The Philistine

Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa Takes Over 24 Hour Fitness

2012-02-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a freak incident, involving English parliament, Sir Matthew Rutledge of Balboa has acquired control of American fitness chain 24 Hour Fitness®.

Rutledge was recently knighted for his victory in the annual San Francisco Decathlon, which was made on the heels of an extraordinary 36 hour bender in Las Vegas (see article).

Rutledge moments before a $4,000 loss at Caesar's Palace

"When I got back from the U.K. I was just in a state of euphoria," the self professed number one "Corky Romano" fan told the associated press last Tuesday. "So I bought 24 Hour Fitness. I mean why the fuck not? I'm a knight now."

Rutledge's own fitness skills were put to the ultimate test earlier this month during freak incident where he almost drowned in a pond at Golden Gate Park.

"We were playing frisbee golf that day and I noticed that Matt had been missing for quite some time," local entrepreneur and certified optimist Rock and Roll Rowley said. "That's when I saw bubbles forming in a nearby pond."

Rock and Roll Rowley leaps towards the deadly pond where Rutledge almost lost his life

"Thank god Rock and Roll Rowley was there," family friend of the Rutledge's, and recent literary success, Campbell Belden said. "I thought Matt was a goner for sure."

New Book: How Much is Too Much? by Campbell Belden, Ph.D.

2011-11-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

LAS VEGAS, NV – As I sit on the rotunda in the main hall of the Bellagio, Campbell Belden is ignoring me.

He has just been handed a report from his assistant on the odds for todays horse races. Belden, who received his doctorate in the psychological, social and behavioral patterns of maine coons from Harvard at the tender age of 11, has been living in Las Vegas for the past 36 months. He calls this period a "journey through the depths of hell."

"It's the basis of my new book," he says as I check my watch. It is 6:36 a.m. and I have been awake since Tuesday. Belden brought me to a series of his favorite strip joints this morning, and when we emerged the sun had come up. We decided to do breakfast.

"I think that I'm going to put a stain in the universe," Belden said as he took the penultimate bite of his quadruple stack blueberry pancakes.

During a long winded afternoon of re-run episodes of "Forgive or Forget" back in 2008, Belden realized that heading to Vegas was the appropriate next step. He immediately phoned local cab driver, and part time stationary aficionado, Mitchell Duran. Duran was not pleased, to say the least.

Seven days after Belden and Duran departed on their trip, they arrived at The Palms. Belden who had minored in the history of pancakes was keen on speaking with the executive chef. When Duran's phone rang he was getting a call from suicidal auto mechanic Derrick Schoening.

"Fuck my life," Schoening said, and abruptly hung up.

Belden with his driver, Duran, moments before they left for Las Vegas

Duran, confused and alone, decided to book a room at the Hollywood House in Old Vegas. When Belden awoke the following morning, in his six-floor penthouse suite at The Palms, he had a telegram from the manager at the Hollywood House.

"Ur frndz ded." The note read, enthusiastically.

Realizing that he no longer had transportation, Belden frantically called everyone in his rolodex. Matthew Rutledge, personal trainer and self-professed "Corky Romano" fan, was also in Las Vegas. Although, he too had skipped town, so to speak, to check out early from the single life.

"My book is really about re-birth. I don't want anyone to know what actually happened. I just want you all to know that it did happen."

How Much is Too Much? is available from Philistine International® in hardcover for USD 499.99. Look for it on iPad, Kindle and Android.

R-O-B Is Back

2011-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Tiga Cheetah by rcbelmont

The Philistine Finds Audience in Anonymous Internet User

2011-03-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

CO? – As The Philistine, again, missed its long over-due printing deadline, an anonymous internet user posted a comment.

It was determined, from a painstaking 27 month study of The Philistine's google analytics page, that the culprit is this man:

"After President Belmont phoned me I went over to the university and apprehended Mr. Grady," a Colorado state trooper said.

The man that our friends at the Colorado State Patrol picked up was identified as Carter Grady, identification was further clarified by The Philistine staff once the above image was received.

"The man is actually sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady," Philistine staffer, and sports enthusiast, Trevor Storey said. "I mean I didn't even bat an eye when I saw that photo."

During the interrogation the following slides were presented to Grady in order to prove to him that he was in fact the aforementioned "Anonymous" internet user.

The first piece of evidence shows the traffic coming to The Philistine from the state of Colorado, which was all stemming from the city of Boulder, where Grady resides.

As Grady was presented the second image, he involuntarily yelled out the expression "BOOM!"

"We had to make sure it was him," Attorney General Lucas Wilson said, as he exited the interrogation room.

Grady was beaten with a 2lb bag of skittles until the bag burst and hysteria ensued.

"Why did you guys arrest me if I'm you're only fan?" Grady eventually asked, after things had calmed down.

The Philistine promptly released him.

Local Best Buy Manager Breeds Award Winning Persian Cats

2011-03-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

EUGENE, OR - Local assailant and cell phone salesman turned manager, Robert Belmont, has dropped his cell phones and picked up kittens. Belmont bred four Persian Cats this last year and has achieved 4 Blue ribbons at the Eugene Cat Fancier's Tournament.

"I just like pussy," Belmont says, "there isn't any amount of words that sums up the pride one gets by breeding pussy and then winning an award for it."

One of Belmont's Cats, Hermoine, won best in class for Persian's, and won a best in show ribbon as well.

"Hermoine is a good pussy, she knows she is too you can tell by the way she walks," says Belmont.

Belmont is a rookie in the cat breeding world and is the youngest breeder to win a best in show and best in class ribbon for his cats.

Introducing the Eugene Skate Kr3w

2011-03-21T05:03:00.000-07:00

The Interview

2011-03-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Predictably, Christmas time came to an odd close. The wrapping up of 2010 was phenomenally unemotional. Which is, partially, why The Philistine felt compelled to cover this extraordinary exchange between political scientist, and cigarette activist, Kyle Sirell and actual scientist Dr. Brian Jacobson.

Local "Mountain Man" Discovered on Local Mountain

2011-02-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

The "mountain man" making his initial approach

Mill Valley, CA – A group of hikers were terrorized Saturday afternoon by what witnesses described as a "mountain man".

The hikers were visiting the world famous Mount Tamalpais, which had recently acquired the right to have snow fall on it, at the time of the incident.

"I was made aware of the situation about 15 mins after we arrived," local guitarist and media mogul Chris Cohan said. "Motherfucker just nailed me with a snowball, shit was on after that."

Cohan not giving a fuck

Apparently the "mountain man" wasn't having it

Patrick intervened, attempting to save the day

But failed

Yet, the war raged on

Cohan surrenders

When the battle concluded 19 people were dead. As the survivors fled the scene, The Philistine had a chance to catch up with the "mountain man".

"I be here long time," the "mountain man" said.

That statement was the end of the interview. Nonetheless, park rangers informed us that the "mountain man" does respond to "OMG LOL BUTSEKZ", and has apparently been spotted on the mountain since the spring of 1988.

The park rangers service has contacted President Belmont's administration and a carpet bombing of Mount Tam is slated for April.

Local Group of Friends Discover That New Years is Arbitrary

2011-01-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a moment that had occurred many times in the past, and one that would continue to take place for the rest of their lives, a local fellowship collectively realized the final day of the Gregorian year is, in fact, meaningless.

As the clock struck midnight on the west coast, the crowd outside Casanova on Valencia St. was still counting down.

What followed was a series of superfluous countdowns to the same moment, that had already passed.

Sports legend Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady attempting to make sense of the situation.

In the confusion of the post-midnight moments many were racing to understand what had transpired. Sports phenomenon Carter 'Barry Bonds' Grady helped reporters catch up with the ball, so to speak.

"We were all expecting a big boom, or at least I was," 'Bonds' Grady told The Philistine during his 31 mile New Year's resolution jog.

Others were less perturbed by the uncertainty. Local music entrepreneur Chris Cohan decided to send out a mass text to everyone: "Fuck your mothers".

With little regard for New Year's' lack of significance famous artist Matthew Martin curiously lead a mob all the way to Hunter's Point where everyone stopped abruptly and turned around.

"What we all know is true, is that it's really just an opportunity to give all your close buddies a big wet one," Local political science major, and recent graduate (pending some overdue homework assignments), Kyle Sirell explained. "I'll wait a year for that."

Sirell and 'good ol'' Casey Stikker attempting an embrace.

Despite all the varying opinions on the evening, The Philistine determined that Martin had the last word.

As the night came to a close, he simply kept muttering the word "meaning" over and over until every last New Year's Ever fell asleep, and welcomed January 1st 2011.

The following is a documentary brought to you by the people at The Philistine (The following video in no way reflects the views and opinions of The Philistine Group or its affiliates):

Thomas in Talks to Train with Thomas

2010-09-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Rock and Roll Rowley (left) and Mackenzie Thomas (right)

TIBURON, CA – In a move that has caused sports fans all across the bay area to question their hearing, Rock and Roll Rowley I has entered the running to train alongside famed Tiburon Peninsula Little League all-star Mackenzie Thomas.

After throwing out his arm during practice for the semi-finals, Rowley unequivocally called it quits.

"I was finished," Rowley said during an e-mail interview with local cretin Trevor Todd Storey. "I just couldn't throw another baseball."

The move came at a critical time for the team. Things had been looking bleak towards the end of the summer season as fellow player Kyle Sirell missed practice in order to finish his diorama.

Thomas is expected to deliver his landmark decision on Friday evening to a crowd of more than 15,000 at Blackie's pasture during the annual "Let's Dig Up Blackie's Carcass" festival.

A less surprising bit of news was the no-show of President Robert Belmont at the game on September 12. A spokesman for the Belmont administration declined to comment on the absence.

President Belmont's truancy is notable due to his recent negotiations with Attorney General (and team captain) Lucas Wilson in regards to the acquisition of MVP Matthew Yarborough.

"It came to our attention during a practice that Matt might be worth some money," Wilson said during an early morning conversation outside Noah's Bagels in Greenbrae. "But hey, the team is not gonna fall apart over this. We're gonna be #1."

That, sadly, may not be true. It is rumored that the Belmont administration has offered Yarborough a three month $38 million contract to play on the executive team.

This would, ultimately, render Rowley's training with Thomas superfluous.

5 Movies in 5 Sentences

2010-09-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Avatar: Crippled guy plays out all his blue man group fantasies in the rain forest.

Terminator Salvation: John Conner tries REALLLY hard to get his dad laid.

Inglorious Basterds: Brad Pitt tries to speak Italian, and Eli Roth plays baseball with Germans.

Wall-E: Robot foreplay.

Up: Fat kid annoys an old man.

Shake Weight

2010-08-28T09:53:00.001-07:00

Rob Returns (With CD's)

2010-08-22T02:06:00.000-07:00

SPRINGFIELD, OREGON – Local Best Buy employee Ricky Belmaunt was arrested this evening for armed robbery and public nudity.

With the release of his new album Have You Gone To Bed Yet? Belmaunt taped copies of the CD to cover his naked body. He went to his shift at the Springfield Best Buy and promoted his album by having customers take the CD's off him. About 3 hours into his shift Belmaunt was out of CD's.

Panicked, Belmaunt reached for a gun he had stashed in one of the washers in the appliance department, and proceeded to demand 200 blank CD's and a computer to burn more copies. Police subdued Belmaunt, about 125 CD's into his burning rampage. He is currently in Sprinfield Prison. Since Belmaunt has 44 previous offenses in Oregon, he will be forced to move back to California within two weeks.

But seriously I'm coming back to Marin on the 1st of September for about a week and I look forward to seeing all the homies. I also do actually have CD's of my new album, so if any of you want one just let me know (I'll have clothes on).

-R4hb

Keyboard Cat

2010-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

Another Cat Classic

Have You Gone To Bed Yet?

2010-07-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

The summer album from R-O-B has finally been released. As promised it dropped this morning on 7/11 (free slurpy day at 7-11). The album features R-O-B, El Pescador, and B-Juice. Enjoy.

Track List:

1. Ricky Died

2. Fatal Disease

3. Naked Next to You (R-O-B, B-Juice, El Pescador)

4. Bezzy Glow (Mychal, bjuice, R-O-B)

5. Endo Snacks (Produced By Chris Cohan)

6. Everything We Do

7. Hell Talk

8. In Tents (freestyle)

9. Movie Music

10. Pussy Mansion

Streaming Link (if you stream click the song link not the play button, it will start in the middle)

Download Link

Doctor Finds Pattern in Late-Forming Adult Disfiguration

2010-07-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

KENTFIELD, CALIFORNIA - In a press conference to the public, doctor Brian Jacobson gave a detailed description of his findings on a disease he has been researching for the last ten years. Dr. Jacobson calls the condition Vaginisus, a disease that forms vagina-like openings in adults around the ages of 20-25. According to Dr. Jacobson, the disease can be caused by exceeded exposure to marijuana.

Dr. Jacobson has studied many patients that have been diagnosed with Vaginisus, one named Rowley Montague Thomas. Thomas has been in the presence of a colleague Will Smartt for many years who is an avid marijuana user. Dr. Jacobson found that Thomas' contraction of the disease was due to second hand consumption of the drug. Dr. Jacobson found discoloration around and on the vaginal area, on Thomas' right cheek. "Thomas exhibited no pain with the vagina on his cheek, he actually reported signs of linkage with his own arousal," Dr. Jacobson said in his report, "any erection he had also made his face vagina wet." Dr. Jacobson has not found a cure yet for the disease, but is experimenting with skin transplants and oatmeal therapy. Dr. Jacobson, however, stopped oatmeal therapy due to reports of it being "just gross looking."

Vaginisus has raised many questions in the legalization of marijuana campaign, due to it being the first disease caused by the drug. Mark Faherty, spokesperson for the legalization of marijuana, when asked to comment said, "We are still trying to analyze the validity of Dr. Jacobson's findings, and are working close with him to go over his connections to marijuana and the disease."

Dr. Jacobson is famous for his earlier findings in the connection between Pizzazz and Babies, for which he won a Nobel Prize.

-RAHB

4th of July

2010-07-06T01:11:00.000-07:00

Return of the Bohunk

2010-06-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

Sometime in the early to mid part of February, just before the second half of that month, the former doctor Trevor Todd Storey, shit his pants.

He was walking down the stairs of his two-floor apartment complex when his 250 lb television set, which he had procured from a free auction at Smart(t) Investments™, fell on him.

The injuries he sustained were beyond the scope of his own medical expertise. Diagnosis was secured via telephone by a local veterinarian Mackenzie Thomas.

At the hospital Storey received multiple stitches including some that fastened his eyelids shut. Thomas, who was attempting to perform an autopsy due to the fact that he was under the impression that Storey was a deceased goat, explained that the stitches were merely a precaution.

“He was giving me the stink eye,” Thomas said in an interview outside the San Francisco Zoo. “I couldn’t work under those conditions.”

Despite his accident, Storey has re-invented himself in the last few months. After being sequestered in his two-bedroom Berkeley slum for approximately 456 days straight, he left the room.

By going outdoors, Storey landed a job at a hapless, nearly criminal, San Francisco website.

Storey’s rise to dereliction has been swift and licentious. In light of three long-winded sexual encounters with his homely manager, he was offered a promotion.

The conditions of the escalation in responsibility were that he would not be provided with increased financial incentives for at least 60 days. Those 60 days ended on Monday.

Over the course of a five hour meeting with the arbiters of finance at the company, a deal was made.

“I was given the option of a traditional raise or they said they would pay for my drinks at lunch for the duration of employment,” Storey said at a late night meeting with investors. “I took the sodas of course.”

As The Philistine missed its printing date, Storey was eating a turkey sandwich at The Toaster Oven. The Philistine staff walked by the restaurant gloating. Nonetheless, Storey continued to sip his free Mr. Pibb with delight.

Storey will be talking about his corporate ascension strategy at the Cow Palace this coming Saturday June 19th, from 5:30am-9pm, with special, but as of yet unconfirmed, guest Charlie Ansanelli.

fever

2010-04-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

i made this last night - music and all ENJOY

Untitled from Carla Arriaza on Vimeo.

RICKY AND C-WORD UNITE

2010-04-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

WATTUP

2010-04-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

a track i made last night that rob will spit some raps for it

The Request

2010-03-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

My Final D-Arts Project

2010-03-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

I promise this is the last one, but this is the project I am most proud of. I took a Charles Bukowski Poem titled Dinosauria We, and made a video to go along with it. I used Adobe Premiere Pro CS4 for the editing. Enjoy.

Where's Rob?

2010-02-25T03:19:00.001-08:00

Project 2

2010-02-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

Here is my second project for my Digital Arts class, and a few from other students that I really liked. I apologize for the poor quality in my video, I bought a new HD camcorder and am still learning compression, etc. Enjoy.