Shades of Black..

The Black Rose Paradox

2014-07-30T16:39:00.000+05:30

Everything is perfect. You like the same TV shows, your ideas of health, hygiene, activity, exercise and nutrition are the same. You love, cuddle, small talk, have conversations, go out, have dinners, watch movies together, have the same set of friends you both love to meet. You laugh, you cry, you share, you despair, you fight, you crib, you bitch, you twitch. You all of that together. Yet, there is a loneliness, an awkwardness. There is hurt and there is resentment.

Would you walk out of an otherwise loving relationship where everything else is perfect?

This is the Black Rose Paradox.

In a beautiful garden, or a well laid out eye pleasing bouquet, there pops up a black rose. The tiny little shining thing is a marvel in itself. It's a priceless, unique and evasive to the common man. Yet, in the larger frame of things, its an eye sore. It's that small speck of someone's wish which deflates the bubble of joy. It's the same for human relations.

Walk up to someone and tell them you hate a black rose, and the quizzical, surprised, astonished reactions you'll get will be hard to bear. Talk to the gardener or the florist who put it in, and they'll point out how everything else is perfect. And how the black rose you are getting is far more than what you bargained for. It's the same in life situations.

But then, why would I buy a skirt, I don't like, because it is the winner at the season's fashion week. Why would I buy a diamond when i neither like the stone nor the setting in which it has come to me. As humans, we all have our own likes, preferences, demands and visions.

All this gets complicated when you are not the only when taking a decision. Imagine buying a TV for the house. You need something with a pause and play functionality, whereas your husband needs something that can support his gaming systems. You settle for something that either makes one of you happy or makes the both of you content. in any case, on of you either feels that they spent more than what was required or feels short-changed for not getting what they wanted.

This black rose is a reality of all our lives. As kids, we give in to dreams of our parents. As parents, we give in to needs and requirements of our kids. As spouses, we do this all the time. As adults, we give in to demands of our ageing parents. As ageing parents, we give into constraints of an earning child.

The paradox stows its head up, when the same person in the exchange keeps getting the black rose. The gardener will never realize. Neither will the florist ever. They are doing more than they ought to. But the receiver is stifled. It's getting harder to breathe every minute. It's time to crush the black rose.

The gardener will abuse, the florist will call you a fool. But you know what, you just couldn't care less.

I own a shop!

2013-06-04T23:37:00.001+05:30

Do visit me soon!

Oh, sorry! This is what I sell...

Shades of Hue

2012-12-11T15:28:00.004+05:30

Yesterday, I attended a friend’s wedding. For the first time at a close wedding, I was not a participant, I was a spectator. And being a spectator, gives you time to think through things, to speculate, to reflect about your own life and where it is headed.

So what’s the big story in my life right now? Well, I am in love, rather been in love for a good 3 years now. I am 25. And like almost every girl my age, my parents’ only concern in broad daylight and in their every night’s sleep is my marriage. They have been brooding over it for so long that they probably by now have everything planned out to the T, including the venue, the guest list and also what to do with the extra space in the house when am gone. The only thing they do not have finalized is the guy. I have that detail for them. Just that I can’t get them the surety they are looking for.

It’s not that I myself lack this surety. I have never doubted my decision to love and partner this guy all through my life since the day, I decided that ‘This is it’, almost two years back. I am as ready for marriage as I could ever be. For me it’s the next goal to achieve in life. It’s something I look forward to, something that excites me in my otherwise extremely boring life.

I have talked it out with him; I know I can trust him when he says he’d marry me. I know he would someday soon. He is finding his feet, getting steady on them before he can sweep me off mine. I totally agree there. I can definitely wait. I am in no hurry myself to be married. But in this picture perfect world that my parents and he have for me, there is a nightmare I live.

I have no dreams of my own.

Everyone has a picture of who they want to be, what they want to do with their life, where they want to reach in their career. I have now for so long in life lived each day as it comes that I’ve forgotten how to dream. I have forgotten what having a castle in the cloud feels like.

The wedding, the one I attended yesterday, made me think. It made me question myself. Being so close to that milestone in my life, do I have plans? Do I look forward to it? Do I envisage it in a certain way? Does it make me feel happy?

No, no, no and no.

The thought of marriage, at least today, makes me utterly uncomfortable and leaves me very confused. I don’t want to get married because that is something I want, but because I want to be wanted. I feel worthless when every day I ask the same questions, when I try and push him every day to agree to marry me sooner than later. I would have wanted him to propose marriage to me, like they show in the movies. Maybe not that elaborate, but at least ask me. I didn’t think then, but I repent it now. That moment is lost. Forever. I feel shitty when I think it’s only me who dreams of this marriage. I don’t want it rushed, I don’t want it forced. On either of us. I want him to be comfortable with this idea. I want him to feel happy and excited about the idea of spending the rest of his life with me. It’s not a decision we can change, I want both of us to have thought about it and be mentally prepared to tolerate each other for eternity before we take that leap. I wish my parents understood that. I wish I didn’t push him. But it’s done. The golden moment so lost that nothing in life can make up for it.

When I retrospect I feel it was only yesterday that I was drowned in the idea of getting married, I wanted to move on in life to a more beautiful place, to a new set of people who would make me family. It was all about starting my family anew, leaving behind a past I don’t really cherish, something I have never been proud of. But that was 3 years ago. Or was it more? I can’t remember, and I am glad I have no memories of that time.

I have matured too much for my liking. The love, the relationship is not bubbly. It’s not infectious. It’s not the typical teenage love everyone dreams of. Maybe I didn’t realize when I aged. It is age. It’s not the same anymore. The talking for hours at a stretch, walking hand in hand, mesmerizing in each other’s stare, thinking about him at all times and places don’t happen anymore. I feel scared that I have altogether stopped thinking with my heart. I fear that this decision is too rational. So rational that it takes the essence out of itself. Maybe that is why I see it as a milestone, a goal. On the other hand, my heart scares me. It’s turmoil in itself. It doesn’t want to do, it wants to get. When I think with my heart, I am an emotional fool. A fool who wants everything for herself. The lavishness, the cheesiness, the teenage drama, the pampering. On a very conscious level, I hate it. I fringe at it when I see others doing it. But I am a girl after all. Does that explain all this?

I let my heart do the talking today. I let it speak to me today and tell me what it desires. It wants me to feel like a princess, it wants to see me pampered. Oh it so sounds like a mother!

It dreams of him getting down on his knee, in a crowd, and saying out those golden words to me. It dreams of the smile on his face that I miss today. It yearns for the reciprocation of the eagerness I radiate for this bond. It yearns for a fairytale wedding. A happily ever after.

My heart looks at me and pities my state. It begs of me today to stop my continuous pestering. It compels me today to stop trying and let it be. It tells me to stop fighting a battle I would eventually win. It tells me the war would only get me injured and hurt and broken. It might just make it all ugly. It compels me today to step back, to breathe, to take in all that I have for so long been avoiding, ignoring, side stepping.

I will listen to that oh-so-sweet heart of mine. I will sit back, wait, be patient and let the world around me surprise me. I would wait for the rest of my golden moments to happen, not preempting them and stealing away their charm. I will wait, as apprehensive as I might be, I will.

I hope this hope in my heart doesn’t take me crashing down with it. It’s been so capable of it in the past.

Mumbai..

2012-06-26T22:06:00.001+05:30

I had a problem accepting the fact that 'I' missed Mumbai!

Here, is my defence.

I have been born and brought up in Delhi, have loved the city for as long as remember. My entire family- first and extended is here. For 20 years of my life I hadn't thought of a new abode. And then Ahmedabad happened. The serene city let me be. It let me be who I was. It helped me go deeper into the shell that I move around with. It helped me become more reclusive. It helped me stay comfortable in the space that I had created for myself. It let me nurture my dreams. It just let me be.

Ahmedabad to Mumbai was a swift transition. Even more swift was how my life changed. From a city that helped me retrospect and think and take my time, I found myself in a place where people had to borrow time to even breathe.

Mumbai pushed me; it stretched me beyond my limits. It made me do things I had never done before. It roughly dragged me out of my shell and put me in the same line as thousands of other cut throat competitors. There was no end to how much I got pushed and jolted... and then came a day when i gave up. I couldn't run that rat race anymore. I couldn't be just another one in that crowd anymore.

I packed my bags and came back to the safer havens... Delhi. I knew everyone here. I knew my way. I didn't feel like the nomadic crowd. This city never pushed me to the edge. I returned back to the shell that I thought I had misplaced in the crowded locals of the millennium city.

Isn't it strange that I now miss Mumbai?

Indeed. I felt the same. One day I woke up missing Mumbai. No. not the people. not the weather. Not the roads. The entire city. The essence of the city, the feel. I missed the thought that is christened Mumbai.

I miss the freedom it gave me. In the way I dressed, in the way I spoke, in whom I met, in where I went, and most of all the freedom to be without being.

The city gave me the space to be an individual. Yet it didn't let me retrospect. It always kept me on my toes. It never let me be in my shell. It kept nudging me out of it. It kept pushing my boundaries a little further away every day. It helped me move out of that restrictive space around me and helped me grow. Mature. Learn.

It helped me know new people without having to carry the baggage of judging them. It helped me experiment with my ways in life without feeling too guilty about the society. It helped me do things I always only dreamt of, it let me dream more every other day.

If Ahmedabad gave me feet, Mumbai gave them pace.

I, Me, Myself.

2012-06-26T22:04:00.002+05:30

I am not a very selfless person. Like almost every one of us, I am pretty selfish.

But then, there are always incidents and moments that hit home the fact that I am not all about me. There are other aspects to this individual's life too.

I am ageing. So are my parents.

I have dreams. So do my parents

I have hang-ups. So do my parents.

I have heart breaks. So do they.

In these similarities, there is an ocean of differences.

I am ageing, gracefully, taking my time, enjoying my newly found adulthood. My parents are ageing, fast, beyond youth to old age. My grace is complimented ferociously by their fade. I am enjoying the clock ticking away as I grow, I dread as the clock tick for them, as they grow old.

I have just about started to dream with open eyes and a clear mind. They have lived past the age for new dreams, knowing that they have counted time to fulfil their own. They now live dreams that they see through my eyes. Always trying to find fragments of theirs in mine. If they don’t succeed at first, they alter theirs to make them look a lot like mine.

I live in an age where i have a mind that can be moulded beyond my perceptions and acceptance. They live in the age bracket where they can’t change much. They have grown to be a certain way. They have learnt to accept certain norms in life.

I have overcome the heartaches of teenage to more realistic career, life and ideology based heartbreaks. They have moved beyond heartaches of any kind to my heartaches.

Today, there was a simple discussion about plans for my 25^th birthday. I was resentful but they had plans for a wish I rarely say.

In moments like these I feel small. I feel helpless. I feel I haven’t done anything yet. Not for my selfish self, but for people whose world, dreams and time, selflessly, revolves around me.

When 1/4 equals 1/2!

2012-02-12T16:49:00.000+05:30

Am soon going to be 25, as most would say, this rant is about my quarter life crisis... but the way we live today, I think I should consider this the half way mark.. Anything over that would, by me, be considered a bonus life!

A lot of people achieve a lot in these 25 years... they set goals, reach up to the set aims... get a good job, start a business, buy their first cars, fall in and out of love, get married, start a family, for the first time sponsor their trips.. Others make space for their hobbies, shower time and material on their parents and siblings, spend on comforts and live a life!
Most of the 25 year olds, if not already there, at least know where they are headed.
I have a done a lot of those things too! But I think I still have no aim that I have to achieve... I have no goals that have to be converted! I have no mark that needs to be crossed!
And no, don’t take me wrong! The last quarter of my life has been very happening, very dynamic and to me, pretty satisfying! Am content with what all I’ve done in those 25 years!

I have been a high achiever, I have been a mediocre, and I’ve been a loser too!
I’ve been loved, I’ve been liked, I’ve been hated, I’ve been loathed!..
I’ve been desired, I’ve been ignored!
I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad!
I’ve shed tears in pain, I have cried in happiness!
I’ve lost people to death; I’ve found jewels in birth!
I’ve been cheated on, I’ve had my back watched!
I’ve been tricked, I’ve been treated!
I’ve been my dad's princess, my mom's pride... I’ve even put them both to shame.
Been stingy, been a spendthrift
Been mean, been sweet

There are so many bucket lists out there telling you what you ought to have done in life by now!
I don’t care what they say, yet I know they talk about living a carefree life!
When I think of things I would have wanted to do by now, I don’t have regrets!

If I say I have no regrets, and I have been pretty satisfied with my life so far, why is it that I call it a quarter life crisis?!

Because I somewhere know that there are things for which I’ll be too old very soon!
There are some that only I could do something about, and there are some only you could do something about!

• I have nothing that I am a master at! Am a jack of many trades, but nothing that I command!
• I have for long considered round a shape, it’s now or never that I could experiment with another
• I have no identified strengths
• I haven’t yet taken my revenge, she’ll be too old to harm soon
• I haven’t painted my master piece yet!
• I haven’t bungee jumped!
• I haven’t been on a walk to see undersea life
• I haven’t made it to a first class basketball team
• I really haven’t stood up enough for me
• There is still a language I need to learn
• My time freezing machine is still in blueprint stage
• I still don’t have that room with a bean bag and lots of canvases, the empty coffee mugs and the window that looks over to unending green space

It’s this year, or I never ever will get a chance to do this, any which way!
But more than what I could have done, I have desires that would look foolish beyond a certain age
• As much as I love surprises, I haven’t braced a single one till today
• Pampering that I would have loved being a girl, a daughter, a girlfriend: the gifts, the walks, the candle lights, the pride, the presents, the understood ties!
• The orchids, the birds of paradise, the cut flower roses and the tulips that would soothe all eyes

I’ve been happy being me, being different, and being ‘ajeeb’... I have no qualms about being me. I have never looked for your acceptance; I have never looked for you to approve of my being! Yet I have looked for people to be by my side, to understand the unsaid and to know that beneath that cover, beneath that shell of indifference, is a girl, a not-so-young girl, not so courageous, not so bold... who wants nothings from you but a smile! Who wants you to understand that she has dreams too, she has expectations... she has plans for her life! She’ll soon be starting over again, and till she reaches this stage again, she’ll be nearing the end of her life... she has dreams to live, that would be too worn out and faded by the time she reaches this score in the second innings of her life!

And she needs to do something soon! Because it’s time for the curtains to fall, on the first half of her life!

The puzzle called Life!

2010-11-11T18:04:00.000+05:30

A jigsaw puzzle is a tiling puzzle that requires the assembly of numerous small, often oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces. Each piece usually has a small part of a picture on it; when complete, a jigsaw puzzle produces a complete picture.

Life is a strange jigsaw puzzle. unlike every other, it doesnt come packed in a box for you to see how it should look like, before you muddle it up and sit down again to put it all together...

Its a strange way in which the jigsaw of life works... you never know what the complete picture will look like, or even what it should be.. and all the pieces are never ever available to you..

life keeps throwing pieces at you, one at a time or even more than one at times.. you have a blank canvas to place them on.. there is no definate way to put them together, just your will.. nothing to refer to, that helps you to figure out how one piece fits with another..

its a dynamic game.. every next piece thrown at you depends on how and where you have placed the earlier pieces.. at times, the newest piece thrown at you, upsets your entire earlier strategy of how you placed things, and the re-arrangement is not only difficult, it is painstakingly complex and infuriating..

more than not, you start to think that the jigsaw is almost complete and you are on the right track.. there are a few pieces you want that you think will make it look good and fulfilling, but either those pieces evade you or the strategy is defied!

more often than not, you are made to sit for long before a new piece comes to you.. either your earlier strategy is vastly inappropriate and needs re-thinkiing in those times or the piece is in your face and you have overlooked its existence..

all said and done, my jigsaw of life currently is alien to me.. i have designed, re-desined, changed, uprooted, re-worked and thought about a lot of new strategies.. but nothing seems to fit.. either i am grossly misinterpreting how the picture should look like, or the new pieces are strewn around that am unable to find..

whatever be the case, my life has huge gaping spaces, no pattern as of now.. its not a picture, just pieces here and there, with little help and direction for order..

My wounds don't bleed anymore!

2010-11-05T14:38:00.000+05:30

My mind is an enigma of sorts!! Today it baffles and surprises even me! i understand today the difficulty people go through in understanding my thoughts! its so bloody confusing!

Am hurt, am terribly hurt..
i feel cheated...
but i dont feel the anger!

I feel like being stopmed upon once again in life..
but i dont feel the hate!

I want to understand your thoughts...
but i fear being alienated..
I want to let you be happy,
but it makes me sad to let you go away...

the biggest thorn that doesnt stop pricking,
is the feeling of worthlessness and stupidity on being fooled again..

I wouldnt say a thing..
Just tell me things to my face!

The wounds don't bleed anymore..
But that doesnt mean the cuts dont pain!

Writing takes away the pain....

2010-11-02T22:04:00.002+05:30

It’s a strange world that I live in... Today, I live in a void... The space created not by loneliness, unhappiness or grief, but by the unexplainable in my life... So much has changed in the past one year that at times I don’t recognize my own life, I fail to relate with it... even the face that was me betrays me in the mirror.. The glow is gone, so is the smile... I see a depth to my eyes that goes endlessly deep... the face is contoured, the colour pale, this is not the me that I know...
It's not that my life is not a happy story right now... its cheerful, its pleasant... it’s a dream in its own way... but then every few days, there comes a moment when I blank out, I fall into the darkness of incomprehensible facts of my life.. It’s a myriad, a maze that am still unable to navigate... the blackness seems to engulf me and eat me up... the long forgotten sense of anxiety and helplessness has come back to haunt me..
After a day spent well, I charge to my room with memories to cherish and keep for life... but from nowhere a disdain takes over and flings at me its heavy grief struck wand... the pain keeps getting manifolds every time I get into this phase... The incomprehensibility just keeps increasing... the stone on my heart keeps getting heavier with every passing day...
It had been too long since I woke up crying... since I woke up in the middle of a nightmare screaming... it scares me to feel all that again... once again in life, the fear of waking up alien to my thoughts, keeps me awake as far as I can... As I write this, I feel my breath shorten, my chest constrict, the sweat fall off my forehead... it isn’t hot, but I have that unwelcome yet familiar feeling of claustrophobia yet again.. The room is lit, the curtains drawn away... yet something makes the wall look like they are charging and closing up on me...
I don’t even know what I am supposed to be writing here, just that I am struck with grief the reason for which I don’t know... it’s a hollow... And that’s all I know! It’s a vacuum that I am falling into, it just doesn’t end, this pain... the night only seems to get longer and longer... the day seems far far away...
In all probabilities, this is a psychological ‘problem’ in my head... but it is... and there is nothing that I can do to make myself feel helped!

Ignorance is pure bliss...

2010-10-07T21:26:00.000+05:30

At times a lot needs to be swept under the carpet for the house to look clean..
the moment you brush the carpet, the work of cleaning becomes manyfolds..

and dirt shouldnt be thrown at someone who knows your 25 hours out of a day of 24...
there are a lot of silent grievances and silent forgiveness.. clean, no one is...

and what will u call off, that u never did.. i will continue with what i want, how i want.. and i'll do it till my heart bleeds...

Shout it out to the World

2010-08-21T00:18:00.000+05:30

o: i think, this time, your mind isnt at home
e: yeah
o: am i thinking right?
e: yeah
o: how long is it been?
e: months
o: how many?
e: 12 thinking, 2 dating
o: serious?
e: its a grey zone
o: grey zone?
e: i dont know how he feels
o: u said dating, but?
e: yeah, very much
o: then?
e: dating yes, commitment zilch
o: why u doing it to urself again?
e: i am happy
o: for how long?
e: atleast for now
o: who popped the question?
e: no one
o: so, how did it happen?
e: i dont know
o: he asked?
e: no
o: u asked?
e: no
o: then what?
e: i told him
o: what did he say
e: nothing
o: what did u tell him
e: whatever i had in my head
o: atleast ask him
e: am sure he'll run away
o: seeing someone else?
e: not sure
o: you know him well?
e: almost zilch
o: like him?
e: crazy
o: he?
e: am happy, know no more
o: then why you doing it?
e: i am happy
o: any direction whatsoever? or completely lost?
e: complicated.. confused.. but happy
o: dont do it to yourself all over again
e: i know what am doing
o: think again, you know nothing
e: probably, but last time i was sure
o: rebound?
e: pretty sure, not
o: how?
e: checked confirmed convinced
o: what does he think?
e: never asked
o: plan to ask?
e: not soon
o: who knows?
e: no one
o: ideas, anybody?
e: very many
o: plan to tell?
e: want to shout it out to the world,
but i amn't sure how it will begin or will it before that end!

The Subconscious

2010-08-06T13:56:00.000+05:30

Into the half of a depth unknown
Foraying into darkness, by my own
Asking for a hand that hold another
Putting a seed of thought, in the head so cluttered

Vandalizing a life that once you lived
Thinking over a bond, that probably doesnt still exist
Scared of losing a dream, you hold close
The distance to reality, the uncanny dose

Humming to thyself, a tune ever unplayed
Waiting endlessly for words, so far delayed
For once, i could live to hear the letters sweet
Then, you can leave, on your path of creed

Get for you, the best in the world, you believe
Hold hands, fly, reach heights for me to see
No bars, no barriers, for me live a few dreams
The happiness will be greater than this heart's grief

Open up to a world of successes great
I'll save best of my smiles for the heights you scale
Smile your best when you lower me into my grave,
Smile, for, through you, i'll live a life again..

2010-07-19T10:20:00.000+05:30

Last cloudy night
After arguments and fights
i lay down to sleep
but could only weep
none shared my pain
but nature did rain
its unverbalized questions
its callous pseudo suggestions
baffled in my mind
answers would i ever find?
shoud i rebel?
should i compel?

no!
life is not a battlfield
where one forces the other to yield
its a pilgrimage, they say
accepting thorns with roses is the way

I think i love you: Part 2

2010-03-12T12:42:00.001+05:30

I am not trying to undo your definitions of love, or to preach.. i am just jotting down the strains of thoughts in my head.. i may not say this explicitly in this post again, but whatever follows is my point of view.. you can wish to agree or disagree :)

love is a strange, undefinable region in our head. its not a feeling, its not a relationship, its a perception. people can differ on their takes on that personal space in their cranium but here is mine.

for me, the space is well carved out and cannot hold a crowd. Its not an expandable, inflatable region and has strict entry barriers to it. you could call me a stuck up bitch, but i wouldnt care less. until recently i believed that this space had no contact or diffussion with the rest of the head, but some events in the past few days have forced me to accept that a reverse osmosis applies and my boundaries are a little fused. at times you take a few steps back and forth before you hit the right spot. the process might tire you or burn you out, but more than not its a good reality check.

for me love is not a male-female or a male-male/fem-fem physical cum emotional bonding created by lurement of promises and visions of future or by the exchange of sweet nothings and strong words. for me, its a totally different experience.
for me its something that has no expectations, has no conditions, has no astrises.

Its that space in the world where you can be yourself without the thought of being judged or compared coming to your mind. love for a person is a resolve that i could end up doing anything for. Its the joy of spending time with people/things who give you the space to be. it doesnt have to have a reason, it only has to have a synergy. i wouldnt necessarily say a positive synergy.

the demarkations between the worldly definitions of love, like, lust, love-like, friendship are very fuzzy, mine are blurred, but my definations are no where near.
for me there is no strict boundary between any of these, its a common territory with varying depths for different people but not varying regions. for me marriage is an unnecessary social burden: why cant people who love, live their life the way they want and not how the world wants them to live it! why is marriage defined as the passport to not only unify two souls but also two physical entities.. is it not a personal choice??

why cant i "love" two or more people at the same time? love is not an exclusivity! its not an item in extinction.. i feel strongly for more than a single individual in my life and why cant i?! my comfort zone ends at different points with different individuals, and no one but me needs to be in a position to justify the implications or the threshold of my actions, if there ever be a need.

for me love is a strange empty place that is filled by different individuals at differnt times in my life.. some stay forever, while others keep leaving or coming back. after all they know the way in through those barriers.

for me, my heart is not something to think with. Life has been one very logical, step-wise, practical journey. i wouldnt ever do something, or let anyone force me into something that doesnt fit into my scheme of things.. and as far my vision goes, its not too far fetched, its not too distant, its not too ambitious.. my goals are small, short termed, achievable aspirations of my life. everything has to have a practical connotation and a rationale supporting it in the hindsight. be it be a relationship, be it be a step forward or a retracal in life.

i know that there are very few takers for my definitions, but that doesnt stop me from pouring my mind out.. i wouldnt really matter if i'm tagged promiscous, specially not when i dont agree on your deinition on that either.

Its the most treasured space in my head, that i call love, its my space, my world, its the place i frequent everytime i need support, i need care; and it has to be reciprocal.

I think I Love you....

2010-03-04T01:36:00.000+05:30

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.”
-- anonymous

why is life so strange! why do I like the cutest of birds, who fly with the highest of flocks.. why do I dream of flowers which are only drawn on paper.. why do I want to swing, only when a bully wants to too.. why do I want to reach the stars.. why do I want a piece of the moon.. why do I desire a color that cant be mixed.. why do I wish to draw the perfect circles, why does a line have to be straight.. why do i dream the same dream every day?

why cant i choose to do the simpler things! why cant i make an easier choice! why cant i just think of do-able things?

I started out to copy my random writings from my class-note-book onto the blog.. and when i re-read there were things i had not really thought of when i was writing.. there were things that i just could not put here.. there were things i could not leave in that place.. not that anyone who reads them will ever understand.. but its a pain that, i am so sure now, will never go away..

am baffled, there was so much going on in my mind.. my hand co-ordinated with my heart to pour it out on my paper.. but when did my mind go so blank to not figure it out.. i knew i was writing.. i knew the theme was my life.. but i never sensed that pain.. maybe i had it all till now.. maybe i still have it.. maybe i wouldnt have ever realised till 'it' went away..

or maybe.. its only the absence that would have made me realise.. it never happened.. it will not in some more time to come.. i had taken it for granted maybe.. maybe it was a grave mistake.. but it is not something i planned to do.. not something i really saw coming.. not something i had even in my dreams anticipated..

Life is not such.. life has to have a rule.. life cant just impose everything it needs to say.. but am completely broken... completely out of my wits to realize if things are what they should have been.. am not sure if its the right cord i have hit.. it seems so, but the loss is irreparable..

i cant speak.. i cant act.. but i cant let it go away.. its not a choice i want to make.. never.. its not a dream to which i want to wake.. its the truth of my life, however harsh, however unthinkable, its now a fact of my life.. and there is just no running away..

there is a song, whose lyrics i can think of.. may not be completely apt here, but yes they kind of say what my heart wants to leap out and say..

here it is with due credit to David Cassidy

I'm sleeping
And right in the middle of a good dream
When all at once I wake up
From something that keeps knockin' at my brain.
Before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed
Screaming out the words I dread:
"I think I love you!"

This morning
I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself and never talk about it
And didn't I go and shout it
When you walked into the room.
"I think I love you!"

I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.

I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way.

wwwwhhhh

I don't know what I'm up against.
I don't know what it's all about.
I got so much to think about.

Hey, I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.

I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way.

Believe me,
You really don't have to worry.
I only want to make you happy
And if you say,
"Hey, go away," I will
But I think better still,
I'd better stay around and love you.
Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face:
Do you think you love me?

It feels strange to put this up here.. there maybe a lot of interpretations.. but its the most bizzare you could come up with.. maybe to let the world know will ease my pain.. maybe there will no viewers to this piece.. maybe..

Its just a stupid game...

2009-08-13T02:21:00.000+05:30

I get ready to leave back for home, again. But somehow the spirits have died. I no more feel like being home. Home wasn’t home last time I was there.
The empty place next to the dinner cabinet, the silence after a door bell, the empty wet bathroom, the silence behind the locked front door, the bare shaft floor, the absence of footsteps in the drive-way on reaching home. There is so much more.
The house is devoid of my trustee, my confidante. There is no one to listen to my endless blabber without speaking a single word, no one to give me the expression of serenity when I would be troubled, no one to sit beside me when I am dazed, No one to nudge me for a drive, no one to greet me when I enter, No one to intervene when we would pick up a fight, no one to take sides in a heated argument, No one who would love me double when I would hurt her, no one who would sleep with her head in my lap without a bother. There were no fights for éclairs, no tiffs for the last piece of chicken, no clashes for attention from dad, nor races to reach home first but still waiting at the gate to enter together.
You promised me you’ll be there when I would come back. I know you can’t leave me and go. I know you’ll not deprive me of the look of longing-ness for a steamy bath, the enthusiasm of running around crazily for nothing, the trampling with the footwear, the tugging on jeans, the escaping with the ball to draw attention, our fights with the towel, our sleeping in the same blanket together.
I know it’s a bad dream that needs to get over soon. I know it’s raining and I want to run around skidding in the drive-way with you in tow. It’s always me who hides in the game of hide and seek. It was not for you to hide and never come back. Its just a silly game Crispy, you didn’t have to hide where you couldn’t be found.

Adieu...

2009-05-10T23:46:00.000+05:30

ah!! the most feared and unconquered facets of my life!

moving out from a circle of life to another can bring along with it a lot of apprehensions..
am so settled.. feet on the ground, i know the people who walk around me, i know the voices, i know the faces, i know the corridors, i know the seasons, i know the roads, i know what i want from my future.. i know people whom I've known for sometime now, i know their places in my life, i know them as good as i need to know.. am comfortable in my niche.. its so much easier here, i know the way they'll react , and most importantly, they know whats gonna come next... they know me as i am..

but life has a strange rule.. the moment you make yourself a drink, cushion up the sofa, and plan to sit, someone pulls it out from beneath you.. you might still get to have your drink but in a relatively lesser appreciable way! your choice of the cushions, the comfort are gone!

am in a similar situation.. i had made my drink, i had cushioned up the sofa, i had switched on the television.. and i was only about to go and sit, when someone pulled the sofa out and replaced it with a bare cot for me to make it comfortable and cushiony again! i get to have my drink, yes the drink is nice and fine, but the comfort, the euphoria is all lost.. with the sofa, go my drink buddies, who were to sit along with me after 4 long years of turmoil, to relax and enjoy the drink we took 4 years to brew and mix!

am standing again at the scene of a departure for better things in life.. we all have different paths to chose, different dreams to persue. wen i walk out of the gates of JIIT on 21st, there might be no looking back. the building that housed me for 4 years, will not be the only thing that i'll move out of, i'll be moving out from a phase of my life.

its the phase where i learnt about friends, foes, acquintances, relationships, the world, the ways, the future. on day 1 of college, a senior told me, "here you'll not find friends, you'll find peers... people who'll compete with you for everything."

he might not have been wrong, after all right and wrong are only perspectives but then he might not have met the gems of people that i did. and again, i dont say that i didnt find the people who very easily strayed into the category of peers and not friends. i found people who crossed all benchmarks and thresholds of my expections and stood by me when i needed them and who redefined fun and happiness in a way i had never known.

when i walk back home on 21st, i would have left behind the structure that embodied us all in a single place, the institution that facilitated my meeting certain humans, who not only changed the way i looked at things, but also went ahead to show me how to live my dreams.

that day, i'll be poorer by plenty.

i would part ways with the guy who until recently stood by my side in all situations and to my surity will always be there even before I have call out to him(relations this strong dont go away with petty non-trivial fights).. i would part with the guy who redifined the way i look at life, the person who made me over come my anxiety, who made my belief in god stronger, the one who made me laugh in tears, the one who helped me chose the right path when i strayed aside. i'll miss the friends who were not only fun to party out with, but were exaples of devotion, care, un-justified free-flowing love and a euphorian sense of togetherness.

certain things like friends forever are easier said than lived. there will be people who walk away to distant nations, to turn up only once in a decade to chose to meet their parents above us. there will be people who switch jobs and forget to trade numbers for another, there might be some who would find better people and forget the old and good and then there will be some who might just live to be what they are to me at the present. promises and vows of togetherness till death dont last too long. or so i fear.

life will change. there isnt an adjective that i can add to it, its the future, there is so much to come that i cannot predict, there is so much to happen that we'll have no control on. the next time we meet might be wen we see a mail containing a wedding invitaion! or perhaps we meet in a social-do by chance. planned outings, fun nights, movies together, luncheons at dominos will be things of the past.

and i'll miss it all so much.

what i have at the moment is reality, and what i am moving towards is just a perception at the moment. i have my apprehensions, i have my fears. but life has to go on. we can only try to keep things hinged as strongly as possible.. it takes a lot to hope that i'll have my gems for life..

the wealth i have at present is not worth trading for any currency.

Goodbye...

2009-04-22T17:14:00.000+05:30

As I walked into the hall
People were watching us
But I didn’t notice now

I walked over to you
I touched your sweet face
I tried to cry, but the tears
they were always there.

I tasted the tears of anger & sorrowness,
I tried to tell myself it was all a bad dream

But then I realized that dreams
aren’t supposed to hurt you.

As I leave ever,
I whispered into your ears
I love you.

Then I put the flowers on the casket,
And I quietly walked out saying
Good bye.

Reposted from Charu's Pen

Sigh!

2009-04-20T10:59:00.000+05:30

oh now what a morning it is! am already fuming.. am completely pissed off and i wish i cud break by vow and pull up my baseball bat!

well well well.. its about my dear old rickety neighbor who is always up to something or the other to piss me off! and the latest is grazing my fully flower laden creeper (that wasn't even an inch on his side--how can it be, he has a 4 feet wide vertical wall that obstructs everything from his house to ours) to the stem in the wee hours of the night! well, most of you wud say, big deal! but for an avid plant lover like me, who planted it, cared for it and waited long to see it flower, its a big blow.. its like a person hurting your own kid.. yes it really is that big!

ah its not the first! he has done so many things in the past that had it not been for my new-found non-violent ways, he wud have been headless long-back!

there is an endless list of what all he does, but i'll surely tell you a few! you deserve to know that am not lamenting for no reason!

well, the house next to me is built on a double plot, has an underground parking and has 5 inhabitants.. 2 oldies (in their late 60s), their son and D-I-L and a 1 year old kid! they have their 1st and 2nd floor balconies touching our balconies but divided by a 4 feet wide wall! and the common wall which shud be 6 feet in height has been razed to 9 feet height along with an additional 3 feet railing, becoz we have a dog at home!! (i mean, what absurd reason is that!! my dog doesn't even bark more than twice a day!) the entire front of their house is covered with green plant sheet to prevent light, dust and leaves(from neighboring houses) from entering! and yes, he has 10+ full grown trees in his courtyard that shed millions of leaves everyday! so he is nott immune to dry leaves! and apart from the big trees, he has some 20 varieties of cactus planted all around... something that i can see from the balconies above!

and i poor kid, live on the ground flower, have a garden that i have nourished with my soul, which has plants that i have planted with my hand, and cared for in the rain, frost, biting cold and the blaring sun! am no angel myself, but then i haven't ever done something to hurt a person who has done be no harm! on the 4 feet wall that he has built, on our side, to make it look less blunt and ugly, we have planted a creeper-malti! if you've seen it, you must know that it gives beautiful pink and white flower bunches... we have a common road outside the two houses, that belongs to the noida authority and no on of us owns it!

in noida, it is a practice that whoever builds a house later uses the neighbour's existing common wall.. but in our case, when he built the house, he created a separate 9" wall, so nothing is common between the two houses!

now! this guy (the oldest of 5 in my neighboring house), is so lonely, jeopardized and sadistic.. that instead of caring for his own, he's more interested in what goes on on my house! i have pillars on my frontage that house pots.. there is one pillar that touches the wall of his house but by no means, is his wall!an year back, i had a jade pot kept over the pillar which every morning wud be found on the floor... and we wud keep it bak on the pillar everyday! and after a week or so, the pot was found smashed! thrice this routine happened and then one morning my father spotted the old fellow next door banging it on the ground! this was occasion 1! on being asked, he said that the plants spoil the look of his gate! and if someone has seen his gate (which anyways is 3 feet away from the pillar) its all metal that has not even been painted!

then, one of my very well maintained cars which wud be dented painted every 6 months even without need, started developing scratch marks on the sides of its own! me being the lady driver in the house was always apprehended for having brushed the car somewhere and not informing! then the same started happening to the other cars in the house! and one fine day, i along with my tenants who live on the first floor, spotted the old guy scratching my tenant's brand new car ( a day old) with a pair of keys!! reason: it was standing on the noida authority land outside his house, which he thinks he owns!! and to remind you, he has an underground parking that can house 8 cars and he has just 2!!

6 months back, my fully loaded malti bel (creeper), died all of a sudden! it dried, crinkled and shed leaves in a day! when we pulled it down to inspect, it had been cut at two places-- the exact places where it touches the 1st and 2nd floor balcony! when we went around asking our tenants and neighbor, the neighbor confessed that he had cut it, cause the creeper's dry leaves wud fall in his courtyard! but now, does he not have his own trees!! they send so many leaves flying to our lawn!! but we use them instead of fuming to make manure!!

every morning the guy sweeps his courtyard! yes you read write! he sweeps it ! and pushes all the sweep into our flower-bed outside! he sweeps the common wall! yeah, he sweeps the 9 feet tall common wall and then collects all the dry leaves from the sweep and pushes them to our side through the railing! he's been spotted doing the above on more than 10 occasions by different people!

there is so much more like drilling a whole in to our tenant's room, drying clothes on the common wall, emptying our water tank into his own with a pipe and so much more.. but what he did today really really appeased me! it affected me directly!

he once again, shredded my malti to its stem! it was giving me flowers that i so longed for! it was the last time that it wud have flowered while i was still at home! that sadist didnt let me enjoy it! only day-before had i told mom- in a week it wud be THE spot in our garden!

he didnt even bother to cover his trails! the cut stems and leaves are still lying in his courtyard! as a prize of his victory over a helpless plant!

what scares me is not the fact that this guy must have hung half way out of his balcony to cut out creeper, but the fact that he might tomorrow just hang a few inches more, to steal our inverter and air conditioner that stand just below the place where he has shredded! the guy who can get into someone else's territory to touch their private property might tomorrow come in to steal money and valuables! he might tomorrow come in with the same knife/scissor to slice my throat!! who knows! he's such a sadist!

next time he does anything or even tries to, i'll not regard my vow! i'll pick up my bat and smash his balls! i'll forget the fact that he's millions of years older to me! i'll teach him to grow up my way!

the moron cant even appreciate the beauty and delicacy of the un-assuming flowers!

sigh! i really am pissed off!

forgive me for a long long post! but he took the wrong time to piss me off! tell me what to do! its beyond ignorance!

Completely Non-Sensical!

2009-04-19T00:58:00.001+05:30

Who was your last text from?
BJP!! Beat that :O

Where was your default picture taken?
At a cousin's cocktail party (bachelor's night :P )

Your relationship status?
Committed for life

Have you ever lost a close friend?
very recently too!

What is your current mood?
chilled out, perplexed

Where do you wish you were right now?
Where i was in the day ;)

Have a crazy side?
Yes.. i can be a crazy 2 year old kid!

Ever had a near death experience?
I decline to answer :)

Something you do a lot?
worrying

Angry at anyone?
LOL.. yes.. the bitch and the bimbo in my life!

What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
Stopping!

When was the last time you cried?
Last night :'(

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
yes, 2 people.. Bhanu and Gunjan :) They do the same for me too :)

What you think about when you are falling asleep?
Am usually on the comp, when i sleep..

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Bhanu

What is your favorite song?
Quit Playing Games by Backstreet boys!

What are you doing right now?
filling this up!! DUH!

Who do you trust right now?
my intuition and anyone who tells me why i'll pass my project without a fuss :P

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Bangkok, indira bazaar

Have you kissed someone in the past week?
Hell yes!

Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
closest! oh lemme see, i dont even know where my friends live!

Describe your life in one word?
Un-describable :P ;)

Who are you thinking of right now?
My project panelists!! (I know i have gone hopeless )

What should you be doing right now?
preparing my report and making my project work :P :P :P

What are you listening to?
a nice soothing voice on my phone :)

Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
umm.....

Who was the last person who yelled at you?
the one who was the last to give me a hug :P

Do you act differently around the person you like?
No i am no different, but yeah, i do a lotta different things!

What is your natural hair color?
Brown

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Shin Chan!

Who was the last person to make you sad?
Angad Singh

What do you hear?
the voices inside my head.. hell yes, i do!

Is your hair curly or straight?
permed

Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
na! i wish someone did!

Do you have a best friend?
yes! she's my life!

Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
yeah :D

Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
A lot ! :D :) :P :X :( :'( ;) ;P :O ;D :d :Z :| ......

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
NO!

Are you happy with life right now?
yes.. thanks god almighty!

Are you currently jealous?
Jealous!! of what!!

What jewelry are you currently wearing?
Nothing...

What were you doing on friday night?
attending the worst Jive ever!

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Too badly to be ever mended! (no offence to the one who broke it :| )

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Hmmmmm, I think soo.. but not deliberately atleast

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
Yeaaah .. Angad!

What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
the troublesome corn on my toe!

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Till 3, sorting my project and celebrating for adi! ( yeah adi, i actually did :P)

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Currently, its been 2 years and some months :)
Never before..

Have you ever faked sick?
Who doesnt!

What was the last lie you said?
so many to sort out!

Have you ever cried during a movie?
hmm.. yes, but its been a very very long time.. cause i cudnt recall the last instance

Have you ever danced in the rain?
Yes, i just love it!

Have you ever been drunk?
yes

Do you smoke?
quit

What is your full name?
What does that have to do with anything ?!

What is your blood-type?
B+

Have you ever been in a car accident?
Luckily no..

How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?
1 day old.. am sure my mom must have kissed me :)

Who was your first kiss?
look up :D

Have you ever had an online relationship?
wha?? what??

Have you ever been rejected by a crush?
Yeah ! Are you reading adi?

What is your favourite sport to play?
Hard to get :P ;)

Have you ever made a prank phone call?
oh yes!! so many with my cousins GP and Sam! Those days were gold!

Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?
No. I never will!

Is there anything that you have done that you regret?
yes.. I have a control over my anxiety and impulsiveness now

What do you want to be when you grow up?
No clue!

What is your political persuassion?
No idea.

Do you believe in god?
he's my coolest buddy

Do you believe in love at first sight?
its completely non-sensical

Do you believe in karma?
hmm... no comments

Who was your first crush?
*******

Who do you have a crush on?
Irfan Pathan!! Oh baby!! still!

How would you describe yourself?
multi-faceted

What are you afraid of?
lonliness

Are you religious?
nah!

What does your screen name mean?
hell's pardon means been thru it all and has been able to put feet bak on ground

Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?
if i see it now, from my "current" defination of bf, it wud be mayank

What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?
I really dont remember anything so special :|

What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?
I used him for popularity and projects!

What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?
presnent..

What is your greatest strength?
I'm versatile :P

What is your greatest weakness?
trust.. blind trust..

What is your perfect pizza?
small and crispy

What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?
why again!

What is your first thought before you go to bed?
boredom..

What college do you want to go to?
oxford... for english semantics

Do you get along with your family?
Errr.. not too much

Do you play any instruments?
na

What kind of music do you like?
nothing

Would you ever get a tattoo?
nopes.. i like quick changing things

How many piercings do you have?
2

Who makes you laugh?
tarush :)

Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?
Nobody!!

Have you ever seen a dead body?
yes.. i wish that sight gets outta my mind soon

Do you have a celebrity crush?
IP!!

What is one thing scientists should invent?
A time stopping machine... :|

Have you ever broken a bone?
yeah

What happens after you die?
i wan all people to continue living their lives :)

Do you watch or read the news?
yes.. without fail.. its a prt of me now

What stereotype would you label yourself as being?
is this really a question??

Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?
DUH!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Don't wanna

If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go?
its a controversial question now...

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?
my negative thought process...

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
na.. no plans

Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?
yes...

What do you want your friends to think about you?
nothing, i want them to have their own brains to think about me!

Have you ever bitten someone?
yes yes yes!! :P

Have you ever stolen anything?
WTF ?!?!?!

Do you make wishes on shooting stars?
yes.. seen just one...

If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?
october 9, 05

Do you remember your dreams?
yes mostly...

Have you ever been in love?
Oh yeah. you bet!

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night!

Do you have any phobias?
yes of the road in my dream...

Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?)
Yeaah..

How many emails do you have?
plenty! emails???? :O

Do any medical problems run in your family?
Don’t think so..

Have you ever had a nightmare?
Plenty of em ..

Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?
i dont to anybody unless they call for it.. :|

Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?
Nope, I'm a faithful girl :)

Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?
LOl !!! no

Have you ever written a love letter?
yeah.. remember every word of it :)

Have you ever attempted suicide?
Nope, thought about it once though... long long time ago.

Have you ever been in a fistfight?
yeah.. with a baseball bat to replace my fist :P :) ;)
(never again, i promised myself!)

Do you have any hidden talents?
yes.. but let them be hidden :P

What is one thing you want me to know about you?
I dont really care!

Do you usually prefer books or movies?
books

Who is your favourite person to talk to?
Do people have favourite talk-friends!!??!!

Would you ever have sex before marriage?
Errrr ... depends..

Who do you talk to most on the phone?
bhanu

Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?
british.. i emphasise :P

Have you ever gotten detention?
:O

How do you vent your anger?
I explode at people & scrible non sensically on paper

Have you ever been on a diet?
yes.. none worked :P

Would you ever date someone younger than you?
hell yes :)

Is your best friend a virgin?
its her life :)

Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?
what?? WHY??

Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?
hmm.. deep...

Have you ever wanted to murder someone?
Naah..

Have you ever hated someone?
never.. i forgive very very very easily...

Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?
Online.. I screw up less :P

Do you consider yourself popular?
i never was.. and dont ever wish to be...

Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?
Yes.

Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?
WTF ?!

Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?
:P :P (is it a sin?)

What is your favourite book?
Harry potter and malory tower series!

Do you have a collection of anything?
memories :P

Are you happy with the person you are becoming?
I guess so..

Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?
totally totally different!

What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?
no clue

Kissed any one of your facebook friends?
Yes

Been arrested?
Nope

Kissed someone you didn't like?
Yes !

Slept in until 5 pm?
oh! no! i wish to/..

Fallen asleep at work/school?
oh yes! its a heavenly feeling :)

Held a snake?
yes

Ran a red light?
so many times (i wish tarush doesnt read this)

Been suspended from school?
i choose to not remember :P

Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident?
No

Sung karaoke?
Nope

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
oh yes! eating chocolates on a diet!
talking to angad again!

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
Yes ! ewww.. :O

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
yes :)

Kissed in the rain?
wish to....

Sang in the shower?
never

Sat on a rooftop?
almost everyday last year ;)

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes?
yes :)

Shaved your head?
No, but will !

Blacked out from drinking?
Nope

Played a prank on someone?
Ya

Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Sort of :| :s

Been in a band?
Nope

Shot a gun?
no!

Tripped on anything?
Yes, every 2 minutes :p

Donated blood?
yes

Eaten alligator meat?
EWWWW, no !

Eaten cheesecake?
yes

Still love someone you shouldn't?
..... Yes, a lot! (i cudnt push you out, so i made a larger more spacier room for the one i love more) :)

Think about the future?
Yeahh

Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yes

Believe in love ?
definately :)

Can i be penned DOWN and summed UP in 25 odd phrases...

2009-04-17T11:40:00.000+05:30

the new trend of summing your life up in 25 bullets, in your notes, is the newest fad.. a completely insanical technique in my opinion.. you sit down in front of the black box, get down to think, write amicably the first 25 sentences that your mind produces, and then post it thinking its the best about you the world cud know!

or is it?

i sat down to think yesterday night, not limited by time, i wrote till morning, intercepted by a cryptography assignment, a messy project, an unfinished research paper and loads of other things.. but still came up with 98 things about myself... and yes, i really cant find out the best 25.. cause they all are equally important in helping me become what i am today... AND before u jump to a conclusion, my list isn't even half complete.. i will take another life to sum up the best, the worst, my likes, my dislikes, my heroes, my objectives...

in my opinion, with no offense to all those who penned down their long lives in some 100 words, my life or for that matter, anybody's life isnt a chapter to be read and closed in a few countable sentences, marred by a few puns here and there, a few funny lines to tickle those oh-not-so-funny friend's rib muscles.. respect your flavour, your charachter, your insanity, your uniqueness, your personality...

good or bad is just relative..

Non-Sensical

2009-03-17T20:42:00.000+05:30

saw this in notes by dhawal verma on his facebook junkie!! thot it might be fun.. so attempting it..

why here?

becoz i like blogger better than facebook notes :P

bah! as if the place matters :P

1. Last beverage? Frooti :P
2. Last phone call? Bhanu
3. Last text message? Jaya di (some 13 hours ago :O)
4. Last song you listened to? quit playing games with my heart, Backstreet boys.. (6 and half days bak)

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice? No
2 Been Cheated on? No
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? No.
4. Lost someone special? Yes.
5. Been depressed? Yes.
6. Been drunk and threw up? Yes

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
Black
White
Red
Wine

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends? Yes
2. Fallen out of love? Yes
3. Laughed until you cried? A lot
4. Met someone who changed you? Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were? Yes
6. Found out someone was talking about you? Never till it was too late
8. How many people on your facebook friends list do you know in real life? i dont accept or send requests to strangers
9. How many kids do you want to have? 1 atleast
10. Do you have any pets? yes, a Labrador presently, an Indian cat in the past
11. Do you want to change your name? Never, not even my second name
12. What did you do on your last birthday? shopped for cousin's engagement in the day.. and waited till night for most people to wish me, hopelessly!
13. What time did you wake up today? 10:30 am
14. What were you doing at midnight last night? writing an SOP
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for? college to end
16. Last time you saw your father? one and half hours ago
17. One thing you wish you could change about your life? I wish i did something creative for my graduation
18. What are you listening to right now? the hum of the ceiling fan
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? not in my knowledge
20. What's getting on your nerves right now? the mosquitoes on the roof :P
21. Most visited webpage? orkut gardening community

ABOUT YOU:
1. What's your name? Charu
2. Nicknames? none
3. Relationship Status? Committed for ever... :D
4. Zodiac sign? Cancer
5. Male or female or trans gendered? Female
6. Elemenetary? Apeejay NOIDA
7. Middle School? Apeejay NOIDA (the place was heaven)
8. High school? AHLCON Public School (trust me people, the place sucked to the core)
10. Hair color? Brown.. Burgandy right now thanks to Holi )
11. Long or short? Medium
16.. Height? 5'5"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? Not anymore.. Last one was Aditya Sharma one and half years back :)
18: What do you like about yourself? Versitality
19. Piercings? Ears pierced at age of 8 months :)
20. Tattoos? None
21. Righty or lefty? Right for writing, left for chores.. and no, am not ambi-dextrous.

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery? No answer
23. First piercing? at the age of 8 months
24. First best friend? Deepika verma
26. First sport you joined? Skating :)
27. First pet? Milo, a spitz
28. First vacation? i guess it was ooty wen i was 1
30. First crush? dun remember, but i guess it was a senior at school :)

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating? Cheese burst Pizza
50. Drinking? Cola
52. I'm about to? complete my SOP and RP
53. Listening to? a jingle on TV
55. Waiting for? a friend to call back

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? told u already, yes!
59. Want to get married? yes, pretty soon
60. Careers in mind? content development (content of anytype) :D

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes? Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses? hugs (anyday, anytime, but aint anybody)
70. Shorter or taller? someone i have to look up to :P
71. Older or Younger? Older
72. Romantic or spontaneous? Spontaneous
73. Nice stomach or nice arms? Nice arms for a warm hug :)
74. Sensitive or loud? sensitive
75. Hook-up or relationship? hooked up in a relationship
77. Trouble maker or hesitant? Hesitant trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger? yes, a number of kids :0
79. Drank hard liquor? Yes.
80. Lost glasses/contacts? yes, multiple times
81. Sex on first date? No.
82. Broken someone's heart? Yes
83. Had your own heart broken? Yes... Upteem number of times
86.. Turned someone down? yes
87. Cried when someone died? Yes...
88. Liked a friend that is a Girl? yes.. am totally in love with Gunjan..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself? Yes, on and off
90. Miracles? Completely, since it happened to me :)
91. Love at first sight? not at all! its completely non-sensical
92. Heaven? No.
93. Santa Clause? No.
95. Kiss on the first date? No
96. Angels? No.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yes.
98. Who is it? Bhanu ( i really wish to talk to someone who can calm my nerves, and i know u can do it)
99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? No
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? No, as just a non-sensical post

I just dont know how to show it....

2009-01-02T19:23:00.000+05:30

varsha was always a very dear friend.. someone i always looked upto.. so was adi... somewhere in due course of time, i stopped calling them or spending time with them because of my commitments and other things.. when everything is coming to an end.. i deeply regret it...

i miss them already

i didnt even meet adi before he left.. didnt even call him

i hardly ever meet or call varsha.. even when i know that she is here for only 10-12 more days

i call on or meet my friends only when am in distress or 'totally' free

NOW i feel am being wrong

i am already missing everybody
the biggest example is Reddy.. i never ever meet him.. we only hook up online.. he is a very very good friend.. one of those who are there even before i shout out their names.. BUT... i missed out on a lot....

you know the only satisfaction i have right now is that i was more of an online buddy to adi and reddy.. and it can continue that way

but i regret the time that i didnt spend with them
the distance and priorities will make a difference

there is a very strange way my mind works..

if i know that something is going to hurt me, i just de-attach myself from it...
the same happened in gunjan's case

i had the urge to call her everyday

but it wud make me all the more sad

so i killed the urge

i dont talk to her becoz it makes me aware of the distance between us
i just know she is there and its enuf for me

there are somethings i cant show.. i just run away from things that make me weak, make me sad... but it doesnt mean i dont care, i dont hurt... I just dont know how to show it.....

Will I really??

2009-01-02T19:12:00.000+05:30

Am i really going to start a gardening blog..?

I think and plan against it... Its gonna take up all my time... If i start, i wont ever be able to stop.... So never doing it.. F.U.L.L.S.T.O.P.

But my free advice is always free...

My Favourite Piece of Writing

2008-12-30T17:16:00.000+05:30

I very strongly believe that it is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are not. I almost always take care that no one hates me justly.

Some people say that you shouldn't compare them with others! and i say definitely not! you cant make them appear so small and mean! cause everyone else in the world is much much better than them..

Then they say that certain things in life should be preserved intact for the fear of pain!!.. i totally agree.. Hatred is the madness of the heart.. and i don't have any place in my heart for people who disgust me!

Someone made me realize that if i want happiness, i dont need to go for picnic/vacation, amass wealth or get married!! I just need to forget that i ever had such obnoxious creeps in my circle!!

If i had a four clover leaf, i'd wish to go back in life and erase the pages where you existed. And more than words, its the double standards and cunningness of people that repels and hurts.

I have realized too that a face is not as important as it is made to be!! Cause you people keep so many of them that i really dont care a damn!

I really pity people who hate others! i don't hate, i just feel utterly disgusted!

at least you know where, when and how you lost your nears and dears! i didn't even realize when you took my parents away!

You cowards come out and have a verbal one on one.. am ready to show you how much you stink.. and if you have ever looked into the mirror and not been scared of your own self, then you know i am talking of you!