101 Reasons to Kill All the Lawyers

# 65. They can be a little too sensitive

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:01:00 +0000

The murderer and the bail application

To be a regular client of a criminal firm you not only need to persistently commit crimes (allegedly or otherwise) but also be caught, often. As criminals reach their mid 20s many find it difficult to maintain this level of commitment.

In the London criminal firm where I worked as a newly qualified lawyer there was such a client. Although, in his mid 30s, when he was not allegedly stealing in a violent sort of way he was being arrested for driving offences and assaults. Eventually, he committed a murder and changed law firms.

My boss who was prone to hysterics, took this badly and marched down the police station with the words “he is not going to get away with this”. He angrily confronted the alleged murderer in his police cell and insisted that he change back to our firm, which he did.

Next morning, the client was understandably disappointed when my boss sent me to court to represent him.

The client wanted me to make a bail application and I recall saying “We may not get it” in the hope that he might decide that he would leave it. He didn’t.

In the circumstances the bail application, apart from the fact that it was refused, went quite well. He was later convicted.

My boss continued to be let down. The local Italian cafe owner had a 16 year old daughter who was kept on a very short lead. The father sent her for two weeks of work experience at our firm. On her first day she agreed to a date with a client charged with administering date rape drugs. This was quickly cancelled by my boss. On Day Two she wore less clothing and more make up. From that point, we all lived in a state of fear of Mafia type reprisals until she was returned safe and sound to the unsuspecting father at the end of the work experience.

Two years later my boss died of a brain tumour. His increasingly paranoid behaviour did not seem to put off our clients, in fact, they really liked it.

(c) Paul Brennan 2009.

#. 64. They don't answer our calls quickly enough

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:27:00 +0000

Lawyer’s Telephone message

Please listen to the following five options.

Press 1 to ask how much a standard will costs, only to die 30 years later without getting one.

Press 2 to ask about getting rid of your spouse, only to decide you will give him another chance.

Press 3 for telling your neighbour where to get off and then having to move house as a result.

Press 4 for advice on bankruptcy or guaranteeing your children’s debts and/or both.

Press 5 to sue your enemy for defamation etc., only to be told you cannot afford it.

To speak to a lawyer press “o” and wait.

(c) Paul Brennan 2009

# 63. They show no restraint

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 08:19:00 +0000

Showing Some Restraint -Of Trade

Anyone who has watched Fatal Attraction will know how hard it is to get rid of some people.

For instance, you bought a “Brazilian Wax” business and one year later the owner sets up down the road. You sue. You find yourself in court asking for an injunction to close him down.

The “restraint of trade” clause in the contract will not work if it is unreasonable. It has three elements:

1. Distance- Is 50 kilometres reasonable?
It is not just a “drop em, rip and tear” operation but requires a degree of intimacy that you would not trust to anyone. The judge might liken it to his tailor. Find examples of other clients who are prepared to travel 50km to be tortured.
2. Duration- Is five years reasonable? If the Vendor was to return to the area and start up a competing business within 5 years would this damage the business that he sold to you? I would say yes unless he had developed cold hands.
3. Type of business. Brazilian waxing is a very small area of business to restrain. It is difficult to know if the judge would allow you to expand the restriction to legs, backs and chests or top lips. He would want to protect the goodwill sold to you. Finger nails may be out of the question.

Such clauses are not a “lay down hand”: You must think carefully about what you need and don’t ask for the world. Take a careful look at the vendor and decide if he is ready to let go. But if you paid good money hopefully the judge will produce the right answer.

In one case a judge adjourned a trial while he took a ride on a bus-his first. If the judge in your case decides to have a “Brazilian” my advice is-sell tickets.

(c) Paul Brennan 2007.

# 62. They hate government departments

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 06:26:00 +0000

Fights with Government Departments

To their credit government departments have the professionalism and training to listen quietly when you throw a tantrum. But what if slamming the phone down and telling your wife is not enough?

Decisions regarding licences, permissions, trade marks, taxes-there are no end of decisions that government departments can make to wind you up.

Here, again government departments outshine private industry and other non-governmental organisations (except maybe Opus Dei) in inventing ways to be castigated.

In the past only “aggrieved parties” could complain but now all sorts of people can get angry and complain.

There is normally an appeal time limit. Don’t miss it, as extensions are unlikely.

There are four ways to appeal:

1. Letter to the Minister.
2. The Ombudsman. He does not have power to force anyone to do anything but he can investigate complaints in an informal Scandinavian sort of way (they have come a long way since the Vikings).
3. Appeal Tribunal. Many appeals can be made to tribunals. Usually informal and cheap.
4. Judicial review application to the court which can quash the decision and make the department’s life a misery.
a. It does not hear the evidence/witnesses again. It decides if the Department had the power to make the decision and if they exercised that power lawfully e.g. bad faith, bias, irrelevant considerations, improper delegation.
b. It takes time and is expensive.
c. Even if you win it may just be sent back to the Minister to think again. In response to this the Minister can simply remake the decision using the correct procedures.

I was once a member of an organisation where an aggrieved person travelled for hours just to throw a brick through our window. Simple, effective and does not need to be in writing but regrettably illegal even against government departments.

Extract from "The Law is an Ass...Make sure it doesn't bite yours!"

# 61. They try to talk you out of suing

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:44:00 +0000

The Gathering Storm - The First Visit to Your Lawyer

If your living room looks a little untidy, are you the sort of person who starts cleaning in the attic? It is easy to approach a legal dispute from the wrong angle and become overwhelmed.

Here are three reasons why you delay in seeing your lawyer:

1. You decide to work on the problem yourself- 3am is always a good time for this sort of reflection.
2. You want to organise every last page of detail-letters, emails, diagrams, photos to give your lawyer the clearest picture.
3. You have another go at getting your adversary to see sense, which fails.

Some people don’t do all this. They go to their lawyers early, get the advice and are often able to avoid the legal dispute and move on. Dull I know.

A lawyer may approach the first interview in three stages:

Stage 1
• What damage have you really suffered? He doesn’t care about the ins and out of how you have been shafted only the consequences.
• Is there a cheaper or alternative method of getting what you want as opposed to legal action?
Stage 2 If legal action is the only solution:
• Can you prove it? Start from a position of strength or you are likely to lose.
• Can you gather more evidence? Hopefully you have left the door open to interacting with your adversary.
Stage 3 A reality check:
• Do you want to spend the cash? You may decide to spend the money on a holiday instead.
• Do you have the grit that litigation requires? More than aggression it requires time and hard work.

All this can often be done in a thirty minute initial interview. There will be plenty of time for 3am consideration and mind numbing detail later, if that is necessary.

Extract from Unleashing the Dogs of Law...How to Win or Lose Your Dispute in the Bad Times by Paul Brennan

# 60. They can do a runner

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Let sleeping clients lie

You would expect every lawyer to have a story about a client falling asleep on him or her. In fact, it is fairly rare and has happened to me, only once.

I was a defence lawyer appearing at Horseferry Road Magistrates Court near Victoria Station, London.

My client in his 50s was well turned out in shirt, tie, blazer and grey flannel trousers. He was on a suspended sentence. I told him that he was going to prison where he had been many times before, always for theft. Like so many clients, drink had been his downfall.

By 11am he seemed jolly. By noon he had a manic grin. I started to beg the list officer to get us on. Just before lunch he had become morose and disshellved which could hopefully be mistaken for remorse rather than extreme drunkeness. We were called on.

During my plea in mitigation the Magistrate drew my attention to the snoring coming from the dock which had grown to an unacceptable level which even the legal process could not ignore.

I looked into the dock and there was my client on the floor, fast asleep.

The Magistrate unexpectedly sentenced my sleeping client to probation and went to lunch. The courtroom cleared. We were alone.

With great difficulty, I woke my client up and tried to explain what had happened or at least my understandably inflated version of it.

But, by then he was unbearably drunk and seemed not to understand his good fortune and my role in it. He wanted money. He advanced on me with his hand out.

I did what many other lawyers have done over the centuries ...... a runner. Easily outpacing him on the stairs, past security, out onto the street, never to see him again.

“Things won are done, joy's soul lies in the doing”.

© Paul Brennan 2009

# 59. They sue people for no reason

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 08:58:00 +0000

How to apportion blame.

We all make mistakes. However, in my experience, it is easier and more convenient to blame others for your own mistakes.

Your family and friends can be relied upon to accept your version of events, however skewed they may be. But, others often try to understand your enemy’s position. This is of course infuriating. Suing your enemy is the best way to shut these doubters up.

Isn’t it risky to sue someone for something that was your own fault? Not at all, people do it all the time. However, it is prudent to let your spouse think it was his or her idea then even if things go wrong it will give you useful ammunition for years to come. Likewise, do not make the mistake of choosing your own lawyer, it is best to follow a recommendation of say a hated in-law.

It is essential to get rid of your first lawyer early on then you can blame him or her for messing up your case. If it is a particularly hopeless case, change lawyers several times. This should help to muddy the waters.

At some stage, it will start to become clear to the other lawyers that your case is particularly weak and even the judge could start to side with your opponents. Please don’t worry. You are going to court to insist on your right to a fair hearing, the facts should soon become secondary to the various skirmishes. A good tactic is to sack your lawyer and represent yourself. The fundamental wish to give you a fair hearing can often override the judge’s sense that your case is a joke.

At the end of the day, provided that you have laid the groundwork of multiple lawyers, a domineering spouse who doesn’t listen to reason, interfering relatives and a crazy, unreasonable opponent then you can feel safe in the knowledge that the legal system, lawyers and society in general, are to blame.

Extract from Suffering 101. (c)Paul Brennan 2009.

# 58. They do the banks' dirty work

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 11:23:00 +0000

I have a dream

- Bank disclosure

Banks give us truck loads of paper all in the name of telling us what we are signing up to.

Even if we read it most of us would still have a hazy idea of credit card terms, loan terms and bank fees.

Before clients sign loan documents banks insist that their customer's lawyer explains what it means. Banks do this as they think that judges deliberately let off supposedly confused little old ladies who say that they did not know what they were signing. Heaven forbid.

I object to banks wasting paper, my time and their customer's money in this way, but I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day a bank's disclosure documents will be judged on their capacity to be easily understood by all God’s children and not on the weight of the paper provided.

I have a dream that one day even the legal departments of banks, sweltering with the heat of verbosity, will be transformed into an oasis of brevity.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a world where banks do not insist that I need to pay a lawyer to be told what will happen if I guarantee their loans and they default.

I have a dream today!

And when this happens, when bank disclosure documents are just one A4 page saying “You and your guarantors will be pursued into hell if you do not pay up” trees will be saved, lawyers will be released from telling people the obvious and be able to join hands with the bank clerks who prepare this boring paperwork and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

© Paul Brennan 2009

Click here to see and read the speech "I have a dream" by Martin Luther King Jr.

# 57. They don't seem to understand our issues

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 10:24:00 +0000

Leaving your spouse out of your will

Dear John

My spouse is devoted to me but I worry that in grief at my death, my spouse will fall easy prey to some fortune hunter. Of course, I would not begrudge some happiness after my passing but what if my spouse dies and leaves everything to this chancer’s children?

P.M.

Southend, UK

Dear P.M.

Whether you have worked hard to earn it, had the good fortune to have someone leave it to you, or just spent the last 40 years bored witless watching your spouse amass it, your concern is understandable.

We all from time to time consider leaving our money directly to our children expecting our spouses to understand. They generally don’t. In fact, they expect the children to see sense and renounce their windfall whereas your children naturally decide to respect your wishes.

If you adopt this strategy there are risks:

You can expect your spouse to sue the estate. Such cases often settle but only after acrimonious affidavits full of accusations about your sanity, bad temper and slovenly habits. Fortunately, this is all done in confidence, it is not as if your neighbours and friends get to read the unpleasant detail, unless of course they are called as witnesses.
I would suggest that you make your own funeral arrangements just in case your spouse decides to cut a few corners.
Above all, you must not allow your spouse to know of your intentions in case they decide to do the same thing. Whereas they need to be saved from themselves you probably feel that you can be trusted to leave the money to your kids unless of course they marry unwisely or forget to call you on your birthday.

To look on the bright side, you are usually long gone before the fighting starts. But, if you cannot stand to have your memory besmirched in this manner but still fear your money ending up with the wrong person there really is only one option: don’t go.

I hope this helps.

J.F.

Extract from John Fytit’s International Problem Page. (c) Paul Brennan 2009.

# 56. They hate cats

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:44:00 +0000

John Fytit’s International Problem Page

- Your Legal problems shared

Dear John

Despite having a cat door, every night, my cat wakes me up wanting to be let in and out or vice versa. My sleep is being severely disturbed. Is it illegal to kill a cat?

H.M. Dublin, Eire

Dear H.M

Cats do not have nine lives. This old adage is a reference to failed assassination attempts by their owners, so you are not alone. My own cat has a permanent scowl.

Your cat is your property and you can kill it, provided it is not done in a cruel manner. For instance, drowning in a bucket although quick, may be prohibited as an extreme form of water boarding. Even a pillow placed gently over the face after it has dozed for 20 hours straight in its favourite chair may be considered cruel in the cold light of the court room.

Therefore, it is best left to your Vet. But, most Vets, not all, are animal lovers and treat requests for execution of a healthy albeit malevolent animal as motivated by cruel intent and therefore illegal.

This is why many regimes, when dealing with subversives, use “trumped up” charges. As the Vet’s determination is behind closed doors with no witnesses, no investigation and no appeal, accusations of attacks on pregnant mothers, babies, widows or, as a last resort, puppies should work fairly well. As many cats have a night life that Hannibal Lechter would be proud of, the Vet should be easily convinced that he is dealing with an enemy of the state and any delay on his part may result in a law suit against him by one of the victims.

But, your cat’s untimely death may not improve your sleep. Guilt may weigh upon you as it did with Lady Macbeth. Alternatively, your small triumph may result in you turning on other members of your family who are even more irritating.

If you have reached an age where you find that your only nemesis is your cat it probably means that you should get out more. At least, that is my plan.

J.F.

(c)Paul Brennan 2009.

John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.

For further extracts from John Fytit’s International Problem Page sign up to the free monthly Law & Disorder eZine.

# 55. They blame their clients if they lose

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 07:20:00 +0000

The best criminal defence ever

If there was an Oscar for the best criminal defence ever it would go to what I know as the ‘Jump Up’ defence. I don’t know why it is called that. Imagine that you are a criminal. You have just stolen a TV and you are carrying it down the street. A policeman catches you red-handed. Being a criminal you stay stumm. At your trial you say that you were walking along the road when a man said to you, ‘Do you want to make some cash?’ Being out of work, you agreed. The man tells you to pick up a TV and follow him. You were following him, carrying the TV, when the policeman stopped you.

In criminal trials the prosecution must prove the case beyond reasonable doubt so that the jury is sure. Juries often give the defendant the benefit of the doubt especially where the Jump Up defence is used.

So why doesn’t everyone plead clever defences like the Jump Up? Well, defence lawyers are not able to assist their clients (even a little bit) in concocting untrue defences. Defendants often learn basic defence strategy in prison, however, it displays a marked lack of creativity. They can’t all have brilliant criminal minds. If they were that smart at school they would now be bank managers.

What lawyers will not do is represent you in a not guilty plea to the court if they know you are guilty. I have had to work with some lousy, implausible defences over the years, but some have turned out to be true—so you never know. Therefore, the only way to be sure that your lawyer knows that you are guilty is for you to tell him.

Finally, I suggest that you expect professional detachment from your lawyer rather than tea and sympathy. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

(c) Extract from The Law is an Ass...Make sure it doesn't bite yours!

# 54. They make things worse

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:10:00 +0000

Mediate and be damned

The CIA is alleged to have launched 638 assassination attempts against Fidel Castro including one using an exploding cigar.

Unfortunately assassination is not available to litigants-they are condemned to fight their enemy in the Courts.
Many people find that issuing a writ feels better than sex (depending, of course, on who their current partner is). However in some entrenched cases, after a year or so, all parties can feel like they have been through the mill.
At this stage neither party is prepared to give up but they may be ready for Mediation which is where you meet the other party with their lawyers with the object of settling the dispute.

In the ‘70’s there was no mediation that I recall. Clients were advised not to speak to their opponent. A writ would be served and skirmishes would occur up to the hearing where a huge number of cases settled at the court door. Few facts were admitted. Communication with what we still call “the other side” would be for the most part aggressive. Early settlement would be initiated by the defendant, if at all.

Acting outside these bounds was seen as a sign of weakness. In many cases it still is.

What happens:

1. The lawyers agree on a suitable Mediator usually (yes, you guessed it) another practising lawyer.
2. The parties attend the Mediator’s office.
3. A lawyer on each side makes a brief case overview presentation (five minutes). This can be like the assegai waiving and chanting at the start of “Zulu” or a “Budget Speech” depending on your lawyer.
4. The parties split up into different rooms and once apart the Mediator will tell each party that their case stinks and it will cost them far more that they thought.
5. The Mediator will then flit between the rooms conveying offers back and forth and nag the parties into offering far more than they ever expected until an agreement is reached.

The ideal finish to Mediation (from the Mediator’s twisted point of view) is that both parties walk away feeling that they have been done.

In a perfect world your enemy would leave the Mediation and be promptly run over by a bus. This seldom happens.

If you can't let it go and Mediation is not for you then there is always the exploding cigar.

# 53. Their advice is too academic

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:19:00 +0000

Extreme Alternative Dispute Resolution (“EADR”)
For those of you who do not have the money, temperament or time for litigation and have no wish to engage in “limp wristed” mediation then another possibility is to “bump off” your enemy.
I do not include husbands and wives as the trouble with murdering your spouse is that you are usually the prime suspect for understandable reasons.
In my view, murder of your enemy is strictly a DIY activity. Unless you are well in with organized crime then it is best not to hire a hit man. They just do not seem to take the same care these days and so often turn out to be police agent provocateurs.
Unless, you are a particularly creative person, do not expect to commit the perfect undetected crime, first time. Although, this does happen in crime dramas with so many others tuning in, the modus operandi of TV programs can be a little oversubscribed.
Do not broadcast your hatred and you will have surprise on your side having spent your life staying within the law without any criminal convictions, except the occasional bit of shoplifting. Your participation in a murder could leave the police baffled with no motive. Even telling your spouse about your hatred can be risky as now they are entitled to give evidence against you and they do. Frankly, if I can be sexist about this for a moment……. especially the wives.
In my view, the best homicidal method is not stabbing, poisoning or strangling (however satisfying those methods may seem). It is running your adversary down in a stolen motor vehicle such as a four wheel drive. The big advantage of a four wheel drive is that owners often leave them open with the keys in the ignition in a sub conscious bid to get rid of them.

But for those of you who are not ready for murder on ethical grounds. One of the great benefits of age is to watch your enemies die before you do. Life prolonging, entertaining and entirely legal.

# 52. They are always too busy

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 09:57:00 +0000

Being busy-the 8th habit

Is your lawyer busy? As a junior lawyer, I may have struggled to draw up the correct documents, or write a letter which did not need substantial amendment but, I got the hang of being busy, straight away.

There are many advantages to being busy. You can arrive late at meetings, not return telephone calls, cut short conversations or simply be MIA (Missing in Action) at Court for days on end, leaving things to your secretary. You no longer need a “to do list”. Things do not slip by, as other people are constantly calling you up and asking you where it is. You are of course too busy to take their calls but it is an option not usually available to diligent people.

But now everyone seems to be at it.

Plumbers used to arrive on time and were “under the gun” of the lady of the house until the job was done. Now, by using the “busy” business model they not only get paid more, they can arrive late but still find house owners forgiving and circumspect. Mobile phones allow plumbers to escape to other emergencies.

Doctors applying the ”busy” model have time for a chat, despite the full waiting room.

Being busy has been recognized as a spiritual tool and an essential part of the “Law of Attraction”. Apparently, you will find the universe amending the work practices of others so that they do some of your work to try to get you to the stage, you should have been at, if you had not been so busy.

In fact, developing the habit of convincing people that you are busy has been hailed as the new alternative to customer service and a lot less taxing.

(c) Paul Brennan 2009.

# 51. They enjoy causing upset

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:18:00 +0000

How to fight your own battles

Other people upset you. One day you realize that the real problem is that some people will not surrender to your charm offensive and behave in the way that you think they should, even if it is for their own good.

You have tried standing up for yourself but win or lose you just don’t enjoy it as much as people toeing your line voluntarily.

The answer is to stand up for someone else. Fighting other people’s battles is far easier. For example, the risk of losing money is quite bearable when it is not your money, as is the risk of physical harm. In fact, you will find yourself being quite aggressive and even brave on their account.

Being released from their own commitments they may want to fight your battles. This is where your problem really begins as you do not want these potential champions, to mess it up. Therefore, fighting everybody’s battles is a mistake. You must pick and choose carefully, by assessing the fighting capabilities of potential champions which can be divided into three categories: physical, verbal or just not speaking to people and causing an atmosphere. It is best to have some champions in each category.

Next you will need to carefully analyse your opponents. Some opponents think that by making other people unhappy it makes them feel better, maybe it does. But, to get maximum enjoyment they must stick to their own area of expertise in order to reduce the risk of losing. For instance, the opponent who creates atmospheres is supreme in many work and family situations but is understandably afraid of a person who will beat them up for doing it. They will even avoid anyone who might shout at them. Whereas, you are a good loser, opponents are generally bad losers and therefore, must spend a lot of time working out who to pick on.

But, what happens if the person who you are fighting on someone else’s behalf makes it personal against you and you start to experience all the pain of fighting your own battles? In that case, you immediately hand it over. With the right champion you can even have them beaten up as an example to other opponents who want to step out of line. This works particularly well in the case of family members or work colleagues.

Once, you have a stable of champions you will be tempted to revisit old scores, the older you get the better the element of surprise. Resist it.

Extract from Suffering 101 © Paul Brennan

# 50. They have no pity

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 03:28:00 +0000

How to feel sorry for yourself

Feeling sorry for yourself is ok. But, getting other people to feel sorry for you and then reluctantly joining in is so much more satisfying.

Although, some people display natural self pitying ability from an early age, for many of us it is a matter of practice, trial and error especially if we don’t just wish to do it alone.

Self pity should not be confused with misery however much some people seem to enjoy it. Misery usually requires a demonstration of hurt and pain whereas competent self pityists aim for the bearing stoically and silently of one’s burdens in a dignified manner which can be done alone as a silent meditation but generally it is best if other people appreciate what you are going through.

But for the newcomer tired of going it alone how can this “Enhanced Self Pity” be achieved? There are two criteria to get right - audience and subject. Getting either wrong can lead to misery which is to be avoided (see above).

Audience

Audiences are best selected from people who have nothing better to do such as your co-workers.

Many people turn to a small but significant audience consisting of their own mother and work out from there.

Your lawyer or accountant can be an excellent audience but are likely to wish to charge you for it by the minute and therefore should be treated as a last resort.

Often parents make the mistake of trying Enhanced Self Pity after they have repeatedly tried screaming, pleading, crying and bribing in their attempt to exercise control over their teenage children. However, sadly teenagers like some retirees seem immune to any suffering other than their own.

Spouses can be excellent audiences provided the subject is life threatening and you have had the foresight to take out a substantial life insurance policy otherwise they are not known for their bedside manner.

Subject

For Solitary Self Pity the subject can be entirely selfish and range from imagining your own death (however distant) to not being invited to a party. However, in Enhanced Self Pity the subject is opened to public scrutiny and therefore needs to be gritty without the consequences being too serious for you. For this reason, a terminal illness or the loss of a leg has limited appeal. It is best to focus on other people letting you down. This is acknowledged to be emotionally painful without any physical suffering on your part.

Whereas your teenage children make a lousy audience they are an excellent subject and elicit immediate sympathy even from the most cynical audience as will your boss, your spouse or aging parents.

After age 45, feeling sorry for yourself is up there with sex and getting your son to mow the lawn but only if it is done right.

Extract from Suffering 101 by Paul Brennan

# 49. They think that no one will take them on

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 07:35:00 +0000

Mission financial crisis accomplished!

“Stiffing” is a common term in the software industry meaning “charging like a bull” when you have your customers “over a barrel”.

This month, one of my legal software providers was taken over by a larger software company which immediately notified me of a 300% increase in my payments. I made email complaint to the CEO and he called me to say that he would be upset too, if he were me. Having unexpectedly achieved solidarity with the CEO, I tried to understand his position which seemed to be that the increase would encourage me to pay even more to buy his full package, leading to savings for my practice and making Queensland small legal firms more efficient.

I wanted to explain to him that when rubbed up the wrong way Queensland solicitors can be an ill-tempered, quarrelsome, truly disagreeable bunch and I do not say that just because I am married to one. I wondered if other Queensland solicitors were ready to understand the subtle potential benefits of what felt like a software company marching into Queensland and launching an unprovoked attack.

I had to ask myself the 3 questions that I put to my own clients when reacting to an injustice: “Is it really worth it?”, “What are the chances of a quick victory?” and “Who has the most to lose?”.

As much as I would usually try to reason with clients who disregarded the answers to questions 1 and 2, the fact that the answers in my case were “No” and “Not Great” did not bother me one bit once I realized that the infidel invader had much more to lose.

The mission statement of the larger software company which I shall call “X”, no doubt, is to love and respect its customers and not to wind them up, even though its customer base are lawyers. I suspect that this increase or surge as it may come to be known, must be the action of some fresh faced chancer working in the X Sales Department, greedy for a quick killing over Christmas and ignorant of the consequences for the X brand of this apparent breach of the trust built up by its predecessor over the years.

Days passed without any apparent reaction. I conducted several internet searches:
“Queensland solicitors taken advantage of”, “….squeezed”, “…… shafted”, “…screwed”.
The result for each search was “nil” and I began to worry that my searches were giving me an unwelcome insight into my own psyche rather than any useful information on the impending jihad.

The letter advising of the increase arrived just before the Christmas holiday and the bad news had been “buried” on the 2nd page. However, as contracts were due for renewal on 31 December 2008 I assume that shortly, things will hit the fan.

Should things not hit the fan, I suggest that we all increase our fees by 300%. If we cannot beat the financial crisis-let’s help expand it.

This is an extract from the free “Law & Disorder” Ezine which can be subscribed to at http://www.lawanddisorder.com.au/ezine.html. Paul Brennan is a solicitor practicing on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast and author of “The Law for IT Professionals”.

# 48. They don't understand love

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 07:47:00 +0000

Fighting with your spouse

The New Year marks the start of the divorce lawyer’s busy season. Married couples have emerged from the trenches of what is paradoxically called The Season of Good Will to launch themselves with gusto into the divorce courts.

However even though most of us will decide to give it another year it may be an opportune time to consider The Three Rules of Divorce (“The Three “D’s”).

Paul Simon suggested that there are 50 ways to leave your lover. In a divorce situation they all seem to involve the slamming of doors and shouting.

Divorce Rule 1 - Do nothing to wind your partner up. Now if you really cannot resist fighting with your spouse maybe you are not ready for divorce. In divorce, the more satisfying the insult the more it will cost you in legal fees to sort it out. So in divorce be nice to your spouse. Where children are involved this will help keep a semblance of goodwill which you will need in the ensuing years.

Divorce Rule 2 - Don’t make any quick decisions. Try not to be motivated by feelings of bitterness and anger. Whether you finally decide on counselling or a ruthlessly executed departure (a little like The Godfather when the family moved to Las Vegas), a bit of thought can help you do it better.

Planning will help you to carefully list the assets to identify and secure anything that is not nailed down such as bank accounts (I am assuming that you may not be the only one in your marriage who is thinking about divorce).

Divorce Rule 3- Do speak to your lawyer before doing anything. At a time when you are too emotionally involved to make rational decisions lawyers are a disinterested party (in some cases you may feel a little too disinterested-so choose carefully). They can give you the sensible advice that you need.

There is one question that every intending divorcee asks - “Is divorce expensive?”. The legal answer is “Only if it is done right”.

Extract from Unleashing the dogs of law...How to win or lose your legal dispute in the Bad Times

# 47. They can be a touch pompous

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 10:17:00 +0000

Some lawyers pressed to produce billable hours become paranoid about people wasting their time.

There was a lawyer in Sydney who had his secretary call me and ask me to wait on the line, so I would be ready to speak to him. I assume she then told him that I was on the line and he could pick up his telephone without wasting valuable seconds of his time. I transferred the call back to my secretary just in time for him to come on the line, so he could wait for me while I toyed with the idea of getting my secretary to say that I was too busy to speak to him. This is the sort of legal drama which is not usually covered on TV.

In some cases, lawyers are right and there are people dedicated to wasting their time.

As an articled clerk, I would knock on one partner’s door and he would shout “enter”.

I would then go into his office and stand silently in front of his desk while he finished writing with a scratchy fountain pen.

He would them look up and that was the signal for me to tell him in one sentence, what I wanted.

He would then say either “ Continue” and I would stumble on or he would say “I am too busy” and I would stumble out.

Whether it was a “stumble on” or a “stumble out” job, he would tell me to put the file in his in-tray and that would give us both a break for a few weeks.

You don’t get training like that anymore.

In extreme cases, lawyers can be like bus drivers who do not stop at the bus stops to pick up passengers as it interferes with the timetable.

So rather than thinking pompous, think psychotic. I hope this helps.

# 46. Lawyers are often strange characters

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 09:02:00 +0000

A legal road less travelled

My resume states, “Schooling: St Thomas More, Chelsea, London”, however my school report read, “Lazy, talkative and notable”. I thought “notable” did not sound too bad until I realized it was “not able”.

They were the days before parent rage stalked school halls and teachers would give their unrestrained opinions, such as my gym teacher who wrote “physically immobile”. Today, I would probably get a more subtly insulting “You must be very proud of him”.

I left school having failed every exam, except art.

I had lost both parents by the age of 11. This gave me an independence and freedom, of which most teenagers could only dream.

I made a promising start by taking up smoking and hitch-hiking around Europe. However, my “walk on the wild side” ended when I joined London’s Metropolitan Police Cadets. I was 16. My father had been a policeman at West End Central and I wanted to follow in his footsteps. The reality, however, was marching, exercise, study and discipline. I was terrible at it all or so they said, however, there was a gradual improvement.

After two years, I had achieved average and was assigned to Greenwich Police Station. The Police Sergeants, who were our instructors, did this by shouting “Move yourself” and “Shut up”; Still good advice for me today.

At 18, I saw an advertisement for a US Summer Camp Counselor. I left the police. At the Camp I was a judo instructor for 8-12 year olds. As Woody Allen said, “the bigger the opponent, the bigger the beating” but I did not tell them that. The US experience changed my life and within four years my resume would record LL.B (Hons).

My first job was as a law clerk at McMillan Binch, a large Toronto firm. Unlike Australia, an Englishman in Canada is not immediately disliked, they wait a few minutes.

Finally, I started two year articles in a general practice called Rimmers in Aylesbury, UK. Years later I was to base the look of my legal cartoon character on my long suffering and kind Principal, John Fortgang who eventually became a judge. Now people ask if it is me.

In 1982, I qualified, met Lord Denning and married a lawyer.

I became a solicitor at New Scotland Yard and then at the criminal firm, which once represented Christine Keeler. In 1985, my wife and I opened the first Brennans solicitors in Lewisham, South London. On the first weekend someone carved their initials into our brass plate and a man was murdered in the pub next door.

I represented up to 5 defendants a day in London’s Magistrates Courts: Burglary, drink driving, assaults. Soon, I employed other people to go to court as the property boom was creating a lot of legal work.

After two years, we emigrated to Sydney. Within 6 months of arriving, the flat property market boomed and my wife and I had set up Brennans no. 2.

The boom ended and we went to Hong Kong, where we stayed for 10 years. At first I was a consultant at a criminal firm: Smugglers, Madams and a transvestite shop lifter. It was an improved class of criminal clientele and better dressed too.

After that I was at the Hong Kong Law Society conducting investigations, disciplinary proceedings and intervening in failed solicitors firms. Eventually, there was an ICAC raid with many arrests in order to try and curb corruption in some law firms.

I ran the Macau Marathon. The following day I found the pain eased by walking backwards.

For the next 5 years, I was at the US Multi-national, Intel conducting anti-piracy raids in Asia: Limos, stock options, 5 star hotels and no billable hours. Like most people working in-house, I resent any of you for thinking that it was easy.

After Intel, I was called to the bar and became a tenant barrister in the Temple, London. From there, I was head hunted to be General Counsel of the Federation Against Software Theft to conduct enforcement and lobbying in the UK and Europe. I became a post graduate in IP law and wrote my first book. Later I was sent as an EU IP enforcement expert as part of a delegation to Beijing. I haven’t been invited back.

Now, I am in general practice with my wife in Mooloolaba on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. We have four children and yes I did lecture them on the importance of hard work by skating over my own school record, as most parents do.

My experience is that the law in other countries can feel very familiar, depressingly so for some people. A legal issue can turn on one word or the lack of it, I know. But, clients have the same legal issues worldwide and lawyers tend to apply similar solutions. I try to make my writing on law internationally applicable and if possible, funny.

My books, CDs and ebooks have titles like “The Law is an Ass…Make sure it doesn’t bite yours!”, “The 10 Greatest Legal Mistakes in Business …and how to avoid them”, “A Legal Guide to Dying….Baby Boomers Edition”. It is the sort of daily advice that small firm lawyers give to their clients.

My current blog http://www.101reasonstokillallthelawyers.com/ is for the legal profession. It has legal cartoons and humourous legal articles. It takes all the bad things people say about the law and the legal industry. It examines each one. I decided on 101 reasons as I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001.

I have a monthly eZine called “Law & Disorder”. I am a speaker and MC. I draw legal cartoons for the Australian Financial Review. My cartoons have just been launched in America by The Billable Hour Co as greeting cards; Lawyer jokes are international too.

So, for any young lawyers, who has an interest in drawing legal cartoons, speaking and writing about law humorously, this is an ideal career template. For anybody else, career planning may be an attractive alternative.

# 45. They take their time

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 06:29:00 +0000

The UK's longest trial lasted for 2.5 years. It was the McLibel case where McDonalds sued two people who complained about the food. McDonalds won. It should have been a lot shorter but it kept repeating on itself.

Other cases, as opposed to just the trial have lasted much longer.

A case in NSW has just finished after 65 years. However, the prize must go to Indian lawyers who in the Hindu Temple case ( 1205-1966) kept the case going for an incredible 761 years. Since then, Indian lawyers have moved on and by applying modern day court techniques, such as mediation this could have been wrapped up by the time of the Mutiny.

One of the frequently stated reasons for the delay in these cases is the inconvenient death of the lawyer involved, helpfully put forward by the deceased former partners.

# 44. The Twelve

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 22:53:00 +0000

Lawyers are hated for being arrogant, pompous, aggressive, tactless, confrontational, pedantic, expensive, unscrupulous, ruthless, negative, devious and slow.
For many centuries, lawyers have been tight lipped about these 12 legal characteristics or “the 12” as they are known, but many now admit to feeling pressured by clients and others to live up to such a high expectation.
Lawyers have come to resent the daily drudge of being right all the time and find themselves bucking tradition by speaking to their staff normally rather than in the more customary “irritated” tone of voice.
“Sometimes, I have what my secretary calls a “normal day”, said one lawyer, “staff found it strange, at first”.
A recent study has found that lawyers are living off a reputation earned centuries ago and many, now, rely on their secretaries to add the sort of unpleasantness normally expected of lawyers. However, without Law School training, many secretaries struggle to meet such an exacting standard. Clients, who believe that their lawyers are too arrogant to see them, would be shocked to learn that it is a fear of being found out that is driving lawyers into isolation. However, the cracks are starting to appear. “ I find my lawyer quite nice”, said one client who did not wish to be named.
Senior lawyers blame legal education. “They come out of law school, they don’t know how to behave and would not know a Res Ipsa Loquitur if it hit them on the back of the head”, said one Managing Partner of a large law firm, “We have become so concerned that we have decided to take legal education in house. Basically, clients do not want advice, which is easy to follow, they can get that anywhere”.
Top Legal bodies believe that increasing demand for lawyers has flooded the profession with people who cannot be trusted to display the right attitude. While stressing the importance of women in the legal community a spokesman said, “They made a promising start in the 1980’s and we had hopes of adding “scary” to the list. However, while they have an excellent command of the 12, they have developed a less than obvious style, which has made them approachable and that is the slippery slope”.
The profession has turned to training organizations which have demonstrated success with medical, dental and other receptionists. One legal spokesman said, “We were interested to know how receptionists are able to generate such aggression and ill will among clients and patients with such minimal interaction”.
With lawyers in disarray, some accountants have seized the opportunity to develop their own 12 with a view to increasing their charge out rates. One accountant said, “We have been working on “pedantic and slow” for quite a while, however we are now ready to tackle “expensive” and “negative”. With “boring”, “incredibly tight” and “no sense of humour” under our belts we only need 5, or is that 4, more”.

# 43. They don't always return telephone calls promptly

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:22:00 +0000

Last year, I attended a speech by one of Australia's funniest business speakers, Martin Grunstein. During his speech, completely out of the blue his eyes rolled back in their sockets and he said that lawyers were “very arrogant and never returned phone calls”.
I took immediate exception to his use of the word “very".
When I first started I knew one lawyer who did not even use a telephone, so in some cases there may be a reasonable excuse. In any event, telephone calls are so over, we now focus on not returning emails.

# 42. They have done some dirty deeds

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 01:51:00 +0000

The importance of avoiding legal potholes

In 1895 “The Importance of being Earnest” opened to packed theatre audiences. The playwright, Oscar Wilde received rave reviews except from the Marquis of Queensbury who was the father of Oscar’s “partner”, Lord Alfred Douglas (“Bosie”).

What was acceptable homophobia in those days is probably illegal today and what was an illegal practice then is “A” ok now which just shows you how fickle the law can be, especially if you are on the wrong end of it.

The Marquis added his then understandable (but now unreasonable) righteous indignation, to his eccentric, cantankerous and feisty (he did invent the Queensbury Rules) nature and tried to make their life a misery. Oscar considered having the Marquis bound over to keep the peace, but wanted to avoid scandal.

The Marquis finally went too far when he left a card at Oscar’s club saying "To Oscar Wilde posing as a Somdomite".

Either the insult or the misspelling or both drove Oscar over the edge. He decided to have the Marquis charged with criminal libel. Oscar’s lawyer exercising caution required Oscar to swear on a bible that the insult was not true, which he did.

The trial was abandoned after the defence threatened to produce evidence from rent boys, to support the allegation. However, the lawyers for the Marquis sent the papers to the Director of Prosecutions. Oscar was convicted of gross indecency.

You would need to be very unlucky if your legal dispute resulted in your financial ruin, divorce, two years hard labour and caused you to leave the country in disgrace, quickly followed by your early death in poverty. But what was a disaster for Wilde, regrettable for his own lawyer and a tragedy, was probably considered a good result for the other lawyer.

Avoiding disputes in the first place especially with the cantankerous, violent, mad and bad is often the most effective, but least popular option.

Paul Brennan
This is an extract from Paul Brennan’s eBook:
“RELEASING THE DOGS OF LAW...
How to win your legal dispute or at least struggle through it,
remaining relatively sane without losing your shirt”

# 41. They tend to Judge

paul.brennan@brennanlaw.com.au (Paul Brennan) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 05:17:00 +0000

Despite considerable progress in court efficiency with a high level of motivation achieved among court staff, inherent problems remain in the Judiciary itself.

One of the main issues is a cohort of older men who dropped out of the system in the 1980’s, 1990’s, in some cases the 1770’s and are now classified as “long term judiciary”. Each receives a weekly or monthly payment from the state. Some adopt a sad resigned air whereas others can be cranky. All have a tendency to isolate.

Judges blame the nature of the job and government policy however psychological studies have suggested that problems started in early childhood. For instance, none of them seem to have fathers.