My Slice of Paradise

If I could write a letter to God

2010-03-05T02:58:00.002+01:00

If I could write a letter to God, what would I say. I'm no great human being, that's for sure. But then again, if I was, I wouldn't need God.

But what to write. The articulation of a myriad thoughts, put into words. Given form and hope that they breathe. I'm worried, I'm confused. I don't know where to go, what to do, how to turn, how to proceed. My paths are blackened before me, my eyes see nothing more than the next step, and not the end. I don't know where the next step leads, whether to salvation or another endless circle.

People chronicle many things in blogs. Sex lives, real lives, made believe lives, and everything else in between. Prayer is articulating everything vocally. Perhaps inwardly. So let me articulate myself in words. Words I can turn back to and serve as a record and progress meter of my life.

I'm scared. I take too long to start and don't know how to start up a story. Yet I need a story to write, in order that the script is started. I'm scared. I need more work, more paid work, so I can pay off my bills and earn money rather than just depending on others. I'm not in debt but I need a steady flow of work, of income. How much more must I go before I hit rock bottom? I am in a land where I do not understand the way it works. I'm walking into doors which are shut and I have no way of opening them. I'm in an industry where people are prejudiced against me from the beginning whenever I try to apply for something. So what can I do?

How can I improve myself and get that chance that's been eluding me? How can I be at the right place at the right time unless God sets it up for me? Will I even be able to see it and know it?

So God, what should I do? How can prayer help me if I do not take the step of faith and ask for a job. A proper job, or work to come in so the bills can be paid? So I'm asking for a job in the industry. Barring that, a place in the school I applied to where I can learn more and continue to improve myself. Event films are not my thing and people don't even want to pay the money anyhow, despite the amount of work put in.

A lot of it sounds like whining. Probably it might be. But at this stage of life, if the door doesn't open by a miracle. It probably never will. Alien in a foreign land.

And yet, maybe that's why people cling onto God, because of the hope, real or perceived, that is given. Read a verse in the bible and the truth hits you back in the chest, daring you to dispute it. Because it's truth, not fiction. Maybe because that's all people have to cling to, for hope and for a better tomorrow.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Identity

2009-08-18T05:04:00.002+02:00

I liked the film "Identity" starring John Cusack. It's interesting in its plot and execution. The latter word holding quite a particularly grim meaning for many of the show's characters. In a sense, I'm trying to find my own identity.

It's easy to say, I'm this, or I'm that, when you have a clear picture of who you are. But when all you've got are other people's perceptions of how you should be, according to their value system, then it isn't as easy as it is once you decide to find out for yourself.

Probably that's why teenagers are so hard to cope with, as they seek out and try and "discover" themselves. Deprived of this chance, it might set them back years in terms of human development. While I'd love to join the "pity me" group, I'd rather move on and get ahead with my life - once I've charted out a course and direction.

Without the right bearings, it's probably a worse minefield I'm getting myself into.

And I guess talking about myself in the 3rd person isn't going to help either. To face the problem, it's got to be head on, cold turkey. I can't just skirt around the issue with niceties and diplomacy. Especially not when it's myself I'm dealing with.

Who am I?

Heart

2009-08-17T03:28:00.002+02:00

Every heart sings a song or tells a story, or both. Whether it be sorrow or laughter, tears or joy, every heart is created with a song to sing and a story to tell. Stories, lore and even urban legends are carried over throughout generations by word of mouth. And even though today we live in a world proliferated with mass media, nothing is more precious than the news brought via word of mouth, especially when the bearer of the news is sincere.

As tales get passed on, extra details are added, little embellishments, perhaps the evil monster / villain gets more evil in every passing telling. Maybe the big bad wolf was actually just a puppy dog. Or the seven dwarves, seven dudes with rickets and deformed legs. Who really knows? Or someone who charged through the hordes of the enemy to look for a fallen comrade. Mayhaps the missing detail was that the so-called hordes were actually in retreat.

I believe that everyone has something to say - but as time passes and we age - that urge or longing gets fainter and fainter the longer we ignore it. I guess it comes down to the test of - would I regret it later on if I look back and wished I did something?

The funny thing about a heart is that it's amazing. I don't profess to say God is non existent because creation itself says he is. As much as I have struggles with my own faith, or lack of, I cannot doubt that God exists and is real. Yet many things which I've been taught when I was younger, just makes me wonder how people can easily turn young willing minds to their own ends. The intention was good, yes, but the method, definitely no. It is amazing what somethings can do to a child in childhood if their parents do not teach them correctly.

I guess to solve some of my problems, I need to travel back into my memories and try to piece together the fragments. Every heart has its own story to tell, and this is mine.

Truth

2009-08-14T07:41:00.003+02:00

Truth is a strange word. It's an absolute. It's not a maybe, perhaps, or will it, will it not. It just is. Truth that is bent is no longer truth. Sometimes, I let the problem cloud my mind more than it should. The truth is that I should proceed with my work, despite any fears I have of it.

The fear speaks, and says, maybe you can't do it. Maybe you should think about it some more. Perhaps a little more consideration time. But will all this thinking, I lack the important element, which is movement and action. Thus inaction is borne out of fear. I guess that's a new meaning to the term "paralyzed by fear". I'm afraid to move for making a mistake.

But in the end, when I look at the situation, I have to do something. Because doing nothing is akin to dying. Only dead people don't move. Sleeping people still dream, and engage in REM, and when they wake up, they move. Maybe I'm in a dream right now, where everything should be moving, but is only going in persistent slow-motion.

Movement without thought is hasty and often leads to more problems. However, I tend to think too much. To double think, triple think even. And that's where the problem is. I know I think too much, and hate that part of myself. I need to learn that once I've thought about the situation, I have to act. After all, if I do nothing, nothing happens. If I do something, according to Newton's law, there has to be some reaction. If I eat, I'm no longer hungry. I need to take thinking and then acting as a base instinct, and not something that's more metaphysical or "higher" than just what needs to be done.

And I've just done this post instead of just thinking of doing a post and wondering what to write, I've actually gone ahead and written something.

Delirium

2009-08-12T09:03:00.003+02:00

I'm delirious. Not in a good kind of way but in the I'm so tired but I've still got these things to do" sort of delirious. I should really get my body clock sorted. I read this in a magazine about Landscape photography that it's not to get the right moment by fortuitous luck in most occasions and then rush to prepare everything, but to plan and wait for it, so when it comes, I'll be ready to take that perfect picture.

I guess this could apply to everything in life. Sure, luck plays a part in everything, but I guess good old-fashioned planning, practice and grinding works too. If I was perpetually lucky, I'd never need to do anything and it would be there for me.

So I guess this means I have to keep doing the jobs I do, slowly preparing myself and working until that big break comes. Preparation is key. If I'm not even properly prepared, there's no way I'm going to be working at peak performance. So I'll have to write even if I don't feel like writing. Edit when I don't feel like editing.

Sure, art is about creativity and feeling and freedom, but I have to nail it in my head that art is also about discipline. Perhaps it's the hardest form of discipline that there is, because you don't get to see the rewards for a substantial time. Perhaps not even in your lifetime at all. But yet we persist, we keep at it, because deep down, we choose to believe that if we keep trying, surely one day, surely that door will open, that opportunity will come. But if we aren't prepared, then we'll surely implode as many others have done so.

No, even though I'm not anywhere I want to be yet, I'm not giving up, because this is preparation. My work might not be the best, but it's slowly and steadily improving. And that, in itself, is encouragement to me, that the road and dream hasn't exactly ended yet.

So I may be delirious, but let it be a good delirium.

Conflict

2009-08-10T10:32:00.003+02:00

Humanity has been perpetually beset by conflict. Peace is a rarity, and should be appreciated. However, it is also conflict that is intereting, at least in the arenas of film, drama, and the arts. Passivity and placidness often leads to boredom. Think of plain white colours. Boring.

I'm normally a peace loving person, and abhor conflict, but sometimes, there is no choice but to engage in it, if it is for the good of my soul. If someone slanders me, I have to fight the lies. To simply lie down and accept it would be construed as saying the lies about me are true. Not everyone loves conflict, and some even choose to turtle up and avoid it altogether.

In the process of growing up, there is already the conflict of identity, of discovery, of self. To suppress this desire and live a life for someone else, would only serve to deman and hunder yourself, and your own aspirations. I do not see it as selfish to push for what I desire to do, and to improve myself in that area, so long as it benefits my fellow man.

My parents would often try their best to shelter me, and not allow me to fight my own fights. I fully understand that not every fight will be a victory, but in defeat, one can learn. Sometimes, one fights purely for moral grounds, for the right, not for the sake of fighting. One has to know what one is fighting for.

I believe that conflict is healthy in the development of each person. It could be an internal conflict, or an external one. But sometimes, we have to face our own fears and demons. Confrontation is often more scary than it really is. Face your giants and don't let them rule over you.

It is in the furnace of conflict that we are shaped and moulded, to better face the world. If I were only in a sheltered situation, I would be pitiful of myself, to never experience some measure of conflict, in which I can further develop myself. Perhaps, in a small measure, conflict teaches one about courage. Standing up for what I believe in, and not giving in.

Emotion

2009-08-09T05:28:00.002+02:00

I feel. I see. I experience. Emotion is a part of being human, akin to humanity. To be without emotion, is to be without life. A machine does not feel, does not respond to feelings, does not make decisions based on gut instinct. It follows a preprogrammed code. Cause and effect, perhaps, in its rawest form.

But to feel, is a gift we've been given. How would I use it? I don't know. Sometimes, I want to laugh, but I suppress the urge. After all, why would I want people looking at me and judging me for laughing at what I perceive as a funny joke? Yet in the controlled childhood that I had, laughter, or anything out of the norm, wasn't much accepted.

To ask questions about what one did not understand, only served to reinforce the belief (erroneously) that one was stupid. Of course that's why we ask questions - so we might further our understanding of the subject matter. If we didn't have to ask any question, then we'd all be God.

But sometimes, I feel a dearth of emotion. When I should cry, or weep, I can't. It's like something is missing within me. A black hole of unfeeling coldness. Too often there's no despair, just depression and resignation. Why do I not feel frustrated? Is it worth being frustrated? Who knows how everything will turn out? Certainly not me, that much I'm sure of.

Some people speak of divinity being a guiding light. Others speak of self. I just know that sometimes I wish I had a direction to follow, a path to walk. Aimlessness is not a beautiful experience. Too many times, I guess and believe that I've tried to be someone's idea of perfect and failed at it. I can only be me, not what you want me to be.

A child's laughter is what I'd try to recapture. My childhood, if I could relive it. Certain decisions, if I could reverse them, and words, if I could take them back. The clock doesn't stop for me, but in each of us, there lies a seed, a desire to do something good. To create, to invent, to make, for the benefit of others out there in the world. I seek to find my place in the midst of the storm outside. And as time passes, hope fades inside me that I'll ever find that promised land.

One can only do one's best. More than that I cannot do.

Writing is therapeutic, and releases pent-up frustration for me. Though it needs a certain amount of discipline to even click the webpage and enter my posts, this I must do. Discipline is important in life, as boring as it may be. Perhaps this is how I can slowly gain it back. To write, to chronicle some parts of me. To collate and then focus it into a passage.

The subject matter does not matter, just the process of writing. And perhaps one day, I'll uncover the puzzle of who I am and why I'm here and what I should be doing.

Resilience

2009-08-08T08:36:00.002+02:00

To not give in, to continue despite setbacks. I don't know why I write, or the purpose thereof but I'm going to keep on going if only to hopefully find the goal at the end.

Sometimes I think we do somethings without knowing why we do them. That in each of our minds, there lies a psyche that cannot be untangled except by small steps forward and then backwards, like a dance.

Of course the steps are unordered, and perhaps the steps without rhythm, but the important thing is that there is movement. Where there is movement, there is life. There might not be harmony, but there is life. There is the intention of being better, of hoping that everything will turn out better.

I threw some water onto a pack of beans I kept in my can for a year or so. And the next day, they began sprouting shoots. If a seed has the potential to grow when the conditions are right for it, when will I find the conditions that are right for me? What do I need in order for me to get past the initial beginning phase?

I don't know, and sometimes, I wonder if it all has to do with the right timing and situation? Practice is the key, but there must also be the opportunity to practice. And for this, the price must be right. It doesn't have to be commensurate with the work involved yet, but the key is to gain practice, and indirectly, exposure to the work required.

And to stay the course, I need to be resilient, no matter the situation, no matter how down I might be feeling. There will always be a way, as long as I don't give up.

Restlessness

2009-08-03T00:40:00.002+02:00

I've been feeling restless the last 2 days. I need to do something otherwise all this pent-up energy is just going to drive me mad. My teacher said that to learn how to write, one had to just write everyday. It didn't matter what. Just write.

Hopefully in all this writing some sense will come out of my ramblings. If some shred of reason persists at the end of this exercise, then I would consider it a useful one.

I read an article whereby it stated that although all babies are born unequal, with hard work and graft, they can still succeed. Talent only gives you the first step, if you're lucky to possess it. Other people, like myself, have to learn things the hard way.

This means writing. Writing. And yet more writing. Or perhaps working on the camera, or editing. To keep on doing it until it becomes something beautiful, because I've realized talent can only take someone so far before the ethos of work come into the equation.

Perseverance in the face of adversity to build oneself up.

I'm feeling restless tonight, and I don't want to forget it.

Black

2009-07-31T02:16:00.003+02:00

Black is depressing according to conventional philosophy. They call depression the black dog. I guess it wouldn't have sounded bleak if it was the blue dog of depression or the yellow dog of depression. God forbid the red dog of depression. Anyhow, black seems to associate itself with all things morbid, death, decay, the unending cycle of chaos, etc.

Most evil alignments, if you're into RPGs - role playing games for people not in the know - are coloured with black. Does it really matter though?

Is white really that pure that I can't call black beautiful? White speaks of brightness, of clarity, while black is just a haze of nothingness. But what if one was stuck in a room with nothing but white walls in isolation? Would not white be the colour of depression then? Perhaps madness?

Maybe in such a case the colour wouldn't really matter anymore.

But in black, one feels isolated, trapped, alone.

I'm just waiting for the fashion campaign where they one day go, Black, the new white.

Failure

2009-07-30T03:25:00.002+02:00

Failure is not an option. That's a common line doled out in action movies where the hero or heroine or group of said heroes must overcome the odds to reach their goal. Maybe they'll die gory deaths. Maybe they'll lose whatever they hold dear. But along the way they have to sacrifice something precious and make hard decisions to reach their goal.

But what if failure is an option? That would be an interesting point to take.

Growing up, the only thing coined was, "You can't fail". If you fail, even once, you're labelled a failure for life, which probably led me to be totally disillusioned by the government's meritocratic picture of perfection. Of course, they could fail. After all, it's all covered up with alabaster and spin put on to cover the failure as nothing significant. It's easy to fail and then, hypocritically point the finger at others when they themselves could not reach their own high, nigh impossible standards.

But is failure really so bad? The critical parent would say yes. But frankly, failure is good only if one learns from it. I liked how Edison turned his 1000 or more attempts to making the lightbulb as 1000 steps to making a lightbulb. Tenacity and perseverance will win out eventually if we can tough it, and in the process build our own character and values up.

The world outside is harsh and being overprotected is not really the best way to go about many things. I wish I were more exposed when I was 15. I wished I had a year of choosing and wandering to decide what life was worth and what was worth doing. Too bad an insanely long conscription time and hopeless government family values put paid to that. So for that one year, I'm paying it back in 10 years of wandering.

Will I find my eventual destination? I don't know. But I do know it's not where I'm from and frankly that's now place I would want to return to.

But failure, is probably, in the course of life, a viable option. One that teaches people not to give up, to pick themselves up, start over and hope for the best again. I hope I just don't stay there permanently.

Black, Naturally

2009-07-27T15:39:00.002+02:00

Been away from posting. Don't see a point in it, yet I've been teasing myself with starting a new blog.

But why? I've got a perfectly good one here at the moment, that's already been set up. Maybe I've gotten bored of it. I do tend to be flighty in my thoughts. Perhaps it needs a new template, a new "do" if you will.

But black is so nice. So calming, so serene. It envelops you, as it should. For those of you "Twilight" fans, there probably is nothing better than the night. Darkness breeds mystery. And nothing attracts someone else more than the lure of they mysterious.

Things I Miss

2008-11-08T05:16:00.003+01:00

The world where I am at is asleep. But I can't sleep. Not a blink. My mind is too full of worries and concerns. I can't seem to quieten them. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. Probably not. Still, I don't know if it's too late to change it.

Things you miss out on when growing up, stays hidden, and develops into a yearning as you get older in life. True? I'm not sure. But it feels like that to me. I've mostly been a loner through life - not by choice. I guess coming from a country where material wealth is the yardstick whereby one is judged, it's not easy when people switch friends just for the "connections" and networks. It isn't friendship anymore, just something formed out "of convenience".

I always wanted to go to Japan, spend some time there, soak in the culture. In asia, japanese culture was prevalent during the time I was growing up. Now that I've been in Europe for 10 years, I want to see the places I've never seen, and experience things I always dreamt of.

But it seems so far to me. Still so far away. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach out and grab it. What is life about anyway? We live and we die. Our lifespan isn't even long enough to do anything of worth when you look at the scope when earth existed, or even the evolutionary timeframe, if you're into evolution.

Does God exist? I guess so. Is he real? It's probably easier to say yes than no. Does he really care? Frankly, I don't think so. Because I've been stuck in this pit for the last 10 years or more.

Parents who make decisions for their children without any discussion, or by just ordering them to do it, makes a crap life for their children. I should know. I've been through it, all the false expectations and hopes, the "do this do that" because it's good for you. And where has that left me?

Imprisoned in a tiny room in Europe. The paradox of it is that I might be free to do anything I want, yet I'm not really free. Because I've still yet to find a direction to move to. No chance to even "find myself" or what I want in life. Just reacting to what people want me to do.

Either you mentally decide to avoid conflict and coast through it, or go against it. It's not easy either way. Coming from an autocratic country - which is a major pain in the ass - and everything in it is organized autocratically and micromanaged, dissent isn't really given much of a chance, even if it is constructive criticism.

But I guess deep down, I want to live in an urban city, where it never sleeps. Where I can walk along the darkened walkways, hear the hum of traffic, the raucous voices of people walking by, and be at ease. I miss that. Living in this shithole of a village is pure HELL.

Can't swear because you're brought up to be nice? I really think there's nothing wrong with cussing anymore. There's no point in being nice, because only nice guys finish last. The painful truth. Why should I help others when the only one that should be helped is myself? Being mean never hurt anyone, least of all the mean person.

I just want to go to Japan and stay there for a couple of years. I hate this place and I hate life.

And where does God fit into all this? I don't really know. He doesn't really show up much to say anything. He's just plain silent. Like he doesn't exist no more.

My Loft

2008-11-07T06:38:00.003+01:00

I'm staring out the skylight window of the loft my room is in right out into the open night sky. Nothing much else but darkness and a smattering of stars across the night sky stare back at me. I've always wanted to sleep and be in a loft-apartment ever since I experienced being in one during my university days in the UK.

It's got a strange feel to it. I dare say, maybe even a strange freedom to open the window up top, and gaze out not just at the surroundings, but the sky as well. I feel like I don't have a ceiling that constrains me, my dreams and goals, but that given the right time, right place and right situation, could go all the way up to outer space.

I guess loft apartments are for dreamers. And I love them.

Now that I'm house-hunting, I guess I'll make sure that the place definitely has on the top list - a great loft - so that I can just park myself and decorate my little cave with all the techno-gadgets till it's just right.

A flat-screen TV there, an Xbox 360 here, wifi hub around the corner, and various other doodads which fill up my life. But best of all, lying on my mattress at night, looking up at the starlit sky before falling off to blissful sleep.

The Voice

2008-11-05T23:49:00.003+01:00

Sometimes we all struggle. Each with their own personal battles. For me, most times, it's the struggle to let the voice within out. For years, since my childhood it's been buried under social conformities, political correctness, and the fear of what others might think. There's also a smidgen of rejection, and total looks of horror of others when they hear what I would like to do.

We are all born to do something and each of us has a different road to walk. I can't walk your road, like you can't walk mine. We just have to let go and let each of us get on with it, and with life.

How to let the voice within out? I don't really know, except to honestly say that, just do what your gut leads you to. I've been really struggling what to actually write on this blog. Typical questions that run through my head are - how do I write? What do I write? Is this going to work? And who really cares or reads this blog anyway? Other than myself to rant away.

I guess that if I'm going to use it to rant and let off some steam then I should do it to benefit the person that's most affected - ie. me. So sometimes is the struggle to be an individual after being consigned to the populist-and-not-by-choice decision that going for practical jobs means giving up what you really wanted to do.

That you can't spend some quality time looking for that something that energizes you when you open your eyes from sleep. Other than the usual drag-the-body routine to work. And hating every minute of it.

No, I think it's best to let the voice speak. It's the only way I can get peace of mind.

Anyh

Existent

2008-10-17T04:00:00.002+02:00

Let it go. Let it go. The burdens must pass and fall away.
Let it go. Let it go. For we all must let go someday.
And when the leaves fall, shadows fade away
Only to be replaced by something new
Decomposing heap
On the ground.
Reminder of our mortality, that we can never truly
Escape.

Rest for the weary mind. Rest for the weary soul.
I can't explain coincidence. I can't explain occurences.
I can't explain.

Walk in the dark

2008-09-01T15:16:00.002+02:00

Sometimes you walk, and you see a light ahead, to the next destination. That'll probably be good. If that light is illuminating beckoning relatives long gone, then that's probably not a good sign of anything to come in the extremely short term. We all walk through the carpal tunnel of uncertainty.

I wake up in the morning, uncertain, and I go to bed, uncertain. In this world, what is there to be certain of? Pretty much nothing. Nothing is certain, nothing is sure. It's pretty cryptic, but it's probably the only certainty out there.

Enjoy the euphoria of the music. No one needs drugs to forget the present, just close your eyes to it, and concentrate on looking down the tunnel. Down that tunnel we go. Sometimes, maybe we get flashes of light. Sometimes, not. Illumination is sometimes a very broad word to use.

Sometimes, we just flail away in the darkness until we are accustomed to it, before seeing where are.

Time

2008-08-15T02:42:00.003+02:00

I'm excited. Finally some work comes my way - and I guess it is true - when it rain, it pours. But this is pouring in a good way, and frankly I don't want it to stop. Even though I know I'm going to have tons of work, it's all good, especially since I was always asking for it, and now it's here.

Sometimes it really is true, that heaven is just waiting until you're ready.

I guess I'll never know until I go for it.

Denmark here I come!!! :D

Sidenote - wish I wasn't so bad with the pictures though. ^^

Today

2008-07-30T02:43:00.003+02:00

Today...........

3 flies died.

I cycled almost 2 laps round the fields. Would have been a complete 2 laps but decided that lightning and me do not mix well together.

I made a bowl of half-asian vegetable fishball tofu soup.

And I decided that in order to find my own voice I had to let go of the fear of people. What do people think of me? Screw it. If I'm too busy caught up in fear, I'll never get anything done being trapped in people's expectations. One's expectations should only come from oneself - ie. myself and no one else.

If you dream, then it's just thin air.

The journy of making the dream a reality is a never-ending process of practice, trial and error, disappointment, heartbreak, and whatever painful thing you can put here. Sure there'll be joyful times along the way but be certain it won't be easy.

After all, if it would be easy it wouldn't be a dream now would it?

And that's pretty much it.

Timely Words

2008-07-25T05:43:00.002+02:00

Psalm 27 is a good psalm. I guess one can say all psalms are good. However for encouragement, psalm 27 is good. I might be repeating myself, but sometimes it is hard to wait and while waiting, expect something to happen. If you're doing nothing and expecting something to happen, then that's just plain laziness. If you're doing all you can and just are focused without listening, then I guess that's trying to be self-made.

The hard part, the toughest part, I'm learning the hard way - and trying not to overdramatize it as I sometimes do - is doing all I can, and then learning when to stop and listen. I get caught up doing all I can and then I don't listen to the small voice inside. I get so focused on getting the thing right, to do all I can. Sometimes listening and reflecting will save me the hours of workaround time. Sometimes I should go and chill out more.

Something I learnt is - if I want to improve something or have a nagging thought to improve it, then I should just do the improvement, and get the thought out of my head. Yups, procastination sucks. I'm a master procrastinator sometimes, but trying hard to deal with it and kill it off once and for all. Sometimes it's just so easy to lie back, relax and say - oh let's just do it later. But then later always comes along with a stack of other things. Then more stuff just gets piled up for much later, probably never to be done at all.

Psalms 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Nothing like a proper word to come in at the right time to encourage.

Now off to bed and rest before another day's work.

Absence

2008-07-22T17:31:00.002+02:00

Here's a thought I was thinking about.

When God is absent, God's absent.

Period.

Because if he wasn't absent, he'd be present. And if he was present but chose to be silent so that we'd think that he's absent, then that's quite a sick joke.

Lazy me

2008-07-16T04:04:00.002+02:00

I'm kind of getting lazy blogging. There's so much to do, that blogging just takes a back seat to it all. Since starting my latest project - the film company, I've just spent some time thinking and doing - trying to find ways and means to sell, reach out to my target market(s), and assorted other activities that come along with running one's own business. Read - accounting.

I hate accounting. I was never fond of numbers - and still am not fond of numbers. Of course rattling off numbers from the top of my head isn't hard, since we were drilled the multiplication and division tables as kids when we were in school. Robots we were taught to be, and maybe robots, we've become. It's sad when the world forces us to change, rather than the other way round. As far as I'm concerned, when I have kids, they are probably in all certainty not going to study in Singapore. The education system is too rigid, and frankly, there's much better quality of life in terms of childhood over here in Europe.

Here, kids can play, and be themselves and find out what it is they are good at and what not. Instead of being pigeonholed into certain "key" professions. Sure, as society progresses, it goes up the pyramid of important professions. I'm not kicking standard stuff like being a doctor, engineer, business person, etc. We need people like that, otherwise how will society function? But I would really like to see more acceptance of people who've chosen to go into a more "alternative" career choice, like myself. We were all made differently, with different sets of skills, and only when we come together are we all able to appreciate the fullness and richness that comes from diversity.

Why am I talking about this? Frankly, I really don't know. Call it a simple literary flow. I write, nay, type - writing has now been superseded by typing since the advent of the computer. And I just try to let what's inside out.

A paragraph a day, might keep the doctor away. :D

Biting the Bullet

2008-06-18T04:21:00.003+02:00

It's finally here. I've finally decided to do it. One little step for me, maybe a larger step when viewed from another perspective. I've always wanted to do my own thing, run my own show. Somehow ever since I was born, I knew this was what I've always wanted to do.

And now I've the chance to do it. Either do it now, or never. Time isn't going to wait for me, and I shouldn't wait for myself either to grow old and regret missed opportunities. I finally start up my own little film production company. I've decided not to fully focus just on films, but on anything that requires a camera, I can definitely apply myself to. And if I don't know how to do it, then I'll get myself down into the trenches and learn it. It can't be all that hard since many other people are doing it as well.

Exciting times. Every day is a battle between myself. Sometimes you're afraid that it won't work out. Sometimes you're afraid of failure, but there's no other way but to stand up and go on ahead and face that fear. I read an article on the internet about how guys manage to talk to pretty girls. Strange subject matter, but the underlying concept is the same. They just decide on an action in 3 seconds rather than letting their head get in the way of being knocked back.

So I've linked my film website here. It's in english and german. It was a little hard with the web coding, but I'm happy everything turned out fine.

Now for the next step!

Boll-Shit

2008-06-05T04:38:00.002+02:00

I just did something stupid. I watched 2 Uwe Boll movies back to back, one after another. First was Dungeon Siege, the second was Blood Rayne 2. Both were painful experiences I'd rather not dwell on.

First off, if you're a fan of the colour brown and 10th rate Lord of the Ring knockoffs, then Dungeon Siege might be right up your alley. You'd think with a budget of 60 million dollars Boll could do something better. Think again. It's pure crap, pure trash and pure drivel. The action scenes are way too long, and he's tried to cram as much stuff from Lord of the Rings into one movie. Bleah. Double bleah. Lord of the Rings was a masterpiece. This is just shit. Pure Boll-shit. After this film, you'll never want to see the colour brown ever again.

Blood Rayne 2 was barely ok, for a direct to video release. But considering the budget of 20 million dollars, and the shitty photography, script and everything else...... I think a bunch of untrained paralytic pensioneers could do much better with nothing more than a handheld handycam. It's that bad. Shaky, uncertain, and hopeless scripting leaves this film with a lot to be desired. Malthe might be sexy as Rayne, but I was kinda expecting more.... action. There is action, yes, but not the sort I expected or even wanted. It was too scripted, too...... plain, too boring. It needed something more which wasn't present.

Both films are sorely lacking in the cinematography and post production department to say the least. I was bored after the first 10-15 minutes, and the scripts ... were too predictable. Way too predictable. Nothing new, nothing interesting. Mediocre at best.

In the end, good examples of how *NOT* to shoot a film. Not recommended to anyone at all. It'll just be a waste of a good 40 euros. I'm looking forward to Michael Clayton next.

Overthinking and Doing

2008-06-01T03:24:00.003+02:00

I think too much. I think that I should do more and think less about what may happen or what may be. It's all in the future, so it is not here in the present yet. The only thing that is 100% sure is the present. If I do not do now, then the after effects will not be in the future. But I will be thinking in the future then, if I had not done, about why I did not do it then in the past.

Confusing? A little maybe. Newton stated cause and effect. It's the same. I'll be chained to an eventual stream of why didn't I, fearing of the unknown, rather than facing it, and having a definite answer. Maybe it might not turn out well. But how will I know for sure until I've done it?

I sometimes sit at my desk, thinking, maybe daydreaming about what might be or what could have been. I sit staring at my edit tables wondering how the finished product will turn out rather than putting more effort into the finished product. I sit staring, thinking of whether to go to bed now or later. But then I figure out every morning, that I still need 8 hours of sleep irrespective of whether I've gone to bed at midnight or 8am the next morning. My body tells me, "I need 8 hours whether you like it or not". So in such cases, instead of thinking and dreaming my life away, I'll just get up and do it. Because once it's done, it's done. And then it's time to move on to the next step, whatever it may be.

So until the future comes about, the only time for certain is the here and now. And now is the time for doing.