The Ex-Girlfriend Project

Back Where We Started

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:08:40 -0500

She's gone.

It took us a while to actually go through with it, but it happened. It wasn't ugly or unpleasant, but it was very sad. We do love each other, and I wish her nothing but happiness...but it just wasn't right.

I can't say it was wasted, though...I learned a lot, and I might actually remember some of it this time, who knows. One thing I learned, or at least remembered, is that I'm damn tired of wasting time...damn tired. So, gonna try & do something about that.

Anyway, I'm back, and I guess I'll have to think up another color. Maybe I'll go with this. More later....

Blind Faith

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:14:40 -0500

So we've been talking about it...and, even though neither of us has actually come out & said or suggested anything concrete, my hunch right now is that she'll probably be leaving sometime in May. She has a contract at work that runs through April, and I know she's already thinking about that as a kind of cut-off date. I mean, anything could happen at this point, but that's my prediction...not that I believe in predictions.

And yes, I know that her beliefs should not be any less valid than mine...but it's not her ideaology itself as much as the way she lets it affect her life in ways that she doesn't realize are harmful. Last night, for instance, she called me after she got off work at 7:45 and said that it was a nice night & did I want to go for a quick drive through the park? She had a bad day at work & the park makes her feel better. I was in the middle of something & didn't want to break away, so she said that she was going to drive through there on the way home...even though it's about 15 miles out of the way and it was about 15 minutes before sundown (she likes to go to the park & 'connect with nature', as she calls it). I didn't think much of it, so I told her I'd see her when she got home in a little while.

So, I lose track of time & all of a sudden, it's 9:05. I haven't heard from her, so I give her a call to make sure she's ok. She doesn't answer. Finally, at about 9:30 she calls me back & says she lost track of time & was just sitting in her car meditating...which she does out there; this park is very remote & secluded. So she comes home a few minutes later & I...very politely...try to impress on her that it might not be the safest thing for a young woman to be alone in the park after dark....as I said, it is very remote & secluded, not to mention dark. She absolutely refused to recognize this point, telling me that I should have faith in her sixth sense to make sure she's always aware & safe. She says that she has a very deep spiritual connection to that park and that she knows nothing bad could ever happen to her there...after all, nothing bad has ever happened to her in her life, so she can go out alone in the dark all she wants and I just need to have faith & not worry so much...because, in short, she has a guardian fairy godmother angel. Oh, and apparently I was being very closed-minded & refused to believe in her.

So, Jaded, in response to your comment, it's not just that she plays with crystals & listens to Yanni...it's that she makes fundamental decisions about her day-to-day life & welfare based on a bunch of baloney. I felt like I was taking crazy pills....

And it's a damn shame, but I guess I knew it from day one....and then just tried to convince myself otherwise. I'm sure she feels the same to some extent. She needs somebody to believe in her fairy godmother...and I just can't do it. We'll see what happens.

More Fool Me

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:31:27 -0500

So anyway...

I'm not saying that I'm the kind of person who demands that my partner automatically believe exactly the same as I do...I can be open-minded. Hell, I've dated enough Catholic girls to learn to at least pick my battles. And, at first, that's the way I tried to look at it...that none of this new age stuff is any crazier than what the christians believe (I can't believe Blogger tries to tell me 'christian' is misspelled by not capitalizing it; fuck Blogger). And that, being a late bloomer, she'll probably grow out of it to an extent.

So, I figured I'd give it a shot. She moved 500 miles to come live with me & we piled all her stuff into my tiny apartment and settled in...and it was good. Then, little by little, this stuff began to creep into our daily lives. She'd have a bad dream & wake up and spend an hour looking up interpretations & meanings of it on the web, convinced that it was telling her something. I'd notice her checking her horoscope in the mornings (not a huge deal) and then started to see her doing online tarot readings...again, not a huge deal I guess, if she didn't also make day-to-day choices based upon whatever it said, that is.

Then came the talk about the past lives. At first, I tried again to just tell myself that millions of hindus & others believe in reincarnation, so it's not that unusual. But then came the kicker; one day a few months ago, she asked me if I believed in aliens. I told her that I don't beleieve in Roswell & little green men, but that life out there of some kind is certainly possible. She then proceeded to tell me how she doesn't believe in little green man either...she thinks that all the aliens are beautiful angels who are in secret communication with some enlightned people, who....do you really even need me to continue?

So, at this point, I was officially concerned. I took the problem to Elaine, whom she had become friends with by that time, and told her what was going on. I let her read a couple of the crazy-ass websites that Annette had showed me, and she agreed that somebody should, well, say something. So, we did. We sat her down & asked her just what it was that makes her think any of this is true. She responded by saying, reluctantly, that she knows a lot of it is probably not true...but that reading it & believing it makes her feel good. That she doesn't like all the ugliness & pain in the world, at that this is someplace that she can kind of retreat to....a warm, fuzzy fantasy world where benevolent aliens & fairies sprinkle pixie dust on the evils of the world.

So, she basically confirmed what I had already thought...that she wasn't necessarily crazy, but that it just made her feel better to think that way. We then tried to explain to her how, while her feelings were understandable, that it really wasn't healthy to live in that kind of fantasy world, especially when she was already so....unexposed, shall we say, to so many aspects of the real world...such as anything having to do with history, or current events, or culture, or...anything, really.

She said that she understood that...and that she knows that she needs to read more, and become more informed & involved with things, and that she was just having a hard time being in a new place & needed some comfort & yadda yadda,. So, I felt semi-better about it & life went on. And for a long while, I didn't hear a single crazy word come out of her mouth...I started to think that maybe some reality had finally sunk it.

Nope.

In fact, all that was going on was that she was just repressing it all...in this new environment, she didn't have any of her crazy friends around to talk to about any of this, so all her new-agey-ness was just being bottled up, looking for a release. And it all came to a head over christmas...

We were going out west to visit her parents in the little town that she grew up in. I had met her parents many times before, and we got along well. They seemed to me like normal, reasonable people, and in fact, I was looking forward to spending some time with them because I actually wanted to bring some of these concerns up to them. Nothing had really come up about it lately, but there had been several embarrassing moments in public where she was trying to make conversation with people & ended up saying something that was completely out there & off-the-wall enough to make people step back a little...stuff like telling the mother of a new baby that she needed to go and look up the baby's star signs & plan out some kind of astrological growing-up chart for him. Stuff that, to her, was just normal, but that I couldn't get her to see how & why some other people might not think that.

So anyway, we go out west for the holidays...and during the 2 weeks that we were there, it all became perfectly clear....

The first thing I notice upon entering her parents house is a pamphlet sitting on the dining-room table. It was the monthly newsletter of an organization called the A.R.E.; or the Association for Research & Enlightenment. Alarm bells immediately went off in my head, because this was something that I was quite familiar with.

The A.R.E. is an organization based around the works of Edgar Cayce; a nearly-forgotten, early 20th-century 'psychic' con-man, who claimed to be able to tap into the spirit world & find information to cure almost any ailment. Cayce would, allegedly, fall into a deep trance & dictate litanies of folk-remedies to desperate souls who wrote him with descriptions of their illnesses. He also claimed that the U.S. would discover a 'death ray' weapon from the lost Continent of Atlantis in 1958, and that, of course, the universe was teeming with aliens, who were all watching our every move & guiding the human race toward enlightenment.

Apparently, her parents (in their 70's now) have been enthusiasts (if not exactly followers) of Cayce for the better part of a century. They have spent thousands of dollars on A.R.E. themed retreats & seminars, practice questionable homeopathic medicine, and, for all their seeming normalcy (and undeniable intelligence), are really just as batshit-crazy as I feared she was. And there we have our answer.

She was born into it...she's been around it all her life. It's all she's ever known. It's no different than someone who grew up in a christian or muslim home; they're not going to suddenly be converted if you just show them some literature or disprove one of their many theories. Her parents aren't gonna change, which pretty much means that she's not gonna change, either.

And when you think about it & look at the facts, it sort of makes sense. In the 40's & 50's, when her parents were young and Cayce was in the pop-culture eye, the world at large was much less skeptical, and the standards of media, as bad as they are today, were such that frauds & hoaxes often went undetected. We also did not have the science then to disprove many of the things we do today, so, in the cold light of hindsight, I can easily see how two young, idealistic people could get wrapped up in something like that. I don't really understand how they could ignore all the inconsistencies & disregard basically everything that science has learned about the world since then & continue to believe it for 50+ years, but I guess once you get comfortable with something, it's hard to shake it off. And it's probably hard not to pass some of it on to your children, too...

And yes, I know it's not my place to change anyone, or to try and tear down anyone's beliefs...although if I had somehow made it into adulthood still believing in Santa or the easter bunny, I'd desperately want someone to tell me. But that's the difference in us...she doesn't want to hear it. When I try and explain to her why the pyramids in Egypt are just big tombs & not secret energy portals that the aliens put here, it's like I can see the 2 sides of her brain warring; she hears me...somewhere inside she knows I'm right & she admits as much, but she just can't imagine having to face a reality without all this stuff in it, so she refuses to. There's literally nothing I can do.

And I can't talk to her anymore, not about anything meaningful...how can I take anything she says seriously? How can I trust one single decision that she makes? What the hell do I do? I know we can't work out together, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way (after all, who would want to be with someone who is constantly belittling that which you hold dear), but part of me is worried that, if I let her go, I'll come across her chanting & selling flowers at the bus station a year from now.

And yes, I may be exaggerating a bit, and yes, I know that's not really my problem....as my grandpa once said "you can't save everybody, son...just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!" But it's pretty clear to me that, at least in some way, she needs saving; she has to learn how to function in the real world or she's gonna be screwed; 'cus her parents aren't gonna be around too much longer, and she's got nobody else to stop her from dinking the kool-aid.

And how in the hell did I, of all people, wind up here?*

*=yeah, I know...it's rhetorical

The Shaming of the True

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 02:27:55 -0500

Yeah, well....it ain't goin' so hot.

And I'm not sure if there's even anybody out there listening who cares anymore, but, as always, I'm writing this for myself as much as anything. It's been creeping into my mind for a long while now, and it's time I faced it...somehow.

At first, it was great. Well....let me qualify that; as first it was new, and in the wild world of romance, anything new is often great, at first. But, we've been together for almost a year & a half now; it's no longer new, and the greatness is gone, too. Don't get me wrong, we don't fight all the time, we still have sex, we do love each other..of that I'm sure....we're just very different, as I've said before. "Well, different how?", you might ask...

In short, she's fucking nuts.

Now let me qualify that. She's not exactly Veronica-crazy; she was crazy in a scary, boil-your-bunny kind of way. No, Annette (still no color, as she's asleep about 10 feet away from me as I write this) is crazy mainly because she was born into it, like some people are born into money or slavery. Let me attempt to explain....

Irony
i·ro·ny1 : [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies.
D: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

Many of you have seen me use this word before; sometimes correctly, sometimes not. Often things are thought of as being ironic when they're really more darkly humorous than anything. Let me just assure you then, dear reader, that there could possibly be nothing more ironic than me: the most skeptical, non-religious, rational thinker I know, ending up with someone who's beliefs make Shirley MacClaine's seem mainstream.

I knew that, from the beginning, she had some personality quirks that were, let's say, wacky. She mentioned consulting her horoscope a few times early on, and said something about karma & past lives on occasion, but this, for whatever reason, didn't raise a huge red flag with me. Ok, let me take that back...even the slight mention of those kinds of things always raise a red flag with me, but in this case, I chose to ignore it. Why? I'll get to that.

You see, for those of you who don't know me (i.e. everyone), I've had something of a long & sordid history with religion. After being born southern Baptist, then raised & educated Catholic, I had the normal crisis of faith in my late teens that I assume most people go through. I spent years & years voraciously reading anything I could on the subject of faith, from both sides of the coin, and after several years of soul-searching, finally came to two happy conclusions. One, that I am agnostic, and two, that I am simply not one of those people who is driven to seek answers to the all-encompassing why-are-we-here type questions...I simply don't care. Or, to be more precise, I don't not care as much as I just think that it seems to have little bearing on how we go through this life...if there's something out there that we can only experience after we die, I'll find out about it then. If there is something out there beyond this world we see every day, then it's pretty obviously something that we're not supposed to concern ourselves too much with, lest we miss out on all the wonderful things we have to do in this world.

My feelings on this matter were also greatly affected by something that happened when I was 21 years old, when one of my best friends, whom you've heard me mention, fell into a religious cult. It wasn't the Moonies or Krishnas, and he didn't shave his head & sell pencils at the airport...it was a much more insidious, christian-based cult. He was, and still is, one of the brightest, most reasonable, well-educated people I have ever met, and it fascinated me to no end as to how this could happen to him...and yet it did. After a couple of years, he managed to come to his senses & see it for what it really was, but not before it had almost ruined his life in many ways. Over the next few years, the two of us became self-styled experts on fringe religions, mind-control cults, and the psychology of those who join them. For three years, we labored on a documentary exposing the true face behind this organization he had belonged to, only to see the cult itself crumble from within after one of it's leaders was implicated in a scandal.

During our research for the documentary, I had the chance to interview dozens of people who had gone through similar experiences. Some of their stories were truly heartbreaking, and I was shocked at how reasonable & intelligent many of them seemed, further reinforcing my theory that it doesn't matter how smart you are...some people just need to believe in something. I met wives who had lost husbands to cults, mothers that had lost their children, fathers who had been spit & cursed at by their sons. Most of these people eventually found their way out of whatever group they were in, but rarely before significant damage had been done, both to their lives & those of their families. At one point, I actually considered the possibility that this was my true calling; that I was supposed to use my talent for filmmaking not to be the next John Carpenter, but to help these people...to get their stories out, so nobody else would have to go through what they went through.

Then, as so many things do, the project fell through. After the scandal involving this group, there was no longer any cult for us to combat, and soon, my interests turned to other things, and my days as an amateur expositor/exit counselor were over. I never lost interest in the subject completely & I try to stay well-read on the subject...it just ceased to be an actual part of my life...until.

Until Annette.

So, anyway, we had met & fallen madly in infatuation with each other before I started to hear her talk about any of these things. One night, I remember she mentioned something about past-lives & I decided to ask her about it; she claimed that her parents had always believed in such things, and had just raised her that way. She tried to make it sound like she didn't really believe any of it; that it was just lip-service, no different than millions of people who profess to be christians but have never cracked open a bible or set foot inside a church in years. Besides, this was me we're talking about here, remember? Even if she did have some wacky beliefs, I was sure that it was simply because she didn't know any better. I don't mean that to sound condescending; the fact is that the vast majority of people in the world have very little critical thinking ability....that is, people tend to believe whatever they're taught or read with little questioning. Hell, I was a christian until I sat down & thought about it for a while...as were many people I knew. I figured that whatever wackiness she had been exposed to, I was the perfect antidote to come in & show her the light. Hell, I'll just explain it to her...that most psychics & astrologers are just con-men preying on the gullible; that much of this NewAge spirituality is just warmed-over eastern philosophy with a pop-culture spin & some warm & fuzzy maxims tossed in for good measure. It all makes sense once you just see it for what it is...wishful thinking, and I felt confident that any reasonable person would see as much, if given the chance to actually examine it. I'll have her cured inside of six weeks...no problemo! Right?

Yeah, well...

So that's how it began; with me trying to look past the kookiness & thinking that all she needed was to be exposed to some good old-fashioned common sense. I had all the books picked out for her to read on the subject (and encouraged her to go do research on her own, as well). I introduced her to my friend, who told her his horrifying story of life in a cult. I made sure we watched a lot of Discovery Channel because she seemed to be woefully uneducated on matters of science & history (among many other matters, that I would soon discover). In fact, after our first few conversations on the subject, I didn't hear a single esoteric peep out of her for a good couple of months, so I had basically thought that things were just working themselves out.

You see, I already had learned & accepted that she was a bit of a late bloomer, as it were. She had led an extremely sheltered life, had grown up with a protective stage mom, and was generally never encouraged to actually learn anything, other than how to sing & dance & look pretty (all of which she does amazingly well). She wasn't stupid at all, on some things she had remarkable insight, she was simply ignorant on many subjects. Her parents had failed her in that respect (which she would admit). The education system had failed her also, as I would later learn, because her mom was the school's music teacher at a small-town school, and all the other teachers took her mom's lead in not worrying about whether she knew anything except whatever would help her on stage. She graduated high school & went to cosmotology school...not exactly a paradigm of higher learning, but it's more formal education than I had, so that's no excuse. Anyway...all these were things that I naievely assumed would be cured by the simple fact of my presence. All she needed was a good example, right?

And you must also be asking yourself about now, if you know anything about me, why I was ever attracted to a girl who was not on the same intellectual level as me, as it were? For this, I have 3 answers...you decide the order of their importance.

1. She is a genuinely kind, loyal, and loving person, without a mean bone in her body.

2. She is very talented & we both shared a common interest in the same industry

3. Upon meeting her for the first time, my mom took me aside & whispered to me "Oh my lord, X, she looks just like Kara!"

...and I hear her waking up. More to come tomorrow....stay tuned

Roll With the Changes

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 06:56:53 -0500

Wow...

I haven't written in the better part of a year, and this blog is still getting around 10,000 hits per month. Is it really that interesting? it's just my life....

Anyways, hi. It's me.

I know what you're thinking, "well, Lois ran off with Lex & he's back to assign her a new color and whine & blog about it for the next seventy-two years". Nope....not quite. I'm not married yet, but she's certainly still here. About 10 feet away, sound asleep, in fact. And why I'm in here wrtiting, I'm not sure....

Life has been pretty good for the past year...sometimes great, even. Many, many things have happened, as I'm sure they have to most of you, too (if anyone's still out there actually reading this, that is, and wasn't just drawn in accidentally by google thinking I'm a porn site). Life has changed...which tends to happen when there is another person added to the equation, and for those of you who know me, you'll know that change has never been my strong suit. But I've ran with it....and for the most part, it's been ok. Some of the change, I needed...some I never expected, but have accepted. I guess maybe I just wanted to see how it felt to come back here & talk about some of it...even though i'm not sure how much of that I'll actually end up doing....you know me.

But, on the off chance that any of my old readers are still out there, I'll at least make this worthwhile for all of us & throw a few bones out to summarize the past year. Let me see....(and let me try to remember my code names without looking, too)

1. Got a new roommate...as you may have surmised.

2. I finished my movie & premiered it on the big screen. it went pretty damn well...but we still haven't sold it & I haven't made a dime off it yet.

3. Spider-Man 3: very disappointed. Lazy work all around.

4. I went to Disneyworld.

5. Elaine & I have been in a fight & haven't spoken in over a month because I was 2 hours late feeding her cat while she was on vacation. Yet she's become good friends with my significant other...(no, no fake name yet...I need the right one)

6. Okay, fine...her name will be Annette(but she doesn't get a color...you know the rules). Anyway, we're very very different, and having to work through a lot of things, but I think if I wanted to, I could really make this work out in the long run.

7. Pete ran into Kara about 3 months ago. She now has 3 kids, lives about 2 blocks from him, is married to the same redneck asshole, and apparently smiled & said "Oh, that's nice" when informed of what was happening in my life. Fine.

8. I haven't seen Roxanne since the day I last blogged about her.

9. However, in the last couple of months, she has started writing me almost daily, and has basically told me that, if the two of us ever found ourselves single again, that perhaps we should give it one more try....yes, you read that right.

10. Other than wanting to pelt her with bean bags for not saying any of this stuff for the last 5 years or so, I'm not altogether sure how I feel about that. Very confused.

So fine, I'm no Letterman but there's your top 10. I think maybe I just needed to write something down...

Is anybody still out there? Beuhler? Beuhler?

Happy Endings?

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 05:08:07 -0600

I know, I left everybody hangin'...I feel bad, trust me. I haven't forgotten all you guys, and I've really wanted to take time to tell everybody how great things have been going, but every time I start to take the time out to write, I decide I'd rather be out there living it than writing about it....right now, anyway.

Suffice it to say that I'm very happy...more than I've been in a long, long time. And for once, instead of dwelling on the past, I'm all about the future...it looks pretty bright. I'm sure I'll be back at some point, but I just had to say thanks to everyone for giving a damn & for letting me exorcise my demons here; it helped more than I can tell you. A lot more.

I never thought I would say this, but with any luck at all, there will be no more ex-girlfriends. I think I might have finally run out of colors....

I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Gotta run; someone's calling me.....love you guys!

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 12:45:44 -0600

Better Days

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 02:56:51 -0500

Just got back. I made a freakin' movie. And I met a girl. And life is pretty awesome. But I'm tired...and I got a lot to catch up on. More later...

Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:12:16 -0500

Well, since I'm leaving for the shoot today, I had planned on just making a quick 'goodbye, wish me luck' post....and then I woke up this morning, went to my 8:00 meeting at a local coffee shop....and found myself standing in line behind Roxanne & the girl/boyfriend. Ya, I know; that's what I said, too...

I mean, even for me, those are crazy 1-in-a-million odds. I'm leaving town in like 8 hours, and it's as if fate itself woke up drunk this morning & said "Oh yeah, here...ya forgot THIS!". First time I had spoken to her in 3 months...and it was short & awkward as always, with the feel of the boy/girlfriend's eyes boring through the back of my skull the whole time. We talked about her mom, whom I heard had been ill recently, and then I told her that I was leaving today to go do the movie. She smiled politely & just said 'that's great; good luck'. Then I went to my table (where the guys I was meeting with had already been ogling her all morning before I got there), and she went to hers. She didn't say goodbye to me when she left a little while later.

Even as awkward & quiet as our interactions always are nowadays, she seemed even more reserved than usual this time, and I can't help but think it has something to do with the rift between her brother & I. Who knows.

And she looked just...gorgeous. At eight-o-fucking-clock in the morning, she could have stopped traffic a mile away. I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen her look so good, and that's saying something.

So, here I stand, having spent the past year trying to work past all this stuff, about to embark upon the biggest adventure of my life, proud of myself & excited for the first time ingod knows how long, looking forward to the future & enjoying the present....and then, out of the blue, there she is.

And I don't care.

Stop clapping; it's not what you think...I mean, I care. I still love her & I always will; but my life doesn't revolve around that fact anymore. For once, I'm out here doing something for me, and not her. I have a life to live, and she apparently has hers; I saw a glimpse of it this morning. And yes, I'm here writing about it now & thinking about it here now...but this is where I'm going to leave it, here on the page. it's not coming with me this time. I got stuff to do. And I don't even have any more time to waste writing about it.

See you guys in a month, and wish me luck. I gotta hit the road...

What a Long, Strange, Trip it's Been...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 02 Aug 2006 03:09:59 -0500

Hi. Miss me? Don't answer that....

Anyway, the answer is no; I haven't left the country, or been in prison, or died, or found a girlfriend, or anything exciting like that. Yes, I did say a while back that I was getting a little weary of dwelling on the past all the time, and I guess I still am, but that's not really what's been keeping me away, either. No....the real answer is that I've been trying to be...brace yourselves...responsible.

Over the last month or so, pre-production on the movie I'm directing has shifted into high gear (or if there is a gear higher than high, then it's shifted into that one). I've been working on it literally around-the-clock, mostly out of town, or out of the house at the very least, and I've had precious little time to think, much less blog. I've even had to relinquish my actual paying writing gigs; I simply haven't had the time to get them done. And, although I've truly missed hearing from all of you on all the various misadventures that have been my life, I knew that the amount of time that I used to afford this blog (which was considerable for one as lazy as me) was simply better spent concentrating on what is undoubtebly the biggest opportunity I've ever had in my life.

I still have a hard time believing that this thing is actually happening; I've really only just wrapped my head around that fact in the last several weeks. But it is happening...in a big way...and it's all up me now to make it happen right. Well, not all up to me; there are other people involved (thank god), but I have more responsibility on my shoulders now than I've ever had...people literally have their entire fortunes riding on me right now, and it's getting pretty heavy. In fact, as I sit here pouring all this out, I find myself surprised that I haven't been blogging about it; this is pretty therapudic...I guess I've just forgotten how much. We start shooting in just 4 short weeks, and the pressure is really starting to become overwhelming. I just hope I can pull it off...

For basically all of June & July, I had nightly panic attacks (not literally, but close) about the script; it just wasn't as good as I knew we needed to make it, and it took almost 2 months of hardcore wrangling & wrestling with the writer to get it into a shape that I felt comfortable with. It's still not 100% there, in my opinion, but it's what we've got, and I'll have to make it the best I can with what I have to work with. I always imagined my first big picture would be one that I'd written myself, and could have more control over, but I'm not sure I would have been any less nervous about it had that been the case. Then, a few weeks ago, we started having some huge personality clashes between some important members of our crew, and both the producer & I lost many nights of sleep wondering how to handle the situation; who to fire, who to keep, what to do in general...and truthfully, I'm not completely satisfied with some of the folks we've decided to go with, but there's nothing I can do about it now but to hope that everyone is able to play nice together & that the film isn't brought down by too much behind-the-scenes drama. I'm doing a lot of hoping lately...which I guess some would consider a step in the right direction for me, whatever the reason.

And to top it all off, I've actually had to get...horror of horrors...a cell phone (god, just typing it makes me cringe). It was totally forced upon me by my producing partner, and I told him that I knew it was expensive, and I knew it was important that I had one, and that I appreciated it very much...and that I would really, really try with all my heart not to throw this one out the car window at 75 MPH...really. So far, so good. It helps that I was able to set Tubular Bells as my ringtone...

So, that's why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. And I can't honestly say how often I'll be able to be back until it's all over & done with...sometime around the first of October. At which time, I'll either be the happiest guy on the block, or wind up drinking my sorrows away in the nearest alley...and we all know how well I handle alcohol. I've tossed around the idea of making a blog to chronicle the making of the movie, but 1. I'm not sure I'd ever have the time to write in it, and 2. that would require me to reveal my secret identity...but I'm not so sure that's such a big deal to me anymore. Reason being, all the stuff & all the people in my past that I've been hiding from simply doesn't bother me all that much nowadays. Maybe that's just because I haven't had a spare moment to worry about such things, but whatever the reason, it's felt pretty good.

I haven't spoken to or heard from Roxanne (boy, it has been a while since I've blogged; I almost typed her real name) in over 2 months now, and honestly, I really haven't thought much about it, either. I have no idea what she's up to, or who she's up to it with...although I doubt anything has changed in that department. For the record, her brother Jerry & I haven't talked since our little falling out, either...and I'm almost ashamed to say that my life has been much less stressful, at least on that front, ever since. Sometimes you just gotta let things go (yes, that was me that you just heard say that). In a lot of ways, this project accomplished more than I ever thought it would.

My mom finally bought herself a little house down the road, and my long-lost little sister is now back in my life proper, and doing very well. In fact, she's freakin' amazing; she's the smartest, prettiest, most well-adjusted kid you could ever meet, especially considering all that she's been through, which is considerable. We hit it off right away, and it was like we'd never been apart for five minutes. her mom is still stable, and although they're still having a lot of financial troubles, I've been helping them all I can, and my other sister has, as well. I'm thrilled that I have a little sister again, and the only bad thing about it is that now I realize just what a wonderful person's life that I missed out on all those years that she was gone. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to make up for it.

Alan & his wife had the baby a few weeks ago, and she was healthy as a horse & the cutest little thing you ever saw. Alan & I didn't get the name we wanted for her (his wife vetoed it for some ridiculous reasons that we'll never understand), but we at least got the same initials, which is what we planned to refer to her by anyway, so that's all good.

Lanie is still...Lanie, but she's doing well, and is finally over her ex-boyfriend, after months of pining & whining that made even me weary. To give herself something to focus on, she's now dedicating herself to the imminately attainable task of saving the life of every single goddamn stray cat on the planet, so if you see one hanging around outside your house that looks hungry, call her...she'll drive right over. And then she'll probably bring it over here. And make me sneeze. Again.

The rest of the idiot friends are all pretty much ok, too. Pete hasn't left his house in about 3 months, ever since he got World of Warcraft for a birthday present from our other friend Barry, who hasn't left his house in about six months.. Ted is going to be doing some of the music for the movie, as he's a phenomenal blues guitarist, so we've been working closely on that. My younger brother wrapped his beautiful '83 Skylark around a telephone pole while driving home drunk one night, so things are par for the course with him, too. All in all, it's pretty much the same ol' song....I just haven't had as much time to listen to it anymore.

And, of course, there was Superman. What can I say that hasn't been said already. I'm getting all vechlempt just thinking about it...

And to all my friends out there in blogland; I miss you all & I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep up with any of you or your written lives like I'd like to. Frankie, Jamy, Brooklyn, Chica, Manda, Pro-Divorce, Bibliotecha, Paige, Charlotte, Vegas, Painkey, Pookalu, Mazer....and everybody else; I love you all & hope you've been doing fantastic...really & truly. Don't think I haven't thought about ya', 'cus I have, and I do so often. And, actually, I have kept up with most of you the best I can, even if you haven't known it.

But, for now at least, I have to leave you all with a certain amount of uncertainly (that would be a great album title...if people still made albums); I'll be around, but I'll also be pretty distracted for the next month or two. I leave town for good in a couple of weeks, and I'll be gone through the rest of August & all of September. I do most definitely plan to continue blogging when I get back, and maybe even while I'm gone if I have the chance, but I can't really say how prolific I'll be while I'm so focused on other things. If I screw this film up, I'll be...well, screwed, so for now, I'm going to have to concentrate on the task at hand.

So, that brings us to here...the uncertain future of the Ex-Boyfriend. I'm honestly more nervous than I've ever been in my life...or at least since the night I woke up and found that note from Kara on my roommate's bathroom mirror. And this time, I can't just try to fix it all by running away to the mountains. I'm about to have one of my dreams finally come true, but in the dream, it was always easy...this has been harder so far than I ever would have imagined. But I'll pull it off...somehow. I think. I hope. And when it's all over & done, the drinks are on me...even if I just have a soda.

Anyway, I gotta quit rambling & get to bed at a decent hour (still not used to that yet), but I guess I just wanted to drop in & say hi....and to tell everyone thanks for sticking around. I'll try not to be gone too long, but who knows what will happen. Oh, and for anyone dying of suspense because I never finished the J.C. story, I'll just spoil it for ya': we broke up. Now pick your jaws up off the floor & move on...I'm trying to.

Love ya'...be back soon!
-X

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 11:35:31 -0500

Ya' Know...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 05:08:47 -0500

I wanna write somethin'...I swear I do. So...here's somethin'. More later...

Ugh

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 15:29:09 -0500

Well, I meant to write before now, but I caught a gnarly stomach bug this weekend & didn't feel like doin' much o' nothin'...so there.

Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.

We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.

Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.

But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.

Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...

Sick of Bein' Sick...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 04:27:00 -0500

I think there's something seriously wrong with me...

Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'; that's what we've been reading about all this time, right? Maybe so. All I know is that a couple of conversations I had last night just got me to thinking about my life, and just how much I've actually progressed in trying to get out from under the shadow of my past, and I wasn't too thrilled with what I saw. I should be better. I should feel better.

Not that I really feel bad, or sad, or depressed or anything....I'm just not sure I feel too much of anything lately...at least not like I should. Oh sure, I was pissed that X-Men sucked, and I'm excited about Superman, but those things don't count. But why is it I can get excited about someone else's movie, and not my own? I'm working on what is, for all intents & purposes, the project I've dreamed about since I was 10 years old...my own actual movie...and I'm treating it like it's just another job. In other words, I'm putting as little effort into it as possible, and even after all this time, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's actually happening. And I sure don't want to feel this apathetic when I'm standing there on the set in a few months....I know I'll look back on it years from now & I'll never forgive myself. Now there's something I'm good at...never forgiving myself.

Ok, fine...I've had some rough things happen in my life in the past year...but I've had plenty of good things, too. And it's not like I sit and dwell on the bad ones...I just don't spend enough time thinking about the good ones. And I'm afraid I'm just used to doing that not; that it's become second nature. And I don't like that.

I started this blog almost a year ago now, ostensibly to try and figure out why all my relationships keep going to hell, and why I keep letting them...and letting it cast a shadow over the rest of my life. I've spent the last 20 years of my life living in the past, pining for the ones that got away, and overlooking those in my present because of it, somehow always trying to lay the blame for it all at Kara's feet, or Veronica's, or even Andi's. But I know I can't blame all my problems on my failed relationships anymore. Truth be told, I feel like I've dealt with a lot of those demons now, through this project. I spent almost a dozen years wondering every day about what might have happened between me & Kara, but since I finished writing her story a couple of months back, she's barely crossed my mind at all. When I say barely crossed, that means I might only think about her once or twice a week, but still, it's been a big step. I know something good has come out of writing all this.

But it hasn't solved everything. I still carry enough guilt with me to weigh down an army. Guilt about all the years I spent with Veronica, just wasting time in both of our lives & keeping us both from finding someone we might truly have been happy with; knowing the whole time that I shouldn't be where I was, but sticking around anyway. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and it was her choice to be there, too....but I should have done the right thing long, long before I did. I feel like I literally stole part of her life away from her, and cost her the chance to have what she really wanted; a family, and the life that goes with it. She hung around as long as I would let her, and I let her because it was comforting to have her around, even knowing that she'd be better off elsewhere, and that if I cared enough, I'd see that she got there. But I didn't. Funny thing about it is, she's with someone else now, and hopefully happy finally. I'm here alone at 3 in the morning talking to you guys....

And that's only part of the guilt. I haven't even mentioned Roxanne yet....

But that's my own fault, too. This whole self-imposed relationship exile I've been on for 2 years now is a prison of my own devising. I know I don't have to be alone here, I just....am. I'm sure there is someone out there who would be here with me right now to take my mind off of it, if I would just let it happen. But, I can't seem to get excited or motivated about that part of my life again, either. Maybe it's just that the right person hasn't come along yet, but who's to say I'd know it if they did? Or if I'd react any differently? I sure as hell didn't when the right person came along before...

Speaking of whom, since all the drama a couple of months ago, my entire comminication with Roxanne since then has consisted of this e-mail exchange from few weeks ago.

ME: Hi...

HER: hi to you

ME: How ya' doin?

HER: crazy busy, but very well. you?

ME: I'm gettin' by. Just wondering how you were.

HER: i wish for you to do much more than just get by

ME: I wish for a lot of things....

Profound, I know.

When I told Lanie about that exchange, after she stopped slapping me, she asked me just how much longer I plan to keep putting myself through this...and I wished I had an answer for her. But I was too busy being slapped. I'm wondering now, though, if the real answer might be 'when I don't feel guilty about it anymore'. When I no longer stay awake at night knowing that I took her away from a promising career & a great life she had built for herself, only to bring her back down here & break her heart the first time I get a little freaked out. And then somehow convince her that I saw the error of my ways, only to do the same damn thing again almost immidiately. And no, I'm sure I didn't exactly make her switch teams, as it were, but I know damn well that it played some sort of factor; I know I said some things to her in the heat of the moment that would surely make me insecure with the opposite sex from then on if I were in her shoes. Things that weren't true. Things that I still feel guily about...

And yes, I know that other people's lives are their own, and I'm not responsible for them...but it's hard knowing that I made someoneI care so much about feel so bad. Again, and again...more guilt. But maybe that's not the answer; I mean, even if the guilt all magically dried up tomorrow, I'd still feel the same way about her...

But is that really what's wrong? Maybe. The time frame fits, since I don't think I've really been happy or excited about anything in about five years now. But I'm still not sure it's that simple. After all, when I look back on it, I wasn't feeling all that happy or excited when we were together in the first place. I know it wasn't anything to do with her, but she took the fall for it. So, what was it then? Sure, I had a lot of issues & stuff that I placed the blame on back then, and I know that was a lot of it...but was it all of it? Was I actually right in doing what I did? Could that be possible? Were we not supposed to be together in the first place, and my feelings back then were trying to tell me just that? Possibly...but my feelings aren't the most trustworthy ones in the world, so I wouldn't count on it.

So....hell, I dunno. I just know that I'm tired. And most of the time I can ignore it 'cus I'm so used to feeling that way, but sometimes I get hit in the face with reality, and I realize just how much of a mess I still am....and I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm back at square one here, in a lot of ways, even though I know I'm not really. I mean, I know I'm not crazy (not totally, anyway), I know I'm not depressed (I was depressed once, and I sure don't feel anywhere near that bad anymore), I know I'm not totally incapable of having a relationship if I were to actually keep my head in the present & try, I know that I have a lot of great opportunities ahead of me...but I take them all for granted, like I've always done. And now, I'm about to do something I've always wanted to do...and I'm sure I'll do it well...but I'd just like to be able to have a little bit of fun again.

I'd like to wake up with a smile on my face, and sing Journey songs loudly in the shower. I'd like to drive down the street & not see something that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I'd like to meet someone & not constantly compare her to someone else. I'd like to stop living in the shadow of every bad relationship I've ever had. And, above all, I'd really like to stop freakin' whining about it...

And yet here I still am. And now it's four in the morning....

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 29 May 2006 01:27:26 -0500

I'm workin' on it; I promise....

On the Road Again

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 20 May 2006 17:28:08 -0500

Well, I'm off to Savannah again this weekend to take care of some movie stuff....and hopefully some much-needed beach time. Apparently, we'll be staying at the home of the lady who played the abused daughter in Mommie Dearest, so I'm bringing extra wire hangers. And, since being on the road usually makes me pretty contemplative & introspective, I'm sure I'll have at least something to write about when I get back in a few days.

I've been thinking a lot about the other blog idea I talked about the other day, and I think that I'm gonna continue here for the time being, whether I'm talking about the past or not....sometimes, I just need to talk, period. Thanks for all the comments you guys left in the last week; I've taken many of them to heart, even if I haven't said so. I'm gonna hit the road...hope it doesn't hit back. See ya Tuesday...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Tue, 16 May 2006 11:43:55 -0500

Alright; I stole this from Dating Dummy's blog, but I wanted to do my own research. Just curious what you guys think...
Discuss....

The Ballad of X

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 12 May 2006 13:36:33 -0500

You know, once again, with everything that's been going on the past couple of weeks, I just haven't felt like living in the past here so much. I'm pretty sure that's been a big part of my problem all along. But then again, I get in these moods a lot, and I always fall back into it eventually.

In any case, I just haven't felt like writing about it all lately. I have felt like writing sometimes, but nothing that really belongs here. I've been thinking of starting up another blog, maybe; one that actually deals with the present, and doesn't have to exist solely under the shadow of my failed relationships...'cus I'm pretty tired of living there, myself. Not that I still don't want to finally bring all this up to date at some point, but there's something to be said for my day-to-day thoughts being separated from all this stuff I like to dwell on. Especially when I look at the cold hard facts; I haven't been motivated to even go on a date in 2 years now, but somehow I've managed to write about 500,000 words about women I haven't seen in a decade. You do the math.

It's not that I don't think I've been learning things about myself from doing this; I think it's been very good for me, overall. It just makes me think sometimes; the whole concept of it. I've been defining my entire life by this for so long that it's just become a part of who I am. I'm the guy with the one(s) who got away, and just can't get past it. I'm the guy that the lead character meets in a bar one night, who tells him some sad, poignant story about his past that puts everything into perspective for the hero & finally makes him resolve to go back & get the girl and face down the evil railroad baron & save the day. Sure, it's a good part & everyone who sees the movie remembers the guy...but I want to be the hero again for a change.

Then again, who knows; if there's one thing I have learned about myself, it's that there's no telling how I'm gonna feel when I wake up tomorrow. Like, when I woke up this morning, I still didn't feel like writing...but here I am. Right now, though, I feel like I've got get back to the future for a while...somehow. That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, but I do need to quit dwelling, and I'm feeling more & more like that's what this project is all about. Shocking, I know. Whatever I do, I plan to keep blogging, 'cus no matter what's going on, I'm always gonna want somebody to listen to me whine about stuff....it's one of my basic needs.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I'm thinkin' about it...and I'm open to ideas. Stay tuned...

Double Ow

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 03 May 2006 18:58:13 -0500

Ok, the world is kickin my ass again; as soon as the foot got better, a huge toothache came on & my face feels like I gave Mr. T too much jibber-jabber. I've been out of bed maybe a total of 8 hours in what seems like the past week, and the pain is just great enough to totally cancel out any of the fun the good drugs I'm on might give me. I gotta get a laptop so I can blog this stuff in bed...

Anyway, no new news on lil' sis or much else...life has just been pretty lousy the last few days. I'm goin' back to bed...somebody bring me some soup.

Family Ties

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 16:53:19 -0500

Hurt my foot yesterday....much pain....can't walk....must whine....must...have...pity.

And aside from that, somethin' pretty crazy has happened. No, Roxanne hasn't broken up with her girl/boyfriend, and my immidiate family hasn't gone nuts again. However...well, see, I have this younger sister; we'll call her Sarah. She's about 20 years my junior, and I never even knew she existed until my dad died several years ago. My older sister & I met her back then, when she was about 5. Her mom, my dad's last wife, was a drug-addict & all-around shady person, pretty much like my dad. So, after his funeral, we tried our best to become a part of our lil' sister's life; my older sis (let's call her Mandy) started keeping her on the weekends & letting her get to know my nephews & neices, and I took her out for ice cream & burgers and hung out as much as I could. Sarah was an amazing little kid, and she reminded me a lot of myself when I was that age. Also, she was the last living relative I had that shared my last name; all my brother's & sisters have their mom's last name....she & I were the last ones left.

But that didn't last long. As I said, her mother wasn't the most stable person in the world, and after about a year of us spending every other weekend together, she just...disappeared. Her mom's phone was cut off, her apartment was emptied....she was just gone. Her mom, let's call her Shelly, had no family left that we knew of, and we had no way to get in touch with them if she did. We figured we'd hear from her before too long & find out what happened, but a week turned into a month that turned into a year that turned into a decade. We didn't know what to do, so finally we just let it go and hoped that one day we'd learn what happened & see our little sister again. That was 13 years ago.

So, flash-forward to the present. My friend Alan, as you may know, is a lawyer now, and being a lawyer gives him access to all kinds of nifty government records & the like. So, as soon as he got his degree, and after I'd already had him look up all the ex-girlfriends, I gave him all the information we had on Sarah & her mom and waited to see what he dug up. It took a few months, but finally, he was able to procure an address for us. Her mom was apparently living under her maiden name in a town about 2 hours away...or so it looked. So, I gave my older sister Mandy the info and we both sat down to write them a letter, not knowing if they would respond, or if they were even still at that address. That was about 2 months ago.

And yesterday, we got a letter back in the mail. It was from Sarah.

She is 15 now, and about to turn 16 in July. She had been living with her mom at Shelly's boyfriend's house for the last few years, but he had recently died of cancer, and her mom was also diagnosed with it recently. Shelly, her mom, is dying, and may only have another year or so to live. Sarah said that she was in school, and making good grades, but that things had been really tough at home, and she knew that they were really struggling...at least as much as a 15-year-old can know. She left her phone number for us to call, and she sent us a picture of herself; she got all the looks in the family, apparently, because she's turned out just beautiful (and my older sister is no slouch, believe me). She sounded, against all odds, like a smart, normal kid. We were thrilled, of course, and called her immidiately.

We talked to her for hours, about everything that had happened in her life the past several years. She had a rough upbringing, like we all did, but she's smart as a whip, and she has a great head on her shoulders; she really has turned into as normal a kid as she could, given the circumstances, which were not optimal, to say the least. She loves to read, she loves movies, she liked old music, she wants to try writing someday...she's most definitely my sister. But, she's in a bad place...

Her mom is dying, and hasn't been working for months. And, during our conversation, Mandy & I couldn't help notice that she mentioned food over and over; she was hungry. She said that they had recently gone to request aid, but with all the recent action with Katrina, they weren't able to get much help. They have a few neighbors who have been helping them out from time to time, but the situation is not good. Shelly has a one sister left alive, apparently, but it sounds like she's pretty screwed up herself, and there's no way she could take care of Sarah if anything were to happen to her mother. And something is going to happen to her mother...sooner or later.

So, the question is, when that does happen, what do we do? My sister already has six kids of her own to raise under her own roof; four of hers, two of her husbands. There's no possible way she could just take on a 15-year-old on top of everything else. My older brother (did you even know I had an older brother?) is about as irresponsible as they come, and neither one of us have heard from him for almost a year now, which is par for the course where he is concerned; there's no way he's parenting material.

So, where does that leave us? With me.

I can't even begin to imagine trying to raise a teenage girl; hell, I'm still screwed up just from dating teenage girls years ago...you guys know that. I don't have the means, the income, the space, or the patience to even consider it...but this is my little sister; what can I do? I mean, nobody has seriously mentioned it yet, but Mandy & I talked about the situation, and, if it were to come down to that, we don't know what else to do. My poor momma can't take care of her, and I'm certainly not going to let my sister go live with some foster family or be placed somewhere. I love that little girl like crazy, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anything else happen to her, so If it absolutely has to be done, then I will do it...but I have no idea how I'll do it.

Sure, she's almost 16, but when I was 16, I was nowhere near ready to go and face the outside world...and I don't know much about rearing teenagers, but I'm guessing that these next couple of years will be pretty damn important, and she's going to need somebody....

And I can't even really grasp the concept yet; it's hard enough to believe that we even found her after all these years, much less all this other stuff. I don't have any idea what will happen, but we're supposed to be going to see her this weekend, so maybe we'll get a better idea of the situation then. When it comes down to it, I'm just glad we found our little sister. I do wish I was rich, though...that'd make things easier.

I'll let you know what happens...back to the past later.

Yawn

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 05:10:18 -0500

Well, so far, this has been a crazy week, too...but thankfully not due to anyone else crawling out of the woodwork; been all wrapped up in work, family drama, Lanie-breaking-up-with-boyfriend drama, hockey playoffs, and riding my sweet new mountain bike & haven't had any time to blog. Be back tonight, tho. Go Sharks!

Double Jeopardy

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 21 Apr 2006 03:34:06 -0500

Alright; that was weird...but strangely ok. And no..she didn't find the blog. Thank god...

She just called to see how I'd been doing; she said she saw an ad for the new Superman on TV & it made her think of me, though I doubt she was picturing me in the suit (then again, she did buy me a sweet Spidey suit once long ago, but that's another story). It was actually sorta nice to talk to her, almost...it had been well over a year. Even though, whenever I talk to her nowadays, I have a hard time seeing how we got together in the first place. But somehow it happened.

She's just the same...but it just occured to me that you guys don't know exactly what that means yet, so I'll save it for later. One thing that bugs me, though...and this bugged me that last time we spoke...if I didn't know any better, and if it was any other person, I'd almost say she was coming on to me. But it's J.C., so you'll just have to take my word for it that she couldn't have been...I don't think.

And another thing that bugs me is that, as soon as we broke up, J.C. all of a sudden started liking things that I had always liked; she suddenly started reading comics & watching hockey in particular; two things she never did before, and never seemed all that open to when she was with me. What's that all about? Where was all that interest when I could have used it? She told me she just got back from vacation, where she got a freakin' Wonder Woman tattoo! I mean, come on! Please!

And no, I know what you're thinking; it's not gonna happen again, tattoo or not...trust me when I say that we are not compatible, not unless she's gone through some drastic personality shifts in the last few years, 'cus lord knows I haven't.

In any case, at least it got it out of the way for a while. And for a huge added bonus, my e-mail to Veronica seemed to work like a charm; shouldn't be hearing from her for a long while, and that does make me rest easier at night. Seriously, though...two in 2 days; what are the odds? And why is it never the ones I want? Okay, lose the 's' after that 'one'....

Back to the past later...

Expect the Unexpected...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 20:44:48 -0500

In a really freaky twist of fate that I still can't really wrap my head around, I am talking to J.C. on the phone right now as I type this....she called out of the blue about 20 minutes ago. Gotta run...

Gimme Shelter...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:54:59 -0500

I swear to god, these things come in waves.

I woke up this morning fully aware that it was Roxanne's birthday & prepared to have to ignore that all day. I didn't wake up at all prepared to receive an e-mail from Veronica, telling me that she just wanted to know if I was "doing ok". Well, I was doing better....

I wrote her back a short, but polite letter that said I was fine and hoped she was, but still didn't feel like we should be talking; I guess we'll see if she leaves it at that. Still, it bothered me just to know that she's thinking about me, as it always does, and I had to try and shake that off all day.

Then, for the kicker, my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother) calls & says that he needs a big favor from me, which turns out to be giving him a ride to the stupid skating rink where they're holding her goddamn birthday party...and where they probably have signs & guards posted to keep me away for a six-block radius. Still, I did it; he would have done it for me. I dropped him off a block away, though. Then I went & got drunk. Alone. And that sucked.

And I got home & sat down here just a little while ago thinking that I felt like doing just about anything but thinking about another ex today, but the more I think about it, I figure that if I'm writing about J.C., at least I won't be thinking about the others for a little while, so what the hell...

(sound of Wayback machine)

The next Monday at work, I remember seeing her as I walked in, but we both had our hands full that day & I remember being really frustrated that I didn't have a chance to talk to her. After work that day, everyone was gathered around the front room, and after they all cleared out, I hung back a few minutes to try and steal a moment with her. We talked a little bit as we walked out & somehow, we started talking about television. She mentioned that she hadn't gotten cable hooked up in her new apartment yet, but that a friend had lent her a stack of movies to watch, and that night she was planning on watching The Stunt Man, which, no bullshit this time, happens to be one of my favorite movies. So, I mentioned that to her, and she asked if I'd like to come over & watch it with her. She was going to do laundry after work, but she told me to come by around 8 or so.

I showed up at her house a few minutes late, because I remember realizing on the way over that I hadn't trimmed my fingernails & they looked pretty ratty that day, so I had to turn around & head back home (which was only a couple of miles away) to take care of them. When I got there, she gave me the little tour of her apartment that we hadn't had time for the other day, and then we sat down to watch the movie. We barely got 10 minutes into it, though, before it was totally drowned out by our talking. We did the whole getting-to-know you thing some more & found that we really had a lot in common. And I remember noticing the way she laughed for the first time; it was this really goofy, yet adorable kind of gasping chuckle, and when I noticed it, it made me aware of how much she was growing on me. I got the sense she was on the same page, as well.

The movie eventually ended & when we finally noticed, she picked out another movie from her stack for us to watch...but I don't remember what it was. Yes I do! It was Romy & Michelle, and for some reason, we actually got sort of caught up in it. While we were watching it, we slowly & gradually both relaxed on the sofa, until she was basically leaning her back against me, and I remember wrestling with whether I should put my arms around her or not, and thinking that was an awful high-schoolish thought to be having at 26 years old. But, by the time I decided to go for it, I looked down & she was fast asleep, with her head resting against me. It was almost 11 by that time, and we both had work in the morning, but I remember sitting there, looking at her for a minute or two, just studying her face & watching her as she breathed. I remember noticing the slightly-odd yet totally cute shape of her nose & how nice her skin was, and I remembered wondering if she was a snorer (turns out she was, big time). After a few minutes, I slowly moved to get up while trying not to wake her, but she popped her eyes open as soon as I stirred.

She giggled & apologized for falling asleep, and gave me a big hug before I left. I drove home that night wondering if I should have kissed her; I was pretty sure I could have pulled it off, but I still hadn't gotten to the bottom of this whole psuedo-boyfriend thing, so I figured I'd just see what happened.

I don't remember what happened at work that day, but the next night, she called me at home. It was a little after seven or so, because I remember I had already eaten, and I was a little surprised to hear from her; I don't think she had called me before. She asked what I was doing & when I told her nothing much, she asked me, in what I remember was the shiest, cutest voice ever, if I'd like to come over for a while. I remember distinctly thinking Jackpot!, but I didn't show my cards yet; instead, I asked her "Well, what do you think your boyfriend would say about that?".

She got quiet for a second, and I could hear her searching for words before she said "Well, I guess we need to talk about that, don't we?".

"Well, I don't know...do we?", I asked.

She sighed. "yeah, we do....just come over & we'll talk about it. I'll explain it all to you, I promise."

So, I did.

When I got there, she had some candles lit, and a really sheepish look on her face. I remember we hugged each other, sat down on the sofa, and she pretty much jumped right into it, so I just sat & listened.

"Well, about this boyfriend thing...", she began.

"You mean the boyfriend you don't know if you have or not?", I said, raising an eyebrow.

She sighed deeply, as that was one of her things to do, before she said "Okay, technically, I don't have a boyfriend..."

"Ok, so what do you have?"

"Well, nothing, really...I mean....well, it's a long story...."

And it kind of was, but it went pretty much as she had explained it before. There was this guy whom she used to date about three years ago, and at the time, she had wanted to get more serious than he did, so they had broken up. Apparently, right before she had moved back to town, he had called her up from where he was living a few states away & tried to re-kindle the relationship. At first, she said, she was excited about it, but after talking to him for a while, she had begun to realize that maybe he wasn't what she was looking for. They hadn't even seen each other yet since they had started talking again, but he was coming through town in a couple of weeks & they were supposed to meet up & talk. She had already decided, however, to tell him that she had reconsidered.

So, I asked her what it was that had made her reconsider, and she got quiet for a minute before she said "Well, I sort of met somebody....or at least I think I did."

You don't say?

"So, then you don't have a boyfriend, after all?", I asked.

"No...no, I don't", she said.

"Well, what about this other person you've met", I asked coyly.

I remember she looked up at me for a second & smiled shyly. But then she kind of freaked out on me...or 'spazzed out', as she would have said. I don't remember exactly what she said, but all of a sudden, she was a little ball of neurosis. She started going on & on about how, yes, we had met & we had obviously been flirting and we obviously liked each other, but that she was nervous about getting into a new relationship and she didn't know what it was that she wanted...and yes, she had been thinking about me a lot lately & wondered if I had been doing the same, but she was apprehensive about getting involved with someone from work, and on & on & on and yadda yadda yadda until I just figured this was the time...

So, I pulled my trusty old move: the ol' dramatic, mid-sentence, grab-by-the-shoulders & plant one firm on the lips kiss. And she went for it. Big time.

We kissed for a moment, and I remember reaching up to brush the hair back from her face as we pulled away & she smiled at me as she blushed, turning bright red. "I've wanted to do that for a long time, now.", I said.

"Me too", she said.

So, we did it again. After a few minutes, we parted again & she looked me right in the eyes.

"Ok, if we're gonna do this, there's some things you should know about me...", she said.

"Well, good, 'cus there's a lot of things I want to know", I told her.

"I'm not the type to just casually date people here & there; I just can't do it. I don't mean I expect us to be exclusive right away, don't freak out or anything; I just mean that if I'm dating you, I'm going to be dating only you...I don't know how you feel about those things, but that's just the way I am.", she said.

Somehow, during the last minute or two, we had ended up holding hands, and I noticed her rubbing my finger with hers. "Good, because If I'm going to date you, I want to date only you...I'm not one of those guys who can go out with a different girl every night of the week, either". At least, not anymore...

She smiled at me. "Well, that's good to hear". I remember we just looked at each other for a long moment. I also remember feeling like something important had just happened, and it kind of freaked me out a little bit, but in a way that I was vaguely familiar with, but couldn't quite place. In any case, it was a nice moment.

She looked down at my hands in hers & I think she was still blushing, which I thought was about the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I tried to break the ice & asked her "So, what do we do now?"

She looked up at me & said "I don't know...."

I scooted a little closer to her & said "We could do that again?", and I kissed her. We made out there on her hard, uncomfortable sofa like a couple of teenagers for what seemed like hours before we were interrupted by her phone ringing. I remember being almost relieved, because I had no idea how far to try & take it....and also think I secretly wanted her to not let me take it too far; I wanted her to be a nice girl, whatever the hell that means.

She talked to who I think was her mom on the phone for a few minutes, and I remember walking around her living room while she did, checking out all her books, pictures & stuff. She had just moved in, so there wasn't very much in the way of decoration, but I remember there were no pictures of any guys that looked like ex-boyfriends anywhere to be seen,and I took that as a good sign.

After she got off the phone, she walked over to me & we kissed again for a minute, a little less passionately & more...I dunno...I want to say tenderly, but that sounds so wussified. In any case, we were both a little nervous about how far to take things, and I'm sure we both knew it. So, we agreed that it was getting late and that it was best we call it a night, I remember her telling me that we'd have plenty of time to pick up where we left off later.

So, I kissed her goodnight, told her that I had a wonderful time, and that I'd see her in the morning. She watched me from the doorway as I walked to my car, and I remember smiling all the way. Until I got in the car, thought about what I'd just said, and realized Holy fuck! I'm gonna see her in the morning! I freakin' WORK with her! This could be bad! And this is ME we're talking about...this could be REAL bad! What did I go & do now?

But that lasted about eleven solid seconds; I was far too excited to let logic bring me down. I cranked up the Queensryche & drove home floating on air, not giving a good goddamn that I had just violated the cardinal rule that my grandpa had told me when I was just a buck: Son, you don't shit where ya' eat....

(sound of Wayback machine reversing)

Ya know...that didn't really help. Happy freakin 'birthday....

Fat Bottomed Girls

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 14 Apr 2006 06:22:18 -0500

I tried to be as casual about it as I could. "So, what are you doing this weekend?", I asked.

"I don't know...nothing much; I need to unpack some..." She had just moved to town again after living about an hour away. "What are you doing?", she asked me.

"Probably not much...I thought about going to see a movie..." I let it hang.

"What are you gonna go see?" She grabbed on.

"I'm not sure...I can't remember what's out..."

"Well, that new Pedro Almodovar film is opening at the (local artsy theatre)...do you like his stuff?" She asked.

"Absolutely!", I said. "You want to go see it?"

Let me take a moment to confess that, I guess I've seen a couple of Pedro Almodovar movies, and I might have enjoyed some parts of them, but basically there are two kinds of movie fans in this world; there are those who like subtitled foreign films & discussing the intellectualism they hallucinate into them, and there are those who would much rather be at the all-nite Friday the 13th marathon at the drafthouse where the audience formulates a drinking game based on the frequency of the shower scenes & decapitations...and this critical factor would, ironically, go on to become the crucible of our relationship...and I guess it's funny that our first date was sort of predicated upon that...and I've never really thought about that before...wow...first big revelation.

But anyway, my point was, I didn't give a shit about Pedro Almodovar...but if it got me in the door, I could deal with it.

So, we agreed that I would pick her up that Friday after work for dinner at the Japanese restaurant (did I mention I freakin' hate Japanese food?) down the street from the movie. And afterwards, if we felt like it, she also suggested a band that she knew of that was playing nearby. Did I also mention I hate bar bands?

In any case, I was pretty excited. Since most of my relationships have tended to just come out of nowhere or just get sort of tossed into my lap, I've really never had too many experiences in the world of dating, proper. I mean like the courtship kind of dating, where you go pick 'em up at the front door, and you make stupid small talk on the way to dinner, and then you have to try and get to know what you can about each other before the cheesecake arrives because you know you'll be sitting in a dark theatre for the next two hours, and you sure won't be able to do anything then but try and read each other's body language & figure out where the hell you should put your hands in relation to hers & the armrest, and then after you've both had a couple of hours two stew about it all, you face that deciding moment where....

....okay, I got a little off-track there....and that's the me of the present talking, because the me of the past was pretty hyped when I pulled up to her house that night.

I had borrowed a shirt from Alan, 'cus I had no idea what her idea of casual was, and I also wasn't 100% sure that this was an actual 'date'-type date. I knew she liked me, but it had all been pretty casual so far. When she opened the door, however, I smelled the perfume, which was pretty much a giveaway (that's a rule we go by, for all you ladies out there: if you're wearing perfume, it's a date). She smiled & invited me in, and I thought she looked pretty damn cute out of her work clothes. I can't remember what exactly she had on, but I know it was cute. Demure, but cute.

We didn't linger in her house long; we hopped into my truck & headed over to my neighborhood, where the theatre & stuff was. I remember I had Peter Gabriel on the stereo; it took me a few minutes before I had left home to decide on some music that wouldn't freak her out. I can't remember a damn thing we talked about on the way over, but I remember purposefully not smoking on the way over, and wondering if she noticed. Did I mention she hated smoking?

All I really remember about the food is that it was lousy, even though it looked kinda neat in those little black compartment-trays. I do remember what we talked about, though, because at some point, I asked her "So why don't you have a boyfriend?". And I sure didn't expect it when she answed with:

"Well...I sort of do."

Time out, I thought.

"You have a boyfriend?" I asked; maybe more accusingly than I realized. She was obviously a little conflicted about whatever it was that she was telling me.

"Well, I do...and I don't. I guess I don't really know if I do.", she said, searching for words.

"You don't know whether you do or not?", I asked.

"Well, I guess I don't. But I might.", she said.

Yes, I was confused, too.

"Ok, J.C., you gotta tell me what the deal is here.", I said...and I wish i knew how I sounded when I said it; I'd be curious.

"Well...there's this guy....(isn't there always)...and we used to date a few years ago in college, and we've sort of been talking lately, and we've been talking about getting back together..."

"But you're not back together with him?" I asked.

"No...I'm not. And I'm not sure I'm going to be...in fact, I'm probably not, but it's just all sort of weird right now..." she said, almost apologetically.

"It sounds like it...". I remember cursing myself for asking for the no-smoking section.

"Look; it's really not that big a deal...we've just been talking, and that's really all it's ever been between us: a lot of talk", she explained. I remember exactly how I felt that moment as I sat there trying to feel her out: I remember thinking that, on paper, it sounded like she was trying to steer me out of date-ville & straight on to the exit that goes directly to just-friends-ville or right out of town. But, everything about her voice & her body language said something different. It was like she telling me this almost grudgingly, and like the more the talked about it, the more she seemed to distance herself from the idea of it. I had the distinct sense that she wanted to see if I gave a flying shit or not; that maybe she didn't even know for sure if I was interested or not. So, I decided to throw her a bone...

"Well, that's a shame.", I said.

"Why's that?", she asked.

"Well, it just is.", I said with little smirk. "You ready to go to the movie?"

"Oh....ok!", she started to fumble for her purse.

"No, it's ok...let me get it.", I said, pulling out my wallet.

"You don't have to do that!", she said, "it's not like we're on a date, or something..." she said, smiling.

I thought for a second about telling her the perfume rule, but I didn't; I just smiled a little. Like I said, on paper it sounds like she was trying to find a loophole, but I got the feeling she was just trying to get me to jump through a couple of hoops to see if I was worthy, which turned out to be right, for better or worse. In any case, I let us split the check, I think...I can't really remember.

Nor do I remember a damn thing about the Almodovar movie, and I can't even recall the name of it now, but it was whichever one he made in 1998 so I guess I could look it up if it meant anything to the story, which it doesn't. I don't remember much about the band we went to see afterwards, either...other than they were just your average bar band. I do remember that she thought she saw one of her old boyfriends there, but lost him in the crowd, and that made me wonder for a minute if I was dealing with a girl who had dated everyone in town, which turned out not to be the case at all, but anyway...

I do remember doing one really stupid thing as we were leaving the club, though; we were walking out & there was this woman wearing a leather miniskirt that was, well, way too small for her frame, and, like a moron, I made some joke about her having a big ass. Yes, yes, I know...never joke about big asses around women in any way; don't even put the two words together. But, I did it, and she shot me a disapproving look & I kicked myself for once again not replacing my stupidity filter.

And I'll be damned...I just now remembered that we went to play Lazer Tag afterwards; there was one of those places downtown near the club, and we just walked in on a whim. And I remember it was fun...we shoulda done that again.

I do remember being a little nervous the rest of the night that I had been an insensitive jerk in her eyes after the ass-joke, but I don't really remember much else of what we did, other than it went pretty well, from where I sat. I mean, we hadn't jumped on each other in the middle of the bar, but we had gotten along really well all night, and there had definitely been sparks. I was wondering what I should do when we got back to her place; whether I should try for the kiss or the invite in, but with the new semi-boyfriend angle she had introduced, I figured I would wait & see what she did instead.

And, for the life of me, I can't remember what in the hell we did when we got back there. I mean, I know we didn't do the nasty...I didn't even kiss her...but I can't remember if I came in, or if I just dropped her off at the door, or what happened. The next clear memory I have is of driving home, listening to KISS at peak volume & feeling pretty good about the whole night. I remember thinking how I should have been totally put off by what she told me, but being amazed by the fact that I wasn't the least bit worried about it. I think I knew, even then, that this was going to turn into something, but I didn't know it would happen quite as fast as it did...

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