It Just Gets Stranger

Pictures & Weekly Distractions

2013-05-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

The great and terrible week has come to a close. Leotrix is probably off somewhere eating the rat poison left out for him and becoming stronger in the process. The Queen of Colors is taking advantage of us all being distracted with Leotrix and is plotting her next evil move. And The First Eye is watching. Always watching.

And with that, have a great weekend, Strangers. You are the wind beneath my wings.

Here are your pictures of the week:

These are the looks Daniel and I always have when we are with the church kids. The girl in white in the front is Daniel's nemesis that I told you all about recently, by the way.

This picture was taken BEFORE the marathon. This is how we looked before it even started. And who does Daniel's laundry anyway? Look at that shirt!

We had the kids make drug and alcohol prevention posters for an outreach effort sponsored by Palau's Ministry of Health last week.

Daniel's infamous made-from-scratch chocolate cake that brought Leotrix into our lives.

Crap to distract you from whatever you're supposed to be doing:

In case you missed it, Stranger was in the news this week! Thanks, those of you who saw this and sent it to me. I didn't know this article was being written.

Woman brags online about hitting a cyclist. What not to do. Thanks, Brian S.

Figure out where you are in the world by looking at this image. Thanks, Brian B.

Cat beards. So so confusing. Thanks, Marisa and many others.

Everyone keeps telling me that this is sad and inspirational. I can't watch it because the Internet sucks in Palau. Please tell me all of the things I'm missing out on.

Lastly, one Stranger, Kristen, posted the below photo on the Stranger Facebook wall and said that this picture represents me and Daniel as cats. And now Daniel is demanding that I find out from you which cat you all think is him and which you think is me. Please answer the VERY important poll question below the image.

Who do these cats represent?

THE WORST UPDATE EVER!!!

2013-05-23T07:10:00.001-07:00

First of all, Stranger was surprisingly in the news today! And the first part of this article totally makes it sound like I was arrested.

Should we be worried when something from Stranger is considered "newsworthy?"

Anyway, I have the MOST TERRIBLE UPDATE OF ALL TIME!!!

So some of you may have read yesterday's post. And if you did, you might have noticed that I got a little carried away about things. And I may have proposed some violent solutions to what is most definitely the WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS THAT HAVE EVER HAPPENED.

After I posted that, with the pictures that some have criticized as "inaccurate" and "false" and "absurd" and "impossible" and "Eli needs to start seeing all of the therapists in the world as soon as possible," I got to thinking that maybe I had overreacted.

Not to diminish the problem. Because, guys. A FREAKING RAT FROM HELL BROKE INTO MY HOME AND LICKED EVERYTHING AND HAD BABIES ALL OVER THE FURNITURE. Probably. I'm not sure that it did all of those things. But see, that's the problem! I don't know what it did because it had completed its job before I even got home.

So yesterday the landlord came by and put in a new screen and we got most of the chocolate cake out of the house and I thought ALL of the healthy things you're supposed to think after a tragedy about let's just put this all behind us and keep living our lives and the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun, etc.

But it was all forced, because I didn't really feel those things. What I felt was despair. And instead of Annie the orphan, all I could hear was Anne Hathaway singing "I Dreamed a Dream" and I suddenly felt like I was a French prostitute on the brink of starvation. And then I thought of all the ways I would have added my personal touch if I had been cast in that role and then I was like, "NONSENSE! I'm not skinny enough for a role like that! Thanks a lot, food and laziness!"

I thought the best thing to do to help me get into a better place emotionally would be to leave the apartment for the evening. So that's what we did. We had an activity with the kids last night. Then on the way home, this happened:

Eli: Do we have to go home?

Daniel: You don't want to go home?

Eli: No. Can't we just go somewhere else.

Daniel: Like where?

Eli: Um. I don't know. Anywhere really. Like, I don't know, maybe, for example, like, oh I just thought of one place! What about the airport?

Daniel: Why would we go there?

Eli: To fly away and never ever come back to this part of the world ever again unless it's in a fighter jet and and we have come here to destroy the nation.

Daniel: Eli. Is this still about the rat?

Eli: He has a name!

Daniel: Oh? What is it?

Eli: Leotrix, duh.

Daniel: Ugh. Ok. So is this about Leotrix?

Eli: You don't need to use finger quotes when you say Leotrix's name. He's real, Daniel. And yes, this is about him. I don't want to live here anymore because of Leotrix. This island is too small for both of us.

Daniel: Eli, we have to just keep living our lives. We can't let . . . Leotrix control us.

Eli: Well . . . I guess as long as we keep the windows shut while we're away, it should be ok.

Daniel: Yeah, oh good. I'm glad you remembered to shut them tonight.

Eli: Excuse me? I thought you shut them.

**Ten seconds of terrified silence**

Daniel & Eli: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHAT IF IT GOT BACK IN WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

We got to the apartment a few minutes later and saw, to our horror, that Leotrix had returned with a fierce vengeance and had eaten a hole through the new screen. And he must have been pissed because the chocolate cake was gone because Daniel didn't save him a piece.

Pandemonium struck again and I no longer felt like I had overreacted yesterday.

If anything I had UNDERREACTED. Because HELLO! LEOTRIX IS NOT GOING AWAY!

Then Daniel came up with what is probably the most productive but WORST plan either of us has suggested. He filled a large water bottle with cake and water and stuck it outside with the intention of letting Leotrix get in and drown. He said he was going to sleep in the front room and keep watch throughout the night. I made DAMN sure he was aware that he was completely alone in this.

Eli: I want to make DAMN sure that you understand that you are completely alone in this.

Daniel: Why?

Eli: Daniel. What are you going to do if this plan actually works?

Daniel: What do you mean?

Eli: If Leotrix really drowns in that water bottle, are you really going to go out and gather it up in the morning?

Five seconds later Daniel went outside and brought the bottle back into the apartment and began cleaning it out.

So instead of trying to take matters into our own hands, I called the landlady again and I swear to you, this was our exact conversation:

Eli: Hi Joy. Thanks so much for replacing the screen yesterday! The new screen looks great!

Joy: Uh-oi (This "word" is Palauan. It means every possible thing. It's the laziest word of all time and I never know what is being communicated at me when it is said. I always assume I'm being complimented.)

Eli: Thanks! That's so nice of you! Actually, I'm calling to inform you that Leo--uh--the rat came back and ate the new screen.

Joy: Uh-oi.

Eli: You're too kind! So . . .

Joy: Rat?

Eli: Yes. It keeps eating our things. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ANY CHOCOLATE CAKE OUT FOR IT!

Joy: Uh-oi.

Eli: Oh stop! Also I'm pretty sure it used tape to hang up a bunch of stuff and that's why some of the paint has been ripped from the walls.

So today when I got to the office and very calmly explained to my friend Brian that Leotrix had returned, he suggested that we retaliate and go to Leotrix's home and take something of his. So that's exactly what Daniel I tried to do today after work. We went to the dumpster area to take some trash. But we got freaked out when we saw this.

This is the outside of the garbage area.

This is looking into the garbage area.

~It Just Gets Stranger

NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!

2013-05-22T00:20:00.001-07:00

I NEED EVERYONE'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION WHILE I HAVE A MAJOR ONLINE FREAK OUT AND MELTDOWN IN EPIC PROPORTIONS.

No. Put down that cat and turn off the tv. I mean it. I need your FULL attention. I'll wait.

Now you all know that I don't like to exaggerate and I certainly don't want to overreact here because if there's one thing I hate it's when someone overreacts. But guys. Last night the most HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!

Ok, so that goes maybe a little too far. Maybe this isn't the worst thing ever. Because I know that some bad stuff has happened in the history of the world. Like Justin Bieber, for example. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST NIGHT IS ALMOST AS BAD AS JUSTIN BIEBER!

I seriously cannot use big enough words to describe for you exactly how traumatized I am today. And as you read this story, I need to you keep in mind that you are reading the words of a completely crazed and terrified human being who doesn't know whom to turn to or where to go in this great time of horror and tragedy.

The evening started out innocently. Dinner with a few friends. They were acting suspiciously but I didn't catch on that something was happening. The next thing I knew, they had made up some excuse for why I needed to go into someone's apartment after dinner. So I did, and a small surprise birthday party awaited me inside.

I know, guys. My birthday was like four days ago. It's ok that I had a birthday party yesterday. It's not cheating. Now you know that you are welcome to give me a surprise birthday party with cheesecake any day of the year.

The party was really nice and I felt very loved.

It ended. We left and stopped by my office to gather piles of clothes that had collected there so I could take them home.

Everything seemed to be going so well. It was like all of the things that have gone wrong in my life recently didn't really matter anymore because I had friends who loved me and threw me a birthday party several days after my birthday. I felt like life was taking a turn for the better. Nothing could completely ruin my night and whole life and perception of existence, surely.

Daniel and I walked up the hill to the apartment and I had a smile on my face the whole time.

We got to the door and Daniel opened it because I'm not allowed to have a key anymore and plus my hands were full with all of the clothes we had picked up.

He walked in and flicked the light on, and suddenly, the most terrible awful horrible terrifying thing caught my attention.

There was a long trail of chocolate cake crumbs from the window to the garbage can in the kitchen. Then I saw it: a hole the size of a baseball had been EATEN through the screen.

I stood outside, clutching the pile of clothes in my arms, refusing to enter the apartment.

Eli: What is this?! What happened here?!

Daniel: I . . . I don't know. Do you think . . . do you think a rat ate through the screen and broke in?

Eli: Ooooohhhhh myyyyyyy gooooooosh oh my gosh OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH NO NO NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO NO NO NO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WE HAVE TO MOVE RIGHT NOW LEAVE EVERYTHING LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniel: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK FOR A MINUTE!!!

I knew Daniel was greatly stressed at this point because he is morally opposed to the word "shut up." One time he found out that I quoted him as saying "shut up" on Stranger and he demanded that I take it down. So I pretended like I was doing just that but I had already turned my computer off so I was just fake-typing and saying under my breath "ok . . . delete . . . hmmm . . . what's another way of saying 'shut up' . . . how about 'please be quiet' . . . ok . . . and POST . . . and . . . done." But really I never changed it. Because of laziness.

Daniel went to the window and noticed that there was fur left all over the screen. And when he announced this I felt my spirit attempt to tear itself from my body. And my body was like, "uh-uh. Nope. You are NOT leaving me motionless in this mess." So it didn't work. Plus my spirit would miss ice cream too much so it could never really leave. Ice cream is the reason I probably won't ever die.

We finally talked ourselves into some calm rational thought and decided that the best thing to do would be to burn the apartment complex to the ground with everyone in it and have the president declare marshal law on the entire equatorial Pacific.

Here's the thing, everyone. These aren't just typical run-of-the-mill rats from Hell. These are mutant freak rats that have been promoted as supervisors on the night shift over the other rats from Hell.

We see them every time we take the garbage out because there are somewhere around 14 million of them hanging out at the dumpster down the hill. They are the size of cats and they have shark teeth. Like, the rows of teeth just how sharks have them. And their eyes are bright red and their tails are as thick as a tree and as long as Daniel's femurs.

An actual true picture that hasn't been altered in any way of what we came home to last night.

And the thought that one of those was in MY house is so unbelievably violating and horrific and I'm just going to say it once and for all:

I HATE ANIMALS. WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THEM ON THE EARTH!?! Humans and animals should not live on this planet together! One of us needs to go! I propose that it should be them because their category includes snakes and snakes shouldn't exist. They just shouldn't.

I'll make an exception for sea turtles. Because I think sea turtles might be magical and I love them with every fiber of my being. Humans and Sea turtles can all live on this planet together. BUT THAT'S IT. All the rest of them need to go!

This break-in discovery was so traumatic that I didn't even have time to wonder who the HELL threw away a piece of chocolate cake in the first place! A tragedy in and of itself! Daniel had made the most delicious chocolate cake for my birthday and I was certain that none of it had been wasted.

We started cleaning the place up. The perfect trail of cake crumbs showed that the rat had jumped up onto the chair below the window in order to get back up to the hole that it had eaten through the screen to get back outside. The thought of it doing this is still giving me the heeby jeebies. If I wasn't so morally opposed to drinking, I would make sure to become completely plastered for the remainder of 2013.

Once we had over-sanitized everything in the apartment, Daniel said the most frightening words I've ever heard come out of another person's mouth.

"What if it's still in the apartment?"

Without another thought, we were both outside, running around in circles, shaking each of our limbs as though it might have been on us.

We spent the next half hour wandering through the apartment and checking every possible place for any sign of a rat. Eventually we put a piece of chocolate cake in a sealed bag and stuck it out on the balcony as a test.

We woke up this morning to find the bag completely torn to pieces.

I'm looking into having a skin transplant right after my lobotomy.

On the drive to work this morning, Daniel was trying to be positive:

Daniel: On the bright side, this experience means that my chocolate cake is so good that rats are willing to eat through walls to get to it!

Eli: It was a screen, Daniel. Don't be dramatic.

How can rats even jump that high!?!?

~It Just Gets Stranger