Skinny Girl... In a Fat Girl's Body...

10 Months Post OP today...

2019-04-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

304...Days since surgery...
95.3...Pounds Lost after Surgery...
146...Total Pounds lost Since January 2018...
73...Percent to goal set with Nutritionist...
too many to count...Things I've learned about myself along the way...

You would think since losing the weight of 662 Blueberry Muffins I would know it all or be perfect all of the time and never have issues, you would be wrong. Each day is another step in my journey. Some days are great, like when a random person tells you that you look sexy and all you can say back is thank you, even though you don't ever remember being called that in your entire life and then you start to wonder, why wasn't I sexy before? Am I only sexy because I have lost the weight? Because a year ago I hated the person looking back at me and I was ready to just give up because I was never going to lose the weight on my own. There are tons of beautiful sexy big gals out there but I was never in that category. Or am I now sexy because I like who I am becoming? Are they noticing me in a different way now because I carry myself with more pride in how I look and feel? Is that why? Is it really our attitude that makes us sexy or beautiful? Is it confidence?

I keep saying I still have a ways to go to get to goal weight, but by the numbers I am closer to the "finish line" than the starting gate... But the track just took an uphill turn... Being 10 months out my body is starting to adjust an the weight isn't coming off nearly as fast. This is when I really need to be smarter and wiser in my choices...

I used to hate having my photo taken and now I am torn on how I feel... I don't always know who the person is looking back at me... But then I don't always really remember what I looked like a little over a year ago since I didn't like mirrors either...

I need to remember not to nit pick myself and remember I am still changing everyday... the journey isn't over...

A Brand New Me...giving yourself TIME

2018-11-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

Each day as my body changes, I am learning how my mind s changing as well... When you take yourself and your life for granted for so long because you feel like nothing you do makes your situation better, that when you finally take a leap of faith and things start getting better it puts a lot of things in perspective...

Time is a big one for me... I realize even more so now after the year I have been through, of how important time is... Whether it is spending time with family or friends, spending time doing things you love...Or spending time doing for others, time is so important... For years I wasted so much time focusing on the negative that life started passing me by... I literally blinked and I went from being in High School to fast forward 26 years later... So much of that time I was unhappy and hiding within an ever growing shell of a human... I didn't know how to stop the destructive behavior...

When I came to the realization that if I didn't do something drastic, I was probably not going to outlive my Mom or my Aunts and Uncles, I knew I had no other answer but to seek out the question inside of me... Do I want to die young? And of course the screaming response was NO!!!! And after all of the years of my doctors suggesting a possible solution, it took my coworkers husbands own similar journey, to lead me to where I am now...

Do I know whats down this next leg of the journey? No, but I know I will do better about spending time with my family and friends... I will seek out Adventure and stop taking myself and what I am capable of doing for granted... I will utilize my God given talents to help others and to continue to share my journey and not be ashamed because through God's help, I AM an OVERCOMER!!!

A Brand new me...4 months

2018-10-28T19:23:00.003-07:00

So I am at my 4 month post op and everyday is an adventure... It's an adventure in eating, in dressing, in how my body reacts to different situations whether through what I have eaten, drank or physical activity... I have more energy and some days I'm hungry some days I'm trying to make up all day for not getting enough... Sometimes my stomach is happy and sometimes...well it's not...

I am down from a size 30 to a size 24 in my work uniform (costume)... 110.8 pounds since February and of that 62.9 pounds since my surgery date...

Today I was able to sit on the couch and bend forward and paint my toe nails without having to become a contortionist! It's the little things...

Every day is an adventure...

This coming weekend I'm walking a 5k at my hospital. I'm looking for sponsors to help others like me, find freedom from Obesity... To become an Overcomer!!! Please consider sponsoring me...

https://fundraise.asmbsfoundation.org/team/6773

A brand new chapter...3 month post op

2018-09-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

It has been a wild and crazy ride this past 3 months since I laid on the operating table. I have had highs and a some lows but I am seeing a new side of myself I haven't seen in a long time. Many have pointed out the happiness they see in me again and I feel it. I'm really starting to like who I see in the mirror again, feeling like all of my hard work is paying off.

People ask how my depression is and I can say not as many down moments as before but they aren't gone. There are many evenings like tonight where I just feel sadness. Not 100% sure why I am feeling it but I am. The tears on the verge of spilling and so many things swirling through my mind. But I will lay down and pray and hopefully when I awake the feelings will have passed.

Musicsongbird

A Brand new chapter... one week down

2018-07-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

This past week and been one of rejuvenation and realization...

I'm feeling stronger each day and physically better as well, despite the itchy belly from the incisions healing... I've went from all protein drinks to pureed food... It's amazing how good it feels to eat BBQ Chicken again... Even after it's been run through the magic bullet... Since I have to avoid sugar I have found a delicious Sugar Free BBQ sauce and a decent SF Ranch Dressing... In a matter of days I will be able to move on to solid foods which is very exciting!!!

I am definitely seeing differences in my size and am fitting into a few thins that were tight before or stopped fitting well all together... I can't wait to start donating things I no longer fit because they are too big!!!

I've been having these moments where I don't feel any different despite the fact that my stomach is now considered a pouch and can only hold 5 oz instead of 128 oz... Mind blown... I told my mom that I wish I could see inside my body so that I can actually see what was done to make me a better, healthier me...

My biggest realization this week is how much I am cared for... I know I have friends and family that care about me, but I guess you never know just how much until you go through something like this... I am truly blessed by the outpouring of love, support and generosity I have received... I firmly believe that when you go through something like this or worse, you find out what people truly think and feel about you...

Thank you so much to everyone that has been helping me through this journey... I am excited to see where we go from here...

A brand new chapter - Pre Op

2018-06-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

January 28, 2018

8... the age I started gaining weight
44... my current age
185... my weight my 8th grade year
383 ... my last weigh in at the Doctor's office
0... What I have to lose
Everything... What I have to gain

I have finally reached my breaking point...

I contacted my Doctor in the beginning of January asking about my options and now I am waiting to speak to the Bariatric Surgery Center... This isn't a decision I made over night... I thought about it, prayed about it, researched it online and spoke to friend who's husband has been through it recently...

I am not taking any of this lightly... I am educating myself before I go through with it... I am going to an information session this week and calling the Doctor's office since my referral was approved... So now all I can do is wait a few more hours and I will see which direction my life will be heading...

January 30, 2018

I haven't had anxiety like this since my Freshman year of college... I have had a couple of minor anxiety attacks, but nothing major...

Tomorrow is the day... I will be attending an info session so I can learn more about bariatric surgery...

Up until a month or so ago, my only experience or knowledge I have had is from friends and friends relatives that went through it years ago... One the person almost died and what was truly scary is that she wasn't having the surgery for the right reasons... the other person I knew that went through it ended up being cut straight down the middle and now she is scared... So I always thought there was no way I would go through it...

That is until my co-worker's husband went through it, and I really learned about the advances they have made since all of those years ago... I have asked subtle questions about the procedure... How his recovery is going, she even told me that she likes how I ask how he is doing... So it benefits her and me...

I just want to be fully prepared for what move coming very soon...

January 31, 2018

So tonight was a huge step... we went to the information session, mom and I and I learned quite a lot about gastric bypass and it's options... I also learned something that was probably the most important thing i could have learned...

I have a disease... Obesity is a disease... It is a genetic disease... Even when I maintain a healthy eatting style and I exercise, I will never make it down to a size 2... My body won't allow it... My body and I are in a war... I start Losing weight and my body retaliates by slowing down my metabolism...

I finally have an answer to some of my issues... Now I am starting to really understand why my body does what it does... Within the next week, I will be starting down a new path, surrounded by people that understand this disease and can help me truly battle it head on... Not just through the surgery, but also by giving me the tools to be successful...

To take me to a point where I am truly healthy! Back to feeling better physically but also emotionally...

February 12, 2018

So life isn't getting any easier right now... I have my appointments set to meet my Doctor and start meeting with the Nutritionist, however they are still another week away... And anytime I try and do any physical activity, I ended breathing like the big bad wolf... Huff and Puff...

Never in my wildest of nightmares did I ever think I would get to this place in my life where walking around the office would cause me to lose my breath... or getting in and out of a car... or just putting on socks and shoes... I was always fit fat... Meaning I was active... I only got out of breath very rarely... But something happened in the past year that all of it started coming crashing down around me...

Part of me knows it is partially due to my body saying you are doing too much, but I also had some pretty stressful moments between work and getting a new car... Then the highs of traveling home for a week for my nephews wedding and then a speedy trip to Paris... My body literally hit a brick wall when it took on the Flu not once but twice in a 2 month time span... It's no wonder I have no energy now...

But there is a light that is ever looming brighter at the end of the proverbial tunnel... I just need to remember to be patient... That there are many steps between now and surgery... Then the journey really begins... Learning how to deal with my new plumbing in this remodeled home my spirit resides in...

February 20, 2018

This past week has been incredibly rough health wise... Major anxiety attacks causing breathing issues... Medication given to help with the breathing gives major migraine... The worst one I have had in months...Doctor informs you that you have gained 25 pounds in less than 4 months... Getting around is getting worse... I shouldn't be almost hyperventilating after walking down the hall at work or after using the bathroom...

On the good side, the more I share with family and friends the less stress I feel... The more support I feel... My favorite reaction would have to be from my niece... She was so excited for me... It meant so much that she reacted in that way...

I had a huge self revelation this past week... While having dinner with my bestie we started talking about my journey for all of these years and how I have always kept so much to myself when it came to my weight battle... I realized as we were talking that the reason I have kept so much to myself is that when I try and fail at something like losing weight, I only disappoint myself, but when others know and I fail, I feel as though I disappoint others... This was a huge thing for me to admit...

As I take this new journey I am more open to having people in my corner... I now realize that I need others to know... I need their support...

March 7, 2018

So I am slowly moving towards my surgery day, which isn't set yet... I have met with my primary physician and received all of my clearances required from him... I met with the PA at the Bariatric center and the nutritionist... My nutritionist gave me some steps to start on my journey... I have to practice eating at the kitchen table when I eat my meals... NO more CAR eating... I need to cut my carb intake in half... and i have to walk at least 5 minutes each day on my days off... Baby steps...

Honestly, I have not been doing fantastic on any of those, but after talking with my Mom we are going to start making the changes this week... It's hard to be committed when the person you live with isn't on the same page and that is why communication is vital... After talking it over with her she said she was ready to be a great supporter for me...

Today I met with the pulmonologist and got the ball rolling for that clearance... I am still waiting on two more appointments, the cardiologist and the psych evaluation...

I have feeling pretty confident and a bit anxious but I know that I have to get through all of this in order to get to my goal of a healthier happier me...

March 17 2018

So much has bee happening over the past two weeks... Every day starts with me saying, OK we are going to drink more water, we are going to get up from the desk and move more and we are going to be mindful of the calories and carbs... Well, I get past breakfast and then something happens and the rest of the day is out the window.... But I keep trying and each day I get a little better...

Still waiting to hear from the cardiologist, so hopefully Monday I will have an appointment with them...

Then my blood work came back and I see that I am pre-diabetic... My A1C is up from where it was earlier this year and to be honest it freaks me out a little, but I know if I really get working on what the nutritionist says I know that number will come down...

So another week begins, a plan is in place and at weeks end I meet with the nutritionist for appointment number 2...

May 24, 2018

It's been sometime since my last post and I am literally just one appointment away from everything be submitted to the insurance company for approval... As of my last weigh in at the 1st of May, I am 19 pounds closer to my goal weight... Tomorrow I will find out officially where I stand with my weight loss...

I will say that my clothes are definitely fitting more loose... I have great friends that have been supporting me and keeping my secret but only one that has actually come out and said they see a difference already...

I have just 3 days remaining where I will have normal meals... Then the liquid diet begins...

I am ready...

Truth bomb

2018-04-04T13:29:00.001-07:00

So I'm going to say something that is probably going to stir up some discussion... But it's a major truth bomb...

Overweight people are discriminated against more than anyone else on earth and apparently it's ok...

As humans we are visual beings, we see size, shape and color, and anyone who says they don't look at people that way is not necessarily being honest... Just listening to people's conversations on a daily basis you know it's true... Stop and listen how people describe others and you will see...

Black, white, Asian, Arabic, Muslim, tall, short, muscular, scrawny, skinny, thin, curvaceous... We have all used some or all of these to describe the way a person looks...

But when it comes to people that are overweight they use terms like Fat, Husky, Plus size, Rotund, Obese and phrases like Fatty, fatso, elephant, beached whale and blubber butt just to name a few I have personally been called... And this isn't just children taunting when I was younger... Adults are even more cruel because they know better and sadly the media says it's ok... Comedians even do it... And so being the happy fat girl I am supposed to have thick skin and just let it roll off... Because according to others, I just don't try hard enough to lose weight... I eat too much and it's my own fault...

So I am sure many of you are saying people are discriminated for their color, their sexual orientation, their beliefs, etc... But the media says all of that is bad and wrong... Which it is, but overweight people very often aren't given an opportunity to speak up, they are seen and people automatically assume you are overweight for the above reasons... When some may be, many especially those that are labeled obese have a genetic disorder... They are predisposed to the fat gene...

Basically your body goes into fight or flight when you start losing weight... It starts slowing down your metabolism and storing fat because it thinks you are starving yourself even when you are eating right and exercising regularly...

I have been battling my body since I was in the 3rd grade... I was always athletic through school and after for awhile and I have always been fat...

We need to change the mindset that mocking people due to their size is NOT OK... And Using self deprecating humor only tears ourselves down...

Celebrate day ...6

2018-02-20T18:23:00.002-08:00

As I have spoken about before, I suffer from migraines and today was one of the worst I have had in I can't remember when... I feel like I have been having a really rough time for awhile and this just was the cherry on the top of the sundae... Right now I just feel like enough is enough...

I need my breathing back, because I am dealing with some breathing issues as well... The doctor says my lungs are clear and my heart is good but I think its more anxiety driven than anything else... Hopefully my return visit to the doctor will help resolve this...

Until then I will continue to take it easier than I am used to and be patient...

Celebrate...Day 5

2018-01-27T15:56:00.002-08:00

Today I celebrate my oldest brother... He is celebrating his 55th birthday!

He is 10 years older than me, so growing up he was more out of the house than in the house... Meaning by the the time I was hitting double digits (10), he was already out of the house...

I remember going to the High School when he was playing Football and the crowd chanting for him when he would kick off... Then I remember when he graduated and moved into his first place... I remember his water bed and Farrah Faucet poster... LOL He was so cool... Then I remember his T.A., it was bright red with T tops and a black bra... He was so cool that when I was Senior he let me drive it to a School Dance! I remember him when he was Weight Lifting in Competitions and winning trophys and just being in awe of him...

I remember when he became a Father and then a Step Father and now a Pa!

Even though life has happened for both over the years I know that he is there for me whenever I need him...

Happy Birthday Big Brother...

Celebrate...Day 4

2018-01-23T19:22:00.001-08:00

It has been a whirlwind of a few days and despite another illness and more meds to get better, I am keeping a bright outlook each day...

Last night I was handed some pretty sad news... A schoolmate of mine that I have known since Elementary School lost her battle with cancer... She was only 44 years young, still in the prime of her life and this horrible disease took her from this world... It's crazy because I haven't really spoken to her directly in years, probably since High School but when you have known someone for so many years it's hard to not be affected... I feel sorrow for her family, for all of her friends and for all of us who's lives were touched by her...

Tonight I celebrate her life and the memories I have with her...

Celebrate...Day 3

2018-01-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

So very often I come to the end of the day and it's off to bed without a single thought, but tonight my brain won't shut off... Plus despite a great day at work there is something in the background of my mind something I can't quite understand what is making me feel a bit down...

I am sure it is the things that go unspoken in my bog, the things I am not ready to discuss, to reveal... Perhaps it's a bit of anxiety or maybe my mind is just trying to deal with past situations...

I know I have written about my depression before but despite being someone who does well with sharing her thoughts and words, honestly sometimes the words won't come... They are trapped, sort of like the covers of a book holding in the story before a paged is turned...

But I will celebrate my ability to share my thoughts and insights... My ability to share something I love; writing...

What will you celebrate today?

Celebrate... day 2

2018-01-17T14:32:00.001-08:00

What an incredible day! Even though nothing extraordinary happened in my life per say, I'm just happy that I woke up this morning and was able to get up out of bed, even though I wanted to sleep a bit longer, and get myself moving to go to work.

I believe this will be my year to celebrate... To purposefully find something in everyday that is worth celebrating. With all of the crap going on in the world, my life is too short to focus on the sadness and anger that too many are falling into.

Are you alive? Do you have a pulse? Then Celebrate! Even in the midst of sadness, find a reason to celebrate... I know it sounds crazy but people do other things much crazier in order to find a little "happiness" in their lives... plus my celebrations don't have to cost anything... well unless ours celebrating National Popcorn Day, which happens to be this Friday and really, how can you go wrong with popcorn...

#celebrate2018

Celebrate...Day 1

2018-01-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

I just saw that I have been writing this blog for over 6 years and it has been a lot of ups and a few downs but I hope that some of the things I have shared will help someone... Being out of the blogging mode for some time I realized that mentally I feel so much better when I can release what is built up in side...

But today I choose to Celebrate a new year and new choices and new experiences and I will go from here...

Remember to give thanks everyday...

2017-11-25T20:14:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again... Thanksgiving just past, a reminder that we are thankful for our family and friends... And now Christmas is just a few short weeks ahead of us and we are all frantically racing around trying to find the perfect gift for everyone on our list to make someone happy... But in the end does it really make them happy? Or is it the fact that we took the time to find that gift for them what really makes them happy?

I'm sure for many people it's the fact that they have gained more, sadly. But I feel like the older I get the less I truly want. I guess I am getting to the point, if I really want something, I don't need to wait until Christmas to buy it... In fact, my Mom and I made an agreement that this year it would be no gifts... We would rather spend the money on things we need for the house or on fun things to do together to make memories... Like day trips or dinners out to new places...

The other thing I realize I don't do enough is give thanks for the small things each day... I'm not thankful for my family and friends just once a year, so I need to let them know more often... Just like we shouldn't wait until Valentine's day to let someone know we love them...

Maybe if we spent more time being thankful for the little things in life, the big things in life will be easier to handle because they won't seem so big anymore...

My goal this week is to try and be nicer to others and be more understanding... And to give thanks for the small things, not just the big things...

Thank you to all of you that continue to join me on my journey...

Getting back to life...

2017-11-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

Trying to settle in since the trip has been an adjustment... If you have never traveled overseas, it isn't just a cultural change, even though that was short, but the time change was really big for me for some reason... And now a week later I am finally feeling physically better, other than the fact that I think I am coming down with a cold... Now it's time to pay off the trip I just took all while facing holiday merriment that is coming our way in less than 2 months now...

It's crazy to think that Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away and Christmas is right behind it... If I had really planned I could have taken care of Christmas while in Paris, but that would have probably required buying another suitcase to bring stuff back in, instead of a cute shoulder bar with a zipper... So now the planning begins, usually by now I have a bunch of things done but this year I just don't know if I am up for it... Emotionally, mentally, I don't know if I want to go to all the work of decorating when it is just Mom and I and the occasional rare visitor...

I remember going through these feelings when my Dad went to heaven 19 years ago... The no desire to decorate, to just let things go and be business as usual... Maybe I will change my mind by Thanksgiving... or maybe we will just forgo the decorations... Besides, Christmas isn't about all of the decorations or the tree, it's spending time with those you love and celebrating Christ's birth...

Maybe if we spent more time focusing on each other and our gift of time and less on how much we can spend, the Holiday Season would feel different for all of us... Maybe if I focus on giving more of myself, I will find what I need to fill this gap...

Did someone say Adventure - Day 2

2017-10-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had the most extraordinary opportunity thanks to one of my life long friends... As I had mentioned in my previous post I was jetting off to Paris, France and now I am home and have had a few days to ponder the trip and kind of absorb everything I saw and experienced... I could go on about specifics about walking up and down stairs and riding the metro and all of the different sites we saw along the way but there was one moment in particular that kind of sat me down, both figuratively and literally...

On our second day of the trip the weather was less than ideal... in fact the sky decided it was going to let lose on us and keep us pretty much wet for most of the day... Now not only was it cold but it was wet and these are less than ideal conditions to walking anywhere... But we weren't going to let anything stand in our way... We made our way through the city until we found the Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Paris... To go from seeing it animated in Disney's Hunchback to seeing it live and in person was quite spectacular... The line to enter wound back from the door a few hundred yards and we joined the end...

As we slowly moved forward the details of the carvings all over the building became clearer and clearer... Even more impressive and more beautiful... As we finally made it inside we walked past a counter selling small prayer beads and crosses, along with other items. I removed my wet poncho prior to stepping into the Sanctuary as to not drip all over the place. Despite the differences in the way we worship God, I felt a certain peace wash over me when I entered, a peace I haven't felt in sometime... We walked down the side to see all of the gorgeous Stained glass windows, statues and art that was on display... Aside from people muttering to each other, talking was at a minimum to show respect for those praying in the center pews...
At one point it must have gotten to noisy because a loud Shhhhhhh, was broadcast over the sound system reminding people to be silent... After a few more minutes of photos I felt this urge to sit... To sit and be still... So I found a seat and did just that... I sat, and it wasn't like I had a huge spiritual moment, or I heard an audible voice telling me to do something incredible, but I just felt peace... I felt a calm and I just sat and took it all in...

I know I needed this moment, I am not sure why, but I know in my heart of hearts I just did... Sometimes when you feel that peace you just need to sit and be still... Then take a moment and enjoy the beauty around you...

Did someone Say Adventure - Day 1

2017-10-21T03:50:00.001-07:00

I am about to embark on an incredible journey... I am so excited and nervous and I don't think scared just everything all at once... That feeling I had almost 17 years ago when I was getting ready to take my first trip down to Florida for the 1st time except this time it is across the Big Blue...

I am finally getting to live out a dream to travel outside the country and my first trip is to one of the most romantic cities in the world, Paris... One of art and food and wine and of course Disney!

While I am sad that I won't be sharing this experience with the BFF first hand this time or my Mom who is helping make this trip possible, I am sharing it with one of my oldest and dearest Sister friends and without her we wouldn't even be going... I am so grateful that she texted me all of those months back and asked ab out me having a passport and encouraging me to get mine...

I am ready for my adventure now...

More to come...

@musicsongbird73 on Instagram

Nancee M. on Yelp

Surviving the Storm ... Part 5

2017-10-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the hardest part of Surviving the Storm is when you are going head first through it and you aren't sure what the outcome will be... I have faced so very many storms in my life... Like the emotional storms of losing all 4 of my grandparents, my cousin Jana, my Dear Sweet Dad and now my friend Nick... To the mentally and physically debilitating storm of sexual abuse I survived... To the actual storms I have survived, whether it's been a car accident or a tropical storm, or the end of a friendship, or the end of a job; I have survived that storm...

"In the Eye of the Storm"

Surviving the Storm... Part 4

2017-10-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be a great day from beginning to end but sadly it didn't begin that way... I woke up like any other except that today a new journey was beginning for me... My 2nd decade working at the Most Magical Place on Earth was going to begin and I knew there was going to be a "Surprise" Celebration for me... I was so exited that I took my shower and got ready and headed into work...

But when I got there the mood quickly changed... My co-worker immediately asked me if I had seen my friends Facebook post and when I had said no, I began to scroll and then all of the air went out of me... A young man that I had worked with since I started, had lost his life at the hands of another person yesterday... At first it didn't seem real... I went completely numb and then I looked at my co-worker / Friend and I just started crying... How can this happen to someone so young? To anyone at all? What would drive someone to did this to another human being?

The morning passed in a bit of a blur between bouts of tears and then calmness where I would chat about my upcoming "Surprise" Anniversary celebration that I knew nothing about... After lunch I was calm enough to speak to my leader and let him know why I was not my normal self and he even let me know that if needed to postpone my "Surprise" Celebration, everyone would understand... But I knew the best thing for me and the rest of us that knew this young man was to continue on...

Despite knowing about the party I was surprised and delighted when I walked in the room to see former team members and leaders there that came to support and celebrate along with me... It was also my pleasure that my Magical Twin was there and we celebrated her as well so it made it twice as special... After we received our plaques, cards and service pins; we took photos and ate cake... Then it was time to chat and this gave those of us that knew what had happened the day before a chance to talk about it and grieve together as a family who lost a brother...

I may struggle and stress over my job from time to time and consider what it would be like to leave and do something else, but it is times like today that remind me how important my Disney Family has been to me over the past 10 years and how important they will remain for the next 10...

Thank you for allowing me to continue making the magic each and every day...

Surviving the Storm - Part 3

2017-10-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

Not every storm is forecast, sometimes they just come out of no where... The migraines are back with a vengeance... It sounds like a bad B movie but sadly it's true... The thing that I have had some semblance of control over with medication for the past few years, is no longer being controlled by my prescription... On average I am suffering from migraines at least twice a month now, when I was going months without one... This is not a good thing...

If you have never suffered from this horrible ordeal, it is like a modern version of a medieval torture device... Imagine have a set of clamps attached to either side of your temples and they are slowly being tightened over time... Then as they are tightened your body temperature goes up and down, going somewhere between the hot and cold sweats which cause boughts of nausea and even closing your eyes and laying down doesn't really help... You just pray for rest so that the pain will go away...

This is what I battle... This is my new storm...

Each of us have our storm... We can't always understand what we each are facing, but we can empathize and stand together...

We can survive our Storms together...

Surviving the Storm - Part 2

2017-10-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Returning home after the family festivities was a bag of mixed emotions... The long week spent enjoying time with family, but constantly feeling a mixture of guilt and concern over what was happening in our home and around florida to our friends and neighbors since Irma had past... We already knew that we had been without electricity from Sunday until the following Friday... And we also knew that the roads leading to our home were flooded in both directions, thankfully the day prior to our arriving home, which was Monday, my best friend was finally able to drive through the slowly dropping water safely and get to our house, without having to wade through it and possibly have to defend himself from critters that may be lurking beneath... (I wish I was kidding)

When we got home we were greeted by little furry faces staring and meowing at the door, anxious to snuggle and tell us all about the scary moments while we were away... Upon opening the front door, I was smaked in the face with the smell of must and stale air... I immediately went and kicked the a/c down and turned on ceiling fans to get the air circulating again...

Once I said my hellos to the babies, I got the car unloaded and then I did a walk around the house so I could see for myself the state of where we were at... Just as reported, no major damage and I could rest at ease. We still were looking at water in the street and it was precarious driving through it but on the up side there were county workers running a water pump trying to get the water to go down...

Readjustung to being home and having to get everything cleaned up and cleaned out has taken sometime... When I told my friends I felt guilty for now being here they laugh, but then they said understood... This was definitely a huge learning moment for mom and I because we rode out the last storm a year ago at home, which turned out to be nothing more than horrible winds, thankfully... But when there is a next time, we will be seaking shelter at a hotel, with the babies in tow, because you never know what could happen next time... Some homes in our neighborhood weren't as fortunate as we were... They lost their rooves, their car ports, etc... Not just their electricity and some food in the refridgerator...

It has been almost a month at this point and we still haven't fully refilled our fridge, but I think we are just being smarter with our money and what we buy for now... And not all of the debris is cleaned up around the neighborhood yet, all of these things take time... I don't even know if I am totally cleaned up inside from it yet, but I am trying...

Surviving the Storm - part 1

2017-09-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago this morning, after battoning down the hatches and snuggling my kitties, I began my journey north to meet up with my Mom for my nephews wedding and to take refuge from Irma... Of course when we had planned our trip in January, Irma was never a part of the picture... This was a huge trip for me... I had taken smaller trips alone before, from the STL to Kansas City or Orlando to St. Augustine, but never a 17 hour trip through 6 States (Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois and Missouri)...

This was supposed to be a fun trip where I left after work on Monday and stopped in the Atlanta area to sleep and then continued my journey on Tuesday to meet up with my Family on Wednesday... Well, Irma had other plans... Before I knew it, Mom was on her flight as planned, and then my Super hero Bestie and I were getting the house ready to face the largest hurricane Florida had ever faced... As I drove all I could think of were my friends and "family" that would soon be facing Irma's rath... I found comfort in hearing from friends that would chat with me during the first leg of my journey... My only regret was not stopping enough because upon arriving at my hotel I was in so much physical pain it hurt to walk... So it was an ibuprophen induced sleep after a visit to Whole Foods to find distilled water, the one item I left behind at home...

The next morning I got my stuff together after an amazing night sleep in the Alpharetta Holiday Inn... And headed down for my delicious free breakfast... Yep gonna totally name drop here because this was probably my most favorite place to stay... I will definitely find a reason to stay here at this location again... The ladies at the front desk were so nice and so sweet when I checked in exhausted the afternoon before... I wish I would have written down their names because in the 3 hotels, of the same chain, I stayed in during my entire trip, they are the only ones that actually gave their names and said that if there is anything you need during your stay, let us know... The most comfortable besds, nicest most spacious room and beautifully clean hotel... Fantastic...

So now I was back on the road again... And I was in Tennessee and out and back in... And heading towards Nashville when traffic diverted me around the center and all of the sudden I see the signs for Opryland and I think, A - maybe I could get a picture of the Grand Ole Opry and B - I really need a pit stop... So I pop in the directions for the Grand Ole Opry and head for my first Stop of the Day...

When I pulled in to the lot I was surprised to see it was surrounded by of all things a mall... I don't know why I was that surprised actually but I found the Opry and headed up to see just what it was all about... Out of couriosity I checked out the prices and found the behind the scenes tour was only $26 so I decided to take a break from my travels and take the tour which was departing in just a few minutes... The tour was fantastic, it took you through the history of the Grand Ole Opry and you realize just how small that family and what an honor it truly is to be asked to join... The most moving part of the entire tour was when we stepped out on the Opry stage and we were allowed to step into the famous wooden circle and have our photo taken singing... Some chose not actually sing but if you wanted to you could sing a line so you could say you sang on the Opry stage...

The trip had been pretty emotional for me and still not knowing what was going to happen with our home and friends and my babies (kitties), inside I was an emotional wreck... Then to step onto the Grand Ole Opry stage, one of the most famous stages in the world where some of the greatest musical artists have stood and be told you can sing whatever you want, I was flooded with emotion... To say I totally lost it was an understatement... I quickly shared with the others that I was from Kissimmee and I was torn apart over leaving everyone behind and then another couple shared that they were from Boca and they also understood what I was going through... The sweet photgrapher came and hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes until I pulled myself together... And even though I thought I was going to sing God Bless America, my heart had other plans...

"The sky shall unfold, preparing His entrance...The Stars shall applaud Him, with thunders of Praise... The sweet light in His eyes, shall, They shall enhance those awaiting, and we Shall Behold Him, then Face to Face.... Oh We Shall, Behold Him, Oh We Shall Behold Him, face to face, in all of His glory.... oh We Shall Behold Him.... Yes We Shall Behold Him, face to face... our Savior and Lord....."

The group went from chattering to silence and then I just stepped away from the mic and everything else was a blur until the tour ended... I think that was God's way of telling me everything was going to be OK, I just didn't knowit yet...

I continued on my trip chatting with my middle brother quite a bit and one of my besties... Then I saw it... Metropolis... The home of Superman and I knew I must stop... Where else are you going to see a 2 story statue of the man of steel... He was larger than life and a beacon for others as well... There were two other families that had stopped as well... They were leaving the south, one returning home from a honeymoon and the other seeking safety from the storm... There was almost an unspoken kinship between us all as we took our photos, wished each other safe travels and then headed our seperate ways...

On the final stretch of my trip I knew I was almost there when I saw a familiar glint in the sky... Past trips "home" have never been so emotional, but I have never really traveled under such circumstances... My brothers had told me to take 255 around the city to avoid all of the downtown craziness but I follwed my gps and I am so glad I did, because that beautiful gateway to the Midwest greeted me towering over the city... My breathe caught and a tear came to my eye as soon as I caught a full glimpse of her... The beautiful Gateway Arch welcomed me Home...

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 26 #JoinMyJourney

2017-08-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best thing you can do is step outside your comfort zone to find out something new about yourself... This weekend I did a little bit of that... Back long ago... That sounds so funny, but it is true... Back long ago when I worked back in the STL, I dressed for work... I dressed for going out... I made a point out of wearing makeup and putting my best face forward always... Silly youth... Or lazy age now... Or possibly I can't always afford paying for my clothes by the yard... but I digress...

Anyways, this weekend I had a bit of a fashionista reawakening you might say due to my nephew's pending nuptials and a semi dressy Yelp event this coming Monday... I remember back in the day when I worked for Lane Bryant and I loved trying on the new clothes when they came in, but that was a good 100 pounds less ago and over 15 years younger ago as well and now trying on clothes is more of a burden than a fashion runway show extravaganza...

During my shopping journey this weekend we traveled to 2 different Torrid's, JcPenney, Macy's and Lane Bryant. Let's just say the 1st and the last were the winning combination and the middle, well just sadness... Without giving too much away about J & M, if you are above a 24, or what they consider to be that size, than just walk on by... Oh and don't expect the clothes to be on trend in their "Womens" lines as they call them or to have attractive prints either unless you enjoy a good rinse and set on Friday morning each week...

From now on, I will stick with Torrid and Land Bryant... The ladies and on occassion, gentlemen that work there are wonderful... They really know how to help find your inner diva and help make an outfit work... Each store was able to help me find an outfit for both of the upcoming events and both outfits are versitle enough to be used afterwards and they are on trend and made me feel good about me, despite being heavier still...

I used to be a shoe person, all different styles and colors and heel hights and than I don't remember what happened and this weekend I found an amazing pair of heels! My 1st in too many years, and hopefully not my last!

I wish I knew all of the lasdies names that helped me, because sometimes all it takes is a little word of encouragement... I felt like I had some fairy godmothers this weekend watching out for me getting me dressed and ready to impress...

feeling beautiful again...

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 25 #JoinMyJourney

2017-08-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have stopped and evaluated what is going on and put into words how things are... This summer has been so incredibly busy with emotional highs and lows and my weight has been as well...

Right now we are staring at the high end and sadly I am just three weeks from seeing family but this too shall pass...

Life at the most magical has been a roller coaster ride, changing from Front of House to all Heart of House and taking on different responsibilities of sorts... Helping prepare for the largest festival on property and still managing to stay somewhat sane through it all even though we aren't quite there yet...

I am learning with baby steps on how to handle stress better, and trying not to turn to food as often... But I need to remember that getting off my bum now and then is always a great way to destress, even when it's warm outside... There are air conditioned places I could go and just walk, like the mall... or Target, or Walmart... or I can wait until it starts to cool off and walk around the block...

I guess I just need to find my desire again, because right now, I just kind of have the case of the why bothers... I am feeling complacent and it isn't that I am intentionally over eatting or looking for snacks usually it's that honeslty... I don't really care...

NO, I am not looking for a buddy... I am not looking for someone to come along and inspire me... I just have lost my way for a bit and I will find my way back... It's kind of like when someone quits smoking and they haven't smoked in a few years and something happens and they snap and they just need it. Just for awhile... Then they do what they need to do to quit again...

I am just waiting to get to that point where I am ready to do what I need to do to quit being a lazy arse again... To take charge of what I am eating and get things together...

The other big thing that happened this summer is that we went from 2 cars, to 1 brand new car... Mom decided that she no longer needed a car after both of our cars ended up at the mechanic within a week of each other... Mine was traded in for a new one and hers was donated... This was 100% her decision and I truly admire her for it...

I remember when I was younger and my Uncles had to make the decision to take the car from my Grandma and how hard it was on everyone... I never wanted to go through that with Mom and so we have always had open conversations about it and we decided that when the time came, it would be her decision... So yesterday we bid her 17 year old Ford Focus a fond farewell... It was extremely bitter sweet but I know in my heart this was the best choice for us...

Our journey continues...

Every Bite, Every Morsel - Day 24 #JoinMyJourney

2017-06-03T20:01:00.001-07:00

Mom and I ran into a sweet an aquaintance last week that we haven't scene in quite some while and she gave mom some huge compliments on she is looking and then she commented I was looking well as well, even though I don't feel like I am looking that great quite honestly but that is just me... Well she asked how I was doing and I said, I am trying, I am really trying and she said sometimes when you stop trying so hard and just be good to your body good things happen...

So lets all take that advice and start begin better to our bodies... We to try and stop puttin so much garbage into our bodies all of the time, now and then is ok, but not all of the time. I have said it before and maybe I just need to keep reminding myself... I can do this, I can be healthier both inside and out...

Maybe the next time we run into each other, I will start seeing those same changes she is seeing in me as well...

Musicsongbird