The Ex-Girlfriend Project

For Anyone Who Was Wondering...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 9 Jul 2010 23:21:00 -0500

We were married on New year's Eve. Life is beautiful...and so is she.

...all the best.

-X

Ever After?

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 12:13:00 -0500

She didn't go for it. Long story short.

I decided to try and move on...for real. Met a wonderful, amazing girl that I don't have to trick myself into liking. I think I'm in love. I'm pretty damn sure of it, in fact...

Life is wonderful. We have a beautiful house & a dog. We read comic books & watch horror movies together.

Found Kara on the Facebook. A mutual friend added her to his list. We spoke once online. She asked how I'd been. I told her. She never wrote back. I cared a lot less than I thought I would.

Writing all this down over the years helped me more than I ever could have imagined. Hope it's helped somebody else out there, somewhere.

Gonna go try & live life. Wish me luck. Thanks for everything...sincerely.

No time for losers...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 21:37:00 -0500

So what am I gonna do? Well, as always, things are not as simple as they seem...

When I heard the news that Shawna dropped on me, of course I thought right away that this was indeed my big chance...and I guess I just figured that, if this rumor was really true, then all the work might just be done for me...I'd just have to swoop in there at the end & finally get this thing over with once & for all. In any case, I knew that the only thing I could really do was wait a while, anyway.

What I figured would happen was: Roxanne & Shawna would talk before too long, and Shawna would tell her what she'd seen. Roxanne would be skeptical at first, if only because she so hates change & is so terrified of upsetting the balance of her life that she just wouldn't want to hear it, but that after hearing confirmation from Doug & confronting Laura with it, that the truth - if indeed it was true (which it all but certainly was/is), she'd eventually have to deal with it. Now, how she would deal with it is anyones guess, but I think I could influence things there given the opportunity.

I didn't know how soon any of this could happen, though...after all, Roxanne's show ran for the next six weeks straight. That means she'd have about 2 hours total of free time per day, and no matter what was going on, I sure didn't want to see her world turned upside down at such an important time in her life., and nobody else did, either.

Of course, that also meant that Laura was going to have plenty of time over the next month or so to dig her grave even deeper, if that's indeed what she was doing. In fact, it seemed to me that she almost wanted to get caught. After all, why would she have brought Shawna & Doug to her personal hangout where she supposedly conducts her illicit liaisons? I mean, I don't think she's all that bright in the first place, but it just seemed a little funny.

What seemed even stranger was what happened a couple of days after her show opened. 2 nights after I was there for the sneak preview, her whole family, Laura included, had planned to all attend together. Well, apparently at the last minute, Laura decided that she wasn't going to be able to make it because she was going comping instead...and guess who she was going with?

Now, I heard this from Shawna, who heard it from their friend Natasha...and I have no idea if Laura & this girl were the only 2 people going, or if Roxanne knew who was going, or anything. According to her brother, if she was upset about it, she didn't let on at the show (not that she would have, anyway).

But still, I heard nothing.

Next thing I heard was a week or so later...labor day weekend. Jerry had stopped by Roxanne's place to have lunch & came by my house afterward. I still had not told Jerry any of the things that I had learned (I knew that, if something was really going on and, if & when word got to Roxanne, that in no way, shape, or form could I let the news have come from me), so I asked him how the happy lesbians seemed to be doing. He told me that they seemed to be fine, but that Roxanne mentioned that she had a bone to pick with Shawna...because she was allegedly spreading false rumors about Laura having an affair, and Roxanne wanted to set her straight, or something.

I played dumb (something I hated to do with my best friend, but I did anyway), and asked him what was all this about an affair. He told me that Roxanne said it was nothing & he just assumed it was Shawna creating drama again for no reason. But, he found it odd that Shawna would make up some malicious rumor about the SO of her surrogate sister, and odd that Roxanne would even think that Shawna would do that in the first place.

I posited a theory: maybe Roxanne just wanted to talk to Shawna to get the real story, but there in front of Laura, she had to make a show of acting like it was all bogus. Who knows, he said...but if anyone ever cheated on his sister, he was gonna be plenty pissed, and he made that clear. I ached to tell him what had happened in the bar, but I kept my mouth shut still...as I have to this day. I figured it would all come out in the wash.

Finally, the next week, Roxanne called Shawna & asked her if she would meet her for lunch. Shawna said of course, but something was strange...she insisted on meeting at the bar where Laura works. So much for the theory of her wanting to probe Shawna for info.

Shawna agreed to go, of course, but she didn't know what to make of it (and neither did I). She asked me if I thought that maybe Roxanne wanted to ambush her there with Laura around to back her up...or vice/versa. I told her that, yes, it was weird, but that was almost certainly not the case. First of all, that would be manipulative, which Roxanna simply is not. Secondly, I'm sure that, affair or not, the last thing Laura would want is a confrontation where Shawna could spill the beans on her late-night bar disappearance.

I told her that, as far as I can figure it, mostly likely one of two things happened: either Roxanne is so overwhelmed with everything going on in her life right now & so worn out from running herself ragged, that she just wants to make sure that she doesn't have to confront anything right now...she wants to see her friend, but she knows with Laura there, that nothing will come up to rock her boat, and she won't have to deal with it yet.

The second possibility is that, somehow Laura has managed to convince Roxanne that nothing at all shady was going on; that she wasn't having an affair, that Shawna simply misinterpreted what she saw, and that Roxanne has already filed it away & doesn't want to deal with it right now. I hoped it was the former; I worried that it may be the latter...and I still thought that the whole thing was weird, in any case.

And, after they had seen each other, I still don't know, and neither does Shawna...because nothing at all was ever mentioned about it. Roxanne was obviously not upset with Shawna in any way, and they talked like sisters just they way they always do...just not about any of the current events.

So, still not knowing what was going on, I waited. I figured I would give it until her show was over & see what happened. It closed last week. And a couple of days later, so did my window. Maybe...

Roxanne & Jerry went to lunch a day or 2 later, and he - still not knowing what I know - asked Roxanne just what all this affair business was about, anyway.

Well, according to her, it was no big deal. She said that Laura is just a very needy person, and that, with her show going on & everything, Roxanne just didn't have a lot of time to spend with her, so Laura just latched on to this girl for a while...nothing sexual or romantic anything, you understand...she just needs to feel needed & needs her friends close to her. Or some kind of bullshit like that...Jerry didn't really buy it either. So, he pressed her further, and asked her if anything like this has ever happened before.

"Well...", Roxanne said, "there was one thing that happened...about 3 years ago."

Apparently, Laura had what Roxanne described as an "emotional affair" with another girl a few years back. Oh, nothing sexual, you understand...just emotional. It was difficult (and I'm sure that many of our exchanges went on during this time, whenever it was), and they almost didn't make it through it, but eventually she forgave Laura, and they were ok.

Jerry didn't know what to say. He knew that his sister was perhaps the most loving, forgiving person in the world, but he honestly didn't think she would let herself be walked all over like that, and he told her so.

She cut him off quickly, telling him that he couldn't compare this latest incident to the past one, and that everything between them was really going great, and that they were re-doing the living room, and buying a new flat-screen, and yadda yadda yadda....but he didn't really buy it.

And I sure as hell don't...but then again, I can't really trust my instincts when it comes to that, anyway.

So, that's where things stand, as we speak. I don't really know a goddamn thing for sure...other than I'm starting to feel that, no matter what is going on with their life, something, somewhere has got to give.

This thing can't go on much longer. I can't go on like this much longer.

I don't have another 20 years to waste on this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the waiting & the wondering. I'm tired of the dancing back & forth, and the empty talk that gets us nowhere. I'm tired of trying to move on, and knowing that no other girl I'll meet in my life will ever get a fair shake until this is resolved, one way or another.

I've tried to bury it, I've tried to move past it, I've tried everything but one thing....to man up, take a stand, and actually try and do something about it.

And that's what I have to do...I have to just lay it all on the line for her & see once & for all if this is what's really supposed to happen. I have to present my case, and I have to ask her to choose. I've got to shit or get off the pot.

I don't know if it's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life, or the bravest. I'm pretty sure leaving her in the first place was the dumbest thing, so at least I know it's not that. But I still don't know what's going to happen.

I mean, I'm pretty sure she still loves me...and I'm pretty sure that, if it just came right down to what she wants, I'm pretty sure that she'd go for it...but again, things aren't that simple.

Roxanne is a lot of things, and first and foremost, she's loyal. Loyal too a fault. She has a life that she's built with this girl, and she's heavily dependent upon her, financially. Not that she'd have to worry about that with me, but it'd still be a factor. And i know that she loves her. I don't know that she loves her the same way that she loves me (I could always be wrong), but I don't know that she would ever be able to bring herself to hurt Laura like that, even if it's what she really wanted.

And then there's the issue of me, and my track record. By all accounts, she should never have even spoken to me again...much less give me another chance...a third chance. Yes, I know she finally said that maybe we should try it again one day if we found ourselves single...but she's not single. And again, I don't have another 20 years to wait around for that to happen.

So, here I stand, a man with a mission that I've been preparing myself for for years...and I have no idea how to pull it off. Hell, I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing...I just know that I have to do it, for me if nothing else. Because this is it this time. After Annette & everything else, I know that I have to deal with all this somehow...I either have to finally make it part of my life, or I have to find a life apart from it. Somehow.

Now I just need a plan. Any suggestions would be most welcome....'cus as of right now, I don't have a fuckin' clue...

Brilliant Disguise

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sun, 5 Oct 2008 16:51:00 -0500

NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that I need to give a fake name to the boy/girlfriend, however hesitant I am to do so, if only for the fact that it's a bitch to type, and it'll appear frequently from now on. So, henceforth, Roxanne's partner will be known as "Laura".

So anyway, after Shawna told me that, I was speechless...for a moment. Then came the details.

Apparently, Shawna & her husband had gotten VIP tickets to see a concert that had come thru town a few weeks back. They had special box seats, or something, and it turned out that Laura (the boy/girlfriend...remember?) was also going to the show; not with Roxanne, but with her longtime best friend Natasha. Anyway, the two of them apparently got trashed, met up with Shawna & Doug (husband's fake name) and basically crashed their VIP section & made huge asses of themselves.

After the show, Shawna & Doug had had their fill of Laura & Natasha's drunkenness for the night & tried to go their own way, but Laura managed to play on Shawna's inability to disappoint people to drag them across town to her favorite watering hole - a really shitty, redneck dive bar that my little brother used to hang out before he decided it was too redneck even for HIM, which is saying something, trust me.

So they all sit down for drinks at the bar and, after a while, Laura (who was sloshed before they got there) gets all melancholy & starts pouring her heart out to Shawna's husband Doug (a guy who hates getting involved in other people's drama). She begins to tell him that she's worried because Roxanne never seems to want to kiss her anymore. Apparently, they haven't been being...um, 'intimate' lately, and even when Laura comes home from work or from whatever bar she's been hanging out in that night, Roxanne doesn't even like to kiss her goodnight because her breath tastes like beer (if you'll remember, or even if you don't, Roxanne is a recovering alcoholic).

Apparently the correlation there is lost on Laura, though, because she seemed surprised when Shawna said "Well, Laura, if you were a smoker who had quit, would you want your partner to come home every night & try to kiss you with 2 packs of Marlboro's on their breath?" She still didn't get it...hell, she's jus' a good ol' gal who likes to have a couple' drinks & party a lil' bit; ain't nothin' wrong with that, right?

Sometime around then, some girl named Mandy walks in. According to Shawna, this girl runs over to Laura, who squeals with delight, grabs her & they spin around, embracing & giggling like schoolgirls. Laura is a friendly person, so this doesn't raise any eyes at first, but after introducing this girl to Shawn & Doug, something started to seem funny. Laura said something like "Mandy, this is Shawna & Doug; they're good friends of mine AND good friends with Roxanne!". Hmmm...

Anyway, the talk about Roxanne stopped the minute that this Mandy girl entered the bar, and she & Laura were soon lost in their own little conversation, leaving Shawna & Dave completely out of their element, until Natasha came back over & sat next to them. Natasha was three sheets to the wind herself (she's apparently an even worse alcoholic than Laura, which is no mean feat), and made some snide remark under her breath about Mandy being there. Shawna didn't really catch it, but just about then, Laura's phone beeped. It was a text message from Roxanne, asking when she would be home.

Laura texted her back, letting her know where she was. Shawna said that Laura started saying how she had forgotten to let Roxanne know they were going out afterwards, and in her drunken stupor, she was feeling bad about it & started typing out a long message to Roxanne about how much she loved her & how she'd be home soon. Now...upon seeing Laura sending her love to Roxanne via cell phone, apparently this Mandy girl suddenly got all huffy & puffy...out of the blue & for no apparent reason. She made a little scene of some sort, basically acting like a jealous girlfriend, and then abruptly got up, declared that she was 'not sticking around for this shit' & stormed out of the bar, startling the whole table. Laura stood up & started calling after Mandy. Shawna & Doug looked at each other, puzzled, and started to say something. Laura, however, cut them off by saying "Hold on, I have to catch her! I have...um...my cigarettes are in her car!" before running out the door to follow her.

Shawna looked over at Natasha, bewildered.

"What was that about?", she asked her.

Natasha tried to dodge the question with some lame answer like "Who knows, they're drunk.", but Something was definitely fishy here...Ray Charles could see that. It became even clearer when, after another 15 minutes, Laura still hadn't returned. Finally, Shawna turned to Natasha & asked her point blank just what the fuck was going on.

Who knows if it was good or bad that Natasha was as drunk as she was at that moment, but in any case, she hesitated for a moment & then said to Shawna "Well...Laura's cheating on Roxanne. With that girl."

Shawna & Dave were shocked. They asked how long it had been going on. Natasha said that she wasn't sure, but she didn't think it had been very long or had gotten very serious. She said they had been spotted making out behind the bar several times, but Laura hadn't told her any details & that was all she really knew...or could think of, in her current state. She said that she hated to rat on her best friend, but that Roxanne was such a sweet person & she felt so bad about it that she just couldn't hold it in any longer.

So, they talked about it some more & waited a while for Laura to come back. She never did. She totally ditched Shawna & Doug after dragging them across town with her. They left & went home. Shawna said she debating calling me & telling me what had happened right then, but that Doug talked her out of it, knowing they should have all the facts first, which he was right about.

So, the next day, Shawna is pissed. She contemplates calling Roxanne (whom she refers to as her surrogate sister), but after debating it for a while, she decides to call Laura first, to give her a chance to explain herself. So, she calls her up & Laura immediately launches into a vehement apology for the night before & denies everything even before Shawna has a chance to accuse her of anything. She said that Mandy was upset about something else & she just went to try and comfort her & lost track of time. She tells her that it's not true that she's having an affair, it's just some horrible rumor that people have been spreading for...well, for no real reason apparently. She begs & begs Shawna not to tell Roxanne; that it's nothing that she needs to worry about & it would just upset her to hear such ugly, horrible lies.

Shawna, however, ain't gonna budge. Rumor or not, she saw some shady shit go down that Laura has no good explanation for. She loves Roxanne, and tells Laura point blank that she will, at the very least, have to tell Roxanne what she saw. So Laura breaks down & begs Shawna to at least let HER be the one to tell Roxanne about it...that way, she can explain to her that it's just a rumor and that she has nothing to worry about, yadda yadda. Shawna isn't buying it, but she tells her she'll think about it for a day or so (she told me this was because she wanted to have a chance to talk to Natasha about it when she was sober, so she could find out the whole truth). With Laura still pleading with her, she hangs up the phone.

So, next she tries to call Natasha, who doesn't answer her phone. Figuring that she's still passed out from the night before, she leaves her a message asking her to call when she wakes up.

After a while, she still hasn't heard from Natasha, so she calls her back. This time, she picks up the phone, but tells Shawna that she'll have to call her back in a minute...that she just woke up & that she's on the other line - with Laura. Finally, after another half-hour or so, Natasha calls back & Shawna asks her again to explain what's really going on. Then the backpedaling began...

Natasha told Shawna that nothing was really going on between Laura & Mandy; that she had been drinking & taking a lot of pills the night before & had made the whole thing up. She said she was sorry for having said such awful things about her best friend, and that none of them were true; she can't even remember what all she said or anything that happened the whole night. Conveniently.

"So, you just made it all up?", Shawna asked.

"Yeah...I must have", Natasha answered.

"Why would you make up something like that about your best friend?"

"I don't know...I was just fucked up, I guess". Mmm-hmm.

She had her story & she was stickin' to it. So, Shawna finally got off the phone. Five minutes later, the phone rang again. It was Laura. Shawna answered the phone & Laura started in again right away, pleading with her not to tell Roxanne & promising that she was going to tell herself when she got home from work. She was crying hysterically, and Shawna asked her why she was so upset it it was all just a rumor. in fact, if that's the case, why was she worried about it at all?

Laura said that she was so upset because she can't believe that someone would spread such a horrible lie about her...she couldn't imagine who would do such a thing, or why. She was mostly worried, though, about Roxanne hearing about it first and being hurt by it...especially right now with her big show about to start in a week or so. This was her first starring role in a big show in several years, and she was very nervous & totally consumed by it, working herself over 90 hours per week between both jobs. Laura didn't want her to have anything like this on her plate to deal with.

Shawna was getting more irritated by the second & finally told Laura that she was still deciding what she was going to do & that she needed time to think about it. She all but hung up on her again, with Doug looking on in disbelief.

Doug was convinced that they should call Roxanne right then & there, but Shawna was upset, overwhelmed, and wanted to calm down before they did anything. Besides, it was a beautiful day & they both had things they needed to do & their own lives to lead, so they left the house for a while to go run some errands & such.

They came back about 3 hours later...and found almost a dozen messages from Laura on their machine. All of them saying the same thing, begging Shawna not to call Roxanne, and assuring her that she was going to tell her herself. Protesting too much. When the phone rang a minute or two later, Shawna had had enough; she told Laura that she was not going to get dragged any further into whatever Laura had gotten herself into, and that she would let her tell Roxanne whatever she wanted first, but that she was going to make sure that Roxanne also knew what had happened that night...whatever it was.

This finally calmed Laura down & she thanked Shawna & got off the phone. Shawna was still torn as to what to do, though. She agreed with one thing Laura had said; that Roxanne didn't need anything like this to deal with at the moment with everything on her plate, but she needed to know...right? She asked Doug's advice, and being the sensible guy that he is, he laid it out rationally.

In his opinion, something was definitely rotten in Denmark. The way Laura & Mandy had acted at the bar, the storming out, the chasing after, the disappearing....all that was fishy enough. Then there's what Natasha said. Sure, Natasha is an alcoholic, and was (at the very least) drunk at the time, but she is also Laura's best friend. They've been close for years, they have no animosity between them, so why would she just make up a story like that about her best friend? Drunk or not, that just doesn't seem right.

Then, there's the way Laura reacted to Shawna. If someone accused you of an indiscretion that you were innocent of, would you break down in tears & panic about it, or would you - knowing you did nothing wrong - be dismissive of it & rest assured that the truth would come out? If she hadn't done anything wrong, why was she burning up Shawna's phone like about it, denying everything like Nixon. Like I said before, me thinkest she doth protest too much...

But, on the flipside...they hadn't actually seen anything happen between the two of them...at least nothing that would hold up in court. And the accusation did come from a conversation with an inebriated alcoholic under the influence of who knows what. And while it's pretty clear that something was going on, Doug didn't feel that they really had enough to go to Roxanne with....at least not right then, with everything she had going on. Shawna agreed with him...the opening of her show was next week & they would see her then, so they decided to just worry about their own problems for a while...

...and so that was the story up to that night, when we were standing outside on the patio of the theater after the show, talking. Shawna & Roxanne hadn't talked except for a text message confirming that they were coming to the show. So there we were, waiting for Roxanne to come out of her dressing room, and my brain is in maximum overdrive, complete with AC/DC soundtrack. And then the side door of the building opened & she walked out and swayed over to where were all stood.

I'll skip the usual paragraph where I'm in awe at seeing her & make up some lame metaphor, 'cus I hate to be predictable. Anyway, she looked beautiful, she had done an amazing job, and we were all incredibly proud of her. We hugged, we all talked for a minute or two, then she had to go back in to go over notes. Then, something crazy happened.

A short, bleached blond girl of about 24 in a striped green shirt walks past Shawna, notices her & says "Oh, hi!". Shawna waves back, speaks an almost inaudible 'hi', and turns to me, wide-eyed.

"That was her!", she says.

"Who was who?", I ask her.

"Mandy! THAT'S the girl Laura's supposedly doin' it with!"

"What? What the hell is she doing here?", I asked. (remember, Laura was not there that night)

"Well, she's apparently friends with Roxanne, too...she hangs out at their house a lot".

"I bet she does..."

So, I saw what she looks like. Suffice it to say, she's no Roxanne.

With me still in a daze, I said my goodbyes to Shawna & Doug & hopped in the car with Elaine to head home. My mind was racing so fast trying to process all this information that I didn't speak for several minutes until Elaine snapped me out of it.

"Well...here it is.", she said.

"Here's what?", I asked her.

"Here's your big chance. Watcha gonna do about it?. Hmm?

Good question...

Suspicious Minds

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 1 Oct 2008 14:50:00 -0500

So, longish story short, somewhere around a year ago, Roxanne wrote me one day with some scary news. Apparently her brother Jerry (who is also like a brother to me), was in a bad way. He had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman so crazy that she made Veronica look stable. She had managed to get them both arrested for pot possession & drunk driving, had blown through what meager funds they had, threatened to kill him & herself, and finally had to be forcibly evicted from their house, clawing & screaming the whole time. Now, he was on the tail-end of a week-long drinking binge & was depressed, out of control, and possibly suicidal. Roxanne & her family were worried sick, as was our good friend Shawna. That night, Roxanne, Shawna & I all talked & tried to figure out what we could do.

Eventually, the girls got him over to Shawna's house where they could keep an eye on him. I explained the situation to Annette & told her that I might be gone for a while, which she was very understanding about (remember, she never knew the full extent of the Roxanne situation; things may have been different if she had). His mom drove in from 3 states away, and we planned an impromptu intervention, which we were not convinced would do any good, but we had to try something. So, we sat him down (myself, Roxanne, Shawna & her husband, and his mom....Roxanne's boy/girlfriend had to work. Priorities, I guess) and just tried to talk to him.

Fortunately, it did do some good. We convinced him that he finally needed to seek some help. Roxanne found a live-in treatment center nearby that would take him on a sliding payment scale, and he agreed to go for the month-long program. We were all thrilled, and very hopeful that he might finally be able to beat the demons he's been struggling with for years.

So, because of the situation, Roxanne & I found ourselves seeing or talking to each other on almost a daily basis for a while; with the intervention, taking care of Jerry's affairs while he was gone, the 'family meetings' which I was always a part of. Sometimes the boy/girlfriend was there, most of the time she wasn't. What was strange was that, all of a sudden, the boy/girlfriend started being extremely friendly with me, treating me like we were old buddies now all of a sudden. I'm still not sure what that was all about, but my best guess is that because Annette was in the picture & I was supposedly getting married, that it was finally 'ok' for me to be around, in her eyes. At least, I'm sure that's the way she wanted it to look...I didn't buy the act for a second & I still don't, nor do I give a shit. But anyway, the point is that this was the first time that, at least according to the rules of their relationship, Roxanne & I were 'allowed' to actually spend time with each other...if only because we were all pulling together to help her brother(and I should make it clear here that, everything with Roxanne & I aside, I love Jerry like a brother & was going to do everything I could to make sure he got the help he needed, especially after our strained relationship over the last few years).

So, needless to say, it was a pretty intense few weeks for everyone involved, as it would have been even without all the personal drama. But...we were getting along famously. Maybe a little too famously for some people's comfort. The first time I noticed it was one day about a week into Jerry's stay at the facility. it was his first visiting day, and the whole family & I were there. The place was set on several acres of beautiful countryside, with a large pond right in the middle. We were all sitting out next to the water, talking & laughing, when Jerry's father put me on the spot by asking me if I had set a date for my wedding yet. I hesitated for a long second, obviously trying to sputter out an answer while all eyes went to me. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was described by Shawna's husband later as 'some serious backpedaling'. I told him that we hadn't set a date yet, and we were trying not to make a big deal of the engagement, and that it probably wouldn't be happening for a while, or something like that. The whole group was silent as I was struggling with my words, all of them shooting glances over at Roxanne, of course (who kept her head down the whole time, betraying nothing), except for the boy/girlfriend...who was staring a hole dead through me.

I don't know what I should have said...maybe I should have made up some bullshit about how we were going to have some grand wedding with the two of us in KISS makeup while parachuting from a plane...but I was totally caught unawares, and the truth just came out. I didn't know what the hell was going to happen or if we were going to get married or not; Annette & I were both already on the fence about it by that time. Plus, some internal mechanism that I honestly couldn't control made sure that I left that door open, and that everybody there knew it. And I'm sure everybody knew it...

Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when, over the next few weeks, I started to hear from Roxanne less, and when we saw each other on the weekend Jerry was getting out of rehab (he did great, by the way), that things were very stiff & guarded between us....with the boy/girlfriend right underfoot the whole time. It took me a while to piece it together, but that's my theory, anyway: that Roxanne got the proverbial reins tightened around her after that day, and she, feeling guilty, went along with it (because that's how she is; for Roxanne, ever the fact that she & I talk via e-mail is almost cheating in her book, and I know that she felt like she was betraying the other one by opening up to me as much as she had), and began to try and toe the lesbian line again, so to speak.

And, with a few tiny exceptions, that's how it's been ever since, for the past year or so. I mean, we still email each other sometimes, and lately that has mostly transferred over to texting (which I fucking hate; you can't really express yourself that way...or I can't, anyway), but I could tell that she had started to patch that old wall back up again. And I guess I understood, for a while. After all, Annette was still around (even though she knew we were having problems; she gets Shawna to spy on me, not knowing that she also fills me in on it, as well), and there wasn't much that we could do about anything, anyway. Until recently...

She sent me a text a few weeks ago asking me if I knew that my favorite band was coming to town. In the course of our exchange, I told her that Annette & I had split up. I don't know how she reacted in real life, but she told me she was sorry & asked what happened & if I was ok, yadda yadda. We talked for a while that night until it was time for the other one to come home, but only about me, never about us.

In fact, we've talked several times now since then, but not about anything important, as it were, so I really have no idea what she thinks of the fact that I'm single again. But the thing is, she hasn't had a lot of time lately to think about much of anything: for the last six weeks, she's been starring in a play that runs 5 days a week, with 2 performances on the weekends. On top of this, she's working 40-45 hours per week at her regular job, and averaging about 5 hours of sleep per night. She's been doing this with no breaks & no time off, and she still has another week to go...so everyone has been a little worried about her. Especially in light of...well, things that have recently come to light. Let me explain...

So she invites me to come see her play on opening night (which, I knew, meant that the boy/girlfriend would not be coming that night), which I do, of course. I drag Elaine along with me & I make plans to meet Shawna & her husband there, as I haven't seen them in a good while. We go, we see the show, she's brilliant, yadda yadda. We're outside talking afterwards, waiting for Roxanne to get out of the dressing room when, out of the blue, Shawna's husband gestures to me & says to his wife "Tell him."

Tell me what? Shawna squirms around a little bit & tries to protest, but it's far too late for that now...I know something's up. So I tell her to fucking well tell me. She takes a big breath, looks at me & says "You can't say anything!"

"Anything about what?", I ask.

"We don't know this for sure yet, and it cannot get out that we said anything, because we didn't actually see anything, and if..."

"Will you just tell me, before she gets out here!" I almost yelled.

Another big sigh. Shawna looked over at her husband, then back to me.

"Well...we think [the boy/girlfriend] is cheating on Roxanne.", she says. I start to speak. She interrupts me.

"You CANNOT say anything! We're not for sure yet...but it's from a very close source, and we definitely saw some shady shit going down! But you CANNOT say anything yet!"

It took me a minute. Anger, hope, elation, more anger...they all drew straws in my head. Hope won. I asked her what it was that she knew, exactly....which is a long story.

Tomorrow.

Damned if I do...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:11:00 -0500

So a couple more days went by; I still hadn't written her back. I was still too overwhelmed to get my thoughts in any kind of order. A few days later, I got this:

>you never responded to my last msg.

So I did...and the floodgates opened again. I wrote:

> I know...I didn't. I guess I feel like I've heard
> you say all those things before...all the reasons
> why things are so difficult now. Trust me, I know
> them. I also know that the course we took was
> probably...maybe..the best one to take at the time,
> but I'm still not sure. I still know I'd do it all
> differently if I had it over again, but you know
> that, too.
> I've been thinking about you a lot lately; this past
> weekend I couldn't think of much else, and I had to
> stop myself & shake myself back into reality a
> couple of times. I'm not saying that to scare you &
> I hope it doesn't, but I guess it just says a
> lot...how easily you can still occupy my thoughts.
> The last time I saw you...do you remember it? (this entry), I
> really, really tried to take it all as some kind of
> sign...that I was going to be ok & that life goes
> on. After all, what are the odds of me being in a
> coffee shop at 9 in the morning, on the very day I
> was to leave for the movie, no less. And there you
> were...I remember hearing your voice while I was at
> the counter, and knowing it was you before I ever
> turned around...and I remember exactly what you
> looked like, and how I stood there with coffee
> running down my hand from where I'd sloshed a little
> out the side but I didn't want to wipe it up & I
> hoped you wouldn't notice. I remember you seemed
> like you were disappointed in me for what was going
> on between me & your brother, and how much it still
> stung me to know that I was somehow making you
> unhappy with yet another of my actions. And I
> remember leaving that day & telling myself that it
> was some sort of final test that the universe was
> putting me through, to see if I was man
> enough to go do what I needed to do to follow my
> dreams....until I remembered later that I don't
> believe in that kind of stuff. or maybe I do...I
> dunno sometimes. I know I believe in you....
> I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say now, I
> guess I'm just trying to put everything in
> perspective. I don't have any idea what your
> day-to-day life is like or how you're getting along
> in your relationship, but I'm hard-pressed to argue
> with anything that's made it easier for us to talk
> to each other (or whatever it is we do).
> [Annette] doesn't think anything about you, that I know
> of. She knows who you are, of course, but she
> doesn't know all the long history & I'm not really
> convinced that she should. I know she trusts me &
> that she knows I would never do anything to betray
> that, and I wouldn't, but she knows I had a life
> before, and that you were part of that. I don't
> think she'd react like [the boy/girlfriend] about us talking, but
> then again, [the boy/girlfriend] might have more reason to react
> that way. I have to say, though...the statute of
> limitations on her attitude has to be running out
> quickly; you can be jealous for a year or
> two...fine, but at what point is she going to be
> secure enough with your relationship to not feel
> that way? And if she's not, is that really what's
> making her feel that way? And why is it?
> In any case, I'm just really glad that I've been
> able to communicate with you again. I have no idea
> what the future holds, but I'd like the present to
> hold the promise of us at least letting some of our
> guard down & accepting the fact that we are still
> important to each other....to say the least. I don't
> care how it sounds, but there's always a hole in my
> life when you're not in it. I've tried to get used
> to it before, but it's always there...unless you're
> here. I could write & write to you all night, but I
> think I'll stop now....I'm getting better at
> quitting while I'm ahead.
>
> Love always...always.
> -[x]

The next day:

> i remember
> that day well. i remember that you looked
> good. i knew what you were about to do, thanks to
> my spies
> and jerry. i was proud. i remember thinking,
> finally he's really gonna direct! i remember feeling
> awkward. it was early and you were out! i know i
> came
> down a little hard on you that morning about jerry,
> but he IS my brother. mostly i felt proud of you,
> but
> i couldnt really show you that. over the years since
> we broke up when i see you i instantly feel
> protective of myself. stupid, i know, as you have
> beat
> yourself up for hurting me more than i ever could.
> i am glad [Annette] isnt the jealous type.[the boy/girlfriend] is
> insecure, it's true. i seem to draw the insecure to
> me. i also attract those that detest change.
> interesting, since resiliance and adaptability are
> strengths of mine. [the boy/girlfriend] HAS become more secure over
> the years. she has abandonment issues from her
> childhood. i know you're thinking 'blah, blah,
> blah',
> but i'm just telling it like it is. her jealousy has
> certainly wained over the years. she trusts me, and
> i
> felt it appropriate to limit contact with you, as
> she
> knew how deep my feelings for you have always been.
> there is nothing going on right now to change that.
> things in my daily life are truly terrific and
> happy.
> for some reason this time
> i just felt the flood gates open and went
> with
> my need to communicate with you, right or wrong.
> i wonder about your life. i wonder how things in it
> are going. i must admit it makes me smile
> to
> think you are marrying a musical theatre performer!
> it
> also makes me jealous, and i am certain she is
> better
> than me, more talented, more beautiful, whatever.
> (PS:
> jerry thinks she looks like kara, buti think she looks
> like kelly clarkson, and i know
> you
> love kelly clarkson) [EDITORS NOTE: neither Annette or Kara resemble Kelly Clarkson in any way, shape or form other than they're all hot...dunno where she gets this]
> i am jealous because she gets
> to
> know your friends and go on vacations and BE a
> couple
> with you, which i never got to do with you. i am
> scared to death i will run into [Annette] at an audition,
> or get cast in a show with her. i feel better
> knowing
> she doesnt think of me as 'the one who got away' and
> isnt the jealous type, but every time [someone]
> mentions
> you two i wanna slap her.
> i am very lucky to have [the boy/girlfriend] in my life. she takes
> great care of me. and i get to perform alot, even if
> it is for peanuts. i feel like i have so much ahead
> of
> me.
> i'm sorry, it's early in the morning and i am
> rambling
> on and on. i am not sure my brain is fully awake, but i
> like that we're 'talking'.

I liked that we were talking, too...even though I was technically doing it behind Annette's back...that hadn't escaped me. but what was I doing, exactly? I wasn't cheating on her; I wasn't scheming to get back together with Roxanne behind her back. I know that it would have killed me if I had found Annette saying the same kind of things to somebody else, but...fuck...what was I supposed to do? What would you do?

I just tried to do the right thing, be true to myself, and to not ruin anyone else's life, which is a habit I've been trying really hard to break for a long time. There was a part of me that wanted more than anything to leap through the crack in the door that Roxanne had opened & try to win her back once & for all, all others be damned...but, even though things with Annette weren't exactly storybook-worthy by then, there was another part of me that still felt like this might be some sort of test from the universe (you know, those kinds of things that I don't believe in & yet still allow to fuck up my shit) that I was supposed to rise above & do the honorable thing. So, that's what I did.

Only thing is, now, I realize that the truly honorable thing would have been to simply follow my heart; tell Annette the truth, end it before she could get hurt, and grab hold of the opportunity Roxanne had presented me with, never to let it go again...but I didn't.

And so, that's how it went for a while. Annette & I went on growing aprt slowly but surely, and Roxanne & I kept talking; less intimately, but just as frequently. For a while. About a month or so later, problems started to develop. Not with us, but with her brother, Jerry.

Jerry, one of my best friends in the world, is a beautiful but troubled soul. I'm sure I've mentioned much about it before. He has struggled with drug, alcohol, anger, and emotional issues all his life, and for the past few years, they had been coming to a head. Last fall, after a horribly failed relationship & a series of other setbacks, Jerry hit rock-bottom. Roxanne & I, being two of the closest people in his life, were, or course, drawn deeply into the situation together. And that's when things sorta got weird again...

True Confessions

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 23:25:00 -0500

So, yeah. After the whirlwind of the previous year, and after all my steps taken towards semi-closure (wanted or unwanted), and almost a year into my new relationship with the woman I will supposedly marry...after all that (not to mention the better part of 2 decades), she finally says it. Then I get this:

>i'm sorry. i probably shouldnt have sent that last
>email. i probably should have kept it to myself.
>sorry.

I didn't know what the hell to say or do. I knew what I should do (nothing), I knew what I could do (probably nothing), and I knew what I wanted to do in my gut (something). I took a while to answer. I said:

> Dont have any alone time to write back today, but i
> will later. Thank you.....

>i completely understand, and appreciate you telling
>me, or i would be worried sick that i had said too
>much if i didnt hear back from you.

Couple o' days went by; I didn't have time to write her with Anette around, and I still wasn't sure what I should say. I figured that, just like everything else I do, I had to just sit down & see what came out. So I wrote:

> > Don't you dare be sorry...
> >
> > Timing. That's all I kept telling myself all
> these
> > years, too. I've never had good timing, I'd be a
> bad
> > comedian. You have to know I still wonder about us
> > all the time...and how things might have been if I
> > was able to be the man then that I am now, and did
> > what I knew I was supposed to. The last few years
> > would have been so, so different, one way or
> > another.
> > Now, here we are, and part of me just wants to
> grab
> > you & shake you & ask why you couldn't have just
> > said those words to me a few months ago, or a few
> > years ago...or anytime, when you know how badly
> I've
> > always wanted to hear them. And another part of me
> > wants to just hug you, and try to laugh at it the
> > irony of it all...
> >
> > It would be so nice to have the last couple of
> > decades & all we've been through finally all make
> > sense somehow, wouldn't it?
> >
> > I have no idea where my life is going to take
> > me....I think I'm trying to make better choices
> now
> > & some of them seem to be working, but who knows.
> I
> > know that if I ever thought that...how the hell do
> I
> > say this.....well, maybe i just wont say that
> > part...but I do know what i've always known; that
> if
> > we ever had the chance, through whatever
> > circumstance, to start over, that I would do just
> > what i told you before...I would never let you go
> > again. Timing can suck it.
> >
> > I don't know if I should feel bad saying that, but
> > it's nothing I haven't said before, and nothing
> has
> > changed about it. I guess the fact just remains
> > that, while there are certainly some other
> wonderful
> > people in the world, and while we both might be
> able
> > to find some kind of happiness elsewhere, without
> > you, I'll always feel like I'm just settling for
> > something...just like I always have. Now I should
> > probably be the one who's sorry....

And I was. I felt bad...really bad, for the first time in my relationship with Annette. I had my suspicions already on whether she & I were going to make it or not, but it was at that moment when I knew exactly what was going to happen; I knew that I wasn't in love with her. And it wasn't just because of Roxanne...at least I don't thinkit was. It was more the fact that, if I really was in love with her in the first place, I wouldn't even have been having that conversation with Roxanne. Which I was. I wasn't gonna do anything about it; I wasn't gonna do the right thing, and follow my heart, and take the opportunity that I had been waiting years for & thought that I would surely never have again. No, I was gonna do the honorable thing...the thing I had committed myself to...the thing that is every man's duty at one time or another: stay in a relationship that you aren't happy in out of some sort of misplaced sense of duty or responsibility.

Besides, it wasn't really an invitation to the dance, exactly. Sure, she finally voiced her feelings about me again after all these years, but she's done that in roundablout ways before, and it really wasn't a huge shock...other than being huge & shocking. But she did say IF we were to find ourselves single again, THEN yadda yadda yadda...and neither one of us were anywhere close to single at that moment.

So, I said what I said & I waited for her response, which was this:

> neither of
> us should be sorry.
> dont shake me and ask me why... you know why:
> timing.
> it didnt work because we werent ready. selfishly, i
> am
> glad to know you still feel this way. part of me
> assumed you didnt anymore. [EDITORS NOTE: WHAT THE FUCK??]
> obviously the choices you
> have been making ARE working for you, on many
> levels.
> you have a beautiful fiance and a career that is
> going
> really well. me too, i have great things in my life
> too. everything happens the way it is supposed to, i
> really believe that. i couldnt say those words to
> you
> at another time because i wasnt supposed to. i was
> very angry with you for a long time. but as i have
> watched you grow, at a distance, i have been so
> proud
> and i cant be angry through my pride. you did the
> best
> you could at the time.
> i only hope you are truly happy. i am genuinely
> pleased that you stopped waiting for me and allowed
> love into your life. i hope she is good to you, and
> lets you be you. i hope journey songs are
> featured
> prominently at your wedding and she gives you a
> whole
> wing of the house you will share together to hang up
> your movie posters.
> we tried... several times. and we are better
> people
> for it. who knows what will befall us in the next 50
> years. i have limited my contact with you the last
> few
> years because of my own anger and because [censored] gets
> jealous of you. rightly so, she was my friend when
> we
> were together. she heard how head over heals i was,
> and ulimately, how heartbroken i became. i
> understand
> her jealousy. i can only imagine what [Annette] must feel
> about me. but, that being said, you have never left
> my
> heart or my thoughts. and undoubtedly you never
> will.

So the night I got that reply from her, I was reading it on my laptop, lying in bed, while Annette was in the shower. I heard her coming toward the room & knew that I couldn't let her see me crying...there'd be no good way to explain that. So I closed the lid of the computer quickly & quietly, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, flipped over on my stomach & pretended to be asleep. A few hours later, I actually got there.

Behind the Lines

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:25:00 -0500

So...it's been a month now.

The house is still a wreck 'cus I haven't had a lot of time to get it back in order. The first time I went to hang one of my pictures back up in the living room, I found that she had taken my hammer by accident. I did it with a shoe. But, it's my place again...same as it ever was.

I have no idea how to try and condense the last 2 years into a few hundred words...that probably won't happen for a while. I've already talked about why it didn't work out, and that's about the long and short of things. I'm sure there were several amusing anecdotes I could relate, but frankly, I'd feel like I was making light of things if I did that right now, so I wont. It's done & that's that.

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. I've had my moments, but overall things have been pretty good. It's weird though; this is the first mutually agreed-upon, organic breakup I've had in....well, since Maria, I suppose...and my psyche is obviously not used to it. After years upon years of hardcore breakup drama after drama, I've been having some trouble handling the lack of it in this case. It's like I have a little John Lovitz on one shoulder wearing a red suit & poking me with a pitchfork, going "What are you waiting for...freak out! Do something stupid!", and It's strange to me. Still...it's sad, but I'm ok, and I think she is, too. She's definitely going to be a lot happier than she was here with me, and she deserves that. I just don't like change.

Speaking of which...

(deep breath)

About 6 months after Annette & I moved in together, Roxanne & I started talking again. I honestly can't remember who made contact first, but I'm pretty sure it was her. In fact, I know it was...she sent me an e-mail congradulating me on my, um, engagement. At that point, her brother Jerry & I had not been speaking for several months, and I took the opportunity to ask her how he was doing. We started talking about him & struck up a fairly regular correspondence for a while. We skirted around talking about any actual issues, but it was pretty obvious that we were glad to be talking to each other again.

Yeah, I know...the irony. After all these years, she decides to open up the lines of communication just as I find myself in a serious relationship. I didn't know what to make of it, but I did know one thing; I was going to keep myself well in check. I had made a commitment, and I was determined to honor it for better or worse (although I was already pretty aware that it was the latter by that time), and I wasn't going to let my past derial my future yet again.

At first, I thought that maybe Roxanne now felt 'safe' with me, now that I was engaged; that she just missed our friendship & saw this as a chance to get that back without having to worry about, well, stuff. I didn't really buy that, especially once I realized that she was still keeping our communication a secret from her partner. Not that I'm one to talk...so was I.

In any case, I was glad to be talking to her again, of course. I hadn't had much luck having satisfying conversations with Annette yet, and if there was ever anything that Roxanne & I did well, it was talk. The setup was pretty perfect: Annette worked during the day, I worked at home, and Roxanne was working as a receptionist with nothing much to do all day 'cept talk to me. Still, it remained pretty innocent...if a little awkward sometimes because of it.

Right around that time, we were getting ready to have a local premiere for my film. I sent out a mass invite to all my peoples and included her on the list. I didn't think for a second she would come, but I felt I should at least ask. Included in the email was my phone number, which, until that point, she didn't have.

Anyway, she didn't show up for the premiere. Not that I looked or anything...

About a month later, I was on the phone with Elaine, pulling into a parking space at my local Target, when I got a call on the other line. I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't answer it. After I got off the phone, I saw that whomever it was had not left a message. I normally wouldn't have thought twice about it, but for some reason that day I was curious. I called the number. I got Roxanne's voicemail.

I didn't leave a message; I was too surprised. Instead, I took a minute to think, and I did something that I had only done once or twice before in my life up to that point: I sent her a text message. I said something like "I can't believe you call me for the first time in five years & I missed it. Call back anytime." She didn't. I wondered about it for a day or two, but things were busy, so I moved on.

I didn't hear from her for about a week. Then, an email:

>sorry.
> i shouldnt have called you. you gave me your number
> and curiousity got the better of me.

My response:

>It's ok....but curiosity about what?

>i dunno, lots of things. just wanted to talk to you right
>then. why am I doing
>this?

I'm hesitant. Is she trying to open some door here? I'm not in a position in my life where I could walk through it, even if I wanted to. Careful...

> Because we've been a part of each other's lives for
> over half of it, and 'cus sometimes we miss just
> talking to each other? I'm not sure I
>buy that, but
>it seems like a good, simple reason, right?

>ok, simple enuff.

(2 minutes later)

>but i dont buy it either. ive been thinking about
>you a lot lately. i wonder about you & annette,
> and i sincerely want you to be happy. i want us
>both to be happy, but that doesnt mean i dont
>wonder about us sometimes. am i making any sense?

>I want us both to be happy, also. It took me a long,
>long time, but I finally came to accept the fact that
>you had found someone that made you happy. It's
>too early to know for sure yet, but I may have found
>that as well. Maybe. That doesn't mean I don't
>wonder about
>you. I have for almost 20 years and
>I'm not real good with change,
> as you know. I guess
>it's just weird for me to hear you say...well, whatever
>it is that you're saying. What are you saying?

>you're
> right. i know you're right. we have both found
> people that we are compatible with, that are good to
> us, that really love us. it's true though that we
> will
> always love eachother. i'll admit i think
> about what our life together would have been like if
> we could have made it work. but there is a reason we
> didnt and sometimes i think it always boils down to
> timing for us. your timing, my timing. (sigh) what
> do
> i mean by bringing this up? i have no idea. there is
> a
> reason we didnt work, but i must admit i will always
> wonder what that reason is. (beware of scary
> sentence
> to follow) and IF, for whatever reason, we just FIND
> ourselves organically single again, which of course
> i
> do not expect to happen what with you officially
> getting married and all, but IF that happens, maybe
> we
> should then try again... and see if the timing is
> still off.
> why did i say that? i am not trying to stir
> something
> up, it is just honestly how i am feeling. and what
> was
> rolling around in my head about you last night. i am
> not trying to cause trouble.

Yeah...she said that. Bedtime...more later.

Back Where We Started

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:32:00 -0500

She's gone.

It took us a while to actually go through with it, but it happened. It wasn't ugly or unpleasant, but it was very sad. We do love each other, and I wish her nothing but happiness...but it just wasn't right.

I can't say it was wasted, though...I learned a lot, and I might actually remember some of it this time, who knows. One thing I learned, or at least remembered, is that I'm damn tired of wasting time...damn tired. So, gonna try & do something about that.

Anyway, I'm back, and I guess I'll have to think up another color. Maybe I'll go with this. More later....

Blind Faith

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:49:00 -0500

So we've been talking about it...and, even though neither of us has actually come out & said or suggested anything concrete, my hunch right now is that she'll probably be leaving sometime in May. She has a contract at work that runs through April, and I know she's already thinking about that as a kind of cut-off date. I mean, anything could happen at this point, but that's my prediction...not that I believe in predictions.

And yes, I know that her beliefs should not be any less valid than mine...but it's not her ideaology itself as much as the way she lets it affect her life in ways that she doesn't realize are harmful. Last night, for instance, she called me after she got off work at 7:45 and said that it was a nice night & did I want to go for a quick drive through the park? She had a bad day at work & the park makes her feel better. I was in the middle of something & didn't want to break away, so she said that she was going to drive through there on the way home...even though it's about 15 miles out of the way and it was about 15 minutes before sundown (she likes to go to the park & 'connect with nature', as she calls it). I didn't think much of it, so I told her I'd see her when she got home in a little while.

So, I lose track of time & all of a sudden, it's 9:05. I haven't heard from her, so I give her a call to make sure she's ok. She doesn't answer. Finally, at about 9:30 she calls me back & says she lost track of time & was just sitting in her car meditating...which she does out there; this park is very remote & secluded. So she comes home a few minutes later & I...very politely...try to impress on her that it might not be the safest thing for a young woman to be alone in the park after dark....as I said, it is very remote & secluded, not to mention dark. She absolutely refused to recognize this point, telling me that I should have faith in her sixth sense to make sure she's always aware & safe. She says that she has a very deep spiritual connection to that park and that she knows nothing bad could ever happen to her there...after all, nothing bad has ever happened to her in her life, so she can go out alone in the dark all she wants and I just need to have faith & not worry so much...because, in short, she has a guardian fairy godmother angel. Oh, and apparently I was being very closed-minded & refused to believe in her.

So, Jaded, in response to your comment, it's not just that she plays with crystals & listens to Yanni...it's that she makes fundamental decisions about her day-to-day life & welfare based on a bunch of baloney. I felt like I was taking crazy pills....

And it's a damn shame, but I guess I knew it from day one....and then just tried to convince myself otherwise. I'm sure she feels the same to some extent. She needs somebody to believe in her fairy godmother...and I just can't do it. We'll see what happens.

More Fool Me

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:32:00 -0500

So anyway...

I'm not saying that I'm the kind of person who demands that my partner automatically believe exactly the same as I do...I can be open-minded. Hell, I've dated enough Catholic girls to learn to at least pick my battles. And, at first, that's the way I tried to look at it...that none of this new age stuff is any crazier than what the christians believe (I can't believe Blogger tries to tell me 'christian' is misspelled by not capitalizing it; fuck Blogger). And that, being a late bloomer, she'll probably grow out of it to an extent.

So, I figured I'd give it a shot. She moved 500 miles to come live with me & we piled all her stuff into my tiny apartment and settled in...and it was good. Then, little by little, this stuff began to creep into our daily lives. She'd have a bad dream & wake up and spend an hour looking up interpretations & meanings of it on the web, convinced that it was telling her something. I'd notice her checking her horoscope in the mornings (not a huge deal) and then started to see her doing online tarot readings...again, not a huge deal I guess, if she didn't also make day-to-day choices based upon whatever it said, that is.

Then came the talk about the past lives. At first, I tried again to just tell myself that millions of hindus & others believe in reincarnation, so it's not that unusual. But then came the kicker; one day a few months ago, she asked me if I believed in aliens. I told her that I don't beleieve in Roswell & little green men, but that life out there of some kind is certainly possible. She then proceeded to tell me how she doesn't believe in little green man either...she thinks that all the aliens are beautiful angels who are in secret communication with some enlightned people, who....do you really even need me to continue?

So, at this point, I was officially concerned. I took the problem to Elaine, whom she had become friends with by that time, and told her what was going on. I let her read a couple of the crazy-ass websites that Annette had showed me, and she agreed that somebody should, well, say something. So, we did. We sat her down & asked her just what it was that makes her think any of this is true. She responded by saying, reluctantly, that she knows a lot of it is probably not true...but that reading it & believing it makes her feel good. That she doesn't like all the ugliness & pain in the world, at that this is someplace that she can kind of retreat to....a warm, fuzzy fantasy world where benevolent aliens & fairies sprinkle pixie dust on the evils of the world.

So, she basically confirmed what I had already thought...that she wasn't necessarily crazy, but that it just made her feel better to think that way. We then tried to explain to her how, while her feelings were understandable, that it really wasn't healthy to live in that kind of fantasy world, especially when she was already so....unexposed, shall we say, to so many aspects of the real world...such as anything having to do with history, or current events, or culture, or...anything, really.

She said that she understood that...and that she knows that she needs to read more, and become more informed & involved with things, and that she was just having a hard time being in a new place & needed some comfort & yadda yadda,. So, I felt semi-better about it & life went on. And for a long while, I didn't hear a single crazy word come out of her mouth...I started to think that maybe some reality had finally sunk it.

Nope.

In fact, all that was going on was that she was just repressing it all...in this new environment, she didn't have any of her crazy friends around to talk to about any of this, so all her new-agey-ness was just being bottled up, looking for a release. And it all came to a head over christmas...

We were going out west to visit her parents in the little town that she grew up in. I had met her parents many times before, and we got along well. They seemed to me like normal, reasonable people, and in fact, I was looking forward to spending some time with them because I actually wanted to bring some of these concerns up to them. Nothing had really come up about it lately, but there had been several embarrassing moments in public where she was trying to make conversation with people & ended up saying something that was completely out there & off-the-wall enough to make people step back a little...stuff like telling the mother of a new baby that she needed to go and look up the baby's star signs & plan out some kind of astrological growing-up chart for him. Stuff that, to her, was just normal, but that I couldn't get her to see how & why some other people might not think that.

So anyway, we go out west for the holidays...and during the 2 weeks that we were there, it all became perfectly clear....

The first thing I notice upon entering her parents house is a pamphlet sitting on the dining-room table. It was the monthly newsletter of an organization called the A.R.E.; or the Association for Research & Enlightenment. Alarm bells immediately went off in my head, because this was something that I was quite familiar with.

The A.R.E. is an organization based around the works of Edgar Cayce; a nearly-forgotten, early 20th-century 'psychic' con-man, who claimed to be able to tap into the spirit world & find information to cure almost any ailment. Cayce would, allegedly, fall into a deep trance & dictate litanies of folk-remedies to desperate souls who wrote him with descriptions of their illnesses. He also claimed that the U.S. would discover a 'death ray' weapon from the lost Continent of Atlantis in 1958, and that, of course, the universe was teeming with aliens, who were all watching our every move & guiding the human race toward enlightenment.

Apparently, her parents (in their 70's now) have been enthusiasts (if not exactly followers) of Cayce for the better part of a century. They have spent thousands of dollars on A.R.E. themed retreats & seminars, practice questionable homeopathic medicine, and, for all their seeming normalcy (and undeniable intelligence), are really just as batshit-crazy as I feared she was. And there we have our answer.

She was born into it...she's been around it all her life. It's all she's ever known. It's no different than someone who grew up in a christian or muslim home; they're not going to suddenly be converted if you just show them some literature or disprove one of their many theories. Her parents aren't gonna change, which pretty much means that she's not gonna change, either.

And when you think about it & look at the facts, it sort of makes sense. In the 40's & 50's, when her parents were young and Cayce was in the pop-culture eye, the world at large was much less skeptical, and the standards of media, as bad as they are today, were such that frauds & hoaxes often went undetected. We also did not have the science then to disprove many of the things we do today, so, in the cold light of hindsight, I can easily see how two young, idealistic people could get wrapped up in something like that. I don't really understand how they could ignore all the inconsistencies & disregard basically everything that science has learned about the world since then & continue to believe it for 50+ years, but I guess once you get comfortable with something, it's hard to shake it off. And it's probably hard not to pass some of it on to your children, too...

And yes, I know it's not my place to change anyone, or to try and tear down anyone's beliefs...although if I had somehow made it into adulthood still believing in Santa or the easter bunny, I'd desperately want someone to tell me. But that's the difference in us...she doesn't want to hear it. When I try and explain to her why the pyramids in Egypt are just big tombs & not secret energy portals that the aliens put here, it's like I can see the 2 sides of her brain warring; she hears me...somewhere inside she knows I'm right & she admits as much, but she just can't imagine having to face a reality without all this stuff in it, so she refuses to. There's literally nothing I can do.

And I can't talk to her anymore, not about anything meaningful...how can I take anything she says seriously? How can I trust one single decision that she makes? What the hell do I do? I know we can't work out together, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same way (after all, who would want to be with someone who is constantly belittling that which you hold dear), but part of me is worried that, if I let her go, I'll come across her chanting & selling flowers at the bus station a year from now.

And yes, I may be exaggerating a bit, and yes, I know that's not really my problem....as my grandpa once said "you can't save everybody, son...just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!" But it's pretty clear to me that, at least in some way, she needs saving; she has to learn how to function in the real world or she's gonna be screwed; 'cus her parents aren't gonna be around too much longer, and she's got nobody else to stop her from dinking the kool-aid.

And how in the hell did I, of all people, wind up here?*

*=yeah, I know...it's rhetorical

The Shaming of the True

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 00:33:00 -0500

Yeah, well....it ain't goin' so hot.

And I'm not sure if there's even anybody out there listening who cares anymore, but, as always, I'm writing this for myself as much as anything. It's been creeping into my mind for a long while now, and it's time I faced it...somehow.

At first, it was great. Well....let me qualify that; as first it was new, and in the wild world of romance, anything new is often great, at first. But, we've been together for almost a year & a half now; it's no longer new, and the greatness is gone, too. Don't get me wrong, we don't fight all the time, we still have sex, we do love each other..of that I'm sure....we're just very different, as I've said before. "Well, different how?", you might ask...

In short, she's fucking nuts.

Now let me qualify that. She's not exactly Veronica-crazy; she was crazy in a scary, boil-your-bunny kind of way. No, Annette (still no color, as she's asleep about 10 feet away from me as I write this) is crazy mainly because she was born into it, like some people are born into money or slavery. Let me attempt to explain....

Irony
i·ro·ny1 : [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -nies.
D: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

Many of you have seen me use this word before; sometimes correctly, sometimes not. Often things are thought of as being ironic when they're really more darkly humorous than anything. Let me just assure you then, dear reader, that there could possibly be nothing more ironic than me: the most skeptical, non-religious, rational thinker I know, ending up with someone who's beliefs make Shirley MacClaine's seem mainstream.

I knew that, from the beginning, she had some personality quirks that were, let's say, wacky. She mentioned consulting her horoscope a few times early on, and said something about karma & past lives on occasion, but this, for whatever reason, didn't raise a huge red flag with me. Ok, let me take that back...even the slight mention of those kinds of things always raise a red flag with me, but in this case, I chose to ignore it. Why? I'll get to that.

You see, for those of you who don't know me (i.e. everyone), I've had something of a long & sordid history with religion. After being born southern Baptist, then raised & educated Catholic, I had the normal crisis of faith in my late teens that I assume most people go through. I spent years & years voraciously reading anything I could on the subject of faith, from both sides of the coin, and after several years of soul-searching, finally came to two happy conclusions. One, that I am agnostic, and two, that I am simply not one of those people who is driven to seek answers to the all-encompassing why-are-we-here type questions...I simply don't care. Or, to be more precise, I don't not care as much as I just think that it seems to have little bearing on how we go through this life...if there's something out there that we can only experience after we die, I'll find out about it then. If there is something out there beyond this world we see every day, then it's pretty obviously something that we're not supposed to concern ourselves too much with, lest we miss out on all the wonderful things we have to do in this world.

My feelings on this matter were also greatly affected by something that happened when I was 21 years old, when one of my best friends, whom you've heard me mention, fell into a religious cult. It wasn't the Moonies or Krishnas, and he didn't shave his head & sell pencils at the airport...it was a much more insidious, christian-based cult. He was, and still is, one of the brightest, most reasonable, well-educated people I have ever met, and it fascinated me to no end as to how this could happen to him...and yet it did. After a couple of years, he managed to come to his senses & see it for what it really was, but not before it had almost ruined his life in many ways. Over the next few years, the two of us became self-styled experts on fringe religions, mind-control cults, and the psychology of those who join them. For three years, we labored on a documentary exposing the true face behind this organization he had belonged to, only to see the cult itself crumble from within after one of it's leaders was implicated in a scandal.

During our research for the documentary, I had the chance to interview dozens of people who had gone through similar experiences. Some of their stories were truly heartbreaking, and I was shocked at how reasonable & intelligent many of them seemed, further reinforcing my theory that it doesn't matter how smart you are...some people just need to believe in something. I met wives who had lost husbands to cults, mothers that had lost their children, fathers who had been spit & cursed at by their sons. Most of these people eventually found their way out of whatever group they were in, but rarely before significant damage had been done, both to their lives & those of their families. At one point, I actually considered the possibility that this was my true calling; that I was supposed to use my talent for filmmaking not to be the next John Carpenter, but to help these people...to get their stories out, so nobody else would have to go through what they went through.

Then, as so many things do, the project fell through. After the scandal involving this group, there was no longer any cult for us to combat, and soon, my interests turned to other things, and my days as an amateur expositor/exit counselor were over. I never lost interest in the subject completely & I try to stay well-read on the subject...it just ceased to be an actual part of my life...until.

Until Annette.

So, anyway, we had met & fallen madly in infatuation with each other before I started to hear her talk about any of these things. One night, I remember she mentioned something about past-lives & I decided to ask her about it; she claimed that her parents had always believed in such things, and had just raised her that way. She tried to make it sound like she didn't really believe any of it; that it was just lip-service, no different than millions of people who profess to be christians but have never cracked open a bible or set foot inside a church in years. Besides, this was me we're talking about here, remember? Even if she did have some wacky beliefs, I was sure that it was simply because she didn't know any better. I don't mean that to sound condescending; the fact is that the vast majority of people in the world have very little critical thinking ability....that is, people tend to believe whatever they're taught or read with little questioning. Hell, I was a christian until I sat down & thought about it for a while...as were many people I knew. I figured that whatever wackiness she had been exposed to, I was the perfect antidote to come in & show her the light. Hell, I'll just explain it to her...that most psychics & astrologers are just con-men preying on the gullible; that much of this NewAge spirituality is just warmed-over eastern philosophy with a pop-culture spin & some warm & fuzzy maxims tossed in for good measure. It all makes sense once you just see it for what it is...wishful thinking, and I felt confident that any reasonable person would see as much, if given the chance to actually examine it. I'll have her cured inside of six weeks...no problemo! Right?

Yeah, well...

So that's how it began; with me trying to look past the kookiness & thinking that all she needed was to be exposed to some good old-fashioned common sense. I had all the books picked out for her to read on the subject (and encouraged her to go do research on her own, as well). I introduced her to my friend, who told her his horrifying story of life in a cult. I made sure we watched a lot of Discovery Channel because she seemed to be woefully uneducated on matters of science & history (among many other matters, that I would soon discover). In fact, after our first few conversations on the subject, I didn't hear a single esoteric peep out of her for a good couple of months, so I had basically thought that things were just working themselves out.

You see, I already had learned & accepted that she was a bit of a late bloomer, as it were. She had led an extremely sheltered life, had grown up with a protective stage mom, and was generally never encouraged to actually learn anything, other than how to sing & dance & look pretty (all of which she does amazingly well). She wasn't stupid at all, on some things she had remarkable insight, she was simply ignorant on many subjects. Her parents had failed her in that respect (which she would admit). The education system had failed her also, as I would later learn, because her mom was the school's music teacher at a small-town school, and all the other teachers took her mom's lead in not worrying about whether she knew anything except whatever would help her on stage. She graduated high school & went to cosmotology school...not exactly a paradigm of higher learning, but it's more formal education than I had, so that's no excuse. Anyway...all these were things that I naievely assumed would be cured by the simple fact of my presence. All she needed was a good example, right?

And you must also be asking yourself about now, if you know anything about me, why I was ever attracted to a girl who was not on the same intellectual level as me, as it were? For this, I have 3 answers...you decide the order of their importance.

1. She is a genuinely kind, loyal, and loving person, without a mean bone in her body.

2. She is very talented & we both shared a common interest in the same industry

3. Upon meeting her for the first time, my mom took me aside & whispered to me "Oh my lord, X, she looks just like Kara!"

...and I hear her waking up. More to come tomorrow....stay tuned

Roll With the Changes

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 06:28:00 -0500

Wow...

I haven't written in the better part of a year, and this blog is still getting around 10,000 hits per month. Is it really that interesting? it's just my life....

Anyways, hi. It's me.

I know what you're thinking, "well, Lois ran off with Lex & he's back to assign her a new color and whine & blog about it for the next seventy-two years". Nope....not quite. I'm not married yet, but she's certainly still here. About 10 feet away, sound asleep, in fact. And why I'm in here wrtiting, I'm not sure....

Life has been pretty good for the past year...sometimes great, even. Many, many things have happened, as I'm sure they have to most of you, too (if anyone's still out there actually reading this, that is, and wasn't just drawn in accidentally by google thinking I'm a porn site). Life has changed...which tends to happen when there is another person added to the equation, and for those of you who know me, you'll know that change has never been my strong suit. But I've ran with it....and for the most part, it's been ok. Some of the change, I needed...some I never expected, but have accepted. I guess maybe I just wanted to see how it felt to come back here & talk about some of it...even though i'm not sure how much of that I'll actually end up doing....you know me.

But, on the off chance that any of my old readers are still out there, I'll at least make this worthwhile for all of us & throw a few bones out to summarize the past year. Let me see....(and let me try to remember my code names without looking, too)

1. Got a new roommate...as you may have surmised.

2. I finished my movie & premiered it on the big screen. it went pretty damn well...but we still haven't sold it & I haven't made a dime off it yet.

3. Spider-Man 3: very disappointed. Lazy work all around.

4. I went to Disneyworld.

5. Elaine & I have been in a fight & haven't spoken in over a month because I was 2 hours late feeding her cat while she was on vacation. Yet she's become good friends with my significant other...(no, no fake name yet...I need the right one)

6. Okay, fine...her name will be Annette(but she doesn't get a color...you know the rules). Anyway, we're very very different, and having to work through a lot of things, but I think if I wanted to, I could really make this work out in the long run.

7. Pete ran into Kara about 3 months ago. She now has 3 kids, lives about 2 blocks from him, is married to the same redneck asshole, and apparently smiled & said "Oh, that's nice" when informed of what was happening in my life. Fine.

8. I haven't seen Roxanne since the day I last blogged about her.

9. However, in the last couple of months, she has started writing me almost daily, and has basically told me that, if the two of us ever found ourselves single again, that perhaps we should give it one more try....yes, you read that right.

10. Other than wanting to pelt her with bean bags for not saying any of this stuff for the last 5 years or so, I'm not altogether sure how I feel about that. Very confused.

So fine, I'm no Letterman but there's your top 10. I think maybe I just needed to write something down...

Is anybody still out there? Beuhler? Beuhler?

Happy Endings?

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 20 Jan 2007 04:53:00 -0600

I know, I left everybody hangin'...I feel bad, trust me. I haven't forgotten all you guys, and I've really wanted to take time to tell everybody how great things have been going, but every time I start to take the time out to write, I decide I'd rather be out there living it than writing about it....right now, anyway.

Suffice it to say that I'm very happy...more than I've been in a long, long time. And for once, instead of dwelling on the past, I'm all about the future...it looks pretty bright. I'm sure I'll be back at some point, but I just had to say thanks to everyone for giving a damn & for letting me exorcise my demons here; it helped more than I can tell you. A lot more.

I never thought I would say this, but with any luck at all, there will be no more ex-girlfriends. I think I might have finally run out of colors....

I'll leave it up to your imagination.

Gotta run; someone's calling me.....love you guys!

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 12:45:00 -0600

Better Days

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 02:50:00 -0500

Just got back. I made a freakin' movie. And I met a girl. And life is pretty awesome. But I'm tired...and I got a lot to catch up on. More later...

Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 15:12:00 -0500

Well, since I'm leaving for the shoot today, I had planned on just making a quick 'goodbye, wish me luck' post....and then I woke up this morning, went to my 8:00 meeting at a local coffee shop....and found myself standing in line behind Roxanne & the girl/boyfriend. Ya, I know; that's what I said, too...

I mean, even for me, those are crazy 1-in-a-million odds. I'm leaving town in like 8 hours, and it's as if fate itself woke up drunk this morning & said "Oh yeah, here...ya forgot THIS!". First time I had spoken to her in 3 months...and it was short & awkward as always, with the feel of the boy/girlfriend's eyes boring through the back of my skull the whole time. We talked about her mom, whom I heard had been ill recently, and then I told her that I was leaving today to go do the movie. She smiled politely & just said 'that's great; good luck'. Then I went to my table (where the guys I was meeting with had already been ogling her all morning before I got there), and she went to hers. She didn't say goodbye to me when she left a little while later.

Even as awkward & quiet as our interactions always are nowadays, she seemed even more reserved than usual this time, and I can't help but think it has something to do with the rift between her brother & I. Who knows.

And she looked just...gorgeous. At eight-o-fucking-clock in the morning, she could have stopped traffic a mile away. I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen her look so good, and that's saying something.

So, here I stand, having spent the past year trying to work past all this stuff, about to embark upon the biggest adventure of my life, proud of myself & excited for the first time ingod knows how long, looking forward to the future & enjoying the present....and then, out of the blue, there she is.

And I don't care.

Stop clapping; it's not what you think...I mean, I care. I still love her & I always will; but my life doesn't revolve around that fact anymore. For once, I'm out here doing something for me, and not her. I have a life to live, and she apparently has hers; I saw a glimpse of it this morning. And yes, I'm here writing about it now & thinking about it here now...but this is where I'm going to leave it, here on the page. it's not coming with me this time. I got stuff to do. And I don't even have any more time to waste writing about it.

See you guys in a month, and wish me luck. I gotta hit the road...

What a Long, Strange, Trip it's Been...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Wed, 2 Aug 2006 01:05:00 -0500

Hi. Miss me? Don't answer that....

Anyway, the answer is no; I haven't left the country, or been in prison, or died, or found a girlfriend, or anything exciting like that. Yes, I did say a while back that I was getting a little weary of dwelling on the past all the time, and I guess I still am, but that's not really what's been keeping me away, either. No....the real answer is that I've been trying to be...brace yourselves...responsible.

Over the last month or so, pre-production on the movie I'm directing has shifted into high gear (or if there is a gear higher than high, then it's shifted into that one). I've been working on it literally around-the-clock, mostly out of town, or out of the house at the very least, and I've had precious little time to think, much less blog. I've even had to relinquish my actual paying writing gigs; I simply haven't had the time to get them done. And, although I've truly missed hearing from all of you on all the various misadventures that have been my life, I knew that the amount of time that I used to afford this blog (which was considerable for one as lazy as me) was simply better spent concentrating on what is undoubtebly the biggest opportunity I've ever had in my life.

I still have a hard time believing that this thing is actually happening; I've really only just wrapped my head around that fact in the last several weeks. But it is happening...in a big way...and it's all up me now to make it happen right. Well, not all up to me; there are other people involved (thank god), but I have more responsibility on my shoulders now than I've ever had...people literally have their entire fortunes riding on me right now, and it's getting pretty heavy. In fact, as I sit here pouring all this out, I find myself surprised that I haven't been blogging about it; this is pretty therapudic...I guess I've just forgotten how much. We start shooting in just 4 short weeks, and the pressure is really starting to become overwhelming. I just hope I can pull it off...

For basically all of June & July, I had nightly panic attacks (not literally, but close) about the script; it just wasn't as good as I knew we needed to make it, and it took almost 2 months of hardcore wrangling & wrestling with the writer to get it into a shape that I felt comfortable with. It's still not 100% there, in my opinion, but it's what we've got, and I'll have to make it the best I can with what I have to work with. I always imagined my first big picture would be one that I'd written myself, and could have more control over, but I'm not sure I would have been any less nervous about it had that been the case. Then, a few weeks ago, we started having some huge personality clashes between some important members of our crew, and both the producer & I lost many nights of sleep wondering how to handle the situation; who to fire, who to keep, what to do in general...and truthfully, I'm not completely satisfied with some of the folks we've decided to go with, but there's nothing I can do about it now but to hope that everyone is able to play nice together & that the film isn't brought down by too much behind-the-scenes drama. I'm doing a lot of hoping lately...which I guess some would consider a step in the right direction for me, whatever the reason.

And to top it all off, I've actually had to get...horror of horrors...a cell phone (god, just typing it makes me cringe). It was totally forced upon me by my producing partner, and I told him that I knew it was expensive, and I knew it was important that I had one, and that I appreciated it very much...and that I would really, really try with all my heart not to throw this one out the car window at 75 MPH...really. So far, so good. It helps that I was able to set Tubular Bells as my ringtone...

So, that's why I've been gone, and what I've been doing. And I can't honestly say how often I'll be able to be back until it's all over & done with...sometime around the first of October. At which time, I'll either be the happiest guy on the block, or wind up drinking my sorrows away in the nearest alley...and we all know how well I handle alcohol. I've tossed around the idea of making a blog to chronicle the making of the movie, but 1. I'm not sure I'd ever have the time to write in it, and 2. that would require me to reveal my secret identity...but I'm not so sure that's such a big deal to me anymore. Reason being, all the stuff & all the people in my past that I've been hiding from simply doesn't bother me all that much nowadays. Maybe that's just because I haven't had a spare moment to worry about such things, but whatever the reason, it's felt pretty good.

I haven't spoken to or heard from Roxanne (boy, it has been a while since I've blogged; I almost typed her real name) in over 2 months now, and honestly, I really haven't thought much about it, either. I have no idea what she's up to, or who she's up to it with...although I doubt anything has changed in that department. For the record, her brother Jerry & I haven't talked since our little falling out, either...and I'm almost ashamed to say that my life has been much less stressful, at least on that front, ever since. Sometimes you just gotta let things go (yes, that was me that you just heard say that). In a lot of ways, this project accomplished more than I ever thought it would.

My mom finally bought herself a little house down the road, and my long-lost little sister is now back in my life proper, and doing very well. In fact, she's freakin' amazing; she's the smartest, prettiest, most well-adjusted kid you could ever meet, especially considering all that she's been through, which is considerable. We hit it off right away, and it was like we'd never been apart for five minutes. her mom is still stable, and although they're still having a lot of financial troubles, I've been helping them all I can, and my other sister has, as well. I'm thrilled that I have a little sister again, and the only bad thing about it is that now I realize just what a wonderful person's life that I missed out on all those years that she was gone. Thankfully, we have a lifetime to make up for it.

Alan & his wife had the baby a few weeks ago, and she was healthy as a horse & the cutest little thing you ever saw. Alan & I didn't get the name we wanted for her (his wife vetoed it for some ridiculous reasons that we'll never understand), but we at least got the same initials, which is what we planned to refer to her by anyway, so that's all good.

Lanie is still...Lanie, but she's doing well, and is finally over her ex-boyfriend, after months of pining & whining that made even me weary. To give herself something to focus on, she's now dedicating herself to the imminately attainable task of saving the life of every single goddamn stray cat on the planet, so if you see one hanging around outside your house that looks hungry, call her...she'll drive right over. And then she'll probably bring it over here. And make me sneeze. Again.

The rest of the idiot friends are all pretty much ok, too. Pete hasn't left his house in about 3 months, ever since he got World of Warcraft for a birthday present from our other friend Barry, who hasn't left his house in about six months.. Ted is going to be doing some of the music for the movie, as he's a phenomenal blues guitarist, so we've been working closely on that. My younger brother wrapped his beautiful '83 Skylark around a telephone pole while driving home drunk one night, so things are par for the course with him, too. All in all, it's pretty much the same ol' song....I just haven't had as much time to listen to it anymore.

And, of course, there was Superman. What can I say that hasn't been said already. I'm getting all vechlempt just thinking about it...

And to all my friends out there in blogland; I miss you all & I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep up with any of you or your written lives like I'd like to. Frankie, Jamy, Brooklyn, Chica, Manda, Pro-Divorce, Bibliotecha, Paige, Charlotte, Vegas, Painkey, Pookalu, Mazer....and everybody else; I love you all & hope you've been doing fantastic...really & truly. Don't think I haven't thought about ya', 'cus I have, and I do so often. And, actually, I have kept up with most of you the best I can, even if you haven't known it.

But, for now at least, I have to leave you all with a certain amount of uncertainly (that would be a great album title...if people still made albums); I'll be around, but I'll also be pretty distracted for the next month or two. I leave town for good in a couple of weeks, and I'll be gone through the rest of August & all of September. I do most definitely plan to continue blogging when I get back, and maybe even while I'm gone if I have the chance, but I can't really say how prolific I'll be while I'm so focused on other things. If I screw this film up, I'll be...well, screwed, so for now, I'm going to have to concentrate on the task at hand.

So, that brings us to here...the uncertain future of the Ex-Boyfriend. I'm honestly more nervous than I've ever been in my life...or at least since the night I woke up and found that note from Kara on my roommate's bathroom mirror. And this time, I can't just try to fix it all by running away to the mountains. I'm about to have one of my dreams finally come true, but in the dream, it was always easy...this has been harder so far than I ever would have imagined. But I'll pull it off...somehow. I think. I hope. And when it's all over & done, the drinks are on me...even if I just have a soda.

Anyway, I gotta quit rambling & get to bed at a decent hour (still not used to that yet), but I guess I just wanted to drop in & say hi....and to tell everyone thanks for sticking around. I'll try not to be gone too long, but who knows what will happen. Oh, and for anyone dying of suspense because I never finished the J.C. story, I'll just spoil it for ya': we broke up. Now pick your jaws up off the floor & move on...I'm trying to.

Love ya'...be back soon!
-X

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 11:34:00 -0500

Ya' Know...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 05:08:00 -0500

I wanna write somethin'...I swear I do. So...here's somethin'. More later...

Ugh

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 5 Jun 2006 14:24:00 -0500

Well, I meant to write before now, but I caught a gnarly stomach bug this weekend & didn't feel like doin' much o' nothin'...so there.

Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.

We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.

Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.

But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.

Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...

Sick of Bein' Sick...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Thu, 1 Jun 2006 03:57:00 -0500

I think there's something seriously wrong with me...

Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'; that's what we've been reading about all this time, right? Maybe so. All I know is that a couple of conversations I had last night just got me to thinking about my life, and just how much I've actually progressed in trying to get out from under the shadow of my past, and I wasn't too thrilled with what I saw. I should be better. I should feel better.

Not that I really feel bad, or sad, or depressed or anything....I'm just not sure I feel too much of anything lately...at least not like I should. Oh sure, I was pissed that X-Men sucked, and I'm excited about Superman, but those things don't count. But why is it I can get excited about someone else's movie, and not my own? I'm working on what is, for all intents & purposes, the project I've dreamed about since I was 10 years old...my own actual movie...and I'm treating it like it's just another job. In other words, I'm putting as little effort into it as possible, and even after all this time, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's actually happening. And I sure don't want to feel this apathetic when I'm standing there on the set in a few months....I know I'll look back on it years from now & I'll never forgive myself. Now there's something I'm good at...never forgiving myself.

Ok, fine...I've had some rough things happen in my life in the past year...but I've had plenty of good things, too. And it's not like I sit and dwell on the bad ones...I just don't spend enough time thinking about the good ones. And I'm afraid I'm just used to doing that not; that it's become second nature. And I don't like that.

I started this blog almost a year ago now, ostensibly to try and figure out why all my relationships keep going to hell, and why I keep letting them...and letting it cast a shadow over the rest of my life. I've spent the last 20 years of my life living in the past, pining for the ones that got away, and overlooking those in my present because of it, somehow always trying to lay the blame for it all at Kara's feet, or Veronica's, or even Andi's. But I know I can't blame all my problems on my failed relationships anymore. Truth be told, I feel like I've dealt with a lot of those demons now, through this project. I spent almost a dozen years wondering every day about what might have happened between me & Kara, but since I finished writing her story a couple of months back, she's barely crossed my mind at all. When I say barely crossed, that means I might only think about her once or twice a week, but still, it's been a big step. I know something good has come out of writing all this.

But it hasn't solved everything. I still carry enough guilt with me to weigh down an army. Guilt about all the years I spent with Veronica, just wasting time in both of our lives & keeping us both from finding someone we might truly have been happy with; knowing the whole time that I shouldn't be where I was, but sticking around anyway. And yes, I know it takes two to tango, and it was her choice to be there, too....but I should have done the right thing long, long before I did. I feel like I literally stole part of her life away from her, and cost her the chance to have what she really wanted; a family, and the life that goes with it. She hung around as long as I would let her, and I let her because it was comforting to have her around, even knowing that she'd be better off elsewhere, and that if I cared enough, I'd see that she got there. But I didn't. Funny thing about it is, she's with someone else now, and hopefully happy finally. I'm here alone at 3 in the morning talking to you guys....

And that's only part of the guilt. I haven't even mentioned Roxanne yet....

But that's my own fault, too. This whole self-imposed relationship exile I've been on for 2 years now is a prison of my own devising. I know I don't have to be alone here, I just....am. I'm sure there is someone out there who would be here with me right now to take my mind off of it, if I would just let it happen. But, I can't seem to get excited or motivated about that part of my life again, either. Maybe it's just that the right person hasn't come along yet, but who's to say I'd know it if they did? Or if I'd react any differently? I sure as hell didn't when the right person came along before...

Speaking of whom, since all the drama a couple of months ago, my entire comminication with Roxanne since then has consisted of this e-mail exchange from few weeks ago.

ME: Hi...

HER: hi to you

ME: How ya' doin?

HER: crazy busy, but very well. you?

ME: I'm gettin' by. Just wondering how you were.

HER: i wish for you to do much more than just get by

ME: I wish for a lot of things....

Profound, I know.

When I told Lanie about that exchange, after she stopped slapping me, she asked me just how much longer I plan to keep putting myself through this...and I wished I had an answer for her. But I was too busy being slapped. I'm wondering now, though, if the real answer might be 'when I don't feel guilty about it anymore'. When I no longer stay awake at night knowing that I took her away from a promising career & a great life she had built for herself, only to bring her back down here & break her heart the first time I get a little freaked out. And then somehow convince her that I saw the error of my ways, only to do the same damn thing again almost immidiately. And no, I'm sure I didn't exactly make her switch teams, as it were, but I know damn well that it played some sort of factor; I know I said some things to her in the heat of the moment that would surely make me insecure with the opposite sex from then on if I were in her shoes. Things that weren't true. Things that I still feel guily about...

And yes, I know that other people's lives are their own, and I'm not responsible for them...but it's hard knowing that I made someoneI care so much about feel so bad. Again, and again...more guilt. But maybe that's not the answer; I mean, even if the guilt all magically dried up tomorrow, I'd still feel the same way about her...

But is that really what's wrong? Maybe. The time frame fits, since I don't think I've really been happy or excited about anything in about five years now. But I'm still not sure it's that simple. After all, when I look back on it, I wasn't feeling all that happy or excited when we were together in the first place. I know it wasn't anything to do with her, but she took the fall for it. So, what was it then? Sure, I had a lot of issues & stuff that I placed the blame on back then, and I know that was a lot of it...but was it all of it? Was I actually right in doing what I did? Could that be possible? Were we not supposed to be together in the first place, and my feelings back then were trying to tell me just that? Possibly...but my feelings aren't the most trustworthy ones in the world, so I wouldn't count on it.

So....hell, I dunno. I just know that I'm tired. And most of the time I can ignore it 'cus I'm so used to feeling that way, but sometimes I get hit in the face with reality, and I realize just how much of a mess I still am....and I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm back at square one here, in a lot of ways, even though I know I'm not really. I mean, I know I'm not crazy (not totally, anyway), I know I'm not depressed (I was depressed once, and I sure don't feel anywhere near that bad anymore), I know I'm not totally incapable of having a relationship if I were to actually keep my head in the present & try, I know that I have a lot of great opportunities ahead of me...but I take them all for granted, like I've always done. And now, I'm about to do something I've always wanted to do...and I'm sure I'll do it well...but I'd just like to be able to have a little bit of fun again.

I'd like to wake up with a smile on my face, and sing Journey songs loudly in the shower. I'd like to drive down the street & not see something that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend. I'd like to meet someone & not constantly compare her to someone else. I'd like to stop living in the shadow of every bad relationship I've ever had. And, above all, I'd really like to stop freakin' whining about it...

And yet here I still am. And now it's four in the morning....

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Mon, 29 May 2006 01:26:00 -0500

I'm workin' on it; I promise....

On the Road Again

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Sat, 20 May 2006 17:21:00 -0500

Well, I'm off to Savannah again this weekend to take care of some movie stuff....and hopefully some much-needed beach time. Apparently, we'll be staying at the home of the lady who played the abused daughter in Mommie Dearest, so I'm bringing extra wire hangers. And, since being on the road usually makes me pretty contemplative & introspective, I'm sure I'll have at least something to write about when I get back in a few days.

I've been thinking a lot about the other blog idea I talked about the other day, and I think that I'm gonna continue here for the time being, whether I'm talking about the past or not....sometimes, I just need to talk, period. Thanks for all the comments you guys left in the last week; I've taken many of them to heart, even if I haven't said so. I'm gonna hit the road...hope it doesn't hit back. See ya Tuesday...

exbf@comcast.net (ExBf) — Tue, 16 May 2006 12:08:00 -0500

Alright; I stole this from Dating Dummy's blog, but I wanted to do my own research. Just curious what you guys think...
Discuss....

Have you ever had a Blog Crush and would you date that person?
	Yes, I've had a blog crush, and yes I'd go out on a date with that person.
	Yes, I've had a blog crush, but I wouldn't go out on a date with that person.
	No, I haven't had a blog crush, but I'd go out on a date if the right one came along.
	No, I haven't had a blog crush, and no I wouldn't date a blogger.

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