating and documenting successful moments will help add "stickiness" to those memories, which are easily overlooked if sneaky poo has a sneak attack.

Michael White, an incredibly gifted therapist who left us too soon, literally wrote the book on overcoming sneaky poo. He generously made his work on sneaky poo available to families. It's an incredibly valuable resource that has helped countless families tackle the sneaky poo problem.

Here's wishing you and yours lots of clean, dry pants.

Resolve to Reach Resolution

2012-01-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

So, you've made yet another new year's resolution: to lose weight, to exercise more, to quit smoking, to spend less. This time, you promise yourself, your sticking to it. Really.

So where there's a will, there's a way, right? Well, that's true, sort of, according to a recent article in the New York Times by John Tierney. Turns out, we all have willpower, it just happens to be finite. When there's willpower left in the tank, there's a way.

So, how does one keep from spending one's limited supply of willpower? Avoid temptation. Easy, right?

Let's say your resolution is to quit smoking. All you have to do is avoid situations where cigarettes lurk. In Seattle, the smoking ban in bars and restaurants is tremendously helpful. But there's still the "smoker's corners" outside office buildings. The ads for cigarettes at every gas station, convenience store, and grocery. That's a lot of opportunity for temptation to set in. Choose your daily route carefully.

So, what replenishes willpower? Positive reinforcement. What should you do with the money you saved by not buying a pack of cigarettes today? Reward yourself with another pleasurable purchase: a fun app for your phone, a favorite magazine, a warm drink, anything that says "reward!" to the pleasure center of your brain. Longer-term rewards are good, too. Curtailing a $6/day habit after a year could net you as much as $2000. Cruise much, lately?

Accountability is another major factor in sticking to the resolution. Share successes with a close confidante. Share failures, too. Do a post-mortem on what's going well, and where you'd like to improve. Saying it out loud to someone, writing it in a journal, keeping a blog, tweeting, putting post-it notes around your home or office (or both!), all of these activities will increase the "stickiness" of the changes you're making and will help hold you accountable to your plan.

There's enough willpower in your account to make the changes you'd like to see in your life. Spend that willpower wisely, and when in doubt, phone a friend!

Finding Gratitude in Unlikely Places

2011-11-14T15:33:00.001-08:00

I am grateful for hair-pulling, biting, pushing, shoving, screaming and crying. Ok, not so much those behaviors, per se, but what they represent.

I was talking with a mother of two young children this morning who says she struggles with helping her children play together successfully. Her 6 year-old likes to make elaborate lego projects that her 2 year-old brother likes to take down Godzilla-style. She has tried convincing her daughter to build these projects in her room. She has tried redirecting her son toward different toys. Neither of these strategies has worked.

They want to be together, which is nice, I told her. It's what I tell myself when my own daughters have the same fight...over and over again. They could play in separate rooms or with separate toys, goodness knows we have more than enough to go around. But the separation wouldn't meet their needs for togetherness, which is a strong need, indeed. And sometimes they play together successfully. I just tend not to notice, since no one is screaming, "Mom, help!" at those moments. So I try to remind myself of the lovely part of their siblinghood when I extract one from the other, teeth bared and tears flowing.

I've learned a lot from clients who've consulted with me over the years about finding gratitude in unlikely places. They've found it in seeing they have choices, even when those choices aren't the greatest. In finding calm in an otherwise anxiety-provoking time while washing dishes or pulling weeds. In having a major life crisis hold a mirror up to their life and finding they don't like what they see and using their resources to change it.

There is much to be grateful for, even in trying times. Sometimes we have to look beyond the initial ugliness to find the beauty at its core.

Emotions, Learning, and The Child's Brain

2011-10-07T13:43:00.001-07:00

I was, for a brief time, an elementary special education teacher. While my students' test scores indicated that they were not "performing at grade level", they're participation in my class suggested otherwise. Indeed, they were all capable of doing the work. They were a very intelligent, thoughtful, and engaging group. Their home lives, however, were highly unpredictable and anxiety-provoking. How well would you do on a test if your parent was in prison, drug-addicted, or severely depressed?

I'll you: Not well, my friends. Not well.

So, that's why I'm pleased to see the topic of Seattle's Maria Montessori Language and Cultural Center's Workshop: On Emotions, Learning and The Child's Brain being offered on Saturday, 10/15 from 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. A highly worthy topic for our times. Hope some of you can make it.

No More Shame: Postpartum Support International of Washington's Executive Director, Heidi Koss, Speaks on Ending PPMD Stigma on NPR

2011-08-02T15:05:00.001-07:00

My esteemed colleague and friend Heidi Koss, Executive Director of Postpartum Support International of Washington is featured in an interview with NPR's Joanne Silberner. Heidi Koss shares her personal struggle with Postpartum Depression, and her personal quest to end the stigma that prevents women from seeking treament for a highly treatable illness. Please share with every new and expecting parent you know.

Postpartum Support International Conference Comes to Seattle in 2011

2011-07-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Save the Date!
Postpartum Support International
25th Anniversary Conference
When: Sept 14-17, 2011
Where: Seattle, Washington
In the heart of downtown, at
www.seattleredlionfifthavenue.com
Stay Tuned for more details!
www.postpartum.net & www.ppmdsupport.com

The "We Decade" Dilemma

2011-06-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

Fresh from her appearance on The Colbert Report, Stephanie Coontz proffered her well-researched opinion to the audience of anxious parents and parents-to-be at the Parent Map-sponsored Baby Map Event. Ms. Coontz said that she has found in her research that while parents are spending more time with their children, they do so at the expense of time spent with other adults or as a couple. This observation rang true to my ears, as I've grown accustomed to hearing from clients with children: "Are we normal? Does this experience happen to other people? I honestly have nothing to compare ourselves against!" The hard truth is, yes, these families are quite normal. And yes, the parents in these households are so cut off from other adults in similar situations that they can't possibly realize how common their situation is.

So, what to do? First, today's parents, congratulate yourselves on spending more time with your children than previous generations. Second, remind yourself that to be the best parent you can be, you need to be a fulfilled adult and partner. When reviewing your calendar, take note of how many fun and enriching events you have posted for your children when compared with those for you and for your relationship as a couple. Do the numbers skewed in the kid's favor? Then get some "me time" and "us time" on there, pronto!

Amy Tan Gets Creative on Ambiguity

2011-04-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

I found this TED talk by Amy Tan to be funny and reflective--if at times unfocused. Though she doesn't make the connection out right, implicit in her lecture is the notion that our ability to tolerate ambiguity corelates with our capacity to feel compassion for others. If we are able to defer judgment about about events, beliefs, and cultural norms that shape our own lives and the lives of others, we're more likely to come away with a richer understanding of what is found there.

Teaching Empathy in Extra-Large Doses

2011-03-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

Today, my 2 y.o. bit another child. I know "why" she did it: She has speech and hearing challenges. Another child was playing with a toy she wanted. She can't say: "I want that, too. Can I have a turn please?" But, you better believe the kid she bit dropped the toy like a hot potato. So, biting is effective for getting the toy--less so when one wants to make friends, which she really, really wants. So that's the "why" of it. But harder still is coming up with the "how" in helping her have empathy for other children when she is feeling flustered.

I've been doing a post-mortem of my responses to her biting of other children, and I was relieved to read this article by Dr. Meryl Lipton and find that I've done most of her recommended steps in helping her learn empathy. I haven't yet experimented with the drawing exercises, but I'm itching to try them out, despite having drawing skills not much better than my toddler daughter's. Perhaps she'll develop a little empathy for her artistically-challenged mother, too.

Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting

2011-02-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend this TED talk from the founders of babble.com who (with hilarious charts and graphs) deconstruct much of the "conventional wisdom" of new parenthood, miscarriage, and hanging in there as a couple. Funny, touching, and important. Please share with new or expecting parents.

The Importance of the Postpartum Partner (for Gwyneth Paltrow and Non-Celebs Alike)

2011-01-06T15:21:00.000-08:00

While reading this interview with Gwyneth Paltrow in People I realized that there's an all-too-common misconception about Postpartum Mood Disorders: that a person must be crying all the time in order to be diagnosed. Not so! The symptoms are often subtler, yet no less serious. That sense of being "cut off" from one's emotions is a common symptom of PPMDs. And it's often one's partner who notices these sometimes subtle, internal shifts. Sometimes it takes an attuned partner (such as Chris Martin) to know when something sounds a little off in ourselves.

Solstice Self-Care

2010-12-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

With the holidays approaching, the worsening financial crisis, the short winter days,and wars both current and percolating, it's easy for anxiety-or even just a case of the blahs--to set in. Here's some ideas for coping during the shortest and darkest days of the year:

1. Be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. No one need "fake it til ya make it" if it feels disingenuous. It's okay to not feel great. It's okay to tell others you don't feel great. It isn't a character flaw. It's being human.

2. Ask yourself: how much room do you want to give anxiety or the "blahs"? Can you ask anxiety or the blahs to leave you alone during a holiday party or a family get-together? Can you excuse yourself for part of the time to just feel the anxiety or the blahs, and then return to the action having allowed anxiety it's due? Can you make a pact with a friend or family member to check in with you to see how you're doing, and perhaps, you can do the same in turn?

3. Make a plan to care for yourself with balanced meals and time to exercise. And think: simple. Gentle stretching or a brisk walk around the neighborhood followed by soup and salad can feel so refreshing on a long winter's evening.

Grateful for New Babies and People Who Help When Life Feels Harder than Necessary

2010-11-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

So, I find myself at the confluence of some exciting events. Perhaps this experience rings true for you, too. First off, I've been witnessing a number of friends adding brand new babies to their lives. It's thrilling to see all the anticipation and support come to meet these new little people and the people who will care for them in the days, and weeks, and years to come. Welcome, welcome!

And second, now the holiday season is here where we Seattlites have already braved our first snow storm that snarled traffic for hours and brought commuter's to their wits' ends and even resulted in a few reports of fisticuffs.

Often, we don't realize that we've run out of coping muscle until we're face-to-face with our own unrecognizable selves. We do something or say something or think something that makes us wonder, "How did I get like this? This isn't me!"

Thankfully, help is available. Katherine Stone published on her Postpartum Progress blog a great list of resources for postpartum parents who need mental health care but may not be insured or may be underinsured.

Here in Seattle, the Seattle Crisis Directory publishes a great list of free or low-cost therapeutic groups and counselors who offer sliding-fee scale services.

Please take good care of yourselves, everyone, during this holiday season, no matter whether it's your first or your 100th!

Apologizing as Inoculation Against Bullying Behavior

2010-10-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Committee for Children's mission is to end bullying and child abuse by giving kids and families the tools to communicate non-violently. I had never thought about the role of apologizing in combatting bullying, but this blog post really made sense to me. When we apologize without making excuses or getting defensive, we are demonstrating how to take responsibility for the consequences of our actions. Because feelings do matter.

The Self-Care Challenge

2010-10-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Making time for self-care is difficult even under the best of circumstances, but throw a baby (or two or three) into the mix, and self-care is often the first thing to be thrown out with the proverbial bath water. With that in mind, Ann Dunnewold and Diane Sanford started this new blog to create a new and sustaining self-care regimen in just 21 days. In three weeks, parents can develop the habits of mind and body to care for themselves as well as they do their little ones.

To Use or Not to Use Antipsychotic Drugs on Children

2010-09-16T16:01:00.001-07:00

My friend Ruthie is getting her PhD in couples and family therapy, which is great because (A): she is super smart and hard-working, and (B): she shares her readings with me, so I don't have to go to the trouble of hunting down the latest research myself!

So, this recent article she shared piqued my interest because many families struggle with the question of whether to medicate a young child who has violent outbursts.

I've seen it both ways. Some kids are really helped by medication, but ONLY IF they are properly diagnosed and treated. Others are mis-diagnosed and over-medicated. By the time they reach 13 or 14 years-old, they realize they've been mistreated and are really, really angry and distrustful of the health system and the adults around them. And either way, it still leaves open the question of what the long-term effects are of antipsychotics on young children. We just don't have the long-term case studies to know with certainty what the outcome will be.

Kyle's family's story illustrates that when family's like his are given counseling and other social supports, children's behavior changes. And at least with counseling, we know there are no long-term biological effects. Long-term social-emotional effects, yes indeed, but physiological harm: no way!

Back to School Anxiety

2010-08-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Time once again to get out the backpacks, lunch boxes, pencils, and erasers. All over, students are getting ready to go back to the classroom. While some excitedly anticipate the first day of school, others look on that day with dread. Here are three strategies to help your nervous student (or yourself, all you adult learners out there!) face the first day:

1. Remember a time you faced a great anxiety-inducing task, and did it anyway.

A favorite personal example of mine was the time I jumped off the high-diving board. I was probably 8 or 9 years old, and I really wanted to jump off the high dive. I had climbed to the top of the stairs several times, each time getting a little farther down the board before turning back. After several attempts, I finally inched my way to the end of the board. It felt like my heart was beating in my stomach. The fear made me want to turn back, but I told myself: I've come this far, just jump. And I did. We can't feel brave without feeling fear first.

2. Find someone else to commisserate with.

Anxiety dislikes company. Talk to another friend or student about first-day jitters. Perhaps you'll find you're not alone. For some, hearing yourself say, "I feel anxious" actually takes away some of the anxiety's power.

3. Focus on a positive counterfactual.

I must give credit to Allison Gopnik's book, "The Philosophical Baby" for introducing me to the "counterfactual". The term "counterfactual" describes mental play where one imagines what could be or what might have been. Anxiety produces counterfactuals in which one experiences minor discomfort to horrible catastrophe. Consider other counterfactuals other than the ones anxiety would describe, such as: "This year I will make a new friend", or, "This year I will excel at math." Throughout the first day, focus on signs that your counterfactual is coming true.

Welcome back to school!

Northern Ireland Proves that Therapeutic Care--Not Incarceration--Keeps Juveniles from Re-offending

2010-07-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was saying, "Hmm-hmm, yes, yes, amen!" while listening to this story from the BBC while driving home tonight. It--literally!--drove home that adolescents who commit crimes can lives free of criminal behavior. Incarceration and probation, however, do not have nearly the lasting effects of facing consequences as laid out by the victims in face-to-face meetings. There are no victim-less crimes, but too often, there are victim-absent judgments and sentencing. Talk about having to face the consequences!

The Moral Life of Babies

2010-05-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

I loved this article in The New York Times that suggests that we are hard-wired to be fair and cooperative, even in infancy. Those "random acts of kindness" perhaps aren't so random after all...

Because You are (or You Know) a Mom who Needs a Night Out

2010-03-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

All right, ladies, bring on the sequins and taffeta: It's prom time! (Only this time it's for a cause better than overcoming awkwardness and proving your date's got nothing on your dance moves.)

THE MOM PROM:
DANCING, DRINKS, DESSERT
FOR A GREAT CAUSE

8 P.M. TO MIDNIGHT
APRIL 10
NAVAL RESERVE BUILDING, SOUTH LAKE UNION

ADVANCE TICKETS: $35
(that includes 2 drinks)
www.seattlemomprom.com

"I started thinking about putting together the Seattle Mom Prom when I became a parent and realized how crucial having a solid support system is for mothers. I wanted to organize an event for women to honor and celebrate moms, and support a great organization like Postpartum Support International of Washington," said Myla Rugge, founder of the Seattle Mom Prom.

All proceeds from the Seattle Mom Prom will directly benefit Postpartum Support International (PSI) of Washington, a non-profit organization designed to support and educate women, families and professionals about Postpartum Mood Disorders (PPMD). For more information about PSI of WA, please contact 1-888-404-PPMD (7763) or visit www.ppmdsupport.com.

No one Needs to Suffer Alone

2010-03-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

Alexa Aguilar, a freelance reporter for the Chicago Tribune, wrote a recent piece urging women who are suffering symptoms of a postpartum mood disorder to get help.

Firstly, amen, Alexa, amen!

Secondly, I was caught off-guard by this sentence: "At the hospital, we were all handed information about the warning signs of postpartum depression and anxiety."

Now, I remember getting lots of information about baby care at the hospital, but nothing about ppmds, or was I just too groggy to remember? Or is Seattle just behind Chicago on this issue?

Regardless, yes, Alexa is right: help is out there! (In Washington state, check www.ppmdsupport.com for resources near you.)

Surviving PTSD After Traumatic Birth

2010-02-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

Taffy Brodesser-Akner shared her story on Salon.com about how her traumatic birth experience brought on PTSD. Her story serves as a rallying cry for a woman's right to make informed decisions for herself about her care during childbirth. I loved what she had to say about surviving this unfortunate (and sadly, physician-induced) disorder:

"But what my diagnosis has given me is a sense of relief: relief from wondering what was wrong with me, relief from a pricey conveyor belt of specialists who dismissed me as a hormonal, overwhelmed woman. Relief that I don't have to be a person who can handle everything. Relief that other people have gone through this, and survived."

Thank you, Taffy, for speaking out!

We're Neither All Orchid nor All Dandelions, so says Dobbs

2010-02-15T10:43:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to clarify the seemingly binary categories of "orchid" and "dandelion" temperments, David Dobbs in a conversation with David Shenk (also of The Atlantic) says, "(I)t would be a rare person that was all orchid, so to speak, or all dandelion."

I agree. While the orchid-dandelion metaphor is useful in expressing different levels of sensitivity among children and adults, it fails to capture the wide range of in-between where dandelion-ness makes way for orchid-ness, and vice versa.

I recommend reading Dobbs' and Shenk's lively conversation here.

The Reproductive Gap

2010-02-12T11:06:00.001-08:00

A while back I wrote about a column Lisa Belkin wrote for the New York Times about how caregivers of young children need to articulate to prospective employers on their resumes the skills they've attained while being stay-at-home parents and how they can bring those to bear successfully in the paid work world. Now, here comes an interesting article in The Chronicle of Higher Education where the author, Amy Kittlestrom, makes a persuasive argument for placing a "reproductive allowance" on one's vita, explaining what one might have achieved (a book, a research project, etc.) during time spent giving birth to and raising young children.

I'm curious how others who've returned to paid work have dealt with this "baby gap" issue on their resumes. Bring your comments!

New Interactive Blog Explores the Connection Between Eating Problems and Relationships

2010-02-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

I've just come across a new interactive blog from Beverly Price that provides a forum for discussing how eating problems and personal relationships are interconnected. Please share with the people you know who struggle with eating problems.