Daydreams of the Down and Out..

Death by Utility

2012-01-06T12:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just have to laugh it off. This is one of those cases, but it's okay to laugh it off with flare :D

I can not begin to explain the pain and suffering the phone company has brought down upon this house. My husband has spent more time on the phone with them in the past 2 days then he has with me in the past 2 years. They have had him yelling, near crying, maniacally laughing and in a near coma several times. He has talked personally with each and every department employee in several countries world wide (I think he learned a new language?!) He has begged, threatened and bartered- still, the service is horrible. They have messed up our bill at least twice a month (how does that even happen?) They have made promises to come fix wires, then forget to put the order in for days in a row, and never show up. Reception is spotty at best (when there was any at all) and their lack of coordination reflects their lack of commitment to their company. I shouldn't tell you who it is, but I can say that A company should be Trustworthy & Technically sound, not annoyingly unorganized.

That being said, what can I do with the negative feelings I have stored up about said company?... I can fantasize about revenge! My mind is a place that I can entertain scenarios where my bad feelings have an outlet in order to heal (but just for the record, these are just FANTASIES, they are in my mind, just for me!...................... oh, and apparently you.)

* May every load of whites that each employee washes will have a red shirt in it. May all of their underwear be forever pink, and not that cute kind of pink.

*May there be slugs enough for each of them in the Waldorf salad at the next company picnic.

*May there always be toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

*May their tires slowly lose air.

*May their pendulum clocks always squeak.

*May their children always whine about wanting candy.

*May their paycheck always be late.

*May they get ants.

*May they always have a wild hair sticking out of their nose, no matter how much they trim, tuck or pluck.

* May their fridge always be too cold, their freezer too warm.

*May a neighborhood dog take a dump on each and every one of their lawns every morning, and may the dead spot on their grass spell out "crappy service."

*Whenever they need a penny at the gas station, may the "take a penny leave a penny" jar be empty.

and finally:

*May their sexual service to their spouses not exceed the Internet service that they provided to me. May the same goes for their deodorant.

Now, do I feel better? Maybe a little. I am no longer angry and had a little laugh. It's my own personal therapy, and in general is harmless. In all honestly, I don't harbor any ill will to any of them personally, and I wish them happiness and joy forever after...but a big "no thank you" to working with them in the future. A person can only be expected to handle so much!

computerclipart.com

PAIN

2012-01-01T15:05:00.000-06:00

I have no idea how I am doing this. Honestly, I don't know how I get up and do this everyday. I know it seems mellow-dramatic, but living in pain is really hard. You would think if I was a dog or a horse they would have long since put me down.. but here I am . Still working at it (life) through the pain. smiling through the agony. Going through the motions. If anyone could even fathom the half of it, I would surely get an award.

What am I like? I am difficult, sometimes whining, sometimes crying. Usually always grateful (although I don't always show it.) I am miserable, I am thankful, I cherish things more, I sleep too much. I often feel misjudged. I feel alone.

Sometimes I yell at my kids when they do tiny little things wrong. I get annoyed easily (due to the pain.) but I see the future in these kids and soak up every little drop of good because they are my only hope. I tell them how much I love them and I explain how I can't be the mom I want to be for them. They have to do more things for themselves than some other kids, while the guilt eats away at my guts.

I am angry. People can't see my pain or need and they carry on as normal without me. (Um hello, can't you see me struggling here?) Either I keep up or I'm out. I guess I don't look sick? I realize they have lives of their own, but I am sad that I don't fit into them anymore. Perhaps we weren't as close/I wasn't as important to them as I thought I was. I mourn those losses. I am bitter sweet. I am deeply hurt. I am probably asking too much.

I need help. I need even more help. I need more help than I am getting. I have lost dignity. I am uncomfortable. I am aging too fast. I am anxious and afraid. I watch the years tick by and I cry for the waste. I can't keep up. I miss everyone. Especially myself. I miss the sex I used to have. I miss the clean house I once had. I miss the job I used to have. I miss the friends I used to have. I miss the life I used to have.. but mostly I miss the control I used to have. Control over the ability to change it all.

Pain is an evil robber. It steals all the good things in life and leaves a person broken. It's a persons solitary torment that no will ever understand. No one can ever feel your pain, and your very struggle is a solo act that puts you in a production that you never wanted to be a part of. Then suddenly you realize that you are no longer a major player, you are but an extra who is being fazed out. Your mortality comes crashing down on top of you and you stop making long term plans. You realize better than anyone how temporary this life is. You stop caring about the stupid things and see what is really important. God really gets your attention using pain, he knows how to get the job done.

So, why do I continue everyday? Because. I love my kids, I love my husband. I love life. I like the smell of snow. I like the way the water sparkles when the moonlight strikes it. I like chocolate. Sex (although less adventurous) still feels good. When a breeze off the lake catches my hair I still feel exhilarated. Because I know that God wants me to. He wants me to get up and write a stupid blog so that other people who hurt will know they aren't alone. He wants me to pray for people even LESS FORTUNATE than myself, and sadly, there are many.

I will keep getting out of bed in the morning. Yes, I will whine. Yes, I will cry sometimes, but I will still hope for better times because hope is a part of faith and I have to hold on to my faith (or maybe faith has a hold on me.) One way or another I will get through this, and when that last day comes I will probably still not know what it was all about, but I hope I did my best and I hope that it was enough.

I Didn't Think Losing Could Hurt More- Confessions of a Footballers Mom

2011-10-19T12:28:00.002-05:00

He walked off the field. My son. His head lowered, he's holding back the tears. They lost the championship game.

I never knew losing could hurt so much, especially when I wasn't the one who was losing.

Why the pit in my stomach- it's as if I had just been punched! I thought sports were for fun? I don't even LIKE football.. but he wanted it so bad, so I wanted it for him. I cheered and screamed and did my best from the sidelines, but the stars weren't aligned and it hurts more than I thought it could.

God I love that boy. He can really drive me nuts but I have genuine pride that swells up when I look at him. Seeing him in his uniform, he is really something special. Someone special. I want to get it all for him. Everything. The championship, and the world wrapped up in the moon. Everything he wants. If he wants to fly- I want that too! But now the other team is cheering and it eats me up inside.

Of course you brush it off tomorrow and you start the new day off fresh, but how do I sleep tonight?

If I really love him I suppose I have to let him feel his own pain, or else I am robbing him of life experiences. This is one of many steps to teaching him how to be a man, right? It's how the real world works. You don't always get what you want.. but you will have me cheering in the wings!

Then I realize that it isn't the getting him everything he wants that is the "gift." The gift was the being there to share it all with him, win or lose.

Still, it is painful for me.. but I'll live to be a football mom (or a soccor mom, or a wrestling mom, or...God only knows what next) once more. I'll walk it off :D

It's TMI..

2011-10-16T01:02:00.001-05:00

And no it's not what you think.
There are too many distractions. Too much TV. Too many phones. The radio, the wii, the gameboy, the streaming of this, the downloading of that. What are people supposed to do with all this information? Seriously, I have no idea (but I'm pretty sure it's going to kill me.)
Am I the only one who feels overwhelmed?

I know you were mislead by the title and you were expecting something juicy.. so as a consolation prize I'll tell you my bra size..... *#! BIG!#*

12 ideas to keep nature in your heart all winter long

2011-10-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

Being touch with nature is important to me. I often feel a need to reconnect and dig my heels in. But in the long Wisconsin winter months I find it harder to do this, I'm sure I'm not alone. This is a list of a dozen things, some I have been doing for years and a few I'd like to try. Feel free to add your own ideas below in my comments section.

12 ideas to keep nature in your heart all winter long

1. Open your windows. Not sure how fresh air gets fresh, but whatever that entails, I like it. It brings life back into the home. It clears out stale, dusty air and replaces it with fresh smelling "nature." Easy, affordable and healthy. Even in winter open a window for a few minutes. The fresh air is refreshing.

2. Hang your clothes out to dry on a clothesline. Get a clothes rack, that works too. Let the fresh air into your clean clothes and the smell is AMAZING! As a kid one of the fondest memories in the summer was Mom announcing that we had "clean sheets tonight." I'd be freshly bathed and have wet hair and I'd climb into bed and the smell of those fresh sheets lulled me to sleep every time with a smile on my face. It was like magic! Perhaps the summer shouldn't have a monopoly on hanging out clothes. I remember my mom hanging clothes outside in the winter and when she would take them down they would be all stiff and frozen. When she brought them in they dried the rest of the way really fast over the back of chairs or doors. They smelled so good. I am thinking of trying this with my blankets this winter. I don't think it's practical to try this for all of my clothes, but blankets and sheets might just pay off in rewards of fresh air and dreamy smells.

3. Grow something. Watching something grow from a seed to a plant is miraculous every time. How does the seed know what to become? How does it happen so fast? "It's nature." I have planted some flowers and veggies in cups and put them on our window sill in Feb. The kids love watching them grow and it gave me the patience I needed while waiting for spring because the promise of spring was growing right in front of me. The bigger they got, the realization occurred to me that I would soon be planting them in the ground, and it made waiting seem easier.

4. Walk. Even in the winter. Wear the appropriate gear and especially footwear and then go for a walk. No one likes being cold, but remember when you need it nature is out there. Keep it short and sweet. The snow sparkles in the streetlights as you walk. The sky gets that lavender shade and is illuminated by the lights of the city. If your in the country you can see for miles as the moon shines over the seemingly endless snow. The air has a smell like no other, and now and again you get the smell of a wood stove and for me memories start bouncing in my mind. Birds fly over head.. it's magical. Be safe and make sure someone knows you are out there, and be careful not to slip!

5. Feed the birds. I hang a bird feeder outside of my window and I love to watch the birds come, especially in winter. So many varieties come to eat, they are so fun to watch. I wonder how they can stand to live out there in the frigid air, but it's what they have evolved to do. It's nature, and I love watching it.

6. Try a winter sport. If you have kids, this will be easy. Take them to the rink. Take them ice fishing. Take them cross country skiing. Sledding is an obvious choice! Even if you can't participate, watching is fun! Helps you get in a little fresh air and kills cabin fever.

7. Go for a drive. I love doing this. Sadly, now that gas has gotten expensive it isn't always an option so I I make the most out of my drive to the grocery store or the dentist. But how I love those Sunday drives! The sun on the landscape, the trees and the wildlife, and even if it's cold I crack a window so I can smell the fresh air. It's certainly a luxury for some of us, but it's well worth the gas money for the renewal in your spirit.

8. Don't forget to breath. A friend of mine once told me (after I told her I had lost touch with nature) that the best way to regain contact was to sit in a quiet area outside on the ground. Push all of the air out of our lungs, and then breathe deep. Continue to breathe deep letting that air become not only all around you, but inside of you. That air is nature. That air is inside of you. It is now a part of you. You are a part of nature. YOU ARE NATURE! We have to remember not to get too far away from nature because we ARE nature. We just need a quiet place to remind ourselves.

9. Eat fresh. Fresh foods are alive. Canned foods are, well, less than alive. If you can eat whole fresh foods, nature is in your kitchen and renewing your body. It's the best for us! If you feel good physically, you feel good mentally. This raises our spirits!

10. If you have a fireplace, light a fire. On cold nights nothing beats getting cozy! Since the beginning of time people have been fascinated with watching fire. It must warm our bodies and our souls. If you have that luxury, use it, and better yet, share it! Invite someone to come get cozy with you. Serve popcorn and hot chocolate. Yum. (You know my number, right ;)

11. Make a snowman. There is no other time of year where you can shape water into anything you desire! Feel the cold beneath your hands, that is water. It's been rain and clouds, it's nature! Get close to it. Hug nature!

12. When all else fails and you can't get outside, think about nature. Watch a good nature movie, read a book about nature. Listen to nature sounds on your MP3 player. All in all if we keep our mind focused on the fact that soon the snow will melt and we will once again feel the warm earth beneath our feet, winter wont' seem as long
.

Winter doesn't have to make us crazy. We can stay connected to the earth and each other with a little extra effort. Open your mind, your heart and your soul up to what winter has to offer. Here's to a great winter for us all! Keep your feet dry and make sure to take your vitamin D!

Holiday exchange for the down and out..

2011-10-07T10:16:00.001-05:00

me in Ireland in 1998, possibly again in the future?

Somewhere in Italy some ~~idiot~~ person is complaining about their boring old view of those "stupid vineyards" or the Atlantic. What he or she has forgotten to appreciate, I am all too eager to take a crack at. Did you ever think about doing a "home exchange?" For me I'm thinking it's the only way to go.

If you don't know what I am talking about then you you have never seen the movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black. Kate and Cameron (not their movie names) swap houses for Christmas vacation and their lives change dramatically because of it (I'll stop there, I don't want to reveal too much :P)

So although I am not Cameron Diaz, I do from time to time dream of an amazing holiday on limited funds where I can relax and unwind without shelling out half a million dollars for hotels. Enter "home exchange." There is this web site that can help you find another person/family in a part of the world you would like to visit, for instance, Italy, and hook you up with their house for a week or two- in exchange for- wait for it- yours. Amazing, right? Of course you might want to hide your panties and your good silver (yeah, as if I have good silver) (or good panties for that matter) but mostly you can rest easy knowing that although they are in your house touching your stuff, you are in their house touching their stuff and that is where the mutual respect is supposed to come into play.

So, this is the web site. http://www.homeexchange.com/ Just punch in what your looking for and who your traveling with, and bingo boingo, your hooked up. You can choose kids, no kids, pets, no pets, you can choose to share your car or not. You get to make all the choices.. Location, amenities, smoking or non smoking, (you can even have the other person take care of your pets while your gone), plants or no plants (same for plants). I am sure people talk online and decide if the other family is the type of family they are comfortable with etc. first. Why didn't people think of this sooner? (I love the internet) I think it is an amazing idea!

One problem.. all of these people have MANSIONS. (So even the rich need cheap vacations? It really is a recession!) Look at some of these places. MY GOD! Some come with SERVANTS! Look at this: http://www.homeexchange.com/show.php?id=99133 My house is far from a mansion. Somebody would walk in the door and laugh and say "I got the short end of the stick." But still, it is still a fun goal to get your house all fixed up for an exchange. It is a better investment than a vacation the old way because when you come back, you still get to enjoy your investment.

Imagine me on the beach, all for the price of a plane ticket and food I can prepare in "my own" kitchen. I think I have to do more research on this subject, but it's definitely in the back of my mind for future exploration. I'll let you know when I find someone who wants to exchange for this.. it might be awhile:

view from my front door, yes that is my rocking baby blue Ford Taurus wagon you'll be trading your Mercedes for... what of it?

Digging it up and dusting it off

2011-10-06T10:57:00.000-05:00

I know this blog can't and won't apply to everyone, but I think most of us can find some truth inside.

I find it impossible to live up to my mothers high standards of motherhood. What she found important doesn't matter much to me. She never let us leave the house with a dirty face. I figure "hey, when else can you wear a chili dog on your face and have no one say anything?" She never let us get dirty. I figure "why not waltz around Salzburg wearing nothing but a bunch of old drapes?" My house is usually quite "lived in" and food is sometimes chicken nuggets and a cookie (I swear, not that often) but one thing that I have not let slide is the quality of love that she always extended to us.

My mother loved us. Plain and simple. I may not have always liked it, and I definitely didn't always tell her, but she really truly loved us. No matter what else she did after that- it was usually forgivable. So she was annoying sometimes. So she condemned my room once, taping it shut in a grand gesture to "teach me a lesson" about cleanliness. So she p*ssed me off once when I was 30 something (I mean 29.) She really really loves us, and that is something I WILL live up to with my kids. If they do something stupid, if they embarrass me, if they fail a class, if they rob a bank- I will still love them. This I learned from my mother. I let this important lesson sink in.

Too many people put conditions on their love, but I ask this: If you can turn it on and off, is it even love in the first place? What would you call that? Not love. But this isn't a lecture about how to be a better mother, it's a crazy lady's blog about her mother having unconditional love for her.

Now, here is where the hard part happens. How do I extend the courtesy back to her? I think most of us would admit that our mother's drive us crazy. They love to judge our lifestyle, they like to guilt trip us into doing things or NOT doing things. They rate our parenting, our clothes, our spouse and our job. It's hard to love that woman sometimes! Sometimes you think about buying her a one way ticket to somewhere without telephones (and toilet paper, just to watch her squirm).. but in the end you gotta love her. After all, hasn't she done that for you?

Loving doesn't mean that you can't set up boundaries. Loving doesn't mean you have to let yourself or your kids be abused. Loving doesn't mean supporting bad behavior. Loving doesn't always mean liking, but loving means just what it implies- loving, loving and respecting and allowing for dignity.

As with any strained relationship sometimes we have to remind ourselves how it all began. You were helpless in her arms and she looked down on you, you were completely helpless, naked and alone. She kept you clean, made sure you were fed, made sure you were safe. She did the best she could at that moment in her life. Remember when you thought she could do no wrong? Remember being 100% loyal to her, and sticking up for her when someone pointed out some sort of flaw? Where did that feeling go? As we grew we became less appreciative, more demanding. We got this sense of "entitlement" that made us forget that there are mothers out there who DIDN'T love their children. Mothers who left their children in garbage cans or on the side of the road. We decided somewhere along the line that her love wasn't as important or as valuable as it was when we were helpless. I think we were wrong, we are on the wrong path. We are throwing her love away, but not usually before crumpling her up first.

Flash forward. I Picture a world without her. As a woman I have friends who have already lost their moms. From what I understand it is a completely different world when you are an orphan. NO ONE loves you like your mother does except God, and it is a cold world when you can't pick up that phone and hear that soft voice that once soothed your crying. I don't like to sit and worry about the future, but I do want to remember what is important in this world, and what is important to me is family, and it all began with the person who first taught me what love was. Like it or not, she ensured for my children that I would know how to love them- unconditionally.

I have decided to look at my mother in a new light. I have stopped looking at her with the ungrateful eyes of a teenager and started seeing her again from the view on her lap, looking up instead of down. I try to appreciate her wisdom as she is 20 years older than me (seriously, is that all? Only 20 years?) She still drives me nuts, but I try to have patience and give her that unconditional love back. There are only 2 people on earth who love you like that besides God. Your mother and perhaps your children. I will respect her and love her even when it hurts- the way I hope my children will love me when they are grown.

When I hug her I hold her for an extra few seconds and actually stop to feel her cheek against mine. I remember. It's still in me.

Next week I'll work on loving my mother in law. One crazy woman at a time ;)

Rising above the pain

2011-10-04T10:20:00.001-05:00

It's no secret that pain is a part of my life. I suffer. I guess it's my thing? I mean, I may as well claim it. It's claimed me. My health problems have done all but kill me these last 9 years.. so how do I keep the smile on my face? Well, I'm not sure. Sometimes there isn't a smile. But the important thing is that sometimes there is, and I have to stay grateful for that. If nothing else I delve deep into my childhood psyche and talk about bodily functions. In my house there is never a shortage of kids willing to talk about boogers or something. That is a boon for me. Nothing like a good green joke. But beware. Pretending you have a booger on your finger before you touch your daughter's hair- FAIL. The little drama queen will never let you live it down.

Music keeps me smiling. It also keeps me young. Just when I think I've had all the pain I can handle I switch on something old (or something new) and my spirit is once again whole. I like to first listen to something old (makes me feel young again) and then something new (makes me feel cool.) Throw a new outfit on top of that and it seriously brings me back from the brink.

If all else fails the next logical step is sex or chocolate. Either one. They are both good. I have never tried them together yet. I am saving that for something really big. Pretty sure they could walk up to my casket and offer me sex and chocolate and I would stand up and say "of course!"

And, if you can't please the body, nurture the soul. Pray. Here is what I've learned... whining to God about how crappy your life is....ineffective. Praying for those who are also suffering, those wrongfully imprisoned, those starving, abused children, victims, the lonely- EFFECTIVE. God already knows what you need. He has no use for words. He knows your hurting (sometimes more emotionally than physically.) Stop to let him know you care about others. It's love. It's healing. Let your very human spirit bring you healing. We all know our body is going to eventually give in and give out, but don't let pain take your soul with it.

Hang with me

2011-10-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

So as you know, migraines are actually something evil trying to kill us from inside our brains.. so yeah, they are doing a thorough job over here at my place. It's been 2 days of straight extreme motion sickness with headache and "electrocution" in my head and neck. I pretty much wish everyone else in the house would move into the garage as I can't take the sound of them talking (I'm climbing the walls) but I hope to be back writing blogs real soon. Hang in there with me.

I'm there in the rain

2011-09-27T23:09:00.000-05:00

I walked in the rain yesterday. The wet smells of fall were amazingly crisp- the grass, the fallen leaves, the rain on the streets. I walked down the alley ways for a different view. From the alley you can see how people really live. The front is all trimmed and mowed, flowers and such. The back is where you see the junk. The things laying up against people's garages. Old furniture. Boats, campers, trampolines. The firewood, the bikes, the picnic tables and lawn chairs. I get to wondering if they ever sit out there or if they don't find the time. Some have swing sets for the kids. Some sand boxes have weeds, some clothes lines are saggy with lots of use. You can practically see the people and imagine the children playing. Almost smell the fires from the fire pits rising up- but it is raining and everyone is in the house. I am alone, left to imagine the possibilities, the way I like it. The less people I see the more I relax. People might ruin the fantasy of what I have imagined, might shatter the dream of who they are in my mind.

These houses are much like many in America. Put into small city blocks in a small town. I imagine what it was like before TV. Before telephone and radio. People had to actually talk to each other to find companionship. It probably seemed like camping. I can nearly feel the ghosts of what once were, I imagine first the fifties. little girls in white little dresses throwing balls, then the forties with those cars that had ah-oo-gah horns and the boys in those news boy hats. The twenties with the dirt roads muddy in this rain and farther back yet. The horses on the streets, and the smells of all the fires in the stoves making three squares a day. The gossip and the talks on the porches of those ladies in ankle length dresses (how was that practical for cleaning?). Now we live in their houses. Wonder what that is like for them, or if they even bothered to notice?

A Few Movie themes that give me goosebumps

2011-09-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

Last of the Mohicans
http://youtu.be/ygNuRpwZqRU

The Piano
http://youtu.be/hdWLwRexMRA
Dances with Wolves
http://youtu.be/KHvKviaeulg
Tombstone
http://youtu.be/e6wwMCZhIV0
Man in the Iron Mask
http://youtu.be/RBfvCN47XyQ
Pride and Prejudice
http://youtu.be/co1-GiL-pJA
The Secret of Roan Inish
http://youtu.be/4m2TEs6yZvY
Pirates of the Carribean
http://youtu.be/4LZcMv0H1bI

One has to appreciate what these soundtracks bring to these movies.

"Do not go gentle into that good night!" D.T.

2011-09-26T14:16:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I ponder life. I suppose my life hasn't been the worst thus far, nor has it been the easiest. I have learned some hard lessons and lost some people I love, some to death, and some in other ways. I have scraped together an existance with it's highs and lows, laughed cried and everything in between. Made many mistakes and had many triumphs. What is it all about?

Although contemplating the meaning of life might be nice, I think this is more meant to be a call to those of us approaching a certain age, that age when we are done caring who or what is popular, done worrying what brand of clothes we have in the closet, done wondering what we should rebel against next. We are slightly shell shocked and we realize that this isn't a test run or a game. This is the real thing! This is LIFE. Yep, that's what it is, and with new clarity- as we enter this certain age (which is different for everyone) I would like to think we realize more of what it's all about..

There have been more than one time I have wondered "what did I get my kids into by having them? Because of my selfishness in being desperate for joy I have brought them here destined to suffer." Yes, they will also have joy, but everyone has pain, right? Then the answer came to me. It came in a soft feeling, the kind of sensation where I was sure God was speaking to me (not using words) and then the "knowledge" he gave me came. He "said" stop worrying about it. If I hadn't had them, someone else would have- because God created them, he wanted them to exist and he allowed me to be their mother because he hoped I would do a good job. Me being a confessed control freak, this was hard for me to accept that perhaps it wasn't all under my control. But now, now I understood.

Parenting has taught me more than anything about the meaning of life. Here is the helpless being dropped in my lap. There is so much care needed, so many choices to be made, each one shaping who this person becomes. They are dependent on me for their very survival! I'd do anything for these little people. But I realize that EVERYONE is someone's baby. Don't we all deserve to be treated this way? Don't we all have this much value? It hits me....(huge moment) Shouldn't we be taking care of each other? *Gasp* That is it, isn't it? Of course I was told that in Sunday school, but I had to grow up and actually learn it for myself. I had to understand the whys.

So here we are, all grown up and realizing that the meaning of life is to help each other. Help every one of us survive the best we can with caring and comfort, dignity and love- mostly love. If we can find it in our hearts to love, then we can make a difference. So how, some say, can I love people I don't even know? Pray about it, that's what I do. Pray to love these people, although some are annoying and many are ignorant, pray for patience first, and then love.

  How can you make a difference, really actually make a difference in our world? I'm not sure, but here is what I am doing.. I am starting at home. If I raise my children to be conscious of what is going on around them, to be empathetic with people, to be active in standing up for what they believe in- if I could do nothing more than this, then I have done more than most.

I sign petitions. It costs me nothing but gives backing to those people out there who are actually doing something tangible, and they need help because it takes real courage to stand up for something you believe in. It takes time away from loved ones and lots of energy. Lets help these folks out by patting them on the back and telling them your behind them, strengthen their spirit!

Donate things. Donate used clothing or items to charity. If you have lots of money, great, donate money to your favorite cause. If you don't, don't lose heart. In this materialistic world we sometimes forget there is more to us than money. Donate time. Time is invaluable. It is free yet is the biggest commitment. We are essentially donating pieces of our lives. Serve supper at a soup kitchen, ring the Salvation Army bell, volunteer at the hospital. (Yep, all cliche but still important.) Now, on a smaller scale, help your sister out with her kids if she is having a bad day. Make supper for a sick neighbor. Talk an online friend through a hard moment. Try to be inspiration to someone feeling blah. Minister to someones spirit. Teach someone something. Show someone compassion. Keep the elderly company. Hold a hand. Make a blanket for a homeless guy. These are all important ways we can help and if everyone did it, we would all have a higher quality of life.

Keep on top of things happening in the world. I know it's hard, especially with kids, but we need to be aware of what is going on. WE are our countries checks and balances. VOTE!

Pray for guidance. This is probably the most important. Pray to be in the right place at the right time to do good for someone when they need the most.

I'm no saint. I try and sometimes I fail, but the good is in the trying.

If more and more of us come to the realization about the meaning of life, the big secret that we need to Love each other, the world will get softer and gentler. If it doesn't happen, we just reach farther, try harder, love more. .  "

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Dylan Thomas.

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15377

Ponderations (Is that a word? If not it should be.)

2011-09-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

There are questions that trouble my mind now and then. Here are a few off the top of my head:

1. Why does my obese dog feel the need to tank up the stairs to eat the cat food? Isn't it just easier to eat her own food downstairs? She knows she's not supposed to be upstairs period, she know's I'm gonna be mad. I mean, geez.

2. Why do flies buzz my face? Does my head have a gravitational pull or are they just suicidal?

3. Why do people call when my baby is sleeping, we are eating, I'm in the bathroom or we are trying to have sex? It never fails. They never call any other time. (Is someone tipping them off?) Usually they call while the baby is sleeping AND I'm in the bathroom, or another combination of the aforementioned variants.

4. I had a recipe for pulled pork. It called for tomato juice, Worcestershire sauce, and onions. I used a jar of salsa, some soy sauce and onion powder. Is this an issue?

5. Why can't my sons control the "stream"? I've asked. There has been polite descriptions and finally a demonstration (thanks honey) but still, pee where no pee should be. What is it going to take? I wave the white flag.

6. How long was that booger stuck to my chest? It had to be awhile. It was long enough to get crusty and hard and to be solidified to my skin, but how long had I been wearing it like a brooch? (maybe I don't want to know this one..) (PS, I love being a mother in cold and flu season)

Only God Nose

2011-09-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

God is great and all knowing, but not sure what he had in mind when he gave me my nose. I smell everything. It's not just when I'm pregnant either (some women experience heightened smell during pregnancy.) For me, it's all the time. I usually walk in the front door and the first thing out of my mouth is "what is that smell?" Our home was built in 1884 and we live in the muggy mid-west so our house smells old. It smells like basement and attic all mixed into one. *Ew*

Last year we had a squirrel chew it's way into our home, eat our poison, and then die up in our wall. (The nerve of him, right?) The smell was awful! Putrid! We had to cram newspapers in all the air ducts and burn candles non-stop.. we went so far as to throw a billion moth balls in the crawl space making the whole house smell like my granny's panties. That was a long 3 months for me. My tongue got sore from the constant apologizing and explaining what happened to every person who stopped by. At least I lost weight because the smell was so horrible I couldn't stomach anything.

The madness continues in public.

Yesterday we went to our Chiropractor's office, it was a gray wet day outside. We came in the door and I instantly smelled a nasty smell. I am trying to be quiet and polite while still maintaining this conversation with my husband:

I say "What is that smell?"

He says "What?"

I say "It smells musty."

He says "Huh?"

I say slightly louder "IT SMELLS MUSTY"

and he says "I smell?"

and I say "no, it smells MUST-Y"

He says "I smell like butt stink?"

I just stop and stare at him. How is this guy allowed to leave the house without a smelling nose dog, or a hearing ear dog? Seems unfair that he can't smell anything or hear anything while I sit here with all the senses he doesn't have. But alas, that is for God to figure out, not me. Maybe I'll be able to sniff out and snuff out the next great fire in Chicago?

So actually, I do stop to smell the roses (it's a nice break from stink that insists on following me.)

"what does an 80 year old dead guy have on me?"

2011-09-20T16:38:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I heart the fab four. The Beatles have held a special place in my heart since I listened to my Mom's old Beatle records on rainy afternoons while everyone else was Wang Chunging. Each of them are so talented, especially John Lennon who' songs have touched me deeply. Who hasn't whiled away an hour or two (a day) (okay a week) fantasizing about having John Lennon's love child? I'm the first to admit it, but alas, I'm no Yoko Ono and this isn't 1968 so get on with it, right?

So I grew up and had 5 children. By the time I came to name my fourth I thought "this is really getting challenging." Even if there is a name I thought I could holler off my front porch every night for 18+ years without getting sick to my stomach, there certainly isn't 5. Then your 5th is born. I am starting to think "I can be a little self indulgent while naming this one" so I tell my husband I want to name this baby after John. I gently push the issue asking for an answer every couple months. Tick tock Month 5, hubby is silent. Month 6, he grunts. Month 8, he's desperate to come up with something better. By month nine he reluctantly gives in. Yay me! I get my way!

Now the influx from family and friends of baby Beatle gear. Beatle lullabies, Beatle clothing, Beatle Jewelry, Beatle books. It's like people finally realize for the first time that I have a deep undying love for the Beatles (and I'm loving every minute of it!) Hubby is a great sport, he puts up with the songs, the cards, the name inquiries and the "as in John?" comments every time.. I try to play it cool, for his sake and point out what a special middle name (that he picked out) that the baby has..

Then the other night- the straw that broke the camels back: The baby looks up at my life size John Lennon wallpaper on my computer and says "Da Da." OMG! Laughing (but still secretly fantasizing!) Hubby says nothing but I can see a look, a sad and serious look on his face. I could sense this wouldn't go over well. I actually feel sorry for him, poor guy. First I get to feel the baby kick, then I get to name him, then I get to breastfeed, then the baby wants me not him, then the baby says mama first.. NOW THIS? I knew this wouldn't be going over well (the poor guy feels left out!)... but he says nothing. I let it go.

Life goes on and a few days passed. When I think it has all blown over and the irk has washed away with time (I myself still thinking it's adorable) I say "That was funny the other day when baby called John Lennon daddy" he stops and he looks at me. "that hurts." (serious sad look on his face.) "I'm his daddy, not some 80 year old dead guy." How did I know this was coming? If he ever once in the last six months regretted okaying the name, this would have been it. He looks so sad, yet why do I still feel like laughing? Of course I didn't. (I'm in love with him after all, not John Lennon.)

Men, they are more sensitive than we think. They want to be the first in our lives and their baby's lives, and you've got to love them- even if their singing voice is less than soothing, and even if they can't write a sophisticated facebook status much less an Emmy winning song. We have to give them their due ..

So three cheers for my good sport! My patient patient hubby and little Lennon Yeats :)

So, would I take back the name? Nope.. but I'll make it worth his while.. some how ;) Just not tonight, I still have a headache.