Being Wonder Woman

A View of the Ocean

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Apr 2017 16:13:00 +0000

I’ve always enjoyed gazing out at the ocean and feeling a sense of peace...doesn’t everyone? The warm sand on my feet, the relaxing sound of the water flowing in and out, in and out. No wonder there are thousands of paintings, songs and poems about the ocean. What’s not to love?

I started to reflect on why a view of the ocean provides such a peaceful perspective. I used to think it came from the ebb and flow’s literal representation of impermanence; a multi-sensory reminder that the life keeps moving and the world is ever-evolving, one tide at a time. Or perhaps it's due to the horizon-wide expansive view that reminds me that I’m only a small part of a much bigger world.

But that view doesn’t include the waves.Those damn waves. I’m not a surfer and only an adequate swimmer so large breaking waves, coupled with a strong undertow, is a recipe for anxiety for me. Wouldn’t it be so much more peaceful if there were no waves? Why do the waves have to ruin the serenity of the scene!

As I thought about what draws me to the ocean, I realized it’s the whole scene together: one gigantic, crashing, flowing, dynamic portrait of life. I’ve had my fair share of monster waves that have come crashing down and left me gasping for air. I loathe the feeling of panic when I’m frantically trying to push back to the surface for air. Half of the time I’m wondering how I didn’t see the wave coming in the first place! In particular, I really resent when waves break right in a row, leaving barely enough time to catch a breath in between.

Yet each time, I optimistically pull myself back up to try and judge the next wave to successfully dodge the onslaught of upcoming crashes. But that’s the trick, isn’t it? Learning and growing; becoming a better judge of how the waves break, which ones to gracefully float over and which to gleefully splash through.

It takes practice to learn how to most efficiently get back to the surface to catch your breathe when you’ve misjudged a wave that has sent you crashing under. But the beautiful thing is, when you resurface, you never find yourself in the same spot where you were before, you always land somewhere new. Always a new starting point, always another chance.

Perhaps one of the most important parts of the experience is knowing when you need a rest. When it’s time to head back to your beach chair and simply watch the ebb and flow of the tide.

How I love sitting in my beach chair, watching the ebb and flow, so peaceful and calm, ebb and flow. I’m tempted to stay in my safe chair, wrapped in a warm, sun-soaked beach blanket. But...I can’t be one of those people who merely observes the ebb and flow of life pass by. Getting back into the wild ocean of life is the only way to experience the joy of splashing through waves and share the thrill of jumping over waves with loved ones. It’s the only way to truly know the uplifting feeling of floating over a big wave and the sense of accomplishment when you are safely delivered to the other side.

I could go on and on with the ocean metaphor, and tell you how, for me, it applies to parenting, friendship, dating, and career. The truth is, the ocean is so universally appealing because it is what you make of it. For me, it's brilliance is in the unfolding of challenges and responding resilience, a constantly changing landscape of joy and fear. It isn’t always safe, and it's never predictable, but with keen observation, learning and experience, I’ve become a better judge of the waves and what it takes to recover from the misjudged, unforeseen and sometimes mighty crashes.

Surviving the Tornado

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 18:20:00 +0000

I posted the thoughts below on June 28 of last year wondering how I would start being myself. I haven’t been able to post much since because a series of dominos fell creating what was the wildest ride of my life.

I can’t say enough about how valuable the EMDR trauma therapy has been. As painful, and I mean capital “P” painful, that it was, it brought everything to the surface and cleared up crossed connections, misconceptions, mixed signals and misunderstandings until I could see the truth of the major painful experiences in my life. As a result I have a more honest and healthier relationship with my mother and cleared out many misconceptions about my relationship with my father. I even understand why I chose the marry the person that I did, why it didn’t work out and why his choices were never a reflection of who I was or am.

But with all of that, I still had the same reoccurring nightmares - a tornado hits and I’m scrambling to find shelter and protect my loved ones, praying that it passes by and we survive. My anxiety was still going strong and I couldn’t use my voice above a squeak because the fear that I was unlovable was still so strong.

How could that be after all of this time?

After circling around on one central theme in the therapy, I finally admitted what I’d never said out loud to anyone and as a consequence, resurfaced a repressed memory from childhood. As I’m not comfortable publicly discussing it in more depth, I will just say that what happened was not horrific but it was damaging. From an experience that took place 30 years ago, I created the storyline that I was broken, unlovable, fundamentally flawed in a way that no one could ever like if they really knew me. I isolated myself from friends, always felt on the outside. I felt unsafe and my anxiety spiked. Nervous stomach aches started and I started biting my fingers and both continued for the next 30 years.

Processing the memory was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At first I was overwhelmed at the extent of my “brokeness” - and then I started seeing the extent of my strength. All of those years I carried myself through, with protection mechanisms and a life drive to not only survive but to grow and live fully, even with a weight that felt like a thousand pounds sitting on my chest, suffocating me all of the time.

Once the memory was put into the past, the weight on my chest dissipated and I took my first deep breath. I didn’t know people could breathe like this, now I understand why everyone else doesn’t feel panicky all of the time - it is amazing being able to take so much oxygen in and breath so, so deeply. Everyday I pause and take a few deep breaths just to make sure that I still can.

It’s been about a month of breathing now. And I have more energy, I need less sleep. The anxiety is still there and the old story lines are still in place but I’m able to view them through new eyes. Instead of them running me, I know they are merely my “flavor of shame”.

When I sat down to blog today, I wasn’t sure where to start, until I read that entry from June 28. I couldn’t figure out how to ‘start being me’ - because I still hadn’t gotten to the core of who I was/am.

The thing about removing all of the layers of bad signals and misconceptions a painful experiences is that you end at your soul. Right at the center of who you are. And when you are living so close to your soul, you don’t have to try to show people who you are, it just shines through all on its own.

I’m still finding the balance between new energy and rest, between optimism and old stories...but I can tell you this: I only had the tornado nightmare once in the last four months since the memory surfaced, and this time, I huddled with my dog and daughter and found layers and layers of blankets to wrap us in, so that when the tornado hit, I knew we were going to be ok.

June 28, 2016:

“Last night I shared a delicious dinner with a close friend who the universe seems to bring into my life at pivotal points and who helps me identify and take the next steps forward along my path.

Last night we talked about the pain of what was uncovered in trauma therapy and how at first it suffocated me like an unmovable weight, a shame I was too scared to share with anyone. And then eventually the past experiences began to feel empowering; I saw I wasn't broken because of things that happened my past, I was strong despite these events.

Now I'm learning to find my voice and use it when I need to speak up about my thoughts or feelings. But my voice is still shy and timing, for fear that if I use it, I might be rejected or left. That if I actually let go and am just be myself, I may look around to find that no one is left standing with me.

He encouragingly told me that one of the most important, if not the singular most important thing to a child is a feeling of safety and acceptance. I've never felt safe, I have routine nightmares that linger as a result. He told me it was safe to let go and safe to be myself. Safe to shed the 'shoulds' and stop holding everything inside for fear of what the outside world might think of they knew what was underneath.

But the thing is, I don't even know how to start. How do you start being yourself? How do you get your verbal words and physical actions to align with your true feelings on the inside? The truth of who I am gets distorted as it tries to make its way out into the world. It is incredibly hard to just live as you, without twisting yourself into a pretzel, trying to create some version of your truth that is perceived as more acceptable.

The thing about twisting yourself into a pretzel too much is that eventually you snap. It adds resistance and difficulty to every day life. Imagine the freedom that must come with letting go and letting it flow. Not spending energy on worrying what people will think or how it will land. Letting go of the pursuit of perfection and letting flow the pursuit of being yourself.

Living self-care, empathy, connectedness, vulnerability, and authenticity in each moment is the only healthy way to move forward, but it takes a lot of effort to learn how to put down the weight of expectations, perfection, acceptance, and fear of not being good enough.“

4 Ways My Daughter Makes Me a Better Person

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 13:42:00 +0000

Check out this article on The Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenn-lyons/four-ways-my-daughter-mak_b_11297196.html?

Stop Scoring and Start Solving

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 20:52:00 +0000

My dad once told me that it would take 100 first dates to find one good guy. That was 5 years and about 100 first dates ago. And I still haven't found one person who is a fit for me.

The question should not be 'Does he like me?' but instead to ask yourself 'Can this person meet my needs?' So you first need to be clear on what your needs are. I've spent a lot of time convincing myself 'I could do without this' or 'It isn't THAT important' - but the truth is, your needs are your needs and they are all viable.

My relationship needs include consistency between actions and words, consistent communication, openness, intellectual stimulation, kindness (toward myself and others) and understanding.

During my five year, 100 date sprint, I've met many who could meet some needs but not others:

I've met far too many Avoidant Attachment Types (if you haven't, it's time to read up on Attachment Types - it is must-read material for all relationships!) These types of guys do a great job of pulling you in, only to do a 180 when things start to require any type of effort or emotional connection from their side. They are, literally, relationship Avoidant. The biggest giveaway is inconsistency. They may communicate a lot and then none at all. Want to hang out a lot and then be busy. They don't want you infringing on their freedom so as soon as you get too close, they will push you away. This inconsistent experience is crazy-making for me (and most others!)
Many genuinely Nice Guys. Guys who clearly could meet my relationship needs. However they weren't particularly intellectually stimulating. There was no banter, no humor. I wanted to like them purely for their niceness but I would find myself daydreaming about being home rather than continuing the present conversation.
My weak spot is for Intellectuals. They are very mentally stimulating, its a great workout for the brain. They are usually very open, often intuitive and understanding. However, the ones that I have dated have all been consistently unreliable! They drop in and drop off when it is convenient. They are consumed with what they are doing and not considerate of my time and needs. I end up feeling taken for granted and they end up baffled why it isn't ok just to get in touch or hang out when it's convenient...even if that means days or a week go by with no contact!

The only trend I've seen is that the more I'm able to both define and articulate my relationship needs, I meet more and better people who have more potential for the long term. Sometimes a date appears ok at first but I can quickly let him go now that I can express what I need and find out if he is able or unable to meet it.

Many people talk about what is right or wrong with another person but I've come to see it more as a give and take. I have certain needs and someone may be a fit for these. But there are many guys I could never date, but they may fit another girl's needs. It isn't so much a scoring system of dates' personalities as a puzzle that can only be solved by finding the piece that fits the right away.

Learning to Let Go

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 28 Jun 2016 16:08:00 +0000

Last night I shared a delicious dinner with a close friend who the universe seems to bring into my life at pivotal points and who helps me identify and take the next steps forward along my path.

Last night we talked about the pain of what was uncovered in trauma therapy and how at first it suffocated me like an unmovable weight, a shame I was too scared to share with anyone. And then eventually the past experiences began to feel empowering; I saw I wasn't broken because of things that happened my past, I was strong despite these events.

Now I'm learning to find my voice and use it when I need to speak up about my thoughts or feelings. But my voice is still shy and timing, for fear that if I use it, I might be rejected or left. That if I actually let go and am just be myself, I may look around to find that no one is left standing with me.

He encouragingly told me that one of the most important, if not the singular most important thing to a child is a feeling of safety and acceptance. I've never felt safe, I have routine nightmares that linger as a result. He told me it was safe to let go and safe to be myself. Safe to shed the 'shoulds' and stop holding everything inside for fear of what the outside world might think of they knew what was underneath.

But the thing is, I don't even know how to start. How do you start being yourself? How do you get your verbal words and physical actions to align with your true feelings on the inside? The truth of who I am gets distorted as it tries to make its way out into the world. It is incredibly hard to just live as you, without twisting yourself into a pretzel, trying to create some version of your truth that is perceived as more acceptable.

The thing about twisting yourself into a pretzel too much is that eventually you snap. It adds resistance and difficulty to every day life. Imagine the freedom that must come with letting go and letting it flow. Not spending energy on worrying what people will think or how it will land. Letting go of the pursuit of perfection and letting flow the pursuit of being yourself.

Living self-care, empathy, connectedness, vulnerability, and authenticity in each moment is the only healthy way to move forward, but it takes a lot of effort to learn how to put down the weight of expectations, perfection, acceptance, and fear of not being good enough.

The Reality of Being the Odd Mom Out

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 20:02:00 +0000

I adore the show, “Odd Mom Out” for its cunning wit and sharp sarcasm in the depiction of the relatable feeling of not fitting into the phenomenon known as a ‘mom group’. The show focuses on microcosm of a group of wealth moms from the Upper East Side who mostly have the same environmental variables. The hilarious difference is in the moral grounding of the main character, Jill Weber, that leads to conflicting parenting priorities as compared to her head-in-the-clouds socialite family and extended circle of friends.

However, despite the hilarity of the high-pressure parenting expectations of New York’s social elite,

many single moms experience the true reality of feeling like the odd mom out on a daily basis. Single, working moms are the minority, usually not heard from because we are too busy trying to keep our kids, career and home afloat without missing a beat. We are underrepresented and inaccurately portrayed on television; I’ve never met a single mom as relaxed as Lorelai on the “Gilmore Girls” and there are few, if any, other referenceable examples of starring solo mom roles.

Unlike on television, in real life single moms set our own expectations that we need to fill the rolls of both mom and dad, resulting in a self-imposed a bar requiring 200% effort at all times so our children will be minimally impacted by a two-household lifestyle.

I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was an infant and I’ve spent the last five years feeling like the odd mom out. At first, the feeling of being the odd mom out manifested itself at birthday parties, where I was the only single parent (I don’t know where the 50% divorce rate statistic exists, but it is not in the Pre-K set). I thought the other moms assumed something must be wrong with me that I didn’t have a husband in tow. Or worse, if my daughter got a ‘boo boo’, I was terrified of being judged for not successfully preventing every possible scrape or bruise. So I kept to myself in a nice cozy corner and spent the time mindfully examining my piece of birthday cake as if I were a pastry-obsessed Sherlock Holmes.

During the course of raising a five-year-old, many special occasions have presented an opportunity to do cutesy things for holidays, teacher recognition, birthdays, etc. Pinterest has provided a platform for resourceful DIY moms to construct adorably creative crafts, gifts and accessories for all occasions. If I had a dollar for every time someone said “you should check this out on Pinterest”, I would have enough for my daughter’s college tuition! Despite my lack of culinary expertise, I once attempted to make “easy pizza twists” which turned out looking like a volcano had melted down on my stove top. Being craft-challenged and time-restricted, every birthday in my house has been filled with store-bought goody bags and each teacher appreciation event has been accompanied with a gift card; and I have a Pavlovian-level cringe response every time I hear the word Pinterest.

The one thing single moms have is time to themselves. Many married moms tell me are jealous that I have ‘time to myself’, but I’m sure if they had legally obligated time away from their children, they would not covet this ‘free time’. Either way, I made single friends who like to go out, see some concerts, and check out new hot spots. But I quickly learned that singles go out on a whim, and many nights I had my daughter and couldn’t drop everything to hit up the cool event that evening. I enjoyed single-life gossiping about dating successes and hilarious failures but my stories were also peppered with the saga of losing baby teeth and the funny things my daughter would say at dinner.

Feeling disheartened and disconnected, my odd mom out sensitivity reached a breaking point when, at an elementary school fair, my daughter’s feelings were hurt when her two friends hopped on a ride that only allowed two kids at a time. Despite my continual efforts to reassure her that they did not leave her out and they did want to play with her, that it was purely the bad timing of the break in the line – she melted down and sat on a hill, sobbing with hurt feelings. I sat down next to her and my eyes welled up with tears because I couldn’t honestly say I felt any differently. I looked around and desperately wanted to find another single parent at the event who could empathize but it was clear this was solely on my shoulders. I started to wonder how I was going to be enough support her for the next 13 years of her grade school life.

And just when I was sure the evidence was damning enough to prove I was, in fact, the odd mom out, my daughter’s friends’ parents came over and reached out to us. They shared stories of how they helped their children with similar sensitivities. They repeatedly offered help anytime I needed it, telling me that I can’t be afraid to ask when I need a helping hand. And they talked about future fun things for our kids to do together. That night, we all walked home together in a group of giggly kids, babbling toddles and ever-tired yet jovial adults.

At the end of the evening, I stopped to observe the scene and I realized I was never the odd mom out. Just because my situation is not the same as other families, as parents and children, we were no different. Moreover, the same parents who reached out to me at the fair were also at those initial birthday parties. It wasn’t just me who was worried about being judged for what might happen to my daughter – it was every mother. And the Pinterest moms who have enviable creative skills, resources and time – well they have told me they don’t know how I do it. They don’t judge my store bought party favors, they are impressed I pull together a fun party for my daughter year after year.

Although single moms frequently feel like the odd mom out, not fitting neatly in with any one social circle, the fact is that we fit in to all circles. We have the spirit of being single and active and we have the worries that come with being a mother. I will be forever thankful for that night where I realized we are all in this together, raising our children to the best of our abilities and offering a hand when someone needs a little extra help.

This is a Love Story

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 16:03:00 +0000

Beautifully written story about Amy Chan, a author and blogger, and her path to find love.

It was a breathe of fresh air to read my has very much been my story in someone else's words. A must-read: http://justmytype.ca/love-story/

Radical healing - as of June 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 16:01:00 +0000

I've written very sparsely over the last year or so because there has been so much change I haven't known how to articulate it. From a trip to Rwanda to moving into our new house, I finally felt in control of my life and the path I was choosing. As the new year rang in, I realized I've spent the last five years taking care of everyone else but I knew nothing of self-case for me. I decided to embark on a path of 'Radical Healing' physically, emotionally and energy wise.

Physically I sought out a chiropractor, massage therapist, joined the gym and started to pay more attention to how what I ate and how I slept affected my well being.

Emotionally, I started EMDR, a specific type of therapy meant to help you process past traumas so that you no longer relive them in the moment but remember them as a memory - they become a part of your past, no longer a part of your present. To successfully do this, you dig deep into the infected wound and clear out each and every piece that contributed to the infection, giving the wound a chance to heal. Once you can see things clearly, you can learn what you need to do to set healthy boundaries and have a voice in your life so that the wound may finally heal.

A third part of radical healing is mentally finding balance. This involves recognizing that good self care involves quality time with oneself. I've learned to calm down when I'm alone - disassociate being alone with being unlovable and instead associate being alone with a loving to myself. I also took up guitar lessons to give my mind and creativity some exercise. And I've been writing more often, knowing that if I right it out, I can regulate myself from almost any trigger.

We have arrived at the half way point in the year and I would say I am half way better. The intensity of feelings and pain is not less but the length of which they hit is shorter and perspective more easily steps in, allowing for greater resiliency. I will say physically and emotionally it has been one of the most painful paths I have ever walked - cleaning everything out, digging right down to the bottom of my soul, seeing the truth of who I am and where I've been - it is scary. And I'm nervous about the next steps - does this path end in a place of peace? I can't see the ending right now but I can feel the improvement and the difference in thoughts and emotions along the way.

10 Dating Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 04 May 2016 13:51:00 +0000

1. How many times you go to the gym each week. I don't need to know that you go to the gym virtually every day because a body is only going to last for a finite amount of time but if you can't make me laugh, then we are really fucked in old age.

2. Being asked how often I work out. I don't care that maybe I get to the gym twice on a really over-achiever week. I may be thin now but it is deceptive, it is 'stress fit' - i.e. not earned through hours of pumping iron but rather hours of chasing around my daughter and worrying about how to be the best parent, employee, boss, daughter, friend and all around human being that I can be.

3. How good you think/want me to look in 'jeans or a black dress.' Odds are if I'm wearing mascara, I've both made a concerted effort and am already physically uncomfortable. Just be happy I didn't show up in my 15 year old sweatshirt and jammy pants.

4. Figuring out what to order at a restaurant. Does the menu offer hot food that someone else prepares? Then I'll take two. I don't give a fuck what you think about my eating habits. I'm happy to not make nor consume mac n cheese for one night.

5. "Hanging out" I like to go out on dates. I don't want to "hang out"' with you. I "hang out" with my friends so if I wanted to "hang out" with someone, I would be "hanging out" with one of them.

6. Waiting for someone to text. You wanna act like you don't like me? Maybe you 'aren't that into me' - its totally cool but I don't want to sit around waiting for your texts or last minute invitations to "'hang out." I could better use that time binging on Netflix.

7. What my friends think of online dating, News flash to everyone who hasn't dated after the year 2003: everyone is online in 2016, get over it. My success rate of losers to good guys is the same in a bar versus online. It's not about the place of meeting, it is about the substance of the person on the other side.

8. Wearing the same pair of jeans twice in a row. That's right, I double up on my jeans. That one pair that fits perfectly and doesn't feel like I'm being constricted in a torture chamber. I'm going to wear the shit out of them. And I don't care if you wear the shit out of your guy-equivalent jeans either.

9. How well you played in your last game of golf. No really, I don't give a fuck about your golf game. I am interested in your cooking skills though...

10. Making last minute plans. Oh, it is Thursday at 3pm and you just realized you have nothing to do tonight so you want to "hang out" with me? I don't fucking care that you are unable to plan ahead, because I make big-girl plans and am busy! If you want to go on a date, ask me ahead of time and I'll pencil you in.

(in response to the genius piece, "20 Things I Don't Give a F*ck About Anymore")

Single Parent Hacks: Work, Dating, Wellness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 14:30:00 +0000

Check these useful tips out on the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenn-lyons/single-parent-life-hacks-_b_8327964.html

Life Book - 2015!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 Oct 2015 17:42:00 +0000

A good friend sent me this email called "Life Book 2015" and I thought everyone could use a quick read:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

I thought I needed a husband...when what I needed was a wife!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 14:54:00 +0000

After five years of single parenting, I finally broke down and admitted that I needed help. A wonderful girl from my work offered to come over and help me with Grace. I offered to pay her, as I knew she was saving to buy a house - and I desperately needed the help.

She came over and played with Grace while I made dinner and took care of a few things around the house. Then she ran an errand and cleaned out Grace's too small clothes from her overflowing closet. (Next week she is going to hang something for me - she even knows how to use those illusive anchors which I've never figured out).

By the end of the night, Grace was relaxed because she didn't have to spend so much time playing by herself while mommy was doing "house stuff" - and I was relaxed because someone took the pressure of being the 100% source of entertainment while simultaneously handling household responsibilities.

When she left, I enjoyed a nice glass of wine and dozed off to sleep with a smile. For so long I thought that I needed a husband - it turns out what I needed was a wife!

Now she comes every week for one miraculously night where my to-do list is cut in half and my child goes to bed happy. I strongly recommend a mother's helper for any single mom (or working mom) - go get one today!

Avoiding a dating hangover.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 12 Oct 2015 14:50:00 +0000

Cognitively I realize that meeting someone ends one of two ways: you end up married (or committed together) or you don't. Nonetheless, it didn't work out with the 'almost dating' tennis player. He swept me off my feet when I first met him, but when he returned to the daily grind, he was all 'take' and no 'give'. Although I enjoy his company very much, I don't want a fun weekend here and there when it is convenient, I want more...I want it all. So I told him it felt more like a friends thing because it seemed that we were on two different pages.

It is so hard to stand up for what you want in the long run, when in the short run a romantic date would be awesome. It's a bit like deciding to take a shot when you are out - you know it will make for a fun night...but it's going to hurt after. How often do you find yourself saying "So glad I did that shot!" - usually it is "I wish I hadn't done that" So in the spirit of avoiding any dating hangovers, I've closed this chapter and am looking forward to a new one starting.

Almost dating...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 14:22:00 +0000

I'm almost dating someone. We met online while he was in my area, and much to my chagrin it turned out that he lives two time zones away. We had 5 dates in 5 days and by the end of the week, he was hooked and so was I. The next week he was still in my time zone but no longer local. He showered me with sweet texts and thoughts of spending time together again. We planned our next visit and agreed not to date anyone else while we got to know each other.

Then he went home and back to the daily grind. And the sweet texts turn to perfunctory, leaving me wondering if he was still interested. While those first five dates sound like a dream, it came on fast and strong and made me nervous. I had my guard up, waiting to see if he was for real. By the end of his time here my guard started to drop and that's when he headed home.

We text here and there throughout the day, but it is hard to get to know someone over text. I 'asked him out' on a FaceTime date, which he readily accepted. I didn't know how to clearly say - I would like you to block time to spend with me. If he were here, we would have dates. But long distance doesn't mean you can put in less effort, it means you have to be more creative. (in retrospect, I suppose I could just say those exact thoughts - but it is so hard to say things straight, isn't it?)

I reach out with sweet texts on occasion, the one I sent last night went unanswered. The story that I'm telling myself is that he is interested in what's convenient for him and not interested enough to make an effort to get to know me. For all I know he was thinking 'it is late and she was so tired so I'm not going to respond so she can sleep.'

I've tried to check in a few times to see what he is thinking but my reaches toward him, whether sweet or check in, are frequently met with an emoticon as a response. Perhaps he didn't get the memo that I don't speak emoticon.

So I'll continue to 'almost date' him until either the spark become stronger or fizzles out altogether.

Grace's 5th Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 Sep 2015 14:14:00 +0000

Today is Grace's 5th birthday and I woke up extra early today, giddy with excitement that my little girl is now 5! I posted a short, sentimental remark on facebook along with a picture of her from the beach, gazing out over the ocean. All morning I felt this resounding strength, that with very little help, I raised this happy, healthy five year old who makes me, and many others, smile every day.

Then it hit...a mini panic attack. I flashed back to her father's dead eyes in the hospital. The way he was texting, only to find out it was a girlfriend on the other end, while I'm in a hospital bed learning to care for my newborn baby girl. And all of the pain came flooding back, setting off a shame spiral.

I hate that this is my story. I can not stand it. But I'm trying to embrace it. It has shaped who I am, and as a result, shaped who Grace is as well - its given her an example of strength and determination to move forward. I'm a real-life case study of resilience. I hope that one day the strength will carry me so far forward that the panic and pain can no longer reach me.

Love this one: 13 Reason to be Jealous of Single Moms

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Aug 2015 15:30:00 +0000

Gotta check out this awesome article on '13 Reasons to be Jealous of Single Moms: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/tara-kennedy-kline/celebrating-all-single-mommies

From the Worst to the Best in 6 Days

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 19:07:00 +0000

Last week I went out on the worst date. I agreed to dinner, which is unusal for me, but I was trying to be optimistic that it was worth the time investment to give someone a change. As I arrived, I realized he downed a glass of wine before I got there. When we sat down, he wanted to order a bottle of wine. I suggested going glass by glass because I was only going to have one and he said "I challenge you to finish a bottle of wine" and I said "I have to drive" and he said "so do I". After a big to-do to pick a bottle of wine (me saying 'whatever you pick will be fine'), he ordered a vegan dinner and polished off the entire bottle sans my one glass. Tipsy at the end, he asked if I wanted to hang out again. I went home with the resolve that being alone for the next 10 years would be better than repeating this dinner ever again/

Fast forward six days and I'm at a work meeting with the CEO of a company we just acquired came to sit next to me after lunch. As he walked over, I panicked, wondering what work-talk I was going to coherently make, after just having a meal and having a food-hangover. Luckily, he wasn't looking to talk shop and we quickly entered the realm of TV after I blurted out 'So did you start referencing the Heisenberg Theory before or after 'Breaking Bad' got big?' Much to my amusement, he went straight to the topic of Breaking Bad and from there asked 'have you seen Weeds?' - have I seen Weeds? Nancy Botwin is one of my personal heros (in all of her hot mess-ed-ness).

From there we took a short leap to travel and then to Africa. He's been! He fell in love with the people and the culture when he visited. I was gushing about Rwanda. The love, the heart break, the difficulty being here and strong pull to be back there. At that point, he referenced a Buddhist principle which I immediately recognized at Pema Chondron - Pema - he reads Pema! Wow!

Unfortunately our talk was cut short because the larger group meeting resumed. He said we should talk more and asked what office I was in. Long story short, we had a work email exchange and against probably all reason, logic and good advice, I found a somewhat low key way to drop in my number.

For the amount of time I've put in complaining about the lack of quality dates and connection - I decided that when a good conversation comes along, you have to at least make an effort toward it.

I have no idea if he was as amused (even excited) as I was. Maybe he meets people like this every day. But I don't feel that sense of connection so easily and I was eagerly hoping for the conversation to continue.

I'm sure that the conversation happened for a reason - maybe it wasn't go get to know him, maybe just to remind me of that the depth that I'm holding out for really does exist. It was worth going out on a little limb to see!

I'm back from Rwanda and....what happens next?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:20:00 +0000

I'm back from Rwanda and a jumble of emotions. The trip was uplifting yet gut-wrenching at the same time. The country is so full of love and connectedness, yet they've been through so much pain and have so many challenges in front of them.

Two weeks after I returned, my uncle passed away. And I hit the ground. Crying...that ugly, snot-running crying...until I realized I wasn't just crying for him, but for the kids from the orphanage whom we had to leave. I'm back here...but they are still there. And I don't know how to be ok with that. We lived on this constant wave of love, and now I'm back and it is gone and they are gone from my life.

I'm not sure what is the next step forward. I always know - always have a next step, goal or milestone. But now I don't. How do I make a difference? How do I fill the hole in my heart from the piece that was left in Rwanda?

I've felt 'island syndrome' in the past (where you feel you are living alone on an island with no one around) - but this time it is different. I don't know how to explain my experience and it is almost harder to relate to other people, having not processed the experience myself.

Don't get me wrong - there was so much good from the trip and I see things differently now. In many ways I am more understanding of other people, but in some ways I'm less. In many ways I feel gentler and more connected as a human being, but in some ways I feel more alone and less relate-able to those around me.

I had this vision that after I moved into our new home, sold our old house, ate whatever I wanted (to prep for the trip) and then traveled to this land of gentle kindness....that I would come back peaceful and whole. (Part of me even imagined this would be the type of time where I finally cross paths with the right person) But now I am unsure - what happens next?

5 Lessons Learned From 2 Weeks in Rwanda

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 18:13:00 +0000

Back from Rwanda and here is my article about the trip:

5 Lessons From 2 Weeks in Rwanda (A Letter to My Daughter)

Enjoy!

Eat, Pray, Love, Rwanda

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 18:48:00 +0000

Four years post-divorce and the landscape looks so different. Grace has grown from a baby into a child. We made a fresh start in a new house (just last month) in a nicer neighborhood, in a house that feels like a home. Old friends have all stayed in place and may new friends have become as close as family. I landed my dream job of running a marketing program. I'm now a blogger on the Huffington Post. All of this...and I'm still alone. Except alone used to feel scary and daunting. Now it feels free and empowering. All choices are mine, the path is mine, the joy is mine.

In the last 8 months I have barely dated. But I've been eating. In part to gain weight before going to Rwanda. In part because, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I don't care as much about what I look like. I no longer feel in competition with other girls for the holy grail of a stunning single man.

I've been meditating (or trying to). Using new techniques to gain perspective in times when control is no longer mine. The moving process really puts this to the test - buying and selling a house is a high stakes game and you want to come out a winner but you don't know until the dust settles how you did.

Next week I leave for Rwanda. I'm all nerves mixed with some excitement. As the day approaches I expect more nerves and less excitement and after the plane takes off I except the tide will change. I won't have any control over what happens, it is all in the hands of God, the Universe, the Higher Power. All there is to do is to let go and live....and love. Those kids who have never known a mother's love. Who don't have individual attention on a regular basis.

So although I am still alone, I feel that the whole universe is supporting me. On this journey, on this path. Moving forward.

"So, here it is, the plan for being happy and unstoppable..."

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 12:42:00 +0000

Worthwhile read: "What to be Happy and Unstoppable?"

After studying and teaching the science and practice of well-being, leadership, and expert performance for twenty-five years, and in my work with executives, athletes, adventurers, educators, activists, parents, and students from all over the world, one thing has become crystal clear to me: the secret to a remarkable life lies in your relationship to discomfort.

I am not just referring to physical pain or emotional experiences such as anger, fear, anxiety, stress, disappointment, or heartbreak. There is an easy exercise to uncover the kind of subtle discomfort that can be influential in your life - especially when you are unaware of it. Without thinking about it, clasp your hands together with fingers intertwined. See which thumb is on top. This is how you always do it - it is comfortable. Now unclasp your hands, shift them relative to each other, and reclasp them so that the other thumb is on top. If you pay attention, you may notice a slightly unsettled feeling - a mild sense of discomfort.

This simple exercise offers powerful insight into your brain. There is a part of your brain that is activated when it determines that there is a current problem or a potential obstacle, or when you do something different than you have in the past. This area of the brain then sends signals in two directions. One signal travels toward your gut to create sensations of discomfort, and another signal goes to a part of the brain that prompts a habitual behavior. If you engage in the behavior, then another part of the brain gives you a tiny reward, which you experience as relief from discomfort. In fact, the original meaning of the word comfort was "feeling of relief."

So this network in your brain connects the feelings of discomfort with an action that leads to comfort. Squirrels have the same system - stimulus, discomfort, action, comfort. What makes you different from a squirrel (besides longer legs, a lack of body fur, and slightly less beady eyes), is that this is not the only brain system you have for choosing behavior. We will get to that in a minute.

Discomfort is a natural and temporary experience. Discomfort is just information about how your nervous system is responding to circumstances. It may be incredibly useful information for navigating your environment and it may be misleading information based on false associations from the past. While discomfort itself is nothing more than a sensation created by your nervous system, mindless and reflexive efforts to seek relief from discomfort can cause a lot of drama. In fact, seeking relief from discomfort can completely derail us from what is most important. Procrastination, perfectionism, compulsion, eating, drinking, spending, lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, hoarding, yelling, hitting, hiding...the list goes on. While no one has ever died from discomfort, many people have died trying to get rid of it. In daily life, relentless pursuit of comfort and avoidance of discomfort require a tremendous amount of energy that could otherwise go into meaningful activities.

From a young age we are taught that the people and the circumstances around us are responsible for our feelings and that we are responsible for the feelings of others. The simple truth is that your feelings are created by your nervous system and other peoples' feelings are created by their nervous systems. To illustrate this point, let's imagine you are sitting on an airplane and a toddler is screaming. The mother is feeling frustration and embarrassment. Another parent sitting three rows back is feeling relief that it is not his child who is making the noise. A third person is feeling annoyance at the noise and another passenger is feeling empathy and compassion for the mother. Which of these feelings is the screaming child responsible for? The more you accept responsibility for how you relate to your own feelings and stop trying to control the feelings of others, the less complicated life becomes.

The good news is that human brains are equipped with more than just the squirrel system. You have architecture in your brain designed for awareness, acceptance, and purpose. You can notice and accept the feelings of discomfort, you can weigh values and priorities such as contribution, learning, growth, and connection, and you can take action based on what is most important to you.

Doing something even when you don't feel like it is a uniquely human trait. In fact, this may be the single most impressive thing about our species. I like to use the acronym WYFLION - Whether You Feel Like It or Not - to remind myself that I am capable of doing things in the presence of discomfort. Behind every significant accomplishment in this world, there is an individual or group who took action in the presence of discomfort to achieve a goal. WYFLION gets parents up to change a diaper in the middle of the night, gives explorers the ability to peer around the next bend, pushes athletes through a challenging workout, and keeps relationships intact through rough patches - it is the fuel for heroes great and small. WYFLION is the unwritten clause of the Golden Rule - Do onto others as you would have them do onto you (whether you feel like it or not). WYFLION is the key to a life of freedom.

The real secret to lasting happiness is the awareness and acceptance that the feelings of happiness do not last. No matter what you do, the comfortable feelings of happiness come and go in the same way that the uncomfortable feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, stress, anger, boredom, frustration, and restlessness come and go. No matter what you do, discomfort is going to show up again. When you eat, you don't expect that you are done with hunger forever - you accept that the discomfort of hunger will show up again. This is true for every type of discomfort. There is no way to extinguish this integral part of being human. The beauty is that you can use discomfort as an opportunity to reorient your attention to what is most important. Mindfully accepting and purposely responding to discomfort without desperately and reactively seeking relief is the foundation of a good life. This takes practice - mindful and purposeful practice.

The elements of mindful practice are opening up, noticing, and accepting whatever shows up - pleasant or unpleasant. You can set aside time at the beginning and ending of each day - 5 to 20 minutes - to sit mindfully. You can stop 3-5 times a day for 10 - 60 seconds at a time to practice being mindful. You can practice being mindful in any activity - walking, driving, eating, talking, listening, working, playing. The elements of purposeful practice are commitment, opportunity and action. There are thousands of opportunities everyday to identify what is most important and take some small meaningful action. This practice - Opening, Noticing, Accepting, Commitment, Opportunity, Action (ONACOA) - builds the core skills of exceptional well-being and performance.

So, here it is, the plan for being happy and unstoppable: Practice being mindful of accepting discomfort and taking committed action in its presence. Make an attempt, fail, get up, and make a new attempt. Practice compassion for yourself and others and gratitude for the simple opportunity to be human. When a new discomfort shows up, begin again.

There is a Little Bit of Katie Meyler in Each of Us (And Why I’m Going to Rwanda…as a Single Mom)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 May 2015 12:40:00 +0000

(As seen on the Huffington Post)

If you don't know who Katie Meyler is yet, it’s worth the time to find out. She is an enterprising young woman who opened the More than Me Academy to get girls off the street and into schools in West Point, Liberia.

When the Ebola epidemic struck West Africa in the fall of 2014, the school was forced to shut down. Instead of waiting for the threat to pass, Katie flew into the heart of the epidemic and turned her school into an aid center to help victims and newly orphaned children of Ebola. You can follow Katie on Instagram where she posts gripping photos of both the despair and hope found within Liberia. For her efforts, she was named Time Magazine’s ”Person of the Year” in 2014, and has earned Instagram’s “person to follow,” designation as her posts resonate with all cross-sections of humanity.

Why are people so drawn to Katie's story and her work? Because there is a little bit of Katie Meyler in each of us. She doesn't come from a wealthy family and has had no advantages to make her journey easy - she just knew what she needed to do and acted on it.

Perhaps Katie’s will to help is best described by Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan, co-founder of the M Night Shyamalan Foundation, an organization that funds the More than Me Academy. “Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative,” Shyamalan says. “You are making a choice to do nothing.” She adds that the only way forward is to pull people up, one by one.

Although we may not have the means or desire to fly to Liberia, seeing Katie's pictures reminds us that we can each choose actions to improve the world around us. Katie, and others like her, prove that one person's efforts are not inconsequential - what we do makes a difference.

Inside we all know there is something we can do for the greater good. We need to listen to the voice reminding us that we are fortunate and often take basic essentials for granted - yet others are not as lucky.

As a single mother, I made the decision to travel to Rwanda to live and work for two weeks in the Nibakure Children’s Village - an orphanage designed to provide a sustainable home for approximately 20 children who were not born into the loving and stable environments so many of us are afforded.

When I learned of the Nibakure Village, I instantly recognized how lucky my daughter and I are to have landed where we are in life. I wondered if I didn’t go and spend time with these children - who would? These kids didn't choose to be born into a difficult situation, living in one of the world’s poorest countries, but I can choose to make their world a little bit better by volunteering my time and energy.

So I’ve committed to getting more than five inoculations to protect against deadly diseases, such as yellow fever and typhoid, taking meds that cause stomachaches, and flying across the globe for 24 hours to have an experience that will both enrich my character and provide an example for my daughter, so that she doesn’t take our life for granted and choosing to help others will become part of the fabric of who she is as she grows up.

Don't be neutral - choose to help pull someone up today.

"Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative"

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 18:23:00 +0000

I went to the M. Night Shyamalan Foundation event over the weekend to hear three of their leaders speak - three individuals who have been 'vetted by life' and overcame significant challenges that lead them to feel responsible to make circumstances better for others - from pulling boys in Ghana out of the slave trade, to getting girls in Liberia off the streets and into school to eradicating the signficant reading lag in K through 3rd graders in the US.

Dr. Bhavna Shyamalan said, "Walking by a man lying in the street is not neutral, it is a negative" - these three individuals refused to leave anyone lying there and are pulling people out, one by one.

I left the event feeling incredibly inspired and wondering - am I pulling as many people out as I can? Although I have my trip to Rwanda booked (leaving in 2 months!) and I volunteer on a community committee, the majority of my time is spent at work and raising my daughter. The truth is, I've always felt I should do more. I even have a shooting star tattooed on my back to remind me of what I am capable of doing, so I would not forget to never settle.

I realized that night that I haven't been at a place where I feel safe to branch further out. I live in a house where I feel under siege - between things breaking and flashbacks to the dramatic end to the marriage. I didn't chose to live in this house, I ended up living here by circumstance.

In the past 2 months I've set everything else aside and have focused on finding a home for Stella and I. A solid foundation from which we can continue to build our lives. I think (hope) I have found that place & if this one doesn't work out, I won't give up until I find the home that is right for us.

I truly believe this is a missing piece to getting my 'maslovian needs' in order - and now I want to do more - help others who's needs aren't met.

Despite wondering if 'doing enough' after hearing these amazing leaders, I attended a fundraising dinner for a soup kitchen where my team at work at served a lunch. After we saw the poor condition of their cooking supplies, we shipped boxes of sets of culinary knives for the kitchen along with blankets and coats and whatever else we could pull together to supply to the homeless people who depend on this facility each day for their meals and services. Although this was done without thinking twice, the person who runs the soup kitchen found me at the dinner and thanked me for coming through - not for saying that we wanted to help - but for doing it and taking it to the next level but sending the supplies.

Right now I have the urge to pick everyone up - that passion and buzz inside - but right now I am doing what I can. Right now, I need a home base to start from. Right now, I need to raise my daughter. But as I go along, I can help on the community committee, I can spend time at the orphanage in Rwanda, making those kids feel special and valued - and I can help a poorly supplied soup kitchen along the way -- what can you do today?

Don't be neutral - don't be a negative - pick someone up.

Helpful read: A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 02 Apr 2015 17:53:00 +0000

Great article from TheGlassHammer.com:
A Single Mom's Guide to Career Advancement (For Any Working Mom!)

Resurrecting Soup Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Mar 2015 15:30:00 +0000

In the fall of 2013 I met a lovely guy whom I named Soup Guy. We only had two dates because I didn't feel the "wow" factor. However, in the year and a half since, I've thought of him many times as I grumbled to myself that this date 'didn't do this' or was 'lousy at that' - and would compare the less-than dates to Soup Guy who did everything right.

So when I came across him on an online dating since in 2015, I asked if he would like to catch up over a drink. We met up last week and had good conversation, he is as nice as ever. Easy going, non-judgemental, asks a lot of questions. Although the immediate "wow" factor isn't there right now, I am well aware that my "wow" factor-o-meter is a bit off and usually points to self-involved, un-evolved guys. He asked for a second date and said he has a fun idea so I'm going to say yes and see what is in store.