Boo Hewerdine's Blog Thing

Day 703 - My Failed Career As A Caption Writer For Seaside Postcards

2012-01-27T09:54:00.007Z

Today I thought I'd tell you about one of the less successful periods of my life. I was briefly employed to write captions for "saucy" seaside postcards. After a couple of weeks Mr Dover, a delightful old smut-monger, called me into his office to explain things weren't really working out. To this day I stil can't see what the problem was...

Day 702 - Spot The Ball

2012-01-26T15:03:00.002Z

Use your skill and judgement to work out where the ball is in this subtly doctored photograph. You could win a week in Portugal! Not from me, of course - but you never know.

Day 701 - Promotion

2012-01-25T10:58:00.001Z

I can't say that I'm overly delighted with my record company's new ad campaign.

Day 700 - Round Number Hoopla

2012-01-24T08:11:00.000Z

Seven hundred glorious days! Take the rest of the week off. Treat yourself. Tell the the boss he can stick his job where the sun don't shine. And I don't mean Lowestoft! Get drunk and maudlin and ride a bike around outside the police station. Get a big "700" tattoo on your forehead. Have a biscuit. That sort of thing.

Day 699 - Boomerang

2012-01-23T01:30:00.001Z

Using science and stuff I have created the World's first boomerang app for computers. Simply click on the beta icon below and then hurl your laptop out of the nearest window. Now gasp in delight as it gracefully returns to your outstretched arms. Quite impressive, I think you'll agree. Tomorrow I shall be unveiling my new bargain laptop site. Keen prices.

Day 698 - My Criminal Past

2012-01-22T11:45:00.000Z

I have a confession to make. I have a criminal past. I was once part of the notorious Lynn Road Just Past The Garage Near The Roundabout Gang. We would smuggle bootleg sherry across the Norfolk border. Strike terror into gift shops across the region. "I'm just saying, Lady, you wouldn't want your Ordinance Survey maps to become de-alphabeticalised now, would you?". In some ways I was the most feared member of all. Mainly due to my poor eyesight and tendency to express myself through the medium of self-pitying ballads. Eventually the guilt and occasional late-ish nights got to me and I turned myself in. I still have the hat, though.

Day 697 - Hewerdinewood

2012-01-21T10:54:00.000Z

There's Hollywood, Dollywood and now Hewerdinewood! Welcome! What fun you will have... Why not have a ride on the rusty-faced clown train?

Visit the abandoned egg...

Sit in the decaying cup...

Enjoy the thrill of the fatal rollercoaster...

Make use of one of the numbered chairs...

These are just some (all) of the attractions available at Hewerdinewood. Experience it today. You won't be disappointed. That just doesn't cover it.

Day 696 - Asteroid

2012-01-20T01:28:00.000Z

One day soon the Earth is going to be hit by an asteroid and all life will be annihilated. Which is a bit of a nuisance. But in the meantime, can I remind you that I am available to perform at your folk club or music venue. Rather than sitting around processing the fact of your inevitable doom, why not let me take your mind off things with some mid-tempo, self-penned, confessional songs? I normally do two 45 minute sets with an interval - though obviously I can adapt to fit in with your event or function. I require an area I can get changed in, a soft drink and a sandwich (preferably cheese). Thank you for your time.

Day 695 - Thought Provoking Publicity Shots #1

2012-01-19T01:22:00.001Z

Nero & The Gladiators. No. I don't know either.

Day 694 - Are You A Fruit Loop?

2012-01-18T15:24:00.000Z

Today, with the help of noted brain masseur, Dr Adolph Monorchid, you can ascertain whether or not you are a fruit loop. Just answer the following questions truthfully.

1. Were you Michael Gove in a former life? Y/N

2. Do you ever break into libraries at night, smear yourself in cheap margarine and slide about in the biography section? Y/N

3. Do you believe the Mister Men are real and live in a caravan park just outside Royston? Y/N

4. Has a non-specific but overwhelming sense of guilt ever led you to confess to inventing Jazzercise? Y/N

5. Are you afraid of faux leather place mats? Y/N

6. Do you ever wake up screaming I Am, I Said by Neil Diamond? Y/N

7. Remember those blobby red and green pictures of numbers they used to show us when we were young to see if we were colourblind? Y/N

8. Are you God? Y/N

9. If it takes two men half a day to dig a hole how long does it take three men? Y/N

10. Are you a fruit loop? Y/N

I hope this helps.

Day 693 - It's A Miracle We Survived

2012-01-17T09:36:00.000Z

Food of the past. A riot of brown. Every course with crisps! Including the lemon meringue pie.

Day 692 - The Future

2012-01-16T01:13:00.001Z

Yes! It's here at last. The future! How long we have waited. Space cheese! Hover cats! Retractable ball-point pens! Holograms of cakes! Jet-pack wearing curates! Inflatable buses! Digital combs! Talking bees! Interactive urinals! Downloadable flap-jacks! Indestructible beards! Butter - spreadable straight of the fridge! Soluble dreams! Anti-gravity sideboards! Edible money! Automatic swearing! Clay! Invisible things! Portable wigs! An episode of Eastenders where they go to the Moon! Really big sovereign rings! All of these can now be yours... Welcome to the FUTURE!!

Day 691 - Crown

2012-01-15T10:32:00.000Z

Do you feel you are not accorded the respect you deserve? Are your announcements greeted with snorts of derision? Do you crave freedom from mocking laughter? What you need is a crown. This ancient symbol of authority will instantly silence your detractors. You will find your world is transformed as you hold forth to a coterie of enthralled listeners. Your every whim will be their delight. "But crowns are quite pricey", I hear you bark. Easy now. With the aid of the template below and some stiff, gold-effect card your "reign" can begin within half an hour, or something. Long live King/Queen You!

Day 690 - Computer Problems

2012-01-14T10:48:00.000Z

Are any of you techy? I seem to be having problems with my computer. Perhaps one of you could help. I have noticed a slight blemish on the screen and the keyboard is somewhat inaccessible up the QWERTY end. Most worrying of all is the fact that it doesn't work at all and when I plug it in lethal bolts of electricity shoot from it like glowing fingers of death. And the mouse sticks a bit. What on Earth can it be?

Day 689 - Classical Poetry

2012-01-13T10:46:00.001Z

Vos cant 'adepto melior Kwik-Opportunus aptius!

Morbi puerorum credere!

Day 688 - TV Quizzes

2012-01-12T11:50:00.000Z

Am getting cleverer or are TV quizzes getting easier? When I was young a typical question would be “You have two blocks of clay in cube form and the edges are 10cm. How many spheres with a radius of 5cm can one make from these blocks?”. And that was on Mike Reid’s (slightly sinister) Runaround. Last time I watched Celebrity Mastermind the questions were so easy a cat could have answered them. What next? What’s My Line (In Uniform)?, Call My Bluff (With Really Easy Words), Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (The Answer Is Always A By The Way)?....

Here is a round from Mastermind in five years time.

Name a letter of the alphabet
Make a noise with your mouth
Have a bonus point
Have another one
What animal is “man’s best friend”? - A table? I’ll accept that.
Do you like my hair?
Really?
Do a fancy a drink after?
That’s enough questions. Here’s your trophy.

How I long for the days when Robert Robinson would ask unusual looking families questions that would freak out Stephen Hawking.

Day 687 - Caption Competition

2012-01-11T09:14:00.000Z

Using your skill and judgement can you come up with a terribly witty caption for this unusual picture? Show us your comedy guns. Flex those laughter-ceps. Fill your chuckle-lungs with funny and cough it in our astonished faces. Make us roar like happy lions. Make amusement burst noisily from our heads. Go on!

Day 686 - What I Used To Enjoy

2012-01-10T10:16:00.000Z

I tell you what I used to enjoy. When my grandmother and her sister used to discuss their day and their characterisations of the dramatis personae. Their world was populated by over-dramatic traffic wardens...

"OOOH you can't park there..".

Gossipy butchers...

"Well, that's the third pork chop she's had this week, that's all I'm saying..."

Theatrical policemen...

"Oh my goodness. If you don't move along I just don't know what I'll do"

Every time I heard the words, "So, he said", I knew I was in for a treat.

That's what I used to enjoy.

Day 685 - Patent

2012-01-09T00:06:00.002Z

Gentlemen - the invention we have all been waiting for!

“A forehead support apparatus for resting a standing user's forehead against a wall above a bathroom commode or urinal or beneath a shower-head. The apparatus includes a mounting member adapted for attachment to an upright bathroom wall either above the commode or urinal or below the shower-head. A compressible head support member is attached to and extends from the wall and said mounting member. The head support defines an elastically deformable or resilient forehead support surface which is spaced above the floor and from the wall a distance sufficient for the user to lean his forehead thereagainst and be supported while using the commode or urinal.”

Patent Number: US 6681419

Day 684 - Funny Thought

2012-01-08T11:21:00.000Z

Just before I fell asleep last night I had a funny thought. As I chuckled myself into unconsciousness I made a mental note to share my hilarious notion with you all today. I find this morning that my amusing idea is comedy lead. But in the spirit of openness I feel I should let you judge for yourself. Ahem. Imagine if the lead singer of The Fall was not Mark E Smith but Maggie Smith! What was my subconscience thinking? It is more than a little upsetting to realise that alpha-state me can't move for tumbleweed. I can only apologise for wasting your time.
.

Day 683 - At Least You're Not Arthur Schopenhauer

2012-01-07T10:08:00.002Z

Art believed this...

“Human existence must be a kind of error… it may be said of it, ‘it is bad today and every day it will get worse, until the worst of all happen’”

Bummer...

I think he just needed a cuddle.

Day 682 - Ex-Mas

2012-01-06T10:48:00.001Z

It really is time you took down your decorations. If you leave them up evil will befall you, apparently. And, as you sadly abandon your tree in the street, perhaps you'll muse on the passing of another festive period. There was Uncle Geoff passed out in front of the Queen's Speech with a large wee stain in his crotch... what a card! There was your cousin with the wonky face trying to strangle your mother... such high jinx! And here comes the unfeasibly large credit card statement... ho ho ho! Until next year!

Day 681 - Security

2012-01-05T10:04:00.001Z

Due to my burgeoning paranoia I have decided to include a fingerprint scanner in today's blog. Simply press your right index finger onto the scanner and if you are an authorised follower you will taken to a new page containing the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. If, on the hand, you are not permitted admittance you will stay on this page and get some burgeoning paranoia of your own.

Day 680 Part 2 - The Shame

2012-01-04T19:05:00.001Z

I have broken all my resolutions.

Day 680 - Paul McCartney Has Blown Over

2012-01-04T17:37:00.001Z

It's very windy today. So windy, in fact, that this statue of Paul McCartney has blown over. Which makes you think. A bit.

Before

After