DAMN

TV MADE ME GAY!!!!!

2011-02-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Heavens to Murgatroyd! I wasn't born GAY! TV made me gay!

"Exit, stage left!"

"How's that for a Topper!"

"It's Funky Phantom Time!"

"Yapple Dapple!"

GREY GARDENS: The Upper-crust version of HOARDERS

2011-02-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

I was watching GREY GARDENS the other day and I finally came to the realization that I would hate these women if I met them today. Big and Little Edie were self-absorbed, lazy, blatherers. Granted they may have been mentally unhinged rather than just eccentric, but I can no longer accept the notion that they were charming. These women had money and prestige, but they lost it all. Instead of picking themselves up by their bootstraps and cleaning up the joint, they chose to dissipate in squalor. Yes, I remember how great it was to see GREY GARDENS for the first time on VHS - God, my youthful search for crazies was definitely satisfied by these two! I was beguiled and dumbfounded by their loony-bird antics. Who wouldn't be? They were cute cartoons with a sad story. I know I will get a lot of flack for denouncing the Beales, but when I re-watch GREY GARDENS I feel as if it's just an upper-crust version of the show HOARDERS.

LESBIAN LOVE!

2011-02-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

I've realized through the years that when it comes to films and books, I have this thing for lesbians. Funny, because I am friends with only a handful of lesbians. One of my best friends is a lesbian trapped in a drag queen's body, so she doesn't count.
I usually tend to offend lesbians. Why? I'm not sure.

Music is where I draw the line in Sister of Sappho territory. I'd rather have high tea with Lady Loathsome Ganglion Gaga than listen to the likes of Melissa Etheridge, Tegan and Sara, Indigo Girls or any other minge eater performing at the Lilith Fair.

Anyway, here are some clips and photos of some of my favorite lesbians and lesbian-themed films. Very dyke-a-licious!

CAMILLE PAGLIA

STEPHANE AUDRAN & JAQUELINE SASSARD in CLAUDE CHABROL'S LES BICHES

BERYL REID & SUSANNAH YORK in ROBERT ALDRICH'S THE KILLING OF SISTER GEORGE

ISABELLE HUPPERT & MIOU MIOU in DIANE KURYS' ENTRE NOUS

FLORENCE KING

"The witty woman is a tragic figure in American life. Wit destroys eroticism and eroticism destroys wit, so women must choose between taking lovers and taking no prisoners."

INTERIORS

2011-02-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

Scenes from my favorite Woody Allen movie, INTERIORS, set to P.J. Harvey's RID OF ME.

Geraldine Page plays distraught so well.

FRIZZ WIZZ

2011-02-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of conditioner and hair treatments. Frizzy is the new do this season. Look to the future by looking a fright.

Photo of Sonia Rykiel

TRIBUTES TO ME!

2010-11-21T13:42:00.001-08:00

Your lyric is intriguing.

choose your death wisely for it will be eating out your ass crevice SHORTLY!!!

hmmmm
Your profile stands for everything I stand against... chiefly, idle self-contemplation, obscure references for the sake of nonconformity, and a penchant for pictures that destroy any sense of a profile's accord.
So why am I turned on?

i think you can be cruel and malicious when you're bored of things, especially at parties, and you tend to single out the weak and elderly of the herd like a wolf...you hide your secret tender tendencies 'neath a veneer of razor wire.

(Dis)Regading Hilary Skank.
I think you said it best when commenting on her dress (forgive me for paraphrasing):
"IT'D BE A GREAT DRESS FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN"T HAVE A SIX-PACK ON HER BACK!"

Thank God you exist.

the only one of these things worth reading thoroughly. you're so funny. let's elope.

Hmm...I like 11 of the 23 things on this list that you think are APPALLING! HORRIBLE! HEINOUS! :) Could this mean trouble in platoniccouplesville? No, you love me anyway!

Emotionally, what stands out?
The soft center coated in hot peppers.

Physically, what stands out?
Your sardonic smile/aristocratic nose. What can I say, I'm a "face" man.

What do you think of me?
You're one only five friends I would choose to have abducted with me and placed in a celestial zoo a la Slaughterhouse Five.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU. don't forget it.

No release forms for you, you vain bitch!

If you don't like the way you look in the photos, make yourself more attractive. The camera doesn't lie.

NO ONE can massage my balls with Ben Gay while pulling a string of Rubber Ducky patio lights from my ass like you!

(great, even in death I have to suffer your nerve jangling '80's musical selection...)

I hate your lipstick. Come to ruba.

While Dan often left his diary out so that I could read it, I never left evidence of my feelings. I assumed that we were so different, perhaps too different to survive together, until I discovered, in a journal entry, that he was fantasizing about my death just as I was planning his. Neither of us had the courage to kill the other, but planning the murder alleviated some of the tension. "Sometimes, when Mike stays late at the library," Dan wrote, "I think that he may have been run over by a car. Life would be so much easier." "Dan isn't answering the phone," I thought, "has he jumped off the balcony?" I decorated a smaller apartment, in my imagination, where I kept all the furniture and cheap paintings that I would lose in the break up: furniture that we would sell when Dan left me/ I left him, to live three blocks apart and speak to each other everyday.

Ms mommy hulk still love hulk dan. she is very tired hulk mommy and try to desperately 2 loose weight.

I dislike your sensitivity to other people's negative/dismissive/critical opinions of you. I'd prefer that you to receive (or perceive) such feedback with a shrug, a thoughtful pause or a peal of derisive laughter.

Sicko

not to put a damper on your tirade - no one can do that to you...

I wish you don't have a happy birthday. I wish you have a no happy birthday. I wish you were number fifteen so you would die. I love you. Bye.

I decided that my hate loves your hate

Oh and by the way fuck you for kissing ____

Enjoy your sweet mood my little monchichi.

How gorgeously like you to misremember a fag bashing as an erotic pigplay molestation!

What if you didn't have a sarcastic reply to every person that replied to your blog? Would it make people not reply? Probably... that's half the fun! Go ahead, hippie! Do your worst!

I AM LOVE

2010-11-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

Bird-ghost, Tilda Swinton, has made, yet, another pretentious & over-stylized movie. Tilda performing a sex scene is like watching salt on a slug. Watch I AM LOVE if you are infatuated by corny camera tricks and close-ups of anemic body parts.

In The Name of the Father, Obama & Holy Ghost.

2008-09-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the video made in support of Obama? I find it distasteful, but extremely hilarious. Oh, there they are: A praying Whoopi Goldberg and other solemn & reflective celebrities singing "American Prayer". Botoxed Barry Manilow is even there with his pinched, EXPRESSIONLESS puppet face. What the hell is this? I have never seen anything so embarrassing in my life. After suffering through this video, I may stop calling myself an Independent and become a die-hard Republican! Here's the video dedicated to the new Messiah.

PHILADELPHIA PUNK ROCK FLEA MARKET

2008-07-07T15:39:00.001-07:00

I went to the Philadelphia Punk Rock Flea Market the other day. Funny, I thought Punk Rock died circa 1979. Was I wrong? Anyway, this event was about as Punk Rock as the MUPPET SHOW, and that's giving it way too much credit. I never saw so many unwashed, smelly urchins in one building. I saw irony personified - body odor included - looking through ragged clothes while eating melting vegan cookies and complaining about how $3.00 prices are too high. I saw passionless, languid, PBR drinking hipsters who think the cast members from TEEN WOLF TOO are style icons. These overly tattooed nerdsters all have the same fashion sense: thick ugly rimmed glasses (ala Charles Nelson Reilly from Matchgame PM), drainpipe jeans (aka skinny jeans) & ironic t-shirts emblazoned with unicorns and CARE BEARS!
BY THE WAY, can someone please tell the pudgy dudes that skinny jeans are only for SKINNY PEOPLE under the age of 23. Sadly, I know an irritating little ponce who wears these jeans and looks like an overfed Pillsbury Doughboy tightly squeezed into sausage casing. I bet if I snipped the cuffs of his jeans an overabundance of Marshmallow Fluff would seep out.
Anyway, I was hot and sweaty and the lines were too long and I don't consider mohawked Sisters of Sappho punk rockers! What I'm trying to say is that PUNK ROCK was about an energy: punks were anti-establishment and even though their tirades may have been drug-induced at least they had fun. They were enjoyably negative. What I saw that weekend should have been aptly titled the LIMP SOCK flea market.

23 Things I Love This Month

2008-03-07T20:35:00.002-08:00

1. Thomas Pink Elephant Print Tie
2. Arugula salads with artichoke hearts
3. Oxicleaning my whites
4. Peggy Noonan
5. Seltzer with a squirt of lime juice
5. Thrift shopping for hours.
6. The Tudors
7. Rock of Love 2
8. Transformers The Movie
9. Horror movie nights with my best buddy
10. Mocking passerby with my favorite wife
11. Gossiping with the Stegosaurus of my heart
12. Red plastic elephant pin
13. America's Next Top Model & Girlicious Night with my lovely lady & gent
14. McLaughlin Group sundays
15. Carpal Tunnel Exercises
16. Late night phone gabbing with mom
17. Neti Pot
18. Chicken Pho
19. People who ignore their cell phones while hanging with me
20. Eating Veggie Booty until fully bloated
21. Sleeping alone
22. KCRW's Left, Right & Center Podcast
23. Maria Callas on rainy days

RAQUEL WELCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-03T17:54:00.000-08:00

Raquel Welch is 67 and I love her dearly. Viva Raquel!

OSCARS 2008: Suicide Is Always An Option

2008-02-25T22:57:00.000-08:00

Once again the Oscars were abysmal. Where are the movie stars? Where is the glamour? There wasn't even anyone to ridicule. Drab! Drab! Drab! The stage looked cold and barren with columns that rose and fell like the bank tubes used at drive-thru windows.
As a matter of fact, I think I had more fun getting my free lollipops from the chirpy Wachovia bank-tellers than watching the 2008 Academy Awards. John Stewart had a few good lines, but I am so sick of that brand of "wink-wink" glib humor. You know it is going to be a wretched night when the biggest star is the sexless Tilda Swinton. Her lifeless face was a forecast of the nothingness to come that wearisome evening. Would it hurt to wear a little makeup? I mean, you are being paid to entertain us you unappreciative chalky slag.
And how many friggen times must I hear songs from the Disney movie, ENCHANTED? God, that cacophonous Broadway-style is equivalent to having someone play Chopsticks up and down my spine with a fork. When does the torture end? Waterboarding never seemed so pleasant.
And who the hell are the stylists and P.R. consultants of these people? These vacuous celebrities need to be directed on what to wear and say to their clueless and adoring fans. I wince every time I hear a witless remark by baby-woman Cameron Diaz. I am dumbfounded when I am told that the ingenue, who is the organism named Hannah Montana, will be a billionaire soon. What the hell is happening? And can someone please explain John Travolta's painted-on hairdo?
I must admit there were some visual presents such as the cougar-faced Faye Dunaway and the silver-fox Jane Russell on the red carpet, but that's not enough to get me through an awards ceremony. I officially declare war against Hollywood! We need to fight against the powers that be and establish control like the studio gestapo of yesteryear. Mediocrity is winning and I can't stomach it!

DEATHWATCH

2007-12-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

OUI: But you do look in the mirror a good deal, as you have written.

GORE VIDAL: True.

OUI: Why?

VIDAL: Looking for death. Seeing what inroads death has made since the last glance.

OUI: Have you always looked in mirrors?

VIDAL: All my life.

OUI: And has it always been a question of death?

VIDAL: No, that comes later. When you're young, you look hopefully- oh dear, not "hopefully" - to see yourself growing up, to see if you're getting lines and beginning to look like a proper adult. You look for change. In one's prime, you look to see how you are faring, if you're still there. After forty, the deathwatch.

C is for Cookie!

2007-12-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

I heard recently that Cookie Monster from Sesame Street is now a Veggie Monster. The people at Sesame Street are "teaching him moderation". Mr. Monster is now cutting down on his cookie intake. Did you know that every time Cookie Monster goes crazy for cookies, he is really having a hyperactive sugar fit? Are they going to tell me tomorrow that Grover has anorexic tendencies: "Fatten up his feeble arms!" Or will they suggest that Bert's interpretative dance, "Doing the Pigeon", is deemed offensive to cultures who hold that bird to be sacred: "Let him sway back and forth without music or joy!" Will Oscar the Grouch visit a psychiatrist in the near future?: "Pump him with Paxil!"

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...
How to get to Sesame Street
How to get to...

Tara Reid

2007-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Can someone please tell me: WHY IS SHE FAMOUS? What did she do? What did she accomplish? She doesn't even have a sliver of panache or grace! There are definite problems in our culture when we idolize floozies. We need to fire everyone in Hollywood, including all of the writers, and start the rebirth of a true Heavenly Hollywood. Why are all the jocks and sorority bimbos now megastars in Hollywood? We need to stand together and demolish this sludge.

photo: Pacific Coast News

Lions and Tigers and Joan Van Ark, Oh My!

2007-12-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

Val (Joan Van Ark) from the TV show,Knots Landing, hasn't had a Lifetime movie deal in some time. Yes, there are definite problems in this face. Allie from the Allie Is Wired website noticed that poor Joanie used the same pencil for her eyebrows and eyeliner. I think that's okay if you are a deranged homeless lady trying to audition for the Raccoon Olympics. No, but really, don't you just think she needs a coat of blood-red lipstick outlined with the same pencil to bring it all together? She actually looks like she has been getting makeup tips from the Scarecrow in the WIZARD OF OZ. You be the judge.

Missing Cher & Grandma Alice

2007-12-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

I loved Cher as the half-breed Indian princess. I miss her uneven snaggle teeth and aristocratic nose.
Grandma always lied to us on Christmas. One frosty year she wrapped up Fun Pads as our only presents and burbled her famous line: "It's really going to be a piss poor Christmas this year." We pretended to believe her for fear of appearing too spoiled. As usual, there was always a slew of gifts decked out underneath her musical spinning Christmas tree.
I miss her emphysemic cough, her 7&7 breakfast cocktails, her blah blah blahs, her false teeth fizzing in a glass, her bacon & chicken liver hors d'oeuvres, her mini pumpernickel bread binges, her sleepy cigarette burns on our satin-edged acrylic blankets and her sly disdain for stupidity.

Anachronism

2007-11-28T22:01:00.000-08:00

When I look around today, the biggest anachronism I see is pregnancy. I just can't believe that people are still pregnant.

-Andy Warhol

President Giuliani

2007-11-22T18:53:00.000-08:00

I am enthralled. I love watching the hot-blooded Italian in a debate. I pray to Ares that I get to see him beat down Hillary. For now, you get ferrets.

LINKS

2007-11-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1.I believe in meeeeeeeeeeee!

2. Witchiepoo

3. Inebriated & sexy

4. Crazy time.

5. Kisses

6. RIP

7. Anita

8. No more sinus headaches.

9. Learning geography can be fun

10. Prezzies for me.

ACADEMY AWARDS 2006: Come one, come all - as long you have nothing to say and a very loud voice to say it in.*

2007-11-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

I'm in a tizzy. I am so overwhelmed by dreck and dross. I am bewildered by the disintegration of Hollywood and star power. How could the awards get any worse? Maybe it is time for world catastrophe. After last night, I welcome the so-called affects of global warming. Actually, I think Naomi Watts is probably clairvoyant, diving into the future dressed in an apocalyptic mummy casing.
Dolly Parton, the Florence Nightingale/savior of the evening, was a vision in white. This sham of an awards ceremony needed a panacea by Parton. Sixty year old Parton was bite-sized divinity on an immense stage, hypnotizing the mere mortals in the audience with her enthusiasm and verve without any poorly choreographed backup dancers or props. Dolly kicked up her heels and was never snide, condescending or politically motivated: pure joie de vivre without being insipid. So, why wasn't the Oscar awarded to her? My guess is because the evening was a politicized minority and gay shindig. Yes, Dolly is a gay icon, but she isn't black, lesbian or transgendered, thus eliminating her from her deserved win. Instead, the Oscar was bestowed upon The Three 6 Mafia for the song, "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp". These mush-mouthed street urchins slobbered all over the microphone, spouting gibberish as an acceptance speech. Poor Sidney Poitier - all the panache and class he exuded in his films and persona have been for what effort?

George Clooney is such the movie star in many ways: he is dashing, well-dressed, and well-spoken. I just wish the old studio system could be put into effect when words and pamphlet politics come spewing from his snide, contemptuous, but pretty little mouth.

Georgie: "This Academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters."

When did Clooney become a mouthpiece for Civil Rights?

Camille Paglia said it best: "Excuse me, if I'm not mistaken, Hattie McDaniel was not invited to sit at the banquet on that occasion... The Hollywood film industry was notorious for its racism for a very long time... George Clooney, go back to the books!"

Other moments:

Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin blathered on, for what seemed like hours, during their awkward and embarrassing improvisational tribute to Robert Altman. ENDLESS.

Jon Stewart's jokes. UNFUNNY.

Ben Stiller in his green-screen outfit was ridiculously satirical and tedious. STALE.

Frances McDormand. UNWASHED.

Selma Hayek was delicious in Charo's dress. BUXOM.

Jennifer Lopez looked the perfect star. BURNISHED.

Charlize Theron bought her dress from a local sweatshop. Rumor has it that it was sewn by a hardworking five year old. WONKY.

Jack Nicholson was tanked up and cheeky. Thank God for a sliver of entertainment. CRUNKED.

Dame Judy Dench lost to Reese Witherspoon. Need I say more? FLUMMOXED.

*"Come one, come all...." quote by Lydia Lunch

Because I Said So.

2007-11-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

When we go to a restaurant please do not let me sit with my back towards the door. I have atavistic fears of getting stabbed in the back. If my seating is not right, I will appear awkward and quiet. This will tame the beast, but you will not have fun.

Please do not have me work 40 hours. Even though my immigrant blood/body was made for hard work, I prefer to be languid and leisurely. Life is too short to do the work of others.

No babble. Too much talk exhausts my soul. My favorite boyfriends have always been taciturn. Precious silence.

I laugh at EVERYTHING. Nothing is sacred. Maladies are funny if you remind yourself that you, too, will suffer and die. Why not add it to your repertoire?

Arrive empty-handed to a party? Never.

Please do not apologize for my behavior ever! I will take responsibility for my own horrible sense of propriety, thank you very much.

If you see a sun-drenched stuffed animal coming my way help me to avert my eyes. Neglected objects are worse than gloomy sundays.

Please, if you are a couple, knock off the secret stares and whispers. The rest of us are not oblivious.

No moping when you are out with a group. I have never been a fan of a sad sack night out on the town.

Never assume I have the same political views as you. As I have said before, your ill-considered sound bytes are intrusive.

Anything written in pencil afflicts me with a deep-rooted melancholy.

ACADEMY AWARDS 2005

2007-11-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

OSCARS - A DISGRACE!
Current mood: drunk

Depressed. I thought that watching the Oscars would bring my spirits up. I was dead wrong – mediocrity and blandness are so big this year. Whatever happened to showmanship?!! Here are some highlights.

Clint Eastwood looked liked a female ventriloquist dummy. Granted, he is 74, but please lay off the heavy trannie foundation! He is definitely eating age-defying placenta for brunch.

Melanie Griffith was a mother from another planet. I didn’t know that Tippi Hedren gave birth to an extra-terrestrial skid mark. Melanie, must you wear your cheekbones on your eyelids?!!

Let’s see, who won best horse face? I mean, actress? As Morgandy said of Hillary Swank: “She looks predatory!” I couldn’t agree more. She looked like a boy wolf dressed as a girl trying to be a man and just barely making it as a woman to tonight’s festivities. And what about her pussy-boy boyfriend with the glassy eyes? Wretch! What does Chad Lowe do for a living? Is he Swank’s charwoman? Beard? Please enlighten me.

Christ! Beyonce desecrated the French language with her rendition of a song from THE CHORUS. When is that unpoised, hard-stepping beauty going to take diction classes?

And when did we become so A.D.D. that now we need to bring the nominees of dubious categories on stage before the winning announcement? They looked like soon-to-be victims of a firing squad.

And please tell me who the hell saw the Ray Charles movie? In the previews, Jamie Foxx acts like a third-rate theater major – playing blind is about as difficult as playing retard. I thought I was watching a Lifetime TV movie preview without the brilliance of a Joan Van Ark in the title role.

Every year I become more and more enraged at Hollywood and its sorority/fraternity members whom we now call stars. The Pantheon is empty and I doubt there is any hope for the future of Hollywood. If only we could exhume the dead legends of yesteryear and cart them out like regal marionettes. Hey, they’re doing it with the lumpy Pope – why can’t they do it with Garbo’s skeletal remains?

REPTILE

2007-11-07T19:03:00.001-08:00

AUTHENTIC CHOICES AT A LOCAL VEGETARIAN CHINESE RESTAURANT:

Glutinous Rice Roll Starter.

Black Moss Fungus & Tofu Soup.

Jelly on the Stick w. Bar-B-Q Sauce Entree.

Wash it all down with a Mushroom Coke.

TEXT MESSAGE OF THE MONTH:

Lily taylor bloat b chekin me ov. step off bitch me gay. oh no, blk male w julia roberts wig. lily where you at?

BIRTHDAY VOICE MAIL MESSAGE FROM MY NEPHEW, MAJOR:

I wish you don't have a happy birthday. I wish you have a no happy birthday. I wish you were number fifteen so you would die. I love you. Bye.

BEST QUOTE OF THE EVENING:

Gays are starting to look reptilian.

LOVING MERV

2007-10-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today's talk show hosts are snide, glib & insipid. Today's celebrities are vapid, wooden & disposable. Will I live to see the obliteration of the existing pop culture? Will there be a renaissance or is the rapidly declining entertainment industry an omen projecting a beginning of an apocalypse? Ponder these questions, and in the mean-time, enjoy Merv, Don Rickles & Nina Hagen: a crazy mix of stars who ENTERTAINED us during the 80's.