~Karla-is

Letter to friend

2022-01-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

Do you know what it was? 😏

The reason I called so many times that day? knowing your cellphone was off. Knowing you had set the date wrong; that you had slept in. That it wasn't important to you to attend our friends wedding?

Loneliness. Not so much so that I wanted you to see me in a dress, or that I liked you so much, but loneliness. I am an alien. And you so knowledgeable of the world always made me feel comfortable. I barely knew the groom, much less his family, the bride was a good friend but not the best, no, though at the time we thought we where. Her parents always made me feel judged, and I couldn't relate to her sisters, somehow I was there, I thought you would be too, but you never came.

Somehow that anxiety of that moment came back to me today. And I remembered you.

I hardly think of you anymore, but when I find myself wishing for intelligent conversation trails of your pompous voice and reflections of your smirk make their way back to me. Then I remember how upsetting it was to find out what you really thought of me. And the value of your memory diminishes. I don't wish you any ill, but maybe that you go to make yourself a pot of coffee and find that your wife drank the last cup.

Adulting is Difficult 2016

2017-01-05T16:24:00.001-08:00

With my 31st birthday around the corner, I keep noticing all the changes taking place in my life. Many people have already been this way since they got out of high school, but I know my midlife crisis will be much more settle then theirs. By observation, my personal conclusion of the term, is when people in their middle ages try to gain back their youth, by extreme measures. Since I have been indulging in mine, I'm certain that what ever my future brings for that event, will be settle.
As a person who embraces (an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically) both good and bad things of all walks of life, it is hard for me to choose a path. In movies, everyone has a role to play, a stereotype, a cliche. And then there will be the lead role, who is different from everyone else in the movie. but after watching the movie, eventually you could categorize that person as something you can relate to: a hippie, the bad boy, that messed up tattoo chick, that weirdo, the business man, the jock, the rich kid... etc etc.To me there is too much segregation in this world, I hope to fight stereotypes, and not fit the mold that has been given to me.

Following my own Advice

2015-08-26T03:52:00.000-07:00

It's strange, when you realize you are doing the very thing you were angry at your ex for. I want to go into extensive detail about someone who made an impact in my life: the rebound guy.
He wasn't the best of people, but he wasn't the worst. He was a cripple (metaphorically speaking). No one is truly going through life on their own, something about life, in life, keeps them going. However some people depend on other things too much. This was the case for my friend, the rebound guy. This much I understood about him. I found that we had many things in common, but the one thing that stood out, was our interactions with people, similar, but different. In my world, I have potential lovers, and minions. I don't really "friend-zone" people, I lead them on. I believed it was a similar case for my friend. We both love coffee, and have a special place in our hearts for The Beatles. On everything else, we were pretty different.
It was in those differences that I found myself trapped in a puzzle, a brain teazer, being someone who enjoys math, I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted more. He did not. -- I found myself in the same predicament as my x-fiance, trying to date someone I couldn't understand, trying to control him, but really it was me who would end up being controlled. I found myself being mean to him, punishing him for being himself. I wanted him to take better care of himself, but he had no desire to. I could make up excuses for him, but that wont change anything. All I can do, is hope he takes responsibility for his actions, and the consequences. I stopped hanging out with him when I couldn't bare his unwillingness to love me back. This much about the past is clear. Now and everything in-between is a puzzle, I don't understand, we tried being just friends, but it wasn't working for me. What I do know is that there is no sense in remaining his friend. There is nothing logical about keeping him around, now that I have found my love.
The rebound guy did as rebound guys do, he helped me move on from my x-fiance, he even gave me an extra nudge in the self esteem department. Maybe more than what I am not giving him credit for. How can I know for sure what I am doing on my own or if it's his doing? I let him go, because at one point in my life I witnessed true love. I don't remember or recall from where, but it wasn't what he was offering.
Since I became a mother, I've realized my mistakes sooner, sometimes I knew I was walking into one, but I have made several efforts to correct these mistakes for the sake of my son. I don't want him to grow up thinking that what I had with his father, was what love looks like. I want him to know what a healthy relationship looks like. So far I have failed miserably. But I believe love exists. I want to believe it can happen for me.
I grew up with my parents setting the example of constantly disagreeing with each other, yelling, sometimes being romantic and childish. Growing up after my parents divorced was even gloomier. My mother was in constant pain, but she catered to my sister's and I's wants and needs; overcompensating for the absence of our father; trying to make up for her failed marriage. This is what I was used to by the time I was an adult, being spoiled with "fun" while someone else suffered on my behalf. This is what I was taught love looked like. I believe this is the root of my pattern of failed relationships. I really think I am breaking free from this routine with my love.
A part of me regrets that I could not help my friend, that I wasn't the right tool to dig him out of his rut. Another part of me is angry with myself, because I only valued myself as much as a tool. I didn't want him to be miserable, but every time I tried to control him, miserable is what he would be. Recognizing this pattern was easy, Admitting that it was wrong, was the difficult part. Admitting that real love is simple, was the hardest lesson.

A Freedom I Never Knew

2015-06-05T02:47:00.002-07:00

I love him to the fullest and he absorbs it

He loves me and I overflow

Together we are infinite

Apart he is my ocean

Apart I am his sky

He vapors me kisses

I shower him with reflections of love

I want nothing
I am happy knowing he exists
He is real
My honesty
He is Understanding

I know I suck at poetry. I am just in Awe, of this beautiful person in my life. I think my whole life I've just been dating Assholes. I mean, I never asked for much, but my partners were always very demanding, and now I have this wonderful person... He listens to my stories, and his insight it so releasing. I have been feeling stuck my whole life because I had all this love to give and no one to truly receive it. Every day I spend with him I'm able to let go and give. For me, the root to my pursuit of happiness is the freedom to love. For other people life is about power/control, fame, Respect/Honor, the pursuit of Knowledge/Wisdom, all these things lead people to feel accomplished. These things are what we measure success by, and they are the keys to the roots of some peoples Happiness.
The funny thing about these things is that in order to master one, you must become knowledgeable in all the others. In order to do this, you have to be patient, with a willingness to learn, put yourself in other peoples shoes, learn from their walk of life. You have to be willing to face your fears, make decisions based on instinct, be willing to make mistakes and suffer the consequences. Otherwise how will you know -- that you're tried?
Well I spent my childhood watching my mother suffer, because my father didn't love her to the fullest. What made her stuck was being religious, following rules that only applied to her. My father certainly didn't feel that they applied to him. Among'st other things making her stuck; she put her self worth in others: she's always seeking the approval of others, and she undervalued herself, she never gave herself credit when credit was due. She was too humble. Worst of all she doesn't know how to love herself. You wont know how to truly treat someone until you know how to treat yourself. - That's the true meaning of the phrase: You must love yourself first, before you can love others.
I didn't want to repeat this mistake, in high school I dated without sex, for at least 3 relationships. After I started having sex, I would stay with my boyfriends for a minimum of 6 months, and up to 3 years. I've been married once, divorced, and engaged twice and proposed to 3 times, but one didn't have a ring, so I don't count that one, plus I think my answer was, "ehhh... that's.. not what I want?" Somewhere along those lines, during a time I had a strong opinion about myself. I have been in search of a god.
Ultimately this had to be someone I was proud to stand by, that I respected, admired, and was capable of returning those feelings. And on top of that, that man would earn my trust, love and devotion. Sadly every guy in my life has fallen short of most of these requirements, but I tried to make it work anyways, -that was always my mistake... I would fall into a pattern where I lowered my standards, because I allowed their negligence and disrespect, affect me. Losing my self worth, and settling for less than worthy of my love. Never underestimate what the power of love can do.
Now I have this wonderful person, he fits my criteria, and has yet to fall short. I can do anything as long as my love can flow through him. He loves me back and I feel so empowered. This is what love does for me. Since I have been with him my creativity has increased, my fear of being judged has greatly lowered, and job hunting isn't as stressful. I am no longer stuck. I have no limits, I am free.
because I am love.

Peanut butter cookies

2015-02-13T20:36:00.000-08:00

Today I am making peanut butter cookies with white chocolate chips. I scoured the internet, and it looks like the best combination is 1 cup, of your 3 essential ingredients: Peanut butter, light brown sugar, and butter. The rest has personal modifications, that all depend on personal preference.

So I found myself with a boyfriend. And his favorite cookies, you guessed it, ^peanut butter cookies with white chocolate chips. So, here I am in my kitchen 2 days before V-day baking. Too rich for my taste buds, don't get me wrong, I love peanut butter, and have been known to eat a jar of Skippy in one sitting. Hence why I stay away from the cookies. I would gain 20 pounds if my brain would let me indulge the way it dose with oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately for me, all these alarms go off in my head and wont let me eat a cookie that's bigger than the space I can make between my thumb and index finger.

I don't always find myself excited for valentines day, but when I do, well I don't draw hearts all over everything. But I'm a giver, and I think he is too, I'm excited. Hence the cookies.

I have another love in my life, I like to call my other friends and family. So whenever I make cookies, I make enough for all of them. My bestie, in particular, eats gluten-free. Over the years I have collected several different types of flour; because of this friendship, and curiosity, but the most impressive amongst the gluten free flours, is coconut flour. So you will also find an altered version of this recipe made gluten free. She also has a sensitivity to milk products, but she survives those.
Tip: right now would be a great time to set your cold butter on top of your stove. While the oven, or something you might be heating on the stove is producing heat. Occasionally rotate the butter to a different side. Soon your butter will be soft.

Keep in mind that I make my cookies purely based on taste. So trust me I love this coconut flour, it tastes like, duh, coconuts! And everything you bake with it will taste like coconuts. If you don't like coconuts, use rice flour, it's tasteless to a degree, anything you add to it, will bring out that sweet steamed rice flavor you might really be into like I am.

I rarely do subs for sugar, cuz cookies just are not the same, but I do reduce the amount of the recommended dose.

So I have an excellent tip for you:

When measuring out the peanut butter line the measuring cup with parchment paper, or wax paper. It makes cleaning up the mess so much easier.

The recipe:

1 cup of Peanut butter (Adams)

1 cup of Light Brown Sugar (you could add 1/2 a cup more for taste)

1 cup of softened butter (microwave 2 stick for 30 secs in microwave safe bowl)

2 Eggs

1Tblsp of Vanilla

2 Tblsp Milk

2 cups of Flour (+ 1/2 if the consistency isn't what you hoped for)

1 tsp of Baking Powder (optional)

1tsp of Baking Soda

1/2 tsp of Salt

1 cup of White Chocolate Chips (or a whole bag if you like lots of chips)

Cook at 350° for 10 minutes, if they don't look done, leave them in and check on them every 2 minutes, till the bottom half starts looking golden brown.

If you haven't made cookies before, the best way to make them is by using two bowls. In one bowl you mix your "wet" ingredients (eggs, sugar, butter, peanut butter, milk, vanilla). In the other, your "dry" ingredients (flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt).

A tip: in a measuring cup put your baking soda, salt, and baking powder. With a spoon stir the ingredients. You will note that the salt crushes the little clumps of baking soda. And now you can slowly sift your lifting agent into your flour.

The optional Baking Powder: after trying my peanut butter cookies I noticed how soft they were. This is due to the baking powder. It can make anything fluffy. However, I remember the peanut butter cookies my sister used to make, and they were chewy. So if you want chewy cookies: add 1/2 cup of dark brown sugar, and don't use the baking powder.

Once your "wet" ingredients are well mixed, and as are your "dry" ingredients; mix them together. Then add your white chocolate chips and now you can roll the dough into balls and dip them in sugar. Or just place them in the cookie sheet.

So as you can see, I use parchment paper. It doesn't matter How great or crappie my cookie tray is, the parchment paper always makes my cookies perfect.

Now I'm starting on the gluten free cookies.

Same instructions, new recipe and options.

1 cup of Peanut Butter
1 cup of Light Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Butter
1/2 cup of Coconut Oil
3 eggs
2 Tblsp of Almond/soy/rice Milk
1 Tblsp of Vanilla

1 & 1/2 cup of Coconut Flour
1/2 tsp of Salt
1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
1/2 tsp of Baking Powder (optional)

1 cup of White Chocolate Chips

Cook at 325 ° for 10 minutes or less. If they don't look done, leave them in and check on them every 2 minutes.
Option: instead of rolling them in sugar, maybe you could roll them in oatmeal?

Tip: when measuring out the coconut oil, you will want to use a glass measuring cup. Because the oil really sticks to plastic. I had to wash my measuring cups 3 times before I could get mine clean. Again you might want to line your measuring cup with parchment paper for easy clean up.
As you roll your cookies you will notice they are a bit more oily than your regular cookies. Don't worry this doesn't affect the swelling of the cookies, but they will be easier to burn. So check your cookies often.

You will also notice, that the coconut flour tends to be more crumbly in a cookie. So if you were planning on dipping these cookies in milk -- well do it quickly. Because they are a bit fragile. Especially while they are still warm.

a butterfly? moth? dragonfly? ladybug? something new?

2014-12-02T01:57:00.000-08:00

The best way to write, is to start typing... I have been so hyper focused on moving on, that I had forgotten what I was moving on from. I guess that's how it should work. They say the best way to improve your writing is to read, read many books that use big words, words that make you question if you are guessing it correctly. So you google it, just in case, and then you find that you were right. That's always a pleasant feeling, to know you figured something out on your own, and that you were right. It's different from knowing the knowledge and then being right.
I have so much resentment towards my ex-fionce. He might say I provoked him to act the way he did. And perhaps hes right, but really he was barking up the wrong tree. You should not persue someone you don't understand. If anything you can persue a friendship. But not a relationship. If you don't understand them, you are going to always be trying to control them. The way we do with pets. People are different. Not only do we want to know the reason you are trying to train us, but we also want to do everything in our power to defy and be ourselves.
I realize this is a slightly off. It's difficult to write about and trying to take responsibility for my half of the relationship. But even under the circumstances, he really should have been nicer to me. I suppose that is what happens when you try to make it work with the wrong person. When I met him, I was in a tight spot in my life, he was nicer than most guys I had met in my life, so I thought I'd give him a shot. He was my hero, and I treated him as such, but as time passed, he started hating everything about me. I don't know why, perhaps it was my attitude on life, that I wasn't doing everything I could do to make my life better. I was already going to college, and yeah I had spare time, but I have a child, and I was a young mother. I am still trying to figure out how to spend time with him. And the best way I know how is to at least be in the same building. My son has aspergers, he doesn't ask for my affection, and rarely asks for my attention. He is content with his toys all by himself in his room. So I was content, with the simple things. The small things. And when I had money to save, I would spend it taking him to the movies or dinner. Having a good time now. But this was one of the little things that would bother him. It bothered him that I wouldn't save my money for my "car". I still don't absolutely need one. I pay my friends for gas, I help them fix their car when it breaks, and I treat them to coffee or drinks. I am also very decent company for running arrends with. What I really never understood, was how much he wanted me to depend on him. He certainly hated it when I depended on anyone else, and it urked him that I was not independent. I was 23 when I met him. My 30th birthday is around the corner, and it's still: unreasonable to me -- how he expected me to have my life together. I had part time jobs here and there.
I still feel defensive about it, Cuz I never felt so attacked. Its like we were two different types of caterpillars. And I kept trying to build a cocoon, but he didn't like that it didn't look like his. So he kept stopping me and forcing me to build a new one. But no matter how many times I rebuilt it, he didn't want me to change. He didn't like what I was from the very start.

my little adventure... Begins!

2014-05-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

Allrighty! I'm now ganna spend some time looking like a serious duesher... I bought a mobile bluetooth keyboard-- to use with my phone... I think my second biggest regret is that the auto correct refuses to work... the first is that the buttons are soft and rubbery and make it difficult to push the damn buttons. As for why I look like a duech... I'm at starbucks, blogging with my phone.
Yup I really wanted to write about this experience that I am having. I probably would feel better if I was at a coffee shop in chico, cuz I make such an effort to be recognized. That it never bothers me when I get strange looks. However today, and right now, I'm in Sacramento. Very much plugged into the wifi of this here starbucks with the cheapest best for your buck non caffeinated drink. For one i am not entirely sure what I did with my caffeine pills. I could go through the trouble of finding them but then I would have more issues. I have an hour to kill before my bus arrives. And it's getting dwindled into nothing by people texting me.
So My friend Olivia ;) and her new bff gave me a ride here. It was a nice drive. I do enjoy that part in a road trip where the driver takes the wrong turn and all of a sudden my navigating skills are needed. The funny part is I indirectly took my role. I simply pulled out my smartphone and I thankfully had the address still on my clipboard. And before I knew how I did what I did, the nice operator voice was telling us how to get to our destination. So I'm gonna take the megabus it certainly sounds fun. Mr. Coffee says I should find a better word for "fun" since I like to say "fun stuff" so often. A common complaint, I am sure, but really even the word "fun" is fun to say. Like the word "bucket" followed by all the words that start the same or end the same, the list is endless, with no meaning, or ulterior motive, but to tease the brain into squeezing out some tickle me giggles.
I just got the information that no website would clarify. I will take a picture to show you. I am sure if you wait long enough the answer would come clear, but, for someone who arrived as early as I did, I wanted, needed, to know where the bus parked itself. That is at the end of the platform for the train closer to the thrift shop not the light.

The Thieves Guild

2014-04-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

There is no trust amongst thieves, and yet they all congregate in one place. Who's brilliant yet stupid idea was this? Why their guild master of course. Though he might be the most skilled, he is the loneliest, and most nieve. He trusts his fellow thieves, more than other people. Yet his guild'ies are the ones that steal and take advantage of him every day.
Word of advice, your valuables are not safe in his home. So don't leave them there.

cell phone experiment

2014-04-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

I want to see how much I can write from my phone. I could go to the restroom and try my luck at recording my voice into words, but unless I have a script to read from, my words just don't get written the same. But I think this is probably equally frustrating. I have the new Galaxy s4, so I'm using swipe to type everything. Basically I am typing without having to lift my finger from the screen, and hopefully auto-correct doesn't screw me over on the words I am typing. So forgive me for not having the best grammar.
I'm sitting at Starbucks with my son, and I'm feeling grateful. Everyone is going through a revelation, an apocalypse if you will, an end to the way they used to be, because the world demands a change from them. I'm not worried for them, I am excited to see the results cuz I know they will pull through. And come out better for it. I might be too. Though I still feel very much the same, I know a great part of me has died. I don't think she is worth resurrecting. I'm very much alive, but I'm covered in scars and I'm afraid there is no hiding them. This must be what war veterans go through, the ones that haven't gone "hard" the ones that were never meant to serve, but we're forced to, and came back alive all traumatized. .. I still want to ask my uncles what it was like. But they spent the the last three decades trying to forget, so who am I to ask them to re-live it. I think that's why I never ask people about their hardships, I figure if they want to talk about it, they will.
I'm looking forward to Easter. I miss my family, they are all assholes, but they are apart of who I am. I still look forward to Mexico. I'll make it happen. Until I do I'm not doing anything else! Fuck everything else! My son will come with me. And my dad is going to be doing a bunch of acceptance, and explaining. .. I don't know how to begin to explain what I want from Mexico.
All I know is that it's been calling to me the way only a place called home could.

My life is starting again

2014-04-03T03:26:00.000-07:00

I would have never thought things would work out so well. I am so fucking happy right now! I am terrified of having it all ripped away, but for now, I am going to relish in it.
I haven't been practicing yoga simply my self perseverance. My horoscope recommended I get back to my roots. At first I thought it was talking about Mexico, I still plan on Mexico,but its on hold until all the paperwork crap is over. 5 years of John has turned me into a bit of an illiterate. I was reading some of my work from before John and I, and I had way better choices for words... but many more spelling errors. Probably has to do with all the weed I have smoked these past 5 years I wish I didn't need a man in my life to keep me happy, but I am happy to have met someone new. I think I like him. But who knows, it's barely been a few weeks, and I still don't know if anything is official, but maybe that's his way of giving me freedom? Its not that I need to be with other people, it's that I don't want commitments, cuz commitments freak me the fuck out right now. So technically he's just what I need right now. I am smitten. Rediculous! Right? I've barely been in the dating game for a few weeks well a month or two and I've met maybe 6-7 guys, and I've been on several dates, and this one, is the one I like...
well it took me a whole year or 2 but here I am. My new home still feels temporary, but it's mine and I don't care if eventually I have to pack It back up. For now it's everything I need, and I will make the most of it and be happy. My son is so much happier too. We have little chats everyday, he now reads to me. And sure he gets a little upset about small stuff because he's still dealing with the loss of John, but that's okay too.
I'm working on a better blog because I know I need to. I recently went looking for anything that resembled my brain, And I found nothing. I always carry a notebook, a small notebook in my purse with me at all times. Yet I did not find anything that resembled a Journal entry. 5 notebooks for 5 years and none of them had much of an opinion. I just had some slapstick happy thoughts, some very mindfull opinions, none of them were me.

Short In The Kitchen Again

2013-07-04T05:32:00.003-07:00

...and improvising.

So I wont be going to the store for more food for another 7 days, in the mean time I have a box of funfetti cake mix, which calls for 1/3 cup of oil, 3 whole eggs, or 4 egg whites, and water(which if u just use what comes out of the faucet, is still plentiful). Well you don't want to know how little else I had in my kitchen.. See I went to costco and bought a big thing of olive oil, and one of those amazing bottles of vanilla. I swear they have the best vanilla. Anyways So for the rest of the month I was a bit short on other ingredients to cook decent meals for the rest of the month. well that was last month in May. In June I over stocked on the ingredients for cookies. Well I bought 2 bags of flour a large bag of sugar, 2 medium sized bags of brown sugar, and 3 bags of chocolate chips (2 cups sizes) and it had to be giradelli. It was amazing and yet so shameful I made at least 6 or 8 dozen cookies this month... and I only gave away 2 dozen... (I gained 10 pounds (SO VERY SHAMEFUL)) but they were the best cookies ever! and only one dozen came out a bit toasted, but none came out burnt. But I didn't buy enough eggs, or butter, and although we went through 5 gallons of milk, the milk only lasted a little less than 2 weeks. So yeah 7 days left to the when I buy more food...

Anyways, So I figured I will bake this cake to satisfy our sweet tooth, (myself and the people who live with me) BUT...

as the title suggests, I was short on ingredients, So hopefully it all tastes good in the end. I am currently waiting patiently on the results of the cake I'll let you know when it pops out of the oven. So compared to what is stated above ^, I had just a little less than 1/4 cup of canola oil (I didn't want it to taste like olives) 2 large eggs, and yeah water. So hopefully my oil to eggs ratio didn't ruin the cake. Did I mention I only used ONE round cake pan, when I should have used 2? cuz that's totally what I did, and my cake is expected to look like a beautiful cupcake, but I am worried it might be raw in the middle...

Another dillema, I have no frosting, and when there's no milk, you must at least have frosting, otherwise you will get too much heart burn from eating just the cake... well I had about a third of a cup of powdered sugar, one stick of butter (that I must have over looked, cuz yesterday I had chocolate chips still... but today I dont...) and food coloring I always have food coloring. and vanilla thanks to costco.

So Here I Am. In the kitchen Making up a recipe as I am going on.

So for those of you who want to make frosting but are missing ingredients, here is one of those odd recipes...

1/2 cup of butter or shortening or a ratio of both. If you're like me your butter isn't room temperature, answer: microwave 30 secs, no more no less.

1/2 tsp of vanilla, I like to use the whole tsp.

4 Tblsp of warm water, add the water last, for if you melted your butter you might not need as much water as you think

now the recipe I was looking at called for a 16 oz bag of powdered sugar..(2cups) which I had only a third of a cup So here comes the improvise

1/3 cup of powdered sugar.

1 and 1/2 cup of gluttonous rice flour (its gluten free) this has the texture of corn starch, so corn starch might work as well. The finished product looks lumpy but i promise its good.

add like 3-4 drops of food coloring and mix until content.

So what has happened with the cake is... at 25-30 minutes in I did a toothpic test. it was raw in the middle, but the top of it was starting to toast, so I moved it to the lower rack. for 5 minutes. after the 5, I did another toothpic test, it's a miracle its done.

(A tooth pic test is when u poke the cake in the middle with a toothpick til you cant dip it any further then you pull it out, and if your toothpick has nothing stuck to it your cake is done)

...waiting for it to cool off now; ganna add the frosting and...

And the cake is good! No noticeable bads. its a bit cakey on the mouth but hey that's why they call it cake! I added pink food coloring to the cake, funfetti just isnt colorful enough for me. As for the frosting: it tastes great. So yay! a successful improvising morning with cake!

I really wrote this a few days ago.

2013-03-26T20:39:00.002-07:00

Buenas Noches!

Pues hoy, voy a escribir mi blog en español. Porque estoy tomando una clase de español este semestre. Me van a tener que perdonar si no pueden leer en español. Así que este es el primero, pero primeralmente escribí este diario en otra parte, pero no estaba contenta con el así que lo voy a escribir otra vez pero mejor.

Me llamo Karla, si no lo subieron antes, este es mi blog. El lugar de mi original es Guadalajara, Jalisco (es en México) y soy Mexicana-Americana. Las actividades que me gustan hacer son: escribir en este blog, juntar me con mis amigas, jugar cartas en la cafetería del colegio, y cocinar para mi niño. Si, tengo un hijo se llama Giovonni. El es de la edad de nueve anos. Vivimos con mi prometido, su nombre es John. El es guapo y responsable.

Yo soy estudiante de las Artes Gráficas, pero para hadar mas detalla y ser mas especifica soy Estudiante de de Múltiplos Medios de periodismo. Algún día voy a ser la mujer con la mas experiencia, la administradora de el departamento de artes gráficas de un lugar que usa cosas así.

Otras actividades que me gusta acer : ander en mi bicicleta, patinar con mis láminas del rodillo. También ahí otros deportes que me gustan, pero no son de mi día diario. Pues allí lo tienes. Un tantito de mi en español.

You've known all along to remember the movies you've seen...

2013-03-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am more insightful than I thought.
A friend asked me last night "How do you know so much about how men act, Karla?" my immediate response was "movies, I watch a lot of movies." I delivered this message in a slow calm voice. But now that I have time to think about it, it's because of how I choose my friends. Not the answer to the question asked, but the question that is really being asked: "How do you know so much about people, Karla?"
I don't know about you. As for me I am always watching a movie. The movie of life. -- I sit down, make myself comfortable and I sit quietly watching, intently, upon the characters that I am about to get to know intimately, as If, I have known them my whole life, and say nothing. For the duration of two hours , I get to watch the story of their life unveil before me.
Isn't that what everyone dose when they sit to watch a movie? sometimes there's popcorn, sometimes an intermission (God I hate intermissions!) and sometimes someone pushes the pause button, your snapped back to reality and you wait. How rude; you think to yourself, and you reflect on that movie you were watching, you start to relate it to your own life, then you begin to predict the ending of the movie. The rude person comes back, sits down, and the show continues...
There is a song by Kate Muccuci called "Only Begun" one of the lines in that song relates to this story she says " you've known all along, To remember the movies you've seen, With the bar and the smokes and the good and bad folks, Yeah, the lessons they teach you are free, It's an opinion, so hey, Take the opinion and run, You've only begun" Remember the movies you've seen... the lessons they teach you are free. I'm not ganna lie, I spent a great deal of my childhood in front of the tv. My favorite shows were cartoons that had a storyline, a heroic journey and hard learned lessons along the way. Unfortunately there are also the cartoons that have no lesson to be learned and are made purely for entertainment value, those are great in their own way too, but they give cartoons a bad name. This is why it's important to be aware of what your kids watch on tv. You need to make sure they are watching the good tv shows and not the ones that rot your brain. I could give u a list of bad tv, but I'm not going to trail that far off the subject. My point is, people in general watch a lot of tv, and if you are only taking in the tv at face value than you are waiting your time. Sure in real life there are no happy endings, but in real life people do have a chance at happiness, So why not learn a thing or two from tv?
So when I'm the new girl in a classroom or an office building, I'm polite, quiet (comes off as shy) and I intently do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing, but I also pay attention to a few key things:
What people are wearing, (this is usually the fastest way for you to know if this is the kind of person you would hang out with, sorry non judgmental people but its true. judging a book by its cover is the fastest way to find friends) and on that note, I hope that you are appropriately dresses and groomed as well, because you don't want to scare off your target friend by making the wrong impression.
What the people are talking about and how they deliver what they are saying... this is like listening to a comedian you can tell how good he is by how quickly everyone gets the joke. Pay attention to how people talk, you can easily figure out so many things about a person by the tone of their voice. For example: A person of the opposite sex is talking to you, you cannot tell if they like you, or if they just want to be friends, or if they just want to get into your pants, (which I promise, is not the same thing as liking you) They say something like I think about -- a) you sometimes, b) asking you out sometimes c) how bright your eyes are. they say a- they are your friend, probably a good one. b- they like you, most likely a lot. c--- they just want to get into your pants. yes I learned this from watching people and watching tv.
Finally you want to pay attention to how much they talk about themselves, or other people. This will let you know how good of a person they are, if they are selfish or if they are generous or if they are meanies etc etc.
and if you ever get the chance to see how they live... don't get me started....
This is how I meet people, because for a while they don't realize I'm there, but once I know who they are, I know how to behave myself around them. I know how much of my personal life I can share with them, I know how much I can trust them, and up to a certain point I can figure out if I want to hang out with that person outside of school/ office settings.
P.S. I will get back to you guys with lists of must see tv to learn different lessons of life. For now I leave you with that thought, Tv, don't take it for granted. Those script writers didn't come up with that stuff out of thin air, unless its a really dumb tv show...
anyways,,, have fun :)

Scrounging and Expiramenting in the kitchen

2013-01-27T18:30:00.005-08:00

Okay so I know it has been a while, I'll catch up on that later...

RIGHT NOW! I MUST TELL YOU WHAT I AM DOING!

I am desperate for cookies.

My big issue, and I mean BIG, is that I have no sugar! I have, or should say had, about a quarter cup of RAW sugar and the only other sweeteners I had was strawberry nestles quick, some french vanilla coffee mate, and that's it... So I was thinking, and thinking and I remembered hey I have some pie crust mix in the cabinet I bet I can make cookies out of that. surely enough I find a video to rachel-rays kitchen showing how to make pie crust cookies, my problem still I have no sugar... what to do... well to sweeten my pie crust, I added some leftover pancake mix, a dab of cream of tartar for flavor, and some food coloring. Food coloring makes everything better I promise.

But still the dilemma of what will I do for frosting. Well I have so many other ingredients in my kitchen surely I can come up with a solution to my problem. So this is what I have so far, and it doesn't look good yet. but I am about to add some cream cheese and I hope it fixes itself...

Okay so I grabbed that raw sugar, and I added some french vanilla coffee creamer, and some water, and microwaved it for 30 secs... interesting results the sugar was hot not quite dissolved as I had hoped, so I added one stick of butter.... then i microwaved that solution for 30 secs to soften the butter, (now butter by itself becomes softer when u microwave it for 30 secs.) however when u already have hot sugar... so after I got it out of the microwave I mixed it till the butter fully melted, I realized this wasn't good, so Immediately I added some corn starch, that didn't help, I added some rice flour, i figure well if rice flour can make mochi why not right,, nope bad idea, so i added some vanilla, more corn starch, and then some more rice flour, some food coloring... and then still looks gross... I added some egg re-placer by bobs red mill... it has made my mixture thicker but still not the results i am looking for right now the "frosting" still looks very grainy. So now, I am ganna add some cream cheese, if that doesn't work ill add some shorting...

the cookie part is done.. they don't look half bad.

Just had a taste test, my son tasted them, he says they taste like biscuits.

frosting is still grainy but at least it no longer looks gross... Im ganna add some more corn starch hopefully it will help smoothin it out.. I also added some cream of tartar for taste. alright, i had my kid taste it, he says it tastes like milk.... -_- not the flavor I was going for but I'll take it. I almost forgot i have sprinkles. ill use some of those..

OMG -_- you will not believe what I just found in the damn bag with the sprinkles... 3 tubes of premade frosting...

well looks like ill be decorating my cookies for a while...

just tryed the pie crust cookie with the frosting i made, tastes like a biscuit with cream cheese... but the cream cheese has flour in it....

just tried the cookie with the tube frosting tastes way better.

now trying it with both frostings and sprinkles... its good. :)

finally cookies... now if only I had some milk to drink it down with.. oh well looks like I'll be drinking tea.

good night

Summer is finally here

2012-06-30T14:34:00.002-07:00

So when I finnally finished my finals...
I had to work. I had to pack up my things so that I could move to my new place. Then I had to clean the old place. And now I can finally sit back, and play The Sims3, and Skyrim. I could also play some of the several indie games my bf bought me. But why play those when I could be playing Skyrim? So that is what I plan on doing this summer. I am sorry to report I have nothing to rant about at the moment. These are the melancholy days of a bottled up female.

When I Grow Up, I Don't Want To

2012-03-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

When I grow up, I want to be famous. That's what I had decided when I was in middle school. I had come to accept that I was terrible at science, and I did not want to dissect a worm especially if I couldn't sew it back together to revive it. When I was a child, you see, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and on my spare time I wanted to be an artist. This was the decision I came to; after having a brief conversation with my father, who pointed out that "artists don't make very much money," and that I liked animals so maybe I should be a vet. When I reached college, I found out that artists can make money after all. After hearing an amazing life story from one of my art teachers I decided that multimedia studies might be the way to go. I mean it would make me sound like the Swiss army knife of Art. Then reality happened, I managed to get a few internships, and landed a job with a small time newspaper, which later on fired me for trying too hard... really that is what it boils down to. I found myself defeated. “I am conforming...” I feel this happens to the majority of people, they feel defeated at some point, stop fighting the system and conform. How much of this feeling is myself, how much of it, is perpetuated by what the media says I should do? How many different types of factors are in play, when someone does decide, what they want to be when they grow up?

     Well what if self-defeat happened at a younger age? How about a much younger age, say 8-10? What if instead of having big dreams of being your own boss, all you want to do is be lucky enough to have a job. This commercial was exactly that. In fact, it affected me then, the same way it does now.

     The ad begins "When I grow up, I want to file all day. I want to claw my way up to middle management. Be replaced on a whim. I want to have a brown nose. I want to be a yes man. A yes woman. Yes sir, coming sir. Anything for a raise sir. When I grow up. When I grow up. I want to be under-appreciated. Be paid less for doing the same job. I want to be forced into early retirement." "What did you want to be? Monster.com there's a better job out there" (1999 monster.com commercial)

      "There's a better job out there" the first catch phrase they used at the end of their logo, and a good one at that. This commercial was intended to reach out to middle aged people, who probably already have a job, or just got laid off. Undertones of what this commercial really says is "This is what our website has to offer, a better place, a better job, come look at our website, we will help you find the job, you not only want, but need." But what message does this commercial send to people still in middle school? or high school? It says "There is no room for individuality in the 'adult' world. A job is when you trade in your soul for money." This commercial preys on the fear of growing up and becoming an adult. It says "Our website can help prevent all those bad things from happening. We will be your safety blanket."

     I blame this commercial, and a few TV shows out there for Peter Pan Syndrome (a syndrome that has yet to be considered a psychopathology). The basic description, if you have not guessed it already; adults who refuse to "grow up" they behave like teenagers. “’These are failed adults.... Those who return become weak, indisciplined and infantile,’ warns Dan Kiley, the Tucson, Ariz., psychologist who wrote ‘The Peter Pan Syndrome.’”(Mark Muro, Boston Globe). In eastern countries, they have a term for this age group they call them N.E.E.T.'s (Not in Education, Employment or Training) young people ranging from 16-24 in the United Kingdom, and 15-34 in Japan.(Peter Kingston) Alright, so this commercial is not responsible for PPS, but it certainly holds its two cents, it affects the way a younger demographic would view the future that awaits them. In the interview with Kay Hymowitz, she quotes men from her studies (in regards to “growing up” and marriage), “I have had any number of men say to me, well, why do I have to even be thinking about this? I could be well into my thirties or 40s even before I marry.” Young adults with PPS want to be like the people from sitcoms “Friends” or “Sienfeld” 30-somethings with no kids and no commitments.

     This was Monster.com's first super-bowl commercial, they hired Mullen Advertising of Wenham, Mass. Director Bryan Buckley was shooting the commercial, he said “There was an entirely different board when I won the job somebody sitting in a shrink chair, talking to a psychiatrist about getting a better job. They switched it to “When I Grow Up” at the last second,” I would have nothing to write about if they had gone with their first idea. I found a second version of the commercial, they have a different child saying “I want to have a brown nose” and at the end; instead of “I want to be forced into early retirement.” They have the little girl who wanted the brown nose saying “I want sunshine blown up my dress.”

     Visually, this commercial did a great job. They picked young children, who are at that age where we adults start to encourage them to think about the future. The commercial was shot in black and white, and for some reason anything filmed in black and white always makes us think of the past, our past. This worked perfectly for this commercial; not only are they young they are clean, which makes us feel like they have good potential. What made this commercial so significant, was that it was believable. Sure after watching for the first time we all laughed and probably said something along the lines of "oh, those poor dears." But we were left with a fear, what if that was us? "Well, no couldn't be, we wanted superhero jobs, like astronauts, or firemen; but if that's us now, we better check out that website."

     A tone of naiveness, starts in with the first child, he is clean, his hair is a little long, but it was cut straight. He is wearing overalls and sits on a porch of: a house on a farm, perhaps? His voice is deep and slow, but he speaks clearly, so he must be educated. "When I grow up, I want to file all day." This is what the possibly 13 year old said, but to file all day, would be very boring and a quite meaningless job with no self-fulfillment what so ever. Yet that’s what this child wants to do. He represents the child of America, from the late 1800's when children were still allowed to work, they would wear overalls, and a hat, they came from the farm but went to the city to find high paying job. (Most ended up in factories). They went to school too, but gave it up, to work. So to have a job that doesn't involve the labor of a farm, or the dangers of a factory may be appealing to this child. That's why this child was first.

     The second child, is a younger boy about eight or nine, with big ears and beady determined eyes, a sharp but slightly crooked hair-cut, and a slightly high-pitched but still masculine voice says "I want to claw my way up to middle management. "You cannot make out the background, it's out of focus and purposely so. This child represents a lab-mouse, always spinning the wheel, but never going anywhere, that’s what that statement really means. Important enough, because he keeps the “wheels” turning, but not smart enough, to move on to a better job. To "want" to claw your way up to middle management, means that you: want to, and like to, suffer. Really, who does that, works hard all their life, just to get to the middle, and not the top? I'll tell you who, mice.

     The third child, a skinny kind of lanky girl, plane in the face, wavy almost frizzy but short hair, in front of another farm-like setting says "be replaced on a whim." The very thing about this girl is that she looks like so many other girls out there. She'd be working for someone who doesn’t see her skills as valuable, and thinks that her job can be done by anyone, “A dime a dozen” they’ll say.

     The fourth, another girl, in a garden setting, her hair in two braids, she is nicely dressed, and she says while moving from side to side "I want a brown nose." Because she is in the garden setting, she represents the rich, because she so unknowingly, yet so willingly said what was asked of her with a smile on her face, we can believe she is naive. So when she grows up, what will we expect for her, but to not have the skills she needs to advance in life, because everything has always been given to her. So naturally good manners and flattery are what this girl has left, and hence become that self-fulfilling prophecy.

     The fifth and sixth, a boy and a girl. Both are African American. The boy is from a country setting. The girl is from the city. Both want to be "Yes" people. The 7th, a boy that nods his head up and down, while his lines "Yes, Sir, coming Sir" are played. The way he says it, and the way he nods, makes me think he will become a great Waiter. Then The 8th child slowly chimes in "Anything for a raise Sir." This boy dressed in a cap, and jacket, seems ready. Ready to do his job, whatever it will be. This child is in front of: what at first glance looks like a construction zone, but at a closer look you can figure out that it’s a tall stack of coil spring mattresses, (without the cloth or fluffy material). This says so much. Like the princess and the pea, a fairy tale that claims if you are a true princess you will be able to feel the discomfort of a pea under a stack of 100 mattresses. The worst part of that story is that you would have to climb to the top of the mattresses just to prove that you are what you say you are. That’s why these mattresses are here. It was a ridiculous task for the princess, but she put herself through it, just to prove herself. And that is the hardship that "Yes" men and woman face.

     Children nine and ten start off "When I grow up" "When I grow up..." one is a well-dressed girl in a country setting, the other an African American boy, plainly dressed, who is also in a country setting this says the girl probably owns a horse or two, and is well off. The boy is probably just a farmer. Right after them is child eleven, who is on an Arial lift, and his cable car is on its way down. With a sad look on his face he says "I want to be under-appreciated." This group of children, that are from all walks of life, want a job where no one cares how important their job is, they don't want any praise or glory, there is no fulfillment in this, but they don't care, because no one cares about them.

     The twelfth child, a girl, who is not pretty, rather plain, messed up hair, in a country setting, wearing overalls, says "Be paid less for doing the same job." This is a situation that happens in a few different situations, but in this girls case, I assume she may have been demoted, and yet she is still doing the same job, the problem she's getting paid less, it happens.

     The thirteenth and final child, a boy with glasses, a big nose, and a straight hair cut, says "I want to be forced into early retirement." This boy looks like he could be a boss someday. He could run a business, and one day he will be kicked off his throne by someone younger and more up-to-date with the times. Here is the kicker, the reason they decided to go with this statement “I want to be forced into early retirement” instead of “I want sunshine blown up my dress” because it really does happen. People get forced into early retirement all the time. Had they ended their commercial with “I want sunshine blown up my dress” they could have been accused of doing that themselves: making false promises, with their website you could find the job that is right for you. What if you couldn’t? Then you get people like Lev Grossman, who question why we have so many "young adults" taking their time at growing up.

     Believable? Yes, is this really the case? no, these are hired actors. But nevertheless that "fear" was real. We believed it for a second, and a second was all it took. When you get a commercial like this one, not only preying on your very real fears of adulthood, but exploiting them, you get people who are afraid. Afraid of success, afraid of accomplishing anything -- because to accomplish something, means you are capable of being independent; and to be independent means you are capable of getting a job, and to get a job means you are an adult. "When you are successful, ... you have to grow up. ‘Growing up’... means that you can't hand ... your usual stock of rationalizations and excuses. You will be expected to deliver." says Christine Ballew-Gonzales.

     In the year 1989 the TV sitcom Seinfeld began and lasted till 1998. In the year 1994 the TV sitcom Friends started, and lasted till 2004. In 1998 the TV sitcom That 70's Show began and continued till 2006. These TV shows have a few things in common, they were sitcoms that all started in the 90's and were still being re-run through 2000-2010. These sitcoms were about people who started off single, the casts of these people where from the age of 14 to 40, and they each had at least one character who had full blown Peter Pan Syndrome. However these where fictional characters so I cannot prove it as fact. What we do know, is that N.E.E.T.’s range from the ages of 15-34, and people with PPS are on average the ages of 20-35. And yet here we have this commercial to have come out in 1999, when the unemployment rate was only at 4.5% before the recession, before 9-11, before Occupy Wall Street, and still become as popular as they did, shows how much of an impact this commercial made. If this commercial was to air today, today when the unemployment rate is at 8.3%, and to be aired when now, that our generation is of working age. Now that we as adolescents’ watched from our classrooms, through the TV, those twin towers become rubble. Now that the economy has failed us, to the point that millions of people around the world became involved with Occupy Wallstreet, because our representatives, people who we elected to represent us, failed. Now, when the country needs a hero. Imagine the product of fear.

Works Cited

Ad Publishing Information. Adland.tv n.d. Web. Feb 28, 2012

< http://adland.tv/commercials/monstercom-when-i-grow-1999-030-usa >

Christine Champagne. “Spot On” Directors Guild of America. Winter 2012. dga.org. Web. Feb

28,2012 < http://www.dga.org/Craft/DGAQ/All-Articles/1201-Winter-2012/Superbowl-Commercials.aspx>

Monster Worldwide. Press Room. “Time Magazine Applauds Monster.com Commercial as ‘The

best Television of 1999’”.n.d. monster.com. Web. Feb 28, 2012 <

http://www.about-monster.com/content/time-magazine-applauds-monstercom-commercial-%E2%80%98-best-television-1999%E2%80%99 >

Mullenwen. Mullen Advertising. “Monster WhenIGrowUp” YouTube.com. uploaded May 21,

2009. Web. Feb 28, 2012.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9o1wni3N5s&feature=related >

Christine Ballew-Gonzales. “Forget Fear of Failure - What Most Writers Fear Is Success”

WritersDigest. Writer-On-Line.com Dec. 3, 1999. Web. Feb 28, 2012 < http://www.writer-on-line.com/content/view/48/66/~Articles/Inspiration/Forget-Fear-of-Failure---What-Most-Writers-Fear-Is-Success.html >

Mark Muro. "You Can Go Home Again." Boston Globe (Boston, MA). 24 Jun 1992: 69+. SIRS

Issues Researcher. Web. Feb 28, 2012 < http://libproxy2.butte.edu:2111/cgi-bin/hst-article-display?id=SCA3399-0-9617&artno=0000005954&type=ART&shfilter=U&key=%22peter%20pan%20syndrome%22&title=You%20Can%20Go%20Home%20Again&res=Y&ren=Y&gov=Y&lnk=Y&ic=N >

Lev Grossman. “Grow Up? Not So Fast.” Time. Cseweb.ucsd.edu. Jan 24, 2005. Web. Feb 28,

2012 < http://cseweb.ucsd.edu/~datorres/docs/grow_up_not_so_fast.pdf >

University of Granada. "Overprotecting Parents Can Lead Children To Develop 'Peter Pan

Syndrome'." ScienceDaily, 1 May 2007. Web. Feb 28, 2012.

< http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070501112023.htm >

Kay Hymowitz. Maureen Cavanaugh, Pat Finn. “’Manning Up” Unlikely For Twenty-

Somethings” KPBS. Kpbs.org. March 8, 2011. Web. Feb 28, 2012

< http://www.kpbs.org/news/2011/mar/08/manning-unlikely-twenty-somethings/ >

Peter Kingston. “Neet generation” The Guardian. guardian.co.uk. Nov 1, 2004. Web. Feb 28,

2012 < http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2004/nov/02/furthereducation.uk >

U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. “United States Unemployment Rate” Trading Economics.

tradingeconomics.com. n.d. Web. Feb 28,2012

< http://www.tradingeconomics.com/united-states/unemployment-rate >

Infoplease.com. “United States Unemployment Rate” Infoplease.com. n.d. Web. Feb 29, 2012

< http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0104719.html >

Woman & Men

2012-02-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

Equality is something women have fought for a long time with men. The reason we haven't reached this goal is for one too many reasons which I will only list three of here:

One: too many women are codependent, and are in bad relationships with men who treat them like trash, and worse thing is they aren't too far away from fitting the profile.
lets face the facts, most codependent women don't know how to be independent (without wellfare) most of these women already have a child depending on them. So they accept: that the abusive husband they have is the best they will ever get. So these women will never rise to equality with men, because they will always be mans slave.

Two: Who needs equality when you have superiority? Some women have it all. They are Independent; meaning they have a job that pays the bills, Attractive, physically fit, most of the time single, but thats a good thing, cuz by the time this woman is ready to settle down, so is the man of her dreams. (most men don't even start thinking about having kids or getting married till they are 30). And when these woman get a boyfriend or any kind of male relationship, These men buy her gifts. Why? Cuz she already has everything she needs. So they cant trap her with empty promises of the world. This is the woman you should want to be. Men who marry this woman tend to treat her like a queen for the rest of their lives. (or so I would like to think)(couldn't say never experienced it right?)

Three: We like our cake and eat it too. I really never understood how this statement makes any sense, I know what it means, or how it interprets, but in its most literal sense, it makes no sense. I mean When you bake a cake, or buy one, its to eat it! Anyways.... We like to be equal but we also want to be old fashioned. The perfect example of this, there was a woman on Reddit arguing that she should have half of the money her husband brings in; only because she is entitled to it... The only way she could win this argument is if she divorced him, and took half of his assets. I'll tell you why. At this point in history we Americans are facing Economic Collapse, for her to be demanding half of her husbands income, is a bit ridiculous, she should be stepping up to the plate and bring money in too. This is what a woman seeking equality would do, but no, she was a stay at home mom. And: TAN TUM TUM! She plays WoW. now I do not know how much time she spends playing WoW, but since she plays enough of it to post stuff about it on Reddit, well I could assume she spends plenty of time playing it. Comparing her duties to mine; even if we took her word: that she keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids or kid, those are still things that are not that hard to do, if you are doing them right. (If you managed to raise your kid right), assuming the kids are well behaved, all she has to do is ask them to do their homework when they get home. Make them a snack, help them with their hw if they need it, start dinner; when her husband gets home serve dinner, then make sure her kids brush their teeth and have their clothes picked out for the morning before she puts them to bed. Most apartments these days come with dishwashers, so its highly likely that she only needs to rinse her dishes which only takes about half an hour. An average day for me on these things is about 6-8 hours of housewife/mother duties, even so I do not feel entitled to my fionces money, and I wouldn't feel entitled to it if we were married. Here is why:
My fiance is not rich, we are not middle class, and even if we were, He still pays most of the bills, and what is left after usually goes towards food. (this is sugar coating it, I am not about to go into my finances) So for this woman to want half from her husband: made me ask; Is she a "trophy" wife or a "soccer mom?" the answer was no. She is most likely over weight, (as am I) cuz as we all know you don't lose any weight when playing WoW. And soccer moms are too busy taking the kids to practice to play WoW. Why would I ask such a sexist question? it shouldn't matter right? not if he "loves" her? right? wrong. It matters. You want to be treated like a queen, Act and look like it honey. I know for a fact that those twinkys in the city spend most of their time at the beauty salon for a reason, not because they have nothing better to do with their time.
There are still 6 hours of the day available to get a part time job. (at the moment I am unemployed) and I know that a part time job would still not pay half the bills. But at least it would be my own. So if this woman wishes to have money of her own instead of getting it from her husband she should get a part-time job. The money would be her own cuz she earned it, and she earned the right to keep it cuz now she dose pull half the responsibilities. (but half the responsibilities, would still imply that she has to spend half of that money on bills, whether or not half of her income covers half the bills at least she is paying some of the bills, and still doing her wife/mommy duties, and that is equality.
For those of you who do not know what WoW is: WoW stands for World of WarCraft, it is an online MMO/RPG. If you don't know what that means, Google it. As for WoW its a very very addicting game, worse than farmville, if you know what that is...

Learning the Truth

2012-01-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

When I was young, I was introduced to the idea of Santa Claus a little late. I was past the age of six, I remember that much. I was introduced to the concept of God; when I was much younger, yet didn’t really find meaning in all of it till I was about six. The funny thing Is; I accepted The existence of God. That God created the world in 7 days, but when my father told me of Santa Claus, I was like “nat ah”

The Truth about Santa Claus, is that I would have liked to believe in him, the concept is really awesome, if you truly truly believe, you can get all those awesome toys/gifts that you deserve, for being such a good kid. But I knew there wasn’t one. I knew that he was make-believe. I knew my poor parents where the ones getting me gifts, because I never really “wanted” for anything special, (for my first few years of life), therefore my parents would just pick something out for me. But of Course as I got older and began to understand that on Christmas, and my birthday, where days when my parents would spend large amounts of money on me, I learned to “want.”

And it was in the “wanting” that I got proof that there was no Santa Claus. It was the Scarlett O’Hara Barbie Doll, I may have been 6-8 years old, but I had spent so much time watching tv with my grandmother, that I had learned to have great taste in movies. So yes there is that about me, in my lifetime I have watched Gone With The Wind at least 10 times, (it’s a four hour movie) one that every girl who wishes to make something of herself should watch. I know it doesn’t teach good morals, but if you learn anything from it, is that Charm can take you a long way. So yes I wanted a Scarlett O’ Hara Barbie Doll. But I lived in Mexico, back then the dollar was 10 pesos, the Doll was 30 dollars, which was 300 pesos, So you can see my dilemma. Years Later, actually about 2-4 years ago, one of my best friends bought me the doll for Christmas, or my birthday, I can’t remember, cuz the dates are so close together.

Anyways… I have yet to undergo a circumstance where God was not real for me. It’s not like I prayed for a pony then got one, but I’ve always asked for guidance, and got some sort of answer, do I always follow the answer, no. I usually ignore it, but knowing the answer, lets me know he’s there.

I don’t really know why I started off with God and Santa Claus since I really wanted to talk about the truth I found out of the opinion of someone about me. It hurts. It always hurts. I really never understood why… and as I type this, I realize it’s human unpredictability. Perhaps it’s that they truly care; or don’t care enough, or that they care more about themselves. Probably the last one. Because let’s face it, Some people cannot handle the truth. So we would rather be lied to. We think we can handle anything, but we cannot. Some truths would make us go so crazy, that it could make us kill. Perhaps this is the predicament that my so called friend found themselves in. In their selfishness, to protect themselves, protecting the image of themselves to me; they went out of their way to deny me the truth.

Thinking about it makes me angry, but then haven’t we all lied to someone, just so that that person does not think that we are the “bad” person. Are we? Is this what they call “white lies?” It is the white lies that keep us going, is it not? Is God or Santa Claus our White LIES?

Safely walk to school without a sound

2012-01-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

As I climbed into the bus and found my seat, the song I Think we are going to be friends – White Stripes, played on the radio. I thought to myself “how perfect.”… So far it’s alright. I don’t actually feel board yet. Yet…
So instead of going straight to my blog to post this, I decided to type it in Microsoft word first. I am currently at my schools library, doing what I call “Pretending to do something productive” It’s what I would find myself doing when I would follow a friend into a computer lab, or when I was at work and didn’t really have anything worth doing. I will sit at a computer open up Microsoft work or any txt program really, and just start typing away. Sometimes I would just type “pretending to be doing something productive” over and over again. So that I don’t get caught I usually put on a crazy font that is hard to read from an over my shoulder distance, that way if someone asks, I say “oh it’s an article I am working on.” Now that I think about it, perhaps I shouldn’t be giving away this secret of mine. Especially if I plan on getting a job where the boss, is hopefully smart enough to search me on the internet. Thankfully I deleted my facebook, and tore apart my myspace. So really besides my email, this is really all that is left of me on the internet. But ehh, if they cannot appreciate a good blog; then I probably don’t want to work for them anyways.
So for 4 days out of the week I will be waking up super early, riding my bike in the cold, catching a bus to the main campus, learn about plants, have plenty of time on my hands to do homework and stuff… So far I have had a few complements on my hair, and one on my coat. My hair at the moment is turquoise with a bit more blue than green. I wanted just blue, but its turquoise… when I bleached the purple out my hair turned green with blond instead of just blond… also I have yet to find a light blue that sticks to my hair. All the blues I have tried (2 brands so far) don’t grab my hair, they act like shampoo and just sit on my hair but don’t grab my hair, therefor just rinsing out.
As for my coat, it buttons to the side of my chest, so one side of the collar is larger than the other, it’s pink, and has the texture of an old couch. It definitely looks like something an old lady would wear, but I love it. My boyfriend thinks it looks like cat skins, or cat throw up, I guess he doesn’t like how raggedy it is. So when I get a compliment on my coat, it makes me feel great cuz It’s PROOF that he is wrong about something. Anything that he is wrong about is usually a triumph for me, cuz he’s usually right about everything. Love him, but I love it when he’s wrong more….
Oh almost forgot to mention, My dad txted me again today. I hope it’s not because he thinks his txting is cheaper than talking, cuz when he gets his bill he’s probably ganna stop txting. By again, I mean oddly, he has been txting me, and I think my sister, once every other day, in the morning. He wishes us a good day, and love. So I don’t know what influenced him to contact us so often. Perhaps he read my blog and got a touch of guilt, or perhaps he also, like so many of us, fears his death is near, or that the end of the world is near, and since traveling is out of the question for him, perhaps this is his way of staying in touch with my sister and I… It’s still not enough. It helps, don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it, it makes me a bit happy to read from him, but it also makes me a little sad.
Ahh yes, the library is full, and a free computer is a limited resource especially on the first day of school. I feel like I’m getting away with something here. Like the cheap thrill of stealing sugar packets from the coffee shops, they are complimentary sugars, but it’s not like your drink actually needs sugar, so you grab some anyways, 3-5 packets and stuff them in your purse, or wallet…. Yes… sugar… but I guess I don’t have anything to write about anymore. So I am going to leave you now. The one thing you should never steal is colors. Leave the colors be. (im not talking about paint or crayons or art supplies) I’m talking about rainbows. Leave them alone they are perfect the way they are. Uniforms only depress people.

My Father

2012-01-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I saw my fathers face for the first time in 17 years. That would be the length of time my parents have been divorced. It was 17 years ago that we left him in Mexico, like we had so many times before for the summer, but that time we never came back. My sister, who writes a blog in Spanish, shes very proud that she remembers how to speak & write it, so good at it in fact she teaches a class how to speak it; anyways she had sent me a txt with his picture. I first saw the picture & thought why is my sister sending me a picture of some old dude? the txt at the bottom said my dad had sent her the picture, I took a second look, I was speechless. For 5 minutes straight I didn't know what to say, I showed the picture to my bf, who did not seem to grasp the impact this was having on me, just said "huh" or something along those lines, anyways... I txted my sister back with "wow. he looks nothing like what I remember" she agreed.
I turn 27 today. I have yet to accomplish anything I thought that I would by the time I reached this age. I have always wondered if my life would have turned out differently if my dad was still in the picture. My picture my family, but for the last 17 years he has been a memory, and we talk only about 3 times a year, never really knowing what to say. For these 2 days & few hours I find myself starring at his picture. I turned it into one of the three wallpapers on my phone. Hes so old now. The top of his head is completely bald, his once bushy eyebrows are so thin he might as well draw them on. I hung out with my mother a few hours later, I showed her the picture, she never has a pleasant word to say about him. She was also surprised to see how Age had taken its toll on his face. I then looked at her & realized she was getting old too. She hadn't dyed her hair in more than a year, her grey hairs where at least 6 inches long. All the frowning she dose, gave her so many wrinkles.
Here I am 27 years old, I did manage to live on my own for a little while, I did get married, I had a shared art show, but a few people showed up just to see the things I created. Now I have needed so much help to get myself out of problems I created for myself, I had help getting divorced, Heck I had help leaving the guy. and now I'm not sure if I have accomplished anything else. I'm still in college. I dye my hair bright unusual colors, refusing my own natural hair color.
Yet here I am starring at the picture of my father.
He sent me a txt this morning, "Hola pequena como la estas pasando, feliz cumpleanos pasala bien un abraso y un beso, abre tu correo y contesta" (that was spanish).
I responded with "HOLA Papa estoy bien, gracias! Banjo me ensenio tu photo, que no tienes una de ti sonriando? Te extranio mucho"
He said "Yo tambien t extrano mucho t amo cuidate y cuida al gio besos"

I am disappointed by the shortness of the conversation. I cant blame him, after all, he's in Mexico, & txts are probably super expensive. I am sorry if this seemed depressing, or sarcastic I'm sure the next time I write about anything it will be more uplifting.
remember to breathe.