2012 - A New Beginning

From Beginning to End

2012-12-16T20:54:00.001-05:00

Well, it’s mid December and the year is coming to an end. You know, perhaps the year didn’t go as well as I would have liked but the truth is, there is so much for me to be proud of this year that I decided I needed to acknowledge them all one time.

Here is a copy of my first post…

”OK.. Here we go. Here are some basic facts. Last year was the worst year of my life. A year that included some of the most horrible events of my 39 years of existence. I'm not going to go into all of that (even though I actually did and deleted it), because my whole point in creating this blog is to document the transition to 2012. I have no doubt that this is the year I will have the greatest impact on the world.

So, today is January 1st, 2012. I have $100 that is supposed to last me for the next 3 weeks somehow. I have a tiny little apartment, a beat up 1990 Le Baron convertible, 2 dogs, my cat, a very few good real friends, a much condensed list of facebook friends, a brand new twitter account, a new blog and a nagging sense that this is the year for me, my company. my career and my finances. Besides, if I am wrong... there's always the Zombie Apocalypse to save me :)”

There’s no doubt that last year WAS the worst year of my life and as promised time has healed most of the wounds. Somehow, I DID make it those 3 weeks with $100 and I started my job at Sweet Tomatoes. That turned out to be a disaster, but that’s not the point. I eventually sold my car, bought a truck and of course I still have the beasts.

I didn’t get as far with the creation of my company as I would have liked. If anyone is interested in investing let me know! :)

As for my career, well something excellent did happen. I realized that I did NOT want to work in restaurants anymore. 2012 has absolutely been a year of learning for me. I have learned what I like and what I don’t, what I want and what I don’t.

So there are a LOT of things going on:

I relocated back to Orlando and am back in the house that I own.
I am back in school and 1.5 semesters away from my AA degree.
I started a job at the Orlando Ballet and I absolutely LOVE the idea of working there.
I’m single but confident in myself and the assets I have in relationships.
I’m gluten free and weigh less than I have at any point since I was 25.
I’ve been writing consistently and have gotten pretty positive feedback doing so.

The bottom line is this: I have spent a year working on understanding EXACTLY what I want and don’t want from a relationship, a career and this life. I have learned (as this blog will attest) what I can handle and what I can’t.

There is one area that I made a miscalculation… I didn’t make the huge impact on the world this year, just on my own life. I needed to do that first and honestly, that’s OK with me.

There does not appear to be a Zombie Apocalypse and we will know in the coming days if the Mayans were right. Either way, I am very happy with my personal progress this year regardless of the outcome for the rest of the planet :)

Lastly, I have to say, the accomplishment that I feel the most pride in of 2012 is this blog. It got difficult to write sometimes and there were weeks where nothing got written, yet all-in-all I kept a pretty good record of the events of the year. Even more fascinatingly, I learned how many people have actually read and followed m blog. Old friends that I hadn’t spoken to in years, new friends that just met me on this journey and total strangers from across the world have all contacted me to comment on it. Literally, this blog has been visited over 6000 times. That's amazing! That has meant more than words can say to me.

Anyway, thanks for reading!! Bring on 2013!

Good Times... Orrrrrrrr....

2012-11-21T19:44:00.001-05:00

In life there's a common belief that one should always remember "where they came from".

Yet I truly believe that one of the great purposes of life is to move forward and evolve continuously. I think it's part of our genetic makeup to look back on past events and see them as less taxing, painful and/or traumatic as they were at the time that they occurred in our life. Consequently, I believe attempting to remember things that you've overcome in your life can be a futile attempt at humility because our brain has simply lessened the lasting impact of terrible events over time. Hence the "time heals all wounds" crap, I mean cliche. Learning from those experiences is, of course, crucial but reliving them virtually impossible.

My best example is the chickenpox. I'd argue that no one remembers exactly how painful or how devastating they were when they had them. Sure, you can say that you were a kid. I wasn't. I was 25 and my doctor said it was the worst case he'd ever seen. Even I don't remember the extent of the pain. Essentially, all that I do remember is that I felt like they would never go away and that nothing would ever feel that bad again. THAT'S the lasting impression that they left on me....

My journey thru Hell took an unbelievably painful turn on this day last year. It was the day that I found out that my 19 year old shift leader had committed an armed robbery and quite literally endangered the lives of my entire crew, including a 16 year old girl who was training on the first night of her first job ever, the night the restaurant was robbed. It was absolutely devastating. I remember screaming "FUCK!" at the top of my lungs when my boss told me she had been arrested and charged. I had spent a week since the robbery vigorously defending the girl because I simply could never believe that someone I knew as well as I thought I knew her, would do something so despicable.

All of this came 2 days after my car had been repossessed. I was entering a life altering downward spiral.

Today, one year ago, I didn't know that tomorrow, one year ago, I would be terminated for those events that had occurred a week prior. But that's precisely what happened. And it left my life completely empty and had me questioning everything about myself and life in general. It was a despair that I cannot adequately express.

So, happy November 21st 2012 to everyone, especially me. I have learned so much in the past 365 days yet rereading this post I haven't recaptured one one-hundredth of the feeling and honestly, I guess I feel blessed for that.

Life is a series of triumphs and tribulations. Occasionally, one of them changes your perspective forever. I'm grateful to be here, in Orlando, in school, away from the drama and the pain. This, right now, is one of those times that I'll look back on and see myself as being incredibly happy. Even if I do forget that once in a while.

So, my challenges have changed in 2102, as has my perspective. I have spent the year trying to remember where I came from and applying the hard learned lessons that accompanied it. When December 31st comes this year, my year of respect and remembrance will be over, and I look forward to the good part... Appreciating where and who I AM NOW!!!

This is so my issue...

2012-11-11T19:44:00.000-05:00

It’s mid-November and the year of personal growth is rapidly coming to a close for me. Yet as time marches onward, I still feel that I am not quite there yet.

I am trying very hard not to fall into an old trap. Insecurity is a fascinating thing. It makes you see things that aren’t there; miss some of the things that are right in front of you and find yourself in a bad place when you didn’t even know it was happening.

If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it’s that I am a good person. I, literally do nothing with the intent to hurt people or myself. It’s something I am VERY proud to say.

We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves. We all have things that we assume others don’t like about us. Yet, when we are confronted face to face with someone telling us that THEY don’t like that quality, it seems particularly tough to handle. I have my imperfections. But even those aren’t meant to be hurtful or angry. They’re simply things that make me human. When someone that you care about tremendously points them out it becomes almost overbearing and if I’m not careful, they can make me spiral. I can’t change my past and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to.

The problem with life in the 21^st Century is that what was once a shoe box of old photos and memories in your closet is now on Facebook (or a blog) for the world to see and reference forever. I had an old girlfriend who was so insecure that she made me destroy all of my photos of life before her. I loved her, so I did. The problem was, we broke up, now there’s no record of my life before her and my 25 birthday or so. I vowed I would never do that again. The problem with things like Facebook’s timeline is that it ALSO keeps the things you never wanted to keep and in some ways didn’t even remember you posted, thought or EVER wanted to relive. It was so much easier with a shoebox…. You’d cut them up, burn them or trash them however you wanted. Now it’s more complicated.

I imagine that I am rambling, so let me get to my point. I am not perfect. I work every day to be the best me that I can be and in this life that’s all I think you can ask of anyone. Unlike most people, I have plastered a GREAT DEAL of my personal life online. Many people have asked why.

Sometimes I think it’s because it’s therapeutic. Sometimes I narcissistically think it’s because I can help others to realize how human they are.

The reality is I am not sure why I am ok with posting my past and my flaws online. It may really be because I am hoping that by people around me knowing everything about me, they’ll know when they are hurting me and stop. It doesn’t always work that way though.

So tomorrow is a new day. I’ll try to keep my opinions to myself. I’ll try not to hurt those around me. I’ll try to make myself a better listener and try to close in on perfect. I won’t succeed. But I guess the hope is that one day, what I do have to offer is just right to be happy.

Safe and Insecure...

2012-10-23T19:52:00.000-04:00

One of the songs that I have listed the lyrics for in the past few weeks is called "Narcissistic Cannibal" by KORN. That is one of a small handful of songs that tells a story about self-sabotage and insecurity. It's a concept that I used to embrace and have made an active effort to release. That idea has liberated me personally...

There's no way of measuring the impact of insecurity on relationships. There's no concrete statistic that shows the specific details,and consequences, of emotional insecurity on the divorce rate, the percentage of siblings that do not speak or the number of friendships that have ended as a result. Yet,there is no doubt that it is an overwhelming component of all of those fractured relationships, and far more. The dictionary defines insecurity as a lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt, but this does not measure the consequences of this condition on people's own lives. Insecurity leads to jealousy, mental instability, and acute anxiety and self-sabotage.

Happiness is an intangible concept, a “pie in the sky” ideal that gets discussed and remains largely undefined throughout most people’s lives. More often than not, people look backward at their lives and remember “happy times” despite that fact that, during that actual period, they were just as consumed with the idea of being happy then as they are at present. In order for one to be happy, they have to define the word, as well as their own personal perspective, to make it tangible. In other words, set a goal of happiness. This theory helps a person to limit the effects of their insecurities, primarily because they do not entertain as many distractions from their ultimate goal.They also make more proactive decisions and generally gain confidence with each passing day.

Jealousy tends to be the most often discussed result of insecurity, but it has nowhere near the strongest impact on the relationship.Self-sabotage does. There are generations of stories of people’s self-sabotage leading to their own destruction. From Howard Stern to Heath Ledger, from Adam and Eve to Oedipus Rex, insecurity has led to the downfall of thousands of people to both real and fictional. The idea that someone feels that they themselves do not deserve to be happy, literally makes them destroy themselves and their relationships out of fear. They see it as an irrational fear that it is ultimately going to happen anyway and that all they are doing is sanctioning the inevitable. Sabotage! Online dating is often an excellent example of self-sabotage, people sit behind a computer looking at people that they feel inferior to and tell themselves that they wouldn’t stand a chance with them and keep clicking. Sound like high school? It is. It’s sabotage!

Self-sabotage and jealousy can have serious consequences on human health. It has been scientifically proven that stress is a major cause of heart disease and many other harmful, even fatal, ailments. People stress over where their mate hasn’t called, why they haven’t come home, when they’re going to make ends meet, etc. As these stresses build, they have long term ramifications on the person themselves. Many get caught up in the drama of their daily lives without realizing that they are essentially shortening their own time on earth.

So where does insecurity come from? To answer this question,a person must look at every aspect of their lives, from family and upbringing,to appearance and social status. People tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves and others. Moreover, in relationships, some tend to feel that they are dating “out of their league”, and as we age and our bodies change, some people's’ insecurities make them date younger (hence the midlife crisis) others,make them remove themselves from dating altogether. While when some are younger, they date much older people to feel more secure.

The key to overcoming emotional insecurity is far more simple one might imagine. Success breeds security. Often there is chill as that word is read. Success feeling of accomplishment in life. For many raising a family equals success, for others it means rising to the top of a major corporation or opening a business. For some, it is just continuing to take another breath and live for another day.

The reality to be faced is that the only one that can create happiness is the person themselves. So dating someone to feel special, getting the right job or marrying and having a family can only aid to happiness, but the success comes when that person looks in the mirror and realizes that they are the best that they have to offer themselves and this world. That feeling breeds confidence; with confidence comes security, with security people find happiness.

A Word to the Wise

2012-10-19T17:18:00.001-04:00

“I am simply of the opinion that you cannot be taught to write. You have to spend a lifetime in love with words.” ― Craig Claiborne

For thousands of years, there has always been an intense fascination with vocabulary and writing. Personally, from 8^th grade, when I starting writing love letters to girlfriends, through high school with songs and poetry, to my professional life where I have written artist bios, press releases and magazine articles, writing has been an integral part of my existence. As a child, I remember my mother telling me that “swear” words were a representation of ignorance and demonstrated a lack of vocabulary. I was hooked! How can a word or words mean that you have less of a vocabulary? I loved that idea! I learned every bad word and most every good one. Most people will tell you that I use both styles quite well.

Words are so ridiculously powerful. Whether it’s an abhorring insult or a spectacular compliment, the words spoken, or written, to someone can move them, hurt them, elate them or destroy them. Words have started and ended wars. They have made memorable, weddings and funerals alike. This gift of language has enabled us to teach and learn, overcome adversity, become empowered and implement our dreams and desires. Words have been accused of causing death as well as breathing life.

Words in the form of lyrics are undoubtedly the most often overlooked aspect of our literary impact. From Air Supply to Eminem, words have been used to incite and express anguish, make political statements, create social awareness, restore order and create chaos.

Perhaps the most stunning aspect of language is the impact it has unknowingly on people. This is part of my feelings previously expressed about personal accountability. At this point I have to say, I have been, in my life, the poster child for abuse via language. It is one of the many things I have changed about my life. That said, there is a responsibility that comes along with using the language; one that is not always embraced by its users.

When used carelessly, a word “Bitch!” can anger, escalate and infuriate, while when used properly, “Beautiful!” can flatter, sooth and quell. Arguably, the most often misused words are equally “Love and “Hate”.

Phrases such as “You look fantastic!” make a person, especially an acquaintance that you haven’t seen in a while, feel fantastic. Yet, “Boy, you have lost weight” can imply that someone used to look terrible!

The power of some words and phrases cannot be entirely measured; “Are you pregnant?” can have devastating unintended consequences, while “You look very nice today”, can be entirely misconceived. A few months ago, I asked a fellow student if she thought it was “hot in here” (It WAS!) She replied by recoiling and stammering and gave me the impression that I was the “Creepiest” guy alive.

So, the next time, you decide to flip the bird or say “Damn!” when an attractive person walks by, remember that those words aren’t just said. They’re perceived, heard and interpreted by someone else. Words are weapons and gifts; they’re deadly and life-giving. Think before you speak. You will only be showing your own intellectual capacity.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ― Mother Teresa

Living Like I am Dying...

2012-10-17T15:22:00.001-04:00

A little over a year ago, I cut most people out of my life in an attempt to regroup.

In retrospect, it was a strange decision I admit, but I reached a point where I didn't know who or what to trust. I deleted all but about 10 numbers from my phone and cut over 300 people from Facebook.

Basically, the reason I did so was to purge myself of all of the negativity in myself and my life. I cut off my family and many of my friends and in time, I basically began to rebuild from the ground, up. It was a defining time for me. As most of the people that I have known for the last year plus will tell you, I have evolved a lot as a person since that decision.

There have been some recent events in my life that have made me appreciate where I am at both physically and emotionally. I'm not going to get into it because honestly it isn't about me. It's about my friend. But the point is, I had an AMAZING night last night with some friends I haven't seen in almost 20 years. It was an eye-opening experience and it made me realize that just because time goes by and people lose touch doesn't mean you aren't cared about. Actually, perhaps the greatest aspect of true friendship is that it can pick up right where it left off.

So to make my point, I am opening my world back up to the people that want to be in it. I'm sorry if it seemed or seems if I am being arrogant. It wasn't at all like that. It was more about me finding out about me and understanding my own identity. Now I want to share that identity.

This life is too short and fleeting to be too caught up in minutia. Every day is a blessing that needs to be lived like we are dying... Because, we are.

Dave-DeVito, Orlando, FL, Creative Writer, Copywriter, Article Press, Web Content, Editor Proofreader

2012-10-10T17:18:00.001-04:00

Dave-DeVito, Orlando, FL, Creative Writer, Copywriter, Article Press, Web Content, Editor Proofreader

What Do I Want To Be If I Grow Up?

2012-10-06T20:33:00.001-04:00

It's October Already! That's amazing. It seems like yesterday that I started this new life.

It has been quite an unbelievable year so far and I still have a few months left. I took my first mid-term exam in 20 years today. I don't believe I did as well as I had hoped, but, in my defense its been a long time since I had to make my little brain work this hard to memorize terms. Being back in school hasn't been as stressful as I feared. Actually, its been pretty awesome. I have 3 interesting classes and some great professors. More importantly, I will now have 6 classes for my AA degree and the ability to transfer to the 4 year college of my choice. Lately, I have been entertaining the University of Hawaii.

I am pretty sure that I want to pursue a degree in Journalism. I have the previous experince of having been published many years ago when I used to write for DMA Magazine, a dance music magazine out of Chicago.

I have actually embraced the idea that I have no idea what I want to be. I have truly begun to enjoy the journey...

Narcissistic Cannibal -Korn

2012-10-01T01:48:00.001-04:00

"Narcissistic Cannibal"

Don't wanna be sly and defile you
Desecrate my mind and rely on you
I just wanna break this crown
But it's hard when I'm so run down

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal!
Got to bring myself back from the dead!

Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made
Everything's wrong every time
Pushing on I can't escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Holding on I'm lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days

Don't wanna be rude but I have to
Nothing's good about the hell you put me through
I just need to look around
See that life that has come unbound

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal
Got to bring myself back from the dead

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made
Everything's wrong every time
Pushing on I can't escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made
Everything's wrong every time
Pushing on I can't escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Holding on I'm lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days

Holding on I'm lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days

The deeply disturbing side of me...

2012-09-16T02:16:00.000-04:00

I was given an assignment in my English class. I was told to find a gory, disgusting story on the news and make a "Once upon a time.." story out of it...

Heres the article..

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/05/29/police-hackensack-man-stabbed-himself-threw-his-skin-and-intestines-at-officers/

Here's my story....

To Protect and Serve…

Once upon a time, there was a perfectly normal, well-adjusted man that, on a bright sunny day in New Jersey, needed to cut, remove and show his intestines to the local police and SWAT teams. Wayne Carter was a nice guy, an easy going fellow that simply had an eventful day. When the old school alarm clock on his nightstand went off one Tuesday morning, Carter stated aloud, “Today is a good day!” This was a little trick he’d taught himself to kick start his day. This was a trick he’d used for years; Ten years to be exact. That is how long it had been since “The Incident”.

In spring of 2002, 33 year old, Carter had a bizarre day. It wasn’t his fault. He was simply a victim of circumstance. Hanging out on the south side of town with a couple of “friends”, he was merely conducting business, a business that was based in largely unregulated pharmaceutical distribution. Anyway, his was primarily a cash based entity, one that focused on serving his community. Well, on this specific afternoon, he ran into a gentleman ironically named “Lil Jon”. Lil Jon was about seven feet tall and looked like a brick wall with feet. He arrived on the corner and explained to Mr. Carter that there had been a mix-up and that Carter had clearly inadvertently set up his business at the location usually occupied by himself. That’s when Connie, the guy in Carter’s head, warned him of Lil Jon’s intentions. Carter did what any of us would; he showed gratitude and listened to his trusted internal friend. There is more to the story but, ultimately, Mr. Carter ended up riding in the back of a police car later that night, to help sort things out.

The police requested that Mr. Carter spend some time at their station and planned out a strategy for his future. (These truly were nice guys). The strategy included Carter donating some of his time, and his hard earned money, to the local government. They also requested that he remain “in touch” with them for the next few years. Though this seemed like a strange sentiment to Carter, he obliged and once a month, he visited with a man named Mr. Diaz just to talk for a few minutes. But all of that was years ago. He hadn’t thought about that for a while. Anyway, that was the strangest day he had before today.

For the most part, today was just fine. It started just like the rest. Mr. Carter had coffee and a doughnut for breakfast, a turkey sandwich and a beer for lunch and a sensible Lean Cuisine and another beer for dinner. That’s when he saw the TV. The six o clock news announced a recall on Lean Cuisine. Thank goodness for his old friend Connie. He warned him that food needed to come out and there was only one way to do it. It needed to be cut out. It needed to be cut out NOW.

An hour later, alone in his room, having followed his instructions, Mr. Carter heard a knock at the door. It was the police. He hadn’t heard from them in years. Excited to see him, they actually burst into his apartment to say “hello”. But they got scared when they saw the knife, and maybe the intestines, and asked that drop the knife immediately. With his trusty friend in his ear, Carter explained that he had this Lean Cuisine in him and he proudly showed the kind officers the parts of the dinner he had cut out of him. They were still pretty far away so in his excitement, he threw it to them. But they left. He didn’t understand at first, but Connie told him it was ok and it was. The police brought their friends back with them! It said SWAT and they were big guys. They thought that squirting some stuff in his eyes would help get the poison out of him but it didn’t work out too well. He apparently lost consciousness, for a minute, from the poison, and then finally, they helped him lie down and fall asleep. They took Wayne to the hospital and he ended up feeling much better…no more poison Lean Cuisine in him.

Today was an unusual, but fantastic day for Wayne Carter. He got to hear Connie’s voice for the first time in years. He, thankfully, got warned by the local news and was able to act quickly to save his own life. But, most importantly, he got to see his old friends at the Hackensack N.J. police department, the good men that were always there to assist him. This was the kind of day people who take drugs could only hope to have.

Big big things.

2012-08-26T00:48:00.001-04:00

School starts monday! Thats so amazing. Assuming I hunker down and hope Isaac doesn't devastate Florida. I think we're safe there.

My poor dog Simone is sick. But she's got meds and will be getting better.

I made a decision to do something I think is unbelievably cool. I'll get into it next post.... That's called a teaser.

Run for the border...

2012-07-29T00:03:00.001-04:00

As my final days in Georgia wind down, I have begun to get a little nostalgic. I imagine I will get over it pretty quickly. I mean, it has been a relatively horrific experience. One that has included divorce, my restaurant being robbed at gunpoint, having a separate gun pulled on me, blatantly discriminatory termination from a job, dating 2 complete psychopaths, recovery from the brink of emotional and financial disaster and much, much more... Ahh the memories.

But within the next 48 hours, I will be back in Florida. That's not to say that I think Orlando is all puppy dogs and butterflies. However, it is a great opportunity to put together the second half of my life.

Some of my best memories, longest lasting friendships and favorite places are in Orlando. Plus, I am headed back to school on August 27th. That's really exciting. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Nonetheless, I will be moving toward a degree. THAT is something I want to do for myself. Not necessarily for a job.

So, to Georgia I say, in the immortal words of the not-so-well-known band Fall Out Boy

"One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great..."

Back to Florida I go... 20 years after my first go around. I have a LOT more experience and I am taking NO prisoners... Here goes nothing!

State of Unhappiness v. David DeVito... Don't Judge Me!

2012-07-24T00:31:00.003-04:00

Perhaps the biggest revelation of my entire life happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I promised that I would write about it, so I am making the time to do so.

Opening Argument:

I'm broken. Most of us are. Very rarely do we take the time to acknowledge it, let alone correct it. For the past few weeks, I have discovered the crux of my issue. As I have all year long, I am voicing it here for anyone who would like to listen to do so. I keep referring to the "hole" that I had inside. It is a hole that I have tried to fill with jobs, cars and, most importantly, women! That hole is actually insecurity. My insecurity was deeply rooted, immeasurable and almost impossible for me to recognize in myself. But after months of personal analysis, and the help of a few good friends, I have found it.

Exhibit 1

I have worked for at least 6 millionaires and one billionaire. I have thrown myself into every job I have had as if it were my own business. Six to nine months into the job, I begin to get "ancy". I begin to feel as if the level of dedication is not reciprocated by the company and/or person in charge and begin to get frustrated. That frustration grows to a point where I simply do not enjoy the work and no longer want to be part of the operation. Now, in MANY cases, I have been wronged. I have had employers back out of contracts owing my 10s of thousands of dollars. I have been wrongfully (and at times rightfully)terminated. I have been paid virtually nothing to create businesses for people on their word that they'd "take care" of me when they made money. I even had a company that I made millions for, hold my last paycheck and leave me flat broke on New Years after giving proper notice just to punish me for leaving. That said, I would always leave furious that my work ethic and my dedication had not commanded more respect from my employer. It was only recently that I began to understand why.

Exhibit 2

I have spent a lot of time (arguably too much) in the past year analyzing myself and my romantic relationships, the"ins and outs", who was at fault, mistakes made, etc. Mostly, I did this in an attempt not to repeat past mistakes. As many will attest, the"not repeating" thing is not my strongest asset. Nevertheless, I revisited the topic and realized something about the girls that I date. A guynamed Eddie that I worked with about 100 years ago in Disney once said that all girls I dated tucked their hair behind their ear, and that fact, alone, was theonly thing that they all had in common. However, in 2012, I realized that was not the only thing. Not only did all of these girls have something in common with each other, but they have something in common with all of my former employers as well.

Exhibit 3

That common ground is, simply put, that they WANTED me. It didn't matter to me if I wanted them. It didn't matter if it was the meth addict or the fast food joint, if they wanted me, I'd give it a shot. This was based on my own lack of self-worth, my "hole" but I never realized it. I, actually, have VERY specific taste and pretty high job standards. I once saw a former manager of mine at Disney. He was working at the Ale House and I thought "His life didn't turn out well". Granted, I was far more judgmental in my youth. The point is that I always held myself to that high standard in my own head but rather than stand my ground and realize that I needed to shoot higher than a mediocre career or a less than quality girlfriend, I would commit to the first recruiter or psychopath that showed interest in me and my "hole"!

Exhibit 4

A few weeks ago, I went to Orlando and a friend of mine was saying over and over, that he couldn't understand what had "happened" to me. He didn't get how I could have landed so far from where I was and he even went so far as to say "I mean, you're DAVE DEVITO" as if that meant something monumental. My response was to thank him, but to point out how that didn't really get you too much in this world.After a week of reflection and introspective in Orlando, like a baseball bat to the temporal lobe, it hit me! That was IT! The one who didn't see "Dave DeVito" as worth something more, was ME!

Closing Argument

And that truly is it. Now let's go back, back to the millionaires that I was trying to impress. Not because I wanted more money or more recognition, but because I was shoveling dirt into this hole in my self-esteem. No amount of money was ever enough to make me feel proud. Nothing was enough to make me feel "complete". The last 3girls that I had dated all screamed in my face as our relationship ended, that I was impossible to satisfy (One said insatiable: the other two.. not that bright). Of course I was! I wasn't happy with ME! How could they be happy with me?! Moreover, how could they possibly make me happy???? I know this may all seem like common sense or, perhaps, like something out of a self-help book, but it was amazing to click that light on in my head. I have felt like an entirely different person.

That I have figured out this "hole", this insecurity, at 40, is a true blessing to me, mostly, because, now I am at least armed with some information that may actually lead to my own happiness. People say that your 40s are the best time of your life because you're still young enough to go out and do things but you know better than to fall into traps that you wouldn't have seen earlier. Time will tell whether that ends up being true.But there is one thing that I have learned. I need to be my biggest fan.

The defense rests.

Dedication (Ok, that doesn’t fit the theme)

To my friend Jay Pravato, I want to feel as strongly about actually being Dave DeVito as you do about me being Dave DeVito. Thanks!!

My Gluten Free Story

2012-07-21T22:30:00.000-04:00

On March 28th 2012, I got the results of a food tolerance test, called the ALCAT, that I had taken a few weeks prior. The results of that test shocked me. In total, there were 85 items on the list.
The ALCAT identifies 3 different levels of "food intolerance". The majority of the items on my list were on the "Mild" intolerance list, but one thing was clear. I had a gluten intolerance. This was pretty much my worst fear. I grew up in a family that ordered pizza or pasta from the family restaurant virtually every night. Gluten was something that my body couldn't live without.. or so I thought.
I am not going to get into what gluten is or any of the technical jargon. There are literally 100s of thousands of articles online about the subject. I'm writing this is to talk about the effects that this has had on me personally.

November Last Year

I never considered myself overweight and neither did any of my doctors. However, in February, I was told that I had "slightly elevated" blood sugar and high cholesterol. I had maxed out my weight to 204lbs. High for me, but nothing outrageous (I am 6 feet tall). I had been working out since November and hadn't lost any weight. Friends and supporters would say "Muscle weighs more than fat" and "Once it starts coming off, it'll happen quickly" and other similar things. But the truth was, nothing was happening. So when I got the ALCAT results, I thought, "maybe it is the gluten", but that's was not going to be enough for me to change.
Then my mother told me about Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her book "The G-Free Diet". Now we were talking! Politics aside, she's beautiful and (as any of my friends will tell you) that was good enough for me! So I googled her. The introduction to her book is downloadable online, I read it and her symptoms were almost identical to mine and I became even more intrigued. I also knew that I had been feeling tired and listless a lot, so, gym membership and all, I decided to give this all a try.
For the first 2 weeks, I ate virtually nothing. Kroger had some good stuff and the gluten free food selection was limited in Publix or Walmart so I wasn't too sure. Honestly, I don't know how I did it for those first few weeks. I was not feeling better, I was not losing weight and I was hungry... ALL THE TIME. Actually, I was not only not feeling better. I was always hungry, always sleeping, always aloof and, honestly, pretty mean.
One day, about 2 weeks in, as I was blowing off my texts and phone calls, I realized that I was acting odd and started to wonder about it. So, back to google. This time the search was for "Gluten withdrawals". Turns out, that is a VERY real thing. Not experienced by everyone, but for those of us that do experience it, it has been compared to opiate withdrawals. Really! Look it up.

That was the night I realized that there was something to this. I mean, seriously, if there is a withdrawal associated with it, something isn't right about the stuff. It's like an addiction. That was too crazy to me.

Three weeks in, I had the amazingly good fortune of meeting a woman named Julia at Whole Foods in Roswell GA. Julia, in her 60s, has been gluten free (G-Free) for 5 years and was giving out ridiculously delicious, cupcake samples. We started talking and she walked around the store with me showing me the best brands and the best tasting individual items and she told me that it would be a long climb but that it would be worth it. She would turn out to be so right. I never could have dreamt how right she was, at the time.
So, I began to research local restaurants and national chains to find out where I could eat and what I could eat when I got there. To my surprise, almost every restaurant has a G-Free menu. Actually, I just found out today that Boston Market's chicken gravy is now G-Free (That's rare). I pretty much live on G-Free pizzas. There's a place called Brooklyn Joe's here in Atlanta that makes an AMAZING one. It has been a daily educational process, but a fun one. Plus, many people start conversations with me about the topic and that is a pretty cool thing too. Kroger associates, in particular, love to show off their products. In truth, some of those conversations are what led to me writing this entry.

Taken In Orlando 3 Weeks ago.

As it stands today, I weigh 179lbs. That's exactly 25lbs in just less than 4 months. But the point is more that I do NOT eat any less. I just don't eat the things my body can not process. I still eat "junk" food and I still eat as often as I want to and until I'm full. I even went through a phase where I stopped working out entirely for a full month and weighed 9lbs less at the end of the month than at the beginning of it.
I think the whole point that I want to make here is that the whole "G-Free Lifestyle" thing seems daunting to most people. However, if you ask ANYONE who knows me, they'll tell you that if I can do it.. truly... anyone can!
Now I am telling you that it's worth it!!

I feel better. I look better. Most importantly, I AM better. Literally, I went to my doctor about 2 weeks ago and she asked what I had done to lose so much weight. I told her that I was G-Free. She smiled and said "Wow! Good job. Ok, we don't need to worry about the blood sugar and cholesterol anymore." She didn't even test me! THAT is Stunning! It also backs up Elisabeth Hasselbeck's claim in her book that the medical community isn't interested in promoting this type of testing because there's no "pill" for it. When she diagnosed me back in February, there was no mention of going G-Free.

Lastly, when I first started this endeavor at the end of March, and had no idea what I was doing, I read dozens of blogs and they motivated me. I hope that today I am paying it forward a little.

Thanks for reading.

Prelude to a Post

2012-07-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

There is no doubt that as we entered July, the halfway point of 2012, I realized that this year, my "year of change" has become the strongest and most prolific year of my life. Even if, financially I am not there, emotionally I have struggled, and professionally, I have been set back.

It has become a daily series of revelations that are mapping out the real me...

I had to make a note of the most unusual time by far of 2012. I will get into it and reveal my epiphanies later this week. (I certainly have the time) Anyway here's my overview. I....

Left Sweet Tomatoes.
Went to Orlando to relax with the family.
Had a fantastic time there.
Got to spend some GREAT time with a couple of friends.
Decided to focus on returning to Orlando for good.
Had a LIFE CHANGING revelation about myself, my taste, my jobs and my attitude
Returned home.
Relaxed for a couple of days.
Went to a friends house for the 4th today.
Made a detailed list of things I need to do to get back to Orlando.

Tomorrow I wake up... and execute.

I will write my experiences tomorrow for sure...

Down but not out...

2012-06-07T21:15:00.001-04:00

Wow. The last 24 hours has been quite a roller coaster.

Personally, I had to deal with the second to last step of my insane drama yesterday. I think it will be coming to an end any day now. I'm not happy with the impending result but it's far from worst case scenario. We shall see...

Professionally, 2 nights ago I had arguably the worst night of my career. I was pretty crestfallen. I've never quite dealt with this type of people before. Anyway, I got absolutely berated by a total of 3 people in a 6 hour time frame and it hit me pretty hard.

But as I have said here several times.; If 2012 consists of 1 bad day a month, it's less in a year than it was in a single month last year. I'll take it.

Amazingly, today was quite a bounce back. I had a long, but great, day at work and feel like I may have turned a corner. There are a LOT of directions that this can all go, but the outlook is far more positive than it was 24 hours ago.

It just goes to show You never know what'll happen tomorrow. That's why you never give in to negativity... No matter how hard it hits you.

A Pirate Looks at 40

2012-05-19T01:59:00.001-04:00

A Pirate Looks at Forty Lyrics Performed by Jimmy Buffett
1974

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call
Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall
You've seen it all, you've seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam
And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen
Most of 'em dream, most of 'em dream

Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothin' to plunder
I'm an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late

I've done a bit of smugglin', I've run my share of grass
I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast
Never meant to last, never meant to last

And I have been drunk now for over two weeks
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks
But I got stop wishin', got to go fishin'
Down to rock bottom again
Just a few friends, just a few friends

I go for younger women, lived with several awhile
Though I ran 'em away, they'd come back one day
Still could manage to smile
Just takes a while, just takes a while

Mother, mother ocean, after all the years I've found
My occupational hazard being my occupation's just not around
I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

I feel like I've drowned, gonna head uptown

The old and the beautiful

2012-05-17T01:06:00.000-04:00

Well I made it... I'm 40. Can't believe it. I had a great birthday.

Some obnoxious friends on Facebook made it special. Got a few cool things from friends (and divas) including wine and other assorted goodies and had a phenomenal dinner at Dante's with my ex and even had a little surprise drink sent from my sister in Orlando. All in all it was a pretty awesome day.

So thank you to everyone that helped make the day special and the first 40 years... Unique.

Here's to another 40 or so ahead.... Bring it on baby.

4D

2012-05-15T22:36:00.001-04:00

So here it is.... My final night as a 30 something.

First let me say... I can not believe its 2012 and I am turning 40... That's INSANE to try to wrap my brain around.

One of the things about being a sarcastic bastard is that when big things like a 40th birthday come up... You get a LOT of grief. I know, I know!! It's my bed.... I'm lying here.

It's actually kind of exciting. Quality time at the chiropractor that will make my life MISERABLE... Dinner plans at one of my favorite restaurants.

All I ever hear about is how 40 is the ideal time in your life because you know more about the way the world works, you still feel good and can take on new projects... We shall see.

As of right now, I feel like a retired racehorse... Glue.

G Free Me....

2012-05-15T00:03:00.000-04:00

So, it has been way too long since I posted on here. I am forcing myself to sit down to update this now so, here I go.

Things have been pretty good Actually A LOT has happened. The gluten withdrawls were way more hardcore than I ever imagined they would be.

Finding quality food was pretty difficult at first but I have found quite a few good things. Basically, I'm SOL on bread. But I have found a great pasta made out of corn (Pasta D'Oro) and whole foods has a few good pie and pizza crusts.

Although it was hard at first, the benefits were almost instant. I have lost 8lbs the last I checked.

That can't be a bad thing...

I am allergic to life...

2012-04-17T21:27:00.001-04:00

Finally got my test results and I am allergic to everything I eat and I eat nothing I'm not allergic to.

Today was my first gluten free and dairy free day. It's going to be a real challenge. Yet I'm hoping to see a dramatic improvement quickly.

We shall see...

Earned Interest

2012-04-17T01:13:00.001-04:00

I constantly marvel at how I lost control of the respect of friends last year. On occasion, I still have some people attempt to do it to me this year. Most have learned quickly, that it tends to have far greater consequences these days.

I've always been sensitive when it comes to respect in romantic and business relationships and friendships. Mostly because I have, in the past, tended to give it without having friends, family, coworkers, etc. actually earn it. On at least 20 occasions, it has come back to bite me. Moreover, I spent a great deal of my own time attempting to prove myself to people. Most of whom, in retrospect, are not worthy of my time.

All if this is part of the massive insecurity I have tackled this year and more than a little bit responsible for it altogether.

Many of the people in my life passed unnecessary and certainly inaccurate judgement on me last year. Many people decided that they could enter and exit my life on their own terms and in their own time frame without any regard for the affect it had on me. They also, absolutely assumed and expected for me to be there when they are ready to do so. Like a fool, I always was!

I had given every excuse from the ages of my friends, to their personal struggles getting in the way of their thought processes and consideration to my feelings. But the reality is, I am the one that allowed the disrespect to happen.

So pretty much on a daily basis now, I think of how many people exited my life for good and didn't know it because I decided they didn't need to return.

Nothing in particular happened today to spark this. Actually, a few things happened more than a week ago. But beyond the shadow of a doubt today is the day that I've decided to say it.

I have to say acquaintances are completely different. I'm speaking particularly of people that were a part of my daily life that simply disappeared without warning or reason. Then came back and expected me to be there and pick right back up like they never left.

If we are friends, we are friends all the time. Friends are people that are there for one another.

If dating someone, work, school, family, other friends or personal crisis means that we don't speak for 2, 3 or 6 months, then my work philosophy kicks in...

"If we haven't used it in the last six months, we simply don't need whatever it is... Throw it away!"

"Meant To Live" ~ Switchfoot

2012-04-15T02:07:00.001-04:00

"Meant To Live"

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

[Chorus]
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

Useless stuff

2012-04-15T02:05:00.001-04:00

So much to write. I'm exhausted but I'm gonna try.

First, I had a spectacular 4 day mini vacation in Orlando. I didn't get to see any of my friends but did get to the beach, get a great new (used) Explorer and gain a new perspective, so it was definitely worth the trip.

Next up, I shaved the girls and they look silly. But they are more lovable than ever so that's been a lot of fun.

I'm broke. But step 1 of my 5 step process is complete. A respectable vehicle. So "check". Now I focus on work and living arrangements.

I like that I've patched up most of the relationships I have with people. That's a pretty cool feeling. I have a lil hostility toward a few of my friends but it'll fade I hope.

Lastly, I want to take a minute to mention how grateful I am for how far I've come in a little over 3 months. Full speed ahead.

Beaching and Moaning

2012-04-13T23:55:00.001-04:00

I love Cocoa Beach. I have been going there for 20 years. It's a simple beach with great water and a fantastic surf.

It was so nice to escape for a few days.

More to come...