SPOILER ALERT

Wild, Underestimated, Under Appreciated, is Best Picture of 2014

2015-01-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

by Brandon Petersen

...

I am as feminist as my privileged white male roots allow me to be.

My mom was the primary bread-winner in my household. She has always been my hero, mostly because it hasn't been easy for her. Without a college degree, she started as a secretary and moved her way up to a corporate vice president. Trust me, that long and winding path was littered with male superiors who thought they knew better and took it out on her every time she proved them wrong and messed with their nut-swinging egos.

But even though I have always admired women for their incredible strength -- the type of strength most men rarely display at any point in their own lives -- I hate to admit, when it came to this year's group of Oscar-potentials, I saw all of the male-leading movies first. In fact, the only reason I wound up seeing Reese Witherspoon in Wild was because I had already seen every other non-animated flick at my favorite theater and I really needed to just get away from my editing station for a few hours.

I'm not going to compare Wild to all of the Best Picture nominees, there simply isn't enough lent space here from my good friend Ethan to expound on why it's better than all of them. But I am going to put Wild side-by-side with two male-dominated Oscar-hopefuls, The Imitation Game and American Sniper, and show why the dead-weight of Witherspoon's backpack is far more powerful than Brad Cooper's expertly-aimed rifle, and endlessly more influential than Benedict Cumberbatch's code-breaking computer.

As we all know, films aren't really what they are about. American Sniper isn't about a legendary soldier from Texas whose sole purpose in life is to protect the sheep, it's about addiction. The Imitation Game isn't about the process of breaking the Nazi's enigma code, it's about equality. And just like those two films, Wild isn't about a young woman taking a long walk, it's about self-forgiveness.

All three of these films had the opportunity to connect with me on a very personal level, as I am a recovering alcoholic, who has been discriminated against because of my outward appearance for much of my life, and has made so many past mistakes, I could fill an entire novel with nothing but regrets.

And while I left both American Sniper and The Imitation Game thinking about the films, their merits, their deficiencies, and breaking them down as a student of film, I left Wild with tears streaking my cheeks, thinking about how every single bump in my road has led me to a point where I have finally found happiness, stability and a sense of purpose.

In other words, what a film should strive to do is not simply tell a story, or make a good point, but transport every person in the theater inside of that film's world for a couple of hours and make them realize the underlying forces pushing that film forward aren't just happening to Reese Witherspoon, but to themselves as well.

The question remains then, how does Wild technically succeed where the other two fail?

To answer that, you need only look to the backpack.

In Wild's opening sequence, we meet Witherspoon for the first time in a cheap motel on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. She's preparing for her hike, which we don't know the details of yet, by assembling a massive pack filled with all the camping accouterments one could ever hope to need. This isn't a backpack, it's a mountain of plastic and vinyl the size of which would make Dwayne Johnson blush.

Pack finally ready and morning anew, it's time for Cheryl Strayed to head out on her journey. There's only one issue: The freaking backpack is literally bigger than herself, and in order to strap it on, she must bust out every single yoga pose in the book, and wedge herself skyward from there by any means necessary. It is an awkward, hilarious scene, but also the film's finest, because in such a understated manner it creates all the stakes we as viewers will ever need for the next two hours.

The simple visualization of the mammoth backpack consuming Witherspoon's tiny, straining frame, is the movie. By the end, when we stand on the misty Bridge of Gods alongside Witherspoon, the pack seems light as air. It's no longer a hinderance, but instead, Witherspoon's best friend. It's her home, it's company, it's her food, it's everything.

For a film like Wild, that teaches us that our past isn't something to hold on to negatively, but rather, to learn from, and grow from, and come to love as a part of ourselves, the imagery of the backpack is a subtle yet brilliant way of connecting the film's viewers with it's character, and that, in turn, is what transports us through and onto the screen ourselves.

We feel the encumbered pain of the pack as we chuckle awkwardly while Witherspoon withers underneath it at the outset, and we feel free, calm, happy, and learned of ourselves, by the time we stand confidently alongside Witherspoon on that bridge, reminded, of course, by the pack Strayed clings to with both hands, that we too are changed.

And while Brad Cooper and Benedict Cumberbatch deserve great adulation for their respective roles in American Sniper and The Imitation Game, both of their performances were on par with Witherspoon's, the failing of those films comes in the choices made by their directors.

What Jean-Marc Vallée includes within his main character's journey are inner and outer dialogues which are completely absent in both Sniper and Game. There are countless scenes in all three films where their directors chose to show their characters isolated and struggling, but what sets Wild apart from the other two, is a sense that we always know what Witherspoon is feeling.

Be it through her journal entries, her inner monologue, or with the men she interacts with along her hike, we are always let inside her head and her heart, and we know exactly what she's dealing with at any particular moment.

And while all three films use flashbacks to set up their present characters, Wild's flashbacks are gritty and raw, and get to the heart of exactly why Witherspoon is currently in pain. Sniper and Game, on the other hand, deploy banal flashbacks, rehashing childhood motivations through interactions with authority figures. They fail to connect emotionally with anyone in the theater who didn't grow up hunting in Texas, or having boyhood crushes on classmates in boarding school. But fucking the wrong person because you felt bad about yourself? Taking drugs you know you shouldn't to deal with pain? Losing a mom who was your heart and soul? Wild's flashback are ones that most everyone can relate to, if not directly, then indirectly, because there's not a human on the planet whose never experienced regret.

In American Sniper, we are given a multitude of scenes in which Cooper sits alone crying without any dialogue or inner monologue. We have no idea if he is mourning his lost sheep, or if the guilt of killing children is currently overwhelming him. We have a pretty good idea it's not because he doesn't get to see his own kids much, and it's only eventually we realize that what Cooper's character is actually upset about his retirement; the thought of no longer being able to serve his life's purpose. And even then, that's only a projection based in part on another Iraq War film far more skillfully made -- by a woman -- The Hurt Locker, which first depicted war as an addiction, and left absolutely no ambiguity about the motivations of its main character.

The Imitation Game is slightly better in dealing with Cumberbatch's break-down moments, which, again, the actor pulls off skillfully, but it suffers from the same lack of depth that Sniper does. Alan Turing is singularly obsessed with solving the enigma problem, and that insessant focus takes up the entirety of the film. The only respite we get as an audience is when we are taken through flashback to Cumberbatch's youth where we learn how he fell in love with a boy and had his heart broken for the first time. That storyline only begins to break the surface of the complexities a gay man in Nazi Europe must have faced, much less a genius with the literal weight of the world on his shoulders. One scene in tears opposite Keira Knightly, and a showdown with some security toughs who unplug his massively under-explained super-machine, is not enough to get across just how epically Turing struggled throughout his enormously important life.

All we are left with at the end of The Imitation Game is a lazy postscript which fails miserably at encapsulating Turing's grand experiment. In fact, the saddest part of both Sniper and Game is that that both films spend two-plus hours building up two incredibly likable characters only to depict their horribly tragic deaths in a single line of text. This, of course, leads to more questions for the viewer that the films simply refuse to answer.

When we stand on the Bridge of the Gods with Cheryl Strayed, we know exactly where she's been, we know exactly where she's headed, and we too have been moved by her journey.

I saw a lot of films this year, a lot of great films. I thought Sniper on the whole was incredibly entertaining, and Cooper was fantastic. I loved Bill Murray in St. Vincent, and Michael Keaton in Birdman. David Oyelowo was transcendent as Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma, and the Academy should be ashamed of itself for not including him among the nominees.

But out of all these fine, male-leading performances, none of them held a candle to the power of Reese Witherspoon, her slight frame, and that gargantuan backpack.

I've seen it over and over again throughout my mom's life. Women are always underestimated and under appreciated in male-dominated cultures, and Hollywood is no different.

In the view of many Academy members, Wild wasn't good enough to be nominated for Best Picture.

In my view, the contest wasn't even close.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

2013-12-26T12:49:00.004-08:00

Before I start ranting I guess I should explain what the f*ck The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is. It's the middle film in a trilogy where dwarves try to reclaim their homeland from a dragon, Smaug, by using an unexperienced hobbit named Bilbo to steal a jewel from the dragon that will give them the right to rule over all the dwarves. Thankfully, the leader of these dwarves is the rightful heir to the dwarves' kingdom so it's all okay. This is all based on a fairly small and simple children's book written by J.R.R. Tolkien about greed, courage, and maturity. But Peter Jackson don't give a f*ck about any of that! Let's watch a 2 hour story stretched into a 9 hour film!

Peter Jackson Can't Keep Things Short

Ha! Get it? Because it's about short people!

The original King Kong was 100 minutes long and a classic. Peter Jackson's remake was 187 minutes long and bored audiences worldwide. Peter Jackson has this thing about stretching out scenes and turning the action all the way up to 12. Sure it makes for a good epic but sometimes it causes things to draw out needlessly. Let's look at the original King Kong again. There is a scene where Kong must battle a T-Rex to save Anne. It's a brilliant scene that captures the height of the era's special effects. The Peter Jackson remake has 3 of them and just keeps going and going and going. You watch the beginning of it and love the excitement but by the end you just want the f*cking movie to hurry up. This is the exact reason Mr. Jackson was able to turn a short children's story into 3 nearly 3 hour films regardless of it's original length, but I am happy a lot more progression happens here. At least he's a great director who has brought life to such characters as Frodo the Blingwearer, Sam the Fudgepacker, and Gandalf the Incompetent Magician.

Gandalf is a Terrible Wizard and Bilbo Does Nothing

**Gandalf and Sh*t Wizard are negotiating the cost of a pound of weed.**

Do I even need to prove this point? It's just so obvious! He's a pothead with the ability to summon giant eagles at a moment's notice to carry him and his comrades to any destination yet he only uses them when the writer realizes our heroes have no way to escape a certain scenario. It's bullsh*t. Early in the movie Gandalf is just like "This scary forest looks scary! Bye!" Gandalf could have been cut from both Hobbit films and they would have been exactly the same. Even in The Lord of the Rings he exudes incompetence. "Let's go to the cave under the mountain! Ooops! Forgot the password! Let's just sit around and do buttf*ck nothing!" Ugh, the wise old man is supposed to be, you know, WISE. Then we have the hobbit of The Hobbit who basically gets the same amount of screen time as an episode of Adventure Time and it's at the end. And guess what? It's the same as the first film! We have Bilbo trying to outwit a very dangerous and greedy person that ends in him escaping. Seriously? I wonder how the final film will end. One second as I look it up... Oh f*ck me. Bilbo tries to outwit a very dangerous and greedy person and Gandalf's f*cking eagles come to save the day. F*ck you! This is all the more frustrating when the best part of this film is the most shoehorned.

The Love Triangle is the Best Part

"I'm sorry, I do not fornicate with shorter beings. They tend to be lacking in certain...areas..."

I say it's the best part in that it's the most emotionally investing. Trust me when I say there are definitely scenes in this movie that are fantastic in there scale and fun including the barrel escape in the rivers and seeing Smaug in fully rendered glory, but when there is no emotional connection to any of that epicness what the f*ck is the point? A good film isn't one with long ass scenes that make you go "Woah" at their technical aspects. A good film is one with pathos. That means it appeals to the audience's emotions. The only time that happened in this film was in a love triangle between a dwarf and 2 elves. Peter Jackson actually filmed everything in a year but realized that their was no emotion in the film and re-shot the love triangle stuff going against Evangeline Lilly's contract that stipulated "No Love Triangle Bullsh*t." Mind you that her character was created specifically for the movie and the entire endeavor was pointless and clichéd.

Conclusion

DO A BARREL ROLL!!!

Have you noticed that in every movie about Middle Earth there is at least 2 scenes that aren't fully rendered due to time and money? You didn't? You will now! You'll also notice how horrible the writing is as the best parts are shoehorned in order to make the material watchable! On top of everything the film ends with no sense of relief or satisfaction! Literally everyone in the audience left the theater with either a physical or mental middle finger up in the air at the $13.00 the film sucked out of their wallets, and I agree. F*ck you, Hobbit. F*ck you hard. But thanks for that move with the barrels and your very big dragon. That was amazing ;)

Why The Lion King Sucks

2013-09-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

We all cherish those childhood cartoons and that escapism we felt while watching them, but there comes a time when you must see those cartoons for what they are.The moment you attack the movies someone grew up with they get all defensive and actually try to convince you otherwise. It's ridiculous. They don't have to prove anything to anyone. The thing about movies is that they are enjoyed subjectively. That's why I find it boring when someone says their favorite movies are timeless black and white classics, yet they were born in the 90s. It's like they feel they have to like good movies otherwise they look stupid. It's why so many people like 2001: A Space Odyssey even though they all get numb of boredom in the first 6 hours (real time: 5 minutes). Isn't real love the kind where you accept both pros and cons? My favorite film is Star Wars yet I'll be the first to say it's kind of dumb. A greedy assassin named Greedo? Seriously? The Lion King is a bad movie, but that doesn't mean you're wrong in liking it. So please don't say some bullsh*t argument like:

It's a "Retelling" of Hamlet

**Actually, it's just a rip off of Kimba the White Lion, and don't even get me started on The Thief and the Cobbler!**

That's not even an argument. It's a f*cking statement. An untrue statement, mind you. The Lion King's story is about a prince who runs away, sees the ghost of his father, and comes back home to dethrone his uncle. That's it. A ghostly father figure and an evil uncle does not in fact make a movie a retelling of Hamlet. And even if they were the only check boxes you needed to mark off on the "How to Hamlet Handbook" that doesn't make a movie "good." Do you know what other movie had a ghostly father figure and an evil uncle? Transformers 2!! Coincidentally, Shakespeare was considered the Michael Bay of his time who would make up words constantly and say countless dick jokes (especially in Hamlet). Plus people seem to forget that Hamlet was about a vengeful prince that was hesitant to kill his uncle because he wanted to f*ck his mom. No one can really say that about The Lion King now can they?! Maybe because at the end of the day Simba learned nothing because...

Mufasa Died in the Wrong Scene

WWWWWWWRONG!!! Idjit.

I'm going to assume you know that their are only a few amount of stories out there in the world and Hollywood just repeats them over and over. It's why after only watching the first half an hour of a movie so many people can guess the ending. It is for this reason that The Lion King is so screwed up; it doesn't know what story it is. It begins with the story about a high standing asshole who loses everything and must learn humility to regain his position. In order for the asshole story to work the asshole must do something asshole-ish in order to lose everything. For instance, in Thor, Thor attacks the frost giants and then proceeds to get banished by his dad. It is then that he must learn kindness and sacrifice to become a true hero. In The Lion King, Simba invades the Elephant Graveyard and almost starts a full on war with the hyenas because of his asshole-ish attitude. It is here that Mufasa should have died causing Simba to actually have something to reflect over. Instead Mufasa dies in the scene where Simba ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING GOOD AND LISTENS TO HIS ELDER. Simba is set up not to learn anything deep but instead to learn he had nothing to learn at all! Then the movie decides to just throw out all that character development Simba built up in the first act and start a completely new arc in the outskirts where...

Timon and Pumbaa are Villains

Look at them. Look at them!! THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HENCHMEN

Raise your hand if you've seen Pinocchio! Wow, all of you? Really? That makes my job easier! In Pinocchio our main character, some puppet whose name escapes me, meets a sly fox and a crafty cat and is convinced to turn his back on everything and go have fun as an ass. You know who else did that? That's right! Timon and Pumbaa! In fact, if you had actually remembered the movie you're defending you'd remember that they're actually only using Simba as a way to scare off other animals as a makeshift bodyguard and to do so convince him to "turn his back on the world". "But they become his friends as time grows!" Wrong. In fact, when we skip to when they were older they still view Simba as a bodyguard. After meeting Timon and Pumbaa Simba's story turns from asshole learning humility to slacker learning responsibility except he's not running from responsibility. He's running from murder charges. That sh*t's hot though! Just ask Nala! Anyways, the one and only reason you don't believe Timon and Pumbaa were villains is because...

The Songs Are Getting You High

Oooooooh! That's what Hakuna Matata means!

Dopamine is one hell of a drug. Did you know that the reason we love pop songs so much is because they tickle the pleasure center of our brains in such a way that we get flooded in good feelings? Seriously. It's why after an unmemorable movie you come out saying you liked it because the credits rolled over the latest pop sensation. There is not a single negative song in The Lion King. Hell, when Scar sings about taking over Pride Rock to his followers I don't feel all that bad because the only thing Scar promises them is food and integration into the "Circle of Life." In case, you didn't get it Mufasa is a huge racist. When Timon and Pumbaa sing that one song that sounds like gypsy gibberish that should be a bad song. It's the equivalent of a guy walking up to you and offering you that Afghani Kush, man. But of course it's portrayed as the happiest song in the f*cking world. The worst part about the songs is that they serve no purpose. They don't push the story forward, they don't reveal anything about the characters, they're just filler pop made to get you high so you feel that you actually thought it was good. But just like any high it vanishes leaving you with the same feeling of your first love where you only remember the feeling and none of the truth. Like I said in the beginning though, it's fine if you like to get high. No one's judging you for it. No one likes being judged. I'm pretty sure I'm being judging for pointing this out though! But if I can respect you for liking a movie I dislike then you can respect me for disliking one you like... Crackhead.

Riddick Review

2013-09-12T06:29:00.004-07:00

Now that Bald-Actor-With-Gas-Themed-Name has more of an audience backing him up after making the 16th film in a franchise about car chases he can now go back to his passion of making movies about a menace murdering mercenaries at midnight on a marooned meteor. I know it's a planet but that would have ruined the alliteration! In case you haven't watched the other movies in the series just Google them! You can't be this lazy, can you?! Of course not! Anyone who spends as much time as you on the computer must be in shape! Circle is still a shape, right? I hope my friendly attitude makes you want to read the rest of this Riddick review cause we're really gonna roll along right away!

Back to Black

Winehouse would be proud.

So here's your crash course in the Riddick series. The first film was a sci-fi/horror film about some guys trying to escape some monsters. The second film went in an interesting direction and was a sci-fi/fantasy/horror/action/adventure about a rebel fighting against an evil empire (see: Star Wars). But you don't need to know any of that! Because this film don't give a f*ck about the second film! It goes back to black (Ha!) by using the same beats as the first film. They probably did this because more people liked Pitch Black than Chronicles of Riddick, and what better way to get more fans than to give them what they like? And that's great! The only problem is that after Chronicles took the series in such a huge direction and expanded the universe to such a degree this film feels like a full stop. It's not necessarily bad, but it might turn people off in that the series doesn't really move forward plot wise.

Dick B. Riddick

And just like that he lost all his street cred.

Speaking of turning people off! That's Riddick's full name! Don't you just want to f*ck him, laddies? Well that's what happens in this movie when Dick comes face to face with a lesbian (Ha!). Sounds like someone hasn't got laid in a while. Though that would make sense since the first act of the film is about Dick trying to survive on an alien world with Old Yeller. It's easily the best part of the film as we learn to admire his determination and skill. Audience members love a character who is good at what they do and Dick has got this down. Sadly, when he activates a beacon mercenaries and bounty hunters come looking for his head, and while it's fun seeing him take them out by the time they work together the film takes a nose dive. Dick has no character other than skilled penetrator (Ha!) and during the third act you're left with no one to route for. F*ck it
.

B for Boobies

**Can you find the lesbian?**

The B is because this is a B movie. I say that because I don't want people to think that this paragraph is just about breasts. By the way, their are a lot of breasts in this movie and I was quite surprised. When was the last time you saw a movie with bare breasts? Seriously, name it. Go to the comments section and name it. I'm writing this at 4 am so I truly can't think of any. The point being it's refreshing and I always welcome something refreshing *holds up a soda* When I need to be refreshed I always go with Coca-Cola Vanilla. I'm not advertising anything. I just love Coke Vanilla. I also love B movies! They're always so imaginative and have the best one-liners! And boobies!

Conclusion

Gorgeous.

Riddick isn't the best movie around. The third act falls on it's face and the characters are all the same person, but it has a good amount of charm and it's refreshing to watch. If you were a fan of Chronicles don't expect the same adventure. If you were a fan of Pitch Black well then lucky you! You feel good, huh?! Now when you tell your friends Pitch Black was better you're gonna bring up Riddick and how even the creators agree! Will that make you feel smarter, Ethan?! Huh?! Will it?!

My Thoughts on Batman/Superman

2013-09-05T11:02:00.001-07:00

"Ethan, you seem like a knowledgeable guy. What do you think of Affleck as Batman?" This question just seems stupid to me. No matter how knowledgeable any person is they can not know that which is unknown. In other words, NO ONE F*CKING KNOWS YET. In addition, who cares? This is as infuriating as everyone commenting on Miley Cyrus at some award show thing. I haven't even seen it and I already know everyone is being ridiculous. This is the same reaction Elvis got when he showed off how skillful he was at using his pelvis. Just let her get it out of her and move on. Can we please grow up? Now we can talk about the movie with the invincible alien with a Jesus complex (Don't they all?) facing off against a billionaire who dresses as a bat at night to punch criminals to hide his deep-seeded issues.

The Affleck

**Oh bullsh*t! Batman would never have a beard! Blasphemy!**

Acting is a weird thing. You can never quite predict any performance. I'm not going to do what everyone else does and use Heath Ledger as an example. Instead I will use Michael Keaton and Christian Bale! Woohoo! When Michael Keaton was cast as Batman people had a hissy fit. You can't cast Mr. Mom as the Dark Knight! Keaton was a comedy actor for Grayskull's sake! On the other side of the Spectrum people couldn't wait for Bale's Batman! That man had acting props and people knew he would pull it off with gusto! He had that authoritative aura about him, you know? In the end though, Keaton was the better authoritative dark avenger and Bale was the better comedic playboy billionaire. What the f*ck? That's acting! Plus Bale's Batman sounded like Clint Eastwood with ling cancer. Now I'm not saying Affleck is the most expressive actor in the line up but he has respect for the source material and as the only person involved in the project with Oscars (plural) I'm not the least bit worried. I am however worried about who's going to write the character he is being paid to portray.

Snyder/Goyer

I would never subject you to Goyer's mug. Not that he's ugly! His ears are just too distracting!

Zack Snyder is one of the worst writers I've ever seen and David Goyer seems to do this thing where he stuffs as much "meaning" into a script as he possibly can like a waiter trying to give his customer diabetes with a 5 course meal and 2 deserts. That doesn't mean they don't have strengths; Zack Snyder is an amazing visual director and David Goyer obviously loves his comics. Those things are what made Man of Steel enjoyable; however, the fact that Zack Snyder is touching pen to paper is scaring the sh*t out of me! Though it will mean that this time around it'll actually feel like a Snyder film but that's like saying how pee flavoring will thankfully have more yellow. The biggest issue they'll face is tone. Making a sci-fi noir isn't the easiest thing and if they fail at this imagine when they try to bring a warrior princess, a fish king, a fan boy, and a space soldier into the mix.

What Is In a Name

Seems legit.

This one might seem obvious but it really dictates the whole course of the movie. As a Man of Steel sequel the film should be about Superman, right? Yet whenever I look up the name of the film Batman vs. Superman comes up which is just wrong. Making a movie for the superficial reason of watching Batman and Superman fight isn't going to work for the sole reason that Superman is part of it and kryptonite doesn't exist in this universe (as of yet). Goyer and Snyder have apparently spoke with Frank Miller about The Dark Knight Returns so it's safe to assume they're going to use that as source material for the big brawl. Except that's a Batman novel about an anarchaic senior citizen fighting against a fascist super alien, and seeing as how Superman obviously showed how he didn't want to be part of the government in Man of Steel that could be a wee bit difficult to pull off. The solution? DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT BATMAN FIGHTING SUPERMAN. HAVE IT ABOUT THEM WORKING TOGETHER. That's why the comics were called Superman/Batman because if Superman helped Batman everyone would be saved in a second so how about we get that name down.

We Haven't Seen Sh*t

I really, really, really don't like this animation style. Totally unrealistic for comic book standards!

The closest anyone has gone to seeing Superman and Batman on the same screen is with the glory of animation, so we can we all please stop speculating like f*cking idiots. We don't know how Affleck will be in it, we haven't read the script, we haven't seen the trailer, we have seen absolutely nothing. So please shut the f*ck up. If you really want to see them together go watch the animated adaption of The Dark Knight Returns or Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, or better yet go read the New 52's Batman/Superman which is amazing. Issue #1 involves their first meeting/fight and how Batman was trying to figure out his weakness while Superman was trying to figure out how to not kill the crazy guy in the bat costume. So please, please shut the f*ck up. Thank you. Now let's make a Wonder Woman movie!

Kick-Ass 2 Review

2013-08-27T10:54:00.001-07:00

I f*cking hate writer's block. I haven't written anything in so long! You know what?! F*ck it! This is the End was the funniest movie this year, Much Ado About Nothing was the best Shakespeare adaption I've seen since Romeo + Juliet, Man of Steel forgot to include Superman, Monsters University was a fantastic prequel albeit weaker, Lone Ranger was a piece of sh*t until the end, Turbo was average, The Wolverine was average, Only God Forgives was the worst movie I've seen since Sucker Punch, and Elysium was the best movie this year that just made me want more! Who is ready for a review of Kick-Ass 2?! No one!? Okay!

Hit-Girl

**I still think Big Momma's House 2 was the performance of her career.**

Oh, you're still here? Oh sh*t. Umm, I guess I can say some stuff. Not a lot to say though. Maybe I'll buffer everything with comic book stuff. So Hit-Girl is trying to fit into normal girl society even though she's basically a sociopath. It's quite funny witnessing the first time she listens to a boy band. I would have loved a scene where she just watches "best of vine" stuff on YouTube and just be utterly confused at the prospect of twerking. Buffer Time! Have you noticed that Hit-Girl and Big Daddy look eerily similar to Batman and Huntress? She's a purple-wearing daughter of a bad ass (who talks like Adam West) who isn't afraid to kill. Thank Gawd they didn't base her on Damian or else she would have been stabbed and shot to death.

Justice Forever

I love that the parents are still looking for their son. Time to punch drug dealer

Jim Carrey is pretty funny in this as Colonel Stars and Stripes but the real fun is Justice Forever, a group of vigilantes who have some legit reasons to fight on the side of justice. It's interesting to watch Kick-Ass, a punk kid who just did it because he loves comics, be seen as a sort of idol by people trying to stop the sex slave trade, child abduction, and homophobic bigotry. It's interesting in that it shows the simple actions of an idiot can lead a movement. Or some sh*t like that. While I'm on the subject of teams all of you reading this (All two of you! What? My shadow counts!) should check out the last issue of Demon Knights at DC Comics. It is by far their best team title that's fun, controversial, world building, and just extremely well written. Halfway through they switched artists and writers and not a beat was skipped. That's rare, if not impossible.

Kick-Ass

Doesn't this image just capture his name perfectly

This was seriously the only picture of Kick-Ass I found where he isn't pushed to the side or given second billing. For a movie titled Kick-Ass 2 this movie would be exactly the same without him. I always liked the idea of Kick-Ass though because it was the exact same origin story as the Flash. Any Flash for that matter. A roughly young comic nerd who looks up to those heroes in the panels chooses to become a superhero and save lives. Jay Garrick was inspired by his father, Barry Allen was inspired by Jay and Shazam, and each consecutive version was inspired by the latest.The only difference being that the Flash is the greatest superhero ever and if you disagree I will punch you in your stupid face, stupid!

The Motherf*cker

Dude, cover your mouth when you yawn. Oh wait, you're evil.

So McLovin wants to kill Kick-Ass because Kick-Ass killed his father. That's actually a good reason. It's more of a reason to be a super anything than motherf*cking Kick-Ass. It's also pretty hysterical how he names his minions with slight racism causing his last remaining form of family to be a little disgusted in him. It's funny because as a comic book nerd like Kick-Ass he bases his decisions off the comics and knowing that comics can get that kind of racist is a nice tongue-in-cheek aimed at the industry. I also must add that why is it okay for heroes in Marvel to kill but not heroes in DC? Whenever Iron Man kills a foe we all cheer about how he deserved it, but if Superman were to kill Zod as a last resort we're all pretty disgusted by it. Did Zod not deserve it? Was he not going to be executed anyways for his crimes against humanity? I'm not taking a side, just making an observation on how we view our heroes.

Conclusion

**Am I the only one annoyed with that hyphen? F*ck you, hyphen!**

Super was still better on every conceivable level. Yeah just see Super instead. Rainn Wilson is a gem in that film. Up next: The World's End!

Pacific Rim Review

2013-07-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start these kind of interactions. I always get nervous approaching a new venture like yourself. I saw you from across the hall and you looked pretty cool. You're not like everybody else here. You're lighthearted, fun, and genuinely original. I miss meeting unique people. Plus look at your style! You look brand new yet I can see the influences from the past! That shows respect and I love that. Oh I'm sorry, my name is Ethan. Nice to meet you, Pacific Rim.

Coming Together

I wonder if during the mind meld he gets to experience Aunt Flow's visits.

I want to clear up something I'm sure a lot of people are on the fence about when thinking about seeing this film. It's not just giant robots punching giant monsters. This is Guillermo del Toro we're talking about! The man gave us Pan's Labyrinth! The films substance lies in it's premise which is that after giant monsters showed up all the countries have decided to join hands in stopping these creatures by fighting fire with fire. The interesting part is that to pilot these mechas requires the teamwork between two people and in that we understand the film is about putting aside our differences and connecting; creating a bond through trust and respect that surpasses race, nationality, and gender.

Good Clean Fun

**I have no caption for this image other than F*CK YES.**

And then all the giant brawling starts! It's f*cking awesome! You might think that watching Goliaths completely and utterly wreck an entire city might be depressing but it's not! The reason is actually rather simple; the city has been evacuated. One of the problems with the ending of Man of Steel is that Superman totally destroyed multiple buildings and killed 1000's of people. This is of course right after the genocide of his entire species. Superman: Fun Sh*t. Pacific Rim realized this and actually makes it so that you can enjoy the amazingly grande and epic robot vs. monster fights without the horror of knowing that our hero just killed innocent lives. The horror!

Paying Homage

So that's what a Kaiju's Vinegar Strokes looks like.

The best part of this film and certainly it's central appeal is how it pays homage to classic Japanese cinema and anime such as Gojira, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and so much more. Even the giant monsters are referred to as Kaiju which is of course the Japanese term for giant monsters. The design of the mechas even call back to my childhood's memories of Gundam and the like. I love movies that pay homage but are still able to stand on their own two feet. It acts as a reminder of the past when looking toward the future.

Conclusion

**I have a sudden urge to watch Gurren Lagann...**

I do have one gripe with this film though; the characters are flatter than week old Coke. I do mean Coke the soda and not Coke the hard core drug. Do drugs even get flat? I do not endorse testing this! The message of unity also doesn't hit home as hard as it should. It should be much harder if it ever wants to show it's strength and insert it's substance in us. I hope the innuendo isn't too childish for you all, but who am I kidding? Everyone loves some childish fun every now and then! That's what's so great about Pacific Rim! It doesn't bog itself down with being too pretentious but just being a fun blockbuster! Which brings me to my final statement; see this movie and support it for having the balls to be original in a sea of sequels (Despicable Me 2), prequels (Monsters University), reboots (Man of Steel), and remakes (Lone Ranger).Let us cancel the apocalypse!

Bling Ring Review

2013-07-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

Like many, I was pretty excited when I saw the trailer for Bling Ring. There are 3 reasons as to why: 1) Emma Watson was in it, and she’s been pretty successful in her post-Potter roles. 2) The real life story behind the movie is fascinating. 3) I have a weakness for tragedies of which a character death takes place, and not physical death. This is when a character is a fairly normal/ successful person at the start of the story, then suddenly an event causes them to be obsessed with an idea (money, fame, revenge) and this idea causes their personality to do a complete 180, leading to their ultimate demise. Good examples of Character death would be Sweeney Todd, Death Note, Lord of the Flies, Requiem for a Dream, and even Great Gatsby in a sense. With everything I’ve researched on the Bling Ring, this seemed to be a prime example of one of those movies. A fascinating true life story of how the idea of fame consumed and destroyed the life of upper-class west coast teens. I say seemed to be because it wasn’t, and in fact it is the single most irritating movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

Character Death aka Wishing the Characters Death

That dude looks like such a hipster. Is it wrong of me to classify someone based on their looks?

For any of you who have lived on Earth you should know that Lord of the Flies is some pretty screwed up stuff. The writer of which probably gets off on the thought of civilized white English school boys killing and mutilating each other wearing nothing but loin cloth. While I understand that this is a pretty, er, EXTREME example of Character Death, it’s an excellent example nonetheless. See in Lord of the Flies, the boys start off civilized and professional as society has taught them to be, however, over time they turn into monstrous savages that like crushing fat kids with boulders and torturing symbolic Jesus’. However in Bling Ring, these characters start of as complete and utter losers and the only one that didn’t, who is the main character, is completely unrelatable and has the personality of dry wall. Actually I take that back, Dry Wall, you aren’t as boring as this kid is. So the movie starts off with the protagonist being the new kid at a probationary high school, so yes, already his future looks bright. In the first 10 minutes, boring kid and a girl named Rebecca become best friends on the heartwarming foundation of, “Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s some cars, let’s rob them maybe!” Despite being the only character with somewhat of a conscious, he just idly stands by as his new found friend robs each open car she comes into contact with.

Ok, I can’t really complain about that, I mean where would the story be if he were a remotely a decent person? And that’s not it, The rest of the firkin cast was just as horrible and as obnoxious as the two main characters are. They have NO redeeming qualities other than the innate ability to get away with robbing celebrities and the ability to snort as much coke without suffering cardiac arrest. As part of the audience, what turned into minor annoyance for me and my friends turned into a full on Gladiator audience mentality in the first hour. In fact, in one part of the movie, one of the intoxicated Bling Ring members found a gun underneath Megan Fox’s bed and began waving it around. I literally was like, “SHOOT THEM, SHOOT THEM ALL! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I CAN’T SIT THOUGH ANYMORE WITHOUT SEEING BLOOD!” We all wanted the characters to die, and not just die, but die of slow painful deaths for making us waste 12 dollars we could have spent on food. Point being that instead of feeling some pity for these deranged teens, we instead just wanted the end to come sooner so they would shut the hell up.

Editing

This is what I got when I Googled "bling ring editing"

I think part of what made this film so unbearable is the fact that these scenes weren’t cut down to an appropriate length. There are certain movies in which this was actually done well, for example After Midnight is one. The whole movie consisted of about maybe ten scenes, but it was done so well with such impressive and entertaining dialogue and actors that it almost seemed too short. Bling Ring on the other hand is a prime example of how this move can prove risky, if you don’t have the right actors or writing. Even the one “comedic moment” of Bling Ring, which was the part where the Main Character recorded a video of himself rapping and smoking weed, was like finger nails on a chalk board. A scene that was suppose to be maybe half a minute to a minute at the most, went on for three to four. (Maybe it was shorter, but it felt way longer than it should have). The robbing scenes were also pretty painful, because, again…THESE CHARACTERS ARE AWFUL!

Watson Written Wrongly

How Hermoine acted when she was alone with Ron. Mmmm get that magic stick, gurl!

Yes she’s hot, yes I love her, however she was awful in this. To be honest, it isn’t her fault, and is instead a product of Good Actor/Crap Writing. Robert Pattinson suffered similarly when he was cast as Edward in Twilight, causing the rest of the world to blackball him as an awful actor, when in reality it was the writing that was screwed up. It was almost painful to watch her, not because the character was so awful, but because no one wrote any character. Where's the writing? No I’m serious, Where is it? The dialogue for the movie was literally, “Omg Becky, I want to rob. I want to be Paris Hilton, LOL Like totally snorting coke!” The. Whole. Time. Most of the robbing scenes seemed like they were improvised, which would have been wonderful if the characters weren’t so damn irritating. Imagine the most moronic valley girl you know. OK, now imagine hearing her talk for an hour and a half. Viola! You have Bling Ring!

Conclusion

This person's a mom.

So after a string of robberies, they get caught by security camera’s in Lindsay Lohan’s home (surprise surprise!) and they are arrested and questioned. All admit to the crimes they’ve committed and the Main Character and his Kleptomaniac friend get sent to jail for four years, Emma Watson's character and the blonde girl who was with them were sentenced to one year. To be honest, this was another thing I found extremely bizarre about the movie, which would be the fact that they were arrested on felony charges and tried in court and most of the characters were very flippant about it, almost as if they failed a math test. The only real reaction to getting imprisoned was Emma Watson’s and the male character. But even her character joked and laughed about it on her way. Very weird and unrealistic (actually….Jodi Aris…. I take that back). Overall, this had potential to be an amazing film, but the shallowness and poor writing made it the most irritating film I’ve seen, and possibly will see in a very long time. I’m out!

The Purge Review

2013-06-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

The year is 2022 and America is run by a group known as the New Founding Fathers (How can you found something that's already been founded? Did they just re-market America as New America? I guess they're luckier than Pepsi.) and they have started a national pastime called "purging." Once a year, for 12 hours, everything is legal. You can do whatever you want and no police or ambulances will be on duty. Think about how many stories that premise could tell; hackers bringing down corrupt organizations, banks losing all their money, children burning down schools, and just utter chaos everywhere. Sadly, when I asked my mother for further examples she said "I'd get a better job." In The Purge though, everyone just resorts to killing. That's it. But why do this at all? Read on to find out!

Anger Management

Has a house full of guns, uses a bat. Got a regular Mark McGwire over here!

That's right, it's for regulating rage. Which is bullsh*t. I'm pretty sure we've all been told or at least heard at some time or another that in order to control our rage we have to release short bursts of it on unsuspecting stress balls and innocent pillows. Well guess what? Our brains do this thing where if we enjoy something we create a habit of it and creating a habit of punching sh*t just so that you don't punch sh*t is kinda counter intuitive. The purge is all about how we "purge" to cleanse our soul like America has suddenly turned into a cult in less than a decade. And of course letting everyone kill each other like animals has led to a lower unemployment rate. Wait what?

Being Poor Sucks

Of course the homeless guy is black! Otherwise it wouldn't make sense!

The Purge's "message" is about class struggles and to show that they cram down your throat the fact that the only people who participate in it are the rich (i.e. the only people who don't need to actually participate) and all the victims are the poor (i.e. the only people who actually need to participate). You'd think the purge would cause the poor to go after after the 1%. Oh wait! The poor are now the 1%! Not because the purge has raised employment, but because all the homeless are f*cking dead! Since 3 million is 1% of the populace and we are currently near 12 million unemployed in the nation that means 1 million homeless people have been killed per year in the purge. And the current total homicides per year in the US is 16,259. Holy sh*t!! How is this better?! At least the movie is scary, right? Right?

Trolling

U MAD BRO?

Do you remember The Strangers? Well too bad because for the intent of this paragraph you do. Look it up, lazy! The Strangers started a whole thing where people wear masks and troll. And not the trolling you're thinking about. See the good kind of trolling in horror is when the villains plays with our hero. Toys with them. Shows them that they see this as just another game to play. That's scary because it shows the hopelessness of the situation. Then we have the type of trolling where the villain trolls the audience, which is fcking stupid. It's the scenes where we see the villain behind the main character and then when the main character turns around they're gone. Even though their was no place to hide. The movie is essential trying to scare you with bullsht. This movie has tons of that. I'm not scared by someone standing in the background doing nothing. You know what's the weird part though? This movie is actually an action flick.

Rooting for the Underdog

Why is that eye slot there? You have cameras everywhere! WHY??

See the main plot is that this rich family locks down their home when suddenly the caring son opens up the metal doors for a homeless man to hide from a bunch of rich entitled kids. The kids wait outside for the family to turn in the man or else they'll break in and kill everyone. During this time the family contemplates the morals of sending an innocent man out to die versus sheltering him. It's actually interesting watching this family tie him up and even stab him a few times only to realize "Oh sh*t, this is wrong." By the time the kids get their equipment the family decides to fight back. I liked this part of the movie because they didn't cower in fear. They took a stand. The audience literally cheered several times at this part and no matter your feelings about the film that shows a lot.

Conclusion

"Hello, neighbor. Welcome to the neighborhood."

I think it's safe to say the overall review of this movie is negative. So don't let that last bit of praise get to your heads, Ethan Hawke fans! I specifically say Ethan Hawke fans because he gets stabbed to death and when his family needs him the homeless man shows up and saves them all! Ha! Hobo trumps Hawke! I wonder how many people read my blog posts and are offended by what I say. Like a fan of The Strangers or some other movie I probably dislike. It's not my fault I go to the movies for a serviceable story with likeable characters. Chances are your reasons for liking a movie I dislike are totally justifiable like good effects or good action. At the end of the day we just have to remember one simple fact; I'm right and you're wrong so shuddup!

Iron Man III Review

2013-06-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

I know this is a bit late but what the hell? I've had this film fester in my mind for a while now and can say without a doubt in my mind that I loved it. It is one of the best finales to a trilogy I've seen that belongs up there with Last Crusade and Back to the Future Part III. It's also the first movie I've seen that's technically the sequel to two movies; Iron Man II and The Avengers. Sadly, Iron Man II had the unfortunate duty of mainly being a preview for The Avengers and failed as a movie itself. Without having anything to hold it back Iron Man III shines as it focuses on Tony Stark in a post-Avengers world. I wonder how he'll handle it.

What Makes a Hero?

Don't be ashamed that you need supplements, Tony. Sometimes we all need a little performance booster.

Apparently, not that well. After learning of the existence of gods and aliens Tony suffers from intense panic attacks paired with memories of when he flew through the portal in New York fully intending to sacrifice himself in the same manner Captain America did in World War II. He has PTSD. This premise alone is brilliant because it shows the result of when a narcissist learns that he is no longer a big guy. He is now very small in the larger scope of the universe and as such falls into a routine that feels comfortable and safe; building armors. What this does is service a great story where Tony must learn that Iron Man is not the suit, but the man. Thankfully, a little boy is there to help him come to that realization. I don't know why but Shane Black thrives when he's writing buddy cop films. I mean have you seen Last Action Hero? It's a parody/satire of the very genre he writes and it's brilliant! And just like in that film Shane uses a child to add perspective here. In the end, Tony removes his chest piece and gets a clean slate by destroying all the armors he had built to make him feel safe for a hero is judged not by his tools, but by his courage.

The Ring's Are a Lie

Wouldn't it suck if we found out Osama was also just an actor? I'm sure he'd get an honorary Oscar.

Prior to the film's release a lot of rumors circulated about a post-credits scene where Tony flies into outer space. This rumor had some traction in the fact that the Avengers sequel was set to a more cosmic tune and as such would need a set up in space. Added to that was the fact that the Mandarin's power was from 10 rings with extra-terrestrial origins. At least in the comics. That's why the twist in Iron Man III is so good because it twists expectations. What?! Puns can be funny too! So turns out the Mandarin is just a bluefin tuna. Or was it red herring? Eh, they're both fish. As I was saying, he is just a ruse. An actor paid to play the part of an international terrorist who represents everything we fear in the like. The parallel's to 9/11 are everywhere as we see America on the defense after an attack on New York causes us to invade the East in order to find a single threat. But who is the real threat?

A.I.M. Creates Extremis to Rule the World

**"Ah, but the black man lives in the White House. Get it? I'm so smart and sh*t."**

Comic Book Lesson 107: A.I.M. is a think tank with the intention of overthrowing world governments through technological superiority, and they often use organizations as a front to their true goals. Extremis is a drug that rewrites a person's genetic code as a means of recreating the super soldier serum at a different angle. Tony, in the comics, used Extremis as a means to interface with technology and become faster and stronger. Iron Man III combines these ideas by having A.I.M. invent Extremis in order to create super hot fire soldiers and even human bombs as a means to take over the country thanks to a partnership with the Vice President. In order to fit the theme of the film, Tony doesn't inject himself with Extremis like in the comics. I like that. Tony is already powerful enough. A.I.M.'s inclusion gives the film a James Bond feel and thanks to Tony's various gadgets the film pulls it off relatively well by making him both Bond and Q. The only problem with A.I.M. is that their motivation starts and ends with "wants to rule the world." That's like soooo superficial. You'd think with that slogan S.H.I.E.L.D. would pop their head out and say hello.

Where is S.H.I.E.L.D.?

They're filming the new ABC series, dumbass!

Iron Man II dug the series a little hole with the inclusion of S.H.I.E.L.D. into it's plot because it showed us a world where they were involved with damn near everything. Thor pulled it off much better because it made more sense within the context of the story. A strange object feel to Earth and the government is studying it. I understand that Marvel is trying to save S.H.I.E.L.D. for the Captain America sequel and that is a great idea. That shows that they're trying to fix the problem Iron Man II created. It allows stories with Iron Man and Thor to breathe and grow, but just like it made sense in Thor for them to be involved it makes sense for them to be involved in a plot about an organization trying to take over the country. Hell, wouldn't that have helped the James Bond feel? Having Nick Fury in place of M giving James Rhodes (i.e. War Machine (i.e. Iron Patriot)) orders in the East to look for the Mandarin while Tony is in the West and just so happens to walk into him? Like I said, it's a small hole but it's a hole nevertheless.

Conclusion

Look at all the pretty Christmas lights! AHHHH!!! THEY BURN!!!

For those of you who don't know who Shane Black is he is the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and now Iron Man III. He's kinda funny. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was also his directorial debut and also starred Robert Downey, Jr. Hmmm maybe that's why Robert said Black is the only transition from Favreau he'd sign off on. I guess we'll never know for sure! It's also interesting to note that all those movies I just mentioned have a Christmas theme. Damn you, Black! Stop thrusting your agenda down my throat! Wow, that sounded a lot more gay than I ever intended. Where was I? Oh right, a review! Black was the perfect guy to take the mantle for this series. He knows how to write witty dialogue and intense action, but most importantly he knows how to pair up a liberal off-the-chains white guy with a conservative by-the-books black guy. That's what Iron Man has always been about; interracial bromance.

Star Trek 2 Review

2013-06-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Introduction: I don't really see this new Star Trek series as Star Trek. I see it more as a demo reel JJ Abrams prepared for Disney alongside Super 8, so he can show off how much he loves the movie brats and how awesome he would be as a director for Star Wars. And you know what? He totally would! The effects are really good, the action scenes are interesting, the make up for aliens isn't f*cking CG, and Kirk even says "Punch it." That's Han Solo's line! Coincidentally, those are the only things that are good in Star Trek Into Darkness because this movie can go straight to Vulcan (and in case you didn't see the first Star Trek, Vulvan was turned into a black hole for some reason).

The Motherf*cking Plot: Before I get into anything I'd like to first try to explain the plot. Holy sh*t, this plot. So after the first film the Admiral of Starfleet just decides to trek through the stars because he believes an inevitable war with Klingon will occur. No, Klingon has nothing to do with the first film. He comes upon a 300 year old space craft with 73 frozen super-criminals and thaws one out so he can design the most high tech weapons ever seen. A 300 year old British guy named Khan. Makes sense. For some reason Khan decides to stop and hides his cryo-criminal crew inside missiles in place of explosives. He leaves and thinks the Admiral killed his crew, so he bombs some stuff in order to set up the Admiral for an assault but is foiled by Kirk and teleports to Klingon. The Admiral unknowingly puts the frozen criminal missiles on the Enterprise and orders Kirk to bomb Khan on Klingon, but the Admiral tampers with the Enterprise's engines so it gets stranded near the Klingon planet. So the Enterprise crew go get Khan and in the process murder dozens of Klingon soldiers while also finding the frozen criminals in the missiles. The Admiral shows up with a big ship because...stuff...and shoots the Enterprise because Khan is on it. The Enterprise shoots Khan and Kirk at the big ship to stop it and they succeed, but then Khan is like "Give me my frozen crew and I'll blow you up!" So the Enterprise gives him the missiles but switches out the frozen bodies with actual explosives. So everything blows up, Kirk dies, comes back to life, and a year later the Klingons have still not retaliated against the murder of their people. I guess you were wrong Admiral YOU F*CKING IDIOT.

The Motherf*cking Story: "Hey Ethan, the story is the plot! Idiot!" FALSE. The plot is the events that unfold, the story is the character's journey through the plot. For instance, a plot point in Dark Knight is that the Joker burned half of Harvey Dent's face and turned him evil. The story is how Harvey Dent realized that his way of doing things led to his deformity and his fiance's death, and as such he decides to take a different route to uphold the justice he has always sought. It's important when watching a movie to get inside a character's head and think about the story. What the f*ck was the story for Star Trek Into Darkness? I can't tell because everyone has the same story. Kirk learns to be a leader, Spock learns to accept his emotions, and the villain wants revenge. The story is the same as the first one! What the hell?! What's the point of the f*cked up plot if the story is the same? No one truly learns anything. It's like an 80s Saturday morning cartoon. It ends with the status quo. The movie struggles to come up with something at the end but it just comes off as retarded. Revenge? Really? But Kirk's want for revenge led to finding the truth about the missiles and the Admiral, and so did Spock's revenge when he captured Khan in order to revive Kirk. I guess the real story was about how revenge can lead to good things. Wait, isn't that the story of Revenge of the Nerds? Oh 80s, you crazy bastard.

The Motherf*cking Lens Flares: Actually, kinda bearable.

Conclusion: You know what's funny? Fast & Furious 6 is quite similar to this movie. It's about a team of individuals who work to stop a threat that mirrors them and they learn the importance of family. Star Trek just couldn't figure that out. It was too busy trying to reference every little thing from the Star Trek series WHICH ISN'T WHAT MAKES A STAR TREK FILM. It needs, above all else, heart. So does that mean Fast & Furious 6 is a better film? In my correct opinion, yes, very much so. 6 films in and it's more fun and charming than whatever the hell this was.

Revolving: Random Access Memories

2013-05-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

Introduction: I remember the first time I listened to Daft Punk; I was watching Toonami and enjoying my religious viewing of Tenchi Muyo (or whatever anime was on) when during their commercial break a music video came on with an awesome animation of aliens being disguised as humans. It took many years before I found out that was Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. I was in love and now Discovery is one of my favorite album's of all time. Human After All was released later on and while it was a good album it missed that child-like optimism and sheer fun Discovery exuded. Alive 2007 was next up and really elevated their library into one whole as a live album masterpiece. Lastly, Tron: Legacy had it's soundtrack done by the duo and their use of orchestration brought an extra layer of emotion to their soulful music. Now we have Random Access Memories, an album that looks back at fond memories in order to create new ones.

Cover Art: Did you know that RAM is defined as a device that allows data to be accessed directly in any random order? That's exactly what this album is as we see a cover where the Daft Duo's faces are placed side by side with the words Random Access Memories above them in a style seen only in the 70's/80's. We are directly accessing the inspirations from Daft Punk as the album pays tribute to the era that shaped them with legendary collaborators like Chic's Nile Rodgers, disco producer Giorgio Moroder, and legendary songwriter Paul Williams lending a hand as fellow collaborators Pharrell Williams, Animal Collective's Panda Bear, and Strokes' Julian Casablancas show that these legend's voices live on in modern artists.

Give Life Back to Music: Within the first 20 seconds we have Nile Rodgers use his guitar to build up into a crescendo that ends with a smooth groove. This album has officially started. Daft Punk's vocoder voices lay down the chorus about how you should "Give life back to music." After finishing that Nile Rodgers takes center stage with an amazing riff. We get another crescendo followed by more Daft Punk and Nile Rodgers gold. A final crescendo appears followed by a bass-lined rhythm accompanied by the sound of a party and it just keeps going and going as it slowly fades out...

The Game of Love: A track full of lament about love lost. The music itself isn't that great but the lyrics are so heartfelt and deep that it genuinely sounds like a robot who had it's heart broken. Thomas Bangalter has stated the intention of the song was to "produce robotic vocals with expressiveness and emotion" and he has without a doubt succeeded. A nice track but at 5 and a half minutes it definitely overstays it's welcomes.

Giorgio by Moroder: For those of you who don't know who Giorgio Moroder is he is an Italian disco god who gave us some of Donna Summer's best work. He basically monologues his life on this track as Daft Punk matches his life's growth with an ever evolving music that starts with a busy crowd, some nice disco, and then turns into some synthesizer heavy 80's music. Halfway through it turns into jazz fusion accompanied later with a beautiful string percussion and then for the last 3 minutes we get drums, bass, guitar, and synthesizers going crazy all over the place like some insane house music. It's amazing listening to this song express so many different musical styles into a 9 minute track. When I heard Daft Punk drew inspiration from Dark Side of the Moon I was a little worried but thanks to their skill with rhythm, grooves, and beat nothing ever becomes boring.

Within: A transition song hidden within (Ha! Punny!) a beautiful near 4 minute song that once again let's you hear the pain within the heart (CPU?) of a machine. Chilly Gonzales is amazing behind the piano as he gives the emotion behind the robot that much more impact. The song is all about feeling lost and looking for some direction.

Instant Crush: A Strokes song. Seriously. Daft Punk has their signature all over it though with synthesizers and Julian Casablancas voice fed through a vocoder. Sure we all love his voice but thanks to the vocoder it insures this is a Daft Punk song. We get a short guitar solo in here too! I can't help but think about Digital Love and how amazing that song sounded with it's amazing groove and the guitar solo finale.

Lose Yourself to Dance: Am I the only one who still thinks it's weird that Pharrell Williams was included on this album? I know it's already been explained as Pharrell being interested in making Nile Rodgers-ish music at the same time as Daft Punk (I bet someone made a conspiracy site about this very topic) but wouldn't someone like Lady Gaga or La Roux been more appropriate? Where are all the ladies?! This album was inspired by an era with people like Blondie, Madonna, and Donna Summers! Oh wait, Blondie is a band, but still! Anyways, the song is rather simple as it has Pharrell singing about how you should "Lose yourself to dance" while Nile Rodgers lays down an amazing guitar riff and Daft Punk keep repeating "C'mon C'mon C'mon" in the background over and over. For 6 minutes that might sound bad but it totally works.

Touch: Wow, this song is beautiful. Just a gorgeous centerpiece in an album full of great songs. The song starts hauntingly as a tribute to Paul Williams for nearly 2 minutes that makes you feel in space. But after that we suddenly hear Paul himself sing about contact with others. It's extremely moving as the song moves through various emotions with the music. First, some subtle keyboards that bloom into disco then shift into some beautiful strings and then transform again into horns and piano just having fun. Suddenly, the space atmosphere returns as a voice tells us "If love is the answer, hold on." Then silence. Paul Williams ends the song singing about touch as the piano accompanies him. Just an amazing song that warps through various sounds like a hallucinatory dream in outer space while a man pours his heart out about wanting a connection. Just. Wow.

Get Lucky: Okay, we all heard this song before. If not, here is the link. Nile Rodgers and Pharrell Williams return for a track similar in sound to Give Life Back to Music and Lose Yourself to Dance. The song is supposed to be about getting lucky in that you find that special someone, but we all know Pharrell wants dat booty. I think this would have been a perfect instance of having a female singer to better show the romantic intentions behind this song. Is that sexist of me? Is it sexist to say a woman's voice is more romantic while a man's is more sexual? But I don't think P!nk, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Nicki Minaj, or Miley Cyrus sound romantic at all! It's all mature adult content! Maybe Justin Bieber? She's a girl, right? But Justin's a boy name. Weird. Or maybe when Pharrell said it was about finding someone he was just trying to make it so that no one could criticize the lyrics for being shallow. I'm sorry, I really just want La Roux and Daft Punk to team up.

Beyond: This song starts with a full orchestration that is just lovely until the 43 second mark where it turns into a funky song about finding love beyond the scope of the world. The lyrics aren't really that great until the 2 minute mark where you finally hear that robotic emotion you've heard before. It's like Within except more upbeat, more fun. Wait a second, is there a pattern here? We have disco songs like Give Life Back to Music, Instant Crush, Lose Yourself to Dance, and Get Lucky. Then we have more prog ventures like Giorgio by Moroder and Touch. Finally, we have the more electronic songs like The Game of Love, Within, and now Beyond. Let's see what the next song is! I bet it's more prog rock because prog needs some more love here!

Motherboard: Aaaannnnnndddd it's a prog song! That'll be $20. What do you mean you don't remember betting? You calling me a liar? You better be careful, I hear falling down the stairs leads to black eyes. What was I saying again? Oh yeah! This is a very futuristic piece that at the 3 minute mark turns into something that sounds like one of Can's weirder songs (look it up, lazy). Even some hard drums. It leaves as quickly as it arrived. The inclusion is well timed because it makes sure the song doesn't turn stale (which it was). The songs ends with the sounds of water droplets.

Fragments of Time: Todd Edwards drops by to join in on another disco song and it sounds great. Hey! Remember that missing epic guitar solo I mentioned in the Instant Crush paragraph?! Of course you do! Well it's totally in here! I guess Daft Punk heard my criticism. Only makes sense. Wow, it's getting harder and harder to write comprehensive paragraphs about these songs. Or maybe it's because this song just doesn't quite reach the same level the rest of the album does...

Doin' It Right: I was fairly intrigued when I heard Panda Bear was going to be on this album. Whenever anyone asks me "What the f*ck? Who the f*ck is Panda Bear?" I just look at them and say a drummer who sounds like the techno version of Brian Wilson. Seriously, check it out. At the same time Daft Punk wanted a west coast vibe and the Beach Boys are very west coast. The song sounds like a normal Daft Punk song where the duo sing about 'Doin' it right" and then suddenly Panda Bear's ethereal voice jumps in a minute in. Interesting. He sings "If you lose your way tonight that's how you know the magic's right." You heard him, folks, if your moral compass goes off track that means you're having fun! He probably means something else just like how Get Lucky "means something else." An interesting song that blends Daft Punk and Panda Bear surprisingly well.

Contact: If this song is a memory of anything it's definitely the late 90's, early 2000's. Techno was kinda big then and this song totally encompasses that. Daft Punk even brought in former ally-in-beats DJ Falcon to help with the production. We have the space mission recording, the grinding sound effect, and the ever building tempo dying down in the end. This song is a perfect closer and really reminds me of Homework and it's progressive house sound. I can tell this song will play at a lot of raves. Just wow. Holy crap! I just realized Daft Punk used mankind's dream of finding alien life as a parallel to a robot's dream of finding a romantic connection!

Conclusion: I love albums that try to bring in numerous influences under one roof and make them all work together seamlessly. It makes it easier for me when I try to figure out what albums to bring on trips. Why bring four albums when I just need the one? The idea of the infinite influences of Daft Punk being condensed into one album and plucked at random for the listeners enjoyment is a great idea. It's like we found the old RAM of a mysterious robot and we're just going through it's records at random. It might sound like their is no cohesion between tracks or that song placement is weird and that is true to point, but that's an inevitable drawback to this direction that I will gladly see past for this breathtaking album. The Robots have never felt so vulnerable, so passionate, so human.

Evil Dead Review

2013-04-12T05:33:00.001-07:00

Introduction: The Evil Dead series is one of my personal favorite trilogies of all time. Not only does the protagonist have an arc from normal to lunatic to absolute bad-ass but so does the tone itself as it shifts from horror to comedy. That's amazing. When I heard they were remaking the original film I was both excited and apprehensive. Or is it a reboot? On Wikipedia it's listed as a reboot and f*ck you Wikipedia can be a reliable source. But it has so many similarities to the original. What the f*ck is this?

Is it a Reboot?: So our story starts in modern times with a group of friends going to a cabin in the woods in order to rehabilitate their friend. It's an interesting concept but I have to ask...why? Why is this important to the story? Why is this here beyond "Look! I'm different!"? Simply put, it's pointless. The story isn't about a girl learning to get off drugs, it's about demons trying to troll a bunch of youngins and their crazy ways. New characters, new motivation, new time, etc. So it must be a reboot, right?

Is it a Remake?: But wait! There's more! While a reboot does start things from scratch a remake just does the same thing with a more modern take for those youthful youths who weren't alive during the 80s. F*cking youths. That's where things get strange as we watch this movie rehash things from The Evil Dead 1-2 such as cutting off a limb, an Oldsmobile, a necklace in the shape of a skull, and a lot of gore. Hell, I just kept thinking throughout the movie "Which one is Ash? Which is Ash?" even though it's a f*cking reboot without Ash. The problem with all this is that the original series was campy horror and while some elements of campiness can be seen in this film it is mainly gore and horror and because of that all of those campy scenes come off as weird.

Is it a Sequel?: But wait! There's more! The director/writer is quoted as saying that this movie is set 30 years after the first one at the same house with the same book and is also the reason why the Oldsmobile is still there. Wait, what the f*ck? So this movie is set in the same timeline as the original? I don't believe it *waits until after the credits and sees Bruce Campbell as Ash* Well sh*t. What are they going to call the next one? The Evil Dead 5? Evil Dead 2? Army of Darkness 2?

Conclusion: But wait! There's more! Oh, never mind, got caught up in the moment. As you can tell this movie's biggest issue is that it doesn't know what to be. Not only as a remake/reboot/sequel but also as a horror film. Either be a gory reboot or a campy remake! WHY THE F*CK WOULD THIS BE A SEQUEL?!?! If you like lots of gore though this is the movie for you because it has stuff like limb dismemberment, crowbar beatings, nail gun fun, self-mutilation, and my personal favorite; TREE RAPE. Yeah, probably just see it for that.

Witches Galore

2013-03-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

The beginning of the year f*cking sucks. Seriously. Well at least when it comes to movies. The reason behind this is because all the big Oscar movies came out at the end of the year and since people love watching Oscar winners (to make themselves seem more educated) Hollywood doesn't want to take away from those money makers. Also cheap, bad movies still make a solid amount of money because audiences. Just audiences. For some reason though these first few months have had an obsession with witches. I am completely and utterly confused by this. Are witches disposable monsters or something? Hollywood is so sexist! Monsterist?

Hansel and Gretel

**Oh sweet! It's Hawkeye and...that girl...from Clash of the Titans...?**

I understand. I get it. I like the idea. It wasn't executed well. Hansel and Gretel is a gritty retelling of a classic story about how Hansel and Gretel grew up to become witch hunters. That's a great idea! I love movies where the idea is to continue a fairy tail past it's conclusion. It makes it feel more relatable, but with Hansel and Gretel the creators are making more of a self aware comedy and the trick with that though it to ham it up. Know that you are part of a self aware comedy, duh. Just look at Michael Sheen in the last Twilight movie! Sadly, no one in this movie plays up on their silly premise and because of that inability the film comes off as, well, lame. Really, really lame.

Beautiful Creatures

Is it sexist that the movie implies women are sexy creatures?

A movie based on a teen romance/fantasy book! That never happens! Except for all the f*cking time! Anyways, this movie was surprisingly good. The acting was good, the dialogue was good, the effects were good, it was just a solid film. The movie is about a girl moving into town to stay with her uncle and the other kids at school believe she is a witch and berate her constantly. Except she is a witch! The setting is the south so it comes out very meaningful (see: stereotypical). Though the Southern accents can come off as comical and make you chuckle. C'mon, Southern accents are hysterical. One sour spot of the film is that the girl is in a position where she can't choose if she'll be bad or good while men have all the choice they want. Plus the fact that being bad involves being a prankster while being good involves not doing anything. Dafuq is that?!

Oz Prequel

Just make out already! What kind of porno is this?!

I know, I know. I wrote an article about how I wasn't going to see this movie but a friend invited me and I'm a Yes Man. Damn my friendly and awesome attitude! My one true weakness (sans literally everything else). Anyways, I did want to see this as a Sam Raimi fan and was pleased at all the nods toward Army of Darkness. Other than that I was surprised to see Oz's story actually working since the classic portrayed him as a coward and a liar, but Franco still has pothead as his best performance. The world of Oz has so much CG it's actually uninviting to the point of reminding me of the Star Wars prequels, and anything that reminds me of those failures is obviously doing something wrong.

Conclusion

**I felt the need to insert a pic of my favorite witch, Anjelica Huston. What do you mean you haven't seen Witches?! GET ON DAT SH*T!!!**

I find it weird that in all these witch movies their are good and bad witches. Black and white. Right and wrong. No grey area. The hero must also be a normal human male who falls in love for the good witch because men just love good girls. I think that's why their are so many witch movies because they're easy to write. Plus they cover genres like teen romance, horror, comedy, and fantasy. Wider range means wider audience which means more dollars. There's nothing wrong with that but it's so transparent. Something something bewitched etc etc movie magic pun.

Die Hard 5 Review

2013-03-09T17:27:00.001-08:00

Die Hard is my favorite action movie. It's also my favorite Christmas movie. It's not necessarily deep or anything, but it's just done so expertly well. But what makes a Die Hard movie a Die Hard movie? You might have all the elements down in your little list you keep in your brain for whenever this discussion starts up, but in truth it's more complicated. For instance, no one has ever gone out of their way to write a Die Hard movie before. Every Die Hard originated as either a sequel to a franchise (Die Hard was originally Commando 2 and Die Hard with a Vengeance was originally Lethal Weapon 4) or just an adaption of some writing (Die Harder was based on a book and Live Free or Die Hard was based on an article), so the entire franchise has just been good scripts at the wrong place at the wrong time. A Good Day to Die Hard will be the first in the franchise to be written as a Die Hard movie, and the problems just continue from there.

Average Joe John

This scene happens twice! TWICE!!! How lazy can you get?!

John McClane is just an average guy who is in the wrong place at the wrong time, but of course since Homer Simpson would never seriously overcome a group of highly trained thieves and murderers this average John is also a cop. A simple minded cop but a cop nevertheless. This obviously makes John McClane a highly relatable character and is one of the reasons the Die Hard series has such an amazing charm to it. Seeing a guy stuck in a scenario that requires everything he has got to overcome it. Sadly, some idiot thought that with each consecutive Die Hard movie the stakes need to be raised. Die Hard with a Vengeance dealt with this very well by giving John a support cast to explain how he was able to save New York F*cking City. Live Free or Die Hard didn't do this as well but it was passable with the Mac guy solving the techno babble side of things. A Good Day to Die Hard doesn't give John any substantial support and as such it portrays John as a superhero who can survive going to hell and back with ease, but now that he has saved...something...what else is he supposed to do? Save the world? Michael Bay already made Armageddon.

Euro-Terrorist Turned Super-Thief

Yippee Ki-Yay Bow Chica Wow Wow

Now I just want to say the Euro part isn't set in stone. For some reason the movie just comes out better when you have a certain German family member as a villain. The way the story goes is that terrorists highjack something and demand some bullsh*t or else they'll f*ck sh*t up. I don't know how or why someone has intercourse with a piece of excrement let alone upwards but these terrorists will do it! They swear! But then as the third act starts it's revealed that *gasp* all this terrorism is just a distraction while they steal all our moneyz. I think the second one was a tad different but I literally can't remember anything from that movie so let's say YEAH!!! Live Free or Die Hard decided it was going to put the entire country's money at stake and how the f*ck are you supposed to top that?! Well A Good Day to Die Hard doesn't; apparently, these terrorists who aren't confronted by a single Russian officer want to steal uranium. What for? Why? To sell them? To make weapons? How? What? We have no f*cking clue. Plus the fact that all this uranium is coming from Chernobyl just makes me think of Chernobyl Diaries and how much I loathe it's very existence.

Reconnect with Family

Oh look! They're standing similarly and holding their guns similarly too! They must be related!

You might think this one is pretty obvious, but there is more to this than meets the eye. In Die Hard, John has to try to save his wife from the Euro-Terrorist Turned Super-Thief and in doing so he cuts his feet and gets hurt ALL THE TIME since he's an Average ~~Joe~~ John, but this is all happening in LA and John works in NY. What the f*ck is he doing there?! Well he's there in hopes of reconnecting with his wife. That's his primary motivation before and after the terrorists show up. John McClane is basically a knight trying to save the princess from the evil wizard in the dark castle. Except unlike Mario and Zelda the princess is actually his wife! John goes through hell to save the woman he loves and get back together with her. We see this want to reconnect in every Die Hard movie. Even the third briefly talked about how John needs to communicate with his wife. Live Free or Die Hard tried pulling this off at the end randomly, but A Good Die to Die Hard fails at this on all fronts. John goes to Russia to see his son, whom he believes to be a delinquent, and reconnect, yet throughout the whole endeavor he keeps repeating how he is on vacation. No, no you're not, John. You're there to see your f*cking son. It's the f*cking heart of the movie and you ruined it by being forced and retarded. We literally get a scene where a man is bleeding to death after an assassination attempt and he and John just stand in the middle of the street and talk about fatherhood. WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS BULLSH*T?!?!

Conclusion

What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.

F*ck you, A Good Day to Die Hard. F*ck you indeed.

Passing Thoughts of 2012

2013-01-10T09:49:00.001-08:00

Introduction: Typically, at the end of the year I kinda just go through every movie I either didn't have the time to review, had no interest to review, didn't mention in my "best of" and "worst of" lists, or was too afraid to review for fear of being struck down by the Jewish God, Adonai. He's a bit biased when it comes to movies, but that's a story for another time that will never come up. Shall we?

Ghost Rider 2: I love Nicolas Cage. I'm sorry but that man is consistently unintentionally funny. I don't even care if that sentence doesn't work. I still thank the Hollywood executive everyday who thought it was a good idea to mix the guys who did this with the guy who did this.

The Secret World of Arrietty: Studio Ghibli makes some beautifully animated movies. The Secret World of Arrietty (ie The Borrowers) is no exception. The story is a bit slow but this movie almost won my pick for favorite animated film.

The Lorax: Wow, maybe I spoke too soon for worst animated film. I just watched this on Netflix and it is just completely devoid of a soul. The music can't be any more mainstream and "pop," the main motivation for our hero is to make out with an older woman, and the Lorax does literally nothing this whole Gawd damn movie.

John Carter: Did you know that Superman was originally about an alien who came to our planet and because of the gravity difference he gained super strength, super speed, and super jumping (ie no heat vision or flying). John Carter is Superman, b*tches, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Jeff, Who Lives at Home: F*ck this movie. Seriously. It's predictable, the snap zoom is more annoying than lens flare, and it's trying so hard to be an indie it actually rubs you in such the wrong way you wouldn't even let a prostitute rub you that way. Even if she didn't have AIDS.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: I love me a British comedy! Especially a British comedy about old people! Cause old people are so funny! The way they don't understand things and say racist comments. Wait, no, I'm thinking about internet trolls. Anyways, this movie does have some good laughs but it's sadly wayyyy too predictable.

Madagascar 3: I missed the days when cartoons would be cartoony. Characters would explode with no consequence, the laws of physics would break and bend constantly, and it was just plain fun instead of emotional to the point of tears. Thank you, Madagascar 3, for being cartoony.

Your Sister's Sister: So the guy who directed Jeff, Who Lives at Home stars in this movie along with Emily Blunt and boy does it rock. It's about 2 best friends who are secretly in love with each other but then the male accidentally bangs his best friend's lesbian sister. C'mon, it has the L word.

Magic Mike: I went into this movie with a female friend hoping to God I wouldn't see too much dong; however, I was surprised to see that the only nudity involved was of the female variety. Beyond that the story was actually pretty interesting and the acting was pretty solid. Now all they need to do is make a movie about a movie blogger called Ethereal Ethan.

Ted: Wow, this movie was hysterical. Well most of the time. This was Numerous Voices Guy's first feature film as a direcotr and even though I was expecting more I still got plenty of jokes out of it.

The Imposter: This is a documentary about a con man who impersonates as a missing boy from the US. He gets sent to the US to be reunited with his "family" and they actually fall for it. It's very psychological and engaging.

Hope Springs: No, no, no, nope, na-ah, nooooooo, no-no-no-no-no-no, nope, no, no. NOOOOOOOOOO. Any movie with a scene involving Tommy Lee Jones making love to Meryl Streep that leaves you with a deep rooted fear that his face will fall off on her just no. No. Stop.

The Bourne Legacy: A movie that has switched out Bourne with Hawkeye except instead of calling itself Hawkeye it's called Bourne 4 and replaced his bow and arrow with a hand gun and drugs. Yay drugs!

The Campaign: Oh c'mon! Will Ferrell as a politician! That's pure comedy gold! How do you screw that up! The only funny thing I remember from this movie was an old Asian maid talking like a racist black woman because her boss said so. Yupp...

The Possession: Omg, omg, omg! It's the Jewish Exorcist! I'm Jewish! Thus I like this movie even more than I should because of the Judaism! Oh look! Rabbis! I know who those are! Hebrew writings! I can read Hebrew! In all seriousness though, I am Jewish.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower: What a let down. No, not the story of high school in the 90s or the main character growing into his own as a person. That stuff is amazing. It's a let down in that Emma Watson's first role after being the love interest to a ginger is as a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Taken 2: Better names include Taken Too, Also Taken, Taken Again, or Takener. It's yet another generic Liam Nielson action flick except this one cares 70% less about doing a good job as you watch a girl in her swinsuit throw grenades all over a foreign country as a form of sonar. I sh*t you not.

Argo: A movie that goes out of it's way to prove that reality is actually stranger than fiction. The premise is how the government teams up with Hollywood to create a fake movie so they can save some Americans from a foreign country. The performances might be wooden like wood cut from wood in wood forest but damn this movie is well done.

Skyfall: Well I've never seen this before. The finale to a gritty reboot about how awesome the older version of the series was when they didn't take themselves too seriously and just had fun while also being about old age and death. I haven't really loved the new James Bond reboot because of it's lack of fun but this one has brought me around. The villain throws a f*cking train at him for God's sake!

Wreck-It Ralph: Wreck-It Ralph is a spin-off of Night at the Museum about video games coming to life at night instead of silly things like squids and paintings. Sadly, no one is around at night to watch things come to life because Disney realized that just watching things come to life with personalities and interacting with one another was interesting enough anyways.

Lincoln: Lincoln is the latest Oscar bait film that just screams "Hey! Look at all the great actors! Just look at how great they are! Everyone is a great actor so you have to give me an Oscar for best performance! Gimme gimme gimme!" A movie about how far should one go to do the right thing. Just like The Dark Knight... Omg! Lincoln is Batman!

Life of Pi: Life of Pi is a movie that tries to be about a kid named Pi but is in no way interesting. Thankfully, it's message about why God exists through our inability to cope with the horrors of real life is amazing. Wait, but the movie said it was about proving God exists, not why he exists... Oh well!

Rise of the Guardians: A story about a fun guy learning he is fun...wtf? Beyond that though it's a fun movie that plays off people's love for the Avengers except it's aimed at kids by having holiday figures instead of superheroes. Are you having fun yet?

The Hobbit: Ugh, another f*cking movie about midgets. I couldn't wait to see this movie when it was just one movie but a whole trilogy that's nine hours long? What the f*ck?! So what we have is a 45 minute short stretched to 3 f*cking hours! It feels like it goes on forever as you just wish the movie would f*ckinggo on and on!

The Guilt Trip: I know I should hate this movie. I really should. But it so perfectly gets down me and my mom it's scary. We literally smirked at unfunny lines because of how we say them everyday. It's like the actors were secretly watching me and my mom for months. I apologize for all the porn.

Conclusion: I still watch too many movies, and it's still oh so worth it.

My Top 9 Favorite Films of 2012

2013-01-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Introduction: If you've read my worst of list then you realize that I loved this year in movies. I think it was infinitely better than last year and I'm so happy to have the privilege of reviewing it. I'd like to be able to talk about every movie this year that I thoroughly enjoyed but I wanted just nine since nine is my favorite number (plus 10 is cliched). Because of this, I found trouble picking the best of the best and found that in order to still have variety I would do something different. I will talk about the best movies of their respective genres ranking each top dog from least to greatest. Ready to read? Of course not, because reading is stupid...

9) Favorite Animated: ParaNorman
ParaNorman is the latest venture by Laika (the studio that gave us Coraline) and boy was this movie awesome. The film tells the story of a boy named Norman, who can see ghosts, and how he must stop a witch's revenge from destroying his town. The reason this movie is my favorite animated film is because of the f*cking animation. It's breathtaking for a stop-motion movie to do what this movie has done with lightning, ghosts, clouds, and just the people in general. More than that though it's the substance of the film and how it puts a twist on this average story and elevates it to something that makes you think about bullying, mob mentality, fear, death, and even homophobia. I loved this movie.

8) Favorite Musical: Les Miserables
Les Miserables had a lot of problems; relationships aren't given support, the directing was constantly about getting close up on people's faces at a tilted angle, and the third act decided to just completely change direction from redemption to a sappy love story you don't care about. The reason it's number 8 though is because of it's emotional core and wow does this movie have emotion. Thankfully, the film had moments of fun and lightheartedness to relieve that exhaustion (in case you were curious), but that core is what forgives those faults. The core of a movie is what's most important and it's what allows us to oversee the mistakes in our favorite movies, and do I really need to mention the music?

7) Favorite Found Footage: Chronicle
For those of you who don't remember, Chronicle was the film that gave us this awesome trailer and made us all run to the theaters. Okay, maybe not all of us, DAVE, but I definitely went. Never before have I seen a movie work so well as both a superhero movie and a found footage flick. The story follows three teens as they find a meteor and gain telekinetic powers that allow them to move objects, have a protective aura, and even fly. It's a tragic tale that makes you feel for Andy, our main character, as he falls into darkness. The movie works as found footage because the teens use their powers to pull off Jackass-style antics that are absolutely hysterical, and even move the camera for third-person shots. Just an excellent superhero movie that reminds you of Superman and Akira while also standing on it's own.

6) Favorite Fantasy: Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ha! You thought this was going to be the Hobbit, didn't you? Well f*ck the Hobbit! While the Hobbit fails miserably in telling the story of a smaller-than-life character standing alongside larger-than-life people Beasts of the Southern Wild succeeds on all levels. This film tells the story of a little girl named Hushpuppy whose home town is flooded due to global warming and must survive alongside her people. The fantasy part being prehistoric beasts being freed from the polar ice caps and running amok. The beasts almost act as a metaphor for how Hushpuppy views her world. The amazing thing about this movie is that their are no actors. Everyone is just a simple resident. This is amazing when you realize that Hushpuppy, a child nevertheless, delivers the best performance of the year. Yes, even better than Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln. Speaking of comedies about slavery...

5) Favorite Laughs: Django Unchained
It's been said that the best way to take power away from someone is to ridicule them and it's for that reason that Quentin Tarantino's latest film, Django Unchained, is my favorite comedy of the year as it makes fun of the white racists of the Old West and just how ignorant, unorganized, childish, and f*cking stupid they are. Even the main villain is a wannabe villain! This can also be seen in the film's violence as you see white people die in some of the most bombastic and gratifying ways possible. On the other side of the coin, black violence is portrayed tastefully with a degree of realism possible within the tone of the film. Christoph Waltz was born to deliver this dialogue, Jamie Foxx turns in a subtle but effective performance, and this music works just too damn well.

4) Favorite Drama: Cloud Atlas
Cloud Atlas is the most impressive movie I've seen all year. Hell, it's probably one of the most impressive movie I've ever seen. The reason is because the movie had the balls to pull off something so intriguing and interesting that even though it has some flaws the sheer originality of it is unheard of. The term "cloud atlas" is supposed to mean "changing the status quo" as the story is about 6 protagonists from 6 different stories in 6 different genres in 6 different points in time with the same cast of actors edited together with seamless mastery as each story builds upon one another in an emotional climax where each protagonist overcomes their obstacle and achieves a personal form of freedom. I love this movie so much because I always see something new; some foreshadowing, some connections, some deeper message, etc. I love that about movies.

3) Favorite Guilty Pleasure: The Raid: Redemption
When I say guilty pleasure I mean something almost similar to fast food. It doesn't have a lot of substance but it's fun and entertaining and makes you feel like you spent your money well. I was struggling on giving this title to the Avengers because of just how much I loved that movie and how much it got right. But the Raid: Redemption is just better as a guilty pleasure because I f*cking loved this movie. It is the best action movie I've seen in 9 f*cking years! The story is actually very simple as it's about a SWAT team that infiltrates a crime boss' building full of criminals and when they are found out they must fight their way out. That simple premise made way for some of the most exhilarating and engaging fights you will ever see with a 4-foot, 40 year old man. This is all done superbly because of the choreography and skill in making scenes tense as sh*t.

2) Favorite Scares: Cabin in the Woods
Even though I couldn't put the Avengers on this list Joss Whedon still manages to get on it with Cabin in the Woods as the only legitimately scary movie this whole year. Like seriously, what the f*ck? This movie is f*cking brilliant as it perfectly blends horror, comedy, and sci-fan in a story about an evil corporation that manipulates events all around the world in order to reenact cliched horror stories as a means of sacrificing those who die to some type of great, evil beast. If you haven't realized it yet the beast is us, the audience, and the evil corporation is Hollywood as they take characters with a lot of potential for depth and emotion and waters them down to the tropes we see in every single f*cking horror movie. The reason this movie is so brilliant is because it breaks down the genre right in front of your eyes and shows you how everything is just regurgitated and reprocessed.

1) Favorite Romance: Moonrise Kingdom
I'm a sucker for a good love story, but out of every movie I've seen this year none of them have as much fun, uniqueness, and plain ole heart as Moonrise Kingdom. I'm actually nervous about writing this paragraph because I don't think I can accurately express just how much I adore this movie. The world Wes Anderson creates is so fantastical and immersive and the characters so real and relatable without having to be "realistic" or "gritty." The style and cinematography gives the film a feel that fits its world like a glove and the music works so well you will hear it when you leave the theater. Moonrise Kingdom is about two estranged young lovers running away together and being chased by family, police, and even a scout troop. It's about the cynicism of adults and the innocence of childhood, and even though this film has some amazing adult actors it is carried almost entirely by two child actors which is astounding and unheard of. This classic fairy tale love story is flawless and is not only my favorite romance this year but also my favorite film of 2012.

My Top 9 Worst Movies of 2012

2013-01-02T15:39:00.001-08:00

Introduction: To be completely honest, I didn't see that many bad movies this year. In fact, I loved this year in film. I think that this is mainly because of the films I was exposed to this year (ie I didn't see any f*cking Adam Sandler or Eddie Murphy sh*t). That doesn't mean I didn't see any Gawd awful movies this year. Horrible movies will always exist so long as good ones do. Anyways, this year I decided to go through the worst movies in their respective genres in order from least to most. That way I have some variety in my list. Shall we start?

9) Worst Romance: Twilight Part 5 Breaking Dawn Part 2
If you read my review of this movie you might be asking yourself why I have it here if I enjoyed it so much. Well first off, a movie that's "so bad it's good" is still bad either way. That's just common sense. Secondly, this is still the worst romance of the year. It is still excruciating for me to watch as these two cardboard cutouts stand next to each other and dishonorably and dishonestly use the word "love" to describe whatever the f*ck they are doing. My 14 year old dog and his plush toy frog (who he humps regularly) have more chemistry than these two.

8) Worst Guilty Pleasure: Battleship

Battleship is the latest film to try and make a movie based off of a board game (hey, sometimes it works) and fail horribly. The story follows John Carter of Mars as he tries to defeat actually believable aliens with sonar that's more accurate than Chuck Norris when he's at the urinal. The film does have some legitimate good moments. Like I said, the aliens are believable but more than that the beginning and end of the film have some of the most unintentionally hysterical moments this year. Sadly, the fact that the movie felt that ripping off Transformers was a good idea just shows how f*cking bad it was.

7) Worst Animated: Brave

Hopefully the first and last Pixar movie that will be near the word worst. To be fair though this wasn't Pixar's fault. Production destroyed this movie. The story is about a girl who doesn't want to accept responsibility and just wants to have fun and f*ck buff guys, and as such she poisons her mother and learns that if you poison your mother you can get whatever you want. Seriously, if you go back and watch that movie there is a scene where she sees a buff guy and totally wants to jump his bones. This is our hero folks. Oh and the animation was breathtaking.

6) Worst Found Footage: Project X

Did you know that the director of this movie gave the cast a bunch of recording devices so that he can literally make a found footage movie since it's literally found footage? So why doesn't this work? Because if a bunch of people were at the greatest party to ever be held by a sentient life form people wouldn't be walking around filming instead of, you know, PARTYING. Forcing the cast to film stuff shows everything wrong with found footage films in that they fell f*cking forced.

5) Worst Musical: Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages was that new jukebox musical you had absolutely no interest in seeing with music being butchered by the likes of Tom Cruise and Russell Brand. Beyond the horrible music we are given a plot so unmemorable and cliched I'm going to literally guess right now that it was about a girl striving to become a star singer but learns of how bad the business actually is. Was I right? Eh, whatever.

4) Worst Laughs: Mirror Mirror

Snow White and the Huntsman may have had Kristen Stewart but Charlize Theron was brilliant in it and the special effects were something to behold. I'm trying to add context to Mirror Mirror which is quite possibly the worst Snow White adaption I have ever seen. Most of the jokes involve the Queen wanting to f*ck some guy and a bunch of midget jokes. More than the horrible story or characters, the effects made it feel below par for a SyFy channel movie. Plus the movie tries to make the Evil Queen relatable even though SHE'S EVIL.

3) Worst Drama: The Words

This movie pisses me off because it tries to trick you into thinking it has some deeper meaning by being ambiguous and incomprehensible. Plagiarism is apparently okay in this movie as it tells the story of a struggling writer copy someone's novel for his own and when he is found out literally nothing changes. The original writer just strolls in and tells him his life story and leaves. Argh! This movie is like meeting someone you think is really smart at first but soon you realize they're just an idiot trying to appear smart. F*ck you!

2) Worst Fantasy: The Amazing Spider-Man

I love Spider-Man. I grew up with him and grew to love him as a character. He was a sidekick without the superhero. He was a outcast teenager who dealt with his frustrations by dressing up and spewing witty punchlines while also literally punching people. He was seen as a menace and had to prove to himself that he as a hero in honor of his dead uncle. The Sam Raimi film franchise really hit on these things as you watched a kid deal with everyday life as a superhero. Sure the first one was flawed and the third sucked but it was still a good trilogy, in my opinion. But since the studio needed a new Spider-Man movies less they lose the franchise they gave this piece of sh*t. No longer was he a superhero but an actual menace. No longer was he an outcast but the most likable kid in school (who everyone disliked). No longer was he Spider-Man but the Punisher. What's worse is that they promised something new and exciting and I was all up for that, but instead we got this...this... *sigh* Just f*ck you, seriously.

1) Worst Scares: Chernobyl Diaries

I remember going out to see this movie with a group of friends. I talked through the entire first half because I couldn't believe how utterly f*cking stupid and bad this movie was. My friends soon shooshed me and we watched the second half in absolute horror. The movie somehow got even worse. Characters started acting cartoony in the worst way possible devoid of any unintentional humor or delight. The story somehow got so dumb I felt insulted (something I can say almost never happens). The monsters weren't even shown giving me nothing to be scared about. We soon walked out and my friends and I were shocked by the hole we just dropped our money in. Worst of all, it was a found footage film without any of the found footage. That's right. These assholes actually gave us a film with disorienting and unfocused shaky cam without a character behind the shaky cam just because it was so popular and because it was so cheap. I may have hated Amazing Spider-Man because of my love for Spider-Man but I hate Chernobyl Diaries because of my love for film.

4 Reasons I'm Not Seeing the Wizard of Oz Prequel

2012-12-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

Introduction: A good sequel should respect the rules of the previous movie. This doesn't mean that it can't be good. Terminator 2 didn't respect the rules of the first Terminator yet not only was it awesome but actually better than the original. A good prequel should to do this too. Here are some reasons I don't want to see the new Wizard of Oz prequel not as a movie (you know, since I haven't seen it yet), but as a prequel to one of my favorite films of all time.

4. Glinda was the Villain: Were you one of those people who saw the Wizard of Oz and thought Glinda the Good Witch was actually a good witch? Well let me explain to you why she is secretly the greatest manipulator of not only the citizens of Oz but the citizens of the audience as well because a character is not defined by their name but by their actions. First of all, she just so happens to appear right after Dorothy commits manslaughter against the 3rd most powerful being in Oz and then magically sticks the "evil witch's" ruby slippers on her. When the "Wicked Witch" shows up she just stands there and does absolutely nothing as Miss Wicked threatens Dorothy. Then she sends Dorothy off to Oz where the Great Wizard just so happens to send Dorothy off to assassinate the 2nd most powerful being in Oz. Then when Dorothy comes back she sends the Wizard (ie the most powerful being in Oz) away on his hot air balloon. THEN Glinda shows up and is like "Oh by the way, those slippers I gave you can send you home. Thanks for getting rid of every big player in Oz thus leaving me as it's new queen." Seriously, the only "good" thing Glinda did was wake Dorothy up so she could complete her mission to unknowingly assassinate an innocent witch. Which leads me into...

3. The Not So Wicked Witch: Oh my, you also thought the Wicked Witch was wicked? Ha! All she ever wanted throughout this entire film was her last living relative's belongings. The fact that she had the strength to not f*cking murder Dorothy and Glinda for the death and theft of her sister astounds me. Then she threatens Dorothy again and again (and remember that Dorothy hasn't even tried to take off the slippers) until Dorothy actually trespasses her land with an immortal Scarecrow, a homicidal robot made of Tin, and an actual f*cking lion with the plan to steal her belongings as well and kill her if the need arises. Then they invade her home and kill her with acid. Oh, and don't forget that the Wicked Witch had this bucket of acid just laying around her home which tells us what? That she was suicidal. And why was she suicidal? Because she was persecuted for being the only colored person in Oz. Seriously, those people are almost as racist as the people of Middle-Earth. Speaking of things that already exists...

2. Wicked Already Exists: Wicked is a book and musical that actually has this stuff down. It has interesting characters, a good story, a strong message, and awesome music. It's the prequel to the Wizard of Oz from the perspective of Glinda and the Wicked Witch before Dorothy and the Wizard arrive. It's won numerous awards and even though I normally don't care about awards it just shows that people do indeed enjoy it. Oh and the music! The rapper Drake has sampled it and Mika just covered one of the songs. Just listen to this! C'mon! It's like Disney and Oz had a glorious baby! Best of all it decided not to focus on the "Great and Powerful Oz" because that guy was Biff from Back to the Future...

1. The Wizard is Biff: Do you remember the ending for Back to the Future? I'll recap: Marty saves his future existence by having his parents get together after his father totally stands up to Biff, the bully, and punches him in his stupid face. Then he time travels "back to the future" to find that Biff now resembles Gollum and works for his father as a shriveling coward. Biff's character was a guy who used size and intimidation to appear as the dominant male until someone actually stood up to him in which case he showed his true colors as a coward. This is one of the main reasons Back to the Future Part 2 sucked so hard. Anyways, my point is that the Wizard of Oz is the same exact character. He used size and intimidation to get what he wanted until someone stood up to him. "But wait," you might say, "the Wizard ended up helping Dorothy and the gang in the end!" Well yeah, he was groveling in front of a girl who just killed a witch, a hungry lion, a murderous machine, and an immortal man! What else was he supposed to do?! The new Wizard of Oz prequel is the same thing as if they made a Back to the Future prequel about how nice of a guy Biff was. You know, the rapist.

3 Reasons to See the New Twilight Movie

2012-12-02T13:11:00.002-08:00

Introduction: The Twilight series is known as the greatest love story ever made between two lifeless husks trying to look at each other without having an aneurism. One of those husks is a vampire named Eduardo who is preying on wannabe jail bait named Bella who has a werewolf bff named Care Bear of Friendship. Twilight Part 5 Break Dawn Part 2 is the climax of this series. That sentence is the first and last time the word climax will be placed next to Twilight. Here are some reasons why you should see it!

Baby Love: So Bella and Eduardo totally boned (even though he can't have a boner) and had a CG baby (since no consenting parent would allow their child to appear in this film) which the Care Bear of Friendship decided is his soul mate. Yupp, the Care Bear of Friendship wants to f*ck Bella's baby. I love this movie. So after Bella gets transformed into a vampire by Eduardo she proceeds to beat the sh*t out of Care Bear for wanting to do doggy-style with her 3 day old offspring while screaming "YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!?!" As Care Bear tries to reason wanting to pork a baby Eduardo just laughs and laughs like a teenager at an Adam Sandler movie. YES. GAWD YES.

Michael Sheen: Anyways, a plot suddenly shows up as the vampire government finds out Bella and Eduardo have a baby but think they turned it from a human instead of doing it the natural way (you know, since vampires can't have boners), and the president of vampires, Michael Sheen, decides to just kill everyone. When he finds out the child isn't what it seems he decides to change his plan into just killing everyone. Michael Sheen is the best thing in this movie as he hams it up so much you can't believe some of the stuff he does.

Giant Mutant Battle: Oh, did I forget to mention that vampires have unique superpowers that essentially makes them immortal mutants? Yes, Michael Sheen is Magneto and Eduardo is Cyclops. I love this movie. So the final battle of this movie is the X-Men of International Bloodsuckers facing off against the Brotherhood of Flamboyant Mutants and IT'S AWESOME. We see electricity powers, darkness powers, dismemberment's (with bare hands), Dakota Fanning being fed to a f*cking dog, and, I sh*t you not, an Indian vampire punching the ground so hard it creates a crevasse across the entire battlefield so deep you see lava. YES. GAWD YES.

Conclusion: That giant fight is just a dream though. Yupp, the best part of the movie isn't even in the movie. The best way to describe this movie is the money shot finale of a horrible, horrible porno, except the money shot is also horrible. It's just soooooo horrible it's good and has redeemable value to it. You know, it's one of those movies that is just so unintentionally funny you have to see it and just laugh at it's face. Like Troll 2, Birdemic, The Happening, or The Wicker Man.

Cloud Atlas Review

2012-11-14T12:39:00.001-08:00

Introduction: You may have heard of Cloud Atlas. It's that trailer with a small cast of great actors filling several roles in 6 stories spanning centuries of human history. You may have definitely asked yourself "What the hell does Cloud Atlas mean?" Well instead of doing nothing like you did I went to Wikipedia, the most reliable source on the internet, and according to the writer Cloud is supposed to represent something changing and ever shifting while Atlas is supposed to represent something constant and eternal. It's about changing the natural order of the world. It's about challenging parts of life that bind us and breaking free of them like slavery, persecution, prosecution, lies, and even institutions. Welcome to the cloud.

The Journal

A lawyer has just signed a slave labor contract for his father-in-law and is on his way home when he finds a self-freed slave on the ship. He is confronted with choosing the right thing or following the law. He chooses to care for the stowaway and even though they come from 2 completely different walks of life they become close friends. The freed slave even saves the life of the lawyer from a greedy doctor who has been poisoning him on the journey. When the lawyer arrives home he embraces his wife, burns the contract in front of his father-in-law, and writes a journal about his journey of self-discovery which is read by...

The Letters

Robert, a young composer working with the world's greatest composer, who is on the run from the police for being homosexual during the 1930s. He starts composing his own masterpiece but his mentor blackmails him into never leaving and Robert must make a choice between leaving and destroying his career or stay and continue working with him. He ends up shooting his mentor and goes into hiding finishing his masterpiece. His story ends with him having enough. Enough running for being who he is. So he shoots himself in the head. Gotta regular Ernest Hemingway over here! The thing is this story is told through letters that Robert has sent to his gay lover which are then read by...

The Article

An aspiring journalist in the 70s who must live up to the name of her legendary father. It all starts when she meets the gay lover from the previous story, now an old man, who is working for a nuclear power plant and wishes to give her information about a conspiracy. When he is killed by a contract killer she digs deeper only to be pushed off a bridge into the sea. After surviving that she gets up, teams up with a security guard, and totally pwns that killer in a really tense scene. Now that the truth has been revealed her neighbor, Javier, turns the story into a book which is read by...

The Movie

Timothy Cavendish, a British editor in 2012 (Represent!) who owes some gangsters a lot of money after their friend's book became a best-seller. Let's rewind for a second though, you see, a writer didn't like a criticism about his book and decided to THROW THE CRITIC OFF THE ROOF OF A BUILDING. He went to jail for THROWING A MAN OFF A BUILDING and because of the press his book became a hit. Anyways, Timothy goes to a place to lay low but it is revealed that this place is a retirement home for crazy old people. Classic. He befriends some other "prisoners" and they break out Senior Citizen Style. Just imagine The One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest mixed with Mrs. Doubtfire because HUGO WEAVING IS A FEMALE NURSE. Timothy then writes about this adventure and it gets turned into a famous Hollywood film that is seen by...

The Religion

An artificial human in the not so far future who has spent her entire life as a food server with no rights whatsoever but a growing curiosity of life. Then one day she finds that her owner has overdosed and a revolutionary asking to take her away. She must choose between staying and being killed for her curiosity or going with this stranger and living another day. She goes with him. This choice in and of itself shows her want to live and that she is more than a disposable fabricant (the name of her kind). Her relationship to her savior is the most interesting part of this movie as you watch her fall in love with him as her humanity grows and becomes more complex. She is then confronted with another choice; speaking out to the word or staying silent. After learning the truth of what happens to fabricants when they die (they get turned into food for fabricants) she decides to speak out. This choice leads to not only the death of her lover but of her as well, yet she is content knowing the truth has been revealed. Her words to the world are remembered for years to come and are even turned into a religion which is practiced by...

The Story

Barbarians in the distant future where our culture has degenerated but we still have the left over technology from previous generations. It is told from the perspective of a hallucinating shepherd who is giving shelter to a traveling scientist. The story is a flip of the slavery story as it is about light-skinned, superstitious barbarians being visited by dark-skinned, high tech scientists looking for a new land. Except the new land their looking for is a new planet. The Earth is dying and the scientist is trying to reach a satellite on top of a mountain near the barbaric tribe to trace a habitable planet. The shepherd takes her there where he learns the truth about his religion, but when they come back from the mountain they find the tribe completely massacred by another tribe. So what happens next? The scientist pulls out the coolest laser guy ever and f*cking pwns. She then takes the shepherd and the remaining survivors and go to the new planet where the shepherd, as an old man, tells his grandchildren a story that beings with... (go back to The Journal)

Conclusion

Cloud Atlas is a film that hopes to transcend things such as generations, gender, and even genre (The 3 Gens). You know what that means? Yupp, men dressed as women. Right off the bat you know this movie is ambitious as hell. Especially for an independent film. And you know it has won the Oscar for best make-up (even though it can sometimes get cartoony when you see a large nose on a serious Tom Hanks). I think the thing I love most about Cloud Atlas is the details. The devil is supposedly hiding in them and really make this film a pleasure to watch again and again as you notice things you didn't before. Like how the number 6 shows all over the place. That shows a passion that made me love film in the first place.

Paranormal Activity 4 Review

2012-11-05T19:23:00.002-08:00

Introduction: I liked the first Paranormal Activity. It built upon "that fear." You know, that fear we all have when we're alone inside a moderately sized home at night and we hear weird noises and instead of thinking "Sh*t, man, that's just rats and sh*t" we instead think "Sh*t, man! That's ghosts and sh*t!" It feeds on our primitive and superstitious fears that are really just caused by piping. Seriously, ghosts are pipes. But as the series continued with sequel upon sequel the novelty wore off and we realized that our actual piping is more frightening. Omg! It's clogged with hair!

Jump Scares: So imagine you're sitting at home reading this totally awesome review when someone suddenly grabs you from behind and you scream like the sissy you secretly are, then you turn and see it's just your friend *insert name here*, and you sigh in relief. Is that fear? F*ck no. It's surprise, and it's a bullsh*t tactic used by Hollywood horror movies into making you think you were scared. Jump scares can only work with paranoia, build-up, and something ACTUALLY SCARY. Even if something is scary though it can't be shown over and over or else it will desensitize the audience. This is the problem with the Paranormal Activity series since it's become commonplace and even comical as we imagine a demon chicken playing pranks on some group of vanilla characters we're expected to deduce as a family. Speaking of characters...

Bland Characters: One thing I appreciated about the original PA was that the characters felt real. You couldn't even tell if they were reading a script or doing improve. It felt natural. Which worked with the film's normal housing setting. Then the second one came out. It was the sequel Hollywood made and instead of feeling natural the characters felt more vanilla than my vanilla wallpaper (which is very vanilla). In the latest one though they actually come off as assholes as they isolate a kid because he's odd. ALL KIDS ARE ODD. YOU DESERVE GETTING KILLED. DAFUQ IS WRONG WITH YOU. The only thing they could think of doing is set up a lot of security cameras around the house because they were scared of shadows and noises...

A Lot of Security Cameras: Found footage movies seem to be the new hot thing. Which is code for bullsh*t gimmicks. It all started with the Blair Witch Project and it's final image of a person in a corner, but that film wasn't about reality; it was about people going into a panic out of fear. And just like everything that becomes popular in the box office Hollywood milked the hell out of it without even understanding how it works. Now we have so much shaking in simple camera shots I wouldn't be surprised if full-body dyslexics were hired as cameramen. Even if it doesn't have shaky camera and it's just a stationary shot it's bland and uninteresting. It takes out the cinematic in cinematic--a. PA is so full of bland shots it makes pornography look worthy of an Oscar nomination.

Conclusion: PA is the new Saw. It started off small but grew into a Halloween franchise except you can't even dress up as an awesome monster. You could put on a demonic animal outfit with the name Tobi written on the chest and follow people around but something like that that would actually be scary. So yeah... don't see Paranormal Activity 4... it's bad... Oh! Disney is making another Star Wars movie! Hopefully I'll finally be able to say that more than half of the franchise is worth watching! :D

Looper Review

2012-10-10T19:31:00.002-07:00

Introduction: Imagine you're part of the mob and it's 60 years into the future. Apparently, "Big Brother" tracks every single person so well you can't even murder someone and hide their body. That can't be good for business. So you decide to invent MOTHERF*CKING TIME TRAVEL. But what do you do with such technology? Do you A) Go back in time and start a revolution so that the government doesn't control everything in the future? B) Begin investing money in the past over and over so that in the future everyone is rich? C) Dispose of "problems" by sending them to a point in time when the Earth didn't exist? Or do you D) Send these "problems" to the very recent past where you actually have to pay people to do something you can do for free with relatively less work while taking the chance of horribly f*cking up the space time continuum? If you picked D then you'll love Looper!

Looper: So I guess I gotta define what a Looper is. A Looper is a hit man from the year 2044 and probably requires the least amount of skill of any profession ever. They are hired assassins who kill people from the year 2074. The people are masked and have money strapped to their back for the Looper to collect. The reason they are called Loopers in the first place is because at some point they kill their future selves. When they do so this is called closing the loop. After doing so they are given a large amount of cash to squander for 30 years until they are then found and sent back in time to be killed by their past selves.

Time Travel: When it comes to time travel you have to go 1 of 2 ways; free will or fate. Free will time travel is mainly shown in Back to the Future and teaches us that we control our destiny and thus can horribly mess up time in all it's glory. Fate time travel is mainly shown in The Terminator and consists of time loops that show that even when we try and change things it actually just caused the problem in the first place. Looper tries to be both at the same time AND IT DOESN'T WORK. You can't say that going back in time creates a new timeline while also trying to show how it creates a time loop into this new timeline. No, just no.

The Setting: Before I start ripping this section a new asshole I want to praise it a little first. Holy crap, is this world fleshed out. Often when we see a future sci-fi film centered around a concept everything in society is apparently about this SINGLE IDEA (see: Surrogates and Repo-men). This world is expansive and varied. We have new weaponry, hover vehicles, new ways of farming, and even higher forms of evolution where people have TK! And even more amazing is how the lifestyle of the people mirrors the past. It's brilliant. Now that that's done we can start talking about problems! Yay! The thing that's odd is that the separate periods in time don't really interact. There is nothing connecting them other than the Loopers. And even they are kind of iffy. See in the year 2044 the economy is the worst it's ever been. When I saw this I was waiting for someone from the future to explain that the reason they are sending people in this time was to create jobs and stimulate the economy. Nope, none of that. I was waiting to see how the government controlled everything in the year 2074 and thus stopping the mob from killing people, but this isn't backed up. The mob is still killing people. What the f*ck is the point of Loopers then? Another thing is that in the 2044 future the next generation of TK users are shown to be able to just about level whole buildings, yet in the 2074 future no one can seem to figure out how a guy named the Rainmaker is killing Loopers. Umm shouldn't there be a bunch of people with the power of the Rainmaker just walking around? Speaking of the Rainmaker...

Hitler: So the Rainmaker is this guy in the future who is killing Loopers by killing them when theire contracts says to kill them...ok then... We never see him in the 2074 future and all we're told is that he just wants to kill all the Loopers. But we do get to see him as a child in 2044 and it is then that we are told that the point of the movie is basically "If you could go back in time and kill Hitler, would you?" Except the twist here is that Young Joe (JGL) is protecting Hitler while Old Joe (Willis) wants to kill him. The thing is though is that in Old Joe's timeline Hitler is just Hitler. It's just who he is. And even in Young Joe's timeline when we meet the kid he is extremely creepy and talks about wanting to kill people. KILL HIM, DAMMIT. Then as Old Joe is about to kill Hitler's mother (who looks like this) Young Joe suddenly decides that even though Old Joe has already created an entirely new timeline just by living this far that if Old Joe kills this woman then Hitler will go ape sh*t. Seriously. It's like a nature vs nurture debate where Old Joe is nature and Young Joe is nurture. Just kill the kid! Oh, and the reason he is so dangerous is because his TK abilities allows him to cause people to explode with a thought.

Old Joe: So in Old Joe's timeline he successfully kills his future self and spends the next 30 years doing drugs and still being involved in the mob. But then at one point he meets a beautiful woman and falls in love. He gets off drugs and becomes a good man. Then suddenly the mob arrives in his home in China while capturing him they accidentally kill his wife. In his anger and desperation he fights his captors and sends himself back in time in order to kill the Rainmaker as a child in order to save his wife. It's a great motivation and really shows how far he is willing to go to save the woman he loves. Bruce Willis actually does a great performance here as he struggles with killing innocent children. The weight of such anguish constantly plagues him. Sadly, since he has altered the timeline simply by surviving the timeline he is in is being altered by his presence so not only is he trying to kill the Rainmaker but also trying to hold onto the possibility that he will still meet his love in this new timeline and be able to live happily ever after. Regardless of the costs.

Young Joe: Young Joe is an asshole, a backstabber, a druggie, and also has a little heart. Joe's story really shows you what this movie is about; redemption. It's about recognizing a problem and stopping it before it gets out of hand. Throughout the film we watch as Young Joe battles the good and bad within him. His bad being the want to kill Old Joe and the good to protect the child. You can see this as in the beginning he protects the child in the field but as time passed he's comfortable in the house and isn't doing this to kill Old Joe but to save this family because he cares. In the end though, he does something kinda stupid. When Old Joe is about to kill the mother Young Joe shoots himself in the heart. Why? Whyyyyy? All he had to do was shoot his hand. Or maybe his leg. C'mon man! It's a noble sacrifice but still. I also must mention Joseph Gordon Levitt's performance as a young Bruce Willis; it's flawless and just perfect.

Conclusion: The premise of Looper is kind of silly and doesn't make a lot of sense. But maybe that's the point. Idk. The movie was fairly enjoyable with memorable performances, a fleshed out world, and PSSSYYYCCCHHHIIIIC POOOWWWWEEERRRRSSSS!!! It had a lot of flaws and issues but the movie is still a good action film with good sci-fi for good measure. After seeing Dredd you should check it out. Oh! And Joseph Gordon Levitt's make-up was only distracting in the beginning, I got used to it later. In case you were...wondering...about...that...

Why Dredd is Awesome

2012-10-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Introduction: The Raid was a f*cking great movie. It was the story of police officers facing off against a building full of criminals. The latest film, Dredd, is the exact same thing. I'm not saying anything extreme like Dredd being as good or being a rip-off. I just wanted to shamelessly promote my site even further. No, Dredd is a different beast. Raid was a film that highlighted kung-fu and action over story and characters. Dredd highlights graphic violence and subtlety. Dredd is based off a comic book where radiation has ravaged the Earth and now Mega Cities contain large densities of the population. The great idea sprung from this is that people known as Judges roam the city as combined forms of judge, jury, and executioner to deal with all the violence. Gotta think about the budget.

Judge Dredd: Dredd isn't a man. He has no face. He's the motherf*cking law. He's a force of unemotional and unyielding justice that will exterminate the vermin of the city as if they were actual vermin. He treats the scenario of the movie as just another stroll in the blood soaked park. And yet the movie still manages to give him character development. See, he has been paired with a compassionate rookie and has been tasked with testing her skills. Their are subtle hints throughout the film of his character growth. One such scene involves 2 kids threatening to shoot him. He just says he'll either imprison them for life or end them, but then something surprising happens; he does neither. He simply stuns them. It's small but you can still see it. This shows that their is more to Dredd then just being the law. Dredd is in fact a man trying to be the law. In the end, he passes the rookie thus showing that law is more than just the rules, it's also mercy and sympathy.

Judge Anderson: Judge Anderson is the compassionate rookie. She has yet to be a full fledged Judge because of her emotion. One way the film portrays her as not being an unemotional force like the other Judges is that she doesn't wear a helmet to hide her face. Why doesn't she wear a helmet? Because it interferes with her telepathy. Yupp, she's psychic, and it's awesome. It makes her less psyched about dealing death to people but makes her a better judge of character. Ha! Puns! Because of this she is the first person to note something more behind the hidden face of Dredd. Plus she's some sexy badass.

Ma-Ma: She is the head criminal of the building Dredd and Anderson are stuck in. She. Is. Ruthless. She allows rape, torture, and even skinning. Their is literally a scene where she sets up a row of Gatling guns and mows down an entire floor in her own building. Men, women, and children just f*cking mowed down. If you've ever seen a Gatling gun in action you'd know that it fires off so many rounds it actually looks like a f*cking laser. She even blinded a guy just so she could implant cybernetic eyes in his face and then use him for her own gains. Interestingly though, she creates a new drug known as Slo-Mo that actually looks pretty beautiful. We starting a new paragraph for that? We are? Sweeeeet.

Drug Abuse: Slo-Mo is a drug that causes the user to perceive time as 1% it's normal speed. The first time we see Ma-Ma use it she is taking a bath and playing with the water like a child, but the effects from the drug make the water flying through the air look like nebulae and stars floating through space like glistening diamonds. It's breathtaking. Sadly, the applications of such a drug in an action sense are never realized (ie martial artist using the drug to do Matrix-y stuff). Even though the drug's effects would make anyone an addict it's treated like the plague and I wish they could have gone more in-depth into it and possibly even compare it to today's drugs.

Conclusion: This film is a rare case when a reboot is done right. It's also a good case of a first film in a planned trilogy (unlike Prometheus and Amazing Spiderman). It introduces a lot of interesting things but doesn't fully dive in or obscure a lot of the plot. Everything that needed to be explained about the immediate plot was explained and everything that wasn't can now be built upon in future installments. Sadly, the film is not doing well in the box office. This is because of a lack of marketing (plus Sylvestor Stallone's version) so I highly recommend you go out and see it. Support Your Future Law Enforcement.

Director Review: Christopher Nolan

2012-09-29T21:02:00.002-07:00

Introduction: For several weeks now I have been trying to figure out how to write my Dark Knight Rises review. I had a lot to say but it was so broad and really dealt with how it tied with the series as a whole. Then I thought what if I wrote about the whole trilogy? But that would take way too much time out of my busy schedule (ie sleeping). So why not a review of Christopher Nolan's work as a whole? It'll be like thoughts on who he is and his work. Truth be told, I love the man's work. I admire his use of film and traditional special effects as well as how he plays around with themes. Some people may not like him but I don't give a sh*t. Let's start with Memento!

Memento: Memento is a great place to start when it comes to Christopher Nolan as it show cases his use of nonlinear storytelling and various themes. The story is rather simple: a widow searches for his wife's killer. He's not a "hero," mind you, he is simply a man driven by grief and vengeance, BUT he has anterograde amnesia. This means he can't create new memories after an event that created the amnesia, in this case, the death of his wife. Thus he leaves notes and mementos (Oh! Oh! I get it!) that will lead him to the killer. If you think that was interesting wait until you hear the way this story is told! The movie starts at the end and rewinds while also having a chronological approach that in the end collides both stories. It's f*cking brilliant and flows seamlessly.

Insomnia: A 93% on Rotten Tomatoes? Seriously? This is that Christopher Nolan movie you can skip. It's just not memorable. It's about 2 FBI agents looking for a killer. One FBI agent accidentally kills his partner and the guilt gives him insomnia (Oh! Oh! I get it!). Meanwhile, Internal Affairs is investigating him and the killer is blackmailing him. You might be thinking "If it's not memorable then how did you remember all that?" Easy, I didn't. I had to go to Wikipedia.

Batman Begins: Oh yeah! Batman territory! This film is about how Batman begins (Oh! Oh! I get it!) in regards to his battle with fear. It's a great film that really rides the line between fantasy and realism. The thing that really struck me with it is how the film's story relies on the comic books. Normally, comic book movies just make up their own damn plot but this series tries to be faithful while at the same time trying to form it's own universe that's creatively controlled by Nolan himself with darkness and realism. He builds upon the strong foundation of Batman and makes him something new yet old at the same time. This film also started the reboot/dark-and-gritty fad that we see with everything ever...

The Prestige: Gawd, I love this movie! It's a great nonlinear story with no protagonists and heavy themes of obsession and duality. See the story involves a magician in prison for killing another magician and he's actually reading the murdered magician's diary about the murdered magician reading the incarcerated magician's diary. That may sound confusing as f*ck, but it works extremely well. Both magicians are obsessed with magic and vengeance and this is mirrored with the rivalry between Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla. This is also a film where you realize that Christopher Nolan can pull out some amazing performances. This talent was glimpsed at in Insomnia but it really shows here with David Bowie. This film is just a pleasure to watch and when you see the twist, also known as a prestige (Oh! Oh! I get it!), you'll be like OH SNAP!!!

The Dark Knight: Holy bat signal, this movie was awesome! 2 out of 2! This film is about the Dark Knight (Oh! Oh! I get it!) and his struggle against terrorism. But even more than that it's about a terrorist trying to prove that everyone is crazy. It's about a man battling the corruption of a corrupt city as it's new DA. It's about a cop trying to protect his family. It's about a billionaire trying to live a normal life. It's about how we want a White Knight to show us that we can do good things by the book and how what we need is someone willing to dirty their hands and carry an enormous weight on his shoulders. This blew me away as it passed the realm of fantasy and at some point becomes real. The Joker is a haunting villain who gives me chills. The pacing might leave you exhausted, but this film just thrills you.

Inception: I'm baffled. No, not by the movie. The movie was f*cking awesome. I'm baffled by the audience reaction to it. Critics stated how they feared that average movie goers wouldn't "get it" but then I saw the movie and was amazed by how simple it was. What wasn't there to "get"? It was a story about a grieving widower coming to terms with the loss of his wife. It was very emotional and really gave the movie a lot of weight. Not only that but it was a bank heist film that actually was very similar to Ocean's 11 (thief does one last job by gathering a group of specialists and a fish-out-of-water character for exposition only for his ex-wife to show up randomly) with the exception of the twist being that it's all in the target's mind and instead of being an extraction of goods it's an inception (Oh! Oh! I get it!). But even then people say Dreamscape and Matrix did this first. No, they f*cking didn't. Neither were bank heist films plus Dreamscape is about a psychic using his powers to get laid and the Matrix is about terrorists killing a bunch of real people inside a computer game. Inception was a fantastically crafted film. The imagery and message were spectacular and I just love this movie

The Dark Knight Rises: Finally, the finale to this trilogy finalizes itself. My reaction? Meh.The first half of this story shows us how the Dark Knight rises (Oh! Oh! I get it!), the second half shows us how the Dark Knight rises (Really? Ok, I get it), and then the epilogue shows us how the Dark Knight rises (I F*CKING GET IT!!!). This odd structure causes the movie to feel a little disjointed and more like 2 films crammed together. A way to remedy this would have been to have the introduction be Batman returning to his temporary underground lair after the Two-Face fiasco only for Bane to be there waiting there for him explaining how he freed the Joker and all of his insane accomplices from Arkham to wear him down. Bane breaks his back and the film shows Batman struggling with rebuilding his mind and body. Wouldn't that have been awesome!? But nope. Instead we have a finale that shows stuff that would have never happened in Nolan's real and gritty Batman, Bane once again being dumbed down to henchman, a twist that only diminishes the story, and a Robin character that was completely pointless. I enjoyed this movie as more of a movie then any other Christopher Nolan project, but I like him more when he strives to make a film, not a movie.

Conclusion: Some people have said that Christopher Nolan is the next Stanley Kubrick...bullsh*t. Nolan is a better writer and didn't torture his cast. Plus they are completely different people! Notice how the names don't match. Nolan has a real passion for film and he respects it like few directors have. I think this was why Inception was such an amazing film because it was really a glimpse into his mind and is one of the best examples of a director movie. His style is distinct and different and isn't that what makes a good movie good?


*I still think Big Momma's House 2* was the performance of her career.**


U MAD BRO?

SPOILER ALERT

Wild, Underestimated, Under Appreciated, is Best Picture of 2014

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

Ha! Get it? Because it's about short people!

Gandalf is a Terrible Wizard and Bilbo Does Nothing Gandalf and Sh*t Wizard are negotiating the cost of a pound of weed.

The Love Triangle is the Best Part "I'm sorry, I do not fornicate with shorter beings. They tend to be lacking in certain...areas..."

Conclusion DO A BARREL ROLL!!!

Why The Lion King Sucks

It's a "Retelling" of Hamlet Actually, it's just a rip off of Kimba the White Lion, and don't even get me started on The Thief and the Cobbler!

Mufasa Died in the Wrong Scene WWWWWWWRONG!!! Idjit.

Timon and Pumbaa are Villains Look at them. Look at them!! THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HENCHMEN

The Songs Are Getting You High Oooooooh! That's what Hakuna Matata means!

Riddick Review

Back to Black Winehouse would be proud.

Dick B. Riddick And just like that he lost all his street cred.

B for Boobies Can you find the lesbian?

Conclusion Gorgeous.

My Thoughts on Batman/Superman

The Affleck Oh bullsh*t! Batman would never have a beard! Blasphemy!

Snyder/Goyer I would never subject you to Goyer's mug. Not that he's ugly! His ears are just too distracting!

What Is In a Name Seems legit.

We Haven't Seen Sh*t I really, really, really don't like this animation style. Totally unrealistic for comic book standards!

Kick-Ass 2 Review

Hit-Girl I still think Big Momma's House 2 was the performance of her career.

Justice Forever I love that the parents are still looking for their son. Time to punch drug dealer

Kick-Ass Doesn't this image just capture his name perfectly

The Motherf*cker Dude, cover your mouth when you yawn. Oh wait, you're evil.

Conclusion Am I the only one annoyed with that hyphen? F*ck you, hyphen!