Online Business Media

Free Joomla Templete - Joomla news portal template

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:53:00 +0000

joomla template designer iboldesign has released a news portal template for joomla!As the title modernportal highly designed for news portal purpuse. there are many modules position includedThis template tested all with major browser.download it and have a good news joomla
portal
Modernportal features:

Tableless layout
default joomla module position
fixed width
Joomla 1.0.x compatible
tested with IE 7.0,Firefox 2,Opera 9.02

Download modernportal

File Title:	modernportal
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0.x
File Size:	43.23 Kb
File Author:	iboldesign
Demo	modernportal Demo

Tableless with three column design style dark joomla blog templates

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:51:00 +0000

JoomDKBlog is a tableless with three column design style and have been customized to applied adsense text link ads or your site banners on the top of the page design. It provides you with left and right column module position also user8 position for your top menu. You can easily change the site name and slogan on the top left side to your own words by editing the index.php file but we appreciate if you keep our site link on the bottom.JoomDKBlog based on dark Blog CSS template!

Download joom_dkblog

File Title:	joom_dkblog
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.o.x
File Size:	33.45 Kb
File Author:	joomla-labs
Demo	joom_dkblog Demo

Green Day - Know Your Enemy Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:48:00 +0000

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

Violence is an enemy
Against the enemy
Violence is an energy

Bringing on the fury
The choir infantry
Revolt against the honor to obey

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
Burning down the foreman of control

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
So rally up the demons of your soul

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

[ Green Day Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

The insurgency will rise
When the bloods been sacrificed
Don't be blinded by the lies
In your eyes

Violence is an energy
From here to eternity
Violence is an energy
Silence is the enemy
So gimme gimme revolution

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

Do you know the enemy?
Do you know your enemy?
Well, gotta know the enemy

Overthrow the effigy
The vast majority
Burning down the foreman of control

Silence is the enemy
Against your urgency
So rally up the demons of your soul

Britney Spears - Womanizer Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:33:00 +0000

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Got a clue, what you doing?

You can play brand new to
All the other chicks out here
But I know what you are
What you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just a re-up
Baby you
Got all the puppets with their strings up

Fakin' like a good one
But I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are
What you are, baby

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of a champion
Too bad for you
You just can't find the right companion

I guess when you have one too many
Makes it hard, it could be easy
Who you are
That's just who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me, you're the sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim, not another

Say it, play it, how you wanna?
But no way I'm ever gonna
Fall for you
Never you, baby

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

[ Britney Spears Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Maybe if
We both lived in a
Different world

It would be all good
And maybe I could be your girl
But I can't
'Cause we don't

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

You, you, you are
You, you, you are
Womanizer, womanizer
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You got me going
You're oh so charming
But I can't do it
You womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

You say I'm crazy
I got you crazy
You're nothing but a
Womanizer

Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah
Boy don't try to front, uh, I
Know just, just, what you are, ah, ah

Womanizer, woman-womanizer
You're a womanizer
Oh, womanizer, oh
You're a womanizer, baby

Seven Tips to Help Start Online Marketing

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:31:00 +0000

The prosperity of internet brings us unique ways to make easy money. The online marketing business is the most popular. Also named as internet marketing, web marketing, i-marketing or eMarketing, it is the marketing of products or services online. Requiring low cost and offering an access to global customers, online business has made many people become rich and successful.

Everyday thousands of people are searching info about internet marketing, as they want to do online business as successfully as possible. Internet has huge resource for you to start business, like electronics, home appliances, computers, office products, apparels, etc., but getting the success is not as easy as a pie. Wonder how to start online business? The following are tips and skills for you to easily start your online marketing business:

1. Research, research, and research. Research is very important. It matters which way you choose to start the business, selling own products or becoming an affiliate marketer (sell others' products for commission). Plus, research helps you find out what the hottest products all around the world and which products are the most profitable. It is the first step to the success.

2. Get your own website. No matter which ways you choose to start your business, having your own website increases your sites' credibility. When you give a name to your domain, you'd better insert your main keyword in the name, for example, if wholesale electronics is your main keyword, insert those two words into your domain name, because that helps search engine judge your site.

3. Optimize your keywords. Doing that helps consumers find your site easily when they type the keywords or similar keywords in search engine. Usually, keywords in top 5 in Google easily attract consumers to click and visit. So try to make your keywords in the top 5, or at least in the first page of search engine.

4. Choose effective marketing strategy. Effective marketing strategy, money-paid ways like keywords purchase or free such as free blog and forum, helps people know your website and then know your products. Plus, they could ensure you good ranking. But note to keep balance between those two ways and update them regularly.

5. Wisely use your money. Your money is not paper. Make a plan about how to use your money. Sometimes, spending much money at one time might produce no profit.

6. Achieve your purpose step by step. Patience is very needed in doing online marketing. Most of us couldn't become successful overnight or in a very short time and there are so many competitors outside. Be patient all the time.

7. Note about effective website promotion ways. There are a lot ways to promote a site, like article marketing, one page optimization and link baiting. Finding out the best and the most effective ways to promote your side. Don't be afraid of trying new promotion method, as new ways might bring unexpected good results.

Those 7 tips not only assist you in getting good PR, Alexa rank and promoting your website, but also help attract visitors and get your profit. Apply those 7 tips and start your online business right now.

www.prlog.org

Free Drupal Templete - The "Widesheen" Series

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Wide two column templates with primary navigation and search kept up top with the header, and navigation blocks in a right sidebar.

2 column layout, content area - then navigation sidebar.
Available in 5 color combinations; blue, brown, green, purple and red.
Graphic logo overlays header (PNG format).
Wide fixed width.

Download Template

Free Drupal Templete - The "Tabbed" Series

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:04:00 +0000

Clean and simple two column templates, with navigation kept in a right sidebar and primary links in tabs up top.

2 column layout, content area - then right column.
Available in 5 color combinations; blue, green, purple, red and yellow.
Graphic logo overlays header (PNG format).
Medium fixed width.

Download Template

Free Drupal Templete - The "Really" Series

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:02:00 +0000

Clean two column templates with primary links and search up top and the remainder of navigation elements in a left sidebar.

2 column layout, left column then content area.
Available in 5 different color combinations; blue, green, yellow, purple and red.
Graphic logo overlays header image (PNG format).
Narrow fixed width.

Download Template

Free Blogger Templete - The Latest

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:57:00 +0000

Download

Free Blogger Templete - Hybrid News

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:54:00 +0000

Downloads

Free Joomla Templete - Fast loading news joomla templates

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Looking for fast loading news joomla template ? here dabronze for you. With its small weight template dabronze will deliver fastest loading for your joomla news site!Dabronze equipped with much module position available.white and gray layout!

Dabronze already tested with latest major browser. Build your joomla news site now

Dabronze features:

default joomla module position
Tableless layout
default joomla module position
Fixed width
Joomla 1.0.x compatible
Tested with IE 7.0,Firefox 2,Opera 9.02

Download dabronze

File Title:	dabronze
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0
File Size:	30.04 Kb
File Author:
Demo	dabronze Demo

Joomla templates for business companies and business groups

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:50:00 +0000

Take a look at joomla templates that was designed for the business companies. This template can be used by business companies, economics analysts, business groups, business communities financial consulting, investment, business blogs, service companies, professional services, communications businesses, mortgages, technology businesses, shipping, insurance agencies, accounting, business publishing and other business-related establishments. Using this website template you will be able to create professional joomla website quickly and easily.

Download blue_web_group

File Title:	blue_web_group
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0.x
File Size:	150.71 Kb
File Author:	pc-erlernen.de
Demo	blue_web_group Demo

Free Joomla Templete - Joomla templates for Apple iphone

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:43:00 +0000

ince its launch the Apple’s iPhone has rocked the entire world. From a classic Apple iPhone to the adorable Platinum collection, iPhone has proven its distinction in the existing mobile market! This templates is inspired by the new Apple iPhone.Seriously, this theme does look like the classy iPhone as you can see from the screenshot. This is a 2 column themes, black (obviously), fixed width. this joomla templates can be used for ideal for stores, fanpages etc.

Fully Compatible with Firefox (1, 2, 3), Internet Explorer (6, 7), Safari (1, 2, 3)
It is compatible with joomla 1.0

Download iphone

File Title:	iphone
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0
File Size:	388.62 Kb
File Author:	joomla-club
Demo	iphone Demo

Free Joomla - Joomla templates for Apple iphone

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:43:00 +0000

Fully Compatible with Firefox (1, 2, 3), Internet Explorer (6, 7), Safari (1, 2, 3)
It is compatible with joomla 1.0

Download iphone

File Title:	iphone
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0
File Size:	388.62 Kb
File Author:	joomla-club
Demo	iphone Demo

Free Joomla Templete - Spa beauty joomla templates

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:41:00 +0000

Service is crucial in spa and beauty industries,so let this Spa beauty joomla templates make it easier with a spa website.A spa website is a virtual front desk to deliver information in a consistent, professional manner. Many spa boutiques already use the web to offer helpful customer information, hours of operation, pictures, and phone numbers…24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Save crucial time for your support staff and look professional doing it!If your joomla website is dedicated to beauty treatment, cosmetics, different spa procedures, massages and relaxation techniques, then this joomla spa template will definitely add a beautiful touch to it.

Download Beauty Spa

File Title:	Beauty Spa
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0.x
File Size:	86.21 Kb
File Author:	freehostia.com
Demo	Beauty Spa Demo

Free Joomla Templete - Joomla chess club templates

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:07:00 +0000

This joomla 1.0 templates can be used for chess strategy,chess tactics,chess instruction related joomla website!Also it can be used fo online chess game website!the chess club template for anyone interested in challenging their skills and knowledge round the clock. Show the world what self-improvement means.
Download ChessMate

File Title:	ChessMate
File Type:	zip
File Version:	joomla 1.0
File Size:	69.73 Kb
File Author:	lonex.com
Demo	ChessMate Demo

Creating a New Template from Scratch

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:34:00 +0000

Ever notice that most references (read: books) start out with a basic template already set, but almost none tell you how to get to that initial point? Hopefully this tutorial will help you understand the first part of using templates... Creating a new template from scratch.

A good place to start this tutorial is with a clear statement of the value, the purpose, and the operation of templates:

The value of templates is that they allow you to control most (all?) of the pages in your small to medium site (~50 pages) by only manipulating several (one?) file(s).
The purpose of templates is to provide a simple way to make sure that a) all dependent pages (child pages) have the same look and navigation, and b) to facilitate the maintenance of those pages.
The operation of templates is to propagate all changes made to non-editable regions in the template file into all associated child pages. Thus, a single change in a template will appear in multiple pages automatically, while still allowing those child pages to contain unique (page-specific) content.

What you'll need:

Dreamweaver MX 6.0 or 6.1 (preferably 6.1 since some template issues have been resolved. For more details, please read the updater release notes here, a synopsis of which, as related to templates, can be found here)
A defined local site
30 minutes of your time

Methods of Creating a New Template

Like many procedures in Dreamweaver MX, there is more than one way to arrive at a desired goal. Creating a new template page is no different in this respect, as there are several methods to make one. We will do our best to cover them all in detail in the following segments....

TIP: We cover .htm and .html file and template types in this discussion. The exact same steps would be used if creating a new ASP, PHP, CFML, JSP or ASPX template and/or instance (child) page. There is one small difference with the templates though: dynamic page templates (those containing server-side code) are now saved with the language extension appended after the ".dwt". For instance, a cfml template would be named "filename.dwt.cfm," or an asp template would be named "filename.dwt.asp." This was done by Macromedia to prevent the template's sensitive connection information from being viewable in the client browser as it was in earlier versions of DW using just the ".dwt" extension.

Method 1

File» New... [General Tab] Basic Page: HTML.
(Also available from the Standard Toolbar | New button)
File» Save as Template...
Go to The Next Steps section of this document and continue...

Method 2

File» New... [General Tab] Basic Page: HTML Template.
(Also available from the Standard Toolbar | New button)
See figure in Method 1.
File» Save as... (DO NOT USE: File» Save as Template... since you have already specified that this file is to be a template!). Alternatively, you could use File» Save which will also bring up the "Save As" dialog.
Go to The Next Steps section of this document and continue...

Method 3

File» New... [General Tab] Template Page: HTML Template.
(Also available from the Standard Toolbar | New button)
File» Save as... (DO NOT USE: File» Save as Template...).
Go to The Next Steps section of this document and continue...

Method 4

Open the Assets panel using F11.
Select the Templates asset group.
Click the Options Menu of the Assets panel and select New Template.
Provide a name for the template (file extension not required as it is automatically generated for you when you use the assets panel to generate a new asset), and press enter.
Go to The Next Steps section of this document and continue....

Method 5

Open the Assets panel using F11.
Select the Templates asset group.
Right Click (CTRL+Click) in the Templates asset group and select New Template.
Provide a name for the template (file extension not required as it is automatically generated for you when you use the assets panel to generate a new asset), and press enter.
Go to the Next Steps section of this document and continue....

Method 6

Use this method if you have the 'Show New Document Dialog on Control+N' disabled (unchecked).
Location of Preference setting for this is:

Edit» Preferences... [New Document Category] Show New Document Dialog on Control+N

Checked = Enabled;
Unchecked = Disabled.

Press CTRL+N (Command+N).
File» Save as Template...
Go to The Next Steps section of this document and continue....

The Methods Concluded

As you can see, there are many ways to achieve the same goal. Each method produces exactly the same result. Method 3 or 5 are Brad's methods of choice, while method 1 is how Murray operates. You may, however, opt for one of the other methods that better suits your workflow with Dreamweaver MX.

TIP: After you create your template and save it the first time, each subsequent save should be done using File» Save or you run the risk of accidentally creating a nested template or worse, corrupting your existing template.

CAUTION: Prior to adding any links to url's, images, external css files, external js files or include files, save the template so that the links are managed properly from the outset. See Macromedia Technote 13842 for more information.

The Next Steps...

Q. What do you do with the template file now that you have created it?

A. This segment of the tutorial covers: How to open the template; Edit the content of the template; Make a new page based on the template instance (child); and Edit the content of the template instance (child).

Now what?

Open the template file that you just created. You may use any convenient method to do this.
Give the template a title ({sitename} Template).
Add your non-editable content (Site structural elements, graphics and navigational elements).
Add your template region(s).
TIP: At least one region must be added to the body of the template or Dreamweaver pops up a message stating that the template has no editable regions.
Save the template using CTRL+S (Command+S), the toolbar save icon, or File» Save.
Close the template using CTRL+W (Command+W) or File» Close.

You have now created a page that contains all the layout, navigation, and 'boilerplate' content that will appear on every page in the site (well, at least all the pages that will be spawned from this template!). You have also created the 'slots' or editable regions into which each page's unique content will be placed.

Editing content in the template:

Open the existing template from your site panel or Assets panel.
Make changes to areas that are not editable regions.
Save the template using CTRL+S (Command+S) or File» Save.
Update associated pages - this pops up a dialog that you have to agree to or decline (there are reasons to do either of these). On agreeing, Dreamweaver MX updates the child pages, notifies you that it has done so, and then you must click the Close button when finished processing.
Close the Template using CTRL+W (Command+W) or File» Close.

To make new pages based on the created template:

File» New... [Templates tab] to create a "New from template" file using the newly created template.
Select your site in the Templates for: column.
Select your template from the Site "{sitename}": column.
Make sure the Update pages when template changes is checked.
Click the Create button.
Immediately save the page in your site using CTRL+S (Command+S) or File» Save as....

Editing editable region content in the template instance (child):

Open the htm/html file you just saved using any convenient method.
Change the page title from: {sitename} Template to something appropriate.
Edit where able (editable regions).
Save the page using CTRL+S (Command+S), the menu bar icon, or File» Save.
Close the template instance (child) using CTRL+W (Command+W) or File» Close.
Repeat for each page requiring modification.
Upload the modified file(s) to the server.

Conclusion

Well, there you have it! We have tried to give you all the information you need to start creating templates on your own. And, we have provided links to other tutorials and resources that will assist you in becoming even more comfortable with Dreamweaver MX Templates.

www.dreamweavermx-templates.com

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.

Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."

The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.

The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"

www.onlyfunnystories.com

Just follow the Tracks

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:59:00 +0000

3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.

Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.

1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk".

5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.

Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit my train".

www.onlyfunnystories.com

What Happened in Detroit

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:58:00 +0000

A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.

"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"

With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.

"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"

The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"

www.onlyfunnystories.com

Too Many Fires

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:57:00 +0000

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.

"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"

The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."

www.onlyfunnystories.com

Doing Business with the darn Stock Broker

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:56:00 +0000

A man goes up to a stock broker says, "I want to open a so-and-so trading account!"

Blanching, the lady replies, "Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?"

"Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!"

"Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!"

The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss asks the man, "Is there a problem, sir?"

"I don't have a dang problem," the man says, "I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this blankety-blank brokerage!"

"I get the picture sir," the boss says, "and this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?"

www.onlyfunnystories.com

Facts About Old Men and Women

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:41:00 +0000

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

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Cup Holder

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:38:00 +0000

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

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I Know This Laywer

noreply@blogger.com (Egie Restu) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:37:00 +0000

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"