Metamorphosis

A Broken Record: StS Challenge Day 21

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 02:57:00 +0000

Well, this week has pretty much been, "second verse, same as the first."

Food and water were excellent, and exercise continues to be a work in progress. I guess I sound like a broken record.

While walking continues to be my main activity, two days this week I also helped people we know pack/move. Both places were on the second floor so there were numerous trips up and down the stairs. And lots of trips to and from the truck.

Truth be told, this is my absolutely favorite kind of exercise. Doing something productive. Like riding our bikes to run an errand. Or walking to actually get somewhere.

Some day I may be able to get into the groove of some kind of exercise routine. I just haven't managed to pull that off yet, and I think it's because I really, really don't want to. At least I don't want to badly enough or else I'd be doing it.

The honest to God truth is that I'll probably never become a gym girl. I might as well admit it. But what I am doing is that I'm out there living life. I'm going and doing and keeping up. I totally held my own when we were moving our friends. A year ago even the thought of that would have been overwhelming. I wouldn't have been able to do even a small fraction of what I did this weekend.

So I'm going to celebrate that along with another 3 lb. loss. And I am currently very close to weight territory that I haven't seen since I was in my 20s!!

Weight Loss Update June 26th:

This Week Loss:	3 lbs.
Challenge Loss:	9 lbs.
Total Loss:	113 lbs.

You can't beat that with a very large stick!!

Hope you all are getting closer to your goals, and that you're also out there living life!

Good night and God bless!

I'll Take It! StS Challenge Day 14

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 18:34:00 +0000

We are having a great weekend, and it's not over yet! My parents are coming in today from Arkansas so being able to spend part of Father's Day with my dad is a real treat. Pizza tonight with Mimi and Papa, along with many of the kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. It's gonna be awesome! And a special Father's Day shout out to my husband, Bill...one of the very best dads I know!

Now for the challenge, I had a good week in some ways and a not-so-good week in others.

Calories and water were good. Exercise not so much. Someday I'm going to get really tired of saying that! I rode the recumbent bike but never made it outside. In my defense I was really busy at work...crazy busy getting ready for Father's Day weekend. But I know I've got to make it a priority. And toning exercises? Don't ask. So the exercise part of the challenge was pretty dismal. I'll just have to try to get better, even if it's just a little at a time.

Weight loss was great though. I'll take it!

Weight Loss Update June 19th:

This Week Loss:	3 lbs.
Challenge Loss:	6 lbs.
Total Loss:	110 lbs.

Praying for all you challengers as we continue to navigate the rough waters toward better health. It's not easy, but it's so worth it.

Now in honor of all the dads out there, here is a hysterical video remake of "Dad's Life" done by the pastors at my church, the place where I not only work, but also grow in my relationship with God.

Enjoy!!

Obsession Redux

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 00:24:00 +0000

The longer I do this blogging thing the more I find myself looking back at where I've been to see if my perspective has changed, or if it's been reinforced.

Today I was thinking about obsession for some reason and I remembered a post from early in my journey. I looked it up and found that it was from day 63.

An intriguing thought occurred to me today. A question, really. As I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into some kind of coherent written form, I had to ask myself if I've been substituting one obsession for another.

To end up so overweight and so thoroughly out of shape is clearly the result of a food obsession that takes many forms. Research tells us that people who fight this battle don't look at food as a means to fuel our bodies. We look at food as a way to medicate and bury emotions that we don't want to deal with. We use food as a reward. We use food as a punishment. We use food as a form of rebellion. And we use food as a way to soothe our pain. When we're food obsessed, we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about when we're going to eat, what we're going to eat, and fantasizing about the pure joy of it all. But then comes the inevitable guilt, the remorse, the self-loathing, and then the whole cycle begins again.

I don't need the research to convince me about this head game. I know that it's true.

I have an obsessive personality or I wouldn't be in this place. I'm still obsessive. Just about something different. Now I'm obsessed with weight loss, and blogging, and approval, and control, and with some image of "normal" that I have in my head.

I'm not sure what any of this means, but it's where my thoughts went tonight. I guess if I'm going to be obsessed, it's certainly better to be doing what I'm doing now rather than what I was doing before.

But what I really desire is balance. I desire to understand moderation. I desire to learn how to deal with my emotions in a productive way. I desire to learn how to think about food in a healthy way.

I know that there is a lot of hard work ahead. I believe more than ever that the battle is with myself. But I don't want to trade one obsession for another. I want to demonstrate resolve and determination and discipline. I know...it's a fine line, and I don't think I'm explaining myself well, but I think it's a line none the less.

I'm coming to the conclusion that yes...it's about eating less and exercising more...but more than that, it's about working on the things in my head and my heart that got me here in the first place.

So today, I did very well with food, exercise, and water. And the head stuff is a real work in progress!

In the 9 months that have gone by since I wrote this I do feel less obsessed and more balanced. I do feel like I'm actually learning how moderation works. It makes me feel good to look back and see that my progress has been more than a smaller number on the scale. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, this is the real deal.

Praying for us, friends...that we are able to be strong and resolute, and to really believe that we're worth it.

Good night and God bless...

Lessons Learned: StS Challenge Day 5

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 20:13:00 +0000

If anything, this challenge has helped get my head back in the game. I've been treading water the last month or so, and I've learned a few lessons from that.

First, since the day I started on July 14th of last year, I have never had a melt-down or anything like that. But for the last few weeks I've been more relaxed. I haven't been counting calories to the degree of precision that has been the case throughout this journey. I've had a craving for trail mix and peanut butter of all things, and have indulged in those a bit. So nothing horrible...both of those are pretty healthy.

What I love about this is that I've stayed in check. I've been weighing myself everyday and I actually settled into a pretty sweet groove. When the scale showed a .5 lb. gain, I was more careful the next day and it was gone by the next weigh in.

So essentially I was maintaining for the last few weeks and I am feeling much more confident about the future. Confident that once I'm finished, I'll be able to maintain this for life. I'm usually not a big fan of using the scale everyday, but I think I'm beginning to like the idea. It will help keep things in check.

And now that I'm in this challenge and back on the losing track, I'm looking forward to kicking these last few pounds. I love the idea that the day when I will wake up and not have to think about losing weight is right around the corner. I'll be thinking about exercise and healthy eating, but not about losing weight. I thank God for His patience with me and for giving me the strength to do this.

So by way of reporting, I've been doing very well with calories and water. Still not stellar with exercise. Walked quite a bit this week and rode the bike on Monday but didn't get it done on Wednesday. I'll ride today, but I still haven't done anything about getting a toning plan in place. Exercise is much more of a struggle but it'll happen. I'm confident about that.

Since it seems pretty clear to me that I won't be posting every day, I'll just log my weight loss on here, along with any observations I'm having. I've read some blogs and made some comments here and there, but I have to admit the sheer number of folks in this challenge is pretty overwhelming. For me, the fact that someone might be reading is enough accountability to spur me on.

Weight Loss Update June 10th:

Challenge Loss:	3 lbs.
Total Loss:	107 lbs.

At the end of the day, all we can do is the best we can do. I've been reading some blogs and there's a little bit of sour grapes out there about this challenge or that challenge, about this plan or that plan, about losing fast or taking your time, etc.

I've lost 107 lbs. since July of last year so I guess you could say I've had a certain amount of success. But I'd be the first to admit that I don't have this whole thing figured out...not for me or anyone else.

So fast or slow? I don't really know, except to say that slow is better than not at all. Slow is better than going gung-ho, die-hard serious and then crashing because you can't keep it up.

Slow is better if that's what it takes to learn how to keep the weight off once you're there. None of this means anything if you gain it all back, and statistics say you will if you've just been doing what it takes to lose but haven't learned how to deal with food along the way.

So take it a day at a time and do the best you can. Do it for your health because I absolutely guarantee that you'll feel better. And do it for those you love. They'll thank you for it.

God bless you, folks!

Off to a Good Start!

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 01:41:00 +0000

I'm really happy I hooked up with this fine group of ladies. I think this is going to be just what the doctor ordered to get rid of these last stubborn 25 lbs!

First, I'd like to thank everyone for your kind anniversary wishes! Yesterday was pretty much a perfect day. At church, it just so happened that we were finishing up a marriage series and at the end of the service, our pastor called up any married folks who wanted to renew their vows. That turned out to be pretty cool for us, seeing as it was our actual anniversary! So after we reconfirmed the fact that we really meant it when we said "till death do us part," Bill surprised me with lunch in Greektown. We haven't been down there in decades, but he remembered that we used to go there often when we were dating and he thought it would be special, which it totally was! After that we went to see "The Tree of Life" in Lincoln Park. A simply incredible movie. I think I'll need to see it again at least two or three more times to even begin to grasp all the nuances, but at its very core is a beautiful message of love, hope, and grace.

OK...on to the challenge lowdown for day 1. I weighed myself this morning and am starting out at 104 lbs. lost. That's my day 1 benchmark. The goal is to add 25 numbers to that tally by the end of this thing, so here we go!!

I am soooooooo not big on pictures, and I totally stink at the whole "take your picture in the bathroom mirror" thing, but this is the best I could come up with.

I'll have to get Bill to take the next one. :-) (I'm pretty happy with these size 14 jeans, though! First time since I was a young lass!!)

StS Report for Monday, June 6th:

Calories:	1,241
Water:	80 oz.
Bike:	30 min.
Challenge Loss:	0
Total Loss:	104 lbs.

I so hope all the challengers are off to a good start, and that tomorrow brings us all closer to where we want to be. I'm going to make the rounds now and see how everyone's doing.

Good night and God bless...

Slimmer this Summer Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 12:17:00 +0000

I'm really excited to join Deb's Slimmer this Summer Challenge.

I've been bopping around between 103 and 106 lbs. lost for the last few weeks and I'm ready to kick it in gear to lose the last of this extra weight!!

So here's how I'll be measuring success over the course of this challenge, which runs for the next 12 weeks.

LOG MY FOOD AND WATER: I've been very consistent doing this over the course of my journey and it's been a great help. I've recently started using www.livestrong.com and I love it! Check it out if you need a great logging tool. I plan to hang around 1,200 calories a day.

BLOG REGULARLY: I've really slacked off on my blogging so I plan to pick it up during this challenge...posting on my blog and keeping up with others!

RIDE MY RECUMBENT/MOUNTAIN BIKE (M-W-F): I will either ride with my daughter outside or else ride the recumbent inside consistently on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

RIDE MY MOUNTAIN BIKE WITH BILL (SAT OR SUN): I've been loving this! We only have the weekends to ride together so we'll try to ride at least one of the days.

TAKE A HIKE: I've grown to love walking so I'll keep that up over the summer...whenever I can...wherever I can!

TONING EXERCISES: I really need to get something going in this regard. This loose skin needs some serious attention! I just need to come up with a plan for this one.

LOSE 25 LBS: This comes out to around 2 lbs. a week, and that would be awesome!

So there it is! In other news, Bill and I are celebrating 35 years of marriage today and I couldn't be happier! Love that guy!!

Have a great Sunday, friends, and God bless...

Bike Riding, Graduation, and Blood Sugar on Day 305

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sun, 15 May 2011 13:04:00 +0000

What an outstanding week!

Food and water have been on track. Exercise continues to be a work in progress. I bought a bike so Bill and I can ride this summer. We tried to go out last weekend but he got a flat tire and we had to walk back home. Exercise either way! Doesn't look good for this weekend, though...cold and rainy in Chicagoland.

Lost 1 lb. this week so the running total is 106 lbs.

So I have a friend who's dealing with some health issues. He had a pretty big scare but has already made some amazing improvements and is now firmly planted on the right path. One of the issues he's dealing with is type 2 diabetes. I was sharing with him my apprehension with doctors, and the fact that before I started this journey I was really scared about some symptoms I was having. My blood pressure was high, I had major headaches, heart palpitations, and I also had edema and numbness in my toes. I wondered at the time if I, too, was having issues with diabetes.

Since turning around my lifestyle with a commitment to healthy living and losing 106 lbs., all of the symptoms have gone away. But for some reason I'm still apprehensive about going to the doctor. I've promised I'll get there before the end of the year and I intend on following through. But my friend asked if I wanted him to test my blood sugar so I could at least know where I'm at. I was grateful for the opportunity.

I was so happy to learn that the 105 reading puts me in the normal range for adult women. I'm so relieved, and for some reason this knowledge will make it just a little easier to make that doctor appointment.

In other news, our baby girl graduated from college yesterday! Sierra is now an alum of Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, having worked full-time while in college and graduating with High Honors. We are so very proud of her!

I have said this before...we are so proud of all our kids and not because of the things they've done, but because they are all fine and honorable people with great big hearts!

Here's hoping you're all having a great weekend, and that the week ahead brings us all closer to our goals. God bless...

Turning the Corner on Day 296

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Fri, 06 May 2011 22:02:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've been on here.

Though the weight loss has slowed down, things are going well. 5 more lbs. gone since the last time I posted. 105 lbs. less of me.

I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I feel like I've turned a corner. I'm healthier than I've been in a very long time and that in itself makes every minute of this journey worth it.

I've not only lost 105 lbs., but I've gained more than the equivalent in terms of understanding who I am and what I'm capable of. I understand more deeply the God who loves me and wants the very best for me.

I don't know how many more pounds I want to lose. I know it will not be about a number on the scale. That's why I've never posted on here what I weighed when I started, or what I weigh now. Because it doesn't matter.

It will probably be around 20 more lbs., and then we'll see. I'm wearing many things now that are a size 14. I just bought biking shorts that are a size Medium, and they're perfect.

So for me, it will be more about how I look in my clothes and how I feel when I look in the mirror. I will continue to have a "forever" relationship with my scale because it will help me keep from ever letting the pounds creep up again. I will never let that happen, and the scale will help me stay healthy.

So my relationship with food remains stable. I'm still hanging out at 1,200 calories. I'm still focusing on eating fresh, healthy foods. Those are the kinds of foods I actually crave. And I crave water...bottle after bottle throughout the day. It's a beautiful thing.

This next season of my journey will be about exercise. About moving. About breathing. About doing physical activities that were absolutely impossible 8 or 9 months ago. That's not as easy for me as changing my relationship with food has been. This will be more of a struggle. But I'm looking forward to it. I plan to embrace it.

I'll be on here more often as I make this transition. I will need to work things out in my head.

I'll also be on here more because I have a very good friend who is at a crossroad, and I plan on being here to encourage him every step of the way.

I'm so thankful for my life. I thank God for my family and friends. I thank Him for His blessings and for the things He tries to teach me, even when the lessons are painful and uncomfortable.

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

100 lbs. GONE!

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 12:47:00 +0000

Well, I've done it. 100 lbs. lost. And truth be told, I'm excited about it, but I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I think my emotions are tied to the fact that I'm not done yet so I don't want it to feel like I am. And to the fact that it's getting more difficult to lose.

I actually hit this milestone last Saturday and then Bill and I immediately left for a race in Alabama and then a visit with my family in Arkansas. We had a truly great and relaxed time. I watched what I ate carefully but didn't count calories. More like estimated, but I'm pretty sure I never went over 1,500 calories a day.

We're back home now and when I weighed in this morning I was happy to see that I maintained during our week away, especially since we literally spent 3 days in the car.

So here I sit today...100 lbs. lighter and 100 lbs. healthier than I was on July 14, 2010.

It's a tough thing to wrap my brain around. I lost a small person! Which also accounts for my mixed emotions, I think. I'm thrilled and proud of what I've accomplished so far, but I also have this nagging sense of shame that I can't quite kick related to how I let myself get so overweight and unhealthy in the first place.

People tell me I look like a different person. Which makes me happy and sad at the same time, if that makes sense.

But definitely more happy, so in the spirit of the milestone, here are some 100 lbs. lost observations.

Every item of clothing in my closet right now was purchased in the "normal" section of the store. I no longer own ANY plus-size clothes. I'm even wearing a few items with this on the label: 12-14. I think this particular manufacturer just wants ladies to feel good about themselves, but I'll take it!
I am much more active in my everyday life. I couldn't walk from my car to my office before without getting winded and sweaty, and that was taking the elevator! Now I move at a quick pace and I take the stairs. I get to my office and I'm still amazed...not sweaty...not short of breath...normal.

Which reminds me, I got the BEST compliment from my friend, Haydn, recently. I hadn't seen him in a while, but he made a point to stop by my office to see me. He said he saw me walking in the parking lot from my car and he had to stop by. Essentially he said: "I saw you in the parking lot and I can certainly tell that you've lost weight. You look fantastic, but what I noticed most is that you looked like you FEEL fantastic. I'm so happy for you!" It was simply the perfect thing to say to someone working her way through all the changes...someone embarrassed by what used to be.
I AM HEALTHY!! Before I started this metamorphosis, it was scary how short of breath I'd become with very little exertion. I didn't tell anyone at the time, not even Bill, but I was also having chest pains and pounding headaches. I took my blood pressure one day and it was in the 170s over the 90s. I didn't go to the doctor's because I was scared and embarrassed. Stupid, I know. But I knew the first thing I'd be told was to lose weight and I felt like I didn't need anyone to tell me what I already knew. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I could be, and maybe should be, dead right now.

I still haven't gotten over the doctor thing. I literally can't remember the last time I've been. Probably an ear infection years and years ago. The last time I saw a GYN was my follow-up visit after giving birth to Sierra. She turns 23 this year. Another embarrassing thing to admit. I made a vow to myself that I'll go for a checkup before the end of the year. I need to work my way up to it. But the good news is that I've been taking my blood pressure and it's been consistently in the 115 over 75 range!

These are just a few observations that I have after losing 100 lbs. of me. There are more things rattling around in my brain. It's all just pretty overwhelming.

The rest of this journey is going to be more difficult. It already is. Getting rid of the next 25 or so pounds is going to take much more work but I think I'm up to it.

I seriously thank God every day for the opportunity.

Errrrr... (Day 248)

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 14:41:00 +0000

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I've checked in. Sheesh!

I'm having a bit of slow-down lately. Just 2 lbs. gone since my last post. So 95 lbs. to date.

Calories have been consistently between 1,200 and 1,500 each day. But as always, I could definitely do better with exercise.

Time to shake things up a little, I think.

So that's the goal. I'm gonna give myself 3 weeks to make the 100 lbs. lost mark...that's April 9th.

I think that's going to mean a real concerted effort to move more. So that's the plan.

And then I think I'll want to lose around 25 more lbs. I'd love to be completely done by July 14th, exactly one year since I started. That would be very cool.

Not sure if that's too ambitious...it definitely is more difficult to lose the closer I get to my goal. It's just not coming off as quickly.

But I'll shoot for it and we'll see what happens.

Hugs to all and God bless...

I Was Cake Boss on Day 235

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 00:06:00 +0000

I've been totally having a blast this weekend. For valentine's day, I told Bill that I would be "Cake Boss" for him. He loves his sweets, and we both love watching Buddy work his magic on Cake Boss. So I thought that would be a fun gift that he would really enjoy.

So determined not to put it off any longer, I made Bill's indycar cake this weekend. And it pretty much took the whole weekend! 90% of the cake is actually edible. I used a metal rod for the axles and washers for the hubcaps. And some of the Chevrolet details are printed off the computer. Can't eat those.

But the rest is homemade cake, frosting, or modeling chocolate (which Bill tells me tastes like tootsie rolls!) The car is carved out of pound cake, and the base is carrot cake, yellow cake, cream cheese frosting, and the filling is cream cheese, bananas, and pecans.

Bill's really happy and said the cake is delish, so that pretty much makes my day.

Now I need to do some ironing and get ready for a busy week. Amy, the new hire in my department, starts tomorrow so there will be lots of training going on. Then I leave Wednesday afternoon for a two-day conference in Granger, Indiana, which further complicates the week.

No problems with food...totally on track. (I didn't even lick my fingers during my baking adventure!) A little lax with the water this weekend. The benefit to that is I was able to sleep better without having to get up two or three times to run to the bathroom. But I'll get back on track tomorrow.

When I weighed in on Friday, I lost another 2.5 lbs. To date? 93 lbs. Good stuff!

Wishing you all an amazing week, friends!

Good night and God bless...

Week in Review on Day 227

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 14:59:00 +0000

Such a crazy busy week. And it's not even over. So much still to do before services tonight. But just one more week until help arrives! Amy, the new hire for my department, starts a week from Monday. Can't wait, but I hope she enjoys crazy!

Just a 1/2 pound loss this week. So 90.5 gone. When you're being really diligent it's hard not to be disappointed with that, but the scale can be fickle. It's most likely hormones since my erratic TOM hasn't made an appearance in nearly 3 months and is probably on the horizon.

But in the end, it doesn't really matter. Because one of the things that I finally realized this week is that when I get to the point where I don't feel like I need to lose any more weight, my life won't really be that much different than it is right now.

I think I knew that. I know that the healthy choices have to remain for life. But I think I still had it in the back of my mind that at the end of this quest for weight-loss would be something different. But the truth is that unless I get crazy serious about exercise, the difference between calories for reasonable weight-loss and maintenance aren't all that far apart.

I think that's why the stats for people regaining their lost weight plus interest are so very, very high. They work hard and arrive, but then they think they can eat like they really, truly want with no reprecussions.

But that's simply not true. For people who have been food obsessed, and who have used food as an emotional response and salve, there is simply no going back.

Because while there will come a time when I will be able to be more relaxed and less stringent, there really is no end to this journey.

That makes the 1/2 pound loss much easier to take.

Hope your weekend is amazing, relaxing, and full of life-affirming choices.

God bless you all...

Errands Galore on Days 220 & 221

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 00:07:00 +0000

Well it's been a pretty busy weekend. We had so many errands to run. It seems like they must have been piling up.

So here's the run-down on our stops: Aldi, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, J.C. Penny's, Sears, K-Mart, Menard's, the library, Michael's, and church.

That's some serious errand-running!! ;-)

Bill's outside right now trying to figure out what's wrong with the snowblower. It wouldn't stay running the last time he used it, and it's supposed to do a little snowing here in Chicagoland tomorrow. Today's just been rainy and gloomy. The good news is February's almost over so there's light at the end of the tunnel!

So while he's out there being productive I decided to do some cooking for the week. I just made him a batch of linguine, spinach & cheese tomato sauce, and garlic bread. For me, I cooked herb & garlic chicken breasts...enough to last the week. That little bit of planning and preparation will make next week all the easier for us.

Food and water have been spot on, with everything logged in. I've learned I still need to do the tracking thing. Maybe not forever, but for now it gives me comfort. I'm just not confident enough yet to keep the calories from creeping up unless I'm pretty strict with myself.

The main thing I've learned along the way is that weight loss really doesn't have to be all that complicated.

I set a calories per day limit in the range of 1,200 to 1,500, I drink in excess of 64 oz. of water, I avoid being a couch potato, I weigh-in once per week, and I do the introspective work necessary to figure out how I got this way in the first place so that I won't go back there again.

That's pretty much the extent of my plan, and it works for me.

Lots of walking this weekend with all our errands, and I'm feeling very spry. Bill's got very long legs that contribute to his 6' 4" height, so I used to really have to struggle to keep up with him, even though I'm pretty tall myself. 90 lbs. ago, keeping up was pretty hopeless. He always had to slow down for me.

Yesterday there were actually a couple of times at the mall when I got ahead of him! It felt so good that I wasn't being a limitation to him. That might be my very favorite part of the changes I've made.

Well, it's time to do a little relaxing before the weekend is completely over. We never did make it over to the nursing home to see my aunt so that's on the schedule for tomorrow.

Wishing you all a good week...one that brings you closer to where you want to be.

Good night and God bless...

Weigh-in on Day 219

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 04:16:00 +0000

The scale was extremely friendly this morning.

A 3 lb. loss means I have lost 90 lbs. in the last 219 days.

So hard to believe. It's like 7 months is too short a time for my head to keep up with the changes in my body.

Clothes continue to be an issue. It's a good problem to have. It's actually funny how I always hid behind tent-like clothes in the past, but now I want my clothes to fit. I'm buying a few things here and there but I don't want to spend much money on clothes I won't be keeping. A new wardrobe will be in my future sometime this year, though.

And then there's the skin situation. It actually feels wrong to complain about it. It's just a reality I'm going to have to accept.

I've noticed an increasing amount of loose skin under my arms lately. I picked up some hand weights and am doing triceps exercises. I'll definitely be able to build some muscle, but I've been told that inevitably the only way to get rid of the skin will be with surgery.

I don't ever see myself spending money on cosmetic surgery. So it's a tiny bit sad that even when I'm finished losing weight I probably won't be comfortable wearing a tank top. Again, it feels wrong to complain when I'm so much healthier. What I'm experiencing now is the consequence for my own actions. It's a trade-off I'm happy to accept.

I won't accept it without a fight, though. I'm determined to figure out how to be as resolved about the whole exercise thing as I have been about getting control of my relationship with food. It won't eliminate the problem but I'm sure it will help.

Bottom line is we're all a work in progress. Physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. I have so much work to do.

Have a good weekend, friends. Good night and God bless...

Should I or Shouldn't I ? (Day 218)

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 03:24:00 +0000

So my husband is a really sweet guy. Bill's not perfect, which works out really well because I'm definitely not either. But in terms of heart, he's got the biggest one around.

He knows I've always had this thing for coconut. I just love it. Pair it up with chocolate, and oh my gosh!

Well probably about a year ago we heard that m & m's made a coconut variety but we could never find them in the stores. Bill hates coconut, but he searched high and low for me because that's the kind of guy he is.

We never did find them, and then last July I started on this fantastic journey toward good health and I forgot all about them.

Apparently Bill didn't forget, though. Because when I came downstairs this morning to boot up my computer, there sitting on the keyboard was a lovely bag of coconut m & m's. He was at one of the stops on his route yesterday when he saw them and was so happy to get them for me.

OK...so this was a problem for me. I haven't had processed sugar in 217 days. Some sugar-free pudding and sugar-free fudge pops along the way. But no sugar. None.

So this began a day long conversation with myself. On the one hand, I absolutely did not want to eat this candy. I would feel like I was cheating. And the prideful part of me likes the fact that I've been so stinkin' disciplined. I like being able to say that I haven't had processed sugar in 217 days. And I could see the hundreds of days adding up and being able to say that I've been sans sugar for the last upteen years.

But on the other hand, I knew in my heart that Bill would feel bad if I didn't enjoy his gift. He would understand, but I think a part of him would be very disappointed.

He has been so incredibly supportive of me, and he let's me know all the time how proud he is of me. He has enough confidence and faith in me that he knows I can enjoy this little treat without it meaning anything more than enjoying this little treat. He knows it doesn't have to mean any more than that. He believes in me.

So what did I do? I ended the day at 1290 calories, and 210 of them were yummy coconut and chocolate. And I can't wait for Bill to come home so I can tell him how much I enjoyed the treat that he lovingly bought for me. And to thank him for having more faith in me than I had in myself.

Going to read some blogs and catch up with my friends. I like being back.

Good night and God bless...

I'm Back on Day 217

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 13:08:00 +0000

OK...I think I've missed posting.

I haven't had a melt-down or anything, but I haven't been as careful about logging things the last couple of weeks. Nothing major. No "cheating." I haven't been eating foods that I don't feel good about, but when you're not logging it's more difficult to be aware if the calories are creeping up.

I'm still losing weight. Just haven't had my head in the game lately. And I don't like that feeling.

I still think I need this for a while.

Even if nobody else on the planet reads this I still need it for me.

When I weighed in last Friday, February 11th, I was down 5 more lbs. from my last post. 87 lbs. lost to date.

Here's to making today count...

Checking in on Day 198

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 02:01:00 +0000

Another lb. gone. 82 lbs. total. On paper, it really should have been more. But sometimes our bodies just don't get the memo about the math. It's true that weight loss can be somewhat predictable, but it's definitely not an exact science. That's why it's important to not put too much stock in the scale. What's important is to treat ourselves well by eating healthy foods, drinking lots of water, and gettin' it into gear. Just do what's right for no other reason than it's right.

Had a pretty stressful week. Lots of work and I conducted 6 interviews for the open position in my department. Will do a few second interviews next week and then make a decision. I'm really looking forward to the help.

I did alot of running around today getting ready for the weekend services. Up and down the stairs...back and forth to the resource room...to and from my team's offices. I'm still really amazed at how easy that has become. I don't even give it a thought anymore. I just go. I just do.

I'm closing in on day number 200 of the new and improved me. I look alot different. But the major changes have taken place inside. I can be strong and disciplined. I can learn what's best for me, and I can follow through. I can deal with my feelings and emotions without turning to food. Who knew?

So doing really well in some areas. Need to work harder in others, like toning exercises. It's not life or death, but I'd like to replace some of the departing fat with emerging muscle. That'd be cool.

Tomorrow, God willing, we get up and start again. Make good choices and try to lay our heads on our pillows at night with no regrets. Or at least with fewer than the day before.

Hope it's been a good week for you, friends. Hope you're closer to where you want to be.

Progress Photos on Day 191

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 12:27:00 +0000

Life in food and water land is going along very well. Exercise is even getting better, though that will truly be a continued struggle moving forward. I need to kick it in gear there...especially toning.

Happy to log another 2 lb. loss.
That's 81 lbs. to date.

One of the things I've been thinking about lately is the pros and cons of continuing to blog. This was so incredibly helpful to me early on. It helped me learn about myself and stay on track.

Now though, I find it a struggle to think of things to say. Because truth be told, I find myself continuing to journal, but now it's mostly offline. And it's less about food, and much more about very personal reflection that I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing here out of respect for other people, or because of the intimate nature of my thoughts.

So then I struggle to think of what I can say here to help other people on this road, and I'm finding that to be increasingly tough.

When I look back, my journey has been pretty boring in terms of inspiration. It's really been eat less, move more, and drink water. I've logged a loss every single week since I started, but I've had nothing really concrete to share in terms of how I did it. No great food suggestions...no recipes. No nuts and bolts.

Just eat less and move more.

There are so many blogs out there that are so very helpful and really inspirational in terms of the struggle and overcoming. My journey has not been like that. It's actually embarrassing to me how relatively easy this has been in comparison to others. I fear that could actually end up being a discouragement, which is the very last thing I would want to do.

Anyway, these are just thoughts I've been having. One thing for sure, I plan to spend more time reading the blogs of my friends and making more comments there. I think that could potentially be more encouraging than my random thoughts here.

Oh yeah...here are a couple of progress photos. Still HATE taking pictures!!

Have a great day and God bless...

Good Stuff on Day 184

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 02:24:00 +0000

Well, this has been a catch up week. It feels good to tackle some of those tasks that have been on hold and actually make some head-way. I was also able to wade through all the resumes that have been submitted for the open position in my department and we'll be starting interviews next week. Once we get the right person on board and trained, things will hopefully be more manageable.

2 more lbs. lost this week. 184 days and 79 lbs. total. That averages out to just under 1/2 lb. per day. Amazing. Remarkable, really.

Making wise and healthy food choices has become completely habitual. I could phone it in. 1,000 to 1,300 calories every day, and I am amazed at how much my body craves water.

I've said this before and it's more true than ever. I don't know what clicked this time around. Something, though.

Something tripped in my brain that removed all doubt about what is really important, and what I'm capable of.

Maybe I simply wasn't ready before. Maybe I had more to learn. I do know that I'm really, really happy about one particular thing related to the delay.

Bill and I were married for 25 years when we separated. We were apart for 3 years, and we've been back together for 6.

After 3 years apart, he told me that he really, truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At that time, I was fat. I was really fat. And truth be told, I got even fatter after we got back together.

But he loved me anyway. Emotionally, spiritually, and unbelievably, physically.

What I'm really glad about is that we got back together before I lost all this weight. It removes all doubt about his motives and his feelings for me.

It's been a joyous time of discovery for us as we've gone down this road together. I think he's especially intrigued by all the emerging angles...shoulders, ribs, jawline, hipbones, ankles. We are enjoying each other in the most fresh and beautiful ways. And I simply couldn't love him any more than I do.

I certainly love him more than a double quarter pounder with cheese. I love my family more than french fries and a chocolate shake. I love myself more than cake, and cookies, and candy. I didn't used to. But I do now.

I wonder if I'll ever eat that stuff again. Right now I really don't think so. Maybe in moderation some day. But who knows. There is no appeal there right now. A juicy chicken breast with a steaming pile of veggies sounds so much better to me. Kinda sounds like I'm brainwashed, but it's 100% true.

As I was going up the scale, the last pair of jeans I wore was a size 24. When they didn't fit anymore, I didn't buy any more jeans. Like Nacho Libre, I just resorted to "stretchy pants."

Shortly before Christmas, I bought a pair of jeans in size 18T. They're baggy now. I just ordered a pair of 16T, and a pair of 14T, too. Maybe I'll make it to size 12, but at 5'11", I would die exceedingly happy at size 14.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready for maintenance. Late spring, early summer, I think. I'll be dealing with this loose skin alot longer than that. But that's OK. I'm alot healthier now, so I have many more years ahead of me to become the best me I can be.

Been praying for all you friends out in the blogosphere. Praying that you find that spark inside yourself to either continue in your resolve, or to start anew, once and for all.

Night friends, and may God bless you.

Whew on Day 177!

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 12:57:00 +0000

The website is launched and it's time to take a deep breath!!

For those who are interested, the site's at www.parkviewchurch.com. The first page is geared toward visitors...to give them a sense of who we are and to make them feel welcome. The meat of the site is at the campus level. (Orland Park is the largest campus with the most content.) We worked with a fantastic company called AspireOne to develop the structure and design, and then we added content, images, and video. It will always be a work in progress, but we're pretty thrilled with the results and pray that God will use the site to bring people to Himself.

Well, it's Friday morning and officially one full week since I last checked in. And I haven't even had the opportunity to keep up with other blogs. I have literally been sitting in front of the computer working for most of my waking moments over the last week. I plan to rectify both of these situations moving forward!

Because of the large weight loss figure that I posted last week (5 lbs!!!), I really didn't expect much of a loss this week, especially since the extent of my exercise has been to walk from the bed to computer...computer to car...car to office...office to bathroom...bathroom to office...office to car...car to computer...well, you get the picture! Food has been spot on, between 1,000 and 1,400 calories every day. But there hasn't been alot of movin' going on.

So when I weighed in this morning and saw another 2 lbs. loss I was pretty much overjoyed! This is extremely happy dance worthy!!

This weekend, it's going to be all about relaxing, catching up on my blog reading, and spending some serious time with my guy. Sounds heavenly!

77 lbs. lost to date and moving downward!

Good morning and God bless...

The Year That Changed My Life (Day 170)

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 04:37:00 +0000

I've never been very big on new year's resolutions. I used to make them until even I knew better than to believe that I could really accomplish what I resolved to accomplish. I wasn't fooling anyone...especially not myself.

Most of my resolutions had to do with losing weight and getting healthy. But my resolutions were never very resolute. To the contrary, I would rarely last beyond January 2nd before I determined that, "I'll just start on Monday." But after I don't know how many Mondays, I stopped fooling myself. I was going to have to be fat and happy. That was the only way I was going to be happy, because I'd never be anything but fat.

But as much as I tried to convince myself, I was simply never going to be happy with the way I looked and the way I felt. I hated it. I hated worrying about chairs and restaurant booths and airplane seats and seat belts and amusement park rides. I hated fat clothes and the fact that I could barely walk without becoming overwhelmingly breathless and sweaty. I hated it all. I hated every bit of it.

But as much as I hated it, I felt completely powerless to do anything about it. I used food to meet every single emotional need that I had. Food was the answer when I was happy, sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, celebratory, overwhelmed, scared, and the list goes on and on. Food was my friend and food was my lover. I don't know when that happened. But I know when it stopped.

It stopped on July 14th of this year. I read Sean's story and somehow the light bulb went off. Something clicked in my brain. Slowly but surely, food became food and feelings became feelings. The pounds came off and I felt better everyday. And because I felt better everyday, the pounds came off. It became a beautiful, vicious cycle.

I'm not finished yet. I'm still becoming. In 2010 the metamorphosis began. In 2011, I will achieve something I haven't achieved in more than 20 years. I will be a normal, healthy weight. In late spring or early summer, I will wake up one day and I will not have to think about losing weight.

I will have to continue eating good and healthy foods. I will have to continue dealing with my feelings through conversation and introspection. I will have to continue to make good choices. But I won't have to think about losing weight.

I lost another five lbs. in the last week. Since July 14th, I've lost 75 lbs.

Happy New Year, everyone. I wish you joy, and health, and happiness, and success, and love, and good choices in 2011. I don't just wish it...I pray for it. I thank God for His love and His hand in my life. I thank Him for my family and friends and for a husband I don't deserve. I thank Him for giving me the opportunity to right this ship, and to avoid the heart attack, diabetes, and hypertension that I sorely deserved.

So no resolutions for 2011. Just more living and loving and trying to be everything that He made me to be.

Good night to all, and may God bless you.

Christmas 2010 Recap (Day 167)

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 10:33:00 +0000

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and a wonderful time was had by all. The numbers are in from our Christmas Eve services at church. 11,838 folks celebrated with us this year, and a great celebration it was!

Then on Sunday, Bill and I had brunch with Amy from Begin Again and her family. We had the BEST time with Amy, Troy, Austin, Meghan, and Kaitlin, and I know that won't be the last time we'll get together. Troy's family lives in Indiana, so I hope we'll have an ongoing date every Christmas! And then there was the perfect ending to our weekend when the Bears beat the Jets on Sunday!

Christmas Eve with the family was fantastic, marred only by the fact that Sabrina wasn't feeling well and didn't join us. Food-wise, it was a little more difficult than usual to count calories because of the random array of choices, but I know I erred on the high side with my calorie-counting and just worked the plan. The best part is that I never felt deprived...I enjoyed the people around me, and loved every single thing that I did choose to eat.

We did end up with quite a bit of leftovers, though, and the last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle. Bill's making pretty good head-way, but there's still alot of cheese in the fridge and a beautiful array of crackers in the pantry. It's weird that the leftover candy, cookies, and pies aren't much of a problem at all...it's the cheese that's calling my name! So far I've ignored the call, but I think I may pack up the cheese and crackers and give them to the kids or take them into work.

I actually cheated and weighed myself this morning and I'm down two more pounds. I think I needed that little bit of positive reinforcement to help me ignore the cheese! ;-)

I'll do an official weigh-in on Friday...the last day of 2010. It will be amazing and emotional. I can't remember the last time that I approached the new year feeling so healthy and so incredibly optimistic.

Well, the day is young and there is much to do. Have a fantastic Tuesday, one and all!

Checking In on Day 161

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:57:00 +0000

I decided to post this morning so that it wouldn't officially be one whole week since my last post! Hi...my name is Karyn and I'm a huge blog slacker!! (Well, not as huge as I use to be, but I digress.)

Starting today, our two churches will be having nine Christmas services over the next three days...one tonight, three on Thursday, and five on Friday. Thousands will come, and we will CELEBRATE! My favorite part is always the candles.

When we were a small church, we would always end our Christmas services with the candles. The pastor would light his and then would pass the flame along. From one to another, the light would grow until the entire room was bathed in candlelight. We sang "Silent Night" together. No instruments...just our voices singing "sleep in heavenly peace" in the warm glow.

As our church has grown larger, we've had to leave some things behind. All-church potlucks become impossible at our size. But the candles and "Silent Night" at Christmas have remained. They're a complete and total headache logistically. They have to be gathered up after each service and set up for the next one. And with up to 1,600 candles lit at one service, we're always a little nervous that the fire alarm will go off, though it never has. Then there's the final clean-up. It takes our facilities guys quite a bit of time after the holidays to get all the drips of wax out of the chairs.

And yet the Christmas candles remain, and I hope they always will. And I will cry every time...thinking about the baby...thinking about the man...thinking about the light of the world.

So all in all, the next few days will be crazy, and I'm about as mentally exhausted as I can ever remember being. The work on the new website continues with every spare moment, and I just pray it will all be ready by January 4th.

We'll be having the family over to our house on Christmas Eve, and I'm really looking forward to it! Bill has to work his Fed Ex job, but we're hoping he'll be home by 8 or 9. No plans for Christmas Day...just me and my best friend relaxing and hanging out. And then on Sunday we're going to meet Amy, one of my blogging friends, for brunch in Indiana. Can't wait to meet Amy and Troy!

Oh, and I decided to weigh in today instead of tomorrow because of all the madness and it's official!! 3 more lbs. down!! That means 70 lbs. less of me will start the new year (plus whatever else I lose in the next week or so!)

Even though I've been a total blogging slacker lately, I look forward to putting together a big, reflective, end-of-the-year post trying to sum up this experience.

I hope Christmas is everything you hope it will be this year. I pray we'll all enjoy our loved ones, and that we'll emerge from the other side of the holidays with no regrets about food eaten or missed opportunities for hugs or to say "I love you."

Good morning, Merry Christmas, and God bless...

Weigh-In Thursday (Day 155)

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 12:39:00 +0000

Work continues on the new website, and I got some news early this week that has both up and down sides. We found out that the company that's hosting our site will be off for the holidays from December 20th through January 2nd except for extreme support emergencies. Didn't seem like a good idea to launch during that time so we're looking at January 4th. On the down side, I had to go through and get rid of the things that won't apply anymore, but on the up side, we get an extra week to get ready.

I'm feeling pretty stressed and overwhelmed right now. When you work for a large church, it's going to be pretty stressful during this time of year...it goes with the territory. Add to that a new website and the resumes that are rolling in for the open position that I'm hiring, and it can keep you up nights! Focusing on the "reason for the season" has helped immensely these days. We have reason to celebrate and I'm determined not to let anything get in the way of that!

The very best part of all this is that there doesn't seem to be anything that can shake me from the foundation of this new, healthy life that I'm leading. The days of stress-eating are long gone. It's not like I want to indulge but I've been stopping myself. It's not even a thought that I have. There is absolutely no inclination to mindlessly reach for food as an emotional response. None. The word that comes to mind is "transformed." I've been "transformed by the renewing of my mind." Which points back directly to the reason we celebrate. Love the symetry!

I weighed in this morning and I lost another 2 lbs. this past week. 67 lbs. to date. Gonna break 70 by December 31st...that's the goal!

Hope you all have an amazing and adventure-filled Thursday!

Good morning and God bless...

A Little Ticked Off on Day 151

noreply@blogger.com (Karyn) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 19:40:00 +0000

Taking a break from website building for a quick post. I truly don't think I'm going to get any semblance of a normal life back until we launch this thing. Come hell or high water, it's going up the week between Christmas and New Year's. There, I said it. So let it be written, so let it be done! (Hope that doesn't backfire on me like it did on Pharoah!) ;-)

I woke up at 4:30 this morning with my head already brimming with ideas and thoughts of all the things that have to be finished. I spent an hour trying to go back to sleep and then gave up.

During that hour, I did a little bit of pondering.

What I pondered about mostly was the idea that there's more than one way to do this weight-loss thing and to get where we want to be. I found my way via Sean's blog, and my life has changed forever. Completely and radically.

It's not like reading about eating less and exercising more was some really crazy, foreign concept. After 20+ years of being fat (and much of that time being really, really fat), you can imagine there were countless times when I told myself to stop eating so much and start exercising.

But what resonated with me was reading about his life, and about the mental and emotional work that he had to do to change his relationship with food. He shared his journey, but he never acted like his was the only way to get there, or that people who were struggling along without very much to show for it were failures. He just shared what worked for him.

I like that.

I'm not opposed to the tough approach. I'm tough on myself. What I am opposed to is people being embarassed or humiliated in this forum because they're struggling or "not doing it right." I'm opposed to making it personal. I'm opposed to naming names and taking no prisoners.

"This blog is for me." I've read this many times on many blogs and I've said it before myself. And it is. It's to help me work it all out. But if someone reads this along the way and is helped or inspired or motivated, I think that's awesome.

I wouldn't be where I am right now if I hadn't stumbled across Sean's blog. I was in the right place at the right time. And today, I read many blogs that inspire me and help me on this journey. Some of them are funny and creative, and all of them are motivating, either through the strength of their determination and resolve, or through their commitment and desire even when it's a constant struggle...a commitment to getting back up and trying again.

But during my time in this community, I've noticed that some people just seem to disappear. That makes me so sad, and I wonder about them and pray for them often. But it also makes me angry to think that some of them may have left because they were embarrased or humiliated by someone's post or someone's comment.

I hope that each one of them has been able to find that special thing that helps make everything click. I wish that for all of us.

Hope your Sunday's treating you well, and that you hang in there no matter what! God bless...