It's not that serious...

It's not that serious...until you get fired.

2012-01-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

SO back to the friggin' drawing board. Looking for a new job at probably the worst time possible in the history of looking for jobs. Luckily, I am a resourceful, intelligent, multi talented, highly motivated person.

Anyway, as much as it sucks to be unemployed right now it has afforded me some time to reflect on myself and my life and what I do and do not want in it and out of it.

I wasn't particularly happy or satisfied where I was...it was more or less just a paycheck, and with the line of work I am in it should be more than that. It should be rewarding and fun to go to work. That is, after all why I do what I do.

This may be my last blog in this particular blog. I may start a new one...one that is more positive and less emo-ish and pessimistic.

We'll see....wish me luck...I'm off to interview #2.

cheers.

Since I've been gone

2011-12-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

So since I last actually, seriously blogged...I moved from Chicago to Annapolis, MD. Midwest to East Coast was quite a change, but I think a much needed one. I got a job right away...and have since been let go. Yeah, I know...sucks to suck.

To be fair, it wasn't entirely my fault, and I think it just wasn't as good of a fit for me as I had previously thought.

I only regret not looking into a few more options fuly before accepting that position.

Hopefully something will pan out from the 30+ resumes I've sent out since last Thursday.
I've got some temp work this week but nothing truly monetarily promising. For now I am going to take what I can get until the exact right thing turns up...and I'm sure it will.

My sensitive, emo soul is hard to keep in check. I am naturally emotional and easily affected by the slightest things emotionally. It is a daily battle to remind myself to let the little things go, focus on the big picture, and that it can ALWAYS be worse. I'm still working on that...

I had a birthday since I last blogged and am now living the last year of my life in my twenties.
Which, is also slightly depressing just because I know I could've done so much more with myself.

I welcomed a nephew into the world since I last blogged...Evan James on October 14th. He is beautiful, and perfect and I love him to bits.

I will get to spend 4 straight days with him in less than 72 hours. I am beyond excited.

I hope everyone has a joyous and safe holiday with their loved ones...I will blog again after Christmas!

Alright so I lied

2011-12-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Turns out....I broke a promise to the 2 people who probably read this....

Apologies. Lucky for you, I've just come up on some extra free time. So...this time, I promise...I will post real blogs with REAL interesting and important information. I actually can't promise the latter part of that sentence but it'd be cool if it happens on accident.

Anyway, tomorrow starts new blogging. I have to figure out what is going on with the blogger website. I've been gone so long that everythings different. Ugh. Hate that.

Long lost author returns!

2011-09-21T17:05:00.001-07:00

I'm drunk...realized I need to blog more...reset my forgotten password...and will uphold my promise to return with new, exciting blogs! Okay...maybe not exciting, but definetly new.

Nighty night.

How can my heart break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

2011-06-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

I put everything I have into everything I do. Jobs, relationships...they get my all.

So why is it...that I feel I don't ever get people's "all"?

Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe if I stop expecting it I'll get it someday. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong people.

I just don't want to settle for anything less than what I want and deserve, and I feel like I am constantly doing that.

If you love someone....you say it. Simple as that.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

2011-05-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in almost 2 months...that seems wrong. I should really try for at least ONCE a month, I mean geez. It's the least I could do taking up valuable interweb space.

So let's see...I don't really have anything monumental to divulge, but we'll just go ahead and throw out what's been going on since March 27th.

April...there was rain...lot's of it. The boyfriend's birthday came and went, and we are not the same age again. I really hate those 3 months in between that I'm older. Makes me feel weird. Even though there's no reason it should.

More about the boy...he is finally opening up more and making me feel like there is a future to this relationship. We've had a lot of fun recently and it's mostly due to that fact. I find it easier to relax, be open, and comfortable with him, knowing he sees me in the distant future. We've planned a Vermont trip in July, and a trip to Minnesota for a New Years Day Bears game. =D woot! He came to Easter family dinner, as well as a family Birthday party...all within a month. I praise and glorify him. haha. He's a brave dude.

Moving on...my 20 year old sister is pregnant. Yep.

There goes the societal order of things in this family.

It was supposed to be me getting engaged, and married, and having a baby. I'm the oldest, and I just pictured things differently.

But...things are, instead...all three of my parents children in their twenties, living at home, one jobless, one pregnant, and one who feels like she still has a chance to make everyone proud of her.

Memorial day is coming up this weekend, and I'm hoping to just have a great relaxing, care free time with my man, and our friends and family.

Til next time...

We are always running for the thrill of it...

2011-03-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it.

I think it's kinda funny

2011-03-10T10:31:00.000-08:00

Things can change so quickly. Sometimes, within the blink of an eye. Sometimes, it's hard to even pinpoint the exact moment things changed. Sometimes, it doesn't matter because whatever changed is for the better and has pasted your face with a permanent smile, and all you can think about is rainbows, butterflies, and baskets of kittens. There's no reason to search and sift through your memories to find that split millisecond in time where your universe shifted, because the change has made you blissfully, and ridiculously happy. It's then that change is praised, and accepted, rather than cursed upon. Like when whatever changes in your life leaves you devastated, and huddled in the corner. Lost for words, and scouring through your brain to try and discover what happened and when to make things the way they have become. Hours spent lying awake, wishing...hoping for an answer that sometimes never comes.

It's funny, how volatile our relationship is with change. It is a necessary evil in this world though...because sometimes, things need to change.

And I wonder, when I sing along with you...

2011-03-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

If everything could ever feel this real forever.

If anything could ever be this good again....

Right now. I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Squint your eyes, and look closer...

2011-03-05T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not between you and your ambition.

I'm not that girl...

Mind is a razorblade

2011-02-28T15:51:00.000-08:00

I have trouble sleeping at night. Mostly, because I don't know how to turn off my thoughts. Unless under the influence of alcohol or mary jane, it takes hours for my mind to finally exhaust itself from the chaos inside.

Any recommendations?

I yearn for simplicity

2011-02-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

Which feels unattainable in such a complicated world...

I think...

2011-02-27T14:28:00.001-08:00

I may be the only person my age who hasn't been to Vegas. I wanna go. This year.

That is all.

Seriously...

2011-02-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

I must be fucking kidding myself. I need to just grow a set, and get on with it.

Even diamonds start as coal...

2011-02-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I can name all the reasons that I love you. I wonder if you can do the same, or if you even love me at all. Love isn't perfect...and I think many people expect it to be. If perfection is what you seek, I fear you will end up alone. I will gladly take the good with the bad to be with you, can you say the same?

Just tell me I'm here for a reason.

2011-02-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

It always feels like there is just one person in the world to love....and then you find someone else, and you wonder why you were ever worried in the first place.

I have always made it clear that I simply do not believe there is only one soul mate for each of us. I mean, come on. That would be such a stupid system. Everyone has multiple soul mates. This is just the way it is.

Now, maybe you'll only need one of yours in your lifetime. That's great...that's wonderful. Some of us may need more than one.

I've been through my fair share of heart breaks....the kind that shattered my world and left me with nothing. Literally...no job, no house...not even a bed. I mean...all I had were my clothes and some pillows. I guess technically that's something, but I made it out alive.

I'm still standing...still breathing...

I find myself constantly thinking about the entire concept of love, and the previous statements I made...are what I really believe. So I wonder then, why it's so hard for me to live by them?

I know that I am a person who deserves love, and is ready and open to share my life. I want that...I've always wanted that. Yet, I always find myself with someone who holds back from me.

And then I start to think...maybe...maybe I don't deserve it...what am I doing wrong....am I meant to be alone?

I don't know...and being in love with a person and not knowing where they stand is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world.

I'm a strong person...but I can only take so much. Because just as I am strong, I am resilient as well...

Even though I know better...

2011-02-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

I stick around.

Even though I deserve better...I stick around.

Even though I know things you think I don't....I stick around.

This doesn't mean I don't care...it means you don't care enough.

Maybe it doesn't mean that either, but if not...you should tell me.

I won't wait forever, even though right now it seems I will.

My heart can only take so much...your secrets will eat away at me and break me down.

My love's too big for you my love...

And no, I don't believe in soul mates...but I believe in love...and I believe in ever afters, and I want one all my own.

I don't want to be the second choice...over the one that you let go.

If none of this can change...and you leave me high and dry...I won't shed a tear for the love that you let die.

Maybe I was meant to be left behind.

2010-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

I feel there have been very VERY few people in my life who have accepted me for everything I am. The good and the bad. It always seems that people expect me to be perfect, and want to hold my mistakes above my head.

I tend to love, ssacrafice, and hurt more than I should...

Right now...at this very moment...I wish I could be selfish, I wish I cared more about myself and less about everyone else.

I wish I felt loved...I wish I felt like I meant something to someone.

Right now...at this very moment...I don't feel like it would make any difference if I just disspeared.

It's a rush I can't explain.

2010-09-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

I really wonder sometimes if he has even the slightest idea of just how much I'm in this....

True or false, it may be she's still out to get me.

2010-08-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

I know that I can be a hard person to handle. I think this is mostly because I am extremely outspoken, and don't really take bullshit. My father claims that I'm ignorant, but really...I'm not.
My mother tells me I need to take the bullshit comments people throw at me.
I strongly disagree with both of them. In certain situations, I am aware I will be required to deal with a certain amount of bullshit, especially from work. but that's life...I get that parents. I shouldn't have to have a family filled with people that are unsupportive and judgemental. Fuck off.
So, I've come up with a plan of action. As much as I'd like to continue to not pay rent...and as lonely as living alone is...the goal is just that. Getting the fuck out of dodge. I simply value my sanity more than living rent free. So I'll begin with paying off my car. Double payments should take care of that within several months. Pay off some outstanding bills to get that shit off my credit report...and then start buying shit that I will use to furnish my future dumpy apartment while stashing some cash as well.

I honestly and truly do not like being angry. I'm a pretty bubbly person...I am a chatterbox, and love to laugh. Sticking me in this tense, stressful environment is like leaving a flower in the dark....ripping wings off a butterfly...it's cruel. I gotta get out.

Ideas pull the trigger, but Instinct loads the gun.

2010-08-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

Never assume, cause...well, you probably know why. But I won't assume you do ;) People can surprise you. Communication is key in any important relationship in your life. Never be afraid to be honest. Never let the truth be an after-thought. I hope that all the people in my life respect me enough to give me at least that. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings...I have been through tougher times than you may know. I've always come out on my feet, and more resilient than before. This is not to say that I don't fall apart once in a while, or shed a tear here or there. But I don't ever want to be an obligation to anyone. I want you to want me in your life, and if you don't...then just simply say so. Because if you're in mine, it's because I want you there.

xoxo

Punch List

2010-08-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of pent of aggression right now for various reasons, all of which are not worth discussing...rather I'm just going to hate on some random shit.

Things I want to punch in the face:

1. Precious Moments.
-I used to enjoy them, but only because my grandma collected them. So naturally my mother did as well, and I was like oh...well I guess I'll have to too...not. They're stupid, pastel, pieces of shit, wastes of money. Why in fuck would I want a bunch of those doe-eyed bullshit statues sitting around my house like I'm an 80 year old cat lady. No thank you.

2. Designer Fakes.
-Owned one, never will again. Spend the money on the real thing, or don't bother. I don't like fake people so why would I like fake Fendi? Makes no sense.

3. Hair extensions.
-Really? It's much sexier to be able to rock what you've got. I'm tired of all these fake nail'd, fake tanned, fake boobed, fake haired bitches thinking they're something. If you were, you wouldn't need fake everything.

4. Shark Week,
- I don't fucking like sharks to begin with, and because of my mother allowing me to watch Jaws as a child I have been afraid of even stepping foot into water deeper than my waist including Lake Michigan. Especially if I can't see the bottom.

5. People who cheat on their significant others.
-I'm talking all venues of cheating. Hiding things, having emotional talks with another person instead of your bf/gf, and of course physically. I see a relationship as a partnership/friendship/safe place where you can be yourself. You are supposed to let that person in, share things, have fun, and trust each other. I'm not saying you can't have time to yourself to have your own hobbies, or go out with the guys/girls once in a while. But if you're gonna cheat...give the person the common decency and let them go. Don't be a scumbag.

6. One-uppers.
-You know the person...the one where you're having a conversation and mention that this week your allergies have been terrible, and they say, "Mine too I almost died...twice."
Fuck off.

7. People who can't handle real life.
-Don't complain to me about how hard your life is when you planned on/chose to have kids, a mortgage, car payment, cable, a fancy new phone, dogs, and can't pay the bills or feed your family. Get a job, or another job, and stop drinking at the bar every night. Shut the fuck up. We all have bills.

8. People who think they're better than than everyone else.
-Excuse me, I don't know what exactly gave you that impression but you shit, piss, and breath the same as the rest of us, so get your head out of your ass.

9. The smell of popcorn...especially microwaved.
-There's something about that smell that for whatever reason I can almost equate it the smell of vomit, or farts sometimes. It's quite off putting.

10. Mosquitoes.
-Not that I feel this one needs elaboration, but they quite literally suck. Especially because they wreaked havoc upon my favorite species of bird (the crow) a while back and nearly eradicated them from existence in these parts. Lucky for me, they're making a comeback this year :)

Barf bags are not included in this blog...read at your own risk.

2010-08-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sooo today is the start to an extremely long weekend. The boy is in Vegas until monday night. He hasn't even been gone a full 24 hours and I already miss him like crazy. I'm a dork. It's been just 5 months and I couldn't have imagined being this happy. I love being around him (when neither of us is crabby ;) ), he is just awesome to me. He's smarter than people probably know, he's funny, sweet, and, close your eyes to avoid the over-share, pretty great in the sack. Here's hoping we get to share many more great times in the future.

xoxo

And yet again...

2010-08-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

I will be starting another new job. I feel crappy everytime I have to start a new job. But whatever, I have to see if this time I'll be able to make some money. I've given my current employer since May, and nothing has changed. So starting August 23rd...I will hopefully have extra money to save.

I had other things on my mind that I wanted to get out of my head and into this blog, but unfortunately my inconsiderate, waste of life of a brother walked passed me just now while I was typing and continued to spew bullshit nonsense out of his face. So I forgot what I wanted to say....fuck this.

2010-07-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I really never pictured my life at 27 being what it is now. I mean, who would? Broke, living at home, shit job, shit car....
Yeah, no one.

My climb to the top is long and steep, but despite whatever is thrown my way I don't have an option to stop...or turn around. It's onward, and upwards. I have no other choice.

I just don't know how I let myself fall so far.