Deviant

Adult EdutainmentorKevin Gets A Sneaking Suspicion

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:57:00 +0000

gay porn
Today I sat on Fly G's fire escape contemplating what it means to be an adult.

By "contemplating" I do mean I stirred in my mind while drinking obscene amounts of wine and harassing his neighbors. Fly G has moved out from his Manhattan haven and into the boroughs in order to obtain an apartment of his own sans roommates.

We felt like adults, like that last scene in Stand By Me when the boys know that they've done a hell of a lot of growing up that summer and consumed the corpse they found by the train tracks in order to gain his power [director's cut].

Fly G is getting a place on his own, and I feel like I'm getting quite a few requests for job interviews that hadn't happened before. Suddenly the future looks like the deep end of the community swimming pool. I feel like I'll never sleep on an air mattress again (until I meet my next ex boyfriend).

How do you grow up? Its a damned tricky question. I have the sneaking suspicion that they taught the "how to grow up" course in all the private schools my Mom couldn't afford. All I got was a class in computer science that made us experts at Microsoft Bob and nothing else.

Heterosexual men have it so easy. When they plunder the depths of their mild existential crises, they have a wife or child they can just beat in frustration.

What do I have to beat?

Well never mind THAT answer.

The BatmanorNot Just A Man In A Bat Costume

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:32:00 +0000

Batman is NOT just a man who dresses up as a bat. To say this is to utterly misunderstand the central thrust and inherent interest of this character who is so iconic to Americans.

Batman is a screaming gothic banshee from the past. He is a mortal man that has tapped into something forgotten and distinctly gothic; like a gargoyle come to life, Batman is a living representation of the uncanny. He appears with a wing-like cloak on the ledges of buildings, a distinctly anachronistic being.

See? So stop stop saying "well its just silly because he's a man dressed as a bat." God damn you snooty know-nothings.

At any rate, I'm off to the midnight showing, and I better not catch any of those fans who have camped out for seats.

RevelationorCasey Aldrige

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:58:00 +0000

I know realize what it is exactly about Casey Aldrige, Jamie Lynn Spear's 19 year old baby-daddy, that so titillates me...

He's a known shooter.

Support The DerangedorGeneration Kill

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 01:08:00 +0000

I've encountered a lot of military talk recently. On Sunday I watched the premiere of Generation Kill, a miniseries about marines in Iraq written and directed by the people who brought you The Wire; my favorite show this last year.

This morning I listened to the Stern show where local comedian Artie Lange talked about his trip to entertain the troops in Afghanistan.

Now, I'm as patriotic as the next American, which means I'm not patriotic at all, and that's because I lack the intrinsic HATE that just so happens to go along with flag-wavers.

You know how it goes, "God bless America! God Bless America! but fuck the niggers and spics Support Our Boys! I Love Democracy I hate fags."

I don't know that I'm any more enlightened than our proudest hicks, but I'm definitely not white, which makes it harder to just be so hateful and condescending outright (not that I don't give it my best shot).

In both the Stern talk about marines and in commentators who watched Generation Kill, there's a notion that I find a little questionable; and that's the notion that you can't say anything about any of the troops.

Seriously! None of the troops can be criticized, and I have suspect its because we're scared those fuckers are going to turn right back around and shoot at us.

I can understand that. I'll support the troops because I'm scared of them man, I hope they rampage on people who hate them because I love the troops, the police, and THE MAFIA, I adore them.

Am I thankful to have been smuggled into America? Yes, but only because the alternative is something like....oh let's say Turkey.

You might know this actor from the film Ken Park, Google that, I dare you

Oh and watch Generation Kill either on HBO or just stream it.

My KampforThe New Yorker Loses Its Bearings

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:28:00 +0000

I had a pretty fruitful weekend in this our New City of York. I had a chance to see most of my friends in the area in a variety of events and locales. I met new people and befriended them, and in true Social Anxiety disorder, I have had my fill of people and I want to bury my head in the ground for a week.

It is an unbearable pleasure and curse to be me, one that I am glad you do not have to suffer through. Not unlike Hellboy, Hunter S. Thompson, Superman, or Hitler for that matter (he was great with kids, but had the whole Jew thing going against him), I too suffer under the duress of seemingly boundless charisma that is--in fact--draining to my person.

Which is why I was glad for Monday! And what better way to deal with a monday than gorge myself on news. Of course, nothing of note happened today...

Oh let me rephrase that, besides fucking Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel splitting up...seriously I did not see that coming (sarcasm filter: OFF), but I can only guess that one day Sarah Silverman realized that having sexual intercourse with Jimmy Kimmel must have felt like having your own brother enter you...

Digression, digression. Anyway, I saw the latest New Yorker cover:

Ok here's what I'm thinking; the New Yorker people meant well, and they mean it when they say that they intended the cover to be satirical, but DAMN people, do they not realize that the New York Post runs worse cartoons than that every damn day? Its like if Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal addressing cannibals...it sort of loses its edge.

Thankfully, it doesn't seem like New Yorker editors bother slumming it in tabloid right-wing 'zines masquerading as newspapers, but its also unfortunate because now they look like toolboxes.

The other thing I learned from this endeavor is that quite a few people are willing to accept any drawing as satire as long as it has "The New Yorker" font splashed across the top.

You could blow up the cover of Mein Kamp and--as long as "The New Yorker" is displayed on top--some commentators would go, "oh dummies, can't you see that's satire?"

NoseorStraight Guy Comedy

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 02:45:00 +0000

...and now for something completely different.

Have you seen this commercial?

Cute right? A 14 year old me would have video recorded this commercial, freeze-framed the last bit where the long haired boy is in his skivvies, and spent a better part of the summer masturbating to him and other prerecorded daytime tv sex scenes.

Thankfully I think I've thoroughly outgrown the era of freeze frame soft-core material, which is good because who has the time in our dying economy to spend indoors fantasizing about split second images...?

So instead, I totally tracked down the guy's youtube channel.

He's in the middle, and for the record I have no idea what they're saying, I'm too busy looking at that nose.

I'm bringing stalker back to sexy people like you and I. Really, why should ugly fat trench coat wearing public masturbators have all the fun? Do you have any idea how many people have been outright flattered to learn that I've been stalking them?

Four!

One of my favorite brands of comedy--apart from racist annoying Jew comedy--is homoerotic straight boy comedy. Its why I like The Whitest Kids U Know and its why I have subscribed to Babyeaters on youtube, which is the above young man's channel.

Cute straight guy comedy has the same appeal to me that watching two girls fight has for a straight guy, in both situations we are just waiting for the moment when the two people start making out.

You just KNOW its coming goddamnit!

And then people wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.

Cult Leader ObamaorTold You So

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:50:00 +0000

I have an idea, let's nominate the biggest pussy junior senator we can find to be the next Democratic president.

Just get swept right up in his cult of personality bullshit. Find a black man who can "speak well" to impress all of the highly educated citizens of this country. Let his campaign come up with slogans, logos, and soundbites that excite, and then have him turn around and stick an entire baseball bat up our asses.

Yeah that's a great idea, who doesn't love a good bat rogering, especially the cold steel kind.

You've been HAD, you've been BAMBOOZLED!

Like I mentioned before, Obama is just another choad, like Hillary, but at least she craftily thinks things through.

Now everyone who was crying for Hillary to give up the nomination can KISS my ass. Yes let's streamline our country down the toilet, dwindle our choices down, and lose our leverage against a populist candidate, that's what America is all about.

Quiet, dumb dumb, you know I'm right.

Straight Pride ParadeorReaggae Music Is Shit

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 01:36:00 +0000

I couldn't let this bit of news regarding the Straight Pride Parade pass by without a bit of commentary.

First of all, Reggae music is about the worst for of self-expression known to man. Its given birth to abortion after abortion of demented shit like Reaggaeton.

I'll reveal to you now why Reggae music is the worst music known to man (and I'm including animal noises as music).

Reggae music is concerned with two things, smoking weed, and hating homosexuals. Why do you think that is? I wonder...what happens when you smoke weed?

Maybe your inhibitions lower? Perhaps you give in to your curiosity a bit? People who don't think homophobes are secret homosexuals are usually homophobes themselves, or at least clueless to the way people work.

Why would an entire culture focus so intently on homosexuality? To focus on something so passionately--after all--is to obsess over it. Like all obsessive passions, it is an addiction, an intense form of self-denial housed in a hard shell of hate that sounds like a million cats strung together.

African American rappers, stereotypically derided as the most homophobic in our country, don't go anywhere near the scary obsessive levels that Reggae singers do (and I use the term singer very loosely here...wizard sleeve loosely).

Do I think we should ban Reggae? No, not at all, quite the opposite actually, I wish all Americans were force-fed Reggae 24/7 through their iPods for a week just to make clear how utterly base this stuff is.

Eat my ass Reggae, you smelly violent savage...cock...suckers!

AddendumorDisregard That

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 16:11:00 +0000

Nevermind, I met someone else last night.

Hah!

Chances Are...orFuck The 4th

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 00:30:00 +0000

First of all, fuck the 4th of July, nobody gives a real shit about this Holiday, its just an excuse to blow pretty colors into the air and have BBQs...

Not that there's anything wrong with those particular activities, but as a people we're just so DEPENDANT on everything (corrupt govt officials, oil, swing voters[?]) that a celebration of Independance is moot, sort of like a farmer celebrating Vegetarian's day.Let's write about (and read in turn) about something more interesting.

I'm in love, or rather, was in love--or more specifically I am in love with someone who isn't around here.

Let's cue the song.

My synapses are firing for a boy I met the night before pride when Fly G tried calling me fat. Yeah, so I was out to disprove his theory when I saw this vision in front of my eyes, an awkward looking French Canadian young man with a sly smile and innocent demeanor.

We talked and I learned he was staying in NY for a few days. We exchanged numbers and I promised I'd invite him to the following day's Pride festivities--not at all seriously contemplating him showing up...But there he was, standing in front of me the day of the brunch.

"HI There!" He said, and he was cuter than I remembered. I know, I know, its disgusting, and some friends were there to witness it, and I'm sure that it was their first time exposed to this Kevin (Scott and Bogsworth were both convinced I was utterly evil before this display).

TL;DR version: I ended up taking Mr. French Canadian away from the group, far away, to Long Island City, which was done on a whim because he'd mentioned that he regretted not having taken a picture of the NY city skyline.I took him to the perfect spot to do so, and we kissed [quite a bit], and he left...

Because you better believe I tried dragging him home.Alas, he was pure, and intensely shy, which just turned me on even more.

Why am I writing this? I'll tell you why. Because Chances Are is on repeat, there are fireworks in the sky beyond my window, I'm 1/4 done with a bottle of wine, and he just texted. And this too shall pass, just like you and yours, and your grandpa and grandma, and the world (especially after the wine is done).

The point? Its good to know that our synapses still betray our cynicism.

Jesse HelmsorGood NIght Sweet Prince

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 17:13:00 +0000

1921 - 2008

See you in Hell, fuckface!

Almost FamousorDick Flick

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:03:00 +0000

I'm watching Almost Famous because its critically acclaimed...

I'm starting to understand how straight people view certain gay movies. There are movies that transcend their respective Demographics like Brokeback Mountain (which you'd have to be a love-scarred cynic to hate), but there are other gay movies like let's say Get Real that some people might not even connect with.

I bring this up because I've never been a 15 year old straight boy pining away for a trollop like Kate Hudson.

Almost Famous' central lure seems to be its Boomer nostalgia for the 70's and white trash rock. Not good white trash rock, but the middle of the road stuff, like the Eagles.

Plus Jimmy Fallon is in it...I know, ew.

I suspected as much. To be fair to the director though, I really really liked Elizabethtown, though that movie had Orlando Bloom in it so it was already a bit gay.

I don't know much about demographics. I saw Eddie Murphy's giant head in Times Square tonight and thought, "wow that is a scary looking bust of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr."

Shows what I know.

Breaking Cameras With My AssorHealth Advice/Criticism With FlyG

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:11:00 +0000

I'm proud to say that I've gone almost 7 months without breaking or losing my cell phone and my iPod, which is a mini-miracle for me judging from all the situations I find myself in.

I did manage to sit on and destroy my digital camera's LCD screen during this Sunday's Pride festivities, turning my little kodak snap and view into a ghetto camera that can take pictures with no previews.

This is what I get for having an unusually large latin ass.

Strike that, i actually haven't seen my ass in a real long time, and I mean REALLY seen it. I've been doing the jogging thing and I can only imagine that it now resembles something that can be found on a human being.

Fly G grabbed my feeble arm one time while we were out drinking and gave me a look of despair, the same look you give to someone with down syndrome who tells you they want to be a pilot when they grow up.

"You could do weights and bulk up."

Bulk up? Bulking up is something that is against all that I stand for; it would clash horribly with the smart-alecky image I've been cultivating for myself for the last 9 or so years...

Naturally, I took these criticisms from my good friend like anyone would.

"Well you have a fucking belly," I told Fly G.

And to be honest it just protrudes slightly from one too many sandwhiches, but if my arms are flaccid, then you've got the figure of a somalian toddler with distended stomach.

IntervalsorMy Body And Me

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 02:10:00 +0000

I've started interval running exercises. You can read about that here. Basically its a way to run that makes some sort of plausible sense to me. You jog for 2 minutes, then sprint for 1, then you cool down with jogging for 2 minutes and repeat--ad nauseum--for 20-30 minutes.

Coincidentally I don't look like the guy in that lifehacker page when I run, I look more like the woman below:

...but with glasses.

This is rare for me because I don't trust people who make a living as exercising experts. They're all just like chiropractors, they have no idea how anything works, but they'll feel around for a long time until something snaps, then they just hope you think that snap made you feel better.

The truth is that all of our bodies are different. Our asses will fall out of our bodies at very different points of our lives, just for instance, and some of us will see results better doing one thing than another.

I really have no idea what my body is doing, my body and I have a very healthy and open relationship. I do my thing and I never bother it with any of my concerns, and my body does its thing and I never question it.

We sleep very comfortably in the same bed late at night though, whispering sweet loving words to each other before we pass out. The morning comes and we do our separate things, I don't question the handkerchief full of blood because I love my body and trust him to do the right thing.

Riiight.

So I'm taking it to runs with me and we've been having a time. I don't want to get fit, I just want to "not resemble Jabba the Hutt as MUCH as possible" if that makes any sense (and I used quotations so it should).

I feel that, for the first time, I'm doing the jogging thing correctly, though I'll be honest and tell only you right now that exercise never makes me feel good.

I always feel like downright shit.

I believe the people who say that they get a runner's high, or that they feel a good burn after several hours of calisthenics, but screw them if they think I'm the same way. I've never felt good after a run.

I'll tell you what makes me feel good though, and that's solving a case of Apollo Justice.

And drugs.

George CarlinorWhy Batman Is My Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:31:00 +0000

George Carlin died yesterday which comes as a shock to me; I didn't know he was even sick.

The man was a legendary and helped change the way we talk about religion and politics, making it perfectly acceptable to tell both institutions to fuck off with relative impunity as long as its funny.

I doubt he'd want to be canonized, and I'm not the person to do it. I want to say he was a hero of mine, but that feels a bit bizarre. I like saying that Martin Luther King Jr. is a hero of mine but it doesn't feel right either. Martin never saved me from a burning building, and I hear that he allegedly cheated on his wife.

Nevertheless, Carlin certainly had an influence on me and, by proxy, you.

If I had to choose a real hero, it would probably be Batman. Not too many heroes can pull off being heroic and mopey at the same time. Batman does it with class and by intimidation; two traits I think I employ.

Speaking of which, disregard the below post. This weekend Brandon had texted me forgetting a date he agreed to meet with me...

He blamed it on the pain medication!

And, like Batman, I used class and intimidation to let him know he was wrong. I'm a big proponent of printing out a report for a future ex listing his various shortcomings as a human being, and I conveyed this to him in the form of a text message.

Calling people out on their bullshit must be good thing, right Carlin?

Summer Lovin'orBatman Returns Rocks

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:26:00 +0000

I've currently been hanging out with a Brandon.

Its a nonsensical relationship with no future. He's a pill addict with flashes of intelligence. He's tortured, mostly depressed, adorably vulnerable, and predictably down about everything.

Though he does aspire to be an opera singer, and I've enjoyed hearing him sing in the shower while I pretend to be asleep.

Yes, this begs the question, "what's with Kevin and weirdos?" Fortunately I'm pretty aware of what I'm doing now. I think this one will be nipped in the bud before things go too crazy and I'm forced to ignore him if we cross paths on the street.

I just wonder how any two people get together and why. I think forming a union is about the most unnatural thing you can do. Happy couples come and go, but I think the secret to staying together is a willingness to kiss a person all over without being disgusted, coupled with a mutually agreeable form of emotional sadomasochism (which I'm down with).

If I can find someone who'll let me call him "assface" casually while out with friends, then we're good to go on a potential gay marriage candidate.

I never believe a person loves their significant other when they tell me how wonderful he or she is, and that's because NO ONE is wonderful. When a person tells me how much of an ass their boyfriend is, that strikes me as a touch more real. I'd like to hate someone like that one day.

And I leave you with a Batman Returns quote, because I have a theory that all situations in life can be directly referenced to by a quote from that movie:

Selina Kyle: "Sickos never scared me, least they're committed. Its the so-called Normal Guys that let you down."

Late Father's DayorAbsenteedom Breeds Contempt

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 01:33:00 +0000

I could sit here and tell you that I've been hopelessly and manically (oh sorry I meant maniacally) depressed, suffering from the late twenties gay man ennui--a non-menstrual sort of stress disorder--a feeling that nothing will ever change, for better or worse...

The reality, of course, is that I just got terribly lazy.

Its in my genes!

I know I'm late for Father's day, but so is my father, so I guess you can say it runs in the family. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my dad recently, mainly because he's called me around 40 times since February and I've let all of those calls go to voicemail.

Why are we so hard on absentee fathers? As if raising a child between one man and one woman was the ideal...the ideal for what exactly? What sort of measuring stick do we use for the raising of an ideal child?

What if, not unlike bonobo chimps (who are all sluts), thousands and millions of years of Evolution has led the ideal current climate for raising a child. The one where a dad makes a baby with a mom, and then the dad leaves?

Female praying mantis' eat the heads of their mates and I don't hear anyone complaining about the practice the way we chide our absentee fathers.

Is it irresponsible to abandon your child? My mother and father managed somehow to come to a breeder agreement, he impregnated her, left, and she retreated to a coven of women and brother to raise me. What exactly is irresponsibility in the face of genetics and evolution? Not a blip I think.

Dad of course has to deal with the other side of the coin. Now that he's suffering from whatever macho mid-life crisis he's in that compelled him to contact me after all these years; I don't have any particular urge to talk to him, which is an urge I probably get from my mother's side of the family.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first try to breed.

Austrian Incest Teen Recovering NicelyorRobbie Williams?

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 20:18:00 +0000

Austrian Incest Teen Yearns To See Ocean - Attend A Robbie William Concert

Is it wrong of me to say that I'd rather be locked in a basement and raped by my father than go to a Robbie Williams concert?

The Bug FableorI Learn A Lesson in the Bathroom

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 29 May 2008 01:39:00 +0000

I learned a valuable lesson in the bathroom today.

I was sitting in the toilet minding my own business when I noticed a particularly hideous specimen of millipede just hanging out near the edge of the bathtub.

At first I was naturally scared because I am a total urbanite, having been raised as far away from barns as humanly possible.

I noticed he took two devouring two nearby bugs however, smaller flying creatures, and I started to like him, because I like bugs that eat more annoying bugs like mosquito.

"Oh that's great," I thought, "maybe we can keep him."

However, it wouldn't sit still, it would run up and down the bathtub, reaching the floor, and then scurry across the floor. I propped my legs up in a panic, I didn't want it touching me.

After watching it run around some more, I took a broom handlebar from the nearby closet, and proceeded to spear it like Ahab tried spearing his whale.

After some misses, I managed to beat the thing into submission. It laid on the floor dead.

I think the lesson I learned is, no matter how helpful you are, someone will still want to stab you to death with a broom handle if you don't at least pretend to know your place around a giant person.

Help With Top 5 Anal ScenesorIts An Honest Question

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 23 May 2008 00:45:00 +0000

It just hit me that I haven't read a good list of Top Anal scenes committed to non-pornographic films.

I'm a bit stumped. Here is what I have:

5) Marlon Brando does a ho in the backside using butter as lubrication in Last Tango in Paris.

4) Rednecks anally rape a fat man in the movie Deliverence. They make him squeeeel like a pig.

3) The girl Marlon Brando did in number 5 gets her vengeance. She fingers him as he monologues in Last Tango in Paris.

2) Heath Ledger does Jake Gyllenhal in Brokeback Mountain using spit as lube.

1) ??

I can't come up with number one. There is a 15 minute doggy style rape scene in the film Irreversible, but it isn't apparent whether its anal or if he's just "hittin' it from the back."

As you can tell, I need some Mr. Skin style help here.

I've Invented A Game Based On How Many Times I've Visited ABCNews orGuess The Story From The Whacky Photoshop

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:08:00 +0000

Look carefully at the following picture featured in an ABC News story:

Now guess the general angle of the ABC News story based solely on the above photoshop.

Click here for the mind-blowing answer

There Will Be PollenorWho Knew Allergy Piills Made You Drowsy

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:22:00 +0000

I made the mistake of smoking a ton and wallowing in Pollen this weekend while visiting my old friend Mr. Reality Show Reject and his fiance the big Puerto Rican (they're the happy HIV positive couple that I know).

Once I came home I was hit by a painful allergic attack. I was congested completely. I was sneezing and hacking up painfully. I took an anti-allergy pill last night and I woke up completely drowsy.

WHO KNEW allergy pills are strong sleeping pills as well? Its just bullshit, I want to fight my allergies while I'm getting up and going.

Nevertheless, before taking the pill, I stopped at a Blockbuster to pick up the film There Will Be Blood which I had been dying to see for sometime.

And what a great movie this is. The characters are larger than life, the story is a completely dark American Gothic style parable. It centers around Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day Lewis, who totally deserved this Oscar win) and his young son. Daniel is a somewhat deranged oil man who haunts the 19th century landscape digging up oil and cheating people out of profits.

This is the sort of movie that you know is important as you're watching it. The soundtrack sometimes sounds as tense as the violin plucks in Kubrik's The Shining and there are gorgeous shots like the one shot behind Daniel as his oil rig catches on fire making it seem as if he's just struck oil in Hell.

This isn't just a high-art film, its tense without being schlocky, and its deliciously mean. Several decades later in American history from the film's setting and the country is still dealing with Oil madmen and religious zealots, both issues covered well in the movie.

The infamous Milkshake scene from There Will Be Blood, recreated by 5 year old girls

I ended up passing out in exhaustion after the movie ended, and now I'm here ready to die of drowsiness. Just go watch the movie.

I just had a scary thought. I was wondering what kind of crazy parent would not only allow their kids to recreate mature scenes from films--but encourage them to do so in order to put the scene on youtube. I looked within my heart and, yep, I would totally do the same if I had kids.

*Update:

I just now stumbled on the bizarre sub-subculture of Internet parodies, specifically youtube videos that parody the end of There Will Be Blood. Take a peek only if you've seen the movie or if you don't mind spoilers:

There Will Be Milkshakes

There Will Be Pokemon

A Wayward Voicemail MessageorThis Is What I Get For Changing My Number From An LA One To A New York One.

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:54:00 +0000

Be Grateful For Your FamilyorMy Stupid Uncle Twice Removed

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Fri, 16 May 2008 20:40:00 +0000

I envy other people's families.

Fly G's mother is an upper New York state seductress, she's currently banging his old junior high principal. Other mother's that I know are happily married living in some cottage somewhere.

My family? Well they're almost reptilian in their base squalor. It comes from the fear of being an immigrant I suppose. All my mother ever does is work at a soap factory, come home, and watch television all day wondering when I'm going to call her.

I bring up my family because my uncle twice removed (my grandmother's sister's son...remember I'm hispanic) is visiting NY.

Well, when you visit NY, you have to have certain things planned beforehand, namely flight reservations to get here, maybe familiarize yourself with the locale, and also find a hotel within your budget.

Last I heard my uncle twice removed bought his ticket but was frantically calling me to find a hotel for him and his family. A hotel in NY that would cost around $100 that is.

Is he fucking crazy, I told him, I suggested he stay in a JFK airport or in New Jersey somewhere. I told them about the LIRR and the E train he can use to get around, and you'd think that be enough, but then I get a call at 10 pm the evening before he's supposed to arrive asking me for MORE info.

What MORE can I say? You don't speak english and I'm leaving for the weekend so you can't stay with me! I offered to have lunch with you but you haven't called all day, and its 5:15 now and its time to slip on some crazy outfit and catch up with some friends...you know, how normal people do (MOM!)

You think your family is nuts, well at least they know how to convert oxygen into energy to power their cells; the jury is still out on whether or not my family can do the same.

-related

Gay Marriage Legal In CaliforniaorYou Motherfuckin' Mac User

noreply@blogger.com (Kevin) — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:04:00 +0000

We have received reports that, yes indeed, California has put the kibosh on the gay marriage ban meaning that California could (and rightfully should) allow for same sex marriages, and also for the rubbing of feces on homophobic rap artists.

Yes you did read the above right. It is no secret that the black male rap artist is the natural enemy and predator of the homosexual, and this recent ruling in the land of Gin'N'Tonic has a considerable effect on the anti-gay thug community.

Fuck em, they can no longer use fag, queer, and homo in their insipid "cultural" music. Here are a few choice homo-friendly samples:

ANT BANKS featuring KING TEE - West Riden
I was a made man at fifteen years
Cuz momma didn't raise no watermelon-eatin’ iPhone user

CANIBUS - 2nd Round KO
You studied my rhyme, then you lays your vocals after mine
That's a bitch move, somethin that a massuh rapper would do
A watermelon-eatin’ nigga tryin ta make a livin offa dissin

COMMON - Dooinit
Asians hate you, they ain't paying you no attention
In a circle of watermelon-eatin’s, your name is mentioned

CYPRESS HILL - Pigs
This pig he's a fuckin' Mac user
So all his homepigs they call him a pussy.

DMX - Crime Story
When I go, taking a bunch of the motherfuckers with me
I ain't sittin around waiting
For them watermelon-eatin’ asians to come and get me

DMX Freestyle on Funkmaster Flex - The Mix Tape Volume III
Life ain't worth a penny in, my book, watermelon-eatin’
That's why I took, watermelon-eatin’ - shit, I'm a crook, watermelon-eatin’

EMINEM - Criminal
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That'll stab you in the head
whether you're a Mac user or a PC User
Or the massuhs, hermaph or a trans-a-vest
Pants or dress - hate Mac users? The answer's "yes"

Fo'sho, much love to my watermelon-eatin' mac users out there! Peep this, boy