Its My Life

My Highlight of the week.....

2019-02-01T12:10:00.003-08:00

Is getting confirmation that there is nothing wrong with me on how long it is taking me to heal my broken heart. i really needed to read the post my sister tagged me in. and wow all the feedbacks have been amazing. especially the ones who saw my happiness with Cedric. I am still in love with him, but i have accepted the loss. i will never forget the feeling when my heart was shattered and the evil that caused it. my heart is still bruised... but, God has been by my side helping me through it. and soon i will be fully healed. but i was really happy on how this post explain what i could never put into words why it has taken me so long. when Cedric kept telling me " i will never hurt you, i will not do to yo what the others have done, i am not like the other men" many times he said this to me and it took some time to believe him and when i finally did, i let my guard down and allowed myself to love him, i put my entire heart into loving him. i am not saying that Cedric didnt love me back. i have confirmation that he still does. He was just not strong enough to stand up for himself and for us. a few times after we broke up he told me to wait and give him time to speak up. so i cant imagine the fear that was brought on him if he chose me. pure evil.. but i have forgiven him, but i will not allow myself to go back to him. but i will love him for a very long time and forever keep him in prayer.

below was my post.... thank you all for your support in my healing process.

God Only Knows....

2019-01-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

i have been having more setbacks than i expected. And i realized that next month will mark one year in this healing of my heart. after August i was able to smile when memories came up with Cedric.

yesterdays memories were when him and I and the kids stayed at a hotel for his holiday party. we had so much fun. The next day him and I and the kids went to Dave and Busters and had a blast. i really miss him and the kids. Soleil misses him and the kids too. she randomly tells me how much she misses him and his kids.
I think that the reason i am having a lot of setbacks, is because it is going to be a year next month. i cant believe i have been trying to heal for a year. i can remember it all like it was just yesterday. in July Cedric finally told me whole story and he realized the mistake he made and that mistake was, him not telling me in the beginning. if he would of told me then him and i together would of figured out a way around her manipulating plan. but he tried to take care of it on his own and she knew his weakness all along and she used those kids to force him back in her life with petty threats that i know would not and could not stand. but like i said, he stuck there and now even longer so he will have to make the best out of it and i know Cedric. it will just be for his kids and that is it. he will go through hell and unhappy situations as long as his kids are by his side. and for that i keep in prayer.
what him and i had, i know he still thinks about. i use to pray for him to come back, now i just pray for him to have peace.

i was lost in thought the other day about how a year was about to come up and the state i was in when i lost the man i love. heartache is real and the pain is really there. but if i would of paid attention to my body and known i was growing a life in me. i would of taken better care of myself.

this song came on the radio and out of the song these words were loud and clear:

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'
Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how its killing you

But there's a kind of love that God only Knows
when you pray with your hurt heart and you plead with your hurt heart, pay attention to your surroundings God finds a way to let you know... he has heard you and he is working on you.

til next time...

Thanks for the reminder!

2019-01-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

wow my friend thank you for reminding me that i forgot to post in this blog, i have been so busy posting day by day on the my "journey " blog i forgot to come here. i know some of you have access to my journey blog and WOW it is coming along! dont worry in a few months or so i will post a link in this blog and you all can check out whats going on.

SO, whats been going on since the last post!!!

Well i went Back home to Texas for Thanksgiving. you know i have been through so much heartache that i really needed to leave and be with family. they all know i have been hurting for Cedric all these months and they have been keeping me in prayer for strength. they asked me to come home for the holiday and i thought it was great idea, for both Moon and I.we have spent our holidays alone since moving here. all holidays. so this time i thought it would be nice for her to be around her dad, her cousins and just a great big family gathering. we were originally suppose to go just for 5 days but it turned into 11 days lol when i saw my mom i ran to her and i cried so hard. you know when you experience a break up and experience a miscarriage all at the same time, sometimes you just want your mom. my mom knows me...she knows that when i hurt i keep to myself. and i have been. i have turn to the Lord for my pain. and i have been talking to positive people. i still hang out with Cedric's family and they are so amazing. they treat me and my daughter like family. so... positive people anywhoooo of course after visiting time was over my mom and my Tia's all wanted to know what happened. and just like Cedric's family, my family saw nothing but happiness between him and I. my family have been waiting to meet him since the day i told them that him and i had reached the " i love you" level. i am not like some people out here who fall in love 10 times out of their lifetime. i have only been in love twice. so for my family to know that i am in love and happy they are anxious to meet him. but i told them what went down on my end... and what i thought about it all and then i told them Cedric's side and they side with me when i tell them that Cedric is just a victim as i am. especially when he realized the mistake he made and coming to his senses that nothing was the same and that his heart belong to me. til this day... i have received confirmation that his heart is still mine. but i have come this far where i will not go back.and as he and I both predicted... he is stuck there so he will just have to make the best out of it. it isn't fair to us.. but its ok. like i told my family.. my crying at night has lessened. all the facebook memories and our personal pictures (not posted) make me smile now.. not cry.. so that tells you how far God has brought me. our Thanksgiving Dinner prayer, my family added a prayer for Cedric and that with the choice he made that he is never unhappy or disrespected. His happiness is all that matters to me now. he is a good man who loves his kids and the way it all this went down will not go on too long. there is no doubt him and I think of eachother. and that makes me feel content. im all good with that. I can be in love with him and not want him back. That Is the level I am at. With Gods help.

otherwise after that emotional first few days. the trip was awesome! i spent lots of time with my nieces and my sister..my mom my best friend!!it was a blast! i did get sick my last few days there and flew home sick that was the only downfall. but for the first time coming home i wasn't dreading coming back to reality of my heartbreak. it still there. but i feel so much comfort in how it is healing. i have setbacks but that is expected.

Christmas was good. i did a whole lot of shopping for my daughter haha i got everything on her list and i also made sure i got something for Alison, Jordan, Chloe, Ethan, Mason, Rojo and 2 of Moon's friends Sonia and Ruby! so my heart was happy making them all happy. oh and i also bought my friend Luis gifts i bought him a wallet with a picture of him and his son and some more of that yummy cologne he wears! Moon and i went to Christmas service and Christmas day we spent some time with Nita and family and had a great Samoan Christmas dinner, so all in all, it was a great Christmas. New years was also good. i didnt do much just spent time with my daughter. and well she crashed on me haha i did have a good cry the last hour of the year. 2018 was not good to me. So i prayed and i asked God to give me the strength to control my 2019 and with this journey going on so far these first 10 days of the year have been great! Dating has been hard, I always cancel... and well i finally went on my first official date since the break up.. it was fun and nice but i realized after our kiss good bye for the night that i might not be ready to be kissing other men hahaha i mean my friend Luis i can kiss and do stuff with, i have no issue, everything with him is familiar to me... but strangers... i am just not feeling it. but he was a really nice man. and still is..

work has been good. i have improved, i am sure i mentioned that during my breakup and Miscarriage and the betrayal that was put on me (GRRR) i was so broken that i couldn't concentrate or pick myself up that i almost lost my job from so many mistakes. with the few anxiety attacks i had to open up to what was going on and my company took that in consideration and worked with me. i finally caught up and became even better and got, NOT ONE, but TWO raises :-) so all is good and i should be getting my new house this year... yep i am buying a house up here which means i will be here permanently! Washingtonian :-)

i am hoping to go for Casino night again this weekend.. man Vegas got me hooked on Slots

the Journey is going.. and really excited and it has been keeping my mind and heart occupied.

and well i guess that is it from the last post on here! below will be some pictures. i am sure some of you have already seen the good ones on facebook, ok. until next time!!! i will not forget about this blog again haha thank you all for your concerns and hearing me out and being part of my personal thoughts and ventings :-) and thank you all for your feedback and continued encouragement in my healing process. when i love..i put my whole heart in it. so it takes me a long time to heal and move on with another. so thank you all...

until Next post :-)

What an awesome week.

2018-11-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

Halloween was great! Moon had so much fun at both events. She was a zombie baby this year. It has been awhile since I saw her have a good time. Since she was tiny, Halloween has always been her and her dad's holiday. Since moving up here I have tried to make it as fun as possible. Her first event was at her after school care. She ran around with her friends and I hung out to get to know other parents. Halloween night we went to our church, Calvary Chapel South, for Festi-fall. And she had a great time. There was even a petting Zoo there, Moon loves animals. It was really fun.
EOM is upon me at work, so work has been a bit crazy. But I have my sweet friends there who I get to hang out with on our breaks and lunches. So it wasn't that bad for the the start of EOM. But tomorrow is Monday we will see what is in store for me.
Friday I went over to Tammy and Jason's for the evening and Jason made my favorite... Pancit ( I hope I spelled that right) and Tammy got the kids stuff to make slime (ewww) . It was such a fun evening hanging out with my newfound family up here in the PNW. And getting to hang out and get to know Kevin more was so.much fun. I love all of them. So much fun and laughter that night. Finally true friendship. I was having trouble in the beginning on who to trust. There is no doubt that Cedric's family, have become true and honest friends of mine and Aunties and Uncles to my daughter. I can talk about fun memories of Cedric and I , to them and they can sense how much I love and miss him and still care for him. And they also know when it's time to change the subject.hahaha I.love that about them. Forever laughing when we hang out.
You know, there has been so much heartache this year in 2018 and alot has been caused by mean evil people who think it's ok to mess up something good in people's lives. My heartbreak is one of them and then there are two more couples going through the same thing and with my heart still trying to heal, I have been feeling really sad for them. My first few months of my heartbreak were crucial. And watching them go through the hurt, confusion, the pleading and the questions they keep asking themselves, it rattles my brokenheart, because even though I am almost 9 months into healing my heart, I can still feel the pain they are now feeling like it was yesterday. I really dont have any advice for them but to say " pray everyday" I cant tell them " stop crying" because there is no stopping.. I STILL cry for him every night. I cant say " just move on" because I have tried and it doesnt feel right when you are with someone else and your heart belongs to someone else. All I can say is that you go through the motions and keep God first. Take time to yourself and heal the right way.
If you see that the one you love has moved on, then just accept that the Their love for you was not as strong as yours and keep your head up. God Is close to the broken. And he heals you and brings you back to life in front of the people who broke you. Being evil and mean does not last. Keep in mind that our God is amazing that he " Gives and he Takes Away",

I am not choosing sides on any of this that is going on with my friends, I love my friends and just here for them. As they have been for me, in the beginning and still.

So I have some good news!!! Journey is moving along great!!! That news will come soon...

And I am about to start moving forward with buying my first house!! Yep my family is not too happy that I have decided to make Washington state my permanent home Haha I am excited!
I will also keep you all updated on that progress.
In two weeks we fly back home to Texas for 10days. So I finally get to see my other two babies and my family. AND my bestfriend.
God has been amazing, he holds my broken heart together in his hands so that I can have the strength to stand tall and move to better things for my daughter and I. He holds it long enough so that I can smile and laugh with the people he has brought into my life. And when I am done with my day he holds me while I cry myself to sleep because he is reminding me that my shattered heart is still there and it's ok to release the hurt... in tears.

Til next time...

Here i am!

2018-10-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

whats been going on....

It has been such a busy couple of weeks. i have so much to say and share.
i have been good though. had a couple of setbacks but nothing i cant overcome. My daughter was sick for whole weekend. and now a few days later i get what she has lol so its a no win on the coming down with the sickness.
Work has been pretty busy as well but mainly with filing and trying to catch up with my accounting part. i swear i need a assistant lol I have been keeping myself very occupied. all the math homework Moon brings home has paid off. she ranked in the top 3 in Math and Spelling. yep proud mother moments right there. She is very smart. very observant and her heart is as big as mine. We have been counting down the days for our holiday trip back home. The two years Moon and i have lived here we have spent the holidays alone. and we are ok with that. but this time i want to go back home for her i know she misses her grandma and dad and Tia and her cousins. so we are going home. i cant wait to see everyone as well. and my bestie too!! i have so much to talk to her about.
Life is moving along smoothly, All with Gods help of course.

my thoughts.....
I have come to realize... you cant fix stupidity. The evil i have witnessed last week with this same person, just leads me to believe that... something is just not right in peoples head. when you realize the sick pleasure people get out of hurting others it becomes reality that some people need professional help. The man i love, is tangled in that web, but all i can do is pray for him...and i know for a fact that all the traps in the world will not change how him and i feel, it is just all for show, all i feel for that kind of evil now days... pitty, there is no destroying what him and i have, therefore long live the paranoia, insecurities, and doubts... yep self destruction.. caused by evil intentions... and well... that is all i am going to say about that.

My Journey....
Everything is going great. so much feedback as it continues. I cant wait to share with the rest.

My healing process...
It is going good. I still cry for him at night. I have gone over in my mind what our last conversation was about and how we reasured each other. which is why i mentioned in the last paragraph...nothing can change what him and I feel for each other. even going separate ways, and having to keep it deep in our hearts... we know.. always... and knowing what he told me of all of this and how it came to this. but it has been 8 months now and i have been a bit emotional because i was Just approaching 7 weeks when i lost our baby in March with a due date of October 21st. So while my daughter was sick that weekend and resting i was very emotional. not only for that loss but for past 3 before, i never forget. And this is where i know God is working in me. All the hurt, all the pain, all the mean that has been done to me through out my life... He is finally giving me the answers. it is all about faith. and the evil games and things that people do to me or continue to try, does not go on and will not last. which is why no one can hurt me anymore. that damage has been done already and i have laid my broken heart at his feet to monitor from here on out. So NOTHING can come in or out of what is already healing. they will exhaust themselves until they stop and realize.... God was by my side the whole time they were poking at me.
this too shall pass.

I decided.....
to open my facebook back up. i was deactivating it because i was not wanting to see the memories that were coming up for him and i. and i started to miss seeing what my family back home were up to so i made some changes to my facebook and opened it back up. i saw our Vegas trip memories and i just smiled. I also cried... but smiled more. what him and i became during that trip was amazing. every picture i looked at i can remember the exact words and things we did before and after each capture. I love him so much and i believe this will all go how it is suppose to go. until then.. i continue moving forward and praying.

ok until next post!!!

I Never Forget....

2018-10-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

12/09/2007

01/29/2012

07/17/2014

03/11/2018

Let The Journey Begin...

2018-10-08T22:00:00.001-07:00

well it is all about to start. only a handful of people know about this journey.and out of the handful i got exactly the response i thought i would BUT.. i also have their support and prayer. i have started a sub-blog which will only be about my Journey and i am sorry but only the handful of people will have access to that blog. when it is complete the world will know and then i will open that for the world to read my day by day on this! i prayed a lot about this and i really need this distraction. God has seen everything i have been through in my life. this last humiliation that happened to me could of ended me. but i chose to take my shattered heart to God. it is going on 8 months next week and i still cry myself to sleep. it has become something i am use to. I went to the pier the other day and i cried and i cried. I thought about everything i have been through and all that was done to me since i was little girl. If i told you my whole life story you would probably wonder how i am still standing. How i still have faith. i wonder that myself. i handled pain in many different ways throughout the years. and a lot of what i have been through i still cant talk about. and how i handled it was not good. when i was at the pier i asked God, what did i do to deserve everything i have been through since i was a child? why did it all happen to me? why did i get all the men that were nice and true in the beginning? why did they change to verbally and physically abuse me? how did i become the easy target of fake love or fake friendship? i cherish friendship, i cherish love, and i cherish family. how could someone pretend to be so true to me and make me feel that it was ok to let my guard down give my heart away yet a second time and then be humiliated for the world to see i was nothing? why ? i have a good heart, i rather give than receive. i help where it is needed and i am always here, good to people... what did i do wrong as a child that my life became doomed? and then... Sunday i went to church and Pastor Kevin told us that we were going to start The Book of Job. "Why Good People Suffer". the Prologue alone Answered all the questions i asked. And i am so ready to continue this book for the next couple of months. dont worry this was not my Testimony, later i will be strong enough to present my testimony but at the moment, i want to get through my heartbreak and fully heal. my heart will heal, but my love for him will always be there. i pray every night for him. i miss him so much. but.... life.. it goes on....

i had a great weekend, Friday Moon and I picked up dinner on the way home and watched movies on Freeform. then On Saturday morning we went to eat breakfast at our favorite breakfast restaurant called "Youngs" its a family owned place with amazing breakfast. OH and let me tell you, my daughter no longer eats out of the kids menu lol she a big breakfast haha i love her! she is growingso fast.. then we came home and got dressed and met up with Rey and his adorable little boy. I met Rey for the first time at church. he knows what i am going through. so he has been very patient and caring. Rey is a single father. and just like me he just got out of relationship maybe a few months before me. Just like my situation the people we thought loved us back moved on to another relationship shortly after breaking up with us. in the beginning it is hard to comprehend what just happened but as the months go by we start to accept it and well.. that is all we can do. we lose... there is nothing more to do.
Reys little boy is 2 years old and Moon and I just adore him. we took the kids to the children's museum and we all had fun lol. Then after that Rey took us all to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. it was an awesome day. Then Moon and i just stayed in the rest of the evening and watched movies. Sunday of course we went to church, and i already mentioned what went down :-) God found a way to answer my questions. we have an amazing God.

End of Months have been pretty stressful. i think today was my worst so far as we are trying to close out the month. on the 8th!!! lol i am hoping that tomorrow we can finally close out.

well that is all for now. until next time!

Goodbye Grandma Consuelo Ramirez Hernandez

2018-10-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

Today is a very hard day for my Hernandez family. My Grandma was a strong woman. Diabetes attacked her in so many ways but she always pulled through it all. Diabetes is a horrible illness to get. throughout the years it attacks portions of your body and with medicine now days there is hope.but there are two types of Diabetes. one type can be controlled and the other needs help. and one of the symptoms of this is pain. it can be painful. sometimes it feels weird to say the words " she is no longer in pain" and yes we all can agree.. but we are human and everyone has a little selfishness in them and think " but i want her here with me". our hearts hurt so much that she suffered in pain AND that she is gone. This is where you mourn but you also remember to trust in God. He knows when it is our time to go. He knows when our body cant take anymore.

I have a lot of memories as a child with my grandmother. And even though we hardly ever saw here after a while, i know my grandma kept my sister and i deep in her heart. when we would visit her talk to her over the phone she would express with tears or just pure happiness how much she loved hearing from us. a lot of my childhood memories are not good, but the ones with my grandma always good. i was 6 years old when she took me to a "baile" and my Tia who was a year older than me taught me how to dance my first Cumbia lol Grandma loved her music.

i wish i could go on but my memories are a bit cloudy and as i got older i distance myself from a lot of family stuff that went down just to keep peace. but one thing remained. i loved my grandma so much and thought of her always. and enjoyed every phone call and times we visit her.

i wish i could be home with my family right now. especially for my dad. moving to Seattle i knew that i would be missing out on a lot of family events and i was a bit ok with that because i am loner, i run from things, i am spontanious i will go out and take chances. with video chat and phone calls.. faecbook, i can join in and watch or hear.... but when something happens back home that is sad, i literally feel the distance when i cant be there for support. or even worse when i am up here alone to deal with it. and everyone knows that when i am hurt, broken or just upset i disappear, so everyone just leaves messages to let me know they are thinking of me or just simple text that say " i love you" and dealing with my grandmothers death alone up here, has its moments. but i keep myself busy.

til we meet again Grandma.

I love you!

2018

2018-10-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today my grandmother passed away. The weirdest thing about today was.... around 10 I went down to take a break with Tammy and Pele. On my way back, I just felt like something was not right. Then my mom called to tell me the bad news.
2018 has not been good to me. My heart has been hurting since Jan. 1st
My lil brother (cousin) died on new years day and I remember the pain.... a month later, February, I lost my boyfriend. From what he has told me... i just take it as..he was practically forced to leave me ...and that shattered me. I know he still loves me. I never doubted his words and still dont... I love him too. In March I miscarried after finding out I was pregnant just 6 days before! And now months later my heart still hurts and now my grandmother passed away. I really hope this is the end of bad news. I cant take another kick while I heal. I'm gonna crack!

My days , from my last post have been ok. I kind of had a few setbacks with the memories that keep popping up. I am so confused when I see these memories because we were so happy. I know he thinks of me too. What we were building together was perfect, until he made a decision without talking to me first. He regrets that, but it is what it is. I miss him, but... I just keep him in prayer.
So if you dont find me on Facebook, I didn't block you, I have just been deactivating it during the week. I cant stand to see our memories anymore, the feeling is like waves of aftershock to my pain. And this Month will have alot bacause of our plans and our trip to Vegas last year. We both agreed 2 months ago that our love for eachother fell deeper that weekend. I will never understand.

But.... life goes on...

Homework has been our thing every evening. We did take a break and have dinner with Luis. It was really nice to see his face again. I have been a bitch to him just to keep him at a distance. I enjoy time with him and Soleil loves hanging out with him too. But right now, I just want to heal and get through this heartbreak... the right way... it will take time.
Well that is all for now.... please keep my dad and my family back home in Texas In prayer... it is going to be a rough week and i will be mourning from here... i will not be going to Texas until Thanksgiving.

Thank you in advance.

Life... It Goes on

2018-09-23T17:53:00.002-07:00

Today I realized that it has been 7 months. 7 Months and i still cry myself to sleep. Today at church I went in early again to pray. I thanked God for bringing me this far in my heartbreak. i think about everything i have been through in the past 7 months and i cry thinking about it all. i was drowning, i was confused, lost.. i miss him so much. and i still love him. i just keep him in prayer. i still have a long way to go. the healing process seems long. but two months ago i actually began to live life during the day and living all my thoughts and issues for night. but with prayer and faith i believe i can see the light at the end. i just cant believe it has been 7 months it all feels fresh still. but anyway just sharing that thought.

we had fun at the Fair. we met up with Jeremy, Pele, Tammy and family.. and Therese and family.
the kids rode rides and they all played games. it was so fun being around everyone. and i love how they just accept Soleil and treat her so well. one of our reasons for going to the fair is the Elote!! Roasted Corn. so of course we had to get one. oh and we shared a big Turkey leg lol we saw the animals.. the horses.. goats.. pigs.. chickens ... everything!

Work was a bit stressful this past week. but i got through it.

Now tomorrow is Monday.. back to work and School.

Sorry not much to blog today...

til next time

Finally.....

2018-09-19T09:20:00.003-07:00

End of months finally finished. i was so busy the past week! Not much going on last week, just work, home, making dinner and helping my 4th grader with her homework and then calling it a night. oh my goodness, my daughters Homework lol you would think, me being an accountant and working with numbers and stuff that i would be happy to help with her math homework. they do math so much different than i did. i show her how to get her answers and then she shows me how her teacher taught her to do it, to get her answers and i am lost lol but we get the same answers haha. so when i check her homework i do it the "old fashioned" way. its crazy. but yeah... i dont like math.
So i am pretty close to the start of my journey. i am very excited. a lot of the reasons i have not mentioned much about it, is because it is a very big decision. It will impact people in all sorts of ways. so it requires a lot of prayer. i have been praying about it. i have been taking lots of small time to myself... whether its to pray.. think.. cry... so i am actually at the point where i am going through the motions of this healing process. My friends are really great at keeping me occupied. They have all become like family to me. and not only that my daughter loves them all. she refers to them as Uncle and Aunties. yesterday while were all in the car ( me, Pele, Tammy and Moon) Moon mention she was hungry ( she is always hungry lol) . apparently Tammy keeps snacks in her bag always lol so she fed her. then my daughter said something nice that melted my heart. i thanked Tammy for feeding my child and my daughter says "it like i have three other moms, Hsia, Auntie Pele and Auntie Tammy.) that just made us all smile. she has become attached to them and loves the kids. and in the morning on our way to work and school she was doing her homework because she fell asleep and didnt complete it. She was having some issues with it and because i was driving and trying to vision what she was reading to me. Devin took over and started helping her figure out her homework. she refers to Devin as Cousin cause he is young hahaha but i love how we have all become so close that i have a family here in Seattle. I thank God everyday for them. They could of just shut me out a long time ago, but they didnt. they are forever making me laugh. and we all work together its all great.

I cant stop thinking about the visit i had here at my job last week. Not sure what to make of it all. i just need to keep praying about it. i am not going into much details. but its on my mind.

OMG i went to see the Nun on Friday night. it was not as scary as i thought it was going to be. but the nuns face was scary lol but the story to it all was great.

GIANTS!!!
i am a big Giants fan and like half of my facebook peeps are Cowboy fans. and well.. all the trash talk i did, i gulped lol we lost to the Dallas Cowboys and thank goodness it was only 2 bets lol the first one is not bad. when i go to Texas in November, i just need to buy dinner and drinks for a friend and MY favorite restaurant. BUT the second bet... is humiliating lol
i have to send my address ( still taking my time sending it lol) to my friend and he is going to send me a Dallas Cowboy jersey and i have to put it on ( ewwwww), take a picture with me wearing it ( ewwwwww) and post the picture as my profile picture for a WEEK ( OOOOMMMMGGG). yes i know humiliating. and for a week.. how embarrassing!!! So i think i am going to close my facebook HAHHA jk.. a bet is a bet. i guess. i own up to my losses.

well that is all the catching up and the stuff i have on my mind for now. this is like a weeks worth. but it just seems shorter because i am not posting my full thoughts. which you all know consist of him and my heart. but i want to try my best not to bring him up. or talk about my hurt. i want to focus on the good i have going on right now. and this journey coming up. doesnt mean i want to forget him, because i never will. and allowing myself to accept and follow through with the motions, is helping in some weird way. i am just going with it. the crying at night hasnt stopped but i know it will soon. i have faith. i love him, i miss him.... but i am ok ... in some ways.

Weekend Shananagans!

2018-09-10T13:56:00.002-07:00

my weekend was great. it was payday of course its rent n stuff. but i got a bonus for winning employee of the quarter. My daughter and i woke up early, we went to have breakfast at IHop. her choice all the time lol then after that we went to get the oil change on Jack ( trailblazer) and while we waited we got our mani-pedi's. it has been awhile since her and i have gone to do our girlie stuff. it was so fun watching her squirm around haha. she is very ticklish. so everytime they touched her feet she was laughing so hard. i love the sound of my daughters laugh. then afterwards we went to have lunch, then we rested up and then went to the movies. we had a great day. Sunday we went to church. and it was very touching. we all know my heart still aches. i just have been staying strong, keeping my head up. i went in a little early so that i can have time to sit and have a private prayer. well they have music playing of course in the beginning and after prayer i started to wipe my tears away and this song came on. and lyrics were so close to my heart that i knew this was another sign from God. i believe that God uses People, Music.. even movies to speak to us. and the lyrics are:

Tell your heart to beat again

Shattered like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short at time like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

(chorus) Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you been
Tell your heart to beat again

Chorus

Beginning just let that word wash over you
It's all right now
Loves healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up
Take step one
Leave the darkness
Feel the sun
Cuz your story's far from over
And your journeys just begun

Chorus

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
Cuz love seems further
Than you ever could
In this moment heavens working
Everything for your good

It was perfect. You know, everyday since it all went down, every time i think of him, or cry for him i have to keep repeating to myself... "Just Breathe" because i literally stop breathing and then i take a deep breath to fill my lungs again JUST to hold it in again. Healing process has been hard. but like i said God uses people too. i have my entire family in Texas that keep me in prayer. i built Cedric to a high standard to my family and with what he told me, my family understands and also keep him in prayer. and then i have my new friends here that lift me up. Jeremy, Pele, and Tammy have been amazing in my life. they are Cedric's family. and though we all make it an effort not to talk about him. i do mention him a lot in memories. i never want to cause conflict or awkward moments for him and his family. they see how i back him up, no matter how bad he hurt me, i am mature enough to take a loss and my love for him will automatically stand up for him. but they know my pain. and every now and then i get encouraging text or memes that help keep my head up. they are amazing. our plans for the fair did not pan out but we are all still planning to go.

it is the 9th and i am still working on this EOM. we gave someone new in our corporate office so i believe this will drag out a bit longer lol i am sooo ready for the month end to close.

well that is pretty much what went on this past weekend and what has been on my mind. its Monday.. uuuuhhh i am ready for the weekend already lol

til next time....

Give it up!

2018-09-06T10:36:00.000-07:00

PEOPLE FROM MARYSVILLE... I GET A REPORT OF WHO HITS MY BLOG.

GO AWAY! STOP LOOKING AT MY SHIT!!!

HER...HIM...THEM..ENTIRE MARYSVILLE CLAN!!! WHOEVER!!

GROW UP! AND GO AWAY! I DONT GO SNOOPING ON YOUR SHIT!

ONLY PEOPLE WITH GUILTY CONSCIENCE FEEL THEY NEED TO KEEP UP WITH WHO THEY HURT.

IN THIS CASE, YOU BOTH HURT ME! SO... TO FAKE FRIENDSHIP AND FAKE LOVE... EITHER WAY

SUCKS TO BE YOU!!

NONE OF THIS CHANGES HOW I FEEL. I STILL LOVE HIM. I WILL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. MY LOVE WAS NOT FAKE. AND MY LOVE IS NOT A SWITCH NEITHER. SO JUST BACK OFF ALREADY!

SORRY... BUT, YOU BROUGHT THIS BLAST ON YOURSELF. BE LUCKY I DIDNT USE YOUR NAMES!

I NEVER STALK OR SNOOP ON YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA, SEND UGLY MESSAGES TO YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA, ITS ALL YOU GUYS.

I HAVE BEEN STICKING TO MYSELF AND MOVING FORWARD TRYING TO HEAL. YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RESPECT THE PEOPLE YOU HURT LIKE ADULTS DO.

.... AND STAY AWAY.

BUH-BYE!

EOM, Winco Shoppin' and First day of School OH MY!!!

2018-09-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

i got home pretty late last night so i was not able to blog/vent about my EOM day! every first of the month is a challenge and very busy. yesterday was my worst in a while. i lost it lol i laugh about it now because it takes a lot to upset me. but when i start talking about punching someone. then i might actually hit someone! i missed the meeting of my daughters teacher because nothing was done correctly and i had to go back and FIX it. EOM... Payroll before 9am, Hotel Taxes balanced out, inventories turned in. ledgers sent in . then hanging invoices. all of this runs smoother if everyone is doing their part. otherwise i am having to stop what i am doing to figure out what went wrong AAAAAHHHHH!!! That was yesterday! thank goodness i have awesome friends work here to pull me out of my office and i get some fresh air. Pele and Tammy let me know when they were headed down and i was able to sit out with them.. clear my mind.. and come back and do this shit all over again lol

anyway.. later that evening i had a great time with Tammy and her kids. we went shoppin at Winco.. it was fun. winco is like my favorite grocery store it so much like our HEB in Texas. the same pretty much just a different name. so Moon and i spent the evening with them.

TODAY! my daughter started her first day of 4th Grade. i let my boss know i was going to be late because west Seattle does this neat thing where they give the students the "red carpet" experience. all the parents and teachers line up along the red carpet and the kids walk through and cheer them on and give them high fives and at the end they get their red carpet picture taken. cant believe my daughter is 9 and she is 4th grade already! wow time flies!Moon and i are looking forward to this weekend. we are hanging out with Pele, Jeremy, Tammy and her family...and hopefully Luis and his son. i am loving all the distraction right now.... it Keeps my mind off Cedric... BUT... it doesnt keep him out of my heart, I keep in prayer. Love Papi always...AND I am just moving forward at the same time!

well that is it for now.... until next time :-)

Finally...

2018-09-03T16:37:00.001-07:00

The sickness is leaving me. Lol I have been blahhh since I got home Friday. yesterday Moon and I walked to the 7-11 just so I can get some fresh air. I was still a bit weak. But it was nice and Moon started picking berries on the way home. I came home and right back into laying around with Kleenex. My roomie kept Moon busy by giving her a make-over. She looked adorbs!!!
Today I woke up, fixed my hair, put my makeup on and went out looking for furniture. Since we moved here we STILL have not picked out furniture lol so we were out looking. Then we went to to Burlington and fell in love with a Michael Kors jacket. It is very pricey... I would invest it.. But I was wanting it in a black color. I am MK freak haha I want everything I see with that label.
Well back to work tomorrow, I am pretty excited about it. Finally get to throw myself back into work, and see my friends at work so we can have lunch together, I am pretty excited having them in my life. I was sick all weekend, and sleeping all weekend.. but I also cried all weekend... I'm so tired of crying over Cedric. I cant wait until the tears stop. And I start not caring. I am really happy he is living way the fuck on the other side of Seattle.. plus miles. I never want to see him again. I never want to look him in eyes again. I love him so much. But like I have been told.... I deserve better... he is no different than the other men.... but damn I miss him.. more than he will ever know....
Til next time...

uhhhh the sickness is upon me!

2018-09-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

Allergies decided to take me down this Labor Day weekend. uhhhhh!!
Yesterday was my worst day yet... i had a great day. let me tell you the bad..
my head was hurting, i couldn't breathe, i was constantly sneezing. and i was preparing for End of Months. so it was kind of a long day. i really didnt get a lunch so i was also starving lol

the great part of the day is my friend Tammy starting her first day at the Hotel!! i am so excited to have my friends working there. yesterday after work we all gathered in the parking lot for a quick smoke and i just thought to myself.. wow.. finally some true friends! Pele, Devin, Tammy and I are going to have a blast working together. though we are in different departments i always tell Pele to let me know when she heads down for break or lunch so that i can take mine. sometimes i am too busy and cant make it but i try.

so i am pretty far in the show shameless and i have to say. i feel Fiona's character big time. the men that have effed her over. and how she goes in tough and then when she drops her guard is when she gets effed over. up to where she feels like she finally found the perfect man and they know everything about each other's darkness and way of living and they both accept it. then out of no where... betrayal. that part where she was ready to give it all... and then BAM i have been so caught up in this show that i was really hurt for her. but unlike her character i am not as strong as she is. but i will say that our similarities .. she stays strong, i try to stay strong... she keeps her head up, i have just started to keep my head up... when she stops for a minute or finds time alone she cries but she only gives herself a minute and then she wipes her tears and faces the world.... i do the same thing, whether its in my car on my way to work after i drop my daughter off, or after work when i am alone in traffic and on my way to get my daughter. the only issue i have is when i cry for him at night because i am in bed and there is nothing to do but wait to fall asleep.. her character actually helps me get through this in a way.

not only is her character helping me through this. number one person i look to is God. he is the only one who gives me the strength i need to get through the day. then i kind of go off advice from the show lol
then i have my daughter who i focus more on everyday before my own feelings so i make sure she is all good. it breaks my heart when she brings up Cedric and the kids. we both miss them very much. i just tell her that when she thinks of them to just say a prayer for them. we love them. and this is what we do when we love people we are not able to see at the moment. my daughter has seen my hurt over all of this and i am sure she has been confused. she was hurt too. but kids seem to heal a bit faster than we do. i just reassured her that Cedric loves us and he is a good man he is just going through some stuff and we have to just keep him in prayer.
i grew up in situations where if something went bad it was like having to choose between one or the other or hearing the worst about someone and then confusion set in.
that is something i would never do to my daughter. as much as i said out of anger and hurt i made sure that she didnt hear me, especially if she loves the person who did this. i raise my daughter to love no matter what. if someone hurts her then she should just pray about it but never change your ways. whatever happens with me and someone, it stays between me and that someone my daughter can continue to love or like the person she has come to know. some people are mean about situation and they bring thier kids into the hatred and/or use them as weapons to keep what doesn't want them,
its a sad situation.
happiness doesnt last when built from hurting others.. and all the flaunting of "happiness" and trying convince the world of what really doesnt exist.. will not last. so that is why i say i keep Cedric in prayer because of what he has told me is true... this will not go down well.. he will either figure it out, or he drown on that side.
but what is done is done. i am just looking forward to this journey coming up. my heart still hurts and will continue to hurt... but i gotta do me.....

i think i just sneezed like 20 times typing this blog hahaha effin allergies!!

" you say" Lauren Daigle

2018-08-28T19:27:00.001-07:00

https://youtu.be/N8WK9HmF53w

This song ( link above) really touched me last week when I was crying really hard. God finds a way to speak to us. If you listen to the small voices. Sometimes they are in lyrics to a Christian song.
After what happened its been hard to bring myself up. Cedric dropped my self esteem, he took my dignity ,he broke me, practically shattered me with what he did. I was blindsided. He is no different than the the other men who have hurt me. So when I heard this song, I was in tears and praying and asking God, how did I let a man do this to me again. How was i so blinded by his charm that I couldn't see his lies, or what he had planned. And then someone, out of nowhere sent this song to me, as if they knew what I was going through at that moment.... I was reminded.. I am loved, I am strong , I am Held and when I feel like I dont belong... I am His....

LYRICS TO " You say"

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

Usually Monday's suck.... but this Monday was awesome!!

2018-08-28T11:19:00.001-07:00

well of course it started out with me just wanting to stay in bed. i really wish the crying at night will stop. The last few nights i tried to watch shameless until i fell asleep but i kept staying up longer wanting to see what happens next lol it is a good show. but then when i turn it all off and then i am alone with my thoughts and then my heart hurts all over again. ugghhhh!!!
But anyway... i woke up and i laid in bed and i just prayed. I asked a God to give me the better strength than last week. please help me shield my sadness better than last week. I want to have great days ahead of me. please detour my mind each time Cedric tries to come up in my thoughts.

loving someone who broke me, humiliated me, and doesnt care is so exhausting. i tried hating him for a minute. but hate is not even a feeling i can get to. it is gonna take some time. i still hang out with his family because they are my friends. and it has been great. they know how i am feeling and how i am trying to heal so Cedric doesnt come up at all when we are around.. i like that. they prove to me that i am a friend and not just someone to manipulate. they are so caring and sincere. makes me remember when Cedric was that caring and sincere... i dont even know who he is anymore.

But anyway enough about the fakes!
My Monday yesterday was great! it was busy..but it was a good day. i feel confident that my decision on not talking to any of the men i was talking to, was the right decision. so i came to work with a smile. then during our morning huddle they made an announcement that i was the "employee of the Quarter" winner. i was surprised because i am usually one of the decision makers when it comes to deciding who wins every quarter and this time i was trying to remember if i was off when they all came to a decision haha but it turns out it had to be without me because they all thought that i good enough to make it! i was really happy and honored. and the prize was great. i got Money and my GM knows that i am trying to get back on my Vegan life. i fell off while i spending drunkin days in Vegas hahaha man i miss vegas with my bestie !!! wait.. i am going back! thats right i am! cant wait

well that is all i have to say about my Monday. i think i am able to open my blog back up now. i am sure they have given up on snooping. i was able to report this " De Guzman" profile that kept harassing me so i havent received any messages in past week. i locked my blog so that the nosey asses can go away. so now i can get back to my blogging to the world not just the U.S.
so just a lil bit longer on my big news...dont worry soon i will start to blog about it.

til next time :-)

Mixed feelings

2018-08-26T20:57:00.002-07:00

It has been a weird week. I have been sad. i mean i HAVE BEEN with all the shit that went down. but i have really been keeping myself occupied during the day. but now... i am just going through the motions all over again. i think about his words and our time together and it is so hard to believe he did this to me. my heart hurts really bad. but i am gonna get through this. well i managed to push everyone out of my life at the moment. Cody... he is a nice man.. i just cant move further than a date. i am not ready. i met a man 2 weeks ago and also seemed nice... i am cant move further. And well Luis and I were just friends with Benefits.. but i managed to pick a fight in order for me to distance myself from him. i just want to be alone. everyone thinks i should just move on with someone else. but when my heart loves... it loves hard and only belongs to one person for a long time. and it isnt fair to the next person. i really wish Cedric would of been honest with me. i would of never dropped my guard... he played me good.

Well, other than my unusual silence here and there.. the week has been ok. i continue to throw myself into work to keep from thinking. i am going to get back to my vegan and workout. and kickboxing.

This past weekend was my daughters bday weekend. so Thursday night i made 54 cupcakes and 50 giftbags for her summer camp group. Then Saturday night she had her friend stayover. today were suppose to go to the Seattle Center fountains. Tammy and her girls were gonna go with us but the weather was too cold. so for lunch we went to a McDonalds that had a playscape and Jeremy met us there to eat with us and bring Moon a gift card from him and Pele. Then i took them to Steel park to play some more and then get dirty in the sand. Moon had a great bday weekend.
i cant believe she is 9 years today.

It has been an amazing 9 years.

well until next time :-)

Wonderful weekend!

2018-08-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

So my week was pretty sucky last week. trying to forget Cedric is pretty damn hard. but i know i can do it. i just have to accept and move on. and keep repeating in my mind what he did to me. the process should speed up. i have so many good friends that are helping me out. i still cry a lot for him. but its natural i guess.
anyway. i get a text from Luis. asking if i have plans. of course i didn't. So he sent me a text saying to be ready by 6:30am, he is coming to pick us up. i asked him where were going and he said... "just be ready". it kind of reminded me of the surprise roadtrips he use to randomly plan when him and i were together. tell us to be ready and he takes us to the coolest places. the only hint i got was " wear shoes that can get dirty, and we will need sandwiches and water" i thought.. it was the beach. he knows my favorite spot is Ocean Shores so i totally thought that was where we were going.
the next morning Moon and i were ready and excited. when he came to get us we had a surprise! his son was in the truck with him!! omg i was so excited that we were all going to spend time together.
it was such an awesome road trip. Luis was so happy to be with his son. the trip took 3 hours and we finally arrived! we went to Cougar Falls. it was so beautiful. of course we had to hike to the bottom. well i never really get into water unless its a pool. but we had to walk across the river and it was a fun challenge lol the best part of being out in the mountains is that there is no service out there. you are forced to spend quality time with the people you are with. and it was the best. i loved sitting back watching Moon have a great time.. she LOVES water. she is my water baby. Luis and his son Lil Luis also having a blast. THEN there were people Cliff diving. in the entrance it tells you the dangers of cliff diving and they ask that you DONT do it. well...brave crazy Luis saw it and said.. "i am going up"oh my gosh my heart got scared and i asked him to PLEASE dont lol but he did. i saw him up there and i started getting nervous.. and sick to my stomach. my worst thought was that he was going to fall short and hit a rock. of course i went out into the water to get a video of it. OMG it was crazy but nothing beats that smile when he came up from the water. i was just so excited for him. his adrenaline was pretty high. and when he was coming down from that high he was shaky but still very happy. THEN he went again. so i can record it in slow motion. THEN he did it one last time and messed up his face. lol but all in all.. we had a blast. picnic on the rocks. all three of them in the water. and me just relaxing and watching all of them having a blast. it was a wonderful weekend.
a lot of you know how much i love scenery and omg the drive out there was freakin beautiful.

well. i locked my blog for a bit. hoping that the people in Marysville.. her family and friends will give up. i am going to give it a couple of weeks before i open it up again. i really like seeing my blog mapped around the world and getting comments with advice.. but for now. i will keep it locked. oh and i am working on my website again. i use to love building webpages. and now i am going to start up again. i am excited. AND lets not forget the news i have coming up...... cant say yet!

til next time!!

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10156596753208770&id=667513769

Click link to see album!

I am sooooo sleepy!!

2018-08-17T09:17:00.001-07:00

first of all, i want to apologize for the last post. you all know how i get when i am angry lol dont get me wrong i dont regret the post at all.. just that you all had to read it, when it was meant for the idiots who dont leave me alone. but thank you all for the support and words of comfort and calmness. i usually don't fall to the level of stupidity but sometimes you have to in order for them to understand, you cant fix stupid sometimes you just have to break it down in their level. but i will tell you that each time i have gone to that level is out of defense. but none of this is targeted towards Cedric. even though he did me wrong and broke me, i defend him. He is a good man. you all saw how happy we were. He would do anything for his kids and to be around his kids. that is what i love about him. the only thing that upsets me and disappoints me, is his decisions. when he finally told me the situation we both agreed he should of told me in the beginning, then this could of went another route. but enough about this. the last post had nothing to do with Cedric and i appreciate all of your feedback and concerns about him. you all have not even met him, but still care as if you did. and you all understand his situation like i do.. and you all understand my frustrations not being with the man i love. but i am ok. sometimes you just have to accept and move on. doesnt mean i stop loving him.. just keep him in my heart. and pray for him. he will gain strength. i have faith in him. i always have.. but he is a grown man, eventually he is going to figure it all out.

so this past week has been open enrollment at our hotel and i have like 50 + employees to chase down and like 5 different languages to try to communicate with lol Thank you Google translate for having all the languages i need. it has been a crazy week and i am now down to 6 people to catch and 2 of them are my overnight people so ummmm i may have to come up late night or come to work extra morning. and with all my crazy late nights i barely want to get out of bed every morning. i have been binge watching Shameless like everynight. and some nights i will fall asleep watching it and some nights i have to turn it off to get some sleep ... but then that leaves me in the dark.. in silence.. and thoughts of Cedric so then i spend an hour or so crying until i fall asleep.. yep late nights suck.

i finally figured out what we are going to do for my daughters birthday! i cant believe she is going to be 9 already!! its going to take a lot of planning so yay!! something to distract me. lol i gotta make party favors and decorations... yes i am making my own shit haha When i ran these plans by her.. she was excited so.... it will be fun.

So a lot of you were right. i did allow them to get me by fighting with me on social media, i let them push me to the point of deactivating my facebook a few times in which i missed out on friends and family post. and now i am thinking of locking my blog to keep them out. why should i have to rearrange my life to keep them out. they will find ways. i dont hide or deny anything when it comes to Cedric so whatever if they want to read my shit.. then read it. and like it says on my Bio, if you dont like it.. stop reading my shit... so we will see if i will really lock it or just let them creep.

until next time :-)

Effin Nosey A** People

2018-08-15T12:47:00.001-07:00

you know the one thing i cant understand is, if someone swoops in and "decides" they want to demand a man back into their life and ruin the happiness he was building without her for all these effin years, and with her psycho threats used against him, she wins and succeeds at all this, why the fuck cant she just drop it. i have been harassed on facebook, having to catch embarrassing comments left on my statuses, pictures sent to me on what the F**k they are up to,i have had to deactivate my account many times just to get them to stop because believe me, i am putting up a fight. i have a long ass block list on both instagram and facebook. what the fuck gives. why do they care what i am up to OR like someone told me, they are probably checking to see if Cedric and i are talking or if i have seen him. Cedric is a grown ass man.

Anyway, what these jerks dont know is that i put a Stat Analytic tracker on this blog just to keep nosey ass people off my shit. its hard to keep them off of my social media because all they do is keep creating new accounts. SO i went back to my Blogging because i can have this privacy.

in saying this i decided to check my stats just to see how far my blogs have gone, which i was happy to see it has gone out to Philippines and Australia, and Canada what i am NOT happy about is the 15 hits i got this month have been from Fucken Marysville! 9 on a damn Iphone and 6 on a samsung 8. yeah i just have one guess on who they are. WTF!!!

what else could they want?? i took his fucken pictures down the day someone expose their disgusting secret to me. The only time Cedric and I talk is when he reaches out to me which i have blocked him from everything i can think of, and i dont go around them or mess with him, THEY are coming at me like i am messing stuff up. when i met Cedric he was single and free, and that jerk he is with was married, so what me and him built together between us, in those 10 months... was legit. that shady shit she pulled, well ....i still believe he was involved in planning even though he says he wasnt, it was all her.. but anyway.. the shady shit she pulled pretending to be my friend and pretending to help me work things out with him, was uncalled for and EVIL she knew i was hurting and in pain and instead, she pretended to care only to make sure him and I were not talking... middle school shit. which this tells me that her brain is not fully mature.Shame on me to believe i was opening up to a mature adult. and Cedric did tell me, he warned me about her, i gave her the benefit of the doubt. i should of listen to him. but everything was taken from me within these 5 fucken months. what else is there??? they won! Cedric was too scared to fight for "us" i only went so far, fighting alone! reaching out to me those few times i can tell he wanted to. but... he procrastinated ... i finally gave in after that last piece of information. but like i said its between THEM and GOD. so whatever!!!

why do they continue to wonder what the hell i am up to?
I love Cedric, I love him so much, and miss him like crazy.. but i also feel sorry for him, from what he has told me i already felt bad for him... NOW i cant imagine what life is like when these people read my shit and possibly go at him. i hate that he has to hold in or deny loving or having feelings for me " or else".

SO with what i found out. i am going to leave my blog up until Sunday so that all of you who would like to keep access to my blog can subscribe by putting your email in and then i am going to lock this blog up and only those that have signed up will get notifications on when i submit a blog. i am looking forward to sharing with you all what is coming up. i am on day 3 of detoxing and after 7 more days i continue my journey. and this journey includes something very exciting ... cant tell yet :-) , and future planned trips for my daughter and I - Yep getting back into traveling like i use to.. also keeping you all (that have been keeping me in prayer) in the loop on my healing process, and pretty much keeping it positive. i will also open up my comment options so that i can start receiving them. it has been awhile since i blogged so i am slowly setting it back up. refreshing my links AND also going to open up my webpage for this journey. If you remember it use to be www.lorileerodriguez.com i actually changed the Domain. i will give the new website after i lock this blog.
to the nosey people... i am done coming down to your childish level. leave me alone already! use your time learning how to grow up and mature , and good luck going crazy wondering if him and have talked or seen eachother lol you already know because of my love for him, I will never ignore or turn him away if he reaches out to me.... PEACE!

Tough'n it out!

2018-08-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

i can tell the whole world " i am good" " i am better now" and just smile and say " im ok". and everyone believes me, therefore i get to go on with the day pretending to be ok. and then at night when i am alone lying in bed trying to sleep it all comes back to me. the pain.. the tears.. the suffocation from not breathing. every morning, for a week, i wake up and i pray for strength. then i go to work and i throw myself into work i dont give myself any time to think. when Cedric actually starts to cross my mind (which feels like every second of the day) i shake it off. and tell myself "NO" and i either start on something else or i walk out of my office and make convo with someone or just go to the front desk talk to who ever. But not only am i dealing with trying to get over Cedric. i have other things going on... after someone ended my world by telling me something about Cedric and that jerk he is with.. i turned to cigarettes, yeah wooptie doo but it is a big deal when my only reason for quitting was for my daughter. she doesnt know i am smoking again i plan to stop before she finds out. . i havent smoked in over two years and someone finally broke me. but other things on my mind. i was thinking about this job offer in Nashville in the beginning i was all for it. but my daughter really loves it here. i would hate to uproot her just because my heart is broke and the only way out for me is to just disappear somewhere else and start a new life. so i decided to stay. just for her.

So i am just going to keep doing what i am doing and hopefully Cedric will just stop crossing my mind. i miss him like crazy.

i am hoping that my feelings for him will lessen a lot before October. i will be going back to Vegas.

my best friend got married there in October and Cedric and i went there for that. it was the best weekend. i knew before that trip that i was falling for Cedric but i kept pulling back because of all the shit i have been through with men in the past. but during this Vegas trip i feel so deep for him and he fell for me. i told him the last time we spoke that Vegas was where i fell deeper for him. and told me that he felt the same way. and i believed him because when we arrived back home to Seattle while i was driving us home from the airport. he sat in the back with Moon and every time i looked back in my rear view mirror to look at him he was already starring at me through the mirror with a smile. i will never forget that look. that is why i cant wrap my mind around all of this. i want to believe what he told me is true. i really want to. but his actions dont match his words.

but anyway. Vegas bound in October. and no Nashville job. i am staying here and keeping my head up. ... because i know my worth.

Interesting Day.

2018-08-12T21:09:00.002-07:00

well considering that i have been up since 4 am due to a bad dream i had. my day was pretty good. My dream was horrible. of course i had a hard time falling asleep, i turned on our blue lamp. it was always on when he would stay over. now i just turn it on once a week or two. just to feel comfort along with music. My dream was about Cedric. it was really weird, we were in a crowded place but i was on an upper floor. we saw each other and it was like the crowd went silent but they were till dancing and laughing. it was like when we locked eyes we blocked out everyone around us. Then he said the words " I told you i love you, I told you my heart belong to you, i told you to just wait, i dont know what to do anymore, why are you so stubborn you never listen to me, your papi" and the whole time i was hearing these words his mouth isnt moving but tears are falling down his face.. then out of no where his area starting filling up with thick liquid and i jumped into this elevator with clear windows where i can still see him. i kept pressing down and the elevator jammed. and i kept screaming for him to come up but i couldnt even hear my own voice but i can still hear his voice saying over and over " you never listen to me baby" and the fluid rose to his neck and i woke up, breathing hard, sweating, my heart was beating so fast and i felt scared. then i couldnt sleep the rest of the night. i wonder what in the world that was all about.

but anyway when I looked at the time it 4:06am, i binged watched Shameless until it was time to get ready for church

there was only one service today because they were having Baptism at the park today and BBQ. so we went earlier than we usually do. Service was great. i actually met someone today. He is Single father of a two year old little boy. i enjoyed that whole hour with them both. Then After picking up Soleil she met them both and we are both just in love with that lil cutie pie!! we planned to meet up this week again. i am looking forward to it.

my best High today, was meeting Luis's Son! I made dinner tonight because i thought Moon's friend was coming for the night. i made way too much food. and usually when i do i message Luis to see if he is hungry, i sent him a message to ask him if he was hungry, at first he said he was not, then he sent a message that he was on his way. and he showed up.. with his son!! i was so nervous.. but excited. He was shy but it was so cute!

well yesterday i chopped off my long hair! and i colored it a Caramel Brown. so it is gonna take time to get use to it. it feels weird lol

well that is it for today. i am actually glad i decided to blog again. it really helps. i am about to binge watch shameless until i fall asleep. its the only time i dont cry myself to sleep. i figure if i do this everynight i wont have time to lay in darkness and think or cry over Cedric. right now i will try anything to get through this even if is staying up late watching a show until i fall asleep.

i think i am donating " our " blue light. uggghhhh!!!

keeping myself focused.

2018-08-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well i had to cancel going to Jeremy and Pele's last night. something came up with Moon. its all taken care of but i am still a little concerned.. but we will see.
Last night i was up late again, listening to music, thinking of stuff. and.... well.. i wasnt really expecting for my tears to stop right away. of course ... its gonna take a lot of time and distraction.

Today I heard the dedicated song THREE times. first time was on the TV at the hair salon where i was getting my hair cut. i nicely asked the lady if she could turn the volume off, just until the song was over. then we went next door to Sally's and it came on AGAIN! i looked at Soleil and i said "lets go" lol smh!
THEN on our way to donate her stuff to Goodwill the damn song came on again! WHAT GIVES?
i changed the station and just thought, how the hell am i suppose to forget Cedric if the damn song he sent me keeps fucken playing all around me. i dont want to think of him during the day. it already happens when i am alone at night trying to sleep.
but anyway.... it was frustrating trying to stay focused with the effin song coming on!

Then i finally got some kind of distraction. Luis sent me a picture of him and his son. wow! Soleil and I were so happy for him. it was nice seeing his smile today. his son is so handsome. looks just like his daddy. they are both so happy! those pictures really made my day. Luis and i have been working on our friendship. i have seen such a big change in him. BUT we still bud heads from time to time. but we make up in OUR own way ( hehe) to friendship !!! ( with benefits) for now. he knows there will never be a commitment between him and I. we just like hanging out.

well we did shopping for Moon. and later we will go to the store for some groceries. i am going to relax the rest of the night watching netflix. you know i use to give Cedric a hard time about this show called " Shameless" he use to binge watch that shit everyday! lol he use to check for the new season all the time... and well i saw that the new Season came out and i thought of him. then i thought i would check it out and see what it was all about. AND well now i cant stop watching it hahah so i will be binge watching tonight.. i hope i fall asleep during an episode. i notice that the only time i dont cry for Cedric, is if i fall asleep watching a movie!

Oh and remember I mentioned that Cedric left me with addiction lol yep effin scratch offs. Everytime I go to pay for something I always buy one smh well I won $30 today 🙂 and I finally ate some menudo..

And well other than the damn song playing 3 times, I was able to focus on life.

gotta keep myself focused.