Boo Hewerdine's Blog Thing

Day 1246 - EE-LEE

2014-03-12T20:03:00.000+00:00

It is with some pride that I can announce that I live in the most mispronounced word in English. Really, it's a true thing! This was in the paper yesterday...

Day 1245 - Veil For Sale

2014-03-09T22:26:00.002+00:00

I bought this when I was frankly pressurised by a sales person. I wore it once to the pub quiz and I have to say it didn't quite have the effect I was hoping for. And in the gents I sensed what I can only call an atmosphere. Also, it kept sticking to my beard and everything. I ruddy hate it. Apart from where it got singed a bit on my pipe it's in pristine condition. £27.

Day 1244 - Trouser News

2014-03-05T11:21:00.002+00:00

As you can see I have become a fashionista. Exciting times. I'm looking to shake things up in slacks.

Day 1243 - Blaze Of Glory

2014-03-04T17:04:00.001+00:00

I have decided to make this soothing video for State Of The Union's new single Blaze Of Glory. Sadly Brooks is touring in the USA so he was unable to attend the shoot. I bet he's kicking himself!

https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/blaze-of-glory-ep/id800108884

Day 1242 - New Stage Gear

2014-03-03T19:23:00.003+00:00

I thought it was time for a change...

Day 1241 - Odour Detector

2014-02-28T22:58:00.002+00:00

Did you know that your computer can detect odours? Just glance at the picture below and you will see your device's reaction to your personal scent. I hope it's good news for you.

Day 1240 - The Stir-Master 5000

2014-02-27T20:32:00.002+00:00

After five years of sleepless nights and relentless swearing it is finally ready. Using this handsome device your life will become better than you could have ever imagined, probably. Simply place a cup of warm beverage in the appropriate area and watch astounded as it is automatically stirred. That's right, no more stirring misery. The muscular trauma associated with this unnatural motion will be banished from your future. An affordable contraption that costs little more than a jeep it is sure to be a boon to anyone who has grown weary of redistributing liquid by hand with a spoon. Remember, people who stir things themselves are to be pitied and shunned. And why not download the Stir-Master app? (Your phone might get buggered when dunked I'm afraid)

Day 1239 - Animals Trying To Get Your Attention #37 The Frog

2014-02-26T21:34:00.002+00:00

Day 1238 - Instant Audience

2014-02-24T21:57:00.000+00:00

Are you a deeply unpopular performer who normally sees empty chairs and world weary bar staff? Your troubles are now over! Here at Hewerdine's Duff Act Enhancers we can provide you with the audience you misguidedly think you deserve. These handsome mannequins will sit through your turn (however woeful) and emit loud applause and hoots of appreciation at the appropriate moments. Perfect. And though you might still cry yourself to sleep in a dank candlewick bedspread B&B later, for just a while you might almost feel like it's all going to plan.

Day 1237 - Ryan Hair

2014-02-23T18:42:00.002+00:00

A/ They blow a trumpet in your ear on completion of hair cut

B/ They quite often lose your hair

C/ The seat is uncomfortable and too small

D/ It seems cheap at first but with additional costs the price soon balloons

E/ Other amusing stuff

Day 1236 - Is This You?

2014-02-21T11:13:00.001+00:00

If it is I think I might have your owl.

Day 1235 - Autumn Olympics

2014-02-19T17:03:00.000+00:00

Much excitement in Ely as we have been chosen to host this year's Autumn Olympics. At the moment there is only one event that will be held in the car park behind the sorting office. We are expecting literally several competitors. The Mayoress has said she might come, maybe. She probably won't though. I mean, she said was going to come to the Fen Players' production of Guys And Dolls but she never did. We delayed the start for 15 minutes and everything. We couldn't wait any longer because otherwise some people would miss the last train to Littleport. I, for one, was not only disappointed but more than a little hurt. You know, a lot of effort goes into these events and it would be nice to get a little recognition now and then. But nothing. Nada. Not a dickie bird. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, I really do.

Day 1234 - Mediaeval Cat Humour

2014-02-18T23:57:00.002+00:00

Day 1233 - Commemorative Thimble

2014-02-17T15:56:00.000+00:00

What better way to celebrate my glittering career than with this remarkable item? An exquisite knick-knack that will surely be a topic of animated conversation the next time you have a visiting salesperson. "My mantlepiece has become a tiny shrine" - name withheld on request. This intriguing object comes in a range of one colour at the affordable price of whatever you happen to have on you right now. Hurry! Only one available.

Day 1232 - Tardy Valentine Weak Pun Alert

2014-02-16T15:56:00.002+00:00

Day 1231 - Bon Mot

2014-02-16T00:43:00.002+00:00

Someone asked me to describe myself today. My amusing reply was, "I like to think of myself as self-made man who forgot to read the manual". `I'm sure you can imagine the response!

Day 1230 - Duets For One #6

2014-02-14T11:55:00.000+00:00

I Know Me So Well

Nothing is so good it lasts eternally

Perfect situations must go wrong

But this has never yet prevented me

Wanting far too much for far too long.

Looking back I could have played it differently

Won a few more moments who can tell

But it took time to understand the man

Now at least I know I know me well

Wasn't it good?

Wasn't I fine?

Isn't it madness

I can't be mine?

But in the end I need

A little bit more than me --

More security

I need my fantasy

And freedom

I know me so well.

No one in your life is with you constantly

No one is completely on your side

And though I move my world to be me

Still the gap between us is too wide.

Looking back I could

Have played things

Some other way

Learned about the man

Before I fell

I know me so well

Day 1229 - What I Have Been Building For The Last Six Months

2014-02-12T16:08:00.002+00:00

My first ark.

Day 1228 - Car Games For One

2014-02-12T00:29:00.000+00:00

The other day my companions and I shared a motorway journey. To pass the time we played some car games (Stop The Bus, Red Car Yellow Car etc) and before long there was a feeling of wellbeing in the fully taxed and insured vehicle. But I started wondering, what about the lone traveller - what pastimes are there to keep them diverted? With their contentedness in mind I have devised these entertainments for the unaccompanied driver.

1/ I-Spy

Played by one person, this game, though holding little in the way of a challenge, can kill thirty seconds or so.

2/ The Holding Your Breath Game

After two minutes one's faculties will begin to be compromised - but push on, who knows what you can achieve if you put your mind to it?

3/ Shouting

Simply yell incoherent nonsense about the injustice of your lot until your throat is raw and your eyes are puffy and streaming - the hours will fly by.

4/ Mouthing Along With The Weather Forecast

Although not enjoyable in any sense of the word it is at least something to do after the news is on, I suppose.

So there you have it. Have fun, and perhaps think about making some friends in the future.

Day 1227 - Sing Lofty

2014-02-10T22:03:00.000+00:00

The other day I was on the radio and I casually mentioned that I loved the song Whispering Grass and maybe the version with Windsor Davies, though amusing, had perhaps clouded people's perception of it. I later received a cross tweet from an individual who felt this was an outrageous thing to stay. After some research I now see that I was terribly misguided to express this wrong view. I have since found some of his more intriguing work.

Day 1226 - Parish Council Meeting Re-Enactments

2013-09-15T21:30:00.003+01:00

Battle re-enactments are all very well but they can be expensive and rather violent, if you ask me. So, for the gentler souls amongst us I have started Retro-Meet. Once a week we gather in Thriplow Village Hall where we re-enact various parish council meetings from the mid 70s and for three or four hours every Thursday evening we are transported to a simpler and duller time. Here we are 'doing' September 18th 1976 when the hot topic was the repair bill for the refurbishment of the spare font. So, why not join us and stifle a yawn whilst staring absent-mindedly at a big propeller.

Day 1225 - Advice To Young Singer/Songwriters

2013-09-08T15:47:00.000+01:00

#7 Do not call your album "Go Home" as you might end up feeling like The Beatles did after that thing about them being more popular than Jess Yates, or whatever it was.

NB. The above photograph has been adapted.

Day 1224 - Speech Bubble

2013-09-06T12:08:00.000+01:00

Save wear and tear on your mouth with this new sturdy easy wipe speech bubble. Have blazing rows in libraries without being shushed. Say unpleasant things behind people's backs without getting caught. Scream with frustration at the futility of it all without drawing attention to yourself. Join in at karaoke events despite your grating singing voice. Hand these affordable items out at social gatherings and banish hubbub at a stroke. Marrying somebody with sensitive ears? Say 'I do' without causing havoc with their tinnitus. Also available, thought bubbles for those who want to share the inner workings of their minds. Caution advised.

Day 1223 - Currys

2013-09-05T17:31:00.002+01:00

Apparently you have to dance when you get interviewed for a job at Currys.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-23972952

Here is a picture of a Currys.

Be honest, you feel a bit depressed now, don't you?

Day 1222 - Have Your Own Line-Up

2013-09-03T10:48:00.000+01:00

Tired of resolving family disputes with passive aggression and creating atmospheres? Get it all out in the open with a line-up. Simply print out the illustration provided really, really big and glue it to a wall. Now, next time something untoward happens get all the family (suspects) to stand in front of it. Then, from behind a two-way mirror (not provided) pick out the culprit. That should clear the air.