My World According to Me

Well THAT was awkward...

2016-05-24T22:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight's blog was intended to be about family in a totally different sense. I made a phone call tonight that changed the tune...

It's 9:32pm on a Tuesday night and I just got off the phone with my father. Yep, you read that right: my father. After 18 years, the only word I can think of to explain the 7 minute conversation that just ended is: AWKWARD. Those of you that know me well know that I haven't had any relationship with my father since June 16, 1998...the day I graduated from high school and also his 42nd birthday. (Those of you that didn't know before, welp, now you know!) Before that sunny day in June of '98, the relationship could only be described as tumultuous at best.

A few weeks ago my aunt let me know that my father found my Bat Mitzvah proofs and he wanted to know if I wanted them. I don't have too many memories from my childhood but my Bat Mitzvah is one I hold in my heart. My mom worked her ass off to make that party special and it was an absolute blast! Of course I want the pictures! All these years I thought they were lost in a move and to learn that they're not was really exciting.

My aunt graciously offered to "arrange" for me to get them. I appreciated the offer but I want to get them myself. I want my father to be man enough to face me after all of these years. I want him to see the woman I've grown up to become. So I mustered the courage, after several weeks of contemplation, and made the call tonight.

Obviously I won't call him dad so I just started with "Hi, it's Amanda." It took him a second and then he responded with an excited "Oh, hi." I thanked him for finding the pictures and cut right to the point: "I can come pick them up this weekend." He was a little taken aback but he said he'd be home and gave me his address. He tried to make small talk and said, "so, what have you been up to?" I was silent for a few seconds and he said, "wow. I guess that was weird." Ummmmm, yeah. How do you ask your daughter after 18 years what she's been up to? Really? How was I supposed to respond? We talked for a few minutes about my living in Horsham and him calling me a "suburbanite." He said he'll probably be BBQing on Saturday and that I could have a hot dog but it wouldn't be kosher. He asked if I was coming alone and I told him my boyfriend is likely to come. He said his girlfriend and neighbors may be there. He was watching hockey (no surprise) and I could tell he'd been drinking. He asked what I did for a living and I gave him a snapshot. He said last he heard I wanted to be a journalist. Yes, father...when I was 17. Childhood dreams change. I wasn't interested (or ready for that matter) in small talk and it was getting more awkward. I answered his questions concisely and softly and ended the conversation pretty quickly.

As soon as I hung up, the tears poured. He's missed so much. He doesn't know me and I fear he may not even recognize me when I get there Saturday. I literally have zero expectations for how it will go. I have an idea of what it's probably going to be like but I don't want to make too many assumptions and psych myself out. I'm going to be nervous all week but I know I can do this. At least I'll have my Bat Mitzvah pictures! ! !

Life is a Sport but it Sure Ain't a Game

2016-01-30T00:17:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now and I just haven't found the right words. Hell, I'm not sure I have them now but, as per the norm, I'm exhausted and wide awake so I'm hoping this helps make me sleepy.

Adulthood is a trap. We spend our entire childhood wishing we were older so we could "do things." If someone had told me that those "things" centered around working and paying bills, I would've begged to stay a child forever. Bottom line, this shit sucks. We aren't meant to work, pay bills, and die, right? There's something out there that give us purpose, right? How do we find it? The better question is, how do we know when we have found it? I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that life doesn't come with a rule book because it's not a game. We don't get a playbook that gives us the appropriate move to make at the appropriate time. We don't have a coach who can pull us out when the direction of our game changes. We don't have coordinators yelling out which plays we should make and when and how. We don't get a booth review when we think someone screws up. There aren't any challenge flags we can throw or penalty flags to toss. We don't have alternates who can step in and take over when we need a break. We don't have trainers on the sidelines waiting to fix our wounds to get us back to being play ready. We don't get to rewind the clock and replay a down. We don't have legions of fans sporting our numbers and cheering us along (almost) every step of the way. What we do have is friends. And if we're lucky, our friends don't boo us and switch their allegiance when we screw up a play, a game, or a even a season.

The truth is, we're going to screw up...a lot. We're going to make mistakes and we're going to live imperfect lives. We're going to have good days and bad. We'll have highs and lows. We'll have successes and failures. We will be victorious and we will fail. We'll be happy and we'll be sad. We're going to fight for too long and give up too quickly. We'll have fortune and we'll have hardship. You're going to be proud and you're going to be ashamed. It's all a balance and we have to figure out the best way to make our way through. We're not always going to do it the way that everyone expects or wants us to, and that's okay. The truth is, this is your life and you only get one shot at it and you have to life it your way. No matter what!

I have highs and I have lows. And, since I promise to always be honest in my blogs, I sometimes have more lows than I like to admit to myself or anyone else. When I need to be, I can be a really good faker. It's not a quality of which I'm proud but I've been doing it for far too long to not know that it's a part of my make-up. I also have a tendency to beat myself up and then question why I'm bruised. I try to manage it but it's not always easy and then I feel like I've failed and the cycle of highs and lows repeats itself. It's a little crazy but it's my kind of crazy and it's my comfort zone.

I'm trying to find my way off of that wheel but I'm afraid that if I slow down my run the wheel will come out from under me and I'll fall. I'm going to have to find the courage to jump off and see where I land. No matter how long it takes me to find that courage, I know it's there and it'll come when the time is right. When I jump, I hope my safety net is up and read to catch my fall. I'll need it.

As a postscript: Remember when I said I've been trying to write this blog for quite some time? Well, here it is and it's completely different than what I originally intended to post. It just kind of morphed but hey, that's what this is about. I just need to get back to writing on a regular schedule and I know I'll hit all my topics. :) Thanks for reading!

Do You!

2015-11-04T09:14:00.002-05:00

I never considered myself to be someone who cared too much about what other people thought of me. I wouldn't conform to social "norms" and always followed whatever path I thought most appropriate for me. I'd say this is true from something as small as ignoring fashion trends and going for what's comfortable to not being afraid to stand up for what I believe to be right in a difficult situation. I would've told you I was independent and an individual and what others thought of me just didn't matter at all.

I was wrong. Very very wrong.

It wasn't until I went through some of the most difficult times of my life that I started to realize that I did in fact care about what other people thought of me. What a shocking revelation to have after the age 30! It was in coming through the darkest moments of my life that I realized I had been living for everyone else for a really long time.

I wouldn't say I did things to impact others' impression of me, but I did always strive to put others first. I always came second. Whether it was in want or need, I would put anyone for whom I cared ahead of myself. I realized that decisions I made weren't always what I wanted and that I'd often "take one for the team" to make whomever happy. I would give up what I really wanted or needed just to bring a smile to someone else's face. I never minded doing it and I guess that's why I never thought of it as caring what others thought.

In being selfless for so long, it came as quite a shock to people when I finally put myself first and stood up for what I wanted. But, I knew what I was doing and I knew it was right for me. I truly didn't care what anyone else thought. The truth is, this is my life and I get to live it however I want. Whether that means making a million mistakes or doing everything "by the book," I get to decide what's right for me.

There are people who judged me for it for more harshly than I think is appropriate or even necessary. Does it make me upset? Everyday. Does it make me question my decision to stick to what I wanted? Never. Are there moments of pause when I wonder if I really did make the "right" decision? Of course. Are there times when I get sad and feel like life is a little more out of control than it had been? Absolutely. But then I step back and remind myself that it was right at that time and I have no regrets.

So, for anyone reading this that is afraid to finally stand up to the world and be true to yourself, I say DO IT and do it TODAY. It's not going to be easy. It's going to take courage and conviction. It might feel like you're losing control. It could hurt and you're definitely to going to cry. But DO IT. You deserve it. And, if it winds up that you're wrong and you are making a mistake, at least you tried and you should never regret that.

Happy Friday!

2015-10-16T16:41:00.001-04:00

So, last night was the 2015 Wave of Light. It's a day where we honor and remember all the babies gone too soon, including my two angels, by lighting candles at 7pm local time. This gives us a full 24 hour "wave of light" to honor all of the little lives lost. While my angels are in my heart every day, October 15th is never easy. It's another of those "milestones" that tears my heart apart.

My day pretty much started with a text from my best friend Vanessa. It was a picture of the candles she was going to light: four of them, two for my angels, and two for other angels in her life. I cried. I cried as I got ready for work. I cried on my way into work. I cried at random points during the day. I felt alone and my heart was hollow. I tried my best to keep to myself so as not to draw the question: "are you okay?" I knew I'd cry. I kept busy. Hell, I didn't even mind working on data analysis because it kept me focused on something other than sadness.

Early in the afternoon our receptionist came to my desk with a beautiful arrangement of baby yellow roses, white daisies, and orange carnations. I cried again as I read the note: "Just a little something to cheer you up. Xoxo. Your person." My sister, Meredith, sent me flowers to brighten my day because she knew I'd be down. I smiled knowing I wasn't alone. For the rest of the afternoon, when I felt the tears welling in my eyes, I'd touch a daisy or smell a rose. It helped.

About an hour before I was leaving work, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to have dinner at his parents' house. My first reaction was to say no because it would be a rough night and maybe it would be best if I was alone. As I thought about it more, I thought it would be a nice distraction to be around family. His family is amazing to me and I am so thankful for their love and support. So, I said I would come to dinner as long as I could light my candles at 7 and leave them lit for at least 1 hour. That meant that no matter what time we ate/finished dinner, we were there until 8pm. He agreed. Dinner was on.

I went home and walked the dog and then drove over to his parents' house...crying almost the entire way. As soon as I walked in, I got big hugs from his dad and his mom. Presley (the dog) even came over to welcome me. Jay came up the stairs and as soon as he hugged me, I started to cry....again. I started to think maybe dinner wasn't such a great idea. We went into the computer room and he just held me while I cried some more. (At some point you have to run out of tears, right?) After a few minutes I was able to get myself together and it was time for dinner. Delicious spaghetti and meatballs. Yum. Babe is a great cook.

Wave of Light, 2015

We finished dinner at 6:56pm and it was time to set up the candles. I took my two blue candles and placed them next to the jewelry box that my best friend Leigh bought me. It was a bridesmaid gift from her big day and has a heart with two angel wings. It's beyond special to me. I set everything up, lit my candles, and took a deep breath. The tears came pretty quickly as I thought about lighting these candles every year instead of birthday candles. It's hard and it doesn't really get easier. Jay took me outside for "fresh" air and just held me as I cried into his chest. He reminded me that he'd always be there and just hugged me and listened as I vented. Vanessa sent a picture of her lit candles and, an hour later, Meredith sent a picture of hers. (She's central time.) It was beautiful and it touched my heart. It was in those moments that I realized: no matter what I face in this life, I'll never do it alone.

Nights like last not only remind us of what we've lost, but are also great opportunities to take inventory of what we have...and appreciate and accept it all. It can be very easy for me to play the "I don't deserve to be happy game" and sabotage the happy moments in my life. I catch myself doing it but sometimes I can't stop. It's a mental game and I often lose. Last night, I fell asleep with a full heart in the arms of the man that I love. I woke up this morning and realized that I have to let myself be happy. I have a lot of love in my life and I deserve it. (That's not easy for me to accept and I don't know why so don't ask.)

I have an incredible boyfriend who loves me and gives me new reasons to fall in love every day. We don't have a perfect relationship but what we have is real. Whatever tomorrow brings, we have each other today. I have the absolute best best friends on earth. These women are willing to selflessly carry me through my darkest days, regardless of what's going on in their own lives. They support me in every way possible and love me through any and everything. Ours are bonds that can never be broken. I am truly blessed and consider myself very lucky. Not everyone has friends like I do! I love my new job and the company for which I work. It's actually a pleasure to go to work now!

While I may not have everything I wanted in this life, I do have a lot....and I'm forever grateful for all of it...even when I don't know the best ways to show it. And while I may not be perfect in my resolve to stay positive, today has been a good day. #onedayatatime

PS- While I couldn't mention each of you in this post, I do sincerely appreciate all of the love and support sent via e-mail, text, calls, and thoughts yesterday. I really do have the best friends on earth!

A Good Day Turned Bad

2015-10-13T21:05:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day at work. I love my new job and I was busy today; it went quickly and that's always a good thing! I decided it would be a good night to run some errands. I needed to pick up my birth control pills at Planned Parenthood and go get candles for this year's Wave of Light. I left work on a good note and felt good, overall, about the day.

As I approached the parking lot of PP, I noticed a group of people gathered by the entrance to the parking lot. As I got closer, I realized they were protesters and then I saw them...the signs: "Pray to End Abortion." There it was: that feeling in the pit of my stomach that literally makes me want to vomit on the spot. That knot that forms when I'm forced to admit that there are people in this world who seek only to judge through ignorance instead of act with compassion and understanding. When I'm not face-to-face with these vultures, I can ignore the world's ignorance. Unfortunately for me, we're nearing a presidential election and I'm forced to remember that there are these people in the world every single day. Ugh. The worst.

I watched as the group eyed me as I pulled into the parking lot, clearly headed to Planned Parenthood. The knot in my stomach grew bigger and tighter. I wanted so badly for one of them to say something so that I would have a reason to walk over. Instead, we just gave each other the stink eye. I went into PP and picked up my pills...just one more service that this organization has provided to me. You know one service they didn't? My abortion.

I had my abortion at a very prestigious hospital here in Philadelphia. Do you think there are protesters there right now? Nope. If this was really about the service of providing abortions, there'd be protesters outside of every clinic and every hospital, regardless of the perceived status of said medical facility. This witch-hunt against PP is absolutely disgusting. PP helped me all through college and again when I was without medical insurance. They provided me with my annual pelvic exam, my annual breast exam, and birth control options to help me manage my reproductive health as I deemed most appropriate.

Anyway, back to the original point here. Abortion, and having to face the difficult decision of having one, is very personal. Women who are forced to make this choice should be respected, supported, comforted, understood, and honored for their strength. Instead, we are most often shamed, discarded, silenced, discouraged, judged, and misunderstood. It's sad to me and it's the single most important reason that I share my story. I absolutely refuse to be shamed into silence.

Abortion is not always about an unwanted pregnancy or a young girl who just didn't know better. I was married, college educated, over 30, and desperately wanting to be a mother. Being faced with the decision of having to terminate my pregnancy is the single worst experience of my entire life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! With that said, I am proud of my choice. I am grateful to have had a team of doctors that supported my right to choose what was best for my family and me, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. (Side note, I go to an OB-GYN affiliated with a catholic hospital and they STILL gave me all of the education and options I needed to make an informed decision.) I am forever thankful for the love and support of (most) of my friends and family while I tried, often without success, to manage my emotions through that entire month of hell. It has been 4 years since that awful September and I still breakdown, relatively often actually. Instead of birthdays and first days of school, my milestones surround due dates, national remembrance days, and the "anniversaries" of the most difficult days of my life. But you know what? I cherish those milestones because they're mine. They're a part of my story and they will always be special to my angels and me.

So, that's how my great day ended. The only thing that made it a little better was my rolling down my window, screaming "you're all fucking dumb" and then watching the storm roll in and drench those fools in a downpour. I hope they all catch pneumonia. #EndRant

Music is Life

2015-10-08T13:14:00.001-04:00

How many of us have a soundtrack? You know what I mean. The list of songs that you hear that spark a memory, feeling, inspire you, give you hope, motivate you. We all have them.

For me, they change frequently and are almost completely dependent upon what else is going on in life. Yeah, I have my standard "go to" songs but then there are those that I haven't heard in years that spark a new emotion. I'm a different me than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, a year ago and I hear the lyrics differently. It's actually quite fascinating.

Just last night I heard a song by PINK that I haven't heard in many years. It randomly played on Spotify and immediately sparked emotions...good and bad. My first thought was about the jam sessions my best friend and I used to have in our dorm in college. We used to JAM to this song. I could even hear us singing and immediately texted her to tell her I missed her. It was awesome for that song to take me back to such happy memories. She lives too far away for us to have our frequent jam sessions, but they live in me and I cherish the memories.

On the flip side, I heard the lyrics in a different way than I did back in college. They meant something more and felt less trivial than they did back then. They made me question things. Would I ever be strong enough to say "yeah, it's like that" and stick to it. Of course those questions then led to the mind game that we all play with ourselves. You know the game. The one where you play out different scenarios in your head until you realize you've just built an entire discussion, confrontation, conversation, or whatever, that will likely never play out. Those are the games that keep me awake at night. I want to be done playing.

Anyway, I genuinely believe music can heal the soul. I'm still looking for a few tracks to add to my soundtrack. What songs make up your soundtrack?

Been 18 Years...

2015-10-05T09:51:00.001-04:00

Quick Note: I know it has been nearly two years since I've blogged, but it's been a crazy time and my focus just wasn't here. I hope to get back into it and blog more regularly and thank you for sticking around and reading!

Yesterday was October 4th. That means it has been 18 years since my Bubby passed away. WOW! It's crazy to think that more time in my life has passed since her death than had passed when she died. (I was 17.)

It was September 4th and I had just started my senior year at Northeast, literally just started....that day. I came home from school and my mom and her boyfriend were out. They were on a 'staycation' and were just taking day trips in and around the city. My aunt called and desperately needed to speak to my mom; she was frantic. I knew something was up but she wouldn't tell me anything. I had no idea when my mom would be home and started to get nervous. Luckily, my mom's boyfriend had to use the bathroom and they stopped home before heading to the movies. I gave my mom the message and she called my aunt. Everything changed with that phone call.

Just minutes later I was in the car, without shoes on, waiting to drive to Atlantic City. My Bubby was in the hospital, in a coma, and it didn't look good. We spent the next two weeks driving to AC pretty much every single day. We would've just stayed there but I had to be home for school. It wasn't easy but we did what we had to do to be there. After two weeks I couldn't take it anymore. My Bubby was losing weight (and not looking herself) and was still pretty much unresponsive (less the random toe twitch or hand squeeze.) I decided I didn't want to remember her that way and made the difficult decision to not visit anymore. My mom respected my decision and continued her almost daily commute without me.

I don't regret my decision. My Bubby was an incredible woman and I carry with me so many wonderful memories. I am glad that my memories do not center around her in the hospital, and instead remain focused on her on the boardwalk, the beach, or eating breakfast in the bathroom so as not to wake me in the morning. I am happy that I can still remember her laugh and see her smile. Hell, I'm even happy I remember how annoying it was when she sucked her teeth. I'll always carry with me the memories of being amazed at how she always had hot oatmeal ready for me, regardless of what time I woke up. (Yes, when I grew up and learned how to make oatmeal/keep water hot, I was a little less impressed but still incredibly happy that something so small created such a wonderful memory.) I have a million memories that I could share but that would take all day and, truth be told, I prefer to keep them close to my heart.

Bottom line, it's been way too long since she cut my grapefruit and put my sugar packets out before a beach day. It's been way too long since she handed me $20 and told Meredith and me to "go have fun" on the boardwalk and then didn't get mad when we needed more because $20 just wasn't enough for Steel Pier AND Ripley's Believe It or Not AND pizza. It's been way too long since she packed lunches to eat on the beach, very well knowing I was going to skip lunch and just ask for a fudgesicle. It's been way too long since we sat together on the boardwalk eating ice cream at night, her her butter pecan and me, my whatever concoction I dreamed up. It's been way too long since she called me the apple of her eye and the love of her life. But you know what? With all the time that has passed since hearing that...I still feel it and know it's true.

While my Bubby hasn't been around to see me grow into adulthood, I know she's watching over me always. And while she may not have agreed with all of my decisions, I know she'd still be proud of the woman that I am and I know she'd be my biggest supporter. Being confident in that is comforting during those times when I feel alone. What gets me through it is remembering that because her spirit lives in my heart, I'm never really alone..

I love you, Bubby.

'Big Al & Till'
I hope heaven has a boardwalk and you're walking it together.

(One more side note: It still irritates me that her death records report her date of death as October 1st. It wasn't. Grrrrr)

Been a Hot Minute

2013-10-09T22:02:00.001-04:00

Hi there!

Soooooo, I haven't blogged in what feels like FOREVER. In the past few weeks I've had a few friends ask me why I stopped blogging. I have to say, it was special to hear people missed my words. This blog started as a therapeutic tool to help me heal. It has turned into so much more and I'm grateful to all of the wonderful friends I've met through the blog site. So, hopefully this is the first of many more consistent blogs. :) I'll try not to take so much time off between entries...

Well, this year started off pretty freaking crappy. We all know what happened in December (if you don't, read this entry) and that just pushed me deep down into a dark dark place. I wasn't in a good place and had a really tough time climbing my way out. I am happy to say I'm in a good place now. I wasn't sure how or if I'd pull through, but the strength of self is amazing and I made it.

This has been the greatest summer in a really really long time. I was able to get back into the Philly music scene and I'm THRILLED to be there. I didn't realize how much I missed the original music scene until I got back in! I've discovered a few "new" local bands and I'm loving it. I also got to spend some real quality time with ALL of my best friends....specifically those that live way too far for my liking. I spent July 4th with my Leighski and the family W and then went down to FL to see NessaBear and all of her girls. I got to meet her future hubby and helped Vanessa pick the most beautiful wedding dress. It was an honor to be there for that special day. I saw New Kids on the Block TWICE in two days and Donnie Wahlberg is now following me on Twitter. Yes, I died and still check it almost daily to make sure it wasn't a dream. (Are you on Twitter? Follow me at @Champagne37!) Hubby and I went on the most extraordinary vacation to Mexico to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and we're already planning a return visit. It was absolutely incredible and we cannot wait to be back there. You can check out my review of the resort here.

Oh, did I mention that I graduated with my Master's in April? Yeah, that happened too! Now I just need a J-O-B! Know anyone who may work for a company that's actually hiring? #toughoutthere

So anyway, thank you for your patience in waiting for my triumphant return to the blogging world. I'M BACK, BABY.

A Fallen Hero

2013-04-07T22:02:00.001-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that Chicago Fire has quickly become my favorite show on TV. The pilot episode was intense as we saw a firefighter lose is life in the line of duty. With consultants from the real Chicago Fire Department the show does a great job documenting the lives of the brothers and sisters of Chicago Firehouse 51. I think I've always had a fascination with firefighters and the idea that there are men out there that choose a profession that, by design, puts them in immediate danger every time they're called to duty.

Growing up my mom always told me that firemen were the only "civil servants" that you should want to see sitting around. We'd drive by fire houses and see the guys all sitting around a table or standing out front of the house just hanging out. I'd ask why they weren't working and she always said it was better that way because it meant that everyone would be going home to their family. As young as I was when the message started, I understood. I grew up with such a great respect for firemen and her message has been with me since I can remember.

Yesterday my hubby, my best friend, and I spent the day with Philly's 2nd Alarmers at their Annual Phillies' tailgate. It was a great time with great friends for a greater organization and we had a blast. We bought some raffle tickets with hopes of winning but only expectations of supporting the cause. Around 6:15 we checked the winning numbers and realized we won the "Fire Basket." We got a Fire Department lanyard, mug, sticker, sweatshirt, and blanket. So cool!

Little did I know that just minutes before the drawing a fire ignited in the Queen Village section of Philadelphia. As our brave PFD responded to the call of duty, we continued the party in their honor, not knowing what was happening just a few neighborhoods away from where we stood. Sadly, one of our city's bravest lost his life that night. The news coverage has been emotional as our city comes together to honor this fallen hero. I didn't know Captain Michael Goodwin but the loss still hit me. I have friends in the department and I know how strong the bond of brotherhood can be. I feel sadness for their loss, for his family's loss, and for our city's loss.

I know I can't do much but I do think it's important that we honor his memory and support his family with our gratitude, love, and prayers. The Mayor has ordered all flags be flown at half-mast for the next 30 days. I don't have a flag to fly but my Facebook profile picture will remain the PFD mourning badge for these 30 days. It isn't much but it's something. I will continue to keep his family, our PFD, and all of our emergency responders in my thoughts and prayers.

We can never forget or take for granted the service, sacrifice, and extraordinary responsibility that fall to our firefighters. And next time I drive by a firehouse and see the men all there, safe and sound, I'll say a little prayer of thanks to whomever is watching over them keeping them safe that day and always. I ask that you do the same...

RIP Captain Michael Goodwin

Blog For Choice Day

2013-01-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today is the 40th anniversary of the landmark decision in Roe v Wade. In honor of this anniversary, it is national Blog for Choice Day. So, here is my blog for choice...

I spent my entire life being pro-choice for America and pro-life for myself. In fact, my mom tells me that as a teenager I told her that if I ever got pregnant I'd keep the baby. To this she replied, "then you better not get pregnant while you're living in this house 'cause I'm done raising babies." That pro-life mentality stayed with me through college as I worked to achieve my goal of becoming the first college graduate in my family. I was educated and took care of myself as a woman. (Side note, without Planned Parenthood I would not have received women specific health care in college. So, thank you PP.)

I considered myself pro-life until September 2, 2011 when I was presented with the most devastating news I ever hope to hear. My much wanted, already much loved baby was not going to survive the pregnancy; I had a CHOICE to make. Together with my doctor and my husband, and through a broken heart and many tears, I made the choice to terminate my pregnancy. I experienced so many emotions related to the news, our decision, and the aftermath of our decision that my head was spinning. Sadness, guilt, anger, resentment, relief, and everything in between, I felt it all. The bottom line is, I felt it. My husband felt it. Our family and friends felt it. Strangers did not.

So, when strangers react to my blogs and posts with hateful comments and aggressive name-calling, I can only shake my head. I've been called some pretty heinous names and have had some pretty heated debates. I've been ridiculed and judged, even by loved ones, and have been offended on way too many occasions. It used to really bother me because I felt like no one was listening. I'm not the uneducated, unwed, unemployed, abortion addict that pro-life extremists like to pretend that I am. I am one class away from finishing my Master's degree. I have been with the same man for 10-1/2 years and we've been married for 4-1/2. I wake up every morning and commute to a full-time job where I work 50+ hours per week. I've never been arrested and take pride in my volunteer work. I come home to a house that I own and cherish quiet nights at home with my family and friends. I am not the embodiment of evil that many like to accuse me of being. I am a woman who was faced with a very difficult situation and who was lucky enough to have the strength, knowledge, courage, support, and freedom to make the choice that was right for her family.

We all have the right to our opinions; I don't want to take that freedom away from anyone. With that said, NO ONE has the right to judge anyone for their personal decisions, decisions that have zero impact on anyone outside the family making that choice. You don't get to make me feel bad for choosing my own path without also having the compassion to listen to the why behind our decision. I'm not asking you to agree with me; I'm just asking you to listen with an open-mind.

While I have always been politically active and passionate, the debate over women's rights has suddenly became much more personal and much more important to me. I decided to share our story because I don't want any woman to feel alone in her pain. I don't want women to feel shamed into silence. I want to remind extremists that not every abortion is a result of promiscuity to get rid of an unwanted baby. There is a whole other side to this debate and that side needs to be heard. If I have to tell our story in a million ways a million times on a million forums, I will. I pledge this commitment to women everywhere who have ever been judged, silenced, or shamed for their decisions. You are not now, nor will you ever be, alone.

Another New Chapter...

2013-01-16T21:15:00.004-05:00

I was going to blog tonight about how sick I am of being told I'm different. The blog was going to be about how many people tell me "your story is different" in terms of the abortion debate. No, I'm not one of the disgusting human beings that uses abortion as a form of birth control. Those women should be spayed. But, in the debate as it stands today, I'm not different. If you take away the right to choose you take away the right of women like me everywhere. Yes, the issue needs to be discussed and stories like ours need to be told AND HEARD. K, enough about that...this blog is taking a different direction.

So, our doctor called tonight. She received the results of the baby's tests and it looks like it was the same issue as last year. Baby no. 2 had full triploidy. Hubby isn't convinced that baby no. 1 had it and is going to call the surgeon from last year tomorrow. I'm about 110% sure that it was full triploidy and that hubby must have been listening with his man ears when we received those results. But, I understand his need to be sure so I encourage his call tomorrow.

Full triploidy is rare in its first occurrence. Our chance at having another baby with the same issue was no greater than a woman that had no pregnancies with baby's with genetic abnormalities. (ps- That is the ugliest term!) Supposedly it's all just "a freak accident" and "purely bad luck." Yeah yeah yeah..... I am doing my best to stay away from the Internet right now. I don't want Dr. Google to tell me ANYTHING so I'm just steering clear. That's why I'm here and why you have something to read right now. (Thanks, by the way.)

In February of 2011 I went for Jewish Genetic Counseling at the Victor Center. My mom is your typical Jewish mother and needed me to go for her own piece of mind. I went for her and 18 out of the 19 tests came back negative. My Tay-Sachs test was inconclusive so as a result of this latest pregnancy issue, hubby has to go get tested. I'm not too worried about that because my mom was not a carrier and the chance that I am is slim. The chance that hubby is a carrier is probably even more slim, which means the chance we're both carries (and could pass the disease on to a baby) is even more slim. But hey, we've beat slim odds before so who freakin' knows. In addition to having hubby tested to see if he's a Tay-Sachs carrier, we also have to go for "preconception genetic counseling." I'm trying not to freak out but it's hard. We've only had the news for about 2 hours now and I've already shed a shit ton of tears. (I truly believe that tears are natures way of cleansing the soul so if you need to cry....CRY!)

Your first thought when you hear that there could be issues with your genetics is, naturally, to ask "why me." You immediately think of the worst case scenario and pull the "it's not fair" card. You think about all of the people to which you think life comes easy. You think about all of the women you've watched get pregnant and go on to have healthy babies who don't really "deserve" to be moms. (This is not to say I wish pain or heartache on anyone at all. I'm just being honest about the emotions and feelings that come with the situation that hubby and I are facing.) You start thinking about what you did to deserve this. It's all irrational but it's all okay to feel and you HAVE to let yourself feel every emotion. I know life isn't fair but I'm allowed to be mad, and jealous, and resentful, and sad, and confused. I'm also allowed to say it all out loud and let my feelings happen. I've had to work hard for everything I have in my life. Statistics say I should be everything that I'm not: a drop out, uneducated, unemployed, on welfare, etc. I've fought hard to get where I am today and once, just once, I want something in life to come easy and just go the right way. I want it to be this.

I'm not one for self-pity and I try not to feel sorry for myself. I really do believe that we're given only what we can handle. (Even though I believe that G-d and I sometimes have different parameters for what my limits actually are.) With that said, I do feel lucky in so many ways. Though we're embarking on another scary chapter in what has been a tragic story, I do have a lot of really wonderful things in my life. There are a lot of things that have gone "right" and I'm thankful for each one. Hands down, I have the best husband in the entire world. Secondly, my mom is the most extraordinary woman I know and I am very lucky that I am the one that gets to call her mommy. Lastly, my friends are the most wonderful family I could ever know. I'm grateful for each and every person in my life and I find it difficult to put into words what they all mean to me. (Imagine that! Me, no words!)

So, maybe we are experiencing all of this tragedy because we have the strength and support to get through it. Maybe we are going through this so that a couple who wouldn't be able to handle it can have an easy pregnancy and the family they'll cherish. Maybe we're facing these issues because someone up there knows we'll be the voice for so many women/families who are silenced by fear and shame. Who knows, right?

Whatever the reason, what I do know is that we'll get through this and we'll be better people for having experienced it together. So, as I tell my students when they want to give up: onward and upward.

The Light

2012-12-24T18:43:00.001-05:00

So one of my very best friends from high school recently found my blog. He and I hadn't been in touch for about 10 years and we reconnected a little over two months ago. It's always nice to reconnect with special people and it has been great catching up. Last week he read my blog for the first time and told me he thought it was dark. Not gonna lie... I was a little offended. I don't think it's dark; I think that it's honest. There are days when I feel dark and if my blog reflects that then so be it. Anyway, he recommended that I blog about all of the positive/good things in my life. While it's impossible to list everything that is good in my life, there are a few things for which I'm grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY. So, here goes:

Hubby: I meant what I said on your birthday. You make it all okay and I couldn't do it without you. Thanks for choosing me for your forever. Love you. Love your show.
Momma: You amaze me every day and have for the last 32 years. I only hope I can be half the mom to my child(ren) that you were to me. I am who I am (good and bad) because of you. (Well, except the OCD.)
Sister: Twenty-one years and you're not sick of me; you deserve a medal. You are (always have been and always will be) my person. I love you always.
My girls: They say our friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Thank you for choosing me and for always being there. The bonds that tie us are unbreakable and I'm thankful every day that I can call you my family.
Jake & Sara: You are my heart and I couldn't love you more. Jake, thank you for ALWAYS making me smile. Sara, it has been way too long since we've seen each other but I love you every single day. I hope you both know that I will ALWAYS be here for you for anything that you need.
My work family: Simply stated, I love you guys; you make my every day worth it. Thanks for all the laughs and love.
My friends: I don't know what to say other than I FREAKING LOVE YOU.
My GSC family: I am who I am because of you. Whether it's a week, a month, a year, or more, we're family and I cherish that always. My memories of our time(s) together fill my heart with such joy. I am thankful for every memory we made in our home away from home.
Puppers: I know you can't read but you are my love. Your kisses make my bad days better and my good days great. Thanks for knowing exactly what I need and for being the best cuddle-bugger ever.
The Internet: THANK YOU Al Gore (kidding!) for making it possible for me to stay connected to everyone. I love knowing that with just a click we can reconnect and check-in to let each other know we're thinking of the other. Let's try to do it in person more frequently.
My former campers: Many of us are still in touch and some of you even read this blog. Please know how special you made my summers. I learned more from you in those years than I could ever have hoped to teach you. I am so proud of the young men and women you have become.
New Kids on the Block: You have brought a smile to my face since 1988. You filled my childhood with love and excitement and taught me how to dance like no one is watching. Your reunion reminded me that dreams really can come true if you never give up. Thanks for making this only child one of a million sisters. (Readers: you can make fun of me all you want for having them on my list. I'm dancing like no one is watching and I don't care.)
Ellen: Thanks for proving that kindness and generosity are the most beautiful accessories we can wear. You inspire me every day.
The little things: You matter so much and I'm thankful that I know that.
The person who told me to write this blog: Thank you. You are very special to me and I love you.

(These are in no particular order by the way!)

With that, I'm going to sign off. This blog could wind up being a million words long because I'm that lucky. While the last two years have been a struggle for our family, I've never lost sight of the fact that I'm a pretty lucky lady. I have a great husband, an awesome mom, amazeballs friends, and a job that allows me to help people (almost) every day. Yes, some days are dark but that's okay because no day lasts forever.

Is it January yet?

2012-12-18T14:02:00.001-05:00

December has got to be the worst month of the year to have a miscarriage. You get to spend the entire month looking at pictures of kids. You also get to see lots of pregnancy announcements. Ugh. It's like nature's cruel way of reminding you of everything you don't have. IT SUCKS. On top of that, December is the month that my husband and I celebrate our birthdays. Yeah, not this year; I'm not into it. I plan on skipping my birthday except to go out with my work family and get wasted. Yep, that's how I'm celebrating.

I also plan on skipping the holidays this year. I'm not into it and I have no interest in pretending that I am. I don't want to be a debbie downer and ruin the holiday for anyone else so I think I'm just going to stay home. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm happy. I don't want to have to listen to people tell me that it'll be okay and that everything happens for a reason. I don't want the "hold a little tighter" hugs with the "I'm so sorry" message. I get that it comes from a good place, I really do, but sometimes it just makes the pain worse. I don't want to hang out with our pregnant friends and family and pretend that I'm not in pain. So, for everyone's benefit I'm just going to skip this "holly jolly" time. It's not meant to hurt anyone's feelings and honestly, this year isn't about anyone else but me. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it is. I need to concentrate on me. I need to deal with all of this in my own way so that I can continue to move forward. We all handle pain in different ways and we have to let ourselves cope in our own personal way. My head and my heart are telling me that this is what I need and I'm going to listen.

Our experience this year was very different than our experience last year. This year, nature made the decision for us. Last year, we made the decision. This year, the day of surgery was much easier than last year. Last year, I gave myself time to cope and deal with my emotions. This year, I jumped right back into life and "moved on." Last year I didn't play the "why us" game. This year, I play it every day. Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time of year that everything happened. As much as I love seeing the holiday cards from our friends, it's painful. Yes, I'm thrilled you all have happy healthy families and I love your kids like I would love my own. Hopefully you know that. BUT, this year it's different. It's a little more painful than it is joyful and that sucks. I think that adds another dimension of emotion to all of this too. I not only get to feel my own pain but then I also get to feel guilty about all of that. Blah.

The bottom line is: December is just a shitty effing month for life to veer off course. The upside is that December won't last forever and in exactly two weeks it'll be a new month in a new year with a chance for new beginnings.

May 2013 bring you joy, happiness, laughter, and love.

What You Haven't Been Told....Until Now

2012-10-22T21:26:00.001-04:00

October 22, 2012- 3w2d


October 22, 2012

I've been tired lately. I've been waking up in the middle of the night to pee. I've had heartburn like I've never known before. Something is up. I woke up this morning with a great energy. I took my final exam and felt really good about it. I watched some TV and played with the dog a little. Easy peasy...normal Monday Funday. Then suddenly, I felt like crap. It was around 4:15 and I decided to take a nap. I told hubby to wake me up at 5 (I only wanted a short nap) but he said I looked comfy and he decided he'd just let me sleep. I woke up around 6 and didn't feel very refreshed. What the heck? We watched a little TV and I had to pee....again. I decided to take a pregnancy test. I'm supposed to get my period in 5 days so I'm within my "early result window." I peed on the stick expecting the same result I've had for the last few months: negative. Well, surprise surprise! Two little lines appeared within a minute. I smiled and silently walked out of the bathroom into the living room. Hubby was sitting on the computer and I slid the stick into his line of vision. It wasn't expected as he didn't know I had taken the test so it took a minute for him to register just what I was showing to him. He smiled and said "that looks like a pretty faint line." I told him the color didn't matter, just that it was there. His smile got bigger and he leaned in and gave me a hug and a kiss. Here we go....again. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I know too much about what can go wrong and I'm afraid I'll be too overcome with worry and fear to enjoy this pregnancy. My only hope is that our angel is watching over his or her younger sibling (and us.) Let the journey begin...

October 23, 2012- 3w3d
Took another test with my "first morning pee." Yep, still positive.

October 24, 2012- 3w4d
Took another test when I got home from work. Still pregnant!

October 25, 2012- 3w5d
I called the doctor today. I'm waiting to hear back from him to see if he wants to see me or if I should wait for a "normal" appointment at 8 weeks. I'm about 99% sure that I am 3weeks5days today. It's so early! It's both exciting and terrifying to know this early. I'm trying not to get too too excited because I know how much can go wrong but it's hard. I'm thrilled. Hubby is thrilled. Our friends are thrilled. Yes, I've told a few folks. I know it's way too early but I couldn't keep it in. There are still a few people I need to tell but I'm trying to find a fun way. I know everyone says to wait until after the 1st trimester, but who cares. We want to celebrate this news with our friends. They're the ones who helped us through the most difficult time in our lives and we'll need them again if Gd forbid something happens. We had a lot of people who didn't know we were even pregnant last year until they read the blog and discovered something was wrong. This time, we want to enjoy it with our friends, even if it is only for a short time. (Ahhh, I hate even saying that but it's true.) I'm calling the baby "baby bean" and talk to it often. I know it's the size of a pen tip right now but I don't care. It's my little pen tip and I love it. Not sure why "Baby Bean." I think I just said it once and it stuck. As for symptoms, it's still way too early. I do get really tired and hot and nauseous every day around 4pm but that's it.

October 29, 2012- 4w2d
Baby Bean went to her first Eagles game yesterday. Of course, they lost and played like shit. Hell, he's going to have to get used to being let down if she's going to be an Eagles fan. I just wish I could enjoy the Flyers right now...start getting the baby used to hearing me yell "SCORE." Baby will be about 2 months old with the start of the 2013-14 season. CAN'T WAIT! Right now I'm sitting here watching Hurricane Sandy outside. She's blowing the tree across the street like crazy. We moved our cars into the garage as we expect this tree to come down! EEK

October 30, 2012- 4w3d
We survived Hurricane Sandy with no damage and we never lost power! Woo Hoo!

October 31, 2012- 4w4d
Okay, I'm freaking out. I have had no symptoms for two days now. I had been really tired but now, nada. I am freaking out that something is wrong. This time in my last pregnancy I had sore and tender boobies and I was exhausted. I know that every pregnancy is different but I can't help but be scared. I'm trying not to let fear minimize my excitement but it's hard. Happy Halloween, Baby Bean!'m trying not to let my imagination run wild with "what-ifs" but boy is it hard.

November 2, 2012- 4w6d
Well, my boobs hurt. It started a little yesterday and then bam, today it hit me. At first I thought it was mental but then I bumped one on my chair at work (don't ask) and OUCH! Yeah, definitely real pain. I guess that's a good sign? I talked to the doctor today to schedule my first prenatal appointment. It'll be 11/19 and I feel like that is FOREVER and a day away. He sent me the order for the ultrasound and I have to do that the week of the 12th. They kept calling it a viability scan and it was driving me mad. I hate that word and I spent my entire morning freaking out about what could go wrong at that appointment. I'm trying not to stress myself out but man, this sucks. Time is crawling and I just want to know everything is okay!

November 5, 2012- 5w2d
I scheduled my viability/dating scan for Monday, November 12th at 10:15am. This week is going to CRAWL!

November 6, 2012- 5w3d
Happy Election Day! Minor freak out tonight. Some "normal" preggo stuff that makes someone with PgAL brain freak out probably unnecessarily. Trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

November 9, 2012- 5w6d
In 69.5 hours I will know if this baby is growing and this is a "viable" pregnancy. SOOO nervous. Plus, the word viable is so ugly. Catch ya Monday with either good news (continuing this journal unpublished) or bad news (publishing the outcome along with the journal.)

November 12, 2012- 6w2d
Well, I'm not publishing the blog today. WOO HOO We just got back from our ultrasound and baby bean is measuring 6w +/-3 days (the tech isn't allowed to give a firm date.) This is right around where I think I am (I think I'm 6w2d today.) We got to see baby bean and see the little flutter of its heart (100 bpm). I started crying. I know we've made it to this milestone before but it's one small step toward becoming a mommy this time around. Though we're no where near "safe" and I still don't feel like I can "breath easy," it's a happy happy day. So anyway, I was told to drink 32 to 40 ounces of water. I drank 40 just to be safe. (I'm an overachiever, what can I say?) We got to the appointment and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. I couldn't hold it anymore and they told me I could go "release myself" a little. I did. Twice. We got into the room and the technician told me I was still too full. She asked me to go "release another 3/4." How the hell do you measure that? Anyway, the tech was amazed at how much liquid my bladder could hold. Always nice to impress the woman holding a wand up your who hah. (I was allowed to fully release before the internal began.) Naturally, the first thing I did was look up "normal heart rate at 6 weeks." I saw conflicting reports but the majority of what I found said 90-110 is normal. I'm going with that and staying positive. As the PgAL mantra goes: "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." Staying positive....

November 13, 2012-5w6d (Yep, I was a few days off. This is official per the ultrasound.)
The doctor called last night. She confirmed my results and said the heartbeat was actually recorded as 105 bpb. That five beats made me feel better. Not sure why. She did say I measured 6w and put my due date as July 10, 2013. SO exciting. :) Oh, this means we actually found out we were pregnant at 2w5d! ! ! !

November 19, 2012- 6w5d
We met with Dr. Stack today. He did all of the usual first prenatal appointment work. I had a pap, boobie check, weight check, blood work, and pee test. Easy peasy. And then, the talk. I knew it was coming but I really wasn't prepared for it. Dr. Stack talked about the sequential screen and I immediate got tense and the tears starting creeping up toward my eyes. With having had a trisomy baby in the past, my chances of having another are 1% to 2% greater than a woman who never had a trisomy pregnancy. He ordered the sequential screen and we have to meet with a geneticist. He did warn us that the geneticist would offer an amnio and would "scare the shit of you." Awesome, can't wait for that. I'll be 12w around my birthday so that's about when the sequential will be. Great, nothing like spending my birthday and the holidays petrified about that appointment. I've been crying on and off all day long. I'm trying to be positive but I am also trying to let myself feel my feelings.

November 26, 2012- 7w5d
I haven't been here in a while. I've had a few freak out moments and am still trying to stay positive. Part of staying positive, for me, means not thinking about being pregnant. When I think about it too much I get freaked out. Our next appointment for an ultrasound is our first sequential and it's at the end of December. IT'S FOREVER AWAY! Anyway, my boobs are sore and I'm still exhausted. Oh, and I'm moody as all hell. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. Hubby and I went to Sears tonight and I got my first pair of maternity jeans for this pregnancy. I know it's just bloat (not baby) right now but my jeans are just getting too uncomfy. Okay, off to watch The Voice.

November 29, 2012- 8w1d
Baby bean is a raspberry now. I love Wednesdays because my ticket on The Bump changes. WOO HOO I still have pretty much no symptoms. I know I'm lucky but I just WISH there was a sign I was pregnant. I have less than a month to wait for my 12w scan. I'm crazy scared and am just trying to stay positive. I think I've come up with an idea about how we'll announce the pregnancy. I picked my baby shower theme. Thinking about things like that help make me happy...even it it's momentary. Hubby is doing laundry right now while I finish up homework and blog. He said he's trying to get used to more dishes, more laundry, and more cleaning up for baby. He said he wants to get used to the things that are "just going to be more." Maybe it's his nesting phase? I think it's his way of keeping his mind off of the fear that is consuming both of us. p.s- Candy Cane Hershey Kisses are just as amazing this year as I remember them being last year. Seriously, life changing. (No, it's not preggo related. I loved them this much last year.)

December 3, 2012- 8w5d
If you don't know what it means to have PgAL brain I envy you. Ugh.

December 4, 2012- 8w6d
I knew something was wrong. Everyone said my spotting was "normal" and a part of me wanted to believe them but I knew. We just got back from the doctor and she confirmed we lost our little one. She called it "horrible terrible bad luck" and assured us we will, eventually, have our precious little one. She reassured us that it's no one's fault and we just happened to be the 1 in 5 who lose the baby at 8 weeks. It is what it is. We'll be okay; we still have each other...and we have all of you. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Thank you really isn't enough to express how much your love and support means to us. I was supposed to leave for Utah tomorrow to celebrate the PRIDE award I received. So much for that; I'll be spending the day at the hospital instead.

~~Thanks for reading and for loving us the way that you do.~~

I'm a Donnie Girl in a Donnie World

2012-10-05T23:23:00.003-04:00

I haven't blogged in about a month and I figured it was time. (And my best friend gave me a little nudge the other day.) So I started thinking about what I could write and I just wasn't sure. I've been wanting to write a blog about my camp family but I just can't put my GSC experience into words....yet. (That blog will come though!) So, what to write? Early last month I stumbled upon a new book that was being released on October 2nd. It was called Five Brothers and a Million Sisters and it was a biography about my favorite group of all time. Preorder? Absofreakinlutely!!! Well, here we are October 5th and I'm already almost done the book. (When I can, I read on the train to/from work.) The book has brought back so many wonderful memories and has just reaffirmed my love for those five boys from Boston. The book includes quotes from fans of all ages and, though I know nothing of these women, I feel a connection to each of their stories. Their stories are my stories. Our memories mirror each others. We really are a sisterhood: a family of blockheads that has been connected for 24 years, even through the 14 years our boys were "absent." We are a group of women (and some men) who refer to ourselves as a family and not as just fans. These guys played such an integral part of my childhood and I didn't realize just how much until I started reading this book. Today, they STILL play an integral part of my life, though their role is now a different one. It's less about school girl crush and more about respect, loyalty and appreciation. And so was born my inspiration for this blog post...

If you know me at all, you know I'm very proud of my love for the New Kids. They're all over my desk at work and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't listen to one or more (usually more) of their songs. I get made fun of for it...A LOT. I don't care. These guys helped shaped my youth and continue to inspire me in adulthood. Even at 30+, I can proudly say that Donnie Wahlberg is one of the most relevant inspirations in my life. (In fact, at a recent training of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I wrote him as one of my top 3 most inspirational people. Yep, at 30, he's the one that I thought of.) I've been a "Donnie Girl" since 1988. I often joke that he's my "pop" husband and I still fantasize about what it would be like to meet him. As soon as he joined Twitter (follow me at @Champagne37) I started following him. I was one of his first followers and the highlight of 2010 was when he tweeted me. Now I get lost in the thousands of girls that follow him but his tweets are still the high points of my bad days. While my love for Ddub started as a school girl crush, it has grown into an adult respect that is difficult for me to put into words. He is, without a doubt, one of the most amazing men I "know." If you don't know his story, read it. Go ahead, roll your eyes, judge me, and call me a dork. I really don't care.

I didn't have an easy childhood. I was raised by a single mom and was forced to grow-up pretty quickly. I didn't experience many luxuries, we just couldn't afford them, but that made me more appreciative of the ones I did have. I count among my luxuries my NKOTB sheets, my black satin New Kids jacket, my cassette tapes, posters, pins, pogs, trading cards, pencil cases, etc. My most prized possession? My NKOTB sleeping bag. I asked my mom for it while I was away at summer camp and she sent it, making a young girl's dream come true. When I sit here and think about all of the New Kids swag I smile a big smile. I still get excited thinking about how much joy that group and their music brought to my life. They were a constant source of joy in what was an otherwise unstable environment. There were a lot of unknowns in my childhood, but one thing I knew was I could always count on the New Kids to make me smile. When they broke up in 1994, I was devastated. But, I was heading to high school and I had new adventures to which I could look forward. Let's fast forward to 2008....the New Kids on the Block reunited and a tour is announced.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I. Went. Crazy. All of the excitement and love I felt from '88 to '94 came flooding back. I HAD to get to a show! Imagine my excitement when I saw that they'd be in Atlantic City, NJ on September 27, 2008: the very night I was to have my bachelorette party! ! ! Yep, the stars aligned and I was finally going to get to my first New Kids show. It was AMAZING and I left the Borgata showroom in tears. I was just overcome with emotion at finally having had a dream come true. I waited patiently for 20 years to see "my" boys and it was incredible. I used to be sad that I never got to see a show as a young girl. Now, I'm thankful. I wouldn't have appreciated it the way I do now. When that opening montage asked "Are You Ready?" and answered with "It's Time" I was overcome with a feeling I had never known before. It was so foreign to me and I cried. I still cry watching that montage and I still have a difficult time putting in to words what I feel because of NKOTB. The passion and energy and excitement that the New Kids bring to my life is unmatched by anything else I love it. I went on to attend 3 more shows during the 2008/09 tour and would've done a hundred more if that whole work thing didn't get in the way. Unfortunately I haven't been able to afford any of the cruise events but attending is on my bucket list. It'll stay there until the guys decide to stop hosting and that ship has sailed (pun intended.) I WILL meet Donnie one day; mark my words. While their reunion filled an unknown void that was present for 14 years, meeting him and thanking him for his years of inspiration will be the ultimate dream come true. I have to do it to be complete.

The New Kids reuniting sparked a new excitement in my life. I was taken back to my childhood and the memories of dancing around my room to Cover Girl came back as if they had happened just yesterday. (I'm not ashamed to admit that this does still happen on some yesterdays.) I was engaged in the hype that was their reunion and was reminded about how important it is to hold the "little" things close to your heart. I was reminded of how important loyalty and passion are to success. I witnessed a devotion and gratitude to the legions of blockheads that instantly welcomed them back after 14 years. This gratitude to their fans is unmatched by any other group in history. (Don't argue with me on this; you won't change my mind.) The New Kids on the Block reuniting reminded me how important it is to never stop dreaming and how important it is to believe in yourself. I am inspired by at least one New Kid every day (thanks, Twitter) and am so very proud to call myself a Blockhead, a Donnie Girl, part of Ddub's army, a fan, and one of a million and one sisters.

This may all seem silly and trivial to you and that's okay. This blog isn't about you. It's about me making sense of my world and the New Kids on the Block are a big part of my world. I honestly believe that I wouldn't be who I am today without them. I feel indebted to each of the guys and hope that some day I can meet them and thank them in person. I could have gone on for pages and pages and pages about what I learned and continue to learn from Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jonathan, and Jordan. I could devote an entire blog (not just a post) to our New Kids family but Blue Bloods is coming on and I need to go watch.

Thanks for reading!

Positivity is not about being soft. It's about being smart. You sucka!

It's Gettin' Ugly

2012-09-05T06:26:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted a blog in quite some time. Sorry about that but life has just been sooooo busy. I can't even tell you why, but man do I need a break. This week is no exception. My sister-in-law married her best friend last Saturday so now I have a brother! It was a great wedding and hubs and me are thrilled that she's found someone to keep her smiling. Most of you know that I didn't always have a great relationship with my hub's immediate family. It was pretty rough for a really long time. After we lost the baby things seemed to take a turn for the better. His mom texted me every day I was out of work just to check-in. It was a really nice gesture and one I appreciated more than she knows. After that, our relationship seemed to be on the mend. Sometimes emotional tragedy has a way of bringing people together and if something positive had to come from our loss I'm glad it was that. We may not be at 100% just yet but we'll get there. All things in time. Bottom line is, we had an awesome weekend with the family and look forward to many more. We're even planning a family vacation for next summer...who would've thunk it?!?!?

This week hasn't been easy. September 2nd was the one-year anniversary of our finding out that our peanut wasn't going to make it. This time last year I was in a daze. I spent this week crying and just going through the motions trying to survive. In 4 short days it'll be the one year anniversary of when we terminated the pregnancy. Ugh. Luckily I'll be spending the day with some of my besties; we'll be shopping for bridesmaid dresses and watching my bestie try on wedding dresses. That should keep my mind off of the horror that is and always will be September 9th.

So, just as emotional tragedy can often lead to mended relationships, it can also ruin them. Maybe it's just that I'm more emotional this week but I'm going nuts here. We're in the heart of our 2012 Presidential Election and it's getting ugly.. UGH! They say you shouldn't talk politics or religion with friends but no one listens. With Facebook, everyone is posting political messages, posters, links and quotes. I have a lot of "friends" who are Republicans. That's okay with me...in most cases! I enjoy a good debate and truly do respect people who are willing to stand up for what they believe. I think that our freedom to disagree is what makes being an American so great. I don't, however, like being offended or called names or shamed. The 2012 Republican platform centers around abortion. Of course, why wouldn't it? If you've read my blog or know me at all, you know that I am 100% pro-choice. (After everything that happened with our little peanut my commitment to preserving a woman's right to choose is even more important to me.) This issue, for me, is probably the most important of this year's election. I know that abortion is and always will be a touchy subject. People who engage in the debate, on either side, are passionate. Passionate is one thing; disrespectful is another.

As I said earlier, this election is getting ugly. It's bringing out anger in people and it's getting nasty. Lately, it's getting worse. I don't understand how anyone with a uterus could ever vote for Romney/Ryan but that's neither here nor there. Everyone has the right to vote for the candidate with whom they connect most. I respect anyone who is informed and exercises his right to vote. The RNC was last week and the DNC started last night; maybe that's what sparked all of this ugly. Who knows? What I do know is that I have seen sides of my "friends" that I both wish I never saw and that I appreciate seeing. Most Republicans are pro-life. Again, that's okay. Your political or personal position on abortion is a-okay with me. As I've said a million times before, we have the right to disagree about anything and everything. What's not okay with me is when you call me a baby killer. I saw a post on a friend's page last night. It was a political quote centered around the abortion debate on which some of his or her friends had commented. My "friend" wrote the words baby killer. Awesome, right? Side note: when I had my abortion last year this person supported me through it and said all the right things. Now I know it was fake and insincere. I was upset about it last night but now I'm over it. I don't have time to waste on ignorance; it's not worth it.

I have spent the last year sharing my story with hundreds of women/families that have faced similar situations. This blog has allowed me to heal in a way that I know I wouldn't have without it. I have felt so supported by so many unexpected people (yes, I'm talking about my Republican friends here) and can finally say I'm in a really good place. I will continue to share my story and support other women and families that are faced with tragedy. I will continue my fight for women's rights and will continue to hold my head up high. I will keep trying to open people's eyes to the "other side" of the abortion debate. The side that doesn't center around rape or unwanted pregnancy. I will continue to share with anyone willing to listen and will proudly cast my vote on November 6th for the man who is fighting for MY right to choose what I do with MY body.

Summer Lovin'

2012-08-06T09:29:00.000-04:00

Best Friends <3

This past week my husband and I crashed my best friend's family vacation. Well, let me rephrase...we were invited but we felt like we were crashing. Every few years my best friend's entire family gathers at the beach for a week of family fun. When we were first invited I said we wouldn't go. I felt bad. If you know me, you know that I don't like to impose on any situation. My best friend assured me it was fine and we decided to accept the invitation. Aside from a weekend in Atlantic City here and there, hubby and I haven't been on a vacation since our honeymoon four years ago!

Crossing the bridge into OKI.

After a 9 hour drive, we arrived in Oak Island, NC. It was beautiful! The drive wasn't bad. We played travel bingo and the license plate game. I think we're still looking for 35 states but we'll continue the game on our next trip! We went straight to the condo and changed into our swimsuits and met the family at the pool. Not 15 minutes after we arrived and we were already soaking up the sun. Lovely. From the moment we walked in we felt welcome. The entire family embraced us with smiles and beer. What could be better, right?

Sunday night (night1) started with a big dinner out at The Lucky Fisherman. They had a great seafood buffet and I tried pineapple trigger fish. If you know me, you know this was adventurous for me! It was delish and I'd totally try it again. Me eating fish...who would've thunk it? Monday night brought us to our first family dinner. All of the siblings split up the nights of the week to feed everyone and the family gets together in one condo to enjoy the meal together. Monday was my best friend's dad & uncle's night. We had pizza and salad; can't go wrong with that! Tuesday was another family dinner night hosted by two of my bestie's aunts. We had tacos and everything was delish; I ate way too much.


My Ragin' Cajun Steampot @ Joe's.

Wednesday was a free night so hubby and I had date night. We drove about 40 minutes to Myrtle Beach and went to Joe's Crabshack at Barefoot Landing. We finished up with a trip to Maggie Moo's and it was yummy. Best. Ice. Cream. Ever. Thursday was another family dinner night, hosted by my bestie's aunt and her grandparents. It was also her cousin's 10th birthday so we had a luau and celebrated together. We ate delicious pulled BBQ chicken and the most delicious black bean salsa I've ever had. Why am I detailing our eating escapades? Well, because we were included in every family dinner and that was special for us. The family didn't have to include us and didn't have to extend the invite for family dinner but they did. ALL week we were included in every plan, activity, dinner or event. The entire family welcomed us with open arms and we were so grateful.

Breaking into teams for the Amazing Race.

The entire week was nothing but sun, smiles and relaxation. We spent our mornings at the beach and our afternoons at the pool. We jumped waves, walked the beach, dug for sand crabs and had tea parties in the pool. (Don't judge, there were little kids there!) We laughed A LOT and just had a blast getting to know everyone. We also got to participate in the family activity, an intense Amazing Race around OKI. The entire family broke into teams and raced around the island performing different "stunts" in a race to finish first. My team came in last but we still had a blast. Well, a blast aside from the pitcher of Killian's we had to chug. Nastiest. Beer. Ever.

Cousins at Rumor's

We also got to enjoy "Cousin's Night." Everyone (21+) went out for the night. We hit up Rumor's Night Club and danced the night away. My bestie's sister made a new friend and everyone enjoyed dancing, laughing and just being together. It was so nice to see the cousins together. I don't have a big family and my cousins and I don't talk much. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Don't get me wrong, I know my cousins would be there for me if I needed them, but we just don't stay in touch the way we should. My friends have become my family and this week my family grew. I really can't say it enough; I am so grateful.

This past week was really amazing. I would probably rate it as my best vacation ever. Yes, it was that good and we're already talking about going back next summer! After everything that 2011 put us through we needed this. An entire week to just shut our minds down, relax, and be reminded of what is really important in life: family. I loved seeing my bestie laugh with her sisters and play with her niece. I cherished the family bonding and was inspired by their love for each other. I made sure to thank each sibling individually and each had the same response, "it was our pleasure." No, it was OUR pleasure. If any of you are reading this, let me say it again: THANK YOU for welcoming us and making us feel like a part of your family. You are really wonderful people and we're lucky to count you among our friends. If you're ever in/near Philly, hit us up!

We made so many wonderful new friends this week and we will treasure the memories of this trip for many years to come.

A Year Ago Today...

2012-07-01T01:56:00.001-04:00

My boobs are so sore. It has been a few days and I think I'm coming down with something; I'm achy. My mom came over for dinner tonight and when she hugged me goodbye I wanted to cry. IT HURT! Well come to think of it, I'm not just sore, I think my boobs are actually bigger Not only that, but I have been overly emotional this week. I've been crying at random points. Maybe I'm just getting my period? Oh hell, what's going on?!?!?

As soon as mom pulled away, hubby and I hopped in the car and drove to Target. I intended to buy IcyHot and a pregnancy test. Hubs talked me out of the IcyHot so we just got the preggo test. I got home and had to pee....come to think of it, I had been peeing a lot that week. Within seconds, that second blue line appeared. Holy shit; we're pregnant. I started yelling from the bathroom and hubby just kept saying, "are you pregnant?" I couldn't talk. You have all these grand ideas about how joyful the moment you see that line will be. You'll smile, and hug and it'll be amazing. Nope, not really. I threw up. (One of only two times I would throw up during the entire pregnancy.) We were excited, but we were scared! That was July 1, 2011 and so began the most emotionally difficult journey of our lives.

I couldn't get used to the idea that I was pregnant. Are we ready? Can we afford this? Will we be good parents? Are you going to wake up at 6:00am to put my shoes on for me when I can't bend over to do it? This baby is going to be due in March. What if it's snowing? How is Foster going to be with a baby? Shit, we have to get a room ready. What if it's a girl? What will we name her? What if it's a boy? What will we name him? Oh no, if my calculations are right we're going to miss Michael's first birthday. Our friends are going to freak out. Who will we name as the godparents? What if my water breaks and I'm on the El? I wonder if I'll be able to adjust my hours at work. What will we do for daycare? Should we move to the suburbs before the kid starts school?
AHHHHHHH THIS IS SCARY!

Here we are a full year from that night and SO much has happened. I got promoted. Hubby got a new job. A billion friends have given birth to beautiful baby boys and girls. The nursery is painted a beautiful shade of yellow. And we still do not have a baby. At 12 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy we got the devastating news that our baby had a fatal prenatal diagnosis. At 13 weeks 5 days, we terminated the pregnancy via a D&E. While it was the most difficult and painful decision to make, we know in our heart of hearts it was the RIGHT decision. Even a year later, knowing our baby should be approaching 4 months old, we know it was the right decision.

I have mostly good days now. I still think about what we've been through but I have learned to cope. It still makes me sad and there are still nights that I cry, but for the most part I'd say I'm okay. The thought of being pregnant again, whenever that happens, both thrills and petrifies me. There are days I want to be pregnant yesterday and there are days I'm too scared to even imagine it. Whatever happens, baby or no baby, hubby and I will be okay. We've got a lot of love to share and an amazing support system to help us through anything. We are so so blessed. But, here we are...July 1, 2012 and I'm pretty emotional. These "milestones" as they're so inappropriately called are tough. Luckily an old friend, with whom I thought I had lost touch, took me out to dinner and to the casino for a night of fun and laughter. It was exactly what I needed and he'll never really know what tonight meant to me.

Here is a quick list of our Summer 2011 "milestones."

July 1st: Found out we were pregnant via at-home test.
July 11th: Doctor officially confirmed we were pregnant.
July 18th: First ultrasound/saw the heartbeat.
August 8th: Heard the heartbeat/Told my mom she was going to be a Bubby!
August 14th: Told Hubby's parents/sister they'd be grandparents/aunt.
September 2nd: Got the sad news that our baby would not survive and had a fatal diagnosis.
September 8th: Final ultrasound. (Did not watch or listen.... too painful.)
September 9th: Terminated the pregnancy.
November 4th: Got the test results back to confirm triploidy, and received the wonderful news that the disorder is NOT genetic and has less than a 1% chance of occurring in a future pregnancy.

So today begins my summer of milestones. I'm not looking forward to reliving the pain we felt last year but I will not avoid it. I will confront each memory with strength, compassion and sadness. I will continue to share my story with women everywhere to let them know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. September is going to be tough, but I'm ready. I have received so much love and support, especially through this blog, and I know I'll get through it.

Here's to our happy ending, however it happens....

The Fight Goes On...

2012-06-27T20:41:00.000-04:00

Here we go again...

I just read an article about a proposed merger between two hospitals in my area. The article explains how one hospital is going to stop performing abortions out of respect for the Catholic mission of the other. The "other" hospital, with the Catholic mission, is the hospital affiliated with my gynecologist. So, how did I have an abortion if they're not able to perform them? Well, I was referred to a highly qualified doctor at different hospital. Though my doctor could not perform the procedure the CHOICE was still mine to make and I was still educated about ALL of my options, including those that go against my hospital's "Catholic mission." What I women to understand is that while this decision does eliminate the hospital as a choice provider for the procedure, it doesn't eliminate the woman's choice to move forward with what is very often the most difficult decision of a woman's life. As long as our doctors are still educating patients, regardless of religious missions, we need to be thankful for the care we're receiving.

We need to keep the focus on the RIGHT fight. I also wish people would keep in mind how hurtful comments on articles like that can be. Women who have faced this tragedy have been shamed enough. They've felt enough sadness, fear, guilt, anger and hopelessness. I still get really upset when people argue without validity. Everyone always goes back to the "abortion is not birth control" fight or the "don't sleep around and you won't get pregnant" fight. UGH! That kills me. I am married. I am educated. I have a job. I wanted a baby. I intentionally got pregnant because my hubby and I wanted to share our love with the next generation of our family. Sadly, nature had other plans for us and we played the cards we were dealt the best way we knew how. Even more tragic, is this is a more commonly dealt hand than we'd like to know. I am just thankful that this blog has reached so many women. I am happy to be a voice for the "other" side and am thankful that my words help comfort others who have faced, or are facing, similar situations.

I remember when our doctor gave us the fatal diagnosis. It's a conversation I replay in my head over and over and one I don't think I'll EVER forget. I used to have a really hard time admitting that I had an abortion. As I've said before, though I'm pro-choice for America, I'm pro-life for me. I NEVER thought I'd be faced with a situation that forced me to terminate my own baby's life. As much as it feels like forever ago it feels just like yesterday. I'll also never forget when she said "we cannot do it here." It was like being stabbed in an already wounded heart. I trusted my doctor, and my doctor alone, and here I was being told he couldn't do the procedure because of the "nature of the hospital." It not only made me feel more scared, but also shamed me. Wow, am I really considering doing something so horrific that my own doctor won't/can't even perform it? Yes, yes I am. And I'm considering it because it's the best choice for me AND for my baby. Hubby and I made this decision out of selfless love, and no one will EVER make me feel differently.

Anyway, just had to vent cause these people on the message boards are driving me nuts!

Happy Father's Day

2012-06-17T22:00:00.001-04:00

Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy. We've all heard the saying, but what does it really mean? To me, it means that fatherhood extends far beyond just getting a woman pregnant. It's about being there. It's about putting your child before you put yourself. It's about sharing in joys and comforting pains. It's about loving through the tears and making everything all better, even when you know it's not always okay. It's about always being the man your baby girl can count on when other men break her heart. It's about loving someone else more than you will ever love yourself. Today should be hubby's first father day, but as you know it didn't work out that way. I do know that he will fulfill the Daddy role in a beautiful and awesome way. Our time will come....

My parents split up when I was 2 or 3 and I lived with my mom. I saw my dad every weekend and he was very involved in my life. I have some amazing memories of times with my dad. Daddy/daughter days. Puzzles. Models (the kind you build not the kind you stare at.) Bike rides. Pizza on Fridays. Fishing trips to LBI. Barbies. Family Dinners on Sundays. T.G.I.F, Hunter and Sisters. 610 WIP on my way to school. In fact, Angelo (broadcaster on WIP) used to do a Winners/Weasels contest every week. I won one week when I nominated my dad as my winner and Angelo as my weasel. (Angelo was having a dad of the year contest and I named him my weasel because he never announced the way to nominate to your dad so I missed my chance.) I had the best of both worlds: a mom who loved me and a dad, step-mom and step-brother who loved me. I belonged to two families.

When I was 12, my dad broke up with his girlfriend, Marianne. I remember it like it was yesterday and I was crushed. They sat me down on the love seat and told me they were breaking up. Marianne was crying. I was crying. My father was visibly shaken. My only concern at that moment was making sure Marianne and her family would still be coming to my Bat Mitzvah. They were. I was so happy my 2nd family was still coming to my celebration that I didn't even think about how this break-up could change my life. After Marianne and my dad split-up, his priorities changed.

I won't go into all the details but the last fatherly thing my biological dad for me was walk out on my high school graduation. It was June 16, 1998 and it was his birthday. I watched him walk out just after my entire class was announced and it sucked. I got home and called him....at a bar; I knew he'd be there. He told me that it was his birthday and his friends were waiting for him. I told him "if you couldn't stay at my graduation, don't come to my graduation party." That was it, I was done. Some of you reading that may think it was pretty harsh. I don't. I was 17 years old and had been dealing with a lot of let downs for about 4 years.

When I was pregnant last year, I thought a lot about trying to reconnect with my dad. After all, like it or not, he will be my child's grandfather and who am I to take that relationship away from my baby. Before I had the chance to decide what to do, we terminated the pregnancy. Decision made. Three months after we lost the baby, my uncle died. Uncle Tony is my godfather and my father's brother. He has always been a special part of my life, even though ending my relationship with my father did impact my relationship with that side of the family. I wasn't really welcome anymore. It hurt, but I got over it. My uncle was always there whenever I needed him and was the first one to step up when my mom was in the hospital in 2006.(Happy Father's Day, Uncle Tony. I'm sorry I couldn't text you today.)

I saw my dad at my Uncle's funeral this past December and starting thinking about the day that I get the call that he's ill. What will I do? I have no idea. How will I feel? I have no clue. I do know that he's my father, and without him I wouldn't be who I am today. We learn just as much from our negative experiences as we do from our positive. I do know that I have some really wonderful memories from my childhood and a part of me hopes my baby will have memories with her grandfather too. (Side note, I will be so overly protective of that relationship if it happens. I cannot allow my father to hurt my baby the way he hurt me.) I don't know that my father is open to talking, as I've tried in the past. I sent him a letter and he didn't respond. He didn't even reach out to me when he knew I was getting married. I like to think that he misses his only daughter, his only child, but the truth is I just don't know.

Today, while I was food shopping, a song came on the loudspeaker. It's a song I VERY rarely hear and one I remember fondly. It's a song my father and I used to sing together, line by line, all the time. Even after all these years, I still remember every word and remember which lines I sang and which lines my father sang. It's by Elvis....a man my Uncle loved. Something tells me that my uncle had a hand in having this song play today, on Father's day, the day after my dad's birthday, while I was in the store. It brought a tear to my eye as I thought about all of the father's days my father has missed out on celebrating. I thought about how today should be my hubby's first father's day. I thought about how long it has been since I sang this song....

I don't really know the point of this blog tonight; I just had to write it. There is so much depth to the story/relationship between my father and me that I don't think I could even put it all into words if I wanted to. Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. And to those of you that are just fathers, you're missing out.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

2012-05-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

I feel amazing. I logged on to the blog tonight just to see if it was getting any traffic, not really expecting to find anything too exciting. To my surprise, four more countries have visited! ! ! Last I checked, about a week ago, I had readers in six countries. WE'RE UP TO TEN NOW! I am so honored that you take the time to read my story and share in my life and I want to thank you.

This blog started as a way for me to get my feelings out. Those of you who know me well know that I live (and love) to write. It's the way I prefer to communicate and have always found it easy to put my feelings into words. I needed a place to express everything I was feeling and figured a blog was the best way. It is so much more than that now, more than I ever expected.

This blog has become my way to share my story with women (and families) everywhere that have gone through (or are going through) similar pains. I have received such amazing feedback from strangers everywhere and it feels so good. When I first started to share my story and document my feelings, I was petrified. Now that I know my story is helping so many families it's so much easier.

Through all of the negative comments that people have tried to leave on these pages, I have persevered, never giving up on my mission to share my story in an honest and open way. Your support has carried me through the hardest days and I know I couldn't have done it without you. I welcome your comments and look forward to sharing more of my story with you. Who knows, maybe we'll have some good news to share soon!

Please take a minute and click "follow" (on the right.) Show my readers everywhere that you support them too.

About The Hubby....

2012-05-19T22:15:00.002-04:00

My hubby is amazing; there is no denying that. He is not, however, the most comfortable when it comes to dealing with any sort of emotion. Needless to say, he had a REALLY hard time dealing with losing the baby. It took a good six months before he could even talk about it. I let him deal in his own time, never wanting to push him beyond his comfort zone.

While I was dealing with feeling like my body failed me and the devastation of having to terminate the pregnancy I was a hot mess. I really couldn't function. I pretty much just sat on my couch looking at the TV. I'd say watching but I can't recall a single thing about the week between 9/2/11 and 9/9/11 except trying to go to work on Tuesday and turning around after walking about 3 houses away from my own. Oh, and I remember freaking out at our pre-surgical appointment when the doctor surprised me with one last ultrasound. Ugh. During that week, and immediately thereafter, my husband was EVERYTHING. He scheduled our appointments. He cleaned up the house. He cooked. He made sure I ate. And he worked! (Oh, and he organized it so that my mom could return the $100 worth of Destination Maternity clothes that we bought just an hour before finding out something was wrong. Yeah, never gonna do THAT again! Shop AFTER the appointment, not before!) I was an emotional wreck and really couldn't understand how my hubby was functioning. Now I know; he HAD to be functional. He had to be strong enough for the both of us or EVERYTHING would've fallen apart. It wasn't until after we got the test results back (early November), and found out triploidy is not genetic, that he was able to start mourning our loss and coping with his grief.

Recently we decided to paint what would have been, and what eventually will be, our nursery. When we found out we were pregnant we decided to paint the room yellow. For months after we ended the pregnancy, I couldn't even look at the door to the room; it was too painful. Finally, about a month and a half ago, I decided I wanted to paint the room yellow. Why wait, right? We went to Home Depot and bought the paint. As per our usual, it was an easy decision on which we agreed right away. Hubby starting painting the room right away. He tackled it late at night when he got home from work and day by day I started to see it transforming from it's dull and old blue to a vibrant and lively yellow. I helped a bit with the outlining (hubby says I'm better than he is at trim work) and then let him get back to work. All is done except one wall and a 2nd coat. So exciting!

Yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen talking about how great the room looked. Hubby looked me in the eye and told me how hard it has been to paint. I was surprised! He has been so productive in there that I just assumed it was easy peasy. Nope. He told me how every time he's in there he thinks about how it should have been done six months ago and by now should be full of baby stuff. It was hard for him to admit and his first statement after he released his thoughts was, "don't write a blog about this." I told him I wouldn't and then he said it was okay. He said he's proud of this blog and how much it's helping people. (Thank you all for the feedback and support, by the way.) It was an amazing moment, especially when he said that painting the room "has helped me get mentally ready for a baby." We've had a few talks over the last few weeks about when it'll be the "right time" to try and each conversation ended without an answer. Though it was hard, I had to be okay with it. I had to let my husband heal in his own time, without adding pressure to his intense emotions.

I'm glad he said I could write about his revelation because it's important for us women to know that our men deal with our loss differently. It's not about whose pain is worse; you can't quantify pain. I dealt intensely and immediately. My hubby's immediate reaction was to ignore the pain and push it deep down inside him where he didn't need to face it. When he did finally face it, he dealt intensely and privately. We didn't really discuss it. Sometimes that hurt me, but I kept reading my books and talking to my support group and was always reminded that everyone has to have the freedom to cope in their own way. I think this is what saved us from being one of the couples that a situation like this can break. We gave each other the freedom to be ourselves without ever passing judgement on how the other was handling the pain. If I had to say that anything good came from this experience, it is that I have a new respect for what kind of man I married, and what kind of man will be my baby's role model.

So ladies, let your man deal in his own way. Let him avoid, face, ignore, acknowledge, suppress or confront in his own way and in his own time. Don't push him to deal with you, as long as he's supporting you. Don't force the conversations you are dying to have...reach out to a support system that is able, at that time, to be what you need it to be. And to the men reading this, know that we know you are experiencing the loss right along with us, albeit in a different way. We understand that your pain comes from losing your baby and from being scared for your wife/girlfriend. We know your innate need to be strong. Know that your time to cope will come and we'll be waiting to support you through it. We'll be your shoulder to cry on whenever you're ready. Because we are in this together!

Happy Mother's Day

2012-05-13T08:30:00.004-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms reading this. You have the hardest job on the plant and are amazing.

I've struggled this week, knowing today should have been my first official mother's day as a mom. I have two wonderful godchildren so I've celebrated before, but today should have been my day to celebrate with my own little one. A day when my husband would spoil me and honor my new role as a mommy. Unfortunately, as you know by now, we don't have our angel with us. Does that mean I'm not a mom? I asked myself this question all day every day all week. Thanks to the wonderful women in my support groups for giving me my answer.....yes, I'm a mom.

A woman in our group posted a beautiful poem (the first one posted on the site) that answered my question. In it, one stanza screamed out to me. It reads: "Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay. I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say “We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here." It hit home.

When we made the decision to terminate our pregnancy it was the most difficult choice with which we've ever been faced, both as individuals and as a couple. Our baby would not have survived the pregnancy and there was potential for danger to me should we allow the pregnancy to progress. With heavy hearts and tear filled eyes, we terminated at 13 weeks 5 days knowing we were consciously ending our journey to parenthood, at least for the time being. At the time, and for many months following, we were too pained to even consider trying to become parents again. No way. No how. Not gonna do it.

So if I made the decision to end my pregnancy, how can I consider myself a mom? Two of the greatest lessons I've learned from my mom are those of unconditional love and selflessness. That's what moms do. They love their kids no matter what. Maybe your kid isn't the poster of perfection but you love them anyway, right? Moms are selfless, always putting the feelings and needs of their children far ahead of their own. They take on their children's pain so as to protect their kids from having to hurt. When your baby is sick, you do everything you can to take away the pain and make the hurt go away. It is this maternal drive of unconditional love and selflessness that led us to our decision. I didn't make this decision because I didn't love our baby. She (I have this strange feeling it was a girl) wasn't perfect, and that was okay. We loved that little lemon (that's how big we were told the baby was likely to be at 13 weeks 5 days). We made this decision to take away our baby's pain and put it on ourselves. We ended our baby's suffering and swallowed the fear, sadness, anger, hopelessness and hate ourselves. It was the hardest act of parenthood that we hope to ever face. It was however, the best decision we could make, as parents, for our family.

Though my angel is not physically with me today, she is in my heart and my thoughts always. I am a mom. And today I'm going to celebrate that. I'm going to celebrate with my mom, the best woman on the planet. This blog would be way too long if I told you what makes her so great. She just....is. I hope that someday I am half the mom she is.

Mom, you are, and always will be, my hero.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy.

What's New?!

2012-05-07T08:53:00.000-04:00

Good Morning! I haven't blogged in a while so I figured I'd come just catch you up. I figured this blog would be about nothing but then I saw I had a comment to approve. Oooooh, who has been reading? Well, the answer is some jerk. It was a nasty comment; I haven't received any of those in quite some time so it did take me a bit by surprise. It shocks me how ignorant some people can be. I'll address this moron, in case they come back to read, and then I'll catch you up on life.

This idiot wasn't man (or woman) enough to leave a name; the comment was posted by "anonymous." Man up. If you want to call me names and tell me that I'm a baby killer, tell me your name. Allow me the courtesy to know who is so ignorant; I hope you're reading this. I hope you realize I rejected your comment and won't be posting it so you can feel free to stop visiting the blog. Know that I am praying for you, praying that you and your family are able to avoid, forever, the heartache and devastation that come with having to make such a difficult decision. I also pray that if someone you are close to is dealt this hand you have enough compassion for that person to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I'm not a baby killer I don't consider what I did murder. I never will, regardless of how many ignorant and rude comments I receive and regardless of how many names you call me. If this didn't break me, I can sure as hell promise you that your words won't break me either.

Life has been pretty busy. My boss is still on maternity leave so I'm doing a lot of extra work at work. It sometimes means 10 hour days and then work when I get home, but it's worth it. The team, I think, has felt supported and with all of the changes we're experiencing that's my top priority. Tomorrow starts a round of national trainings and my calendar through the end of May is CRAZY. It makes the days pass quickly though so I can't complain. We have a new president and he seems like a great guy. He's got great energy and optimism, which we need right now. Now, if he can overcome the two issues in our main location he'll be my hero. Only time will tell....

I voted earlier this month. I was really pulling for Patrick Murphy for Attorney General. Unfortunately, he didn't win and our Democratic nominee is Kathleen Kane. She is against the ultrasound bill, which is obviously an important issue to me, and I hope she pulls through with the win. We have to get the Republicans out of that office to balance out the idiocy in our Governor's office right now. His term cannot end soon enough.

Other than that, nothing is really new. Hubby and I are considering a vacation. We may just wind up in AC a few times but we'll see. We've also decided to put off trying for a baby until July/August. We're really trying to avoid having a due date near our last one. It would be too hard. I'm hoping to get pregnant in August/September and then I can have a May/June baby. Birthday parties outside! ! ! Obviously, we'll take the blessing whenever it happens. We're both still scared of the idea but we're ready to welcome a little one into our family.

Okay, enough catching up. Thanks for reading!

p.s- If you haven't read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, READ IT! You and your hubby/wife will thank me for the recommendation.

I Can Totally Relate

2012-04-10T22:03:00.000-04:00

As most of you probably know, I'm a huge fan of Bill Rancic and have been since his first appearance (yes, episode 1) of The Apprentice. As I "followed" his career, naturally I got to know Giuliana. I am a fan of their show and love watching them as a couple. (Though I am jealous of how often they're in Chicago!) This season has been difficult to watch and we're only two episodes in. As G deals with the personal struggle of her cancer diagnosis and as Bill tries to be the strong husband, whose only concern is for the well being of his wife, I find myself reflecting back on the last 7 months. We're watching her family come together and her friends give support. We're watching a husband filled with fear that he cannot show. It's all too familiar. Though my "condition" was not fatal, I too experienced the raw emotion that comes with the fear of the unknown.

Watching Bill tonight made me think back to how my hubby handled himself during our most difficult times. He was my strength, no doubt about it. I was completely dysfunctional and unable to think. I could really only bring myself to sit and cry. In fact, the week between getting the fatal diagnosis and my surgery is a complete blur. I remember nothing but thinking I couldn't possibly have another tear to shed only to be proven wrong. In contrast, I don't think hubby shed a tear until around mid-December. For all I know he was crying in the shower every night, but I never saw him face it until well after we got the news that the baby's condition was not genetic and we knew "everything would be okay." Tonight, watching the sadness in Bill's eyes I thought about what it must've been like for hubby to try to stay strong all while dealing with the emotion of losing his first baby and watching his wife go through a difficult surgery. To this day, I don't know how he held it together but I'm thankful he did. And hunni, if you're reading this....regardless of what you say....I know you'd walk to the edge of the ocean. I love you.

G's mom cracks me up. I lost count how many times Mama DePandi tried to feed Giuliana. Just like G's mom, my mom came racing to my side the day we found out about the baby. She was amazing. She gave me my space without ever making me feel alone. She supported me in the way she knew I needed her to...from a distance. I hated telling my mom that the grand-baby she has longed for since I married the hubby wasn't coming. It really broke my heart and there were times I was more upset for her than I was for us. As broken as her heart was (and is) she never, not once, made me feel badly about choosing to terminate. She supported our decision from the second we shared it and never wavered from her position that this was our family and she was there for us. Her hugs dried my tears. I'm 31-years-old and those hugs have dried A LOT of tears. For that, I will forever be thankful and grateful. She really is "Somebody's Hero."

Tonight, we also go to see some of G's friends. We saw her friends lifting her up and making her smile. It brought a tear to my eye because sometimes I feel like I didn't have that. Our situation was tough and not many people knew what to say. For fear of saying the wrong thing, they just didn't say anything at all. At points, I felt pretty alone. I felt judged. I wanted to reach out but I knew that people were uncomfortable facing the reality of what we were going through. Hell, I was uncomfortable facing the reality. It's weird, while a part of me wishes that people had reached out to me, there is another part of me is thankful that I had the time to deal with this alone. I'm a pretty independent person and I did appreciate being along with my thoughts, as scattered as they were.

There are friends who I expected to be there for me that I feel like weren't. There are people that I never expected to stand so unconditionally by my side and did. There are some people with whom I haven't spoken since everything "went down." There are people that are still afraid to talk about it. In the beginning I felt sad about that, sad about losing friends over something so personally tragic. I'm okay with it now. I don't hate anyone and I'm not upset with anyone. This was tough for everyone involved, directly and indirectly, and I understand that it may have just been too much for some to bear. We all deal with things differently. Supported or not, I have never felt abandoned and that is what is most important.

Anyway, I've been feeling emotional lately and just wanted to get this all out. I really don't know where I'd be mentally if it weren't for this blog. So, thanks for reading!