Dirty Dubs

Wednesday 1 May 2007: “There's worse things than Bank Holiday Mondays. There's slavery. Arise, outta that. Hup now.”

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 01 Sep 2013 01:44:00 +0000

01:07

Stroke up the bonfires. Turn up the radio. The strains of revolution are ringing out. By the time they wake up tomorrow it'll all be done. We'll be free. I'll be free. Free. I. Free. Me.

Hasta la revolutcion siempre!

- Is that Irish comrade?

Spanish. Don't know what it is in Irish. Something like, Mise Abu.

- Up the Rebel!

Hush now. We don't want to cross the Tribe. No, say Up the iRepublic!

= UP THE I-REPUBLIC! I-I-I!

http://www.focal.ie/Search.aspx?term=revolution

01:50

Iraqi government guy of all people appealing for a solution to the broken world. I pity the poor old son of a bitch.

DAY DAWNS ...

06:01

Commandant. They've taken over the school at Cartow Road and are running troopers in there all day. Shall we lace up, sir?

- Yes. Boots on. Boots on...

What for an objective sir, are we to march on St. Lukes now that the owners, occupiers, renters and sub-renters are out voting for the Family today in the town and country?

- (Distractedly) St Lukes? No. Not St Lukes.

Leinster House, sir?

- No. We're getting ready to pull out. We'll evacuate Dublin and retreat to our defensive positions in Ballinafeck.

Ballinafeck, sir? Right. How will we stop them pursuing us?

Easy. Get Dekko to bring the white van out to Palmerstown and abandon it on the road. Take the keys out and let the air out of the tyres. That should cover us for about half a day. Gives us enough time to set up our base for the holdout.

07:45

But first. Let's infiltrate the FF HQ and interrupt their dancing. We'll spike the tay down there to wipe the smug features back.

- Spike it sir. Righto, sir. With what?

We'll lace their tea with Kool Aid. That should put a halt to their gallop.

07:51

Starten ze own country:

Many people wonder whether or not their current government or state is able to hold firm through times of economic crisis, war, corruption, and natural disaster. Others wish to secede for their own agenda; profit, heritage, lifestyle. And many just want to have fun and create their own country. This work by Erwin S. Strauss provides information, ideas, and concerns with starting your own country.

http://bit.ly/4mQzRV

08:00

Today is bal tin a. (Bealtaine) Light your festive fires.

08:07

There are lots of builders going to the Wall.

08:14

Lads the rain is coming. Check the post to see did the ammo arrive off ebay. Grab a great coat, hat and bandolier. This republic sucks. Let's make our own!

08:42

Balcony is spick and span. Happy summer. May the faerees jump out at you and tickle your underarm until you feel warm and happy from the giggles.

09:00

2003 Pres. Bush proclaims end of Iraq 'major combat operations' in carrier-landing victory speech with "Mission Accomplished" banner conspicuous behind him

09:03

Flertie has a poster down town with his name changed by scrawlage to "Bribie" Ahern. He's taken to robodialling to complain about the "failed policies of the past". As if it's got nothing to do with him. All things to all men. And a few of the women.

09:12

Flirty is pulling the women with de Bertie-blue eyes. Nobody wants to vote against the govern-mint.

09:13
Disintegrate Ballinafeck:

A new integrated tolling system is coming into force on Ireland's roads today. Under the scheme, motorists can use a single electronic tag to get through special lanes at any toll barrier in the country.

09:50

CRONE: Truly wonderful. Nobody else. Man who proved you do not have to have a vision in order to pull the wool over someones' eyes.

09:52

Kaka:

kakistocracy; Government under the control of a nation's worst or least-qualified citizens

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/kakistocracy

10.10

The longest palindrome (spells same backwards as forwards) in the OED is 'tattarrattat', a word used by James Joyce in Ulysses.

10:23
"The people have given me this honour. It's the first day and it's like my honeymoon when my husband produced the turbo rabbit."

10:34

Comrades

Boost the numbers turning out to vote. Close the chip shops, close the high street clothing stores, stop selling drugs and send everyone EVERYONE out to the polling station. Use your ballot like a shiv and stab the regime in the kidney. Vote against them in every constituency in the Free State!

10:56

Or else sit and complain. The CSO says the older you are the more likely you are to vote. The CSO says the older you are the more likely you are to vote. The CSO says the older you are the more likely you are to vote.

11:38

We want young people to get a habit. A democratic one. Where they use the vote, not their nose.

12:00

Pre post Bertie era. Nothing has changed. Everyone is wearing designer suits and feeling very fucking smug. Get Dekko from out The Corner House. Tell him to put his alcopop in his pocket and rab a cab. New plan. I have a job for him. I'll text him instructions.

12:52

The Italian minister for Equal Opportunities under Bertie-sculoni is a former calendar girl model, wet with olive oil, sucking pits out of peaches and all that. Name is not 'Mary', which is a start.

12:58
Oh the RTE have upped sticks and brought the roadshow to Kildare St for the Koolaid party in the 30th Dail. Bertie is such a political stud, balling liberals and fascists at the same time for his mid range dictatorshop.

14:44

Wherrever.

17:52

The Family is going to romp home. Every count centre has a FF man with the cheer: Herouuuuwww!

18:11
The rain reefs down like sin from heaven expelled by the shuffling of chairs as new cabinet ministers take their seats. The coalition minnows will be beat into shape and out of existence. The Fianna Failures have the whoo hoo sounds chasing around them everywhere they go. Consolation goal, the Minister for Exploding Busses issued the traditional demotion slot of “Social Affairs” in the new cabinet.

18:17
They're patting their selves on the back, anointing the tutti de capo tutti back to his role after a clan pow wow. They're awarding themselves a fecking new five year salutation at every very ordinary Irish person’s expense. In the meantime, I shit you not, I'm in the supermarket getting some of my two-for-ones out of the bargain bin. The Tescos worker-lady packing my shopping bag is talking to her checkout-lady colleague about how she finally has her appointment to the Beaumont hospital next week.

“I'm five years waiting for me appointment", she says.

She has a little money bag with her tips. Five years? For an appointment? That's the last time Bertie rode into office promising waiting lists would be eliminated in two years time. Fuck me. Five years. I dared not ask what she got but I gave her a tip. She could use a break, I reckons.

18:21

No point going off half cocked.

18:30

Section 30. Subversive hide. Found Timers. Explosives. Ammo. Insurgents. In Donegal. The Free State are sending the Rangers into Baghdad. Now's our chance. Tonight, when the Party drinks hearty by the Dail, stirring their kool aid in the well.

18:35

MARCUS: I supposed I'd better call the inaugural meeting of the iRepublic Revolutionary Command Council to order. Item 1: The Split.

COUNTESS: How do you propose to handle it?

MARCUS: We'll have to wait and see. Politics is the art of what you can get away with.

18:36

Burtyhurk in Donegal. Preeshts hiding out in the bushes, fiddling with passing kids. Nobody said nothing about it covered it up bullied the whole parish and died old and happy. Here goes the new republic.

18:37
Free at last. Free at last. Thanks be to fuck, lads. We're free at last. Hah?
18:39
Sun like liquid gold. Female flesh like soft platinum. New republic declared today in Nepal. End of a 240 year dynasty. Dawn of a new republic. Anthem changed.

No one
no one
no oooooo-one
can change the way that I feel for you
for you
for you-uuuuuu

19:35

Comrades, generals, workers. Welcome to the Inaugural Conference of the Ballina-.

- Excuse me comrade, beg to interject, but if there's a Ballinafeck Soviet, why not one for Ballybegob Townland?

- Seconded. And a Derryhawhaw Soviet? Are we not entitled, like everybody else?

Ehrm, yes comrade. You are entitled to anything you can think of in the Ballinafeck Soviet. You are entitled to health, food, security, internet, education, drink and all of those things at the same time -

- Yes I know all that comrade. But that's the Ballinafeck Soviet.

One day, workers willing, we will move to regional Soviets -

- No. We want to regionalise now, Comrade Marco.

The constitution forbids it, Comrades.

- You mean to deny us our right to our own soviets?

No comrade. No rights denied here. You must have a right. We can amend the constitution to allow for your rights. To assert your just cause.

- That's right. You'll feckin' amend that constitution. And give us our RIGHTS.

Right, so. WE'LL adust it. TOGETHER.

- Right.

- Right. Table a motion to amend the constitution.

SECONDED.

Vote by show of hands.

Eh, looks like the committee votes no. Motion defeated.

- I demand a recount!

- Is that allowed?

There is nothing in the constitution to stop you from asking the committee to vote again. Show of hands, amend or not? Not.
Item 1. The harvesting of Dinger Fahy's field of spud-

- I demand another recount!

We've had a recount now already.

- But I'm not happy with the result. Run it again. We have to have individual Soviets. We know the Ballinafeck Central Committee is determined to join the European Union.

(Gasps). Who - who told you that?

Never you mind who told us. We want to start our own Soviets so that we don't have to join the EU and Nato and have our - toll fees - set by Europe.

And stamp duty.

And stamp duty. We'll have nothing to do with any of them. You boys are going to become part of a federalist State. Admit it!

(Outrage - a cry of - This Is Treason! A counter cry of "You're going to sell the water from the Suveen River off to the Dubs!")

NOW COMRADES! COMRADES! Calm down. Let's not get excited now. Lads. Lads! Now look. We all want the same thing. The right to self-determination. I can understand that. How about if we say, if the workers of Ballybegob and Derryhawhaw want their own Soviets, they should have them. We'd have to change the constitution, that's all.

Rerun it. Rerun the vote for the second time!

Alright. Show of hands? That's a yay. We can change the constitution now at congress. Seeing as it's just us, let's call this meeting a congress and table the motion.

(Satisfaction.)

So to get back to the matter of working parties digging the spuds? What's the update Comrade Fahy?

- Well, I don't know. I suppose when the turf is all drawn home next week I can bring up my trailer, sure?

-- Are you going to just sit there?

I beg your paaa-rrdon?

-- Are you not taking the train to Moscow and startin' yere own Soviets, lads? Eh, comrades?

We might do.

-- Well, ye can't sit there if ye are!

Whatcha mean? (Genuine feigned surprise.)

-- Ye can't sit there on the meetings of the Ballinafeck Central Committee if you belong to the Derryhawhaw committee, or Ballybegob Soviet either!

Who says we can't?

-- Well ye can't - comrades - ye just can't!

We can if we want. We're members of the Ballinafeck Central Committee. It’s not like we have resigned from anything.

It's true. They have not resigned from the politburo. They have only stated an intention - a desire, they have only asserted their right to their own Soviet. They don't have their own Soviet. They are still members of the Ballinafeck Committee. For now.

-- See? That's treasonous! By definition!

Feck off with your treason, Fitzmuckery! Your grandfather was in the RIC in 1914 -

(Fists flying.)

Comrade Marco slumps back in his chair, dismayed. He takes out his telephone and types a message to the Countess. "Gon 2b a long night. Cup o tay pls?"

Send.

20:25
It's the rain comes whooring down. Thunder and cold wind. Greying out the grey town.

INT: COMMAND POST, NIGHT

The Minister for Cufflinks got the heave ho for a greenie. Yet he managed to sign off on a motorway through the independent town of Ballinafeck before he left his orifice. Destructive fuck. He won't get his bulldozers shoving down our gullets here. We'll get Dinger Fahy out with his herd to hold the road. By law you can’t overtake a herd of cattle in the Free State.

Blow the bridge to the town or if we have no explosives, we'll park a van across it and burn it out.

We can take tolls off the Free Staters driving through. We don't want to take the piss but, they're willing to pay, so let them.

23:01

12 million voters turned out to vote today, from an eligible register of 44 million.

23:36

INT: COMMAND POST, NIGHT
COUNTESS: t-Uasal, we've taken over the roundabouts with roadblocks and renamed them. We're covered on both Roscommon flanks and the Offaly side. The Galway side is now open as you ordered, sir.

MARCO: Good. We might have to fight a running retreat when they come looking for their taxes and VAT the Free State bastards (spits). We'll dissolve into the woods around Gort and fight them jungle shtyle.

COUNTESS: Sir, what are your orders in relation to the toll charge?

MARCO: Eh? Ah, two euro. Or else, display some gesture of humanity.

COUNTESS: Gesture of humanity, sir?

MARCO: Yes. You'll, eh, know it when you see it. Carry on, Countess.
COUNTESS: Sir!

23:41

The tribes are united. Or at least, they will unite. Well, they might and they mightn’t. But, they fought off Cromwell. Fought Robert the Baron. Kerry in 2001. Kilkenny 05. When the time comes, the tribes will unite and strike for their freedom, soviet style. I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it. Spells "s-e-l-f d-e-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n". It's as Paric Che Pearse said: “There's worse things than Bank Holiday Mondays. There's slavery. Arise, outta that. Hup now.”

23:45

INT: COMMAND POST

Marco and an Very Irregular Gentleman called Kelly pore over an unfolded Collins roadmap, got from the garage:

MARCO: The strategic placement of the fortification at Clonmacnoise covers the northern and southern approaches of the Shannon waterway for 5 miles either side in the middle of a slow bend. You couldn’t miss the dirty Vikings rowing towards the monastery. You'd want to be asleep, or saying the Rosary.
KELLY: Shall we commandeer it, t-Uasal?
MARCO: I wouldn't bother. It's a dead stead. Who controls the roads and roundabouts controls Connaught nowadays and not the Shannon river. And besides, it's in Offaly, which is not on our liberation roadmap this year as far as I recall.
KELLY: But sir, I'm from Offaly.
MARCO: Wherefrom, comrade soldier?
KELLY: Birr, sir.
MARCO: By god, hero, we'll take the castle there and raze it to the ground, returning the grounds back to the people. But we may need to push it out to the spring next year offensive, ok?
KELLY: Park it, sir?
MARCO: Let's take it off line. Now I have a posting for you, you can guard the lock on the River Suveen up by Poolbuck and make sure none of the Free State killers are coming up the wazoo in the rubber dinghys I saw them parading around O'Connell at the Easter Sunday parade. Take someone with you. Hide your faces.

23:53
COUNTESS: He's not Taoiseach anymore, Commandante. He’s announced that he is to retire.
MARCO: He's acting Taoiseach. The other fatso doesn't take over until next week. We'll have words with him before he leaves office.
COUNTESS: Why would he come to the Ballinafeck Soviet, sir, when he can just stay at home watching Manchester United TV?
MARCO: Because, I'll have his fecking bog oak needle. Dekko nicked it. He can come and get it if he wants it.

23:55
Note the following:

Daingean, a place where men of the cloth abused children with impunity with the knowledge and tacit support of Irish society, including doctors and law officials, as well as health ministry and education ministry officials. Offaly. Oblate order. Opened 1870. No history available.

23:56

Brothers in Arms:

[The staff for the betterment of boys was founded by Reverend JH Quested and his minions, whereas] each "Brother" having taken to his vocation as a labour of love. Indeed there are those among them, who have sacrificed a life of ease in the outer world that they might do something to reclaim the waifs and strays of our country, and put them in the way of becoming honest and useful members of society.

http://www.offalyhistory.com/content/reading_resources/books_articles/daingean_ref.htm [deprecated]

CF http://www.offalyhistory.com

23:59

And with flat cap removed, sleeves rolled up, identity tags removed, the Soldiers of Destiny get to work defending capital:

Witnesses said people as young as 16 were injured by batons. They said some suffered head injuries, while others were severely shocked. There has been criticism that at least one of the Gardai involved was not wearing his identification badge.

Tuesday 30 April: A republic of one. A republic of me. The iRepublic.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 01 Sep 2013 01:04:00 +0000