Joke Joint

Bad Names for ANY Sports Team!

2009-07-21T11:17:00.001-07:00

Houston Soilers

Elegant Losers

Alzheimer Kings

Vegas Strippers

Vicious Winners

Pole Dancers

Droopy Sox

The Whiners

LA Fakers

Also Rans

Pretenders

Iowa Savants

Wall Street Slickers

New York Thieves

Pittsburgh Stealers

Philly Fatsos

Jersey Fixers

Viagra Ballers

Cialis Chargers

Boston Killers

Cleveland Cleavers

Baltimore Bottomers

Bangor Benders

Heart Breakers

Botox Beauties

Regulated Substance Users

Solipsist Sluggers

Filthy Rich F***ers

One liners...

2009-07-20T08:50:00.000-07:00

My hotel room was so small, I either got a bed or a door that opened.

I told my wife to burn the roast beef, add salt to my cereal and then serve Drano for a drink. She
said "I can't do that!" I said "You did it last week!"

Have you seen the porno film made by Wall Street financiers: 10% sex, 90% promises.

If you want a quiet wife, marry someone in Federal Witness Protection Program.

Travel to far away places and let Uncle Sam pick up the bill: join the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Her skin is as smooth as an unmade bed.

That's the only restaurant I know with a lifeguard on duty.

My wife's cooking is so bad we hired a lifeguard.

Airlines...

2009-07-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Why do they use the noun "carrier" when they're talking about the airlines?

Wouldn't "knee-capper" or "luggage-switcher" be a more appropriate reference?

How about "cheap SOBs with wings"?

Airlines are trying to weather the current economic storm by grounding planes. I don't get it. That's like a restaurant trying to make money by shutting down.

There are too many airlines flying to too many destinations. That's the main problem.

Domino's Pizza is now making home deliveries with Boeing 737s. They deliver the pizza to your door all right but the free soda usually ends up in another city.

The kids are now taking airplanes to school. When they show up late, there's a new excuse: "Sorry, I missed my flight!"

Golfers are moving from one hole to another in charter planes. Problem is, the caddies sometimes take the wrong connecting flight. And the spectators are getting fed up with taking off their shoes to enter the Greens.

I told my son he can't use my plane anymore. Now that he graduated from college, he should be able to afford his own used airplane.

My wife is such a spendthrift. She just bought a new airplane to match her new shoe.

The traffic jam on airport tarmacs are unbelievable. A guy who left for work back in 1964 has just retired while still waiting to take off in his plane.

All passengers waiting in an airplane now have to shave off all their bodily hair after the first 900 days since the flight attendants get tripped by the hair piling up in the aisles.

Microscope sales are up. That's the only way you can see the genetically-engineered single peanut that they serve on flights.

They used to assign flight numbers to planes. Now there are so many of them, they are assigning Tiny URLs to make them fit into the computer screens.

There are so many airplanes in the sky, the airplanes don't fall off from the sky anymore. They just sit on the one right below them.

Tips for Polar Tourists

2009-07-13T08:48:00.001-07:00

Russians have ushered in a new era of polar tourism, according to news wires.

Here is a list of DOs and DON'Ts if you're heading for the North Pole for your vacation:

-- Forget about the bikini

-- No need to shave your armpits

-- Stay away from moving mounds of snow. They're polar bears

-- Learn how to scream "Help!" in Russian

-- Don't offer your camera to polar bears for group photos

-- Remember: getting lost at the North Pole is an excellent way to finally lose some weight

-- When you Twit, use the hash mark #frozenbutt

-- Call a doctor if you can't tell whether you're touching your own face or someone else's

-- If they try to sell you more than one sightseeing tour, report it to the authorities

-- If you're going to paint, take plenty of White with you

-- If you see a panhandler, you're on the wrong cruise

-- Remember: no casual jokes with the word "freezing" in it

-- Pack an extra set of fur, thermal gloves, and goggles for beach volleyball

-- Resist the urge to swim at all costs

-- Forget everything you've watched on the Discovery channel

-- No sex outdoors!

-- No need for compass

-- Remember: a Polar Bear has NOTHING to do with a Teddy Bear!

-- If you see a STARBUCKS, you're on the wrong cruise

-- Some of the public statues you see might actually be your missing fellow passengers

-- Don't fall for the "souvenir snowball" scam

-- Leave your surfing board at home

-- Some of the black objects appearing out of nowhere could be nuclear submarines

-- Be careful! Don't let your tour operator switch igloos on you

-- Be aware of any booking agent trying to charge you extra for "the view"

Metaphysical Nonsense

2009-07-13T08:03:00.001-07:00

Perhaps laughter will not solve all your troubles when you die.

But who's to know that?

How to Tell a Fake Harley Rider

2009-07-13T07:40:00.001-07:00

I'm sick and tired of highly-paid attorneys and doctors riding Harleys over the weekends, pretending to be road-warriors.

It's very easy actually to tell the real hard-core riders from these wannabes. Here's a list:

Real Harley riders do NOT

-- keep wiping off their bar-handles with KimWipes

-- have pink mud guards

-- have spinners on their wheel-hubs

-- carry Wall Street Journal in their saddle bag

-- have their accountants riding in the back seat

-- wear a wrist-watch showing the time in London, Rome, Moscow and Beijing

-- stop every fifty miles to brush and floss their teeth

-- carry a Blackberry

-- drink Gatorade

-- stop at every Outlet Mall

-- smile to the kids in the back seat of a station wagon

-- put their bikes through the car wash

-- change oil at Jiffy Lube

-- have their secretary follow them in another bike

-- check their email every other mile

-- Twit while they ride

-- research for the best sun-tan lotion

-- use ear plugs

-- wear helmets so expensive they're mortgaged