My life, So far

Break ups.

2012-06-28T02:01:00.001-07:00

Break ups... They always seem like the right thing to do. Until you find yourself all alone on the couch with your cat watching Cougar Town feeling lonely and depressed. Most likely I'll be drinking a huge glass of wine thats filled to the top not bothering to sip it slow.
Why is that when you break up with someone you seem to always be thinking... is this what I really want?
If you're like me you would be finding things to get your mind off the guy you just dumbed. For example, sleeping with other men, getting wasted till you end up calling a booty call, go shopping, and then finally realizing that everything you're doing is pointless because your somehow on the phone with the guy you just dumped 3 days ago.
This is whats wrong with me, I seem to always forget why I dumbed him in the first place. I always seem to think about the hot body he has and his sexy eyes and him only paying attention to me. I never seem to actually stop and think about the fights and how fucking annoying he is and how much I want to hit him in the fucking head with a bat when he talks. For some reason I tend to want him to take me back after I dump him just so I can remember why I dumped him in the first place.
Now that I have him back, I'm now pondering on how I should break it down easily for him. I was to say something like, "Hey, you're hott but every time you open your month I want to cry at such a waste of life. Since your personality is clearly not good enough." or "Hey, go switch personalities with someone I like and then get back to me."

xox
Dylan

Fallen.

2011-12-27T04:18:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to sleep or remember my days. Everything has become a blur, my life, my future and myself. Have I reached the point where I don't care about anything? My feelings have become numb to the fact that I just cant feel or see or sleep or do remotely anything. Every time I look back on what I've written on my past doesn't make sense anymore. Am I crazy? Is my life always going to a story to me? Is it weird that I think about death? That I want to die? I know its selfish and stupid but I keep feeling like it will happen to me any moment now. That it's coming for me. I'm falling down and no one is here to catch me. I keep having dreams about my mother. How she's still alive and out there waiting for me to come see her. In my dreams I get to close to reaching her but then poof! I awake.
Do you believe you lived a life before the present. I feel as if I have and sometimes I remember bits of it then it disappears and reappears all the time. Although I can't quite explain the memories of my other life. Maybe I'm insane and only psychopaths will believe me. We are all living in a square box and when someones mind goes outside the box trying to get the truth people come after you saying you're not normal and binge you on drugs to maybe keep you sane for a while. I really wish I was living in a life with my mother. Having no mom is like having half or your heart burnt down and a knife in your gut twisting its way around while you watch everything around you disappear. I try so hard to shake the discomfort of her being gone but every time I feel like I'm okay. More insane thoughts creep inside my fucked up head where I start talking to myself and sometimes 'God, if there even is one.

xoxo
Dylan

I'll be skinny or Die trying.

2011-12-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been good with eating. I smoke cigarettes to decrease my appetite. Take Ritalin to make me not want to eat. I also take ephedrine and caffeine pills before I go to the gym. So that it will make me loose more weight. Sweat it all out. I don't know how to diet or how to actually go on a healthy eating plan. I just can't do it. So I've been making up the rules as I go. I drink a lot so that also doesn't help but I've lost 5 pounds in one week. I think thats a good amount of pounds to sherd after a week. Is it not? I just want to be thinner. I want to have golden skin that looks like its been kissed from the sun. I will have that and I will be thinner. First goal is to actually get skinnier. Then once that has happened I can spend money on new clothes and feel good in them and not have to worry about my thighs touching or my stomach looking like i have a baby bump. Have you girls ever wondered what it would be like the actually feel physically happy with your self. I wonder that every day. What kind of confidence I would have? What kind of feeling I would get in the morning when I see my reflection in the mirror. It would be complete bliss. I'm trying to take charge in my life style. Lets hope it works out. Today I'm going to work hard at the gym. Go on the treadmill for 30 mins, the elliptical for 20 mins, push ups for 15, sit ups for 15 mins, and weights for 20. I can do this and I will!
Wish me luck bloggers. Hope you like my skinny picture of the day.

xoxo
Dylan

The desire to be thinner #2

2011-12-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

So I have lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Today I went to the gym for 2 hours. Did cardio for 1 hour, stretched for 15 minutes, did weights for 10 minutes and did sit ups for 30 minutes. I guess you could say I had a lot of energy but only because I took ephedrine, caffeine pills and Ritalin. I probably could have gone for another hour if I wasn't so scared that I was going to pass out. Rihanna's new album talk that talk helped me run faster. It's an amazing album. Tomorrow is going to be a repeat. I am so desperately wanting to get thinner. If I don't loose 30 pounds by the end of January. I will be heart broken. Anyways, I met the perfect guy. He's 29, Australian, Taurus (just like me) and he is successful who wants to spoil me. When he told me he wanted to spoil me thats when my heart was literally his. Who says that money cant buy you happiness because it sure as hell can. Have you ever seen someone sad on a jet sky... NO. Have you ever seen someone sad traveling around the world seeing the most exotic places... Nope. If anyone says money can't buy you happiness thats because they are probably broke and don't even know what its like to have money that can get you places you've always wanted to go and have things that you never dreamed of having. Maybe if your famous and you have the media all around you, saying shit about you. That will get you down but even then they probably shrug it off and find something to buy or plan a trip. For all of you who don't know what its like to have anything you want. Don't say money cant buy you happiness because you haven't even tried it.

Xoxo
Dylan

Once again. I am truly a slut.

2011-11-12T13:24:00.000-08:00

Before I get into my slutty blogging. I'm going to tell you my progress of me being skinner. Its been Day three. Still taking ritalin, smoking and drinking coffee, or having diet coke. I barely eat but I guess thats a good thing. Haven't gone to the gym been to busy with work.

Anyways, lets talk about what just happened yesterday or the past week. Last weekend I went down town and met one of my old guy friends older brother. We bought drinks and danced got along fine. Went back to his place. We didn't end up sleeping together. I was saying stupid shit. About how I wanted to find a boyfriend. Then he said I am willing to keep seeing you after tonight. I went a bit possessive over him and I don't know why. I stopped talking to him for a week and of course every guy comes back for more. I don't know why but every guy I have ever hooked up with keeps coming back over and over again. He called me and said he wanted to see me. I let him come over and we got in bed started to kiss and snuggle... I hate snuggling but I let it happen this time. I think its because I'm realizing I'm alone. He tried sleeping with me but I said no. It wasn't a good idea. He then just snuggled me. I started to have wet dreams of us fucking. I woke up and fucked him. But never again. I feel horrible about myself. I don't think I can face him. It was great sex don't get me wrong. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Sleep with guys and not have feelings for them. It isn't fun anymore. So that's over with, already deleted his number.

Then theres Marcus, who I have been on and off with for the past three years. We see each other a lot. And I think he's now starting to realize he wants to be with me. The thing is I don't want to be with him. He's gorgeous but the personality just isn't there. He's such a nice guy, I feel bad. I guess I just need to let fate take its course.

Always dazed and confused about my life and where it's heading. Does it ever change?

The desire to be thinner.

2011-11-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

I have been obsessing over thinspo tumbler blogs. I don't know if any of you have ever herd of it. I'm sure a lot of you have. Where girls post photos of skinny girls and they obsess over being thin. That is me. I'm now taking ritalin, coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating healthy. Also I'm going to the gym more. Well I'm planning on it. I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror and saying to myself 'who the fuck is going to love this 140 lbs girl. NO ONE!' I need to stop being so fucking lazy and get on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure 80% of the girls and women are thinking the exact same thing I am. I am one of those girls who think being thin will solve everything and make my world a happier place. This is day 1 of my diet and I'm going to be blogging about it each day. So that it will keep me motivated.
Today I took 10mg of ritalin, 1 coffee, 4 cigarettes, sushi and a salad. That is all I'm having today. And lots of water. Let's see how I progress. I'll also be posting a picture of a skinny body that I want to have. My muse of the day!

xoxo
Dylan

I'm a possessive, psycho bitch.

2011-11-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

I came to the conclusion that every relationship I have ever had have been crazy because of me. I am possessive, stubborn, mean, psycho and delusional. I am a manipulator. My first relationship I drove him so insane that he actually would believe everything I said. I would tell him lies and when it was my fault I made him think it was his. He became obsessive over me and I made him. Then my second relationship was also evil and its my fault. I made him so mad that he got abusive. Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this possessive girl that drives men crazy? I'm never going to be loved or liked if my actions are always so stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm screwed in the relationship department. I used to want to be single and always fucked around and loved being that way. Now I have no idea how to begin a relationship let along let the guy know I'm heading towards that way. So if he's hanging out with me he's got to keep and open mind. Every time I even say something remotely towards that, they find it to forward. What am I supposed to say then? "Lets be friends with benefits and see where that leads us?" Fuck that. I don't want to fall for someone and then later on know nothing is ever going to become of it. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being so fucking honest. I'm tired of liking the wrong guys. Is it so hard to find a guy in Vancouver? I feel like Vancouver is the capital of No Man's Land. No guys ever ask a girl for her number anymore. Maybe once and awhile but not really, guys just suck here. I don't know how anyone can fall in love in Vancouver. It's never going to happen for me. I need to wake up and get the fuck out of here. Girls I wish you all luck if you live in Vancouver. If you do find love here then your one of the lucky ones.

xoxo
Dylan

2011-10-19T00:40:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend told me today that I had it all. The job, the place, the looks and any guy I wanted. When I don’t have either of them. Why is it when someone views you, they view you differently then you view yourself? I’m never truly happy. I do things to hope that I can live a fiction life. A life that I can be happy with, something I can make up in my head and live it out. Maybe fiction is meant for stories for a reason. I’m lonely and I’m lost. I’m unhappy and unsure of myself. Is it always going to be this repeat? Will I never find myself? I guess I’m not trying hard enough or maybe this is who I am. Someone who lives the wild card, going against the rules in the book of life. I now know that I am complete opposite of my mother. She was a saint. An angle. Who could compete with that. If I was have the woman she was, I wouldn’t even be here. Id be happy living the simple life. Fallowing the rules, never turning to the dark side. I have more of a demon in me than an angel. Tomorrow I’m going for dinner with an older man. I’m going to be getting paid to sleep with him.. High end escort. Yes, I said it. Escort. I used to try to convince myself that’s not what I am but it is. I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years now. Wow, time fly’s. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing when I’m older…. Where is my life going? Absolutely fucking nowhere.

xo Dylan

Why I'm single.

2011-09-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

I think of myself as some self centred person. Whenever I am interested in someone I go hard. Then once they find any attraction to me. I just could careless. As if I were already bored to what they have to say to me. I haven't had sex in 3 weeks. I want it bad. I love sex but I want it from someone who is awkward, different, and not interested. It's not normal but its what excites me. I'm going to be straight with you. I am psycho and possessive. If I don't get the attention I want. I wont be happy. If I do I will be annoyed. I don't understand my thinking.
Lets just say this, I am emotionally damaged. Girls mind react differently then guys, of course. We say we want something then expect the opposite. Each angle we do something guys will think differently towards it. Lately I've been watching a lot of shows and viewing a lot of different relationships. Every time I see it
I'm starting to understand the guys side. We are confusing mammals that will never fully be satisfied by any thing. There is always going to be the one thing that will either make us unhappy or angry or start a huge rampage and bitch. I mean its bad enough we get our periods once a month but I mean really do we have to always be such bitches. We can't expect men to understand us at all times. They never will and 90% of the time they say something that they think is nice and we always end up taking it the wrong way. Girls the reason why we take it the wrong way is because we are just to fucking insecure about our selfs we over think and analyze everything. So there for we bitch at the men which make them think, 'hey this girl is nuts' and they run away.
All the men and women we see happy with each other are only happy because they aren't insecure about who they are with or about themselves. So what I am trying to get at here is that we try so hard to fix everything and bitch at everything to make the perfect relationship or have the perfect relationship. When really all you need to do is just stop and let it be.

And thats my probably right there. I think to much about myself that I wont be able to put any effort into a relationship because I am still trying to work on myself and be okay with who I am. Rather then trying to find someone and try to make it into some great relationship when it was just never going to be in the first place by me trying so hard to find it. I am single because I am being self centred (at the moment) to work on myself to be happy. Then again... maybe I should just stop and let it be.
None of this probably made any sense to you but this is how my mind works. I'm kinda fucked up that way.

Will I be alone forever?

2011-08-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

I have had my share of guys. Yes, I guess I'm not the unique looking girl that a guy will fall in love with but I have been with a lot of men. None of which who care for me. Is it because I don't even consider myself worthy enough? Maybe. I keep repeating over and over in my head what is so wrong with me that makes me this bad of a person or this fucked up as a person that I don't think I even deserve someone. I want to feel the love that I have never felt before. I want to be with someone that actually cares. I am drunk ranting on this blog. Although I think this is the first step to admitting to myself that I am truly lonely and I do want a boyfriend. Is it always going to be this way. Its been a year and 6 months since Jesse. I don't know when I will ever find someone or if I will ever be over him. I sound like some stupid girl who is still obsessed with her ex boyfriend. I am not obsessed with him. Lets be real here. I just haven't been able to feel the way I have ever felt for anyone the way I felt about him. Its a never ending cycle. I'll meet a guy then all the sudden its either me being annoyed at the fact that he likes me or annoyed at the fact that he doesn't. My mind is literally fucked. I cant like someone unless they don't like me. Does that make any sense to you? It sure as fucking hell doesn't make sense to me. Living on my own has been an absolute pain. I don't want to waste my dads money on a place where I much rather be snuggled in bed with my kitties at my dads place. You have no idea how much I miss him. It sucks. I know my father and I have had our ups and downs. Its just not the same knowing he's the room across from mine. Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am at my home, which make it the best sleep ever, then when I wake up I get all depressed again. Should I go see my doctor and get my pills re prescribed to me or should I just deal with it on my own. I always thought that dealing with it on my own would be better but it seems to get worse and worse. I know that I shouldn't even be complaining about my life because honestly I know so many people that would die to exchange lives with me. I know that there is so many kids out there struggling with where they live and how their living conditions are just disgusting. If i was in that position. I wouldn't be writing a blog thats all I can say right now because I am some fucked up person with a chemical imbalance. I don't know how I am even typing right now because I am some what drunk.... OMG!!! totally forgot to tell you! The monster poem in my blog I showed you guys earlier was submitted in a contest and I wont 1,000$!! and its being published!!!! It's kind of exciting but its also upsetting knowing the Steve was a really big impact on my life because with out him I wouldn't have wrote that poem. I wish he wasn't such a huge impact on me. It would probably make me feel better about my self.
This depression has reached its limit. I'm waiting for the day for someone to just put a gun to my head and take it all away.... is that so wrong of me to think? Is it wrong that I wouldn't care if someone killed me right now. That I wouldn't be afraid.
Maybe one day I will get back to reality but so far my reality sucks. I feel as if the world will do so much better without me.

xx
Dylan

Why don't I feel bad?

2011-08-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. I was to scared to write it down before because maybe somehow someone could track who I really was on this blog. Now that I know that I'm hidden and only 600 people a month read my blog. I am in the safe zone. I met this guy and he was at least 15 years older then me. We went for drinks and had dinner at a really expensive restaurant it was called Global. When I was there I looked around and saw my surroundings. Men with lots of money and girls who looked more dumber then a 12 year old boy. They acted like they knew everything but really they were probably just hookers or escorts trying to look normal. I could tell the men were paying these women to go to dinner with them. Just like I was being paid as well. Yes, I was getting paid to go on a nice dinner with a man 15 years older then me. Do I feel bad? no. Should I feel bad, yes. I don't understand why I cant feel anything. It is like my emotions are numb to it all.
While we were having dinner he was asking me about what I was going to do for living. I'm fucking 18.. Does it look like I have any idea what I am going to do. I told him I didn't have any set plans. He looked at me and said. "I don't think it will be such a problem for you." I thought to myself 'Hey buddy, just because I'm getting paid %^&$ to sit here and eat dinner with you doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it'.... or does it?
After our dinner he gave me the money. He told me he would like to see me again but more of me. I looked at him as if he was crazy. Could I even dare sleep with someone that is 15 years older then me. He was average looking nothing great. I told him I would call him sometime and see what's up.
Knowing me and how I spend money. I spent it all in one day. Bought myself some nice things. It felt amazing! I couldn't believe how easy it was to just get that much money in such a short time. Thats like 2 months of working for me right there. Was the dinner worth it. Yes. Should I feel ashamed? Yes. Honestly though I don't feel anything. Why are my emotions never going to be normal. I haven't been taking my meds the doctor prescribed me because I feel as if I will be depending on them all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to depend on meds to make me feel normal. I want to be normal by being me. I know there is no normal. Everyone is different. I just have chemical imbalance so says my doctor but screw him. I have just reached the point where I don't even know where I'm going in life or where I'm heading to. I don't want to be this way forever. When I'm older I want to be wiser, smart and the best mother ever. Like my mother was. She was a saint. I'm not even close to being half the woman she was.

xo
dylan

Boys are delusional.

2011-07-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to be like one of those girls that falls for a guy fast. Thats not how I do things around here. I have a wall up where I protect my feelings and once my feelings start to leak threw the cracks of those walls I will disappear. I don't want anything with anyone. I can't. I start to think once I start liking a guy he wont like me. Maybe I am delusional but honestly after Jesse I don't think I will ever be able to love someone or let some guy into my life. Let me fill you in on what happened a couple days ago.
I started using this guy for sex because the sex was amazing. I haven't had such good sex in a long time. I would actually be able to finish. We started hanging out a lot. He would come to my house almost every night and then one time he kept asking me to go boating with him or go places with him. Which seemed kinda like he wanted to be more then just friends. One day we went to the beach together blazed a joint and laid in the sun. He kissed me in front of people and held my hand. I felt weird as if fuck buddies don't do that. He also would text me what he was doing that day if we weren't hanging out and fill me in on everything as if I cared? This went on for 2 weeks. Then one night I finally told him I couldn't do this. I said that this was a bad idea. I started to grow a bit of feelings for him. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear. "Then I will leave. I don't want to hurt you." I then said. "I don't think we should ever hang out again. This whole fuck buddy thing isn't going to work." He then looked at me and said "We should just take a break for a week then get back and see how we feel." It was one of those complicated of nights. A couple days after that night I went to a friends party and people were like so I herd he ended it because you started to like him. Which is not what happened. I ended it and yea I kind of did start to like him thats the whole reason I stopped it because I didn't want anything. Why do guys always have to say they ended it. I don't understand. Does it make them look bad because a girl ended it. I felt like I was in fucking elementary school talking about it. It annoyed me so much that I sent him a text asking why he told them he ended it and he said. "Because it ended in my mind." Does that make any sense. I wasn't going to argue with him and I called him delusional. He said. "This worked out at perfect timing because I'm starting to see this other girl." Why would he even bother telling me that its not like I care. Was he trying to make me jealous or mad? Either way it didn't work. I Just needed to rant about that stupid thing. Tell me everyone what do you think of this stupid story?

Xx
Dylan

Is this who I am going to be forever?

2011-07-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

I don't quite understand how I turned out this way. I am probably the biggest self centred person in the world. I don't ever care about anyone other than my self. I have Facebook but the only reason I am on Facebook is because I want to look at pictures of myself or contact a hot guy. That is basically it. I could care less what everyone is doing. Facebook has been getting more boring each year. I have a feeling Facebook is going to be over with within the next year or two. Thats just my theory and if not I wont even be on it. Why? Well, just to let everyone know I have better things to do with my time then put photos of myself up and brag about how good looking I am and how great my life is. I am not being sarcastic. I think I'm hot and for a high school drop out I have it pretty fucking good. The only thing thats wrong with me is I can never be interested in a guy for over a month. I just don't really care for trying to make anything work with someone. Its to much work and I just want to focus on myself. I am very self centred. It's not that I don't like the guys its just me not caring to make an effort. I wouldn't mind having a fuck buddy though. I love sex.
I met this guy he's literally a guy version of me. We don't want a relationship nor do we care if we see other people. It's the perfect sex relationship. Although he seems like the total relationship kind of guy. He texts me randoms things about what he's doing in the day. Is that normal? Do people who use each other for sex text each other on a daily basis and seeing what one another is doing? In my books no. Then he sleeps over and tells me he wants to leave extra clothes at my place for next time he comes here. Thats not right is it? Then he tells me how he wants me to meet his friends. This is what I don't understand. He keeps asking me questions about myself. Why does he want to know? I told him that I was into zodiac signs and then he started asking if we were compatible. Which I already knew that we weren't, I told him we were though and he said "That explains everything." What a joke! I honestly am probably more confused then I ever am when I'm on my period in the grocery store deciding if I should by yogurt instead of chocolate because its healthier. I usually end up leaving with neither.
When we were in my bed after sex. He started cuddling me and I hate cuddling. Maybe he's just being a guy and doing it because its what girls like. I fucking hate the fact that guys will lie just to please the girl. I rather just be told what I don't want to hear and be okay with it then lie and be confused the whole time. Even though I'm honestly more confused than anyone right now. Maybe its because I am getting my period. I feel like I won't ever find love since Jesse. Its like I can't feel any emotion for anyone. I try and I sometimes feel like I finally like a guy then all the sudden I stop. They leave my brain completely and I end up not caring about them what so ever. I'm a cold hearted bitch that no guy can love nor I will be able to. It's a viscous cycle and I feel like I am making no sense at all. I hate it. Am I going to be like this.
I also asked him (Matt) if we could see other people. He said he was already seeing someone. Thats when I knew we were perfect for this. Good sex and we get to see other people. How much better could that get. Although in the back of my mind I feel like he's lying. I guess I need to stop thinking so fucking much and just go with the flow. Or I might drive myself insane.

Xox
Dylan

Why do I do this to myself?

2011-06-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

Hey bloggers and readers, sorry I haven't been writing very much lately but I have been busy with work and moving into my new apartment. I must tell you my place looks amazing. I have spent the past two days painting and decorating that place. Its kind of sad to know that I am no longer living with my dad. Scary more like. I am now sitting in my old room and it has never looked so empty in the past 6 years. Yes, I have lived here for 6 years. Probably the longest place I have lived my entire life. Wait actually 5 years because I lived in Seattle for year then came back. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in this empty room thinking about all the memories I have had in this bed and on this floor. LOL! Some pretty fucking crazy times if you ask me.
Now let me catch you up on what I did last week. I am a huge slut as we all already know but literally when I say slut I mean SLUT. Last weekend I went down town with three of my girlfriends and we went clubbing. Danced like strippers and drank like trailer trash people. I met the sexiest Australian ever! If I could describe to you how sexy he was I would. Well, I guess I'll try. Okay, so he had dirty blonde hair that was about 3 inches long. Bright baby blue eyes. With of course pearly white teeth. His body looked like he walked out of a men's health magazine. It wasn't that scary crazy muscle man kind of body but it was the perfect kind of muscles. Which is my favourite because when guys get too muscly I hate it! I actually think its kind of gross. Anyway's we danced and chatted for a bit. He bought me a drink even though I spilt his drink on him. After that we started hard core making out on the dance floor. I could feel my panties getting wet from the kiss. It was one of those 'lets fuck' kisses. He grabbed my lower back then pushed his hands down the back of my shorts where I could feel his hand pressed against my naked but cheek. I was weak and wanted him more then I have ever craved anyone. He told me he was leaving the next day to England, so I mean common I had to sleep with him. He was leaving!! I couldn't play the I wont sleep with you till third date game.
I went to Ben's hostel, Ben is the Australian, which I have never been to a hostel before. Its kinda weird but cool. I always thought people get killed in hostels because of the movie Hostel. When I saw that movie my dad convinced me that stuff like that actually happens. Scared the shit out of me until I found out it only happens in Europe but still. I am never going into a hostel outside of Canada. Once we got to the hostel it was cool but grungy. The street it was on was disgusting. There was a hobo just chilling outside the hostel with his box. I thought to myself 'great Dylan what did you get yourself into now' but I didn't really care because I was so horny and he was so hott that it all made up for it. Once we got to his room we had crazy sex. I made him choke me and put me in so many positions that I had an orgasm at least 3 times. The when we were done my boy toy Sean called me. I have been hooking up with him on and off for the past couple of years. I forgot it was his birthday so I wished him happy birthday and he asked me to come over. I couldn't resist because I didn't want to get attached to this amazingly hot Aussie. I thought that if I stayed longer I wouldn't want to leave.
When I got to Sean's he asked me about my night. I said exactly this word for word. "I went down town, danced like a stripper, met some foreign, went to a hostel, fucked 2 times and then you called." He laughed at me like I was joking. So I went along. Haha. Of course since it was his birthday I fucked him. Yes, I used condoms with both of them. I'm surprised my pussy isn't huge from fucking so much. Its still tight. Soon though I can see a guy never being able to pleasure him self with my gapping hole. Since I am so willingly to open it up for anything that walks by. I honestly feel like a dude sometimes. I give myself pride for sleeping with all these sexy ass men. I am a really sexual person. I also love sucking dick. I am a master at it. It gets me going knowing the guy I am sucking is loving it more then I would love him sucking my pussy. I have never given head and them not finishing on my face or on my body or in my mouth. Thats how good I am. Every guy I have sucked off has finished. I sound like a raging slut yeah what ever. I already know. So don't bother leaving comments saying "your such a fucking slut you probably have an STD" Yeah bitch I get it. I do go to the doctor to get checking. I am surprised I don't have anything because if I was someone who prided themselves in not having sex with anyone. I would think that I had every disease known to man kind.
I fucked two guys in one night. That was the first time every surprisingly. Now that I have my own place I wonder what guys are going to be coming in and out of it. I hope my roommate doesn't kill me. She's my best friend and also a huge slut. So Im not to worried about it. Although she has been seeing this guy. Which is amazing for her, I am so happy that she's happy. Its just weird to see. I couldn't see or date anyone if I even tried. It's not that I don't want to see or date anyone. Its just that I cant. I actually cant sit around with just one guy. I always think when a guy is trying to be nice or says the things I want to hear that its just all bullshit. I cant believe or trust anyone. Not after what Jesse put me through. I am now ruined for relationships for life. I wont be able to trust or love anyone! No guy would even want to be with me because I'm such a big slut anyways. I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. I really hope I'm not but God is watching me and he is probably so disappointed in me. God doesn't want anyone to be with me anyways.
I believe in God because my mother brought me up that way. I am christine I just don't go by the rules. When have I ever even gone by the rules.

xoxo
Dylan (your crazy slut)

Just another typical night

2011-06-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

So I must say that I am probably the biggest whore anyone could meet. I don't think I should be proud of what I do but I feel like I have accomplished something for once in my life. I have been obsessing over this guy at my work. He's a cook and only 2 years older then I. We have been flirting and giving eye contact for the past 2 months at work. Finally when we were closing the restaurant on a saturday night. The guys at my work asked me what I was doing that night. I told them I had plans with my girlfriend and two guys friends (which one of those guys I was hooking up with) to go to Seymour's. One of the cook's at my work thought it was a good idea and told me to text him how it is.
Once I pre drank at the park with my friends (I know, I felt like I was in grade 8 again). We all headed to Seymour's it was around 11:30pm once we got there. I spent $100 on jagar bombs. Which lead to me out side on the patio wasted dancing on chairs and knocking over glasses. I ran into my best friends ex boyfriend and started to flirt. I couldn't help myself. He just looked so good. He was also making the move first. When I turned my head I saw this guy I used to see. So, the slutty thing I did was grabbed my best friends ex boyfriend and started to make out with him while sitting on his lap. I could feel the guy I used to see stare and I got a little excited. I like when guys get jealous or mad or feel threatened by another guy. It makes me wet (I don't fucking care if this is to much information). I then got up and saw the guy I have been obsessing over at work, James. He was siting with some of the people we work with. I looked at him and he looked at me. He gave me a sexy smile and I knew exactly what it meant. I walked over and said hey. I sat down at the table with everyone and probably made a fool out of myself by slurring every couple of words as I talked. James would lean in and brush his hand over my thigh getting close enough to go a bit under my skirt and then full away. He was teasing me!! It made me want to grab him and shove him in a bathroom and let the sexual tension release. Well that wasn't the case. Instead my best friends ex boyfriend then kept trying to be with me the entire night. James saw and then stopped hitting on me. I then put my hand on James's thigh and leaned in to ask him to dance. He seemed surprised by my question but agreed to go inside. We got on the dance floor and of course I was dancing like a whore. I could feel his hard dick up against my ass. James and I both knew we wanted each other. It was an obvious fact. Although I must admit he was a horrible dancer and it was kind of embarrassing. I pretty much had to pull him off the dance floor so he would stop. We ended up making out and he wanted to take me home. At first I said no because I came with my friends but I ended up getting a ride back to his place.
Once I got there I made myself comfortable by taking my clothes off and just wearing a bra and panties. James roommate also one of the boys that works with us at the restaurant was face planted passed out on the couch. His mouth was wide open and I could see drool dripping from his cheek. It was gross. James and I tried to be quite but we wanted to watch a movie. Then his other roommate walked in and saw me standing with just my underwear on. He started chanting and saying. "Nice bra! wWe don't see many girls here for James." I was shocked by what he said considering I thought James was really hot and that he would be banging a lot of chicks. I didn't care either way. His other roommate who was passed out on the couch woke up and saw me. He was startled. I think it was because he was in his boxers and he looked kind of ridiculous.
James roommates are have weed plants growing in one of the rooms. So there was a shit load of weed on the coffee table by the couch. James smoked a joint with one of the guys and then we went into his room. He started kissing the back of my neck and that just did it for me. I honestly couldn't resist him. I enjoy sex to much. I do respect myself. I am not one of those lost girls who just want to be a tramp and who have daddy issues who need attention from other guys to make her self feel better. Actually that kind of sounds like me. I do have daddy issues but I don't need guys attention to make me feel better. I just love sex. Yes, I should be ashamed or feel bad about having a one night stand but I don't. It just doesn't phase me. I want to tell you that I have somewhat feelings but after Jesse and I's relationship it has ruined me to ever fall in love again. Its kind of sad, I cant even open up to guys anymore and when I watch movies and a love scene comes on it now grosses me out. I feel like its all bullshit. When they have deep conversations about their stupid emotions it is just fucking GAY.
James and I ended up having sex. I left in the morning feeling proud that I got what I wanted.

xoxo
Dylan

how it all started (part eleven)

2011-06-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

After Sasha and I's rampage in whistler. We ended up drinking at her apartment almost every night. We would invite boys over and listen to loud music. I am surprised her neighbours never came banging on her door asking for us to shut the fuck up.
After that my life started to turn out normal. If thats what you call not drinking all the time dropping out of school and getting a job. Yes I dropped out of school. I could never do it you know. Its not like I didn't like the teachers or the people in high school. Everyone is just so annoying and immature. I eventually start hating everyone. I don't find one person I even like. The girls I would hang out with would talk about the most stupidest things and acted like such fucking fags. It's so hard to explain. But common now I cant be the only one thinking this. I found everyone at my school losers. They weren't cool they didn't know what the world was like they would complain about who they hooked up with or what fucking shirt they wore to a party or about how some girl gave her a dirty stare. I'm 100% better then all of them and going to school with them just makes me look like one of them. I had to leave. I want to fucking get my own place and a job and support myself. I want to start living! I want to travel the world and explore. Do the most craziest things anyone has ever done. I don't want a boring normal life like them.
Although my life sort of became a bit normal. I got myself a job and dropped out of school. I stopped drinking as much and never did drugs. I would spend money lots of money on clothes and shoes and makeup. I was a M.A.C makeup whore. If you saw my bathroom its covered head to toe with shit load of makeup. I have to much shit to be honest to much make up to many shoes and to many clothes. I need to throw it away but honestly some shit is way to expensive for me to throw away and eventually I will wear what ever I throw away because last time I threw out of bunch of clothes I ended up actually wanting to wear them and regretting throwing it out. I don't want to seem like a hoarder or anything. I know I'm not but I kinda sound like one now. I always throw shit out don't get me wrong. But i have come to a point right now in my life were i like all my clothes but i just had so many!
I am actually starting to move out of my house and into an apartment with Sasha. Yes the part 1 -11 is finally over I have told you most my life story. Its not that interesting but I think its pretty interesting to write a blog about. The place Sasha and I are getting is actually big and there is lots of closet space!!! FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH
me need! I'm scared we are going to end up having a dirty place, that we are both going to end up being to lazy to clean anything. AHH im so excited. Oh right I forgot to tell you about my 18th birthday. I ended up going bar hoping and some how woke up at a casino. I wish I had more to tell you but I sort of blacked out.
Next week we are going to paint our apartment! Our landlord thinks we are hot and is pretty much letting us do what ever we want to the place. I am so excited. lkadsjflaksdjfklasdjfkldsajfkladsjflksajdlkfjsadlkfjaslkdfja
Thats me spazing on my keyboard.

xoxo
Dylan

Just me talking.

2011-06-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'll finish how it all started soon but I just feel like rambling about relationships/love/friendships..
Tell me girls and boys have you ever been torn between someone you love or your best friend? Have you ever gotten mad at your best friend because they ditch you to spend all their time with their boyfriend? when really your just jealous they have someone. I have been in all those positions but I have never chosen a guy over a friend. I have though been ditched for a guy or a guy splitting our friendship apart. To be honest the world is fucked up. It's cruel and it's not fair. I remember when my best friend started hating me because I hooked up with a guy she likes. Even though she was seeing someone and she pacifically told me she didn't like him. I even asked her because I told her I liked him and once I got him she ended up hating me. I don't even think thats fair because once I realized she was mad, I made no contact to him ever again. Yet she still didn't want to talk to me. Maybe I am just a bad friend or she has some issues on her own to deal with. She's a fucking bitch, she always has been. I am sad that we aren't friends anymore but I'm tired of her bullshit. She can just stick a huge pool up her ass and cry about it. Honestly.
One time me and my girlfriend we both liked the same guy. I would try to set them up because she was my best friend and I wanted her to be happy. He ended up liking me and I told him no. I said I had no feelings for him even though I did. He ended up going out with my girlfriend. I didn't like hanging out with both of them at the same time because it would irritate me. So I actually barely got to see her. She ended up spending all her time with him and completely ignored me. I try to do something nice and now look at me. I ended up pretty much loosing a fucking friend. FUCK YOU EMOTIONS.
another time my friend was dating this boy and she introduced us. We ended up becoming friends and we talked a lot. He ended up liking me. So I stopped talking to him. I shouldn't have even talked to him in the first place. He ended up telling my friend that he couldn't date her anymore because he liked me!!!! what a fucking loser. She blamed it all on me for ruining the relationship. Nothing ever turns out right for me. Its like god has it out for me. I am such a bad person I cant have friends or be with anyone. My fucking Facebook isn't even working. I sometimes feel like I should go hide in a hole and let a man find me and rescue me. So then I wont be stealing someone's guy or trying to hook the guy I like up. It would just make a lot of things easier.
I swear Im going to be alone for the rest of my life.

xoxo
Dylan

how it all started (part ten)

2011-06-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sasha and I became really close. We didn't party much together at first, instead we went shopping most of the time and sat around and watched movies while we drank wine. I think it was just us trying to relax and get over our boyfriends. Jesse never left my mind. Songs would remind me of him. Everything would remind me of him. Same with Sasha, Ben never left her mind.
Sasha eventually moved out of her parents place. She was only 18 and already moving out! I was so excited. She's my real friend to move out. I helped her move her stuff in. I pretty much lived with her. I actually stayed with her for 3 months straight. In the time of me living with her we decided to break out of the nest. Instead of moping around about our ex boyfriends we took a road trip to whistler. On the way there we listened to Taylor Swift and Swollen Members. (What a great mix of songs eh?) Once we got there we stayed at our friends Joeys place. There was 4 people living in a 3 bedroom place. It was smaller then Sasha's place and she only had a 1 bed room. We ended up getting 3 large bottles of vodka. (In Canada we call them 2/6's. I think in America you call them gallons? I don't remember.) We also got a 12 pack of beer. Only 4 of us were drinking this. It was going to be one fucked up night.
After we all got back to Joeys. We drank more then we should have. Random people came into his apartment. I made out with all of them even a lesbian and a gay guy. I ended up going to bed and the lesbian came into the room. She got on top of me and started making out with me. To be honest I didn't even care. We ended up making out and she started to finger bang me. It kinda hurt because her nails were a bit long but other then that it was all right. When I got up in the morning I smelt this weird oder. I was so hungover I fell onto the ground. As I lift myself up I realize I had no top on. I looked around for my bra and shirt. I found them by the door. While I picked my white tank top up I saw blood. I then panicked and checked my whole body to see if I was bleeding. I wasn't so I checked my underwear to see if I got my period. I didn't... WHAT THE FUCK!! I thought. Where the fuck was this blood coming from? I then found my shorts... They had blood on them also. I tried to remember what that girl and I were doing. She wasn't wearing any pants either... and she was rubbing herself on me as well. OMG SHE HAD HER PERIOD! I remember I was trying to go down on her and she kept saying no because she obviously had her period! I then got out of the room quietly and saw that her and the gay boy matt were up talking. I acted casual because I didn't want to embarrass her. I kinda felt bad. I said hello and tripped over a duffle bag. I think at that point I was still a bit drunk because I started laughing really hard. They joined in as well. We ended up talking the whole morning it was at least 8:00am by this point. I end up forgetting why I got up in the first place then I remember. SHOWER TIME!

After I took a shower I put on my panties and bra with high socks. I looked like a girl who belonged in a porno magazine. Everyone was going outside to smoke and I really wanted one so I left with just my panties bra and high socks. Sasha was laughing at me and so was joey. I could feel the girl who was a lesbian staring at me. Once we got outside Snow was everywhere and I had to admit I wasn't even cold. I just stood there like it wasn't even a big deal. People walked by and stared. Did I care nope. Oh and guess what out of all the people in whistler that I could run into while in my bra and panties. I ended up running into CHAD. Awesome, now I look like a freak. What ever, I didn't even care. Chad acted like he didn't even notice but I saw him stare.
After that smoke we got ready and headed for the village. We ended up going to white spot because they were having a good deal for pitchers. We got 6 pitchers and they were each 6$. After white spot we got a bit drunk and ended up at the Hilton hotel bar. I got 5 caesars. I was trashed at this point. Then we got more liquor from the store and went to Joeys to pre-drink. After Joeys we all ended up at Moe Joes. It was a club in the whistler village. Sasha started telling the bartender that it was my birthday. He gave me a free shot. Then Sasha and I went and sat on the bar stools. My cleavage was literally hanging out and so was hers. Sasha and I started to pretend we were lesbians. We made out and then took our tops off. We got at least 5 free shots. Guys started chanting. One guy put his had on me and Sasha started to scream at him to fuck off. We actually tried to pretend we were lesbians but it wasn't working so well. Once we left Moe Joes I blacked out and woke up in the exact same bed I woke up in the morning before. I was so hung over I couldn't even put my clothes on properly. Sasha said it was time we should head home even though it was 7am. We ended up packing our shit and headed home. Sasha had to pull over because I had to vomit. Once I vomited on the side of the highway I could feel my nose burn up. Vodka came out of my nose and mouth.. Gross. The way back home we couldn't stop laughing about the stupid shit we did and how a lesbian girl got her period blood all over my clothes. I had a lot of fun for what I could remember.

part 11 will be up tomorrow
xoxo
Dylan

How it all started (part nine)

2011-06-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

Melanie and I started to hang out pretty much every single day. She was shorter than me with short brown hair. She was thin and had olive tone skin. Her eyes were brown and she had baby doll like skin. She looked younger than her age but yet she was gorgeous. Guys adored her. I adored her as well. She knew everything about me. I told her all my secrets and she told me hers. We were partners in crime. Every party we went to people knew we would stir it up and make it more obnoxious. Melanie and I were party animals together. We got invited to all the parties and did crazy things. There was not one night I have had with Melanie that wasn't crazy. Its like we were bad influences on each other because what ever one of us wanted to do the other would agree and amp it more up. I loved being bad and so did she. It felt like the world was in our hands.
Melanie and I went to our friends birthday party. One of the guys had ecstasy on him and was handing it out to everyone. I have done coke and weed but never ecstasy. I thought why the fuck not. I took one and was waiting for it to hit. It felt like forever. So I took another one. I thought it wasn't going to do anything to me until I felt tingles go through my entire body. The music made me feel like I was making love to it. My eyes started to dance around the room looking at everyone. They all look so beautiful to me. I then started touch my legs and it sent a thrill up my arms. It felt amazing. I couldn't stop moving my hands. I then wanted to dance. I danced along with the music and it felt like my body was apart of the wind. Everything felt so much better. I was more happy then I have ever been. I completely forgot about Jesse. I was the happiest person alive. Why haven't I done this before? If it makes you feel this good why doesn't everyone do this? This is when I fell in love with ecstasy.
Melanie and I would do it every weekend. It was our life. We even left Vancouver to go stay in Sechelt for 1 week to party. We paid for a motel and went camping. One of the nights in the motel we took this pressed cap called superman. I had 4 of them and Melanie had 3. Once it hit us we were higher then I have ever been high my entire life. We sat in the motel room looking up at the ceiling seeing pictures of monsters or people. I could feel the rush in my body my eyes got blurry and I layed flat on my stomach paddling like a dog. I thought I was in a river and I had to swim my way to the other side. Melanie joined me. We started laughing and having deep conversations about the world. I couldn't even handle myself. I then got up and started walking to the far wall. I started touching it with my fingers. It felt like velvet yet it was all wood like a cabin. I then tried to get back to the bed but I saw hands coming up to grab me. It wasn't scary though I was enjoying it. I then saw a man floating on a tube. Than I saw a fairy spinning in a tea cup. I sat down on the ground groping the hands that weren't even there. I then got on the bed with Melanie and started telling her I loved her. The ecstasy or whatever was mixed in it made me love everything around me. I started waving my arms in the air and it felt amazing as if I was an angle flying. Melanie told me she loved me as well. We started saying how we were going to get married and share a man to fuck. We ended up making out then stopped because we were to high to even continue. We started talking about things then completely forgot what we were saying to each other. We were so high that we couldn't even remember what we were saying. The music that was playing off the much music channel was tripping me out. I felt like the people who were singing were talking directly to me. I didn't want this feeling to stop. I just wanted to be high all the time with Melanie. We were soul mates. As if the world was only left of her and I. I started seeing faces with big smiles dancing around. I giggled. Melanie was in her own world as well. I didn't know what she was seeing but we were both giggling and talking but yet we couldn't even remember what one another said. We kept saying to each other "what were we just talking about?" "I don't know I cant even remember."
After that Melanie and I went back to Vancouver and started hanging out with some of our guy friends. We would always go to Dustin's house to get high in his basement with his buddies since his mom never cared that we were over. Everything was better when you were high.
Near the end of the summer Melanie and I had a bad trip and Melanie almost over dosed. It was probably the scariest moment of my life. She was my soul mate my best friend. If I lost her I would have gone suicidal. That was our breaking point. Thats when it got so out of control our parents got into it and told us we couldn't see each other anymore. We had to sneak around to hang out. It was hard. So our friendship got weaker and weaker.
A couple months later after being lonely and friendless, Sasha called me. She was crying and upset about her and her boyfriend. They were dating for a year and they got into a fight. I told her to come over and she did. She dumped him and couldn't believe it was happening. This was the start of when Sasha and I started to hang out more. She was a year older then I and already graduated. I was supposed to be in grade 12 but I failed a year so I was stuck behind. She would sometimes pick me up from school or parties once she got off work and we would get stoned almost every night watching retarded movies. We would bond over everything. We had more in common then we expected. I finally felt complete now that I wasn't hanging out with Melanie as much or at all anymore. Sasha filled her spot.

Part 10 will be up later.

How it all started (part eight)

2011-06-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Jesse and I dated for 8 months. I was a walking zombie. I thought he was better then me because he made it seem that way. He would tell me I was nothing without him. I would call him a fuck up and a low life loser. He would call me a cunt and a slut. I would end up calling him ugly. We would fight all the time over stupid things and over absolutely nothing. He would get jealous and I would get jealous. I would go home crying all the time feeling the bruises on my legs arms and face. I have some battle scars that still wont go away. I was in love with a monster.
The only reason Jesse and I split was because my aunt was tired of seeing me hurt all the time. She would end up crying with me and trying to keep me away from him. She would give me activities to do like acting lessons at the Seattle Theatre. I remember getting a emotional part for the play. The girl lost her family and I ended up crying on stage when I really got into the character. People applaud at how real it seemed. When really I just thought of Jesse while I was doing the part and cried over him and not the fact that the girl lost her family. My aunt was finally done with me and knew that I would keep sneaking around to see him. So she sent me back home to Vancouver.
Once I got to the train station Jesse was there. He told me to live with him to run away with him. I wanted to so badly but then I saw the cut on his lip that I gave him the other day. Did I really want my life to be all fights. Did I want to live my life like this with a boy who can't even support himself. I gave him a kiss good bye and told him I loved him. I got on the train and Jesse started calling me over and over again. I broke my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to answer it. I cried the whole way back to Vancouver.
My dad was waiting at the train station. I was wearing a tank top because it was summer time at this point. I was only in Seattle for a year. I was now 17 and had already been in an abusive relationship. I had some cuts and bruises on my arms and chest. My dad had no idea about Jesse so I never told him. I just told him I was in a wrestling class to get some anger out. I told my dad about my broken phone. He said it was okay because I wouldn't be able to use that phone anyway since it was an american line.
I got home and saw my old bed. I actually missed it. I took a deep breather and finally felt good about everything. I felt free and more me then I ever did that year with Jesse.
After a couple weeks of being home I couldn't stop thinking about Jesse I was haunted by him in my dreams and while I was awake. Every time I would turn the corner I thought that I would see him or hear his screaming voice. I was a scared puppy dog.
I ended up getting a summer job so I could keep my mind off Jesse. I ended up working at a Clothing store south of Park Royal. My boss was nice and the job was actually kind of slack. There was only 5 of us working in the store. It was small so there was no need for more people.
One day I walked out of the store to go to the cafeteria for my lunch break. On the way to the cafeteria I herd someone calling my name. "Dylan!!! Over here!!" I turned my head and looked around I then saw a brunette girl waving her hand at me I squinted and It was Sasha. Sasha and I used to be really close. We met each other through my brother. He was dating one of her friends and Sasha and I ended up being really close with each other. I haven't seen her for almost 2 or 3 years. I walked towards her stand and saw that she was selling jewellery.
Sasha looked at my name tag and said. "So you work here now? Where? How have you been? I haven't seen you in ages!" Sasha kinda talks really fast and says a lot at once. It reminded me of our old times. I answered her questions and told her that I was living in Seattle for a while. We ended up catching up for the whole lunch break that I had and exchanged numbers. I was in need of a friend. I didn't really have any.
Once I got home I got a phone call on my cell phone. I answered and it was Melanie. She was an old friend of mine too. We used to party a lot together. She said she herd that I was back and was wondering if I wanted to go to a party with her. I told her I would love to because I really needed to get my mind off Jesse.

Part 9 will be up later.

xox
Dylan

Here is a poem I wrote for Part seven.

2011-06-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

monster

I try to run but I keep coming back
The hill is just to steep
Your haunting my vision
your even in my sleep
How can I escape this evil
Shouting words I can’t comprehend
Feels like we are in the medieval
I enrage as you take a strike, I try to defend

Monster, crude, savage, devilish, animal
this is what I’ve adapted too
I cry for help, yet I don’t want it
I’ve grown to love the monster in you

I cant survive without the hostility
I have no backbone but do I really want one?
The blood, the bruises are the pain I crave
The devil in me I can’t outrun

Smashing bottles, throwing fists, cut up lips
I won’t ever fucking leave
Until this demon accepts me
he’s disgusted by me what more can I believe

I wont ever stop loving your immortality
until you put a gun to my head
Just pull the damn trigger
I’m already dead

How it all started (part seven)

2011-06-13T16:58:00.000-07:00

The night Jesse and I kissed we started hanging out almost every single day after that. I fell in love with him. I know how I told you that he wasn't good looking and his house was disgusting but I grew to love his flaws and imperfections. I ended up seeing his imperfections as beauty. I was in love with a boy I never thought I would ever fall for my entire life. His friends were losers but I liked them. Jesse made me feel good about myself. I got a lot of shit for dating him. People would look at us funny and girls would gossip about it. I would get comments from people every now and then about how I shouldn't date him. I ignored it. I thought they were just being rude and mean. They didn't know him like I did.
After 4 months of dating he told me he loved me. I said it back. The second time I have told a guy I loved him. It was weird how you could fall in love with people. The feeling gets better each time.
One night I was at home and Jesse's friend Alec was texting me. He wasn't flirting or anything he was just wondering were Jesse was. I told him I didn't know. Jesse ended up knocking at my door. I opened the door and let him in. Jesse kissed me on the check then sat down on the family couch. No one was home because my aunt had a night shift at the hospital as a nurse. My ex Garrett started to call my cell phone. I then felt uncomfortable and could feel my cheeks burning up. Its been so long since I've last talked to him. Jesse looked at the phone and then looked at me. He then gave me a confused look.
"Why don't you answer it Dylan?" He seemed a bit conflicted by the way I was acting. I ended up answering the phone.
"Dylan? Are you there?" I herd Garrett's voice on the other end of the line. I quickly said I would call him back and hung up. I don't know why I was acting so weird. I was into Jesse and I completely forgot about Garrett back in Vancouver.
Jesse got up and started asking me questions. I told him Garrett is my ex and I haven't talked to him in awhile and that we left things a bit messy. I could see Jesse's anger. Why was he mad? Why was he giving me that horrible look? All the sudden I herd Jesse screaming. I couldn't remember what he was saying but he pushed me down on the couch. What the fuck was going on? Why was he doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong. I then started raising my voice back at him telling him to calm down. He started swearing at me then I started swearing back. Was this a fight? Why are we fighting? He then grabbed me and pushed me to the ground. He started to choke me and was calling me dirty names. He said I was lying to him. What was I lying about? I then kicked him while he was on top of me so I could get free. I ran to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I told him to stay away and fuck off and to get the fuck out of my house. He then had a sad face on. He told me to put down the knife and that he was sorry he reacted so weird. I then put down the knife because I somehow forgave him. There was something about him that I just couldn't let go of. I didn't even want him to leave when I was yelling at him too. I wanted to be with him and I had no idea why. This should be a sign for an unhealthy relationship. I put down the knife then he came charging at me and pushed me over the kitchen table I hit my head on one of the wooden legs as I fell to the ground. I got on my knees and put my right hand over my head. I could feel the blood between my fingers. It was all a blur I didn't know what I did to deserve this. I got up and charged at him. I rolled my hand into a ball and took a swing at his face. I hit him hard he then yelled at me. "You stupid bitch." He took a swing a me. It hit my left eye. He had a good hit as if he has hit someone many of times before. I gave up and cried. He was much stronger then me. I ran for my room and locked it. He started banging on the door. He finally left. I cried all night waiting for my aunt to come home.
Once my aunt got home I cleaned the blood up off the ground and table. I had a shower so the blood would rinse out of my hair. I was in a robe when I opened the door for her. She looked at my eye and it had gotten dark around the edges. It was turning into a huge bruise. I lied to her and told her that I was going for a run and fell over some rocks. Why was I covering for him? I guess I was just embarrassed at the whole situation.
The next day Jesse sent me a text. It said. "Dylan can we talk?" I was so angry. What nerve does this asshole have to fucking hit a girl around and fucking text her the next day thinking that I would let him talk to me. I sent him a text saying. "Come over." I had this whole speech ready for him. I was pacing back and forth ready to give him a peace of my mind. Then I herd the door rang. All the sudden I was scared. What the fuck was I thinking when I told him to come over! I'm such a fucking idiot. I opened that door and there he was. I wanted to hug him. He looked so sad. I pulled him inside. He started telling me he was sorry and how he over reacted and that he didn't know what got into him. I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go. I didn't want to break up with him. I wanted to be with him. There was something about him that I wanted. I wanted to be apart of his world. We kissed and had the best make up sex ever.
As our relationship went on I wish I could say the fighting stopped but it didn't. It was a viscous cycle. He would make me feel worthless and ugly. Like I wasn't good enough for him. He made me weak and vulnerable. I felt like I was nothing without him. He was manipulative and a lier. I lost who I was. The fighting got worse and my aunt started to notice the bruises and scratches when I would come home. She told me to stay away from him and that he wasn't aloud anywhere near the house. I never stayed away I would either sneak out or go hang out with him when she was at work.
I didn't know how to leave the relationship. I wanted to but then I didn't. I knew he loved me. Our relationship was just fucked up. The songs 'I love the way you lie' Part 1 and 2 remind me of Jesse and I. I defiantly relate to it. Every word Eminem and Rihanna are saying describes Jesse and I's relationship.

Part 8 will be up later. Note everything in this blog is real.
xox
Dylan

How it all started (part six)

2011-06-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

When I went to the lake with Jesse and Alec I actually had fun. I never thought that I would enjoy Jesse's company. He was outgoing, weird and loud. His baby brother, mom and step-dad were at the lake as well. He seemed really close with his family. I guess I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Jesse didn't have a care in the world. It was like he was in his own world and who was ever judging him, he didn't care one bit. I remember while we were driving back from the lake to his place a song came on, I cant remember what it was called, he started dancing in the car like some freak. His hands were in the air and he was singing along with the lyrics. I couldn't help but laugh. Alec was laughing as well. This didn't mean I liked Jesse in that way. Yeah he was funny, had all the confidence in the world but he was also kind of a loser. I never thought in my entire life through high school that I would hang out with someone so different. He wasn't those dreamy boys you would want driving you around in his car. His friend Alec wasn't attractive either. Alec didn't have a jaw line which made his face blend into his neck. Alec was tall and skinny. His arms would hang down really low. I shouldn't be judging but this was not my kind of crowd at all.
Once we got to Jesse's place. I felt kind of out of place. His house was in a trashy area. There was garbage everywhere and it was kind of like a trailer park home. Once we got in side I was repulsed by it. The kitchen was as small as a bathroom. Dirty dishes were pilled in the sink. Microwaved dinners were left on the counter tops. The stove looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years. I looked down on the ground and there was dirt everywhere. Black ash almost filled the entire carpet. So the smoked in the house, haven't they herd of an ash tray? The walls were thin and had random holes everywhere. Where the fuck was I? Once I walked into his room I couldn't step anywhere. Clothes, dirty dishes, garbage and pop cans were all over the ground and desk. It was like an episode of the hoarders. I felt dirty and disgusted just being in side the small house. I looked at his bed and it didn't even have a sheet on it. It was a dirty mattress with a blanket and a pillow. I looked at Jesse and he looked very uncomfortable and embarrassed.
"I'm really sorry you have to see this." Jesse said nervously as he scratched the back of his head.
"It's okay. Nothing to be ashamed about." I lied trying to be nice. I felt bad for him. This was the first time he didn't seem so confident. I couldn't understand how someone like him be so confident when he had absolutely nothing. I then thought to myself. 'I am never coming back here again.'
Once I got home Jesse texted me. It said. "I would really like to be your friend." I felt bad for his living conditions it made me want to call a home inspector and fix what I just saw. I wouldn't do that because I don't know anything about the family. I can't just judge him and his home if I have no idea whats going on in that house.
I texted him back saying "Yeah I'd like that." I didn't really ever want to hang out with him again because I was repulsed by him. His personality was great. It was just his looks and his house I was disgusted by.
Jesse started texting me a lot asking me bunch of questions about myself. I answered them all because he never asked any real personal questions which is a good thing because I wouldn't have answered. Sometimes when I didn't reply or reply fast enough. He'd get frustrated. I couldn't quite understand his personality. It was confusing but I didn't want to be rude to the poor boy. I felt so bad for him.
One night Jesse asked me if I wanted to go to a party with him and his friends. I said yes because I wanted to meet more people. Jesse introduced me to everyone and people kind of stared at me like I didn't belong hanging out with him. I ran into a girl named Hannah. She looked at me then looked at Jesse. She seemed confused. I asked her "Is something wrong?" She then pulled me away and whispered. "Are you dating Jesse?" I then laughed. "Pfft no? Why on earth would you think that?" She then looked relieved and laughed along. "Your just way out of his league. I thought some miracle happened and a girl like you decided to date a guy like him." I looked at her as if it was rude she said that. I felt so bad I even laughed. Jesse was such a funny and nice guy. How could anyone be so fucking rude. I then pulled back hearing myself in my head. What the fuck was I thinking? Why am I getting so defensive over it. I looked at Hannah she was beautiful. Long blonde hair with really dark skin. She was kind of on the chunky side but she was still pretty.
Jesse and I started playing a drinking game and people joined us. He was loud and humorous the guys seemed to love him and some girls were into him. They weren't pretty girls but he got attention from the okay looking girls. Everyone loved him. I was drunk and I kinda got into it. Despite his looks he was a great guy. Which started to make me think he was okay looking after all. A lot of the guys at the party were giving me attention but I didn't even seem to care for it. This guy named Tanner was tall, big built, brown hair and grey eyes. He was handsome and he was talking to me but I kept looking back at Jesse. Who was making the room laugh up about some stupid thing he was talking about. I shook my head thinking this was ridiculous. The states were making me think guys like Jesse were okay to hook up with. Out of all the guys I have hooked up with not one of them has been even as close to looking as bad as Jesse. What the fuck was going on!? I then went outside so I could let my head think clear and make the booze settle in my stomach. Jesse followed me.
"Why are you out here?" His voice sounded sexy. I wasn't looking at him but his voice made me melt. It was the booze it had to be the booze. Tomorrow morning I would regret it if I ever kissed him.
"Just needed some fresh air." I sat down on the footsteps to the front entrance of the house. He sat down beside me.
"You're beautiful Dylan. I just thought I'd let you know that." He sat his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. He brushed his hands threw his buzzed cut hair and then smiled at me.
I did it. I leaned in and kissed him. His hands grabbed my face and started kissing me harder. I started getting hot. I kissed him harder back and let me fingers trail down his neck. We both pulled away. I looked the other direction and he was speechless. The kiss was even hotter then I expected it to be. Why was I so attracted to him all the sudden. What was it about him that I liked so much.
"I wasn't expecting that." He breathed.
"Me either." I said quietly .

Part 7 will be up later.

How it all started (part five)

2011-06-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

It didn't take me long to pack all my belongings for Seattle. I just took the things I needed. Garrett picked me up to take me to the train station. The ride there was horrible. He kept trying to talk me out of moving to Seattle. He kept trying to change my mind about us. I couldn't. There was no us anymore. I felt nothing for him. That doesn't mean I didn't care about him. He was the first guy that made me change my ways for a while. I was a better person with him but then again I wasn't myself. I never thought it was going to end this way. My feelings were all over the place I didn't know what to feel about anything. All I was thinking about was Chelsea and how I missed her. She was my best friend and now she's gone. It didn't feel real but it was.
Once Garrett and I got to the train station he wrapped his arms around me for ten minutes not letting go. I felt him kiss me on my forehead. I squeezed him tighter. As he let go he smiled and said "Don't get into to much trouble." I gave a weak laugh feeling my eyes beginning to tear up. "I will be back one day." As a tear left my right eye. He stepped forward brushing the tear away with his thumb. I looked into his blue eyes and could feel my heart beat beating faster. I guess I did still love him. He kissed me gently on the lips then stepped back as if it had hurt him to kiss me. "I will be hear waiting for you." He said as he tucked his hands into his jeans front pockets.
My aunt Lindsey was waiting for me already with open arms. She was probably the nicest aunt anyone could have. She knows everything about me and she doesn't approve of most the things I do but she loves me more then ever. I remind her of my mother which is her sister. I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been for her to loose her two older sisters over cancer. I don't know what I would do if I lost my brother. He was a part of me. He could do anything in the world to try and make me hate him but I never will.
Living with my aunt was a huge change. I started doing online school because the schools weren't accepting anyone in this late in the year. I knew absolutely no one. How the fuck was I supposed to make friends when I couldn't attend a school and had to do online. Thankfully my neighbour was a guy a year older then me and he was having a party. He was kind of a dork. I always thought he was gay but he ended up having a new girlfriend every month or week. Maybe he did it to cover up that he was gay? I have no idea. When I got to the party I felt so alone. I only knew him. I never felt more out of place in my entire life. American teens were so different then Canadian teens. Canadian teens knew how to party. American teens were kind of less wild and more drama. Its like I was in an episode of the OC marathon.
I had a few drinks and loosened up. This girl Margot came up beside me and asked me a lot of questions. Apparently I have an accent so she says. I couldn't tell the difference.
I then herd a guy screaming from behind me. High fiving every one of his buddies. He looked like such a loser. I stared at him trying to see why his friends were looking up to him so much. He had a buzz cut and he bad complexion. His eyes were brown and his teeth were small with big gums. I thought to myself 'gross'. I turned around thinking that the states was a hell of a lot different then it was in Canada. There is 10x better looking people where I came from then there was here.
The guys seemed fond of this loser screaming and bobbing his head everywhere. He was loud and obnoxious. It was hurting my head. I went to the back yard were the pool was. People were jumping in the pool naked and some girl was vomiting in a bush. I guess they did know how to party. The people inside were boring me. I grabbed my last Belmont cigarette from my pack. My lighter ran out of fluid. FUCK. I looked around to see if anyone was smoking. Then all the sudden the ugly annoying douche bag came out and light my smoke. I said thanks. He stared at me and I stared back. He smiled and his teeth grossed me out. They were so small. I gave him a nod and looked the other way.
"How come I haven't seen you around here before?" He said nicely.
"I just moved here from Vancouver." I said briefly still looking the other way. I took a drag from my cigarette. God I loved Belmont's. To bad they are a Canadian brand which the states doesn't sell.
"I'm Jesse." He said with a grin on his face and his hand right hand out to shake. I didn't mind him because there was something about his voice that seemed very inviting. I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm Dylan." I shook his hand.
"Dylan? Isn't that a boys name?" He laughed. I laughed too.
"My mom really liked the name. I'm guessing they were expecting a boy and didn't even think of having a girl name prepared." He laughed harder as if what I said was really funny when I knew it wasn't.
Jesse and I ended up talking for a while about random things. He was humorous and outgoing. I could see why his friends loved him so much. He was like the class clown. He also had a lot of confidence for someone who wasn't even good looking. I could tell he was flirting with me. I didn't mind. I was used to guys flirting with me. There was something though that was different about the way he talked to me. I couldn't stop laughing at his stupid jokes and his odd humour. My neighbour Brayden walked up and put his arm around me. Making me feel very uncomfortable. Jesse looked at Brayden. Brayden smiled.
"So your making some friends now Dylan?" I looked at Brayden and assumed his arm around me was just a friendly arm. I kinda was tipsy and stumbled a bit.
"Your friend Jesse is hilarious." I laughed acting a bit drunk. Brayden looked at me.
"I think you've had to many drinks." I could hear his voice ringing in my ear. I felt woozy and my head was starting to get the spins. I didn't care. It was keeping my mind off Garrett and Chelsea. Since I have moved here I have been moping around my aunts place for to long. I wanted another drink. I didn't grab another one though. I listened to Brayden. Then I looked at his pool. I started to undress myself. I was soon in just my panties and bra. I could feel eyes all staring at me. Guys were whistling and chanting. I then jumped into the pool. Brayden jumped in after me and we started splashing each other laughing. I haven't had this much fun since I was with Chelsea.
I got out of the pool grabbed my clothes and started to walk out. I didn't want to be there anymore. My drunk feelings were getting to me. I started to cry as I walked into my aunts place. My aunt came rushing to me. Grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my body. She rubbed my back to sleep that night as I laid in my bed crying.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to accept the fact that Chelsea is gone.
A week later there was a knock at the door. My aunt wasn't home because she was at work. I was feeling good because My hair was nicely straightened and I have gotten a bit of a glow from tanning outside. Summer was finally here. I had ripped jean shorts that were by Celvin Klein. My white tank showed a bit of my cleavage. I opened the door and it was Jesse.
"Hey, What are you doing here?" I said politely. I really hope he wasn't going to ask me to come hang out with him. He's not my type and he doesn't have the looks. I am shallow I can't deny that.
"Want to go to the lake with Alec and I?" He had a turquoise t-shirt and white swim shorts on. He had gotten a bit of a tan since I last saw him. I scratched my head and looked around.
"Sure, Just let me go grab my stuff and I'll be right out." I turned around and headed for my room. I quickly put on my black bikini and threw over a cover up. I left my aunt a voicemail saying I went to the lake with my neighbours and his friends. She wouldn't have wanted me to go with some boy I just met at my neighbours. She always like meeting the person first before I go hang out with them. She's kind of strict that way. I wasn't used to it but it was her house and I'm not going to disobey her rules because I didn't want to go back to Vancouver. Well, I might bend them a bit.

...Part 6 will be up later. I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. there will probably be like 100 parts of how it all started to get caught up to what I am doing now. But I will try and shorten it as much as I can.
xox
Dylan

How it all started (part four)

2011-06-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

Garrett made me a better person. I stopped swearing as much. He didn't like it when I said 'fuck' all the time. I wore less revealing clothes and I stopped wearing eyeliner. My grades were picking up because he was actually pretty smart and would help me with my homework. Sex with him was amazing.
Garrett and I have been dating for about 9 months at this point. I became friends with this girl from work named Chelsea. Chelsea had long dirty blonde hair. Freckles that went across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes were green and she had an amazing body. I was defiantly intimidated by her. We started hanging out a lot and she would pick me up in her black jetta. One night when we planned on going out to her friends party I sat in the passenger seat and their was white powder dusted on the dashboard. Her eyes were glossy and her pupils were big. She smiled at me "I got some coke. Want a line?" I was about to say no but I couldn't help but wonder what coke was like to be on. I looked at the dashboard then I looked at her. She was gorgeous. I then giggled and said "Lets do it." She pulled out the bag of coke and poured some on the dashboard. She rolled up a 10 dollar bill and separated the coke into lines with her credit card. I snorted a fair size line from my right nostril. It took 10 seconds for it to hit me. I felt awake and couldn't shut up. I kept talking about anything and everything. Chelsea and I started to have the best conversation. I felt good and more alive. I wanted more. So I had another line. The music in her car sounded better. It felt amazing. My jaw was clenched and I couldn't feel my nostril. I felt numb. Chelsea smiled at me "Rub some on your gums and teeth." I did what she said and I then couldn't feel my mouth. I smiled in pleasure. How come I have never done this before? I wasn't even thinking about what Garrett would think of me. All I was thinking about was how I wanted more.

Chelsea and I just ended up getting high the entire time at the party. So was everyone else. It felt like such a good atmosphere. Everyone was having engaging conversations. I was happy and interested in what everyone was saying. I didn't want the high to end.
After that weekend Chelsea and I got high almost every weekend. I tried to keep it from Garrett but eventually he found out. I was at home doing some lines with Chelsea when Garrett walked in. He wanted to see me before he had to go to his game. Garrett's face scared me. He then started screaming at me. I had nothing to say because what was I supposed to say. That I was sorry? I couldn't say that. People always say sorry when they get caught doing something bad even though they don't really mean it because if you didn't catch them in the first place they would have ever told you or have said sorry. Garrett walked out and I ran after him.
He looked at me and said "I fucking love you and you go do this shit to yourself. Do I not make you happy? Why the fuck are doing coke Dylan?!?!" I gave him a hug. He hugged me back. We loved each other. I looked up at him and I saw a tear, for the first time in our whole relationship, leave his eye. "Promise me you'll stop. I wont be able to be with you if you keep doing this shit." he whispered. I gave him a kiss. "It's going to be hard but I will for you." He smiled and left. I knew he loved me and that he wouldn't leave me over such a silly thing. I went back into the house and I did another line. I told myself I was going to stop after that night. That it was my last night of getting high.
I actually stopped but Chelsea and I were still close. I just told her I couldn't get high with her anymore because I didn't want to upset Garrett. She understood. She was my best friend at the time. I loved her. We were so in sync and fucked up in the head that we understood each other better then anyone has ever understood us before.
Garrett and I were watching Pirates and the Caribbean together one night when I got a phone call. It was Lionsgate hospital. Listening to the voice on the other end tears fled to my eyes. Chelsea had overdosed on oxy cotton. Have you been so upset before that you couldn't breath? Like there was something blocking your lungs to catch air. My head started to hurt, my stomach started to twist. I couldn't talk or breath. I was speechless. It was her mother on the other end of the phone. Her voice was weak and it was all mumbles but I got what she was saying. Garrett took the phone and started asking questions because I wasn't talking. I couldn't. I had no idea how to feel. God kept taking away all the people I loved. My mom, my aunt and now my best friend. Why did God hate me so much. Was I really that bad of a person that I had to have all these terrible things happen to me.
Garrett held me for 2 hours while I cried non stop. He dropped me off at home and asked me if he wanted me for him to stay the night. I shook my head. I sat in my bedroom for 2 weeks. I didn't see anyone not even Garrett. He left a million voice mails. He tried walking in but my dad told him to just leave me alone for a while and that I needed space. I was a zombie. I couldn't smile nor could I move. I was in this cycle of depression that just kept getting worse and worse. I finally lost my mind and started screaming. I ripped a bunch of my clothes smashed my mirror and start throwing shit around. My dad didn't even bother to stop me. He knew that I would do this because it always happens with me. Whenever I'm really upset I loose my mind.
I started taking anti-depressants. They didn't work. I didn't want to go to school. I just didn't want to see anyone. Garrett kept sending me texts saying. "Just because your upset right now doesn't mean you need to cut me out of your life. I want to be there for you. Its been about a month and you still haven't returned my calls. I think its about time you start talking to me. I love you Garrett." I read it over and over again. I couldn't feel anything for him. I looked down at my promise ring and couldn't feel the butterflies I would get. Or how my heart would race. I finally called him.
"Finally you called! I miss you so much Dylan." He said.
"Can you come over?" I said in a weak voice.
Garrett walked into my room and sat beside me on my bed. I thought that maybe if I saw him I would feel the rush I always get. I would feel safe and a bit better that he was beside me. I felt nothing. I kissed him and there was nothing. I couldn't understand what was going on. I then took off my ring and put it in his hand. He looked at me confused.
"What are you doing?"
"I am giving you back the promise ring. I can't do this anymore. I think I just need to be alone."
Garrett tried to convince me that it was just that pain I was feeling from loosing my best friend and that everything will go back to normal soon. He left confused and sad.
I couldn't stand Vancouver anymore. I had to get out. I had to start somewhere fresh. I didn't want to be here anymore. I called my aunt (Lindsey) who lived in Seattle. I asked her if I could stay with her. She was so pleased to hear from me and that she would be glad to have me.
Seattle here I come.

..Part 5 will be up later. I hope my life story helps others. There is still so much more to tell.
xox
Dylan