मैं नहीं चाहती की मुझको तुम से प्यार हो

2010-01-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

मैं नहीं चाहती की मुझको तुम से प्यार हो
न आज, न कभी और
मैं नहीं चाहती मुझे तुमपर विश्वास हो

मैं चाहती हूँ , मैं ढूँढ पाऊं अपने रास्ते और उनपर कहीं
मुझे वोह मिले जिसकी - तलाश थी हरदम
यूँ तुम मेरे सामने खड़े हो कर
मेरे रास्तों से खेल मत खेलो

कई बार बहुत प्यार करते करते
सब रास्ते बह जाने दिए
कभी सोचा ही नहीं, कि मुझे चाहिए क्या?
कब किसी और का ख्वाब मेरा हो गया...

बस हुए यह भ्रम, यह खेल, यह रिश्ते जहाँ से
कल फिर अधूरी झांकूंगी

मेरे मन मैं वोह विश्वास नहीं है जो मेरी आँखों मैं हो शायाद...
मैं यह किवाड़ खोल सकती नहीं
मैं नहीं चाहती की मुझको तुम से प्यार हो
न आज, न कभी और
मैं नहीं चाहती मुझे तुमपर विश्वास हो
मैं नहीं चाहती.. फिर भी..
बह जाने से पहले कि उथल पुथल ... कुछ याद तो है मुझको...

Belief

2010-01-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

Does believing in something good necessarily imply that one must believe in existence of its opposite as well?

Sometimes one has the ability to see the brighter side of things, smiles and kind gestures and sometimes nothing but darkness… and sometimes people are at such a stage in life that light fills their hearts and sometimes, they just get used to operating out of darkness… but does one obviously imply the existence of the other? When I see a person operating out of darkness and I try and show them the light that I see, I sometimes wonder, am I wrong to do what I am doing, because it is a fact that the darkness that they see is as much there… but isn’t that true for the light I see too?

As a child I used to have nightmares, I used to wake up and nights and couldn’t go back to sleep (it wasn’t a constant thing or anything like that, but I remember that it happened). I remember a night at my aunt’s house when I sat up in the middle of the night, too scared to go back to sleep… my nani was sleeping beside me and told me that I should keep reciting ram ram ram ram and sleep would come and nothing bad will happen. I must have been six then. So I slept reciting ram ram ram ram, and I slept peacefully. I think by the time I was seven I had decided that ghosts or bad dreams didn’t worry me after all. Somehow, I reached a decision very consciously… I decided that I believed in ghosts and spirits and all those things that may be out there that we may not even know the names of… but that I also believed with all my heart, in God. And if I believed in God, there was no reason to fear anything, because God after all was God, and I will be protected, come what may!

In the next few years, I learnt another very important lesson about my relationship with God. I learnt that religion did not matter, I pray in a certain manner because I am used to praying in that manner and I do not follow the exact ritual in any case (for whatever reason I light 1 diya for dhanteras, 9 for choti diwali and 29 for diwali – my mother has no idea why I have these exact numbers in my head, but I just do; I used to celebrate Krishna’s birthday at 12 am and not the declared pooja time as if I were wishing a best friend on the eve of his birthday and not conducting a ritual on janamashthmi ), but God has nothing to do with religion.

At 11, I was in love with Krishna. Completely. As if he were a human I could actually be in love with. I started writing for him, I was Radha and Meera and Andala and every cell in my body and soul felt unparalleled love… and in that I realised that one is not to fear God but to love God, and one is not to fear love but to love – love…

There are enough instances in life to prove otherwise. And I can’t narrate half as many to prove my thesis, but I know that even as I fear… making the wrong choices, trusting the wrong people, beong wronged and feeling unloved… I operate from belief and love, and something tells me, if I do, despite life, there must be something to it… and if I am as mad as I sometimes think I am... there must be something to that too.

One moment at a time

मैं नहीं चाहती की मुझको तुम से प्यार हो

Belief