We Are Seen

How God Worked in Our Adoption Story

2022-07-25T16:18:00.001-05:00

God is still working. Don’t let your social media feeds tell you otherwise. I know He can be hard to see through the division and the emotional turmoil. But if you pause the scroll and look for Him, you will find Him. His work isn’t done.

Jon and I have seen it up close. After praying for years, God answered with Harper. She is a gift and a blessing. And God did more than give us the privilege of calling her our daughter. Looking back, we can see His care and guiding hand in many ways.

One of the most obvious was by providing the financing for our adoption. Using everything from our own saving efforts to gifts from friends and family to unexpected fundraisers planned on our behalf - God moved that mountain. One of our friends (an adoptive parent himself) said it’s like God has a huge pile of money set aside just for adoption with people who He’s given a heart for it. We were so amazed to see how He used many of you to help make the impossible possible.

At the end of July 2021, we got a call about our first official adoption match. We were caught in a brief, intense whirlwind that lasted 2 weeks before the birth mom backed out. We were disappointed and hated the thought of starting over. But God comforted us and gave us peace. That wasn’t our baby.

Just days after our match fell through, we found out that another birth mom wanted to speak with us. We felt cautious after our first experience. But our agency had said that you never know why God has placed you in a birth mom’s life - even if it is only for a short time and doesn’t lead to a successful adoption. We may never fully know why God connected us with the first birth mom. We do know God used that experience to teach us how we needed to go into our second match. We were called to love and be there for this birth mom as long as she needed us - even if it meant she only needed us to be an option. She was Harper’s birth mom.

A couple months later, that mindset helped steady our hearts when she changed her mind the first time. It wasn’t only about us and our desire to grow our family. It was also about her and the decision she was facing. We were disappointed again, but we understood that in the end she would have to make whatever choice she felt was best for her and her baby. A week later, the adoption plan was back on. Our birth mother coordinator cautioned us that this match was now riskier since the birth mom had already changed her mind once. But we knew what God had shown us - we were called to walk with her as long as she needed us and no matter what the outcome would be. Our birth mom was due mid-November.

God knew we’d need more than a healthy mindset in the days ahead. In His sovereignty, He directed our church leaders to schedule the church leadership retreat for Sunday through Wednesday the last week of October. We spent those days connecting as a couple, enjoying close community, and recharging our hearts and minds. On Thursday, I had my last day of nannying (I planned to have a couple weeks off to prepare before the baby came - ha!). Harper was born that Friday.

We were able to be with Harper from when she was born until Monday - when her birth mom changed her mind the second time. Looking back, having the leadership retreat beforehand was such a gift. We needed our hearts to be filled up ahead of time to survive what felt like the death of our child. God did that, and He also sent both sets of our parents and some of our closest friends to hold us as we fell apart the day we said goodbye. Our employers already expected us to be gone, so we were able to escape for the rest of that week to my parents’ house. We were hurting deeply, but God surrounded us with His love.

We came home to an empty house and a half-eaten bottle of formula I couldn’t throw away. But mercifully, the house didn’t stay empty long. We arrived home over the weekend and brought Harper home for good on Tuesday. Our miracle girl. She is the beauty that God brought out of the ashes.

We couldn’t always see God working in the midst of it all. But He was. And we know He still is (our baby hasn’t gone hungry through a formula recall and a formula shortage!). He’s not done with us, and He’s not done with you. Take heart. Only God can make light out of the darkness. Seek Him and you will find Him. He is good. And in Him, there is still hope.

Comfort & Strength in the Waiting (Part 7): Isaiah 40:26-31

2021-07-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

Our adoption wait has been hard this summer. Bringing home a baby in May would have been so perfect. 6 months from going active. 9 months from submitting our application. A maternity leave without missing school. Instead we had two leads - through personal connections - that both hit dead ends. May also brought the worst emotional adoption scam of the handful we’ve faced.

For so many years, I’ve hoped and longed to be a mother. I’ve been doused in buckets of disappointment and despair, but still my hope and longing haven’t been snuffed out. Which almost makes it all worse. Because the weary cycle repeats. Over and over. And over.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12 NLT).

People tell me I’m strong, but I’m not. My own strength melts into a puddle on the floor with a word. I’ve literally felt my muscles collapse in heartache. I’ve felt so tired - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - that I thought I might fall asleep and never wake up. I buckle, and I break just like anyone else.

“Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion…” (Isaiah 40:30 NLT).

Even the child who can spend hours jumping on the trampoline, swimming, and playing tag with energy to spare will eventually crash into bed. Even the young man who has pushed all his physical limits to the extreme and trained his body to keep going will eventually tap out (Isaiah 40:30 - my paraphrase).

I’m human, and so are you. We have limits - limited understanding, limited control, limited energy, limited foresight, limited strength. But there is still hope. There is still comfort. There is still strength. Because we have a God who is not restrained by those same limits.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power” (Isaiah 40:28-29 NASB).

But Satan uses the circumstances of our lives to whisper in our ears: “God doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t even see you. How could He and still allow this? How could He not step in and do something? Either He doesn’t exist, He doesn’t have the power, He is not good, or He does not see or care. Whatever the case, you are on your own.” We hear these lies, and much of what we see tempts us to believe them. But God tells us to shift our gaze.

“Lift up your eyes on high

And see who has created these stars,

The One who leads forth their host by number,

He calls them all by name;

Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power,

Not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,

‘My way is hidden from the LORD,

And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God’?" (Isaiah 40:26-27).

This week I started reading a book that my mom sent to me: Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George. She begins in Philippians 4:8 with God’s instruction to think on what is first of all true and real, especially about God. Using the examples of the Israelites and Hagar (whose story inspired the name of this blog), she says,

“This God-breathed, true account from the Bible reminds us that God sees, hears, and knows all about the sufferings of His people. He also remembers His promises, cares about His people, and acts on their behalf and for their good. You and I must choose to ‘think on these things’ - these comforting, tender, and rock-solid, never-changing truths about God’s care and concern for us - rather than focus on our own faulty thoughts or feelings. Regardless of the difficulty and pain of life’s circumstances, ‘these things’ are what is true and real about God!” (p. 27).

God has written the truth about Himself into the stars. We can’t see Him, but we can see His work, and we can know His heart through His Word. Thinking on those truths about Him helps correct my perspective, which is the starting point for finding strength and comfort. But I also have to wait for Him.

“Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40:31).

Waiting for a baby does not give me strength.

Neither did waiting for a diagnosis.

For an appointment with a specific doctor.

For helpful test results.

For a positive pregnancy test.

For a certain treatment to work.

For lifestyle changes to affect my body.

Neither does waiting for an adoption call.

For a birth mother to choose us.

For meeting our little one.

For finalization.

All of it zaps my strength and energy and reminds me of how very human I am.

But waiting for God is different. Waiting for Him means I am trusting and leaning into Him - the One who knows me better than anyone, who cares about me more than anyone, and who has promised that somehow He will use everything that comes into my life for good (Romans 8:28). It means I am abiding in Him - looking to Him moment by moment for each decision and turning into His arms when life hurts. It means that I will not be disappointed because the object of my hope and wait is first of all Him - and He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

Another quote from Elizabeth George’s book struck me as I was reading last night:

“While waiting on God’s will regarding marriage, Jim Elliot wrote to his future wife, Elisabeth Howard, ‘Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.’ Commenting on his wisdom decades later, Mrs. Elisabeth Elliot wrote, ‘We accept and thank God for what is given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it.’ God is adequate” (p. 50).

God is adequate. He is more than enough. I can only ever be satisfied and content with Him. I can only ever be happy and holy with Him. Every other good thing in this life is a grace - a gift that I do not deserve and could never earn. He gives so much in the gift of Himself alone - and He blesses us abundantly on top of that. I can keep going another day when He is the One I’m waiting for.

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting (Part 6): Isaiah 40:18-26

2021-05-14T10:47:00.001-05:00

*Heads up to my e-mail subscribers: My current e-mail subscription set-up will be discontinued in July 2021. I will try to figure out a different e-mail option before that happens and let you know if I need you to re-subscribe or not.*

Running our social media accounts for our adoption has become a part-time job. Here’s what we do:

1.     Think of a relevant new post that showcases our everyday life and provides variety from previous posts.
2.     Take quality pictures or videos that are bright and action-packed.
3.     Write, revise, and format a caption.
4.     Add hashtags.
5.     Post to Instagram and Facebook.
6.     Repeat at least every other day – daily is best.

It’s a lot of work. But we do it in the hopes that our birth mother will be able to find us easily and quickly once she is ready for us.

In the meantime, it’s tempting to put too much hope in the process itself. We believe God has called us to adopt, and we have been doing everything we can to make ourselves ready and available for that. God’s Word is clear that His people are to be people of action – He uses us to bring about His purposes. But we can easily slip from active pursuit into misplaced trust. We start relying on ourselves, on institutions, or on a formula to produce results instead of keeping our trust and hope in God and keeping our hearts surrendered to His will.

Isaiah 40:18-26 (and many other passages) shows that the people of Israel were also tempted to trust in the work of their own hands over the one true God. The culture around them offered dozens of idols to choose from – they could bow to any number of created gods (made from materials God created by hands God created using the skills God gave) and not have to hear or obey anything they didn’t like. With idols, they could make their own rules and ideas about what God was like, and they could maintain the illusion that they could control their lives by manipulating God to get what they wanted.

But God is not like any created thing we can see or imagine. He is the Creator, and He is far above anything that we could compare Him to. Even the most powerful people of the world pale in comparison: “They hardly get started, barely taking root, when he blows on them and they wither. The wind carries them off like chaff” (vs. 24). We aren’t comfortable with that kind of power. A god we can hold in our hands is more manageable and less terrifying than One who holds the universe in His.

Thankfully, our God is also a personal being. There is a tenderness that comes through in verse 26 as God calls each of the stars by name and loses none of them. This passage leaves no doubt that God is strong, powerful, big, and sovereign. But He also cares about His creation and knows every detail down to the number of hairs on your head. He deserves our trust not only because of His great ability and authority, but because of His love.

When we had nothing to compare Him to – no frame of reference for Him – He lowered Himself and entered the world as a baby. He lived among us and died a degrading criminal’s death by the very hands He came to save. Jesus is the only tangible picture we have of what God is like (Hebrews 1:1-3). He showed us what strength under control looks like and what power without abuse looks like. He has the power to bring about His purposes in our life, He is in control over everything, and we can trust Him with that power and control. We are foolish when we let our hearts wander into relying on people, work, and things. Only He is worthy.

“And we know that the Son of God has come, and he has given us understanding so that we can know the true God. And now we live in fellowship with the true God because we live in fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ. He is the only true God, and he is eternal life. Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.”

(1 John 5:20-21 NLT)

“And we know that the Son of God has come, and has given us understanding so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. This is the true God and eternal life. Little children, guard yourselves from idols.”

(1 John 5:20-21 NASB)

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Maranatha Women's Retreat 2021

2021-03-12T09:13:00.000-06:00

The Shove

On the drive home from speaking at Maranatha camp’s marriage retreat, Jon asked if I was planning on going to the women’s retreat as well. I listed off a few pros and cons and concluded that I wasn’t sure. “I think you should go.” His candor surprised me. He doesn’t often vocalize his opinions without being prodded. Two weeks later, I returned to camp.

Friday (Day 1)

I’m not sure what it is about Maranatha - the beauty of the lake, the break from daily responsibilities, the spotty cell service, the opportunity to break out of your comfort zone, the connection with other believers, or the army of prayer warriors who support the ministry - but God always works through it.

Early in the women’s retreat, God first nudged me with an ordinary memory. I know a 5-year-old who, like most kids her age, enjoys having downtime with her iPad. But did you know iPads have side effects? Hearing loss is one (I’m sure it’s documented somewhere). Attempts to talk to this sociable girl during iPad time are met with silence or zombie-like mumbling. Later, she will not remember any response she gave, and if you tried to tell her something important, she will accuse you: “You never told me that!”

As the memory reel crossed my mind, I knew what God was showing me. I do the same to Him. I feel sometimes like He is silent or that He isn’t communicating what I think He should. The problem isn’t God’s voice. The problem is that I get so fixated on whatever is in front of me that I’m not listening for His voice. And I miss it. He isn’t going to shout - I have to be alert and ready to hear.

With my heart primed, God started the deeper work. Friday evening ended with a speaker whose message pressed into some old marriage wounds (which had already been scuffed during the marriage retreat). Healing from that part of our story has been (and continues to be) a long process. God is still untangling the mess in my heart. But just like my junior high self swatted away the hands of the surgeon who tried to remove my appendectomy bandages, I shoved God’s healing hands to the side that night. Healing hurts. And it’s scary. I wasn’t sure I was ready for another phase of it.

Saturday (Day 2)

The sunny morning on Saturday promised a warm, beautiful day and brought my guard down. I knew from years of camps, conferences, and retreats that the last evening session is usually the heaviest, so I expected more of a “salad” morning (in the thick of the marriage struggles I just mentioned, I labeled movies and tv shows as “salad” or “steak.” My heart couldn’t handle the complicated or emotional steak shows at the time, so we watched a lot of Phineas and Ferb). I haven’t even seen the show This Is Us, but I can tell you that’s what kind of morning it ended up being.

Morning Session

The speaker began in Psalm 13, which piqued my attention and caution. When she moved to 1 Samuel 1, I felt my throat and chest tighten, and my walls shot back up. Hannah. Breath caught and eyes frozen, I listened as the speaker shared her own story of infertility that nearly mirrored my own. Then, the room spun as she talked about her failed adoption match. Finally, she described the picture text she received from their case worker of a baby boy that said “I can’t wait to meet my mommy and daddy!” I couldn’t hold myself together anymore.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to. Jen (whose son and daughter-in-law are also waiting for an adoption match) grabbed my hand and Polly (an adoptive mom herself) handed me a Kleenex. Shaking and crying (like I am now as I write this), I made it through the rest of the story because of the specific women God chose to seat on my right and my left. Once we were dismissed, Rhonda crossed the room to give me a hug and let me know she was praying, and then I darted out of the building and toward the lake. Mind spinning and heart racing, I didn’t look back as I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I reached my favorite spot to be alone at camp.

Processing

For an hour, I cried, I talked to God, I stared at the water in front of me and the tree above me, I journaled, and I listened to the songs God brought to mind (the main one being “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North). The adoption portion of our wait hadn’t been hard yet. The change of direction from medical intervention had been a breath of fresh air, and excitement ruled the earliest months. We had already waited six years - what was one or two more?

But March arrived. March has gotten harder each year because of my birthday. Age is not a friend of infertility, and in the days prior to this retreat, I had been struggling more with the possibility of having a long adoption wait on top of what we’ve already endured. March marks sixth months since we contracted with Lifetime and four months since we went active. Now, we are almost done with the adoption work, and our main job is to remain ready and to wait. I understand that God has a specific baby that He wants to place into our family, and I know that He has a specific birth mom he wants us to be connected with. I know there is no way to predict or force that connection. But losing the distraction of being able to “work” on our adoption has made it more difficult to stay positive when I am forced to slow down (like at the retreat). Many days I am fine - happy, even. Saturday was not one of those days. But God held me and helped me wrestle through my longing.

After lunch, I spent a couple more hours alone with God and then rejoined the other women for Josi’s art workshop and Polly’s Refit workout.

Josi’s Art Workshop

Josi gave us 5 questions to ask God, and she provided music as we reflected:

(1) What does my heart look like? What do You want to do with that?

(2) How do You want me to think of You?

(3) Will You give me a picture, verse, song, or word to show me what You think of me?

(4) Do You enjoy spending time with me?

(5) Is there anything You want to show me today?

After spending some time in prayer, we gradually retrieved our various art supplies and started to create. Here are the explanations behind the journal page I put together:

My Heart

As I thought about my heart, I saw a few wounds that still feel fairly fresh. Others are partially healed, but they still break open easily. I also saw that some of my wounds are scarred over, but they still occasionally itch or ache - like my deepest surgery scar.

Safe

I was reminded that my heart is always safe with Jesus because of who He is. No circumstance can ever change that truth.

Dark Gray Phrases

The dark gray phrases in my picture depict what I was saying to God. Most of these are lyrics from the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North. I knew I was missing a key lyric from the chorus, but I couldn’t get internet in the building we were in to look it up, so I made the picture without it. Later, I had enough service as I was walking to our cabin to find the missing lyric: “That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.” How crazy is that? I’m pretty sure I forgot the lyric so that God could emphasize the truth of it to me that much more.

Light Gray Phrases

The light gray phrases are what God had been saying to me in various ways. Here are a few examples:

“I am kindness without manipulation” came from an Instagram post I had seen from @stephaniehcochrane days before the retreat.

At one point during the retreat, I was looking through the papers shoved in the front of my Bible and found an old note from some of our first youth group girls. On the back, I had written notes from a sermon: “If you try to shepherd without first sitting with the Savior, one way or another your sheep will end up with scars” and “Have the attitude of a victor, not a victim.”

Polly’s Refit Workout

The Refit workout helped calm my emotions and clear my mind for the rest of the evening. Moving your body does wonders for your inner well-being. Also, Polly is the best!

Evening Session

Saturday night’s speaker had us laughing, cringing, and sympathizing with her as she described the year she spent as a missionary teacher in Brazil. She was solid in the way she taught Scripture, and her encouragement was to follow the basic principles of trusting and obeying God. Her message was simple, and it served as a great landing spot after the wrestling I had experienced through the previous messages. The path ahead was clear once again. The next right step is always to trust God and to obey what He asks me to do. I felt His peace rest on my heart.

Sunday (Day3)

Sunday morning was a time of wrap-up and reflection. After the message, we were encouraged to visit with the ladies around us about what God had been teaching us. For me, this eventually led to a sweet time of connection, evaluation, and prayer with Tanya and Natalie (two other ministry wives). We are all in different seasons of life, but we were able to understand and relate to each other so well. We cried together, encouraged each other, and helped each other identify and voice what was going on in our hearts.

I have no doubt that women’s retreat is exactly where God wanted me to be last weekend. He spoke to me through my husband to urge me to go. He spoke to me through the speakers to make me face some of the things I’d been pushing down with busyness. He brought the women He knew I’d need and who would need me. He sat with me by the lake. And He will “never, never, never, never, never” leave me. He is so good.

Follow our adoption journey: Facebook Group

Visit our adoption website: Jonathan & Sharayah Adopt

If you are thinking about choosing adoption for your child

and would like to learn more about us,

please call or text Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784!

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Our Journey to Adoption

2021-02-07T15:24:00.000-06:00

Photo by Lindholm Photography

A Curious Surprise

My brows furrowed in confusion, and my mom looked amused. I’m not sure how old I was, but I was young enough to be surprised by the revelation that my friends with brown skin and white parents were adopted. I had known the two boys for as long as I could remember; our families went to the same church and often got together for playdates and a few holiday celebrations. Yet, their family’s mismatching skin had never struck me as unusual. I was still years away from learning about basic genetic principles. The initial surprise quickly dissipated and changed nothing; I still knew who their parents were.

My Mission for a Sister

For years, my understanding of adoption remained minimal and influenced by movies like The Rescuers and Matilda. Despite being questionable informants, stories like these awakened compassion in me for kids who didn’t have the stable, safe, and loving home that I had. That compassion rolled over me like a flood one day when the poster at Wendy’s caught my eye as my family waited in line to order lunch. The Colorado Heart Gallery poster featured children who were waiting for their forever homes. I studied the rows of pictures (not unlike my own school pictures), the first names, and the ages of the children. I had always wanted a sister.

Thus, my campaign for convincing my parents to adopt a sister for me began. Each trip to Wendy’s reminded me of my goal and renewed my resolve to bring my mom and dad on board. Using all the logical and emotional appeals I could think of, I tried for weeks (months?) to persuade my parents to consider adoption. Those children needed parents and a home. We had parents and a home. What else was there to say? While I thought I felt their “no” bending a few times, their decision remained firm in the long run. My big brown eyes failed to work their magic. Later, my mom told me that if my timing had been different (say, lined up with the birth of the fourth Northup daughter), I may have succeeded. Drat.

As I slowly gave up on my campaign, I discovered a documentary-style show on TV that featured true stories about different adoptive families. My attention was redirected, and I instead began to dream of the possibility of adopting children of my own one day.

Early Learning

In elementary school, I met a girl who became one of my very best friends. I eventually learned that, like the boys from church, she had also been adopted as an infant. While the topic of adoption didn’t come up often, she graciously put up with my curious questions when it did, and she gave me more grounded insight into adoption than what I had received from the media. Adoption was the method by which she was brought into her family, but she was always adamant that her parents were her parents.

Throughout the rest of my school years, adoption continually popped up in one way or another. The two boys gained another brother through adoption and then three of their cousins became their siblings after a tragic loss. Stories like those of Steven Curtis Chapman and Letty McMaster drew me in like a magnet. In college, I met several students who had been adopted – some internationally. I soaked up the classes in Bible college that explored the Bible’s teaching on our spiritual adoption into God’s family.

Pre-Marital Counseling Discussion

When Jon and I got engaged, we went through a book called Preparing for Marriage. As we worked through the “Great Expectations” worksheet, we came up to this question: “What would you do if you cannot conceive biological children of your own?” This sparked our first conversation as a couple about the possibility of adoption. While Jon hadn’t grown up closely with people who were impacted by adoption, he had grown up as a pastor’s kid and had also developed a heart of compassion for people that naturally made him open to the idea. We agreed that adoption could be in our future regardless of whether or not we were able to have children biologically.

Ministry: Adoption Connections

Entering ministry provided an explosion of opportunities to meet people touched by adoption. We now know many adoptive families, we have served several children and teenagers who were adopted, and we even know a mother who placed her child for adoption years ago! Not all of the adoption situations are the same. We’ve known people affected by kinship adoption, international adoption, foster care adoption, domestic infant adoption, and even embryo adoption. Each person and each family has helped to shape our view of adoption. They’ve helped us to see the realities that go along with it while also showing us what a gift it can be.

Plans Redirected

Many of you reading this have been walking with us through our infertility journey. We started trying to become parents six years ago. In the beginning, our plan was to have biological children first and then consider looking into adoption. After the first two years passed, adoption began to tug at my heart and mind again. However, pursuing adoption felt like giving up on the hope of ever having biological children. I wasn’t ready for that, and neither was Jon. At the 3.5-year mark, an acquaintance who had read one of my blog posts reached out, shared a little about her own story, and gave me the link to Lifetime Adoption’s website. I kept the link open on my phone and returned to it periodically. Four years in, we still weren’t ready to take the leap, but I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to start learning everything I could about adoption. I started listening to podcasts (Infant Adoption Guide Podcast, Adoption Now, and Creating a Family) and reading books. Jon overheard some of the podcasts, and we began having more and more conversations about adoption. The more I learned, the more excited I became about the idea. With each passing month, we both felt more and more that we just wanted to be parents – we didn’t really care how it happened. Adoption started to feel less like closing a door and more like saying yes to a different door.

Baby Steps

In October 2019 (about 8 months after I started researching), we took our first action step toward adoption. We reached out to one agency for more information and found out that we’d have to contact them after January 1 to try to get a spot in the next available “Information Sharing Meeting.” Long story short, we weren’t able to get into the meeting until June 2020. We left that virtual meeting feeling disheartened by their whole process and discouraged by the amount of time it would take just to get through their required meetings let alone to wait to be chosen by a birth mother. For many reasons, we knew it wasn’t the right fit for us.

In May 2020, we filled out the online contact form to get more information from Lifetime Adoption. I also downloaded their free e-book written by their founder (Mardie Caldwell) titled Called to Adoption: A Christian’s Guide toAnswering the Call. Their response time was staggering compared to what we had experienced with the other agency. We received a detailed e-mail outlining everything from the next step in the application process to Lifetime’s history, facts, and statistics to a breakdown of Lifetime’s fees and services. The more we learned about Lifetime, the more confident we felt that God was leading us to move forward with them.

From April 2020 to July 2020, I read the book from Lifetime as well as a book called Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore. As I read, I shared the highlights with Jon. A few of the many quotes that really made us think were:

“‘Why don’t you adopt?’ I said. ‘For the amount of money the doctors are asking for with this [in vitro fertilization or artificial insemination], you could adopt two children. And you wouldn’t have the risk of continually failed treatments” (Moore, 88).

“‘So, here’s the question,’ I asked. ‘Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?’” (Moore, 88).

“How do you know when it’s time to move on from fertility treatments? I wish there was a simple answer. For me, it was when I realized that I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to have a biological child. Adoption could make that happen for me. You see, choosing adoption doesn’t have to mean giving up on being pregnant. I just knew that I was ready to be a mommy and God was leading me toward the dream down a different road. A number of years later, I was blessed with a successful pregnancy, but I never questioned the unique way my family came together” (Caldwell, 91).

In July and August, we met with one of our students we knew was adopted (with the permission of her parents), and we met with her parents separately. We wanted to gather as much information as we could, and we are so grateful they were willing to share their stories and answer our questions.

During this summer, Jon and I spent some very intentional and regular time praying together for guidance and clarity as we tried to discern the path forward.

The Final Push

Not long after I finished reading, our friends, Cody and Molly, gave us a hard copy of Called to Adoption with a note tucked inside. We had no idea that they had been considering adoption, but they had taken the leap to move forward with Lifetime! Their courage helped give us the final push we needed to take the next step. We submitted our application and had our initial phone conference in August 2020. At the end of the phone conference, the intake coordinator offered us a spot in their program that would remain available for thirty days. We waited to make sure that our finances were in order to both move forward with Lifetime and to make it through my surgery that was scheduled for October. Once all of that was in place, we jumped in.

The Whirlwind (Highlights)

9/9/2020 – signed contract

9/17/2020 – public announcement

9/29/2020 – home study interview #1

10/13/2020 – home study interview #2

10/27/2020 – home study interview #3

11/12/2020 – home study approved

11/21/2020 – met fundraising goal to pay Lifetime’s balance

11/25/2020 – website approved

11/30/2020 – officially went active & website went live

2/1/2020 – Lifetime received our completed printed profiles

Now

All that we have left to do on our end is to create our adoption video, check in with our adoption coordinator monthly, be available and prepared to say yes, and wait. We are automatically being presented to all of Lifetime’s birth mothers (1) who fall within our set preferences and (2) whose preferences we meet. There is no way to predict how long it will take for us to be chosen, but we believe that God knows exactly who He wants us to connect with and when. I know I haven’t mentioned God directly, but like the book of Esther, I hope you agree that His name doesn’t need to be explicitly listed to see His hand in the ways He has prepared us, provided for us, and prodded us. We are so excited to see how His plan for our family will continue to unfold!

Follow our adoption journey: Facebook Group

Visit our adoption website: Jonathan & Sharayah Adopt

Visit our friends' adoption website: Cody & Molly Adopt

If you are thinking about choosing adoption for your child

and would like to learn more about us,

please call or text Lifetime at 1-800-923-6784!

Photo by Katie Arndt Photography

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting (Part 5): Isaiah 40:12-17

2021-02-06T13:31:00.001-06:00

Jon has done his share of waiting on me. We’ve been married for 8.5 years, and he still doesn’t understand why anyone would take longer than 5 seconds to get ready for bed. The worst wait I’ve inflicted on him was during our wedding ceremony. He stood at the front of the church and looked to the closed doors at the end of the aisle. They should be opening. Why weren’t they opening? The questioning eyes of a few hundred people bounced back and forth from the doors to his face. Seconds felt like hours, and as they continued to pass, he couldn’t help but wonder if I’d worn Nikes instead of heels. Still, the doors stayed shut. Panic eventually overshadowed confusion, and his brain raced to figure out what he should do – what he could do. Waiting longer was far too uncomfortable, but what other option did he have?

Waiting is fertile ground for the weeds of fear and control. I checked our wedding video, and the flower girls reached the stage about 90 seconds before I appeared on screen. Those 90 seconds had Jon worrying he’d been jilted and searching for a way to change or control the situation. His reaction wasn’t unique. Abraham and Sarah gave in to fear when Sarah couldn’t become pregnant, and they took control to force the outcome they wanted. Abraham slept with Sarah’s servant, and everyone involved felt the pain of running ahead of God’s plan (Genesis 16). When Samuel wasn’t showing up on time, Saul saw the massive Philistine army and his scattering people and feared that the odds were becoming less and less in his favor. With the pressure building, he made the rash decision to disobey God and to do Samuel’s job of offering the burnt offering. Of course, Samuel showed up as soon as the deed was done. Samuel called Saul out and told him that he had no one but himself to blame for the ending of his royal line (1 Samuel 13).

I don’t like waiting, and when the discomfort of it gets to be unbearable, I too start looking for an escape. My mind runs ahead with made-up (often worst-case) scenarios and what-ifs. When I get tired of going in mental circles and grieving hypotheticals, I switch to action. I research, prepare, and work – both to distract myself and to try to manipulate my way out of the wait. After all, I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Am I not the “master of my fate” and “captain of my soul?”

Isaiah 40:12-17 puts me back in my place and restores my perspective.

“¹²Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand,

And marked off the heavens by the span,

And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure,

And weighed the mountains in a balance

And the hills in a pair of scales?

¹³Who has directed the Spirit of the LORD,

Or as His counselor has informed Him?

¹⁴With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding?

And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge

And informed Him of the way of understanding?

¹⁵Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,

And are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales;

Behold, He lifts up the islands like fine dust.

¹⁶Even Lebanon is not enough to burn,

Nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering.

¹⁷All the nations are as nothing before Him,

They are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless.”

In these words, I see God comforting His people as they waited for His deliverance from captivity. To them, Babylon seemed too big a foe, but God reminds them just how big, how wise, and how powerful He is. If He can hold the oceans in His hand, a “drop from a bucket” like Babylon is no problem for Him. My infertility is no problem for Him. $35,000 of adoption costs are no problem for Him. Your obstacles, fears, and hang-ups are no problem for Him either. We can trust Him – when doubts and fears arise, we need only to remind ourselves of who our Father is. Keep holding on, and watch for Him; He will show up.

These verses don’t just remind me who God is – they remind me who I am not. The obvious answer to the questions posed is “no one.” God alone can measure “the sky between His thumb and little finger” (MSG), and He doesn’t need to be taught or counseled by anyone. When I read verse 13, the thought hit me: How often have I tried to counsel God in my prayers? There is a difference between humbly presenting our requests with a heart submitted to His will and laying out a “honey-do” list and expecting God to bend to our will and way. I am the one in need of counseling. Do I listen to Him as much as I talk?

You and I are only human, and our human nature drives us to put ourselves on the throne of our hearts. Because of sin, our natural desire is to want to be the god of our own lives. We forget just how bad we are at it until we fall flat on our face again. We were never meant to bear that job. Our shoulders aren’t broad enough, and our wisdom is limited and faulty. Allowing God His rightful place in our hearts through worship and submission doesn’t put us in chains. It frees our hearts to rest and to enjoy life through the wait and in spite of the pain.

When the discomfort of the wait pressures you to act out of fear, remember who God is and who you are not. It’s not your job to fix it or force it. Do only what He leads you to do. Trust Him to act (or withhold action) according to His limitless expanses of wisdom and power. When you fail, remember that the same God sent His Son, Jesus, to take the punishment for you. Continue forward in His grace and refuse to allow shame and guilt to trip you up further. Keep bringing your eyes back to Him, and keep getting your rear end off the throne. God has given us all we need to wait well in the gift of Himself, but we need to let Him be God.

I know you are all dying to know… so here’s the other side of our wedding ceremony story:

Jon didn’t know that I was also staring at those infernal doors. For me, time was going far too fast. My dad and I stood, arms linked, as I took deep breaths and tried to decide if I could make it down the aisle without vomiting. My wedding coordinator offered to walk down the aisle next to me with a vase, but the thought mortified me. Heightened nerves, July heat, little food, and a dress that was tied too tight made my head spin and my stomach flip. With a room full of people waiting, I had to bite the bullet and just go. Finally, the doors opened, and I made my way to my groom with all my stomach contents in place. The whole room breathed a sigh of relief and prayed for a short ceremony.

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting: Part 4 (Isaiah 40:9-11)

2021-01-01T14:15:00.001-06:00

The year 2020 has been a “Where is God in this?” kind of year.

A global pandemic.
Economic stress.
A passionately divided election.
Racial tension.
Natural disasters.
Spikes in suicides and mental health problems.
Fear, division, and conflict on all fronts.
A loss of normalcy.

The start of 2021 brings with it a sense of cautious hope for some, while the more skeptical prepare for another year that they don’t think will be much better. In times like these, it’s easier to understand why the unbelieving masses scoff at the idea that any God, let alone a good God, is here. The truth of a sovereign and loving God appears absurd to those who see only the current state of our world apart from the metanarrative of Scripture. It’s hard enough for those of us who do believe to wrestle through the paradoxes of suffering and blessing, of justice and mercy, of a good God and a broken world.

I imagine that the people of Judah had a hard time believing the good news of deliverance when it was proclaimed to them through their captivity as well. In Isaiah 40:9, the messengers are told to declare “Here is your God!” at the top of their lungs from a mountaintop without fear. Judah’s long exile in Babylon, though a consequence of her own choices, would no doubt have screamed, “Where? We certainly don’t see Him here!” The weariness of decades of waiting would have taken its toll.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for; the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).

The concept of faith has been watered down to a nice sentiment of wishful thinking. In reality, it is a firm conviction of what is true regardless of any circumstances that may seem to contradict that truth. It is based on evidence (faith gets its value from its object), and it is fleshed out through obedience. The “hall of faith” in Hebrews 11 is full of people who believed God and obeyed what He was calling them to do even through the most wretched of circumstances and even when doing so made them look ridiculous to others who were watching.

The people of Hebrews 11 did not believe blindly, and neither did God’s exiled people. They were not asked to believe in a God who hid away in the shadows but one who revealed His character. Isaiah 40:10-11 provides a picture of the God who rules with strength and might of a lion alongside gentleness and tenderness of a lamb. He is a sovereign God worthy of all submission, loyalty, trust, and devotion. He also humbled Himself to walk the earth as a man and suffer a criminal’s death so that He could set us free and hold us close. He is power and compassion together. He is truth and grace together. He is our competent and capable Leader and our understanding and caring Father.

What would our world be like if all our leaders possessed such qualities? The Bible gives us hope that we will not always be subject to authorities who are shifty, corrupt, arrogant, deceitful, and selfish. Verses 10 and 11 not only show God’s character, but they also point us to a glorious future where Jesus will return at His second coming and reign in righteousness for one thousand years on earth (commonly called the Millennium) before the final judgment and the creation of a new heaven and new earth.

“For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us;
And the government will rest on His shoulders;
And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).

While you wait for the provision of a new job, for the end of social distancing, for the return of large-scale gatherings, or whatever it is you are waiting for, you can find comfort and strength by cultivating your faith. Remind yourself of who God says He is, and look forward to the day when He will return and make all things right. Remember that He is here – He has not abandoned us. Listen to Mike Donehey’s new podcast, “Chasing the Beauty,” for more ideas on how to look for God in your everyday life. Trust that even through 2020, God has been causing “all things to work together for good to those who love [Him], to those who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Keep obeying Him, don’t grow weary of doing good, and know that “He is a rewarder of those who seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6b). If you seek Him, you will find Him – He wants to be found.

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Shirley

2020-11-29T18:41:00.001-06:00

She leaned down so that I could whisper in her ear with my hands cupped around my mouth. My eyes darted over to my parents to make sure they weren’t paying attention as I divulged to my grandma the scheme my brother and I had devised to spy on Santa that Christmas Eve night. Her blue eyes sparkled, and she barely contained her amusement as she listened to our plan to sneak back upstairs after Mom and Dad went to bed. She delighted in her grandchildren, and we could do nearly no wrong in her sight.

However, I do remember one particular occasion that my brother was getting into mischief - enough to warrant a stern reprimand from the sweet-natured woman everyone knew wouldn’t hurt a fly. “Ryan David Wayne!” she exclaimed with a scowl that quickly melted away as she realized her mistake of adding my Dad’s middle name into the rebuke of my brother. My brother’s offense was completely forgotten by all three of us as we laughed together and went about our day.

We loved going to grandma’s house. We’d sit on her lap and watch Cartoon Network while snacking on buttered pop-tarts, bread and butter, or her candy stash. She knew I liked to draw and always made sure to have a stack of paper and colored pencils ready for me to use. I’d play on her keyboard, and she’d tell me about how much she liked listening to Randy Travis, Alan Jackson, and George Strait. Occasionally, I’d eat pickles, and she’d let me drink the pickle juice when they were gone. She’d also make us strawberry milk and let us take it to bed until we accidentally spilled it all over the water bed one night. Even with mishaps such as that, she adored us and would have given us the world if she could.

Grandma was always there. She watched us overnight when our parents needed a sitter. We knew we would see her at the end of any ballgame, concert, or school play. When Grandpa bowled in a league, she would sometimes take us along to watch him. I remember falling asleep on her lap there once. At the motorcycle shop, she had toys we could play with, and she’d walk out with me to get a cream soda from the pop machine. Even into adulthood, I could look forward to a phone call on my birthday and a birthday card every year from her and Grandpa. After I was married and moved over 6 hours away, Grandma came with my parents to see our house and spend some time with us in Kansas.

Most holidays were spent at least in part at Grandma’s house, and we thoroughly enjoyed her family-famous chicken and homemade noodles, fried chicken, and scotcheroos. She loved making her kids’ and grandkids’ favorite dishes. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, Grandma relished the time when we would help her put up her Christmas decorations. She would tell us stories about the older ornaments, and our excitement and innocence brought her great joy. For Christmas Eve, we would attend the Christmas Eve service at Grandma’s church, and then she would always let us open at least one gift afterwards.

I was her “Sweetheart,” and she was one of my safest places on earth. She loved her family fiercely and would have given her right arm for any of us. Giving and taking care of everyone were her things. Every goodbye was accompanied by a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and an “I love you.” We loved her dearly too.

This last goodbye has been harder to stomach. Grandma tested positive for Covid-19, and it is also suspected that she may have had a stroke. While her health had been declining for some time, we were still caught off guard when we were informed on November 25 that she had taken a turn. On the afternoon of November 27, Grandma went home to be with Jesus. Our hearts are aching with her absence, but we are grateful that her suffering has come to an end.

Comfort & Strength in the Waiting: Part 3 (Isaiah 40:6-8)

2020-10-10T15:29:00.002-05:00

I can’t tell you much about my surroundings at the time other than that I was out in the front yard of my childhood home. Ever contemplative even as a young child, my mind was given to frequent wanderings that led me so deep in thought that I was completely oblivious to the outside world. I once looked up from reading a book to find myself alone in a dark classroom – everyone had gone to the cafeteria for lunch without me. On this particular occasion, I was studying our clean-cut lawn. Somehow, a question had arisen in my mind – probably extending out of a question I had been asked before: if I could be any animal, what animal would I be? Out of inquisitiveness more than fear, my mind took it a step further and was searching for the answer as to whether there was anything I could be that would be completely free from danger.

An ant is so small it can hide and go unnoticed, but it can also be stepped on. Birds can fly but can also be shot out of the sky. Every animal I could think of was prey to some sort of predator. I could be one of the kitchen utensils, but they can all break, bend, or melt. Surely tall buildings, mighty fortresses, would be immune – but even they fall to the destruction of fire, erosion, battering, and time. A blade of grass, its rich color being the very representation of life, seemed safe enough. Yet, even the grass can be cut.

The truth I had unknowingly stumbled upon was that of the second law of thermodynamics. Everything breaks down. Everyone dies. Flowers wither, mountains crumble, empires fall, and bodies decay. No exceptions exist within the created world. Everything we work for, long for, and wait for in this life is transient in the end. All that we gain apart from Christ, we will one day lose in some way or another. Still, somehow we are surprised by pain, suffering, and loss.

“A voice says, ‘Call out.’

Then he answered, ‘What shall I call out?’

All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.

The grass withers, the flower fades,

When the breath of the LORD blows upon it;

Surely the people are grass.

The grass withers, the flower fades,

But…” (Isaiah 40:6-8a).

But: how often I have sighed in grateful relief for this three letter word in Scripture.

“But the word of our God stands forever” (Isaiah 40:8b).

God is not subjected to the ever-increasing entropy of this world because He is the holy Creator – the set apart source and origin of all life and energy. He is a category all His own, and His Word stands firm – unshakeable and unchangeable. His promises are sure, and His character is unchanging. As the source, He is the only one who can provide and offer eternal life. His power is the only power that can bring about resurrection and new life.

In his letter, Peter directly applies this passage in Isaiah to the good news that God did in fact provide and offer eternal life and resurrection to us through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus (see the first chapter of 1 Peter). This good news, this message, this word of God is the only thing that will endure forever, and by trusting in Jesus (who is Himself called the Word of God – John 1:1), we also will live forever with Him. When we trust in Him, we are “born again not of a seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God” (1 Peter 1:23). This truth is what lasts and what matters above all else. We will all die physically (unless Jesus comes for us sooner) because we were all born physically and conceived by perishable seed of parents who are perishing day by day. Those of us who have been “born again” by trusting in Jesus Christ “will live even if [we die]” (John 11:25) because we have been spiritually re-born through the imperishable Word of God. God has provided the way for us to know more than decay, destruction, and loss. This is why Paul can say, “…I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…” (Philipians 3:8).

From time to time, we need to remember the brevity of life and the temporary nature of all that we know and hold dear in this world alongside the steadfast eternity of God’s Word. Doing so changes our perspective in a way that allows us to endure suffering, to wait with peace and hope, and to experience joy in a world that is quite literally crashing down around us as a result of sin. It won’t always be this way. We have a hope that is sure and steadfast. Our faith is not wishful thinking, but it is a confident assurance of what we know to be true. We have a rock and anchor to cling to not in our faith itself, but in the object of our faith: Jesus, the eternal, unchanging, unfading Word of God. Knowing Him is worth far more than anything.

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting: Part 2 (Isaiah 40:3-5)

2020-08-21T17:32:00.000-05:00

I am currently preparing for my upcoming surgery, which involves a lot of phone calls, e-mails, scheduling, re-scheduling, arranging, and organizing. I’ve put together my 4th home file for working with my clinic, complete with dividers inside and a schedule attached to the front. I’ve secured a place to stay in the town where I’ll be having surgery and requested the appropriate amount of time off of work. I’ve read through my pre-op packet so that I know which medications and supplements to stop and when. I’ve reviewed the notes from the communication logs from my past surgeries to figure out the quickest, most efficient way to get financial estimates with the fewest phone calls.

[Free tip: keep a call log involving communication about anything medical – write down the date, the name of the person you talked to, the department that person was from, the direct phone number for that person (if possible), and the gist of the conversation. If they don’t offer this information automatically, or if you forget it as you are talking to them, ask them for it at the end of the conversation. It is so helpful to have later, trust me!]

Something like surgery obviously requires some amount of preparation. What may be less obvious is that accessing the comfort and strength God promises also requires some prep work. We want the comfort, and we want the strength, but if our hearts have been neglected and cluttered up with sin, untended wounds, and distrust, we will have an impossibly hard time receiving those things. It would be like trying to apply a registration sticker to a dirty license plate – the sticker will likely just fall off, if you can even get it to stick in the first place.

Isaiah 40:3-5 is used in all four gospels (the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) in reference to John the Baptist. John’s job was to prepare the way for Jesus. His message was one of repentance and of dealing with sin. When we repent, we change our mind to fully agree with what God says about sin. This change of mind naturally directs us to change our behaviors (Romans 12:2 tells us that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds). With this message, John helped prepare the hearts of the people – to smooth out the rough edges and clear out the debris – so that they were ready to receive and believe in Jesus when He came.

John’s message didn’t leave his listeners despondent or defensive like we might assume (though I’m sure he probably had a few who responded that way). Luke 3:15 records that the people who heard John speak were left in a state of waiting expectantly. Some even wondered if John himself was the Messiah, though He quickly corrected them and pointed them to the One who would come after him. The point of dealing with sin through repentance isn’t to leave us trapped in shame, crushed under the weight of our guilt, or restricted to a robotic and boring cookie cutter life. On the contrary, dealing with sin is the path toward restoration, healing, freedom, and hope.

We must be diligent to keep our hearts clear of all that doesn’t fit with the way God designed us to live. As we do that, we ensure that our hearts are prepared to see God’s glory when it is revealed, to accept the love and comfort He offers, and to rely on His strength in an act of trust. If we are not careful to tend to our hearts, particularly during seasons of waiting, we will find ourselves much more often and much more quickly falling into despondence, desperation, and weariness. We rob ourselves of the richness of God’s fellowship and presence when we focus so much on preparing outwardly for whatever it is we are waiting for that we fail to do the work inwardly.

It’s an easy mistake to make. Particularly with waiting for a pregnancy, I have neglected my heart several times in my determination to do “all the things” to try and make the physical outcome happen. You’ve read it before in my posts, so I don’t need to repeat all the things I’ve been doing to try to get pregnant. Most of it is outward and physical, and it is easy to get so busy and wrapped up in it all that I don’t realize how messy my heart has become. Just like the laundry that is never done, our hearts need constant maintenance. They don’t automatically stay clean once we know Jesus. One day, we will be free from the very presence of sin, but for today, it still lives and wars inside us. It often sneaks in undetected while we are distracted, like mold does. Coasting is not an option – we have to be diligent and intentional in keeping our hearts clean and prepared.

Thankfully, those of us who trust in Jesus have the Holy Spirit – another subject John spoke of frequently with great anticipation in conjunction with his message of repentance. The Holy Spirit helps us to understand God’s Word so that we can know how we are to live. He also guides and leads us as we remain sensitive to Him and walk with Him throughout every step of our day. However, we can also stifle Him and drown out His voice by refusing to act on His prompts and by harboring sin in our hearts and refusing to give it up. He helps us prepare our hearts to receive the blessings God has to offer, but we still have to do our part or we will silence His voice in our lives until we finally decide to cooperate in dealing with the mess.

When we are hurting and waiting, we want instant comfort and strength without much effort. God gives it to us every day in various ways, but if our hearts aren’t prepared to receive it, we will miss it. We cannot afford to wait passively and “let ourselves go” spiritually. Nearness to our God is so important in times of waiting, and we have to do the work to make sure our hearts are always ready to hear from Him, to believe Him, and to accept whatever He deems good. If we refuse to take care of our hearts, we are really choosing to rely on our own drained strength. God has provided a better way. We just have to take it.

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting: Part 1 (Isaiah 40:1, 2)

2020-08-08T16:09:00.001-05:00

Of all the different types of tests I’ve endured, my least favorite was my hormone panel. When I first found out that I was going to have to get blood drawn every other day (and also a couple days in a row) for about a month, my stomach dropped to my toes. My small veins had already proven to be uncooperative several times through thyroid blood tests. Most of my previous phlebotomists had to stick me at least twice and do a lot of digging to get the job done. Some had to go get a co-worker with more experience. I dreaded the whole process ahead of me, but I found comfort by looking forward to the other side.

The first 39 chapters of the book of Isaiah are largely characterized by prophesies of judgment and condemnation. Israel and Judah received far worse news than a mere month of poking and prodding. They had turned their back on God. They had broken their covenant with God by their disobedience and idolatry, and they continually refused to turn back to Him (not for lack of opportunity). Isaiah prophesied of the warfare and captivity that were to come as a result if they did not choose to repent. Though the times were already trying, they were going to get much darker and far more difficult.

God is just and holy, true to His word, and firm in His discipline. He is also the “Father of mercies and God of all comfort” (2 Cor. 1:3). He warned His people of the fiery trials that were to come and almost in the same breath offered them undeserved comfort. The final 27 chapters of Isaiah, beginning with chapter 40, are filled with the promise, comfort, and hope of future deliverance and restoration. Judah still had over 100 years of difficulty and 70 years of Babylonian captivity ahead of her before she would see that deliverance and restoration (Martin, 1091), but God gave her what she needed to find strength and comfort in the midst of the suffering as she waited for Him to come through on His promises. As you probably already know from the prologue, I want to focus primarily on chapter 40 in this series.

In the first two verses of Isaiah 40, I see three reminders that help bring comfort and strength while waiting on God. First, these verses remind us of the compassionate heart of our God. Verse one doesn’t use the word “comfort” just once, but twice. This repetition emphasizes that God does not delight in the suffering and distress of His people. He desires to comfort them even in the times when their suffering is a direct result of their sin and disobedience (I want to clarify here that not all hardship is a direct result of sin – see John9:1-3 for one example. However, the fact that God wants to comfort His people even when they are sitting in a mess of their own making is a testament to the depths and the great expanse of His mercy and compassion). In verse two, God tells Isaiah to “speak kindly to Jerusalem.” God wanted Isaiah to speak to the hearts of His people with all the gentle tenderness of a mother toward her child. While we all will experience seasons of hardship, we can take comfort in knowing that God cares about our pain and that He will be gentle with us even on the days when we mess up. Even though He doesn’t always take the painful circumstance away when we think He should, He feels for us, and He will never abandon us. Jesus wept when Lazarus died even though He knew that He would bring him back to life; He weeps with us too.

The second reminder that I see in this passage is that suffering is only for a time. Verse two continues on: “And call out to her [Jerusalem], that her warfare has ended.” My hormone panel that stirred up so much fear and dread inside was two years ago now. I have no desire to repeat the experience, but it truly was “over before I knew it.” It rarely even crosses my mind anymore; when it does, I now see it as evidence that in Christ I have access to the strength and resolve I need to get through whatever God places in my path. I need this reminder for the days that my wait seems endless – when the days have stretched into months and years of aching and longing. It may not be 40 years of wandering in the wilderness or 70 years of Babylonian captivity, but I still sometimes lose sight of the fact that someday I will be on the other side (though I do not know exactly what the other side will look like). There will be healing, and there will be an end to this season. I had to drive to another town this morning to run some errands, and another country song came on the radio that fit perfectly with this point. The chorus of Gary Allan’s “Every Storm” says:

“Every storm runs, runs out of rain

Just like every dark night turns into day

Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain.”

Verse two closes out with our third reminder: our sin debt has been paid. No matter how devastating our circumstances are, we can rest in the fact that our biggest and most dangerous problem has been solved if we have trusted in Jesus for salvation. This particular verse refers to the fact that Israel’s time of warfare and captivity would satisfy the terms of Israel’s covenant with God so that they could start fresh as a nation. Their discipline would be complete. We have even more reason to find comfort since we are on the other side of the cross. When we trust in Jesus and His death and resurrection, all of our sins (past, present, and future) are put onto His account, and He transfers His righteousness to our account. It’s a done deal. God already came through for us in the matter of our greatest need. He already demonstrated his perfect, unconditional love by sending His Son to die for us even while we still stood opposed to Him. He already showed us His goodness, His power, His wisdom, and His grace, and He is worthy of our trust and complete devotion. How comforting it is to know that the Son of God who conquered death itself and saved me from eternal separation from God is the same One who holds my days in His hands.

God is for you. He sees you. He cares deeply about your heartaches, your anxieties, and your fears, and He offers you what no one else can. He offers Himself:

the compassionate Father who longs to wrap you up in the security and peace of His strong arms.
the all-knowing and wise God who sees the end from the beginning as clearly as if it has already happened.
the suffering Savior who knows our weaknesses and our pain and who gave His own life to save ours.

He longs to give you His comfort and His strength in overwhelming abundance, and we’ve just barely scratched the surface.

Martin, John A. "Isaiah," The Bible Knowledge Commentary (Old Testament), ed., John F. Walvoord and Roy B. Zuck. Colorado Springs, CO: Cook Communications Ministries, 2004.

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Comfort & Strength in the Waiting: Prologue

2020-08-01T20:03:00.000-05:00

Two words have repeatedly cropped up in my mind over the past several months. They started as brief whispers – faint apparitions of warning that faded into the background nearly as quickly as they had appeared. With each passing week, they’ve grown louder, more insistent, more firm, and more tenacious. Each morning temperature read, each appointment scheduled, each ovulation and pregnancy test taken, each pill swallowed, each castor oil pack applied, each hovering decision remaining unmade, each inflammatory food rejected, each medication injected, and each treatment attempted has accumulated into a massive boulder sitting on my chest with the two words etched into its side. The weight of it has grown so heavy – it’s growth so gradual that it went largely unnoticed (at least by me) until recently – that it has been suffocating me.

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Striving. Weary.

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I can’t count the number of times Tenth Avenue North’s songs “By Your Side” and “Worn” have started playing in my head lately:

* * *

“Why are you striving these days?

Why are you trying to earn grace?

Why are you crying?

Let me life up your face; just don’t turn away”

* * *

“I’m tired, I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing”

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Mentally and emotionally, I have been caught in the cycle of going two steps forward and three steps back. Another song lyric caught my attention during one of my work commutes the other day. Confession time: I like listening to country music when I drive. Most other genres either add to my tension and anxiety (driving stresses me out) or lull me into a dazed sleepiness (also not good while driving). Anyway, the lyric was this: “In a race you can’t win, just slow it down.” While Thomas Rhett’s “Be a Light” has nothing to do with infertility, this lyric stuck with me for a couple reasons. First, “slow it down” appeals to the part of me that is weary down to my bones of trying to keep track and keep up with all that I’ve been trying to do in the infertility arena in addition to juggling all of life’s regular demands, additional struggles, and worldwide stressors. Second, some days it sure feels like infertility is a race that I can’t win.

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However, I’ve been examining how I view the end of this race; is it one that I’ve really won once I finally have a baby of my own in my arms? Or does it go deeper than that? And is pushing so hard to get there faster wasting away the life and joy inside of me so much that there won’t be anything left by the time I’ve “arrived?” A few hours before writing this, I listened to a podcast episode of Joy + Infertility with Cathie Quillet, M.A., LMFT (I highly recommend it for anyone who has experienced infertility or pregnancy loss as part of their story). Among many other things, Cathie explained how brain scans have shown that “the crisis of an infertility diagnosis has the same weight as a cancer diagnosis.” Infertility is a trauma. As such, it has to be dealt with head-on now (not avoided), or it will inevitably lead to problems down the road, regardless of whether or not parenthood is achieved. One example she gave was that research has shown that women who have gone through infertility are at higher risk for postpartum depression and anxiety. Infertility can also break a marriage. The trauma of infertility cannot be fixed by a pregnancy or a baby. She expanded on this idea with a challenge that really struck a chord with me: “If you’re still not pregnant in six months, how can we [still] live really well? Because that is a lot of pressure to put on a pregnancy to make you happy if you’ve been living with a brain that looks like PTSD for how long. That is an unreliable source of joy and happiness for you.”

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I went in for a fertility (abdominal) massage this week with the masseuse that was recommended by a friend. I have been to her a few times before, and she is phenomenal both in her work and in her demeanor and encouragement. She prays over me and with me and is one of the most compassionate people I know. I explained to her that I’ve had pain return and gradually worsen over the past several months and that my doctor has recommended another surgery because she suspects that my endometriosis is back. She let me know that fertility massage is contraindicated in cases of endometriosis, so instead I just got a regular massage. Afterward, we visited about how I’m doing emotionally, and she said she really feels like we need to take a break – that Jon and I need to get away together and rediscover the joy of life again. Ironically, we were planning on taking a long overdue vacation this fall, but it will need to be postponed because of surgery.

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A friend from my freshman year of Bible college unexpectedly reached out to me saying that God had been impressing me on her heart that day, and she asked how I was doing. She reached out on the very day when both my period started and my parents had to put down the miniature schnauzer that we got when I was sixteen. My luteal phase had been longer than normal, and I had been experiencing several pregnancy symptoms. I knew they were most likely happening because my doctor had switched me to HCG shots (HCG is the hormone that causes pregnancy symptoms and that causes an at-home pregnancy test to turn positive), but I had still gotten my hopes up more than normal. Baxter was effectively my emotional support dog through all my tumultuous dating years and my entrance into adulthood. He continued to be a comfort to me whenever I visited my parents through all the early marriage struggles, the multiple occurrences of uprooting and moving in the midst of unpleasant circumstances, and the five and half years so far of trying to conceive. I felt so beat up that day, and my friend’s message was a tangible reminder that even after all this time, God still hasn’t forgotten me.

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You see, though all these voices (and more) from unexpected sources have spoken to my heart in different and meaningful ways to reflect my own heart back to me and to help me see how this striving and weariness are taking their toll, I know there is ultimately one Voice behind it all. With the words “striving” and “weary” appearing in my mind on a nearly constant loop, I finally grabbed my phone, opened up the Bible app, and typed “weary” into the search bar. Of course, the first verse that popped up was Matthew 11:28: “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” While I love that verse, I knew I needed to keep looking. After reading a few more verses on the list, Isaiah 40:29-30 drew me in: “He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly….” I had to open the whole chapter to read more. Then, I had to go back and start from the beginning of the chapter. Before I knew it, I was reaching for commentaries, opening up the exegetical and passage guides in my Logos Bible Software program, and grabbing a notepad to jot down an outline of the main ideas from the chapter. I am still wrestling through the passage and deciding if and how to break up the content, but keep an eye out for future posts if you want to journey with me as I dig deeper into how to find comfort and strength as I wait on the Lord.

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28 Things I Wish I Knew Earlier in My Infertility Journey

2020-07-24T07:06:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, and none of what follows should be construed as medical advice. I am simply sharing what I have learned in the hopes that it may make you more aware of the information that is out there and that can benefit you on your journey. Any medical decisions should be discussed with your doctor.

1. Not all doctors are the same.

This may seem like a “duh” statement, but it’s not something I really thought about much during our first couple of years of trying to conceive.

In traditional allopathic medicine, many women start with an OB/GYN and then eventually move on to a fertility specialist who can perform ARTs (assisted reproductive technologies). The goal in this model is usually to take the quickest route to a healthy baby, which often equates to medicated cycles, IUI (intrauterine insemination – also known as the turkey baster method), IVF (the petri dish method), and possibly even things like ICSI, sperm donation, egg donation, and surrogacy. They are not necessarily as concerned with discovering and healing the underlying causes of infertility as they are with achieving the desired outcome of a successful pregnancy.

On the other hand, there are many types of doctors who take the approach of healing the underlying causes through either medication and surgery or through lifestyle changes and more holistic treatments. Some examples of these include OB/GYNs who specialize in NaProTechnology (natural procreative technology), functional medicine doctors, Chinese medicine practitioners, and chiropractors who also practice acupuncture and nutrition, and the list goes on. Some doctors practice a combination of those things I just mentioned.

Even within a specific field or medical model, individual doctors have different levels and types of training, different specializations, different experiences, different goals, and different approaches. Not one way is necessarily right or wrong, but knowing the differences may help you find a quicker path to the doctor that most aligns with you and your husband’s goals, beliefs, and desires.

2. You are not married to your doctor.

Having covered number 1, it’s important to realize that you are free to switch doctors at any point in the process. If you don’t feel like you are being heard or if you see that your goals are not lining up with those of your healthcare provider, you don’t have to feel bad about seeking out a new one.

3. The lifestyle choices you make now will affect your fertility months down the road.

Lifestyle changes are so important regardless of which medical approach you take for fertility treatments! When your body is not healthy, reproductive function is often the first thing to shut down because it is not necessary for immediate survival. Our overall health has huge implications for our fertility. One thing I recently learned that shocked me a little was that the egg that is released this month started developing toward ovulation about three months ago. That means that your nutrition, sleep, stress, and exercise habits from at least three months ago are affecting your current ovulation, and those same habits today are affecting the egg that will be released three months from now. Also, anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows that lifestyle changes don’t change the body overnight. Lifestyle changes are crucial, but time and consistency are required in order to see noticeable and lasting physical changes.

4. Food is important.

The types of food you eat are important, and the amount of food you eat is important. Your body needs nutritious whole food in order to support both you and a baby. Filling your body with foods to which you may have an unknown (or known) sensitivity or filling it with processed and sugary foods causes inflammation that diverts all your body’s energy away from making a baby and toward healing the inflammation. Here is one good article with a few tips as far as eating habits. My acupuncturist also recently told me that women who under-eat or frequently skip meals are much more likely to struggle with infertility. Our bodies recognize that we won’t be able to provide the nutrition our baby needs when we aren’t even getting sufficient nutrition for our own bodies.

5. Exercise is important.

Intentional exercise supports blood flow, blood sugar utilization, healthy weight, muscle building, inflammation reduction, and so much more. Cardio and strength training are both beneficial for overall health and fertility. However, it is important to be careful with this. Exercise that is excessive or too intense can cause extra stress on the body, raise cortisol levels, and mess with your hormones. At a certain point, your body doesn’t know whether you are running for pleasure or running from a threat, and pregnancy is a no go if your body is in fight or flight. Making sure you are eating enough to provide the energy for the amount of exercise you are doing is also crucial. Anything less can be considered under-eating and can affect you in the ways we discussed in point number 4.

6. Sleep is important.

Poor quality or quantity of sleep compromises your immune system and makes you more prone to getting sick, which is not productive for fertility. Lack of sleep also aggravates stress levels, which can then in turn affect sleep, and we can get into a vicious cycle of sleeplessness and stress. Again, this type of cycle doesn’t signal to the body that now is a safe time to have a baby. Our bodies also work on healing while we sleep, so depriving yourself of sleep could mean depriving your body of the healing it needs to be healthy enough to support a pregnancy. If all that isn’t enough to convince you, sleep deprivation also contributes to decreased libido – which unquestionably puts a damper on the trying to conceive process.

7. Stress is bad.

Stress comes in multiple forms, such as physical stress from over-exercising, sleep deprivation, or mental and emotional stress from everyday internal and external factors. Stress is characterized by an increase in cortisol, which affects your reproductive hormones. Stress can cause things like delayed ovulation, compromised immunity, decreased libido, inflammation, and other side effects that are problematic for fertility. We can’t get rid of all the stress in our lives, but we have to learn to manage it well in order to achieve optimal health and fertility.

8. Community is crucial.

Living with infertility can feel extremely lonely – but it doesn’t have to be that way. Our journey was so much harder in the first year before we shared with anyone that we were having a hard time building our family. The well-meaning, hurtful comments were much more plentiful during that time. Once we decided to open up about it, the comments all but stopped, and we found ourselves being loved and supported in very tangible ways – from hearing the stories of those who have walked the same road to having friends bring us meals through surgeries and pray for us and cry with us through each difficult decision and everything in between. Being open has also created ministry opportunities for connections and conversations with people that would never have happened otherwise. Not everyone is comfortable sharing this part of their lives with the whole world, and that is absolutely understandable. However, I think everyone struggling with this should open up to at least one other trusted person or couple. God created us to walk through life together, and we place ourselves in real danger when we try to face something like infertility alone. I highly recommend being open with friends or family you can see in person, but if you’d like to start with joining a Facebook group where you can find community outside of your immediate circle, encouragement, and answers to questions, check out Moms in the Making!

9. Pain and PMS aren’t normal.

For the longest time, I thought severe cramps and half a month of things like backaches, sore breasts, wild mood swings, and fatigue were just part of being a woman. Everything from sex education in the school to movies and commercials seemed to communicate that these types of symptoms were just to be expected. There were pills you could take to help manage it if you were one of those weak, dramatic women who just couldn’t deal, but it didn’t mean that anything was really wrong inside your body. Now I know that period pain can be a sign of something like endometriosis and that while one or two days of PMS might be normal, one or two weeks of it indicates that your hormones are probably off. If you suspect something might be wrong, don’t be embarrassed or think that you are just being overly dramatic or sensitive. It’s not all in your head.

10. Not all women who have PCOS are overweight.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the primary contributors to infertility in women. It is diagnosed when at least two of the following three criteria are present: elevated male hormones (which can cause acne, excessive facial or body hair, etc.), many cysts on the ovaries or enlarged ovaries, and irregular or absent periods. One common symptom of PCOS is weight gain and difficulty with losing weight; therefore, this condition is often associated with women who are overweight. A quick Google search reveals this information pretty quickly, but the part that I didn’t know for a long time is that there are different types of PCOS, and one of those types is found in lean women. I have been around 110 lbs since middle school, and I was still diagnosed with PCOS. I also have hypothyroidism (another condition that is often associated with weight gain). Don’t assume if you are at a healthy weight that it’s impossible for you to have these types of conditions.

11. Mindset matters.

I’ve put up several posts on my personal Facebook and Instagram lately about how I’m learning how closely the mind, body, spirit, and emotion are connected. What we think and feel does affect our bodies. A few techniques I’ve been learning to work on my own mindset include deep breathing, practicing awareness of how stress is affecting my body, celebrating successes, and pursuing faith and gratitude. Deep breathing is pretty simple. When I feel my stress levels rise, I consciously breathe in through my nose for about 4 counts, hold it for another 4 counts, and then let it out slowly for 4 counts. There are several more ways you can do this (find what works for you), but deep breathing helps bring your body back down from a stressed state. When I am stressed, I’ve also started paying attention to where my body feels like it’s reacting. For me, a lot of times it shows up in clenched teeth, shoulder tension, and tightness in my stomach. Once I notice that it is happening, I can intentionally relax those muscles. Celebrating successes in the area of infertility means celebrating the progress you’ve made on lifestyle changes, the improvement in hormone levels, the return of ovulation, etc. It means refusing to see each month as a failure simply because the end goal of becoming pregnant has not been achieved yet. Finally, pursuing faith and gratitude reminds me that no matter what the end of my journey looks like, I am still loved and valued by God and that I have been incredibly blessed. It keeps me from sliding down into dark despair, or lifts me back up when I have fallen there again.

12. You don’t have to take every single piece of advice that comes along.

There will be a lot of it. It can come from anywhere, and most of the time the source has good intentions. Choose to see it as a sign that they care and just want to help you, even if the advice itself is unhelpful, something you’ve already tried before, or just a plain terrible idea for your particular situation. Be grateful for their heart, but research any advice before diving into it, and don’t feel like you have to try everything that everyone suggests. There isn’t enough money or time in the world – which brings us to number 13.

13. There is no magic pill.

There are hundreds of pills that people will recommend. Supplements and herbal remedies can be helpful, but they can also be a waste of money or even detrimental to your health and your goal to become pregnant. The fact that they do not require a prescription doesn’t mean that you can try whatever you want without the guidance of a healthcare professional and expect that they won’t have a huge effect on your fertility, possibly in a negative way. Don’t just trust your own research. There is a reason that healthcare professionals spend years in school. Don’t think that you can gain the same knowledge from a few Google searches. Some supplements are fine and useful short-term, but can have bad effects if taken long-term - but this doesn’t always show up in the research. Also, it is highly unlikely that any one supplement or herbal remedy is the key to finally getting that baby in your arms anyway. They are simply tools that can work alongside lifestyle changes and medical treatments to create a healthier, more fertile you.

14. Each woman’s body has its own unique needs.

Speaking of supplements, herbal remedies, and advice – don’t assume that just because something worked for your friend, your co-worker, your favorite online blogger, or even your sister that the same thing will work for you. Our bodies are so very unique, and we all have our own set of health, history, and lifestyle factors coming into the equation. Infertility does not have a one-size-fits-all solution or even really a one-size-fits-most solution. Each woman needs her own individualized plan for testing and treatment. Again, depending on what all is going on, something that may have been beneficial for your friend might actually aggravate things that are going on in your body. Do your own research, but also talk to your doctor.

15. Podcasts are one helpful source of information that won’t turn you into a screen zombie.

If you’ve been on this journey for any time at all, you know how easy it is to get sucked into the vortex that is Google. I researched everything in the beginning – causes of infertility, treatments for infertility, earliest symptoms of pregnancy, symptoms of underlying infertility-causing disease, chances of having a false negative pregnancy test, baby names, herbal remedies, and so on. My eyes and my head would ache, but I wanted to know more. In the past year or so, podcasts have become one of my new favorite sources of information. Books are good too, but those cost money (or an awkward trip to the library), and finding current infertility literature that doesn’t feel like reading a textbook or swing to the other side and have very little scientific information can be a challenge. Podcasts are audio recordings that you can listen to as you do the dishes, drive to work, fold laundry, or get ready for the day. They require minimal screen time, and they are free! Here are some of my favorites (there are many more out there!):

16. There will be needles. Lots of them.

I thought I could get away with minimal needles when I started – even though I read online that I basically had no choice but to get over my aversion to them. I thought I’d be one of the exceptions. Don’t we always think that? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had my blood drawn. One month I had to get it drawn about every other day for the entire month. Then, after we discovered my PCOS, I had to do a fun little test for checking my insulin resistance that involved getting it drawn four times in one day. I had IVs with my surgeries (along with more blood tests) – these were by far my least favorite needle experience so far. I’ve done acupuncture with little thin needles all over the place, at-home intramuscular progesterone injections (which require a needle the size of Texas injected in a “dart-like” fashion into your rear end), and recently switched to at-home HCG injections (a much smaller needle to the thigh, arm, or stomach – I chose the arm). All this and I haven’t even done IUI or IVF at this point – both of which typically require lots of needles. There will be needles – but you will get fairly used to them.

17. When you go in for testing, be prepared to be asked (possibly multiple times) if you are currently or have ever been pregnant.

They have to ask. Knowing that they have to ask doesn’t necessarily take away the sting each time you have to say, “No, I am not pregnant,” “Yes, I am sure,” “No, I have never been pregnant before.” The time that cut me the worst was when I went in for my HSG (the test they use to see if your tubes are blocked). I expected the question when I went to my initial visit with my OB/GYN, but then I thought it would be recorded in my paperwork, and they wouldn’t have to keep asking. My HSG was performed by a different doctor I had never even met before – that fact alone threw me off a bit. Then the questions were asked by her young assistants as I sat exposed in my breezy hospital gown with all the fear and anticipation of both the test itself and of what the results might be shaking up every nerve in my body. I just wanted to scream, “OF COURSE I’M NOT PREGNANT – THAT’S WHY I NEED THIS STUPID TEST!” and “NO, I’VE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT – THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME SPEAK THAT DEVASTATING TRUTH OUT LOUD.” Of course, I didn’t. I just responded flatly with a blank face and felt like I was dying a little inside. Just know that that those questions can and will come and not always at expected times. Along the same lines, if you have to have a surgery, they will likely want to test you for pregnancy beforehand. It can feel like a cruel joke when you haven’t been able to conceive for years, but it has to be done.

18. Testing too early only creates more stress.

I couldn’t resist in the earliest months. Online, I read stories from women who got positive results just 8-10 days after ovulation. I usually didn’t test quite that early, but I did often test before my period was really due. Part of me irrationally hoped that I could sneak a positive in and somehow that would stop my period from coming. Testing early always came up negative for me, and as a result, I would start mourning prematurely while also trying to convince myself that false negatives happen all the time. I’d obsessively look even more for any tiny symptom that might indicate the test was wrong. I stressed out so much worse and grieved multiple times – with each negative test and then again when my period started. It isn’t worth it. I know you’ll still test early anyway – at least for a while – but I had to say it.

19. You can have all the signs of ovulation without actually releasing an egg.

You can have regular periods, the correct cervical mucus pattern, a BBT chart with a distinct shift, and positive ovulation tests and still not release an egg. I don’t think it’s very common, but it is possible – it happened to me at least once. Instead of releasing an egg, the follicle forms a cyst (sometimes a fairly sizeable one) called a luteinized unruptured follicle. Your hormones still do their thing, so your body still looks like it ovulated, but the only way you can know for sure that you’ve ovulated is through an ultrasound. If I understood this sooner, I may have made some different decisions along the way.

20. You will have uncomfortably specific conversations about awkward things – like cervical mucus.

Like needles, you will need to get over any embarrassment about talking about awkwardly private things – at least with your doctor. Your doctor isn’t embarrassed and likely talks about these types of things every day. It’s their job, especially if they specialize in fertility. Depending on how public you have been with your struggle, various people (family, friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, etc.) will also ask you questions. Sometimes they are completely unaware of how awkward the answer may be for either you or for them or both. You don’t have to answer all the questions if you don’t want to – you still have a right to privacy. Being open doesn’t suddenly mean that every person has a right to hear every single detail of your story. For those that you do want to answer, you’ll learn how to gauge your answers so as not to completely shock your listener while also giving them just enough information to answer their questions. Or at least you will try and hopefully get better at it over time.

21. Speaking of conversations about awkward things – lubricant matters.

Many lubricants either kill sperm or make their swim significantly more difficult. There are already enough obstacles stacked against the little guys – you don’t want them to be essentially trudging through mud. If you need it, swap whatever you’ve got out for Pre-Seed or something similar. It is specifically formulated for couples who are trying to conceive. For some people, this one change was enough to result in pregnancy; however, remember there is no single cure-all for infertility. Some people don’t have any other issues at play, and this was their only obstacle. For many others, this is just one of many obstacles. Regardless of which camp you end up being in, it will be beneficial to switch; just don’t expect it to be a miracle cure.

22. It’s possible to celebrate life while also allowing yourself room to grieve.

Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, gender reveals, and birth announcements will continue to pop up throughout your journey. Life doesn’t stop for everyone else even though it can feel like you are frozen in time. For me, the hardest part is the first time I find out that another baby is on the way, particularly when it is a firstborn. Depending on the day, I find that my initial reaction is usually a strong emotional upheaval – not against the new life, but bubbling up from my own sad, unfulfilled longing. This reaction is normal, and we can’t deny it or feel guilty about it. However, we also have to learn to move through our own grief to the other side and refuse to feed any thoughts or feelings of jealousy and ill will. For me, these don’t always come up, but they can, depending on the circumstance. In the context of temptation and sin, one of my Bible teachers said, “You can’t help it if a bird flies over your head, but you don’t have to let it build a nest there.” It’s not wrong to feel sad for yourself, but it is wrong to dwell in bitterness or to become angry because in your pride you feel like you deserve what the other person has more than she does. It’s easy to fall from grief to sin, but one preventive measure you can take is to celebrate the new life once your initial response has calmed down. You, more than many, know and understand the miracle that is required each time a baby is conceived. Choose to celebrate that miracle regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. Praise God, and ask Him to do it again. And take a break from social media if you need to.

On a side note, my younger brother (my only sibling) and his wife chose to write a letter to me when they found out they were pregnant for the first time. That letter was such a gift both because of the written record it is of their sweet care and thoughtfulness and because it allowed me the time to process that initial wave of grief on my own without feeling like all eyes were on me or like my sadness was detracting from the joy of their main announcement. It was such a selfless and grace-filled act on their part and one that they were in no way obligated or expected to do. One of my friends asked me what the best way is for me to find out about a new pregnancy, and I told her about what my brother and sister-in-law did. Later on, she too used a letter to inform me of her own pregnancy. While I don’t think it’s reasonable (or even necessarily desirable) to expect this type of special time and care with every pregnancy announcement, in these cases it was a sweet gift for me. If someone close to you asks you the same question (someone you’d rather not just find out about on social media), I’d recommend the letter method – but keep in mind that it would indeed be a gift and recognize that they are free to celebrate and announce their news however they would like.

23. Your husband can’t read your mind.

This point could just be for marriage in general, but for infertility in particular, communication is so important. Just because your husband is walking through infertility with you doesn’t mean that he experiences it the same way you do or that he automatically knows exactly how you are feeling or how to help. Let him in to your grief. Let him take care of you in the ways he knows how, and tell him specifically how he can support you. Talk to him about medical decisions, and wrestle through those together. Ask him what he thinks and feels (you can’t read his mind either, no matter how well you think you can) and how you can support him. The weight of this journey is lessened when you make sure you are on the same page as a couple, when you hope and grieve together, and when you work together toward making difficult decisions.

24. Mother’s Day may catch you off guard.

We were only a few months into trying to conceive the first time that Mother’s Day changed for me. I didn’t even think about the fact that it was Mother’s Day when I woke up that morning. I had seen the church tradition many times before: mothers were asked to stand up so that children could bring each of them a flower as the pastor spoke about the high calling of motherhood. This time was different. This was the first year that I wanted so badly to stand, but instead I was sinking into my chair and hoping I might disappear. I hoped and prayed the longing and ache of my heart wasn’t written across my face as I avoided all eye contact and wished for the whole thing to be over. I’ve been more prepared in the years since then. I still would rather fade to into the background; motherhood should be celebrated, and I don’t ever want to take away from that.

25. While motherhood is a high calling, that doesn’t mean that your calling for your current season isn’t just as valuable.

I’ve really only ever wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I do believe it is a high calling, and it is a calling I greatly desire. It is a calling for which I feel I was made. Even so, it is not my calling for right now. That doesn’t make me any less of a woman, any less blessed by God, or any less valuable. God just has a different job for me right now. Part of that job is being a part-time nanny for two sweet little girls. Part of it is giving myself more fully to ministry than I could otherwise. Every season of life is valuable, and as long as I’m following my Savior, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. If you are following the Savior, you are right where you are supposed to be too. Motherhood is a great gift, a great service, and a great honor, but it is not the only great gift, service, or honor. Don’t think that you can’t be whole until you become a mother – you can’t be whole with children if you aren’t whole without them. Seek Jesus first and His calling for you today. Don’t give up hope, but don’t let your satisfaction and healing rest on your future children. They can’t live up to that, and you will miss out on so much in the meantime.

26. Toxins are real, they are everywhere, and they do affect your body and fertility.

This is still a fairly new subject for me. I recently learned that a huge percentage of whatever I put on my body is absorbed through my skin and into my bloodstream in less than thirty seconds. I also learned that a product’s availability on a store shelf is not an indicator of the product’s safety. Many current products have ingredients that are known to cause or contribute to all sorts of problems, including infertility. Some of those products look to be “clean” but actually have sneaky ingredients hiding under terms like “fragrance.” This podcast from The FU Project was eye-opening for me. I’m working on switching out skin and hair care products, hand soaps, and more. If you know you have high levels of oxidative stress or inflammation, think seriously about the products you use.

27. Even perfectly healthy couples have only a 15-25% chance of conceiving in any given month.

Even with the perfect lifestyle and no underlying disease, conception is still a miracle. It can still take several months to conceive naturally even once everything is as healed, balanced, and optimal as possible. You cannot try something for one month and assume it doesn’t work or that it isn’t helping just because you didn’t get pregnant that month. Pregnancy can take time even in the best of circumstances.

28. This journey WILL affect your relationship with God, your marriage, and your relationships with others. HOW it affects those relationships is largely up to how you choose to respond.

You can become bitter, angry, and isolated while blaming anyone and everyone for your plight. Or, you can grow into a stronger faith, a deeper love, and a richer community than you ever could have otherwise. Choose to be grateful and see all that you have been given instead of allowing what you don’t have to consume you. Pull your spouse closer instead of pushing him or her away. Pray for, protect, and pursue your marriage. Cry with God, and allow Him to comfort you. Believe that you are loved. Allow people to help and encourage you. Accept that your life is not your own, and don’t cling quite so tightly to the specific dreams and expectations you had for yourself. Come to God with an open hand, and a submissive heart, and see that He will fill your cup to overflowing. It may not be in your time or in your way, but He is and always will be enough.

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George Floyd: The Root of Racism and Responding to Hatred

2020-06-01T06:29:00.000-05:00

This past week presented itself with a dichotomy of events for me. On the one hand, I celebrated life and birth – that of my new niece who made me an aunt for the ninth time and also that which happened five years ago to usher one of my charges as a nanny into the world (though we have no biological connection, she may as well be considered another niece). On the other hand, I was sickened as I saw the footage of a precious life being senselessly, mercilessly, and unjustly snuffed out by a man whose very job was to serve and protect. The murder of George Floyd has shaken our country and put on display for all to see the deep-seated racism and ungodly hatred that has reared its ugly head ever since the first murder of Abel by Cain. This evil is not new, but that does not make it any less abominable.

The Root

Racism is an insidious wickedness that is grown from more culturally palatable sins to which we are all much more apt to admit guilt: selfishness and pride. God very clearly instructs us not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to (Romans 12:3) and in Christ-like humility to consider others as more important than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-5). These instructions are to guide our attitude and heart toward all people regardless of how they may be different from us, but this way of thinking and acting is not innate. We need the instruction because our natural tendency is to care only for self and to live as if our importance and needs exceed that of all others. Observe any toddler (or any adult who never learned the lesson that the world does not revolve around him or her), and you will know this to be true.

The crucial teaching that one individual is no better or more valuable than anyone else must be ingrained from an early age. All human beings are made from the same dust, bear the same image of God, and will one day answer to the same God for their actions. We were all made by the Creator in His likeness; therefore, our lives all have value regardless of what we have done, what has been done to us, or what our background is. On judgment day, we will all stand before God as sinners equally deserving of Hell (though we are equally valuable, we are also equally guilty of sin). The man or woman who looked down with haughty condescension on someone else will stand next to the murderer and the rapist, and we will all fall short of God’s standard of perfection. Only those of us who have trusted in Christ’s death and resurrection for salvation will know that even though we have given Satan more than enough legitimate ammunition to accuse us and secure our condemnation in Hell, we will be allowed to dwell in God’s presence forever because we accepted that Jesus already paid the steep price of sin for us. Jesus is the only difference between the person who will spend eternity in Hell and the person who will not, and He is the only one who is worthy to be considered better than anyone else for any reason.

However, our culture preaches the exact opposite of this message. It screams that our value is based on what we do, how we perform, what we look like, how much money we have, or how much power and influence we have. It encourages us to chase our own dreams no matter the cost to anyone else, to live for the approval of the elite instead of fearing God, and to accumulate as many experiences and as many possessions as we can for ourselves instead of sacrificing for the hard work of real, deep, and lasting relationships. It elevates self-esteem, personal goals and desires, and achievement over the Word and will of God. God’s very existence is denied, which in itself leads to injustice (Psalm 53:1). Embryos are disposable, but animals and recyclables are not. Each person determines his or her own truth and what is best for him or her. Everyone does what is right in his or her own eyes. All morality is relative until it is not. “Mistakes” and immorality are entertaining and comical until they are not. We are groomed by the culture to live in constant comparison and judgment and to be the best or be nothing. How is it any wonder that racism thrives in such an environment?

In saying all this, it is absolutely critical to remember what is going on beneath the surface. Our war is not against flesh and blood. It is not against all authority figures because of the inexcusable actions of some. It is not against government officials who turn a blind eye, against the rioters in the streets, or against any other human being. This war began in the Garden of Eden when two people chose to listen to their own wisdom and will over that of their Creator. Sin and selfishness entered this world because of disobedience, and disobedience breeds more sin and selfishness. Satan and his legions are deceptive, divisive, and cunning. They know where we are weak and where we can be manipulated. They take advantage of our blind spots toward the wickedness and prejudice in our own hearts, and they exploit every opportunity to turn us against each other and against our Creator. When we disobey God and walk in our own wisdom and will, carrying out our own vengeance and sense of justice, we are playing into their hands and fighting on the side of the very thing we despise.

Our Response

So, what do we do with all this? How do we respond so that we are not just contributing to the problem?

1. Grieve Injustice and Abhor Evil

This isn’t the way things are supposed to be, and it’s okay to not be okay with it all (check out my previous post for more on this). It’s okay to be angry at sin, so long as we do not allow that anger to drive us into sin. It’s okay to be disturbed by the heinous deaths of George Floyd and of many before him. It’s also okay to be appalled at the fact that those in authority can be so corrupt and abusive. God is grieving alongside us, and He is pointing us to a better way and promising us that in the end, His perfect justice will be executed.

2. Stop Biting and Devouring

In our righteous outrage, we cannot turn on each other or to our own devices. Violence and destruction only serve to fuel more hatred and division. Wickedness reaps injustice, and trusting our own deceptive hearts and instincts leads to further upheaval (Hosea 10:13). “Yes, destruction and violence are before me; strife exists and contention arises. Therefore the law is ignored and justice is never upheld. For the wicked surround the righteous; therefore justice comes out perverted” (Habakkuk 1:3b, 4). Bringing about lasting change in ungodly behavior cannot be accomplished through force – the heart must be changed.

3. Examine Your Own Heart

Regardless of what happens to Derek Chauvin through our justice system, he will one day have to stand before God and give an account for his actions. Justice will be served. Even so, the present consequences of his actions are reaching much further than just himself. Innocent people are dying and losing homes and businesses to looting and riots. Sin rarely ever affects only the sinner. It affects everyone around us. This is why it is so important for us to regularly examine our own hearts and to ask God to reveal anything in our hearts to which we are blind. We desperately need to keep short accounts with Him (recognize our sin and agree with what He says about it right away) and to abide in Him (dwell in His presence and live each moment under His direction). No one is immune to the attitudes that develop into the atrocities of racism. As one of my friends recently pointed out on a Facebook post, “Racism occurs here locally every day. It may not take the form of lynchings or murder in the streets or yelling at people of color, but it is engrained. You can hear it in the way you talk about non-white people. You can hear it in the silence by the local church….” We have to evaluate and guard our hearts against pride, lies, prejudice, and selfishness and cling to the truth on a regular basis.

4. Love and Honor People

We absolutely have to stop de-humanizing, demeaning, and hating people. Instead, we must learn to love and honor all people (Romans 12:10). “The one who loves his brother abides in the Light and there is no cause for stumbling in him. But the one who hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going because the darkness has blinded his eyes” (1 John 2:10, 11). God is love, and if we need an example to follow to learn how to love well, we need only to look at Jesus.

Most of us don’t struggle with understanding love as much as we do honor. In fact, we often fail to honor those we love most, much less those we don’t like, don’t agree with, or don’t connect with. In a culture that applauds irreverence and defiance, honor is a foreign concept to most of us. To put it in childlike terms, we are called to treat other people as special and important. We are to treat them with respect and dignity (even those whose actions don’t necessarily warrant such treatment) because of Whose image they bear and because of Whose blood was shed for them. A quote from C.S. Lewis delves a little further into this idea of honor: “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously – no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption” (The Weight of Glory).

5. Humbly Accept & Extend God’s Grace & Mercy

As we learn to see ourselves rightly (as sinners who are all valuable, but not better than anyone else), we will see our need for God’s grace and mercy in our feeble attempts to learn to love and honor all people well. We will have to war against sin from within and without until the day we die (or until Jesus returns for His Church). All of us fall from time to time (sometimes daily or hourly), and we need His grace and mercy to get back up again. We need to remain humble in our recognition of that need and be willing to extend that same grace and mercy to others when they fall short.

6. Trust and Obey God

God is the only one who is perfect in love, in truth, in goodness, and in justice. He is worthy of our complete trust and devotion, and we must trust and obey Him as He leads us if we want to help reflect His light to the world instead of contributing to the darkness. Following our own hearts and our own ways will only lead to more death and destruction in the end. Use your voice and the platforms God has given you to help affect change as He leads.

7. Pray

Raise your voice to the only one who can transform hearts. Plead for our nation as a whole to turn toward Him and to view and treat all people as He views and treats them. Ask Him to teach you how to recognize and celebrate the beautiful diversity and unity of His creation. Pray with fervency and urgency for change – for His kingdom to come. Ask Him to hold authorities accountable for their abuse of power. Beseech Him to draw near to the brokenhearted and to be a safe refuge to those who need protection. Ask Him to search your own heart and to reveal any wickedness within you.

Final Thoughts

Peace on earth will not be realized until Jesus comes back to establish His righteous reign. For now, sin and Satan have been given time to run their course – not because God is slow to bring about His promises, but because He is allowing time for more people to be saved (2 Peter3:9). During this present time, the glimpses of that future peace will only come through living the way God tells us to live – by loving God, and loving others as we do ourselves.

Additional Verses to Consider

Revelation 7:9, 10

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The In-Between: It's Okay to Not Always Be Okay

2020-05-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. Through the Covid-19 pandemic, I’ve seen others go through the same cycle I have gone through countless times during our infertility journey. It starts with a trigger from the circumstance that drags up an uncomfortable emotion – often sadness, doubt, fear, or anger in varying degrees. We don’t like to sit too long with any of these (whether they are coming from within or radiating from someone else), so we often try to fix them or eliminate them as quickly as possible. If that doesn’t work, then we bury them deep down under layers and masks of self-deluded okay-ness and try to deny that they are even there. Next, we feel guilty or ashamed (and those of us who follow Jesus also tend to think we must be really bad Christians) for feeling this way at all. Finally, we either give way to despair or muster up all the manufactured faith, love, joy, and peace we can to try and make everything all better. But we wake up the next morning, and it’s still not all better.

The freeing truth is that there is a reason why we feel so unsettled when things aren’t the way we know they should be. I first wrote about Lysa Terkeurst’s book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way and her teaching through the “two gardens” in my post titled “Giver of Good Gifts,” and it is a message that has stuck with me over the past several months. We are living in a sin-mangled space between the perfect Garden of Eden that is imprinted on our hearts and the hope of the new heaven and new earth that are to come. A heart that is soft toward God is still bothered when things aren’t as they should be because it is aware that there is something far better! Knowing this frees us up to let ourselves feel and name negative emotions and to find healing as we allow God to guide us through the various stages of grief over the devastating effects of sin. He doesn’t want us to brush past our feelings or cover up the state of our hearts with forced or feigned joy and peace. His Spirit will produce those things genuinely (and repeatedly as needed) as we walk with Him in transparent and surrendered dependence, even and especially when we don’t understand and don’t know how to deal with what’s going on in our circumstances.

One of the most debated questions in regard to our circumstances is why God allows bad things to happen in the first place, particularly to those who love Him and have believed in His Son. We get that sin has consequences, and we can accept that fact more easily when we see a direct correlation between our own sin and our own consequence. However, we really have a hard time stomaching horrible circumstances when we don’t have a specific personal sin (or the sin of another) to blame. There are many reasons why God allows suffering and sorrow into our lives (see “When Life Isn't Fair” for a more extensive list), but the one that God brought to my attention recently was through another book – Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell D. Moore.

In Chapter 2, Moore describes the adoption of his two boys from a Russian orphanage. One of the chilling scenes he depicts is that of a nursery full of silent babies who no longer cried because they knew no one would come to meet their needs. When he was finally able to take the boys home out of that terrible environment, the transition to a safe home proved to be unexpectedly difficult. As wretched as the orphanage was, it was all that the boys had known in their short little lives. Not comprehending the loving home that awaited them, they reached back in fear and confusion for the orphanage. Later, Moore draws from those experiences to explain some truths about our own spiritual adoption: “But we get too comfortable with this orphanage universe. We sit in our pews, or behind our pulpits, knowing that our children watch ‘Christian’ cartoons instead of slash films. We vote for the right candidates and know all the right ‘worldview’ talking points. And we’re content with the world we know, just adjusted a little for our identity as Christians. That’s precisely why so many of us are so atrophied in our prayers, why our prayers rarely reach the level of ‘groanings too deep for words’ (Rom. 8:26). We are too numbed to be as frustrated as the Spirit is with the way things are.”

While there is so much more I could share and discuss from that chapter, the main thing that impressed on my heart was that sometimes I need to suffer in order to remember where my true home is. Sometimes I need to hurt in order to stop clinging to the things of this world so tightly and to long for my glorious eternal home with my loving Father. I don’t want to live a comfortable and pain-free life that makes me content with this pit of sin and numb to its atrocities. That is not to say that I should seek out pain and suffering, but that I can learn to endure it and even give thanks as it comes because it reminds me that this is not my forever home. I have a good Father who is going to finalize my adoption and take me home one day.

Until then, I need to allow the discord between what I know and what I see to drive me into His loving and understanding arms. He reminds me that there is coming a day when there will be no conflict between the two. He releases me to let the tears fall with the reassurance that He cries with me – even though we both know how the story ends. I need His Spirit to continually strengthen me and to teach me how to trust Him and navigate through this time between the two gardens. It may feel like it will never end, but His Word promises that this life is only a breath compared to what is to come – and then everything will finally, forever, and truly be more than okay.

Passages to Read

Revelation 21:1-7

Isaiah 65:17-25

Romans 8:15-25

I did a new thing….

As all of these thoughts were rolling around in my head over the past couple weeks, a short conversation with a friend was born out of them. That conversation sparked the first verse for a song. Now, I’ve tried writing original songs before, but I have never been successful at getting more than a snippet here or there – a verse, an instrumental motif, etc. This one came so easily. Don’t get me wrong – it was still work, but I never felt stuck like I have at other times. Sharing any type of personal art is a vulnerable thing, but I hope that what I wrote will encourage some of you as you walk through uncertainty and sorrow and draw your hearts near to the tender compassion and the firm, but gentle leading of God.

The In-Between

Rev. 21

Verse 1

God, I know you’re here

God, I know you’re enough for me

So why this ache

That says this isn’t how it’s s’posed to be

Pre-Chorus

In a world I wish were black and white

All I can see is this hazy gray

Help me once again to see the day

Chorus

When all my tears will be dried up

And my sorrows fade from memory

I’ll dance and sing, wrapped in your love,

In the light of your majesty

When the pain of this life is no more

And death’s death is our victory

All will be right, and new, and bright

We’ll be with You for eternity

Help me trust through the in-between

Verse 2

Lord, I know what’s true

I know what you’ve done for me

Still I wrestle with

What I know and what I see

Verse 3

And I know You’re good

That You command the wind and sea

Please take this fear

And clear away my heart’s debris

Pre-Chorus

Chorus

Bridge

The discord of disappointment

Wages war against my soul

Yet, the fact I know that something’s wrong

Tells me this world is not my home

Chorus 2

Where all my tears will be dried up

And my sorrows fade from memory

I’ll dance and sing, wrapped in your love,

In the light of your majesty

When the pain of this life is no more

And death’s death is our victory

All will be right, and new, and bright

We’ll be with You for eternity

Help me trust through the in-between

Let this home etched in my heart come quickly

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Needles, Blessings, and a Resurrected Savior

2020-04-11T14:52:00.001-05:00

Early on in our infertility journey, I read that I needed to get over needles fast. Whoever wrote that encouraging little memo wasn’t kidding. My doctor recently switched me from oral progesterone to at-home intramuscular injections. Combined with monthly blood draws and weekly acupuncture, that puts my pokiest week topping out at roughly 18-20 needles in the span of 7 days literally from the top of my head down to my ankles and everywhere in between. My acupuncturist even started needling my belly recently, which is just a delight, let me tell you.

While I eagerly look forward to the day that I’m no longer a human pin cushion, this season hasn’t been without it’s blessings. For example, I have a good nurse friend who is taking the time to come administer my progesterone injections (having my husband give them was an option, but I wasn’t too keen on that idea. He keeps reminding me he gave them to pigs when he worked on the hog farm and that pig skin is the most similar to human skin - thank you, Mythbusters - so, he’s not entirely inexperienced. Somehow that still just isn’t overly comforting to me). Anyway, my friend prayed for me as she gave me my first injection while my husband stayed nearby with Nika (who is essentially my emotional support dog), and I was again reminded how very much I am not alone in this. I know that someday my own joy will be shared (and amplified as a result) with so many who have walked alongside (and sometimes carried) us through this, regardless of how God chooses to glorify Himself through it in the end.

I have also been more aware than ever of how I am crossing paths with people I wouldn’t have and in ways I wouldn’t have had my story been unfolding differently. I am familiar with all of the phlebotomists at our hospital. I see my acupuncturist and the girl who runs her front desk every week. In the time we have been trying to conceive, I have had the gift of being a nanny to three beautiful kids in two separate families and of getting to love them and watch them grow. I had the time, mental clarity, and energy to give careful and thoughtful counsel to the teenage girl who reached out unexpectedly for guidance the other day. I have more of myself to give in youth ministry (and ministry in general) during this season.

Pain and suffering are not the worst things. Struggles and trials are not the worst things. In fact, all these things teach, grow, and refine us and bond us to others in ways that nothing else can accomplish. They help us know Jesus just a little better and become a little more like Him, for he suffered more than any of us will ever have to. He did so on our behalf. He provided the way to escape the most intense, thorough, and final pain that any human being will ever experience. He took it on Himself, and all that He asks is that we trust Him. We will still experience disappointment and deep hurts in this life, but if we trust Him, we know that the glorious end of our own story will completely overshadow the heartaches of today. I have had hope through infertility, through marital heartaches, through job loss, through seemingly constant life upheaval, and yes, through the caronavirus because I know the One who died for me and whose love was unequivocally and incomparably demonstrated by that death. I also know that He is alive and that anything He allows into my life can be used for good. The grave could not hold Him; neither will it hold those who believe in Him. And I know that ultimately I’m not the end of my own story. He is.

“Sing to the Lord all you godly ones! Praise His holy name. For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:4-5 NLT).

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10 Tips to Help You Remain Calm and Kind through the Coronavirus Pandemic

2020-03-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

1. Talk to God

God knows more about the coronavirus and the true state of the world than any human does. He also knows you and loves you more than anyone else. Talk to Him about your concerns, and ask Him to help you sift through the murky cloud of voices. Let Him comfort, encourage, and guide you. Ask Him for His protection and provision, and listen to Him when you sense that He is asking you to do (or not do) something. Spend time with Him and allow His voice to ring out clear over all the others. Come to Him in gratitude, worship, and humility, and allow Him to lift your eyes and your countenance. Agree with Him about the ways you’ve screwed up, and align your thoughts with His Word. Sit with Him until your heart is fully convinced that He is enough. “The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry” (Psalm 34:15). “The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16b). “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

2. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude reminds us of what God has already done and how He has already provided. It gives us confidence to keep relying on Him as we walk through turbulent waters. Coupled with tip number 1, it quiets our worries and guards our hearts and minds with a supernatural peace that only Christ can give as we stay near to Him (Philippians 4:6-7). The Bible also tells us expressly that giving thanks in all circumstances is God’s will for us (1 Thessalonians 5:18). One easy and practical way to do this is to start a gratitude journal and write even just a few short sentences or phrases about what you are thankful for that day.

3. Trust God’s Provision

God provides for the needs of those who seek after His kingdom. Look at Jesus’s lesson in Luke 12:22-34. His provision may not look how we expect it to, but our needs will be met nonetheless as we follow and obey Him. Psalm 23 is another beautiful depiction of God’s provision. We can trust Him. If we choose to believe that and act on it, then our fear will melt away, our selfishness will dissolve, and we will be more effective in serving others through the storm.

4. Don’t Act in Fear

When we are scared for our own safety and well-being, the natural selfishness of our sinful hearts bubbles up to the surface much more quickly and easily than usual. In this high-alert and defensive stance, we can find ourselves speaking rashly, acting erratically, and burning all sorts of bridges along the way. Or, we may go to the other end of the spectrum and mentally and emotionally implode as we allow the anxiety and the darkness of our fears to overshadow everything. Either way, we can end up causing more damage than the original object of our fear. Instead, find ways to manage your fear and stress. Practice deep breathing through your nose when you catch your mind running wild. Get plenty of sleep, water, and real food. Take extra care to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19 NLT). For heaven’s sake, don’t make any big decisions while you are in this state if you can help it. And above all, practice tip numbers 1, 2 and 3.

5. Extend Mercy & Grace

We all succumb to fear occasionally during times like this. Remember that fact, and be willing to extend mercy and grace to those who hurt you. Our anger and pain can blind us from seeing situations with compassion through another’s perspective. Don’t excuse or ignore sinful behavior, but muster the courage to communicate through the conflict with a healthy amount of understanding and gentleness. Pursue reconciliation, and remember that you also need others to show you grace and mercy when you fail. See Colossians 3:12-14.

6. Balance your Intake

With the bombardment of instant information from countless resources, we need to be careful to limit our exposure to the negative and disturbing things happening in the world. This is not to say that we should be uninformed, but that we should be intentional about avoiding an overdose of the madness. Don’t lose sight of what is true or miss the joys of living in the present. Replace some time reading links on Facebook with reading God’s Word or listening to worship music. Watch a feel-good movie that you know lifts your spirits. Check out Philippians 4:8 for some general guidelines about where we should allow our minds to camp out.

7. Check on Friends

I am an introvert through and through with a textbook melancholic temperament. For those who are like me, the chance to stay home with limited outside interaction is a welcome break from the normal pace of life. However, not all of us are wired the same way. The extroverts out there, especially those who like to process their thoughts outwardly in conversation, are likely struggling with the whole idea of social distancing. Even beyond temperaments, some of your friends are facing really difficult business decisions, anticipating financial loss from a lack of work, or buckling under the weight of having a worldwide pandemic added to personal trials they were already battling. Shoot them a text or give them a call. Let them know they aren’t alone or forgotten. Ask them how they are feeling about everything. Listen well. If you haven’t already, you will eventually need that kind of care too, even if you are an introvert. “Christ died for us so that, whether we are dead or alive when He returns, we can live with Him forever. So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:10-11 NLT)

8. Offer and Accept Help

Toilet paper is suddenly a high commodity, and groceries are flying off the shelves like it’s the end of the world. Let people know how you can help. Give what you can while knowing that God will provide for your needs. When He tugs on your heart to give even to the point of sacrifice, trust Him. He is a generous gift giver, and He sees and blesses when you reflect His character. Give knowing that you may soon be the one in need, and don’t be too proud to accept help. Allow others to bless you as they obey what God is calling them to do. “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). We are stronger together; God made us that way.

9. Refuse to Belittle or Mock

People from all walks of life have widely differing opinions on the severity of the coronavirus and the necessity of all the preventive measures that have been recommended. No matter where a person falls on the scale, the right thing to do is never to belittle or mock them. That sort of self-righteous attitude is not productive and only causes greater division and confusion. Proverbs has a lot to say about scoffers (3:34; 14:6; 21:24; 22:10; 24:9 to name a few). Strive to communicate your opinion in a humble and considerate manner (which doesn’t mean it can’t be clear, firm, and bold as well), and refuse to resort to nastiness toward those who disagree with you.

10. Be Wise

I don’t want to harp on this one too much because it’s covered pretty well in the news and social media right now. Listen to your healthcare professionals. Stop stealing the masks and the hand sanitizer. Wash your hands, stay home if you feel sick, avoid going out in public when possible, and practice good health in general. I know some people think this is all way too overblown; even so, we know it is not nothing. Be cautious, but not cowardly. “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (Proverbs 22:3). Also, if you need wisdom for making decisions through this whole process, read James 1:5-8.

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Ruth: A Life of Witness

2020-03-11T18:26:00.001-05:00

Today we celebrated the life of a woman who inspired many in our small town. I only knew Ruth Brown for about three years, but I always walked away from her feeling challenged, uplifted, and encouraged.

She suffered greatly in her battle with COPD and cancer. Even so, she did not harbor bitterness or anger toward God or anyone else. Neither did she wallow in self-pity or self-condemnation. This is not to say she never struggled, but she always came back to the peace of knowing her Savior. I remember leaving the hospital in awe once after Jon and I had visited her. She told us very matter-of-factly that her condition was a result of poor choices she had made growing up and she just had to live with those consequences. The way she said it has lingered with me. She spoke as a woman who understood her own sin but who also knew and rested in complete forgiveness. She didn’t play the blame games. She knew how to live with the reality of her circumstances without letting it eat away her spirit, her kindness, her faith, or her hope.

Her love was so evident and so far-reaching. It ran in deep rivers over her husband, her children, her church, and especially her Jesus. While she cherished her time here, she eagerly looked forward to the day when she could be with Him – when she could be in her true home. In the meantime, she worshipped with abandon, she set her attention on the needs and well-being of others, she walked alongside her husband of over forty years with both fierce affection and snappy humor, she prayed fervently for her children, she served others however she could, and she kept living with dignity and strength until the end of her days here. In spite of knowing full well that her time was short, she continued genuinely loving and truly living.

Ruth has given me a whole new understanding of the meaning of longsuffering and how to walk well through pain. Having to fight to breathe is something that is completely foreign to most of us. We may remember as children the panic that started welling up when we tried to see how long we could hold our breath underwater at the swimming pool. That childhood memory is only a small glimpse of what Ruth experienced over and over. Yet, I don’t remember ever hearing her complain. She was not above asking for prayer, but she did not use her plight to turn everyone’s attention to herself. And despite the difficulty, she made the effort to come to church every Sunday that she could, not out of rote obligation but because she wanted to be with God’s people and worship together with them regardless of what it cost her. What a powerful testimony.

The life she lived witnessed magnificently to the grace and love of God. She desired desperately for people to know a genuine, thriving relationship with Jesus like the one she enjoyed with Him. She wanted people to know Him not just as a hero who could rescue them out of trouble but as a loving companion and Lord who would walk with them through the fire and on into glory. She longed for others to know and believe that Jesus died for their sins and that He offers forgiveness and an abundant life for those who will trust Him. She wanted people to know the peace and freedom of living a life surrendered and submitted to one’s Creator.

Ruth is home now. She is breathing freely and basking in the warmth of heaven. She continues to worship with lifted arms and a humble heart. The reflection she could only see dimly before she now sees clearly, face to face. I have no doubt she is dancing with joy in the presence of her Savior. If she were still here, she would invite you, plead with you, to open your heart to Jesus, and she would tell you without reservation that it is worth it.

Giver of Good Gifts

2020-02-21T19:12:00.000-06:00

Everyone who knows my dad knows that he is a giver – and a good giver at that. I can’t count the memories I have of him paying not only for our family’s meals but also for the meals of whomever we happened to be eating out with. If he has something that he knows someone else could really use, he’d much rather give it than sell it. His gifts are given without hidden motives of manipulation or control, and he gives much more than just material gifts. Dozens of people have been on the receiving end of his time, expertise, and teaching when it comes to home repairs and improvements, computer troubleshooting, and any number of other forms of analytical puzzles.

My dad is such an excellent reflection of God as a giver that I’m embarrassed at how I could even try to justify my recent doubts regarding God’s goodness and generosity. My parents themselves are good gifts from God. He has proven Himself time and time again to be faithfully good and generous in providing for Jon and I financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, and mentally through marital and ministry trials, through multiple moves and job changes, through medical messes, and so much more. He has used so many people to bless us beyond what we could have ever asked for, and He has never forsaken us. It’s absurd, really, to doubt while having the examples that I do in my parents and having seen all that I’ve seen God do in my own life.

Yet, I’ve still struggled with suspicion. I’ve still wrestled with trusting an all-powerful heavenly Father who has allowed my womb to stay barren when I know my earthly parents (and SO many other friends and family members) would do anything in their power to allow me to have a child. I’ve cried angry tears over Psalm 127 and James 1:17. I’ve wondered if God just doesn’t love me enough or if I don’t love God enough. I’ve prayed until it felt pointless, and I’ve crowded God out with activity – along with all my conflicting feelings about Him.

Therein lies the problem. It’s hard to see anyone clearly from a distance. James 1:17, as much as it has tormented me, makes it abundantly clear that if anyone has moved or changed, it is not God. So, it must be me. I know it is me. But, if I come near to God again, then who does that leave me to blame? Who else would take the brunt of my anger and disappointment?

I recently finished Lysa Terkeurst’s book titled It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. In it, she masterfully gives the reader space and grace to suffer and grieve while also guiding the reader gently back onto the life-giving path toward Christ. She explains that we are between two gardens: the Garden of Eden and the restored Eden of the book of Revelation. God created all things perfect, and we have that perfection etched into our DNA like a faint memory, which is why anything less than perfection stings and disappoints us so badly. God has also provided the way and is working toward restoring all things to that perfection, which gives us hope for the future. However, we live in the middle space where sin is still messing things up, and the harsh dissonance of disappointment still clangs in our ears.

Learning to trust God and wrestle well through the noise of suffering and disappointment is part of His work in transforming us. Lysa goes on in her book to use the illustration of dust and pottery. God often uses the times in our lives that reduce us to ashes to provide the material to make something even more beautiful and strong. She says, “If our souls never ached with disappointments and disillusionments, we’d never fully admit and submit to our need for God. If we weren’t ever shattered we’d never know the glorious touch of the Potter making something glorious out of dust, out of us.” These illustrations and teachings have been helpful to me in coming to understand and accept the things I see God doing (or not doing) in my own life and learning to trust His process.

I know God is not maliciously withholding anything from me; that is not His character. He is the good giver of all perfect gifts, and he gives generously and freely. I also know that He sees more than what I can see both in Jon’s and my circumstances and in our hearts. He knows what we need more than we do, and just because He hasn’t given us a child yet doesn’t mean He hasn’t wanted to give us that gift or that He won’t still in the future. He is not a performance-driven God who would require me to love Him a certain amount before rewarding me with a child, and He has already given the greatest demonstration of His own love for me in the sacrifice of His Son. These are the truths I need to remember and to choose to believe. God is generous and good, and I can trust that He is making something beautiful from the ashes.

In the meantime, He has given me a few things to work on. If you are struggling with trusting God’s goodness, I invite you to join me in these.

Stay close to Him. Pushing Him away only exacerbates the problem because I start losing sight of who He is and start believing the lies.

Give Him the glory. I just read in Judges 7 about how God wouldn’t let the full Israelite army fight against the Midianites under Gideon because He knew they would be tempted to think that their own power and might won the battle. He whittled the army down to three hundred men and used them to take down Midianites and Amalekites “as numerous as locusts” (Judges 7:12). I can’t try to control or fix everything myself, and any progress I make is only because of Him. Worshipping God also keeps my heart in a posture of peaceful submission.

Celebrate the victories. I’ve been too focused on a pregnancy being the only victory. That mindset lends itself to overlooking or downplaying all that God is doing right now, which in turn leads to doubting Him again. For example, I have slowly but surely been making leaps and bounds health-wise. Shark week has almost earned itself a new name as my husband has come through relatively unscathed for several months now. My moods are so much more stable in that regard!

Reframe. I am learning how powerful the mind is and how much my whole being – body, heart, mind, and spirit – is affected by what I think. Side note – this is probably why God transforms us by renewing our minds (Rom. 12:2). Anyway, I’m learning some techniques to manage stress in addition to learning how to turn negative thinking around on its head. For example, instead of thinking “this sucks – I’m still not pregnant this month,” I can think, “I’m glad God designed my body in such a way that it knows when pregnancy is not a good idea.”

Choose to believe God. Trust His goodness, His generosity, and His process. Wrestle well through disappointment. Find hope in the future of eternity. Obey God when He asks you to do something. Get back up when you fall.

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Infertility Is

2019-11-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

Infertility is being afraid to hope because the inevitable disappointment that follows month after month is just too much to handle sometimes.

Infertility is feeling like you are letting down everyone around you - the would-be father, the would-be grandparents, the would-be aunts and uncles, the would-be cousins, the would-be babysitters, teachers, friends, and mentors.

Infertility is questioning whether this is because of something in your (or your spouse’s) past, and knowing there are other people who wonder the same.

Infertility is isolating and lonely when kept hidden.

Infertility is having no answers. It is thinking you have an answer, waiting 6 months, and then looking for more answers. It is having countless answers and yet still no answer at all.

Infertility is diligently fighting against the comparison trap, but occasionally falling into frustration, jealousy, confusion, and/or outrage.

Infertility is getting poked, cut, screened, flushed, and tested until you, your marriage, and your bank account can’t hardly stand anymore.

Infertility is sometimes being angry at the only One whom you fully believe can ultimately do anything or bring you any real comfort about your situation. Then it is feeling guilty, ashamed, and hopeless for feeling that way.

Infertility is looking into sympathetic eyes that don’t understand.

Infertility is giving short, robotic answers so that the abyss of emotions doesn’t burst forth to swallow you whole again.

Infertility is scoffing at the irony of being less fertile than a Target manikin.

Infertility is seeing God work in many ways while He appears to remain frozen with regard to your ability to conceive.

Infertility is genuinely feeling happy for all the friends and the siblings and the kids you used to babysit when they announce their pregnancies while simultaneously writhing inside with the possibility that it may never be your turn.

Infertility is having a pass to a secret club that no one wants to be a part of and that 99% of members are trying desperately to leave.

Infertility is wondering. Wondering if you will ever get to see the joy on everyone’s face (particularly your husband's face) when you reveal that you are finally pregnant. Wondering if you will ever get to plan an announcement, have a baby shower, design a nursery, choose a name, or experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery. It is wondering if you will ever get to see your own eyes or your husband’s hair reflected in your child.

Infertility is being unable to do what you were designed to do.

Infertility is having all sorts of biblical role models but also loathing the thought of having to wait as long as Sarah did.

Infertility is suddenly feeling like time is your enemy and struggling to celebrate birthdays as your own number creeps up, your chances slide down, and your risks climb higher.

Infertility is a seemingly endless cycle of grieving someone who has not yet existed.

Infertility is knowing that babies are being torn from the wombs of their mothers every day while yours sits empty.

Infertility is not wanting to give up on having biological children while also not wanting to wait too long before starting the process of adoption (not that the two are mutually exclusive or interchangeable).

Infertility is a lot of not knowing what to do next or when.

Infertility is hearing people say, “trying is the fun part,” when they have no idea how stressful, chore-like, hopeless, and/or painful sex can become if you and your spouse fail to intentionally fight for real intimacy.

Infertility is learning to accept and enjoy a life that is not at all what you originally wanted or pictured.

Infertility is being grateful for the time, freedom, and sleep-filled nights you have while also knowing you would give it all up in a heartbeat to become a parent.

Infertility is knowing that adoption is not a cure.

Infertility is crying after taking your waking temperature because it dropped 13 days past ovulation, and you know even before your period ever shows up that though you did everything right, it still didn’t work.

Infertility is taking all the pills: prescriptions, supplements, herbal remedies, and more.

Infertility is researching anything and everything related to fertility until you’ve run out of places to look.

Infertility is gaining a whole slew of acronyms: IUI, IVF, CD, BD, 2WW, AF, BBT, BFN, BFP, OPK, PCOS, HCG, LH, HSG.....

Infertility is seeing doctor after doctor - traditional and unconventional, compassionate and insensitive, attentive and dismissive.

Infertility is waiting for weeks, months, and years without any guarantee that the wait will end.

Infertility is considering acupuncture even though you used to think people who subjected themselves to such a thing were basically insane.

Infertility is painful - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

Infertility is taking a pregnancy test early because even though you know it’s illogical, a small part of you hopes that doing so will somehow prevent your period from coming.

Infertility is daily continuing to choose to believe in, to trust, to pray to, to worship, and to obey God anyway, regardless of how He chooses to write your story. And also sometimes failing to do so.

Infertility is learning over and over again that life is not about you.

Infertility is having friends and family rally together to help support you in ways that yank the pent-up tears from your eyes and bring you to your knees.

Infertility is understanding and connecting with specific people in ways you never could have otherwise.

Infertility is having an opportunity to influence, to serve, to encourage, and to comfort others.

Infertility is a brokenness through which God can still bring about good and reveal His glory.

Infertility is not what I would have chosen, it is not who I am, it does not define my value, and it is not the most important detail of my story. But it is a part of my story.

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For All Who Need Rest

2019-10-07T06:40:00.000-05:00

One of my husband’s favorite places that we’ve visited is Kentucky. Among other things, he loved the dark walls of trees huddling together and stretching up into the sky and out over the roads. The thrill of the unknown and the whisper of adrenaline- pumping adventure captivates his wild heart that is so often suffocated under the weight of responsibility, propriety, and protocol. He and I are opposite in nearly every way, so it should come as no surprise that I prefer the vast, open, fields in northeastern Colorado. I am no doubt more influenced by the nostalgia of growing up in that area than Jon is, but even beyond the comfort of familiarity, I’ve come to relish the simplicity and the stillness that characterize the endless sea of cream, sage, and auburn nestled against the wide expanse of blue. There, a person has space to think, to listen, to feel, to breathe, and to be. Such is the delight of an introvert.

Simple stillness is a rest that my parched spirit craves in the hustle and emotional upheaval of juggling 3 part time jobs, ministry, household duties, marriage, infertility, health, friendships, and home improvement projects. Deep down, I know I erroneously view rest as a treat and not as a necessary staple. It’s so easy in our culture to buy into the lie that busyness makes us valuable, desirable, or admirable and that taking time to refresh and recharge is selfish. Even in church culture, we can start to overemphasize doing and serving over knowing and enjoying. And besides, busyness is one way to numb the pain in our hearts. Jesus has been echoing his gentle correction of Martha to me over and over in recent months: “Sharayah, Sharayah, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (Lk. 10:41b, 42).

The rest God calls us to and has provided for us is deeper than a catnap on a Sunday afternoon. It is a profound soul rest that comes from knowing the end of the story and from knowing and trusting the author of that story. It is a heart at ease because it knows it is safe in the hands of the One who rescued it from the worst thing that could ever happen- separation from Love and Goodness Himself for eternity. It is a quiet mind that can remain unshaken by circumstances because it is anchored in submission to its unchanging Creator instead of enslaved to unpredictable waves of feelings.

However, so many believers (I am one of the worst offenders) don’t live in that rest. We allow the distractions and disillusionment of a painful and impossibly fast-paced earthly life to cloud out what we know to be true. We yield to the whims of our emotions (which make a tyrant of a boss - check out the first sermon in The Crossing’s latest series for more on this) instead of to our gentle, all-knowing, and loving Lord. As we fix our eyes on the white-capped rapids of our circumstances and obey the internal tumult they produce, we naturally drift toward them and away from the still waters of Jesus’s presence.

Jesus beckons, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Mt. 11:28-30).

You and I need to intentionally slow down enough to:

remember Jesus and come to Him,
worship our Creator,
nourish our souls with God’s Word,
express to God both our gratefulness and our desires,
allow Him to restore us,
start anew through confession (agreeing with God about our sin),
express the creativity He placed within us, and
just be who He made us to be.

We also need to make a practice of regular stopping:

Stop striving.
Stop powering through.
Stop depriving ourselves of the good part. Stop giving our emotions free reign and control over our behavior.
Stop believing the lie that we can still enjoy the deep soul rest God has provided without resting from the demands of our never-ending to-do lists and without dealing with the junk in our hearts.

The abundant life is not one that is stuffed to the painfully distended brim with activity but one that in all aspects, whether regarding rest or work, looks to and bends to Jesus.

I haven’t mastered this by any means, but I’m learning. Like many, I have the knowledge, but working it out in my life is not always so easy. Nevertheless, God keeps reminding me that there is too much at stake not to press forward in this area. He gave the nation of Israel the Sabbath command not to control them, to suppress them, to bore them, or to punish them, but as a gift of margin to fill a real need that he had placed within them as a reflection of His own character (God does not tire, but still He rested on the seventh day after creation). Similarly, He has given you and I the spiritual discipline of rest not as one more thing we have to do to please him, but as a gift to help us discover the rich life He modeled for us and died to give us. When we choose to cultivate internal rest and to create periods for external rest, we choose to be like Him.

Not only this, but a heart that is not at rest because it is burnt out or harboring unresolved issues bleeds onto everyone closest to it. Our relationships matter too much to neglect this area. Whether we like it or not, our relationships with God and with all those around us are seriously affected by whether or not we are intentionally resting in Christ. As we make the time to recharge in His presence, as we choose to follow Him alone, and as we allow Him to remove the weeds that have taken root inside us, we will experience His peaceful rest that surpasses all understanding both within our hearts and in our relationships, regardless of what life throws at us.

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Phillips News & Spring Highlights 2019

2019-05-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

Our life has been a whirlwind since my big surgery back in March, and it’s been a while since I’ve written an update on life, so here it is!

Surgery & Recovery

During the surgery, the doctors essentially sliced and diced my insides robotically and then stitched it all back together. Of course it was all much more careful and precise than that, but you get the idea. They excised the endometriosis, performed a bilateral ovarian wedge resection to help treat my PCOS, and then sewed everything up in a way that greatly reduces scar tissue formation. If you want to read more about the procedures in detail you can do so here. Later on, the lab confirmed that there had been twelve areas of endometriosis, including inside the little extra fallopian tube I mentioned in the Phillips Medical Update and inside one of my ovaries. My doctor was happy with how everything went, and thankfully the surgery only took 6.5 hours instead of the predicted 8. They didn’t make me stay overnight at the hospital at all. I moved slowly and tired easily throughout recovery, but the pain was pretty well manageable with the meds, the ice packs, a heating pad, and an attentive husband and mother-in-law. After I had recovered a bit, my doctor started me on antibiotics for a cycle to clear up some cervicitis, and I also started progesterone and a whole slew of recommended supplements (my nightstand looks like it belongs to a ninety-year-old). She is letting me take the progesterone pills for now instead of doing the injections (hallelujah!), but I still have to get blood drawn once a month while they get my hormones leveled out. Now, I’m doing really well. I have occasional internal pain, but it is minor and short-lived. I haven’t had any bad side effects from the medication changes, and I’ve had more energy than even before the surgery. I’m glad to be on the other side of surgery and look forward to continually seeing improvements in my overall health.

Dancing with the Stars

Dancing with the Stars is an annual fundraiser that is put on for the Gothenburg Community Playhouse/Sun Theatre. Prominent members of the community are recruited into four dance teams. They each have a coach from the community who helps them come up with a dance routine. After weeks of preparation, they dress up and compete before an audience for the most votes. This year, the tickets for the event sold out in just eight minutes. Jon had the opportunity to contribute by making several videos for the event and by helping with the live stream.

Family Visits

A little over three weeks after surgery, we went to Scottsbluff to visit Jon’s parents and a couple siblings and nephews. Rebecca (Jon’s oldest sister from Kentucky) was there with her son (Nathaniel), and we hadn’t seen them in a long time, so it was good to get to spend time with them. We also went to Mitchell Berean’s worship night that weekend, and Jon had the surprise privilege of being called up to lead the song “Do it Again” by Elevation Worship with the team that we had so often served alongside while we lived in Scottsbluff. It was a precious moment. Ben (Jon’s brother) spoke, JaNae (Ben’s wife) danced to one of the songs, and I enjoyed holding Micah (their son) even though it was probably a little too soon after surgery.

My parents came to visit us a couple weekends later. I love getting to spend time with them. I am truly so thankful for the family God gave me. They happened to come during Gothenburg’s city-wide garage sales, so we went to a couple of those and also went to a bunch of open houses (more on this later…). The time with them always seems too short.

Easter

Easter Sunday was my first Sunday back on worship team. The time leading up to Easter is busy, but it’s well worth it. The Crossing had three services instead of our normal two and saw about five hundred faces come through the doors of the Life Center. It was a sweet time of celebrating our risen Savior. We are so thankful we have the freedom to worship openly and the space now to invite more people to come meet, follow, and love Jesus.

Drive Conference

The weekend after my parents visited, Jon left with the staff of The Crossing and some other leaders to attend the Drive Conference in Atlanta, Georgia. He had a blast and interacted with as many worship and youth people as he could. The conference was a time of refreshment for the team as they got away and were able to catch a renewed vision for what God has called us all to do. Jon returned excited, determined to learn how to delegate more in areas where he has stretched himself too thin, and challenged to lead worship more confidently and freely.

Graduations

How graduation sneaks up on me every year, I’m not sure. Several of our students were seniors this year, so we had a few parties to attend. Graduation time is bittersweet, but we are looking forward to seeing how God continues to grow these students and use them as they begin the transition into adulthood.

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day has been difficult for me the past couple of years, but I really felt at peace this year. I have a wonderful mother, mother-in-law, and several other mother figures to celebrate. Another blogger I follow posted about rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep (Rom. 12:15). I accepted God’s grace this year in being able to do just that. I’m learning how to be authentically happy for my mommy friends and my numerous pregnant friends (soooo many babies coming into the world this summer and fall!) and also ache with longing and empathize with those who find Mother’s Day to be a challenge for whatever reason. There is room in my heart for both, and I know that I am genuinely okay as I am.

Intern Farewell

Ellie finished up her youth and worship internship at The Crossing and headed off to serve at Maranatha BibleCamp again this summer. She might come back after the summer for another semester, but she hasn’t decided for sure about that yet. We will miss having consistent access to her tender heart, her ability to connect with the teens, her creative ideas, her incredible talent, and her passion for spiritual growth and for people in general.

Housing

Last month, we found out that a couple had approached our landlord about possibly buying the house we are currently renting. It was not on the market, but the couple knew that this house would be a good fit for what they are needing. They came to look at it a couple different times, but they were looking at another house as well. A little over one week ago, we got the news that they decided to move forward with buying the house we are living in. The closing date is scheduled for June 10.

We had been in the early stages of thinking about buying a house, but we weren’t at all thinking it would happen this soon. At this point, we definitely won’t be able to close on our own house before we will need to be out of this one. However, we may end up renting whatever house we decide to purchase until we can close, or we have had some other options for temporary housing offered to us as well. We have already started the loan application process and are happy with how that is going, and we have at least two houses that are good possibilities. I started packing this last weekend.

Through all of this upheaval, I have been unusually and inexplicably at peace. Jon has been the more anxious one (which is a complete flip-flop from our usual pattern). The timing of it all seems both horrific and perfect. My surgeries are done, and the resulting bills will be paid off soon. We had been concerned about an additional $40,000 that we appeared to owe on one bill, but I finally was able to confirm that we don’t owe that amount (a code was overlooked) just days before we found out that the couple definitely wanted to buy our house. Jon is supposed to be at Maranatha Bible Camp again for the majority of June, so we had prayed that the moving process wouldn’t be during that time. Ironically, June 10 is the first day of the first camp. It’s one of those times when you wish you would have prayed a little more specifically (God, we meant after camps were over…but we’ll take it!). Even though everything is still a little up in the air right now, I know God will provide. I don’t see the path clearly now, but I have seen His hand all over this. Plus, we’ve seen his provision time and time again in the past. It’s all His, and if He is giving this house to meet someone else’s need, then He has a different one to meet our need. We would appreciate prayer for the decision making process as we move forward!

Jon’s Story

Jon shared his story last Sunday at The Crossing. It was difficult to again re-live the hellish season of our marriage, but we know that his vulnerability had an impact on people. We are praying that more people will be set free from their cycles of guilt, shame, and sin. We would appreciate prayer for us (and all the other staff who shared their stories) in this as well. Opening up in a way that might cause others to break free from sin or turn to Jesus tends to place a target on your back for spiritual attack.

Lessons in Trials

A Bible passage popped into my mind as I was going through my morning routine the other day. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4 NIV). I memorized these verses at school, but that was several years ago. Yet, every word unexpectedly shot through my mind as clear as day. It’s another one of those passages that used to be nearly impossible to accept. How could one trial, let alone trials of many kinds, be considered a joy? How could things like betrayal, infertility, health problems, multiple unexpected moves, unfaithfulness, false guilt, true guilt, rejection, financial mountains, job loss, job struggles, busyness, marital battles, ministry heartaches, emotional and mental turmoil, loneliness, family tension and trauma, and deaths of loved ones possibly make a person more complete when they more often feel like they are tearing you to pieces?

Looking back, it is so much easier to see. Yes, there was pain, and yes, I would have chosen different things for myself. I am not the person I was before all of this, but it’s not because I have lost broken pieces of myself. As I’ve learned to keep choosing Jesus in the midst of the turmoil, He has been making me more into my truest self – the one that He already sees as glorified and finished. He does not revel in my pain; in fact, I believe He cries with me. However, He knows that these things have taught (and continue to teach) me invaluable lessons in forgiveness, grace, dependence, flexibility, courage, love, freedom, compassion, obedience, vulnerability, rest, trust, and ultimately in perseverance. I gain perseverance through each trial because I can look back and see how God preserved me through the past and how He used it for the better. I know Him and cannot deny Him even when my circumstances make me want to do just that. While my trials added to me in so many ways, they also chipped away at my independent pride, my sense of entitlement, my sin, and my selfishness. The path to maturity and wholeness is not one of comfortable and pleasurable ease or exploration, but of discipline, struggle, and loss.

“He who as found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39 NASB).

“More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:7-12).

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The Way (Part 5): Can I Ever Lose My Salvation?

2019-04-29T07:10:00.000-05:00

The one question that I struggled with the most from elementary school all the way through college was whether or not I could lose my salvation. The church I attended taught that I could not, but I met others who believed differently and used Bible verses to back up their stance. I was confused by passages that, in my mind, seemed to conflict with each other. Though I had many excellent biblical teachers and leaders growing up, it wasn’t until I attended Frontier School of the Bible that this issue of eternal security (the inability to lose one’s salvation) was really settled in my mind. While immersed in the Bible and in teaching about the Bible at school, I learned more in depth how to observe what I read, how to thoughtfully and prayerfully interpret it based on both its immediate literary and historical contexts, and how to appropriately apply it to my life. I also learned the importance of interpreting muddy passages in light of clear ones, not the other way around. This instruction helped me to clearly see why it was true that my salvation could never be lost. I want to share with you why you too can rest in the security of God’s guarantee if you have believed in Jesus as we discussed in part 4.

1. God can’t and won’t lose it.

Hebrews 6:16-18 – “For men swear by one greater than themselves, and with them an oath given as confirmation is an end of every dispute. In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us.” God cannot lie, and He won’t change His mind. His purpose toward the heirs of the promise (those who have believed) is unchangeable. When He says that those who believe in Jesus will be saved, we can know on the basis of His character that it is true and that it will come to pass.

2 Timothy 2:13 – “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.” Unlike us, God is faithful. He will never betray us or deceive us.

Hebrews 13:8 – “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Not only is God’s purpose toward the heirs of promise unchangeable, but He Himself is unchangeable in His character. People shift and change constantly, but God is always the same. We can trust Him and His Word; He keeps His promises.

John 14:16-18 – “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” The very second you believe in Jesus for salvation, the Holy Spirit comes to live inside of you forever. He will never leave you. Romans 8:9 also makes it very clear that if you don’t have the Holy Spirit, you don’t belong to Christ. Those who belong to Christ have the Holy Spirit. This provides the setting for our next passage…

Ephesians 1:13-14 – “In Him [Jesus Christ], you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation – having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.” The Holy Spirit seals us in Christ. In volume 1 of Wuest’s Word Studies, Kenneth S. Wuest provides some helpful insight into these verses. He gives some examples of how a seal means that everything is in done and ready to be delivered (Wuest, 49). He goes on to further explain, “In the symbolism of Scripture a seal signifies (1) A finished transaction…(2) Ownership…[and] (3) Security....Thus, God places the Holy Spirit in us permanently..., indicating that the great transaction in which God the Son paid for sin, thus satisfying the just demand of God’s holy law, is finished; that we saints belong to Him as His heritage, and that we are eternally secure” (Wuest, 49). Wuest also explains how the word “pledge” refers to earnest money, or a down payment of sorts of our salvation. Believers now experience justification and sanctification, but we await our glorification. The Holy Spirit is God’s “earnest money” – a guarantee that we will be glorified (Wuest, 49-50). I have also heard this concept illustrated in terms of engagement. The Holy Spirit is like an engagement ring given from God to us; it is a commitment and promise of the marriage to come. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives us great assurance that we are secure in Christ.

1 John 2:1-2 – “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and He Himself is the propitiation [satisfactory payment] for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world.” Satan doesn’t need to accuse us falsely. We give him plenty of ammunition even after we have been saved by sinning. On our own, we are all guilty (like we talked about it part 2). Thankfully, we believers have an Advocate to stand against the accuser, no matter how true his accusations are. Our Advocate, Jesus, stands before God and declares that our sins cannot be held against us because He took the punishment for them already. Not only that, but He gave us His righteousness as a gift when we believed. We will not be condemned while Jesus advocates for us.

John 10:27-30 – “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” Jesus will not drop believers or toss us aside. He has a hold on us, and no one can change that.

John 6:39-40 – “This is the will of Him who sent Me, that of all that He has given Me I lose nothing, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life, and I Myself will raise him up on the last day.” It is the very will of God that Jesus not lose anything that has been given to Him, including those who have believed in Him for eternal life. The one who conquered death will bring about our salvation to its completion and bring us back to life as well. God’s will stands.

Romans 8:38-39 – “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Nothing can separate us from His love for us in Jesus. Nothing. God is above all and cannot be defeated.

2. We ourselves can’t lose it.

John 10:27-30 – Refer back to this verse in the previous section. It says that no one can snatch us out of the Father’s hand – that includes ourselves. I cannot even pluck myself out of the hand of God once I am there.

John 6:47 – “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life.” Eternal life doesn’t begin with the death of our physical bodies. We don’t wait for it. This verse is in the present tense and says that we who believe have it already. It starts the moment we believe and lasts forever. It cannot be lost for the very fact that it is eternal.

1 John 5:10-13 – “These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life.” We don’t have to wonder whether or not we have eternal life. Portions of Scripture (including the book of 1 John) have been dedicated to showing us that we can know for certain that we have eternal life. If it could be lost, then there would be no certainty.

Colossians 2:13-14 – “When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” Jesus died for all sins past, present, and future. Think about it. When Jesus died on the cross, all of your personal sins were in the future at that point; yet, they were all paid for. Salvation comes by having His righteousness credited to our account, not by our own righteousness. We cannot lose our salvation by sinning because the sin has already been paid for. All we need is Jesus’s righteousness through belief.

Romans 8:28-30 – “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.” A lot could be said about these verses, but the point I want to make is that God sees us as glorified already. We have a hard time understanding this because we are bound by time, but God is not. He created time and is not limited by it. Even though at the present time we have not been glorified, it is certain that it will happen, not on the basis of anything we do, but on the basis of Christ’s completed work and gift of righteousness to those who believe.

John 1:12-13 – “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.” We believers are called children of God. Why would God use a the illustration of a permanent relationship to show us what our relationship to Him is if that relationship is not also permanent?

Romans 8:15 – “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’” Here again, we are called children of God. We are adopted into this permanent new relationship by faith. A son is always a son, no matter what he does. We have no need to fear.

Galatians 3:1-3 – “You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified? This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” We are saved by faith, by believing in Jesus for salvation, and are at that moment given the Holy Spirit as a seal and a pledge. Nothing we could do could earn us salvation. It is a gift accepted by faith. If we can’t even save ourselves in the first place, what makes us think we could keep ourselves saved by the things we do or don’t do? If we could do nothing to earn it, what makes us think we could earn the loss of it? It is not based on what we do, but on what Christ did for us.

These verses could be discussed more at length, and they are not by any means an exhaustive collection concerning this matter. However, I believe they decisively reveal that our salvation cannot be lost. We are secure in Christ. We may not always feel secure in Christ, particularly if we are living in sin. When we live in sin, we live as though we are unbelievers, so it would make sense that we would doubt our salvation. However, our security is not dependent upon how we feel. If we have believed, then we are saved, we have (present tense) eternal life, and we have the Holy Spirit indwelling us as a seal and a pledge. If Jesus can come back to life, He can certainly keep us safe in His care until we are glorified with Him. He cannot and will not lose us, and we cannot lose Him. This is the deepest security anyone could possibly know, and it is available to you if you will just believe.

*Wuest, Kenneth S. Wuest’s Word Studies. Grand Rapids, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1966.

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The Way (Part 4): What Must I Do to Be Saved?

2019-04-22T07:18:00.000-05:00

At one of our high school small groups on Wednesday night, the students were asked what they feel like their generation is seeking. One answer was autonomy: they want the freedom to make all their own decisions and do what they want to do without depending on anyone else. Inwardly, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. I remember feeling that way as a teenager, but now there are days when I would love to go back to the time before I had to carry the weight and responsibility of being an adult. For example, I hate driving. I enjoy the freedom I have to get where I need or want to go, but I struggle with pretty severe anxiety over having all potential consequences placed squarely on my own shoulders. The first time I drove, I couldn’t even bring myself to step on the gas pedal for several minutes. I just coasted in a big, open lot until my patient dad couldn’t take it anymore. Growing up, I didn’t give riding with my parents a second thought. The weaving semis, hidden deer, wild cars, and rising speed didn’t scare me because I depended on, relied on, believed in, and trusted my parents completely. I knew they would protect me and get us all where we needed to go. Nothing was required of me in order to reach our destination other than to rest in the back seat and wait.

In part one, we discovered that God’s demand to be in His presence is perfection. Next, we saw in part two that even though we were created to be in a relationship with God, our sin separated us from Him. Nothing we can do can repair that relationship, and the just penalty for our sin is death (physical, spiritual, and eternal). God loves us, so we heard the good news in part three that He paid the price of our sin to satisfy His own holy and just demand by sending His son Jesus. Jesus took the full wrath for the past, present, and future sins of all people in all times and places when He died on the cross, and His resurrection proved that God accepted His sacrifice as full payment. Jesus died for all, but not all will be saved. God’s Word tells us exactly what our response needs to be in order to have the gift of Jesus’s righteousness credited to our account and to live in His perfect presence forever. We must believe in Jesus, and Him alone, for salvation. This is how we accept the gift.

Saving belief in Jesus is not a factual head knowledge like believing the sky is blue. Even Satan and the demons themselves believe that Jesus is a real person, that He died on the cross, and that He came back to life. They witnessed it and know it to be true. No, the belief that results in salvation is similar to the belief I had in my parents when I rode in their car. It is a belief that trusts in, relies on, and depends on Jesus completely as the one way to salvation based on his death and resurrection. It is resting in His completed work to get us where we need to go.

It sounds too easy, so many people try to add requirements. They say you must be baptized in water, read your Bible, pray, go to church, give to the needy, serve in soup kitchens, go on mission trips, give up all your bad habits, make Jesus Lord over every aspect of your life, and/or complete many other good deeds before you can be saved. Even though all these are good, and God calls us to them for His glory, to reach more people, and to grow us into becoming the people He originally created us to be in His image, Isaiah 64:6 tells us that they are still only filthy rags (menstrual rags) compared to Christ’s righteousness. We have to have Christ’s righteousness credited to our account in order to be saved, and that happens when we believe in Him alone for salvation. His righteousness alone can save us. Good deeds are simply a natural out-flowing of our reconciled relationship with Christ as we stay close to Him. Romans 4:5 says in no uncertain terms: “But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness.” Ephesians 2:8, 9 also makes this point abundantly clear: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one can boast.” This great salvation is simple as far as what our response needs to be, but it was not easy or cheap. Remember what Jesus went through. Remember His sacrifice. The gift of our salvation came at great cost. How foolish we are to think that anything we could do could add value to the precious gift Jesus already paid for and offers freely to all who will believe in Him.

After quoting Romans 4 and Ephesians 2, I also want to bring some clarification to a word that is so often abused, misused, and misunderstood: faith. Biblical faith is not some mystical wishy-washy concept that floats around the heads of those who don’t have their feet firmly planted in reality. God has told us in His Word, the Bible, exactly what faith is. “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). In other words, it is a strong, confident belief that has no problem with its object being unseen. Faith for faith’s own sake does not save anyone and can actually be foolish. The object of the faith is what matters. I could have faith that my three-year-old nephew could drive me to the grocery store, but that faith would be sorely misplaced, and it would not result in anything remotely good. Many children have faith in an invisible friend, but that friend does not exist no matter how sincere their faith is. I have faith (a strong, confident belief) in Jesus now, even though I cannot see Him, because of the very real evidence He left behind that He is the way, the truth, and the life. But that’s a topic for another day. Faith, or belief, only results in salvation if it is placed in the right person, Jesus, because that person is the one doing the saving.

If you haven’t yet believed in Jesus, know that He loves you, and no matter what you have done or what has been done to you, you are not too far gone for Him to save. You don’t have to clean yourself up before trusting Him to save you. Believe in Him now, and He will bring about transformation in your life as you grow in your relationship with Him. He has paid the steep price to be able to offer you this gift. You can be all you were created to be and be fully and finally satisfied in your relationship with Him. He just asks you to accept His gift by believing in Him. Trust Him, and like I find rest when I ride in a vehicle driven by someone I trust, you too will find rest for your soul.

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The Way (Part 3): The Provision of the Greatest Sacrifice

2019-04-15T07:12:00.000-05:00

During a short evangelism training I attended a few years ago, the speaker talked about how most religions that include a god or gods also have some component of human or blood sacrifice. Many components of different religions are partial truths that have been twisted. The One true God does require life blood as a payment for sin. His holiness requires perfection (see part 1), and His just nature requires that sin (i.e., anything that misses the mark of perfection) be dealt with. He cannot simply ignore it, gloss over it, or go easy on it. Yet the stark difference between my God and the other “gods” who are thought to desire sacrifices is that He himself became the sacrifice to meet His own demand. He knew the state mankind was in when Adam and Eve fell. He knew we could never make our own way back to Him. Unlike the vengeful and selfish gods of ancient cultures, He loved us, and He provided the Way for us to be reconciled in our relationship with Him.

The Way that He provided was Jesus, God the Son. Jesus is the only one who could pay for all the past, present, and future sins of all of mankind. Being fully God and fully man, He lived a sinless life of perfection and willingly gave up that life in order to take upon Himself the full force of God’s wrath toward all our sins. Because He is infinite, His one sacrifice was sufficient for all people in all times and places. Unlike the Old Testament animal sacrifices that pictured what was to come, His sacrifice does not need to be repeated. When Jesus suffered and died on the cross (the physical event being only a minuscule reflection of what He endured for us spiritually), He took the penalty for all sin once for all. Just before His spirit was separated from His body, He said the famous words, “It is finished.” Literally, this meant “paid in full.” The monumental debt that we owed to God, but could never hope to repay, was paid for by Jesus. It was done, and the world quaked – its inhabitants not fully comprehending what had just been done for them. The Roman soldier stabbed Jesus with a spear to ensure that He was dead, and He was buried in another man’s tomb. Three days later, He came back to life – demonstrating that God had indeed accepted His payment for our sin. Without the resurrection, we would have no idea if Jesus’s claims of being the Savior, our provision, were legitimate. The resurrection is evidence that He is who He claimed to be and accomplished what He came to do.

Christ’s sacrifice provided the way for forgiveness (salvation from the penalty of sin), righteousness (salvation from the power of sin in our lives), and a future (salvation from the very presence of sin). He has cancelled the debt of our sin at the great cost of His own life, and He offers us His own righteousness and the opportunity to fulfill what we were created to do – to dwell with God forever apart from the pain, tears, and wretchedness of sin. His desire is for us to be all that we were created to be – glorified, blessed with every spiritual blessing, productive, a reflection of Himself, and fully and finally satisfied in our relationship with Him. While we were still lost, He made the way for us to come back to Him. While our backs were still turned on Him in rejection and betrayal, He gave the ultimate demonstration of His love by laying down His life. The depth of our need was met with His abundant, acceptable provision. What a great salvation, and what a wonderful Savior!

This incredible provision is available to all, but not all will receive it. Jesus loves the whole world, and He died for the whole world, but not everyone will spend eternity with Him. This is because God has still given us a choice. We must respond to God’s provision in order for it to be applied to our personal account. Our choices are Jesus, the Life, or death – not just physical, but also spiritual and eternal (see part 2). There is no in between, and there is only one way. One provision. One choice. How must we respond in order to accept this ultimate provision of salvation? Watch for part 4 next Monday. Or, you can read God’s own words to discover it for yourself in these verses:

John 3:16

John 3:18

John 3:36

John 6:28-29

John 6:40

John 6:47

Acts 16:30-31

Romans 4:4-6

Galatians 2:16

1 John 5:13

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