effing the ineffable

Diarhyea

2017-05-14T13:48:00.002+10:00

My brain is not working. My mind is unable to find a way out of this. I don't want to go back on medication, it feels like failure and I KNOW that's fucking stupid but there you go. My mind is fucking with me. My depression doesn't want me to get better. It fills my head with cotton wool. The air is like wading through porridge. I'm slow and stupid and broken and useless and wrong.

Another fkn diary entry

2017-05-09T00:59:00.000+10:00

I am so dumb. I mean, in certain ways. I know that in general I'm fucking smart, perceptive, and know a shitload of stuff. I am also smart enough to grasp my limitations and, sadly, perceive my declining intellect.

But some things. Fuck me. Nearly thirty years of adult life and I'm still being surprised about stuff that other people seem to have grasped in their infancy. For instance it only just occurred to me the other day that most people don't think about suicide all the time.

I mean, I get that in the depths of my depression last year I was thinking about killing myself an abnormal amount - and with a level of detail that was definitely indicative of psychosis. But what I didn't understand or think to tell my doctor or therapist was that thinking about suicide was normal for me. A daily thing.

I didn't think to let anyone know about the baseline because I had no idea it wasn't normal. How fucked is that? What an idiot.

Diary?

2017-05-07T12:30:00.001+10:00

I have to be ok with not being ok. Acceptance and all that bullshit. That's one of the hardest parts, especially since I struggle to accept that I'm depressed at all. Despite diagnoses, despite obvious signs, despite the fact I have known this for years without properly facing it.

Talking about it with others helps, though that's another struggle altogether - being open about being crazy. I've done a bit of that this weekend and it's exhausting. And seems to have no effect on quieting my mind or resolving my thoughts.

But it has to be good for me, right? Everyone says it is and they can't be wrong. I hope one day to notice the benefits.

Hello diary dearest

2017-04-29T23:50:00.002+10:00

Today has been an ok day. Not great, but not terrible.

It's not down, so it looks like up to me.

I even managed to vacuum my apartment so I guess I'm planning on being here a bit longer.

Yo, diary

2017-04-28T23:12:00.001+10:00

In trying to navigate my way through this noisome morass of mental illness I'm put in the aggravating position of not being able to talk about it with most people due to the way they react. Or, more accurately, the way I react to their reactions.

The ones who blankly don't understand or care to understand are the least of the problem. They, on the whole, are the fuckheads I wouldn't want to share details about my emotional state with anyway. I've been slow at realising who those people are unfortunately, especially one in particular. Blinded by fake empathy and, if I'm honest, an extremely pretty face.

The ones who offer endless ideas about how I can get better are irritating and exasperating but I get that they are coming from a place of trying to help. They're usually trying to help fix a problem I don't have though, due to a lack of understanding or imagination. And of course some of them are just fucking idiots, or assume me to be a fellow fucking idiot.

But if I have to put up with one more deluge of 'caring' from another overwrought sympathetic twat I will fucking scream. Jesus H Christ on a fucking skateboard I don't need you to be fawning and gushing with performative compassion. Who is this supposed to benefit? Do you see me melting into a puddle because your unexpected warmth in this cold, hostile world melted my stony reserve? No, you fucking don't. Because this isn't a fucking disease of the week tv movie.

Get the fuck over yourselves and leave off the exaggerated care & pity. I don't need you to feel sorry for me - I feel sorry enough for myself to last a lifetime. Tell me something interesting instead. Talk to me. Engage my brain. If you really want to get at my heart you should know you have to get there via my mind or you don't know me at all.

This post brought to you by the words bile and spleen, and the letter fuck off.

Hey diary

2017-04-27T21:54:00.000+10:00

Today I managed to get viciously, bitterly envious of other mental illnesses. Like the bipolar. Everybody loves those assholes, they're sooo much fun. Twats.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Except when they're not fun. Sure. Except when they're hiding in a darkened room because they think they're being watched. Except when they're gibbering in the corner or throwing a brick through your window or sobbing in the bath.

But people will mostly remember how much fun they are.

Depressives though? No-one like a depressive. Not even another depressive. Not even the actual depressive themselves. Which I guess is the whole point, if there is a point which there isn't because this is a meaningless and infinite and cold universe which cares not a jot for your successes or failures or mediocrities or other mediocrities or yet more mediocrities or.. well, you get my (mediocre) point.

Anyway.

Those 'fun' crazies? Fuck 'em.

Dear diary...

2017-04-26T16:34:00.002+10:00

Called in sick today because I was unable to sleep last night and couldn't get out of bed this morning. I'm too embarrassed to say I'm depressed and a basket case so just said that I had gastro. Better that people think I'm simultaneously vomiting up my spleen and jetting toxic waste out my arse than there's something wrong with my brain.

I'm pretty slow on the uptake so I'm only just beginning to understand this is what my life is like now and probably for the foreseeable future. I have good days and bad days. On the good days it seems ridiculous that I could let something as transient as 'the way I feel' affect what I do so fundamentally. On the bad days I forget that there's any light or joy in the universe and the thought of human interaction is terrifying.

Sometimes those days can happen in the course of a single day. Several times.

This evening I have to go to the gym then travel across town to go to a friend's gallery opening. The thought of either of those things fills me with stomach-lurching horror. I would literally prefer to carve banshee wails into my own flesh than leave my apartment. I've never been into self-harm but if I thought there was any way that cutting myself would help I'd be up to my elbow in a fucking food processor.

Fuck. I have to go.

Kill me.

hello old friend

2013-03-17T14:39:00.000+11:00

I've missed you.

2010-11-23T16:22:00.000+11:00

mice & men

2010-09-21T11:11:00.000+10:00

My plan (as far as these things go with me, i.e. not far) for September was to attempt a post a day. Nothing big, just a few lines and a pic maybe. Which all got fairly spectacularly derailed by the earthquake back home.

The resulting time in Christchurch really should have provided me with plenty of blog-fodder but I found myself far too exhausted and busy to write much. Since I've been back it's taken the better part of a week to recover from the aftershocks, sleeplessness and general agitation so writing has been pretty non-existent. Plus I'm missing being in New Zealand so much at the moment - despite the circumstances it was wonderful seeing so many friends and catching up.

Again I'm wondering what I'm doing in Sydney and how long I'll be here.

still

2010-09-13T22:37:00.000+10:00

Back in Australia now. In geologically torpid Sydney. Christchurch saw me off with a lovely rolling magnitude 4.0.

So the earth hasn't moved for me here. My heart races when a heavy truck goes past though - fortunately my apartment doesn't suffer from that very often. It's going to take a little while to completely shake that reaction - there's something deeply unsettling about the ground on which you stand shaking so often.

Right now I'm off to my bed to sleep long and deep.

outta hair like, well.. me

2010-09-12T23:42:00.000+10:00

I've had enough. I'm off back to el Syd tomorrow and Sydney's firm geological footing has never looked so attractive.

The earthquakes are getting much more sporadic but they're still pulse elevating. We just had a little one about 15 minutes ago - it's not on Geonet yet but I reckon it was only a 3.8 tops. I think I'm getting pretty good at gauging the strength of tremors - to within a couple of decimal points.

Anyway, I hope the big aftershock doesn't happen tonight 'cause it's freezing and bucketing down out there. I'm more concerned about being cold than of being crushed to death. What can I say, I more about personal comfort than safety.

I'll be following the clean up and recovery from Australia and will be back again in a few months to see how things are progressing. I have to say I'm not so hopeful for some of Christchurch's lovely old buildings. The whole architectural tone of the city is going to be changed long-term. I just hope someone with an eye for aesthetics gets a say...

shattered

2010-09-11T19:46:00.000+10:00

Shovelling silt, carting bricks and carrying furniture has killed me. I'm exhausted and beginning to come down with a cold. I have to get back to Sydney and recuperate. Eight hours a day of data cleansing has never looked so attractive.

Of course the late night drinking last night hasn't helped matters either. On I think my fourteenth trudge up eight flights of stairs carrying a table my legs started to shake - partly from the exertion, partly from hungoveredness.. It's been awesome seeing people and hanging out, even amidst the devastation, but my liver and sleep patterns will thank me for leaving.

Right, I'm off back to bed.

clean up

2010-09-09T18:34:00.000+10:00

Spent the day shovelling silt out of peoples homes and gardens. Am too knackered to write coherently. Sleep now.

This is my shovel. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My shovel is my best friend. It is my life.

rude awakening

2010-09-08T19:43:00.000+10:00

Today started with a serious jolt - at 7:50am there was a 5.2 magnitude quake with a bunch of smaller mates. Centered pretty much on my folks' house too. I'm beginning to feel a little persecuted. Though the rest of today has been much calmer.

Tomorrow I start early with the volunteer clean up crew. It's going to be a long day of shovelling silt I think. Wheee.

I think I mentioned yesterday but the Christchurch Quake Map is a brilliant, if rather unsettling (ha!), site. Check it out.

Right, must sleep now and focus on not dying in the night.

tired, so very tired..

2010-09-07T21:18:00.000+10:00

I don't have many words - I've been using them all on Facebook and in text messages. Apologies if I've missed keeping in touch with anyone but it's been a bit of a busy few days. The quakes seem to have quietened down now and I choose to believe this is because it's all over rather than (as some geologists are saying) there's a bigger aftershock to come. Fucking doom merchants.

I've gone from flippant to excited to nervous to shit scared to edgy to numb. Adrenaline and coffee can only carry you for so long - the nerves fray and catatonia sets in. Especially after a few beers. I'll put up the email I sent last night at some stage, it encapsulates Monday pretty well - even though it was written just before the wee swarm of 4 to 5+ strength shakes around midnight. It wasn't a restful night.

Anyway, here are some photos from the days after the quake. Credits to Eroica and Greg.

a few cones should solve that..


a good fixer-upper

al fresco dining

we're going to need a big broom

hand of god..?

wall, meet car - now be friends

I can see your crack

illiterate teens

just a minor pothole

no morning papers today

plenty of free bricks

the front fell off

PS: Like many people - when I can I've been glued to GeoNet - it's been an awesome resource and a great way to focus on something other than being frightened.

PPS: This Christchurch quake map is the best way to explain the number and intensity of the quakes over the past few days - makes me incredibly glad I wasn't here on Saturday. All it needs is a percussive soundtrack.

update

2010-09-06T21:50:00.000+10:00

I'm in Christchurch - it's still shaking. I'm over it. Australia has it's problems but at least the ground doesn't try to kill you.

like living on a jelly*

2010-09-05T13:49:00.007+10:00

Bugger this - I'm off to Christchurch. Hope there's some of it left when I get there.

Here's Eroica's blog about the quake - I'm torn between being so sorry I'm not there (yet) and so glad I wasn't there when it hit. Plus a photographic round-up of the wreckage from a site appropriately (and unrelatedly) named crashbang. Love the obligatory drunken yobs cavorting in the ruins shot halfway down.

Here's my fave though - by Eroica:

Clock stopped at 4:38am...

* my dad's description of what it's like with all the aftershocks. He seems to be at most faintly amused by the whole thing - my parents are annoyingly unflappable..

all shook up

2010-09-04T17:19:00.000+10:00

Sucks to be away from home when all the exciting stuff is happening..

Still I'm very glad not to be still working at the aquarium, that'll be one hell of a clean up in there. It's also encouraging that the earthquake preparedness of buildings in NZ has been pretty effective - although if it had been 4:30 in the afternoon rather than the morning I'm sure the casualties would have been much worse.

This 7.1 quake is bigger than we've had in my lifetime. I'm kinda glad I wasn't subjected to it but I wish I was there for the people I love. Wish I was there to take some photos too..

link lasso

2010-09-03T14:37:00.000+10:00

A few things that have been amusing, interesting or horrifying me lately (you can figure out for yourself which label is appropriate..):

Bugger iPhones - I want one of these! Well, only if they actually work.
Pictures of men of unflappable coolness: #10 and #4 are the best I reckon.
Smiling tubes of fat. Awwww.
Pulitzer prize winning but still difficult to read.
I knew it!
I know I've plugged it before but Digger is ramping up to a climactic ending. Start here - it's funny, touching and beautiful.

Finally, it's pretty crowded out there. I hope they don't visit any time soon..

from little things..

2010-09-02T16:12:00.000+10:00

Something I like: urban decay. Especially when plants sprout out of cracks in walls and paving, which is quite a common thing in Sydney: ferns would take over this city given half a chance. Most days I come to work more than half hoping that there's been a miraculous explosion of plant growth overnight and the place has been swallowed by jungle.

Perhaps one day...

sproinnggg

2010-09-01T11:48:00.005+10:00

Today is the first day of the rest of the sweating season. Spring has arrived with the implied threat of summer heat to come, and swiftly. In the meantime it's beautiful in Sydney at this time of year with the trees tarting themselves up like the wanton insect-whores they are.

Well hello Sphingidae...

it's an allegory, apparently..

2010-08-26T18:42:00.000+10:00

I may have alluded in the past to the giggling man-crush I have on Paul Verhoeven (no, not the director) and Luke Ryan (Tramdalf was one of their earlier escapades) but their 'see no evil, hear no evil' review of The Human Centipede had me squealing with glee*.

And retching. Violently. Especially after reading the synopsis on Wikipedia..

Read the review here. It's a brilliant piece and it'll save you watching the film. Although if you have any desire to watch it after seeing the time-lapse footage of their reactions you're a sick sick puppy..

Actually, if you're at all squeamish you shouldn't even read the review. Best to ignore that the movie even exists. I hope never to see - or hear - it.

On the other hand - Scott Pilgrim v s The World is awesome. I lesbians it.

* in a manly way, of course..

prolific

2010-08-24T12:54:00.001+10:00

This is just so cool I think everyone should be watching it:

To be honest I rate P. K. Dick slightly higher than Bradbury but that's very much a personal taste thing.

Happy birthday Ray!

issues

2010-08-23T23:47:00.000+10:00

Here's my considered commentary on the recent Australian Federal Election:

(with a photobombing assist from Eroica).

Normalesque transmission to resume shortly - once work calms to shorter than 9 hour days and the epic email exchange with my ex concludes..