Absurdities Abounding

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T17:37:00.001-05:00

As we all forget how to write the correct year for at least a month, let's all agree to hold one irrefutable fact firmly in mind throughout the new year.

...

Penguins don't have ears.

Don't believe the hat.

Happy 2012!

Friday Re-Post: "(1) is the new (2)"

2011-12-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently, only one of these Office updates is important . . . but they aren't going to tell me which one.

Triple Savings

2011-12-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, I think we can find more than TRIPLE SAVINGS:

Instant 10% Off
Coupon 12% Off
Combo Discount Varies
FREE SHIPPING
70% Off MSRP
On-line Shopping (Saving gas $)
Order by phone via TOLL-FREE NUMBER (Saving long distance charges)
At-home Shopping (Saving time)

That's OCTUPLE SAVINGS, just right there!

Can anyone suggest even more savings?

2011-12-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

True Story:

Recently, upon receiving a parts order from Newegg, I opened the box to find several packets of complimentary coffee included with the rest of my order. While this wouldn't be particularly surprising if Newegg sold, say, coffee accessories or kitchen utensils for breakfast preparation, it doesn't.

It sells computer equipment, like a giant Best Buy without the physical stores.

And with free coffee samples.

_______

Hogood Coffee provides Tasting Notes for the discerning coffee drinker who, when serving coffee to guests after dinner, wishes to appear cosmopolitan in their conversation.

"Now, Jo Anne, I'd like to get your opinion of this evening's coffee. I find this particular Yunnan blend to be sweet and slightly smoky while sweet, as well as fragrant and rich. If it suits our Battleship Club, we may have Harold order some computer parts so he can get more of this coffee."

Sadly, I feel that the significance of the Flavor Intensity chart may have been lost on the graphic designers. While listing the varying shades of Intensity is an important first step, some coffee consumers prefer to know where the coffee they'll be brewing falls on the scale. (FYI, this particular packet was somewhere between "Feisty" and "Surly.")

"You've never heard of Hunnan Hogood Coffee? Man, you need to get *out* more!"

CAUTION HORSES

2011-12-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

What's worse than a "CAUTION HORSES" sign?

Seeing a "CAUTION HORSES" sign on an EMPTY TRAILER.

<thunderclap>

They could be anywhere ... even RIGHTBEHINDYOU!

_______

Or, if you're a member of PETA, you could always read this as a warning directed to the horses themselves.

"Caution, Horses. Humans, while occasionally known to provide apples, carrots and sugar cubes, have also been known to catch careless horses and make them ride in this little trailer behind their 4x4 trucks."

What PETA doesn't know is that Mr. Ed learned to speak, but was illiterate.

FOR THE GRID IRON

2011-12-05T19:30:00.000-05:00

The dress code for players "on the field" is heading in a new direction.

Next Season:

Refs in Tuxedos
Coaches in Suit Coats
Cheerleaders in Ball Gowns
Medical Assistants in Lab Jackets and Stethoscopes
Marching Band Members in Polos and Khakis*

*I mean, come on Bandies. Everybody knows how cool you are because you can march and play an instrument simultaneously. There's no need for the hubris of your current costume choices.

Friday Re-post: "NeveR Heard Of It"

2011-12-02T07:30:00.000-05:00

Originally posted 01/29/2010

_______

Nega-Restricted: Even safer than G
No Rioting: For those really "incite-ful" films
Not Really: You think you're going to see a movie, but we're not turning the projector on.

See The World

2011-12-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

Round-trip Trucking to Independence, Kentucky courtesy of "End of the Work Day"

Peanut Butter contains what?!?

2011-11-30T07:30:00.000-05:00

From: "Jason C."
To: "Rob T."

Gayle will sit there and explain all the legal reasons why it must be there, but I thought there is something "absurd" about putting a warning on a jar of peanut butter that it contains peanuts (especially so close to the very prominent "Peanut Butter"). Consequently, I thought you might want it for your blog (if you don't, I won't be upset... it's your blog, after all).

Jason C.
www.corfyscorner.com
Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
----------------------------------------------
           Take back the Internet!
www.getfirefox.com and www.getthunderbird.com
----------------------------------------------
        Get Legal - Get LibreOffice
         http://www.libreoffice.org

_______

But was it processed in a facility that ALSO processed peanuts? - Ed.

Flash and Slate, Their Faithful Steeds

2011-11-29T07:30:00.000-05:00

Wait, who IS that?

Oh, my ... could it really be?

It is! It's the King of Columbus and his Retinue of Fair Princesses!

---

But really, if anyone can clue me in here, I'd be much obliged.

Of all the things I was expecting to encounter on my Saturday bike ride, a horse-drawn carriage half-full of royalty was NOT one of them.

Lending made personal

2011-11-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

If lending were made anonymous, I don't think the banks would have as much luck getting paid back.

Potential sources of our Marketing Couple's Overwhelming Joy

Clean shirts
Jazz hands
Almost any purpose to borrow money. (Sadly, smuggling endangered species into your personal petting zoo isn't one of the approved purposes.)
Small Print
Application via phone, online, or Neighborhood Office. (They'll even take applications via telegraph, if your Morse Code isn't too rusty.)

Born on this street

2011-11-03T23:32:00.000-04:00

Born on the street ...
Raised in a barn ...
Drawn inexplicably to the political arena ...

A Rags-to-Politics Story: The Life and Times of Kristin Brown.

Dry Creek Water Park

2011-10-16T22:04:00.000-04:00

Marketing Brainstorm for Dry Creek Water Park's 2012 Season:

"Water you waiting for?!?"
"Looking for fun? Just add water ... please!"
"H2O-ho-ho Nellie!"
"Up a creek without a paddle? No problem!"

Compact

2011-10-11T07:06:00.000-04:00

Today's Absurdity is courtesy of Donna, who was also thoughtful enough to place a can opener next to The Compact Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary, for a size reference.

I need to look up the meaning of the word 'compact'.

I do not think it means what they think it means.

Be Respectful

2011-10-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

I propose the following sign amendments.

CRYING (BASEBALL)
DEFACING (THIS SIGN)
SCOOTERING (SCOOTING?)
WHINING (OR WHINGING)
QUARTER ASKED OR GIVEN (BASKETBALL)
BLOOD (NO FOUL)
MIMING ( . )

No Parking

2011-10-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

Watch "Vilnius Mayor A.Zuokas Fights Illegally Parked Cars with Tank" on YouTube

The Tell Tale Watch

2011-09-14T09:14:00.000-04:00

"I suppose that's the funny thing," Jenny said morosely, staring out the window. "This whole thing is just making me sick."

"Mmhmm. That is funny. Tell me, Jenny; do you feel more threatened by this new timepiece than you do by the microorganisms you battle as 'The Human Leukocyte'?"

Jenny looked at Doctor Matterhorn with surprise. "You know my story, Doc. I never wanted to be a hero. But when that freak accident gave me the ability to actively fight diseases by becoming part of another's immune system, that's not something you just walk away from. I've faced every pathogen head-on; I never backed down. But now, what's the use?"

Dr. Matterhorn peered over his glasses at his patient. "Can you elaborate on this, Miss Micron?"

"Do you know what the Wellness Watch does? It emits therapeutic healing ions. Ions, Dr. Matterhorn. Ions that lower blood pressure, improve circulation, relieve stress, increase mental alertness and strengthen the immune system. I used to think that was MY job." Jenny gazed off into the distance, lackadaisical and numb.

"Yes, I'm astutely aware of the medical benefits of the Wellness Watch. I am a doctor, you know. But I thought the ions only reached the areas of the body in direct contact with the watch itself. Are you suggesting ..."

Jenny remained unresponsive for a slow count to five, then sighed deeply. "Haven't you seen the latest diagram? They show the focal points of the Wellness Watch in sickening detail: The right ankle, the left knee, the right hip, the left wrist, even the heart."

"Even the heart," Dr. Matterhorn echoed, scratching session notes into the notebook on his lap. "Well, Jenny, I appreciate your honesty today. Can we meet again next week?"

Jenny Micron stood up from the couch, stretching, then glanced at her phone's calendar. "Actually, I've got a medical conference next week. I'll call when I get back."

The door clicked soundly into place behind her.

"Patient either failed to note or failed to mention the color choices while describing the Wellness Watch device. Also lacking in her description was the surprise free gift - a 10 minute psychiatric evaluation courtesy of Dr. Dewey Matterhorn. Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Ho-ho-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA. BWAAAHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA."

Nerf POV

2011-09-13T09:13:00.000-04:00

This is his job.

Personal Baggage

2011-09-12T12:01:00.000-04:00

This descriptive block of text was presented to us as we were flying to Cancun.

Only one bride trousseau. (As I married a bride as opposed to being a bride, I don't even know what a "trousseau" is ... I just think it sounds hilarious. "Troussau")
12 rolls of film or videocassettes (because 13 is unlucky)
One laptop, notebook, omnibook or similar, yet four fishing rods (that's just subjective)
One running machine and one exercise bike (just don't try using them in the airplane restrooms; they're funny about that)
Five laser disks (one must be from the "Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 or 6 Theatrical Release on Laser Disk" set), 10 DVDs, 30 CDs or magnetic tapes, for sound playing (what about my phonograph and player piano, huh? Why in MY day we didn't have these new-fangled magnetic tapes or laser-beam disks...)

Old Fashion Electronic Surveillance

2011-09-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

Water You Thinking

2011-09-09T09:09:00.000-04:00

I know the sprinklers are on a timer.

...

It still dampens my spirits.

______________________________

Million Dollar Idea:

Let's develop a wifi-enabled switch for existing timer-based sprinkler systems. Once an hour, the switch would check the National Weather Service website for the location's current weather.

Here's the programming:

if CurrentWeatherCondition == "raining" OR "thunderstorm" OR "downpour"

then Sprinklers == OFF

else TimerWins

Juxtaposition

2011-09-08T09:08:00.000-04:00

I bet those Dell ads don't find the comic quite as amusing as I do.

________________________________________

If you'd like to read today's "The Book of Biff" yourself, I encourage you to do so.

Usually Ships Monday

2011-09-07T12:01:00.000-04:00

"Usually Ships Monday, you know, if we remember or whatever."

"If a customer got a problem, yo, I'll solve IT

Check out my hook while the DJ revolves IT"

______________________________________________

binaural - "having or relating to two ears"

binuaral - "close, but no cigar"

One Brick To Rule Them all

2011-09-06T09:06:00.000-04:00

If you have a minute, would you care to view a slideshow of Barad-Dur built entirely of LEGO?

Of course you would.

If you have a few more minutes, perhaps I could interest you in reading a fascinating article about the creation of said tower?

Finally, may I share with you The Other Middle Earth Lego Models?

You have my utmost thanks.

To No Avail

2011-09-05T06:05:00.000-04:00

"I wouldn't think flu shots capable of ANY form of libel" ... no, wait, that joke won't work.

Availible! - Flu Shots!
Unavailable! - Spell Check!
(Oh yeah, ZING)

"Due to increased demand for FLU SHOTS!, the current wait time is 3 hours."

Is it just me, or do these folks have an unhealthy obsession with the daily arrival and departure of the nearest star?