Another Point of View

Friendships

2015-11-26T10:26:00.002-05:00

There are times in my life when I become very introspective and start to over-analyze almost everything. Especially when it comes to friendships. I almost feel like an alien at times, trying to figure out the social norms of our society. What is this thing called friendship?

I turned to Wikipedia for answers. And I realize that friendships are more complicated than I realized, because there are many types of friends. I think my problem is not realizing that.

Agentic friends look to each other for help in achieving practical goals in their personal and professional lives. They value sharing time together, but only when they have time available to help each other. These relationships typically do not include the sharing of emotions or personal information.
A buddy is someone with whom you engage in a particular activity.
A family friend is the friend of a family member or the family member of a friend.
Internet friends are similar to pen pals and may evolve into a real-life friendship.
Best friends/close friends are characterized by intimacy, trust and a sense of permanence. The contacts between the close friends tend to be frequent.

North Americans view friends differently than other cultures. Friends tend to be people whom they encounter fairly frequently, and that are similar to themselves in demographics, attitude, and activities. While many other cultures value deep trust and meaning in their friendships, Americans will use the word "friend" to describe even acquaintances. Many studies have also found that Americans eventually lose touch with friends, which is an unusual occurrence in many other cultures. In fact, studies show that one quarter of all North Americans have no close confidants.

In fact, Paul Hollander wrote in 1973 that in North American society, the term "friendship" is applied to relationships which in most of Europe would be called acquaintance-ships. Many observers of our society have suggested that our friendships tend to be superficial, short-lived, and limited in intimacy. Our friendships do not often become lifelong exchanges of solidarity and moral and emotional support.

Friendships are rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person.

So it seems my difficulty is in realizing the types of friendships I have, accepting what they're not, and setting my expectations accordingly. I need to be aware that friendships can change just as life changes; close friends drift apart and become acquaintances or even just Internet friends, while agentic friends may evolve into closer friendships.

The take away lesson from all of this is when your friends show you the type of friend they are, believe them, and you won't be disappointed by expecting more than they're willing or capable of giving to the friendship.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

What's Your Political Party?

2015-08-02T18:42:00.005-04:00

When it comes to politics, I can be very clear in my opinions. That doesn't mean that I'm not open to discussion or debate though, but I don't think I make that clear enough sometimes. Let's face it - I am not a political expert and I may disagree often without necessarily knowing all the facts. I'd love to know the facts.

My opinions are formed through things I have learned

through historical experience (let's face it - I'm old enough to have known a lot of different type governments in my life),
from what I've learned from other people who have different knowledge and ideas,
from reading the opinions of others for whom I have tremendous respect.

I've never understood the kind of people who voted for a particular party, regardless of who the leader or candidate was, just because they'd always voted for that party, and maybe even because for a couple of generations their family had always voted for that party.That's so American though! As Canadians, let's be smarter.

My daughter once asked me how someone knew who to choose in an election. My advice to her is advice that works for everyone I think. I asked her to think about the kind of person she was and what she expected of her country, then to listen to each of the various people's platforms and vote for the party who was promising to provide that kind of country or those values.

Some people vote for a party because of a single issue, but I think it's important to understand each of the issues.

Some people are afraid of change, especially in times of turmoil. Is it a coincidence though, that we seem to be having a "time of turmoil" in one area or another before the last few elections?

If you're waiting for the "perfect" time to change a government, economic or security wise, let me suggest there never will be a perfect time. The right time is when you really want change.

As the author John E. Lewis once said “If not us, then who? If not now, then when?”

I know it's easy to attack the person currently holding the office and maybe you don't think that's fair. Wouldn't you agree though, that it keeps the governing party from getting too comfortable? If they KNOW that they're going to be watched, measured and judged, don't you think they might start coming through on some of their election promises? If you screw up in YOUR job, wouldn't you expect to be let go eventually? Sure, the company might worry that it's going to take a new person some time to get up to speed, but if they end up being better at the job, isn't it worthwhile then?

Listen, I'm not suggesting who you should vote for. I'm going to continue examining my values and beliefs, and expressing my opinions, and everyone else needs to do the same thing. Between now and October 19^th, each of us needs to do three things:

Figure out,

What kind of people are we and what do we expect of our country?
Which party's platform better matches our values?

Make sure:

We're not voting on a single issue.
We're not voting based on fear of any kind.

Go out and vote. Because every vote matters.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Reality Check

2015-07-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I need a reality check. Today might be one of those times.

We all go through periods of time when we feel sorry for ourselves. Maybe we haven't achieved as much as we would have liked. Maybe we don't get the respect we feel we deserve. Maybe we have too much stress, and no time to relax.

Maybe.

This is when I need to take stock of my life. Of what it is and what it could have been. It could have been better. But it could have been worse. Much worse. I need to count my blessings.

It's very hot outside today. But rather than having to work outside in the heat, or in an overheated factory, I get to sit in my cool office with my blinds drawn and my fan gently blowing on me. And while I sit here in this comfortable environment, I have to admit I'm making a lot more money than either of the other scenarios.

I don't have a set quota I must achieve every day. My quota is a bigger picture - a set amount achieved within a reasonable amount of time. If I'm having an off day, I can work a bit faster tomorrow (or since today is Friday, I'll work faster on Monday). I never have to work weekends. Or evenings/nights. I don't have to deal with the public.Actually my manager is on vacation this week, so I don't have to deal with anyone.

I'm spoiled.

I took a two hour lunch (I don't often do that, but when I do, it's okay) and sat on a patio and soaked up the sun. Watching the ice melt in my glass of water and learning to appreciate warm red wine.

Many people have it better than I do (more money? three hour lunches?) but so many people have it worse. I shouldn't compare. I should appreciate what I have and be satisfied with that.

A friend once told me I should ask myself "will any of this matter in six months?" I'll go one better - "If I die tomorrow, will any of this matter?" I'll just enjoy the moment. Appreciate the moment. Value the moment.

And stop drinking warm red wine - it makes me too mellow and ruins the afternoon.

It's all good!

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Give Me Back My Canada

2015-07-12T22:33:00.000-04:00

Right before every election, I become very outspoken. So much so that many of my friends and relatives think I'm very politically involved. I'm not. I'm not even a supporter of any particular party. I like to judge each of them each on their own merits and record.

In case you're wondering, I'm not anti-government either, because that would make me an anarchist, wouldn't it? No, I'm one of these rare people who actually don’t mind paying taxes. We need people to run the government, right? They need to get paid. We also need all the stuff the government is supposed to do - improve our infrastructure, develop our social and healthcare programs - lots of stuff. It takes money.

What I don't like is wasting money. Or greed. I work hard for my money. I don't want to give it (voluntarily or not) to be wasted foolishly. Isn’t that reasonable?

Our current federal government believes in trickle down economics which, if I'm not mistaken, means giving tax breaks to corporations who in turn will create more jobs. Guess what? It doesn't work.

A business owner I know (who shall remain anonymous) is actually a huge supporter of unions (imagine that!), and when we discussed the tax breaks our government was giving businesses, he told me he'd gladly take the tax break but he wouldn't be creating any more jobs with it. He just increased his profits. He even went so far as to say if the government cancelled those tax breaks or INCREASED his taxes, he'd be okay with it. He said he could afford to pay more.

Isn't that interesting?

So, we have a Conservative federal government that has operated on the principle of trickle-down economics and what does their record show? I've lost count of the number of criminal charges against members of parliament or the senate. Our environmental record is terrible. Our treatment of First Nations people is shameful. Our rights and freedoms are under attack. We have to deal with a secretive, disdainful government (how many times did Harper prorogue parliament? Remember when he was found in contempt of parliament?) Our national resources are being sold off to foreign interests. The economy is stagnate, unemployment remains the same, and we're actually heading into a recession. Good job guys!

On the other hand, we have a Liberal provincial government who loves to waste money. Cancelled gas plants, the ORNGE scandal, the e-health scandal - not to mention the assets we've lost - selling off Hydro One, allowing beer and wine to be sold in the stores, etc. All to "balance the budget". The provincial debt has gotten so bad, we've had our credit rating downgraded. Even the CEO of Chrysler Canada is complaining that the high costs of hydro is this province may force them to leave. But this is the land of milk and honey, isn't it? So we're going to give the organizers of the Pan Am games millions of dollars in bonuses, and for what? For doing jobs they already are being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars (over $400k to one). Wow. Can I get a 100% bonus too for just doing what I'm paid to do? Where's the rationale for that?

It's easy to throw other people's money around I guess. And when we have no more revenue generating assets left, we can always go back to the trough and raise taxes, right?

I'm becoming cynical. I'm starting to believe the reason these people are in politics is because they are incompetent and would not survive in the corporate world. It's time we start holding our government responsible. It's time to see politicians charged when they breach our trust. Take their gold plated pensions away when they break the rules.

More importantly, it’s time to elect responsible government. A Government with the interests of the people in mind - you know, common people, working people, people like you and me.

Give me back the Canada I was born into.
Give me back the Canada who was respected internationally.
Give me back the Canada that was a shining example of fiscal responsibility.
Give me back the Canada I used to be so proud of.

I don't belong to a political party so I'm not going to suggest who people should vote for. Each one of us needs to examine the leaders we have in power today, and decide what type of country we want Canada to be.

What do you want your Canada to look like?

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Why I Write

2015-07-05T21:11:00.003-04:00

One of the reasons I started a blog was to be able to write - I've always used writing as an outlet, especially during difficult times. Writing helps me sort my thoughts out, but it's also really cool to look back on things I wrote a few years ago, and maybe see how my opinions have changed.

The following article goes through all the physical and emotional reasons why it's good for us to write.

Science Shows Something Surprising About People Who Love to Write

With that in mind, I'm trying to write on a more consistent basis.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Hope?

2015-07-05T12:24:00.002-04:00

I tried something new today - I went for a service at a new "church" called Hope for Today Fellowship.

Studies show that the happiest people feel like they are part of a community. Many of my friends have found this feeling of community through religion. I have to admit - I struggle with religion. I was raised a Roman Catholic and I still haven't decided if God blessed my life, or cursed it. I long for the peace and serenity that people belonging to a religious group feel.

There are many reasons why I don't attend Catholic services. I won't go into details - suffice to say the services don't fulfill me, they just make me sad. Sad with regret that my relationship with my church turned out this way.

So, is a Christian fellowship for me? Nope. After half an hour of singing, they had the collection. Then the sermon began. Hebrews Chapter 10. The sermon was about God's wrath and vengeance. Sitting there listening to that, I was filled with the feeling that not only am I probably cursed in this life, it seems I may be cursed in the afterlife. How depressing. I didn't stay to hear the rest but left. I even left behind the gift bag they give visitors.

I may struggle with my religion, but I want to hear a message of redemption and salvation, of love and forgiveness, of a kind benevolent father. I don't need someone to fill me with fear and trepidation - that's already my life.

So keep your vengeful God. He's not mine.

This work by Suzette Seveny is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Impatient, Intolerant, and Opinionated

2015-06-11T16:31:00.002-04:00

I've decided that's what I am. But underneath all that is a person with strong beliefs and loyalties. I just get tired of the bullshit sometimes. Warning!! Rant ahead!!

Lately the bullshit is the stuff that happens in my small town. It's messed up for sure but I don't think it's just this town, I think it's society in general. A lot of it is Facebook too I think. I belong to a couple of groups in my town. I think what I need to realize though, is that the people who have the time to post are the ones with nothing else to do in life. It doesn't necessarily represent the entire town.

Here's what bugs me lately:

One young lady (23) has 2 children and no high school diploma. I guess she was too busy screwing around to go to school. She's looking for a place to rent, and she's complaining people charge too much to rent out houses. I tried to explain to her that there are costs a home owner (landlord) needs to cover. Things like the mortgage payment, property taxes, insurance, etc. Plus if she wants a place that's inclusive, there's utilities that have to be paid as well. Then there has to be a contingency for repairs, etc. All that is BEFORE any profit to the landlord (home owner). The problem is this person is on Ontario Works (welfare), so she's having a hard time finding a place within her means. She feels landlords should prefer renting to her because she has a "guaranteed" income. Huh? Since when is welfare "guaranteed"? She says she can only get minimum wage jobs so it's not worth working because she would have to pay daycare. No family in the area to help her either. Oh, and she has a deadbeat boyfriend (unemployed) that she's living with, and supporting I guess. With our tax dollars.

I suggested she try and get her high school equivalency. Response? No point since she can't afford a college education. Huh? A friend of mine tried to hire her as a part time receptionist and had to let her go because she can't even spell.

If she manages to get a good job, she'll get her driver's license and car, because that will make it easier for her. I guess she's not thinking about gas, insurance, repairs, etc. Huh?

Now, I know she went to high school here, so if she has no family nearby, did they move away from her? That's a strange thing for parents to do, isn't it?

Why does all this bother me?

Because I was a single parent once upon a time. I was once homeless too. So, I don't buy excuses.

I can understand one mistake (one child), but two? When you can't support them? When I had my daughter I had a decent job. Things were tough, but I could afford to support her. I worked hard, took at least one college course at a time and remained employable. Of course things are easier now - you can do a lot of courses online.

There's more.

Another single mother on Ontario Works. Again without a high school diploma. Tattoos and piercings all over her face. And guess what? She's pregnant. But this time, she wants to pay a Douala to help her through her pregnancy and labour. Obviously our welfare system is way too generous if she can afford that. Even when I was working I couldn't afford that when I was expecting my daughter. Or maybe I could but I wasn't stupid enough to spend money on stuff like that when I was going to have to support a child.

I like helping people out. I volunteer at a few places in town. I believe in having a social safety net - that's part of being Canadian I guess. But for the love of God, would someone please show me where in our Canadian Bill of Freedoms and Rights it says that single mothers are entitled to 18 years of support? Get a grip, please!!

How about we provide subsidized daycare while they go to school and make school mandatory? How about we subsidize daycare while they work at whatever job they can find, and top up their income if it's that much below the poverty line? How about we have a contract when they go on welfare, stating the amount of support they will get and an action plan to become self-sufficient? And not give them more money if they decide to have another child. We need to be careful not to create a welfare state here.

Let's all remember it's charity, and my tax dollars go to fund it. I am glad to be able to help when needed but there has to be some restrictions or conditions. Privacy and entitlement be damned.
I'm getting tired of the bullshit. There's already too much bullshit in my life.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

A Question of Ethics

2015-06-10T07:29:00.001-04:00

I’d like to start by admitting that I’m “old school”. I believe that when a person posts an article that they did not write, that they should give credit to the original author. Just because something is posted online does not mean it is free; it’s just another method of publishing and the author retains all rights.

Occasionally I’ll see articles on LinkedIn or various business blogs, that I have reason to believe are not written by the person who posted it. Sometimes these articles will say “Posted by”, and that lets me know that the person posted it is not the original author. I’d still like to know who the original author is though, so I often turn to my friend Google. I’ll search for the first two sentences of the article, with varying degrees of success.

Other times, the person posting the article lists themselves as the Author. Being old school, I believe that’s called plagiarism. I also believe it speaks to the character of the person who does this. It’s dishonest, misleading, deceptive, and leads to me question how much I can trust any other assertion they make about their skills and abilities.

There’s a plethora of examples currently on Linked In, which makes me wonder if there is a subscription service somewhere that provides these articles on a regular basis for a fee. I wonder this because it’s the same group of individuals posting the exact same articles. I’ve commented on a couple, asking if such a subscription service exists, but nobody is answering me. Despite my best efforts, I’ve been unable to locate the original authors.

So I’m throwing it out to the community at large (meaning my contacts on Linked In). Is there such a service?

Here are a few examples - try searching these phrases and you’ll see what I mean:

“Where Hackers Go to Shop for Malware

You might recall how the Silk Road, an illegal online drug market, was recently shut down. Similar to the Silk Road, there’s another distributor of sensitive information out there; this one dealing with zero-day vulnerabilities. These types of cyber threats sell for top-dollar, and hackers are willing to pay in order to access your network.”

“How to Monitor Employee Communications Without Taking What’s Said Personally

There seems to be some confusion in the workplace regarding the privacy of digital communications made over a company network. Can an employer read an employee email or record a phone call without employee consent?”

“Do You Trust Your Employees Enough to Offer Unlimited Vacation Time?

As a business owner, you know how difficult establishing a paid time off policy is. Providing too little can make your business seem unfair, but giving away too much might make you feel like you’re losing money.”

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Just Another Sunday

2015-06-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

After dinner, I sat to watch CBC's the Fifth Estate; it always makes me think about societal issues. Tonight they're talking about the garment factories in India and other places, all so that Joe Fresh and Walmart can import cheap clothes for us.

http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/episodes/2013-2014/made-in-bangladesh

That got me thinking - would I be willing to pay more for "ethical" clothes? Yes. I would pay more if I could be convinced that they truly were "ethically" made. I've experienced clothing stores where designer labels were placed over the regular labels and tags, to misrepresent the garment.

It's like fish in Canada. Nobody wants to eat fish from China, so they stopped buying all fish where the packaging said "Imported from China" or "Processed in China". Now all they'll say is Imported for ABC Foods, Burlington, ON (for example). It's impossible to see the country of origin anymore - and that is SOOO wrong. I'm not being racist (I don't think) if I vehemently state that I don't want to eat food that's been produced or processed in what is pretty much the dirtiest country in the world. These are the people who put Lead Paint into infant formula and milk, to make them more white. That proved to me that China has very little control over the food industry there. Oh sure, once found guilty, I believe they're put to death, but that's little consolation after you find out that you've been drinking lead for 2 years. Really.

I've been looking at an online clothing store - Holy Clothing Company. Theoretically, their clothes are handmade in India and the workers are ethically paid. The clothing is beautiful, and very reasonably priced. Maybe too reasonably priced. I'd love to buy a few items, but I need to do more research first.

I might write another post later and tell you what I found out.

Or I might not.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

I Lose People

2015-05-16T17:21:00.000-04:00

Thinking back over the years, I've come to realize that I lose people. For no particular reason except that life moved on and we lost touch.

I envy people who are still close friends with people they went to school with; how you must trust them like family. Sadly, few people in my high school would even remember me. It isn't totally my fault though - at sixteen I had to leave my foster home suddenly and the next several years are best described as a nightmare.

They say that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. That makes sense. There were people who shared difficult times with me, people who helped me and who helped shape me into the person I became, people that I was able to help in some way, and people who will remain in my heart forever, even if they're gone.

It's easy to lose people. One of you moves away, gets a new job, starts a new relationship (ever notice how some people forget their friends when they're in a relationship? That's a post for another day though). We have every intention of keeping in touch, getting together, remaining friends. Life moves on though, and you look back and think, "Wow! Has it really been that long?" A year, five years, ten years, twenty years.

Some friends are meant to be though, and your paths with cross again. That was the case with my elementary school friend, Susan Hayman (now Holbrow). I used to walk by her house on Beechgrove Road every Sunday on my way to St. Joseph's Church. She started coming with me. That always confused me because she wasn't Catholic - she didn't HAVE to go to church. She even came to summer camp with me one year - and shortly after that her family moved to Fullerton California. We wrote to each other for awhile, but the letters eventually dwindled. I'm so happy to see her whenever she visits Canada, and one day I will visit California.

This past year saw me reconnect through Facebook with my high school friend, Karen Robbins. These two women are my only connection to the girl I used to be. Karen in particular, knew me best - she knew the difficulties I faced when I was sixteen. Even after I left my foster home, we stayed in touch, lived together for awhile, and then we lost touch. I searched for her for years, to no avail. I still remember the day she connected with me on Facebook - I literally cried.

My biological parents are gone. My foster parents are gone. My foster sister is gone. I am not close with my biological siblings. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world. That's when I start thinking of the people I've lost and I ask myself why I allowed that to happen.

At a funeral recently, I reconnected with a man named Mark. I had met him for the first time when I was 16 I think (those times are very cloudy for me). I saw him again when I was in my mid-20's. I had been sent by the company I was working for to Edmonton, Alberta to do some training. He was a bus driver in Edmonton. He showed me around the city and then we found a restaurant that served perogies (the beginning of my love affair with perogies!). I don't know why we didn't keep in touch. I got his phone number though, and I'm going to try to stay in touch.

If you're reading this - I don't want to lose you too - there's a reason we met and keep in touch. Don't let me lose you.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

The Definition of Friendship

2015-05-03T11:38:00.000-04:00

When I was growing up, the word "Mother" or "Mom" held a special significance for me. I would often see people call their friends' mothers "Mom" but I never could. That title had to be earned and was very special. I only called one woman "Mom", and that was my foster mother, Alice Peak. Since she's been gone, I have found it a bit easier to call my mother-in-law by that title. After more than 20 years, I think she's earned it, as she holds a special place in my heart.

Along those same lines, I've been thinking a lot lately about what truly is a "friend". I think the definition is a bit confusing because we throw it around far too casually. Maybe this is because of social media sites like Facebook, where a friend can be anyone with similar interests, such as a group like Toastmasters, or the same school, employment, or even just someone who plays the same games as you do. I have "friends" on Facebook that I've never met, who know little to nothing about me.

At an event yesterday a woman introduced me to someone else as her friend. We do this all the time. But my first thought was that we were not friends. I seldom saw her, we never called each other, I'd been to her house once in 20 years (I was duped into going to a Tupperware party), etc. Can we not just introduce people by their names? "Hi Sam, I'd like you to meet Mary".

But even the "friends" who do know me, are they really friends in the truest sense of the word? I did a Google search to define "friend" and found an interesting article in Psychology Today on this subject and it defined the things that draw people together as friends as,

Common Interests
History
Common Values
Equality

It went on to define what makes a person worthy of the name,

A commitment to your happiness
Not asking you to place the friendship before your principles
A good influence

So, with that in mind, I thought about what the word friend meant to me - what do I expect of my friends?

I think a friendship requires work. It requires reaching out sometimes, even if just to say "I'm here for you if you need to talk". It requires time, and that can mean doing things together, getting together for a cup of coffee sometimes, or even just putting aside the time to call and chat. It requires truth - friends have to be honest with each other and not just tell the other person what they want to hear, but truth does need to be told in a supportive manner so it's not perceived as criticism. A friend is someone you should be able to depend on - the proverbial shoulder to cry on, a person you can call when you're feeling down.

I know I haven't always been a good friend. I've lost friends, and potential friends, along the way because I didn't give the friendship the time it needed. And if I'm totally honest with myself, not all of my "friends" are really friends. I have friends I only hear from when they need something from me, who never seem to be there when I need someone to talk to, who, even knowing I'm going through a rough time, never call me or send me a message just to see how I'm doing. And then there are the types of friends I only hear from when there isn't a man in their life. As soon as they're in a relationship, it can be months before I hear from them.

I want to be a better friend and I'm going to hold my friends to a higher standard as well. I'm not going to be the only one doing the work a friendship needs, but I will make the effort.

This week, knowing a friend was going through a rough time, I drove out to Alliston to take them out to dinner and then we relaxed on their deck so they could put their worries aside for a few hours. I let them know how much I'd missed seeing them lately, that I was sorry for what they were going through and that this too would pass. Before we left, I made sure we had a semi-plan for getting together again.

Life can be tough and we all need friends.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

A Milestone

2015-04-23T21:39:00.001-04:00

This week marks an important milestone for me - it has been a year since I quit smoking. I started smoking when I was 15 years old - so I could be "cool". I quit smoking last year, after the very quick and traumatic experience of losing my sister to lung cancer. So I smoked for over 40 years. Wow!

I always wanted to quit. I kept trying to find an easy way though, Can you believe I've been through hypnosis, acupuncture, patches, nicotine gum, zyban, as well as a quit smoking program offered at a local hospital once when I was younger. The older I got, the harder quitting seemed to be. The last time I tried to quit, I actually became physically ill - shaking, sweating, headache, etc. I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I would always be a smoker.

And then I found the perfect program to help me quit - I had to watch this aggressive cancer completely destroy someone I loved, in a brutal way. I suddenly realized that I'd been lying to myself all my life; every smoker lies to themselves.

Cancer only happens to others.
When my number's up, my number's up. It's fate.
Who wants to live forever, anyway?
I have relatives that lived to be almost 100, and they smoked.

It goes on and on. My sister told herself each of these lies. Let me tell you how things transpired. In chronological order.

- A woman I worked with lost her husband to a form of lung cancer.
- A coworker developed lung cancer, and it metastasized and went in his brain. He kept smoking until he died.
- A coworker's mother died of lung cancer. The world lost a beautiful woman I admired. My coworker begged me to quit smoking.

My sister was being treated for bronchitis since December 2013, but it wasn't getting any better. I was planning to visit and she kept asking me to wait until she felt better. One day at the beginning of April 2014, she phoned and told me she had bad news; she had a tumor in her left lung and she was having more tests done. I went right away to be with her. I held her while she cried that she didn't want to die. I tried to be strong for both of us. I gave her diet advice, bought her Essiac, signed her up for the Trillium program so her prescriptions could be paid.

I drove my sister and her daughter to the Respirologist in Windsor. We had to take the CDs with the MRI results to give him. I made a copy of them before we went. She had to go in a wheelchair because she was having trouble breathing. He asked if any of us still smoked and my niece and I raised our hands. "Take this as a wake up call" he said. I realized that I had been getting a lot of wake up calls lately. So many people around me had died of lung cancer, and it was getting closer.

When I got home, I looked at the copies of the CD and I saw the cancer filled almost the entire lung and had spread to the bronchi and throat. I knew she likely wasn't going to make it, but I wanted to help her fight. And then nothing happened. No calls to start chemo or radiation. Nothing. I was panicking - time was of the essence! Then my niece called me and told me she was in the hospital. She was weak and had lost a lot of weight.

I took my daughter with me so that she could have a chance to see her aunt one more time, just in case. On the way to Chatham, my daughter said "I hope with what's happening that you're not going to smoke this weekend." I promised her I wouldn't and I bought some nicotine gum and threw my cigarettes away.

At the hospital, I begged my sister to keep fighting. She said "Why?" She couldn't breathe, she had trouble swallowing. They had her on a morphine pump and told her she had to get stronger before they could give her chemo; she was too weak for it. She never got stronger. The cancer had spread to the other lung, to her throat, lymph nodes, stomach, intestines, liver, kidneys - it was everywhere.

Lung cancer is one of the most aggressive forms of cancer.

Within a month she had gone from crying she didn't want to die, to begging for death. The next week I got a phone call from my niece on May 2, 2014, a Friday afternoon, right before I left work. My sister had insisted on the chemo, despite being told she wouldn't survive. She seemed to be better for a little while after the chemo and was sitting up and talking. Then she went into a coma. I picked my daughter up and drove like crazy to get there. I didn't make it. She passed away about 45 minutes before I arrived.

I didn't need a lot of gum. I keep telling myself that I can never have a cigarette again, my life depends on it. I never want my daughter to watch me die that way. I counted the days on my calendar and every day I gave myself a number. I knew if I slipped, I'd be back at zero. I didn't slip. I wanted to though, and even now a year later - I want a cigarette. I even went so far as to steal a cigarette out of a friend's pack. If you've never smoked, you have no idea the hold this has on you! But I didn't smoke it. My sister's death will count for something.

So it's one year later. I had found the most effective way to quit. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and yet in many ways, the easiest.

I miss you Cecile.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Memories That Haunt

2015-04-22T11:52:00.001-04:00

I was less than 5 years old when I saw my father beat my mother with closed fists. This happened in my biological family, before the CAS took us away.

"Why did you hit Mommy?" I asked my father. "I didn't." he said.

I think that memory stayed with me my entire life, because there was a disconnect between what I saw and the answer I received. When the mind can't reconcile events like this, it can become a memory that haunts.

My mother suffered from mental illness and for those first 5 years of my life she was in and out of mental hospitals. She took the physical and emotional abuse my father heaped on her. Maybe she didn't think she deserved any better.

When my father started abusing his children though, she gathered all the strength she could and left him, taking us with her. Unfortunately, without the social safety net we have today, she was unable to support 4 children and she sank deeper and deeper into psychosis, until one day the police showed up with a CAS worker. She spent the next 7 years in a psychiatric hospital; we spent the rest of our childhood in foster homes.

I have a new appreciation for how she tried to protect us. When I was younger, I perceived her loss of us as a "weakness". When I became a mother myself, I felt that she should have been able to hold it together for the sake of her children. Now I feel a sadness, that all these years after she's gone, I finally understand and appreciate her.

My father remarried, to a woman who had 5 children - 3 girls, 2 boys. I don't know if he abused his wife, but I do know he abused her children. She knew about the abuse and yet she stayed. When I talked to her about it, she felt she had no options, no way to leave him. When he went to jail for sexually assaulting her daughters and a grand daughter though, she covered for him. And waited for him to return. At his funeral a couple of years ago, she tried to give me a hug, and I couldn't.

"Why not?" she asked. "I never did anything to you."
"Because you stayed." I told her.

My mind can't reconcile this and it's become a haunting memory. Why does a woman stay with a pedophile? Why does she cover for him and protect him? Why does she let him hurt her children? Is it weakness? Is it insecurity or lack of intelligence? I can't understand it.

She wasn't an evil person herself - she was a bit gruff (east coasters tend to be like that), but I don't think she was a "bad" person. I am reminded of the following quote though "All it takes for evil to survive is for good men to do nothing." She did nothing, and evil survived.

She passed away 2 days ago at the age of 85. I didn't go to see her in the hospital. To be honest, because of my condemnation of her, my presence would only have upset her. I'll go to her funeral though, out of respect for my step brother and his family. She was his mother after all.

A chapter in my life is now over. I thank her, for helping me to respect and appreciate how hard my mother tried, with everything stacked against her to protect her children. That's what mothers are supposed to do. I finally forgive my mother for not being stronger - she obviously was an amazing person.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Aloha

2014-05-17T13:45:00.001-04:00

So day 5 of my Hawaiian vacation and I'm finally getting around to posting something - I think that means I'm having a good vacation!

Meeting Debbie was interesting as I'd only known her online. Turns out we have a lot in common and I'm enjoying my time with her very much. We've swam almost daily, toured the island by coach, watched the sunset and Friday evening fireworks, and there's more to come. Tonight, we're going to Paradise Cove for a Luau, which is a barbeque on the beach and a show. I'll be sure to post lots of photos on facebook.

Speaking of facebook, you can see all of the photos by clicking here - I hope that link comes through.

I love the warmth of Hawaii. The good news is the sunscreen is working, I haven't burned. The bad news is the sunscreen is working, I only have a bit of colour to my skin. I'd like to be a bit darker. I will focus on baking more at the beach!

I'm loving Hawaii so far, but my hair feels differently. All this humidity is making my hair one big frizz ball. Even straightening it isn't helping for long. I think I'll start leaving it natural and just french braid it or something. So if you look at my photos - no comments on the hair okay?

The feet are holding out so far - left foot is giving me some problems but I'm toughing it out.

So... how's the no smoking going you ask? Absolutely fine. I have about one piece of gum a day. I see people smoking and for a moment wish I could have one, but the feeling goes away. I think I was just ready to quit. Not even going through any big withdrawals either - sleeping is fine, no shakes or anything. It might have helped that I cut down quite a bit before I quit. Either way, I'm proud of myself.

We'll talk again soon - the sunshine is calling me - Aloha!

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Revival?

2014-05-11T09:09:00.000-04:00

Okay by now I realize that I'm not good at blogging consistently. But.... I have 2 big things happening so I thought I'd try and revive my blog.

First off - I've quit (am quitting) smoking. I have to say it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I might talk about what I'm going through sometimes. I've smoked for at least 40 years with only a couple of short breaks along the way. This truly is an experience. I've already decided that I like smoking and I hate quitting. Too many people around me have died from lung cancer though - it was time for me to get a clue. The passing of my sister on May 2nd this year was the hardest though. So, in her memory I am quitting smoking. I might need some help along the way but I WILL do it.

Also, I'm leaving in a few days to go to Hawaii. It will be nice to close each day with a blog post about what I did that day. I'm travelling by myself but meeting up with an online friend from New Zealand. How exciting is this going to be?

Stay tuned for more :)

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Kinark Family Services - An Opinion

2012-05-25T18:32:00.000-04:00

What is the Mandate of Kinark Family Services?

I admit openly that I am often confused. Today is one such day. Let me explain...

In September 2011, my niece came to stay with me for the year. She had many, many issues, and I thought she could benefit from some counselling and support. The Kinship worker at York Region CAS, recommended that I contact Kinark. I was hopeful that they could provide some counselling for my niece.

Three lengthy telephone interviews were involved. I provided all of the background information for my niece, and comprehensive explanations of the situation and problems. My time is valuable, but this was an important thing to do - to get some help for my niece.

No advice or support was ever given. Months and months went by. I just got off the phone with Kinark - they'd like to know how things are going. I asked where the support was. Seems I'm still on a waiting list.

Over the past several months, I've spoken to other parents who have attempted to get service from Kinark for their children. All of them told me they'd had the same experience. Nothing provided.

So I started searching, because I was curious to know exactly what their mandate is. Here is the description they gave Revenue Canada for their charitable foundation status:

The Kinark Foundation advances the social and emotional well-being of children and youth by raising funds and creating awareness in support of Kinark Child and Family Services and other organizations focusing on children's mental health. The Foundation makes grants to a broad range of initiatives including research, pilot projects, services for children, youth and families, collaborative community-based projects, and equipment/capital needs.

Digging a little deeper, I find that most of their efforts revolve around fundraising. Now, I admit to being ignorant about their other "initiatives", but it seems to me not many people are getting services. I plan to find out which of our government agencies provides funding to them.

Maybe I've had a bad day, maybe I'm frustrated and out of patience. My "perception" is that this agency collects funds to maintain a database of information and then provides various reports. That seems to be their prime directive. So, all the time I, and other parents, have spent on the phone with them, is just going to fill up their database with information, and add to their numbers on their reports so they can justify receiving more funds. After all, they have an enormous number of "clients" on their database. How many of these clients actually received any services though? If I needed to vent about the situation with my niece, there are a number of friends I could have called, and none of them would have used my tax dollars to talk to me.

Is this an agency that exists solely for the purpose of creating jobs for people? After all, they have to pay those people who talk on the phone, and that person who maintains their database, and that person who runs the reports they use as justification for more funding.

As a society, we can't afford the luxury of these "make work" projects anymore. There are children out there who, for whatever reason, need help. Maybe the funding given to this agency should be redirected to an organization that actually has front-line workers out there in the field. Perhaps the various CAS societies? Wouldn't that be a better use of our tax dollars?

If anyone reading this has had a different experience, I'd really like to hear about it. I'd also like to hear if you share my frustration and confusion. Why is the CAS and other agencies referring families and children to Kinark, when there's really no services provided by them? Have we become a nation of bean counters, where all that's important is counting up the number of children with mental health issues, as opposed to actually providing counselling and to them and their families?

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

What Does Frustration Look Like?

2010-11-11T16:11:00.002-05:00

I just need to vent... so, please bear with me.

I'm having "issues" with Rogers. I switched over to them a year and a half ago - kit and kaboodle - cell phones, internet, digital cable, and home phone.

The home phone works fine.

Cell phones: I live in Keswick. My cellphone (and my husband's) won't work in or around my house. I think they should work. So, I called tech support. Apparently, Lake Simcoe is interfering with the signal. I'm not that technical, so I don't understand why everyone in Toronto isn't having a problem - after all, it's a much bigger lake... bigger lake = more interference? I spoke to a very nice tech support person - Lindsay on October 13th. She even opened a case number for me. That's the last I've heard about it. I guess I'm supposed to hound them every day. Not going to happen.

Cable: I had basic cable installed around 3-4 years ago. At the time, I was told that the line from the box to my house needed to be replaced. I just assumed that at some point it was. Nope. In June 2009, I upgraded to digital cable. Channels became inaccessible, others kept breaking up. Either way, I had difficulty watching what I wanted to. Called tech support. A service person came out and checked the lines. The line from the box to the house needs to be replaced. He also noticed his rogers cell phone didn't work in the house.

On Nov. 9th, I couldn't watch what I wanted, so I sent off an angry email to Rogers in which I said I was going to start cancelling services. No answer. No surprise.

Today, I phone Rogers customer support. I spoke to Matthew. He asked me if I wanted to take advantage of the offers on my account. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. So he raised his voice and repeated it. I pointed out that speaking louder wouldn't help me understand what he was talking about. So he said, fine - I'll just say you're not interested. I asked if he was having a bad day. He was very rude, so I hung up. I phoned back and got Luke. I asked to speak to a supervisor because I wanted to complain about a rep. So then I got Austin. I explained all my frustrations to him. He took my request to cancel the movie network and related magazine. He said he would do what he could to help.

Then Sarah phoned me about my cable and told me that despite the fact that there was a target date of Dec. 12 for the line replacement, that it probably wouldn't happen this year. But she did give me her number if I wanted to follow up.

Then John phoned me and asked what he could do to help me. I explained my issues. Could he do anything to help? No. He seemed to think that because there's a target date on file, that it will be fixed, even though I told him about Sarah's call. I have no idea why he phoned. He couldn't do anything, but he did give me a case number (but we know they don't mean anything, don't we?). His suggestion - call technical support again about the phones.

Do me a favour Rogers - don't call me again - you're wasting my time. My husband's phone contract will expire in February - we'll find something else. I'll try to find someone to take over my blackberry lease and will find something else.

The internet service seems to be fine (although it's on the same cable that won't give me good TV), so that's safe. I'll wait until Dec. 12 - if the cable line is not replaced, I'm switching to satellite (are you listening Bell?). And the Rogers Mobile Internet I recommended to my mother-in-law... I'll see if I can find another solution for her.

Can you tell that I'm not feeling the love?

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Remember

2010-11-07T13:21:00.025-05:00

Note: This is a speech I've written that I will be giving in Alliston on Wednesday.

REMEMBER

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch, be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

This poem was written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae during the “war to end all wars”, World War I. Over 60,000 Canadians died during this war, one out of every eleven Canadians who served. The poppy has become a symbol for veterans ever since.

Then came World War II. My father, like perhaps many of your parents or grandparents, fought in World War II. Almost 47,000 Canadians died in this war. Without their courage and sacrifice there might not have been a Canada to fight for today.

World War II was followed by the Korean conflict, in which 516 Canadians died. 121 Canadians have died in Peacekeeping missions, and 152 have died in Afghanistan, so far.

Were their deaths in vain? Regardless of the specific issues in each war, they were fighting and dying, so that the world can be free from oppression and tyranny. We may not agree with our involvement in some of their missions, but we must recognize and honour what they were fighting for, and are still fighting for.

On November 11th, we wear the poppy to show our support for our veterans and to honour their sacrifice. But is it enough? Do our children and grandchildren really understand why this day is so important? Make sure your children know. If you visit Ottawa, take them to the Canadian War Museum, which by the way I think should be renamed the Remembrance Museum. Take part in Remembrance Day events in your community. Talk to a veteran. Thank them. Let them know we will not forget.

Does our government really appreciate what these men and women have sacrificed for us? Our government no longer wants to give disabled veterans a pension. They want to give them a lump sum payment and then forget about them. For the most severely disabled, this would amount to approximately $276,000. $276,000 to compensate for a lifetime of lost income. Is this the right thing to do? My father received a partial pension. It did not completely compensate him for the horrors and injuries that he faced in WWII, but it made him feel as if his service was appreciated. Don’t all our veterans deserve the same?

There are no more veterans left from World War I. Less than 2% of veterans remain from World War II.

On November 11th, at 11 a.m. we will pause for two minutes to remember those veterans who made the ultimate sacrifice. Is two minutes enough? In the US, November 11th is Veterans Day - a federal holiday. An entire day to remember. Remembrance Day is a statutory holiday in all provinces except for Manitoba, Quebec, and Ontario. Shouldn’t we do the same as the US for the 107,789 Canadians who have sacrificed their lives so far, so that we can be free from tyranny, free to live as equals regardless of colour or religion or gender, free to voice our opinions without fear of oppression, free to live in a democratic society.

Nobody likes war and it’s easy to say we shouldn’t get involved in another country’s problems, or it doesn’t affect us - so why are we there? What if WE were born in that country? Would we not want someone to help us? To free us? Remember, all it takes for evil to survive, is for good men to do nothing and the price of peace is eternal vigilance.

Let us stand by the brave people who serve in our military. Let us show our appreciation for our wounded veterans with a pension, not a payoff. Let us remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us, with a national holiday on November 11th.

As Laurence Binyon wrote in his poem to the fallen,

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Remember them.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Municipal Elections

2010-10-30T16:33:00.002-04:00

It hasn't been a week yet since our municipal elections, and I thought I would share my thoughts/opinions.

Apparently, municipalities throughout Ontario were voting for change and elected new people to council. Not so in Georgina. Mind you, I wanted our Mayor back in. Rob Grossi is good for the people in Georgina. It may have taken longer than expected, but we are getting most of the things we asked for - businesses in town, improved roads, etc.

Two wards - ward 1 and ward 2 had no incumbents running, so we have new people in those wards. It will be interesting to see how they fare. I really wasn't happy with anyone in my ward - ward 1. I should have run myself. Maybe next time.

Ward 2 was interesting. I can't even remember the name of the person who won - I just know it wasn't Dan Fellini, who would have been absolutely amazing had he won. He only lost by 24 votes. So, anyone in ward 2 who didn't vote - shame on you!

Ward 3 had a Councillor that many complained about, but he was returned anyway. He didn't impress me in the all candidates meetings. Two new contenders - Becky Rundle and Jason Laidler brought great hope. I pinned my hopes on Becky, and even suggested to Jason that he drop out of the race and throw his support behind her. He didn't. He came in 3rd; Becky was second. Votes for Becky and Jason together would have overwhelming surpassed the votes for the incumbent. By not dropping out of the race, the vote ended up being divided and the incumbent returned. If Jason's intent was to get the incumbent out of office, he should have thrown his support to Becky. Becky would have been amazing - she attends most council meetings, has the flexibility in her job to be a "full time" councilor and really cares about the community and her ward. I sincerely hope she runs again next time.

Ward 5 was another interesting race. Newcomer Iris Cancian-Staniscia looked very promising. I have been listening to Pefferlaw residents bitch and complain for years. They had a chance to change things. They returned the incumbent. Those who voted for him no longer have the right to complain. Those who didn't vote at all - shame on all of you. Now be quiet and sit down. You've gotten what you deserve!

The biggest threat to the current Mayor was Peter Juras. He challenged Grossi last time and lost, and he lost again. He attends no council/committee meetings and only reads minutes after the fact, which as we all know don't really reflect the "feeling" of the meeting. Pretty gutsy going for the top job (most people would want to be a Councillor first), but he defended that because the Mayor's job pays more.

Danny Wheeler was challenged by Don Slessor for Regional Councillor. Regional Councillor is a big deal, and not only does Slessor not have council experience, he's also a newcomer to the area, having just moved here in June. If he decides to run again in four years though, he stands a good chance of being successful. He's charismatic, friendly, has connections, etc. Definitely a contender. He should have run to be a Councillor first though. That would have indoctrinated him into the ways of our community first.

All in all, an interesting election. Congratulations to Rob Grossi for holding onto his job, and best wishes for the next four years!

To Naomi Davison in ward 1 - we'll be waiting for that pool you promised us in four years. I have a very good memory!

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Getting Your Nails Done in Keswick

2010-10-30T16:11:00.003-04:00

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that having your nails done is not a necessity. But... should you decide to have your nails done, wouldn't it be nice to know which places to avoid? This will be one such warning!

Background: A couple of weeks ago, I decided to take my sister-in-law to a new nail salon in town that was offering a special on manicures/pedicures - $30. I thought a little bit of pampering would be nice.

We had no problems with the pedicure. The lady who did it was quite pleasant and the massaging chair was very relaxing. I've had better pedicures mind you, but this was cheap so I didn't mind that all the rough skin was still there.

The manicure, however, was a different story. We decided we wanted a french manicure (white tips) and the dirty little man who did it told me it would cost more - $35. Fine - whatever. No pushing back or trimming cuticles, no shaping of our natural nails. Many clear coats of what we thought were nail polish. Final price - $37. I guess he made up the prices as he went along.

The next day the polish started chipping/cracking, so we decided to take it off. It couldn't be removed, not even with professional strength nail polish remover. I went back into the store and asked him what the heck he had put on my nails and how can I get it off. He used an emery board to file it off, then he soaked my hands in pure acetone. Not all of it came off though, so I'll just need to wait for my nails to grow so I can trim it past that point. That process will be made faster because my nails have been breaking one by one. I told him that filing the surface would weaken the nails. He denied it. He's obviously an idiot.

The store is called New York Nails, and they're in the plaza at the corner of Queensway South and Biscayne. If you decide to ignore the fact that the store is dirty, instruments are dirty, and this little man is extremely dirty, be forewarned - your nails will be ruined.

On the plus side, a new nail salon has opened in the new Walmart in town - Regal Nails. They removed my sister-in-law's polish and put a new coat of "real" nail polish on them. That's where I should have gone. Of course, Nails 2000 is still a fairly good place, but I am getting tired of going to salons where everyone who works there is speaking a foreign language and I'm never sure they understand what I'm asking for - but hey! that's just me.

What have I learnt from this experience?
1) When I see a special on for several months, there's a reason.
2) If a shop is empty and has no customers, there's a reason.
3) I will never again overlook a dirty shop.

Just my opinion though - your mileage may vary....

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Words

2010-08-24T09:18:00.004-04:00

I think it's important to realize the impact that words can have; their ability to deeply wound and the inability to ever take them back. Sure, we can apologize for our words and we may be forgiven, but words are never forgotten. Words can change a person's life forever, often irrevocably. If you were upset at your boss, for example, even if he/she did something to really hurt you (intentionally or not), would it be wise to start shouting and swearing at him?

We all say things in the heat of anger. Often, we regret what we've said or more importantly, how we've said it. It's important to be able to talk and express our feelings openly and honestly. It's not necessary or fair to build up perceived resentments and then explode with raised voices and profanity. There are some boundaries that should never be crossed. Jobs can be lost, friendships can be severed and families can be torn apart by our inability to control our anger, and to even try to learn healthier ways to communicate.

We need to take ownership and responsibility for our feelings and try to see situations from the other person's perspective. Focus on the good in others, and find healthy ways to communicate about the things that upset us.

Watch your words.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

I Want Followers!!

2010-07-25T20:35:00.003-04:00

I know my blog is emailed to a few friends after I post, but I would really love it if some of you could sign up as Followers on my blog. I have no followers. I'm feeling lonely!!!

Plus I'd love some comments, debate, or even venting! Let me know I'm not alone out here in blog land.

... Please???

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Shopping

2010-07-25T20:15:00.003-04:00

I have to be the only woman I know who hates to go shopping for clothes. Really - I despise it. I hate shopping for "home furnishings" as well. I wish I had the money to pay somebody to just come in and "design" my rooms. I'm clueless. But clothes shopping has to be the worst.

I had to go shopping today for a dress to wear to a wedding next week. I seriously considered cancelling going to the wedding, and just giving her a cheque as a gift that would cover our dinner. Ever since I gained weight, I have no idea of how to dress. I go for comfortable these days - I'm tired of sucking in my stomach!

I like that television show "How Not to Dress". They TEACH them how to dress and then give them money to go out and buy. Well, I'd hate the going out to buy part. Trying on clothes pisses me off. It's too long, it's too short, it's too loose, it's too tight, my God that colour looks terrible on me, sleeves, no sleeves, clingy (let's not even go there!), it just goes on and on.

You take off your clothes and try something on, then you come out in your fancy dress that makes you look like a pumpkin, with your bobby socks and running shoes and try to imagine how you're going to feel wearing the dress at a special occasion.

Then there's the salespeople - they alternate between incompetent and disinterested or they tell you everything looks good and you feel like screaming "Are you a moron? There's mirrors here, I can see what I look like." Liposuction starts to feel like a sensible choice. We improve the look with body slimmers (let's face it, they're just really tight elastic you squeeze your body into and hope you never have to pee) and high heels (as if they're going to not hurt after an hour of dancing). I might look okay if I don't turn sideways and see what my profile really looks like.

I know the answer - lose weight. I'm on the cusp of regular size and fat lady clothes. Even the smallest size at Pennington's or Addition-Elle's is often too big for me, but the same size at a regular store is probably too small. They way I'm treated in each store is only slightly amusing. At regular stores, I'm treated with disdain - like how dare I think that I can fit any of their fabulous clothes, while at the fat lady stores - oops, I mean Pennington's, the large ladies that work there would rather help other really large ladies and think I'm just there to make them feel bad.

I'm going to check out the cost of having my clothes made for me - either that or learn to sew. There has to be a better way to find clothes. I am so tired of marching into malls and stores, Visa card in hand, ready to SPEND, only to leave empty handed two hours later. Most woman love that whole experience - going from store to store, trying on tons of clothes, buying nothing. I hate it. When I go shopping it's because I HAVE to, I have no choice. Either that or stop going out in public.

That's starting to be an attractive alternative.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

Sometimes I just need to vent

2010-07-25T19:59:00.002-04:00

Through the various roles I've taken on in Toastmasters, I've learnt the importance of having a positive attitude. I struggle with that sometimes though because, let's face it... sometime we just need to vent.

I am learning that I don't need to verbalize every thought that runs through my head, but sometimes I feel if I don't vent, I'll just explode one day. I've thought a lot about my need to vent, and believe me, I don't vent to everyone. I try to vent to at least person who I know will understand and validate my frustration.

We have all met some people who irritate us from the time we first meet them. Maybe they act really smug, and project that somehow they're "better" than we are, when in reality, we know they're not. That's our opportunity to learn how to "bite our tongue". Let it go... walk away. But sometimes, I can't do that. Sometimes I want to know that it isn't just me... that someone else finds them irritating as well. Then I can go "Whew! It's not just me!"

I'm never going to be the type of person who is always happy, chipper, positive, sees the good in everyone. I swear those people are on drugs - and I find them irritating as well. Yes, try to stay positive, smile a lot, and learn to walk away when one such irritating person decides to join your conversation. Because it isn't worth wasting anymore than two seconds with some people. You may have to deal with them occasionally, but you can attempt to keep it to a minimum and admit, at least to yourself, that you would NEVER be friends with them. NEVER. EVER. Life's too short to put up with some people. I'd rather pretend they don't even exist.

Usually when I vent to somebody, there's wine involved and we end up laughing it off. That's healthy, at least I think it is.

Stay positive by all means, stay pleasant and polite, but remember - stay real!

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.

I'm Back!!

2010-07-05T21:34:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't posted anything in a really long time, but I have a good excuse, really I do! Over the past year, while I was an Area Governor with Toastmasters, I kept a blog for my area. Also, I was filling a lot of roles in my home club - VP Education (the most time consuming) and Immediate Past President. Plus I was filling in as VP Public Relations, since we didn't have anyone for that role.

But that's behind me now. I don't expect to be as busy as Division Governor - no blog, no clubs to visit on a "regular" basis. I really should get back to this blog, if only to keep my creative writing skills up, if this can be called creative!

Have you ever sat back and reflected on your life? Wished you had a chance to do something over? That's where my head's been at lately. No regrets though - every journey in life has brought me to this moment - all the good, all the bad, all of it. But, what if we did just one thing different? How would that affect where we are today? What if I'd never joined Toastmasters or never moved to Keswick, or married someone different? What if I'd changed just one thing. Would I still be who I am today? Who knows, but it's interesting to think about.

I don't have anything special to rant about today - nobody's pissed me off... yet. It's been a funny kind of day - the heat has driven up my blood pressure and I've felt "out of it" for most of the day. Good thing what I'm currently working on is drudgery, not requiring creativity or much thought. Whoever heard of a release announcement that's over 600 pages, anyway? Well, I don't make the decisions, I just do as I'm told by the person who signs the cheques.

I was looking forward to my favorite show - Big Bang Theory, which is on every Monday night. Just my luck though, it's a rerun tonight. Good excuse to write in my blog and to go to bed early.

This work by Suzette Leeming is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Canada License.