Suicide Queen

So sick of it here !!!

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:20:00 +0000

I have noticed that I have a lot of viewers from overseas... and when I lived in Berlin... I was so happy! We would be willing to move to Germany, the Netherlands, Russia, Prague,... or Thailand. If you can help make this come true... lend a couch or room till we get on our feet....please let us know....

We are so sick of the United States and it's bigotry against Transsexuals !!!

Please HELP!!!

New Years 2011-New Years 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:39:00 +0000

WOW… this has been one hell of a year to say the least! I have had more up’s and downs this year than in the last ten years of my life combined!

New Years 2011 started off on a good note. I decided, against all odds, to start my Transition from Male to Female. This was followed by a wake-up call Christmas Eve 2010… where I spent from 2am to 5am Christmas morning 2010 writing my goodbyes to my friends and family in a suicide note. (I still have it and will post it when I find it again… we just moved and I have not unpacked everything)

What saved me that morning was a 5am call from a very dear friend, who invited me to share their Christmas morning with them, if only by way of cell phone conversation. Thank you Char, you saved my life!

I was to move in with Char and her son that New Years (2010) However, by not killing myself, and really looking at my life; I decided to do something that I should have done many moons ago. (Transition)

I have been dealing with my Gender Identity since I was five years old…I had made life making decisions to contradict my feelings, and in doing so… wasted more than half my life.

I didn’t end up moving with Char… me transitioning while she still had teenage children in the home would not be a good idea. I would never put that awkwardness on anyone…. so I instead decided on New Years Day 2011, that I was going to start my Transition from Male to Female… and I did….

It wasn’t easy… in fact it was at this time in my life that I found out I had a tumor… Yup, a big Fat Tumor, sitting on top of my Pituitary Gland. This was bittersweet news it turns out. I lost my my hair through treatment, however when the tumor can back; I ended up taking this pill for control of my out of whack Hormone levels. This did two things: One, it caused me to lose over 100 pounds… Two, I found out through continued blood work, I found out I was intersex: in my case: Klinefelter's syndrome, I am XXY.

Through more extensive blood work, I found out that I have been sterile since birth… so who’s kids have I been paying for all these years???? No wonder she never let’s me see the kids… they are not even mine… WELL…. DNA test here we come… no more supporting a whore who has the audacity to have someone pay for her kids for 18 years and not even tell them that the kids aren’t theirs…. and to further mind fuck me… she wouldn’t let me see or talk to them…. (A whole other Blog) See you court this February Gwyn !!!

to be continued -

If you ever hit the lotto and would like to share in your wealth....

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 18:03:00 +0000

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1ECE1WJ4FNDL4

Christmas 2011 was bitter sweet!

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 16:24:00 +0000

I awoke this Christmas just prior to Jeolene... and although we will be exchanging gifts in January... due to having to move because of being attacked.... I just realized... I never blogged about that.... (Jeolene and I were attacked by five thugs on September 22 2011.... that's an entire post in itself)

So... Jeolene walked out of our bedroom... and I ran up to her and immediately broke down in tears... This was our first Christmas together... however we were both upset at her families "conditions" for Christmas dinner at their home...

1. We had to dress as men
2. We were to be called by our Past "boy" names
3. We did not have any power to negotiate

I of course went ape shit, Jeolene's family has never excepted her... not once in the last eight years of her Transition. My consequences for sticking up for my girlfriend : I was UN-INVITED !

So running up to Jeolene this Christmas Morning sent me into a flood of sobs and tears... knowing of what an uncomfortable event laid before her. Plus having to give up part of our day together... forgetaboutit !!!

But alas ,... things turned out better than she had expected... A small step in her Family excepting her... was worth 3 hours of hell any day.... (THREE HOURS OF HELL= BEING WITHOUT MY LOVE ON CHRISTMAS)

We went out for a Christmas Drive... which will now become a tradition for us...

Upon our return... our neighbors invited us to their Christmas Party...

All in all... Christmas turned out pretty good!

**** Attack and Summer blog still to come ****

I have been so preoccupied with recovering and our move....

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas !!!!

Gothic Rebirth

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:19:00 +0000

Gothic Rebirth was a total success, regardless of the bullshit from the club owners. Hematosis and the NekroDancers were amazing. Jeolene and I thank you guys and gals from the bottom of our hearts <3

Although the owner of The Phantasy Nite Club (Michele K. De Frasia and Catherine De Frasia) refused to pay us…

Saturday night was still a huge success because Jeolene and I are now engaged to be married !

Saturday night was a moment of weakness on my part... letting a woman like Michele control my emotions, even for a moment was a sign of my weakness... I am a Wiccan who believes in all things LOVE !!! The shock of not having the opportunity to propose to Jeolene in front of all my friends got the best of me last night... and for that I am truly sorry ! Not being paid..... albeit inconvenient .... is only monetary .... The whole meaning of last night was to share my love... not only with my friends... new and old... But to publicly profess my love to my soul-mate. We shared in a Love ceremony under the moon last night .. well early this morning.... and the Gods and Goddess blessed our union.... Blessed Be.

and to the new friends we finally met from Facebook…. we love you !!!!

Almost one year into my Transition

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 09:51:00 +0000

It has been almost on year into my Transition.... My next Blog will cover the year in full.... then I will get back to Blogging on a more regular basis.... My girlfriend and I were attacked on September 22nd. 2011... That will be posted as well. My apologies for the delays and time between Posts... it has been a really hard year for me.

Need your input!

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 06:42:00 +0000

I guess we can never please everyone…. I guess not everyone will accept me… But when the Love of my Life is not accepted…. I come undone.

I am back !

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:42:00 +0000

I am sorry dear readers, but after Krista died…. My world stood still!

I have been busy this past summer with the love of my life. I am happy for the first time in a very long time.

This is an updated picture of me with Jeolene!

Stay tuned, I will have my summers Blog posted by this weekend.

I have missed you all !!!!

Zoe~

I Lost A Dear Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Thu, 26 May 2011 04:50:00 +0000

The Trans Community lost a dear friend and sister to suicide.

Krista, in her own words, written in preparation for a panel she spoke on in October 2010:

"My name is Krista Renee E. I am a chef, I am a mother (with 2 of the most beautiful daughters anyone could ask for), I am a Veteran, I am a skier, I am a hiker, and I am a downhill mountain biker. I am all these things and more. These are merely facets of my life that as a whole, cooperating together, make me the woman you see standing before you. The journey to become the woman standing here today has been one filled with rough roads, joyous journeys, quizzical periods and a world of acceptance and harmony that had previously been unknown to me."

Rest In Peace Krista ! You will remain in my heart and soul for an eternity… I almost joined you last night…but there is still work for me to do here on Earth… I will see you soon love!

The world has lost one of it’s best !!!! I am very sad….very sad….

To visit Krista’s memorial page there is a link to the right of this post.

Is this the end?

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Wed, 25 May 2011 06:09:00 +0000

I have been pondering this question all evening… earlier I felt my mood go from a 7 to a –7… For no particular reason… I don’t think there was a trigger, all I know is that I am at about a (–10)…which for me is past the point of a suicide note… I am completely numb right now… I am quite sure I am not going to make it to see the sun rise, and if I do… my body will be stuck to my sheets from dried blood… I tried not to cut tonight… I honestly did… I went as far as to post a “rope” a cry for help…for someone…anyone to be my lifeline tonight… Not one response…

So the rest of my night shall be interesting…painful but most of all utterly lonely….even though I just want to run…. hide….and die! So is this the end? Is it worth it? Is one more day in my pathetic existence worth it? Will anything ever change? When I take one step forward in life…I end up being thrown six steps back… I am so in the negative, I would have to live to be 150 just to break even…

How do I break this cycle? Perhaps I am destined to just die alone… painfully and utterly alone…. Is this the end?

How Zoe Came to Be…

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Tue, 24 May 2011 10:35:00 +0000

Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 16 May 2011 07:23:00 +0000

Have you ever felt bad or guilty for something good happening in your life? Like somehow you do not deserve happiness… I have felt like that ever since I got off the phone with someone I can honestly say has been my only best friend in a very long time. We have not been talking for almost six months now… and each day that went by was like an eternity… I have know her since high school… but it has only been in the last year or so…that I have found out how amazing she is… She was the first voice I heard when I woke in the morning and the last voice I heard before I laid my head down to sleep….we would even fall asleep on the phone…not wanting to hang up… She was my strength … my rock…. I could tell her anything!

I was an ass this past December right before New Years…even when she literally saved my life. On Christmas Eve, I started writing a suicide note for who ever would find me…and pass it along to be read at my funeral. I started writing at eight pm. and I was finishing up at just pass four Christmas morning…. I neatly arranged the envelopes on my table… took a shower and laid down with my dagger…. with tears flowing down my face… I raised the knife in the air when my cell rang. It was Char… I hid my sniffles the best I could and wished her a Merry Christmas. I could not tell if she knew I had been crying…but what she did next was the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me in my whole life…. She ask me if I wanted to share her Christmas with her and her children. Even though it was only via phone… it was the best Christmas I had ever had. I still have those letters I wrote… and I will always remember that day for the rest of my life.

A week later we were to move in together… even though she was closer to me than anyone in my life… I still had not told her about my being Transgender. I could not let anything ruin our friendship… and instead of just telling her… I did what I always do when someone loves me… I pushed her away…. I hurt her very deeply and I felt horrible…but I would rather blame myself for pushing her away than have the only person on this earth that loved me…reject me because I was Transgender and to tell you the truth… I didn’t feel like I deserved to be happy…. I still feel that way to this day!!

Today we reconnected…and just like we had done before…spent most of the day texting each other and talking on the phone like we never lost a step…and it was wonderful!!!! Just like in the past, I didn’t want to say good night… I have missed my friend so much…. and I feel so bad for how I treated her… I do not deserve such a friend… I truly don’t…

So here I am…. three am. in the morning with tears running down my cheeks and dry blood on both of my arms from cutting…

I do not want to hurt my friend again… and even though this has been the first really good day I have had since we last spoke December 31st. I don’t want to wake up in the morning… I would rather die having had this one last happy day with her, than risk losing my best friend again…

Why can’t I just go to sleep and never wake up?

My days are numbered and so…

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Tue, 10 May 2011 02:58:00 +0000

I am sorry it has been over a week since I have posted a Blog. I have been in and out of Doctor appointments and getting MRI’s, which I hate ! This morning it felt like the huge magnets were going to tear my head apart !!! Not fun at all… I had to get a MRI of my head because there is a tumor sitting on my Pituitary Gland and they are monitoring it.

I wrote a note on my Facebook today after I received a direct message on Twitter that stated, “i think it be best if we keep our friendship surface level.” I really do not have time in my life with Breast Cancer and a Brain Tumor to waist on “surface level” friends…. am I wrong for this ?

Here was my note:

Are we friends ? please read if you are not sure !

I try and learn something new about myself every day... on that same note, "people" tend to revile themselves to me everyday as well... either verbally or by their actions... or inactions... I happen to be going through a period in my life harder than any other I have had to endure. More than any war, or conflict... I have cut myself off from any "outside" pain... I swallowed it all up internally... However, one thing I can not deal with, and never have been able to deal with... is rejection... personal rejection brings me more pain than all of my negative experiences put together! I am who I am... and I will not change that for anyone. I see the world in black and white, and to me, the grey area promotes drama and bullshit... I refuse to live in that zone... nor will I walk on eggshells anymore... I have wasted too much of my life walking on eggshells... If we are mere "surface level" friends... this is not the place for you... feel feel to follow me on Twitter @Dennysworld but I am saving this place "Facebook" for "true" friends... and if you have to think for one moment about if we are "surface level" or true friends, then this is not the place for you. Twitter, YouTube, fine... but not here... This is a place for the friends I love and who love me...

Was that mean ? I look at it this way… I may have a very short time left on this earth… I want to be surrounded by people who love me… is that so wrong ? I need “True” dependable friends at this point in my life and I do not have the energy to waist on “surface level” friends…

I will delete the people on my Facebook that do not consider me a “True” friend…I posted on my Facebook today that: “I am not here for a “popularity contest” and it’s true… I could care less if I only have 5 or 6 friends on Facebook, as long as they are friends I love and that love me…

This is going to be a short Blog tonight…and for that I apologizes… I am not feeling too well today and I am going to bed early tonight…

Peace and Love to all of you !!!

Zoe Page

What can I say? This is my life!

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 02 May 2011 21:11:00 +0000

Make no mistake… if we were ever really friends or close, I suspect you would know this by now. For the rest of you, I am reviling this very personal part of my life only to prevent idol gossip and future bullshit. I will rephrase; If you care about me and we are close, then most likely you are already privy to this information. However, if we are mere acquaintances, this is most likely going to blow your mind and to be honest, I really do not care what you may think about this newfound information. I am merely trying to just let the world know and continue with my life. This isn’t about you… this is for me…. I will ***REPEAT*** This ISN’T ABOUT YOU ! If I sound pissed off… I am… because, I should not have had to wait this long to let the people I love know about this. If you are merely a avid blog reader, my attitude was not meant for you.

What do you expect??? Fagots are rude assholes….right? That’s what my own Mother thinks of me. You know, the Mother who left my sisters and I with the babysitter and took off for years with no word. Left us with a psychotic asshole I warmly called dad… may he rot in hell ! But that is another Blog all together.
I am here to let you in on my life.. hell, I am even throwing in my medical condition for shits and giggles; more because I had already tweeted about it. Some of you might say or think: why is he even telling us all this? *Knock Knock on your head* this is not about you! With that….here we go.

I was born a poor black man in Cleveland, Ohio… well, I now have an idea of the injustice the American Black community has dealt with… Now before you say: Denny is off his rocker again…. Let me start off with this:

I am a Proud, Transgender, Transsexual and have been my whole life. This is in no way, a result of my abusive childhood. I knew this about myself since I was five years old. I have been actively Transitioning since January of this year. I have also been on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) since February of this year. I take on a daily basis: 200mg of Spiro (Testosterone Blocker), 4mg of Estradiol (Estrogen) and 10mg of Finasteride (Testosterone Blocker). I am taking these medications because I am Transitioning (physically changing my gender) from Male to Female. I have been in Therapy for my Transition since 1998. I am currently shopping for a (FFS surgeon) FFS: a highly aggressive form of facial-bone reconstructive surgery for transsexual women. The aim of FFS surgery is to eliminate or reduce many of the cross-gender-related deformities of the facial bones caused by late-pubertal testosterone masculinization in MtF transsexuals, in other words; a surgery to give me a female face. I am currently going through electrolysis to remove all of my body hair. I am also on track for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) by 2015.

My recent medical condition I spoke of in my last Blog is something in which I was not going to speak of for a while but, since I am telling you about my Transition, why not tell you everything. I started to have pain in my nipples first (which is typical) for starting HRT. As the pain continued and worsened I went to the doctor to make sure it wasn’t serious. After MRI’s and a biopsy, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. The good thing is that I caught it early, the bad news is that my grandmother died from Breast Cancer.

So now you know… as I stated before: I will not tolerate judgment or ridicule of any kind. Do not get all Holier than thou… and say I am being punished for my sins. Again, If you feel that this newfound information about myself is in ***ANY WAY*** beyond the spectrum of your tolerance in continuing a friendship or acquaintance with me… by all means… don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of my life… and do so quickly… Life is to short!
I will be more than happy to answer any questions you may have for me. Please feel free to leave comments as well. Spread the news because I do not want to have to go through this every other day.

Till next time my friends…. much love!

Are you sure you really want to know?

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 02 May 2011 16:50:00 +0000

My first viewer Poll ended yesterday and wouldn’t you know it…. There was a tie between a Personal Experience and Sexual Experience. My question to all of you who voted…”Are you sure you really want to know?” I ask this because, there are very few people who know me to my core, and if I write this next Blog I am going to combine both; Personal and Sexual Experience and share with all of you my true essence. Fair ***warning*** those of you who think you know me and those of you who knew me back in High School, the Army, or even Family for that matter, are in for some “real” revelations to my true self. I feel that is very important and necessary to finally revile myself in a way only very few people were privy to.

I will write my first “tell all” About me: this afternoon and post it this evening. ***Please Note*** I will not tolerate judgment or ridicule of any kind. If you feel that this newfound information about myself is in ***ANY WAY*** beyond the spectrum of your tolerance in continuing a friendship or acquaintance with me… by all means… don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of my life… and do so quickly… Life is to short, and with my newly found medical condition (which will be revealed in due time) I have not the patients, nor the will, to shade myself to the world anymore. Love me, or Hate me… I live in a very Black and White world…. get use to it and enjoy the ride.

Till this evening my friends….

I would like to personally and publically thank: Paris Scarlett Lees, who gave me the foresight, courage and strength through demonstration and Mentorship to “Just Do It” Thank you so much Paris xxx

I am doing better…

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 05:02:00 +0000

I just wanted to do a quick blog to let everyone know that I am doing better… a few people voiced their concern that I had not written a blog in a few days and that they were worried about me. Thank you all for your concern !!!!

The day following my last blog was a total blank to me… I had a dissociative episode and I remember nothing of that day. I realized that when I came out of this last episode, that I had friended someone on Facebook and now I have no idea who she is, let alone where I found her. She seemed like a sweet person so I thanked her for adding me and kept her as a friend because I was too embarrassed to say…. “hey I was in a dissociative state when I added you, and now I have no idea who you are.” Has anyone else ever been through this? This is very scary to me!

Yesterday was a better day, however I did not want to jinx the day by blogging about it, I have a tendency of doing that; as soon as I blog about something good in my life…it turns to hell in a hand basket the very moment it posts; So I waited till tonight to write about what had happened and that yes, in fact I am doing better.

It is 12:57 am and I am actually tired, which is a good thing I hope… I say that because I do not want to spiral down into a deep depression. I tend to do that after a dissociative episode… and sometimes it takes weeks to recover from. Not fun at all, especially since summer is right around the corner and at times these deep depressions last for many weeks even months and I would hate to lose my summer only to come out of it just in time for winter…. that would suck !!! I hope all of you are doing well and I send my love !!!!

I would do anything

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 08:58:00 +0000

Why is it always next time, why can’t one solitary thing go my way !!!! Why is it that when I fall in love with someone, I end up pushing them away. Why can’t I be like a “normal” person? What do I have to do ! Why am I so numb to life and revert to cutting just to feel something besides pain. What did I do in my past life to deserve such a life as mine???

I go days without sleep… I can’t seem to escape a single thought. Time flies by while at the same time seems to stand still. I just want it all to stop !!!! If any of you with BPD have any helpful suggestions…. please let me know !!!! I am slowing dying here !!!!

When someone you love turns their back on you !!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 08:34:00 +0000

Not A Sad Post

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 19:16:00 +0000

I promised a friend that I would Blog a Happy Post: Not that I haven’t had happy times in my life, I am sure there have been many. However, recalling those happy times are a lot more difficult than remembering the bad times. Hmmm I am going to have to work on that.

The Curly Haired Blond With Deep Blue Eyes

I remember I was at least five years old and still living in Cleveland. I was bored and my friend that lived across the street was not home. It was Spring time because I can remember it was a bit chilly but I can still see the green buds coming out on the trees.

I cut through the woods, which is today the Plain Dealer Newspaper Building off of I480 which was not there at the time. I had planned on cutting all the way through to John Marshal school to play on the playground, but for some reason I cut up the street before heading towards the baseball fields. I was about halfway up the street when I noticed this acoustic guitar in a garbage can on the devil strip. For those of you who are not familiar with the term “Devil Strip” ; it is the peace of land between the sidewalk and the street. I guess it is an Ohio term because people outside of my area never know what it means.

I picked out the guitar, and there was nothing wrong with it whatsoever to my surprise. It was a little wet because it had just started to rain at that moment but other than that it just needed to be tuned; it even had a shoulder strap. I turned towards the sidewalk; slipped the guitar strap around my neck and strummed a few cords. I had learned a few cords from my cousin Sue; she played the guitar like a pro back then. I turned around and started to walk back to my house because it had started to rain a lot harder at that point. When, from out of nowhere, I heard the most sweetest voice I have ever heard before; she sounded like an Angel. I looked around to try and spot where the voice was coming from, and after scanning the houses I noticed the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my short life. She was sitting on her porch in a chair with blond curly hair and deep blue eyes. I called back to her, “what did you say?” She said again, You can’t take that, it’s not yours. I tried to explain to her that I had got it out of the garbage and there was no reason that I could not take it. She smiled at me and gave me a little wave. I smiled back and as I turned to walk back home, I waved goodbye. The whole way home I could not get her out of my mind. I was in love just from one brief encounter. Who says there is no such thing as love at first sight? I would soon move to Medina and even though she was tattooed in my heart I didn’t think much of her after that.

Twenty years later, I found myself living in Berlin Germany while in the Army. My first night in Berlin the men in my Platoon took me out to get to know each other. We went to the Irish Pub. We took the train and got off at Alexanderplatz, and as soon I got off the train I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, well not since I was five back in Cleveland. I walked up to her; she had deep blue eyes and curly blond hair. Could it be? Could she be that Angle I met when I was five? Stay tuned for my next Blog and find out!

February 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 04:44:00 +0000

Between Blogs I am going to share how I feel the previous Blog has affected my life in a particular way.
This happened while I was taking 18 credit hours of Honor classes. I was given an assignment to write about something in my past. So like an idiot, I chose to write about one of my combat experiences.
I can not seem to locate that paper at this time, but this letter was a direct result of writing it:

***This is from February 2008 so please do not be alarmed***

“I guess it's part of our professional protocol.” I can buy that…I am however a little, well very disturbed about some of questions Dr. Busacca asked me before I left your office the other day. For example, “did you kill anyone in combat?” or “did you see any of your friends die?” It did not hit me until later that evening and really sunk in when you informed me that it was deemed inappropriate for you to have “social” contact with students, which makes sense to me… it really does however, his questions triggered some horrible memories for me…ones that cannot escape my mind. If you are a civilian, there is one thing you must learn if you are to ever connect with those in the military, especially combat veterans who have returned from battle. You will never understand our experiences, and to say that you do is a great insult. Now that is not to say you do not try to ask questions and show veterans that you care. However, note the difference: when a civilian asks a veteran "How many people did you kill?" or "Did you lose anyone you knew?" are you really asking them because you are concerned, or are you really too self-absorbed to know that you just caused them great pain, and reminded them of a hell you would probably not have survived from. Such questions show you are inconsiderate and only awaken the rage in the veteran. A just reaction if you ask me. If you truly care to learn more of what they experienced out of concern or care for the soldier or combat veteran, then you can ask them if they are comfortable talking about the war, and based upon their response, you can ask if they can share something. (Salin)
Breaking ties to someone in whom I was trying to connect with due to similar interests only makes matters worse, protocol, or no protocol. It has made me think long and hard about my present situation and is leaving me with the feeling of NO WAY OUT! One being thorough, especially in this situation, I did a lot of research on the topic and here is what I came up with;
1. We are commonly diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way. As a result, they tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event, and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences. Untreated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can have devastating, far-reaching consequences for sufferers' functioning in relationships, their families, and in society.
2. A combat veteran is more likely to abuse drugs and or alcohol to mask their painful memories of war.
3. We have an extremely high percentage rate for attempting and committing suicide. As many as 18 veterans of American wars take their own lives in the United States every day—more than 6,500 per year. Vietnam veteran advocates have estimated that suicide ultimately killed more of the soldiers who fought in that conflict than the actual war itself. The same trend is now surfacing among the veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq. (Cogan, 2009)
I have no idea about what I am going to do, nevertheless if some unfortunate incident would occur please know I am only making these statements so that you (Beth) or Dr. Busacca do not hold any personal blame for not doing more, you did all that you could. I have been through this too many times…so many in fact I am just tired…tired of the pain, the memories, and not being able to amount to anything past the war. The present is a blur… the past is tattooed in my mind with no escape…and the future…well the future does not hold a place for me in it. My uniform is at my mother’s house and she does not have the best memory so if something does happen please remind her that I would like to buried in it (full dress uniform) and to have my body placed under my father’s grave in the Military Cemetery in Rittman Ohio; it is in my will at the VA. As for my children…fight hell in high water so that my ex reminds my children of the good things I have done and not just the bad or for my failures. These meds have just made things worse and perhaps I should have stayed at the hospital, regardless I would be the same person when I got out, with the same pain and with the same misery. I actually made a list of the pros and cons and the pros lost. I have tried everything I could and the past has taught me that things for me only get worse.
Writing is comforting for me and ironically, this has been easier than I thought. The only reason I am writing to the both of you is that I am afraid…very afraid! If things happen to come out for the good and I wake up alive yet another day I do not want this to tarnish me in any way. I am counting on your confidence and if this turns out to be nothing more than a pity party I DO NOT want this to affect my future if I end up having one. I DO NOT want to be kicked out of school, for this is the only way for me to distract my mind if only for a while. Why send it, you may ask…good question. Use it as a tool to access other combat vets going through what I am, add it to your “professional protocol” hell…have Beth write a book about it, perhaps she could make some money and launch a writing career instead of being cooped up in that office. However, remember this, if it were not for Beth I would have killed myself a long time ago. She happens to treat veterans like people instead of consumers so please think about redefining your “professional protocol.”
This e-mail IS NOT a suicide note! I am simply communicating my present feelings to escape the pain that has been consuming me. This is actually therapeutic and perhaps I may actually get some sleep tonight.
PLEASE!
1. Do not call the police; it really will not matter either way.
2. Do not call the VA; I will call my doctor tomorrow.
3. Do give me time to work through this.
4. Do keep this “in house” where it will not ruin my college career.
If you feel the need to call to make sure I am still alive…feel free…as I stated before I needed to get this on paper and I hope I can trust your confidence.

Why is it so hard just to be yourself?

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 06:26:00 +0000

Introduction time,

Hi, I am Denny and I came into this world way back in 1970 when life was simple or so I thought. I was born in Cleveland Ohio on the West Side. I have three sisters, as I am the youngest. We had strangers living in our home at the ripe age of three. Dad was somewhere on a Manic High and Mom was ushering in transients to cover her daily fix. We, my sisters and I, spent many a night with the Sisters of Annunciation Catholic Church. Hiding from Biker gangs that took over our house or hiding from dad on a rampage, either way it wasn’t fun and it sure wasn’t a home.
By time I was four I had the pleasure, so I thought, of having a really cute babysitter watch me while my sisters were at school and who knows what my parents were doing at the time. All I know is that a very pretty blond was watching me. It was really fun even after she started using me as her personal vibrator. I had no idea what was going on at the time, I was only four years old. All I knew was that she showed me what she wanted me to do and I did it. It was a game to me. How would I ever know any different. She would sit in the chair and spread her legs, her panties were already off. She would guide my head between her thighs and she told me to lick….fast. I soon started having wet dreams at night. This went on for almost a year and she showed me other things to do to her too over the year.
After she stopped being my babysitter at around the age of five. I started to be watched a lot at the church. When the sisters were too busy to watch me; the two Priests: Father Y and Father K would watch me as I was left there for the day sometimes a week at a time by my mother. I remember the first time Father Y sat me atop of the filling cabinet for the first time; It was way up high, well, high to me. He pulled down my pants and my underwear and started kissing me between my legs. Soon after, Father K would join in and they would both take turns sucking on my little wee wee. I was five years old and I had no idea what was going on, I just knew it felt good but bad at the same time. This went on for six months. By the second week I was being sodomised daily. This is getting hard to write about… I will continue tomorrow.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 04:12:00 +0000

Borderline Personality Disorder is one of ten personality disorders recognised by the DSM IV.

A personality disorder is a type of mental illness and to be diagnosed particular criteria must be met. With personality disorders, the symptoms have usually been present for a long time. These symptoms have an overall negative affect on the sufferer’s life.

One of the core signs and symptoms in BPD is the proneness to impulsive behaviour. This impulsiveness can manifest itself in negative ways. For example, self-harm is common among individuals with BPD and in many instances, this is an impulsive act. Sufferers of BPD can also be prone to angry outbursts and possibly criminal offences (mainly in male sufferers) as a result of impulsive urges.

Another common feature of BPD is affective lability. This means that sufferers have trouble stabilising moods and as a result, mood changes can become erratic. Other characteristics of this condition include reality distortion, tendency to see things in ‘black and white’ terms, excessive behaviour such as gambling or sexual promiscuity, and proneness to depression.
(To learn more about symptoms and diagnostic criteria please go to the section on diagnostic criteria.)

These traits can sometimes make it very difficult for a person to maintain a relationship with someone with BPD as their behaviour and actions can be difficult to tolerate and hard to understand. It is important for persons close to a BPD sufferer to educate themselves on the condition so they can empathise with what the sufferer is going through and how they are feeling.

BPD is not usually diagnosed before adolescence. It has been suggested that BPD symptoms can sometimes improve as time goes on or even disappear all together. This is not always the case however as BPD can continue to affect sufferers well into later life.

Traits from other mental illnesses and psychological conditions from the DSM IV can often co-exist in BPD patients. These are usually anxiety disorders, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression).

Is borderline personality disorder a mental illness?
Yes! A mental illness is an illness that affects a person’s behaviour primarily rather than their physical well-being. BPD is considered by medical practitioners to be a severe psychiatric disorder. It is recognised as such by the DSM IV.
Mental illness is often not taken as seriously as physiological illness even though it is very common and can be very debilitating. It is often viewed as moodiness, craziness or a weakness when it is in fact a genuine illness that can be caused by physiological factors. People have as much control over developing a mental illness as they do over catching a cold. Like physical illness, mental illness needs treatment and is not something that someone can just will to go away.
Why the name borderline?
The name borderline was coined by Adolph Stern in 1938. This name was used to describe patients who were on a ‘borderline’ between neurosis and psychosis. However, the symptoms of BPD are not so simplistic as to be defined in terms of neurotic and psychotic. The diagnosis of BPD is based upon signs of emotional instability, feelings of depression and emptiness, identity and behavioural issues rather than signs of neurosis and psychosis. However, the name Borderline has remained even though the definition has changed. Throughout Europe, the same disorder has been given the more appropriate and less misleading title of ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.’
References: BPDWORD
http://www.bpdworld.org/what-is-bpd

Under Construction Launch Date: April 30th. 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Suicide Queen) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 22:24:00 +0000