From the Heart of Soul Sistas

My Birthday Campaign

2013-04-11T09:30:00.000+01:00

It's being a minute Writefreak and I were here. We've been on a break and I am actually just here to share something exciting with you. This has nothing to do with relationships or marriage so please indulge me

Soooooo it's my birthday today!!!! Woo hoo. I am extremely grateful to God for his goodness in my life.

I turn a year older and I'm actually wiser. I learned that 800 million people on this planet still don't have access to clean drinking water, and I'm doing something about it.

This year, I'm giving up my birthday for charity: water.  Most of us are fortunate to have water and even 
take it for granted, so I think it will be a cool thing if we help those in need.

Instead of you my dear friends and followers giving me presents, or writing on 
my Facebook wall, please donate $33 for my 33rd birthday, and help me 
bring clean water to people in need. 

Of course you can donate any amount you like, that is the most important thing and I will be extremely grateful.

Please go to my campaign for more details on why I am doing this and to donate: http://mycharitywater.org/birthday-pledge-campaign

What's really cool is that 100% of the money we raise will directly fund water
 project costs in the field, and charity: water will prove every single dollar. 


When the project we help fund is complete, they'll send us a digital completion report with GPS coordinates and photos of the community we helped. Here's an example. 

I can't think of a better way to celebrate my birthday than by giving the gift of clean water to people in need. 

Please join me to make my goal a reality. http://mycharitywater.org/birthday-pledge-campaign

Thank you for your support! 

Aloted

P.S. Read this story from charity: water to learn how clean water changes lives.

Amazing Marriage Bundle on Offer!

2013-02-05T19:10:00.000+00:00

Hi people,

I would love to recommend 5 books on Marriage to you all.

I follow Dustin Riechmann's blog (author of the 1st book) and I totally love it. I have also read Entangled (book 4) and wow it blew my mind away.

I look forward to reading the other books.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, this romantic marriage bundle is packed full of resources to strengthen your marriage!

Whether you've been married for 6 months or 25 years, you're sure to find something new and fresh in this collection from top Christian marriage authors and bloggers. Singles intended to marry should also get these books as the information in them are timeless!

Get all 5 ebooks listed below for only $7.40 (a savings of over 80%) for one week only.

15-Minute Marriage Makeover by Dustin Riechmann 15-Minute Marriage Makeover is more than an ebook; it's a plan designed to refresh your relationship, add sizzle to your sex life and bring more happiness to your marriage. And all of that in just 15 minutes a day!

The exercises in this book focus on the four pillars of a happy marriage -- communication, romance, intimacy and finances -- with time management tools, mini lessons, couple time tasks and a weekly date night to review the topic of the week.

A Simple Marriage by Corey Allan, PhD Written to help you experience more in your marriage, A Simple Marriage: The Path to Experiencing More in Marriage and Life is a compilation of Corey Allan's experience as a husband and counselor.

Not only will it show you the foundational principles that are present in every marriage and an understanding of where you currently are in your relationship, but it also provides the encouragement, tools and steps to help you invest in your marriage today, whether your spouse is interested in participating or not.

Stripped Down by Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo In Stripped Down: 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage, this husband and wife duo show you how to create a solid marital foundation by placing God at the center of your relationship, establish family boundaries, improve communication, make your bedroom a sanctuary, have fun together and much more.

With frank conversation and practical advice, this ebook will walk you through exercises to invest in intimacy and reconnect with your spouse.

Entangled by Amy Bennett Through her own story, Amy gives readers an honest, detailed look into an emotional affair and how God restored her marriage.

In Entangled: Recognizing Your Emotional Affair &; Restoring Your Marriage, she shares what an emotional affair looks like, how to get out of one and -- most importantly -- how God can meet your deepest need for the love you’re seeking.

The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky by Marla Taviano With Marla's candid humor, The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky clues guys in to the way their wives operate and gives them practical suggestions for being husbands their women want to make love to.

Although it's written primarily to men, The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky provides insight for both men and women into what makes their other half tick and how to achieve a fulfilling sex life.

This inexpensive Marriage bundle is only available from now till 8am EST on Monday, 2/11.

Get yours today by clicking HERE or the button below

Do Male Virgins exist?

2013-02-01T16:01:00.001+00:00


Jeffrey "JT" Tyler 29 Year Old Male Virgin Abstinence Advocate

I was reading One + The one's blog post on men and virginity and it got me thinking. There are a number of ladies just like her who would love to marry a virgin man. The fear however is that such men do not exist and I strongly beg to differ. Anytime I hear the statement there are no virgin men out there or it is not expected that men are virgins, it makes me wonder so who are the heterosexual men sleeping with? Themselves?? Surely not. So that means if heterosexual men are sleeping with heterosexual girls then there shouldn’t be an expectation that girls should be virgins while men shouldn’t be. Do you catch my drift?

Anytime I hear the statement there are no virgin men out there or it is not expected that men are virgins or that male virgins are lame, it makes me wonder so who are the heterosexual men sleeping with? Themselves??

So logic tells me if heterosexual men are sleeping with heterosexual girls then there shouldn’t be an expectation that girls should be virgins while men shouldn’t be. Do you catch my drift?

Logic aside, I have some good news for V girls looking for V men- they do exist!!! They may not carry a placard around announcing their purity status but they are out there.

Researchers of the Centre of Disease control found that between 2006 and 2008, the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old men who had never had any form of sexual contact* with another person was 27 percent (up from 22 percent in 2002) while the percentage of 15- to 24-year-old females who had never had any sex whatsoever* was 29 percent (up 7 percent points from 22 percent in 2002).

*These includes oral and anal sex.

Interesting stats don't you think?

There are advantages to marrying a virgin just like yourself.

When it comes to love making, you may fail at it together, laugh over it together and learn together.

The fact that you have kept yourself for each other helps instill trust in yourselves.

You both probably have a sense of sexual responsibility, and a high level of self-discipline. If you didn’t sleep around before marriage that would probably be the case after marriage.

You don’t have to worry about where your partner learnt one “hot” skill during love making.

Now please note that I am not saying being a virgin or marrying a virgin is a SURE guarantee that your marriage will be successful. There are certainly other factors involved in the success of a marriage.

//Side note//

I know some people don’t care much about marrying virgins. They want someone with awesome breathtaking bedroom experience! Lol. That’s fine and your choice. In fact this post isn’t directed at you at all but we don’t mind you reading :)

//End side note//

What I am trying to pass across in this post is that if your heart desire is to marry a virgin just like you- there is hope! You are not the only one out there.

More and more people (both male and female) are keeping their V statuses and more people are abstaining from premarital sex.

Also it’s possible that you are no longer a virgin but now abstaining from sex till marriage. There are also other people out there like you.

Even though it appears more people are making the decision to remain virgins or abstain from premarital sex, that choice still isn’t so popular. Some people don’t get what the hype is all about but I will encourage you to stick to your conviction.

God who is faithful sees your commitment to sexual purity and keeping yourself for your future spouse. I believe he will honour your desire by giving you someone to marry who is committed to doing the same thing.

More reading

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/41879879/ns/health-sexual_health/#.UQvHxeiHzSw

http://whatthehealthmag.wordpress.com/2011/03/10/is-virginity-the-new-black/

http://chastity.com/seminars/statistics/statistics

http://soulsistasheart.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/lets-talk-about-sex.html

A reader's question- Am I over spiritualizing dating?

2013-01-09T07:00:00.000+00:00

I got this question sometime last year but due to reasons that are totally my fault I am only getting around to posting this. First of all I apologise to the person who sent the question in for posting this late after promising that I would put this up. Please forgive me. I have no excuse really. I sincerely hope it is not too late for answers.

My people so here's the question for you. This reader needs our sincere advice.

Look forward to your answers. Thanks
Aloted

***********************************************************

Just wanted to say I came across your blog, your posts are really encouraging, positive, and changed my perspective on a lot of things. Thank you for sharing.

So I just wanted to know what your thoughts are on overspiritualizing dating/relationships.

I ask this because a few of my friends say that I over spiritualize every aspect of meeting a guy/dating and perhaps this is why i'm still single.

I'm 25, never been in a relationship, not because I've never wanted to but it just never seemed to happened for me (perhaps God allowed this to save me from the pain of heartbreaks until he sent me my partner?) . Perhaps because of my "lack of experience" and because of the fact that i'm an emotional person, i feel very strongly about guarding my heart, I'm very cautious of who I choose to pursue a relationship with.

I feel very strongly about only dating the person I will eventually marry, partly because I know that my heart can't handle emotional rollercoasters that comes with break ups. This does not mean i'm not friendly to guys who approach me.

I also feel strongly about becoming friends with a guy first, and if God wills something else may follow, but i'm very selective on who I go on dates with, and I pray about every single aspect of meeting a person and interacting with them, to even dating them.

I'm "old fashioned" and I strongly believe that a man should have the desire to pursue me and not vice versa but my friends feel like this mindset will keep me single for a while.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I need to get out more and meet more people because God is not just going to drop someone in your lap, but at the same time I don't always have the time to do this. I believe that God will somehow make my path cross with that of my future "king" eventually no matter what.

What are your perspectives/advice on this issue? My aim is to please God and him alone, I desire to date and get married but are some of my thought processes wrong?

P.S Please keep the questions coming in and I promise to be prompt at posting them (so help me God!)

Happy New Year

2013-01-08T15:17:00.000+00:00

I know we are 8 days late but better late than never, right? :)

For now we leave you with this poem

"This New Year brings

Another Year

Renewing Hope...

Dispelling care.

And may we find

Before the end,

A deep content...

Another friend"

Arch Ward

Here's to great and solid relationships formed and renewed in 2013.

See you around people
xxx

We were nominated- Nigeria blog awards

2012-10-23T14:41:00.002+01:00

Write-freak and I are so so excited!!! Our Blog From the Heart of SoulSistas Blog got nominated not once but TWICE in the Nigerian Blog Awards... Woooo hoooo!!!!!

How cool is that?? Thank you for nominating us. We are humbled to know you believe in us.

Please will you help us win?

All you need to do is go here, follow the instructions and vote. You don't have to be Nigerian to vote so please don't let that stop you. :)

Please vote in the following categories

Best Collaborative or Group Blog- From the heart of soulsistas
Best Relationship Blog- From the heart of soulsistas

Also my personal blog Purpose Driven Blog was nominated for Best Faith Based Blog as well. Please vote my blog for this category. Pretty please

We will be extremely grateful if you do this for us.

Voting ends Nov 11 but please do it now so you don't forget. :)

Thank you all

God bless!
Aloted

My best friend is getting married to Mr Wrong- What do I do?

2012-10-12T11:30:00.000+01:00

Hi friends,

We hope you are doing well?

Please read below. Please can you advise Tara on what to do concerning her best friend?

Thanks

Aloted

***************************************************************************

I am 30 years old and I have been married for two years and I have a son. My bestie is the same age as me but isn’t married. We are both Christians.

source: google images

She has dated a few men but it didn’t work out. Her last relationship ended in heart break. She met this man a few months ago and they are already talking marriage. Personally I don’t think this man is good enough for her. I think she is settling for less. Growing up we both had a list for marriage- “must have” and “can’t stand”. We said we would never marry someone who has any of our “can’t stand” characteristics. This man has at least three of her “can’t stand” features! He is not born again (yes he goes to church but I know he isn’t), he smokes socially when with friends (or so he says) and he has been married before with two kids.

I have tried to remind my friend about our lists but she was like that was when we were young and in fairytale land. This is reality and time is ticking. She says the guy loves her (and has a lot of her must have features) and compared to the other guys she has dated even Christians he has been honest with her about himself.

I am shocked my friend is saying all these; I am not even sure about her spiritual life anymore. I think she is angry with God over her past failed relationships. I asked if she is ready to be a step mum and be involved in his former wife’s drama. She said the former wife and children live abroad and won’t be part of their lives. That she is a big girl and can handle it. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I am scared my friend is making the wrong choice out of desperation. I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. But I am happily married with a child and she once said jokingly don’t I want her to join me in married life so we can swap stories. Of course I want her to be married but to the right man. Gosh! That is so not what marriage is about- swapping stories.

How do I get through to my friend? Her parents are late and she is the eldest of her siblings. This guy is rich and has promised to take care of her and her siblings.

Do you think I am over reacting? I don’t want to lose my best friend over this man but I am very worried for her.

Please what do I do? Thank you

Tara.

Healing and Moving on: Are they the Same?

2012-09-18T08:45:00.000+01:00

Today we are honored to have a guest post by Maggielola who blogs at worshipandswag.com. I was totally blessed by her wittiness. I hope this post helps someone who needs healing out there.

source: google images

Healing and Moving on: Are they the same? Maybe they are. Indeed we use them interchangeably and rightfully so. But like fraternal twins, one is orobo (fat) and the other is lepa (slim). I say this because they convey the same meaning but sadly, we have collapsed their functions into one word: moving on.

Sex and love have always fascinated me and I read about them regularly. I'm always eager to know what this jar of cookies promises for those who are obedient to save "The grand Opening" of the jar to the right one. But sometimes we stumble and fall, and this is where the process of moving on and healing comes to play.

I can relate so many premature activities of the heart to buying a small bowl of yogurt and eating it absentmindedly. We forget that the enjoyment is short-lived, and the deliciousness of the yogurt WILL have us wanting more.

But it does cost us some things; things we most assuredly cannot afford to pay. It costs us hurt, denial, and depression. You feel like complaining to everyone about how bad the yogurt company aka the boyfriend is, but you forgot how often you looked forward to eating the yogurt at the slightest opportunity.

The anger expressed by the yogurt eater is the emotion experienced by a heartbroken person who has realized that the few moments of pleasure are over.

Let's get digging
If the purpose of ending a relationship isn't to recuperate, smother yourself with love, and prepare for the next one then I wonder what the purpose is!

Interestingly however, like all business transactions, you do have to end every bad relationship very well and moving on is the process.

We have reached out to certified coaches who arm you with commitment sirens, machetes and love portions. In as much so, love portions aren't only mixed in cauldrons; they're in every book that teaches you to switch into attack and defense mode to subdue the alpha male.

(Note: I didn't say they're all evil). But my problem with these programs is that they neglect nurturing of a wounded spirit and simply encourage you to move on.

I kid you not, there is no "Eureka!" during the course of simply moving on. If care is not taken you could slide into your past by reminiscing over your failures.

The fact that you've broken all communication with your ex and have revisited your Mr. Perfect list doesn't mean you're on a healing path. You might be moving on, but are you on the path to restoration? And how will you find love if you're always moving on?

But moving on does work, right?
Simply moving on doesn't soothe your heartache. Forget what relationship experts say about staring in the mirror daily and screaming "I'm beautiful". Half the time, just moving on will bring to your attention all your "I could've haves" and "Had I knowns."

Emotional healing cannot be rushed. There are no ABC steps/rules to healing; there are only godly steps to healing. Healing goes into your spirit man, the one who has been aggrieved, and you need time to tap into that spiritual realm.

We have trivialized the concept of healing such that our main priority is to rid ourselves of the emotional baggage- which is true. But for healing to take place, there needs to be brokenness.

You need to be broken and humbled for your creator to remove the arrow lodged in your heart, preventing you from moving forward to where He has prepared for you.

An auto mechanic cannot repair a broken vehicle that is cruising at 50mile/hr on the highways; he has to turn off the engine, diagnose the problem and determine what parts to replace.

In most cases, the initial problem is hidden while the trouble you're experiencing with relationships are just wear and tear on parts always in motion! (Think about that)

♥♥♥

The healing process craves and deserves more attention than moving on. Your closure and counseling prepares you for healing, they do not give you healing. They prepare you to move on.

Your healing comes from God who heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Healing means rebirth, weights lifted off your shoulders, and a revelation of what is to come!

True healing comes when you can safely look at your scars and smile because you're reminded of your strength, not pain. When you are healed, you would reach out to the ones who hurt you to pray for them because you've been set free from shackles of condemnation. Healing means you've been delivered from pain. Moving on does not guarantee that!

However, you can hasten the moving on process by retracing your steps to God. If you are looking for love you need to find God. Know the real meaning by learning from Him and then you will be able to apply this knowledge to your relationships. Find a man who fears God and he will love you for the rest of your life!

So what are your thoughts are healing and moving on the same thing?

Bio:

Maggielola is currently a Social Media and Marketing intern with the American Diabetes Association North Dakota office. A faith-based blogger at worshipandswag.com with an emphasis on women and relationships with Men/God, she fantasizes about planning a powerful all-female concert with over 3000 women and gospel artistes in attendance! She’s an avid watcher of Korean dramas but still has hope in Nollywood. :)

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The Nigerian Blog Awards is ongoing please nominate our blog- http://www.soulsistasheart.blogspot.com/ for best relationship blog and best group blog. Thank YOU!

Be Our Guest

2012-08-20T06:43:00.000+01:00

Quick Notice!!!

We are now accepting guest posts on the soulsistas' blog.

For more information, please check our guest post guidelines.

Have a blessed week!

Know Yourself Before You Get Married

2012-08-10T11:34:00.004+01:00

"Can two walk together except they agree?" Amos 3.3

source: google images

Knowing yourself is a prerequisite to knowing WHO to marry. When you are truly aware of who you are it will be hard for you to marry Mr. Wrong.

Knowing yourself helps you know your value and your worth. That way you would not sell yourself short. It will be easy to separate the weed from the chaff (yes we are talking about men)

Getting married shouldn’t be based on sentiments, pity or lofty emotions. In fact I almost see choosing a life partner as a form of business transaction.

Some areas to know about yourself include:

Your Strengths

God has given every single person strengths and abilities. What are you excellent at? What do you do flawlessly? Note them down; if you are not sure ask your friends and family.

In a successful marriage your strengths should complement your partner’s weaknesses e.g. you are good with excel spreadsheets and keeping account of your finances. This will be a great benefit to a man who loves to spend but needs someone to balance the accounts.

Your Weaknesses

These are areas you are struggling with or working on. It does not make sense to marry someone who has similar weaknesses to you. You are heading for doom.

I once dated a guy who was very short tempered. I on the other hand can be hot tempered and quick to vent when I am angry (ya ,ya I am improving, marriage is teaching me! Thanks for your concern..lol).

I saw him angry on a few occasions and let’s just say it was never a pleasant sight. He was a good man and ticked a lot of boxes. However recognising my own weakness, I knew it would be suicidal to marry him. I bowed out as fast as I could.

If you are like me, you want to marry a man that compliments your hot temperedness. Someone who is patient and calm, who can douse your anger when it raises its ugly head.

Can you tell by now I have a calm husband?

Your Passions

What are you passionate about? What gets you going? What keeps you alive and fulfilled? This is another key area you cannot compromise on.

If your intended is not thrilled about your passion or his passion will not make room for you to follow your passion, then think twice before signing the dotted line.

Marriage should benefit both parties not just the man.

You don’t have to be passionate about the same things but the key is in knowing if the man you want to marry will support your passion and not hinder you from fulfilling it.

Your Purpose

This is similar to your passion but is of a higher nature. Your purpose is bigger than you. What is your purpose in life? What is your vision? Will marrying this guy kill your purpose or make it come to live.

What is the man’s vision? Do you see yourself being a part of his vision?

Does he even have a vision? If he doesn’t, um how are you going to help him?Remember a key role of the wife is to be a help-meet to the husband, so he has to have something you are helping him with, right?

When you get married your destiny is tied to the person you marry FOREVER. A lot of marriages are in trouble today because the man and wife have separate visions and there is no common ground. This drives them further apart and before you know it there is resentment and unfufillment in the marriage. Infidelity and Divorce lurk quietly around the corner.

This will not be your story but you have to do the work BEFORE marriage. Invest in knowing yourself and any man that wants to marry you. It will make identifying Mr Right easier.

God has given you wisdom; use it when choosing your life partner.

Marriage is hard work enough; don’t make your life and future any more complicated by marrying someone you are not compatible with.

Singles- do you think it is important to know who you are and if you are compartible with someone before marriage?

Married folks- was compartibility a determining factor in choosing your spouse or not?

We will love to hear from you. Please leave us a comment or question in the comment section below.

In order not to miss a post from us, please subscribe below. Thanks

Sex Interrupted

2012-05-16T10:54:00.000+01:00

It is my pleasure to introduce Sarah Teibo the author of "Sex Interrupted", a book highly recommended for every single and even parents.

Sarah and I both worked in Accenture Lagos years ago and I knew her as a very sweet and friendly lady. We kept in touch on and off, and recently met up in the UK again. When I found out she wrote a book on Sex, I was so excited and knew we had to feature her on this blog. Y'all know we are passionate about this subject and we have talked a bit about Sex on this blog here and here.

Ok before I turn this into another blog post, please meet Sarah and what she has to say about her book "Sex Interrupted". Thank you Sarah for agreeing to this interview.

Blessings,
Aloted

*****************************************************

1. Please tell us about yourself - I am a Certified Accountant and currently work in one of the UKs biggest banks. When I’m not number crunching and trying to proactively manage my stakeholders, I enjoy singing and writing. My writing varies from writing music, to novels, to stage plays and Christian literature. In addition to this, I do a lot of motivational speaking. I am also married with a three year old daughter.

2. When did you first consider yourself a writer? I first found out about my writing abilities in Secondary School, when I scored high grades for writing original fictional stories. I knew I had the gift, but did not know I would one day call myself a writer.

3. What books did you read growing up? Pacesetter and Mills and Boon novels. There was hardly any Christian literature that addressed the youth and youthful interests.

4. What books have influenced your life most? Definitely the Bible

5. “Sex Interrupted” I love the title- how did you come up with that title? When I finished the first draft, I called it Sex and the Single. However, I wanted something catchy, something that would get people talking without giving too much away. And so Sex Interrupted was born.

6. Is Sex Interrupted your first book? If not, how many books have you written published and unpublished? It is my first published book. I’m working on a couple of books on relationships at the moment

7. What is the inspiration behind Sex Interrupted? I was motivated to write Sex Interrupted from my own personal experiences while dating my husband. Resisting the urge to have sex was one of my greatest struggles and in my quest to understand why love could make you do foolish things and how to repress the earnest yearnings of my flesh, I did some studying and research and ended up with the book. I also have a passion for enlightening young people on the truth about sex and to correct the misconceptions some have on this most interesting topic, so felt inspired to share it with the world.

8. How long did it take you to write your book? Writing the manuscript lasted just under two years

9. What challenges did you face when writing your book? The biggest challenge was probably writer’s block

10. So tell us a bit about the book- What genre of book will you categorise your book? Who did you write the book for? My writing style in Sex Interrupted is very unique in that each chapter starts with a fictional story that many young single people can relate to and then goes on to practical Biblical principles and tips on the topic being addressed. This makes the book fit into quite a number of genres. I would categorise it as ‘Christian’, ‘Relationships’ and ‘Romance’. Issues touched on in the book include pornography, sexual abuse, the reality of the Christian’s struggle, overcoming sexual pressure from within, seduction, and a lot more. The target audience for this book is youth and singles, but I’ve had a number of parents who bought it and came back to me with great feedback, so I would say everyone could benefit from reading it.

11. Is there a message in your book that you want to pass across to your readers? Abstinence is difficult, but it is possible

12. Should we expect more books from you? Yes, I am currently working on a fiction novel on relationships

13. What do you like to do when you're not writing? Watch comedy

14. For those who would like to buy your book, where can they get it from? The eBook can be ordered from amazon by clicking here the hard copies can also be ordered on amazon by clicking here or by going to http://www.sarahteibo.co.uk/ (for those in Ghana and Nigeria)

Sarah can be found on facebook and on her website http://www.sarahteibo.co.uk/

Sexual Purity

2012-03-21T07:10:00.000+00:00

A few weeks ago, there was a hot question on Myne’s Blog about Christianity and sex. I read through the comments and was very thrilled and pleased to see that a number of Christians voiced out their opinion against premarital sex. We all know that the subject of premarital sex can be controversial and a lot of people see nothing wrong with it. However more and more young adults are beginning to realise that it is a big deal and it pays to wait till marriage to have sex.

theresurgence.com

We would not be addressing why premarital sex is wrong today. We already addressed this in the let's talk about sex post. We want to share practical steps on how to avoid falling into the temptation of sexual sin or fornication as the bible puts it when dating/courting. Many young christians struggle with this issue in their relationships. Society has made us believe it is not possible to abstain from premarital sex or to be sexually pure but that is a lie from the pit of hell. If it were not possible God would not have commanded it.

These tips are for singles who take sexual purity seriously and want to commit to God, themselves and their future spouse.

Be sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page when it comes to being sexually pure. We don’t believe only the girl in a relationship should be concerned about being sexually pure, both the guy and girl are to be held to the same standards, God's standards. What does sexual purity and sexual sin mean to both of you. Read verses in the bible that talk about sexual immorality and discuss them. Make sure you do this early in the relationship before your emotions start raging high (at this point it will be hard to make any reasonable decisions). If you realise you are both on different pages, then it might be worth reevaluating the purpose of that relationship. Our advice is that you going into a relationship with a fellow christian who is on the same page as you. This will make it easier to overcome sexual sin.

Write out your standards and ask God to help you stick to them. You can make your own purity pledge cards or check google and print one and keep on you. Some singles choose to wear a purity ring or purity necklace or bracelet till they get married. Both of you should be committed to sticking to your pledge however don’t rely on your boyfriend to enforce the standards. If your boyfriend is weak, you have to step up, be strong and nip things in the bud.

Tell yourself it can happen to you. I think one big problem that dating Christians have is they think it cannot happen to them i.e. falling into sexual sin. As a result, temptation creeps up on them and they are ill prepared. By acknowledging that you are human and you have feelings and that YOU can fall into sexual sin, you can be more prepared and guard yourselves against sin.

Be accountable to others about your relationship. Find a mentor, this could be an older Christian married couple or another Christian dating couple you trust and who takes sexual purity seriously and be accountable to them. When you know you have to report back on your dating affairs to someone that should help keep you in check.

Focus on talking and not on touching. Communication is very essential to the success of a relationship. Talk about anything and everything. The more you talk the more you know about the other person and the more you touch, the less you talk and the less you know about the other person.

Plan your time together well in advance on activities to do together. Avoid staying indoors for long or in places where you cannot be interrupted. This can be a very conducive atmosphere to fall into temptation. Go out more often, spend time with other dating couples, spend time with family and spend more time in public places. This forces you to do more talking and less touching. Sleepovers are a no-no or sitting in the car together alone. You are only setting yourselves up for a fall.

This might sound odd but don’t pray together behind closed doors. I have found that praying together makes you feel close and intimate and could actually lead you to other things you are trying to avoid.

Renew your mind. Sexual purity starts from the mind. What are you feeding your mind on, what books do you read, what TV or Internet programs do you watch, what type of music do you listen to. Feed your mind with the word of God, inspirational books, and edifying materials. I am not saying watching movies is bad but it gets to a point in your christian walk that you find some movies or music unedifying.

Take the relationship sloooooow… When things are moving too fast like a car going out of control, pull the brakes! Ask yourself why the rush, where are we rushing to? Be in control of your relationship and not the relationship in control of you. Time has a way of showing us what really matters. Remember Love is patience

Engaged couples are even more susceptible to premarital sex. Don’t get engaged till there is a wedding date in sight. Be more on your guard. Avoid tapping into the privileges of marriage before marriage especially sexually. Quarter to marriage is not the same as being married.

If you have fallen into sexual sin, there is still hope for you. The key is not to stay defeated or think oh well, "I might as well continue since I am in it already". No! Repent, ask God to forgive you and restore you back to him. Staying sexually pure is possible. Implement a plan to avoid falling into future temptation, as they will come

God honours sexual purity. A lot of marriages are in trouble today because of the seed of sexual immorality that was sown premarital days. The cost of sexual impurity is very high and as a child of God do what you must to avoid it.

We would love to hear your tips on staying sexually pure .

God bless

Can SHE propose?

2012-03-07T07:15:00.000+00:00

I’m conservative, old school, probably traditional and most importantly, I base my decisions on God’s word. As a result, I like to think it’s a man’s job to do the asking, it’s the woman’s part to do the answering. I know there might be exceptions to every rule and I’m not even saying this is a rule.

Let’s start from Genesis, God made Adam and then after He had made Adam and given him a job, He made him fall into a deep sleep. He then fashioned a woman out of him. Eve came and then Adam decided she was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and called her woman. We can infer that Adam proposed to Eve or well, acknowledged her as his woman.

Go forward a bit in the bible, Abraham told his servant to go and find a wife for his son Isaac among his own people (Gen 24:4). The servant went to Nahor and found Rebecca for Isaac. He then took her back to meet him in Canaan. He did the asking, the woman did the consenting. So many parts of the bible show us how the man asked for the woman’s hand in marriage. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” Prov 18:22. Note it says HE.

I tend to think the man is the head of the home, even as the word of God says; ‘the man is the head of the woman...’ (in the context of their home) and if he is the leader, he should be bold enough to ask the woman to be his wife. He is the God ordained physical and spiritual leader and if the woman has to start leading before they are married, it might be pointers to the fact that he might find it hard to step up to his leadership roles in marriage. Also, if a woman pops the question out rightly, a man might feel pressured into making a lifetime commitment.

Of course, I think, a woman can give the man hints if the courtship seems be dragging and he is not making any moves towards marriage. A lady can bring up the topic and see what the man’s reaction is to it. Also if the relationship has a solid foundation, both parties should be open to discussing the issue of marriage. Proposals don’t necessarily have to be the traditional; man drops down on one knee, brings out a ring and asks the woman to marry him in the presence of others’.

In my case, my husband and I had agreed from the word go that we would get married. It was only a matter of ‘right timing’ and as we went along, he constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his wife. At some point in our relationship, he bought me a ring to make it more formal. When we were going to get married, it was more of a discussion as we had agreed to get married and he had proposed to me way before this time.

It is not expressly written in the bible that a man must seek a woman's hand in marriage but several scriptures point to men making the proposal. Culture also appreciates men making the marriage move. In the old days, the man’s family would go to the woman’s to ask for the hand of the woman in marriage. In fact, in those days, the woman didn’t really have much of a say in whatever family her parents and extended family agree to give her in marriage to.

Having said all of the above, I realise in life that there are any hard and fast rules really and no two relationships are the same. Nothing signifies that a marriage in which the woman did the asking will be problematic.

It would be nice to hear your opinions and contributions. Do you think a woman can or should pop the question? Is it right? Can it affect the relationship or marriage adversely? We look forward to hearing the thoughts of both our male and female readers. If we can get some real life examples, that would also be great.

Ps: It’s great to be back from my sabbatical. Hopefully I will be around here more often from now on.

Writefreak

Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

2012-02-29T07:00:00.000+00:00

Unfortunately we won't be featuring our guest blogger for today's love chronicle series due to circumstances beyond all our control. The post will be up ASAP but in it's place we are featuring extracts from an article we think you would all enjoy. Before marriage we believe you have to do your due diligence and go into it well informed.

This article poses some questions you should ask yourself and intending before tying the knot. The courtship period is meant to get to know each other better in and out. Apart from counseling in church, I remember my hubby and I went over the manual "Before you say 'I do'" by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts. It shed a lot of light into our relationship and helped us to ask ourselves questions we didn't think about initially. I definitely recommend that manual.

So we will be sharing some of the key questions from the article with you. If you would like to read the complete article it can be found here.

Are you willing to grow up? Your own maturity level, and that of your spouse, will determine how well you all can work together in marriage and how likely you all will be to stick with your relationship or give up on it. So each of you needs to honestly assess your current spiritual, emotional, social, and financial maturity by reflecting on issues such as how much self-control you each have, how much you respect authority, how much you can say “no” to some activities so you can say “yes” to those that are best for you, how much peace versus drama you have in your relationships with others, how often you keep your promises and follow through on commitments, whether or not you have a job that pays your bills, and whether or not you’re in debt.

Are you “equally yoked”? It’s never God’s will for you to be yoked (tied together) in marriage with someone who’s not a Christian, because a person who’s not connected to Jesus can’t head in the same direction as you can. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can pull an unbelieving spouse closer to Jesus; what happens instead in marriages between believers and unbelievers is that the unbelieving spouse pulls the believing spouse further away from Jesus. Realize that you can fall in love with anyone you happen to be attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that you should marry them.

Have you talked about money? Disclose all of your financial information to the person you’re considering marrying, and expect full disclosure from him or her, too. Talk about how each of you plans to earn, spend, save, give, and invest money if you get married, and why. If you discover that one or both of you doesn’t currently have a healthy budget or healthy money management attitudes or habits, get help and make changes before getting married to save yourselves from having to go through tremendous stress afterward.

Will you commit? Marriage as God designed it requires a lifetime commitment. So you and the person you’re considering marrying should face your fears about that and discuss issues such as how you plan to handle disagreements and crises that may come up in your future marriage, such as illness and job loss. Determine whether or not both of you are willing to trade the lives you have now for a new life together, and whether or not you’re willing to eliminate the option of divorce and keep turning to God for the strength to keep working on your marriage.

Are you compatible? Realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is a good match for you. Honestly evaluate which personality traits and personal habits you can live with for many decades in a future marriage, and which will drive your marriage apart. Let go of any person who isn’t truly compatible with you to save you both years of heartache.

Have you communicated your expectations? Discuss each of your expectations about married life, such as where you’d live, where you’d go to church, when you’d start trying to have children and how many children you want, and what types of careers and work hours you each hope to have. Since surprising each other after you’re married will cause lots of stress, it’s much better to talk about your expectations beforehand and see if you can reach agreements before committing to married life together.

Are you ready to marry an entire family? Get to know each other’s family backgrounds well, since each of you will carry over the attitudes and behaviors that you learned growing up into the new family that you create together. Pursue healing for issues that concern either of you (such as anger management problems or addictions) and end the dating relationship if you discover character problems (such as a lack of integrity) that the person you’re considering marrying isn’t willing to address.

Are you willing to submit? Each of you must be willing to submit to Jesus in obedience in your life together, to express honor and respect for Him. That means mutually following Jesus’ example of loving service to others. Never try to control each other, but instead choose to serve each other even when doing so is difficult, just as Jesus served others when He was on Earth. Through this process in your future marriage, God will help each of you become more like Jesus.

Will you give respect? You each must also be willing to respect each other – even when you don’t think that the other deserves that respect – because God has made you both and highly values you. By choosing to respect your future spouse when he or she doesn’t deserve it, you can motivate your spouse to change and begin acting in ways that are worthy of respect.

Are you ready to love? Realize that love is an action, not just a feeling. Are you prepared to act in love toward your future spouse, even at times when you don’t like his or her behavior? Some of the ways you’ll need to show your love include listening, protecting, providing, and serving each other, no matter what.

Are you ready to “get naked”? Understand that sexual intimacy within marriage involves far more than just a physical connection; it also calls for a spiritual, emotional, and conversational connection. How do you plan to build the kind of relationship with each other that makes healthy and fulfilling sexual intimacy possible in your future marriage? Discuss that openly and honestly with each other.

Adapted from 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry,copyright 2011 by Clayton and Charie King.

"Premarital Sex is wrong" ~ Okeoghene

2012-02-22T07:00:00.000+00:00

We are back with another episode of the love chronicles series. Today our guest blogger is Okeoghene. I enjoy reading this lady's blog as I can so relate to it. She seems like a genuine person and I was totally thrilled when she agreed to feature in the love chronicles series.

I loved the candor of Okeoghene's answers and that God plays an important role in her marriage. I found it cute that her hubby chipped in on one of the answers :).

I am particularly grateful that despite being ill, Okeoghene fulfilled her promise to be a part of the series (Get well soon dear!!!). I hope y'all enjoy this interview as much as I did.

Please tell us about yourself?

My name is Okeoghene. I am a Nigerian, Catholic-Christian, sit-at-home mom /student. Onos' wife and Oke & Brume's mummy. I am an easy going lady who is trying to live my ordinary life extraordinarily well, fit of the daughter of the King.

How did you meet your spouse and how long were you together before you got married?

My husband and I worked with the same bank. I first met my husband when he was sent to my branch from the headoffice on a special assignment. He was with us for a couple of days but I didn't really talk to him then. You know the beef between headoffice staff and branch staff- with branch staff thinking they work more while headoffice peeps get to play the big boys and girls. Though I acknowledged he was cute, we had little or no contact. I was a fast track cashier at the counter then and was seriously looking for a move to a different unit. When a position opened on the Customer Service desk, I was more than happy to be moved there. In preparation, I was going to understudy the head of unit *no one sent me o and I told her I was just helping since she had so much work to do and she was the only one there*. Next, I talked the Head of Operations at the branch that I would like to move. She was reluctant to move me and was trying to buy me over with flattery that I was her best hand in my unit. I hinted to the branch manager that I would like to change my unit. He said he would think about it. I thought that meant it was a done deal. Only for me to hear that the head of Customer Service said she would prefer to work with a guy than a lady. I prayed about it that God should change her mind but most importantly that His will be done.Then a few days later, they sent a guy from headoffice and it was "him". I was sad that I didn't get to move. I didn't even see God's own big picture, my human eye was just seeing the eye candy we got in the branch. We became friends. I never thought I could date him though, cos we worked in the place. We courted for 3 years before we finally got married.

How did your hubby propose?

The bank we worked with acquired another bank and he was sent out of town to go manage a branch. The night he was supposed to leave, he came over to my house and after talking for a while, he said he was going away and he would like me to know that he would want us to take a life journey together. He found a good thing and wants to be a part of my life and would like me to a part of his life. He asked me to marry him but said it didn't matter if I had to think about it. He just wanted me to know how he felt and how far he was ready to go.

You mentioned on your blog that you eloped to do a quiet wedding before doing the "big" white wedding? Did your parents/family ever find out, how did they feel about that?

Eventually our families found out before the 'big' wedding and my mom wasn't happy. She felt betrayed that I didn't tell her and I came back to her house like nothing happened. I apologised.She got over it after a while. She later enthused that it was the reason why I wasn't as excited with the wedding plans cos in my mind I was already married.

What are some of the biggest adjustments you made transitioning from single to married life?

Big adjustments? Hmmm. At the beginning, it was difficult for me to be accountable to another person. Then coming back from work to cook required some getting used to. As our family grew definitely juggling life as a wife and mom took some work.

How has your marriage changed over the years?

I think we have both grown over the years. When we just got married, we were this carefree couple. We had night-outs and if we had a terrible week at work, we just upped into the car and checked into a hotel till Sunday. As our family grew, our priorities also changed. We had little people who were dependent on us, so we needed to be stable. I needed a husband who was supportive, caring, who put his family first and also interested in changing a diaper or 2. He also needed a supportive wife. We were able to get to that point where we can say we clicked together as a team.

What does "submission" mean to you?

source: google images

Submission to me is loving and respecting my husband despite his faults. Believing he can lead our team right and allowing him play his role as a leader with God leading us and being our beacon. Submission is also knowing what I want but making sure my husband agrees before I do it. Submission is knowing the battles to pick and going to God in prayer as always to soften hearts and situations. The bible says wives submit to your husbands as unto God. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Submission and love go hand in hand in my mind. When a couple proclaim love to one another, they are proclaiming putting the partner first.

What is the best part about being a wife?

The best part about being a wife is knowing you have a man in your corner who loves and cares about you. It is the companionship, having someone who wants and prays for your good and who you can also help to achieve his purpose. On a very light note, when I am out with friends there is no pressure to impress anyone. I can just go out and have fun.

What is the hardest part?

The hardest part of being married is finding a middle ground; Finding a balance; juggling life as a wife, mom, working, taking care of the home. All these can be overwhelming. You don't want to neglect your husband because of the kids and vice versa.

Which one do you find harder- Marriage or Parenting?

I think they both have their highs and lows but personally, parenting takes the cake for me. With marriage, you know you are dealing with an adult. You can establish how you communicate when you have disagreements or differing opinions. And if you've been with someone for a while, you know them. The skills required are ones that I learned growing up. Now parenting, is different. It is a huge responsibility. You have the fresh page on another person's life to write on. You are the potter's assistant and you have been given the opportunity to mold. You must try to do a good job. The skills required are ones that I don't even know if I have. Everyday you are learning something new and you are re-learning things you thought you knew. It is an awesome responsibility.

Is love enough for a marriage to survive? What other qualities does a marriage need to last?

Love is important in marriage but it is not the only ingredient required to make marriage last..Good communications lines, compatibility, trust, respect, friendship, sharing the same values are all required to cook the marriage soup.

PS: If we are talking about unconditional love,the kind of love proclaimed in 1Corinth 13, the kind of love that is patient, kind, not boastful, arrogant or rude. That kind of love never fails and that kind of love is enough for marriage. The only way to achieve this kind of love is to operate on God's wavelength.-----response by Mr. O

What are your thoughts on premarital sex and what effect do you think it has on a marriage?

When God creates something, it is to serve a purpose and for a reason. Sex is His idea, designed for a couple committed in marriage. My thoughts on premarital sex? Premarital sex is wrong. There is so much pressure on young men and women to have sex all in the name of love, but if you really love someone, you will be patient, put a ring on it and then enjoy all the sex you want.

13. What advice do you have for singles looking to get married?

Get to know yourself better. Travel. Invest. Be the kind of person you will like to marry

You can check out Okeoghene's blog here

God has a way of making things (even mistakes) work out for our good

2012-02-15T08:30:00.000+00:00

Today's love story is from Geebee, a male guest blogger this time around. I must confess I struggled a bit with the questions to ask Geebee as his story is um different from what I am used to (and I don't mean that in a bad way) and quite eventful! I love this guy's sincerity & openess and I am truly touched that he agreed to share his love story with us. I learnt a few things- one of which is not everyone's love story is the same, not everyone's love story is simple and direct. Also I was reminded that despite our mistakes, God still loves us and is working everything out for our good IF we turn back to him..

Oh let me stop blabbing, I present to you Geebee!

Please tell us about yourself?
I am 26 years old and I am different things to different people; a son, a husband, a father, an uncle, a competitor and a friend among other things. It all depends on where you stand. Presently, I am the Principal Consultant of a Private home tutoring outfit and an unpublished writer and a blogger. I am presently putting finishing touches to my first book. I also dabble into some business consulting; doing business proposals, business plans and general content and business writing. I am married with a four year old daughter.

How did you meet your wife?
We met in my second year in University in 2005. We actually started out as casual friends and our romantic involvement was totally unplanned. However, it did happen and almost two years into our relationship, she got pregnant. The amazing thing was the fact that we 'hit the jackpot' the very first time. We were quite young at the time and it was no easy feat preparing for our new life as parents. However, in what could only be described as a miracle, God has worked out the entire situation for our good. We got married last year. Looking back, our story feels like a fairy tale; like a script written by the Almighty God himself.

Do you think it follows that after pregnancy out of wedlock, the man and lady involved should get married?
Well, I choose to believe nothing happens in this world without the knowledge of God, including unwanted pregnancies. Even the things we consider as mistakes could sometimes be God's plan for our lives and even when they are not, He still has a way of working things out. He is the perfect fixer to every problematic situation and once he's through, what you saw as a problem would hardly look like one. In response to your question, I don't believe pregnancy out of wedlock should be a reason why the couples must get married. For one, they might not even be ordained for each other and the decision to get married could end up affecting the child's life negatively. In a situation of pregnancy out of wedlock, the couple should understand that the life of the child is not in their hands but God's hands and they should only get married if they are convinced they are meant for each other.

So what made you decide to marry your wife in this circumstance?
My parents got separated when I was nine and so I never really grew up knowing what it felt like to live happily with both parents in one home. I hardly have any fond memories of the previous years before the separation in fact. I guess the experience had an effect on me and gave me a rather twisted mindset as it concerned relationships and issues of commitment. I grew up with a fear that my children would end up like me – with separated parents – and from a rather early stage I resolved to make my marriage work no matter what. When my girlfriend got pregnant, I was devastated because I had set specific criteria for the woman I would like to marry and the physical, intellectual and emotional features I would want her to possess. Truth is my girlfriend hardly met any of such criteria as at the time she was pregnant for me. However, I resolved to make the situation work for the sake of my unborn child and in spite of how 'unlovable' she seemed at the time, I began to make myself see less of the obnoxious qualities and focused more on the pleasant qualities about her. Before long, I was in love with her in spite of her limitations. In fact, at a point, they hardly seemed to matter. I stopped searching for 'the woman of my dreams' because I believed then that I had found her, more like created her. For the first time in many years, no other woman appealed to me and our relationship grew stronger.

How do you feel about your wife now compared with when you were dating?
Dating and marriage are two entirely different things and I say this with all authority. It is possible to date a woman for ten years and not discover some things about her until you get married to her. As at the time we were dating, I was more focused on trying to get out of the relationship especially after observing that the qualities I was after in the 'woman of my dreams' were hardly present in her. She had an air of innocence and naïveté about her that I found quite irritating and at the same time, this was what constantly drew me to her. It was a most inexplicable feeling. However, now that we are married, I've come to see her in a whole new light and I dare say I have been able to create that 'woman of my dreams' in her. Of course, this did not happen overnight; in fact it took over five years of practice and it's still ongoing. I would admit however that she's not perfect (and neither am I) but if there's anything I've come to understand, it is the fact that no one is unlovable. We choose who to love regardless of any criteria or standards we set. There is really no such thing as a ready-made man or woman of your dreams. You can create that man or woman of your dreams.

What are some of the adjustments you have made from being single to being married?
Dem plenty! I'll list a few though. Truth is I have had to make so many adjustments. I have to be a good and responsible husband and father to my wife and daughter respectively and this is no easy feat, especially considering the fact that I am still relatively young. Sometimes, I come in contact with gorgeous and attractive women who assume my wedding ring is simply a fashion accessory. It is usually difficult for them to believe when I insist that I am married. When I walk with my four-year old daughter, most people assume I am her uncle or perhaps her elder brother. Sometimes, I feel a little weird among my friends, being the only married one and while they openly express their admiration for me, I miss the fun we all had together as 'single guys'. We still hang out once in a while but I now have my restrictions and there are a lot of things I would have easily done with them in the past that I can no longer do. Of course, such regretful thoughts always get instantly butted out as soon as I set eyes on my family.

What challenges have you faced along the way in your marriage?
I had always planned never to get married until I turned thirty and that I had to fast-track the clock by almost five years was a challenge on its own. It took a lot of sacrifice and compromise to arrive at that decision. Also, getting married took the focus off me alone. Instead of focusing on my life alone and making decisions that I felt okay with, I had to begin to consider three people at once and make decisions in consideration of their interests. Now, that is no small work. Besides that, there are financial challenges. I had always hoped to get married at a time I could boast of all the financial comfort I could have. I would have loved to have built my own house, owned a fleet of cars and lived a life of total luxury before marriage but God obviously planned things differently. He has definitely been faithful but I would have to admit that we are not yet where we could be and every day, we hope to get stronger and better. Then of course, every now and then, I find myself in situations where I have to resist advances from other women. I always assumed the solution to temptations from the opposite sex was marriage but I have since been proved wrong. In fact, I have had to resist more temptations from women as a married man than when I was single. My wife and I also have squabbles sometimes but we always endeavour to settle our differences amicably. Generally, it's not been a bed of roses but every day, we continue to grow.

What do you wish you had known about marriage before you got married?I wish I had known that marriage was a one-channel cable TV. Lol. Seriously now, sometimes I wish I had known that marriage would require a level of commitment that would give me less time to think of myself alone. I wish I had known how much compromises I would have to make. Of course, knowing these might not have affected my decision anyway but it would have been better to be aware of all the implications. But then, no one ever knows entirely what to expect in a marriage. It is like a career we take up with a limited amount of knowledge and most of what we eventually know is learnt 'on the job'. We learn new things every day.

What this scripture means to you "Husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church"The love of Christ for his church was symbolized by his sacrifice; his willingness to give up his life for his church. The fact that the husbands are admonished in Ephesians 5:25 to love their wives that much symbolizes the importance of sacrifice in marriage. In fact, I choose to define love as sacrifice. You know how much you love someone by how much you are willing to give up, to let go, to bear, to endure and to accept for his or her sake. Husbands should be ready to go that extra mile for their wives and perhaps put their own feelings or wishes aside every now and then for the sake of their wives' happiness. It is indeed not an easy thing to do and that is why it is a sacrifice.
If you could go back in time, would you change anything?I don't believe in regrets over anything but if I were to go back in time, I would wish my parents had never separated and I had been given the opportunity to grow in a home where there was a perfect love and understanding between both parents but then if that had happened, my life would have probably taken a different course either for the better or for the worse, I choose to agree with God's proclamation in Jeremiah 1:5 where he said "Before you were born, I knew you . . ." As such, I would want to believe God is the author and director of my life's script and everything happens the way it does according to his will. He either permits some things to happen or directly causes them to happen. Thus, I don't think I would want to change anything.

In what ways do you show your wife you love her and what practical steps do you take to ensure your marriage is not boring?Now, that's a tricky one and I would not want to give away my secret recipes (especially not for free). Lol. Anyway, I'll honestly tell you that I am not overly romantic and I am hardly the guy who brings flowers home or buys chocolates and all that but once a while, I tend to spring up pleasant surprises. I like spontaneity and unpredictability so sometimes I simply write a poem for her or take her somewhere we've not been before. I could also get some stuff I know she likes. However, I do this occasionally and it works for me better that way. I feel better knowing that my wife appreciates whatever I am doing and I believe when an action becomes a routine; it becomes less appreciated and boring. We ensure our marriage is not boring by talking to each other very much. We share old stories, gossip and laugh together while in bed and talk far into the night before drifting to sleep and we chat on our smartphones whenever we are away from each other. We also make sure our love life is never boring, trying new things constantly.

What advice do you intend to pass on to your daughter as she grows up concerning dating and boys?Oh that? I have already put her suitor's application fee at one million dollars so any boy who intends to even talk to her must be ready to pay or else . . . lol. Well, I'll simply tell her to stay as close to her parents as possible. She needs to see us not just as her parents but as her friends and feel free with us enough to let us know everything that bothers her. We would tell her our story and hope she learns from it and allow it serve as her guiding principle in life. She would need to set her priorities in life right and ensure God remains the captain of her ship. Once this is in place, she would have no problems with boys and dating and she would hardly make the wrong choices in life.

What advice will you give anyone finding themselves in a similar circumstance to yours about whether to get married or not?Follow your heart. However, the fact that it worked for me this way does not mean it will work for you the same way. We all differ in temperaments and personalities. In case you find yourself in a similar circumstance, pray to God. It is important that the couple acknowledge their mistake & repent and then ask that God directs their decisions. Discuss with each other and truly know what each of you wants out of life, your goals and aspirations. Determine the possibility of marriage between both of you sometime in the future and if you see it as realistic after considering the situations, decide on a viable timeline within which you intend to achieve all your objectives, and of course keep God in the picture. On the other hand, if you realize you are not compatible enough to get marriage in the present or in the future, discuss the future of the unborn child and decide how your decision would not impact negatively on the child's life and of course, keep God in the picture as well. God has a way of making things (even mistakes) work out for our good.

What advice do you have for singles in general looking to get married?
Determine what you want out of life and set personal goals and timeline for that achievement. Identify the type of woman (or man) who you think would be the perfect partner & friend and complement you in the process of achieving your goals. Ensure your proposed partner has plans for life as well and determine how you fit into each other's lives. Keep God in the picture as well and preferably, keep off from sex. If you know you love him or her enough to want to marry her then you would be ready to make the sacrifice of waiting till marriage. That's just my opinion o! Before some people begin to throw stones at my glass windows. Lol.

I hope you were blessed by Geebee's story. I am sure he won't mind answering any questions :) Please follow Geebee's story on his blog- THE GEEBEE CHRONICLES. It is based on his true life story with some element of fiction.

The Soulsista Book Giveaway winners are.....!!!!

2012-02-14T07:00:00.000+00:00

We are excited to present the winners of the two books.

First up Marriage as God intended.
The winner is Le Dynamique Professor!!!!

1 tml
2 Good Naija Girl
3 Rebecca Stone
4 Le Dynamique Professor
5 Geebee
6 Emaleecious
7 jhazmyn
8 Tonilicious
9 Pmm2u
10 Miss Onakz
11 beulah
12 Valerie Taylor

Secrets of an irresistible woman
The winner is MissPweddyface

1 ilola
2 1 + The one
3 MissPweddyface
4 Sheeze
5 purehrtt555
6 dosh
7 Daniel M
8 EsteribyEnii

Le Dynamique Professor and MissPweddyface- congratulations!!!!!

Please email us at thesoulsistas@gmail.com with your mailing address within 48 hours . If we don't hear from you by then, the book will be passed on to someone else :)

Happy Valentine's day everyone. May the Love of God abide with us now and always.

See you all tomorrow at the next love chronicles series.. I promise you, you don't want to miss this particular love story :)

Please tell your friends about this blog and you can subscribe on the right so as not to miss any posts.

The Soulsistas giveaway is now closed!!!

2012-02-12T23:59:00.000+00:00

Thank you to everyone who participated.

The winner will be announced on Valentine's day Feb 14.

Watch out for the announcement!!

Have a great week and see you back here for the next love chronicles story on Feb 15.

Lots of sex keep our marriage alive ~ Mrs T

2012-02-08T07:45:00.000+00:00

We are thrilled to bring you today's guest blogger on the Love chronicles Series- a blogger who choses to remain anonymous. We would refer to her as "Mrs T". She shares with us about the importance of hearing from God before getting married, that love distance relationships can work, that marriage proposals can happen via email and that lots of sex in marriage can spice up a dry marriage. Very important ;o) Thank you, Mrs T for sharing your love life with us.

1. Please tell us about yourself ?

I'm a 33yr old wife of 5 and a half years and mother of a 4-year old girl. I work full time as an IT consultant. I am a Christian who has only recently (in the last 2 years) discovered who I am in Christ Jesus. This means I am confident about who and whose I am. I enjoy life and I am grateful for all God has given me.

2. How did you meet your husband and how long have you been together before you got married?

I met my husband when we were both interns (IT students). We were are different universities so we basically kept in touch via Email. We met in 1998, became engaged in 2002 and got married in 2006.

3. How did your hubby propose?

We were basically a long-distance couple so it was via the same media we had used to communicate. Email!

4. How did you know he was the right person for you?

He had become a good friend but when he asked to become a serious friend, I knew I was not going ahead with a relationship if I was not sure he was the one God had for me. I was one of those girls whose mums had told to start praying for their future husbands from primary school but I did not do any praying until he was in the picture. I told God (and I meant it) I wouldn't go ahead if He didn't want me to and it was one of those occasions I was sure I heard from God.After the first time, each time I went back to pray I had so much peace about the decision, I knew I was on the right track.

Many other 'fleece' moments happened after I said yes that I knew that I knew that I knew :)

5. Did you have your doubts about marrying him? If so, how did you deal with them?

Emmm. Yes. I guess the same as I would have had about anyone else. I had not 'been with' anyone else so I really did not know what to expect in terms of being a wife and having a husband. Just the same general thoughts of not knowing exactly what to expect in marriage in specific terms

6. Has your relationship with your spouse changed from dating/courtship days? If so in what ways?

Yes - even though we had to have a long distance marriage for about half the time we've been married, adjusting when we are together is hard (getting easier with each return). At first, we had gotten to know each other via Email so somehow not getting daily Emails seemed odd.

7. Is marriage hard work?

Yes it is! Learning to love the other person, the way he expects to be loved is hard! Its a tough school but one I've realised takes humility to conquer. I've also learnt that I don't know everything :) Also no matter how similar you thought you were, each person has different world views brought about by different circumstances and tends to see the same thing very differently.

8. How have you dealt with challenges in your marriage?

Talking! We've learnt and are learning to be open with one another but when we have issues (we've had several) just spending time with each other and talking like friends gets us back on the same wavelength. Usually we are both saying the same thing (about the issue) but just seeing it from different perspectives.

I am usually one for speaking immediately while my husband waits until we have a pile of issues to discuss so each of us has had to adjust. For me, I have learnt to file them (not with bitterness) but with the knowledge that this is an issue that needs to be discussed and dealt with later. For my husband, its been that if I cannot wait, then its important to me.

9. How do you handle finances?

This is a difficult question for me because the situation about our finances have changed a couple of times. I mean that at some point or the other, one person has earned more than the other (significantly), one person has been out of work, etc so I guess we are learning how to handle this each time there's a change.

I think one key is viewing finances as a blessing from God for the family so its not so much mine but 'ours'. At the same time, its important that the man is seen to be the head and actually functions in that capacity, so its a balancing act with God's help.

10. How do you put God at the center of their relationship?

Praying together! We've been in turbulent situations and we know that if it was not for God, the outcome would have been very different...so having those times as a 'remembrance' in our relationship has been helpful.

We bless our daughter every morning and speak words of life over her.

We are not on the same page with respect to certain theological topics but definitely on the same page about the fact that Jesus is the only way to God and we attend the same church!

11. When the bible says “wives submit to your husband” what does that mean to you?

Hmmm...it means for me having to give up what I think/know to be right and let my husband have the final say. I recently read Mark and Grace Driscoll's book "Real Marriage: The truth about Sex, Friendship and life together" and though she was talking about Respect, Grace mentioned 'respecting our husbands in our thoughts first which would eventually show in our actions'.

I am applying that to my thoughts about submission. Too many times I have put up appearances of submission but I'm standing right up (stubbornly too) on the inside. Now I'm submitting first in my thoughts and I know eventually it'll show on the outside. The verse 'A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth good things' hits the nail on the head for me.

12. How do you communicate love and appreciation to your spouse?

My husband likes to be touched and respected so anything that 'tells' him that does it. I am learning not to take the little things he does for granted but appreciating him openly.

13. What steps do you and your spouse take to make the marriage feel "alive" or "new"?

Hmmmm. funny the one thing that sticks out is Sex... very very often and trying out new positions.

We both also laugh a lot (at each other and with each other), there's always something new and interesting to laugh about.

14. What key ingredients do you think is required in a marriage to succeed?

Understanding & a willingness to succeed against all odds.

15. What advice do you have for singles looking to get married?
Listen for God's choice. Its so easy to get carried away by various 'factors' but the one thing that'll keep you standing when the storms of life come is the fact that you heard God and he does not and cannot fail.

The soulsista book giveaway is still on!! Click here to enter. Ends Feb 12.

"Marriage is a beautiful thing"- Gbemi Adekoya

2012-02-01T10:06:00.000+00:00

As promised, today we start off the Love Chronicles series!!! Writefreak and I are so excited!!! :)

We are honoured to have Gbemi who blogs at http://gbemisoke.blogspot.com/ kick off the series.

I was very delighted when she agreed to let us into her love life with her man. I smiled as I read her story as I could see a lot of similarities between myself and her. I hope you enjoy her story as I have and I am sure she'll be willing to answer any questions you have for her.

Here goes!

Please tell us about yourself ?

Gbemi Adekoya. Christian, Wife of a great guy called Debola, Mom of Nathan Ademide, Alexis Ademidun & David Ademidara, Sister, Tailor, Friend, Work-in-progress.

I like to think that I'm an easygoing girl. I love to laugh and I'm grateful for God's blessings, especially the ones that money cannot buy.

How did you meet your husband and how long have you been together before you got married?

Long story *chuckles*

First time I ever saw him, we sat next to each other at the crossover service in December 2002. Subsequently, we would run into each other in church and that was it until my boyfriend at the time gave me a book, "Date...or Soul Mate? How To Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing In Two Dates Or Less". It's written by Neil Clark Warren, the founder of the dating site eHarmony.com.

I took the Personality Profile test on eHarmony and they started to send me compatible matches based on my results. At that stage, eHarmony would only send you the Name, Occupation and Location of your matches as well as let you view their profile. To contact them, you need to become a paying member and being the scrimper that I am, that was never going to happen, besides, I was already in a relationship, so that was it.

One of the matches stood out though. Debola, Architect, Lagos. From his profile, I knew that he went to my church, because he had mentioned our pastor, Sam Adeyemi in one of his answers. It didn't occur to me that it was the cute guy I sat beside and kept running into at church, until one Sunday when I stopped to say hello to him while he was talking to a mutual friend and I heard words like Auto Cad, Drawings, 3D being thrown around… My brother is an architect, so I was familiar with the terms. It was then I thought "Wait, could this be the Debola, Architect, Lagos from eHarmony?" I asked him if he was an architect and he said yes. "Did you sign up to eHarmony?" I asked, he said yes. I was like "Oh, really?!" and moved on, thinking to myself "What are the odds?!"

He caught up with me later and wanted to know why I was asking about eHarmony. Not wanting him to get any ideas, I said "nothing, I was just curious". But he knew something was up and wouldn't let up, so I told him we were matched on eHarmony, explaining how I figured it out. Then he wondered why he hadn't seen my profile and I said he wouldn't have known it was me because I used a moniker. I quickly pointed out that I wasn't on eHarmony to find a partner, as I was already in a relationship, which was why I wasn't keen on telling him we were matched. He happened to be in a relationship too, so that took away any pressure and we became friends.

Fast forward to the following year, both our relationships hadn't quite worked out and we were single. We ran into each other again at Daystar Leadership Academy, a month long course at church and we got to spend a lot of time together. He asked me out in the summer of 04 and we got married in November 2006

How did your hubby propose?

Nothing fancy, no bells and whistles.

He was over at mine one day and he started to talk about the future, what his plans were and how he was convinced he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I sort of knew where he was going to, but I wasn't ready yet, so instead of a Yes or No, I asked for some time to figure it out and when I was ready, I called him up and asked if his offer was still good. We got together, had a long talk and I knew for sure at that point that he was the one :o)

How did you know he was the right person for you?

Hmmm… Several things.

I had a shopping list. Two lists actually. I made them after I read the "Date or Soulmate book." One for "Must Haves", the other for "Cant Stands". He was 4 out of 5 on one and 5 out of 5 of the other. We were friends. We could talk about everything and nothing for hours on end. I had also sought (and got) clearance from God about him. I was attracted to him, my dad liked him, we shared common values, and we were good together. We almost didn't get married when we had challenges with family consent. Going through that made us so much more determined to be together, because we realized that what we had was special and worth fighting for.

5. Is marriage what you expected it to be?

Yes and No

I expect(ed) marriage to be work. I believe that you get out of it what you put into it, so I got married with the mindset that I need(ed) to work hard at building a strong marriage. With life being so short and unpredictable, having a good time ranks high on my list. Marriage for me was a chance to take a great relationship to the next level, an opportunity to make someone's life as beautiful as he made mine.

My no is because there have been things I didn't expect. I have had to learn and grow and even though our marriage hasn't been without its challenges, it has been an amazing experience.

6. What changes did you have to make in your life when you got married?

Many.

The biggest one being learning to let someone take care of me.

I had become so used to being independent and sorting myself out, that I had to consciously learn to "chill". I'm learning that being able to do things myself doesn't mean I have to. Like, I can change a flat tire, fix blown fuses, basic plumbing, you know, stuff one would normally leave to boys. I'm not very good at waiting on someone to do stuff for me. Now I have learnt that not only does my husband want to do things for me; he likes it when I ask for help. So I have changed and I am still changing, from being a "Me, me, me" person to a "We" and "Us" person.

7. Does being with one person for the rest of your life scare you?

Should it? That's just me being cheeky *chuckles*

Being with one person gives me a sense of security. Getting to the level of intimacy we have has taken a lot of work. Why would I want to put in all that work over and over again with someone else? Once I find something that works for me, I find it hard to change. I'm like that with things; I'm like that with people.

8. How do you handle finances?

Hmmm

This can be tricky, but we find ways to make it work.

I'm a hoarder, my husband isn't. This used to be a problem because all I wanted to do was save. I derive pleasure from watching my savings grow. I chilled out when the stock market crashed and I watched my investments lose value. I realized that my husband was right after all, what's the point of working so hard if you can't enjoy what you've worked for. I still hoard, but we usually manage to find a middle ground when it comes to investing.

9. How do you resolve conflicts?

Conflict is inevitable. You knew that already, didn't you? *chuckles* see how I said it like I was dropping some deep revelation…

Seriously though, we have found that resolving issues promptly as opposed to letting them build up helps us. We've also learnt to agree to disagree, respecting the other person's right to see things differently. My motto is: Different does not mean wrong.

We try to fight fair and we have rules. No name calling, attack the issue not the person, speak like you would like to be spoken to etc. When conflict is channeled properly, it can help rather than hurt our relationship. At the very least it promotes intimacy, if you factor in make-up sex ;o)

10. How do you put God at the center of their relationship?

This doesn't happen automatically. It's so easy to let life take over and before you know it, God has stopped being a priority. When we let this happen, we remind ourselves that He brought us together in the first place. He's the only one who can keep us. You know what the scriptures say about a threefold cord not being easily broken. It's a journey we are still walking and I trust God to help us get it right

11. When the bible says "wives submit to your husband" what does that mean to you?

I really don't think that submission is that big of a deal if I keep my eyes on the big picture.

While I do not agree with every decision my husband makes, letting him take the lead is not so hard when I realize that we are a team and he's the leader. We are on the same side and the ultimate goal is to build a marriage that glorifies God.

That said, I must admit that my husband has proven over time that I can trust him and by doing so has earned my respect. It also helps a great deal that he asks for my opinion and factors it into the decision making process. He makes it easy for me to follow his lead. I know that that is not everybody's experience, so let's look at that scripture a little closer.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

I'm supposed to submit to my "own" husband. First, it's personal, not subject to the opinions and interpretations of others; I'm supposed to do what he wants. Second, I'm supposed to do this "as unto the Lord" which I think means that I should obey him within the limits of what God says. Submission is not at the expense of my relationship with God.

So my interpretation of submission is "What my husband wants, within the limits of the word". Not so hard if my husband is committed to obeying God as I am. Different story if he isn't.

12. How has being a parent affected your marriage?

*sigh* Where do I begin???

I'll just say that my children are simultaneously my greatest sources of joy and stress.

Please feel free to point me to any resources that might help me do a better job. Thanks in advance.

13. What steps do you and your spouse take to make the marriage feel "alive" or "new"?

I honestly can't think of anything special, off the top of my head right now.

I believe that life is short and tomorrow is not promised, so I personally make it a point to maximize the moment and make the best of whatever life brings. I approach life, and my marriage, with this attitude and I find that it works for me.

14. What advice do you have for singles looking to get married?

Marriage is a beautiful beautiful thing. We are bombarded by examples of so many marriages gone wrong, it's easy to give up on the dream of being happily married. Marriage is God's idea and He wants us to be happy. His way is best. I know this. It's the reality that I live. My marriage is not perfect, but it is strong. If He could sort me out, in spite of all my "issues" he can sort you out too.

*******************************************************************
The soulsista book giveaway is still on!!!- Check it out here

The Soulsistas Book Giveaway!!! Now CLOSED

2012-01-27T15:10:00.000+00:00

Happy New year to all our readers (ya we know Jan is nearly ending :)).. We hope you are enjoying your new year so far.

Apart from the book series, which would resume shortly, we intend to bring you more interesting and thought provoking topics relating to Singles and Married as the Spirit leads us. Our aim is to be a blessing to someone out there with our words. If just one person is imparted and blessed by what God has to say through us then we are very happy.

For the month of February we are excited to bring to you a series themed the "Love Chronicles". We would be hosting some guest (married) bloggers, and they will share some "lovey dovey", fun and serious stuff about marriage. The posts should be up every Wednesday in February, God willing, so look out for these posts. Writefreak and I might also be sharing our stories, lets see how that goes :)

In the mean time, we are having that giveaway we promised a while back! Yay, finally. We are giving out TWO books we love.

The first one is the "Secrets of an Irresistible woman" by Michelle Mckinney Hammon.

This is why she wrote the book (as seen on Amazon)- "No matter where you want to go in life, you've got to have the right directions or you'll never reach your destination. No one going to L.A gets on a plane that's headed for Florida, or takes directions from someone who's never been there. Therefore when it comes to relationships it only makes sense to take directions from the One who mapped out the way to true love. Since sense is not as common as some would like to think, it's safe to say that God's Word, whether you acknowledge Him or not, just makes good sense. And mama made sense too, she might not have known or explained why, but she had a point. Hopefully after absorbing the principles I share in this book, you will use you head as well as your heart, along with a good dose of spiritual discernment to arrive joyfully at your love destination."

Personally I have read the book and I love it! Most of the principles she shares are common sense principles but like they say common sense isn't common which tells me sometimes we need reminding of some things we already know. The reviews on Amazon are positive as well. I will recommend this book for the single ladies.

The second book is drum rolling- ya you guessed right- "Marriage as God intended" by Selwyn Hughes. You know how much we love this book. We are using it in our current book series study and we just had to give out a copy. This is recommended for either singles or married.

So how can you get either of this book? Simply DO ALL of the BELOW

Leave us a comment below telling us what book you want
Follow us on our blog using Google Connect Friend PUBLICLY so we can identify you.
Follow us on twitter- @dsoulsistas
Tweet about this giveaway. Please copy and paste the following text to tweet- "Check out this amazing #book #giveaway on the #soulsistas blog here- http://tinyurl.com/8yhgjfx"

***Sorry we had to ditch rafflecopter for now. All those who have entered using rafflecopter will still be eligible however please check that you have done all of the above***

The giveaway is eligible to male and female, single or married 18+ in Nigeria, USA, UK/Europe and Canada. If you win either of the books and you are in Nigeria, it might take a while to get it across to you but we will definitely send it on.

This giveaway starts now and ends on Sunday, 12th Feb, midnight GMT time. Two winners will be selected randomly using random.org and announced on valentine day Tuesday, 14th Feb. All the best people!!!

N.B- A few people have asked me where Writefreak is. Thanks for asking. She is well & alive and should be back with us in full force soon.

Parental Consent in Marriage

2011-12-20T11:07:00.002+00:00

I was reading online about arranged marriages in some countries like Indian where the parents introduce a son or daugher to a potential spouse based on set criteria that they have. Most of these marriages seem to last (note this is not the same as forced marriages). This got me thinking about what impact parents have on their children having successful marriages. I believe even when you select your husband or wife to be- the blessing/approval of your parent is vital before you tie the knot. Now there are exceptions to the rule where some parents are just unreasonable for no just cause so this post isn’t dealing with such anomalies. I have found though that more often than not, godly parents who have been involved in the life of their children want what is best for them even in marriages.

From the movie: Father of the bride

There is a saying from my culture that goes, "a child may have many clothes like an adults but cannot have many rags like an adults." This means older people generally know more about life than younger people since they have gone through life and experienced life more. As a result when it comes to marriage, the criteria they have for choosing a partner might differ from what a young person considers as ideal. Parents in Nigeria (where I come from) look at things like background, the dynamics of the other family itself, status, health etc. Some even go as far as checking if there are any hereditary diseases in the other family.

From the little I have observed around me- when parents are against a union, few years down the line you beginning to hear of serious issues in that marriage sometimes resulting to separation or divorce. Please note I am not saying this happens all the time. Because we are so "in love" and on cloud 9, we cannot always see where our parents, our family or even friends are coming from when they say they have their doubts. Let your parents be a litmus test especially when you know they love you and want the best for you.

Deuteronomy 5:16 says- “Honour your father and your mother… then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." This is the first commandment with a promise and such a powerful promise it is. The average person who gets married and lives long will spend most of his/her adult life married. So having a long full married life I believe will be covered by this promise if we honour our parents' perspective. Sometimes young people believe their knowledge of their particular situation is wiser than the wisdom of their parents whom God has ordained to lead/guide them.

Personally, I think every intended couple should endeavour to have their parents’ blessings before entering into marriage. In a scenario where the parents have their doubt, find out what it is and see if it is something you can clear up with them. Be honest with them and let them get to know your man/woman better. It might just be a case of a misunderstanding, misinformation or miscommunication. If it is deeper than that and you are sure this is the man or woman for you, then go to God in prayer to change their heart. There is nothing impossible with God.

Of course there are cases of people who married their partners against their parents wish and are genuniely happy and sometimes the parents even came around. I personally would rather just have the approval (which I did...lol) before tying the knot. Remember your parents will always be in your life and will also become grandparents to your children, so ask yourself if it is really worth getting married without their blessing.

Ultimately the success of a marriage depends on both people in the marriage, however the foundation of a marriage counts in this success as well.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think having your parents blessing or approval is important before you get married? If no, I’ll like to know more as I am sure some cases are not clear cut. Some people are still waiting for parents approval for years. I genuinely sympathise with you and pray God directs such people in the way to go.

Please note that this post doesn't address complex issues that may exist in some families. I am simply just sharing my point of view.

The book series will resume in the new year. Compliments of the season!!!

Understanding Each Other- Part III of the Communication Series

2011-12-11T14:24:00.001+00:00

source: google images

Finally we address the last component of the communication process- Understanding. SH says "if every husband and wife spent as much time trying to understand their partner as they do in seeking to be understood, there would be fewer hassles and problems in marriage." When we aim to be understood and we are not, we end up feeling bitter, miserable and resentful but when we aim to understand our partner, our partner feels less defensive, opens up which in turns helps them to understand us. Understanding is putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Sometimes our partners behave in a way which causes us to be impatient or irritated with them. Our aim is first of all to try and understand why they behaved that way. According to psychologists "all behaviour is caused". Something causes us to behave the way we do in any given situation.

Sometimes our behaviour is triggered by our upbringing or something someone said, or something that occurred. Some times you find out you are upset but can't remember what triggered it. With some digging you can almost pinpoint what caused you to feel that way.

Sometimes people bring situations from past relationships into their marriage- something SH terms as transference. "This is when a person projects a problem of the past- a bad relationship, a traumatic event onto a person or a situation in the present." It could be feelings towards an abusive father or ex boyfriend now projected on a husband, or the betrayal of an ex girlfriend which causes you to get defensive in your marriage. When couples communication at level 4& 5 discussed in this post, issues like these are brought to the fore front and each person can understand where the other person is coming from.

We all have an inner child which influences and interferes with our adult lives and relationships. Learning to spot the inner child- both in yourself and your partner will help you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Our upbringing has a great impact on our lives. For example- when a wife nag her husband, he is reminded of his mother's constant correcting as a child and his inner child reacts in defence. It is paramount that we observe our partners, what they like or dislike, what triggers positive and negative reactions in them. By doing this we can aim to eradicate what triggers the negative and enhance the happy triggers. We then open up the lines of communication.

So next time your husband or wife behave in a strange manner, do some digging to try and understand why. Pray that the Lord will grant you the grace to understand them rather than to be understood. By practising the other two components- speaking and listening with understanding you are on your way to establishing effective communication which will transform your marriage.

Future reading- A post on Understanding by Favoured Girl.

You can subscribe or follow us so you don't miss a post. Till next time!

Listening Effectively- Part II of the Communication Series

2011-12-04T17:10:00.001+00:00

Today we continue discussing effective communication. Check out Part I on Talking here.

Listening is the second most important aspect of good communication. Most people will rather talk than listen. Especially when we are upset or hurt, we want to be assertive and get our feelings out there!

source: google images

James 1:19 says- Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak , slow to take offense and to get angry.

Listening means making an effort to concentrate on what a person is saying, and being as eager to listen as you are to speak. Someone once said- the reason why God made us with one mouth and two ears is because he wanted us to listen twice as much as we speak. I mean, think about it, makes sense doesn't it?

SH mentioned that communication experts have a term to describe poor listening habits- 'egospeak'. This is when you are already thinking of what you are going to say once the other person has stopped talking. Or jumping in before the other person has finished speaking. Do you see yourself having egospeak. I think most of us have it!

Good listening has to be learnt as it doesn't come naturally to us. Here are some pointers SH presenter:

Recognise the obstacles that prevent effective listening and work on practical steps to eliminating them. One major obstacle is defensiveness. Think about it, when you are defensive all you are thinking about is how to make your position on an issue known, shooting down the other person's comments and why they are wrong and why you are right. You think less of what the other person has to say.

Another obstacle is self centredness or self preoccupation. This is where ego comes in. The ego need to talk rather than to listen. You know, when you are more interested in yourself than in your partner. If we focus on developing genuine love we can become better listeners.

Another obstacle to good listening is physical or mental fatigue. When you try to discuss important issues at the wrong time, listening becomes a great burden. Observe your partner and know when they are more alert and rested before trying to discuss serious matters.

Can you think of any other obstacles to effective listening??

Learn to listen to the feelings behind a person's words and not just the words. SH says- "there is no better way of assuring a person that you are a perspective listener than when you identify the feelings that lies underneath the words." It is the quickest way of making a person feel understood and when a person feels understood, they become less defensive and more cooperative. This takes discipline and practice but often yields great results.

SH gave an exercise in the book with some statements and a list of feelings to associate with those statements.

One way to develop perspective listening is repeating to your partner precisely what you have heard them say. This gives them a chance to confirm or deny the accuracy of what you have understood them say as communication could get distorted between sender and receiver. Of course this shouldn't be done for every single conversation but for the specially important and crucial conversations. Most times we assume we know where the other person is going with a conversation which ends up not being the case. Restating what your partner says indicates a commitment to your partner's well being. You are letting him or her know that you are interested and care about how he or she feels.

Learn to listen as it can bring about a transformation in your marriage.

I have missed some parts in this section as it was more practical with scenarios but hopefully the points above will still be helpful. We will discuss "Understanding", the last important component of effective communication next time.

I found this picture online and though it seems funny the message is simple and makes plenty sense :)

source: google images.

We love receiving your comments so please leave us a line. Don't forget to subscribe or follow us so you don't miss a post.

Have a great week!

Speak the Truth In Love- Part I of the Communication Series

2011-11-27T16:21:00.000+00:00

Many of you will agree that one of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage is the inability to communicate. It is imperative that the lines of communication be open at ALL COST between a husband and wife.

SH mentioned Josh Powell's five level of communication:

Level 1: Cliche conversation. This is where a person hides behind the safety of cliches. No personal sharing is involved. Cliches such as 'how are you today?' or 'Looks like it is going to rain today'
Level 2: reporting facts about others. Here people mention what others have said to them but offer no personal views on those facts. You know, reporting facts like a newsreader
Level 3: ideas and judgements. This is where real communication begins. A person is willing to step out of the cliche screen and risk sharing his/her ideas and judgements.
Level 4: feelings and emotions. A person shares his feelings about issues. This is where effective communication starts. Couples need to interact at a level where you know what each other feels about vital issues
Level 5: openness and honesty. This is the ultimate level. All deep relationships especialy marriage must be based on honest communication if not the marriage will suffer.

The communication process in marriage (and even other aspects of life) comprises of three simple but very powerful rules: talking, listening and understanding. We would address each one separately.

Talking
SH says "talking is not just the opposite of silence. And talking for the sake of talking is not good communication either." You know, some people talk too much, some too little and some with little or no meaning. He says "talking with point and purpose is an essential ingredient of effective communication."

During courtship, couples spend hours together, sharing plans for the future, sharing ideas and what not, but after marriage communication frizzles out and the discussion is only about mundane things or home stuff or the children (level 1 and 2 above). When the children now leave the house, it becomes obvious that there is nothing to talk about.

source: google images

Couples need to "talk it out". And from a Christian perspective SH says "talk it out- in love". Eph 4:15 says- Speak the truth in love. Lets break this scripture down a bit further.

Speak...
This means "being willing and ready to talk things out rather than withdrawing in silence". This isn't just about resolving issues but being open and honest in all things. Some men can sometimes be guilty of not talking. By putting your wife's interests first and talking to her, it brings her into your world. It could also bring you both "physical and spiritual rejuvenation". So you ask how do I initiate good conversation. You could start by asking questions which help to stimulate conversation and encourage your partner to tell you how he or she feels. A few questions to ask (there are more in the book) are:

How do you think our marriage has enriched our lives?
Do you feel I accept you as you are- or do you feel pressure from me to change you?
Do you feel I fufill your sexual needs?
What is the best thing that happened to you today?

Now in asking these type of questions that involves your partner giving thought to their answer, SH advices not to force things. Allow conversation to flow naturally. He says to look at your partner when he or she speaks. Even the Yorubas say "oju l'oro wa" meaning literally "words are in the face/eyes". Don't do this when you are driving though lol! Lastly keep at it- some questions might grind to a halt where your partner doesn't know the answer or does not have an opinion on the matter. Don't let that discourage you. Pursue the matter gently.

By practicing the above, it helps to develop conversation that helps to deepen the relationship. I challenge us all to try this and see if you and your partner grow closer as a result of taking time to talk together. I certainly will be practicing these tips.

...the truth...

To have great communication between a man and wife then there must be a commitment to speak the truth in all things, you know tell it like it is. Each partner should have the right to talk about their concerns and expect a listening and understanding ear. A lot of couples hide behind a facade and do not communicate honestly.

Sometimes the fear is that in communicating truthfully you might hurt your partner's feelings. Well speaking the truth might hurt and then again it might not. The point however is that we can only develop effective communication when truth is involved. Ask yourself when you consider lying to avoid hurt or awkward situations- are you really afraid of hurting your partner or is it yourself you are worried about? Do you think telling the truth isn't worth the hassle?

source: google images

But common, there will be sometimes when lying to avoid unpleasantness will be necessary? Right? Well SH says- "lying may avoid unpleasantness for a while but in the long run it causes even more unpleasantness. It sours the soul of the one who hides the truth and remember, lies, even little ones, have a way of being discovered, and when they are found out, there is even more hurt and unpleasantness."

Hmmmmm, ok ooo

...in love
Ok so we agree above that we should speak the truth always when communicating in a marriage but it doesn't end there. Speaking the truth does not mean tearing your partner apart. Truth must be shared in love. SH says- you don't have the right to share the truth in your marriage unless you do it in love." Truth without love will rips your partner and leaves them feeling distressed and miserable. Yes, truth with love sometimes hurts as well but "like an antiseptic on a cut, it also heals."

Speaking the truth in love means a commitment to using only appropriate words. Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue. James 3:2-10 also talks about the power of words and why it is crucial to control our tongue. When you speak you create a world of beauty or of misery. Name calling, blaming, accusations and sarcasm and blurting things out without considering the feelings of your partner are unscriptural ways of sharing the truth. Focus on choosing words that carry a positive and helpful message.

Speaking the truth in love also means enhancing the right use of words with the right tone of voice. Saying the words "I love you" in a dull and monotone voice contradicts the meaning of the words. In communication process they do say that the words we use carry 7% of the message, the tone carries 38% and our body language carries 55%. That is why sometimes when chatting via messenger the wrong message is passed across- I digress. So it is key to know it is not always what you say that matters but the tone of the voice and your body language.

Speaking the truth in love means using truth as observation and not as accusation. When you accept responsibility for your own feelings about an issue and communicate that to your partner, they are less likely to be defensive. For example if you say- 'You are careless around the house', that is accusatory. However when you start with the words 'I am' or 'I feel' you are expressing the feeling with ownership. So it would be better to say 'I feel upset when the house is untidy'. This helps your partner understand that you are honest about your feelings yet not accusing them.

Wow! This communication process seems tough but I guess with practice is becomes easier. I definitely need some practicing on my speech! We will continue our discussion with listening and understanding next time. Please subscribe to our posts by email or follow us so as not to miss any updates.

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