Finding Faith

Just call me crazy....

2014-03-29T08:30:00.001-07:00

A subsequent pregnancy....I write this post not to convince you that I am crazy (I already know that) but in hopes that someone else reading this may feel a sense of normalcy. I write based off my own experiences and conversations with other women. I realize everyone has different experiences and I am in no way am I trying to generalize the experience of a subsequent pregnancy.

If you are a mother who has experienced child loss and not yet embarked on the journey of a subsequent pregnancy, this post is not meant to frighten you. I only write so that if you experience some of these things, you won't feel alone. All the anxiety, sleepless nights, and tears are completely worth the joy I experienced holding my rainbow babies. Even though a subsequent pregnancy is emotionally hard, I would do it time and time again. In hindsight I wish someone would have forewarned me that a subsequent pregnancy would be a rollercoaster that not many can relate to.

This post is for the mother who is experiencing a subsequent pregnancy and feels alone....for the mother who has experienced child loss and is worried about what a future pregnancy holds....for the mother who has delivered her rainbow baby but felt a little crazy and wondered what was wrong with her. So unless you can relate to one of those scenarios, you will probably read this and be convinced that I really am crazy.

I am not an expert on the topic of a subsequent pregnancy, but I am currently in my third subsequent pregnancy so I feel somewhat "qualified" to talk about the subject. I talk with many women about their child loss & subsequent pregnancy experiences and I've come to the conclusion that unless you've been through a subsequent pregnancy, you can't relate to the feelings the grieving mother experiences. Even though I've delivered two healthy babies and Bristol died 4 yrs ago, that doesn't seem to change the way emotions erupt in a subsequent pregnancy. I thought it would get easier with each subsequent pregnancy, but somehow it hasn't worked that way. Each of my subsequent pregnancies has been different and I have struggled with different things. Maybe because I know how many things can go wrong in a pregnancy, I feel I am tempting fate once more. Once your heart has been broken by child loss you never forget that pain...and going through a pregnancy again feels....wrong, weird, hard, emotional, abnormal, crazy...I'm not sure what word to use....

I've thought about writing this post for some time now, and today is the breaking point. I know 6 other women who are currently pregnant in a subsequent pregnancy, and struggle with some of the emotions I'll talk about....guilt, anxiety, fear, depression, detachment.....and yet, even though we all have similar feelings and there is some comfort in that, it still doesn't feel right. Maybe because we base our expected pregnancy emotions off the 'normal' pregnancy. After all, there is no handbook or What to Expect When You're Expecting After You've Held a Dead Baby to guide you through a subsequent pregnancy. Instead we are often left struggling with these emotions alone. Subsequent pregnancy support groups are not common and not every woman is able to attend such a group. (I attended one in my first subsequent pregnancy and it was truly a wonderful resource for me.) And due to the nature of 'crazy' feelings and thoughts, a grieving mother is often apprehensive about discussing her true feelings for fear that you will judge her and/or walk away wondering what's wrong with her and why can't she be happy.

So let's start off by saying that NONE of the feelings a mother feels in a subsequent pregnancy means she is not happy to be pregnant. She is happy, excited, and thrilled at the possibility of having another baby. However, because she has experienced heartache in the realm of pregnancy, her fears may overshadow her bubbling excitement and hide her "baby on board" shirt. So please don't judge her, or question her actions or words. She may be struggling and the best thing you can do is practice grace and bless her with open arms....just watch out, she may collapse in them with tears.

Too often people try to comfort the mother by saying things that aren't helpful. I realize your intentions come from a good place, but let me just say that your words may not have the affect you were hoping for. Here are just a few examples....

* have faith: Please don't mistake fear & anxiety as a lack of faith. I know that I have relied more on my faith during pregnancies than at other times in my life. While I trust that God is good all the time, I also know He is always in control. So while I desperately want to believe that I will hold a healthy baby in my arms, I know that God is in control when that dream doesn't come true. Just as a cancer patient may lose their battle, fearing the worst doesn't mean you lack faith. Here's an alternative statement: "I know God has a plan for you & this baby. And I'm praying he answers your prayers for a healthy baby."

* relax, don't stress, it isn't good for the baby: Believe me I am trying to relax. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy. But I can't lay aside my underlying fear all the time, no matter how hard I try, it still creeps up. And the last thing I need to hear is that something isn't good for the baby. I don't need to worry about something else that could possibly harm my baby when I already feel guilty for the one I lost.

Try: "This must be hard for you. I will keep you in my prayers. What can I do to help support you?"

*things will be fine, try and enjoy the pregnancy: Unfortunately the mother who has experienced child loss knows all too well that things can go wrong in pregnancy. Their naivety is lost in a subsequent pregnancy so blanket feel good statements are not helpful. The best advice I have is to just avoid those statements. Instead, ask how they are feeling and when their next appointment is.

My own sort of crazy....

I've talked with enough women to know that I'm not completely alone in some of my experiences throughout a subsequent pregnancy. So take what I say for what it is....these are things I have experienced. Maybe you can relate, and maybe you've experienced something else. But I know you won't read any of this in a pregnancy book....so I'm praying that my disclosing will only be helpful or reassuring to another mother in this 'club'....

In my first subsequent pregnancy I used to tell Brad about some of my feelings & the nightmares I was having. But instead of being supportive he looked at me like I was crazy and told me to "stop it." His attitude didn't change and I found myself talking less to him about what I was experiencing....I'm not trying to bash him, but I think a subsequent pregnancy, just like child loss, affects the man and woman differently. So if you're husband looks at you like you're nuts, please email me (beatsforbristol@yahoo.com) and try not to let his actions/words bother you. He is probably struggling in his own way and doesn't know how to communicate that to you since men want to be fixers.

Blood. I find myself looking for blood every time I go to the bathroom. Yes, every time. I will even turn the light on at night, convinced that I am miscarrying. I'm not sure why I do this- and I feel crazy every time I look, and even more so admitting it- I've never experienced a loss this way so it seems completely irrational...but at the same time I can't help myself. My only rationale is that I've convinced myself the pregnancy will end in heartache so I look for the first possible sign.

Fear. I am excited at the possibility of having another baby, but I have a hard time believing that the positive pregnancy test will result in a healthy, alive baby in my arms. I am terrified of having to say another goodbye. I'm pretty sure it would kill me and that I wouldn't survive another heartache. I so desperately want to believe in a happy ending, but fear grips my heart and I struggle to emotionally accept the pregnancy.

Anxiety. I worry about everything, it's a constant battle. I try not to and I may have good moments, but there is always a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of the what ifs. If I'm not tired/nauseous/craving something, I worry that I'm no longer pregnant. I worry about lab results and ultrasounds send me over the edge with high blood pressure and near panic attacks. If I don't feel the baby move, I convince myself the baby has died. I may drink a coke to see if I can get the baby active, but then I worry that the coke will somehow harm the baby and then feel guilty about worrying and drinking a coke. Then I worry that the baby will be so active he/she will wrap the cord in a knot or around their neck. I try not to worry, but it's always there. I find myself turning to prayer a lot...

Sleep. This is one 'symptom' that literally had me wondering if I was losing my mind until I confessed at a subsequent support group. After I confessed my nightmares another woman reached across the table to grab my hand. With tears in her eyes, she reassured me that she too had similar dreams. What a blessing. I needed to hear that. I needed to feel normal in the most abnormal period of my life. Nightmares...sleep was a struggle, and when I slept I often woke from horrible dreams. My dreams consisted of holding/seeing dead babies, of hearing babies cry but never being able to find the baby or soothe the baby, of reliving the feeling of delivering a dead baby...it was awful. I would wake from these dreams in panic and convinced the baby was dead. There have been times I would take a pregnancy test in the middle of the night just to see the positive result, or used a fetal Doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat. These were lifesavers for me. This is one of those unspoken things...when people ask how you are doing, they don't really want to hear how crazy you feel or awful dreams like this....and I can tell you that when I've confessed this to family or friends, they get the deer-in-the-headlight-look because they don't know what to say. (bless their hearts, what do you say?!) But I know I'm not alone, so hopefully my confession helps a mother feel normal about the roller coaster of a subsequent pregnancy.

Guilt/Excitement. I want to be excited about the new baby but when fear is overwhelming, I feel guilty that I'm not announcing to the world my pregnancy on Facebook or wearing "baby on board" shirts. I feel guilty that my excitement and anticipation is balanced with fear and anxiety. I wonder if that means I love the baby less, or if that makes me a bad mother? But I know in my heart that I love the baby so much that I'm not sure I could survive saying goodbye. I struggled with having a baby shower during my first subsequent pregnancy, but was finally convinced to have one prior to my due date. After the shower I looked at everything, then packed it up in bags and closed the closet door. There was no nesting period. It's not that I wasn't excited, but I didn't want to set myself up for heartache. I felt guilty that I was already failing my baby by not being a good mom. And if it hadn't been for a handful of girlfriends I would have had nothing ready for my baby. They washed the clothes, put together the crib, put the car seat in my car, and packed my hospital bag. I was afraid that if I did those things, I would jinx it and then have to deal with putting those things away after the baby died. Even now in my 3rd subsequent pregnancy I find myself doing the same thing. I have two boys and we are pregnant with a little girl. I will have good moments where I have bought cute girl clothes, then come home and hide them away in my closet. I shake my head thinking I'm being ridiculous, but then I hear the little voice in the back of my head....

Detachment. I find myself saying things like, "If we make it to the due date...." or "If we have a baby..." I have difficulty accepting the pregnancy and then feel like the ultimate failure as a mother because I have convinced myself this pregnancy will end in heartache. I've tried to hide my baby bump and pretend I'm not pregnant. When people ask me how I'm feeling I usually respond with, "Pretty good." Then think to myself, I'm pregnant? You mean I didn't each too much pizza and that isn't a gas pain? When planning things in the future I have to make a conscious thought about how far along I will be in my pregnancy (if it continues) and then pencil it in. I don't want anything to be set in stone because I know it's not guaranteed that we'll have a baby.

Don't call the psychiatrist....at least, not yet....
These are some of the 'big' issues I've struggled with throughout my subsequent pregnancies. Maybe I've scared the crap out of you. Maybe you think I've totally lost my mind. Or maybe you can relate to some of the above scenarios. Either way, please don't judge me or any other woman who has gone through a subsequent pregnancy. It's hard and 40 weeks is a long time to be on an emotional rollercoaster. I have to find humor in some of the things I do, I have to laugh at myself because if I don't I may cry. But I pray that at the very least someone reading this will be reassured they aren't crazy, and turn to prayer to help you through.

1 Peter 5:6-7 ESV
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Revelation 21:4 ESV
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

1 Peter 5:10 ESV
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

John 14:27 ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

It's not business, it's personal.

2014-01-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently experienced a miscarriage and my heart has been hurting for them...It's funny how God places things on my heart & I feel compelled to write about it. Then, this week I received a Doppler request from a special couple. They have experienced 3 miscarriages and are currently pregnant with their 4th pregnancy. They have no living children. She wrote to me thanking me for the service Beats for Bristol provides. She told me how her family, friends, and her doctor brush aside their losses and don't validate her feelings of grief, guilt, devastation, and anxiety. Her doctor has the business-as-usual attitude about pregnancy loss and she is tired of hearing

the common go-to responses people so quickly use.....

*Miscarriages are common, almost everyone experiences one.

*You're young, you can have another baby.

*Something must have been wrong with it, so it's better this way.

And on and on they go....I'll give people the benefit of the doubt that they often try to be comforting or reassuring, but in their ignorance, they are usually the opposite to the grieving mother.

I reassured this mother that her feelings were valid & while miscarriage may be statistically common, it doesn't take into account the personal side of that pregnancy.

So let's get strait to the point....

Miscarriage is different for everyone.

We experienced an early miscarriage prior to our pregnancy with Bristol. And while it was a loss, it was a different experience for me personally. We didn't know we were pregnant until after the loss had happened. I never had a positive pregnancy test, and therefore I never emotionally attached myself to the pregnancy. So when our loss happened, I was shocked...but also somewhat detached (if that makes sense). But working with women who experience pregnancy loss, my heart hurts every time I hear thoughtless or cold remarks, or talk to a mother who feels isolated because her feelings aren't socially accepted. People openly grieve all types of losses- pets, jobs, relationships, cancer- but apparently we aren't allow to grieve the loss of a baby because it's common. I don't care what statistics say, losing a baby, pregnancy loss, miscarriage - whatever you want to call it- is not normal or common.

It's personal. And everyone has a different experience.

To the couple who has been trying to conceive for months, years even, miscarriage can be heartbreaking. To the couple who has undergone rounds of fertility treatment, miscarriage can be devastating. To the couple who has experienced prior losses, miscarriage can be traumatizing. And to others, it may mean something else.

The instant a woman is pregnant, she starts planning for her baby. Dreams begin and hope fills the heart. So when a pregnancy ends, those dreams & hopes are shattered. Nothing can get them back, and nothing makes it better.

So instead of downplaying miscarriage, or treating it like a regular, daily thing- think about what you say-

and how you say it.

Simply say, "I'm sorry. I will keep you in my prayers."

Don't remind them that statistically

25% of pregnancies end in loss.

Who cares about statistics when it's you?

When talking with my friend she told me what her brother said about her loss. I don't know all the details surrounding their conversation, but my heart jumped in my throat when she said he told her, "It was just a miscarriage. Get over it." What hurtful words and (in my opinion) immature & ignorant perspective. That attitude reminds me of The Godfather and a clip from You Got Mail (1998 Meg Ryan movie). But if you think about it, people have the "it's not personal, it's business" attitude when it comes to a lot of things. Unfortunately, as our culture evolves, it seems we drift away from the personal side of things....and some things need to stay personal.

So in the spirit of Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) let's get back to being personal. Life is precious. And all of us have hopes & dreams that are personal to us. Instead of, it's not personal, it's business attitude, let's embrace, it's not business, it's personal attitude. Because whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.

Still Standing

2013-12-18T20:04:00.001-08:00

Today is Bristol's 4th Heavenly birthday. It's hard to explain how it seems like yesterday and so long ago at the same time.

But this year, for many reasons, was different.

Each year I seem to have my breaking point a few days before her birthday (the 18th), and last year I was a total train wreck for 3 days straight. I remember sobbing so hard driving home from the cemetery that I didn't think I would survive. The kind of hurt that makes you physically ill. Last year, the deep pain of knowing that I never kissed Bristol really tore at me and I felt like the ultimate failure as a mother. I was finally able to forgive myself after Brad 'reminded' me that we had so little time with her & that we were in total shock. (I know these things, but the combination of grief & guilt equals crazy & irrational.) I remember a conversation with a friend who had a loss a year prior to Bristol about how she was 'okay' last year- the 4th anniversary. I remember thinking, I'll never be like that, look at the mess I am now.

But this year was different.

Last week kicked off a wave of crazy-stressful in our house. Colton had his 4th swallow study followed by 4 straight days of dr visits, ER trips & walk in clinics. In the end, Brody was diagnosed with croup and some type of infection...oh, and a broken clavicle after a late night fall-out-of-bed from a coughing fit. Colton was diagnosed with a sinus infection & reactive airway disease, on top of his other medical issues. My brain has focused on antibiotic schedules, breathing treatments, fevers, snotty noses, and keeping Brody's arm in the sling. Sleeping was/is a rarity and my days are full of tired and fussy kiddos who don't want to share mommy. So an emotional breakdown just wasn't going to happen. I was able to visit her grave this past weekend & put some flowers there, which brought about a sense of peace that I needed.

One of the biggest things I have struggled with is moving "on" in the sense that Bristol (and our pregnancy with her) will be forgotten. Our child loss experience was terrible- and has been a motivating factor in helping other women who experience a loss. I never want someone to go through what we did. Not only did it change me, but it affected our families & friends, changed relationships, and nearly destroyed our marriage. How could something so impactful, be forgotten so easily? Well, I hope it never is. Not just for my own loss, but for yours. Or your friend-neighbor-coworker who has experienced the loss of a child. I pray & hope that their baby will never be forgotten in your world....because I know for the mother, she carries that pain of empty arms in her heart.

If you know me, you know that birthdays are a big deal to me. I tend to go overboard on the boys birthdays. Something deep within me wants me to make them feel loved & extra special on their birthday. It's their day, and I want it to be everything it could possibly be. But how do you celebrate the day your baby was born sleeping? It's not an easy task and nothing that I've done the last few years has felt 'right.' Today is Bristol's birthday. A day that 4 years ago I didn't think I would survive, or even if I wanted to. A day that brought the worst news I could imagine, yet jump started a "new" me. A day that is filled with mixed emotions.
Am I sad? Yes.
Heartbroken? Yes.
Thankful? Yes.
And yet, when I look back on this journey, I'm still standing. I have survived and moved forward in a way that I never thought possible. Thanks to a loving God, he healed me and has filled me with a joy & motivation that I couldn't do on my own. If it were up to me, I would have stopped breathing on that hospital bed when the dr said, "One more push honey, and this will be over with." If it were up to me, Brad wouldn't have been home to save me the day I hemorrhaged. If it were up to me, she never would have died.

But it isn't up to me. Losing a child (or a loved one) is the ultimate reminder that we are not in control. This is God's plan, not ours. And even when we have trials, we have to be reminded that "all things work for the good of those who love Him." It rolls off the tongue like icing on a cake, but when you are in that moment, it's incredibly hard to believe that this is part of His plan. I guess that's the root of faith. But I have learned that taking that leap of faith brings incredible blessings, new found peace & understanding, and an unexplainable joy to life. So I encourage you, if you don't have a relationship with Christ...if you have walked away or let trials pull you away, open your heart again. Just as you may long to hold your loved one, He longs to hold you in His arms.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed. Psalms 34:18

Today was 'okay' in the best sense of being okay is on a day like today. I was filled with peace instead of grief, but was able to cry & grieve in a way that was different than the last few years. I say this not to make you think, "Finally, she's over it." but as a way to give hope to other mothers. Yes, I had my moment of closed door crying on the floor. But I was able to stand up, wipe my tears away, and actually celebrate. This year we had a birthday party. We made cupcakes, got balloons, and had presents. We sang Happy Birthday and Brody helped blow out the candles. The boys opened prayer books (thanks to their Meemo) and Brad opened his gift....the welcome packet from our sponsor child through World Vision. Each year I try to do something special because I'm not sure what else to do. My mom sponsored a little girl through World Vision so I decided to find out more. The boys and I searched their website and found a little girl who was born December 18, 2009...she was perfect. I talked to the boys about sponsoring this child and we went to the store to buy her a gift. Brody was excited to buy presents for his "sister."

She is beautiful and perfect. In a way, I will get to nurture & care for her, watch her grow, pray for her, and bless her. And my dad signed up to sponsor a child through World Vision too. He chose another little girl with this birth date. How awesome that three little girls & families across the world are being blessed in Bristol's name? How awesome that women & families across the US & Canada are being blessed in Bristol's name through Beats for Bristol & The Bristol Project? How awesome that God has used me to reach out to other women who are hurting?

How blessed am I that God chose me to be her mother?

One of the greatest promises is knowing, that if I live my life right, I will get to spend forever with Bristol. One day I will get to hold her & kiss her. What a glorious day that will be! But until then, happy birthday sweet baby. I love you more than words can say.

A Thankful Heart

2013-11-28T05:48:00.001-08:00

I haven't been able to sleep thinking about what happened yesterday in the Kroger check out line...I need to vent, a soap box of sorts...and since my heart is too word-y for a Facebook post, here goes (it's been a while since I've used this blog as an emotional outlet!)...

It's that time of year when we focus on thankfulness...we celebrate what we are thankful for, the blessings in our life, and we set aside time for family. It's also an emotionally hard time of year for those who have lost loved ones. It's no secret that Nov-Dec are 'tough' for me as I walk the line between joy and sadness. Today is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is Brody's 3rd birthday. And in a few weeks, we will celebrate Bristol's 4th heavenly birthday. Am I thankful? You bet'cha...but I'm also a little sad.

The more I talk with other women/families who've experienced a loss, the more normal I feel when it comes to the emotional side of me. When I look in my rear view mirror, I often wish that 3rd car seat was there. As I give the boys a goodnight kiss, I wonder what life would be like if Bristol had lived. When I fold laundry, a piece of me wishes there was a pink something to fold. I think it's natural. I am a mother and I love my children. Just because Bristol died doesn't mean I don't love her. And even though blessings have come from her death, doesn't mean I wouldn't change it for the world. I would give anything to hold her in my arms & smother her with kisses. But until that day comes, I will move forward. Notice I said forward, not, I will move on. There is a difference. I don't think anyone ever really moves on after saying goodbye to a baby. We are mothers. We love our children and from the moment we know we are pregnant we start having hopes and dreams for that child. So when our dreams are shattered at the news our baby has died, I don't think we can ever put the pieces back together completely because a piece is missing. We will never be the same- regardless of how well we may present ourselves on the outside.

Through Beats for Bristol, I talk with about 3 families per week who have experienced a loss and are experiencing a subsequent pregnancy. Unless you've been through one, you won't understand the emotional roller coaster another pregnancy is for the family. (That's a whole other topic for a future blog...so I'll keep going) What I find is that too often grieving mothers are hurting more during a subsequent pregnancy because they don't know how to answer "those" questions....Is this your first pregnancy? How many children do you have? Oh I bet you are hoping he/she will get to be a big brother/sister.....These seemingly innocent questions are HARD for a mother who has said goodbye to a baby. As women we are emotional protectors & fixers, we don't want others to hurt. So women end up shoving their emotions back down their throats and answering politely to whomever asked this question. Their life goes on, but the mother who just answered walks away broken and hurting. She feels awful, sad, and is hurting. She feels like she is denying the baby she buried, because she didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings. I pray you never have to be in those shoes because it sucks. There is no good way to answer...you either smile and answer politely, or answer honestly which usually results in an "I'm sorry" awkward response.

Brad & I were talking about this the other night...about answering "those" questions. He made the comment that it's easier for him (& I think this is true for most men) to just answer that we have 2 little boys because he doesn't want to create an awkward or hard conversation. But that is exactly my point. Why can't we answer honestly? Why can't we answer honestly and be received with grace instead of awkward silence? The simple answer is because babies aren't supposed to die and people don't know how to handle that reality. But what gets me is that people talk about everything else. Scroll through Facebook or listen to the conversations around you in a check out line. You will hear about bowel movements, drunken nights, arguments, parenting problems, medical issues, job crisis, sex lives, relationship drama, hardships, and death. We talk about fighting cancer, childhood diseases, death of beloved pets, but we can't talk about babies dying. We can't go there.

But the reality is that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss. Chances are you or someone you know has been affected by pregnancy loss. But maybe you don't know because we don't talk about it.

When we lose loved ones to disease, we raise money for awareness. We shave our heads or grow mustaches for a month. We sport pink ribbons to 'remember'. It's almost fashionable to raise awareness and 'save the boobies'. When we lose loved ones, we extend sympathy...we send cards, flowers, & prepare meals. We go out of our way to let people know we are thinking about them and praying for them. We ask them how they are doing. We even send cards to people whose pets die. We aren't afraid to talk about it, keep pictures around, and grieve openly. But if a baby dies, we act like nothing happened. We ignore it like it never happened. And it baffles me.

Grieving mothers aren't socially allowed to grieve their loss. Instead, there is an unspoken expectation to move on. We pretend like it didn't happen for the sake of someone else, all the while hurting on the inside. Don't believe me? Think I'm making something out of nothing? Ask a mother who has buried a baby...really talk to them and see what's in their heart. I bet I'm not far off from the feelings they carry.

So what happened yesterday at Kroger? It's been a busy week preparing for Thanksgiving, Brody's birthday party, and getting some Christmas shopping completed. As I strolled the aisles I started thinking about all the blessings in my life. I am so thankful for my children. I know many women who've walked the road of fertility struggles & not held a baby of their own. But helping women through Beats for Bristol keeps the reality of child loss ever present. I was thinking about when I was going to take flowers up to Bristol's grave and mentally running through my to-do list. So when the cashier saw my pictures of Brody & Colton in my wallet she brought me back to the moment. Her innocent comment of, "You have such beautiful boys. But I bet you are ready for a little girl." caught me off guard and tears filled my eyes. Her questioning eyes pulled at my heart and I managed to say, "We had one, but she died." As I walked away I let the tears stream down. I know she was caught off guard and felt bad. But I did too.

So there's my soap box. I'm tired of feeling like I need to protect someone else. I'm tired of acting like my pregnancy with Bristol never happened. I'm tired of acting like we never had a baby that died. I'm tired of acting like time makes it ok. The reality is, I'm a new person. My heart was forever changed when we learned Bristol died. And while I am ok & have learned to move forward, I haven't moved on. A piece of my heart has died and I'll never get it back. I don't need a hug & I don't need to talk about it everyday, but I do want to raise awareness of sorts...to help break the silence....to help mothers feel ok to acknowledge their dead baby (there I said it, dead baby)...and to help others learn to respond with grace instead of awkward silence.

Today is Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? There are not enough words to describe the gratitude in my heart. I am thankful for my family, my children, and the love God bestows upon us. I'm thankful that through Jesus I will have the opportunity to hold Bristol in my arms again. I will have to wait until Heaven, but I'm thankful for that promise....I'm thankful that goodbye, didn't have to be goodbye forever.

As we launch into this holiday season, I hope that you will keep in mind the grieving mother. Perhaps you know a friend, co-worker, or neighbor who has experienced the loss of a baby. I pray that you will keep her in your prayers. She may only hang two stockings instead of three. She may have a closet of gifts that will go unopened. She may have anticipated 'baby's first Christmas' that won't happen. She may wear a smile for the sake of someone else. But know that she may be hurting.

She may be thankful for many things, but there is also a part of her that is a little sad.

kisses....

2012-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

Happy 3rd Birthday Bristol...
This year we started a new tradition for Bristol's birthday. The past 2 years our family has gotten together for pizza and I would allow myself some alone time...time to look at her pictures, read through cards that were sent, and look at her memory box. I would buy a dozen roses, place them by her picture and light a memorial candle for 24 hours. I gave myself time to reflect on her short life, my pregnancy with her, and how her life changed me. But this year was different. We moved in September so many of those things are boxed away, the pizza place went out of business, and we buried Bristol this past summer. So the question lingered of how to celebrate & remember...

Earlier this week I decided that I would take a dozen roses to her grave and spend some time there. I would have preferred to have some 'alone' time for that trip, but Brad's work schedule wasn't conducive for that. So this morning I told Brody we were going to pick out some flowers and visit Bristol's grave, then he gave me a hug. God bless that little kid...he was especially sweet today (after a rotten day yesterday filled with typical 2 yr old behavior) but I'm going to believe his sister was nudging him to be kind to mommy :) As I was getting things ready to leave Brody positioned himself next to his bookshelf- he likes to sit and look through all his books- but today he found one that I didn't even know was on his shelf..."The One Who Came Before You"...it was the book the hospital gave us after Brody was born. I had never really looked at it before, and I know Brody hadn't seen it either. But he sat there turning the pages and pointing to the baby angel. Then he asked me to sit down, so I looked at the book with him. I told him that Bristol was the baby angel and we were going to see her grave today. He kept saying 'ristol' and it took every ounce not to break down when looking into his sweet brown eyes.

We got to the store and I told Brody to help me pick out some flowers for Bristol. He grabbed the first bunch of roses he could reach- which happened to be gorgeous white roses with pink edges. They were perfect. And then we made our way to the cemetery. Both boys fell asleep on the drive so I was able to have some "me" time and allowed myself to shed a few tears before pulling through the cemetery gates. I was actually quite proud of myself. I laid down her roses & talked to God...and talked to Bristol. It was peaceful, perfect, and for the first time in a long time, I felt close to God. I left with a heavy heart about what all we will miss out on with Bristol, but also filled with hope and encouragement. Brody and Colton are true gifts from God and fill my life with such joy, I will forever be grateful for them. And Bristol is my constant reminder to teach the boys to love and seek Jesus and for me to live a life according to His will, so that I can be joined with her on the streets of gold. God is good, all the time, even when we don't understand it. As I sit here and reflect on Bristol's 3rd heavenly birthday, all in all it was a good day.

Saturday, however, was not. Saturday was my breaking point. It seems to be a recurring theme- I have a major meltdown about three days before Bristol's birthday, and this year was no different. Saturday morning I left to run some errands. Coming off an emotional roller coaster from the tragedy in CT on Friday, my emotions were high and tears were a constant on the brim of my eyes. I had to go to Franklin so I decided to stop by Bristols' grave on my way back home- I thought I should take advantage of some alone time. My mom had made a flower arrangement for her grave so I took it with me. And as I stood there looking at her grave in the rain I don't know what happened...I completely fell apart. I think the culmination of emotions from the CT school tragedy, stress about Colton's medical issues, and Bristol's upcoming birthday hit me at once. The tears wouldn't stop and my crying turned to a full out sob session. The kind of gut wrenching crying where you can't stop, it hurts so much you think you'll be physically ill, and its hard to breathe. I managed to make it to my car and tried to pull myself together. I was so sad- and I haven't been that sad in a long time. I started my trek home but the tears didn't stop, I cried the entire hour drive home.

Every song on the radio somehow reminded me of Bristol. I started thinking about my pregnancy with her and her birth...I don't know that I've ever really delved into specifics about our hospital experience when she was born, but there were some awful things that happened. And suddenly I understood my sadness...I never got to kiss Bristol. It's a dagger in my heart just thinking about it. What kind of mother doesn't kiss her child? Especially when saying goodbye? Was Bristol's death a way of punishment? How could God entrust the lives of two precious little boys if I can't even kiss my dead child goodbye? My hurt didn't stop and I cried out to God...like I said, Saturday was not a good day. When I got home Brad asked me what was wrong. And again I collapsed in his arms. I told him I felt like a terrible mother because I never kissed Bristol. What kind of a mother doesn't kiss her own child?! I told him how I felt like a total failure as a mother and that nothing I could do would make it better. Is she in heaven looking down on me and saying, "my mom didn't even kiss me goodbye?" Does she know how much I loved her, yearned for her, and miss her?

Brad just held me, wiped my tears away, and told me what I knew in my heart, but desperately needed to hear. "You are not a terrible mother. You can't judge anything about when Bristol was born. To say we were in shock is an understatement. We didn't even know what was happening. In 24 hours we found out she had died, induced labor, she was born, and we were sent home. I can't hardly remember that day, it's all a blur. We only held her a couple times and didn't even know they were taking her away until it was already done. You are a good mother and yes she knows how much you love her." All this I knew deep down, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it until I heard him say it out loud.

Perhaps our painful experience is why I feel so driven to help comfort families who experience the loss of a child. And maybe this is why I kiss Brody & Colton hundreds of times a day. Every inch of my heart wants my kids to know they are loved and cherished. And regardless of how frustrating and trying they can (and will be) I will never miss an opportunity to kiss them and tell them I love them. As I stood at Bristol's grave today, I told her I was sorry I didn't get a chance to kiss her hello and goodbye...but I promised her that when I get to heaven, it will be the first thing I do.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

2012-12-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a year since I last published a post...and what a year it has been. Brad & I found out last Christmas that we were expecting again. And so began another pregnancy filled with anticipation, anxiety, and excitement. I know that God is ultimately in control, but I have a hard time laying down my fears & anxieties...perhaps knowing all that can happen or go wrong adds to my constant worry. I've been blessed to help many women throughout the US, Canada, and the United Kingdom with the doppler rentals through Beats for Bristol. But that also means I continue to be educated on another heartbreaking incident of infant loss...one that I take to heart and pour what I can into helping another grieving family.

Laid to rest... This past year I struggled with what to do with Bristol's remains. We had kept her ashes in a special box in our home, but as Brody got older and more active (ie. into things) I worried that he might get into her remains. And I wasn't sure I could handle that. So I approached Brad with the idea of burying her, something we had previously decided against. But things fell into place...my mother gave us two burial plots (so we could be buried with her when the time came), Brad's friend designed her gravestone for cost, and my dad is the trustee of the cemetery...we were able to bury her, the way we wanted, for almost no $. Truly a blessing. And her gravestone is perfect.
So on a very hot July 4th morning at 7 + months pregnant, we buried our first born.

Such a special moment...Brad telling Brody about his sister before helping him cover her ashes..

I thought I would be "ok" when we buried her. I had countless conversations with the cemetery, our family, the funeral home, and the monument company and never had an emotional breakdown. I think I had my mind set that "this is what we're going to do and everything will be fine" attitude. It's a strange thing to plan a burial for your child...and since Bristol had passed 2 1/2 years ago, I had convinced myself that this was no big deal. But the actual moment of laying her ashes in the ground took my breath away and broke my heart all over again. I didn't want to let go, walk away, or cover what remained of her with dirt. Standing over her grave pregnant, with Brad & Brody by my side was a reminder of what we had lost, what we have, and how little control we really have. Since Bristol was born, the only time she was 'away' from us was when she was taken to the funeral home by the hospital. Since then she had been with us at home, and even secretly traveled places in my suitcase (just in case our house burned down while we were gone). But now I had to leave- I had to walk away and leave her ashes in the ground. My feet felt heavy and if it hadn't been 90 degrees my family might have let me stay. But the combination of heat, emotions, and being pregnant got the best of me. My family walked me to the car to leave...where I passed out and threw up just a few miles away from the cemetery. (I think I gave my father-in-law & mother a good scare.) Looking back, burying her was almost as hard as delivering her...I think because there is a finality at the cemetery and somehow I worry that now that she is 'gone' she will be forgotten.

But I know that isn't true...her earthly legacy lives on through Beats for Bristol, Inc. and The Bristol Project. And most importantly, she is a part of our family and my love for her is always in my heart. As time has passed, the hurt of losing our first child has changed...I wouldn't say that I am "over it" as some people have said, but rather I have learned to love & grieve her while picking up the pieces. As Brody gets older and Colton was born this past August, I think the sting that hurts the most now is knowing what we missed out on with her. Watching Brody grow up (a big 2 year old now!) and the excitement of a new baby, reminds me of the memories we didn't get to make. Brody & Colton bring immense joy to my life, my heart just swells thinking of how much I love them. And I am so blessed to be at home with them- spending every day watching them grow, change, learn, laugh...I can't imagine losing them. My biggest fear is something awful happening to them and having to say goodbye. But this fear also reminds me of my most important job...to teach my children about Jesus, to teach them to love Him so that one day we will all be together for eternity.

Colton Bradley Sparks, Aug 6th 2012

Big Brother Brody...this kid keeps me busy! But has the BIGGEST heart!

Tis the season of Christmas music...I'm not sure where I was the other day but I heard the song about "It's the most wonderful time of the year" and the first thought that entered my head, was

NO it's NOT! November & December are emotional months for me, filled with happy and sad memories... November was when I last heard Bristol's heartbeat, but it's also the month Brody was born. December is when we learned Bristol died and she was born, but it's also my favorite holiday and one filled with many happy memories. As I was reflecting on Christmas, and the true meaning of the holiday I was overcome with mixed emotions....let me explain. I know how heartbroken I was when we learned Bristol had died...our dreams were shattered in that moment. And I know how utterly crushed I would be if something happened to my precious little boys...but GOD knew his son was going to die. His heart was shattered when his children didn't believe in Him, so he sent his SON to DIE for US so that we may be with him for eternity. Wow, that's LOVE. I can't imagine looking down on that cross and watching my son die...I can't imagine the hurt he must have felt contradicted with the overwhelming love he had for his children, for us....So as I enter into this season filled with mixed emotions, I am reminded of God's never ending love. Just as I will never stop loving or missing Bristol, God never stops loving us or yearning for us to love him.

Bristol's 3rd Birthday is just a couple weeks away and I'm not sure how we'll 'celebrate' this year.. I know December 17th and 18th will always be bittersweet, but maybe I will also be reminded that

"it's the most wonderful time of the year"...

One of the greatest joys is watching Brody love on his brother Colton...it warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes. Brotherly love...these two little guys are heaven sent, earthly reminders of their older sister who waits for us. As we approach her birthday I will be encouraged...to teach my children to love Jesus, to love one another, and to hold hope in the promise of Heaven. One day we will be united for eternity and when that time comes, it will always be the most wonderful time of the year.

Legacy

2011-12-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

From the moment of conception, we are mothers. From the instant pregnancy is confirmed, we make plans and our dreams unfold. Then, in a moment's time, our world shatters. Our stories are all different, but our pain is the same. We are mothers who will forever grieve the loss of our children.

♥ Bristol Sparks born into Heaven on December, 18th 2009 ♥

Two years ago my dreams were shattered, my heart broken, and my life changed. They say that time heals pain, and I wonder if years down the road December 17th & 18th will pass with just a short pause to remember our first child. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Bristol in some way...and I hope that even in years to come, I never forget. Not because I want to relive that pain, but because I want to remember all the awesome blessings that were born out of her short life.

* I committed my life to Christ and was baptized a few months after Bristol was born. Through her life and death, I gained eternal life by truly believing in my Savior.

* Brad & I raised over $1000 for TinyHeartbeats in honor of her 1st Heavenly birthday. Because of those funds, many women across the U.S. will have peace of mind during their subsequent pregnancy with the use of a fetal doppler.

* Beats for Bristol, Inc. was founded this year and has already touched the lives of dozen of families by raising awareness for prenatal loss and providing free doppler rentals to women who have experienced the loss of a child. We also send pregnancy devotionals to doppler recipients and hope to minister to women in a special way.

* The Bristol Project of The Zoe Foundation, Inc. (http://www.zoe-foundation.org/) was born this year as well. The Zoe Foundation provides financial assistance for burial/funeral arrangements for families who have experienced the loss of a child. Because of our Indiana Chapter (The Bristol Project) many families will be comforted in a time of need.

* Some people have told me, that my faith throughout this experience has inspired them to seek a closer relationship with Christ. What an awesome blessing- for others to know and love Him- through this storm.

As I've prepared emotionally for Bristol's upcoming birthday, I have been torn by what to do and what, if anything, is appropriate. I have felt so strongly about doing something...and as I've reflected on why, I realized that I'm afraid if we do nothing, then no one will remember our first pregnancy. That her short life/death will be forgotten and therefore meaningless. I'm terrified that this journey, that piece of my heart, and everything that has happened since, will become a distant memory.

Two people- both mother's who have angels waiting in heaven- have told me this week that Bristol's life has touched and impacted many other lives. This simple reminder touched my heart in such a way that I was overcome with peace. I don't have to worry about making sure people remember Bristol, because in her own way, her life is touching people in countless ways that I can't. Bristol's legacy has already begun, and I pray that it continues to impact lives for generations to come, long after I am celebrating her life in Heaven.

And in God's perfect timing, I've received four doppler requests this week alone! As I was communicating via email with one of the mother's she wrote this in her email:

I am so excited to hear from you! Oh I wish I could hug your neck! I have been glued to your website reading your story. What a great thing you are doing! I also can tell you are a believer and that warms my heart as well. Thank you for praying for me. This is such a blessing to me.

I cannot EVER repay you for what this means.

Thank you for allowing little Bristol to touch my heart too.

I cannot wait to meet her one day in heaven.

What an awesome thought...truly touched my heart, gave me chills, and brought tears to my eyes. As believers, we have the presence of God's Spirit to guide us to change, so the legacy we write in others' lives can be godly.

What makes greatness is starting something that lives after you.
- Ralph Sockman

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand.

- Woodrow Wilson

Our days are numbered. One of the primary goals in our lives should be to prepare for our last day. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. What preparations should we be making now? The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.”

― Bill Graham

What makes greatness is starting something that lives after you.

PROMISES

2011-11-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

I am in a funk. I'm not sure if it's turning 30, issues at work, the recent changes in our battle to get pregnant, getting our house ready to sell, or the anticipation of getting through another December 17 & 18...quite possibly the combination of all these really has me on the verge of depression. I keep trying to be positive, upbeat, and optimistic, but the devil sure has a good grip on my thoughts and I find myself talking through moments everyday to fight back tears and give up. The other day my daily calendar had this quote:

"Head up, shoulders back, thoughts positive, heart set on the promises of God." Only to be followed up by, "He is the God who keeps every promise" the very next day.

His timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Last month, I saw the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. This picture doesn't do it justice. I have never seen a rainbow where I could see both the ends of it, and have never seen a double rainbow. I saw this rainbow on October 14th- I remember because it was the day before our National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day Walk. I was a mix of emotions- excited about our walk, sad about remembering Bristol, anxious to get through that day, and feeling defeated with another month of unsuccessful fertility treatment. I walked out of CVS and saw the most beautiful rainbow...it took my breath away and I couldn't take pictures quick enough to capture this awesome sight. And then tears started to flow. Here I was having a pity party for myself, and God blesses me the most beautiful example of His love and never ending promises for us!

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5:6-7

Seeing this rainbow put me in my place- it got my focus rearranged, humbled me, reminded me of His awesome power & glory, and reminded me that our trials here on earth are for one purpose...to serve a greater glory for His kingdom. This sure is a hard lesson for me, and one I continue to battle with...I know it's selfish of me to not want to have struggles and trials, especially the ones I continue to face, but then again, who does? I feel like I am constantly reminding myself that what I face, is just part of my journey, and if I can share with others about God's love, faithfulness, and mercy, then that is what it's all about...NOT ME. (As I write that, I hear my Beth Moore bible study ranting on about our current day Babylon and our self centered culture.)

Here is a picture of my precious Bristol, I've never really shared photos of her before...

Last week after hearing the Dugger Family news of welcoming a 20th baby to their family, I got out my memory box of Bristol. I was really upset (maybe hateful and jealous would be a better description) when I heard the news that they were pregnant, again! She must sneeze and get pregnant, and here I am jabbing my stomach with a needle 14 out of 28 days...have been through 3 pregnancies and have only to got to keep one here on earth....there I go again, my ugly selfish-pity party head raring...

On top of hearing this news, I have really struggled with some of the cases I am assigned to at work...long story short, I am surrounded by situations in which parents don't put their kids as a priority. I know several families who would love to have kids, and struggle to get or maintain a pregnancy. And yet, for others it seems so simple and at times an inconvenience. Heartbreaking to say the least.
Then it dawned on me this morning- the Duggers have constantly given praise to God for their children and the blessing of each additional pregnancy. Part of their journey (regardless of media attention, money, etc) is giving praise back to our creator, and maybe touching lives in unknown ways that will further His kingdom. Who am I to judge or say what their motives are? God knows, and in the end, that's all that matters.

This forces me to face the reality that perhaps fertility struggles are part of my journey. As much as I hate enduring this battle and feeling broken, it forces me to rely on faith, encourages a relationship through prayer, and allows an opportunity for a unique ministry. The loss of Bristol has allowed me to share my faith story with others, created new friendships with other women, and given me an opportunity to share about God's love and faithfulness. As Beats for Bristol continues to grow and gain recognition with other women, families, and organizations, I pray that God will use it to reach those who are hurting. It is in those most desperate times of need and hurt, that only a Savior can heal our hearts and change our lives.

"The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." Psalms 34:17

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3

Perhaps this current fertility struggle, gives me a new platform to share my personal struggle in banishing Satan's stronghold on my thoughts/fears/anxieties. Fertility can shake a person to the core, cause tension in marriages, and create jealousy between friends. But trusting in God's plan, and relying on His promises for us
can get us through those hardest moments. So as I begin another month of shots, I will try to maintain His promise as my focus. Thank goodness our Lord is a loving and forgiving Father...I know this will be a tough battle for me, but I also know that He loves me enough to never let go.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."
Isaiah 40:31

On my mind....

2011-10-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

If you didn't know this, let me tell you...October is a busy month. It's a month of awareness:
*Breast Cancer Awareness
*Domestic Violence Awareness
*National Pork Month
*Down Syndrome Awareness month... and the list goes on.

But closest to my heart is, National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness.
And one week from today will be October 15th, which is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I have been busy gearing up for our first annual Memorial Walk to celebrate all our babies, and honor the women & families who have experienced the loss of a child. In preparation of this event, my heart has been heavy...and I know the tears will flow. I found a couple of poems I would like to share, as they 'say it all' without me having to say it...

Thinking of You with Love

We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new.

We thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,

we often speak your name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in His keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we`ve wanted you.

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you,

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you.

But you didn`t go alone.

For a part of us went with you...

the day God called you Home.

~Author Unknown

Tears

If tears could build a stairway,

and memories a lane,

I'd walk right up to Heaven

and bring you home again.

No farewell words were spoken

no time to say goodbye

you were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness

and secret tears still flow,

what it meant to lose you,

no one will ever know.

~Author Unknown

emotionally vulnerable, physically broken

2011-08-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today has been a rough day...actually the last couple of weeks have been building up, and today was the culmination of sleep deprivation, stress, emotions, and hormones colliding. It didn't dawn on me until tonight, why I am experiencing another dip on this emotional roller coaster. It's August. August is the month we increased fertility treatment efforts and were able to get pregnant with Bristol. August is the month we had that first positive pregnancy test- and yes, August is the month of the Bristol NASCAR Race, where we discovered that positive pregnancy test. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Bristol, and certain dates and memories stand out. As we approach the end of the month, I am reminded of the joy, excitement, and anticipation we experienced learning of our pregnancy. Only to be followed by the incredible heartache that we endured, and the hurt that still lingers.

I don't think I fully admitted to anyone (including myself) of the anxiety I have felt knowing that silly NASCAR race is approaching. Brad is going to the race again this year. Last year I was able to skip the race because I was pregnant and the thought of a long ride in the truck, sleeping in a camper, hot walks, and being sober around a crowd of intoxicated rednecks was not my idea of fun. (I say this with a heart of humor!) But this year, I didn't have a good reason to miss the race (other than being away from Brody!!). And as it would happen, a girls trip got planned, so I will be taking Brody on a beach vacation the same weekend as the race. (I am so thankful that I will be surrounded by some great friends, on a weekend that will forever be stamped on my heart.) I know Brad wanted me to go to the race with him, but I couldn't find it in me, to return to that race track and face those memories. Last year, although these memories were present, I was pregnant and able to focus my energy on that. But this year resembles too much of that fateful August 2009 and perhaps, that is why I am battling my emotions.

A few months ago, I started fertility treatment again. The ups and downs of hormone therapy, blood work, ultrasounds, ovulation tests (all of which have been negative), the frustrations, and emotional turmoil are an all too familiar memory. This is what we went through to get pregnant with Bristol, and look what happened. I can't seem to release Satan's grasp on my fears. On one hand, it is an awesome reminder of what a blessing and (I truly believe) miracle baby that Brody is. But on the other, Satan's grasp has me asking questions...Is this a sign that Brody is meant to be our only earthly baby? Maybe this is God's way of saying this isn't meant to happen. And leads me to feeling even more emotionally vulnerable and physically broken. Taking large doses of hormones and fertility medicine, only to find that it doesn't work, is depressing. I recently finished the dose/regiment that was successful with Bristol, only I didn't ovulate this time. It brings out all the "d" words...depressing, defeated, disheartening, despair. Which in turn, has led me to try something different.

Hormone therapy and fertility treatment is not only expensive, but it isn't fun. It leaves you feeling like a train wreck, having hot flashes and major mood swings. A lady from church told me about her 'dr' and gently suggested I see him for fertility. She is a naturalist, and I say that with the utmost sincerity. So I decided to try something new...my body isn't responding to fertility treatment, so what do I have to lose? My first appointment was Tuesday and I learned a new word: alphabiotics. My follow up appointment was today, and my mother accompanied me to help watch Brody. She commented that the office was full of hippies, and maybe that's what comes to mind when I say "naturalist" and alphabiotics. But I have to say, there is something incredibly refreshing and reassuring when the dr talks about God, faith, and healing during a conversation about fertility.

In my short exposure to alphabiotics, I have learned that it is a cross of medical practice and religion. It is concerned about the damage that unrelieved stress can have on the body and focuses on correcting the structure of the body (by chiropractor), to improve function. (http://alphabioticinfo.com/) Brad calls it my 'voo-doo doctor', and others may remark that it's holistic, new age, or the like. I went into my initial appointment open minded and skeptical, but left feeling re-energized, reconnected, and encouraged. Everything he said during my initial exam, made sense. And I feel physically better than I have the past couple of months. I'd rather spend my money and feel better, than spend my money and feel like an emotional disaster! So who knows if this will be successful...I'd say my chances can't be any worse than continuing fertility meds that aren't working. One of the things the voo-doo dr said was that God created us with all the parts to reproduce, and there is a God given power within us to do that. He made us perfect in his eyes, and wants our bodies to be healthy. If we can focus on Him, reduce our stress and realign our bodies, then we (with the power of the holy spirit) will heal ourselves. Sound crazy or voo-dooish? Or does it sound like an incredible leap of faith? Right now, I think I want to work with the dr who will pray with and over me...

And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive.
Matthew 21:22

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillippians 4:6-7

Children of God

2011-06-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6jO7xhU_Pw

In my "job" I work with families receiving services from DCS (department of child services)...I supervise visitation with parents and work on parenting skills or other areas of need. Although this job can be challenging and emotionally straining, I absolutely love the work I do. It truly is a blessing to have a "job" that doesn't feel like work and allows an opportunity to see the impact you can have on other peoples lives. That said, there are also moments when I feel I am at a dead end road with a parent/family. After months of work, there are some situations where little or no progress has been made. This can be incredibly frustrating at times- when you consider the amount of time and effort you spend with a family, but see no fruit of your labor...

Yesterday was one of those days. I work with a young lady who has three children, is pregnant with her fourth, and is only 18. I sometimes feel at a loss of trying new methods, etc for making progress on her objectives....yesterday, I sat with her for more than two hours in the immediate care center because she was having some concerning symptoms while pregnant. She didn't seem overly concerned and would not have taken herself to see a doctor, so I took her to make sure both she and baby were ok. It was personally frustrating for me to see her lack of concern regarding the pregnancy, when we have experienced such heartache in this department. As the doctor sat down to express concern regarding the health of herself and baby, my heart ached as I watched this young lady show little concern over what the doctor was telling her.
I sat there wondering why God allows such situations? I know several mommies & families who have desperately tried to become pregnant, with no luck. Or other families who have experienced heartache in losing a little one. Why, I wondered, is it so easy for some? I sat there contemplating the unfairness of the situation and challenged God about these situations...

Then I remembered a sermon from a couple weeks ago. The preacher's words rang in my head, "Who are WE to challenge God? Could it be our own arrogance to think God owes us an explanation?" He posed the example: Why would God allow children to starve on Earth? But imagine that God asks us the same question, Why do we allow children to starve on Earth? Aren't we all children of God? Isn't our "job" here on Earth to take care of and love one another? God has infinite love and mercy. He gives us chance after chance to receive his love and forgives us for all our shortcomings. If God can do that for us, can't we show one another the same?

As I sat thinking about this sermon and applying it to this situation, I was overcome with new emotion and attitude. It doesn't matter if I think it's unfair for some so easily become pregnant while others struggle. Who am I to challenge our sovereign God. It's HIS plan and in HIS hands. We are all children of God. Perhaps, part of my role is to show this mother the same type of love and support God gives to us and continue to encourage her to become the best mother she can be. My job isn't to decide what's fair or to challenge God. It's to humbly serve, praise, and trust.

Where You Lead Me...

2011-05-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

When Bristol was born one of the quotes that I clung to in some of my darkest moments was, "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I have this quote on a plaque in my office and even though I walk by it multiple times daily, it has been catching my eye the last few weeks. Before, I relayed this quote to our loss of Bristol and my experiences that followed. However, my understanding and perception of this quote has changed as I've wrestled with unveiling God's will for my life.

The Bible has many references about knowing God's will and sorting through them can be overwhelming when we tackle such a deep issue for our personal lives. Here are just a few that have been tugging at my heart...

Isaiah 30:20-21 The Lord has given you sorrow and hurt like the bread and water you ate every day. He is your teacher; he will not continue to hide from you, but you will see your teacher with your own eyes. If you go the wrong way -to the right or to the left- you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the right way. you should go this way."
Psalm 32:8 The Lord says, "I will make you wise and show you where to go. I will guide you and watch over you."
John 7:17 If people choose to do what God wants, they will know that my teaching comes from God and not from me.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success."
Luke 6:46-49 Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord' but do not do what I say? I will show you what everyone is like who comes to me and hears my words and obeys. That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock. When the floods came, the water tried to wash the house away, but it could not shake it, because the house was built well. But the one who hears my words and does not obey is like a man who built his house on the ground without a foundation. When the floods came, the house quickly fell and was completely destroyed."

So where am I going with this? One of the things I have been praying about is for God to show me his will for my life, that I may be open and aware to what His will is for me. A few weeks ago I heard a sermon that touched on this very topic. The sermon talked about being open to the "where's" "what's" and "why's" in our lives and how God can use those moments and experiences to show us His will for our lives. We have so many distractions in this life and world, that sometimes we lose focus of what our real purpose is here in this world. I know I am guilty of this. Sometimes, we need it in black and white...no gray area for us to come up with excuses and reasons to not follow God's calling.

Ever since we lost Bristol, there has been an emptiness in my heart. Don't get me wrong, Brody is an AWESOME blessing and I'm not trying to down play how much I love that little guy! But I think any mom who has lost a child, can understand what I am saying. There is a part of you that will always hurt and grieve for your loss. Tiny Heartbeats was an organization that provided us with a fetal monitor during our pregnancy with Brody, and I am forever grateful for the peace of mind that accompanied having access to a doppler. As you know, we raised money in honor of Bristol for her 1st birthday. The success of our fundraising, and hearing how we had helped so many other women and families got me thinking and feeling that there was more I could do. I had been tossing around the idea of starting a similar non-profit in hopes to help more people. Tiny Heartbeats is based out of California and reaches women across the United States- as you can imagine there are a lot of women, and few organizations like this! One night at dinner I asked Brad what he thought about it. He kind of brushed me off and commented "in what spare time will you do that?" (I should note that he is a very supportive husband!!) I was disappointed that he didn't share my enthusiasm, but convinced myself that maybe he was right...I am working three jobs on top of being a mommy. Who did I think I was, superwoman?

I allowed negativity to convince me that I didn't have the time, energy, knowledge, or resources to start my own non-profit. It was a good idea, but not a realistic one...and it got taken off my list of things to do. But the thought kept nagging at me...and I felt as if I shouldn't completely walk away from the idea. So I decided to pray about it. Was this something God was leading me to do? How will I possibly find the time and resources to do this? Am I capable of creating an organization and all that it entails? I went to bed asking god to make his will clear and that I would know. My black and white moment came the following day. Brad and I were visiting another church, and one of the things the preacher touched on was God working through our lives for His will and greater purpose. The preacher talked about how God places us in different situations, and uses our unique experiences and situations to reach other people. Ah, ha! I got it God! (I guess I needed to hear two sermons to get his message!)

So, in a leap of faith I created "Beats for Bristol"...You can check it out at http://www.beatsforbristol.webstarts.com/
I relied on the scripture in Isaiah 30:20-21 The Lord has given you sorrow and hurt like the bread and water you ate every day. He is your teacher; he will not continue to hide from you, but you will see your teacher with your own eyes. If you go the wrong way -to the right or to the left- you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the right way. you should go this way."

The amount of positive response has been over-whelming and incredibly reassuring. God has filled me with a new energy and focus on getting this 'project' started and making it a reality! In less than a week, I've already had three women contact me about receiving a 'Beats for Bristol' doppler and received enough donations to purchase my first doppler! My heart is overflowing with gratefulness and enthusiasm.

I often get comments, emails, facebook messages, etc from people who have read this blog or heard "my story"...I love hearing from other people, especially when they say that my experience has somehow helped them. It truly makes my heart happy to know that God's grace through our personal tragedy, can work for the greater good of others. Someone told me that I was an inspiration by creating Beats for Bristol- and I don't feel worthy of such a compliment. It isn't "me" that's at work, it's God. He's the inspiration and motivation!

Music always has a way of stirring my soul, especially when I'm emotionally or spiritually thirsty. As I was driving to meet someone about a Beats for Bristol fundraiser, I truly listened to the words of "Offering" by Third Day.

Magnificent Holy Father

I stand in awe of all I see

Of all the things You have created

But still you choose to think of me.

Who am I that You should suffer

Your very life to set me free

The only thing that I can give you

Is the life You gave to me

This is my offering, dear Lord

This is my offering to You, God

And I will give You my life

For it’s all I have to give

Because You gave Your life for me

What an incredibly powerful song...to think that my life is an offering of gratitude for the eternal life that Jesus gave to me. And how selfish of me, of us, to ignore what He calls us to do! In no way am I perfect or will always "see" and respond to what God calls me to do, but I will continue to pray that He will allow me to see and know His will for my life. For the will of God will never lead you where the grace of God can not keep you.

Grand Prize

2010-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

A year ago today we learned that Bristol had died...a year ago tomorrow, she was born. Wow, what changes a year can bring. I have tried to prepare myself for the emotions that today and tomorrow will bring- I'm not sure if that's possible...but I can say, that I have both peace and sadness in my heart as today has arrived. Sadness about what we lost, about the could've beens, but peace in knowing she's in heaven, enjoying the glory that we patiently wait for. Brad and I were talking last night about Bristol...it amazes me how differently we handle, view, and experience things. While there isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of her at some point, Brad doesn't. Perhaps that's the difference between men and women, fathers and mothers, and carrying the life inside of you for 20 weeks. But as we were talking, Brad said something that really struck my heart. He said that even though he has moments of tears- he isn't sure why he's crying, because he isn't sad...I asked him to explain...he said that he has peace about Bristol because she got to go straight to the "grand prize", heaven. He said that knowing she's in heaven, experiencing a glory filled life with God, that he can't be sad about that. And how right he is! Is it completely selfish of me to be sad for all that I missed with her? What a change of heart his perspective brings...though I can be sad about our loss, I should find joy and peace in knowing she will never experience pain, heartache, and the like in heaven. In some way, I am able to find comfort from knowing she's watching us, that she's with us, that because of her, I renewed my faith in Christ and have the hope of heaven ahead of me.

Holding Brody in my arms has been an incredible blessing, but it has also reminded me of what we lost and will never get to experience with Bristol. But when I think about how we got Brody- I am confident that he is heaven sent. We wouldn't have had Brody, if we hadn't lost Bristol. We learned we were pregnant with Brody just a few weeks after Bristol was born- no fertility treatment, no stress, just pure surprise and joy! And to think of all the people who prayed for his safe arrival- he truly is a special blessing! Psalms 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord. I can't stop looking at him in total awe and amazement- he truly is a miracle baby...and perfect in every way.

Nothing about this journey has gone according to "plan"...a continuous reminder and challenge to have faith in God's perfect plan for us. We went to the hospital to be induced Thanksgiving night- however, the induction didn't work and we got sent home the following day. We returned to the hospital on Sunday to do a second induction, and by Monday morning- nothing had changed. Despite regular contractions, I wasn't dilating. I really wanted to have a vaginal delivery- I didn't want my only experience to be delivering a stillborn. But Monday morning I began to realize that what I wanted and reality were probably going to be different. By Monday afternoon nothing had progressed, and then Brody's heart rate started to drop. They put me on oxygen to make sure he was getting enough...at that point, I didn't care what my plan was, I wanted this baby out alive and well! I laid in the bed looking at Brad and the dr, and through my tears and oxygen masked, I prayed and begged God to keep Brody safe. At 3:20 the dr decided to take Brody C-section, and at 3:25pm he was born. The moment I heard him scream, a year of tears and emotion poured from my eyes. He was alive, THANK GOD!! Is it coincidence that Bristol was born at the same time...When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. God is so good- all the time- and sometimes I think we miss his blessings because they aren't in our "plan"...

When Brad brought Brody around the curtain for me to see- I have never seen a more beautiful, perfect, amazing baby before. He stopped crying and looked me in the eyes, when I kissed him, he sighed...my heart melted and gratitude and joy overflowed.

So as this day continues and tomorrow approaches, I am sure tears will fall, but hopefully some of those will be tears of joy. Joy for the blessing of children- both our children. Bristol changed our lives in many ways, and has touched the lives of many others. I can only imagine how our lives will change with Brody! She went straight to the "grand prize" and will be a constant challenge for us to live our lives so that we too, may reach the grand prize.

Psalm 136:1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

A Poem for Mommies with Angels watching over...

2010-12-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

My Mommy is a survivor or so I've heard it said. But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away... I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise! But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive. But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door... I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore. I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her... and show her that you care. For no matter what she says... no matter what she feels. My surviving mommy has a broken heart that time won't ever heal...

Auhor Uknown

Hallelujah

2010-11-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Hallelujah...after 67 weeks of being pregnant, tomorrow is finally the day we head to the hospital. We will start the induction process tomorrow evening and hopefully have our baby in our arms by Friday. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving night and I can't imagine a more perfect night to start the end of this journey- we have so much to be thankful for! As I reflect on all that has happened over the last year, I am thankful for the joys and the heartaches. The loss of Bristol has deeply affected me- changed me as a person- and I can be thankful for that transformation. God truly does work in amazing ways- only He has the power to bring good things from heartaches. I used to dread the Thanksgiving holiday- it always seemed to be a holiday of stress in my family...but this year will bring new meaning and joy to the holiday. A welcome reminder that regardless of any circumstance, we all truly have a lot to be thankful for.

As I sit here writing this, I am trying to sort through the plethora of emotions. I am thrilled and excited that we are finally close to having this baby in our arms and starting a new chapter in our family story. I am scared and terrified of the "what ifs" and know that even though we are close, nothing is guaranteed. My emotional cocktail has everything in the cupboard and today has been an emotional ride of ups and downs. I have tried to savor Brody's every movement, tried to lock those memories in of what it feels like to have him move inside me, and keep myself busy to focus on the positives. As we've approached the "date" my emotions have ranged from total emotional meltdowns (crying and sobbing, just wanting the baby out now while I know he's alive) to excited anticipation (cleaning and preparing for his arrival), and to fear of another delivery. Everyone says a subsequent pregnancy is a difficult, ever changing, emotional roller coaster...and it only seems to gets harder the closer you get to delivery.

I have found myself begging, pleading, and bargaining with God - Please keep this baby safe and healthy. Please bless us as we bring this baby into the world. Thank you for the blessing of life and the blessing of Bristol and Brody. Please, please let us keep him on this earth- at least for a little while. Please help me to be the person you have designed me to be- help me to be a good parent. Please don't make me hold another silent baby. Please don't make us say goodbye before we get a hello. I know you are a loving, gracious God, so you won't make us go through another heartache- right? And on they go...
These "moments" happen when I'm in the shower or driving- my quiet alone time. The other day I thought about what I was really praying- I wonder what God thinks about my desperate, selfish pleas? What is the prayer I should pray? I can't hide or change my feelings, but is it really appropriate to bargain or challenge God? His plans are already made- I can't change them- I need to have faith in his good and perfect plan, even if it's not the plan I want. You would think I would have learned this lesson by now, but apparently I am still work in progress.
This reminded me of a song I've heard a song on the radio- Better than a Hallelujah- and suddenly my desperate prayers didn't seem so selfish and out of line. Maybe God welcomes the honest cries of our hearts...

God loves a lullaby
in a mother's tears in the dead of night
better than a Hallelujah sometimes....

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Hallelujah!

Memories...

2010-11-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

On October 2, 2010 Brad and I participated in the Walk to Remember that was hosted by a local hospital. The walk was held for families who have lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, and early infant death. I learned about the walk from the support group I have been attending, and had heard wonderful things about it. With mixed emotions, Brad and I went not knowing what to expect. What we found and experienced that day was truly amazing. Hundreds of families had gathered to participate in the walk and memorial service that honored our lost little ones. As it happened, it was the 25th walk the hospital had sponsored, and the last walk the grievance coordinator would plan- as she is retiring this year. A friend told me that in 25 yrs it had never rained and had always had perfect weather...but that morning the weather was cold and rainy. I was disappointed- the rain and cold made the walk uncomfortable and put a damper on the memorial service that followed- or so I thought. As the grievance counselor started the memorial service she talked about the weather...she said she had dreamed and planned for so long to make this walk special, as it would be her last one. She said she was disappointed when she had woken to see the rain, but as she drove to the hospital where the walk was hosted, she said God reminded her that sometimes things don't go according to our plan, but to have faith in His plan. Like our own planning, excitement, and anticipation with our pregnancies and hopes for children, things didn't turn out how we wanted or expected...it had rained in our lives. Suddenly the rain seemed perfect and the memorial couldn't have been more wonderful. A program was given to each family that listed all the lost little ones- seeing the hundreds of names listed was a bittersweet reminder that we are not alone, even though it may feel like it at times. I was able to take refuge in seeing all the women and families who were there remembering their little ones, and my heart swelled as they read each name. During the ceremony they released three doves- one to remember the past, one for our present, and one to remind of us of what we have to look forward to. We will see our children again, but next time will be for forever in a perfect place. Each family was given a balloon to release- some families had written notes, names, and dates on their balloons- but all were to be released and sent upward to heaven. (I am typically opposed to balloon releases for environmental reasons, but we each took one anyways, and am so thankful we did.) As the balloons were released in a rain-filled sky, my tears fell with the same intensity as the rain. It was such a beautiful sight- hundreds of balloons going upward, sent with love in memory of our children. I couldn't help but wonder if all the children were looking down on us from heaven, is it possible the rain could have been their tears? I was saddened at the loss of Bristol, and all that we would miss with her, but I was also filled with peace in knowing all is as it should be. She is in heaven and one day I will see her again and hold her in my arms...and that is enough to keep me going.

~~~~~~~
As we approach the anniversary of Bristol's birth, Brad and I discussed how we were going to celebrate/remember Bristol. We didn't want the birth of a new baby to overshadow her day- a day that is forever implanted on our hearts. For this pregnancy, we were able to receive a doppler from Tiny Heartbeats...a non-profit organization that provides fetal monitors from women who have experienced a loss after 12 weeks. I learned from the founder that the organization only had about 50 monitors, thus many women were placed on a waiting list before receiving a doppler. Anyone who has experienced a subsequent pregnancy following a loss, knows how reassuring being able to hear the baby's heartbeat can be. We decided that we would raise money to donate to Tiny Heartbeats in honor of Bristol- so that other women and families could benefit from the same reassurance we have received during this pregnancy. We sent letters to family and friends asking for donations- and were overwhelmingly blessed to raise $1000.00 in donations! Our hearts were bursting with gratefulness and excitement as we sent the donations to Tiny Heartbeats. The founder was overwhelmed by our donation- and incredibly thankful for the impact it would have on her organization. She has sent me emails from women who have received a 'Bristol doppler' - and it is a sweet reminder of how her short life will forever impact other women and families who have experienced a loss. She is working on a tribute to Bristol on the organization's website- and we are excited to know that Bristol will be remembered in a special way- not only by our friends and families, but by others who will receive one of her dopplers.

~~~~~~

I remember the night we came from the hospital. Bristol had been born just a few hours before and the shock of the loss had yet to set in. One of the first things I did was collect every baby book, item, and ultrasound picture and hide it away in my hope chest. I knew the following days were going to be hard and I didn't want any extra reminders sitting around the house. Up until recently, all baby items have continued to be stored away in the hope chest and out of sight. But as we have received gifts and had baby showers- baby items have overflowed from the hope chest and closet. Having baby items in sight has been huge adjustment for me...a reminder that we are getting closer to the birth of this baby, but also a reminder of what can happen. We have procrastinated getting a nursery ready for this baby- looking back on Bristol, it was a blessing we didn't have more baby items or a nursery to come home to- but we are only a few weeks from his arrival, and as much as I want to be "prepared", I also don't want to come home to a heartache if something were to happen. It's a double edged sword. We have been blessed to have family and friends help us get ready in these last few weeks. I am sure for "normal" pregnancies, preparing the nursery, washing the clothes, etc are exciting moments that are cherished by the soon-to-be parents. But I find myself procrastinating and ignoring what needs to be done. I can't seem to 'believe' we're going to have a baby until he's in my arms...and probably won't fully relax until I see he's safely here. Thankfully, friends and family have stepped in and done the things I have been incredibly hesitant to do- put the crib together, get baby items out of the boxes and put together, wash and sort clothes, put the car seat base in the car, and prepare a diaper bag and overnight bag. It's weird seeing baby stuff in our house- and seeing things that were purchased when we were pregnant with Bristol. Yet another reminder of the incredible journey we've been on to being parents. It's a hard balance of being sad about Bristol and excited about Brody, but God has whispered in my heart an awesome reminder: Children are a gift from God. Psalms 127:3 And I tell myself, this is true even if we get to keep them with us here on earth, or they spend their lives in eternity.
~~~~~~

One of the things I was unprepared for was returning to the hospital where Bristol was born. A family member had her baby this week at the same hospital where we delivered Bristol, and I had planned on visiting them the day she was born. I have heard from others that returning to the same hospital/dr office where you had your loss is very hard, and often people change facilities because of it. I convinced myself I would be ok (ignoring the little voice in the back of my head asking, "are you sure?") - this wasn't my baby after all! And I was happy and excited to meet the new family member. I finished my meetings for the day and drove to the hospital. I got parked and then anxiety/emotion set in. I couldn't get out of the car- I was crying and trying to sort through the plethora of emotions. What if I see our nurse or doctor? What if she's in the same delivery room? What if I see a leaf on the door? (this is what the hospital used to mark rooms for those who had lost their babies.) All the memories of our labor, delivery, and leaving the hospital empty handed swept over me, taking me by complete surprise. This was a time to be happy, not sad...and I decided it was best to not go in- I needed to pull myself together! I didn't want to be upset in the hospital- this was a time of celebration and joy- and I didn't want to take away from it. As I drove home, I was surprised at how overwhelmed I became at just being at the hospital. I felt like all the "progress" I had made the last few months, suddenly disappeared and I was just as grief stricken as I was in the beginning. Maybe I needed more time- it hasn't been that long since Bristol was born. Maybe time would help heal those memories and the anxiety of returning to "that" place. Or maybe, I needed to spend more time in prayer for peace about Bristol...or maybe this is just part of the journey. There is nothing "normal" about going through a loss- it changes every subsequent action and feeling, and there isn't a guide to help walk you through it. A friend who suffered a loss told me once that, one can not truly heal without the power and love of Christ to help us heal- he is the ultimate healer. It's kind of amazing to think about- how did I ever survive what some consider to be one of the greatest losses? How have I been able to find peace in losing Bristol and see some of the blessings that have come from her life? I know I didn't do it on my own, I am not that strong! An excerpt from one of the books I have read has helped me find some peace: "God has a unique plan and purpose for every child conceived. We may not fully understand His plan. We may not be able to comprehend God's purposes. But we can know with faith that our perfect God does not err. He does not allow a conception that is beyond His sovereign plan and purposes." I know I'm a work in progress, but I am learning to be able to remember Bristol and our loss, with some form of hope and peace.

Honesty

2010-09-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

It has been several months since I have written a post. Mostly I have struggled with what to say, what to write...struggling with the balance of being honest without upsetting someone.
Through this amazing journey, God continues to surprise me. There isn't a day that I don't think about Bristol. Her life left an incredible imprint on my heart and has become a huge part of who I am. I have met so many women who have experienced a loss and being able to relate to someone who truly understands my pain, has been an incredible element in the healing process. No one wants to be in this "club" but I have never been more thankful to not be alone in this group. This morning I read a post from an old college roommate- and her willingness to be completely open and honest opened the flood gate of tears. Her strength amazes me. She writes, what my heart aches to recognize and say. So I decided to let my guard down and write...

Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of excitement, happiness, and anticipation. But for me, it has been a time of anxiety, fear, and depression. Don't get me wrong- I am so thankful for the miracle of life in me and the blessing that awaits. But I no longer have the luxury of a naive pregnancy. I know there is never a "safe" zone in pregnancy- until you hold a living baby in your arms, each day is a blessing and truly a gift from God. I read that the distance between joy and heartache can be measured by a heartbeat - and how true those words ring in the heart of a mother who has lost a little one. I thought that getting past the week we learned Bristol had died would help me be more positive in this pregnancy. Though some of my anxiety did lessen after passing that milestone, a new wave of anxiety took over. I have found myself praying that if something is going to happen, to please let it happen now. I can't bear the thought of going through another loss...and have found myself putting up guards instead of opening myself to the excitement and attachment of this baby inside. It's hard to describe the emotional roller coaster of a subsequent pregnancy- the fears, the doubts, the anxiety, guilt, and depression. I do have moments of excitement, happiness, and anticipation- it just seems those are heavily balanced with the other emotions. And these aren't things people are comfortable hearing. I have been blessed to be connected to a support group of women who are in a subsequent pregnancy following a loss- and being able to share my innermost thoughts and fears, has helped me realize that I am "normal" and not alone. They understand me without judging me.

I can't count how many times someone has told me to "have faith," "be positive," "relax and enjoy the pregnancy," or "you're hurting the baby by worrying." If you've had a loss, you know how nearly impossible all those are. I am trying to have faith, to be positive, and relax. But I also know the pain of believing all will be ok, for it only to fall apart. I pray daily for this baby, for God to help me give Him all my fears and anxieties, and for the strength to have faith in HIS plan. It's hard to be honest with people about my excitement and fears. No one wants to hear a sad story, and sometimes I feel like people try to ignore what happened with Bristol, as though it didn't happen. I suppose this makes it easier to justify all the happy-exciting thoughts of having a baby...but I can't ignore her or pretend that it didn't happen. It's a part of who I am, part of our family story.

One of the hardest parts of a subsequent pregnancy is answering the questions of those who don't know our story. Everyone loves a pregnant woman- and everyone wants to share in the excitement of a new baby- but a mother who has had a loss knows how difficult this can be. You are faced with questions such as:
"Is this your first baby?"
"When are you due?"
"How many kids do you have?"
"Have you picked out a name/nursery theme/etc?"
I find myself struggling with how to answer these...I don't want to lie about Bristol, but I also don't always have the strength to get into that conversation with someone. It's a balance between being honest with someone and protecting myself, a balance between being honest and making someone uncomfortable. It's never an easy conversation and one I often find myself forcing a smile to get through it or walking away feeling sad.

We are officially 30 weeks pregnant this week and as we approach our due date (December 4th), I am reminded by how far we still have to go. So far we have a healthy baby boy and see our doctor almost weekly for appointments. We finally registered for baby items, came up with a name (Brody Inman Sparks), and have started to work on a nursery. My doctor is very supportive of helping me have a "natural" delivery with this baby- I don't want our only experience to be delivering a stillborn- and so we will be induced at 37 weeks. This is another difficult conversation- "Why are you being induced at 37 weeks?"- We are being induced because the baby is measuring big and our dr is supportive of helping us have a natural birth; we are being induced because anxiety during labor in subsequent pregnancies can negatively affect the mother and baby, so she induces all subsequent pregnancies before the 40th week.

I am excited and anxious about the birth of this baby, and am looking forward to being able to hold this little miracle in my arms. But I also know the next few months are going to be emotionally hard. Not only are we approaching the birth of this baby, we are also approaching the anniversary of Bristol's birth. I don't want the birth of this baby to overshadow Bristol's birthday. I want to celebrate the birth of this baby and recognize/remember the birth of our baby in heaven. I don't want others to make me feel guilty about recognizing that day...as a mother, I can't overlook the day my life was forever changed. I can't imagine the emotional ride we are about to embark on...but I know that it will be ok. I know that Bristol is safe in the arms of God and I know that I am living the life God has planned for me. And I know it's ok to feel what I feel...

Faithful...

2010-04-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

If I have learned anything from the experiences of the last few months, it is that God is faithful. Even though we may close our hearts to Him, he always waiting for us to re-open that door. If we will allow Him into our hearts, he will bless us in unimaginable ways...just wait and see!

I grew up in a small country community and attended church with my family. Church was part of our Sunday routine and we prayed before every meal, but we never talked about God, Jesus, or having a personal relationship with him. I was baptized in the third grade, but to me, it meant I got to take communion. Even though church was part of my life, it was never really a part of me.

After graduating from high school, I left home and went to college. I stopped attending church and prayer was a distant memory. I took a couple religious courses, but they only pushed me away from my faith and caused me to further question the Bible, Jesus, and the role of the church. I lived a life of sin. Church, faith, and anything religious was absent from my life, other than attending Christmas service with my family. My liberal arts education had led me to a liberal belief about religion and God. I embraced a universal religion- I believed that all sects of religion, including non-Christian denominations, all worshipped a higher being, a God of sorts, and that regardless of our practices, it was all basically the same. I believed that Jesus was a prophet the churches had used to increase their profits, and the Bible was a collection of stories used to control the nations. I still considered myself a Christian, but was nothing of the sorts. My life, words, and actions did not glorify God or live a life that was in any way pleasing to him.

Then life happened. I graduated and started a career. My parents separated and then divorced; A marriage ruined by infidelity and lies. My family struggled to maintain the dynamics of family in a broken circle. The rose colored glasses I had been wearing were suddenly gone, and I realized that life is hard and hurts. It was during this time in my life I met Brad, my husband. He came from a “Leave it to Beaver” family where everyone got along, they enjoyed being around each other, and things seemed perfect. And he had an amazing faith. I was very drawn to the stability in his life, because my life felt as though it were falling apart. He was very faithful in attending church and I went along for the ride. Over time, I began to open my heart to God and started listening to the sermons. I realized something was missing in my life, but was hesitant to accept that void as God. I had so many questions about the Bible, Jesus, the church, and religion, and Brad patiently answered them or led me to the minister. I had finally opened the door to God, but was not ready to accept Christ as my savior.

After Brad and I were married, we decided to start a family. Little did we know, this would be a difficult and painful journey. Church and prayer became part of our lives, and my heart started to change. When we were five months pregnant, we found out that our baby had died. We were devastated. At such a tragic time, Brad leaned on his faith, prayed, and encouraged me that this was part of God’s plan. I stood in awe of his faith. With his encouragement, I truly opened my heart and prayed to God. I knew everything was out of my control and I submitted to his sovereign authority and prayed for peace, strength, healing, and comfort. And he answered! I was overcome with peace and understanding and for the first time in my life, I truly believed.

Our daughter, Bristol, was born the following afternoon and I was able to say hello and goodbye with an amazing sense of peace and calm. I knew that everything would be ok, even in the midst of tragedy. I praised God that she did not suffer and that her life would be in heaven. I knew I needed to live a life pleasing to God, so I could once again be with her and I prayed God would show me the way. In the weeks and months that followed, my faith continued to grow and I began to see the many ways God works in our lives. Because I had leaned on my faith during such a difficult time, I was blessed with an amazing source of strength and able to heal emotionally and physically. I learned that God wants to help us, if we are just willing to hand over our hurts to Him, he won't disappoint! I joined a Bible study, which strengthened my beliefs and sent me diving into the word of God. The life and death of my daughter, allowed me to renew my faith and truly believe...It was a catalyst to a journey that has saved my life.

After much prayer and speaking with our pastor, I decided to commit my life to Christ and be baptized in the name of Jesus. Three days after making this decision, I found out I was pregnant! No fertility treatment, no struggle! God truly is amazing! He not only healed me emotionally and spiritually through our loss, but also physically. If we will just open our eyes and take a step of faith, we will see how incredibly faithful he is to us. A song that has pulled at my heart since the day we learned of Bristol’s death is Praise You in this Storm, by Casting Crowns. Our new due date will be just a few days before Bristol was born. At a time that will bring a new wave of emotions and sadness, we will hopefully be blessed with a new baby in our arms. Like the song says: “I will praise the God who gives and takes away… and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.” Thankfully, a friend has connected me with a support group for women with a subsequent pregnancy after loss. It is amazing to share with others who have experienced a loss, and lean on them for strength, support, and encouragement. Although a new pregnancy brings new emotions, I know that if I reach for Him, he will be faithful. 1 Peter 5:7. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you. Everyday I am learning to be excited and hopeful instead of terrified...which can be so hard knowing all that can go wrong. I am no longer naive that pregnancy = healthy baby. But I wouldn't trade my journey for anything.

Praise God!

Are you that person?

2010-02-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

I was that person.
I am fortunate to have the flexibility in my job to make my own schedule and work from home. A few weeks ago I was on the road for meetings and had some time to kill in between meetings. I decided to check out the local Christian store and try to find a cd I had been wanting. I had never been to this store before, and like most local stores, owners usually know their customers. The cashier was checking out a lady, whom she must have known given their conversation. I quietly made my way around the store, checking out the music, devotionals, and other books. After the customer left, the cashier found me and asked if she could help me find anything. I told her I had some time in between meetings and thought I would check out the store. That didn't seem to satisfy her, but she left me alone and I continued to look through the store. I came upon a section of books that dealt with grief and loss. One lone blue book caught my eye and as I read the title, tears filled my eyes. It was a book about the promise of heaven for children who die in the womb or shortly after birth.
I started to read the inside cover, and the cashier peeked around the bookshelf, "Doing ok?" I nodded my head and continued to read. I was contemplating just walking out of the store, as I really don't like sales people bugging me when I shop. But I couldn't put the book down, I wanted to see the chapter titles and decide if I wanted to buy it. I continued to flip through the book and read different passages, I wasn't in a hurry. I'm not sure how long I stood there reading, it couldn't have been too long, but the cashier quietly walked through the aisles and peeked her head around to look at me three more times. I got the feeling she thought I was trying to steal something. I was offended and irritated. Did I look like a thief? Who would steal something from a Christian store? Can't a customer look at something without being suspicous? I had had enough.
I took the book up to the counter to buy it and kept my head low, fighting back tears. I could tell the cashier was irritated at me being in the store- I'm not sure if she was ready to go on break, didn't know me, or what the problem was. She rudely asked, "Is that all for you?" (really stressing the all) I told her yes, that would be it, thank you. I could tell she was taken aback by my tears, and she looked down to read the title of the book. Her face dropped once she realized why I was upset. She didn't say another word; I paid and walked out of the store. I was overwhelmed with emotions- I was heartbroken at the loss of my child. I was angry that I was buying a book about death. I was hurt that the cashier had treated me so rudely, hadn't I been through enough already? How rude! (However, I am so glad I bought the book, as it was incredibly helpful in my healing process.)

As I drove home that afternoon, I replayed the events of what had happened in the store in my head. I glanced at the blue book and was saddened at the thought of reading the book... Why did my child have to die? Why did life have to be unfair and so hard at times? Why did the lady have to treat me like that? Who was she to categorize and judge me? I was a nice person and had already been through so much, couldn't I catch a break? (I was really having a self pity party in my car.) Then I heard a song on the radio... Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns. I was at a red light, sobbing. I was an emotional mess. I kept driving and calmed myself down. Then my tears turned to laughter. Oh my God I thought, I am that person. I am that crazy person driving and crying. I am a mess. I thought of all the times I had seen someone in their car, crying. And how, at that time, I wondered why someone would be driving and crying...was something so bad that they couldn't contain themselves? Really, was it necessary to draw attention to yourself while driving? Then it hit me. I was just like the cashier. I was judging these people without knowing their story, without knowing what their life entailed. How rude of me.
Ok God, I got the message. "...love your neighbor as yourself..." How could I be upset with the cashier for judging me, when I do the same to others? Like the song said, "...love them like Jesus..."
Losing Bristol has changed so much about who I am, who I want to be, and the type of person I need to be. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am trying to change and be the person God wants me to be.

"...You don't need the answers to all of life's questions, just know that He loves them and stay by their side. Love them like Jesus. Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands. The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands. The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands. He cares for them just as He cares for you. So love them like Jesus..."
Love Them Like Jesus, by Casting Crowns

Amazing Women

2010-01-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

My life was forever changed on December 17, 2009 at 2:00pm. My husband and I were 20 weeks pregnant with our first child and were waiting patiently to see our baby for the first time during our ultrasound appointment. You see, this was our miracle baby. My husband and I had been trying for a baby for several months and had undergone fertility treatment because I was not ovulating. We had gotten pregnant in June, but did not know it and lost the baby at the end of July. The following week we had an appointment with the fertility specialist. A few weeks later there was one ovum, and despite our odds, we did an IUI before trying more extensive treatment. I knew immediately that we were pregnant, but because we had just lost a pregnancy the month before, I kept my mouth shut and prayed. My husband had taken me to the Bristol NASCAR night race, because apparently that is the best race. And as timing would have it, we took a pregnancy test in the camper, and it was positive! We immediately shared the news and justified myself in knowing that our family and friends would support us, even if we lost this baby. But that wasn't going to happen this time, I knew this time it would be different. Our friends and family laughed that we had found out at a NASCAR race...in a camper, and my husband jokingly told everyone we conceived at the race. I remember laughing with friends that I would never name my baby after a Nascar race; But life is a rollercoaster and I have learned that you should never, say never.
Pregnancy suited me. I was happy and had never felt better, and enjoyed watching my body grow and change. You hear the horror stories of women being sick all the time, and I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I thought God must be taking care of me since He knew how much we wanted this! Even though I had been raised in a church, I had gotten off track after going to college. It's not that I didn't believe, I just didn't whole heartedly accept the Bible and the reality of one God. After the IUI was successful, and knowing our odds against the pregnancy taking, I began to open my heart to God. I knew He had made that pregnancy happen...our odds were just so slim. My husband and I started attending church on a regular basis, and my faith started to grow. I began to open my heart and eyes to the wonderful works of our Lord. My husband and I joined our church on December 13, 2009, the Sunday before our ultrasound appointment. We almost put off joining church that Sunday because we had guests coming over for lunch and really needed to clean the house. But God works in mysterious ways. We went ahead and joined that Sunday, thinking we would just join and head out early- we had things to do!
The following Thursday was our 20 week appointment and I was so excited. This was the first appointment my husband would be able to attend since his work schedule had conflicted with our other appointments. I had been to the doctor at 17 weeks and had been able to record the heartbeat for our families to hear, I was so excited to be able to see our baby alive and moving inside of me! They called our name and I nearly ran down the hall to the ultrasound room. I laid on the table, and with my husband by my side, watched a dark and silent ultrasound. My heart was in my throat..."where's the heartbeat?" I asked the technician. She ignored me and said she was taking measurements. My husband reassured me she wasn't doing that part yet. But I knew at that very moment something was terribly wrong. The screen was silent and still, what had happened?! What happened next is a blur. The physician came in and told us the baby's heart had stopped. Our baby had died and based on measurements had been dead a week or two. We had two choices: go to the hospital now and deliver the baby, or go home and come back when we were ready. I somehow managed to ask the doctor if we could just do a D&C, she said no, we were too far along in the pregnancy. Oh my God I thought, I have to deliver a dead baby.
I told my husband that I couldn't do that, I am not strong enough I said through my tears. The doctor just held my hand. I decided to go ahead and go to the hospital, I didn't think I could manage going home and having to come back, knowing what we faced.
We got to the hospital and they took us to the labor and delivery floor. Really? We had to be on a floor of happy pregnant people awaiting the birth of their live babies. I was angry and heartbroken. How unfair! We got settled in and our doctor came to talk with us- she explained the process of inducing labor and told us it could take several hours, even days before the baby was born. My body was simply not ready to deliver.
I remember laying in the hospital bed with my husband, each of us crying and holding on to each other. How could this have happened, I just heard the heartbeat a few weeks ago. I never felt anything or knew anything was wrong. I have never felt so alone or helpless in my life. Alright God, this is in your hands I prayed. I need you to give me strength to get through this, to give me strength during the delivery. Lord, open my heart to you and erase my doubts. Lord, comfort me, heal me, and bless our child. Lord forgive me. Thank you Lord for the amazing man you have led me to and help us through this. I can not explain to you, the amount of overwhelming peace I felt that night. For the first time in my life, I felt the presence of God and knew. I truly believed.
The next day, December 18, 2009 was a blur. The contractions started and I didn't want any pain medicine. I needed to feel this, I knew I needed to be aware of what was happening in order to help me heal emotionally. With my husband by my side, and an amazing nurse and doctor, our baby was born at 3:20 pm. I remember pushing during the labor and thinking, I can't do this. But my husband held my hand, whispered in my ear "I love you" and with the doctor's encouragement of "one more push honey and this will be done" I was able to do it. God surrounded me by an amazing group of strong, faithful people. God gave me strength to get through this terrible experience.
After our baby was born, we were faced with a plethora of decisions. We decided to name our baby Bristol. We hadn't really discussed names yet, as we had waited until we were past the "safe" mark, so we didn't have any favorite names to choose from. Since we had discovered our pregnancy at Bristol, we decided that was the most fitting name for our baby. I did, afterall, name my baby after a NASCAR race.
My husband had invited our parents to visit us at the hospital- I did not want anyone there when we found out. I had emotionally shut down but thankfully my husband knew we needed our parents there. The nurse brought Bristol in for us to say our goodbyes. My mother-in-law, mother, and father each got to hold and say hello and goodbye to Bristol. Looking back, I know God was with us...I was able to say hello and goodbye to my daughter with amazing strength and sense of peace. We always say, everything happens for a reason. But if we truly believe that, then I have to believe God had a purpose for Bristol's life. If losing Bristol meant that I would renew my faith in God and truly believe...then I can only thank God for giving me Bristol, even if for just a short time, because she saved my life.

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.