From the Heart of Soul Sistas

The Soulsistas Book Giveaway!!!

2012-01-27T15:10:00.000Z

Happy New year to all our readers (ya we know Jan is nearly ending :)).. We hope you are enjoying your new year so far.

Apart from the book series, which would resume shortly, we intend to bring you more interesting and thought provoking topics relating to Singles and Married as the Spirit leads us. Our aim is to be a blessing to someone out there with our words. If just one person is imparted and blessed by what God has to say through us then we are very happy.

For the month of February we are excited to bring to you a series themed the "Love Chronicles". We would be hosting some guest (married) bloggers, and they will share some "lovey dovey", fun and serious stuff about marriage. The posts should be up every Wednesday in February, God willing, so look out for these posts. Writefreak and I might also be sharing our stories, lets see how that goes :)

In the mean time, we are having that giveaway we promised a while back! Yay, finally. We are giving out TWO books we love.

The first on is the "Secrets of an Irresistible woman" by Michelle Mckinney Hammon.

This is why she wrote the book (as seen on Amazon)- "No matter where you want to go in life, you've got to have the right directions or you'll never reach your destination. No one going to L.A gets on a plane that's headed for Florida, or takes directions from someone who's never been there. Therefore when it comes to relationships it only makes sense to take directions from the One who mapped out the way to true love. Since sense is not as common as some would like to think, it's safe to say that God's Word, whether you acknowledge Him or not, just makes good sense. And mama made sense too, she might not have known or explained why, but she had a point. Hopefully after absorbing the principles I share in this book, you will use you head as well as your heart, along with a good dose of spiritual discernment to arrive joyfully at your love destination."

Personally I have read the book and I love it! Most of the principles she shares are common sense principles but like they say common sense isn't common which tells me sometimes we need reminding of some things we already know. The reviews on Amazon are positive as well. I will recommend this book for the single ladies.

The second book is drum rolling- ya you guessed right- "Marriage as God intended" by Selwyn Hughes. You know how much we love this book. We are using it in our current book series study and we just had to give out a copy. This is recommended for either singles or married.

So how can you get either of this book? Simply DO ALL of the BELOW

Leave us a comment below telling us what book you want
Follow us on our blog using Google Connect Friend PUBLICLY so we can identify you.
Follow us on twitter- @dsoulsistas
Tweet about this giveaway. Please copy and paste the following text to tweet- "Check out this amazing #book #giveaway on the #soulsistas blog here- http://tinyurl.com/8yhgjfx"

***Sorry we had to ditch rafflecopter for now. All those who have entered using rafflecopter will still be eligible however please check that you have done all of the above***

The giveaway is eligible to male and female, single or married 18+ in Nigeria, USA, UK/Europe and Canada. If you win either of the books and you are in Nigeria, it might take a while to get it across to you but we will definitely send it on.

This giveaway starts now and ends on Sunday, 12th Feb, midnight GMT time. Two winners will be selected randomly using random.org and announced on valentine day Tuesday, 14th Feb. All the best people!!!

N.B- A few people have asked me where Writefreak is. Thanks for asking. She is well & alive and should be back with us in full force soon.

Parental Consent in Marriage

2011-12-20T11:07:00.002Z

I was reading online about arranged marriages in some countries like Indian where the parents introduce a son or daugher to a potential spouse based on set criteria that they have. Most of these marriages seem to last (note this is not the same as forced marriages). This got me thinking about what impact parents have on their children having successful marriages. I believe even when you select your husband or wife to be- the blessing/approval of your parent is vital before you tie the knot. Now there are exceptions to the rule where some parents are just unreasonable for no just cause so this post isn’t dealing with such anomalies. I have found though that more often than not, godly parents who have been involved in the life of their children want what is best for them even in marriages.

From the movie: Father of the bride

There is a saying from my culture that goes, "a child may have many clothes like an adults but cannot have many rags like an adults." This means older people generally know more about life than younger people since they have gone through life and experienced life more. As a result when it comes to marriage, the criteria they have for choosing a partner might differ from what a young person considers as ideal. Parents in Nigeria (where I come from) look at things like background, the dynamics of the other family itself, status, health etc. Some even go as far as checking if there are any hereditary diseases in the other family.

From the little I have observed around me- when parents are against a union, few years down the line you beginning to hear of serious issues in that marriage sometimes resulting to separation or divorce. Please note I am not saying this happens all the time. Because we are so "in love" and on cloud 9, we cannot always see where our parents, our family or even friends are coming from when they say they have their doubts. Let your parents be a litmus test especially when you know they love you and want the best for you.

Deuteronomy 5:16 says- “Honour your father and your mother… then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." This is the first commandment with a promise and such a powerful promise it is. The average person who gets married and lives long will spend most of his/her adult life married. So having a long full married life I believe will be covered by this promise if we honour our parents' perspective. Sometimes young people believe their knowledge of their particular situation is wiser than the wisdom of their parents whom God has ordained to lead/guide them.

Personally, I think every intended couple should endeavour to have their parents’ blessings before entering into marriage. In a scenario where the parents have their doubt, find out what it is and see if it is something you can clear up with them. Be honest with them and let them get to know your man/woman better. It might just be a case of a misunderstanding, misinformation or miscommunication. If it is deeper than that and you are sure this is the man or woman for you, then go to God in prayer to change their heart. There is nothing impossible with God.

Of course there are cases of people who married their partners against their parents wish and are genuniely happy and sometimes the parents even came around. I personally would rather just have the approval (which I did...lol) before tying the knot. Remember your parents will always be in your life and will also become grandparents to your children, so ask yourself if it is really worth getting married without their blessing.

Ultimately the success of a marriage depends on both people in the marriage, however the foundation of a marriage counts in this success as well.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think having your parents blessing or approval is important before you get married? If no, I’ll like to know more as I am sure some cases are not clear cut. Some people are still waiting for parents approval for years. I genuinely sympathise with you and pray God directs such people in the way to go.

Please note that this post doesn't address complex issues that may exist in some families. I am simply just sharing my point of view.

The book series will resume in the new year. Compliments of the season!!!

Understanding Each Other- Part III of the Communication Series

2011-12-11T14:24:00.001Z

source: google images

Finally we address the last component of the communication process- Understanding. SH says "if every husband and wife spent as much time trying to understand their partner as they do in seeking to be understood, there would be fewer hassles and problems in marriage." When we aim to be understood and we are not, we end up feeling bitter, miserable and resentful but when we aim to understand our partner, our partner feels less defensive, opens up which in turns helps them to understand us. Understanding is putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Sometimes our partners behave in a way which causes us to be impatient or irritated with them. Our aim is first of all to try and understand why they behaved that way. According to psychologists "all behaviour is caused". Something causes us to behave the way we do in any given situation.

Sometimes our behaviour is triggered by our upbringing or something someone said, or something that occurred. Some times you find out you are upset but can't remember what triggered it. With some digging you can almost pinpoint what caused you to feel that way.

Sometimes people bring situations from past relationships into their marriage- something SH terms as transference. "This is when a person projects a problem of the past- a bad relationship, a traumatic event onto a person or a situation in the present." It could be feelings towards an abusive father or ex boyfriend now projected on a husband, or the betrayal of an ex girlfriend which causes you to get defensive in your marriage. When couples communication at level 4& 5 discussed in this post, issues like these are brought to the fore front and each person can understand where the other person is coming from.

We all have an inner child which influences and interferes with our adult lives and relationships. Learning to spot the inner child- both in yourself and your partner will help you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Our upbringing has a great impact on our lives. For example- when a wife nag her husband, he is reminded of his mother's constant correcting as a child and his inner child reacts in defence. It is paramount that we observe our partners, what they like or dislike, what triggers positive and negative reactions in them. By doing this we can aim to eradicate what triggers the negative and enhance the happy triggers. We then open up the lines of communication.

So next time your husband or wife behave in a strange manner, do some digging to try and understand why. Pray that the Lord will grant you the grace to understand them rather than to be understood. By practising the other two components- speaking and listening with understanding you are on your way to establishing effective communication which will transform your marriage.

Future reading- A post on Understanding by Favoured Girl.

You can subscribe or follow us so you don't miss a post. Till next time!

Listening Effectively- Part II of the Communication Series

2011-12-04T17:10:00.001Z

Today we continue discussing effective communication. Check out Part I on Talking here.

Listening is the second most important aspect of good communication. Most people will rather talk than listen. Especially when we are upset or hurt, we want to be assertive and get our feelings out there!

source: google images

James 1:19 says- Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak , slow to take offense and to get angry.

Listening means making an effort to concentrate on what a person is saying, and being as eager to listen as you are to speak. Someone once said- the reason why God made us with one mouth and two ears is because he wanted us to listen twice as much as we speak. I mean, think about it, makes sense doesn't it?

SH mentioned that communication experts have a term to describe poor listening habits- 'egospeak'. This is when you are already thinking of what you are going to say once the other person has stopped talking. Or jumping in before the other person has finished speaking. Do you see yourself having egospeak. I think most of us have it!

Good listening has to be learnt as it doesn't come naturally to us. Here are some pointers SH presenter:

Recognise the obstacles that prevent effective listening and work on practical steps to eliminating them. One major obstacle is defensiveness. Think about it, when you are defensive all you are thinking about is how to make your position on an issue known, shooting down the other person's comments and why they are wrong and why you are right. You think less of what the other person has to say.

Another obstacle is self centredness or self preoccupation. This is where ego comes in. The ego need to talk rather than to listen. You know, when you are more interested in yourself than in your partner. If we focus on developing genuine love we can become better listeners.

Another obstacle to good listening is physical or mental fatigue. When you try to discuss important issues at the wrong time, listening becomes a great burden. Observe your partner and know when they are more alert and rested before trying to discuss serious matters.

Can you think of any other obstacles to effective listening??

Learn to listen to the feelings behind a person's words and not just the words. SH says- "there is no better way of assuring a person that you are a perspective listener than when you identify the feelings that lies underneath the words." It is the quickest way of making a person feel understood and when a person feels understood, they become less defensive and more cooperative. This takes discipline and practice but often yields great results.

SH gave an exercise in the book with some statements and a list of feelings to associate with those statements.

One way to develop perspective listening is repeating to your partner precisely what you have heard them say. This gives them a chance to confirm or deny the accuracy of what you have understood them say as communication could get distorted between sender and receiver. Of course this shouldn't be done for every single conversation but for the specially important and crucial conversations. Most times we assume we know where the other person is going with a conversation which ends up not being the case. Restating what your partner says indicates a commitment to your partner's well being. You are letting him or her know that you are interested and care about how he or she feels.

Learn to listen as it can bring about a transformation in your marriage.

I have missed some parts in this section as it was more practical with scenarios but hopefully the points above will still be helpful. We will discuss "Understanding", the last important component of effective communication next time.

I found this picture online and though it seems funny the message is simple and makes plenty sense :)

source: google images.

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Have a great week!

Speak the Truth In Love- Part I of the Communication Series

2011-11-27T16:21:00.000Z

Many of you will agree that one of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage is the inability to communicate. It is imperative that the lines of communication be open at ALL COST between a husband and wife.

SH mentioned Josh Powell's five level of communication:

Level 1: Cliche conversation. This is where a person hides behind the safety of cliches. No personal sharing is involved. Cliches such as 'how are you today?' or 'Looks like it is going to rain today'
Level 2: reporting facts about others. Here people mention what others have said to them but offer no personal views on those facts. You know, reporting facts like a newsreader
Level 3: ideas and judgements. This is where real communication begins. A person is willing to step out of the cliche screen and risk sharing his/her ideas and judgements.
Level 4: feelings and emotions. A person shares his feelings about issues. This is where effective communication starts. Couples need to interact at a level where you know what each other feels about vital issues
Level 5: openness and honesty. This is the ultimate level. All deep relationships especialy marriage must be based on honest communication if not the marriage will suffer.

The communication process in marriage (and even other aspects of life) comprises of three simple but very powerful rules: talking, listening and understanding. We would address each one separately.

Talking
SH says "talking is not just the opposite of silence. And talking for the sake of talking is not good communication either." You know, some people talk too much, some too little and some with little or no meaning. He says "talking with point and purpose is an essential ingredient of effective communication."

During courtship, couples spend hours together, sharing plans for the future, sharing ideas and what not, but after marriage communication frizzles out and the discussion is only about mundane things or home stuff or the children (level 1 and 2 above). When the children now leave the house, it becomes obvious that there is nothing to talk about.

source: google images

Couples need to "talk it out". And from a Christian perspective SH says "talk it out- in love". Eph 4:15 says- Speak the truth in love. Lets break this scripture down a bit further.

Speak...
This means "being willing and ready to talk things out rather than withdrawing in silence". This isn't just about resolving issues but being open and honest in all things. Some men can sometimes be guilty of not talking. By putting your wife's interests first and talking to her, it brings her into your world. It could also bring you both "physical and spiritual rejuvenation". So you ask how do I initiate good conversation. You could start by asking questions which help to stimulate conversation and encourage your partner to tell you how he or she feels. A few questions to ask (there are more in the book) are:

How do you think our marriage has enriched our lives?
Do you feel I accept you as you are- or do you feel pressure from me to change you?
Do you feel I fufill your sexual needs?
What is the best thing that happened to you today?

Now in asking these type of questions that involves your partner giving thought to their answer, SH advices not to force things. Allow conversation to flow naturally. He says to look at your partner when he or she speaks. Even the Yorubas say "oju l'oro wa" meaning literally "words are in the face/eyes". Don't do this when you are driving though lol! Lastly keep at it- some questions might grind to a halt where your partner doesn't know the answer or does not have an opinion on the matter. Don't let that discourage you. Pursue the matter gently.

By practicing the above, it helps to develop conversation that helps to deepen the relationship. I challenge us all to try this and see if you and your partner grow closer as a result of taking time to talk together. I certainly will be practicing these tips.

...the truth...

To have great communication between a man and wife then there must be a commitment to speak the truth in all things, you know tell it like it is. Each partner should have the right to talk about their concerns and expect a listening and understanding ear. A lot of couples hide behind a facade and do not communicate honestly.

Sometimes the fear is that in communicating truthfully you might hurt your partner's feelings. Well speaking the truth might hurt and then again it might not. The point however is that we can only develop effective communication when truth is involved. Ask yourself when you consider lying to avoid hurt or awkward situations- are you really afraid of hurting your partner or is it yourself you are worried about? Do you think telling the truth isn't worth the hassle?

source: google images

But common, there will be sometimes when lying to avoid unpleasantness will be necessary? Right? Well SH says- "lying may avoid unpleasantness for a while but in the long run it causes even more unpleasantness. It sours the soul of the one who hides the truth and remember, lies, even little ones, have a way of being discovered, and when they are found out, there is even more hurt and unpleasantness."

Hmmmmm, ok ooo

...in love
Ok so we agree above that we should speak the truth always when communicating in a marriage but it doesn't end there. Speaking the truth does not mean tearing your partner apart. Truth must be shared in love. SH says- you don't have the right to share the truth in your marriage unless you do it in love." Truth without love will rips your partner and leaves them feeling distressed and miserable. Yes, truth with love sometimes hurts as well but "like an antiseptic on a cut, it also heals."

Speaking the truth in love means a commitment to using only appropriate words. Proverbs 18:21 says Death and life are in the power of the tongue. James 3:2-10 also talks about the power of words and why it is crucial to control our tongue. When you speak you create a world of beauty or of misery. Name calling, blaming, accusations and sarcasm and blurting things out without considering the feelings of your partner are unscriptural ways of sharing the truth. Focus on choosing words that carry a positive and helpful message.

Speaking the truth in love also means enhancing the right use of words with the right tone of voice. Saying the words "I love you" in a dull and monotone voice contradicts the meaning of the words. In communication process they do say that the words we use carry 7% of the message, the tone carries 38% and our body language carries 55%. That is why sometimes when chatting via messenger the wrong message is passed across- I digress. So it is key to know it is not always what you say that matters but the tone of the voice and your body language.

Speaking the truth in love means using truth as observation and not as accusation. When you accept responsibility for your own feelings about an issue and communicate that to your partner, they are less likely to be defensive. For example if you say- 'You are careless around the house', that is accusatory. However when you start with the words 'I am' or 'I feel' you are expressing the feeling with ownership. So it would be better to say 'I feel upset when the house is untidy'. This helps your partner understand that you are honest about your feelings yet not accusing them.

Wow! This communication process seems tough but I guess with practice is becomes easier. I definitely need some practicing on my speech! We will continue our discussion with listening and understanding next time. Please subscribe to our posts by email or follow us so as not to miss any updates.

By the way we will be doing a giveaway soon so watch this space :)

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The Role of A Wife

2011-11-20T17:39:00.001Z

Last weekend, we started the topic "Who is in Charge?" and discussed the role of the husband in a marriage. From the comments we received here and on twitter it was clear that God is in charge however, the man has been commanded to be the head and loving leader in a marriage. Today we look at the role of the wife.

"The major function of a woman in marriage is that of submission to her husband's leadership". Hmm that word submission for a lot of people has a negative connotation. I certainly didn't like that word a lot before I got married. Submit? Whyyy? Writefreak blogged about this a while back as a lot of women see submission as a form of slavery. You can check the post here. The comments were really interesting.

Ephesians 5:22-24 New International Version (NIV) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Image from google images

Some women say well my husband can be the head while I am the neck and I can turn him whichever way I want. lol, That seems funny but in reality that is how a number of women have decided to resolve this submission matter. Our attitude towards submission shouldn't be one of fear but it is "to be enjoyed, and when rightly understood and practised, it helps a woman experience the security she needs."

So the multimillion dollar question is what exactly is submission?

SH says "submission is really an attitude or a frame of mind. It recognises that just as Christ was subject to God, and that the church is subject to Christ, so a woman ought to be subject to her husband. By this attitude she is saying 'I believe God has arranged the structure of marriage in harmony with the highest principles of the universe. And one of those principles is submission to a higher authority. God has placed my husband above me, not to be superior to me, but to be my spiritual covering and protection. God will protect me from harm through him and as I recognise this principle and live happily and contentedly beneath it, I shall be relieved of a great deal of the stresses and strains of life because Gd has arranged and equipped my husband to carry them.'"

So how then do I submit to my husband?

It is one thing to believe the scripture above but how can a wife practice this in her every day life. Women, are you ready for some hard truths? I won't lie, I sobered up after reading this part.

Transfer to your husband the responsibility of making the final decisions. Yes husbands and wives should look at issues together, wives should express their opinions, however the wife should leave the final say to her husband. If you feel he is making the wrong decision, tell him presenting facts not based on emotions. If he disagrees, still allow him the privilege to implement his decision. Do not nag, and if you feel it is a matter of life and death take it to God in prayer and leave it at that. On another note, what if your husband is about to make a decision and has not asked your opinion about it. SH says "give it anyway but in the spirit of proverbs 31:26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Ask yourself how will my words affect my husband- will it make him feel inferior or jeopardise his role as the leader?" Aim to speak with kindness.
Respect your husband. "A man thrives in his role as a spiritual leader when he is assured of the respect of his wife. The power of respect helps you turn your man into the man you and God want him to be. 1 Peter 3:1-2 says- Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives,when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. By a wife's behaviour towards her non Christian husband she could even win him over to Christ. Notice him, regard him, honour him, praise him, love and admire him. "Nothing will be too big for your husband to achieve if he has your support, admiration and respect."
Be wise in the way you handle money. A number of men expect their wives to be able to manage the finances of the home especially when she has shown wisdom in that area. Emulate the Proverbs 31 wife, she was a very good investor and business woman. On another side, when cash flow is tight in the home, a wife's attitude towards the problem can either make or break the man. Men are designed to provide for their families and may feel like failures when they are not performing in this area. This is where the wife needs to show her full support in her attitude and action. Scolding, nagging or pouting might only push him over the edge into physical or emotional illness. Learn to put your confidence in God to assist with your family's finances and put your trust in him rather than material things. Learn to be content whether there is plenty or little and also adjust accordingly.
Ask God to show you areas where you have assumed leadership in your home and begin to transition the responsibility of leadership gradually to your husband. For example you can tell your children to go ask Daddy whenever they seek a major decision. Get him involved in looking at schools you have lined up for the children to attend, holiday plans etc (these are just some examples). Be a good follower and tell him how much you enjoy him taking charge of things (you have to mean it, if not it would surely sound condescending). It may be difficult initially but as you ease yourself out of the leadership role, remember to compliment him along the way and in no time he will enjoy being the head of the home.
Determine to obey God's word irrespective of how you feel, or whether it is convenient for you or not. If this is an area you are struggling with confess it to God and ask him to help you. SH says "if a woman finds it difficult to submit to her husband the problem is much deeper than that- she finds it difficult to submit to the Lord." It probably means you have issues trusting in God. You might feel if you don't stand up for yourself, and be assertive your husband might walk all over you and things won't work out the way they ought. If God commanded wives to obey their husbands then we have to accept it just like we accept the commandment of "do not steal" irrespective of how we feel. God knew what he was saying when he told wives to submit to their husbands. He has your best interest and that of your husband's in mind. He wants you to feel secure and relaxed. But you ask how can I feel secure and relaxed when I doubt my husband's ability to lead. I can probably do a better job. Well first of all, should I remind you, you chose this man as your husband and in choosing him you chose to submit to his leadership, secondly this is where your trust in God comes in. Do your part in obedience and let God deal with your husband directly without your interference. He has the power to change your husband (trust me you can't) when you stay in the place where God wants you to be. So SH says wives "let go, relax! You can enjoy the freedom of knowing that as you submit yourself to your husband and pray for him, God is in final control. He will not allow any harm come to you".

In conclusion- "Your joy doesn't depend on circumstances- or whether your husband sees the importance of being a loving leader- it depends on your fellowship and obedience to God. "

A note to singles from me- which Writefreak also mentioned in her post. You are called to be submissive to YOUR husband, not any or every man. Also choose the man wisely and prayerfully as there is no "if" in that commandment i.e respect if he is nice, respect if he provides. Nothing like that o. You'll have to submit regardless.

Remember this topic is from a Christian perspective, society may say something different, you know equality and all. But we have already established both husband and wives are EQUAL however they have DIFFERENT roles to play. The way I see it, it is an order thing, even at work we submit to our bosses. The diagram below sums it all up for me.

Image from http://forgivenlife.com/

So people/wives, do you now see submission in a different light knowing it isn't about what your husband is doing but about your obedience and trust in God? What are your thoughts on this topic. I look forward to your comments.

Next week we shall discuss Communication. Remember you can subscribe by email or by following us so you don't miss a post.

God bless.

Who is in Charge?

2011-11-12T17:01:00.001Z

This topic is a very interesting one and could be seen as controversial but I enjoyed reading and learning from it. Remember we are using the book- Marriage as God intended as a study guide and the book is based on biblical principles. As a result this topic is being addressed from a Christian viewpoint. You can take this as a disclaimer if you wish. ;). Please note this topic isn't only for the Married but also for the Singles. Better to know all about these things before signing the dotted line.

Some marriages today are in trouble because there are two people trying to be leaders. Billy Graham's wife Ruth said in an interview once "if there are two leaders in a marriage then one of them is unnecessary". According to SH "roles determine relationships". He said "show me a marriage in which the roles are clearly defined, clearly understood and acted upon, and I will show you a marriage where relationships blossom like a beautiful flower." Someone might say "what roles?" We are leaving in a society where these distinct roles have become blurred. The feminist movement believe that apart from the ability to bear children there are no differences between men and women. However this according to the bible is not true. Paul was able to break the roles down in the book of Ephesians 5. Verse 23, 25 say that the husband is the head of the wife and must love his wife as Christ loves the church. While verse 24 say the wife is to submit herself to her husband in the same way that the church is subject to Christ. Lets us break these two roles down a bit further.

Husband- a loving leader

It is clear from the Bible that the husband has been given the responsibility to be the leader in a marriage but this leadership has been qualified with the word LOVING. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Now that is some deep stuff right there. When a man starts to go around announcing in the house that he is the leader and barking orders about then he has missed the point. According to SH, that's not leadership- that's dictatorship.

Image from google images

So we ask ourselves- How does Christ love the Church? "He is quite firm but gentle, insistent but not strident, unwavering yet compassionate." This is the model every Christian Husband is called to follow. Every man who feels inadequate and unable to love his wife in the way God demands- as Christ loves the church- should ask God for divine help and submit to God's leadership. This would seem totally unnatural and something the male ego shrinks from but when a man submits to God, relies on the Holy spirit's resources to love his wife, he creates an atmosphere which makes it easy for his wife to submit to him. A woman has great security in a marriage knowing her husband is fully committed to God. SH says this of a husband- "Let him assume he is the head because he is in some way superior and his wife will feel greatly threatened. Let him see it as a God-given role, an assigned responsibility, and the whole atmosphere of his marriage will change." This is a side note from me- this is why it is VERY paramount for a Christian Sister to marry a child of God, someone who is submitted to the leadership of God.

Another common question people ask is- "if a husband is appointed by God to be the leader in marriage, does this mean he is to be regarded as a superior partner?" SH says no (I raise my hand in agreement). Both husband and wife are EQUAL in God's eyes. However equality does not mean that we have the same functions. We are equal spiritually but different functionally. Even the way we have been designed and created attest to this fact. This functional difference has been established by God and any attempt to change this will result in friction in marriage.

How should a man love his wife?
God made this demand of a husband to love his wife because the wife's greatest need is to be loved. That is how God made women. A woman needs constant love and attention if she is to flourish as a woman. Apparently men are not affected by the lack of love to the same degree that a woman is. A man can throw himself into his work and find fulfilment there but with a woman she is "shaken to the depths of her personality and will suffer as no man can comprehend." Hmm, such deep words. People I want to know your thoughts on this in the comments section.

So back to the question, how should a man love his wife-

Express his love to her- Yes, women love to hear the "I love you" or "You are beautiful" yadayada but when it is not backed up with actions, whats the point? It is actually the small thoughtful acts that go a long way. I remember at the last couple's retreat held in my church, almost every woman mentioned "small thoughtful acts" when our pastor asked what would you want your husband to do better. So things like, the unexpected calls just to ask how her day is going, helping with housework (somebody shout halleluyah!), helping with the children's baths and night routine, a leg rub or massage, running her a bath, speaking tender words to her, the inexpensive surprise gifts etc. It is usually the small unexpected acts that are more appreciated than gifts given on birthdays or anniversaries (husbands, we are not saying you should stop the birthday or anniversary gifts o)
Sacrifice for her- SH says " in every instance of genuine love there is an element of sacrifice". You know going the extra mile or doing something you wouldn't ordinarily do or doing something you find inconvenient. Sacrificing means dying to self. In the book, it mentions that "when an argument flares up in a marriage it is the husband's place, first to humble himself and ask for forgiveness for whatever was wrong in his behaviour (did I hear a man in the house say "I beg your pardon?"). This is death to ego". It might be the wife who was at fault but the man's call is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Therefore the man should forgo his pleasure and act sacrificially. As the husband is drawn to Christ by reason of Christ's sacrifice for him, so will the wife be drawn to her husband by reason of his sacrifice on her behalf. (Another deep rev, here- so looking forward to the comments)
Hold her in High esteem- "it is a psychological fact that if you place a high value on a person and make that person aware of your expectations for them, they tend to become like the person you see them to be. This is especially true with women". A husband has the power to bring out the best in his wife or demean her. By holding her in high esteem, putting her first in your life (after God) gives her that boost to want to be better wife/person. Most women are lured into women's liberation movement because they have not been treating properly by their husbands. A high number of these women would not go this route if their husbands honoured them in a way a woman deserves to be honoured.
Make allowance for her deficiencies and mistakes- Women, like men are humans and will sometimes make mistake. SH says- "A man who expects an angel for a wife is being decidedly unrealistic." Some men are very critical and harsh when their wives fail or make a mistake. Even if she does 99 things right but gets 1 wrong, all hell breaks loose. One reason men find it difficult to be accommodating is due to lack of humility. "A man who knows true humility will realise that he himself is imperfect and this knowledge will temper his judgement when dealing which his wife's failures and mistakes". Another reason is due to misplaced perspective- continually focusing on the negative things in their wives whilst overlooking the positives. This is where the 80-20 rule fits in perfectly. When you focus on the 80% positive qualities in your wife instead of the 20% negative qualities, your attitude and feelings towards her will change. Phil 4:8 is a good scripture to back this up- when we focus on positive things, we come out with positive feelings and when we focus on negative things, we come out with negative feelings. When it appears that a woman is continually making mistakes then it is the husband's responsibility to teach her how to overcome them. If this is done with kindness and freedom from sarcasm, a woman will most likely respond favorably.
Listen to her- Men and women view things differently. Men generally appreciate the wider perspective of an issue while women appreciate the smaller and detailed perspective (an exception to this rule definitely exists). A husband should always consider his wife's point of view before making a decision. A man should listen to his wife sensitively, "recognising that she may provide him with the other half of wisdom that God had in mind for him in his decision making." "Decisions that involve a man and wife should constitute an amalgamation of both perspectives in order to come to the wisest of decisions."

So in summary- a man should have his hands full trying to determine whether or not he is truly loving his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it and not busy analysing if his wife is being submissive to him. This cannot be done in your natural strength but by asking for God's help.

I was hoping to discuss the role of the wife in this post but I can see the above is already LONG so I'll do that in the next post. I can imagine a lot of women/wives nodding their heads whilst reading this post, saying "yes tell the husbands!, well next week it will be the men/husbands turn to nod..lol).
Please let us know your thoughts on the role of the man in a marriage, how a man can show his wife love and your thoughts on the above.

Also you can receive our posts in your inbox by subscribing in the top right corner. Thanks!

See you next week by God's grace.

photo credits- google images

What’s happening to marriage?

2011-11-06T13:24:00.000Z

Today we shall begin our discussion on Selwyn Hughes (SH) book- “Marriage as God intended”. This chapter addresses why marriages break up. Please note that throughout the book discussion over the next couple of weeks we would be picking key points from the chapters whilst adding in our own thoughts and not rewriting the whole book so I’ll highly recommended like I did last time that you get the book.

Let’s go there…. (I just had to chip that in...lol)

Ok so I won’t go into all the scary statistics but it is not news today that a lot of marriages are in trouble. We have all heard about Kim K's 72 days of marriage resulting in divorce. What a shame! A lot of marriages around us are breaking up and the numbers keep increasing by the day. Which worries me because it shows that marriage and family are becoming less and less important to people.

SH highlights 4 main reasons why marriages are going downhill:

Society’s increasing acceptance of temporary marriages

A long long time ago, society did not approve of unmarried couples living together or people getting divorced. This is not the case anymore. It is no longer a case of “till death do us part” but rather it is now “till divorce us do part”. A number of people enter into marriage with divorce as an “escape route” at the back of their minds you know, just in case the marriage doesn’t “work out”. SH says "there is something about holding in the mind the idea of an “escape route” that is antithetical to a deep and fulfilling relationship."

Nowadays, our society has adopted a throwaway mentality. From throwaway products to throwaway friendship which has now produced throwaway marriages.

Inadequate preparation of marriages

A number of people about to get married do not get the adequate preparation required either from their parents or church. Most people spend most of their time and resources preparing for the wedding day but cannot be bothered to prepare for the lifelong journey ahead of them.

Society, churches or even the courts should give more attention to the subject of premarital counseling before conducting wedding ceremonies. This will at least force couples to attend these sessions. SH personally would not conduct a wedding ceremony until the couple attend his premarital counseling sessions. He says apart from adequately preparing a couple for marriage, premarital counseling also helps ascertain if a couple should be getting married in the first place, or maybe postpone the wedding date till later.

If only more parents and churches will treat this matter of premarital counselling more seriously and enforce these classes. Churches and religious bodies are not meant to simply conduct weddings but to nurture marriages and reinforce family life.

3. Sex before marriage-

oh yesss…the controversial subject. This is one area where more and more single people dabble into and say “what’s the big deal?” Even professing Christians are not “carrying last” when it comes to premarital sex.

SH discovered during counseling sessions with married couples that about 30% of couples he counselled, whose marital problems didn’t have to do with finances or in law palaver or the usual factors had to do with premarital sex. These couples never dealt with the spiritual principle they had broken during their courtship days.

SH pointed out that fornication, (yes lets call it by it's name) undermines the very foundation on which a marriage must be built and unless necessary and important steps are taken to clear up the conflict which the act of fornication creates, then the marriage is wide open to problems.

The bible clearly speaks against fornication/sexual impurity. For reference you can check 1 Corinthians 6:9-20, Galatians 5:19-21, Ephesians 5:3-12.

Many couples assume that even if they were involved in premarital sex and they still get married the matter is resolved. Unfortunately once a spiritual principle has been violated it cannot just be swept under the carpet but must be dealt with by confession and repentance. This involves confessing the sin to God, asking for forgiveness and asking each other for forgiveness. SH says this may sound simple but "when done in true humility and genuine repentance it removes the seeds of disintegration that lie at the base of the marriage". This brings a new atmosphere into the marriage where trust rules.

Changing roles

One of the most destructive elements in a marriage is the failure of the partners involved to identify, determine and mutually assign areas of responsibility. Nowadays wives are taking over the fundamental roles of husbands, and vice versa. God gave husbands the power to direct the affairs of the family, be the head of the home and leader of the relationship while wives are meant to submit to that leadership. This is another highly debated topic but will be addressed in the next chapter.

Romantic love- not enough

The last cause SH identified as contributing to the downfall of marriages is the attempt to build marriage on nothing more than romantic love. Don’t get it twisted, romantic love is important in a marriage BUT romantic love by itself is not a sufficiently strong base on which to build a marriage.

Marriage requires a quality of love that can stand up to the tests and difficulties it produces. When you ask some people “so why are u getting married”, they say “oh we love each other”, “I like the way he/she makes me feel”. I say “Shuo” (in my Nigerian accent), are you for real? My friend, you are on a looong thing o!

SH says when people stand at the altar expressing their vows, there is no assurance that five years later they will feel the same kind of love they felt as they walked up (or is it down) the aisle. The love that survives the problems of marriage (trust me, there are problems in marriage) is a love that has in it a degree of commitment and not just a flush of feeling. Marriage requires hard work and unfortunately many people in today’s society are not accustomed to working through problems (this takes us back to that escape route mentality).

This type of love is called Agape love also known as unconditional love also known as God’s love. God has laid out a lot of good stuff in the bible on how to build a good and happy marriage and ours can be a happy one if we learn to practice the biblical principles that relate to it.

So what other reasons do you think result to marriages breaking up? One that readily comes to mind is not doing your due diligence before getting hitched. Checking out the person’s background and family, discovering how your "love" deals with different situation in life and also how they handle money.

Please share your thoughts on the points above and also any other reasons you can think of. Thanks!

photo credits- google images

Marriage as God intended

2011-10-30T21:40:00.000Z

During the premarital counselling session my husband and I attended about 4 years ago in church, my pastor used the book "Marriage as God intended" by Selwyn Hughes as a lesson guide. The book was full of profound words I promptly got a copy after the classes so I could refer to the book again. I dug out the book just recently to read again and I thought it would be a good idea for us to share some key points from the book over the next few weeks with our readers.

I recommend the book to singles, those about to get married and even those that are already married. It covers resolving conflict, adjusting to parents and in- laws, how not to fall into adulterous sin by remarrying, extra-marital affairs. In short it covers the factors that effect and affect a marriage.

So that it doesn't appear like I am biased or making things up, here are some reviews on the book I found online:

"This book is wonderful! I have found this the best book I have read on marriage. It addresses many important areas including communication and in-laws. It has a peace pact and a very constructive way of dealing with conflict. This is a must-have book for those who are in a relationship, engaged, or married. There is so much to be learnt from this book for both believers and non believers. I could not recommend this book more highly."

"A very practical book based on the many real examples of couples seeking marriage counselling. It helps to prepare couples, particularly Christians to get ready for their married life. For non-Christians, this book also helps both sides to understand more about different important aspects in marriage, like in-laws, roles, communication, etc and suggested practical ways to improve things or avoid big mistakes. Highly-Recommended. I was given one when doing the marriage preparation and bought one for a good friend who's getting married."

Some of you might know the late Selwyn Hughes. He is the author of "Everyday with Jesus" Devotionals. He has written such amazing and inspiring daily devotionals.

If you have a copy of the book you can read along and share your thoughts. Alternatively, you could check if your local library has a copy that you can borrow (not sure if local libraries exist in Nigeria). Or better still buy the book! I promise you the book is worth having in your library.

We haven't figured out what day of the week we would be writing the posts but it would most likely be up on the weekends for the next couple of weeks. Writefreak and I would be sharing different chapters so watch this space!

God bless

photo credits:www.amazon.co.uk

"I will wait for you"

2011-10-18T13:52:00.000+01:00

Saw this thought provoking video on chichi's blog and thought to share with y'all. Hope it blesses you.

Thots,

Dealing with a heartbreak

2011-10-06T13:16:00.000+01:00

Every one or at least most people want to be loved. We dream of meeting the one and spending our lives with them forever. We meet someone who "fits the bill", we give our all, we get vulnerable with them, we open up our hearts, we share our lives, money, (maybe) bed, and hopes with them. Everything seems great till the big bubble bursts. They leave us high and dry; Your expectation is cut short. We become heart broken. Sounds familiar? Sometimes you might even be the one that called it off but your heart still gets broken all the same.

Some heartbreak journeys are easier to manage than others, while some take a long time to recover from. Whatever the case we need to deal with it appropriately so we can move on to a better future.

Sometimes the person tells you why they are leaving, sometimes they don’t. You feel confused, left with all sorts of unanswered questions. Sadly, you might never get the answers you need but one thing any child of God must be assured of is that “everything is working out for your good”- Romans 8:28. One phrase you should learn as a single is "a broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage". Who knows maybe God was protecting you from a bad marriage.

Pretending it isn't there doesn't help, bottling it up doesn't help either. You need to acknowledge in your heart that you are hurting. Cry if you have to BUT take it to God in prayer. He ALONE can heal your broken heart.

Forgive the person, not for them but for you. You have to consciously remind yourself that you are letting go. Yes the other person hurt you bad but guess what- YOU ARE responsible for your feelings and your response to the situation. So you have to deal with it not them.

Ephesians 4:31-32 says "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”. Easier said than done, yes but by forgiving him/her you are on the right track to dealing with your heartbreak. By slandering the person you are only making matters worse. Don’t forget, our words are very powerful. By holding on to your heartbreak you are giving the situation power over your life and you would be the one to suffer from it not the person who left.

Remind yourself- "the plans God has for you is for good and not of evil."- Jeremiah 29:11. Though this door has been closed, God has a better person out there for you.

Confide in someone you trust about what you are going through, preferably the person of the same sex, to avoid any transfer of emotions. Ask them to pray with and for you. Get support, you’ll need it!

Most importantly, take a break from relationships; this is not the time to go on the rebound. A relationship with another guy/girl CANNOT fill that void, only God can. Give yourself lots and lots of time to recover from your heartbreak. You need to heal completely before you venture into any other relationship.

I learnt this truth during my single days. After my first real relationship where I experienced heart break, I did get over it with time but at the time I ignore my pain and all my other relationships suffered as a result of it. Even when I met my husband, after we dated for about three months I ran away. However when I realised this was the man for me, in the midst of other things that I had to sort out, I had to let go COMPLETELY of my heartbreak from years back so that I could move forward without been haunted by my past. I did not want this precious relationship to suffer for what had happened in the past. I thank God for delivering me from all hurts and paranoia. Today I am in a happy and fulfilled marriage.

Playing “tic tack toe” with your ex or trying to remain friends during your healing process is not the way to go. Calling each other, or still being emotionally involved with them, will only aggravate the situation. It is like putting a plaster over a cut, and u keep going back to open it to examine if it is healing. It will take longer for the cut to heal. Leave this person alone. If they are the ones coming back, maybe because they feel guilty, tell them to leave you well alone! You need your space to heal without them interfering.

Lastly I want to end with these scripture in the bible Songs of Solomon 2:7, 3:5 and 8:4 all say "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." The fact that it was repeated three times means this is some serious stuff to pay attention to. This is a charge that all singles MUST adhere to. By arousing love too early or at the wrong time we open ourselves up to unnecessary heart breaks, by sleeping with our boy/girlfriend before marriage the heartbreak could even be harder to deal with if/when the relationship crumbles. If something looks like love, give it time to test its sincerity . Take things slow and let things progress naturally. Heartbreaks can be avoided if we guard our hearts.

Please note that this post is not intended to disparage the pain associated with heartbreak or make it sound like it is breeze to deal with. Dealing with your hearbreak is not an easy thing to do, I have been there so I know but by God's grace it can be done with time especially if you want to be fulfilled in your future relationships/marriage. You might say “But Aloted, you don’t know what I have been through”. No I don’t but God does and he can heal you if you let him.

I certainly don't have all the answers and I have only touched on a few points from my experience. I would love to hear from you on practical ways to deal with a heart break in the comment section. Your comment might just be what someone out there needs to make a turn around in their lives.

If you have any questions you can also leave us a comment or email us on thesoulsistas@googlemail.com

God bless!

Pictures taken from google images

Slight Change in Direction

2011-08-26T10:23:00.000+01:00

Hello people. we hope you are doing well?

Just a quick note to give you a heads-up on the direction of this blog. Apart from focuing on just singles, we have decided to focus on relationships in general still from a Godly perspective. This means we would also have posts on marriage, parenting etc as well.

The devil is out to ruin relationships, but as children of the Most High we cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. We hope with this blog we can help people learn how to guard their relationships from any attacks and be a light to the world, so that they can learn and come to the knowledge of Chrits.

We welcome your thoughts, questions and suggestions on topics to cover. Please leave us your comments or drop us an email at thesoulsistas@googlemail.com

Thanks for all your support.

Single and Happy Part 2.

2011-08-02T13:49:00.001+01:00

Hello People!

We hope you have been keeping well? We apologise (yet again) for the infrequent blog posts.

Here's a continuation from last time's post on being single and happy. We have the pleasure of having Rita of eroinspirations share her experience with us.

Let us know your thoughts. Stay blessed

The Soulsistas

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When I was single, I could not understand how someone could be single and happy. I felt that once I had a partner, even if it was just a boyfriend, I would be happy and complete. It was not easy hearing about every other person's boyfriend, engagement and ultimately marriage. It was not easy knowing my closest friend was having her 2^nd child while I was still struggling to find Mr. Right. I know it is not easy to be single and happy.

Happiness is a condition of supreme well-being, good spirits and cheerfulness. It is also being at peace with yourself because you know you've done your best. It is accepting and rejoicing in who you are. It's experiencing joy in simply being alive. It is having your life to be a wonderful adventure, a way of living that will cause you to say with pride, joy and passion, "I've lived a good life!" Happiness was not going to come through money, shopping, fame, education or material possessions. Sadly, happiness was not going to come from anybody (there are people who are married who are not happy). No one and nothing outside of yourself can make you genuinely happy. If you want to be single and happy, you need to do something different with and about yourself. Believe it or not, people are drawn to those that are happy.

Let me share this illustration. This is a story of 2 brothers who are twins. One grows up to be an alcoholic. The other becomes an extremely successful businessman. When the alcoholic is asked why he became a drunk, her replies, "My father was a drunk". When the successful businessman is asked why he became successful, he says, "My father was a drunk". Same background, same upbringing but different choices [culled from 'Choose the Happiness Habit', by Pam Golden, page 11].

The key word here is choice. Ruth is a woman whose life exemplifies the outcome of making good choices. She had the choice of walking away from her mother-in-law, but she stayed and her story had a happy ending [Ruth 1:16-17]. Like everything in life that required choices, I learnt that happiness was a choice. And the only way to make happiness a part of me was to make it a habit. A habit is formed when you do something repeatedly. While I was waiting on God for a spouse, I realized I had to learn to be happy while single, and make it a habit. I took some steps of building the happiness habit for 90 days using the self help book "Choose The Happiness Habit by Pam Golden". (This is in no way a marketing strategy. I am only using this medium to share with you what helped me in moving from a disgruntled single lady to a happy single lady). I learnt how to be happy by myself, appreciate God, everything around me, be positive and value people.

I pray you find a way to be happy while single and realize that nothing or no one can make you really happy.

Rita

http://www.eroinspirations.com/

Single and Loving it!!!...What's the big deal...?

2010-11-03T16:55:00.001Z

So apologies for the loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong break in transmission. Can you forgive us?

We have gone to the drawing board and we intend to come out with more exciting, thought provocative articles!

Today we have a guest blogger in the house. We hope you enjoy the post as much as we do. We would love to know your thoughts in the comments section after reading. Thanks!

********************************************************************************

Okay, what’s the big deal? Do I need to have a man before I have true happiness?

Sometime last year, I listened to a radio talk show discussing whether being single and happy is a myth. I was on my way out when the show came on air, but I called in and I aired my view which is …………..

If I need a man to make me happy, then I am of all men most miserable! Yes, I totally agree that having a man is good and very wonderful but I tell you what, if there’s none in the horizon at the moment, does that mean doom and gloom for me..exactly I didn’t think so myself!. Now, don’t get me twisted, marriage is a beautiful thing (borrowing some of the words of our very own D’banj).

When I got back late at night to listen to the conclusion of the show online, I was a bit surprised to hear that some other contributors to the show had said, “saying I am single and happy is a big lie and if I really feel that way, it means I am hiding something deeper…”.

Well I am open to constructive criticism, so when I heard this I immediately did a quick soul search to check if I’m actually hiding behind a wall. The outcome is…I still say that I can be single and happy!

I don’t have it all together and I’m not saying I don’t have my down days but I made a decision ages ago not to let my happiness be dependent on anybody, no not even my mum! Otherwise I’ll be crying all day!!!

So I ask again kinni big deal?

Don’t allow yourself to be labeled because you’re single, it is not a disease…it is a time to get to know you. I hear someone say: “what if I have gotten to know all of me and there’s still no man in the horizon”…hmmm now I know this can be annoying and very frustrating, especially for those of us that have chosen to WAIT!!!

I honestly don’t have a “panadol” kind of response (what I mean is I do not have a quick formula to get you out of singledom!) But I suggest you keep doing what makes you happy and don’t stop trusting your maker…

I love me right now, and I can boldly say it…

Writer – No Limit

Recognising Red flags in a relationship

2009-09-17T22:39:00.000+01:00

The soulsistas are back!!! Apologies for the radio silence but I think we are back :)

A while back we looked at what to do while waiting for Mr Right. I mentioned on that post that we will cover some ways to recognise Mr Right and not settle for less. however, I have modified today's post slightly to show how to recognise "Mr Wrong" by identifying some red flags to look out for in a relationship.

Many women who are married today and have marital issues most likely saw some red flags before they got married. They either chose to ignore the signs, think they could change the man or believed “love” will conquer all. The period of Dating/courtship is a prelude to what will happen in marriage so expecting that a man will change for the better after marriage is like expecting a leopard to change its spots because it moved to a new zoo.

I know some people pretend to be what they are not during dating/courtship however I believe as a child of God, he will show you signs to look out for. Besides, people- Christians or not reveal their true character when under pressure.

Dating is not the time to be kissing, smooching and sexing but the time to shine your eyes and watch out for any red flags that might later on impact your marriage. When you are busy having sex, it is harder to identify the signs.

Red flags are indication that something is wrong in your relationship and either needs addressing or an evaluation of whether the relationship should continue or not. Of course no one is perfect but it is your prerogative to decide if you can commit to your partner with their flaws. Remember marriage is a commitment. If you cannot tolerate a behaviour before marriage don’t delude yourself and expect it to change after marriage. It would most likely only get worse because at this point all the chasing and wooing has been done, the contract signed hence both parties are free to be their real selves.

Red flags include lying, distrust, laziness, inability to hold a job, and irresponsibility. Others include complaining, fault-finding, whining, clinging to parents, inability to make critical decisions, and lack of self-esteem. Some of these red flags can be addressed and worked through depending on the people involved and tolerance level. However some red flags that should not be disregarded or ignored include violence, uncontrolled anger & rage, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, drinking and drug abuse, gambling, or infidelities. My candid advice is if you see any of these signs RUN. All these signs have to do with the person’s character (also the earlier stated ones) which is usually hard to change. It is possible with the help of the HolySpirit but challenging. You do not have to wait till you are the object of abuse before you know there is a problem. Observe how he treats his mum, sisters and other friends. Soon he will be treating you the same way.

The earlier you recognise the red flags, the earlier you can assess how serious they are and determine the next step to take about the relationship. Always remember that a broken relationship/engagement is far better than a broken marriage. It is wiser to call off the relationship when you can then enter marriage and regret it for the rest of your life. Marriage as a Christian is for life so shine your eyes and do your due diligence before you sign the dotted lines.

Image Source: Wikipedia Commons

Still Here...

2009-08-19T10:21:00.000+01:00

Aloted and Writefreak are still here...it's been almost 3 months since we updated, life got really busy...but we'll update soon.

We're still here, just wanted you all to know that. We never left!

Let's talk about SEX

2009-05-22T12:57:00.000+01:00

So we all know what this means and i definitely don't need to give a definition. This is one topic that is mostly talked about and also mostly 'shyed' away from. In some churches, the mere mention of the word sex makes you a sinner. Sex is a spiritual act, a connection between two souls that should not be trivialised and should be celebrated.

Sex as originally designed by God is supposed to be an act between a man and a woman, not just any man and woman but a man and woman joined together in marriage. I'm aware that this is contrary to popular belief but sex as ordained by God i reiterate is an act designed to be between to married people, a man and a woman. It's sad to see how such a holy act has been 'bastardised'.

In Genesis, God gave Eve to Adam as a help meet for him, they were naked with each other and not ashamed. Eve had become Adam's wife after God fashioned her out of him and they were naked with each other! The bible says in Genesis 2: 23-25

'And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed'.
Please note it says here a man shall cleave to his wife, not his girl friend, not his friends with benefit, not his friend, not his sister, not his fiancee, his WIFE.

The temptation to have premarital sex is so great, it takes the grace of God to say NO and be able to stand by it. I'm aware some people can do it by mere determination but for us lesser humans, we need to rely solely on the grace of God. Our minds are bombarded every hour of the day by sexual innuendos, some even very direct. Everywhere you turn, it's the sex talk. It's definitely not easy to say no. The philosophy creeping around 'if it feels good then it's right' also doesn't help matters. Lord knows sex gives a very good feeling, on the basis of that philosophy, then sex in any form is right, right? Wrong! Remember, we're making the bible our base and i just established the bible says sex is between a man and his wife or if you prefer a woman and her husband...

Now that we established that sex is between a married couple,I'm sure you're wondering so what should i do with all these temptations! For the unmarried ladies, there are so many fine brothas out there, in fact they wouldn't even date you if they found out you were celibate and for the guys, Lord knows the babes are revealing more and more cleavage these days! What's a brother to do? Well, a sister is to keep her values and a brother's to marry or keep himself. It's tough I know and like i said we need GRACE. But trust me, I've been there.

What qualifies me to write this? I'm married and all and do i even know what single people go through? Well, I was in a relationship with the Mr over 6 years before we tied the knot and although celibacy was a mutual decision since we base our lives on the word, we had our temptations and challenges. I'm glad to say we waited though, so I know I qualify to say Ring on before you let him in or if you're a guy, you both have to have given her that ring before you can ask her for sex.

I'll give some reasons why i totally support abstinence and why i think it's a good idea for anyone to wait for marriage.
1. As a Christian, you have a clear conscience towards God. God has said not to do it, what better reason not to do it. You can approach God with peace in your heart. We all know what weight it feels like when you know you shouldn't do something and you keep doing it.

2. Respect. you get to respect yourself as an individual and also the other person. You know that the other person is not only looking to get under your clothes. The fact that they respect you helps them to keep their hands off.

3. No emotional baggage: Sex is a spiritual thing. It is a fusion of two souls, a transference of spirit takes place when you have sex. Whether you have it with one guy or more, why become one with someone you're not married to? How many people are you going to be one with?

4. Trust and discipline. When you eventually marry, you're able to trust that guy or that woman more. If he can't keep his hands off you before marriage, how do you know he can keep his hands off other ladies after he's married to you? If he showed some discipline with you before marriage, he'll most likely be disciplined enough to keep his hands off other girls that tempt him after marriage. Trust me, the temptation doesn't end in marriage.

5. A clear sense of judgement. When you have sex with someone especially when you enjoy it, you have the tendency to overlook their faults no matter how major. This way you can end up marrying someone you shouldn't or wouldn't have married under clear circumstances. Sex gives you a soul tie to someone.

6. You enter marriage with realistic expectations. When you haven't had other sexual partners, it's hard to compare your partner to anyone. You get to understand how to please each other and not think like oh no, B was better in this sense.

7. You get to know the 'real' each other. Most people have bad marriages because the time they should have spent discovering each other, their likes and dislikes, they spend in bed. Spend that time outdoors instead of behind closed doors.

8. When you abstain from premarital sex, you don't have to worry about pregnancy and even sexually transmitted diseases.

I could think of a lot of other reasons but I think this captures the essence of everything.
This post is only a foundation to the Sex talks series, in my next post, I'll be talking about how to abstain from sex and also if you have any questions, you can leave them in the comment box or send a mail to our mail address and they will be tackled in the next post. If you don't want us to mention names, we won't!

Have a blessed weekend! Remember abstinence is possible!

Recommended reading: http://www.premaritalsex.info/

While Waiting for Mr Right

2009-04-14T16:30:00.000+01:00

You are single, anxiously (or not) waiting for Mr. Right to come sweep you off your feet. While you are waiting, what are you doing to get prepared? It is ironic how in life we prepare for almost everything except marriage. Before taking an exam you study hard; before doing your driving test, you have hours of practice on the road. New parents have nine months to prepare before their little bundle of joy arrives. Before singing or acting on stage you practice for days. Yet we expect that in the matter of love and marriage everything will just fall in place somehow.

Granted no one is perfect and marriage is about two imperfect people working together with a Perfect God as their foundation. Nevertheless, while waiting are you doing anything to become a better person? Esther in the bible, who won the favor of the king and became queen of Persia, had to undergo twelve months of preparation before she was presented to King Xerxes.

Are here some key questions you should consider while waiting.

Know who you are. What are your strengths and weaknesses? By knowing yourself in and out, good and bad, you can easily discern a man that can complement (note not complete) you and vice versa. You can tell what you need in a mate and what you can live without. If you are a talkative or the life of a party, you don’t need someone who will compete with you. You need someone who can caution you and let you know when you are going to far. If you are quick tempered, you need someone who is levelheaded. If you are good with planning, you can complement someone who sees the big picture only.

Another aspect of knowing yourself involves some deep soul searching. You might need a trusted friend to help you determine your best and worst qualities. Are you pushy/bossy? Are you selfish? Do you derive pleasure from helping others? Are you giving? The list goes on and on. Hone your best qualities and try to improve on the not so good ones. Pray to God for guidance.

What is your financial status. Are you a spendthrift? Or do you have savings and investment. Are you in any form of debt? If so make a plan to clear your debt today. You should not be a liability but should be an asset to your man.

Stop keeping things off like investing, buying shares, a car or a house till you meet Mr Right. I know in Nigeria and many African countries it is frowned upon but your Mr Right will not be intimidated by who you are or what you have. It might actually help you separate the wheat from the weed. Make a choice to live your life to the fullest.

Can you make informed decisions and stick by them? Do u depend on others- parents, friends, family etc to make important decisions that concern your life. If so you need to get to a point where you can make your own decisions and accept the consequences no matter what. Marriage is between one man and one woman and they need to be able to make their decisions without involving external parties.

Do you have any emotional baggage you are still carrying around? If you are still hung up on your past relationships it is very likely that you will carry the hurt or issues into your new relationship and your judgement will be clouded. To have a fulfilled future, you need to let go of any past hurts or betrayal. Forgive and let the love of God fill your heart. Be lovable.

How is your spiritual and prayer life? Is your relationship with God growing? He should be number 1 in your life. You should enjoy being in his presence. Learn how to hear him speak to you so that you can discern when you meet Mr Right.

There will be many times in your marriage that you will need to intercede on behalf of your husband and children. Learn how to communicate with God now before the days of adversity and trials come along.

Are you keeping yourself pure for your Mr Right? Are you conducting your relationship with potential guys you meet in a respectful way that will glory God? Remember your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit

Above all remember that God makes all things beautiful in his time. Just because Mr Right has not found you yet does not mean God is not working behind the scenes. He is probably getting Mr Right ready just for you! Keep trusting.

On a personal note, I always wanted to get married at the age of 24. I just felt that was an ideal age to get married but God’s plan for me was to get married much much much later than I expected. In retrospect, I am thankful my "grand" plan did not work out. Why? Because at 24, I was immature & selfish to enter into marriage. My life was just not ready to handle marriage. I needed to sort out my emotional baggage, anger issues etc before meeting Mr Right. I am glad I aligned myself to God’s timing, while getting myself ready for my man.Next time, we shall be looking at some ways to recognise Mr Right and not settle for less.

This list is not exhaustive; please feel free to share other key points with us.

Thank you.

Recommended Reading:
Blog by Rita- Preparing for your King

A love worth waiting for- http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/1999/sepoct/9w5098.html?start=1

Becoming One Flesh- When?

2009-03-18T15:03:00.000Z

Hello good people, I hope you are doing well?
Writefreak and I have a few poignant topics, based on the need we see on blogville that we will like to write about but some research is required. While we do our research, please enjoy this article I wrote a while back on my other blog. A few changes have been made.

Just My Humble Opinion! Feel free to agree or disagree :)

When the bible says that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” I believe becoming “one flesh” in all areas should ONLY happen in marriage. Many single people especially ladies in relationships are jumping the gun and already becoming one flesh with their partners. Am not talking about sex, that is a diferent topic for another day (yes we shall be talking about this very soon). I am actually talking about ladies becoming one flesh emotionally with their partners. Ladies who do not have lives of their own any more but are glued to their boyfriends or fiancés. I am saddened when I see ladies behave so carelessly.

Some ladies in the name of love abandon their girlfriends when they start a new relationship revolving their world around their men. The guy gets tired of the relationship, dumps girl and the girl is left stranded with no friends for support. Being in love is good, sweet, heavenly etc but we should not let our love become something else in the process. A good friend of mine said to me once: “In marriage 1+1 = 1 but in a relationship 1 + 1 = 3". I asked him to elaborate on this. He explained that when you are married you become one with your partner because you practically start a new life together, ideally start having sex (spiritual oneness..some deep stuff we can't go into now) but when you are single and in a relationship; the girl has "her life" (1), the guy has "his life" (2) and they “their life” (3). Meaning that both the girl and guy should have both individual and common interests. I totally agree with this analysis. This way there is a balance in the relationship. When there is no balance, one person will always feel choked in the relationship and this can be disastrous.

Some examples of "clingy" behavior:

- When most of the girls at your birthday gig are girlfriend's to your man's guy friends and not neccesarily your own friends.

- When a girl can’t go anywhere alone– parties, outing with other friends etc except Mr. boyfriend comes along. If boyfy can't come, she will find an excuse to back out of the outing

- When everything a girl talks about is remotely or directly linked to her boyfriend. She must always mention boyfriend's name in every sentence. Personally I don’t have an issue with girls talking about their men but am sure we can have a decent conversation without his name been mentioned in every sentence!

- Mr Boyfy has to endorse everything she does, wears, spends etc.

I can go on and on about examples but that is not the point. The point is ladies need to reach a point in their lives where they don’t have to rely on mr. boyfriend for everything. Ladies that are overly dependent on their men are setting themselves up for a BIG fall either now or in the future. The irony of the matter is that guys in relationship still hang out with their friends, so why can’t we ladies take a cue from guys…why do you feel that until you forsake every thing for a guy he won’t/can’t love you. That is a lie from the pit of hell. I implore you singles, in relationships, about to marry etc please note that a mature guy respects an independent woman and not one that clings. Get a life, get a hobby, get passionate about something outside of the man in your life. You need it! Even in marriage, becoming one flesh with your husband doesn’t mean not having a life of your own.

We have been called to live a purposeful life and this definitely involves more than the men in our lives.

Selah

Recipe for Love

2009-03-06T12:37:00.000Z

I was inspired by a friend sometime last year to write this post. I have added and subtracted a few things here and there. Some of you might have read it on my other blog or not but I thought it might be a good read here, so here goes:

I asked if my friend had a girlfriend and he said yes. I asked because he was making me laugh a lot, very funny guy, anyway I told him I’m sure his girlfriend has a great time with him because he'll be making her laugh a lot. And then he said it is possible he makes other people laugh and no matter how much clowning he does, if his girlfriend is not happy with him, she is not. Sadly, this is true for a lot of people, they can converse freely with other people, laugh with them but their relationships with their partners are going awry or lacking spice. How many times have relationships ended because of these reasons: "we have fallen out of love", "he doesn’t appreciate me", "she doesn’t respect me" etc. You can add some of your own ~~personal~~ phrases if you like.

I think I might know some ingredients for a loving and lasting relationship. I haven't been at this long enough i know, i only got married 2 years and 3 months ago (can you imagine, I originally wrote this when we had been married six months) but i was in a relationship that lasted 6 years and ended in marriage to my wonderful husband. There are principles which do not change over time and i'd like to share them.

Here are some tips i think are important for a wonderful and loving relationship:

* Laugh together - Laugh at yourselves, there are things that happen everyday that we can choose to laugh about. Joke about your mistakes, don't be touchy...Just look enough you will see reasons to laugh.

* Avoid criticism- You really don't have to mention everything that goes wrong, criticism kills a relationship. Find loving ways to communicate correction (note I said correction not criticism). Human beings generally do not like being corrected, the only way it's palatable is when we're sure the other person is looking out for our interest and is not proving superior.

*Pray together- An old saying goes "a family that prays together stays together", i guess that says it all.

*Give gifts- "You can give without loving, you cannot love without giving". Your gifts don't need to be expensive; the thought does it for most people especially if you're like me. The past few days, hubby has been coming home from work with things he knows I’ll like, they’re not big things but they go a long way in saying ‘I was thinking about you’.

*Spice it up- Don't be dry, find interesting things to do with each other and share some interests. Your own interest might be watching movies together, do it as often as you can, it might be swimming, just think of anything you can do together for fun. Don’t get too old for fun!

*Respect- Respect, i beg to differ is not domination!! Respect according to the dictionary in simple terms is the condition of being esteemed or honored. The other person wants to feel like you value them. Show some respect. If you're married, don't invite guests over without notifying your spouse, it shows a sign of disrespect. The first time some people hear of something going on with their partner is when their friends say it to their hearing. Show some respect for each other! Always ask yourself before doing something, will it honour or show esteem for my partner? And women, massage the guy's ego. Every man likes to feel he's in charge, i know it's hard in these days of "girl power" but hey, what's most important to you: emancipation or a loving lasting relationship?

*Be open- Don't keep secrets. Try to be each other's best friends. It might be hard initially but it will get easier as you practise this and go a long way in making a wonderful relationship.

*Be committed- Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, a euphoric feeling which you want to have forever. You catch the guy's eyes on the other side of the room and current passes all over your body...girl believe me, this only lasts so much time! The reason most people claim to have fallen out of love is they they think love is that gooey feeling. I'm not saying the feeling will not be there but sometimes you won't have it...Love is most importantly a commitment!

These are a few tips, i could go on and on but they will all revolve around these few theories i guess. Most importantly, the bible teaches us a lot about love and if you're interested you can model 1Cor 13 :4-7 in your relationship, you will never have to fall out of love if you follow the principles stated there. This portion of scriptures says:
Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Just ponder on those verses, do you think that with them you could ever go wrong in love? I sincerely doubt.

Falling in love is a wonderful thing, being in love is great and staying in love is awesome! It's like old wine, it gets better with the years.
I'm grateful i found love and i thank God for giving me a husband who teaches me to love daily. To those of you who are still looking for love, i pray you find it and if you have found it, i pray for the grace to hold on to it and be able to stay in it.

Is Submission Slavery?

2009-02-13T09:22:00.002Z

'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them'
Col 3:18,19 (NKJV)

'Submitting to one another in the fear of God, Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..'

'Ephesians 5:21-25 (NKJV)

Someone recently spoke to me about submission and hinted that we do a post on it so this post is a result of a bit of research and some head knowledge. Submission is a word that a lot of women frown at, and most people shy from or cringe when they hear it. By God's grace, it's not a word i have any problem with mainly because i understand it from the biblical point of view.

What is submission? Maybe we should start from what submission is not.

1. Submission is not a man lording it over a woman

2. Submission is not deffering to every man.

3. Submission is not demanded

4. Submission is not slavery

5. Submission is not the same as docility

There are lot many things that submission isn't but the above captures the totality of it

So what is (biblical based) submission? In my own words, i would say it is a deliberate yielding of oneself to another person. It is realising that in quietness is your strength as a woman. When you see a woman that appears to be meek, trust me

, she has the key to her husband's heart and sometimes people mistake this for the man being controlled by his wife. Submission is a wife putting herself under her husband not by compulsion but willingly.

I've heard a lot of men say women are to submit to us. I beg to differ and i usually take those men up on it. No sir, not every woman is to submit to you, only your wife is to submit to you, i don't go about deferring to every man. The bible says women should submit to their 'own husbands'. Period! And the man doesn't even have the right to demand it.

Firstly, the bible encourages that the man and woman both submit to each other. You should serve each other and defer to each other on matters and then the bible demands that the woman submit to the man. The man is the head of the woman as Christ is the head of the church. If you ask me, a man has more responsibility in the whole submission triangle. The woman submits to the man, the man submits to God and the man also has the responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved his church. How? He gave himself for it. The bible tells the man to be selfless in his love for his wife.

While a woman needs to be loved, cherished and pampered, for most men, respect is the most important thing. God knew what he was saying when he told women to submit and the men to love their wives. Submission is knowing what you want to do but waiting for your husband to agree before doing it. Submission is going to God in prayer to change your husband's heart regarding matters even when you know you're right. When a woman tries to prove her own point all the time in marriage, it brings unnecessary friction. The man's ego is wounded and he starts to fail in his command to love his wife selflessly.

You might say i'm an intelligent human being and i know what is right from wrong. Infact, most times we women by our God given intuition can tell when a move is not right or a man is going to make a mistake but it is not right to always want to prove a point and rub it in their face. Wise women would take a sensitive matter to God in prayer before attempting to discuss with their husbands. This is not because the man is stubborn or won't listen but prayer just wets the ground and allows the point to make sense to him and not to sound like questioning his authority.

Let me give an example at this point. Mrs A would like to go on a vacation at a certain time. She has everything she needs to do it, all she needs is her husband's permission. Let's say Mr A decides for some very good reasons that his wife cannot go for on the vacation at that ti

me, what should she do? Should she decide against her husband's wish to go or should she defer to him? This is my answer. A wise Mrs A will know that having a loving marriage with her husband is more important that going on a vacation. It is not a decision that will hurt her, so she can forego it. Yes, she has plans already and they are good but she has to be in agreement with her husband before she goes ahead. A wise Mrs A will go to God in prayer to touch her husband's heart. God works on people's hearts and for all you know, God might be saving Mrs A from trouble is why her husband is refusing to give her permission. We have to be able to let go of our hard headedness and let God.

If it is important to you to have a good marriage as a woman, then you have to learn the art of submission. It is quiet strength, it's knowing when to talk and when to keep quiet. It is asking for your husband's advice and blessing even when you know what you want to do.

Submission has a lot of benefits. Here are a few

1. Your husband will love you. Yes, love is a given in any successful marriage but it takes work to keep the flame of love alive. Notice God asked the wife to submit before telling the husband to love his wife, it's a chain reaction.

2. You avoid unnecessary friction in your relationship

3. Your home is filled with peace and a welcoming atmosphere

4. You get more out of your husband and your marriage.

5. You get a sense of inner peace, knowing that you and your husband are in one accord

You can say i'm still single, what does submission have to do with me? A lot. No i'm not telling you to start deferring to guys everywhere. Remember, i already established that only a wife is commanded to submit to her husband. You will one day get married and your mind has to be prepared for it. You have to plant the right seeds in yourself and know that the word submission is not a sentence to a life of absolute subjugation and not having your own voice. If you're in a 'serious' relationship, you can start to practice submission steps. NNo, don't let your fiance control your life because he doesn't even have the right to when you're married but in little matters, you can make sure you get his consent. but in little matters, you can make sure you get his consent.

Is it sometimes tough? Yes, but with God's help, we can do it and the dividends are far greater than the seeming demerits. Infact eventually, you get to a place where neither of you can make a decision without the other.

God is a God of order and He has

made the man the head of his wife for very good reasons. Imagine a situation where there are two heads of state in a country, won't it be a state of absolute confusion? May God give us the grace to understand and to do.

I hope i have women in the house who will use their quiet strength and submit...Amen!

Ps: Sorry guys, we took a bit of time to update, we've both been very busy but we will try to at least update once every week.

Note: Pls note that i do not mean your husband has the right to control you when i wrote ''No, don't let your fiance control your life because he doesn't even have the right to until you're married''...i meant to write even when you're married! So i have changed that part...apologies if that part offended anyone!

Boundaries, do we need them?

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000Z

Without preparation, failure is inevitable. If u fail to plan, you plan to fail. A wise man once said 'begin with the end in mind'.

Have you been in a relationship where you started with no definition,and then wondered 'how did we get here'? You started out 'going with the flow', things seemed pretty cool and it was easier not to make any decisions, then all of a sudden you found yourself in a position you thought you could never be.

For instance Ade is your very good friend, you feel so close. Eventually, you do what everyone has advised you to do, you hook up somehow. Yay, do I hear wedding bells ringing in your head? You start holding hands, nothing wrong in holding hands, then you graduate to putting your arms around each other which is very cool.

One day you and Ade decide to take a walk in the night, you get to a point where you stop, while talking and enjoying each other's company, the atmosphere is just right for an embrace. You proceed, then somehow, you find yourselves kissing eachother, his hand somehow ends up in your blouse, your head screams an alarm but it feels too right, can something which feels so right be wrong? There's a pang of guilt but you go ahead. In a couple of months, Ade asks you to sleep over, you can't disagree, it will give you time together, yah? Remember you haven't even decided how far you want to go. At first he sleeps on the couch but it's too uncomfortable, so you snuggle together and it's a cold night. Ade puts his arms around you, then his arms start roving your body. Again, the alarm goes off but it feels so right yet so wrong.

When you do not set boundaries, you start resenting the other person when you feel like they have overstepped their boundary. Why? Because in your head, you have the boundary, the only issue is that the other person is totally oblivious to it! Also when you violate your personal boundaries, guilt sets in and you lose a sense of peace. Do I have a witness??

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries in your relationships (applicable to both men and women):

1. Begin with the end in mind- Decide how far you want to go in your relationship. Is this a lifetime relationship or not? Ask serious questions about the result of your relationships. Get to a point where you guys have verbally declared your intentions

2. Make sure you are in agreement - Amos 3:3 says 'can two walk together except they agree?' Agree what are the limits in your relationship. Do we want to stop at holding hands? Are we going to kiss? Make sure your beliefs are similar, else you will not be able to set any boundaries.

3. Have a vision for your relationship. Where do you hope to get? What is our aim in coming together? It might help if you write it down. Remember where purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable!

4. Be accountable to someone- it helps when you have someone you talk to and can be a voice of reason or act as a check. No man thrives in isolation and when you start to go beyond boundaries, you tend to become more secretive.

5. Communicate. Be open and honest with each other. Share your thoughts. There will be times when you will might feel the boundaries are too harsh, share with your partner and let him or her know what you're feeling.

The benefits of setting boundaries are enormous. It gives a sense of knowing what you want, believe in and are willing to stand up for which ultimately will earn you your partner's respect. Start setting those boundaries. It's not too late to start.

'P.S: if you have a topic you would like us to discuss, please feel free to email us. We will do our research and then post on the said topic. Fear not, even secrets are safe with us! :)

Going with the flow...

2009-01-22T14:11:00.000Z

How many times have you heard the phase “I’ll just relax and go with the flow”. Usually a lot of us say this when we don’t want to make a crucial decision especially when it comes to living our life to the fullest, or regarding relationships. We tend to cover up making a decision with “going with the flow.”

One common example of going with the flow-

You meet a nice guy, Mr A, you like him, you think he likes you. He calls you almost everyday, does all the nice things guys do, yet he does not declare his intentions. You can’t determine exactly what is going on, but he treats you somewhat like his girlfriend. Oh, well, you tell yourself, I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
Who is in control of the whole situation- certainly not you, my sister! Your life is literally on a standstill, waiting for Mr A to call or to say or do something. You can’t do anything else, you can’t think of anything or anyone else, you ignore other "potential" etc. When things don’t turn out the way you expect, you blame Mr A for leading you on. Well, Mr A might have led you on but you won’t feel as bad if you were "running things", right?
When you go with the flow, it means you have given control to everyone else or your circumstances. You tend to be reactive and not proactive. You only make a move, when the tides & waves of life are thrown at you, instead of creating exciting opportunities for your life. As a result, your decisions are uninformed, hasty, in a panic and might end up in pain or in a disaster. Yes, some people might be lucky enough to have everything work out by just going with the flow but do you really want to take that chance?

A lot of us find it very very easy to let others take control, while we take the backseat in our lives. “My daddy/boyfriend/husband/friend will sort it out”. By giving control to others, we are implying that we can’t make any decisions for our lives hence people will definitely make the decisions for us. Daddy chooses what course to study in school, boyfriend determines we should be having sex now; husband makes all the decisions and we have no say, friends put peer pressure on us to do the opposite of what we believe in. The list goes on and on

Please stop waiting for someone else to make your life happen. There is an endless pool of possibilities for your pleasure and fulfilling your life within your reach. As a single person you are blessed to have resources to living the life you want without having to check with anyone else. This is one luxury many married people do not have.

Some simple steps to help you stop "going with the flow"-

1) Know your core values and what you stand for. It is better to know this upfront, before all sorts of temptations come your way. Need I say more?
2) Be in control of your money by planning your financials ahead of time. List out your monthly expenses and settle that before you start spending. Save. Make a plan to pay off your debts on credit cards or with the lady you bought jewlery from last week. That way you won’t be saddled with too much debt.

3) Another one on money. Seek for investment opportunities and invest. As a single woman you should have your own money that is working for you. Doing this, means when you get into a relationship or get married no man can see you as a financial liability.

4) Be committed to improving your self- emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If you enjoy self-help books, read them; exercise, read your bible, pray, get close to God.

5) Broaden your horizon by reading educative books and trying out new activities. Step out of your comfort zone. Join a cooking class, a dance class or try something you have always wanted to do.

6) “Tush up”, simply meaning start/continue looking good. Declutter! Get rid of your old clothes and upgrade your wardrobe, your hairstyle, makeup etc. You don’t need to have a man in your life to look good. Neither do you need a man to give you money to buy new clothes/accessories. Set a standard already for Mr Man to come and follow.

7) Learn to manage your time & resourcees- remember the 80/20 rule. Check here for more details

8)Reach out to others. Be a blessing to others around you. Someone needs to hear a word of encouragement from you. It is not all about you. I usually feel happy with myself when I am a source of support to someone else.
The list is endless but I have listed a few that I tried to follow when I was single and this has helped me a lot over the years.

My sisters, please do not wait for your life to happen until a man comes into it. He should meet you busy. I can bet he will respect you even more. Stop going with the flow and take action today.
In what other ways can we stop going with the flow? Please feel free to share your thoughts. Thank you.

**Photo copyright Ian Beesley

Shout out from the soul sistas

2009-01-19T13:37:00.001Z

Hi Y'all!

So we thought long and hard about this and we've decided to host a blog together! Yipee! We are two friends, aloted and writefreak who share the same core values and principles. We've walked different roads in life and we are willing to share from our heart. We aspire to be role models to other sistas especially singles. We believe we can make a difference and that someone's heart can be touched by our words.

The aim is to make this blog interactive, so please send in your questions or if you have a particular topic you want us to discuss or you want to throw open, please do not hesitate to contact us through our profile emails. We'll try and find the answers even if we don't readily have them.

Our principles are biblical based as we believe that the bible is God's manual for our lives. We are not ashamed of the gospel of Christ. To put your mind at rest, we will be real and down to earth. This is a FUN ZONE! :)

Brodas! we are certainly not leaving you out. We want to hear from you as we would like to know your thoughts on issues we discuss. Always good to have a broda's point of view.

Welcome to our world, we wish you a pleasant stay and hope you are blessed!

With Love,

Soul Sistas