with all my heart

This is a Working Home Part 3

2012-01-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

I had released my home of pre-kiddo days. Learning to love my two boys in the midst of the messy "signs of life" brought freedom as I lived in this "working home".

Even still, the constant inability to take care of all the needs overwhelmed me. The methods I had been using previously - procrastination and spontaneity - weren't cutting it. I knew I had to find help to stay afloat.

I searched for a plan. A "clean your house, cook whole food meals, have time to treasure and train your children while enjoying and serving your husband and the Lord" type of plan. I googled for advice. I found a few tidbits of wisdom...nothing like what I needed.

Dreaming ensued in the form of "if-onlys"...
~If only there was extra money to hire a babysitter sometimes so I could work without interruption.
~If only my husband didn't have to work so many hours, then he could help me.
~If only I could get better sleep and have more energy for caring for all the needs.

My heart was fertile soil for an insidious weed. It grew quickly during weeks my husband worked long or days when the kids were struggling. Internally I looked for someone, something to blame for this craziness I was living.

In early fall, I discovered a book at our library, "Large Family Logistics" by Kim Brenneman (affiliate link).

I figured a mom of a large family must have advice for this newbie mom of just two. I could hardly wait until after the boys were in bed so I could find some "answers."

I cried when I read the table of contents. "What to do when exhausted". Yep, that was me. I flipped to that chapter and what I read went beyond advice to my heart.

"Don't be resentful.

This is what God has allowed and

He will use it for His glory even if you can't see it right now."

(my paraphrase)

Resentful?

Had I been!? Was I really!?

As God revealed my heart, I saw the glaring truth. Resentment was growing.

It had been so easy to think that if only I had a different situation then I would be able to keep up on caring for our home. I knew I wanted our home to change. Changed circumstances was the only route I saw to a changed home. Now I saw I needed to change.
It started with repentance...

of resentment for my place in life - living in a messy and cluttered home.
of blaming other factors for the reason our home felt chaotic.
of being so focused on desiring my husband to help me more that I wasn't looking for ways to bless and serve him.

Repentance gave way to trust...

Trust this was the season and place He had put me in.
Trust His strength for me.
Trust He would be glorified as His love poured out through me to my family.

Trusting God gets practical fast.

I saw ways I was contributing to the mess. Procrastination! Spontaneity! Starting multiple projects! These had been ways of living for 30 years. They helped me in college but they weren't helping me now. To trust God now looked like planning, looked like simple routines, looked like constant follow-through.

It looks like dying to myself and my old habits. It looks like being poured out.

Trusting God takes work. I am thankful that in my case that means working for my home...a working home.

All for the sake of love.

(Check back soon for a list of practical tips that help in a home with two little tornadoes!)

This is a Working Home Part 2

2011-12-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

On a lazy Saturday years ago I was a care-free 5 year old, playing with toys in the family room. Looking down, I glanced at my finger and observed that my skin was cut with a large portion of skin peeling away. Horrified, I grasped it tightly, tears spurting from my eyes. "How did I get cut like this and not notice? Why was my skin peeling away and I wasn't bleeding?" I braved one more look at my finger before running to my mom. The "skin" easily pealed off of my finger. With the same ease of dried Elmer's glue. The kind of Elmer's glue that I used for a craft project earlier. Suddenly the tears ceased.

I gained something that day...

I remember another time as a youth in a destitute area of Mexico. Near a filthy dump we played games and told stories of Jesus. Dirty faced children crawled in my lap and rewarded me with their smiles. Families with meager food supplies offered us the best of their food with gracious hospitality. In the evenings they boisterously led us in songs of praise. They were loved by God and in His family. The joy He gave them permeated their world.

I came home changed...

Sometimes our perspective is off. It causes us to see the world in ways that are not reflective of Truth, the Truth who is Jesus vs. some abstract construct of truth. This off-kilter perspective has the power to affect our heart and mind and ways of relating. It can cover our eyes so that we don't even know that we are seeing and living "off". And we need Him. We need Jesus to invade our world and give us his perspective. When he does the world is suddenly righted. Not that everything becomes right, that is still to come when He makes ALL things new. Rather we see our world as he sees it.

My perspective has been changing. Jesus has intervened. I see our home differently...

I accidentally kicked a small toy helicopter across the floor. Rubbing my sore toe, my eyes caught a glimpse of the toys strewn across the area rug in our living room. Everywhere I looked or went, there were signs of two little boys. My two tornadoes grabbed whatever was near and eventually brought it to a new resting place. Exhausting.

I whispered, "Lord, How am I supposed to keep up? Everything is a mess! I wish I could keep our home a little more together..."

It was quiet for a moment. Memories of the past decade flashed into my brain.

The quiet of our sparkly clean house regularly thundered the pain of infertility.
Days I dreamt of hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in the house.
Sleepless nights, pregnant with longing to love children.

The house was clean back then. I kept up.

God whispered, "These are signs of life. The toy helicopter. The dirty clothes that never stop. The dried peas under the table. Signs. I have given you lives to love."

His words altered my perspective. The messy house was still messy. Yet now it was burgeoning with reminders that God had filled my heart and life with children. He had answered our prayers and this was our privilege, to raise these two little tornadoes to become men who love God with everything.

Another day the boys and I were gardening. I tried to harvest vegetables while managing our most dangerous garden critters, the boys (they can destroy plants in nanoseconds). Fussing over the weeds, I made mental lists for maintenance and beautification. As my list grew longer and longer I finally acknowledged there was never going to be time to accomplish the items on it.

"A working garden..." it was almost like a thought to my soul. Yet I knew the voice. It was still and quiet.

"What was that you said?"

"What if you viewed this as a working garden, not a garden for show? Like a working farm. It isn't meant to be perfectly manicured. It is meant to produce food and sustain people, sustain life."

Perspective...a working garden meant to provide food and sustain us. It wasn't without beauty, it held untamed beauty. I had been searching for contained, constrained, controlled beauty. This was better.

A working garden as a part of a working home. The laundry will never be "done". The dishes will always get dirty again. Things will be used, over and over again. Because this is a working home, not a show home for a magazine. This home is meant to sustain life!

I had a new way of viewing my home. God was stripping away my old ways of perfectionism. God was renewing my mind. But the deepest change was still to come.

to be continued in Part 3

Advent Resource for Kids

2011-12-05T10:34:00.001-08:00

Part 2 in "This is a Working Home" series is coming! Thanksgiving and all its craziness (lots of wonderful time with family, multiple teething screaming episodes in the middle of the night, unpredictable schedules & illness) meant last week was all about recovery!

So, look for Part 2 at the end of the week!

In the meantime, I wanted to share an Advent resource for those of you with kiddos. It is not too late to buy this super e-book. Thanks to my sweet friend Trisha who sent me the link to this earlier this week!

I love how Amanda wrote this book for her own kids and then shared it with us. It is thoughtful, fun, creative; including Scripture, crafts instructions and activities.

Best of all it all points to Jesus!

First Ornament we made from Truth in the Tinsel

We love it already. With two little boys I am doing a lot of the crafting part, but they are jumping in with the stories, craft symbols and extra activities. One of the best parts is that if you don't want to do 24 days there are alternate schedules. We are doing a few times a week. It is fun and causing us to think about Jesus often. Gotta love that!

Take a look and see if you want it too!

Truth In the Tinsel

affiliate link used

This is a Working Home - Part 1

2011-11-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

My mom is the best housekeeper I have ever known. She knows clean and she taught my siblings and I "clean". My dad is her perfect partner. They know how to keep a house humming, overflowing with good food, love and laughter and still incredibly clean! Tricks like, "always do the dishes at night", "complete the cycle - finish what you started" and "always keep doing something" kept my mom's house working well through the years of raising four kids and making multiple moves.

When I first married and started life "on my own" I thought it was wonderful to be a bit more laid back in home-management. I enjoyed leaving the dishes in the sink for the night. I preferred to save all my cleaning and laundry for one day a week when I could deliberately and steadily put it all back into order! I spent 9+ years of marriage without children managing our home like this. Then our wonderful children arrived within 2 years...

A few months after we brought our first son home, I finally embraced the truth: I couldn't keep the house as clean as I used to any longer. (I know - shocking truth isn't it!?) I decided to give up that goal and developed new routines and learned different systems for keeping a home. I thought things were becoming manageable again. Then our second sweet boy entered the world. Our first year with 2 kids has been full. Food allergies. Anemia and Iron Deficiency struggles for both boys. Emotional battles for kiddos. Lack of sleep. In the midst of tackling these challenges, I found myself struggling to keep up in managing our home. The messy house felt like a monster controlling me.

Three months of "survival mode" in home-keeping post-baby seemed normal but after 6 months and then 9 months of time passed, I wrestled with a strong desire for change. I felt crazy in my own messy home. I wondered if it was just my "lot" for these years. Perhaps I was too focused on trivial matters to care so much. I wanted to be more like my mom and wondered how she did it all those years. I knew the truth that it doesn't matter in light of eternity if my house is messy more days than it is clean. However, day after day I remained in "survival mode" and it drained my mental energy. Each night I slipped into bed holding to a bit of hope and thinking, "tomorrow I will really get this place cleaned and organized". I craved the ability to have a simpler, cleaner home so that I could focus my attention toward more important issues like loving and training my kids hearts.

As I wrestled, prayed and muddled through the past few months, God has responded with both heart change in me and provided practical tools to help do this whole motherhood-wifehood-house-management calling I have! It has been incredibly encouraging to see Him growing me and giving me daily encouragement and training in being a mom and wife!

I want to share with you what God is teaching me...hence why this is Part 1! Part 2 and Part 3 will be arriving in the next couple weeks...

Perhaps this will be an encouragement for some of you who are also a mom of little ones, perhaps it will make someone smile in understanding (or awareness of all I still have to learn!) or perhaps it will only serve as my little record of all that I am learning...

If nothing else, I hope it will encourage us that God is able and faithful to meet us right in the midst of our messy lives and provide all we need to answer the calling He has given us.

Striving

2011-11-14T14:13:00.001-08:00

Colossians 1:28-29

²⁸ We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ. ²⁹ For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.

I have always loved this passage and considered it often as I seek to love and minister to others. Recently I started considering how it ought to be part of my overall goal as a parent.

My days are not just about changing diapers, feeding two little boys and training them to live rightly. These days are ultimately for proclaiming Christ to these two boys who are growing into men. It is about admonishing and teaching them with all wisdom SO THAT they may be presented complete in Christ.

Just writing that out feels huge. "Complete in Christ" It feels too big for me. I try to figure out the ways to do it rightly. I feel guilty for my sin and mistakes that have happened already. I find myself striving...according to my own power. It ends in shame and feeling overwhelmed.

So I am clinging to verse 29...For this purpose I labor, striving according to His power, which works within me.

It is through His Power, the power of the Holy Spirit in me that I will be able to do this!

This kind of striving is different.

It is without pressure to perform.

It is a joy instead of a burden.

It is God's to accomplish instead of mine.

It turns my eyes off of myself and onto the Lord.

What a difference it makes when I am in constant conversation with the Holy Spirit and leaning on Him and His power as I parent our boys. His purposes replace my silly plans. His love fills my empty heart. His patience melts away my frustration and anger. His wisdom provides insight. His kindness saturates my words. His strength covers over my weakness.

And prayerfully, through the days and years these children will SEE Christ in my husband and I as we strive according to His power. And our hope is that they will long for Him and surrender themselves wholly to Him...trading their worthless striving for His love and power.

A Message on Suffering

2011-09-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I listened to a sermon given by Tim Keller titled, Suffering: If God is good, why is there so much evil in the world?

The question posed is one of humanity's great heart questions. It is not easy to "answer".

Tim Keller's message was profound. I listened to it twice in a row while washing dishes one night.

I am thinking of it today, the 10th anniversary of 9/ 11, because this sermon was birthed from an 8 minute message that Tim shared on the 5th anniversary of 9/11 at Ground Zero. The message was addressed to the families who lost a loved one in 9/11.

I encourage you to take 30 minutes this week, grab your Bible and listen to it. It is powerful. I'd love to hear what you think...

The Blanket Story

2011-07-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

This past fall I sat in the rocking chair next to our baby's little co-sleeper bed soothing him he fell asleep. A soft, fluffy blanket, dubbed by our oldest as "momma's blanket" partially covered the baby's legs to keep him warm and cozy until asleep.

Big brother sat on my lap listening to me hum a song and decided he wanted to hold "momma's blanket". He began to gather it all onto his lap. I whispered, "Let's share the blanket with your baby brother...It is keeping him warm also while he falls asleep. There can be some on you and some on him."

He was NOT happy about this idea.

He looked back and forth from the blanket on his lap to the blanket on the baby, wondering, "Is there really enough of this blanket for both of us?" After some back and forth glances I drew his face to look at mine. I could sense his heart was unsure, not just of sharing the blanket, but of sharing me. So I quietly said into his ear,"I love you". This happened a few times. Slowly he became more peaceful and finally settled into my lap contentedly with his part of the blanket.

Recently I found myself comparing my life situation to another person's. As I was headed down that slippery slope of comparison, God reminded me of the blanket story with the boys.

I gulped as I contemplated the parallels. I was looking at other people's lives and their gifts from God (a relationship, a material possession, a sense of joy and peace, an answered dream or prayer) and comparing it to my own life situation. Hidden in my comparison and my wondering was the question, "Is there enough Love for me?"

Other questions swirled in my mind, "Does my lack of what that person has signify that God doesn't love me? Or perhaps because He has allowed this trial in my life and not in theirs it it exposes that He loves them more?"

The questions unveiled both my fear and desire.

...I fear I won't be loved completely.

...And that is my deepest desire and longing - to be loved... completely.

The Lord then used a particular passage of Scripture to convict and encourage me. The Apostle John records Peter having a conversation with Jesus after his resurrection. Jesus tells Peter a little about his future and the way God would use his life...

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. ¹⁸ Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God.

Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

²⁰ Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) ²¹ When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?" ²² Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

²³Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”

I saw it clearly: Just like Peter I am often tempted to look at someone else and compare their life story to mine. I ask the Lord, "what about him, what about her?" Perhaps Peter wondered if he was going to be the only person who would have to suffer in that way. "Was it going to be fair? Did Jesus love John more than He loved Peter?"

Just like Peter I compare...I wonder...I doubt if I am loved by God. I foolishly believe that God loves others more than me.

The response of Jesus to "Follow me" discloses God's heart for me, for us. His desire is to draw my face to him, so that I can see only Him, not others or His story for their lives. Comparing my life story to another life story doesn't make a truthful determination of whether I am loved by God or not.

It is only in the face of Jesus that I can find the answer to the question, "Am I loved?" There in His face I can see the love of the Father.

Jesus proves God is love. Love that left heaven to make a way for us to have relationship with the Father for all eternity. As a result, I (and all of us who believe and have received Jesus) are brought into the Trinity's great relationship of love.

As the Father loved His Son, Jesus, so we are also loved. (John 17:25-26)

And NOTHING. can. ever. change. His love for us. (see Romans 8:35-39)

His Love is more than enough. For me, for you and each person who has ever or will live.

I keep encountering the temptation to compare. Yet, the next time I am tempted to compare my life to another, I want to remember that looking for love in those places is futile. There is nothing there for me. Those places are empty and lifeless.

I want to remember how greatly loved I am. By the Father, the Son and the Spirit. I follow Him because He is the one worthy of following. He loved me, He loved us, first. Because of His love, I can trust the story He has planned for my life. He is weaving my story into His Great Story and it will ultimately be good.

All I need to do is follow Him.

Fleeting Days

2011-05-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

Having two children has increased the velocity of time's passage for me. I always heard older mothers comment on how fast time flies with children. I trusted it would become my experience, but still can hardly believe how quickly the days slip away. It is a strange occurrence, since some days are so incredibly long!

Perhaps it is due to the the non-stop routine of life currently:
try to sleep, change diapers, prepare food, eat, change diapers, play (try to throw a load of laundry in the washer) prepare food, eat, change diapers, (try to put the laundry in the dryer), the kiddos sleep (hopefully!), change diapers, prepare food, eat, bed-time and try to sleep again.

Or it could be because so many of the days have held lots of crying and struggle over the past few months for both the kids (okay because of their struggle, I have also cried a lot tears!). Our little baby's tummy was not happy during or after eating - yet two answers seem to be giving us the solutions we need (milk protein allergy being the most recent discovery). Our toddler has had his share of physical and emotional ups and downs lately. My heart and mind have been determinedly focused on helping and loving our children.

It might also be because this winter and spring has held short stints of time in between another cold or illness coming to visit our little family. On the "sick weeks" life becomes about survival and getting better. The days are slightly blurry until health returns and we emerge to try "normal" again. I have very few memories of the month of March into the beginning of April!

Or it might be due to the overwhelming love that spills out and over my heart for these two little ones. At night when I am holding them, giving them their last kiss and hug for the night, I am reminded of the brevity of these days and moments. Little bodies never cease to grow and this week they are displaying development and growth that they didn't the previous week. One day they will be so much bigger in every way. I am confident I will be missing them as they follow God's path for their lives in different places.

It has been difficult to write often during this season, but my fingers and mind are feeling the itch to take a few minutes here and there to patter away at the keyboard. I hope in the midst of the flurry to carve out a bit of time in the coming months to continue to reflect on these things which are eternal...loving God, loving children, loving a husband, loving people.

see you again soon!

"Going without"

2011-03-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Going without is a theme for moms with babies...there are days of going without showers, a warm meal, time to oneself and yes, the BIG one - SLEEP!

I was prepared for those. I didn't expect to "go without" some other things this time.

First it was coffee. I thought I could start having a cup a day again after the baby was born. Decaf of course, since I am breastfeeding. Turns out even decaf seems to affect him - meaning he is awake in the early morning (4am!). That is not worth it!

Then, it was A LOT of delicious foods. Anything containing diary, soy or gluten. I ventured this route of excluding foods from my diet because our baby began crying or screaming after almost every time he ate. Initially we thought the problem was reflux/GERD. Much of my research seemed to indicate that certain foods can make reflux worse for breastfed babies, so I eliminated foods to try and help the problem. (Also, following our pediatrician's advice we gave him medication to help with the reflux. The medicine made it much worse so we stopped it and managed it other ways.) Recently, I discovered the true problem is an oversupply of my milk that was causing the reflux symptoms. I am glad to know the root cause and still trying to figure out if there is a complicating issue of a food insensitivity.

Somewhere in the midst of making drastic diet changes, the second car sputtered and died. It was just a "get from point A to point B" kind of car, yet that was what we needed. My wonderful husband needed a way to get to work, so he took the car and we stayed home most of the time. No more spontaneous visits to the grocery store or the river to take a walk. (Recently, some sweet friends loaned us one of their cars to borrow while we look to purchase a used car. It has been a great blessing to be able to get out at times with the boys!)

And finally our home computer greeted me with a blinking question mark folder signaling the end had arrived! Hard-drive failure. Thankfully Steve had backed up all our pictures recently or I would have been heartbroken. It has helped me curb any excessive computer use! (and really slowed down my email response time and new blog posting!)

Going without these conveniences has revealed what I tend to lean on to get me through the days and help me live with stress (i.e. a lack of sleep and parenting an active toddler and baby). I turn to coping strategies so often instead of Jesus as my strength to make it through the day. "Going without" has drawn my attention toward my true Source of Strength, Joy and Comfort - Jesus Christ. As a result I am very thankful for the opportunity to go without things I enjoy, so I could once again be reminded of true Joy. This year my hope is to "go without" again and again - money, possessions, time for myself, comfort, etc. In doing so, I want my heart's focus to be Jesus Christ and loving others and not managing my stress or desires with that which is only temporary.

What have you been "going without" lately? Is it drawing your heart to Christ?

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Colossians 3:1-4

Answered Prayers and Adjusting

2011-01-18T14:33:00.000-08:00

Since we started understanding some of the dynamics going on in our family with adding a baby to our family (see previous post), We responded by changing some of our parenting strategies, praying lots ourselves AND asking people to join us in prayer. Almost immediately we saw God begin to work and specific prayers being answered!

There has been continually pouring out of moment by moment wisdom from God's Spirit to us as parents (sometimes we see what we ought to have done after the fact and sometimes we have grace to do what is helpful right in the moment). Our son's heart is being reassured bit by bit. His little brother's crying is slowly being redefined from as horrible thing to something Mommy or Daddy will help. Often when they are both crying, I say to them, "it is going to be all right" and he has started saying it with me now.

Even practical things and ideas have been super helpful - we are coping with the current season of winter (rain in our part of the country) by doing a lot of indoor jumping on a mini trampoline and bouncing on an exercise ball. During the rough parts of the day, we grab his blanket and listen to music as it is one our oldest son's favorite things in the world...we dance, worship and play "hand guitars". And day by day, we are adjusting.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Thank you Father for loving us and answering our prayers.

Proclaiming Faithfulness

2010-12-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

I just can seem to either come up with all the words needed for a thoughtful post lately. Then if I do, I can't seem to find the time to write it.

Tonight all I have is this...a moment to proclaim His Faithfulness...it isn't going to be very profound, but I feel that I just want to say out loud - to whoever is "listening" - that God has been Faithful to me today!

Psalm 92

A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day.

¹ It is good to praise the LORD
   and make music to your name, O Most High,
² proclaiming your love in the morning
   and your faithfulness at night,
³ to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
   and the melody of the harp.
⁴ For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
   I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
⁵ How great are your works, LORD,
   how profound your thoughts!

It has been a rough couple weeks. My oldest is struggling with the addition of a little one to our family. It is normal for a kiddo his age (2 yrs) to have a difficult transition with a new sibling and it is also complicated by his story. We have become confident he is experiencing "feelings" or "associations" from the first part of his life when crying babies meant things were not good. At that time there wasn't enough food or care and there was a lot of crying through the day without the appropriate response infants need. Things are different now, but it will take time for his little heart to understand.

As he struggles, we struggle. We are a family and we are in this together. It is hard; trying to discern how to parent two children who have great needs. We aren't alone though...Jesus has been present through His Spirit sharing and communicating the love of the Father over and over. As parents, we are doing all we can to make our family a safe and peaceful place full of love. Yet there is much more we are counting on our God to do in our son's heart through His Spirit.

God has been showing His faithfulness through prompting me to buy a book, The Connected Child, weeks ago (it gives expert advice for parenting adopted children) and by giving us wise counsel through family, friends and also godly people at our church. He has surrounded us with people who are praying. He continues to supply us with strength, patience and kindness during this stretching time.

Tonight I got to see God's faithfulness again. He continued to give me wisdom for the moments- new ways of helping my son deal with transitions in our evening. He provided peace that surpassed the intense moments and the messy house. He showed His faithfulness in a sweet hour I was able to have with my older son as my younger one slept better than normal. He gave creativity to me for what we could do together and poured His peace and love into our interactions.

He is a good God, who cares so specifically for our needs and provides all we need for each moment!

Thank you God - You are Faithful!
Thank you for loving us in the daily moments.
Thank you for loving us completely by sending your Son Jesus to be born into this world and then die and rise again so that we could have a relationship with you and so that we could have the Holy Spirit to comfort, teach and guide us.
I am so glad to be yours!

A Wonderful Arrival

2010-11-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

This past week we welcomed our 2nd child, a son into the world!!!

It was an incredible experience to birth him. Full of hardship and pain, it was the most physically and emotionally demanding journey I have ever accomplished (with the Lord and my husband's help). My heart felt wonder, joy and relief when he was put in my arms! My husband and I both felt strongly that we never wanted to do "that again" afterward. Our wise midwife humorously reminded us it was too early to think about a "next time". And as the days pass, my memories of the hard labor and the joy of a little one has eclipsed the pain so that I have already prayed "if You will Lord - I would love to have the privilege again!". No matter what the future holds, we are daily aware that this little life is one of God's good gifts to us!

Our son is healthy, handsome and a delight to love.

So far eating and sleeping are going very well. We won't hold out that it will always be this way, but we are enjoying it!

His big brother is getting a bit more interested in him as the days go by - he mostly loves commenting on the baby "crying" (even when he is not crying) and giving the baby kisses on the cheek. His interactions with the baby have been gentle and sweet for which we are thankful. He is more frustrated with his dad and I. We can see he is in the midst of emotional uncertainty following with his parents absence from home for several days and a now a new person with whom to share Mom and Dad's attention. We have had some hard moments and hard days. Presently, our parents are blessing us with their presence, love and service to us in these weeks. They are a huge gift during the beginning of this major life transition.

We are praying for God's mercy and grace as the days go by and we all adjust to being a family of four!

Feeling God's love

2010-10-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

We are within a week of the due date for the baby. As of now, there are no signs that he is coming really soon, but we will see when God has planned for him to enter the world. At this point I am at peace and keep coming back to praying God's will vs. my own!

This past week during prayer I asked the Lord if He could reveal His love to me this week as I prepare for birth and the major transition of welcoming another child into our home. He has responded in such sweet ways, especially through various people in our lives.

I am overwhelmed by His love and want to share my list of gratitude:

a dear friend came over and asked to clean both of my bathrooms! How amazing is that? I was just about ready to have Steve do it (and he could have, but it is not on his typical list of chores!). We were both blessed incredibly to be served in this way!
another friend thought of us and brought by a loaf of delicious homemade bread
a baby shower given for us at our church - the love, prayers and gifts were such an encouragement
a wonderful cd in the mail from one of my life long heart friends - it has my new favorite song: Love Came Down performed by Brian Johnson -you can listen to it here
meditating on Psalm 16 - especially verse 2 ~ You are my Lord, apart from You I have no good thing!
a patient and understanding husband who keeps the dishes going, loves on our super active 2 year old during each moment he is at home and who keeps praying for me and reminding me of his love
spending quality time with my siblings, who love me just as I am!
my parents and their words that fit the moment and were just what I needed to hear
getting 3 bags of groceries delivered to our door by a sweet friend!
unexpected sunny fall days
His promise to give Wisdom and to guide us
surprise packages in the mail from my in-laws
being with the body of Christ gathered together - sharing in music and the Word and prayer
His promise to Never leave us!
being able to both read others' blogs and also share on one of my own

Thank you for reading and keeping up with us here! I appreciate you!

I also know that many of you are in prayer for us during this time. I am humbly grateful for your love, support and prayers!

Leaning on Him
~ Anna

Buy a Book and Feed an Orphan

2010-10-11T00:29:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of getting to know Candy over email and the web as we both waited to adopt from Ethiopia. Our kids were eventually adopted in the same month! I keep up on her blog because I love her heart for Jesus, for her family and for "the least of these."

I am delighted to hear about a new venture God is leading her and her husband to do. They started an initiative to support and help orphans and at risk youth in Ethiopia. It is simple and profound - Buy a Book and Feed an Orphan. They have two great children's books for sale. All the proceeds will go to feed children at the orphanage/drop in center at Grace Baptist Church in Kombolcha, Ethiopia.

Candy personally visited this care point in Ethiopia and is working to also raise sponsors to sponsor the children there. She shares about Grace Baptist Church on their website:

In December 2009, I went to Ethiopia with a group of like-minded people and a group called Children’s HopeChest. We visited orphanages and care points in Ethiopia, and our hearts broke. Hungry children, tattered clothes, lack of clean water at many locations…. In Kombolcha, Ethiopia, our group met 300 children who have lost a mom or a dad or both. Many of these orphaned children are only able to eat a few times a week because of extreme poverty. They cannot concentrate in school because they are hungry. They need food to survive, grow, and thrive.

Isn't it exciting to see what God is doing through ordinary people like us that have a passion and love for others? Candy and her husband Rob's love for Jesus and others has resulted in a simple outreach and now through the sale of books, orphans and at risk children in Kombolcha, Ethiopia will have the resources to be fed and cared for each day.

I hope you can join me in finding a child that you can buy a book for and in doing so support these children in Ethiopia!

Strange Questions

2010-10-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Adoption typically elicits a variety of questions from others.

I usually enjoy answering questions from family and friends. I know the answers we have decided are the best ones to give for our son and our family. In these conversations I share relationship, context, love and time for a dialogue or conversation. Our interaction also brings about growth in relationship and further understanding regarding our family or adoption in general.

However, questions from strangers are often perplexing and exhausting. They tend to subtly demand a truthful answer and even when it is not appropriate for me to give an answer that explains the whole story. I am wary of my child growing older and often hearing his Mom answering strangers probing questions with an announcement that he was adopted. Of course he was and it is not something we are ashamed of in the least. It is a part of his and our story and we will talk about it as much as we need to as a family. Yet, I don't think it is beneficial for him for me to announce this part of his story as often as people are prone to asking questions to satisfy their curiosity.

Typical questions I am asked usually follow the lines of, "Now, I noticed your son's skin. Is his father from another country?"

Sometimes it gets even more difficult...

I was alone grocery shopping. It was a treat to be out and shop without distraction, even if I am very pregnant; i.e. slow and big. At the check out line, I was moving slowly and steadily. The lady helping the cashier bag items gestured to my large abdomen. Smiling, she asked if it was my first.

I have been getting this question for months when I am without my son. I have told a few strangers "yes, this is my first," because I know what they are asking about is my pregnancy. But afterward I felt so disingenuous. My answer diminished the truth that I am already a mom and I have a child who is my first and always will be my first child, even though I did not birth him. So after talking about it one time with my husband, I decided to start saying, "this is my second". So I responded to her happily "no, this is my 2nd", purposely choosing not to feel pressured to give her more of an answer, like, "our first was adopted."

Inwardly, I felt glad and full of integrity to say this next baby was my second child. Unfortunately, I failed to consider where her questions would follow afterward. It turns out, she was very excited to talk about labor and delivery. I went to pay my bill and move on with my groceries quickly since the shopper behind me was pressing at my back. As I did so, the cashier's helper animatedly began asking about my previous child's birth - How long was the labor? Was it good or not? Short or long? In the midst of the craziness of the moment I tried to avoid her questions so I wouldn't lie. The questions continued to come at a quickening pace and in my uncomfortableness I tersely blurted out, "the labor was good," hoping to stop the questions. She went on to briefly touch on her different deliveries of her children while I felt horribly for the lie I had spoke. I was praying, "Jesus, I am sorry, I just lied to this woman and I don't know what would be right to say to remedy this right now. Please forgive me." As soon as I was able, I grabbed my cart, smiled and headed out of the store.

I am still pondering what to say next time I have a similar type conversation. Another blogger friend of mine, an adoptive parent wrote of her similar (yet much more intense) experience that occurred recently. It was good to know I am not alone in this struggle of how to answer questions with brevity while also providing dignity to my son and his story. I am sure someone could write a small book on this topic!

Praise the Lord!

2010-09-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am snuggling closer to my son these days.

It is a sweet time, knowing these are our last days of just the two of us when Daddy is away at work. I am cherishing the moments I have to focus solely on him before the next baby arrives.

It has drawn me to recall the days of empty arms and a longing heart before God brought our first son into our family. Those were difficult days. They were sometimes lonely and dark. They also taught me more of trusting the Lord and turning to Him to be my only satisfaction in life.

I am grateful and I am praising the Lord for who He is ~ in the days of childlessness and now the days of "child-fullness"...

Psalm 113

¹ Praise the Lord!
   Yes, give praise, O servants of the Lord.
      Praise the name of the Lord!
² Blessed be the name of the Lord
      now and forever.
³ Everywhere—from east to west—
      praise the name of the Lord.
⁴ For the Lord is high above the nations;
      his glory is higher than the heavens.
⁵ Who can be compared with the Lord our God,
      who is enthroned on high?
⁶ He stoops to look down
      on heaven and on earth.
⁷ He lifts the poor from the dust
      and the needy from the garbage dump.
⁸ He sets them among princes,
      even the princes of his own people!
⁹ He gives the childless woman a family,
      making her a happy mother.
   Praise the Lord!

Trading in the List

2010-08-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

The list sits with my calendar. A few tasks were crossed off of it in the past month. Still many more boxes to check "done". The weeks are quickly passing by...I wonder daily if I can accomplish this "to do before baby arrives" list we created. Conspiring how to make it all happen occurs often. Then, good sense reminds me the baby will come with or without this list. Yet, I try to work away at it, knowing how great it would be to have these items completed.

Recently I put my little one down for a nap. Contemplating what to do with this alone time, I glanced across the table in front of me. Amidst a stack of mail and leftover lunch dishes, the list loomed large before me.

Tasks not on the list taunted me...a sink full of dirty dishes, piles of clothes to be washed and folded, emails asking for a reply and more...

Over a month of not sleeping well brought a certain sense of weariness.

Perhaps it was a day to trade my list in for something else...

...for a little resting of my eyes and also my mind

...for time to meditate on the Word of God I have been reading

...for time to worship through song and adore Jesus

I imagined I was much like Martha*, who may have set down her cleaning rags and cooking pots to rest and sit at the feet of Jesus...to remember she is a beloved daughter, to worship with transparency and to be renewed from the inside out.

In a short time, another person will be in our family and I know my ability to check items off the list will be limited.

Trading in my list for quiet time to rest and be with Jesus reminded me of what is truly worth being concerned about in the coming weeks. I decided to add these things to the list...

~ to daily find my true joy in Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him...not in the list being accomplished

~ to remember that home may feel a bit chaotic at times with dishes and laundry to be done, yet my soul can be still be full of peace

~ to daily carve out space to sit in His presence and be transformed by His Word and His Spirit

~ to be a wife and mom who walks by the Spirit - filled with His peace and living out of His love

As I keep working on "the list" over the coming weeks I want to remember what is truly worth being concerned about in life!

* Luke 10:38-41
As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Going from One to Two

2010-07-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

It isn't that far away - about 15ish weeks...when our family will grow by one.

I am excited and also wondering how rocked my/our world will be - I am presuming it is going to be quite an adjustment in wonderful and hard ways.

I know it is difficult to prepare for things like this until they happen...sometimes one just has to live through it to know what it will be like and how to adjust. I also know it will depend on all the various dynamics of each person in our family. We do ask God to prepare our hearts for the arrival of our 2nd son...

With all that said I know there are many of you who have been in my shoes before - any great words of advice for me regarding how to prepare for the transition from 1-2? or what helped you once you added child #2 to the family?

Also a brief update on the baby - he appears healthy, moves a lot and is growing each day! We are excited to meet this little guy!

when there are unanswered questions

2010-07-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

Our son's Ethiopian Momma and Dada have been on my heart often these days. Particularly, as a woman I keep thinking of what it would be like to meet his Momma. I would love to know her and share with her what a wonderful son we have. I wonder what her pregnancy with him was like, what her struggles and joys were, what the birth was like and so on. I pray often that she will know the love of Jesus and that she will have peace from God in her heart concerning her child, for whom she chose life.

We talk about her already, even though my son doesn't understand yet. Sometimes it is because I am telling him his story, sometimes it is always in a wondering way, "I wonder if you got your beautiful hair from your Ethiopian Mom or Ethiopian Dad?" On Mother's Day, I was explaining to him why we celebrated the day and I shared how he had two Mom's for whom to give thanks. He understood a little of what I said and promptly lifted his hand in the air and proclaimed his version of "thank you God" with a smile on his face. With a full heart, I thanked God with him, for his courageous Ethiopian Momma who showed her love and gave him the gift of life.

At this point, there is only joy for his heart. He has a Momma and a Dada and he knows is loved. One day, he will know more of the complexity of his story. He will have questions. He will need to wrestle with his story in his own way and I can only guess at this point what kind of sadness he might experience.

The sadness is present already for me. There are questions without answers. There are gaps I cannot fill. There is the longing of a mother to know the full story of her child. There is the desire to shield my son from the sorrow he may likely feel.

I know the answers to the questions will not suddenly come. They will always remain during this lifetime. I know I will not be able to fill all the empty places in his heart with my love. I know we will most likely have moments where there are tears and wonderings and no easy fixes. I know each stage of his life will hold different questions and present different needs and desires. I know I need wisdom from God and others to parent lovingly and wisely as we help our son face these losses.

It can be overwhelming during particular moments to consider all that is ahead of us. When someone inquires about his story, when I do my best to fill out medical paperwork concerning his history, when I look in his deep brown eyes and wonder if they look more like his birth mom or dad...it can seem so strange to have so many unanswered questions for this child who I love more than words can express.

When I am particularly aware of the emptiness and loss, I find all I can do is lay my heart out before my Lord. I pour my heart out to God and share my sorrow. Over and over again, as I listen to His Word and His Spirit I am comforted. I see that meaning for our lives, especially the sorrow we walk through, can only truly be found in Jesus.

I see a larger picture unfolding...one that stretches beyond the unanswered questions and pain.

I am reminded of who our God is...

Trust and hope spring forth.

Trust in God's delight and in His history of bringing joy from places of sorrow in our lives.

Hope in God's ability to fill the gaps in our lives and heart with His love.

With trust and hope we continually pray. We pray for wisdom to walk our son through all his days. We pray that we and others would be present in his life for him to share his thoughts and feelings. We pray as he comprehends and processes his story, that he will have freedom to grieve and wrestle and we pray he will end in a place of trusting the goodness of God. We pray he will grow into a man who will give thanks to God for the people who have loved him and been used by God to give him life. We pray he will see God's hand at work in his life, and experience first hand God's ability to bring joy from the sadness. We pray Jesus Christ alone will be his joy, will fill his empty places, will bring meaning to his life and that he will turn to Him for all the strength and wisdom needed for living life.

We also continue to pray that we will be able to one day embrace his Ethiopian Momma and Dada and his other Ethiopian family in the Lord's presence. There, our King Jesus will wipe away every tear from our eyes and we trust we will be satisfied completely by Him and being in His presence. Maybe he will answer all the questions we have...and maybe just Him and being with Him will be enough and the questions will fade.

I do know God's word promises that all things will be made right in Jesus Christ.

He will fill all our places of emptiness, loneliness and sadness with Himself.

It is for Him and His restoration that ultimately we trust and we hope.

Psalm 84:5-7

What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,

who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.

When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

They will continue to grow stronger,

and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.

Revelation 21:1-5

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

two kiddos in two years!

2010-06-03T23:19:00.000-07:00

I find myself very much in awe of God's miracle and plan on a daily basis. Two children will come into our family in two years. After years of waiting, we feel filled with thanksgiving!

We were excited to discover through an ultrasound that our next kiddo is going to be a boy! I had it in my head that it was a girl - so it was a very fun surprise. During the exam, once we spied the tell-tale proof I couldn't help but laugh. My shaking belly caused the ultrasound technician to stop the work and wait a moment until I could compose myself. The baby is quite a mover already and I keep wondering at God's plan that He is giving us two boys - one we know is very active and the other seems to be so far. I did ask the Lord if He really thinks I am up for this and of course I was reminded of all the verses in the Bible of trusting His strength! I am trusting God for the energy and strength to be these boys' mom. We are thrilled that our sons will have a brother and have already begun praying their relationship will be a strong friendship through their life.

The Lord reminded me recently of a time of prayer I had with Him years ago. It was a random conversation between He and I in the car. I don't even remember if I was praying about desiring children, but we knew we were not conceiving a child as easily as we hoped. In that moment, God gently spoke to my heart, "If it takes longer than you desired to have children, will you trust me? What if my plan is different than yours? What if I decide to bring you children in 4 or 5 years instead of now?" I didn't want to wait - my heart longed for children, but Jesus is my Lord and I was compelled to trust Him because of His love for me. I nodded quiet surrender..."okay Lord...have your way. I will trust you." I never thought those numbers God mentioned were going to correspond to actual time-frames...but that is what happened...4 years later we received our son into our family through adoption and then at 5 years we discovered the news that there was a child in my womb. Reflecting on that conversation and the following years, I feel incredibly loved by God. He knew the journey through infertility and adoption would be hard and wonderful and He wanted me to know He had a purpose and that I could trust His plans and His love. I am so thankful for how He has led and it makes me want to learn more and more what it means to wait on Him and to trust Him.

Song by Esterlyn

2010-06-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

Enjoying this song...

Esther

He heals the broken Heartache

He binds their wounds

He is Love

He finds those forgotten

Those have been abused

He is Love

He knows your name

[Chorus]

A father to the fatherless

A healer of the brokenness you make

Beauty from the ashes

A helper to the helpless

A fighter for the hopeless you Love

Those who are alone

Those who are alone

[echoes Those who are alone]

[Second Verse]

He comforts the lonely

He hears their Cry

He is Love

He holds the children

Through out the night

He is Love

He knows your name

[Chorus]

A father to the fatherless

A healer of the brokenness you make

Beauty from the ashes

A helper to the helpless

A fighter for the hopeless you love

Those who are alone

[Bridge]

Gives us your Heart Lord help us Love the unseen

And give us your Eyes Lord help us Love those in need

[Chorus]

You're a father to the fatherless

A healer of the brokenness you make

Beauty from the ashes

You're a helper to the helpless

A fighter to the hopeless you love

Those who are alone

Those who are alone

He knows your name
~~~~~~

Also here is a video that tells the story of the little girl behind the naming of the band Esterlyn.

One Day at a Time

2010-04-23T07:44:00.000-07:00

So I am "back". The first trimester of pregnancy kind of "took me out" for the extras - like baking bread, using cloth diapers daily and blogging.

However, it seems my body is less and less "off kilter". The nausea and extreme tiredness are slowly fading. We are thankful that our little sweet pea is doing well. We have heard a strong and steady heartbeat (and lots of leg kicks) thanks to a Doppler device used during a visit to my midwife.

So ~~unless~~ until we hit a hard ~~week~~ month again, I am excited to be blogging!

Though it has been quiet on the blog, I have been learning a lot in the past 8 weeks...

More how to TRUST in the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind...seems EVERY facet of life teaches me this over and over...this is including the process of entrusting this next child into God's gracious and good hands
Not to worry that something was wrong every time the nausea went away for an hour or two, instead to just be grateful!
How different it is to be carrying a child, instead of yearning for one that is half a world away. I do like this part of being super close to the baby from day zero!
How much I love and am thankful for our son - Wow! Reading and learning more about the miracle of conception, development and birth has caused my love for both our son and his birth mom to grow! I am so thankful God sustained his life while in the womb and then afterward so that I could be his mom!
How awfully tired one can be while chasing around a very active toddler while in the first months of pregnancy - whew.
The mystery of why a mom so tired can wake up in the middle of night and not able to go to sleep - hormones taking over?
How blessed I am to have an amazing and servant-hearted husband - his kindness, love, service and patience during these days continues to illustrate the love of Jesus to me.
I can live happily without a daily cup of coffee!
I am gaining further clarity on what does and doesn't have to be cleaned each week - sleep definitely took the priority and I know it won't be the last time this will happen.

Overall, I am learning in this season to live life one day at a time, trusting God for the strength and joy I need and anticipating how His love will be shown to us in each day.

Psalm 52:8-9

But I am like an olive tree
       flourishing in the house of God;
       I trust in God's unfailing love
       for ever and ever.

I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

I love adoption!

2010-03-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

It was always on our heart to adopt one day in our lives. We just assumed we would have birth children first and then adopt. When we discovered that God's plan was not for us to have birth children first, I wrestled in my heart. Life was not as I had expected. I had to grieve and let go of a multitude of expectations and longings. As I processed through these things, God worked some amazing and wonderful perspective changes in my heart and gave me gifts for which I am continually thankful. Here are some of the invaluable treasures we now hold...

We gained a heart for orphans...
God ignited a passion in us for those who don't have a family - those who were without parental love and protection. Before adopting, we knew there were orphans in the world but we had NO IDEA how many and what desperate situations they found themselves in. Our passion grew and we not only wanted to adopt our first child and more in the future, we began to pray that Jesus would lead us to ways to care and advocate for the millions of children in the world who need someone to love and care for them. We now grasp how deeply God delights in caring for children!

We gained a deeper understanding of what it means that God's love knows no bounds...
Our experience has taught us more of what it means to be adopted into God's family because of Jesus - and our adoption is forever! Adopting has illuminated our own relationship with God, revealing God's heart of love to our hearts in new ways. He loves us just as we are and has completely brought us into His family for good.

We experienced our faith growing as we learned to trust God to grow our family in the way He chose...
We are so blessed by the way He has chosen to grow our family. We wouldn't chose our life to be ANY other way! Adoption has blessed us more than we could ever have dreamed! Once we had our son home with us, we would look at each other in awe saying, "Can you believe this is what God had planned, for us to be united as parents to this sweet little boy? What a completely wonderful gift!" It was evident in various ways that God hand-picked our son for us and us for him. And now we have a little baby growing in my womb...a child God has decided He wants to be in the world at this point in time. The power and kindness of Jesus to bring about the miracle of adoption and the miracle of a child in my womb in two short years leaves me without words. It is then I know Jesus hears my heart...beating out a humble "thank you" of praise.

We were given a son, who we would otherwise never have known or loved, if not through adoption...
We cannot imagine life without our boy! I am so thankful that I was given the amazing privilege of being his Mom. Though he was not born from my body, there is something mysterious and miraculous that happened - he was born from my heart/our hearts. He truly is "one of our own" in every way. It is also a delight to enjoy his unique personality/genetic makeup/desires that makes him who he is. I shudder to think of what it could have meant to be so focused on having a child from my body that I would have missed him being my son.

God delights in loving children who are in need of families and we are blessed when we join him in doing so, whether it is through adoption, child sponsorship or some other means. I am praying that wherever you are, interested in adoption, praying about sponsoring a child or not even thinking about it - that God will move in your heart to discover the surprising blessing that is found as we love and care for these children!

the author of the story

2010-03-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

If I would have written our life story, it would have looked much different than it does.

Yet, looking back over the last 10 years of adulthood I am completely overwhelmed and thankful that God was the One to write our story and not me. I am thankful He has taught me over the years that living in surrender to Him and His will is the very best place in the world to be!

Each sorrow has ended in a place of blessing and a place of knowing Jesus Christ more.

Each joy has been a gift from Him and a reminder of His kindness.

Each unexpected turn in the road has taught us that Jesus is good and we can trust Him!

Surprise: A Sweet Little Pea

2010-02-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

After years of trying to become pregnant, we visited a few doctors and discovered we were unlikely to conceive. We prayed long and hard about whether to adopt or pursue infertility treatment. God's answer was clear to us: Adopt! We thanked Him for such clear leading and began the adoption process. As you know, we adopted our son, in 2008. He was meant to be our first child, a miracle and a blessing each day to us! We can't imagine our lives without him. While we were in the waiting process for his adoption, I went through a period of grieving the loss of being able to birth a child. During a time of prayer God spoke to my mind/heart: "I am not doing this to punish you. I want you to trust me. I have a plan and if you were pregnant right now, the child I have planned for you to adopt would not be able to come into your family." It was a significant time for me to surrender to God's plan and be encouraged in His goodness.

Along the way God spoke to us through various people who shared that the Lord had specifically put it on their heart to pray for Him to do a miracle and cause us to be pregnant. We believed God could do this, yet wondered when and sometimes if it would happen.

Yesterday we learned that NOW is the time! We are pregnant!!! God has created a baby and there is new life in my womb!

The timing is incredible! We had just started the process for a 2nd adoption and were about to send in our first big payment! We realized before we sent it in, that we needed to eliminate the lingering, lurking question, "Could I be pregnant?!" After the pregnancy was confirmed through a blood test, a nurse ordered an ultra sound due to symptoms I was experiencing that could be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy. I had the ultra sound in the afternoon and we saw the baby! He/she looked like 2 or 3 peas stuck together (hence our sweet little pea!), and was in the right spot, in the gestational sack in the uterus. We could see the baby was fluttering due to the heart beating and we were even able to hear the heart beat - absolutely amazing! Everything looks normal and healthy.

I am only 6 weeks along, so we are early. We would love your prayers for the health of our child and for me during this pregnancy. As we were praying last night, we sensed the Lord speaking two things to our hearts, "don't be afraid" and "don't mistrust my goodness". We are standing in faith praying for continued life and growth for this baby who God has chosen to be conceived at this point in time!

Thank you for those of you who have prayed through the years for this miracle - it is a joy and privilege for us to tell you that our Lord Jesus answered!!!

with love from all 4 of us!

p.s. We still do definitely desire to adopt one more child (at least) from Ethiopia. However, we see God's plan is for us to wait until later. We will stop our paperwork for this adoption and pray about when to start again!