Just us...

Spring has sprung...

2011-04-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

Its a beautiful day here in paradise! The sun is shining and its rather chilly out there! I see daffodils and other signs of life popping up around the yard. I do believe - that Spring has sprung! Woo hoo!

Yesterday was my baby girl's 10th birthday! WOW! 10 years old. It seems like yesterday that she was born 4 weeks premature and I already knew she was going to be a handful! <3 My sweet sweet little monkey - Cara!

10 years old...such a difficult and unreal time in my life...I never really knew that my being 10 years old was different than any other little boy or girl being 10 years old. Didn't everyone get punished so severely for doing poorly in school? You mean you weren't hit with a wooden paddle until you could hardly stand? Or stood in the corner at the bottom of the steps or in the garage for hours on end? Or yelled at for not doing something the proper way - or her way? Or sent to bed without dinner because you wouldn't "rat" on your sibling for something that they had done - so you were both punished? Never told you were loved? Rarely touched in a positive manner - no hugs - very few kisses? Just another day at 10 years old. And somewhere around that year - is when the fondling began...punishment between him and I for poor grades, not being good at home, not getting things just so...

10 years old for my oldest daughter - now that was another fun year. That's the year that the world came crashing down around us. That's when the twin towers fell. That's the year that I finally told my adopted mother all the things that her husband had done to me...and that's the year that I walked away from all the years of lies, shattered dreams, and abuse. I lost so much that year...but I gained so much more. I no longer had aunts, uncles, parents, siblings and years worth of friends. They were all part of the package deal of that family...so I took my rag tag remnants of my previous life...and my husband and our children and we burst forward as one small and united family! Kind of like our own small independence day! I wouldn't trade it for the world...well, maybe just a few things...

This is a new year - an anniversary of old and shattered things. And the coming of new and exciting things! The year of evens! Cara 10, Connor 12, Cristopher 16 and Casey 20! Bring it on, GOD! We are ready for the next chapter in Your good book!

group

2011-02-21T05:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I sit here and ponder continuing to post my story -- and the events that unfolded last night at sexual abuse group. Its really all kinds of things that make me wonder about all kinds of things. Sometimes i wonder why I'm even bothering to uncover and unwrap that deep darkness that is my past. Its not a good past - its riddled full of pain and heart ache and sadness. Its amazes me when a good memory pops into my head about my past. I wonder if I should have more counseling than what I am doing? Questions? LOL! If you don't laugh about it - you'll just cry a huge river that could quite possibly never end...

Being abused as a child seems so normal now. Its all I really knew. I don't know what it might of been without the abuse of being yelled at continually, touched and fondled, beaten, stood in corners for hours on end, told how dumb and stupid I was - that I would amount to nothing... the list was endless. Not being told that we were loved... these are all things that I can not even imagine are possible as I look into the faces of my children. Now don't get me wrong...I've spanked my children, yelled at my children...but have always come to the realization that I am not the people that raised me, or the parent that gave me away - I am my own person. I'm come back from the brink of insanity and decided that spanking my children is not necessary to get "respect" or feel like I need to have control over them. They are each unique in their own way. And they each deserve my respect, guidance, LOVE and anything else that I can give them.

Ok, I feel like Bill Engvall now - random thought - lol - when I was little I can remember sitting for hours at Linda's feet - rubbing her feet and legs because she had a rough day...and this wasn't once - this was quite often. I sometimes think after a long day -- and my feet and legs hurt from standing and walking around the clothing store I work at every other weekend - would you (meaning me) ever consider asking anyone of my children to rub my legs and feet? Um, nope! They are not little slaves of pleasure! They are not massage therapists! They are my children and they each deserve my respect. You give me respect - and I give you that respect back in turn.

Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for now. I'm sure I will be back later with other random thoughts or another chapter in my book.

Looking back...

2011-02-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that its been almost a year since I last posted on this blog. So many things have happened and changed in my life - our lives. It seems like only yesterday that I read a friend's blog and decided that I wanted to give blogging a try. And of course - like most everything else I try - it fell away from me...time. There are never enough hours in the day and days in the week. But I will continue to try and get some of that time back...with this blog and changes in our lives. GOD is so good and HE knows what we need - even when we do not. Thank you LORD for the obstacles, the paths that you've led me down and the renewed love I have for YOU and all the things that YOU are.

2011-02-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

Whatever your story, however you managed to survive, whatever has been done to you, he has delivered, he will deliver, and continue to deliver. It referenced 2 Corinthians 1:10

This is something I borrowed from a friend's page and obviously from the Bible. It says so much is so few words. It says that no matter what I've been through that GOD will deliver - and he has - even when it feels like it will never end - GOD will deliver!

Just another day in paradise...

2010-02-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hello friends!
This is all really new to me...so, here we go! I really enjoy checking out all of your pages and will hopefully get better at this whole "blogging" thing as we go along.