Crazy is as Crazy Does

I'm Easily Amused

2012-01-26T00:10:00.000-06:00

I find that my article on Marvin Harris has so many more views almost 3 years after I originally posted it than any of my new posts! I love it! I'm glad that my piece on Marvin Harris and Cannibals and Kings has people so intrigued! I'm glad to see that others like cannibals and Harris as much as I do :D Seriously, that makes me happy. I have many things I address in this blog but this one makes me the happiest!

Triggers

2012-01-25T00:50:00.000-06:00

For the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a trigger really is. However, my opinion still stands. To use a trigger as an excuse is unexcuseable! I've finally been diagnosed with PTSD and have triggers. However, I do not allow my triggers to control what I expose myself to or who or how I interact with others. Yes, people accidentally trigger me but it is not THEIR responsibility to mind their words. It is MY responsibility to mind how I react to those triggers. Do my triggers affect my relationship? Yes, they do. Who's responsibility is in my relationship to mind my actions? MINE! So if you have triggers, it is YOUR responsibility to control YOUR actions, not those around you to mind what they say and do. Just saying

I have no room to talk but.........

2012-01-23T01:59:00.000-06:00

I have no room to talk but if you are going to say the trauma in your life has shaped you into the confused, fucked up, overly emotional person you are today, please, for the love of all that is holy, make sure that the only trauma in your life is NOT your momma not lovin you enough! Unless you've gone through MULTIPLE sexual abuses, followed by physical abuse, followed by being stalked WHILE being abused by one of your parents, WHILE being sexually abused still, followed by physical abuse, followed by bullying, followed by adult rape.... oh yeah, this doesn't even cover it..... yet I still act like a sane, rational human while in public. The only person that has to deal with my regressions is my husband, who is the 2nd most patient human you've ever met, only trumped by my step-dad (who I call Dad), because he is the only person that I TRUST enough to act like this. I CHOOSE to act like an ADULT in public. If you are acting like a 3 year old while in public and are my age than maybe you should seek therapy. I sought it, only because I wasn't acting my AGE in PRIVATE. I got a grip a long time ago and I'm so sick of seeing people around my age say that DUE to abuse they went through they are sad fucks with no potential. HELLO! You only had Mummy hit you ONCE with a brush or a rolling pin, get the fuck over it!

To those that don't understand abuse... don't worry, you grew up adjusted and probably HELPED those that were being abused in so many ways overcome what they were going through (Jenny, you helped me growing up more than you'll ever know). And even those who may have been going through less but still abuse, you helped those going through worse than you. I know when we were all younger we didn't talk about what was going on at home, but we kind of all knew who was going through hell and who wasn't. We all affected each other in such great ways, even the bullies helped you develop. So those who try to say they are weak and feeble for what they went through, go ahead and just off yourself because you obviously have ZERO strength and will die after a paper cut of reality anyways, so finish it. Do you know after all I've gone through how many times I've attempted suicide? ZERO! Yeah, you heard that right, I've attempted suicide ZERO times. Do you know why? Because I knew that suicide is a cowards way out and running away was way easier

Ok, my points have ran out and I'm sure Ive pissed off some folks, good, life goes on

NANO Has Me Writing Again... Kinda

2011-11-02T17:27:00.001-05:00

I'm participating in NANO again this year, hopefully doing better than in previous years. And it's reminded me I need to write more. I have neglected this and my other blogs. But there's another reason for that, my back. I'm so sick and tired of my back hurting all the damn time! Seriously! Today, I switched to my old muscle relaxers to get some work done because my new, and better, ones were just not relaxing that muscle in my back that's decided it needs to spasm constantly. And do the doctors actually do anything for me? No! I get treated like a pill popper and handed muscle relaxers that barely work. They don't test for anything and just treat me like I'm out for pain pills. No, I'm out for a reason why my back has been giving me hell since April! I'm so frustrated and I'm on the verge of crying again. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of the pain.

And that's not all! I've been informed that I am lazy because I don't have a job, repeatedly. This is NOT from my husband, but from other sources. Yes, I don't have a kid to take care of and yes I have a college degree so you would think there would be no reason for me to be out of work. Well guess what? That college degree is one of the reasons I do NOT have a job!!! And I've been looking for work for well over a year and I'm so sick of not working. My business isn't doing well and I can't keep my student loans on deferment forever. I'm so sick of being unemployed. I WANT a job! I want to work! I don't want to sit here in my house day in and day out looking for work and not able to obtain it. I'm so sick of people making assumptions about why I'm unemployed and then running their mouths about it. Who are you to judge ME??? And it's even coming back to my husband about how there's no excuse for me not to be working. Yeah, not cool! I don't know who's saying what, and I honestly don't care, but I'm sick of it. So not only am I in pain EVERY day but I've got to deal with douchebags talking shit about me behind my back or to my husband that don't even know what I'm going through or how hard I'm trying. I've even applied to retail jobs and call centers! I'm applying to jobs at my work level and below! I've even applied for jobs outside my field. I soooooo hope that if I'm friends with someone who knows one of the people talking about my lack of work they will inform these people talking about my lack of job that I am in fact trying. I've had job interviews but not a job.

Ugh, I'm just frustrated and in pain and sick of hearing about how horrible of a person I am from others

Wow

2011-09-13T01:40:00.000-05:00

I just saw that one of my young friends lost their husband today. They're in their twenties and have a young daughter, and she is now a widow. I'm crying. I never met her or her husband, but I've been friends with her online for almost two years. I can not imagine what she's going through, what the baby is going through. I have no words to give her... What do you say to a young woman who just lost the love of their life? What do you say to a 3 year old who just lost their daddy? What do you say to a young woman who loses their husband to illness at such a young age? I know what to say to someone who's spouse is killed in an accident or is murdered, I've been there, but what do you say to someone who loses someone at such an early age to health issues? I have no idea

I've seen Mary

2011-09-11T05:37:00.000-05:00

Originally posted on Tumblr (here though no text has been changed)

This post isn’t about my religious preferences, as obviously they’re inconsequential seeing as I had a Virgin Mary experience and I am NOT Catholic.

On December 17th, my beloved ferret Sable passed away suddenly after a very short bout with lymphoma. I buried her on a very frosty day, digging with just a gardening spade while it was snowing, in our flower bed, just behind the AC unit that is front of the flower bed. I placed 3 rocks as markers, 2 rocks to stay there and 1 the shape of a heart that I plan to keep taking with me every where (I’ve had this rock, it’s granite, since 2001, got it just before 9/11 actually). Polar Bear and I would visit the rocks occasionally, and at night I would look at them when I knew my husband wasn’t going to call. One night, before I went home for Christmas, I stood out there on the patio, near the markers, quite upset. I looked at the markers and saw the Virgin Mary, in a red robe, holding my Sable. Sable was at peace and Mary looked down on her smiling. The vision was brief, but it has stuck with me.

Friday, 8/5, I was standing on my patio. As I stood there, a sense of foreboding struck me and as I looked out over the parking lot, the lights started going off one by one. We’re talking, full on Constantine like stuff! The need to say Hail Marys struck me and without thinking I began saying them. As the words flowed from my mouth, no stopping despite the fight you could feel in the air, the lights started slowly coming back on. As the last light came on and the fight ended, and the final Hail Mary came from my lips, a single shooting star appeared, but it was too low to be a real shooting star. It was much lower in the sky, but not poop coming out of a plane close… it’s really hard to explain how I knew it was special, other than the strange play of events just prior, but the shooting star graced the sky as I finished the last Hail Mary.

I know this is a huge deal, even if I was Catholic, but being a non-Catholic, I know this is a rare thing. I am just sick of people telling me that it wasn’t Mary, Mother of God, and that it’s Mary Magdalene. No, I am 100% sure it was the Virgin Mary, Mary, Mother of God. I can not, for the life of me, get anyone to tell me what the significance of Mary in a red robe is. I hope I eventually figure this out.

An Update

2011-09-10T19:03:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted here in ages and I feel like a horrible blog owner in doing so. I have been working on several blogs though and so my blogger accounts have been neglected. In addition, my husband made it home and I think his presence has helped get me back to writing again. I've caught up on my writing projects across my three blogger blogs and my three Tumblr blogs. Blogger has been neglected due to Tumblr, but I think I'm finding a balance between Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, and Tumblr. There are so many options to express my thoughts and it becomes a little overwhelming at times but I'm slowly, ever so slowly, getting those thoughts organized and into the right blogs.

I just had to take a break from writing this as my newest ferret Juliet decided to climb into the game/movie drawers of our entertainment center. She's such a goober like that. She's always getting into things. She's helped Polar Bear tremendously though and he's almost to pre-Sable's death energy levels, especially now that B's home. Have I mentioned how truly blessed I am to have him here? We've had our ups and downs since his return, but that is all part of the readjustment phase and things are probably better than ever.

Well, back to working on my Etsy shop. This is where much of my free time goes when I'm not watching tv or playing video games.

Marriage and Other Such Things

2011-03-07T23:00:00.000-06:00

So, I read this article on Cracked.com about some "religious" websites they found humorous or just hard on the eyes. I ended up looking at all of them. The first site was one that the concept was awesome, the concept of the woman warrior for God, but the execution of the concept failed, and miserably. The other site that I've spent much of my evening on was this Hell Fire and Brimstone site that is one step below the insanity that is Westboro "Baptist Church". (I put that in quotes because I do not think that Westboro is Christian or a reflection of the Baptist movement at all). Most of this second site has me cracking up because of its insistence on everything being evil, but the part that gets me really going is their "women's page". (You can see for yourself here). Most of this is how feminism is evil and it's ruining women, but there was one article that I actually agreed with and I will address it now. The article was on marriage and the relationship between a woman and her husband on a Christian level. However, this wasn't one of those brow beating articles, no, this woman wrote about how as a wife, our relationship with our husband should be our number one human relationship.

How the article was written, I took it that most people aren't best friends with their husbands. I knew a long ago that I could only marry my best friend, and put off marrying mine for quite some time. I think we're better for it in the end. My putting off marriage to B was good for us. I got my party out, learned to appreciate the friend I have in B, and learned conflict resolution skills within a relationship before we were together. In addition, B was able to show me just how much he truly cares for me and is dedicated to me. Obviously, I'm going to take religion out of this topic at this point. I personally have "eccentric" beliefs that the site admin for the original site I was on would consider Satanic, and my husband is agnostic. My husband actually likes the fact that I can think for myself when it comes to spirituality and that I have really never been one to push my beliefs on others and I won't now. However, I will push my feelings on marriage on everyone. The author of the article I've been talking about made a very good point that we should be best friends with our husbands. How she said it though, you would think that most people don't do this. If this is the case though it is no wonder that divorce is so rampant, in both the Christian and other communities! A foundation of friendship between spouses is what is going to secure your relationship long into old age. Being physically attracted to your spouse is great, but when gravity starts taking its toll on the body and your body starts to fail you, if you have a relationship based in friendship you will still have a relationship. However, if you do not have that friendship, you're going to run out of things you have in common when sex is just not an option.

Another point the author made was that wives should put their husbands above their children. I completely agree with this. No, I do not have kids of my own yet. However, I find that one of the problems many married couples have is that they put their children above their relationship. This is a problem. When you neglect your relationship with your spouse due to children, you are wearing away at that foundation when the children are gone. However, it is a balancing act! As I told my mom earlier, I think that as a couple parents should put their children first, however as individuals they should put each other first. I know this sounds contradictory, but it's not. As a couple, you are one. However, you are both individuals. As an individual, you should put your spouse first. When you address your children, you should do so as a couple and they should come first to a point. If your children's activities are taking away from family time and couple time (say your kids are in so many activities that all you do as a family is go from one activity to another), then your priorities as a couple and family are off. You can disagree with me if you like, I don't care.

Ok, I think I've rambled on enough. At least I know my spelling is correct

I'm going to complain

2011-03-04T20:50:00.000-06:00

As much as I whine, I really don't complain. Right now, I want to complain. Why is it that everyone wants you to come over to their place but they'll never come hang out with you? I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I'm just venting. I'm lonely and bored, despite having tons to do around the house. I was looking forward to going out tonight, but the plans got changed. I'm not upset about that, not at all actually, I'm upset that every fuckin time I ask anyone to come over and just visit, no one ever does. Now, if others want me to come visit do I? Usually I do unless I'm sick or I'm tired of hanging out with that person because they've been annoying me. Anywho! I just don't get why I have to beg for people to hang out with me and then no one will anyways. People say that they like me and that I'm one of the best friends they've ever had and yet I can't get people to hang out with me at my house. I'm so proud of myself for having this wonderful place, keepin it up, and NOT living with my parents. I'm not sure why people don't want to come to my house, but it does bug me. And yes, I'm cryin over here. I don't need people feeling sorry for me, but damn.

Sable

2011-01-22T15:15:00.000-06:00

I would have posted this sooner, but Sable's passing came so close to my trip to Texas for the Christmas holiday that I just couldn't get to it. I thought I would share Sable's last days with you. Sable went in for surgery and they found the mass was her spleen and she had a fatty liver. Biopsy came back while I was in Texas that she had lymphoma and with her passing, I think it was for the best.

The first night was easy enough, she curled up in my summer clothes, staining a white shirt, but was comfortable and slept peacefully the entire night. The next day she seemed a bit groggy, but who wouldn't after having major surgery. I made her eat and drink and she took her medicine. She curled up with me on the floor. However by day 3 she was very slow and extremely groggy. I took her in to the vet and they gave her fluids and told me to skip her pain meds. It really seemed that was it. She was only a pound and that means it's really hard to determine exactly how quickly her body would metabolize pain medication. That night though, I knew it was the end. She would only lay and hardly moved. When she did her "business" right where she was sleeping, I knew that she would not make it through the night. I held her and told her that she had to make it. Daddy wanted to see her and he would be home in a couple weeks. She just had to make it. I was crying and she kissed my cheek. She gave me this look, such a sweet look, that said to me "mommy, I tried, but this battle is just too much. Tell daddy I love him and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there when he came home. I wanted to smell his feet and steal his socks." She laid back down, after taking water and food by syringe, and went to sleep. She slept peacefully and passed in her sleep. That morning was one of the toughest mornings I've had in a long time. She's now got a nice grave and in our hearts as the sweet, loving ferret she was. She really was my sweet girl. Polar Bear is now a lonely boy but we're making the best of it. He's slowly getting used to me loving on him like I would Sable, but he still won't sit on my shoulders. Sable loved hanging out up there. RIP lil one, we all will miss you.

I would like to thank all of those who helped with the extra expense of her vet bills. You're help was amazing and I was able to cover her expenses thanks to you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sable and the boot

Sable's grave site

Quick Update

2010-12-13T23:59:00.000-06:00

As we approach Christmas, of course the Deployment Fairy would strike. Sable, my female roan, has a mass on her intestine. She's now not eating or drinking water. She's still running around like a mad woman when she's up, but usually it's to find the potty pad to make a lil mess. I'm really worried about her. I'll be going out of town soon too. All of this couldn't have happened at a worse time obviously. Well, that's the update. Sable goes in for surgery first thing in the morning so I'm going to bed soon.

I am humbled

2010-10-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

I asked some friends to read a thing I was asked to write. What I had to write isn't what this is about. No this is about the responses I got back from my friends that have me counting my blessings and knowing exactly what it is to be humbled in praise.

I often hear from people how they think that I'm cool or awesome, but those words are easily thrown around and besides, I say them all the time! However, hearing that I'm some's rock and other's hero makes me feel a way that I've never felt and that can only be described as humble. I'm not worthy of such praise. I do my best to be there for everyone and give advice that is relevant to a person's situation. I relate it to my own experiences to show why I think it will work. I don't think anything of it and never realized just how much I have apparently helped people. I don't do it for the feeling, I do it cuz I really do love helping people when I can. And the praise I've received has produced a different feeling in me.

I would usually expect a feeling of pride. A feeling that of pride based in the fact that I have helped someone and they like me for it. But this is not pride. I bow my head at the compliments and smile shyly as they comments come to me and say "this is what I'm here for." I even feel like I'm bragging by writing this. But I'm not. I've just never felt humble like this before. It's such a foreign feeling for me, that if I was a robot, my processors would short circuit. (Yes, that's a bad joke right there, you may laugh)

Things that I Hate (cuz I'm in a bad mood & from a Facebook Status)

2010-10-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

Things I hate: totally congested sinuses, people belittling married women without children, ear infections, not answering emails sent over social media when the other person can see you have spent massive amounts of time online since the email was sent, people with kids not wanting to be around people without kids, narrow minded bigots, hormones, zombies...

... people thinking any part of a vague status such as this one is about them and then makes a scene in the comments, people that think every comment people make on Twitter is about them, paranoid freaks, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber fans (except Kellie), malt liquor, the Saw movies, the bubonic plague, dog farts, the smell of my neighbors' cigarette smoke in my condo, mayonnaise, sour cream, people who think their spouse going on a week long business trip is the same as my husband being deployed, passing a semi-trunk of Fountain Blvd...

... people who say they're fat when really they need to gain weight, fat people that dress like they're skinny, finding ferret poop on the carpet though I've watched their every move, politicians trying to convince people that the other side is completely wrong, marshmallows unless they're in cereal, liver and onions, mustard, people believing a known liar when they come to them with a rumor, He-Man, girlie things...

... a limp dead-fish handshake, the smell of vinegar, people who make horrific accusations about things they have no clue about and without getting all the facts, most strippers, the lack of alcohol & smokes in cartoons now, Disney remakes of classics, the spin off movies from Disney classics like the Tinkerbell movies *shudder*, people who are convinced that their parents treated one of their siblings better than them when in reality they were the one being "spoiled", pick pockets, video games with absolutely NO controls tutorials at the very beginning, self-righteous hypocrites...

... anyone who believes an eye for an eye, eye boogers, bloody noses, the sheer ignorance of the general public, main stream media (for the most part), incompetent bastards, being so far from my nieces and nephews, being so far away from my husband, the changes to all my fave toys from the 80s, jokes that go over my head, people who claim that they never get sad or upset, people who constantly tell me how strong I am, cinnamon flavored candies...

I'm sure I can add to this later

The Answer to Your Question is:

2010-10-04T15:11:00.000-05:00

I've been getting a lot of questions about what's my secret to my weight loss.... Well folks, it's really not a secret. While I was in college, the first couple years I didn't exercise other than walking from my car to my classes and I ate fast food often. When I got to almost 190 lbs in 2008 I knew something had to be done quick as I weighed as much as my mom for the first time ever in my life. I did start off with a strict diet for the first 6 months of this journey, but I've lost most of the weight doing the little things that everyone can do to make themselves healthier and in the end make themselves lighter.

Here are the basic things to remember, and that we hear from doctors and the news repeatedly:

1) drink WATER! Most people don't drink anywhere near enough and they consume beverages such as soda in abundance. Diet soda doesn't help as the sweet flavor triggers things in your brain to make you crave REAL sugar and many people who drink diet soda end up overeating. In addition, the carbonation in soda makes you bloated and the high sodium of all sodas make you retain water. Water helps curb cravings and usually when you feel hungry it's because you're actually dehydrated. Drink 8-16 oz of water and if after that you're still hungry, eat something light.

2) Don't eat meat at every meal! I know, it sounds bizarre. However, most people eat too much meat and it's usually heavily processed. If you substitute a vegan meat substitute for at least one meal a day, you will see immediate results, usually in how you overall feel. I recommend trying the Morning Star "Chik'n" Nuggets or using their "crumblers" as a substitute for ground meat in things like hamburger helpers or in tacos. You just season it like you would hamburger meat.

3) Eat your veggies & fruit! They're not only good for you, but they contain water and are usually low calorie. Just make sure you don't slather them in butter or cheese as that counteracts the nutritional value of the veggies. Broccoli with a vegan cheese substitute is actually a good option and tastes great too!

4) Move! Even if you don't have time to do an actual workout, move. I will do things like overhand claps, jumping jacks, crunches, or walking or running up and down the stairs at random times. If you take a few minutes periodically through out the day, you end up exercising more than if you wanted to make it to the gym and then don't show up cuz you're tired after a long day.

5) Take a moment to just breath! Take a moment to just stretch. Whether it's just trying to touch your toes or sitting down with legs extended and reaching in front of you, just stretch those muscles and you will feel much better & refreshed. Being stressed out can cause you to hold onto unwanted weight since it produces cortisol, a hormone, that can cause you to hold onto weight and not digest food properly. When we become overly stressed, our bodies divert blood away from our digestive system to allow us to deal with the situation at hand. This causes the body to not process nutrients properly and can cause weight gain.

So really, these aren't secrets. They've been said repeatedly on the news, by tv doctors, and on the internet. It's all about life style changes. I have had only 3 sodas in the last month and I haven't had a donut since like March if not February. I do have a weakness for ice cream, and it can be enjoyed, I just do so in smaller amounts. I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy a cheeseburger at McDonald's on occasion and will eat some of my fave foods. The key is moderation and to know they are treats. I did totally pig out on pizza last weekend and felt bloated and yucky afterwards, but boy was it good! But did I return to my old eating habits I had in college? No, Monday I went back to my normal eating habits and will remember that pizza with great fondness and may order another one in a month or so. Our favorite guilty food pleasures should be enjoyed seldom. This way they can really be enjoyed and savored.... Mmmmm now I want some fried chicken, and not the vegan variety or the better for you Chick-fil-a stuff either, good ol' fashion greasy fried chicken LOL... I'll just day dream about it cuz I can't splurge for awhile :)

SQUEEEE

2010-09-23T23:16:00.000-05:00

When I first started this blog, I started mostly with my attempts at losing weight and making positive lifestyle choices. Well here we are 2 years later and I have finally got to my first major goal, weight wise, when I first started my lifestyle changes. In October 2008, I weighed over 185 and in 6 months I had lost 15 lbs. It has taken me until now to get below 150 lbs! I am 5'4" and a healthy weight for me is from 130-145. I have a new goal now! I want to reach 140 by my 30th birthday in January. I think 9 lbs in 3 months isn't impossible and I know I can do it.

I'm already seeing changes in how my clothes fit and it's a good thing, though I want someone to explain to me why the sleeves of women's t-shirts are so damn small! I had this problem back in 99 after I got out of the Army (weighing more than I do now). Do they think that women have tiny arms, even if they're skinny? It's so irritating. I really hate having to by larger tops just so my arms aren't having the blood cut off by the sleeves. I have to say having most of your shorts almost fall off is awesome! The only thing keeping them on is my "bubble" butt LOL.

I'm sure I'm going to annoy some to no end with my enthusiasm about the weight loss and the leaning of my body, but I haven't been so stoked and motivated!

Day 47

2010-09-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

I just noticed I haven't posted in awhile and I'm sorry. I've just been going about life as close to normal as I can. I've been working out and trying to get down to weight but it seems the more I try, the more I see nothing on the scale or the tape, yet I can see that my abs are getting flatter... Oh well. I haven't had a soda in 3 days now. Yes, I do have a Red Bull in the morning, but hey, a girl needs her B vitamins and the caffeine! I've been drinking LOTS of water and eating well. Most of my diet is either vegetarian or health food. I do treat myself to something not so good for me, but it's not all the time. I do love me a cheeseburger on occasion lol.

I do have to say that Skype is so awesome! Getting to see my hubby brings me so much joy and helps the days without hearing from him a bit easier to deal with. I'm pretty sure he'll be proud of my keeping up the work out. I have say I did take a break from it when all the drama started happening but I think exercising is helping me deal with stress of it all. I'm already seeing an improvement in my stress induced stomach issues and in the hair loss. That is always good, but I am tired of the hair in my brush...

Well, not really much else to say, it's lunch time & I'm starved and I've got a ferret running around like a crazed loon.

Sleep Brings Perspective

2010-08-21T17:28:00.000-05:00

After sleep and some beer last night and the help of many good friends, I'm doing much better today and I'm reminded of what I tell myself every time I get down about things that happen in my life. No matter what I'm going through, there is always someone who has it worse. When I am short on cash, there is a person that lost their job and is now homeless desperately seeking a place to stay and a new job. When I miss my husband, someone has lost theirs. When my health is poor, there is someone who is battling a terrible disease or does not have access to any health care. When I am battling with my emotions that come naturally to anyone in my position, someone else is battling a chemical imbalance that causes them not to be able to control their emotions. When I think my friends are ignoring me, there is someone in a war zone or in training who really is being ignored by those they thought were friends and family. When I yearn for having children, there is a couple that has tried and failed, whether they have fertility issues or have lost a child. When I get upset about the ferrets using the carpet, there is someone who wishes they had a pet to keep them company. When I whine about not being able to go grad school until the Fall of 2011, there is someone who has longed for a college education but cannot go due to financial or family issues.

There are many ways to look at any negative thing that happens, there is always someone going through something worse. We live in a spoiled country. Even our poor have video game systems and get to go to school (of course this does not include the homeless). We have access, even when we have no money, to healthcare. Sure, many go bankrupt due to the expense of using the ER, but they can still go and get taken care of. So many are less fortunate than we are. So many have gone through more than we can imagine. Even I see this, and I have not had an easy life. I've gone through more in one life than many would experience in several life times, but there are still those who have gone through more. There are villages being destroyed and the women raped and children "recruited" into militias. There are families losing their homes due to flood, mud slides, or foreclosure. We are all blessed and should reflect on it in our most difficult moments. It brings perspective to our lives.

P.S. If you comment that many bring things upon themselves, I'll have to delete you from any site that we may be friends on as there are many things that we are born into, things that no amount of precaution on our part that happen, things that happen due to corrupt governments... I could go on. We should not judge those less fortunate than us and reach out to them.

The Email Exchange

2010-08-21T00:35:00.000-05:00

So the friend I deleted's wife sent me an email through my friend's MySpace account, this is the exchange. I will note that I never finished reading the email I received as I couldn't stand the grammar and spelling.... Here it is, please tell me I wasn't too harsh:

The email I received:

hi this is aunna im sorry to be wrighting u im sure ull erase this and not read it but thats ur choice..... any ways on the situation about u comming is not a good ideal at this time there are things going on that im not going to explain to u thats between me and my husband if he wants to tell u then so be it ............ any ways my trust level with steven is at a -100 ok . it would be better if ur husband was comming it would be a better situation for us and yes that is respect and its not bull shit thats respect my husbend is trying to show me to re build my trust with him its a long process and im so sorry that its an inconveance to u but thats the way life is. im sure u would understand if u lost trust w/ur hubby theres just situations u cannot put ur spouce in when ur trying to fix somthing that has been shaddered ,may be later on in a year or so it wouldent be a problem for u to show up im just saying theres no reson to remove some one when u havent even asked what the prob is or ask why the visit is not recominded at this time. it makes me feel and think theres more to this visit than meeting me and kids for u to act that way and just wright steven off without knowing the details and yes it would probly have been more respectfull if u would have written me and asked about a visit i would all ways respect the oppesets spouce in any situation like if we were to come there steven would respect ur marrage and talk to ur husband about it sence there was a relation ship between the two of u and if u dont under stand what im saying then so be it ..... but that did hurt my husbands feelings how u just wrote him off and a true freand would ask why and not just wright u off. its no skin off my back if u keeped us deleted but for my husband i just wanted u to know that how u did it with wrighting him off was BS and if there was more to this visit than just meeting the family then donot readd us or him to anything because thats how it seems to me.

My response:

Aunna (sorry if I misspelled your name) I don't care WHAT the excuse is. I remember when I was with my ex and Steven had to "sneak" to call me because he was afraid you would be mad and you weren't even married. I'm not a threat. My fuckin husband is in Afghanistan or he would be with me. I didn't even read all the email as I can NOT read such poor spelling and grammar. It gives me a severe headache and I'm sorry, I have more important things to do than give myself a headache due to someone who can't use the built in spell check that comes with your browser and computer. I deleted both of you because I cannot be friends with someone that I can't have contact with because their significant other doesn't trust them with a long time friend. Sadly, this means that I have to hurt my long time friend who has been there when no one else was, even if my spouse was practically dead when I thought no one else was there. Sure, I wasn't married to him then and in a relationship with someone else at the time, but Brandon, my husband and best friend, has always been there, even after I CHEATED on him in 99. Yeah, if ANYONE has a reason to distrust someone, it would be my spouse. I don't know what y'all are going through, and honestly at this time I don't care. I only wanted to see y'all and meet YOU because I knew you had an issue with his friendship with me since the get-go. My husband could die at the hands of a terrorist any day at any time and at no control of anyone because there are people out there that hate this country. My biological father (Steven can tell you about what a louse he is) just got transferred to the prison in Snyder and I would have to go through Lubbock to get back to Colorado. I NEVER, in a million years, thought there would be an issue with meeting in public to meet y'all. And to be perfectly honest, it's not a respect thing. No, it's a control thing on your part. My husband actually encourages me to hang out with my male friends while he's away because he knows they are ONLY friends and that's with me cheating on him! Yeah, take that in, swallow it, digest it, and shit it out. I'm sorry that y'all are going through things, but from where I stand, it's been going on since I started dating my ex and that was over 4 years ago!

And despite the anger and hurt I feel, I hope that you can work through what ever it is that y'all are going through and can have a happy and long marriage.

Peace, love, and blessings (despite the very negative feelings I'm feeling towards EVERYONE right now)

Christina WILKS (haven't been a Dunaway in 8 months)

Please mind the back story. I've known Steven since 2001. We did date, briefly, in 01 and again in 05. I really don't count 05 since nothing ever happened and well, I kinda knew nothing was going to happen. However, Steven was always there when Brandon couldn't be there via phone or email. When I asked to come visit THEM, I even said in public. I did not ask to see just Steven. I didn't make any suggestion that B was going to be there. I specifically said, multiple times that B was deployed on Facebook and MySpace. I'm pissed even more than I was earlier, starting this morning than I was when Steven told me that I couldn't see them when I asked if I could meet them on my way back to Colorado. Please, tell me I was wrong or right so that I can stop beating myself up over deleting him, but I am pretty much sure I was right. I still haven't finished the email as I really can't finish the first few lines.

Thanks for listening!

Trust in Marriage

2010-08-18T17:48:00.000-05:00

So I have this friend, he's married and has 4 kids, 2 of which are actually his. I've known him since 2001, almost a decade. Sure we dated a couple times, but things just never worked out. Not because he is a bad guy, but because I just wasn't into him like that, despite him being such an awesome guy. He's been married 4 or 5 yrs now and the entire time his woman (or should I say girl with how she's acting) has never liked me or trusted him to talk to me. I don't understand why as I am the one that broke up with him both times we dated and both times it was because I just knew it wasn't what I wanted and I knew it wouldn't work out well in the end. I'm glad I made that decision so long ago, but he's always been one of my best friends. We have never talked about anything inappropriate when we do talk; however, this girl has never liked us talking. It was so bad that my friend would sneak to text me, deleting the texts before he got home. Now, we rarely ever talk, though he's a friend of mine on Facebook and MySpace, because of his wife. I am planning a trip to Texas and thought that since they live so close to the town that my biological father is now in, I could meet this crazy woman and all their kids so that she can see that I'm not a threat and never was.

However, I got a message from him today asking if B would be with me when I come to Texas. I informed my friend that no, B's deployed and I would be making the trip by myself. He then says that it's best that I not come and visit as it's a "respect thing." I am not sure how that's a respect thing. I see it as this woman is so distrustful that she's not even willing to meet the woman she's seen as a threat for so long. I did not say that I wanted only to see him. I made it perfectly clear I only wanted to see his entire family. However, this woman has serious trust issues and so, instead of telling my friend what I think of his woman, I said it's cool and dropped it. But I'm raving mad about this! I've never done anything for this woman to have a reason to believe that I would try and take her man. I've never said anything that would make her think this either, however she doesn't trust me or him.

I honestly feel if there is no trust in a relationship, there cannot be a relationship. Despite what I did over a decade ago, B trusts me. He knows the reasons behind what happened a decade ago and doesn't hold it against me. He even encourages me to see and talk to my friends, whether male or female, ex or not. He knows that if they're an ex, I have no desire to be with them. We broke up for a reason, and usually distrust is the reason. Most of my life, all my friends were guys. Does that mean that I got it on with all of them? Hell no! The only ones that I have are the ones that I dated and would never go back to that again... Like I said, we broke up for a reason. B trusts me completely, and I him. So how does a person stay in a relationship, get married, have kids, and not trust their spouse? How does someone stay with someone who does not trust them?

I was with a man who did not trust me. Some of you know about CR and our rocky relationship. For those that don't, I'll give you the run down of the 3.5 years for distrust and heartache. CR and I were fine at first but soon the trust fell out of the relationship because CR couldn't stand me having guy friends. We broke up the first time because a guy I knew kissed me and I didn't tell him about it. We got back together a month later, but it was soon evident that he still didn't trust me. I had a stack of pictures, most from high school and the first couple of years after, sitting on an end table, face down, that I was fixing to put away and he discovered them and became irate that I even had them. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen most of those people in years or that they were only friends, it was "disrespectful" to him to have pictures of other guys in his apartment. Excuse me? I guess there was no trust. And yes, I did stay with him after that. When we broke up the 2nd time, it was an escalation of that and other incidents. Things were so tense between us when we broke up the second time, between my pictures of all my guy friends, to the fact he would get pissed off that I was going out with my girl friends and so I would stay in, but I couldn't stand it. And of course we got back together after we broke up, but didn't live together that time. This time, things weren't as tense, but mostly due to the fact that I wouldn't tell him when I hit the bar after hangin at his place, but eventually we did break up a third and final time, not due to trust issues, but due to the fact he wouldn't follow me to grad school. I will admit that the trust issues were part of it, but we didn't say that.

That story proves that if there is no trust, there can't be a real relationship. I've broke up with other guys for less, and have broke up with guys because they didn't trust me. Why I stayed with CR for so long? I don't know anymore (and we broke up a lil over a year ago), other than I loved the guy even though I knew he was completely wrong for me. I knew there wasn't anything really there. I knew that without trust it would never work out, and if he didn't trust me after living with me for 2 yrs, he wasn't ever going to trust me. But here my friend is in a very long term relationship with a woman that won't let him talk to one of his long time friends. I wish I could tell her off, but what would that accomplish? Nothing but a big fight with him and his wife and I'm not going to be the one to tear them apart. Hopefully, one day, he realizes that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. And if you are in a relationship like that, please know that you do NOT deserve that, whatever the reason for the distrust!

Day 12 on Day 10

2010-08-13T01:52:00.000-05:00

Today was another good day. My neurologist appointment went well yesterday and today I went with a friend while she got a tattoo. I also got another email from my hubby. It was nice and made my day, though I did have to reread it several times to get it all. I really hate when an email is all

>like this
>for each line.
>it's hard to read
>everything

So yeah, it was good to hear from him again, though he had to make some smart ass comment about my little break down Tuesday. I swear, if I didn't know his sense of humor, I would take it as insult lol. But I do know his sense of humor and know it was a joke. I can even see his face if he was saying it lol. Man, I miss him like crazy. Which that longing for him brings me to what I wanted to talk about.

The other day I had a bit of a break down after staying up all night after I found someone's dog that I know. A simple comment on the owner's part, on top of the fact I hadn't heard from my hubby for 5 days at that point and the Xbox died and most of my plans kept falling through combined with a lack of sleep created the hurricane of emotions I will call The Day 10 Emotional Hurricane. Yeah, it was pretty crazy for most of the day for me. I did calm down after much talking with many wonderful ladies and finally got some sleep that night so I could make it to my appointment the next day. I felt stupid the entire time I was having my little freak out and couldn't stand the fact I couldn't stop crying. We're talking about a freak out almost like the one I had on my birthday when my sister told me our grandfather died while we were at the bar. Yeah, if you were there, you know how insane that was... ANYWHO! I felt stupid about breaking down. For one, I knew where he's at. Another thing was I know that none of the status updates that were pissing me off were being posted to get to me. Those ladies are going through the same thing I am, and most aren't as stoic as I am. I haven't cried myself to sleep once and only had one real break down. I mean there was one night last week where my mind was wandering a bit, but I talked with just 2 of my ladies and I was fine. Once again, I knew it was just craziness in my head. I also know that no news is good news, yet I had my break down. I can honestly say that lack of sleep had a direct role in that break down as the exhaustion took down my walls I've put up around that Pandora's Box full of all my emotions.

We're all human and feel so many things when our love is so far away. I know I need to allow myself to feel some of them, but I think in all my years of self taught emotion control, I've developed a need to not express my sadness. I still remember being told "there's no reason to cry" when I was a kid. I had a hell of a childhood, both good & bad times, and the bad times weighed heavy on my young heart. I am blessed that my dad said those words or I would probably still cry in public for no apparent reason. Because of those words to me, I know when I have a real reason to cry and when I need keep myself from crying when need be in certain situations. However, when I break down and cry, I do have a sense of regret for not being able to control it. This is both in a response to the not being able to completely control it, but also this weird sense that, like a man, I should just push all my emotions deep, deep, deep down. Yeah, I'm completely aware how unhealthy that is, but I can't help it. I think the only person I will freely break down in front of sober now is B. I would like to note though, I really think that years of being overly emotional has resulted in me not wanting to be not emotional, even in appropriate situations. Alas, this is the reason for the shame I still feel about having a break down.

I know that we all deal with deployment differently. I do appreciate all the comments telling me how strong I am, but I have my weak moments. Just because you cry yourself to sleep at night does not make you weak. That is you dealing with this. I may not cry myself to sleep, but when I finally do cry, it gets pretty messy. You may watch sappy love movies, and tear up missing your best friends. I just refuse to watch any of those, even when I have mine right by my side. Many honestly just can't handle having their love so far away. I'm used to being thousands of miles from mine. Everyone of us has our different ways of dealing and each one is valid in its own way. However, I would like to note, that if ever you are having really negative thoughts, please contact me and I will talk you through it. I have been through so many things, I can pretty much help with almost any situation. You're not alone out there.

Well, day 12 is at a close.

Day 8

2010-08-09T01:53:00.000-05:00

Standing on the patio watching the aftermath of the storms, all I could thing of is our good times. Those thoughts have always sustained me. Even when I was with someone else and all B was was my friend, the thought that someone out there truly cared about me kept me going through the worse times with CR. I actually had a dream about CR last night. In it B watched everything that transpired. Can we say "awkward"?

Anywho! But even when I was with CR, when things were their worse, I was reassured knowing that there was a man out there who really did love me, even after everything I put him through over the years. That's not to say that in all the trials B & I have faced over the years, I'm the only guilty party in the outcome, no, there are only 2 incidents and one, he is pretty much responsible for what happened, even though it was me who made a mistake... What I'm trying to say is, that even with the silence from B, I know that he is thinking of me and wishing I was in his arms when he's asleep and handing him his meal when he eats. Yeah, food reference lol. I do love being in the kitchen, unless it's to do the dishes.

I love my baby, and wish he were here. However, I know he can't be here. I really am glad I know where he's at. In 2004, no one knew where he was and little did we know he almost died. I'm so glad now that no news really is good news. Then, it wasn't good news. It's amazing what one finds comfort in in times like these.

Day 6

2010-08-06T16:34:00.000-05:00

First, I'm not going to post every day about the deployment. That would just be stupid. However, as things come to mind I will post about what I'm going through with it.

So my hubby has now been gone 6 days. In 6 days, I've cleaned more ferret poop than one should have to, had coffee with the ladies, have half my plans fall through, and then last night, the Xbox died! As for good news, I've got 2 calls from him already. The calls make my day/night when I get them. B's safe and hot and I believe tired as well. When he's on the phone he's more concerned that I'm ok and that things are being taken care of and I have plenty of money. Ironically, it was right after his last call (last night) that the Xbox died. I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for his call, I would have cried like a little baby over it.

Now, I'm starting to feel bad for saying I was going to be in Texas at a certain time and now it looks like I won't be able to go for quite some time. I have some people pissed, others disappointed, and most understanding. I'm sorry but bills come first and my car. If my car doesn't work, then I can't do anything at all. I feel bad because not only was I excited to see everyone and take the ferrets on a trip, but also because others got really excited to see me. Ugh... What I find really irritating is the people that are pissed off aren't willing to understand that I don't have the funds and help out or if they do want to help out it's on the condition that I find someone to watch my ferrets for the duration of the trip. I'm sorry, the ferrets are comin with me. Would you leave your kids for a trip like that? No, you wouldn't.

Overall, emotionally, I'm doing alright. I have my occasional upsets, but who wouldn't in this situation. I have a pretty wide support network established both online and in the "real world". I love how so many military wives will join together to support each other through the deployments, training, and other hardships that come our way in this life. Not to say that civilian spouses have it easy, but the military life has its own set of issues. I think the deployments are pretty much the worst of it though. I can deal with training, it's usually only for a couple weeks (now that BCT & AIT are done) and the training doesn't have them in a war zone. It's the deployment, where you go days without hearing from them, not knowing if they're safe or not, that are the hardest.

And I'd like to note some deployment etiquette for all my civilian friends out there. Here is some things to say and not to say to a friend who's spouse or significant other is deployed or overseas:

First don't ask "are you ok?" Instead ask them how they are doing. Obviously, they are not completely ok, but they are not sick or anything like that. We have our rough days and our good days and asking us if we're ok can sometimes make a good day go bad. It sounds weird, I know, but really, asking if I'm ok is just going to piss me off. I'm not ok, I'm fine. I won't be ok until my husband is back in my arms, but I'm fine with life and things. I'm getting by.

Second, try your best not to whine about your SO being gone for a couple days. Your friend with a deployed spouse will want to slap you. Your spouse will be home shortly and is most likely even in the same country as you. You can text and email as much as you like, but your friend's spouse goes through blackouts of internet and phone due to missions or for security reasons, and in the worse case scenarios, there has been an incident.

Third, if you hear a rumor about your friend's soldier, don't spread it. This is the leading cause of misinformation out there. If you see a news piece about what you think is your friend's spouse, wait until you hear something from them. The media by law has to wait 48 hrs to publish any story about incidents and so the information you saw on the news may not be the most accurate. If you have concerns about a news piece you saw, ask your friend if they have any news of the soldier instead of going on about what you saw in the news. Your friend will be the first person to know anything.

I think that covers everything for now. As things are brought to my attention I will let you know. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. And as always, keep all of our troops and their spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, fiancé/fiancées, and their families in your prayers and thoughts.

Lot's Wife

2010-08-01T15:11:00.002-05:00

His last words to me were “walk away and don’t look back”

As if I would turn into a pillar of salt

Without turning around

Pillars of salt lined my cheeks

But I take those tears

And preserve my memories until he returns

To make a new batch

He’ll be in harm’s way

I’ll be safely in my home

Wondering if he’s ok

But this is what I signed up for

This life of having to walk away for way to long

Can’t look back when we part ways

Otherwise the salt comes again

Simple Pleasures

2010-07-22T03:51:00.000-05:00

While we were in Texas, I found a day or two old fawn under the back stairs of B's grandma's house. After an eventful day of family and graveyards, we returned and the tiny fawn was still there! I was scared for the poor guy. But after discussing things with B's uncle, he informed us that fawns this young are routinely left alone so their mother can find food and thus feed them. She came back at around dusk and was ready to attack us when she saw us so close to her baby. It was so beautiful to see those two in action. It really is the simple things.

And the Countdown is Real

2010-07-02T00:27:00.000-05:00

With the long weekend comes the very real realization that deployment is immanent. We're fixing to spend the most time together, nonstop, no work interruptions, yet. I know it's going to be crazy and he's going to be a goofball, but I'm going to enjoy every last minute.

When you face deployment, you face many unknowns. There are stressors on a relationship when one faces a deployment that most relationships don't face. Those unknowns, the what-ifs, they put so much strain on things. Part of you wants to push your love away, and part of you wants to hold on and never let go.

This is our first deployment. This is our first (and hopefully, only) marriage. He's never lived with a woman that wasn't related to him. I've never lived this far from home. We were long time friends. There were certain expectations before we moved in together, and there was also baggage. You add in the unknowns mentioned above to that mix, and you see the stress that can be caused. But the key, even when not facing the uncertainties of deployment, is realizing that there is a deep love there. There is love and there is care. There is a want that when all is said and done, things will return back to the way they were before they left to the unknown. But who can say what will happen after that year? Who knows what sights he'll behold? We don't. Those of us at home, we know our job is to be strong when the contact home, to be the support they need when things are going bad. We are the ones who, despite what ever drama is going on here at home, we put on a smiling face when they call home, video chat on Skype, or write an email. (The way things have changed!) We hold down the fort and keep all the family members in the know about what we can safely share. We are the contact that all the family leans on to know that our loved one is safe.

I'm gathering my strength. I know that when I know the exact date he leaves, it's going to make it harder on me. But I will have to stifle my worries. Why? Why should I stifle them and not lament to my husband that I don't want him to leave? Why should I stifle my every whimper and complaint? Because all my concerns, all my woos, are nothing compared to what he's about to face. It's nothing compared to the the heat that will boil him during the day and the cold that will chill him at night. It's nothing compared to the dangers he will have to maneuver and over come, with the understanding that every decision he makes, someone's life could be on the line. How can our little issues, our measly problems be compared to the thoughts after someone on your squad was injured? It can't.

Though I never saw battle, or anything remotely close, I know some of what must be going through his mind. I was once in the Army and know some what how things work. I know better than most civilians. The only civilians that know better are those who spent more time either married to a soldier or were a soldier themselves.

As you celebrate the birthday of this great nation, thank a soldier, but also thank their spouse.